Harvard negotiator explains how to argue | Dan Shapiro
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- Опубліковано 21 лис 2024
- Dan Shapiro, the head of Harvard’s International Negotiation program, shares 3 keys to a better argument.
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Americans are increasingly falling into the “tribal trap,” according to Dan Shapiro, author of “Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts.”
The tribal trap often centers on politics. Those ensnared in it will do anything they can to shut down the other side in an effort to prove that their side is right, just, and the only way forward. But from abortion to immigration, the problem is often not what we’re arguing about, it’s how.
So, how can we have more productive conversations? In this Big Think interview, Shapiro uses his negotiating expertise to outline several strategies to escape the tribal trap and communicate effectively, including understanding the core values of the other side, listening intently to what they’re saying, conveying that you understand what they’re saying, and finding common ground.
Get Dan Shapiro's book, “Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts” ► www.amazon.com...
Read the video transcript ► bigthink.com/p...
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About Dan Shapiro:
The founder and director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program, Daniel Shapiro teaches a highly evaluated course on negotiation at Harvard College; instructs psychology interns at Harvard Medical School/McLean Hospital; and leads executive education sessions at the Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School, Harvard Kennedy School, and Harvard Medical School/McLean Hospital. He also has served on the faculty at the Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy, Tufts University, and at the Sloan School of Management at Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
He is author of Negotiating the Nonnegotiable, which Matthew Bishop of the Economist Group called “quite simply, the best book I have ever read on negotiating in situations of extreme conflict.” He also is coauthor with Roger Fisher of the negotiation classic “Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate.”
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What do you think of these 3 steps to conflict resolution?
Honestly feels good to know that the method I use is nearly the same as the video.
Truly an educational video that taught me a few things I didnt even think of
American political culture does not value truth, collaboration, or compromise. These wise words will be there when the culture evolves.
Me: From whome can l learn to disguss constructively?
Big Think: Shapiro
WP
putting uplifting tracks on videos like this decreases the reliability. I actually wonder and curious to listen him but that uplifting weird music is unrelated and makes me question what m I watching
its dumb lol
A man once said, “arguing with a smart person is hard but arguing with a dumb person is dam near impossible.”
Honestly I don't agree, some smart people are insanely weaselly and use their intelligence to sneak in logical fallacies and other sophistry. And some dumb people are nonetheless quite humble and more open to having their minds changed. Not all the time of course, but there are some smart people you really don't want to argue with.
@@Hankblue to be honest, the humble and tolerant people you're referring to are not dumb. that's the last thing dumb people are. they are rigid, unseeing and refuse to understand your point, solely so that they can continue to bleat out theirs. like a child sticking their fingers in their years and yelling out. if the person i'm arguing with is smart enough to utilise actual logic i would greatly appreciate it. then it's less argument, more intellectual back-and-forth.
@@new_mclarens Yeah, I was using the word 'dumb' in a more rigid sense. I mean the person isn't intelligent, isn't good at problem solving or grasping complex ideas, but is nonetheless open to having their mind changed and engaging in good faith. To me that has more to do with your attitude, values and personality than your brain power or learnedness.
Fact
@@Hankblue actually to be more precise it would be a fool. Because an argument with them is a pure headache and a true gurantee of madness. There is a reason they are dumb/foolish in the first place. They belive their opinion is greater and they have a solid stand in whaterver they belive.
If you have two parties arguing on eye level, this is possible. Most conflicts I struggle with, is with someone, who has zero interest in solving a problem. They want to prolong the problem, so that they have something "to fight for". It is toxic. They don't want to have their problems solved, because then they will loose their "why".
You cannot wake up those who pretend to sleep.
@@frankxu4795 wat
that reminds me of the last video i watched regarding this - where the prerequisite was that both individuals are assumed to have respect for others, value honesty and an open mind. then i turned off the video :D
@@genesises okay, I agree with you, but hear me out...
What if the mentioned qualities can be awakaned during the conversation? I have experienced it IRL and can describe the process. In fact, I would love to hear your thoughts on the topic and look if something was missed.
It's not just that they have no interest solving the problem, it's the fact that many people have arrived at positions that they've never actually thought or gained any understanding about. Take abortion for example. Every single pro-choice individual I've ever spoken to believes abortion should not be allowed at some point. What that point is, they don't know. Is it a person, they don't know. Why did they choose that point? Who knows. When you're that uninformed about something, how the hell can you be so firm in your beliefs? It's just wacky.
How to argue?
1-Yell loudly
2-If that doesn't work threaten the other personal with financially, physically or really anything you have in your grasp
3-If the threats do not work attack them relentlessly in whatever way you can. Do not stop until they are dead or out of reach
W
Instructions unclear i got my ass beat
10/10
What kind of marriages have you been around?!
🤣🤣🤣🤣
This guy is a REALLY good speaker. We need more people in leadership positions who can communicate this well.
What he had to say was very well expressed. Which is why I don't understand why the annoying background music was necessary. It was very monotonous in fact I never finished the video because of the music.
JD Vance is the best communicator by far among the President and VP candidates seeking the Presidentcy this cycle.
We need more people in general who will just listen rather than preach - which is what I’m kind of doing now. Ha.😉
We need someone who can do well like their speech
Yes, a HUGE part of having a successful argument is to find common ground. Also:
- Don’t view conflict as the other person has to lose in order for me to win.
- Don't confuse getting even with getting what you want.
- It’s not what you say, it’s what they hear.
"It's not what you say, it's what they hear." 👏👏
If what I hear is not what she/he said, then the solution is to paraphrase what she/he said back to them to confirm your understanding. True?
@@9y2bgy A big part of "It’s not what you say, it’s what they hear" boils down to presentation, which often has nothing to do with the words we say (or even facts for that matter).
I resonate with this. I wonder why most people cannot remove ego when they are arguing with someone and stay open minded. Why do people see argument as a win or lose thing.
When I was talking on these lines with a friend, she was saying that she understands that I am not ego driven, sound logical, stay genuine to the concept being discussed and all that, however my tone appears to be offensive and that makes it harder for her to remove her ego. I'm continuing to introspect this.
I guess I need to learn how not to be an asshole at times.
Just throwing it out here.
I once read an interesting quote:- "Never argue with a stupid person because first he will drag you down to his level and then defeat you with his experience".
