Well , I will add to this that: -Being late is a defense mechanism: you have had an experience of the world as an unsafe place where exteenal factors harm you. Defense: By being late people judge you, but you have control of the harmful stimuli because you are responsible for it. It is your own actions creating the harm you feel, not external factors. That makes you feel in control. - Being early feels very overwhelming, like time takes forever and you get overstimulated. Mostly because its a foreign situation. - Being late as a motivator/selfdestructive unhealthy habit: being late motivates you to work, by working harder than anyone to compensate for being late. (Unhealthy to be stressed and overcompensating) - More in the selfdestructive: I am mostly late for events which I am excited about or look forward to and really want to attend or events which are really important to me. I have been late to a funeral and other special occassions. -I do have a good sense of time, but I still dont follow it.
This is 110% me.^ the more important somethin is to me the more likely I am to be late. It doesn’t make any sense logically but somehow keeps on happening.
Yeeesss. I also think that a huge part of it (for me at least) is the anxiety that if I do change my behavior and start showing up on time or early to everything, the people around me will then expect that much more from me. Disappointing my peers is so frightening to me that I’d rather just keep them low and have more control.
Like if I’m always late to hang out with friends and we’ve remained friends for years despite it, I don’t want to risk losing those relationships just to be a little more punctual. Not logical, but very powerful.
Yes, you nailed it! I think it’s also a self sabotaging/self harming behavior for me. I feel so guilty, ashamed, worthless everytime I’m late but do it over and over. 😔 letting ppl down is such a horrible feeling. Just leaving the house can be dreadful when you have social anxiety and PTSD.
Notes on Timebender: - Wants to squeeze in one more task before finishing - Enjoys the adrenaline buzz before a time deadline (3:25) - If take away deadline, we may do nothing - We don't mind getting interrupted - We are flexible and responsive - We are adaptable 1. Hesitant to finish things, stuck on what we're doing and not want to move on (4:39) 2. Don't like to be early (like to squeeze in things) 3. Not good at measuring time 4. Fake deadlines don't work for us 5. We believe we can teleport from one task to another (5:54) 6. We are total optimists, we believe there won't be traffic, the lights will always be green, and we can always find parking 7. We do the not important stuff first until the deadline is in the face, and then we do the really important stuff very efficiently and get it done. - can be on time when it matters. Secret scale of acceptable lateness: 8:40 - opposite of time keeper 11:20 - Cannot set earlier time, won't work - Set hard time deadlines: Leave without me - Set up another task before more important task
I’ve commented on this multiple times, I keep coming back to this since it’s one of the most relatable videos I’ve ever seen. I feel stuck in a cycle where I overestimate how much time I really have and then regret leaving when I do. I tend to be a “time optimist” and it’s something I still haven’t successfully shaken.
This is all ridiculously relatable it's eerie. Her soothing voice is so reassuring, and seeing everyone else here in the comments section makes me feel like I'm not alone. It's accepting the way we are and managing what we have, and not just hopelessly trying to fit into the monolithic concept of "perfectly punctual". I personally live with "timekeepers" who are horrendously early and we clash over things that are so minute (no pun intended). And it is so true how the manipulation of starting times into false deadlines is one cause for problems. I love this video and am thankful to Miss Pacie for this enlightening message. Now I know what I am and how to deal with it.
This is so spot on. It’s like someone just read my mind- my whole being in fact. This all makes so much sense. One thing I’ve noticed, is that I am a major people pleaser as well and I am always feeling pulled in many ways at once. Somehow, being in control of my own time frame, subconsciously, helps me feel like I am in control of at least one thing in my life - my time. But that’s only just one other reason for my constant lateness. All the other things were so very well noted by this lovely speaker. My lateness has really been eating away at me lately. The guilt is getting to be too much and I am just so embarrassed of my inability to be regularly relied upon as a punctual person. And yet it continues to happen. Hopefully this will help set me on a better path. One in which I’m not always feeling guilty and ashamed.
Thanks Rhys! There's loads more I'd love you to learn in my book/ audiobook, including how to work with the positive side of our Timebending tendencies.
This hits the target.. even though I can finish task before the deadline but somehow I waited the deadline before I pass it. It feels wrong when I pass it early. She’s right.. I always meet the deadline but if I know that I can be late and no consequences involve, I’m always late.. My friend was my opposite and she encouraged me to change my ways. It’s hard at first. I constantly thinking that I might forgot something.
Made me cry because finally found someone who gets it and helped me understand. I always felt worse for being late and not being able to point the exact reason.
I was watching this while getting ready to go to see a movie at 10:25am (I try relatively hard to be there in time for the previews)... I had green lights and found a parking spot really quick (morning on a weekday at a movie theater is usually good)... I hurried to buy a ticket at ~10:27 only to find out I'd gotten the movie time wrong. I'm 18 minutes EARLY? My mind immediately started listing all the things I could have done before leaving the house... Fixing my hair, grabbing a snack for the theater (maybe make a smoothie) , filling the dishwasher, download a file I need to print later... I do really hate being early. Anyway... Everything in this video is SPOT ON. I also noticed that I finished getting dressed and went, "Okay! I'm ready to go!" and then proceeded to grab my laptop, put my shoes on, grab my planner, etc. Then even after I pulled into my parking spot, I had to hide my laptop under the seat, grab my jacket, stuff my water bottle in my purse, mark off a couple things on my to-do list, put the planner in my purse then decide I didn't really need it and take it back out... Lol. Transition time? Clearly I also do not comprehend this. Also, I need deadlines for everything or I will literally procrastinate until I die.
I have tachychronia. It's a disability. Time goes faster for me than for everyone else. It's very difficult. I have about half as much time to get things done as other people. You can imagine the state of my house. And yes, I'm late ALL the time. I am very good at being late, namely, I call whoever it is that I am late for, friends, pediatrician, etc, from the car and explain that I am late before I am actually late. This is the most thoughtful thing I can think to do. I know it is terribly rude and insensitive to keep people waiting. I feel the least I can do is call and confess my lateness so they can plan accordingly. But it is still a terrible source of stress and shame for me to be late all the time. I can only hope that I am also late for the grave.
