That's so true. Affirmations had no impact on me really at the beginning of healing process. Now, they work so well. I just have to feel stressed and repeat the mantra " I am safe, all is well" to appease almost instantly even an high stress reaction. But I had to come to many other realisations first for that to work.
One thing that's helped me so much is parts work (similar to IFS (Internal Family Systems Therapy)). Probably the most important thing I got out of therapy was the therapeutic relationship, letting someone getting close to me for the first time in decades, and it didn't overwhelm her. If you can't afford therapy, this channel is one of the good ones! You're glad I'm here? Well I'm also glad that you're here!
I totally agree with the affirmation statement. I've done affirmations, but when you don't know what your core wounds are and what your trauma stems from to begin the releasing process/techniques, affirmations will not be effective in reprogramming your mind, thinking, and new beliefs.
This is a much needed video for those who have trauma based in financial grounding. I understand how surviving strategies that are used in life often result in bad choices with regards to financial matters. Lifting out of this through healing in itself produces better choices and increased financial flexibility. Thank you for your contribution and commitment to helping others 😊
Just found you while learning about my FA style. You are literally the first one after many that said something about learning what a secure style looks like. 🤦 Why didn't I think of that already???!!!???
Somatic excercises vhanged my life to release my stored emotional and physical trauma in the body. 🩵✨ when i can afford yout course, i will also take that. ✨
I have seen your videos after I broke up with him cz I felt he is boring after I was feeling that he is the one !!. I'm thankful to know finally what is wrong with me but now my brain says ohhh you are just using the FA as an excuse loool 💔🤦
Building an identity outside of the trauma is really important! Also, you could ask yourself: what am I gaining from holding onto this identity? What am I afraid I won't be able to do anymore if I don't have this identity, or what am I afraid I will have to do if I don't have this identity anymore?
Very helpful video! I appreciate the thoughts about allowing more connection & good things. Working on just “clearing the bad” is exhausting. I recently started diving deep into my needs & how to meet them better on my own. Refreshing to think about good things I can do for myself & it’s empowering rather than being in victim mode. I have a question related to your point about noticing other’s negative reactions & not blaming ourself for it. I have been able to notice this when others get upset, but I still feel some fear (it’s going down) and now also feel a lot of sadness / pain for the person because I know they are in pain. It’s nice to be empathetic I guess but it’s still enmeshment & exhausting. Any advice?
Maybe their pain you perceive connects with you because it resonates with some of your past pain still stored within your body. Try go look at when you felt such pain yourself? Give yourself compassion for these times. I might be wrong but I think once we have healed most of our wounds, we can still feel empathy ofc but not to the extent of feeling the pain ourselves. It refers to a past pain, the memory of the event is there, but awareness cleared the emotional impact, so it's not reactivated by a body reaction anymore.
Hey Paulien, thank you for making these videos. I was just wondering if you have done anything or you personally experienced any fear of cheating on your partner. Its my biggest fear and I'm so worried that i may do it. I'm highly triggered by other attractive women.
Absolutely, it was one of my biggest fears for years and it is a very common one for those that have ROCD tendencies. It comes down to not being able to trust yourself. Once you heal that, you will know that it doesn't matter whether you meet attractive women. You just trust yourself to not do anything with that, so it isn't a trigger anymore. Haven't had that thought or fear for 10 years now.
Wow so interesting. Sounds obvious but I never saw the correlation between fear of cheating and core wound being not trusting yourself. My FA had this huge fear. Either me doing it or them. I never understood why it was such a focus issue. I m secure. I have zero wish to cheat. They told me they got attracted to someone else while in a previous relationship and it freaks them up so much they broke up with the person they were with. I thought it was a bit extreme, nothing ever happened with the person they were attracted to. Their father cheated on their mum which caused the marriage break up and they are so desperate to not be like that, but then again they fear it all the time.
Hi Pauline, thank you again for a very helpful video. I am so grateful that you make these videos. But I have a question again: You say that we as fearfully attached people are not responsible for the feelings of others. But are we not sometimes responsible? What if I for instance have behaved in an unacceptable way and have hurt someone, and they get angry or sad or disappointed, then I must be responsible for their emotions. And another thing, let's say that one of my friends time and time again cancels an appointment because he/she is feeling unwell, stressed etc., then even though I know that this friend has a weak health, I cannot help feeling disappointed that almost every appointment is cancelled. What can I do about this disappointment? Where does it come from? Is it not caused by my friend, or is it caused by something in side of me? How would a securely attached person handle this? Thank you.