Happened
so true😔
I've mostly found that keeping your cool and composure is the your best asset in arguing, and using your words very thoughtfully, as to not offend the other party, and to effectively express your point of view, eye contact is a must, and overall tone and tempo of the conversation. All of these are important. And putting yourselves in the other ones shoes, and trying to see it from their eyes as well, and being understanding of their view points, as long as it falls within reason.
When I debate or argue while keeping cool the other party finds that to be passive aggressive and gets annoyed.
@@hoaxdev lol
This is literally just basic communication lol
@@EvalleDeMonaco 😂 that's actually a really good point lol
Sometimes a person will view you as an enemy and attack you personally. That cool composure will evaporate like methylated spirit lmao
How to argue - Summary:
1. Know thy self - See your identity clearly and control your emotions and reactions - Stand in your power - Actor instead of Re-Actor
2. Appreciation - Consciously listen to see the other side - Recognize your power to appreciate, it's important to know what others believe
3. Affiliation - Find common ground, search for value and understanding - Love instead of seggregation
try to find a common ground with a person who thinks the earth is flat XD
@@Lemmingcave Let’s start a revolution.
If you truly have to argue then trust me the opposing person will NOT listen. If the opposing person is sane then you can use the methods lol. Most people just shout (which works since no one wants to talk to them because of that behavior).
@@LemmingcaveI have done it many times, it is not that hard, although combining everything together takes practice. It’s is also a bit ironic to see comments like these on this video. Maybe a bit of self-reflection would be helpful. Simply refusing to argue with people who disagree with you is only increasingly entrenching the view you disagree with.
Quite often these conversations break down because while you know you’re right, you don’t fully know why. For example with flat earth, neither you or I are actual experts in that scientific field and it is quite often that the flat earther actually has more data than you. While it’s incorrect data, it is frustrating to not be able to effectively disagree with their arguments in an effective manner. Part of the solution is therefore also simply becoming informed enough about the subject to be able to actually have a conversation on it.
@@Itsgyro I think its a bit more nuanced with that. sometimes you can help facilitate a more constructive conversation, sometimes it gets more or less heated as things go on or loop back. assuming a truism I think can sometimes placebo yourself into thinking its a hard and fact case when I think its more fruitful to give the benefit of the doubt.
"If you argue with me, you're gay"
The simple, yet unbreakable spell used by classmates
Never argue with stupids....
but what if I am gay 😣😔
🤣
im dead 💀
lol
As a law student, this one video feels incredibly powerful. most of the time, we want to just prove the other person wrong and that is when negotiation comes to the fore front because that when you want to essentially listen to what the other perspective is. even if you don't want to agree, you can simply respect that opinion.
three steps to conflict resolution:
1)keep emotions on a lower pedestal;
2) keep the other person in your shoes and yourself in theirs;
3) always remember to disagree but never disrespect.
Thank you.
You don't have to want to prove someone wrong who is arguing using bigotry, lies, and a racist viewpoint, they are doing the best job themselves of proving themselves wrong.
@@ponponpatapon9670 No, No. He's a Got a Point...
Never argue if it is not absolutely necessary. The dog may bark but tho caravan still walk on it’s way.
Awsome top up
We’re forgetting a most important aspect: parties have to be willing to change their minds in the light of logical arguing. This is called - or I call it - “intellectual honesty”. Sometimes people can be half right but other times a six is a six and it can never be a nine.
@@ShaolinShali I would look up and study ‘fallacies’ to understand how they work and how they can be identified and suppressed and other forms of rhetoric that help elaborate speech and articulate logical ideas without falling in contradictions.
@P Shali don't talk to them?
@uh2 not entirely true, but also are you sure this comment was intended for me?
@uh2 Because I wasn't talking to you?
My comment clearly was directed towards Pshali. I advised him not to engage with with caustic individuals, as conversing with such broken souls is rarely productive.
Then, unsolicited, a fallacious and smug comment comes my way. So, I politely verified if said comment was meant for me. Aaaannnd I received another belligerent remark from you.
Not sure why, don't care why.
But thanks for proving to everyone here you are the EXACT type of eristic bellend that I was telling Pshali to not bother with; since intelligent individuals like myself know better.
Try to enjoy your Holidays, and I hope you find some happiness next year.
Cheers!
@uh2 True. I've earned that respect from the people in my life. Unlike you.
Yep, belligerent is a real word. I'm glad big, new words make you giggle.
As for your 'edgy' remark about seeing a therapist, that's called projection, Sport.
You are clearly the one with hostility issues, as your vilipend attests. Most people reading your comments can probably tell you need to see a psychiatrist as well. It is screamingly evident.
I'm not sure what failures in your life have metastasized into you being such a supercilious, attention-seeking troll, but I do hope one day you will find enough inner peace to at least be cordial with strangers. Like adults do.
We're done talking.
TLDR: I wasn't talking to you, never wanted to, and won't any further.
Can someone appreciate this video editing? amazing combination of key words, messages, images to reinforce... I loved it!
Ikr?
Ok, I’ll appreciate it. Happy?
@@futuristica1710 Very much so
4 minutes of my life not wasted. I have been in these situations. Listening to someone with a different opinion and finding a common ground always gave the best results. I'm the type who argues a lot, so I've tested pretty much all of it.
📸 Screen shot.
Let's cuddle.
I highly recommend reading 'How to Win Friends and Influence People.' It has these three exact points and countless other proven techniques. It's like the Bible for this stuff.
Cheers!
@@machupikachu1085 Oh. That! I only read it to chapter 4 and that is last year btw. 😁
@@machupikachu1085qqqq54qqqq533q2qqq333
Three barriers to overcome to have more effective conversations.
1) Identity
- What are the core values and core beliefs that are feeling threatened inside of you?
- Your sense of self is on the line, it's now about your pride.
- You need to know: Who you are + What you stand for.
- What are the values and beliefs that are driving you to fight for this stance?
- The more you know who you are, the better you can get your purpose met and stay balanced even if your values and beliefs are threatened.
2) Appreciation
- Each side wants to feel appreciated.
- Listen and understand. Take the first 10 minutes to understand.
- What is their perspective: value, logic, rational. Understand why and see the value in their perspective.
