How To Love the Narcissist AND Keep Him/Her?
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- Опубліковано 7 чер 2024
- How To Love the Narcissist AND Keep Him or Her? Two opposing strategies:
1. Be like his dead mother: cold, rejecting, selfish, absent, unsafe (triangulate, cheat, betray), approach-avoidant, fake. This leads to the narcissist trauma bonding with you in order to reenact early childhood conflicts and results in devaluation, discard, and replacement (separation-individuation) and then hoovering (if no mortification is incurred).
2. Be the opposite of his mother: conform to the snapshot.
Cope with Abuse: Background Noise Technique: • Cope with Abuse: Backg...
If You Love a Narcissist, This is For You: • If You Love a Narcissi...
Act as “background noise”: ask no questions, never criticize or disagree, when addressed confine your response to the issues broached and do not introduce new topics into the conversation. In short: never initiate or be proactive - always react meekly, compliantly, and subserviently.
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It’s so sad . Narcissist are truly damaged .they are so dead inside .they lost their soul along time ago . Just pray for them. They need it . Move on guys and love them from a distance.
Pray for "us" from a distance.
And don't expect us to pray for you, because you don't need anyone to pray for you.
I do ❤him from distance ❤
If we were the one to help them individuate, and we truly did love them, we should never let them come back after that. Learn to individuate and love ourselves better. We are amazing lovers, enough to do magic, but not at our own sacrifice. It's not worth it having that kind of life. I chose growth. Burn the snapshot. He's dead inside. Never visit him expecting more than to pay respects to the dead. Go forth and live life. You matter.
❤
The narcissist can be a catalyst for our evolution. Ultimately, I didn’t dissolve. I grew stronger. The dissolution causes us to look at our shadow, to examine & transmute our own narcissist traits, where we seek to sacrifice our connection to our true self for a saccharine substitute that eats away at us like a cancer, until we detox.
The theme is control. This is the epidemic in society.
And co-dependents also seek to control through people-pleasing,
The narcissistic abuse invites us to peel back these layers of control, which are responses to trauma, our wounded histories that get passed down from generation to generation.
It's good to examine one's shadow.
I feel the same way!
He will never change. Why? Because he’s dead inside. He’s a shell of a human being, empty. Sadly we cannot fix a narcissist. Accept the truth. This is what it is. They’ll take and take, all while watching you cry begging to stop to please listen, but please pick yourself up and close the supply door.
He talked about his mother a lot. He called her a whore as she slept around when he was young. I believe his father did too but he passed away early in his life. She also died fairly young. I suppose looking back on all his early loss and pain, it's easy to understand how he probably never evolved after losing both parents. Thank you Prof Sam. This is my first glimpse into trying to understand him and what happened to me in our brief relationship. We were together a year and a half and it was the 'best of times and the worst of times'.
Staying in such a relationship is giving up/sacrificing your own needs. The relationship is one way; toxic and letting go of your selfworth and self respect. They do not change. The problem is everyone else
Thank you professor for putting into words what I failed to understand emotionally. Narcissists should come with a medical bracelet, like the ones they use for people with severe allergies. It would alert you of the potential risk they represent to YOU. The emotional, psychological and physical misery and pain they inflict on others is unquantifiable. We will never know how many people have committed suicide as a result of narcissistic abuse. Awful awful people. I was ill and deprived of the will to live by the time of the last discard.
narcissist destroy people lives but is a good training to overcome destruction
Ooooooh this is really good!
It's a harsh truth--not only did I have to walk away from a 32-year marriage for my well-being and self respect, but I had to examine why I allowed myself to be subjected to this. With a therapist I trust, I had to dig deep and take responsibility for my own mental health and healing--and that is self love and respect. My grown kids supported and watched me go through this--+they had their own healing to do.
We are never done learning. I am 62 and look forward to the rest of my life.
This. How did I look away?
You have described the situation I find myself in. Thankfully family and friends have kept me going. Narc s are soul destroying
We all have narcissistic traits unfortunately which makes it hard to even identify if your dealing with one ! Also emotionally damaged traumatized but we are all trying to act normal !
