Narcissist pushes your buttons so much to the point where you finally become the reactive narcissist, you, the level headed, an otherwise grounded and empathetic individual who suddenly starts operating (if only temporarily) the way narcissists do It's not your fault It's a trauma response and it's only temporary even if they're trying to make you look like the crazy one
That's exactly what happened to me with my ex fiance. Since I've gone grey rock I've noticed myself reverting back to my old self. I am totally different. It's crazy.
@@Rakibrown111If you are talking about netizens, a lot of people on the internet are narcissists in layman's terms, playing victim is their M.O. But here we are talking about NPD, which is the worst one to deal with, and is devastating to the victims. If you are not a narcissists or a victim, then you are really a loser if trolling distressed people is what you do with your life.
I too continue seeking to understand. Married for 38 years, divorced for 3, I continue performing the postpartum. Sam nails it when he explains the chance meeting of two hungers. Excellent exchange. Thanks to all.
Took a long time after going no contact with my mother to get over the worst of it. Not so hard with my husband comparatively, but I think I'd really taken his measure long ago, to be fair. ❤
Narcissists cannot change. You must change. When you understand that narcissists cannot be appeased, and that you are just being cruelly used; and that you are interchangeable; and are being emotionally, psychologically, and physically harmed; you can choose let go. Narcissists prey on nice, caring, empathetic people who they drain and leave. Narcissists can harm your health. Refuse to feed them or let them hurt you. You must get and remain very tough with narcissists to avoid being destroyed. Some narcissists don't leave; and ignoring them does not work. Learn to refuse to take their bait; refuse to hurt yourself; and stay strong to diminish their power and dominance over you. Save your kindness and love for someone who will not use it against you or to destroy you. Narcissists hate you for loving them. Narcissists hate you for helping them. Narcissists love to intimidate and threaten and demand submission. Refuse and Resist their toxic ploys and games even if they threaten to kill themselves. Narcissists will punish you for helping them. You can never believe or trust a narcissist.
Thank you I finally and truly understand why my NARK acted the way he did. I discarded him after 3 years. I saw thru his Fairy tale existence and child like abuse and in the last day I ended communicated with him, I said ... Your not worth the ground you stand on, get out, and don’t come near me again, and if you do, you will be GOD damn sorry! He stared at me and he didn’t say a word, so I said again, Get Out, all was said in a calm and decisive voice. Remember, my dad was a sniper in WW11, if I tell him what you have done, he will be here with his army rifle with the scope, within 48 hours, you won’t see it coming, but he will shoot you twice in the legs and last shot thru the heart, so you will know what’s coming. He married within 4 months to another and called me hovered me 6 months after marriage. I hung up on him within 5 minutes, asked him nothing, and gave him yes no answers, said goodbye. He called me fur the next 50 years on my birthday , Easter, Christmas and New Years. He says my name, and I said, Wrong Number each abs every time and hung up the telephone. He died 10 years ago at age 65 with bad case kidney desires and diabetes. The phone calls stopped finally. A sad Hunan bring. I in turn had a wonderful marriage and children and grandchildren. God helped me survive this person. Thank you God.
When I met my narcissist he was charming and very normal. When he began to reveal himself to me I couldn't understand how he could behave in the opposite way to what I experienced in the early days of our dating period. I left him and he drew me back by showing me the man I met and fell in love with. I was with him for over 30 years when I walked away. While I tried to bring reality and logic into every argument and violent episode he ignored his behaviour as there was nothing wrong with it. For a long time, I felt immobilised as though my feet were in cement and couldn't move. But listening to this video I can see how I was vulnerable and could attract my narcissist. Now that I have left I am still struggling with the pain of the experience. But I am feeling happiness and joy for the first time in a very long time.
@gordanaginamihajl: Wow, that's a trip of an address you got there fir me to remember) my brain has been fried by the passive-aggressive covert narcissist. Lucky me.) I just want to say that I so much understand everything you have said. What a life going through this crap we have had huh? Hang in there. I'm just touching base to say I do hear you and I know what you are talking about, big time. There are others like you and me going through the same things, but they won't reach out. We, you and I will both get better. 👍
Thank you for sharing your story. My ex had been my therapist for 2 years before he told me he loved me, love bombed me, and made me think my sad struggles to be loved had finally ended. He swore he would never do the things to me I had experienced in the past, and would honor any ending as a slow process if it ever became necessary to ever end things. He lied, cheated, gaslit, islated, and humiliated me for 20 years, and I could never leave. I was caught in quick sand and did not even respect myself at that point. This lecture helped me understand why, and I hope will help me stop blaming myself for never being able to understand or "get it right" no matter what I did. I grieve those 20 years now, realizingf how much of myself I let die so he could exist. I have a long road of recovery ahead of me and sometimes the pain I feel after being recently abandoned and replaced quickly is so unbearable I can hardly tolerate existing. With all that is left of mty heart, I wish us both (and the rest of us out there!) a successful journey to peace.
I got hoovered from a male romantic partner narcissist after 32 years of no contact. I ran into him briefly once. He remembered my phone number which I still have after that long. He has just bought a house and asked me to move in with him. I was polite, and told him that I had moved to another state which is true. Never underestimate a Hoover. 32 years y’all!
Wow! This happened to me too. 25 years later. I had Nightmare over it. I thought he was over me. I blocked him again. I actually didn’t know he was Narcissist till June 2023! It all made sense. All the Narcissist that I had in life over years. They were attracted to me. Or they were family members.
I believe in order to truly understand this you must experience the relationship first hand. When I first listened to Sam, it was like understanding a foreign language without having to study it. Having lived it over 30 decades.
This makes total sense. I pulled the plug but always felt he was pushing me to do it and waiting for the opportunity for me to do it so he could walk away guilt free
@@paulinedolan5989 because he's allergic to accountability, he can't endure a reality where he's not the victim. So if I divorce him then he can claim that Im a bad woman because I left him but he always did right by me yada yada
My hunger for love and acceptance and my husbands hunger for existence 😭 watched till the end.. made me cry all these insights in the middle of divorce
I have been trying to save my son for a long time. My son had a healthy mind in the beginning as time went on he lost his ability to see through his dad. I got a divorce from his dad when he was 10 I had to move far away because his dad was violence toward me.
this man is BY FAR the most genius at explaining narcissism. I have never come across such insight. it's almost eerie how well he gets it, he can understand and explain this topic at super human level. THIS MAN GETS IT.
I understand he identified himself as having been a narcissist, we are so fortune to learn of the inner workings from someone who's been there, done that 💎
This explains the people with NPD in my family. It makes so much sense to me now. I wondered why are they so different from the other family members. They related different to the mother. My mother used them differently (assigned them a specific role to take care of her) than she did us.
He saved my life as I finally understood what my ex husband had been doing to me for decades . That I wasn’t crazy ..with the education he gave me though shocked it all finally made sense . Though I have not recovered or able to get back to who I truly am ., my ex to me is the same as the devil
Very interesting, ty! That narcs wants their partner to be abusive, instead of nice and compliant, was new to me. I was overly nice to my ex covert because of the "love testing", but all it gave was more abuse and fake accusations about horrible things,. Now I can spot narcissists from far away, and that's as close as they come! Looking human on the out side but without a shred of humanity on their inside.
Yes, me too. After we separated he was trying to talk me into something. When I gave him a firm no he said, 'If you were this tough when we were married we might have made it'. I will never forget how odd that struck me. It's been 30 years now.
I certainly experienced my narcissistic ex as non-human... It was so confusing. I used to often think to myself "he's not a person" and now you have validated my feelings. It was the most bizarre head fuck I have ever known. He definitely drained my soul and I had no other choice but to leave him... I'm at peace now 🙏
It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. The ‘victim’ does exactly what the narcissist expects them to do. Leave them as their parent or care giver did or they leave you. But they never leave you. The door is always open for them to come back to you as they can’t let go. The ‘victim’ always has to do the final discard and close the door on them forever. The narcissist doesn’t detach from the victim. They have attachment issues as does the victim. This may be a simplistic explanation but it’s my experience with the narcissist I got involved with and how I see it. I was definitely the maternal figure in his life. I did what his mother did abandoned him. I feel bad about that but he forced my hand with his manipulation, deceit, lies, borrowing money from me with no intention of paying it back and emotionally abusing me with the love bomb and future faking and intermittent reinforcement (blowing hot and cold, disappearing, confusion, breadcrumbing). Am I also personally responsible for that. yes! Do I take accountability. Yes. Did I have my own inner childhood wound. Yes. Am I trying to heal myself. Yes! However is he accountable for his actions. No. Has he taken personal responsibility. No. Is he self aware. No. Can he heal from his own trauma. No 😞 I do class myself as a survivor. I hear what you say and I’m working on myself.
@@BleachedPink1111I feel for you. I’m still struggling to detach 9 months on but determined to stay away from him and his toxic manipulative behaviour
The scary thing is that by being around narcissists, you can pick up their bad terrible habits. So to catch yourself to stay positive and love everyone in a cheerful light, is wise. It starts with listening to them run down others and leads to you beginning to gossip, breaking the 9th Commandment, "not bear false witness against thy neighbor. "
WOW! This is my story exactly! When I told them the conversations weren’t edifying and that 2 Timothy 2:16-18 But shun profane and vain babblings: for they will increase to more ungodliness Says not to do this very thing, so we should spend less time on the phone they became enraged against me and said I was wicked.
Yes, I totally picked his bad habits, totally behaved like him towards everyone including him, but it didn't go according to his plan Since he tried to explicitly program me to be like him to Everyone but him. It totally backfired towards him sadly. And now I'm just completely broken as a human as a result.
I feel so lucky I am not a narcissist. I don’t even want to know the darkness behind that mask. What a luxury to not have to wear one in order to exist.
Masks can be useful as an object facilitating let go and immunity from the ups and downs of life, it is just that narcissists seem to use them wrong, the opposite way of how they should be used. When you shape your life around the mask instead of the mask shaped around your life, this is when you get problems.
@@heavenshandwriter4796 he is divorce from reality. You are gifted with the honor of being yourself and being happy, grateful, fulfill, not envious. You have a self and I am happy for you that you’re able to see life with this qualities ❤️
@@heavenshandwriter4796 This is my son and husband I don’t play around anymore. I shut my husband down in front of whoever is around. Not taking anymore shit from either
Narcissists have demons and they prey on nice, decent, and caring people who they use for fuel. Narcissists hate you for loving and helping them. Narcissists never change. You must change.
My God, I have been studying narcissism for 20+ years and I have never heard such insight. Absolutely mind blown and simultaneously comforted by hearing this.