I have bradychronia. I have twice as much time as a normal person (4 times as much as you). Everyone around me moves in slow motion apart from others with my condition. Which can get frustrating
I want to take in the factor of how parents raise their children. In the video she mentioned that her mother was always late too. I can relate to that since my mom is always late too. And as a child growing up, your parents apparently are the ones who were supposed to teach you consequences in social situations. Hard to learn if you see your parent constantly breaking promises and it all means nothing :D Unless the outside world punishes you and gives you a good reason and understanding why it is of such importance to be on time you wouldn't even know how what you do affects others. I used to always be late in elementary school. And occasionally in high school. Right now I am waiting for the pick up service to come and take me to rehab lol. I actually plan in enough time to be 15 minutes earlier nowadays. I'm so happy I was able to break the circle. But it was a long hard journey 😂
I have a HUGE problem.. I once had a 10 page/3000 word project (with a lot of research involved) assigned to me and literally started doing it a week before the deadline, resulting in working all day. I did finish it, and it was good, but I had a whole month.. I am now writing this comment and I should've already left home because I'm going to be late again....
This is me, except that I start a day before the deadline. I end up finding that actually this assignment was very easy to finish. If I had created more time for it I would have done exceptionally well.
I have time blindness related to my ADD/ADHD condition. I'm always running late but for the most part get to places on time (and out of breathe) or maybe a couple minutes late. I always like seeing the female coworkers who are either outside smoking while I'm pulling in and taking that casual look at their watch just to let me know they know I'm late! Meanwhile they haven't done ANY work for the past 30 minutes as they visited the bathroom to fix their hair AND to put on their makeup afterwards going for coffee and gossip in the lunchroom. I walk into work completely dressed including makeup and will complete more work in my first 15 minutes then they've done in 2 hours!
Thank you for articulating so much of what I’ve been struggling with most of my life. This was a major sticking point for me and my ex - he took my lateness really personally whereas I felt like I didn’t matter so much because he would ‘understand me’ and make allowances. Now I see that I need to make myself more accountable going forward and try to communicate that sometimes I find it hard being on time and need gentle help here and there
I theorize that depression and anhedonia play a role in this as well. Things we may want to do or have to do with real deadlines and consequences can be delayed by us as we go thru a self-destructive spiral of thinking we cannot improve, or that everyone will keep seeing us negatively, so we perpetuate the negative image. Or we try to squeeze other things in because the job we have is so unlikable that our aversion to it compels us to cram in anything before our commute or start time to savour our time outside of work/school even more. Not being positively motivated can play a role in us not jumping on our obligations what we must do. I highly doubt this behaviour occurs for those who are doing their dream career, and loving it each day.
Thank you so much for your valuable insight! Was trying to solve this issue for long time ! Happy that I am a Time Bender and I have these amazing quality i.e. Adaptability, Flexibility, and Responsiveness !! Thank you so much !!!
i‘m very surprised that no one in this comment section mentioned adhd… this problem is a big part of adhd and while i’m sure not everyone who struggles with being late has adhd a very large percentage might
Yeah, especially in the context that she described the lateness: messiness, inattentiveness, hyperfocus, reward seeking behaviors, lack of understanding of time and space, generally thinking you have more time than you really do. Idk it all just screams executive dysfunction when it's more than just the lateness itself. And yeah, executive dysfunction is also a part of other disorders like depression autism or traumatic brain injury but still.
Considering watches were a luxury commodity until the 20th century, I think its a bit of a stretch to expect evolution to have given everybody an innate sense of punctuality.
Wow this totally is me! I feel I have an unrealistic view of time. I also do better under pressure and always do that one more thing when I should be getting ready to leave. I believe it's a mental problem.
Just bec your late doesnt mean your a bad employee they elwas others treat laters i feel is ruder than the lateness.. Later anoynomous would be a great support group common goals. I love her positive spin and we can outwit ourselves and others. If i could look at it like a puzzle to figure out. It will not be so dounting
So sad that they are still judging base on attendance (on time or late) rather than the actual attitude and behavior at work. It takes time to judge someone base on their behavior while counting the times they are late is much faster and easier to do.
I watched this a few weeks ago and felt completely understood in that matter for the first time in my life. Even though there are many, who experience the same, there was always the question "what goes wrong??"... That was relieving. But the best is, how I realise now, that I am able to change something about it, when I really want it as I get now, where I am mistaken within the process. Wouldn't have expected it, but this TedTalk somehow changed an important bit of my life... Thanks a lot.
Some of the comments here give me great anxiety because I care 100% about the people I'm meeting, I put in a lot of effort to be on time for them but it never works out like the video described. Also, for me it's definitely not just the social gathering but everything, but I do have it worse for social gatherings because the deadline is vaguer. I always send an apologetic message to let the person I'm meeting know that I'm late so the know a bit when to expect me. I definitely care about the people I'm meeting and my surrounding honestly knows it too. Those people in the comments are definitely not empaths, or they met genuinely rude time benders but they don't sound like that to me..
Julie, my reason for writing my book and recording this talk is to give people a new look at lateness. Timebenders have positive characteristics too - we are flexible, adaptable and responsive. If we didn't exist, the world would be a more regulated and inflexible place, where no-one has time to help anyone out - unless it can be pre-planned into their schedule.
@@gracepacie4940 I don't get what you mean, I just said that I was sad about the rude comments which said that timebenders don't care about the people they're meeting, because that's not at all true
@@julievanamsterdam136 I mean, it is true. Why is your time more valuable than anyone else’s? How much life have you wasted on you? The hours may surprise you if you add them up. 15 minutes here 30 minutes there…
@@winnerdiego4562 I don't think my time is more valuable than others, I want to be on time but it never works. And what do you mean by wasting my life on me?
