Exactly! I was never really around secure people much until my 30s at the job I’m still at now & they continue to amaze me. I’m always expecting anger but it seems like things just roll off of them. Being secure sounds amazing.
Yeees, this video was soo valuable and I would love more content on securely attached! My securely attached partner says beautiful things all the time and can really take away worries and feelings of shame. For example on our way back from a friends party, I am too tired to walk home but the home is just one metro station away and I thought ooh thats not worth buying a ticket. And I told my boyfriend my thoughtprocess starting with: „The problem is…“ And he says so gentle and lovingly back: „There is no problem.“ :) Or I felt like I would really like to see him and came to his place. We both were really tired and fell asleep early. I also had to leave early in the morning and in the morning I felt bad. I felt like maybe I am using him „just“ for having comfortable time. I told him that I didn’t mean to just come for sleeping. And he answered: „You can just sleep here as much as you want.“ In general he makes me feel VERY welcome and VERY worthy of everything. Interestingly when I feel bad sometimes he reacts automatically with trying to smile at me but shortly after he mirrors me and really holds me with my feeling. And also makes me feel very loved in the state I‘m in. Let’s me talk and doesn’t interrupt me. He said once first: „Oh don’t cry“ and immediately after he added „I mean you can cry if you want.“ 😃 He is reaaally a blessing. Also good in saying sorry!
could we please get more videos like these that show what healthy, secure attachment looks like?? i find myself avoiding (lol) videos that go over the same symptoms of avoidants because it's just reminding me of what i'm living with + the shame that comes with it. i know that's not your intention but when i see videos showing healthy attachment, it propels me way closer to secure attachment because now i know how it looks when expressed. + the variety is nice!!
For me this is the most useful of all videos. Paulien, could you also make a video about things that your husband would do differently with his knowledge of today? This could prevent us from many traps. 😊
I am absolutely loving your content Paulien. I do think as the partner/former partner of an FA that is important to highlight that no one can respond perfectly everytime. From listening to your content is seems that your husband, Arjen, is a near perfect human being and clearly a blessing to you! But I think the FAs might think that there is no room for people to be imperfect dealing with an FA which is obviously a significant challenge as well - no matter how secure they are. Thank you again!
Straight facts about secure people being more flexible. My ex is an FA and was very inflexible and uncompromising even if my compromises were more beneficial to them but still a win-win solution nonetheless. Secure people are definitely more patient and accommodating without building resentment as easily but I think behaviors that an FA displays which usually makes the secure person anxious, frustrated, or jealous “triggers” even the most secure people. A lot of times an FA is so narrow sighted to think a breakup is the only solution to conflict or their intense feelings which aggravates a secure person because it’s so irrational and impulsive. Unaware FAs will literally make the most secure person turn anxious because their behaviors are so confusing and unintentionally hurtful.
I feel that a FA can re-activate any sligh anxious part of a "falsely-secure" attached. Therapists say that couple are bonding because of similar wounds, displayed a t a different degree of intensity. The healing is mutual, I feel. They both are going through cycles of "resiurrection" :)
@@sunbeam9222 I think (I may be wrong) that both partners (FA and their partners) have a healing mission. The not FA has fragments of the same wounds, within. Tjose are re-activated by the FA and its behavior. Treating the reactions to FA behaviors has a healing effect, I think. Did I make myself a bit more clear? What do you think about FA and not FA relationships?
@@fatatabata I was in relationship with an FA. I think and test say I'm primarily secure. We parted after 6 months and I am fine with it but I think indeed that the relationship came to trigger some remaining wounds and heal them on a deeper level for me. And I really hope this experience helped my FA heal even further also.
@@fatatabata I think you make a kind of perfectionism. You describe the secure attached like they are perfect. Even they are secure they can be tired of FA behaivors. I don't know who is Paulen's husband but I think there is no a second him. Maybe there is no one.