He is a narcissist i think all narcs are same every move is in a manuel they robot their way and response by the book on any respond to all things the same for them over and over how ca this be? The devil is. Crafty but he uses the same tactics over and over on humans he hates us and god and its sooooo weird. Narcs are same My narc thinks being a narcissist is a big ego only lol😮 poor guy . I got one of his old phones hr left them full of apps and old te xt and thats how i saw the truth i was blown away but it stuck
It's because Sam is a self admitted Narsassist, so is he an expert and can speak on it authenticly, look up his background. He is a expert in the field and well spoken about it. Lower level Narsasists aren'tas self aware or don't want others to learn about them so they can easier aquire supply....
the funny thing is , I know my boyfriend is narcissist and I know so much about narcissism and still I can't help still reacting, I feel like I became an angry woman but only to him though, not to my kids and to anyone. I have been praying hard, something has to be done with this man, like really I wish I could just catch him cheating on me and I will leave in peace and will celebrate that I'm finally free. I don't know, its stupid life really.
@@bernagenwhite7131why wait for him to cheat on you, you dont know what you are saying, because he is 100% chesting you already, you just havent caught him. if it is not other women it is business or some secret fetish he is doing behind your back.
This was a FASCINATING discussion! Thank you so much for sharing this information with us. I now feel a great sense of compassion for the narcissist because I understand the underlying causes of narcissism. I do not have to accept a narcissist into my life, but I don't have to hate them either. I just need to disconnect and walk away.
Same. He told me to get out and I obeyed. Signed a new lease immediately. Mental clarity, sleep quality, and executive function improved significantly in first month. Oh, the peace of mind!!
This is the best description of Narcassism I have heard. Step for step what played off in my " relationship". I thought i was going crazy experiencing some of the situations eg Love bombing, shared fantasy, descarding when I tried to keep my autonomy. I realise he entered my life when i was vulnerable and " broken" but i stayed despite the fact that I grew uncomfortable. I accept my personal responsibility in this as hard as it is. Even knowing all of this i still want to go back to the Love Bombing phase...and experience it again. Its like a drug. It's extremely difficult to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it. It has been a horror story. I have lived a fantasy. The pain has been real but it is sad to know the love never was. That " we " never were. Thank you for this video it has made me realise i was damned either way ....and I will be damned again if I went back because he wants me to fail him.
This is brilliant. “ a narcissist wants you to reactively abuse you so that he can then sadistically abuse you”…. That’s why in couples therapy , a therapist with no specific training on narcissism has hard time differentiating between who is a narcissist and who is a non narcissistic . Ty for this
Mine dubbed me as suddenly having “bipolar 2 with rapid cycling” at 31. She was so stupid. He was sitting right next to me most of the time in therapy that was supposed to be for ME.
Why can’t a narcissist be told “Listen, you never individuated from your mother, you need therapy to emotionally develop beyond age 2 so you can have real relationships and not live in a fantasy world and be toxic to everyone around you”? I’m so frustrated with the idea that they cannot be helped and taught to behave differently. I want to believe everyone can change for the positive with the right help-especially if it’s explained to them.
Professor Sam Vaknin you helped me to see and change my thinking from a victim to a survivor. The knowledge helped me take a look at the role I played, ignoring Red Flags from the beginning even the Love Bombing I felt was extreme the calls all day, text all day, and wanting me with him all the time I knew this behavior was not normal Thank you for everything you share
I didn't. I was so young it felt like a dream to me. A fairy tale. I didn't see anything wrong until he started cheating (and it was very early on.) Even then, I tried to look at what I must have stopped doing right, tried to "fix" me to make him happy, satisfied again. If only I could go back and talk to that teenage girl I was... but that's now how life and lessons work.
Exactly, I noticed it in the first few months of our relationship too and I used to call it the obsessive compulsive style of loving and knew something was broken and all I felt was pity even though I couldn't have a life of my own outside of him. The fairytale part blinded me, when they are ready to discard they start looking for someone to fixate on before discard you.
This is by far the best interview of Dr. Vaknin’s, and I’ve watched them all (I too watch everything to the end and often re-watch). Both, Ms Azam Ali and Dr. Vaknin were fantastic in this conversation. Thank you Ms Ali for the wonderful way in which you lead this conversation and for all your contributions to the content shared with us via this interview. Thank you both!
His no bs is comforting. We need more of this straightforward insight. People have become extremely sensitive to being upset and want everyone to change so they can feel okay. And look what it has done to society. I find victim mindset really annoying and I myself have been on the receiving end of a lot and I see how I played the part and also that if one keeps victim hood as part of ones identity then you'll keep wanting unconsciously more things to be upset about so it keeps up the identity and also will make bitter and resentful.
Well, sometimes a victim is, indeed, a victim... that does not mean one should stay in a vulnerable position for The rest of his life, but recognize that People did you bad is a first step to empower a victim... and i find really problematic/suspicious when talk of "look what a weak society we have become, everyone is weak and making complains!!" Seems more like a judgmental approach that a bully would like a victim to think, does it? We didn't deal with anything in The past, we simply were too ignorant as society to recognize and discuss prejudice that leads to people being victims on other people hand's for whatever reason
I'm confused about the narcissist also being a psychopath. I have been dealing with a very abusive man who I'm pretty sure has NPD. He goes from a wounded little boy I need to rescue or save, to a con artist who is entitled to the little bit of money I have + anything material I might have like my car, & then to someone who acts like a frightening psychopath who might physically hurt me, possibly kill me. Again, I'm just a little confused about the psychopathic or malignant aspect of NPD. &, Yes, the relationship is over & there's a court ordered No Contact in place. No intention or desire to return to this person.
1:01:00 is the most freeing explanation of all. You really saved many souls today with those words. Thank you!! Absolute gem. 1./ not your fault. 2./ it was never real to begin with. 3./ he did not choose you. it was dictated for decades. dual mothership issue. 4./ ask yourself why did I go there for me? what was my deal despite my pain. my benefit was... repetition compulsions. reform... 5./ victimized is NOT an identity of a victim. make the difference. he projects his own emptiness but you are not hallow and you have an identity. so, your identity is NOT compromised. only a bad experience...
The narc wants to feel he is powerful. It doesn't matter if you are desperate and lonely, etc because he cares about abusing you. It took me very long to understand this because I never find it interesting to abuse others who are hurting or in weaker position than I am. Yet those narcissist are different. That's the main difference I would say. There are those who truly enjoy watching people suffer. So they are total evil.
I’m living with him. We are selling the house I can’t tell you how much I’m putting this into perspective I must be a strong woman that’s all I can say It’s not my fault Thank you ❤
You have other relatives. Ask to move in with them and get a job and your own place. Only then you'll know your own worth. It can't ever be worse then it is now
It's not easy. He's agreed to move out of our home so I can live there. I did leave but had no place to live and now our home is for sale.he keep telling lies and try to get me back..love bom all over again.he as broken and betrayed me .we have been married for 20yrs.
It's hard instead of two incomes ,there is only one ours,It is hard to sell up and give them half ,You find yourself going down small house ,bad area and alone ,So sometimes you hang on and one day you realise you are getting older and doors are closing ,so you settle for second best and end up almost crazy,He leaves anyway ,xxxxxxuk
This interview has changed my life.... I was manipulated, hurt and had my life destroyed for my ex partner I was descarted by him with no sigh of empathy and even worse he accused me to be the narcissist myself and the mind games was cruel. Now over a year after the dragedy at end of my relationship I am understanding what happened to me and I am able to go no contact. I wish no one had to go through this horrible and traumatic experience in life and be doing wrong by the person who should protect you is just unbearable.
@@nothing563019you leave the same negative comment all over this channel what is your deal my dude? Are you a troll or do you just not comprehend the love bombing phase?
To each their own…we reveal ourselves in our actions. Here’s to growth and discovering LOVE of self through self-care. Our Breath is LIFE itself. Live simply and honestly. Mistakes happen and we try to move forward. Help is all around us.
God!! Ive read so much about this. Loving him, having noticed the unlogical sayings and behaviours, after eight years..I feel sorry for him that I decided not to be part of his fantasy any longer. Surviving was my decision, I feel now lucky I did it, even though I loved him. Lights are off, time to leave the cinema. I thank you for your sharing. Thinking about how I got involved in the share fantasy is now my homework in order to not repeat it. Blessings.
Ex narc treats me with respect now that I don't try to preserve the integrity of the relationship anymore- because I finally realized it never existed in the first place
This is so so accurate. Finally. I have been abused and gone through these stages with the narcissist in my life. It's horrid. I haven't been discarded yet physically (we live together) however I can no longer talk to him, eat with him...nothing. it turns immediately into him demeaning and ranting at me. I feel trapped.
Get out! I'm in the process right now after 12 years of marriage. If you have someone to go stay with for a while, please do that. I've been away from him for only 3 weeks now, but I'm so much better. I can begin to think straight. They can really mess up your mind! It's a dim, shadow of an existence. I'm around normal people now and I had to forgotten what normal was like.
It can be hard while you’re still in the thick of it and I hope you’re able to get out and soon. I left mine about two weeks ago and lived in my car at truck stops until my apartment is ready for move in. It’s not ideal but it beats that abusive environment and it’s peaceful!
Been there, done that for 20 years. Be mindful of the fact that they often have something brewing on the side, and think nothing of just walking out one day and replacing you. I had become complacent in my misery and failed to prepare financially or emotionally, and I feel anything but peace! Take care of you, and waste no time. Trauma bonds are not logical, but after so many years, it may have affected you more than you know. Prepare and be ready for whatever outcome.
WHOA…. I am freaking out right now… there became a point where I felt strangely like a child to the narcissist who I felt was acting like a parent… my stomach and heart sank when you said “it’s too late, you’re infected.” Unfortunately so true. I feel sick in every sense of the word from this person.
I told him, "I can't be the wife you want me to be," and I could see he was buying it. And it looked like he was saying to himself, "omg, how could I have screwed up?" And of course he says nothing. I loved to say that because this narcissist is a total freak expecting me to be his mommy, his doctor, his slave, his subordinate, and take his hate he had for his dead mother out on me and punish me as he wanted to punish his mother. He wanted to show me hate and abuse me and treat me like sh-t. Enough is enough. I'm glad we have recently separated. He's a whole piece of work, and it's never ending, and no amount of money could pay me enough to manage him everyday. "You can enter but you can not leave, and I must kill you slowly" is what you feel is going on in his brain to me everyday. He is a lunatic and as close as it comes to being a serial killer in my eyes. I asked him "how many victims did you have before me?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it." When I asked about his childhood he said "I don't like to talk about my childhood." You can't get to know him other than he is a psycho abuser.
OMG this makes so much sense. I was so addicted to the high/lows of this relationship. I literally did not see myself without him. I believe I went through an identity crisis. A life crisis. An everything type of crisis. I was devastated after I finally left him and he moved on within a few weeks. Made me feel like I never existed. I knew about his mom/dad being non existent in his childhood so I did not want to be someone else to leave him so I made many many excuses for him. I tolerated many things that I would have normally never accepted. I chose to be abused mentally, verbally and physically -I accept that and I accept that he sees absolutely nothing wrong with what he did. I am now known as the vexy toxic/cheating ex...go figure! lol I'm starting to feel a bit better after 5 months. Advice to anyone going through this: IT DOES GET BETTER. At first it feels like it never will, but time will eventually make it hurt a little less.
thank you from writing this. if i didnt know any better i would’ve thought i wrote it myself! currently still devestated and looking for a sign. this comment made me feel seen and hopeful ❤
@@carianabelle2840 stay positive even though it is hard. And 0 contact works wonders block him from everything.I know you’ll want to wonder what he is up to (trust me I’ve been there) but now 7 months later I can honestly say that I will never get back with him ever again. Eventually, you’ll be there too.