You can be the cause of their feelings, but it is not your responsibility to manage their feelings. Ofcourse, in any loving relationship we want to act as lovingly as we can in any moment. But we are all human, and so we make mistakes. What I said about not being responsible for others feelings usually pertains not to those situations (in which you do want to repair), but in general: you do not have to go about your day or life trying to prevent, fix or manage other peoples feelings and emotions. That is every individuals responsibility. Even when you do hurt someone, it is not your job to fix their feelings. You can, however, hold space for their emotions and truly try to understand how you've hurt them and how you can do better next time.
We're responsible for our behaviour and how we conduct ourselves. And that should be the same line of conduct we offer anyone. It comes from values. Other people's feelings cannot be our responsibility because everyone will have different feeling reactions. If we take responsibility for those we'll need to adapt our behaviour to each individual and therefore cannot be our authentic self.
You're welcome. Just an other thing I wanted to add. You said " what if for instance I have behaved in an unacceptable way and have hurt someone, and they get angry or sad or disappointed, then I must be responsible for their emotions" Well what if you have behaved in an unacceptable way and this person has not shown anger or hurt? Does that mean your behaviour was ok and there is no point to apologize for it since their emotions were not affected? I believe the moment we realise we didn't act well we need to apologise and rectify our behaviour regardless of the person s reaction to it. Now let's say you behaved in a way you find perfectly fine even after introspect yet someone shows hurt? Are you responsible? How are you going to fix it? Because that would involve you acting different next time but you're not prepared to do that since you are in alignment with your behaviour already ;) You can feel sorry they experience this negative emotion but that's not your responsibility.
I would love to see a video with Your husband talking about his experience Going through this healing process with you.
Me too !!
Yes!
+1
Yes please
Right. Cos so far I just imagine a superhero 😂
That's so true. Affirmations had no impact on me really at the beginning of healing process.
Now, they work so well. I just have to feel stressed and repeat the mantra " I am safe, all is well" to appease almost instantly even an high stress reaction.
But I had to come to many other realisations first for that to work.
One thing that's helped me so much is parts work (similar to IFS (Internal Family Systems Therapy)). Probably the most important thing I got out of therapy was the therapeutic relationship, letting someone getting close to me for the first time in decades, and it didn't overwhelm her. If you can't afford therapy, this channel is one of the good ones! You're glad I'm here? Well I'm also glad that you're here!
Thank you so much. Have a fabulous 2023 Pauline
I'm only a few weeks into your programme and already i've noticed my fear brain has backed off from feeding me negative thoughts.
is it only in dutch?
@@lifewAandM Nope it's also in english
@@ritwit80 how did you purchase it is us $?
I totally agree with the affirmation statement. I've done affirmations, but when you don't know what your core wounds are and what your trauma stems from to begin the releasing process/techniques, affirmations will not be effective in reprogramming your mind, thinking, and new beliefs.
Love what you said about the emotional charge and not the belief itself.
1 million thanks. I really mean it.
This is a much needed video for those who have trauma based in financial grounding. I understand how surviving strategies that are used in life often result in bad choices with regards to financial matters. Lifting out of this through healing in itself produces better choices and increased financial flexibility. Thank you for your contribution and commitment to helping others 😊
it's great that installments are available!! Thank you for everything ❤️
So helpful and encouraging, thank you!! Xoxo
Just found you while learning about my FA style. You are literally the first one after many that said something about learning what a secure style looks like. 🤦 Why didn't I think of that already???!!!???
I've been learning for a few months, first time you hit my feed. I like your style. Awesome that you called out PDS and others!
Yep.. Thnxs Paulien. Brad yates is great!
What if I do not know what to say while tapping?
Thanks so much Pauline! 🙏😊🥰
So helpful Pauline! Thank you ♥️🙏
Somatic excercises vhanged my life to release my stored emotional and physical trauma in the body. 🩵✨ when i can afford yout course, i will also take that. ✨
Thank you so much for your videos
thank you for the video!
Thank you!!
Do you have a video on things to avoid when raising children as a FA? Like breaking the cycle?
Haha you found it!
I have seen your videos after I broke up with him cz I felt he is boring after I was feeling that he is the one !!. I'm thankful to know finally what is wrong with me but now my brain says ohhh you are just using the FA as an excuse loool 💔🤦
How can I deal with the fear of my whole identity being erased if I heal this? I know it's not logical or true, but it still consumes me
Building an identity outside of the trauma is really important! Also, you could ask yourself: what am I gaining from holding onto this identity? What am I afraid I won't be able to do anymore if I don't have this identity, or what am I afraid I will have to do if I don't have this identity anymore?
