Thank you so much for this 💖 This is definitely an anxiety I have--and it often leads to me not even doing anything; or else, feeling an immense pressure and anxiety about things I *want* to be able to enjoy. I love your videos, I hope you get well soon! 🙏 (Signed, a Fearful Avoidant)
Thanks for your share! When I first started seeing these videos, I was a frightened, scared avoidant of a healthy relationship. I wanted to push away the good relationship I had and your videos have helped me a long way, along with other resources. I’m far from perfect but I’ve grown since. But I kept coming back to these videos because when you want change, you become proactive. And consistent even when it’s hard. Watching this video was affirmation for me to take it easy as well. I’m not perfect. Far from it. I still feel my FA tendencies there but this time, I choose to say “that’s ok” and keep it moving. Growth happens slowly. And putting yourself first is key, especially if you have a healthy partner. Thanks for this video and for helping me along the way!
I’m also scared of failing myself. A lot of times I think that if I stop doing something I’ll never do it again and I’ll be lazy. Someone must of made me feel like that long ago.
What's helped me more than anything and more than I can explain is leaving instagram. I think I was often comparing my partner, and the app would have me constantly reminded or surround former crushes or attractive people I know showing off their best selves. It's been helpful for me in a way nothing else has, I think in times to come we will really reflect on social media and be confused as to the grip it has had on our lives. Was interesting seeing on another video Paulienn had ME/CFS. Having also had problems with a similar condition, it highlights an over active mental and nervous system can be a contributing factor, and removing social media and slowing down can really help. Would love to hear more about the CFS recovery and maybe a video on social media? Thanks Paulienn for your videos!
What an amazing video!!! Thank you for your kindness,and vulnerability. You have helped soooo much! I thank God I found your chanel. I hope you feel better soon dear.
Consistency is the building block of being trustworthy though. One can’t continuously be inconsistent and be trustworthy. And fearful avoidants of all people expect and want consistency to build trust/safety, yet if they don’t offer that back, it’s quite a self centered and imbalanced stance on relating and what it takes to have healthy relationships.
I understand your point. It can be hard to give someine consistency and not receive it back. And.. You have no idea how badly they want to be consistent. The reason usually why they aren't is because they put SO much pressure on themselves to be. It has to be perfect, it has to be always, never failing. Healthy relationships are built on healthy beliefs, and in this video I am trying to make this belief healthier :)
Thank you for the video! I alreay commented that but..I have one question about a specific fear.. I have a fixation on the quality of conversation. We have fun together and we go deep in exchange but when we are appart, I question if we really have that good of a connection.. and I also panic for the next time... will it be good, will I have something to say, and so on… would you say it is linked to FA attachement as well ?
Me too. I have the same problem and I also judge other people’s conversation skills. Idk I always feel like I’m not focus on the present. I’m always making sure to not take up too much room talking about myself and then I always feed questions in for others. I have a high standard for myself when talking to others. I really do enjoy conversations and I want people to feel heard but I also realize it’s coming from a place of fear. I don’t want people to feel unheard and I get mad at people who don’t do the same for me. Idk if this is a good thing or a little toxic
Haha love Forrest Gump. Such an interesting story, in so many ways. It's true you never know what you're gonna get, but you CAN work on knowing that you can handle whatever comes your way :) That's where your power lies.
Sorry Paulien, but SOME of your sentences do NOT seem healthy/balanced/healed. In this world of matter, space, and time, presence holds the same value as separation. However, human relationships ARE based on presence, on building bonds not only in spirit or heart. You say that a friendship is fine even if you meet once every 10 years. I say that a friendship MUST be nurtured through relational connection and physical presence! Here, you are entering avoidant defense mode, where absence is better than presence, and this is very destructive. Certainly, if a person is in a phase of crisis (crash state), they will NOT be able to be present for ANYONE except themselves, and that is perfectly okay. But this is not normality, nor is it healing/balance. Be careful.