It was actually someone in the small TED Team who laughed. As it was lockdown, they were the only audience, but half of them turned out to be Timebenders. 🤣
I finally understood why I’m always and so happy to know that even though I can improve time management, I realized that this part of my personality and I don’t have to bit myself about it. Thank you miss Paci
Once I worked as a host at HRC Amsterdam. The busiest place you can imagine, with waiting list of 2 hrs. plus sometimes in the rush hours. The job is about balancing the throughput by syncing the approximation quoted by the 'greater' on the door, based on your estimation for given table size, with the ever evolving situation on the floor, with regards to sections and waitresses, their level of game given time, the guests already seated, their mood, size of group, cultural biases, also with the physical limits of merging tables (especially in a way that wont cause 'empty-time', waiting for others to free up around), briefly mentioning the psychological warfare on all front, from the waitress wanting slow and careful process, with selected, fine, high tipping americans :) and zero italians trying to yell-translate "mangare!!" with increasing volume, who at the time at least was overly represented... After a few month, you can tell from miles if someone is hungry, and break it down to a level, beyond my language capabilities, like a master of intuiting intention and the scale of driving force to back it up, with the obvious freaking-out-o-meter in giant red, while they are yet too far to tell apart their sexes ( these days especially lol ) ... So granted a battleground for me to play around, I slowly realized after just couple months, I am not simply enjoying this environment, but freaking killing it. I knew at a point I can became a legend here, since it simply takes just an instinctual involvement in the process of the life of this giant organism with a keen attitude of trying to beat limits of known factors, by finding 'magic' sollutions to make it bend like it should anyways ! :D Still to this day i can estimate group behavior's and their timings, instinctually and with a precision which is really not someting I could count with maths or anything... if i would be a neurologist would assume it has to do with empathy... like running a visceral simulations constantly... There was only one downside of the whole story. With my increasing self esteem in my magical ability to make the night for just a couple more weekend stoner gladiator, I was actually only able to make it to shift start about hadful of times in a 2 yrs+ period :)) And yes man the punchline is, I could even exactly tell the day it will end, due to the signals i was getting from the top managers XD Boy I was precise once more... Needles to say, I am time bender from birth... I was even born late , like many days later then should have
Just missed a meeting and was about to go into a spiral and then found this. This is what happens especially in my neurodivergent mind; I’m gonna rewatch this again and again.
I love you. Punctual people will never understand. Not even a little. Once I do get to work I do a better job than anyone. But that won’t matter to someone just analyzing the time cards. I also haven’t missed a shift in about 5 years. Perfect attendance, but I get there at the last second when I’m the only one working and about 5-20min late if someone is already there. It’s really been a nightmare in my life. I’ve lost every job because of this. Luckily right now I have a job that has tolerated this for the last 7 years. But now they’re cracking down and I need to somehow convince them to allow this behavior. My wife is exactly the same. It’s so frustrating for both of us and everyone in our lives. I hate it.
I can’t even be on time for flights, funerals or weddings 🥲 when I lived in Tanzania, time didn’t really matter, it was such a nice change to our punctual western society.
My wife has it so bad that our friends and relatives have started asking me to tell her that events start thirty minutes before they really do to get my wife there on time.
This is fascinating, as I seem to have the opposite problem. I am a time-keeper. Often I am fully dressed, packed and prepared, ready to walk out the door a FULL HOUR before I leave in the morning (and I leave so that I get to work 30 minutes early). I am TERRIFIED of the anxiety that I get from being late. I am so terrified of it that I go to extreme lengths to avoid it, like sitting around for an hour, wasting time, simply waiting to leave. This is well known among my friends, and I am often given an arrival time 30 minutes later than others just so that I don't show up painfully early. So, because most of my friends are time-benders, THEY change the arrival/deadline time on ME. I'm fine with it.
But I also feel the same way about being on time for yourself as well. I think a lot of me being late is also not being prepared for me---showing up for a really important person. I think although I want to show up for other people it's hard to show up for them at times when you don't have everything altogether for you. And I've heard that "We don't think other people's time is important." I definitely don't look at it this way at all. I think it's shoving everyone else's priorities in front of my own (people pleasing) and being lackadaisical with my own desires. Everything else was spot on!
I find it interesting that the people who are "never late" are here making chiding comments. First, I don't think the average "time bender" (that's a new term for me 😅) enjoys being late. Second, I've noticed that most, if not all of my closest friends are timekeepers, yet they don't hesitate to call me when they need help with something, to meet for a meal or just to get away from their stressful environments. Being flexible and easy going has it's benefits. Yes, we should try to be on time, but we think you "timekeepers" should relax a little 🤷.
Phebe T you're so right! Nobody speaks up for the Timebenders, or try to understand WHY we are late. They are just determined to express their annoyance. Give us a break, maybe.
Yeah, and most of those comments are basically yelling and scolding chronically late people as "believing their time is more valuable than theirs" I'm honestly surprised passive aggression wasn't brought up at all in the talk. I know for me it plays a big role in why I'm chronically late for meeting with certain people and work and not for other occasions. That's not necessarily saying I think my time is more important. It's more like "I feel too powerless to say no in this situation out of fear of explosive conflict".
Why should I as a business owner have to cater to a person that doesn’t prioritize being on time? The effects on productivity, scheduling, and efficiency are a huge problem. If I have 3 employees waiting for one to leave to a job, who should pay for the wages of the employees that are non-productive while waiting for the late one? It’s inconsiderate and rude!
I'm always getting to work at my starting time. This is both annoyoing to myself and my co-workers. But on the same token, my managers tell me to be 15mns early dressed and ready to go. Yet, we don't get paid until the starting time. I think that subconsciously put a dull on my sense of urgency. But any other event, that doesn't require structure I can be there no problem.
If these time benders could switch places with us who are always on time and wait for us each time for 30-50 minutes, they might treat it differently and actually tried to fix it instead of finding excuses and feeling sorry. World doesn't wait for anyone, no matter how special or talented you are, as simple as that.
I get really anxious about being late and sometimes even start to panic. My pulse is so high in the morning when I try to get to school. It wouldn't be that simple. I care about the people around me a lot and feel bad for them when they need to wait for me.
Perhaps you should read her book on Time benders. There's a section on learning how to cope. Also you may want to travel to a place where there's more time bending present (possibly a polychronic culture). You may find it inefficient and frustrating but you realize that time is not the priority and it'll encourage you to question what is valuable to that place/culture.
i genuinely think i am the only person like this in my school who is like this bc i rarely see ppl have this prpblem. Alot of the points she pointed out, i do agree with them whicj does feel reassuring
I think I got so used to people being late when I'm punctual. I feel like this caused me to assume the other person will be about 5 to 10 minutes late. I guess I will just try to be early and play chess on my phone from now on.