- Appreciate their perspective, "I hear where you're coming from" "That makes sense"
- Recognize your power to appreciate them and their perspective.
3) Affiliation
- What's the connection between you and the other side?
- Turn them from an adversary to a partner.
- No longer me vs. you, but us vs. the same shared problem.
- How can we get as many of our interests met at the same time?
Basically, it’s a counterargument essay but with speaking instead of writing. Thanks for the summary!
thank you!!!
Can I see some Dan Shapiro vs. Ben Shapiro arguments? That would be so entertaining to watch - water vs. fire
My AP Spanish teacher once said “the truth shouldn’t scream at you, it should convince you”.
this is all i want in relationships. especially with my family because we all grew up waiting to respond rather than listening to understand if that makes any sense.
Felt that! ❤
@nerd5809 it means fixing or repairing. for example, mending a broken telephone, or a relationship (by listening, understanding, and discussing).
I've always had problems with expressing myself. And I definitely agree that the first problem in overcoming an argument is the self. Most of the people I know speak as if they're being attacked physically or in a certain way. And it's really hard to get over that wall to see that there needs to be a plain ground to be able to achieve peace or mend things.
You wanna try with "Sorry, I really mean no harm, just I feel this and that". That's the good place where you can start from if you got your vis-a-vis angry at the moment.
Sounds not very fun, I agree, but that may ease down the pressure, and once you are there, you can really go out on a comfortable conversation. Me personally had used that a lot, and in most cases it worked well
dont give em the time of the day. i cant stand those kind of people either
I’ve always felt like I knew every detail about a total stranger’s life history, solely off the strength of gossip and obsessively studying their every move because I secretly want to BE them. It’s a big problem of mine. 😓
In every debate, I've always try and put myself in the adversary position first before starting to talk. Try to understand where they're coming from, trying to be objective. But more often than not, in most debates, we have always end up try to proving the other side was wrong. Having a healthy debate is what we want, but that's not what always gonna happen in reality.
You might try not considering the other individual your adversary for a start.
Here's a thought, next time, don't put your pride on the line. Your pride can never be hurt unless you make it personal. Rather, let them.
Best way to argue and also be diplomatic
Another thing that doesn't happen in reality; people are not always honest about their true reasons for holding some controversial stance. A closeted bigot will never reveal to you his true motives for holding a bigoted view. For example, when it comes to affirmative action, a closeted racist will talk about his belief in meritocracy as the reason for his opposition to affirmative action. He will not tell you he's against affirmative action because he's a raging racist. No matter how much you argue with him, you'll never get through to him because all your arguments will be centered on deconstructing his idea of meritocracy, while racism will go undiscussed.
Im so bad at debating, sometimes we have to make groups and i’m always quiet when we do debate.
Thank you👍
1-Identity
2- appreciation
3- Affelation
If the people keep the communication with the presence of a third part, who is accepted from both sides, there's always a solution.
as an opinionated person, i’m learning to let others speak and not trying to change ppl. i need to work on being more accepting, and allow ppl to come as they are. this video has rlly helped me. thank u
🧘🏽♂️🤙
👏 👏 👏
There's also the issue of, you can't reason someone out of an opinion they didn't use reason to form. You also can't make people care. If they don't have basic empathy, then using logical and empathic bullet points won't matter. I was raised by a narcissist (and the other an enabler), and sometimes the correct amount of energy to spend towards someone is nothing, other than the calories required to walk away from them.
@@albinoorca It's also important to accept that sometimes, even if you feel you're being logical and thorough, you might still be wrong anyway.
I like how you use the adjective "opinionated" as if not everyone is ready to throw their opinions on us. As a human being,...
The very first thing he said grabbed me "I feel uncomfortable around conflict". I cannot handle conflict. Through various past traumas and things I am not emotionally able to handle conflict, I just shut down. I try my best, but it's like trying to breathe when you're at the bottom of the ocean, I just suffocate. These are very good tips and I'm going to seek out his book.
Name of book plz
@@saeedabbas231 ...he literally throws it at one of the crew in the beginning after introducing it.
I have a same feeling as you. I cannot break out of my shell. I just shut down and do nothing.
You can, you just don't know how. Your past trauma is an obstacle so it will be very difficult for you to develop the tools to succeed, but I believe you can do it.
@@rw5622Thank you for this. I am trying so hard to build the tools to deal with conflict. It's so hard and I struggle and fall back in this all the time.
As someone who has been diagnosed with sociopathy, this is the biggest issue I face almost every day of my life. I don’t feel a thing and I end up hurting people’s feelings since they always tell me that. I feel it’s impossible to put myself in the other person’s position.
I always end up hurting my partner for example, and I don’t know what else to do, I’ve tried everything but it seems impossible to control my anger in those situations. He’s so patient and understanding, but I would not want him to get tired of this one day
You wrote yourself the answer
Realizing your husband is patient and understanding is the first step ♥️ maybe look into studying body language so you can tell how your words are effecting people easier ?
hii, i dont mean to be disrespectful but im very curious, since ur a sociopath, correct me if im rong but with most antisocial personality disorders lacking empathy is a thing. so do u feel love and gratitude to others like friends parents and even ur partner?
How’s it different from psychopathy - inability to empathize? What did docs advised? “Asking for a friend”
@@ltpetrenko Sociopathy is having no empathy for anyone you come across, no matter how close your bond is with them. Pyschopathy is being able to know those feelings and putting yourself in someone's shoes, but simply not caring (I'm pretty sure, correct me if I'm wrong)
ITS THE OPPOSITE YALL SORRY
I’m only 19 I’ve got a lot to learn but recently I’ve realized how important it is to listen honestly to the others point of vue. If you go into an argument or a debate with the idea that you’re going to destroy the opposition you’re never going to win in your opponents eyes only in the eyes of the watchers. If you want to make real change, change someone’s mind it starts with respect and finding common ground is a really important step. I loved this video it really articulated what kind of person I want to be while arguing/debating or just discussing any subject
I’m only 15.
I’m still a sperm cell, but I’m coming guys
How do you win the opponents eyes with respect and finding common ground?
@@vxvxxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxxv I’m about to be 21 now and I have similar view of things. I think the idea I was trying to express at the time is that you cannot win the “opponents” eyes by force you cannot destroy the person you are talking to. You must start from what you can agree on, really honestly listen to what they have to say and ask questions then try to relate it all to your opinion. This is also a way of evaluating your own argument and opinion
Bro age is nothing. Don't say I'm only 19. Say I'm 19.