I understand your point. I do however, think there are different kinds of friendships, and what I was trying to say is that you don't have to meet expectations of an image of what a friendship in general should be (like texting all the time, or checking in, which I thought was absolutely mandatory). Just as in a relationship, with a friendship it comes down to finding what works for both of you, and you can connect on so many different levels. And I think many Fearful Avoidants try to keep up with expectations they think the other person has, and are so afraid to fail. So the healthy thing would not be to try harder and meet the expectations they think or assume the other person has, but to create a friendship that works for both parties, based on trust, understanding and meeting the needs both have.
Sure, I agree with this - more nuanced and balanced - vision. The problem with FA is that they seldom PRIORITIZE meaningful relationships/friendships as they are LOST in trying to fulfill expectations of everyone else (often the more abusive persons) but themselves and the good people around them. People pleasing is a REAL danger (a well known coping mechanism) for both the FAs and their most meaningful significant ones.
I explain later in the video that while avoiding consistency might be a phase, when you've healed you can be and want to be consistent in a more natural way. So I'm not normalizing a defense mechanism as a healthy and final state. There are, however, phases to the healing journey. And as much as we all (fearful avoidants included) want to do it all perfectly all the time, I think it is also healthy to acknowledge that the healing journey is not going to be perfect, and that's ok.
Sure. Thanks for stressing this in these comments. What you have just written is sooooo noooooo important to stress, I understand that it's not easy to make such videos, the topic is very sensitive.
Thank you so much for this 💖 This is definitely an anxiety I have--and it often leads to me not even doing anything; or else, feeling an immense pressure and anxiety about things I *want* to be able to enjoy. I love your videos, I hope you get well soon! 🙏 (Signed, a Fearful Avoidant)
Thanks for your share! When I first started seeing these videos, I was a frightened, scared avoidant of a healthy relationship. I wanted to push away the good relationship I had and your videos have helped me a long way, along with other resources. I’m far from perfect but I’ve grown since. But I kept coming back to these videos because when you want change, you become proactive. And consistent even when it’s hard. Watching this video was affirmation for me to take it easy as well. I’m not perfect. Far from it. I still feel my FA tendencies there but this time, I choose to say “that’s ok” and keep it moving. Growth happens slowly. And putting yourself first is key, especially if you have a healthy partner. Thanks for this video and for helping me along the way!
This is beautiful. I feel the exact same
This is beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so happy you are here!
I’m also scared of failing myself. A lot of times I think that if I stop doing something I’ll never do it again and I’ll be lazy. Someone must of made me feel like that long ago.
Same exact here
Oh yes, also veryyy common for the fearful avoidant! Want me to make a video on that?
@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 yes!! If I even miss 1 day of my workout schedule its like my life is falling apart
@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Yes please! Thank you so much 😭
What's helped me more than anything and more than I can explain is leaving instagram. I think I was often comparing my partner, and the app would have me constantly reminded or surround former crushes or attractive people I know showing off their best selves. It's been helpful for me in a way nothing else has, I think in times to come we will really reflect on social media and be confused as to the grip it has had on our lives.
Was interesting seeing on another video Paulienn had ME/CFS. Having also had problems with a similar condition, it highlights an over active mental and nervous system can be a contributing factor, and removing social media and slowing down can really help. Would love to hear more about the CFS recovery and maybe a video on social media? Thanks Paulienn for your videos!
Such a good realisation, the effects of social media. So happy that worked for you! And thanks for the video requests, I'll write them down!!
I am so happy for these videos ❤️ you should make a podcast
Any more rocd videos ?
What an amazing video!!! Thank you for your kindness,and vulnerability. You have helped soooo much! I thank God I found your chanel. I hope you feel better soon dear.
I'm so happy you are here, and thank you for taking the time to write this.
Such a beautiful new background! Good job on that! ❤️☺️
Thank you so much! I'm really happy with how it turned out, so thank you for mentioning! :)
This is the message I needed to hear today. Feels incredibly serendipitous ❤
So happy to hear, and thank you for being here!
Consistency is the building block of being trustworthy though. One can’t continuously be inconsistent and be trustworthy.
And fearful avoidants of all people expect and want consistency to build trust/safety, yet if they don’t offer that back, it’s quite a self centered and imbalanced stance on relating and what it takes to have healthy relationships.