I found this video bc I'm trying to figure out why I'm late for work every. Single. Day. I was over 30 mins late today. I looked up this video on the way but I only got 2:37 into it before I arrived. So I'm going to watch it later. I sure hope it helps me. I will never leave this job bc I would have gotten fired years ago at any other job. I've been working here for over a decade. I've been on time maybe 5 times. MAYBE. That's probably stretching it. It's embarrassing and it makes me hate myself
For me, it's having to juggle several tasks at once, when you're talented, everyone wants the benefit of your talent and when you need the bucks it makes it even worse. I have learnt to reduce and streamline my commitments. Integrity and a good name is also very important
I am a time keeper...I came here because I'm a praise and worship leader and my team is ALWAYS late and some don't seem to notice or care that it upsets me because I do not like to wing it. They are all very good friends of mine that I grew up with and some are family..which makes it hard because I truly love them all. This video was super helpful! I am going to make deadlines such as starting even if I'm the only one there and if your 30 minutes late you have to sit. I'm sure it will upset some...and I HATE conflict. But if this works....I will be extatic!
I have an idea for you. What if... you set a time for everyone else, like 6:00 p.m. And you show up 10 minutes later. They will think you are the late one, lol.
This video deserves so much views. Very informative and comforting for people like us. I felt guilty too as I always take my loved ones for granted as I am always late. My ex of 9 yrs cited this as one of the reasons he got tired of loving me. I wasnt diagnosed yet but is there a big chance Ms. Gracie that this bad habit of ours is due to ADHD? 😢
The deep subconscious truth for people who are habitually late is that they don't respect other people's time. They think whatever they are doing is more important than showing up to anything on time. Don't make excuses just own up to it. The mindset I have for being on time is that I actually care deeply about getting somewhere on time. Before the event happens I plan ahead to see how long it would take me to get there and account extra for traffic and parking. All it takes is having the right attitude and believing it's important to be on time. The people who are always late just don't really believe being on time is important to them.
I don't think that's necessarily true. They just don't value being exactly on time as much as time who are punctual do. If you have to tell the same person over and over again to be on time if it's important to you, sure, then that person knows the effect being late has on you and is choosing not to value that. Otherwise, I think assuming the other person is late because they think their time is more important is just going to escalate conflict in a situation that really just needs a conversation to clarify expectations.
When people don't go along with what you expect them to do you say they aren't respectful. As a timebender it's much more than that. For whatever reason you might believe... We are really wired that way. We need the adrenaline. Why is that? I don't know. The next time you have forgotten to do something you might get hold of a person that's strict and has no wiggle room. Timebender's are necessary. Without them... Even your life wouldn't be so pleasant.
Time bending isn't an exclusive thing to people who are late. Set alarms. Get ready the day before. More clocks. Keep food in your handbag...leave early. I don't believe in this at all.
Not true. It’s physically and mentally very difficult for me to get ready and get out the door. It takes a lot of effort. Sometimes I’ll sit on my bed for 10 minutes, knowing I have to get dressed and knowing I don’t have time to sit there, and yet I can’t find the energy/motivation to get up. Stop taking someone being late as a personal offense. It may have been hard for them to get there at all. They probably feel badly about being late, but it was the best they could do and hope someone who’s their friend won’t hold it against them.
@@marysmith861 I don't mean if there is an occasional incident in which someone is late. I mean people who are never on time to formal things. Casual get togethers are ok, but if you work somewhere and work the opening shift, being on time is important. Imagine someone needs to stop by a business in the morning before work and they expect it to be open on time. Then the person opening is late and that causes a chain reaction for people to wait for the person and now they are late for their own jobs. People will complain about someone not opening a business on time when it suits them then give themselves an excuse to be late because they don't think about the other people.
If you're going to be late, and we know you are, text and let people know before. For me it makes all the difference, knowing in advance that you'll be 15min late will allow me the time to empty the dishwasher! lol
When she said he squeez in one task even when we are late, I can relate so much.
Well , I will add to this that:
-Being late is a defense mechanism: you have had an experience of the world as an unsafe place where exteenal factors harm you. Defense: By being late people judge you, but you have control of the harmful stimuli because you are responsible for it. It is your own actions creating the harm you feel, not external factors. That makes you feel in control.
- Being early feels very overwhelming, like time takes forever and you get overstimulated. Mostly because its a foreign situation.
- Being late as a motivator/selfdestructive unhealthy habit: being late motivates you to work, by working harder than anyone to compensate for being late. (Unhealthy to be stressed and overcompensating)
- More in the selfdestructive: I am mostly late for events which I am excited about or look forward to and really want to attend or events which are really important to me. I have been late to a funeral and other special occassions.
-I do have a good sense of time, but I still dont follow it.
This is 110% me.^ the more important somethin is to me the more likely I am to be late. It doesn’t make any sense logically but somehow keeps on happening.
Yeeesss. I also think that a huge part of it (for me at least) is the anxiety that if I do change my behavior and start showing up on time or early to everything, the people around me will then expect that much more from me. Disappointing my peers is so frightening to me that I’d rather just keep them low and have more control.
Like if I’m always late to hang out with friends and we’ve remained friends for years despite it, I don’t want to risk losing those relationships just to be a little more punctual. Not logical, but very powerful.
Yes, you nailed it! I think it’s also a self sabotaging/self harming behavior for me. I feel so guilty, ashamed, worthless everytime I’m late but do it over and over. 😔 letting ppl down is such a horrible feeling. Just leaving the house can be dreadful when you have social anxiety and PTSD.
😢
Notes on Timebender:
- Wants to squeeze in one more task before finishing
- Enjoys the adrenaline buzz before a time deadline (3:25)
- If take away deadline, we may do nothing
- We don't mind getting interrupted
- We are flexible and responsive
- We are adaptable
1. Hesitant to finish things, stuck on what we're doing and not want to move on (4:39)
2. Don't like to be early (like to squeeze in things)
3. Not good at measuring time
4. Fake deadlines don't work for us
5. We believe we can teleport from one task to another (5:54)
6. We are total optimists, we believe there won't be traffic, the lights will always be green, and we can always find parking
7. We do the not important stuff first until the deadline is in the face, and then we do the really important stuff very efficiently and get it done.
- can be on time when it matters. Secret scale of acceptable lateness: 8:40
- opposite of time keeper 11:20
- Cannot set earlier time, won't work
- Set hard time deadlines: Leave without me
- Set up another task before more important task
I’m embarrassed this defines me to the T
I've never met you and you suddenly know me to my core. I'm a bit shocked 😲
She describes my whole personality about time..