Hellooo Paulien! First off, I wanna say thank you because i feel like i have gained a lot of awareness lately all thanks to your videos. I wanted to ask a question because i can't seem to find an answer to it on my own: How can we deal with feeling like a burden to a secure attached partner? I just blew my chances up with someone I deeply cared about because I felt like I needed to heal on my own first and then go date someone. Because I thought that if I were to accept this person's offer to be my partner, then I would burden them and upset them and possibly harm their attachment style. And to be honest, I actually found out that I feel ashamed that I'm possibly a person who has an insecure attachment style, through deep reflecting. So I could not tell him about all this because like I said, I'm truly embarressed. Part of me regrets this decision because now we are both upset and because I didn't 100% told him what exactly I was struggling with so he is left with a lot of questions regarding the fact that we were really into each other and everything was going well and suddenly I told him that I liked him back but that we needed to stay as friends because I had stuff I had to deal with on my own. He said that he wanted to try to help me or if those things were really stuff that can't be helped, he at least wanted to be my side and support me emotionally. If you already have a video regarding this question, I'm really sorry to bother. Have a verrrrryyyy good day ahead! 💜
If I were to share something I am ashamed of with somebody and that person would reply "Everybody has that" I think I would go nuts. Like, "What are you even saying? I am special!!" 😂 Now I'm laughing about it, but I remember being very offended like they weren't paying me enough attention or they couldn't understand me at all
Hi Paulien, thank you so much for sharing these insights into how the securely attached person reacts. I must say, I have often wondered - to the point were the securely attached person almost became this mystery to me, this phantasm that I thought I would probably never encounter, let alone be one myself - I have often wondered how such a person would react. It feels so good to hear you describe these reactions. Thank you. I am also wondering - if perhaps you would not mind telling me/us - how would the securely attached person react, if a boss would make a big deal out of a mistake he/she made, and talk to him/her as if he/she was child who needed to be reprimanded? Would the securely attached person become angry at the boss in this situation? Thank you.
Everybody is different, but a securely attached person could say: I understand I made a mistake, and I see how this is upsetting to you (and maybe mention other consequences). I am willing to work with you to do everything I can to fix this, but I don't want you to talk to me this way. I was doing my best, and people make mistakes. I'm willing to learn. A boss never has a good reason to become really angry. Even if there is malicious intent, anger is not needed. There will be consequences ofcourse, but anger is not needed. It's the power dynamic that makes it scary that a boss could get angry. But you deserve a healthy work environment, with a boss that is respectful!
Hi again Paulien, thank you so much for your answer. It is really very kind of you and it is very enlightening for me. Would you mind if I ask you one more question? It is something that I have often wondered about. I have a distant relative who has unfortunately suffered even more trauma in her childhood than I have, and this is reflected in her behaviour. Often she has viewpoints and behavior which brings about feelings in me of "wanting to distance myself from her", I really feel she has quite odd and bizarre opinions. I feel like wanting to discuss the topics with her and put my own opinion out in the open. Actually I find her opinions and behavior so weird that it sort of repulses me (for instance she won't acknowledge that mental health issues almost exclusively stem from childhood trauma - that is one thing, and apart from that she believes in supernatural things, and I simply don't know what to say to it. And she also is very self-absorbed and not interested in my life), and I am often wondering if the response inside if me telling me to distance myself from her is healthy, because it is not good for me to be together with her? I am wondering how a securely attached person would react in this situation? I am sorry for asking more questions. But if you answer, then thank you very much. Kind regards from Anne
Just my two cents from what you describe, she could sense your judgement of her opinions, assuming you aren’t interested in her so she doesn’t take the time to ask questions about you. Personally, I’ve been surprised by viewing others’ behaviors from the perspective of how I show up & how much it explains. As a side note, I enjoy supernatural things & I don’t agree that mental health issues are almost exclusively childhood trauma…could be from nutritional deficiencies, hormone imbalance, adult trauma, or a host of other genetic or lifestyle reasons. No need to agree on everything to be friends with someone.
Hey paulien. Thanks for the video again I've been watching your videos for a while (especially the one about how to date an FA) so I can better understand this girl that I have feelings for. She says she also feels the same but she doesn't want to escalate too quickly because shes scared of hurting me as FA's usually are. I know I can't and shouldn't try to heal her though I still feel sad when she becomes distant and resists all intimacy from me even though I know why she does it. I'm just wondering whether becoming secure is the only thing I can do. It would be great if anyone has any advice for me
Thank you so much for the video, Sometimes whenever I try to relax, certain flaws of my partner comes to my head, and I kind off find me saying that I m superior to him in these aspects, and I find myself looking down upon him and these thoughts are disturbing to me, I can't understand is it my attachment style or is it just me? These thoughts constantly circle the moment I feel equal to my partner or try to give in to the relationship.
Definitely sounds like the attachment style! These can be intrusive thoughts (that you have absolutely no control over) that come from your fearbrain, trying to protect you. The fact that they come at times when you try to relax is a key indicator that they come from trauma. Your fearbrain is scared to relax, to feel equal or to give in to the relationship, and therefore it resorts to such thoughts!
Hearing "thank you for sharing" with a loving face when I'm expecting a negative or scary reaction.. that's amazing❤
Exactly! I was never really around secure people much until my 30s at the job I’m still at now & they continue to amaze me. I’m always expecting anger but it seems like things just roll off of them. Being secure sounds amazing.
Yeees, this video was soo valuable and I would love more content on securely attached!