In my experience on learning to debate, the secret is to avoid fallacies, learn what they are, and don't use them... In the beginning it may feel as you're being soft, but actually in the long run you will be convincing. And by recognizing fallacies, you will be a lot more leaning to learn new things and to accept others points of view when are actually better than your inicial one, which resumes into be more wise, and also more convincing by consequence.
very wise man
Nicely said
@@OCEAN_OF_FOXES Sorry my bad, it can be read the way you did, but I meant, by recognizing what fallacies do to debate, and avoiding the use of them... Then you will focus on the real debate, and will be more leaning to recognize the other points...
@@OCEAN_OF_FOXES ohh if you detect the use of fallacies on the other side? Well be strong and try to stay attached to not use them, generally that would be an non productive debate, you wont learn much, or nothing from the counterpart, but sometimes even among the other ones fallacies you can detect the real point, and just try to redirect the debate back to de objetive rail. It's a complex situation, because if the debate is just for "fun", try to get out of it, but if it is the base for an important decision, well that's unconfutable, but will have to be convincing by pointing fallacies and immediately back to the real point, this case is never nice.
What's felacy? Is it like felony?
My parents rarely argue because my mom is dominant and gets emotional and really aggressive quickly, so dad has learned to just keep his mouth shut in exchange for peace. A few years ago, my mom tried very hard to pressure me into having kids and started expressing displeasure at my choice of husband, and blaming him for the misery that I would surely suffer later in life as a childless old widow, all the while refusing to believe me when I told her that neither of us wanted children and that we were contented to not pass on our genes. After going through the same dialogue a few times without any real progress, I realised that she was in fact just really pissed off that I had the nerve to choose my own way of life and did not ask her for permission or approval… I realised that underneath all that yelling, glaring, finger jabbing, almost-frothing-at-the-mouth display of aggression was a highly insecure and scared person, and I felt sadness and pity more than anger. I told mom that she was welcome to pick up a kitchen knife and put an end to my life then and there, just so that our argument could have a final conclusion, and also because I would never enter into another discussion on this topic again as long as I lived. We have indeed not entered into any further discussion on this topic since then, and mom has mellowed out a bit as well, which you wouldn’t expect from people who are used to alway getting their way and just learned the hard way that the world doesn’t evolve around them. Perhaps she’s planning her comeback moves, or perhaps her mind is more at ease now that she knows I am at the helm of my own ship. Either way, I am proud of myself for keeping my cool and not entering into a yelling match, that wouldn’t have helped.
See my comment about Power and winning arguments. There is an old Truth about conflict: Do not enter into a fight with a man who is not afraid to DIE. When you challenged your mother to take a stab at you - literally - you showed that you were not afraid to die. The next step to victory is to point out to your Opponent that you are not afraid to live without her. Try that and see how it goes.
@@v1e1r1g1e1
Isent that child needs to move out from parents home, when the time comes, when he becomes adult, when he cant forever live in his parents home, so how that mother cant stand that she can live without her, when that mother has her husband, when why would she want to keep own daughter forever in the house, that does not give then good start for her to start her own family.
I had a somewhat similar experience. My mom had a ton of kids and tried to micromanage them (at home all day, homeschooled under her thumb) because she lacks the maturity to keep friendships and felt resentment towards her older siblings for not being close to her, despite a massive age gap that wasn't their fault- So, kids who had no option but to rely on her was her solution to wanting attention constantly. I grew up and realized that everything I was taught (or sometimes, intentionally not taught) was nonsense. Not to mention I knew I didn't want kids since my age was in the single digits, but I dared not tell *her* that.
Like you, my mom was a volcano constantly threatening to blow up, and my dad just rolled over and let her be that way. Never stood up for us kids even when he agreed with us.
Years after I moved out and had been with my bf (who won't see her, for good reasons), she asked me on the phone, "Well, is he ever going to make amends with me!? What if I want to see my grandkids!?". I flatly told her I don't want kids, and the mental sputtering she did was honestly humorous. 25 years old at that time, and she had never once ever asked me if I wanted my own kids. Which is funny because she refused to acknowledge that I'm an adult or that I'm capable of making my own decisions, everything I do or say that she doesn't like gets blamed on my partner "brainwashing" me. Who simultaneously thinks their child is incompetent and helpless, AND expects them to become a parent?
Telling your mother to mind her business in a nice or nasty way would have been better than a display with a knife. Sounds like both of you need mental health support. Nothing wrong with getting help.
The moment i read the part where your mom went all crazy about you deciding not to have kids, I knew you were probably a Chinese (like me) or from other east-asian countries. And judging by your username, i think my assumption might be correct. The story is just so ironically familiar. I admire you for standing your ground. I wish i could be just as brave when i am in the same shoes one day.
This is a wonderful way to deal with a problem when the two parties merely disagree on an issue. However, the conflicts I have felt most frustrated with were the ones where people straight up refused to accept the facts.
Can you give an example?
@@XaliberDeathlock anthropomorphic climate change, effectiveness of vaccines,...
@@Steinchen43 what are their rebuttals/refusals usually?
@@XaliberDeathlock they just don't believe in it. Most common one is "do your own research" which is completely worthless as an argument but they don't seem to know that.
@@Steinchen43 I get where you're coming from here, but these lessons still apply. If they are making baseless arguments, then usually it means they find some aspect of their identity threatened (like their livelihood or their children's health, even if these fears are misplaced), and they look for any evidence to support their beliefs. So it still might be helpful to understand why they feel threatened, and let them know that their fears make sense (even if you don't agree) before continuing.
I came to learn how to argue and learnt how to be understanding.
My current pursuit as an old fart retired toolmaker is to try to watch my thinking. I have begun to attend my local county courts, because I want to understand this confrontational environment. I’ve been trying to track cases to see how the individuals involved react vs respond when forming their arguments. Your video struck home with me. I have been trying to write small essays based on my observations (maybe better to say journal entries) to probe my own root morals and ethics in life, this by comparing and contrasting with the justice system. Sound weird? But thank you very much. T
Always a worthwhile pursuit. Kudos to you for taking the time to look into yourself
Not weird at all. Super admirable.