I love your title. Believe me, I've been trying to have him lose me for a long time.. and then he will go backward and act like he doesn't know anything of how it's never going to work. He's too much work, I don't have the energy for this anymore anyway. It's not worth the argument anymore.
I thank you Sam Vaknin for all the educational information you have provided to help me understand and heal myself after a 7 yr entanglement with my Covert Ex
Thank God I'm recovering and beginning to regain self-worth after being nearly crushed and brought to my knees by the most narcissistic relationship ever. 🙏
This explained my husband and why things got violent. I was submissive and he wanted to discard me and couldn't find a way... I ended up leaving after being strangled for the last time.
This is the best overview and explanation of development and eventual dysfunction of a narcissist that I have ever heard. You have expressed what I have often said, that a narc is not human as we define a human. They're lacking in requisite qualities for a functioning and relatable human being.
Hoover 😊after 6 months, no contact. I saw him with a different pair of glasses. Not so handsome. Not so charming. He looked sickly to me. Sad. No more obsession. Thank you for your advice
I am so glad to hear that you found the narc less attractive! I also found myself not being so attracted the way I used to. Basically it is a child and those childish behaviors and facial features became very odd after certain age. It seemed like there was no change but there was time gap and if you are not able to grow-up, it only makes them look slightly off.
I had never heard this theory about the narcissist trying to get a second chance to separate from his mother by getting into a relationship with someone he sees as a potential maternal figure from which he will eventually attempt to separate. Makes so much sense from my own personal experience! So glad I came across this video.
Excellent explanation. Thank you. You’re absolutely right. No victimhood, no pathos, no passivity. We always need to be actors (to act) in our lives. That’s when we exist, in our separateness. I let go and « I am becoming ».
Azam Ali is a badass. Wow yep 100 this all sounds too familiar - Ex Narc/Psychopath makes his friend Mommy in his mind and decides a relationship would never work before it even starts- yet is sadistic enough to start one anyway while intentionally and incessantly ensuring the end. Peace and healing to those recovering from this abuse. May the gods protect children who have both narcissistic mothers and fathers… It’s heartbreaking to witness mothers that are so insecure they can’t bear others being involved in their children’s lives positively- so pathetically selfish. I’m definitely learning a lot to own my shit and never repeat cycles of involvement with these people who don’t seek healing.🧿
Sam Vaknin is right...we are not quite victims..I saw the signs in the beginning of the relation...I felt something was weird about her...not quite human...but aesthetics and sex was so good I kept going...27 years...I have finally moved on for 3 months now...thank you
@@mermaid78 a lot of devaluation after the second/third year....never left me but she would put me in a cold silent treatment for weeks/months and then give me a bit of attention and sex to keep me going...she is a covert...always playing the victim...in her stories I was the toxic one...two years ago I slowly started cutting down my money support to her and then she started going out at night and coming back 01/02/03am...she openly said she was not my wife anymore despite still living with me and that she was looking for a new husband/boyfriend who could support her better, I found out about at least 7 guys she cheated me with in these 27 years... finally she agreed to break up 🙏🙏🙏
My ex(narcissist) admitted he was terribly jealous of the time I gave to our children. He also wanted me to wait on him hand and foot. I always said he wanted a mother, not a wife, except he had a high sex drive. ((How Freudian!) After we divorced, he married a woman 14 years older.
This was amazing… I grew up with a narcissistic mother (and thankfully so she had no choice but to leave me behind in my birth country from the ages of 2-4 with an aunt, thus I did individualize). Since a child, I always felt it was wrong how she expressed that G-d was only good to children who were good to their mothers first. It was this constant need to brainwash me that I could only do well in life if she was doing well, yet my mind always felt “icky” about this statement. Her repeated attempts to tell me who I was while growing up always felt incorrect and invasive. When it was time to end the relationship, the only way I could explain the decisions as if it was “the cutting of the illusive umbilical cord.”
@@samvakninin my understanding, I thought you were saying that the Narc is unaware that they are doing the processes of idealizing someone (ex. love bombing, gaslighting, other manipulative tactics) because it's an unconscious compulsion, and the psychopath is aware of these behaviors and consciously does them. Am I mistaken?
@@ShepVII Narcissists are aware of WHAT they are doing but they see nothing wrong in it and they believe their own confabulations, idealizations, devaluations, and fantasies. They have an impaired reality testing.
I love your videos on Narcism and learn so much. This video discussion is one of the most clarifying description that helps me understand Narcism better ie., adaptive and maladaptive narcism; objectification, individuation from mother, types of supply, shared fantasy, etc. Azam’s questions brought out the best discussion from you on this topic. Thank you!
Amazing video! Sam, if a narcissist does many things unconsciously (and believe their own lies/fantasy) what is going to happen if he watches your videos and understand/believe everything you say (become self aware), how this is going to impact his mind? a non-narcissist probably would learn and avoid all these things, but what would happen with a narcissist ?
I live with borderline and belive I have a narcisstical wound. Have a story with my mother identical as explained im the video - not allowed to become, being punished for wanting to separate, enmeshment. I m trying to heal the narcisstical wound in 12 step programs, in therapy. Feels Like I am in the process of constituing the I and discovering and building the self. My question to the doctor would be: at some point, you mentioned therapist should be using child therapy, I felt hopful for a second. Could there be a way to "induce" throught hypnosis or recreate/create/simulate a procces of separation and individuation for people who are suffering ? I belive there must be tools and healing to be found, we just did not discover them. Thank you for the amazing insights of some of the mechanism that are driving me. I wrote them down as an I statment: I need my partner to dissapointn me, so I can abandon and reject her. I am idealizing her, and notninteracting with the real person. I am devaluatimg her when she excerts her autonomy. Found this useful, beacuse I take ownership and see what is Being done. Hope I Will be able to counteract and change the behaviours before it happens. Until them, staying alone not to hurt anyone. Thank you and bless you everyone.
Damned if you do, damned if you dont. I ignored a few red flags and once married was devastated by how mean he was so I tried to be a better wife. Waste of time.
This is brilliant i have followed your lectures for 3 years now they are brilliant its explained so much in my life and i don't blame the narcissist in my life and there have been many but understanding the dynamics of why it is makes me see the depth of human psychology
Sam Vaknin, you are my favorite subject expert! You have helped me immensely! Thank you for sharing your knowledge. Infinite love and blessings to you. 🙏🏽
You have explained the living with a narcissist to a tee. I have lived with this debilitating life for my whole life. I am almost 70 yrs old and now facing going it alone again. I know that I have contributed to the cycle. I have gone through years of therapy, for codependency, sexual abuse, detachment from family members, and seeing my own children suffering from self dysfunction. I always wonder what and how I could have raised them differently. I lost my youngest son to suicide in 2020. So I’ve gone through more pain than any human can go through. No I’m not a victim, I am an empath, through the life I have lived . I am always wanting to learn, to be a positive person. Thank you for being honest and direct. It’s very hard to find counseling or someone that gets it. I will say I feel trapped in not being able to leave the narcissistic relationship I am in. There negativity that could occur will be devastating. Your theories and total honesty has put a light on so many things that I am living daily. Thank you
I personally had to deal with one. I guess he was just a covert trying to be an overt and mimicking one. Even prof Sam talked about it in one of his doormat coverts videos. So they are coverts and they try to have a sense of self by imitating an overt/malignant.
1:01:50 "It's a bad movie, that's all. It's a bad movie, it's over, lights are on and time to leave the cinema." And just like leaving the cinema, you have to clean off the popcorn dust and adjust yourself after sitting down for an hour or more, the outside light will be harsh and hurt your eyes, and you'll reminisce whether the hour or so was worth the effort. Now it's time for our REAL LIFE story to begin
'Denied Being and remaining an unfulfilled dream' this helped me love forgive and walk away tenderly, from the ones in my life who were denied growing into humanity.
The definition of sadistic supply really stood out to me. If it wasn’t defined correctly today, I would have always thought a narcissist only causes pain because it makes them happy to see other people in pain. But wow! Who knew it was the anticipatory gratification of receiving pain & punishment in return after hurting their intimate partner AKA masochistic pleasure.
@tmrsfitz1967 at one point he told me that "I'm the devils son and you better run" after I had just gave him a big kiss and told him I loved him. My reaction was to tell him to not talk about himself like that. I stayed another 2 years after that and finally have been no contact going through the divorce system for almost a year. Next April would be our 44th wedding anniversary.
I don't know about "wanting pain and punishment in return". I thought he's saying they push every boundary because they want to be rejected / let go (as their mother should have done, in a much younger sense) - so they may act autonomously for critical sense of self identity (developing confidence, initiative, self-esteem, accountability, etc).
Incompatible Hungers. Concise, spot-on, understandable synopsis. ThkU, Dr. Vaknin for your commitment to continually explain this conundrum with the masses! ❤
I’d love to hear how the victim ( myself) is suppose to heal , become mentally normal again , move forward .. live a normal life after married and living with a Covert Narcissist 25+ years and towsrds the end was traumatized over and over until I learned the truth of what he was and is.
@@samvaknin thank you very much I really appreciate a response I never imagined I would get . I guess I’m living the life of a victim and don’t want to , I’ll definitely watch them., 🙏🏻💔
After seeing a certain number of videos, I suspect my brother is a narcissist. It's been a very frustrating relationship. He played our dad against our mom. He forged cheques off my dad's account because he felt entitled to that money. He writes long diatribes blaming everyone for his ills. Every time my family thinks we have reached him, he takes two steps back. His emails are peppered with "I". Me, me, me. Natch, he ignores any news I have shared, like my cancer diagnosis. Anyway, I decided to be like him: I ignored his previous email, and just wrote a happy letter about myself and my own family. Worked like a charm!
THANK YOU for sharing this genius and complete description, and much much more of a description. I recognized myself in every sound from it! I am a narcissist myself, and getting to realise and admit this, is a miracle, which a holy person granted me. A person sacred to myself, who made me see myself, and whom i have tortured for 20 years now and now it seems that they realised the black hole that i am and commited to ending our relationship. Me, as i am - full of these fears and creating the fantasies in order to escape them - am oddly, as frozen as i am, at the same time in form of acceptance that this is going to an end. You will possibly say "then you're not a real narcissist ". I would say - there are powers in this world, higher than the human mind can understand, and yes, miracles do exist. I believe, that it might be, that my life mission is to share my experience with other souls who are also on that brink of realisation that they have been living a fantasy and do go for the step to become. I really love your way of expressing all, it touched me and helped me get a little closer to myself, feel understood, despite the horrific pace I'm at. There is no such thing as hope. There is a possibility for everyone to realise and expand their conscience and grow beyond the 2 year old. Our conscience is far broader as we can imagine. But it's also locked and only we have the key to our own soul. Thank you and may you go beyond your imagination for success and prosperity!