This is one of the best videos explaining that look in his eyes. He’s dead! The “twinkle” in his eyes, they’re your tears”, “ you’re reduced by him to smithereens” “night without dawn” “sunless days”, “Death to us by a thousand paper cuts”. Listen- please, if you have children with a narcissist please devise a plan to shut the door on this darkness, please, for the sake of your children.
I can’t let my girls go. It’s so difficult.
Because You realize he is a narcissist late in the relationship and there are too many things and people that connect you, you pretty much have to start your life from the scratch and you wonder if at this stage may be it’s worth it to try to make it work somehow.
I would like to know more about two less discussed aspects that I found shocking when in a relationship with a narcissist:
1. The "amnesia". The nice persona would manifest as if the bad stuff (arguments, discard, disrespect) never happened and the cold persona manifested as if the good stuff (all the lovely time together, companionship, laughter, great intimacy and sex) never happened. This transition would happen within seconds with no apparent motivation for it, fueled by their internal dialogue/ rumination.
2. The obsessional jealousy via a deluded reading of reality. This came with hypervigilance to every single action and reaction of mine, even face expressions, that would indicate betrayal. It is linked to an extreme abandonment anxiety. We could have been so perfectly till death do us part happy, but her rationale (or lack of thereof) was: I am 100% sure you are going to leave me for someone else, so I am going to leave you first. "Do you realise that by discarding me that is what will potentially happen, that I will move on and meet someone?" In their mind, in some distorted way, this ("you are so cruel") suggestion alone proves them right. You can't win with a narcissist. The closer you get to them, the furthest you become from yourself.
Yes! The amnesia!! 💔
That sounds like BPD, which mimics narcissism behaviorally but has far different causes and internals
Borderline and Narcissism definitely look the same externally
Hmmmmm
Wife inhibits a lot of this stuff. Bottom line is I’m done. Zero Contact.
Love your sense of humour"what's wrong with you?"🤪
Thank you, Sam. You are extremely helpful! I credit you for my healing and individuation. I am finally ALIVE, 34 years after I was born. You’re the man!
You know more than my therapist…no surprise. I now have more knowledge about narcissism than she does due to watching your videos. Forgetting the love bombing imposter he was for many years and the good memories made during that fake (but then real to me) time is the difficult part. He treated me better than anyone then or since…before Mr. Hyde started his regular visits. But I will never go back and am giving my “narc education” everything I’ve got in order to avoid these toxic types in the future.
Dope
Let s hope he ll find someone worthy of his love and caring. You obviously wasn t.
Don't love him run, save yourself!!!
HE HAS BEEN MORTIFIED!!!! Thank you for teaching me this!
Yes terribly painful for the ones that love them
Poetic descriptive gold here in the last third. Darkly beautiful.
Professor, I am smiling while listening to you read your fabulously written lecture. You are so wise. I 've learned many valuable insights from you. I'm no longer confused. I don't fear my doubts any longer.
Thank you for your words and your referencing Sam...invaluable for extra reading.
This video is poetic in so many ways, including the title! Your channel has been a lighthouse for me.
Thats was poetry Sam. Music 🎶 to my ears.
I am speechless…profoundly insightful
Sam, you are awesome - i love your candor and honesty - i find your shares amusing and most informed. thank you.
You make me laugh n you give me great closure to my wondering why did I stay when all the things he had done to me. When he said I was just like his mother I wanted no more to do with him. But after fortyyrs ago I still can't get him out of my mind. Why
Loved this intro
I want to thank you for your very good videos. It's finally all making sense. The only reason I'm staying is because I have no where to go while I wait for an apartment to become available in the next few months. Well that and saving some money. This helps me to foresee what is coming and to handle it without hopefully triggering him. I'm so looking forward to the day I leave all this abuse and eggshell walking behind. I imagine myself in my apartment with my little dog and it's quiet and peaceful every day. It's coming, I just need to be patient and go for alot walks and bike rides for my sanity.