Yo that’s super cool
I'm also quite interested in this and I'd love to read your essays/journal entries, if you're interested in sharing them. If not, I wish you the best of luck all the same!
You are describing content i want to see in the world
Easier said than done.
One has to be able to slow down their own thinking and increase self awareness in the heat of an argument. That can be pretty hard to do when encountering a personally hot topic, or a person with whom you've argued before, or a situation which already has you tense for one reason or another, or if the subject touches on a sore spot you're were or weren't previously aware of, or if you're currently worried about something else, or if you hadn't slept well the night before, or if your blood sugar is too high...
And even if you CAN pull this off, it's not a stretch that the other person, in a state of elevated anxiety or anger, could perceive your appreciation as condescension. And you might not be as calm as you think, either, so just simmering a bit might put that mildly insulting spin on it - whether you're conscious of that or not.
Conflict is an unavoidable part of social interaction. It's also useful. Emotional investment in a topic has a stronger, more personal, more honest impact than cool discussion. I think it's better to go ahead and fight, but fight fair - stick to the point, avoid personal attacks, don't take the other person's words personally (whether they want you to or not), and step away when things are too heated.
Easier said than done, for sure, but this is exactly why people need to hear this and learn to catch themselves when they're being ineffective communicators. Being emotionally invested isn't mutually exclusive with arguing well.
Most things in life that are worth pursuing aren't easy.
First time I've heard someone agree that honest emotions > cool discussion. Not necessarily easier to understand/explain ones self in that state, but it's a hell of a lot better than people pretending.
This is why I hate debates, and rather to have discussion than it. The debaters often will be self-centered in insisting themselves as righteous instead of considering the opposition's opinions, and in most of the time will fall into numerous classic fallacies in the heat of the argument that could add up much more complexities during the information exchange as the debater is just trying to prove they are right.
It also setup a very terrific example on how information should be exchanged, as being wrong in the argument is actually okay as everybody made mistake. You might be right in the argument, but so what? At least with discussion people will be able to realize their mistakes and learned something new without being humiliated. It is okay to be wrong, but it is never okay to practice an attitude that keeps on persisting your arguments as righteous all the time despite the circumstances.
"And even if you CAN pull this off, it's not a stretch that the other person, in a state of elevated anxiety or anger, could perceive your appreciation as condescension."
Use the No.1 enemy of condescension; self-deprecation.
Its hard to find common ground with people who don't have your best interest in mind. When they are looking out for solely themselves its important to make that distinction. This course often takes place in their actions. It should never be that hard to get someone to love you the way you are asking for.
Important to remember that you will almost never completely win an argument in one “session” so to speak. It often takes time for someone to gradually change and adapt their views. Think back on how your own views have changed for example and you can see this in effect. This, instead of going into every argument as a dichotomous outcome, think of it with the goal of planting a seed of doubt that causes them to rethink their view. It still may not be the “correct” view, but you can only change so much at once.
Note for myself!
1. Identity
Why do we tend to get emotional in conflict?
We need to know who we are - what we stand for (what are the values and beliefs that are driving me to fight for this stance?)
2. Appreciation
Listen to the other side, try to see their perspective, appreciate their point of view
3. Affiliate
Find common ground: not me vs. you, but the two of us facing the same problem.
Identifying your values, identity, what do you standing for, understanding where your identity lies (Race, Region, Nationality etc.,) will give you so much peace of mind, you don't even feel like arguing with someone once you dig down deep into your core values. Hence, I am proud to say, I am beyond so many social boundaries, I am able to focus so much on other things.
Negotiation - Conflict
Conflict is uncomfortable.
Conflict is useful
How to deal with conflict most effectively?
Tribal trap - I am right you are wrong.
How should we argue?
Barriers for effective communication! Identity, Appreciation and Affiliation!
1. Identity - Core values are feeling threatened. Identity is hooked, it now about pride and self. Who you are? What are the values you stand for?
2. Appreciation
In conflict, listen and understand their values. Where are they coming from? Find their perspective, value.
3. Affiliation -
What is the relationship of this issue with me?
Solution - Find common ground! What are the common goals.
The best way to approach a conflict is through realizing that you are not fighting against each other, you are fighting against a problem, and it's easier to do it together. To find common ground -- the first rule of diplomacy.
I find that, REMAINING CALM and keeping your cool in every situation is the best solution. Unless they get violent (with weapons) then you try to fight back or take cover lol.
Main points:
Try to understand the rationale and value behind the other person's opinion by consciously making yourself listen to their entire stance for 10 minutes and then try to appreciate the points you agrre with because people appreciate appreciation or if there's no such point, then make them feel that you hear/get them before expressing your side of the argument. If the disagreement or argument still persists, then try to find common ground.
Man i misread the title and for a second i thought ben shapiro was gonna say "lets say, hypothetically, youre in an argument"
The budha was once asked : how to best argue with people.
His answer was this :
If the person has weak opinions and weak emotions - it's easy.
If the person has either strong opinions and weak emotion or vice versa - it's hard, but not impossible.
But, if the person has both strong opinions and strong emotion - forget about it.
Does strong mean stable emotions or an emotional one?
@@aur9035 weak meaning vulnerable, prone to react based on those emotions rather than rational thought.
Several thoughts
1. Effective negotiating is such an important topic that this video under 5 minutes does not do it justice.
2. There are some people and some topics that you can never negotiate with. These people are either too convinced on their position or there is no upside for you with you win the negotiation .
3. Try to agree with the person as much as possible.
4. Restate the persons point. People want to feel as though they are being heard and understood.
5. Be the calm one in the negotiation. Don't yell or get upset.
6. Try to support your position with as many data points as possible.
7. Ask them clarify questions to best understand their point. Most people are very poor communicators.
8. Try not to bore the person. For some people the topic you are trying to argue does not interest them at all.
9. Always show respect to the person you are arguing against. Your rebuttals/defense of your position should not be based on destroying your opponents credibility.
10. Let the other person talk more.
11. Be prepared to walk away.
12. Take your opponent down a trail of agreeing to smaller points to get them to agree to a larger point.
I get bored a lot watching professionals explaining and lecturing. but this guy is amazing. he made me finish the whole vid. good explanation
Biggest barrier to critical thinking is "Emotion"
cRiTIcAL tHInKinG
Emotions are our fuel to innovation and inspiration
Agreed. Debating is having different view points. Arguing is when BOTH parties let emotion cloud their logic.