I understand your point. It can be hard to give someine consistency and not receive it back. And.. You have no idea how badly they want to be consistent. The reason usually why they aren't is because they put SO much pressure on themselves to be. It has to be perfect, it has to be always, never failing. Healthy relationships are built on healthy beliefs, and in this video I am trying to make this belief healthier :)
Thanks for this!
We are all inconsistent by nature. It's up to us not to let it affect our personal and professional lives.
I am also ill today. Thank you for explaining the dynamic concerning consistency.
Hope you feel better soon!
Thank you for the video! I alreay commented that but..I have one question about a specific fear.. I have a fixation on the quality of conversation. We have fun together and we go deep in exchange but when we are appart, I question if we really have that good of a connection.. and I also panic for the next time... will it be good, will I have something to say, and so on… would you say it is linked to FA attachement as well ?
Me too. I have the same problem and I also judge other people’s conversation skills. Idk I always feel like I’m not focus on the present. I’m always making sure to not take up too much room talking about myself and then I always feed questions in for others. I have a high standard for myself when talking to others. I really do enjoy conversations and I want people to feel heard but I also realize it’s coming from a place of fear. I don’t want people to feel unheard and I get mad at people who don’t do the same for me. Idk if this is a good thing or a little toxic
@minervaowl8298 so relate to this!
I'll make a video on this! 'Why you judge conversations as a Fearful Avoidant'? Or should it be another title? Such an interesting topic also!
Momma always said, life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get.
Haha love Forrest Gump. Such an interesting story, in so many ways.
It's true you never know what you're gonna get, but you CAN work on knowing that you can handle whatever comes your way :) That's where your power lies.
Sorry Paulien, but SOME of your sentences do NOT seem healthy/balanced/healed. In this world of matter, space, and time, presence holds the same value as separation. However, human relationships ARE based on presence, on building bonds not only in spirit or heart. You say that a friendship is fine even if you meet once every 10 years. I say that a friendship MUST be nurtured through relational connection and physical presence!
Here, you are entering avoidant defense mode, where absence is better than presence, and this is very destructive. Certainly, if a person is in a phase of crisis (crash state), they will NOT be able to be present for ANYONE except themselves, and that is perfectly okay. But this is not normality, nor is it healing/balance. Be careful.
I understand your point. I do however, think there are different kinds of friendships, and what I was trying to say is that you don't have to meet expectations of an image of what a friendship in general should be (like texting all the time, or checking in, which I thought was absolutely mandatory). Just as in a relationship, with a friendship it comes down to finding what works for both of you, and you can connect on so many different levels. And I think many Fearful Avoidants try to keep up with expectations they think the other person has, and are so afraid to fail. So the healthy thing would not be to try harder and meet the expectations they think or assume the other person has, but to create a friendship that works for both parties, based on trust, understanding and meeting the needs both have.
Sure, I agree with this - more nuanced and balanced - vision. The problem with FA is that they seldom PRIORITIZE meaningful relationships/friendships as they are LOST in trying to fulfill expectations of everyone else (often the more abusive persons) but themselves and the good people around them.
People pleasing is a REAL danger (a well known coping mechanism) for both the FAs and their most meaningful significant ones.
So sad ...
Thanks for clarifying your point of view. It's important that FAs don't think people pleasing is ok, or to avoid relationships and connection is ok.
Consistency is scaring IF you have been wounded by an ABUSIVE PRESENCE!
So please do NOT normalize defense mechanism as a healthy and final state.
I explain later in the video that while avoiding consistency might be a phase, when you've healed you can be and want to be consistent in a more natural way. So I'm not normalizing a defense mechanism as a healthy and final state. There are, however, phases to the healing journey. And as much as we all (fearful avoidants included) want to do it all perfectly all the time, I think it is also healthy to acknowledge that the healing journey is not going to be perfect, and that's ok.
Sure. Thanks for stressing this in these comments. What you have just written is sooooo noooooo important to stress, I understand that it's not easy to make such videos, the topic is very sensitive.