@@doloresaquines1529 thank you for your kind words.
Thank you Professor Sam
You have got this 100% right.
Absolutely awesome
Sam. You’ve been a big part of my healing. I’m there. I still watch your videos because I counsel Your teaching is easy to understand. I love that. You are the best teacher. Ever. Thank you for what you do
BRILLIANT!!!!
it really opened my eyes
✋✋😎 High Five good buddy... Agree about the "Reverse Trauma Bond" 💯💯💯
Incredible, Prof. Excellent use of the English language.
You’re definitely gonna need to know this!!
I can’t wait to watch him turn your world inside out!
@@jwire4532 Hey, that’s what she’s asking for and she’s definitely gonna GET it ! 😂
Yes, I was his secret mother-he broke up with me then his mother died and it made him feel so terrible, like a double loss-so I’m quite the mother figure in his life-I’ve been the bad mother and it’s a role I embrace. Thank you for your insightful information-subscribing.
I’m very curious. What is it about being the bad mother that makes you embrace it? After over a year together, my fiancé twice discarded me for a woman he calls his “master.”
Thank you
I picked the perfect borderline wife to replay these childhood dynamics. Now that we are aware we have unfinished childhood business, we are working our asses off. Will it pay off one day... Who knows. We are making tremendous progress, but of course I would say this.
This is good actually. If u both can find peace
@@nandanapalchowdhury4588💙
Hey
@@dawncannady hi
Do you have npd?
This is good.
I guess I was good supply for 38 Years. I have no energy left. When I ask him to please go get help, he walked out on me. I need professional help. He as been ghosting me over a year now. I‘m the opposite of his dead mother.
Thank you 🙏
Brilliant
What happens to the narcissist when his mother dies ( passes away)?
Thats too much WORK for love. Who’s gonna do all this to love someone and never get the same love in return ? Its normal people on Earth ya know ! 😂
Something may be wrong with me but I love my narc. I love my mom. I love no matter what. Love is the biggest of all in the Bible ❤ I’m never going to forget to love people. Good,bad,indifferent
Again…thank you for your wise words 🤩
Thanks
It would be interesting to hear what the Prof has to say about the film/story of Coraline. It seems like a disturbingly accurate representation of narcissistic abuse.
This was confirmed by Neil Gaiman to be about a narcissistic mother. Great movie.
The (emotionally) dead mother
Can you please do a post of how two Borderlines can play itself out?
Is it like a never ending game of playing hard to get? Or
Self trashing meets that never evolves?
Sam! Ur intro made me laugh 😅 🤣...why would you...?
Dear Professor, I am so grateful for the knowledge. Still how does these two strategies work together? To be „dead“ mother and submissive at the same time? Could you please give a hint! Thank you!
We are all mad here . Normal person on Earth does not exist
Hi Sam, would hoovering be a form of rapprochement stage? (Defined as) period of rapprochement spans the ages of approximately fifteen to twenty-four months and is characterized behaviorally by an active approach back to the caregiver. Children begin to realize the limits of their omnipotence and have a new awareness of their separateness and the separateness of the caregiver.
Thank you for all your amazing info!
Hi Prof, I’ve been analyzing the relationship gender gap. With all the toxic misinformation that’s widespread on the internet, your based research on the subject was a breath of fresh air (especially your video on debunking redpill myths). As much as I appreciate your efforts to highlight the issues that perpetrate the gap, are there any solutions/strategies that men can follow? Would really appreciate your suggestions
What about if he founds another person male or female, who promises glory? And chases the glory ….because he hasn’t got the guts to succeed alone. So he lets others to manipulate him and avoids family.
Those people needs help. Maybe there's no reverse proces to make them complete, like complete persons. But give them support, understanding, guidelines.
Mr. Vaknin, you tell much about the narcissistic mortification, but how will I know that I mortified the narcissist and he will never contact me again? Sometimes the situation is not so obvious, and I don't know whether It's just playing dead mother, or the end of story already.
