That’s not entirely true in my opinion. We will always fear loss as a social species who attaches to those we love. I’m someone who needs alone time and was single and content for 6 years until I wanted to date again. But it doesn’t mean I don’t fear losing people I love
@@breatheliveandthrive7404 I don't entirely agree. While I've spent years with no partners and just a few close friends and in peace with my own company, I have a very committed relationship right now and even though I do not fear being alone again (if something in my relationship were to go wrong) I do fear losing what we've built together. I think that mindset of always thinking about the impermanence of things is a defense mechanism that comes out of the same fear of loss. Why would you constantly remind yourself that you can lose it all if not to protect you from the posibility of such loss? I believe in fully commiting to my decisions and always deciding to put my faith in what I am doing, even if it means being at risk of ending up getting hurt. What's the point of living if we're unwilling to fully experience life?
I relate to this so well, me and my ex broke up a few weeks ago and although I’m in a deep amount of pain from the breakup I am relieved in other aspects I’m terms of my mental well being
"then they can have it" what a beautiful line! especially about relationships. a partner who cheats and gets easily swayed by other people is not worth having in the first place. he ce jealousy is not a very useful emotion, either we are wrong and overthink unnecessarily. or we are right and the only way to find out whether we are right or not is to completely let go of control! your partner should WANT to stay with you because they love you, and not because you are jealous and vigilant and don't give them a chance to cheat
Always remember just because your in a relationship does not mean you own the person. Nothing in this world is actually ours, let it be free and if it leaves or betrays you it was never for you in the first place
Those last lines "coz when u realise that the someone u care about, is wanted by others, you get to be their prize, you get to be the one they choose" were BAM.. on the spot!
i wish i had this video to show my friend while she was in a toxic and emotionally/financially abusive relationship. one of my girl friends was dating one of my former guy friends and he was always shielding her from other guys she was friends with. now she's out of that relationship thank goodness
I have an odd experience with jealousy in my last relationship... About 7 months in, he started to get impatient, annoyed and angry at me frequently, but I would notice him being very nice to others... What's worse is whenever I try to communicate my needs, he makes it an issue of me being mistrusting and insecure, but I can see how the things I ask are things he has no problems giving others! My therapist called me his "emotional punching bag"... Rather than control him, I withdrew and distanced myself from him and his friends, thinking "He can do as he likes with others but I don't want to be around to see it," but then I always feel bad about it. In the end, he called me abusive and broke up with me three weeks ago 😢
I failed in giving a friend space when she was spending time with her new friends and I’ve lost her as a result. I acted out of my jealousy and it wasn’t effective to the situation. She received it badly when I expressed my feelings of jealousy to her and cut me off. It’s all a learning process, so if anyone who (like me) has made a mistake... I hope you know that you’re not alone 🙏🏻🖤
Well you would have lost her in a slower process even without jealousy in the mix. Lose still happens, what you would have kept was most likely surface level in touch friendship but not as close as before. Which is just as bad imo.
Why would she have lost her anyway. Person is entitled to spend time with new friends doesn't mean it would be forever. Allow space and refrain from jealousy , no one belongs to no one. Can we stop justifying acting out of ego. What is done is done and that's human but we need to learn from it in order to not reproduce
I suffer with horrible jealousy. It has ruined a very important relationship to me. I’m working hard to help myself and seeing a counsellor. I’m hoping that educating myself will ease my issues. Thank you for this video. I found it very helpful
It was nice to watch/hear this because I often second guess myself and my emotional responses as being irrational (I think I just have a fear of being manipulative and abusive). But the recommended responses to jealousy is pretty much how I instinctually handle these situations. So even though I will sometimes perceive my emotions as heightened, or bad, or possessive, it’s nice to hear that I’m actually pretty logical and determined to respond to things appropriately.
Anna out of all the incredible videos you have posted this one has truly changed the way I look at my relationships. I have never once considered linked my almost “territorial” nature, unwillingness to share, with my jealousy and my mind is blown. The ultimate goal is not to “win” it’s to be emotionally regulated, and reacting based jealousy instead of responding with a plan is never helpful…It all makes sense! Thank you so much for sharing this. Definitely going to be rewatching as a reminder!
Thank you for this! I think I have attachment issues that lead me to be jealous easily for fear of losing the person, so I constantly have to remind myself that people aren’t property to be owned, but it’s hard to fight my thoughts with my own thoughts sometimes haha, at least now I can use a more objective way to navigate my emotions.