Two of the most important things to take away from this video: 1- It was never real. Sadly, that’s the realization that nearly floored me when I realized it. I’d been fighting against the discard because I still believed that the initial phase was real, and therefore the intense love was real. No, every good thing, every happy moment, all of the intense love and worship I received, all of the promises for the future, it all was *the* lie from the start. But with this realization comes the freedom of knowing that there’s nothing to long for or to miss. This realization is one of the very first steps towards healing, although it hurts pretty intensely at first. 2- Accept my role in the entire situation. Healthy relationships never look like the ones narcissists create, yet I allowed it to become normal, because I needed it to be real- and the reasons for that are very individual to each and every victim of these zombie children. This is something I’ve only recently been able to ask myself and focus on repairing within myself. I’ve stayed out of all relationships since, and have even isolated away from others, because I couldn’t trust my responses to other people after that. It’s been 5.5 years, and I’m just starting to figure out the things within myself that were broken and I subconsciously expected this intensely loving relationship to fix. This just all takes time, and the stages of healing will look the same for most of us, although on different timelines and with different twists, ones that are all flavored by me, in the very end, as the narcissist does the same thing to every partner, you’re only going to find that the differences reflect more on the victim, the supply, than it does them. They’re still the monster in this situation, but figuring out how I went along, why, and to what extent has been enlightening and the only thing that’s repaired the damage he inflicted.
I resonate with your response so much. This interview has also helped me too put into context what I felt during the years I was with my narcissist, so many times I felt more like his mother than girlfriend. I remember some of our first conflicts, he would say things that didn’t seem to be about me, but rather a different conflict with a different person. I could hear his last partner’s voice telling him he didn’t know how to love. The flipside of this interview, and recognizing what my hungers were at the beginning of our relationship, was explosive and eye-opening at the same time. I will need to relisten to this interview because my mind stopped and I could barely listen, not wanting to acknowledge it; really… who wants to leave the blameless cocoon? It has been enlightening and healing to see why I fell into this relationship. I couldn’t resist the attention, love and intimacy served up so easily. Now, I can see where my focus should be, and it is definitely not on him, but on my self. I need to feed my own hungers, so I don’t accept candy from strangers again.
I’m 30 years into absolutely avoiding intimate relationships precisely because I recognized I had a role in being drawn into the relationship with the narc. I’m satisfied so far with remaining out because I’ve never developed trust in myself. Why? Because I don’t have the skills to pick a healthy relationship. I don’t see how. I’m not sure I want to as my life has gone well without a partner. There is a sense of concern for what I’m missing out on but it is also too terrifying and not promising at all that anything could be better than what I now have: independence, friendships, personal interests and pursuits, self- regulation and care, a peaceful domicile, little to no confusion…
@@mR-dc4oq, I think there’s a lot of beauty in what you’ve written. I imagine many would read “30 years” and assume that is something to be regretful about, but I can tell you that I wish I’d chosen to work on being happy with myself years before I realized that’s what mattered most. I’ve displayed classic codependent personality traits my entire life. I was as young as 17 when I first believed that if I fell in mutual love with the right person, everything else would stop hurting. I spent a lifetime either consciously or subconsciously making so many major life decisions based upon this underlying false belief. When I think of it in terms of this interview, I can see a similarity between my unconscious desires and the narcissist’s: trying to recreate something we were deprived of growing up, or seeking to control a narrative in order to avoid feeling vulnerable. Yet our underlying motives are so vastly different, and in the end, that’s our shattered heart next to their blackened ones. That means in the end, our hearts can heal and theirs will continue seeking out others to feel the pulse of life. After my narcissist was completely gone, I nearly ran headfirst into the arms of the most obviously abusive, selfish man I could find. I took comfort in the fact that he didn’t pretend to be anyone else. It was pretty sadistic, when I think about it. It was also furthering the false narrative that I needed to be with someone else in the first place. It was as if the idea of being alone was worse than an obviously abusive partner. I knew for certain that being with someone who didn’t claim to be a good person capable of selfless love was better than someone who fooled me into believing they were capable of actually caring for me. I could not stand another betrayal of that type- someone turning out to be a complete fraud, a monster behind the mask. When I realized the only person I needed to love me was myself, I began to step towards real freedom, a true capacity for contentment. Loneliness was a prison of my own making. Yes, I need community. I need a tribe, even if only a small one. I do not need another half- a partner- I am a complete and whole person just as I am, what a concept. I’m still rewiring my brain on a daily basis, metacognition is a brilliant theory that’s taught me how to self actualize the love I looked for everywhere else for but within. It’s a wild thing, learning, and really accepting the only person I can change is myself. It was difficult for me to come to terms with that, because I was so married to this image of myself as being broken, flawed, without worth to myself. Those are not facts, just thoughts. And thoughts can be challenged, they can be slowly replaced until those thoughts no longer dictate who I see myself as. What a concept, albeit not simple or easy. But it’s the only way forward that’s worth it, and I’m certain now it’s the only one that has a chance to succeed. Waiting for someone else to love me enough was going to be what my entire life had been. I tried listening to my thoughts organically to the point that I only amplified them. Now I purposefully take the time to tell myself a different narrative, and I can’t believe I waited until I was nearly 52 to figure that out. Better late than never! I hope you look back upon these 30 years with acceptance and pride in knowing enough of yourself to be cautious either way your heart and soul. I’m sorry someone hurt you that profoundly in the first place, of course. It says a lot about your resilience to be able to reflect upon that with such acceptance and understanding.
So in order to keep a narc (not you should or even really can), you essentially have to leave them to keep them from devalue/discard and getting them to technically re-idealize you. However, they’re still going repeat the cycle unless you stay gone and have no zero contact. That’s too heady for me. I don’t have the energy anymore.
I believe my ex husband had narcissistic traits at times and towards the end, almost consistently. He broke me a few times, but by the end he could be screaming in my face and I would calmly ask him not to do that. The day after I left him was one of the most joyous days of my life, I was actually bouncing about telling friends how I has left him. I never felt like a victim.
From my understanding, narcissistic individuals often result from experiences of significant suffering and abandonment. From a compassionate viewpoint, they are in dire need of assistance. How can we approach them to expedite their healing journey?my neighbor who is also my friend is the most narcissistic person I ever met and experience in the real life , horrible. It’s all about him
Pro. Sam Vaknin, I have watched so many other different veiws, videos and opinions on Narcisseic abuse from people who were in relationships that have experienced this awful thing. Just trying to get a clear understanding of this because it's so traumatic and confusing. Now that I have been watching your videos Pro. Vaknin, and its so Astonishing So Profound! I can Honestly say your information on this has gave me some clarity, ease some feeling and emotions on my narcissist. I will definitely still keep NO CONTACT but I Honestly feel so sorry for him. What a life to have steming from birth out of any control of your own. There is so much in this video, that explains to me what this is. I just wish I could help him. I have been knowing him since I was 15 years old. It breaks my heart. But I do know I have NO other choice but to let go! I can't go through this anymore for sure. Thank you so much Pro. Sam Vak 1:14:24 nin..
👏🏽BRAVO! A very sincere thank you for shedding new and true light on the narcissist! You are absolutely brilliant, good sir! Finally empowered after 14 years of much confusion and patience. It all makes sense now. You are a blessing 💐💡💯
Brilliant! Sam, when I watch to your videos it's like like watching and listening to a symphony. You have educated me on this topic since 2015! Thank you! Forever grateful.
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Narcissist pushes your buttons so much to the point where you finally become the reactive narcissist, you, the level headed, an otherwise grounded and empathetic individual who suddenly starts operating (if only temporarily) the way narcissists do It's not your fault It's a trauma response and it's only temporary even if they're trying to make you look like the crazy one
That's exactly what happened to me with my ex fiance. Since I've gone grey rock I've noticed myself reverting back to my old self. I am totally different. It's crazy.
😢😭😭 I felt your response 😢
So lame, everyone is a victim 🙄
@@Rakibrown111If you are talking about netizens, a lot of people on the internet are narcissists in layman's terms, playing victim is their M.O.
But here we are talking about NPD, which is the worst one to deal with, and is devastating to the victims.
If you are not a narcissists or a victim, then you are really a loser if trolling distressed people is what you do with your life.
This is the best explanation I've ever read. Spot on. Thank you.
Even after 10 years of being free, I still seek to understand this. Professor, you explain it so well. Thank you for all you do!
I too continue seeking to understand. Married for 38 years, divorced for 3, I continue performing the postpartum. Sam nails it when he explains the chance meeting of two hungers. Excellent exchange. Thanks to all.
Took a long time after going no contact with my mother to get over the worst of it. Not so hard with my husband comparatively, but I think I'd really taken his measure long ago, to be fair. ❤
Narcissists cannot change. You must change. When you understand that narcissists cannot be appeased, and that you are just being cruelly used; and that you are interchangeable; and are being emotionally, psychologically, and physically harmed; you can choose let go. Narcissists prey on nice, caring, empathetic people who they drain and leave. Narcissists can harm your health. Refuse to feed them or let them hurt you. You must get and remain very tough with narcissists to avoid being destroyed. Some narcissists don't leave; and ignoring them does not work. Learn to refuse to take their bait; refuse to hurt yourself; and stay strong to diminish their power and dominance over you. Save your kindness and love for someone who will not use it against you or to destroy you. Narcissists hate you for loving them. Narcissists hate you for helping them. Narcissists love to intimidate and threaten and demand submission. Refuse and Resist their toxic ploys and games even if they threaten to kill themselves. Narcissists will punish you for helping them. You can never believe or trust a narcissist.
Thank you I finally and truly understand why my NARK acted the way he did. I discarded him after 3 years. I saw thru his
Fairy tale existence and child like abuse and in the last day I ended communicated with him, I said ...
Your not worth the ground you stand on, get out, and don’t come near me again, and if you do, you will be GOD damn sorry!
He stared at me and he didn’t say a word, so I said again, Get Out, all was said in a calm and decisive voice. Remember, my dad was a sniper in WW11, if I tell him what you have done, he will be here with his army rifle with the scope, within 48 hours, you won’t see it coming, but he will shoot you twice in the legs and last shot thru the heart, so you will know what’s coming.
He married within 4 months to another and called me hovered me 6 months after marriage. I hung up on him within 5 minutes, asked him nothing, and gave him yes no answers, said goodbye. He called me fur the next 50 years on my birthday , Easter, Christmas and New Years. He says my name, and I said,
Wrong Number each abs every time and hung up the telephone. He died 10 years ago at age 65 with bad case kidney desires and diabetes.
The phone calls stopped finally. A sad
Hunan bring.
I in turn had a wonderful marriage and children and grandchildren.
God helped me survive this person.
Thank you God.
When I met my narcissist he was charming and very normal. When he began to reveal himself to me I couldn't understand how he could behave in the opposite way to what I experienced in the early days of our dating period. I left him and he drew me back by showing me the man I met and fell in love with. I was with him for over 30 years when I walked away. While I tried to bring reality and logic into every argument and violent episode he ignored his behaviour as there was nothing wrong with it. For a long time, I felt immobilised as though my feet were in cement and couldn't move. But listening to this video I can see how I was vulnerable and could attract my narcissist. Now that I have left I am still struggling with the pain of the experience. But I am feeling happiness and joy for the first time in a very long time.