Lmao I chuckled when he said something wrong with you
Thanks, Sam. How to release the narcissist?
I so wish you’d come here so I could talk with you. I envy much the people who were there in Budapest.
Prof Vaknin, thank you for this video. I have a question - in one of your previous videos on no contact, you mentioned that a narcissist will hoover you for some time and if they fail to do so they will go away but here you say that if someone becomes a “bad mother” they will be back even after a failed attempt & will hoover forever. Is there a difference between the two?
Yes there’s a difference. The “bad mother” hovering will never end because it triggers something deep in them, the trauma they went through as a child. So they will want to role play that role hoping for a different ending. The regular kind of hovering that you mentioned is them failing but still moving on to another supply. They always need supplies. They always need someone to replace the old (supply)
היי סם, שאלה לי
If the borderline has a fear of engulfment, and she is indeed terrified of merging and fusing, and the narcissist has no self, her picking him is not a way of reducing anxiety? If he has no self ,there is nobody to fuse with.
Just a thought i had
She doesn't fuse with him, but with his representation in her mind, his "functions".
@@samvaknin ❤
Heck no. Get rid of the narcissist
i have a question : sometimes narc percieves gifts as a challenge to their grandiosity and sometimes they don't.
What are the conditions that make the narc percieve the gift as reenforcing their grandiosity? (sorry for my grammar)
If a borderline discarded and replaced a narcissist, what' makes him hoover her? Does he want her back, so he can then do the discard?
what happens if you do both. A period the dead mom and then the snapshot confirming. Doesnt he get even more attached because he experience that his mum can change.
Dr, yes I loved the BPD guy so something was wrong with me. But I just accepted him as he is. There were times I felt slighted but from his perspective he gave me all he could under his circumstances. I see how his family dynamic and how my own childhood needs couldn't be met. He was so much like my dad. And then, just like you say, only 1% of this personality I found someone else who he knew with the same exactly to date. I asked for a three way and of course they both said no. Me being like I am, wondered if they were involved ( triangle) . It's too much effort to balance these ghosters, bad dating behavior and dishonest to the self for whatever reason. The poor thing I really adored him. Compassion is what I recommend if you're going to stay with a narcissist. A lack of conscience also if you are the sugarbaby.
Hi Prof., how to do, that narcissist leave me. I would like that he is away...
@@bluecoral1206 thank you. I will try
Why does a narcissist love his mother when she hurt them and not you when you love them, they throw you away .
What can be the right therapy in order : not because of love for them and everything heard here to be able to leave them finally, What if you left, beiing exhausted of abuse and Came BACK because of life braught you so far as far as you knew thé and having experienced what as a ' normal human' you can not believe for possible how there Lack of empathy and your hope that you imagined of what they call commitment is a status Quo, you are thé victim but they victimise themself, You have Destroyer their life, they had no choice, you made them Mad to do how they do to devaluatie you.
So much BECOMES clear, and reasonable in myself, but Truly You have to educatie yourself and others do not catch how much pain it is. And that is just thé beginning of knowing, because they know , not you are supposed to know..❤
WooooooW!
So why does the narcissist sleep with the surrogate mother or parent replacement?
Poetry , poetry , poetry.......how beautiful is this fantasy 😛😋😉😉😅🌺🌺. Debonair and handsome.... yes 😉😉
Can you be like a dead mother by pampering, spoiling, praising and being codependent on him? That's how is mother is with him. Still spoiling him and he's almost 60. Still asking him to do chores when he goes home to her farm. If I was like that to him, was I the same as his mother?
Does deviating from the snapshot make a person feel worthless? Does the snapshot make a person feel worthless?
I miss the snuggles, cuddles and tuck ins at night. But other nights I wanted intimacy and he would reject me. It hurt so bad.
I still miss him terribly. I don't care if it hurts to go back to him. I never felt love like I did with him and I never felt so worthless. I hope he comes back. I know how to treat him now.