Very helpful video! I appreciate the thoughts about allowing more connection & good things. Working on just “clearing the bad” is exhausting. I recently started diving deep into my needs & how to meet them better on my own. Refreshing to think about good things I can do for myself & it’s empowering rather than being in victim mode.
I have a question related to your point about noticing other’s negative reactions & not blaming ourself for it. I have been able to notice this when others get upset, but I still feel some fear (it’s going down) and now also feel a lot of sadness / pain for the person because I know they are in pain. It’s nice to be empathetic I guess but it’s still enmeshment & exhausting. Any advice?
Maybe their pain you perceive connects with you because it resonates with some of your past pain still stored within your body. Try go look at when you felt such pain yourself? Give yourself compassion for these times.
I might be wrong but I think once we have healed most of our wounds, we can still feel empathy ofc but not to the extent of feeling the pain ourselves. It refers to a past pain, the memory of the event is there, but awareness cleared the emotional impact, so it's not reactivated by a body reaction anymore.
Is your program offered in English? I would love to sign-up, but don't know Dutch :)
Yes it is in English! There's more information here: www.healingthefearfulavoidant.com
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Thank you! I signed up yesterday! You are wonderful!
Ahh welcome Molly! So happy to have you!!
Hey Paulien, thank you for making these videos. I was just wondering if you have done anything or you personally experienced any fear of cheating on your partner. Its my biggest fear and I'm so worried that i may do it. I'm highly triggered by other attractive women.
Absolutely, it was one of my biggest fears for years and it is a very common one for those that have ROCD tendencies. It comes down to not being able to trust yourself. Once you heal that, you will know that it doesn't matter whether you meet attractive women. You just trust yourself to not do anything with that, so it isn't a trigger anymore. Haven't had that thought or fear for 10 years now.
Wow so interesting.
Sounds obvious but I never saw the correlation between fear of cheating and core wound being not trusting yourself. My FA had this huge fear. Either me doing it or them. I never understood why it was such a focus issue. I m secure. I have zero wish to cheat. They told me they got attracted to someone else while in a previous relationship and it freaks them up so much they broke up with the person they were with. I thought it was a bit extreme, nothing ever happened with the person they were attracted to. Their father cheated on their mum which caused the marriage break up and they are so desperate to not be like that, but then again they fear it all the time.
Hi Pauline, thank you again for a very helpful video. I am so grateful that you make these videos. But I have a question again: You say that we as fearfully attached people are not responsible for the feelings of others. But are we not sometimes responsible? What if I for instance have behaved in an unacceptable way and have hurt someone, and they get angry or sad or disappointed, then I must be responsible for their emotions.
And another thing, let's say that one of my friends time and time again cancels an appointment because he/she is feeling unwell, stressed etc., then even though I know that this friend has a weak health, I cannot help feeling disappointed that almost every appointment is cancelled. What can I do about this disappointment? Where does it come from? Is it not caused by my friend, or is it caused by something in side of me? How would a securely attached person handle this?
Thank you.
You can be the cause of their feelings, but it is not your responsibility to manage their feelings. Ofcourse, in any loving relationship we want to act as lovingly as we can in any moment. But we are all human, and so we make mistakes. What I said about not being responsible for others feelings usually pertains not to those situations (in which you do want to repair), but in general: you do not have to go about your day or life trying to prevent, fix or manage other peoples feelings and emotions. That is every individuals responsibility. Even when you do hurt someone, it is not your job to fix their feelings. You can, however, hold space for their emotions and truly try to understand how you've hurt them and how you can do better next time.
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Thank you very much for your answer.
We're responsible for our behaviour and how we conduct ourselves. And that should be the same line of conduct we offer anyone. It comes from values.
Other people's feelings cannot be our responsibility because everyone will have different feeling reactions. If we take responsibility for those we'll need to adapt our behaviour to each individual and therefore cannot be our authentic self.
@@sunbeam9222 Thank you.
You're welcome. Just an other thing I wanted to add. You said " what if for instance I have behaved in an unacceptable way and have hurt someone, and they get angry or sad or disappointed, then I must be responsible for their emotions"
Well what if you have behaved in an unacceptable way and this person has not shown anger or hurt? Does that mean your behaviour was ok and there is no point to apologize for it since their emotions were not affected? I believe the moment we realise we didn't act well we need to apologise and rectify our behaviour regardless of the person s reaction to it.
Now let's say you behaved in a way you find perfectly fine even after introspect yet someone shows hurt? Are you responsible? How are you going to fix it? Because that would involve you acting different next time but you're not prepared to do that since you are in alignment with your behaviour already ;) You can feel sorry they experience this negative emotion but that's not your responsibility.
Thank you!!