@gordanaginamihajl: Wow, that's a trip of an address you got there fir me to remember) my brain has been fried by the passive-aggressive covert narcissist. Lucky me.) I just want to say that I so much understand everything you have said. What a life going through this crap we have had huh? Hang in there. I'm just touching base to say I do hear you and I know what you are talking about, big time. There are others like you and me going through the same things, but they won't reach out. We, you and I will both get better. 👍
Thank you for sharing your story. My ex had been my therapist for 2 years before he told me he loved me, love bombed me, and made me think my sad struggles to be loved had finally ended. He swore he would never do the things to me I had experienced in the past, and would honor any ending as a slow process if it ever became necessary to ever end things. He lied, cheated, gaslit, islated, and humiliated me for 20 years, and I could never leave. I was caught in quick sand and did not even respect myself at that point. This lecture helped me understand why, and I hope will help me stop blaming myself for never being able to understand or "get it right" no matter what I did. I grieve those 20 years now, realizingf how much of myself I let die so he could exist. I have a long road of recovery ahead of me and sometimes the pain I feel after being recently abandoned and replaced quickly is so unbearable I can hardly tolerate existing. With all that is left of mty heart, I wish us both (and the rest of us out there!) a successful journey to peace.
WOW you described it so well
You feel for a long time that your feet are in cement.
@@ND-or5so❤
❤
I got hoovered from a male romantic partner narcissist after 32 years of no contact. I ran into him briefly once. He remembered my phone number which I still have after that long. He has just bought a house and asked me to move in with him. I was polite, and told him that I had moved to another state which is true. Never underestimate a Hoover. 32 years y’all!
WTF!!!
I have a feeling my ex will still be trying to get me back in 32 years time lol
Wow! This happened to me too. 25 years later.
I had Nightmare over it.
I thought he was over me.
I blocked him again.
I actually didn’t know he was Narcissist till June 2023! It all made sense.
All the Narcissist that I had in life over years. They were attracted to me. Or they were family members.
You must have been really
really good supply.
I believe in order to truly understand this you must experience the relationship first hand. When I first listened to Sam, it was like understanding a foreign language without having to study it. Having lived it over 30 decades.
This makes total sense. I pulled the plug but always felt he was pushing me to do it and waiting for the opportunity for me to do it so he could walk away guilt free
Im in this right now.
Why would he need to wait for an opportunity to walk away 'guilt-free'?
@@paulinedolan5989 because he's allergic to accountability, he can't endure a reality where he's not the victim. So if I divorce him then he can claim that Im a bad woman because I left him but he always did right by me yada yada
@@paulinedolan5989did you watch the video or you just trolling?
Yes I think mine did that too.
My hunger for love and acceptance and my husbands hunger for existence 😭 watched till the end.. made me cry all these insights in the middle of divorce
20 years of my life and two children later, I finally got out. Now, I'm trying to save my children.
I worry about that all the time. 😢
Same. Nearly out after almost 20 yrs. Now I am doing everything I can to get stable to save my kids.
Congratulations.
I have been trying to save my son for a long time. My son had a healthy mind in the beginning as time went on he lost his ability to see through his dad. I got a divorce from his dad when he was 10 I had to move far away because his dad was violence toward me.
Same
this man is BY FAR the most genius at explaining narcissism. I have never come across such insight. it's almost eerie how well he gets it, he can understand and explain this topic at super human level. THIS MAN GETS IT.
He’s diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.
I understand he identified himself as having been a narcissist, we are so fortune to learn of the inner workings from someone who's been there, done that 💎
Normally they can not self reflect. So he is an exception. Just super smart
This explains the people with NPD in my family. It makes so much sense to me now. I wondered why are they so different from the other family members. They related different to the mother. My mother used them differently (assigned them a specific role to take care of her) than she did us.
He saved my life as I finally understood what my ex husband had been doing to me for decades . That I wasn’t crazy ..with the education he gave me though shocked it all finally made sense . Though I have not recovered or able to get back to who I truly am ., my ex to me is the same as the devil
And when we give them the taste of their own medicine they lose control and expose their hate :)
Very interesting, ty! That narcs wants their partner to be abusive, instead of nice and compliant, was new to me. I was overly nice to my ex covert because of the "love testing", but all it gave was more abuse and fake accusations about horrible things,. Now I can spot narcissists from far away, and that's as close as they come! Looking human on the out side but without a shred of humanity on their inside.
Same here. I thought love could conquer anything. Ugh! He treated me worse, the more forgiving I was!
Yes, me too. After we separated he was trying to talk me into something. When I gave him a firm no he said, 'If you were this tough when we were married we might have made it'. I will never forget how odd that struck me. It's been 30 years now.
I certainly experienced my narcissistic ex as non-human... It was so confusing. I used to often think to myself "he's not a person" and now you have validated my feelings. It was the most bizarre head fuck I have ever known. He definitely drained my soul and I had no other choice but to leave him... I'm at peace now 🙏
It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. The ‘victim’ does exactly what the narcissist expects them to do. Leave them as their parent or care giver did or they leave you. But they never leave you. The door is always open for them to come back to you as they can’t let go. The ‘victim’ always has to do the final discard and close the door on them forever. The narcissist doesn’t detach from the victim. They have attachment issues as does the victim. This may be a simplistic explanation but it’s my experience with the narcissist I got involved with and how I see it. I was definitely the maternal figure in his life. I did what his mother did abandoned him. I feel bad about that but he forced my hand with his manipulation, deceit, lies, borrowing money from me with no intention of paying it back and emotionally abusing me with the love bomb and future faking and intermittent reinforcement (blowing hot and cold, disappearing, confusion, breadcrumbing). Am I also personally responsible for that. yes! Do I take accountability. Yes. Did I have my own inner childhood wound. Yes. Am I trying to heal myself. Yes! However is he accountable for his actions. No. Has he taken personal responsibility. No. Is he self aware. No. Can he heal from his own trauma. No 😞
I do class myself as a survivor. I hear what you say and I’m working on myself.
Girl do we have the same ex? Lmao
@@eclipse98100they all work from the same narc book
@@louiseelliott6404 what’s the book called because he has so many on Amazon
Omg, this is the comment. This is how I feel like I was resorted to do.
@@BleachedPink1111I feel for you. I’m still struggling to detach 9 months on but determined to stay away from him and his toxic manipulative behaviour
The scary thing is that by being around narcissists, you can pick up their bad terrible habits. So to catch yourself to stay positive and love everyone in a cheerful light, is wise. It starts with listening to them run down others and leads to you beginning to gossip, breaking the 9th Commandment, "not bear false witness against thy neighbor. "
Guilty 😂
WOW! This is my story exactly!
When I told them the conversations weren’t edifying and that 2 Timothy 2:16-18
But shun profane and vain babblings: for they will increase to more ungodliness
Says not to do this very thing, so we should spend less time on the phone they became enraged against me and said I was wicked.
Yes, I totally picked his bad habits, totally behaved like him towards everyone including him, but it didn't go according to his plan Since he tried to explicitly program me to be like him to Everyone but him. It totally backfired towards him sadly. And now I'm just completely broken as a human as a result.
I feel so lucky I am not a narcissist. I don’t even want to know the darkness behind that mask. What a luxury to not have to wear one in order to exist.
I saw it slip, like looking into hell. Who was this person? Who was this stranger?
Masks can be useful as an object facilitating let go and immunity from the ups and downs of life, it is just that narcissists seem to use them wrong, the opposite way of how they should be used. When you shape your life around the mask instead of the mask shaped around your life, this is when you get problems.
@@trudijugger wow. Money is an issue for them. Mine said something similar. WTF
@@heavenshandwriter4796 he is divorce from reality. You are gifted with the honor of being yourself and being happy, grateful, fulfill, not envious. You have a self and I am happy for you that you’re able to see life with this qualities ❤️
@@heavenshandwriter4796
This is my son and husband
I don’t play around anymore. I shut my husband down in front of whoever is around. Not taking anymore shit from either
I want to watch this over, and over again and again, to get immersed in the power of all these healing words.
Narcissists have demons and they prey on nice, decent, and caring people who they use for fuel. Narcissists hate you for loving and helping them. Narcissists never change. You must change.
@@ganymeade5151 yes! It is hopeless if you want them to change as they will never change. They operate totally different from 'normal' people.
My God, I have been studying narcissism for 20+ years and I have never heard such insight. Absolutely mind blown and simultaneously comforted by hearing this.
He is a narcissist i think all narcs are same every move is in a manuel they robot their way and response by the book on any respond to all things the same for them over and over how ca this be? The devil is. Crafty but he uses the same tactics over and over on humans he hates us and god and its sooooo weird. Narcs are same My narc thinks being a narcissist is a big ego only lol😮 poor guy . I got one of his old phones hr left them full of apps and old te xt and thats how i saw the truth i was blown away but it stuck
100% !
It's because Sam is a self admitted Narsassist, so is he an expert and can speak on it authenticly, look up his background. He is a expert in the field and well spoken about it. Lower level Narsasists aren'tas self aware or don't want others to learn about them so they can easier aquire supply....
the funny thing is , I know my boyfriend is narcissist and I know so much about narcissism and still I can't help still reacting, I feel like I became an angry woman but only to him though, not to my kids and to anyone. I have been praying hard, something has to be done with this man, like really I wish I could just catch him cheating on me and I will leave in peace and will celebrate that I'm finally free. I don't know, its stupid life really.
@@bernagenwhite7131why wait for him to cheat on you, you dont know what you are saying, because he is 100% chesting you already, you just havent caught him. if it is not other women it is business or some secret fetish he is doing behind your back.
This is the BEST explanation of narcissists I have EVER heard!
This was a FASCINATING discussion! Thank you so much for sharing this information with us. I now feel a great sense of compassion for the narcissist because I understand the underlying causes of narcissism. I do not have to accept a narcissist into my life, but I don't have to hate them either. I just need to disconnect and walk away.
So true. It’s hurts but they are severely mentally ill.
Mind blown from this information. My entire 23 years summed up right here! Wish I could’ve seen this years back.
The narcissist I was married to is so lucky. I gave him what he needed, I left him. A win-win situation 😊
Same. He told me to get out and I obeyed. Signed a new lease immediately. Mental clarity, sleep quality, and executive function improved significantly in first month. Oh, the peace of mind!!
@@Toni-ve6lx Let 👏Me👏Tell👏You! 🧘♀️🧘♀️😍😍 Congratulations on your freedom!
This is the best description of Narcassism I have heard. Step for step what played off in my " relationship". I thought i was going crazy experiencing some of the situations eg Love bombing, shared fantasy, descarding when I tried to keep my autonomy.
I realise he entered my life when i was vulnerable and " broken" but i stayed despite the fact that I grew uncomfortable.
I accept my personal responsibility in this as hard as it is.
Even knowing all of this i still want to go back to the Love Bombing phase...and experience it again. Its like a drug.