I definitely have issues with jealousy when it comes to my partner. It’s very rare but when it happens it is really hard to be stable :/ and I trust him, it’s everything else surrounding the situation. I think the fact that we have been together for almost 5 years, the frequency of this feeling subsided but whenever it comes around it definitely is more intense. So this is a good video to come back to whenever I feel that way!
Hello darling. I DESPERATELY needed this video approximately two years ago, but I’m so glad I have it now. I feel like this is a major lesson I need to learn in this lifetime (with my major Scorpio placements). I tend to be very untrusting and can be a detrimentally jealous partner. Your videos are such a treat, please keep putting out content for as long as it is fulfilling. You are reaching and helping so many people. Much love ❤️
At first I was like "me? a narc? for being betrayed!? how dare you!!!" but then I kept watching. As someone who has let myself act on jealousy once, I can can 100% vouch for the fact that it is very counterproductive and destructive for all parties involved. I was very regretful and defeated as it bit me back 2x worse in the butt lmao. It was a door I wish I didn't open, as it left me worse off and it kinda haunted my thoughts... but hey, I learnt my lesson!
THANK YOU. Its hard to find good resources on dealing with jealousy. Its seen as the forbidden emotion, invalidated like you are morally failing as a person. Jealousy is valid like any other emotion and can be regulated with practice. You aren't wrong or bad for having this emotion. Not all jealous feeling people are insecure of themselves, and if they are, it doesn't make your emotions any less valid. It's about what we do with these emotions!
*Thank you* so much for making this video (now) Dr. Ana!! My heart goes out to you 💖 I paused it at 10:22 and had an epiphany as to why I was feeling jealous of a PLATONIC friend who's been in a relationship for four months. Though my jealousy only started about a month ago. I was afraid of losing our friendship! It was particularly painful as it's happened in the past; my _thoughts_ telling me I was losing them as a friend were untrue, but it _felt_ real. This clears up the air for me so much, this is practically therapy. I can't thank you enough 😭💛 I know I have issues with abandonment so this is pretty on the head honestly. I'm going to discuss this with my friend and tell them how much I care about our friendship as well as what this brings up for me, so I can let her know so we can remain as close friends and so I don't push her away like I have done in the past. I want to treat her with the kindness and love I have been doing all this time and don't want to ruin that. This, I believe, is the route to healing, instead of abandoning her and myself. Thank you again so much Ana, you're a true blessing
I’ve experienced jealousy and intuitively done as the flow chart indicates. It was very hard, went through all the steps because at first it didn’t fit the fact but slowly it scaled up. It was with my best friend that I was afraid of losing and at some point my “second” best friend became a threat to the point that when I was with them felt excluded (somewhat ignored). The last resource and my solution was to dissolve the friendship with the first best friend and although it was heartbreaking and hurtful, it was the only thing to do since we tried together to find a solution sothat both of us could feel secure but didn’t work. At the end my friendship with my second friend became vey strong :) and now I can still count on the first one, but not as a friend friend (never gonna be the same)
What kinds of events prompts jealousy. Someone threatening to take something away from you. The thought: Someone being confident and friendly could then threaten your relationship and take your spouse away from you. The thought that you are less than have abandonment issues or you are inadequate in Someone way. And a well put together person is a threat to how ppl see you or change their behavior around you and you are fearful
Ana I am so glad you put this out. if you could please give me some advice. Two years ago my wife, then girlfriend told me about how she had sex with a male stripper(Thunder from down under type) So not an actual stripper but you get the point. She proceeded to tell me how she had a good time. this event has stuck with me throughout the years and I think about it every day. We have talked about it, but my jealousy or envy has never stopped l. I married her because I thought eventually it would go away, however it has not. I learned from past relationships to not ask about a woman’s sexual past and I even told her I did not want to know about her sexual past because I have learned that I get very jealous and I can’t let it go. I feel jealous and upset at the same time, because she just told me out of the blue even though I didn’t ask and she knew I didn’t want to know. I feel upset that I have to go through this on my own, and that she can just tell me something like that and force me to deal with it because me bringing it up over and over again would just make her mad and drive her away. It makes me mad that I am being forced to suffer in silence while she just lives her life not knowing the turmoil but that one event has been putting me through. not to mention knowing for a fact that this guy was Way better looking than me, had a better body, and was probably bigger downstairs too. That also weighs on me heavily. What should I do?