Stop talking nonsense
@@machupikachu1085 Educating is what I call when one party is fueled by facts and the other party is fueled by anecdotes and opinion.
RESPECT! I thoroughly enjoyed hearing him out. The way he explained the concept is so clear.
This is great! Love the part where you acknowledge taking a moment to hear what the other party is trying to communicate. We speak to be heard but never take the time to actually listen to what others are saying.
The best way to argue for me is not really to 'argue,' but rather 'discuss' with as much empathy and love as possible; as though speaking with a family member you care for deeply but simply have a disagreement with.
@Michael Lochlann only if they look at it that way.
I‘ve learned not to expose my identity when talking about politics, especially if the other has opposing views. I just listen & understand & find common ground. It’s amazing how much we have in common, & the entire time they think I’m on “their side.”
this is a video every human being, who is willing to listen to it, should hear. nice job!!!
May God bless you and your family and help you Give your life to Jesus Christ and repent. I pray that God will lead on the path to Jesus Christ and send the Holy Spirit to be your helper. I pray this in the mighty name of Jesus Christ I pray Amen! Jesus Christ loves you. Give your life to Jesus Christ and ask for forgiveness for ALL OF YOUR SINS. Even the ones committed in the past and repent. He’s coming soon. Please pray and repent. GOD IS ALPHA AND OMEGA!!!!!God is King of Kings! Lord of lords! God of gods! To him be glory, glory, glory! For now and forever Amen! 2 Peter 3:18 “Grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”
The issue with modern day arguments in a publicly viewable online world, is that the arguers aren't arguing for the sake of the person they're arguing against, they're arguing for an audience. The goal isn't to convince someone of something, its to bignote themselves in front of the people in the forum who already agree. I firmly believe that if people with a disagreement just actually talked to each other there would be way less division in our society.
Of course this all works great, but only if both arguing are sensible and willing. Often not the case.
In many cases, people argue to vent emotion. That is not truly a "negotiation" and you cannot persuade any of those people
It is already enough if only one is sensible and willing
@@NastyCupid That’s not true. Not in a scenario in which one side claims to have “alternative facts.”
@@gregbors8364 Then the sensible side should explore these ''alternative facts'' rather then simply viewing them as ''alternative facts''
@@NastyCupid “My guy won the election.”
“But the other guy got more votes.”
“No he didn’t. It was rigged. Stolen.”
“…but you don’t have any evidence of that.”
“There’s lots of evidence. I have alternative facts that show me the evidence. You can’t tell me otherwise.”
How does one reach “compromise” with an intractable position like that?
I must say the editing done is phenomenal, it's like music free flowing and soothing. it's done to perfection. GREAT JOB EDITORS.
anyone id the black n white movie clip on this vid ? looking for title of it thanks ,.
Conflicts happen at three levels- logical, emotional and social .If one side is presenting their views logically, and the other side is emotional about it, that conflict is difficult to resolve. The key is to identify where the other person is coming from at the earliest point in a conflict or an argument
So basically I have been following this for years lol.
I just bought up my own version on how to debate/Argue:
1)Never react to the threats/points that the opponent may use to trigger you
2)Throw certain things at them and see how they react, if they don't react continue with the 3rd step.
3)Listen to the others and see their morals and thoughts. Find a middle ground and settle.
You can end a debate by both sides agreeing, it isn't necessary for anyone to win or lose.
What scares me most and also makes me conflict-avoidant in politics is that scientific and professional facts are rejected. What I like about science is that as we learn more, things change, but we have evidence to support it. And changing your mind based on new information is in my opinion, one of the most important things a person can do.
Are you familiar with Plato’s cave? It offers insight in how people do not change their Views out of nowhere
You can't use scientific method to convince anti-vax people and flat earthers.
The problem is that no one can keep up with all the new information. You can't trust most people on that information since some people's source is "I thought this is correct" like my parents think phones should charge to 100% to not destroy battery. And then for the phd/academic stuff, most people probably don't understand a word the author wrote (including me). The only option is just to do things when most people think something is correct.
@@sirhellsing the last sentence is so right and also forced to do what people in higher authority believes to be true/what they want to be true. The thing about academics is almost everyone is not learning. You read, you write, get marks, get grades that's it. Ever read about Milgram experiment, if not look into it
I really needed this, I'm not very good at argueing but I like to share my opinion/ my stand or point of view. Also, I liked that how you explained things very calmly yet very effective.
Thank you Sir!
This is why I ask what people's intentions are. If we have the same intentions and same goals, then it is a competition on who can do it better. Then brainstorm and test together.
1. Identify your values:
- What u stand for?
2. Appreciate
- Listen and understand
+ What’s the value behind their perspective?
+ Why do they hold this perspective?
+ When fully understanding, let them know
3. Affiliate
- Find common ground.
+ Turn them from an adversary into a partner.
+ Mindset: The two of us are facing the same shared problem
Ex: What’s your advice on how we can…….?
this is a fantastic position to have on the topic of debate/arguing, it lets the person you're in a conflict with feel that you're meeting the on their level, or "meeting them where they're at" which is an invaluable social tool to have. great stuff
May God bless you and your family and help you Give your life to Jesus Christ and repent. I pray that God will lead on the path to Jesus Christ and send the Holy Spirit to be your helper. I pray this in the mighty name of Jesus Christ I pray Amen! Jesus Christ loves you. Give your life to Jesus Christ and ask for forgiveness for ALL OF YOUR SINS. Even the ones committed in the past and repent. He’s coming soon. Please pray and repent. GOD IS ALPHA AND OMEGA!!!!!God is King of Kings! Lord of lords! God of gods! To him be glory, glory, glory! For now and forever Amen! 2 Peter 3:18 “Grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”
@@angelemeana2754 hell yeah! JE-SUS! JE-SUS! JE-SUS!
I hope I die soon so I can gaze upon his righteousness 🥲
I feel like this only works when both parties in disagreement are able to do it which is the crux of the entire issue. Most of the time when I've had disagreements with others it ends up being a game of them trying to change the facts to fit their beliefs rather than trying to standardize the facts to find a common solution. Its incredibly frustrating
no just start swinging fists
@@angelemeana2754 concordo amigo
This title should be changed to "Why to argue".