This sounds A LOT like ADHD.
did you wrote this while beeing late for something
I feel so exposed. But it’s finally clear...I have a super power
Hahaha
Hehehehe let's make a superlate patrol! 😂😂 anyone wanna join?
I’ve commented on this multiple times, I keep coming back to this since it’s one of the most relatable videos I’ve ever seen. I feel stuck in a cycle where I overestimate how much time I really have and then regret leaving when I do. I tend to be a “time optimist” and it’s something I still haven’t successfully shaken.
Was crying through the whole presentation, that’s a real struggle for me. Thank you for this video
This is all ridiculously relatable it's eerie. Her soothing voice is so reassuring, and seeing everyone else here in the comments section makes me feel like I'm not alone. It's accepting the way we are and managing what we have, and not just hopelessly trying to fit into the monolithic concept of "perfectly punctual".
I personally live with "timekeepers" who are horrendously early and we clash over things that are so minute (no pun intended). And it is so true how the manipulation of starting times into false deadlines is one cause for problems. I love this video and am thankful to Miss Pacie for this enlightening message. Now I know what I am and how to deal with it.
I have never been late. You chronic lack of punctuality is an issue of integrity and management. Don’t just accept that
This is so accurate that it scares me. It’s like we’re living the same lives
I think this woman has been following me all my life and making notes. Scary.
This is so spot on. It’s like someone just read my mind- my whole being in fact. This all makes so much sense.
One thing I’ve noticed, is that I am a major people pleaser as well and I am always feeling pulled in many ways at once. Somehow, being in control of my own time frame, subconsciously, helps me feel like I am in control of at least one thing in my life - my time.
But that’s only just one other reason for my constant lateness. All the other things were so very well noted by this lovely speaker.
My lateness has really been eating away at me lately. The guilt is getting to be too much and I am just so embarrassed of my inability to be regularly relied upon as a punctual person.
And yet it continues to happen.
Hopefully this will help set me on a better path. One in which I’m not always feeling guilty and ashamed.
This woman’s amazing, fully explained my issue
Thanks Rhys! There's loads more I'd love you to learn in my book/ audiobook, including how to work with the positive side of our Timebending tendencies.
This hits the target.. even though I can finish task before the deadline but somehow I waited the deadline before I pass it. It feels wrong when I pass it early. She’s right.. I always meet the deadline but if I know that I can be late and no consequences involve, I’m always late..
My friend was my opposite and she encouraged me to change my ways. It’s hard at first. I constantly thinking that I might forgot something.
Made me cry because finally found someone who gets it and helped me understand. I always felt worse for being late and not being able to point the exact reason.
Hi Dominique, Please don't cry - you're not alone! Come and join us in the Fb Group "Not Late But Timebending".
you should consider getting tested for adhd
I
I
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Finally someone that gets it!!
I was watching this while getting ready to go to see a movie at 10:25am (I try relatively hard to be there in time for the previews)... I had green lights and found a parking spot really quick (morning on a weekday at a movie theater is usually good)... I hurried to buy a ticket at ~10:27 only to find out I'd gotten the movie time wrong. I'm 18 minutes EARLY? My mind immediately started listing all the things I could have done before leaving the house... Fixing my hair, grabbing a snack for the theater (maybe make a smoothie) , filling the dishwasher, download a file I need to print later... I do really hate being early.
Anyway... Everything in this video is SPOT ON. I also noticed that I finished getting dressed and went, "Okay! I'm ready to go!" and then proceeded to grab my laptop, put my shoes on, grab my planner, etc. Then even after I pulled into my parking spot, I had to hide my laptop under the seat, grab my jacket, stuff my water bottle in my purse, mark off a couple things on my to-do list, put the planner in my purse then decide I didn't really need it and take it back out... Lol. Transition time? Clearly I also do not comprehend this.
Also, I need deadlines for everything or I will literally procrastinate until I die.
U’re talking about me???👀🧐 😅😝✌🏻
I have tachychronia. It's a disability. Time goes faster for me than for everyone else. It's very difficult. I have about half as much time to get things done as other people. You can imagine the state of my house. And yes, I'm late ALL the time. I am very good at being late, namely, I call whoever it is that I am late for, friends, pediatrician, etc, from the car and explain that I am late before I am actually late. This is the most thoughtful thing I can think to do. I know it is terribly rude and insensitive to keep people waiting. I feel the least I can do is call and confess my lateness so they can plan accordingly. But it is still a terrible source of stress and shame for me to be late all the time. I can only hope that I am also late for the grave.
Even my therapist couldn't help. She just said, "Some people just can't figure out how Time works."
Sigh.
😔 I feel you! I also struggle greatly with this... and even when I am on time I'm NEVER as early as I would like to be.
What is tachychronia? I can't find it anywhere. However, I did find tachycardia.
I have bradychronia. I have twice as much time as a normal person (4 times as much as you). Everyone around me moves in slow motion apart from others with my condition. Which can get frustrating
@@isaaconeill6226 huh
I truly appreciate that you fought back on our behalf at the end
I can’t tell how every damn point she made is 100% accurate!
Thank you for this
I want to take in the factor of how parents raise their children. In the video she mentioned that her mother was always late too. I can relate to that since my mom is always late too. And as a child growing up, your parents apparently are the ones who were supposed to teach you consequences in social situations. Hard to learn if you see your parent constantly breaking promises and it all means nothing :D
Unless the outside world punishes you and gives you a good reason and understanding why it is of such importance to be on time you wouldn't even know how what you do affects others.
I used to always be late in elementary school. And occasionally in high school.
Right now I am waiting for the pick up service to come and take me to rehab lol. I actually plan in enough time to be 15 minutes earlier nowadays.
I'm so happy I was able to break the circle. But it was a long hard journey 😂
Same here
I have a HUGE problem.. I once had a 10 page/3000 word project (with a lot of research involved) assigned to me and literally started doing it a week before the deadline, resulting in working all day. I did finish it, and it was good, but I had a whole month.. I am now writing this comment and I should've already left home because I'm going to be late again....
I am the same way except I attempt to finish it the night before and it never works out lol. At least you allow yourself a week
How about started working 3 hours before deadline
This is me, except that I start a day before the deadline. I end up finding that actually this assignment was very easy to finish. If I had created more time for it I would have done exceptionally well.