It's extremely difficult to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it.
It has been a horror story. I have lived a fantasy. The pain has been real but it is sad to know the love never was. That " we " never were.
Thank you for this video it has made me realise i was damned either way ....and I will be damned again if I went back because he wants me to fail him.
This is brilliant. “ a narcissist wants you to reactively abuse you so that he can then sadistically abuse you”…. That’s why in couples therapy , a therapist with no specific training on narcissism has hard time differentiating between who is a narcissist and who is a non narcissistic . Ty for this
I swear
Mine dubbed me as suddenly having “bipolar 2 with rapid cycling” at 31. She was so stupid. He was sitting right next to me most of the time in therapy that was supposed to be for ME.
Why can’t a narcissist be told “Listen, you never individuated from your mother, you need therapy to emotionally develop beyond age 2 so you can have real relationships and not live in a fantasy world and be toxic to everyone around you”? I’m so frustrated with the idea that they cannot be helped and taught to behave differently. I want to believe everyone can change for the positive with the right help-especially if it’s explained to them.
Would an infant comprehend this message?
Wow so true!
@@samvakninbingo
A narcissist doesn’t want to change and believes hoe doesn’t need help, since there is nothing wrong in their opinion.
@@samvakninI have explained reality to my narcissist for about 7000 hours with no succes. I have a kid with her now. I feel stuck.😢
The first 20 minutes of this should be played before the Super Bowl on tv.
Professor Sam Vaknin you helped me to see and change my thinking from a victim to a survivor. The knowledge helped me take a look at the role I played, ignoring Red Flags from the beginning even the Love Bombing I felt was extreme the calls all day, text all day, and wanting me with him all the time
I knew this behavior was not normal
Thank you for everything you share
Exactly. It's nice to realise our gut feeling sometimes exists. Next time, let's try to be more aware.... it does hurt
I didn't. I was so young it felt like a dream to me. A fairy tale. I didn't see anything wrong until he started cheating (and it was very early on.) Even then, I tried to look at what I must have stopped doing right, tried to "fix" me to make him happy, satisfied again. If only I could go back and talk to that teenage girl I was... but that's now how life and lessons work.
Exactly, I noticed it in the first few months of our relationship too and I used to call it the obsessive compulsive style of loving and knew something was broken and all I felt was pity even though I couldn't have a life of my own outside of him. The fairytale part blinded me, when they are ready to discard they start looking for someone to fixate on before discard you.
This is by far the best interview of Dr. Vaknin’s, and I’ve watched them all (I too watch everything to the end and often re-watch). Both, Ms Azam Ali and Dr. Vaknin were fantastic in this conversation. Thank you Ms Ali for the wonderful way in which you lead this conversation and for all your contributions to the content shared with us via this interview. Thank you both!
His no bs is comforting. We need more of this straightforward insight. People have become extremely sensitive to being upset and want everyone to change so they can feel okay. And look what it has done to society. I find victim mindset really annoying and I myself have been on the receiving end of a lot and I see how I played the part and also that if one keeps victim hood as part of ones identity then you'll keep wanting unconsciously more things to be upset about so it keeps up the identity and also will make bitter and resentful.
How true. They do want to ever grow up and be adults who take accountability.
Excellent !! And agree 100%..
Well, sometimes a victim is, indeed, a victim... that does not mean one should stay in a vulnerable position for The rest of his life, but recognize that People did you bad is a first step to empower a victim... and i find really problematic/suspicious when talk of "look what a weak society we have become, everyone is weak and making complains!!" Seems more like a judgmental approach that a bully would like a victim to think, does it? We didn't deal with anything in The past, we simply were too ignorant as society to recognize and discuss prejudice that leads to people being victims on other people hand's for whatever reason
I'm confused about the narcissist also being a psychopath. I have been dealing with a very abusive man who I'm pretty sure has NPD. He goes from a wounded little boy I need to rescue or save, to a con artist who is entitled to the little bit of money I have + anything material I might have like my car, & then to someone who acts like a frightening psychopath who might physically hurt me, possibly kill me. Again, I'm just a little confused about the psychopathic or malignant aspect of NPD. &, Yes, the relationship is over & there's a court ordered No Contact in place. No intention or desire to return to this person.
1:01:00 is the most freeing explanation of all. You really saved many souls today with those words. Thank you!! Absolute gem.
1./ not your fault.
2./ it was never real to begin with.
3./ he did not choose you. it was dictated for decades. dual mothership issue.
4./ ask yourself why did I go there for me? what was my deal despite my pain. my benefit was... repetition compulsions. reform...
5./ victimized is NOT an identity of a victim. make the difference. he projects his own emptiness but you are not hallow and you have an identity. so, your identity is NOT compromised. only a bad experience...
It’s hard to swallow that I wasted 20 years of my life.
I know poor you, you did not deserve their shit.
Nah, it's a unique experience for growth.
Yes but you got out. Most don't
So many years of thinking 'why did he stop caring, or finding me attractive? maybe I'm not trying hard enough..." Now I understand.
The narc wants to feel he is powerful. It doesn't matter if you are desperate and lonely, etc because he cares about abusing you. It took me very long to understand this because I never find it interesting to abuse others who are hurting or in weaker position than I am. Yet those narcissist are different. That's the main difference I would say. There are those who truly enjoy watching people suffer. So they are total evil.
Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin .
I’m living with him.
We are selling the house
I can’t tell you how much I’m putting this into perspective
I must be a strong woman that’s all I can say
It’s not my fault
Thank you ❤
You have other relatives. Ask to move in with them and get a job and your own place. Only then you'll know your own worth. It can't ever be worse then it is now
Rooting for u dear ❤
It's not easy. He's agreed to move out of our home so I can live there. I did leave but had no place to live and now our home is for sale.he keep telling lies and try to get me back..love bom all over again.he as broken and betrayed me .we have been married for 20yrs.
Change the locks as he won’t respect your boundaries.
It's hard instead of two incomes ,there is only one ours,It is hard to sell up and give them half ,You find yourself going down small house ,bad area and alone ,So sometimes you hang on and one day you realise you are getting older and doors are closing ,so you settle for second best and end up almost crazy,He leaves anyway ,xxxxxxuk
This interview has changed my life.... I was manipulated, hurt and had my life destroyed for my ex partner I was descarted by him with no sigh of empathy and even worse he accused me to be the narcissist myself and the mind games was cruel. Now over a year after the dragedy at end of my relationship I am understanding what happened to me and I am able to go no contact. I wish no one had to go through this horrible and traumatic experience in life and be doing wrong by the person who should protect you is just unbearable.
❤❤❤
My mom was one and then many of my boyfriends
It’s been horrible
@@nothing563019you leave the same negative comment all over this channel what is your deal my dude? Are you a troll or do you just not comprehend the love bombing phase?
@@nothing563019 Congratulations on putting the most vacuous and useless comment out on the internet! Do better.
To each their own…we reveal ourselves in our actions. Here’s to growth and discovering LOVE of self through self-care. Our Breath is LIFE itself. Live simply and honestly. Mistakes happen and we try to move forward. Help is all around us.
God!! Ive read so much about this. Loving him, having noticed the unlogical sayings and behaviours, after eight years..I feel sorry for him that I decided not to be part of his fantasy any longer. Surviving was my decision, I feel now lucky I did it, even though I loved him. Lights are off, time to leave the cinema. I thank you for your sharing. Thinking about how I got involved in the share fantasy is now my homework in order to not repeat it. Blessings.
Ex narc treats me with respect now that I don't try to preserve the integrity of the relationship anymore- because I finally realized it never existed in the first place
The way my jaw dropped watching this video. When I have had plenty education on narc abuse. You can never know enough… wow thank you Prof. Sam
Same
This is so so accurate. Finally. I have been abused and gone through these stages with the narcissist in my life. It's horrid. I haven't been discarded yet physically (we live together) however I can no longer talk to him, eat with him...nothing. it turns immediately into him demeaning and ranting at me. I feel trapped.
Get out! I'm in the process right now after 12 years of marriage. If you have someone to go stay with for a while, please do that. I've been away from him for only 3 weeks now, but I'm so much better. I can begin to think straight. They can really mess up your mind! It's a dim, shadow of an existence. I'm around normal people now and I had to forgotten what normal was like.
It can be hard while you’re still in the thick of it and I hope you’re able to get out and soon. I left mine about two weeks ago and lived in my car at truck stops until my apartment is ready for move in. It’s not ideal but it beats that abusive environment and it’s peaceful!
Been there, done that for 20 years. Be mindful of the fact that they often have something brewing on the side, and think nothing of just walking out one day and replacing you. I had become complacent in my misery and failed to prepare financially or emotionally, and I feel anything but peace! Take care of you, and waste no time. Trauma bonds are not logical, but after so many years, it may have affected you more than you know. Prepare and be ready for whatever outcome.
Did this happen because you,,,like myself realized there is nothing you can do to stop the hopelessness of it.?
With an intimacy avoidant covert Narc for 47yrs, when i finally left him and looked back at the situation, i feel pity for him...
That was so enlightening. We need more of these deep dives.
Amen, amen, amen, thank you, thank you, God Bless
WHOA…. I am freaking out right now… there became a point where I felt strangely like a child to the narcissist who I felt was acting like a parent… my stomach and heart sank when you said “it’s too late, you’re infected.” Unfortunately so true. I feel sick in every sense of the word from this person.
I told him, "I can't be the wife you want me to be," and I could see he was buying it. And it looked like he was saying to himself, "omg, how could I have screwed up?" And of course he says nothing. I loved to say that because this narcissist is a total freak expecting me to be his mommy, his doctor, his slave, his subordinate, and take his hate he had for his dead mother out on me and punish me as he wanted to punish his mother. He wanted to show me hate and abuse me and treat me like sh-t. Enough is enough. I'm glad we have recently separated. He's a whole piece of work, and it's never ending, and no amount of money could pay me enough to manage him everyday. "You can enter but you can not leave, and I must kill you slowly" is what you feel is going on in his brain to me everyday. He is a lunatic and as close as it comes to being a serial killer in my eyes. I asked him "how many victims did you have before me?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it." When I asked about his childhood he said "I don't like to talk about my childhood." You can't get to know him other than he is a psycho abuser.
OMG this makes so much sense. I was so addicted to the high/lows of this relationship. I literally did not see myself without him. I believe I went through an identity crisis. A life crisis. An everything type of crisis. I was devastated after I finally left him and he moved on within a few weeks. Made me feel like I never existed. I knew about his mom/dad being non existent in his childhood so I did not want to be someone else to leave him so I made many many excuses for him. I tolerated many things that I would have normally never accepted. I chose to be abused mentally, verbally and physically -I accept that and I accept that he sees absolutely nothing wrong with what he did. I am now known as the vexy toxic/cheating ex...go figure! lol I'm starting to feel a bit better after 5 months. Advice to anyone going through this: IT DOES GET BETTER. At first it feels like it never will, but time will eventually make it hurt a little less.
thank you from writing this. if i didnt know any better i would’ve thought i wrote it myself! currently still devestated and looking for a sign. this comment made me feel seen and hopeful ❤
@@carianabelle2840 stay positive even though it is hard. And 0 contact works wonders block him from everything.I know you’ll want to wonder what he is up to (trust me I’ve been there) but now 7 months later I can honestly say that I will never get back with him ever again. Eventually, you’ll be there too.