this is only just going to build resentment between you two, and if she just ignores you and storms off whenever you try and bring it up, then it might honestly be a dealbreaker. its so bizarre to just randomly tell your partner, man or woman, that you had sex with some random person, without any prompt, any kind of questioning? has she shown any other possibly suspicious behaviour? (and i'm not sure ana can really give too much advice on this, it wouldn't be ethical for her as a psychologist to try and give this kind of advice to someone over the internet)
Do you believe she loves you? Do you have trouble believing you are worthy of love? Did she cheat on you or was this before you were together? I ask all of that because if you do believe she loves you and have a healthy relationship (other than the way this one story makes you feel), the way you feel likely has very little to do with her actions and has more to do with something like abandonment issues or a fear of rejection rooted in childhood experiences. If it isn't about her treating you poorly in other ways, i really encourage you to CHOOSE to let it go. Remind yourself of her good qualities when you start reflecting on the incident. Not to be graphic, but if you are genuinely distraught over the size comparison, focus on pleasing her through foreplay. Going down on her will go a long way in satisfying her. Give massages. In general, find ways to build intimacy in other ways. Intimacy and love are much more than body type or penis size. Talk more, listen more, cuddle more! There are so many ways to display affection. The important thing is to not withdraw your love or affection in some attempt to "protest this past act". Some other things you can do, find ways to build your own self-esteem. Work out FOR YOU. When you feel better about yourself, you are able to care for others better. Maybe get a new haircut. Buy some new clothes. Do some things to feel you are the BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF. Any time i have felt jealousy, it usually had more to do with my abandonment issues with my parents or my own depression and maybe not feeling that i am living up to my full potential. Are you happy in your job? Do you have some hobbies that bring you enjoyment? Are you reading books and improving your state of mind through learning? Keep growing! Keep improving! Not to keep someone around, but to feel better about yourself! The more you do to improve your personal opinion of yourself, the less room you will have in your mind for some random dude to take up space. Good luck! Hope you can let it go. It isn't worth holding onto something you have zero control over. She married you! That is special! Learn to appreciate that! And do everything you can to foster healthy growth!
@@calledtoanswer thank you for your reply. Yes I do Believe she loves me and she treats me great. She is not as Gugu gaga as most women are and is very good suppressing her emotions. Like when I walk through the door I might get a "hey." I remember when I was gone for the army for about three months and I surprised her by showing up at her house with the help of her parents. I was just sitting in the kitchen holding our baby and all I got was a very underwhelming Oh hi. Even her parents vocalized their disbelief with her reaction. it was very underwhelming and honestly hurt. I know she was excited to see me but just doesn’t show it. she’s always been this way so I can’t expect her to change now. I do have hobbies however because of Covid I don’t partake in them. Plus they are expensive hobbies and I am trying to save money for a house for us. I am somewhat happy at my job. I am a combat medic in the army which has always been a dream of mine but like many things it isn’t exactly whas depicted in the brochures. but it’s good to be here nonetheless. I have seen my wife maybe four weeks total this whole past year combined as I am stationed in a different state. I’m not sure if it is fear of abandonment but my whole life praise has always been outcome dependent. I play baseball my whole life at a very high-level from age 4 up until college and when I did well I got attention and praise, when I did bad I was ignored by adults, teammates and the like. I believe that is what caused me to be so critical of myself. I wish I could let it go, I really want to. it’s quite dumb but another side of me is just so angry she went out of her way to tell me something like that. When I think about vocalizing these things to her I stop because I don’t want her to see me as weak. I don’t want her to see me as less of a man. I don’t want her to doubt me or my ability to lead our family simply because I can’t handle some emotional turmoil. then I get angry but I feel I can’t express myself to her because of something she did to me. and the cycle just goes on and on.
@@nicolasklausen8010 i think you are misinterpreting the sentiment behind my words. The guy feels inadequate in comparison to a past fling. I think it is noteworthy that they are married and she didn't marry this "stripper". I am simply saying marriage has value. Making that commitment to each other is special. Deciding to marry each other carries a heck of a lot more weight than some one time thing. I am not quite sure why you object so harshly to the sentiment. Please feel free to elaborate. Maybe i could change my phrasing if you help clue me in on why it is bad? My only goal was to encourage.