My securely attached partner says beautiful things all the time and can really take away worries and feelings of shame.
For example on our way back from a friends party, I am too tired to walk home but the home is just one metro station away and I thought ooh thats not worth buying a ticket. And I told my boyfriend my thoughtprocess starting with: „The problem is…“ And he says so gentle and lovingly back: „There is no problem.“ :)
Or I felt like I would really like to see him and came to his place. We both were really tired and fell asleep early. I also had to leave early in the morning and in the morning I felt bad. I felt like maybe I am using him „just“ for having comfortable time. I told him that I didn’t mean to just come for sleeping.
And he answered: „You can just sleep here as much as you want.“
In general he makes me feel VERY welcome and VERY worthy of everything.
Interestingly when I feel bad sometimes he reacts automatically with trying to smile at me but shortly after he mirrors me and really holds me with my feeling. And also makes me feel very loved in the state I‘m in.
Let’s me talk and doesn’t interrupt me.
He said once first: „Oh don’t cry“ and immediately after he added „I mean you can cry if you want.“ 😃
He is reaaally a blessing. Also good in saying sorry!
I love this :)
could we please get more videos like these that show what healthy, secure attachment looks like?? i find myself avoiding (lol) videos that go over the same symptoms of avoidants because it's just reminding me of what i'm living with + the shame that comes with it. i know that's not your intention but when i see videos showing healthy attachment, it propels me way closer to secure attachment because now i know how it looks when expressed. + the variety is nice!!
There are more in the making! Totally understand what you say.
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 thank you!!
For me this is the most useful of all videos.
Paulien, could you also make a video about things that your husband would do differently with his knowledge of today? This could prevent us from many traps. 😊
Your channel is really great and unique in that field
I am absolutely loving your content Paulien. I do think as the partner/former partner of an FA that is important to highlight that no one can respond perfectly everytime. From listening to your content is seems that your husband, Arjen, is a near perfect human being and clearly a blessing to you! But I think the FAs might think that there is no room for people to be imperfect dealing with an FA which is obviously a significant challenge as well - no matter how secure they are. Thank you again!
Thank you for being here❤
Straight facts about secure people being more flexible. My ex is an FA and was very inflexible and uncompromising even if my compromises were more beneficial to them but still a win-win solution nonetheless.
Secure people are definitely more patient and accommodating without building resentment as easily but I think behaviors that an FA displays which usually makes the secure person anxious, frustrated, or jealous “triggers” even the most secure people.
A lot of times an FA is so narrow sighted to think a breakup is the only solution to conflict or their intense feelings which aggravates a secure person because it’s so irrational and impulsive. Unaware FAs will literally make the most secure person turn anxious because their behaviors are so confusing and unintentionally hurtful.
I feel that a FA can re-activate any sligh anxious part of a "falsely-secure" attached. Therapists say that couple are bonding because of similar wounds, displayed a t a different degree of intensity. The healing is mutual, I feel. They both are going through cycles of "resiurrection" :)
@@fatatabata I agree.
What do you mean by " the healing is mutual please?
@@sunbeam9222 I think (I may be wrong) that both partners (FA and their partners) have a healing mission. The not FA has fragments of the same wounds, within. Tjose are re-activated by the FA and its behavior. Treating the reactions to FA behaviors has a healing effect, I think. Did I make myself a bit more clear? What do you think about FA and not FA relationships?
@@fatatabata I was in relationship with an FA. I think and test say I'm primarily secure. We parted after 6 months and I am fine with it but I think indeed that the relationship came to trigger some remaining wounds and heal them on a deeper level for me. And I really hope this experience helped my FA heal even further also.
@@fatatabata I think you make a kind of perfectionism. You describe the secure attached like they are perfect. Even they are secure they can be tired of FA behaivors. I don't know who is Paulen's husband but I think there is no a second him. Maybe there is no one.
Thank you, Paulien! it is really healing only listening what healthy relationships look like.
More videos about secure people please
You are the best.
Hellooo Paulien! First off, I wanna say thank you because i feel like i have gained a lot of awareness lately all thanks to your videos. I wanted to ask a question because i can't seem to find an answer to it on my own: How can we deal with feeling like a burden to a secure attached partner? I just blew my chances up with someone I deeply cared about because I felt like I needed to heal on my own first and then go date someone. Because I thought that if I were to accept this person's offer to be my partner, then I would burden them and upset them and possibly harm their attachment style. And to be honest, I actually found out that I feel ashamed that I'm possibly a person who has an insecure attachment style, through deep reflecting. So I could not tell him about all this because like I said, I'm truly embarressed. Part of me regrets this decision because now we are both upset and because I didn't 100% told him what exactly I was struggling with so he is left with a lot of questions regarding the fact that we were really into each other and everything was going well and suddenly I told him that I liked him back but that we needed to stay as friends because I had stuff I had to deal with on my own. He said that he wanted to try to help me or if those things were really stuff that can't be helped, he at least wanted to be my side and support me emotionally.