100%
To be honest this is more difficult that it seems. Because now a days people tend to shut down mid conversation. Then you get the "La La La you're wrong I'M right " treatment. So I recommend that you let people know at the very beginning of the debate that you don't intend to shut them down completely or any of that. That way they are a little more willing to listen to your side of the argument when it's time.
Other times people right off the bat are extremely disagreeable and refuse to even continue a conversation the moment they think you won't agree with them.
For example, if someone where to say "I think the last republican ( T - name. I don't wanna get banned) was a better pres. than the curre-" "wrong you idiot! You must be a racist shut up!" *stomps away.
Or inversely, "Sleepy Joe is the best bro-" "Silence Liberal"
lol it's just people shutting others down as soon as possible. No one wants to converse or share information. Especially those that don't actually know what is going on in it's entirety but are highly opinionated. So, they think winning an argument is simply by stopping it before it even begins. Something like "you aren't qualified to talk with me because you're incorrect by the nature of your statement" . And then everyone is just salty all day, and depending on if you knew the other person well or not, you may have pissed them off to the core and it may ruing your relationship with them.
And this kids is why socially there are things you don't talk about in public like politics, religion, race, gender, sandwiches v. hotdogs, ideological beliefs that can jeopardize another groups ambitions, etc.
Or so this is all my thoughts.
I hope if you're reading this you have a great day. Hab a cookie 🍪.
*Takes cookie because I read the whole comment*
Thanks for the cookie mate
*nom nom*
Yummy! 😋
plus if you decide to walk away because its useless then they believe you have nothing to say and are walking away out of shame
yeah what if you're the one who shuts down and just decides to give them the "victory"? is there anything I can learn in the long run by allowing these arguments or debates to unwind? or is there mostly no point when consistently dealing with people who don't have the knowledge base or critical thinking skills to back their opinions?
The answer is simpler than this. Consider, what is the most effective way to have a belief that's impervious? Don't let in bad ideas, by which I mean anything that the other person says. Remember, what they say could risk changing your mind, and if you're changing your mind it means your belief isn't impervious. That's how I developed my simple 3 step model: Don't listen, never listen, never change. Stay impervious.
Give this new editor a raise
Yesss
You don’t know what they’re paid already; I’m not saying they don’t deserve it but they are most likely payed what their worth, which is a lot
@@WoodenCases I didn't mean it literally. I said it to indirectly say that this video is very well edited, compared to the rest of them.
@@L.I.T.H.I.U.M Yeah, sorry
@@WoodenCases NP
This is one of the best videos BT has put out in a while! I think this is the kind of thing we need right now.
The problem a lot of people have is they don't want to be associated with the other side, and making common ground will often lead to their side thinking they have defected, or worry about being perceived so. This is also something we have to overcome
but often times in politics the goal in mind its to make a greater country. how do we keep our kids safe in school? the goal is to keep our kids safe but the way we do it is where we find our differences.
This quote is one to memorise: "What is your advice for how we can get as many of our interests met at the same time?"
A great question to ask in a conflict situation - humble, yet puts the onus on the other person to find solutions, including to meet at least some of your own (or others') interests. Of course, if the person is forceful or self-centred, they might propose a solution which grants 90% of their needs, and less than 10% of others', but at least they have started to consider the other point(s) of view. Be patient, and listen. Then ask them to listen to you while you propose your own solution. Hopefully you will eventually come up with something which satisfies your own minimum requirements, while also getting the other's grudging consent to their own minimum requirements (what is the minimum though - often it's negotiable!)
If things don't work out, perhaps you'll walk away - or agree to discuss again another day - but having listened to each other, you can do so more amicably. It's hard (for sane people) to remain enemies with somebody who looked you in the eyes and made serious attempts to understand you and achieve your goals
i always try to apply understanding and appreciation in my arguments (and i dont think im bad at arguing thus far) but i guess now i should try to apply affiliation and see how it goes. great 4-minute video!
An important video during the times we live in today!
A question that remains for me is: HOW will we make sure people actually start implementing this in their negotiations?
Now I want to try to turn every adversary I am arguing against into an ally to get the problem solved with. As someone cursed with a great sense of empathy, I like to think I can make this happen. As someone with ADHD, my emotions aren’t always the easiest to control… especially during an argument I am emotionally invested in. Which seems to be most arguments for me. 😑
that's a good perspective to have, but keep in mind it will be even more frustrating when you come across those who refuse to see things from anything but their own perspective, which you'll find is a lot more common than most people like to think, once you start doing this :p still a very worthwhile pursuit and in a sense you'll come out the 'winner' regardless since even when you don't succeed, you'll learn and they'll be left ignorant or less successful (ignorantly so)
@@genesises Oh yeah, there are absolutely some inflexible, close minded people out there who just will not compromise and want it their way or the highway.
I recongise the ADHD issue with arguments, i too struggle with ADHD sometimes. I feel personally spoken to very quickly in a conversation, but when I can see past that. I can have good argument with someone. But its hard. I praise you for knowing and seeing beyond your emotions and see the bigger picture :)
I just realized that I have taken more notes from this 4 minutes video than most very long videos, great value!
Thanks for sharing
Flattery, bribery, blackmail - the most powerful tricks in negotiations 🙂
“ Seek first to understand, then to be understood”. - Stephen Covey
I have found that the best way to debate is to wrap your identity into valuing the truth above all, and to invest emotionally in as few foundational beliefs as possible. Approach debate as an inquisitive student wanting to learn something from someone else and teach them something as well. And listen more than you speak.
His voice solve half the conflict lol ❤
This man deserves a round of applause for not bashing anyone or acting as a propagandist, unlike most people in media discussing politics today.👏
How ironic for Lunge to say that.
Yes it was actually surprising.
2:44 This is very good advice. I once argued with my racist grandpa who supports slave ownership and in the end I realized he has his own reasons to hold his opinions. He's not wrong, we just hold different opinions.
out of curiosity, what had he told you about it?
@@zesu09 he said black people have less value than white people
#1 key is don't argue. I've never seen anyone change by losing an argument.