I love your title. Believe me, I've been trying to have him lose me for a long time.. and then he will go backward and act like he doesn't know anything of how it's never going to work. He's too much work, I don't have the energy for this anymore anyway. It's not worth the argument anymore.
This is a highly accurate portrayal of my own interactions with a narcissist. I'm happy I got out of that situation alive.
Heart breaking. For everyone involved. 😢
I thank you Sam Vaknin for all the educational information you have provided to help me understand and heal myself after a 7 yr entanglement with my Covert Ex
Thank God I'm recovering and beginning to regain self-worth after being nearly crushed and brought to my knees by the most narcissistic relationship ever. 🙏
Oh God does it bring you to your knees. I'm free now
This explained my husband and why things got violent. I was submissive and he wanted to discard me and couldn't find a way... I ended up leaving after being strangled for the last time.
This is the best overview and explanation of development and eventual dysfunction of a narcissist that I have ever heard. You have expressed what I have often said, that a narc is not human as we define a human. They're lacking in requisite qualities for a functioning and relatable human being.
Should BE A BOOK IN THE SCHOOL
I believe all narcissists don’t “look”the same. The professors explanation of the internal mental process is uncannily accurate.
Hoover 😊after 6 months, no contact. I saw him with a different pair of glasses. Not so handsome. Not so charming. He looked sickly to me. Sad. No more obsession. Thank you for your advice
I am so glad to hear that you found the narc less attractive! I also found myself not being so attracted the way I used to. Basically it is a child and those childish behaviors and facial features became very odd after certain age. It seemed like there was no change but there was time gap and if you are not able to grow-up, it only makes them look slightly off.
I had never heard this theory about the narcissist trying to get a second chance to separate from his mother by getting into a relationship with someone he sees as a potential maternal figure from which he will eventually attempt to separate. Makes so much sense from my own personal experience! So glad I came across this video.
Wonderful interviewer and as usual a most insightful and educational response from Prof Sam. Thank you both so much.
Excellent explanation. Thank you. You’re absolutely right. No victimhood, no pathos, no passivity. We always need to be actors (to act) in our lives. That’s when we exist, in our separateness. I let go and « I am becoming ».
Very powerful interview. I cried through a lot of it.
I am just so shocked. Like what ???? When? How?
Whoever has ever been with a narcissistic person can totally identify with what you are saying. Your explanation makes so much sense ! Thanks !
Azam Ali is a badass.
Wow yep 100 this all sounds too familiar - Ex Narc/Psychopath makes his friend Mommy in his mind and decides a relationship would never work before it even starts- yet is sadistic enough to start one anyway while intentionally and incessantly ensuring the end.
Peace and healing to those recovering from this abuse. May the gods protect children who have both narcissistic mothers and fathers…
It’s heartbreaking to witness mothers that are so insecure they can’t bear others being involved in their children’s lives positively- so pathetically selfish.
I’m definitely learning a lot to own my shit and never repeat cycles of involvement with these people who don’t seek healing.🧿
Sam Vaknin is right...we are not quite victims..I saw the signs in the beginning of the relation...I felt something was weird about her...not quite human...but aesthetics and sex was so good I kept going...27 years...I have finally moved on for 3 months now...thank you
@@mermaid78 a lot of devaluation after the second/third year....never left me but she would put me in a cold silent treatment for weeks/months and then give me a bit of attention and sex to keep me going...she is a covert...always playing the victim...in her stories I was the toxic one...two years ago I slowly started cutting down my money support to her and then she started going out at night and coming back 01/02/03am...she openly said she was not my wife anymore despite still living with me and that she was looking for a new husband/boyfriend who could support her better, I found out about at least 7 guys she cheated me with in these 27 years... finally she agreed to break up 🙏🙏🙏
Yes @user-ow3vf4xz8t
My ex(narcissist) admitted he was terribly jealous of the time I gave to our children. He also wanted me to wait on him hand and foot. I always said he wanted a mother, not a wife, except he had a high sex drive. ((How Freudian!) After we divorced, he married a woman 14 years older.
This was amazing… I grew up with a narcissistic mother (and thankfully so she had no choice but to leave me behind in my birth country from the ages of 2-4 with an aunt, thus I did individualize). Since a child, I always felt it was wrong how she expressed that G-d was only good to children who were good to their mothers first. It was this constant need to brainwash me that I could only do well in life if she was doing well, yet my mind always felt “icky” about this statement. Her repeated attempts to tell me who I was while growing up always felt incorrect and invasive. When it was time to end the relationship, the only way I could explain the decisions as if it was “the cutting of the illusive umbilical cord.”
Do they know what they are doing, that they are doomed to fail again and again ?
Yes to the first, no to the second.
@@samvaknin am i correct? they dont think that they are fail, they think that they are not achieve.
@@samvakninin my understanding, I thought you were saying that the Narc is unaware that they are doing the processes of idealizing someone (ex. love bombing, gaslighting, other manipulative tactics) because it's an unconscious compulsion, and the psychopath is aware of these behaviors and consciously does them. Am I mistaken?
@@ShepVII Narcissists are aware of WHAT they are doing but they see nothing wrong in it and they believe their own confabulations, idealizations, devaluations, and fantasies. They have an impaired reality testing.
@@samvaknin gotcha! Thanks for clarifying doc
I wish all those who have experienced narcissistic abuse watch your message to them here. It's truly eye-opening.
Wow! If you’re a good partner, you’re the wrong partner for the narcissist. Spot on!
I love your videos on Narcism and learn so much. This video discussion is one of the most clarifying description that helps me understand Narcism better ie., adaptive and maladaptive narcism; objectification, individuation from mother, types of supply, shared fantasy, etc.
Azam’s questions brought out the best discussion from you on this topic. Thank you!
Narcissism.
Amazing explanation of this complex mental illness. Thank you so much
Learning the delicate balance of
SUSPICION & TRUST is a MUST
Thanks for helping us! 🦋
Amazing video! Sam, if a narcissist does many things unconsciously (and believe their own lies/fantasy) what is going to happen if he watches your videos and understand/believe everything you say (become self aware), how this is going to impact his mind? a non-narcissist probably would learn and avoid all these things, but what would happen with a narcissist ?
Narcissists are incapable of learning. Search the channel.
I live with borderline and belive I have a narcisstical wound. Have a story with my mother identical as explained im the video - not allowed to become, being punished for wanting to separate, enmeshment. I m trying to heal the narcisstical wound in 12 step programs, in therapy. Feels Like I am in the process of constituing the I and discovering and building the self. My question to the doctor would be: at some point, you mentioned therapist should be using child therapy, I felt hopful for a second. Could there be a way to "induce" throught hypnosis or recreate/create/simulate a procces of separation and individuation for people who are suffering ? I belive there must be tools and healing to be found, we just did not discover them. Thank you for the amazing insights of some of the mechanism that are driving me. I wrote them down as an I statment: I need my partner to dissapointn me, so I can abandon and reject her. I am idealizing her, and notninteracting with the real person. I am devaluatimg her when she excerts her autonomy. Found this useful, beacuse I take ownership and see what is Being done. Hope I Will be able to counteract and change the behaviours before it happens. Until them, staying alone not to hurt anyone. Thank you and bless you everyone.
@@samvakninHi SAM...do u mean they cant learn emotioally but academically as in keeping a job and higher education?
Damned if you do, damned if you dont. I ignored a few red flags and once married was devastated by how mean he was so I tried to be a better wife. Waste of time.
I am in the final phase of making my narcissistic abuser leave; 14 days to go. Knowledge is power. Your work can save lives.
What do you mean 14 days to go? You yourself leave don’t wait for him to leave.
Be really careful as breaking up is the most dangerous time for women.
So they've gone now. 6 wks ago? I sure hope so & hope they didn't manipulate you into letting them stay. No doubt, we are all better off without them.
He is gone at last.
He won't ever be getting back.
Took me some time to get rid of him but I finally succeed.
This is brilliant i have followed your lectures for 3 years now they are brilliant its explained so much in my life and i don't blame the narcissist in my life and there have been many but understanding the dynamics of why it is makes me see the depth of human psychology
This was so informative and calm and casual ❤
Can we have a Part 2 ?
Sam Vaknin, you are my favorite subject expert! You have helped me immensely! Thank you for sharing your knowledge. Infinite love and blessings to you. 🙏🏽
You have explained the living with a narcissist to a tee. I have lived with this debilitating life for my whole life. I am almost 70 yrs old and now facing going it alone again. I know that I have contributed to the cycle.
I have gone through years of therapy, for codependency, sexual abuse, detachment from family members, and seeing my own children suffering from self dysfunction. I always wonder what and how I could have raised them differently. I lost my youngest son to suicide in 2020. So I’ve gone through more pain than any human can go through. No I’m not a victim, I am an empath, through the life I have lived . I am always wanting to learn, to be a positive person.
Thank you for being honest and direct. It’s very hard to find counseling or someone that gets it.
I will say I feel trapped in not being able to leave the narcissistic relationship I am in. There negativity that could occur will be devastating.
Your theories and total honesty has put a light on so many things that I am living daily.
Thank you
Can there be covert malignant narcissists? I know someone who is a mix of both elements
I personally had to deal with one. I guess he was just a covert trying to be an overt and mimicking one. Even prof Sam talked about it in one of his doormat coverts videos. So they are coverts and they try to have a sense of self by imitating an overt/malignant.
Coverts can be psychopathic (malignant).
1:01:50 "It's a bad movie, that's all. It's a bad movie, it's over, lights are on and time to leave the cinema." And just like leaving the cinema, you have to clean off the popcorn dust and adjust yourself after sitting down for an hour or more, the outside light will be harsh and hurt your eyes, and you'll reminisce whether the hour or so was worth the effort. Now it's time for our REAL LIFE story to begin
So much insight... I'm numb. Thank you, Sam, for all you do!
'Denied Being and remaining an unfulfilled dream' this helped me love forgive and walk away tenderly, from the ones in my life who were denied growing into humanity.
The definition of sadistic supply really stood out to me. If it wasn’t defined correctly today, I would have always thought a narcissist only causes pain because it makes them happy to see other people in pain. But wow! Who knew it was the anticipatory gratification of receiving pain & punishment in return after hurting their intimate partner AKA masochistic pleasure.
@tmrsfitz1967 at one point he told me that "I'm the devils son and you better run" after I had just gave him a big kiss and told him I loved him. My reaction was to tell him to not talk about himself like that. I stayed another 2 years after that and finally have been no contact going through the divorce system for almost a year. Next April would be our 44th wedding anniversary.
I don't know about "wanting pain and punishment in return". I thought he's saying they push every boundary because they want to be rejected / let go (as their mother should have done, in a much younger sense) - so they may act autonomously for critical sense of self identity (developing confidence, initiative, self-esteem, accountability, etc).