Sameeeeeee
😂😂😂
OMG this is Amazing! It feels like she’s talking about me LOL
We're great at task as time benders. Thank you for telling our lives. What I hate is passing it on to my children. Working hard at being a time keeper
I have time blindness related to my ADD/ADHD condition. I'm always running late but for the most part get to places on time (and out of breathe) or maybe a couple minutes late. I always like seeing the female coworkers who are either outside smoking while I'm pulling in and taking that casual look at their watch just to let me know they know I'm late! Meanwhile they haven't done ANY work for the past 30 minutes as they visited the bathroom to fix their hair AND to put on their makeup afterwards going for coffee and gossip in the lunchroom.
I walk into work completely dressed including makeup and will complete more work in my first 15 minutes then they've done in 2 hours!
Almost agree to everything she said Thank you Ma'am for the great insight ,i can totally relate.
Thank you for articulating so much of what I’ve been struggling with most of my life. This was a major sticking point for me and my ex - he took my lateness really personally whereas I felt like I didn’t matter so much because he would ‘understand me’ and make allowances. Now I see that I need to make myself more accountable going forward and try to communicate that sometimes I find it hard being on time and need gentle help here and there
I theorize that depression and anhedonia play a role in this as well. Things we may want to do or have to do with real deadlines and consequences can be delayed by us as we go thru a self-destructive spiral of thinking we cannot improve, or that everyone will keep seeing us negatively, so we perpetuate the negative image. Or we try to squeeze other things in because the job we have is so unlikable that our aversion to it compels us to cram in anything before our commute or start time to savour our time outside of work/school even more. Not being positively motivated can play a role in us not jumping on our obligations what we must do. I highly doubt this behaviour occurs for those who are doing their dream career, and loving it each day.
Thank you so much for your valuable insight! Was trying to solve this issue for long time ! Happy that I am a Time Bender and I have these amazing quality i.e. Adaptability, Flexibility, and Responsiveness !! Thank you so much !!!
Finally someone I can relate to! She knows me so well lol !
i‘m very surprised that no one in this comment section mentioned adhd… this problem is a big part of adhd and while i’m sure not everyone who struggles with being late has adhd a very large percentage might
Yeah, especially in the context that she described the lateness: messiness, inattentiveness, hyperfocus, reward seeking behaviors, lack of understanding of time and space, generally thinking you have more time than you really do. Idk it all just screams executive dysfunction when it's more than just the lateness itself. And yeah, executive dysfunction is also a part of other disorders like depression autism or traumatic brain injury but still.
Yes, really. As an ADHD person, I am late for work frequently and weak at number..
I thought the same thing! I always saw this as a symptom of my adhd
Yep, ADHD here, and this is so accurate
Considering watches were a luxury commodity until the 20th century, I think its a bit of a stretch to expect evolution to have given everybody an innate sense of punctuality.
Great thought!!
Wow that’s awesome
Thank you for taking a passion about this problem
Wow this totally is me! I feel I have an unrealistic view of time. I also do better under pressure and always do that one more thing when I should be getting ready to leave. I believe it's a mental problem.
This is so relatable! I am always LATE. no matter how hard I try, I can never be on time. I also, hate to be the early one!
Just bec your late doesnt mean your a bad employee they elwas others treat laters i feel is ruder than the lateness.. Later anoynomous would be a great support group common goals. I love her positive spin and we can outwit ourselves and others. If i could look at it like a puzzle to figure out. It will not be so dounting
So sad that they are still judging base on attendance (on time or late) rather than the actual attitude and behavior at work. It takes time to judge someone base on their behavior while counting the times they are late is much faster and easier to do.
Oh my somebody who understands
I’m scared of the clock as well!
I watched this a few weeks ago and felt completely understood in that matter for the first time in my life. Even though there are many, who experience the same, there was always the question "what goes wrong??"... That was relieving. But the best is, how I realise now, that I am able to change something about it, when I really want it as I get now, where I am mistaken within the process. Wouldn't have expected it, but this TedTalk somehow changed an important bit of my life... Thanks a lot.
Some of the comments here give me great anxiety because I care 100% about the people I'm meeting, I put in a lot of effort to be on time for them but it never works out like the video described. Also, for me it's definitely not just the social gathering but everything, but I do have it worse for social gatherings because the deadline is vaguer.
I always send an apologetic message to let the person I'm meeting know that I'm late so the know a bit when to expect me. I definitely care about the people I'm meeting and my surrounding honestly knows it too.
Those people in the comments are definitely not empaths, or they met genuinely rude time benders but they don't sound like that to me..
Julie, my reason for writing my book and recording this talk is to give people a new look at lateness. Timebenders have positive characteristics too - we are flexible, adaptable and responsive. If we didn't exist, the world would be a more regulated and inflexible place, where no-one has time to help anyone out - unless it can be pre-planned into their schedule.
@@gracepacie4940 I don't get what you mean, I just said that I was sad about the rude comments which said that timebenders don't care about the people they're meeting, because that's not at all true
@@julievanamsterdam136 I mean, it is true. Why is your time more valuable than anyone else’s? How much life have you wasted on you? The hours may surprise you if you add them up. 15 minutes here 30 minutes there…
@@winnerdiego4562 I don't think my time is more valuable than others, I want to be on time but it never works. And what do you mean by wasting my life on me?
"They didn't seem to understand my problem..."
Finally someone that understands
Her laugh right at the end made my night. I shud really be sleeping though think m late again.
It was actually someone in the small TED Team who laughed. As it was lockdown, they were the only audience, but half of them turned out to be Timebenders. 🤣
This is the most relatable video I watched in a long while. Thank you.
Lateness is about finishing. Wow!