I like this Shapiro a lot more than the other one
same here lol
The points you mentioned. All 3 of them would work amazingly for tackling relationship arguments, but I think that's where they stop. Especially the last one. The last point, affiliation, doesn't apply to a lot of real world scenarios. Often times, decision making necessitates a choice between "my way" or "your way". Having said that, I feel if I'm not able to affiliate for the solution, I cannot wholeheartedly accept it, which may fail your second point, Appreciation.
Do you have examples of those real-world scenarios of "your way / my way" as the only way forward?
At the age of 50 i just realized my emotion are just there and i cant not let go how nasty and liar people are in order to achieve what they want and its very, but very frustrating. i know i have to let go, but why me and not them? I dont want to teach people about moral values that they didnt received at home , but is very annoying allow them go away as winners knowing they will do the same to others. So what should i do? Thats is my constant dilemma!
It was a quick guideline on how to make arguments properly. It is a very short yet valuable lesson.
As I watch this, I think to my self "Great!!! Now I know how to exploit a person when it comes to an argument". Thanks Big Think for this amazing video.
The video is demonstrating the opposite of that lol
@@AntonStruzik yeah
exploiting in the sense that you win over someone? but thats literally the not what was tould
@@AntonStruzik Yes thats exactly right! What im saying is the I now know how arguments go, so I can now exploit in my favor because now I know.
@@Npossibly And like the commenter said, that's exactly the opposite message the the video is portraying. The video is suggesting we find common ground and approach each debate with good faith and you said something along the lines of 'great, I'll approach every debate with bad faith and try to exploit my opponent' lol.
you can't argue with a real madrid fan its like talking to a brick wall
HALA MADRID🎉
So true 😂😂😂
We need to start teaching and developing this skill in children, so they become adults who know how to negotiate and find solutions through our common ground. Rather than the "My way or the highway" thinking we have right now, that has been leading us to go to war with each other.
1. Listen attentively
2. Affirm that you see/hear their views
3. Emotional commonality i.e opposing views
4. Finding a solution TOGETHER by focusing on the shared issue and the issues that can be helped by both parties.
Basically: you have to ask them if they’re qualified to hold their opinions, call them stupid, pick specific words in their arguments and build a new argument to take down from that. And most importantly, if you’re cornered say, “la la la I can’t hear you I’m right you’re wrong”
This only works if you are dealing with somewhat 'rational' people. These days we seem to have a whole raft of people who don't ascribe to 'good knowledge/sound reasoning' much less wanting to ever move beyond their very polarized position. It almost seems like a 'sickness'. There is a shifting in what they believe and say and take a stand on. If one thing doesn't hold up, well off they go on another tangent. And there is such a great deal of lying, which only furthers mistrust and polarization. I am appalled by the state of communications these days.
on both sides too. our political system takes advantage of less intelligent people. both sides trick people based on loose arguments and then demonize the hell out of the other side, although the republican party relies on it much more.
The old days probably weren't better
The old days weren't better.
Who else was here to try and find a way to have a reasonable conversation with their parents?
🙋♀🥲
me
OMG MEEEEEEEE😂😂
That's why I actually tapped this video to see if its helpful. But alas it's not. Havin a normal civilized conversation is literally impossible with my toxic parents. It is what it is. I can't change them. So fk them. I really can't stand to be around their heavy, super dense negative toxic 3d vibes. 🤢 🤮
Lmao growing up I was told I should be a lawyer
Of course that was an insult lmao
But I can relate. Frustrated as I may have been, getting emotional only gave them leverage lol
1) Know yourself and what you stand for
2) Listen to the opposing side and find their value behind their argument
3) Instead of looking at it as a versus, look at at it as both parties versus the actual problem
I hated arguing growing up but I think I've taken on a bit more of that habit on the internet recently. It does make me feel better to win the argument but I also lose a lot of precious time so now I'm thinking, "Ok, I proved to myself that I can do it, now I don't have to do that anymore". Not everyone who is quiet isn't good at arguing, they are just avoiding the conflict to save themsevles some headache
Beautifully made! I love the editing 🧡
It's easy to communicate rationally when it's just you and someone else. But, throw in more people, we develop group think. It's difficult to not be influenced by others, especially, if we have the same root beliefs. We don't want to lose face in front of a crowd.
Winning in an Argument is pretty easy but it can easily gives the blueprint of your brain which makes it precious, the less you argue the more wise you r !!!!
How to argue.
Step 1: Have the last name, Shapiro.
How to argue: 1. Don’t
Impossible life is full of contention my friend😂
@@For_The-namesakesnake bro cmon are u tryna argue?!?
how to argue: always be right
step 2: never be wrong
What an intriguing video title! The art of negotiation, especially as taught by a Harvard negotiator like Dan Shapiro, is such a fascinating subject. Being able to argue effectively and constructively is a skill that can be incredibly beneficial in so many aspects of life, from professional settings to personal relationships. The concept of understanding different perspectives and finding common ground is not only intellectually stimulating but also very practical. It's great to see content that focuses on improving communication and conflict resolution skills!
I literally watched a man explain nothing in 4 minutes and 35 seconds. How many words can one say without really saying anything.
I disagree. Rewatch the video.
Two of the key elements to discussions that I feel was crucial to be part of this video that you missed out on are:
1) always approach the situation with the belief that you can learn from the other person and that their thoughts have value that you should really listen to and try to understand. Maybe they know something you don't.
and 2) don't keep blindly shouting your group identity's talking points without really thinking about them and genuinely believing in them and being able to formulate why they are actually valid and valuable. So many times, now more than ever before, people are constantly arguing political stances (most prominently Political Correctness) and they don't actually have independent individualistic thoughts. They just repeat what everyone else is saying, regardless of what they believe in. Such as what's happening today, everyone on social media is trying to cancel Kanye West for being antisemitic, yet it seems like most people I talk to are unable to specifically point out why they think he is, it's just because everyone else is saying he is, therefore he is. Just an example. Key point is, everyone should try to actually think about the stances they take and be able to explain them properly and support them. Repeating the party line is exactly what leads to pointless arguments.
Would love to see a Shapiro v Shapiro
Arguing with another person is the last thing I would like to do in a conversation. But even if some one start an argument with me, the appreciation is the first thing I do. That has helped me to get out from that pointless conversation ASAP..