Last 3 minutes are everything!
Incompatible Hungers. Concise, spot-on, understandable synopsis. ThkU, Dr. Vaknin for your commitment to continually explain this conundrum with the masses! ❤
I’d love to hear how the victim ( myself) is suppose to heal , become mentally normal again , move forward .. live a normal life after married and living with a Covert Narcissist 25+ years and towsrds the end was traumatized over and over until
I learned the truth of what he was and is.
Watch the videos in the healing and recovery playlist.
@@samvaknin thank you very much I really appreciate a response I never imagined I would get . I guess I’m living the life of a victim and don’t want to , I’ll definitely watch them.,
🙏🏻💔
After seeing a certain number of videos, I suspect my brother is a narcissist. It's been a very frustrating relationship. He played our dad against our mom. He forged cheques off my dad's account because he felt entitled to that money. He writes long diatribes blaming everyone for his ills. Every time my family thinks we have reached him, he takes two steps back.
His emails are peppered with "I". Me, me, me. Natch, he ignores any news I have shared, like my cancer diagnosis.
Anyway, I decided to be like him: I ignored his previous email, and just wrote a happy letter about myself and my own family.
Worked like a charm!
What a deep dive into the subject!!?? Wow mind blowing!
THANK YOU for sharing this genius and complete description, and much much more of a description. I recognized myself in every sound from it! I am a narcissist myself, and getting to realise and admit this, is a miracle, which a holy person granted me. A person sacred to myself, who made me see myself, and whom i have tortured for 20 years now and now it seems that they realised the black hole that i am and commited to ending our relationship. Me, as i am - full of these fears and creating the fantasies in order to escape them - am oddly, as frozen as i am, at the same time in form of acceptance that this is going to an end. You will possibly say "then you're not a real narcissist ". I would say - there are powers in this world, higher than the human mind can understand, and yes, miracles do exist. I believe, that it might be, that my life mission is to share my experience with other souls who are also on that brink of realisation that they have been living a fantasy and do go for the step to become. I really love your way of expressing all, it touched me and helped me get a little closer to myself, feel understood, despite the horrific pace I'm at. There is no such thing as hope. There is a possibility for everyone to realise and expand their conscience and grow beyond the 2 year old. Our conscience is far broader as we can imagine. But it's also locked and only we have the key to our own soul.
Thank you and may you go beyond your imagination for success and prosperity!
Am from Uganda (E. A), and this has been my best discussion on Narcissm. It is a door way to healing. Thanks a lot.
No wonder I'm always made out to be the bad guy. This makes sense now.
Two of the most important things to take away from this video: 1- It was never real. Sadly, that’s the realization that nearly floored me when I realized it. I’d been fighting against the discard because I still believed that the initial phase was real, and therefore the intense love was real. No, every good thing, every happy moment, all of the intense love and worship I received, all of the promises for the future, it all was *the* lie from the start. But with this realization comes the freedom of knowing that there’s nothing to long for or to miss. This realization is one of the very first steps towards healing, although it hurts pretty intensely at first. 2- Accept my role in the entire situation. Healthy relationships never look like the ones narcissists create, yet I allowed it to become normal, because I needed it to be real- and the reasons for that are very individual to each and every victim of these zombie children. This is something I’ve only recently been able to ask myself and focus on repairing within myself. I’ve stayed out of all relationships since, and have even isolated away from others, because I couldn’t trust my responses to other people after that. It’s been 5.5 years, and I’m just starting to figure out the things within myself that were broken and I subconsciously expected this intensely loving relationship to fix. This just all takes time, and the stages of healing will look the same for most of us, although on different timelines and with different twists, ones that are all flavored by me, in the very end, as the narcissist does the same thing to every partner, you’re only going to find that the differences reflect more on the victim, the supply, than it does them. They’re still the monster in this situation, but figuring out how I went along, why, and to what extent has been enlightening and the only thing that’s repaired the damage he inflicted.
I resonate with your response so much. This interview has also helped me too put into context what I felt during the years I was with my narcissist, so many times I felt more like his mother than girlfriend. I remember some of our first conflicts, he would say things that didn’t seem to be about me, but rather a different conflict with a different person. I could hear his last partner’s voice telling him he didn’t know how to love.
The flipside of this interview, and recognizing what my hungers were at the beginning of our relationship, was explosive and eye-opening at the same time. I will need to relisten to this interview because my mind stopped and I could barely listen, not wanting to acknowledge it; really… who wants to leave the blameless cocoon? It has been enlightening and healing to see why I fell into this relationship. I couldn’t resist the attention, love and intimacy served up so easily.
Now, I can see where my focus should be, and it is definitely not on him, but on my self. I need to feed my own hungers, so I don’t accept candy from strangers again.
Zombie children 🧟♀️ 💯
I dig you completely, good luck to you, stay yourself and strong!@@kima946
I’m 30 years into absolutely avoiding intimate relationships precisely because I recognized I had a role in being drawn into the relationship with the narc. I’m satisfied so far with remaining out because I’ve never developed trust in myself. Why? Because I don’t have the skills to pick a healthy relationship. I don’t see how. I’m not sure I want to as my life has gone well without a partner. There is a sense of concern for what I’m missing out on but it is also too terrifying and not promising at all that anything could be better than what I now have: independence, friendships, personal interests and pursuits, self- regulation and care, a peaceful domicile, little to no confusion…
@@mR-dc4oq, I think there’s a lot of beauty in what you’ve written. I imagine many would read “30 years” and assume that is something to be regretful about, but I can tell you that I wish I’d chosen to work on being happy with myself years before I realized that’s what mattered most. I’ve displayed classic codependent personality traits my entire life. I was as young as 17 when I first believed that if I fell in mutual love with the right person, everything else would stop hurting. I spent a lifetime either consciously or subconsciously making so many major life decisions based upon this underlying false belief.
When I think of it in terms of this interview, I can see a similarity between my unconscious desires and the narcissist’s: trying to recreate something we were deprived of growing up, or seeking to control a narrative in order to avoid feeling vulnerable. Yet our underlying motives are so vastly different, and in the end, that’s our shattered heart next to their blackened ones. That means in the end, our hearts can heal and theirs will continue seeking out others to feel the pulse of life.
After my narcissist was completely gone, I nearly ran headfirst into the arms of the most obviously abusive, selfish man I could find. I took comfort in the fact that he didn’t pretend to be anyone else. It was pretty sadistic, when I think about it. It was also furthering the false narrative that I needed to be with someone else in the first place. It was as if the idea of being alone was worse than an obviously abusive partner. I knew for certain that being with someone who didn’t claim to be a good person capable of selfless love was better than someone who fooled me into believing they were capable of actually caring for me. I could not stand another betrayal of that type- someone turning out to be a complete fraud, a monster behind the mask.
When I realized the only person I needed to love me was myself, I began to step towards real freedom, a true capacity for contentment. Loneliness was a prison of my own making. Yes, I need community. I need a tribe, even if only a small one. I do not need another half- a partner- I am a complete and whole person just as I am, what a concept. I’m still rewiring my brain on a daily basis, metacognition is a brilliant theory that’s taught me how to self actualize the love I looked for everywhere else for but within.
It’s a wild thing, learning, and really accepting the only person I can change is myself. It was difficult for me to come to terms with that, because I was so married to this image of myself as being broken, flawed, without worth to myself. Those are not facts, just thoughts. And thoughts can be challenged, they can be slowly replaced until those thoughts no longer dictate who I see myself as. What a concept, albeit not simple or easy. But it’s the only way forward that’s worth it, and I’m certain now it’s the only one that has a chance to succeed.
Waiting for someone else to love me enough was going to be what my entire life had been. I tried listening to my thoughts organically to the point that I only amplified them. Now I purposefully take the time to tell myself a different narrative, and I can’t believe I waited until I was nearly 52 to figure that out. Better late than never!
I hope you look back upon these 30 years with acceptance and pride in knowing enough of yourself to be cautious either way your heart and soul. I’m sorry someone hurt you that profoundly in the first place, of course. It says a lot about your resilience to be able to reflect upon that with such acceptance and understanding.
So in order to keep a narc (not you should or even really can), you essentially have to leave them to keep them from devalue/discard and getting them to technically re-idealize you. However, they’re still going repeat the cycle unless you stay gone and have no zero contact. That’s too heady for me. I don’t have the energy anymore.
Guess probably leave in the lovebombing state take what they give n leave n come back n leave again never ending😢
I believe my ex husband had narcissistic traits at times and towards the end, almost consistently. He broke me a few times, but by the end he could be screaming in my face and I would calmly ask him not to do that. The day after I left him was one of the most joyous days of my life, I was actually bouncing about telling friends how I has left him. I never felt like a victim.
I think they break you slowly, and if you remain i. Tge relatiinship, could end up dieing in vain.
This is such an eye opener. Thanks for spelling it out so clearly. I couldn't understand this pattern for so many years.
From my understanding, narcissistic individuals often result from experiences of significant suffering and abandonment. From a compassionate viewpoint, they are in dire need of assistance. How can we approach them to expedite their healing journey?my neighbor who is also my friend is the most narcissistic person I ever met and experience in the real life , horrible. It’s all about him
Watch the therapies playlist.
What an incredible interview. The last few minutes brought tears to my eyes. Sheer genius.
So if that happens to you ? What happens to the next new supply??? Does she get the same…
Watch the videos in the shared fantasy playlist.
"They co-hearse you to denounce your reality".....MY JESUS I WENT THROUGH THIS, BUT I AM STILL HERE! I made it alive.
Coerce. But I like co-hearse! LOL
I like "co-hearse" too. I do believe they rehearse their next step to combat what the other person say or do in their own minds.
Never thought I'd see this combination of people! Been listening to Azam Ali's beautiful music for ages.
Pro. Sam Vaknin, I have watched so many other different veiws, videos and opinions on Narcisseic abuse from people who were in relationships that have experienced this awful thing. Just trying to get a clear understanding of this because it's so traumatic and confusing.
Now that I have been watching your videos Pro. Vaknin, and its so Astonishing So Profound! I can Honestly say your information on this has gave me some clarity, ease some feeling and emotions on my narcissist. I will definitely still keep NO CONTACT but I Honestly feel so sorry for him. What a life to have steming from birth out of any control of your own. There is so much in this video, that explains to me what this is. I just wish I could help him. I have been knowing him since I was 15 years old. It breaks my heart. But I do know I have NO other choice but to let go! I can't go through this anymore for sure.
Thank you so much Pro. Sam Vak 1:14:24 nin..
I feel the exact same way. I’ve known him since I was 12 years old. My first boyfriend. Tragic.
👏🏽BRAVO! A very sincere thank you for shedding new and true light on the narcissist! You are absolutely brilliant, good sir! Finally empowered after 14 years of much confusion and patience. It all makes sense now. You are a blessing 💐💡💯
This hits so close to home. My ex was this man.
Brilliant! Sam, when I watch to your videos it's like like watching and listening to a symphony. You have educated me on this topic since 2015! Thank you! Forever grateful.