I finally understood why I’m always and so happy to know that even though I can improve time management, I realized that this part of my personality and I don’t have to bit myself about it. Thank you miss Paci
Once I worked as a host at HRC Amsterdam. The busiest place you can imagine, with waiting list of 2 hrs. plus sometimes in the rush hours. The job is about balancing the throughput by syncing the approximation quoted by the 'greater' on the door, based on your estimation for given table size, with the ever evolving situation on the floor, with regards to sections and waitresses, their level of game given time, the guests already seated, their mood, size of group, cultural biases, also with the physical limits of merging tables (especially in a way that wont cause 'empty-time', waiting for others to free up around), briefly mentioning the psychological warfare on all front, from the waitress wanting slow and careful process, with selected, fine, high tipping americans :) and zero italians trying to yell-translate "mangare!!" with increasing volume, who at the time at least was overly represented... After a few month, you can tell from miles if someone is hungry, and break it down to a level, beyond my language capabilities, like a master of intuiting intention and the scale of driving force to back it up, with the obvious freaking-out-o-meter in giant red, while they are yet too far to tell apart their sexes ( these days especially lol ) ... So granted a battleground for me to play around, I slowly realized after just couple months, I am not simply enjoying this environment, but freaking killing it. I knew at a point I can became a legend here, since it simply takes just an instinctual involvement in the process of the life of this giant organism with a keen attitude of trying to beat limits of known factors, by finding 'magic' sollutions to make it bend like it should anyways ! :D Still to this day i can estimate group behavior's and their timings, instinctually and with a precision which is really not someting I could count with maths or anything... if i would be a neurologist would assume it has to do with empathy... like running a visceral simulations constantly...
There was only one downside of the whole story. With my increasing self esteem in my magical ability to make the night for just a couple more weekend stoner gladiator, I was actually only able to make it to shift start about hadful of times in a 2 yrs+ period :)) And yes man the punchline is, I could even exactly tell the day it will end, due to the signals i was getting from the top managers XD Boy I was precise once more...
Needles to say, I am time bender from birth... I was even born late , like many days later then should have
Just missed a meeting and was about to go into a spiral and then found this. This is what happens especially in my neurodivergent mind; I’m gonna rewatch this again and again.
Brilliant! Thank you! Love the pre event activity idea!!!
Wow. Thank you.
I love you. Punctual people will never understand. Not even a little. Once I do get to work I do a better job than anyone. But that won’t matter to someone just analyzing the time cards.
I also haven’t missed a shift in about 5 years. Perfect attendance, but I get there at the last second when I’m the only one working and about 5-20min late if someone is already there.
It’s really been a nightmare in my life. I’ve lost every job because of this. Luckily right now I have a job that has tolerated this for the last 7 years. But now they’re cracking down and I need to somehow convince them to allow this behavior. My wife is exactly the same. It’s so frustrating for both of us and everyone in our lives. I hate it.
No because we end up having to answer for you.
I never thought someone who give such a clear exact summary of myself in such 15 min.
This describes my lifelong issue
I don’t have a late problem. But I understand not wanting to be too early. Because then I’m the one waiting around and it feels like a waste of time.
Find something better to do.
This speech was beautiful
I can’t even be on time for flights, funerals or weddings 🥲 when I lived in Tanzania, time didn’t really matter, it was such a nice change to our punctual western society.
My wife has it so bad that our friends and relatives have started asking me to tell her that events start thirty minutes before they really do to get my wife there on time.
Tudo fez sentido na minha vida agora
This is fascinating, as I seem to have the opposite problem. I am a time-keeper. Often I am fully dressed, packed and prepared, ready to walk out the door a FULL HOUR before I leave in the morning (and I leave so that I get to work 30 minutes early). I am TERRIFIED of the anxiety that I get from being late. I am so terrified of it that I go to extreme lengths to avoid it, like sitting around for an hour, wasting time, simply waiting to leave.
This is well known among my friends, and I am often given an arrival time 30 minutes later than others just so that I don't show up painfully early. So, because most of my friends are time-benders, THEY change the arrival/deadline time on ME. I'm fine with it.
This woman gets it!
6:58
Oh snap, she's right. I've got to stop looking at my phone first thing in the morning.
So true !
This helped so much. Being a timekeeper in a relationship with a time bender is really hard
I know this was 2 months ago but... Are there things you do to help the time bender be on time?
Like have their clothes laid out for them, etc.?
Oh my Gosh i am a time keeper and yes these people get on my nerves but now i guess i understand them.
But I also feel the same way about being on time for yourself as well. I think a lot of me being late is also not being prepared for me---showing up for a really important person. I think although I want to show up for other people it's hard to show up for them at times when you don't have everything altogether for you. And I've heard that "We don't think other people's time is important." I definitely don't look at it this way at all. I think it's shoving everyone else's priorities in front of my own (people pleasing) and being lackadaisical with my own desires. Everything else was spot on!
I find it interesting that the people who are "never late" are here making chiding comments. First, I don't think the average "time bender" (that's a new term for me 😅) enjoys being late. Second, I've noticed that most, if not all of my closest friends are timekeepers, yet they don't hesitate to call me when they need help with something, to meet for a meal or just to get away from their stressful environments. Being flexible and easy going has it's benefits. Yes, we should try to be on time, but we think you "timekeepers" should relax a little 🤷.
Phebe T you're so right! Nobody speaks up for the Timebenders, or try to understand WHY we are late. They are just determined to express their annoyance. Give us a break, maybe.
@@teresamoon8197 Amen 😄
Yeah, and most of those comments are basically yelling and scolding chronically late people as "believing their time is more valuable than theirs"
I'm honestly surprised passive aggression wasn't brought up at all in the talk. I know for me it plays a big role in why I'm chronically late for meeting with certain people and work and not for other occasions.
That's not necessarily saying I think my time is more important. It's more like "I feel too powerless to say no in this situation out of fear of explosive conflict".
Why should I as a business owner have to cater to a person that doesn’t prioritize being on time? The effects on productivity, scheduling, and efficiency are a huge problem. If I have 3 employees waiting for one to leave to a job, who should pay for the wages of the employees that are non-productive while waiting for the late one? It’s inconsiderate and rude!
Time Bender by Tijn Houben (Spiritual book)
Thank you so much Grace x 1111! You're a World Changer :)
Never related so much in my lifeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woah
Great advice. I was such a fan of Frank Gilbreth, the father in Cheaper by the Dozen.
i suddenly know what my problem is,thx grace pacie!
Amazing! Thanks!
Listening to this as I'm running late LOL thank you spot on actually all of those things are true so far halfway through K Love ya
I'm always getting to work at my starting time. This is both annoyoing to myself and my co-workers. But on the same token, my managers tell me to be 15mns early dressed and ready to go. Yet, we don't get paid until the starting time. I think that subconsciously put a dull on my sense of urgency. But any other event, that doesn't require structure I can be there no problem.