If you already have a video regarding this question, I'm really sorry to bother. Have a verrrrryyyy good day ahead! 💜
Just made a video on this, will upload today!
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Watching it right now, thank you so much!! 🙂💜💜
Thank you
If I were to share something I am ashamed of with somebody and that person would reply "Everybody has that" I think I would go nuts. Like, "What are you even saying? I am special!!" 😂 Now I'm laughing about it, but I remember being very offended like they weren't paying me enough attention or they couldn't understand me at all
Hi Paulien, thank you so much for sharing these insights into how the securely attached person reacts. I must say, I have often wondered - to the point were the securely attached person almost became this mystery to me, this phantasm that I thought I would probably never encounter, let alone be one myself - I have often wondered how such a person would react. It feels so good to hear you describe these reactions. Thank you.
I am also wondering - if perhaps you would not mind telling me/us - how would the securely attached person react, if a boss would make a big deal out of a mistake he/she made, and talk to him/her as if he/she was child who needed to be reprimanded? Would the securely attached person become angry at the boss in this situation?
Thank you.
Everybody is different, but a securely attached person could say: I understand I made a mistake, and I see how this is upsetting to you (and maybe mention other consequences). I am willing to work with you to do everything I can to fix this, but I don't want you to talk to me this way. I was doing my best, and people make mistakes. I'm willing to learn.
A boss never has a good reason to become really angry. Even if there is malicious intent, anger is not needed. There will be consequences ofcourse, but anger is not needed. It's the power dynamic that makes it scary that a boss could get angry. But you deserve a healthy work environment, with a boss that is respectful!
Hi again Paulien, thank you so much for your answer. It is really very kind of you and it is very enlightening for me.
Would you mind if I ask you one more question? It is something that I have often wondered about. I have a distant relative who has unfortunately suffered even more trauma in her childhood than I have, and this is reflected in her behaviour. Often she has viewpoints and behavior which brings about feelings in me of "wanting to distance myself from her", I really feel she has quite odd and bizarre opinions. I feel like wanting to discuss the topics with her and put my own opinion out in the open. Actually I find her opinions and behavior so weird that it sort of repulses me (for instance she won't acknowledge that mental health issues almost exclusively stem from childhood trauma - that is one thing, and apart from that she believes in supernatural things, and I simply don't know what to say to it. And she also is very self-absorbed and not interested in my life), and I am often wondering if the response inside if me telling me to distance myself from her is healthy, because it is not good for me to be together with her? I am wondering how a securely attached person would react in this situation?
I am sorry for asking more questions. But if you answer, then thank you very much.
Kind regards from Anne
Just my two cents from what you describe, she could sense your judgement of her opinions, assuming you aren’t interested in her so she doesn’t take the time to ask questions about you. Personally, I’ve been surprised by viewing others’ behaviors from the perspective of how I show up & how much it explains. As a side note, I enjoy supernatural things & I don’t agree that mental health issues are almost exclusively childhood trauma…could be from nutritional deficiencies, hormone imbalance, adult trauma, or a host of other genetic or lifestyle reasons. No need to agree on everything to be friends with someone.
Thanks a lot Paulien! Could you make a video on how to get an FA ex back after the breakup? I am getting insights on what wrong I did...
Hey paulien. Thanks for the video again
I've been watching your videos for a while (especially the one about how to date an FA) so I can better understand this girl that I have feelings for. She says she also feels the same but she doesn't want to escalate too quickly because shes scared of hurting me as FA's usually are. I know I can't and shouldn't try to heal her though I still feel sad when she becomes distant and resists all intimacy from me even though I know why she does it. I'm just wondering whether becoming secure is the only thing I can do. It would be great if anyone has any advice for me
What happened after 1 year past?
Thank you so much for the video, Sometimes whenever I try to relax, certain flaws of my partner comes to my head, and I kind off find me saying that I m superior to him in these aspects, and I find myself looking down upon him and these thoughts are disturbing to me, I can't understand is it my attachment style or is it just me? These thoughts constantly circle the moment I feel equal to my partner or try to give in to the relationship.
Definitely sounds like the attachment style! These can be intrusive thoughts (that you have absolutely no control over) that come from your fearbrain, trying to protect you. The fact that they come at times when you try to relax is a key indicator that they come from trauma. Your fearbrain is scared to relax, to feel equal or to give in to the relationship, and therefore it resorts to such thoughts!
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 thank you so much