TRUTH SETS US FREE☮️His➡️ rejection was CONTROL, he had control over you, he did it to intentionally mentally hurt you, narcissistic people enjoy letting you KNOW they are in CONTROL over your NEEDS and letting you know you are POWERLESS. Are you aware that the control/ abuse grows and as you get older you will not have the strength to endure, and when you decide to leave he will do everything he can to degrade, destroy you and your efforts to escape. Give it ten years and you will not want the relationship. Ask yourself WHY you choose someone who's happiness is determined by causing one to hurt, to be with someone who needs more than you can give. Self harm can manifest in choosing bad situations. .You may know how to treat him now but YOU DO NOT KNOW THE LEVEL OF EVIL he may resort to during the transition. You yourself may become a victim of trauma bonding even though you are trying to heal him. Maybe you miss the love bombing stage? It was all a fake pursuit. It is unhealthy to NEED someone. That is dependency not love, forget his needs learn about yourself💖 and how to heal from a toxic relationship 🎯👏🎉💞☮️ Just my view.
What happened if I switched beetween the two states of the mother?
Does the covert borderline entrain his partner?
Yes.
What if you did cause Narc injury, exposing her to her family?
Watch my videos on mortification.
This scares me. I do see my husband acting like my step father in every way, he even did things that he did after I confided in him. I wanted to kill my step father, I'm wanting throw up calling ng him that😭. I have felt as if this is a repeat of then. I'm feeling trapped in abuse and he enjoys my suffering and my TRYING TO ESCAPE. I do think it is a test to see if I KILL HIM. I wanted to kill my step father when I was thirteen, I took a knife from the drawer, A HUGE KNIFE and stood in the dark, preparing to do just that but I was so CONSUMED BY FEAR I couldn't do it. My husband is just like him evil to the core. I told my husband HE BETTER HOPE I LOVE MYSELF ➡️ MORE THAN I ➡️HATE HIM. HE IS SICK AND A NARCISSIST, I have BPD. I had no idea he was a narcissist until he CALLED ME ONE, I looked it up and I'm understanding our relationship finally.
How can some of these somatic narcissists be such good lovers (seemingly) when they are such terrible lovers in all other respects? How does this happen?
Does he know he’s dead?
Spoilt children who grow up entitled can also become narcs ..... my narc was spoilt by his parents. He views life as a competition, win or lose. His mother defends him most of the time. I'm sure she did love his as a child, she acts loving now. She does insist he phones her twice a week though and sees her regularly. This can be seen as love or, it can be seen as she hasn't let him fly the nest? I don't see her as a cold mother. She shows empathy to animals, people and she does suffer heart break ... very unlike her son. It could be genetic ?
Watch my videos.
Mine was spoiled by his father and his mother was an enabler. They were married until his father died early in my narcs life when he was 22 years old. I guess he was stunted at 62 years old now. I married him last year and now divorcing. He discarded me and I was a balance of his alive mother and dead mother. I am an empath. He had past relationships he sabotaged and our marriage was one of convenience and benefit. However he used me for his self centered and devious ways and put me in a game I didn't sign up for. He married me to make his last supply jealous, come up for his failed music career, and sadistic, sexual activities, used me as a fetish. Glad I had to flee his abuse and doing better.
It's my son
No way to make it happen.....
Can you give some tips how can a narcissist escape a borderline woman?
I don't think they can if they wanted too. The borderline would have to leave. They seem to hoover better than the narcissist. my ex narcissist is with a borderline. He tries to leave, she stalks, hoovers, he always runs back including attacking me and my children at her bidding. I finally got a court to term his time with our children and a protection order for myself so we can be kept safe from their "cycles" and attempts to suck us in to use to triangulate with each other.
NPDs have to make up at least 10% of the population. 1pc is just the diagnosed ones.
Too much work......
The answer is don’t
you don't? isn't there anything better to do? like cycling for instance. or not
1% , it feels like 40% of people are narcissist.
Narcissistic style is not the same as narcissist (someone diagnosed with NPD).
Step 1: Don't.