True about not getting paid for being early lol
If these time benders could switch places with us who are always on time and wait for us each time for 30-50 minutes, they might treat it differently and actually tried to fix it instead of finding excuses and feeling sorry. World doesn't wait for anyone, no matter how special or talented you are, as simple as that.
I get really anxious about being late and sometimes even start to panic. My pulse is so high in the morning when I try to get to school. It wouldn't be that simple. I care about the people around me a lot and feel bad for them when they need to wait for me.
Perhaps you should read her book on Time benders. There's a section on learning how to cope. Also you may want to travel to a place where there's more time bending present (possibly a polychronic culture). You may find it inefficient and frustrating but you realize that time is not the priority and it'll encourage you to question what is valuable to that place/culture.
i genuinely think i am the only person like this in my school who is like this bc i rarely see ppl have this prpblem. Alot of the points she pointed out, i do agree with them whicj does feel reassuring
I think I got so used to people being late when I'm punctual. I feel like this caused me to assume the other person will be about 5 to 10 minutes late. I guess I will just try to be early and play chess on my phone from now on.
This is a problem I have struggled with my whole life.
WOW!!! I felt very seen.
This is me! ❤
I can’t believe I slept while listing to this 😂 😢… like I can’t even manage to keep time and watch it
My tribe!!
I found this video bc I'm trying to figure out why I'm late for work every. Single. Day. I was over 30 mins late today. I looked up this video on the way but I only got 2:37 into it before I arrived. So I'm going to watch it later. I sure hope it helps me. I will never leave this job bc I would have gotten fired years ago at any other job. I've been working here for over a decade. I've been on time maybe 5 times. MAYBE. That's probably stretching it. It's embarrassing and it makes me hate myself
For me, it's having to juggle several tasks at once, when you're talented, everyone wants the benefit of your talent and when you need the bucks it makes it even worse. I have learnt to reduce and streamline my commitments. Integrity and a good name is also very important
So, basically you say no to things you don't want to do?
@@marysmith861 exactly, especially when they are of less importance
Finally found someone that understands me
I am a time keeper...I came here because I'm a praise and worship leader and my team is ALWAYS late and some don't seem to notice or care that it upsets me because I do not like to wing it. They are all very good friends of mine that I grew up with and some are family..which makes it hard because I truly love them all. This video was super helpful! I am going to make deadlines such as starting even if I'm the only one there and if your 30 minutes late you have to sit. I'm sure it will upset some...and I HATE conflict. But if this works....I will be extatic!
I have an idea for you. What if... you set a time for everyone else, like 6:00 p.m. And you show up 10 minutes later. They will think you are the late one, lol.
Very good feedback and spot on. The only thing is that your body language and gesticulating goes ahead your words... that challenges my brain
i'm not sure ive ever felt this seen before
This timebending problem has actually caused me to suspect if I’ve had adhd all along.
This^^^^
Me too. My kid keeps telling me I have ADHD, but I have struggled to accept that. I am a timebender to a t.
Me too. I want to get tested feel like I might have it cause chronic lateness is so disappointing for me :(.
I’m not alone 😅😅
This video deserves so much views. Very informative and comforting for people like us. I felt guilty too as I always take my loved ones for granted as I am always late. My ex of 9 yrs cited this as one of the reasons he got tired of loving me. I wasnt diagnosed yet but is there a big chance Ms. Gracie that this bad habit of ours is due to ADHD? 😢
You understand me!
Very true...
I think all of us Time benders need to come together to make a clan! XD
We’ll all be late😂
The deep subconscious truth for people who are habitually late is that they don't respect other people's time. They think whatever they are doing is more important than showing up to anything on time. Don't make excuses just own up to it. The mindset I have for being on time is that I actually care deeply about getting somewhere on time. Before the event happens I plan ahead to see how long it would take me to get there and account extra for traffic and parking. All it takes is having the right attitude and believing it's important to be on time. The people who are always late just don't really believe being on time is important to them.
I don't think that's necessarily true. They just don't value being exactly on time as much as time who are punctual do.
If you have to tell the same person over and over again to be on time if it's important to you, sure, then that person knows the effect being late has on you and is choosing not to value that.
Otherwise, I think assuming the other person is late because they think their time is more important is just going to escalate conflict in a situation that really just needs a conversation to clarify expectations.
When people don't go along with what you expect them to do you say they aren't respectful. As a timebender it's much more than that. For whatever reason you might believe... We are really wired that way. We need the adrenaline. Why is that? I don't know. The next time you have forgotten to do something you might get hold of a person that's strict and has no wiggle room. Timebender's are necessary. Without them... Even your life wouldn't be so pleasant.
Time bending isn't an exclusive thing to people who are late.
Set alarms. Get ready the day before. More clocks. Keep food in your handbag...leave early.
I don't believe in this at all.
Not true. It’s physically and mentally very difficult for me to get ready and get out the door. It takes a lot of effort. Sometimes I’ll sit on my bed for 10 minutes, knowing I have to get dressed and knowing I don’t have time to sit there, and yet I can’t find the energy/motivation to get up. Stop taking someone being late as a personal offense. It may have been hard for them to get there at all. They probably feel badly about being late, but it was the best they could do and hope someone who’s their friend won’t hold it against them.
@@marysmith861 I don't mean if there is an occasional incident in which someone is late. I mean people who are never on time to formal things. Casual get togethers are ok, but if you work somewhere and work the opening shift, being on time is important. Imagine someone needs to stop by a business in the morning before work and they expect it to be open on time. Then the person opening is late and that causes a chain reaction for people to wait for the person and now they are late for their own jobs. People will complain about someone not opening a business on time when it suits them then give themselves an excuse to be late because they don't think about the other people.
If you're going to be late, and we know you are, text and let people know before. For me it makes all the difference, knowing in advance that you'll be 15min late will allow me the time to empty the dishwasher! lol
I’m even late for flights and funerals, today I got a written warning at work
My job is really important to me
This is soooooooo goood speach
I am always late 😅
Also was researching it, till i came across this video
Ive been late to the extreme. Such as hours late. This made sense to me
I've been late to every job and every day of my life. Even been late to court and was sent to jail. I'll be late to my own funeral. 😭
Totally me.
My dad is a timekeeper and my mom a timebender. I've got traits of both. 😅