How do ppl express jealousy? Spying interrogating exaggerated PDA bc you want show everyone this person is yours. Becoming isolated and withdraw. What do you do about it ? Does your emotions really fit the situation? Ask third parties when possible. Ex hey marry does it seem Strange if Jerry says good morning to a classroom. It's worth reflecting if jealousy is rising in situations that it isn't Warrented. Change the way you think about the situation and use problem-solving
In my scenario, my partner would hang out with people who clearly had interest in him. It made me very uncomfortable. I’ve already communicated this and have receive a lot of 3rd party confirmation about my “jealousy”. He claims those friendship are still platonic because he doesn’t have those same feelings for those friends. He mentioned how he has had several meaningful friendship where they started out that way (his friends liked him, but he didn’t share the same feelings, but still turned into a great friendship). During those friendships I’m sure he was single. I don’t know many that would be okay with that behavior. We’re not together any longer because I didn’t feel secure in the relationship. He’s allowed to have friends, but am I being too jealous in this situation?
Your boundaries are valid and it sounds like a breakup was the solution to the problem in that case🤷🏻♀️ don’t invalidate yourself or let others invalidate you for having reasonable boundaries!
@@AnaPsychology Thank you Ana, I had a lot of triggers from past trauma during this relationship. My boundaries were crossed several times. The relationship taught me a lot and I was in therapy, but paused my treatment because I’m currently not working. Your video was the confirmation I needed. I now know this was the the right decision. Hugs & support!
Ana, I stumbled upon one of your videos a couple weeks ago and have just been binge-watching all your other ones. Although many of them are not necessarily applicable to me, YET, I watch nevertheless to enrich my arsenal of emotional intelligence for when the time inevitably comes. Thanks to you, I feel like I am better person than I was 2 weeks ago.
Thanks for the video, it helped me to take a step back and look at my jealousy more from a third person perspective, I'll keep using the flowchart :) I do think that your advice videos for romantic relationships could greatly benefit from some more research into individual differences concerning how people experience love and experience romantic relationships and friendships (platonic or intimate). Right now, I feel like romantic relationships and friendships are discussed from narrow templates (i.e., the normative/most prominent ones), while many people experience and go about these things in vastly different, sometimes opposing, ways. An example you gave that reflects this point for me is the one in which the only suitable response to a friend expressing romantic interest in your partner should be your partner breaking off that friendship because you are jealous. To me, this really is a last resort for when your jealousy is an emotion that you can't cope with by yourself yet at the moment, and the only way for you to be happy in your relationship is to ask your partner to drop a person for you that is important to them. Which is a valid option, of course, if this is the case! But there are other options and contextual factors are super important, I think. If your partner is not interested in their friend romantically at all, then the friendship is not a real problem for your relationship and I would therefore understand if my partner does not want to break off this friendship. Your partner could just be honest to their friend that they are not interested, and say that their pushing to break-up is not at all appreciated and should not happen again, for example. This friend could then decide for themselves whether or not they still want to be in the friendship as well. Otherwise, if your partner is interested in their friend romantically more than in you, they should probably break up with you and be with their friend instead... However, if your partner is romantically interested in their friend, and this does not in any way negate or diminish their love for you and their desire to be in a relationship with you, then your partner could reassure you by communicating this. Then, the endless possibilities of the world of polyamory open up and can be discussed between you and your partner. These are just a few other super valid actions in response to that example situation that go against the first instinctive urges. Sorry for the long comment 😅 I hope I made it somewhat clear what I mean by reacting to this specific example.
Hey Ana, is it weird to not be jealous at all? I'm in love with my boyfriend but I'm not jealous of him. I find it flattering when people approach him or try to flirt with him. I know and can see he's brilliant and so can other people, I just find that extremely normal. Is that weird?
I agree, it's very healthy! I felt jealous because my bf and friend were texting each other but I decided to trust him since we've been together for 2+ years and do nothing. Turns out they were both guilty as hell when I confronted them (separately) so I broke up with him. Envious of your relationship. I want one like yours someday
@@carmenl9682 I'm so sorry that happened to you :( I hope you'll find someone who can be a good partner and thank you so much :') I'm not a jealous person in general but I think I would be if he gave me a reason, and I know he won't
@@buketslatuncer3387 I'm happy you have so much trust in him! Again I am envious~ Thanks so much, I hope I'll meet someone that I can trust as much as you trust your SO.
😭I genuinely want to cry...I think it's amazing and wonderful you dont feel jealous and yet here I am beating myself up feeling this terrible jealousy over a guy I'm dating...to the point I just wanna cut him off and disappear...I hate feeling this jealous..it literally hurts my stomach
So you said to act out the opposite of your instinct when your jealousy does not fit the situation, but what you're suggesting sounds to me like just not acting at all (i.e. letting go of trying to control your partner by not doing anything). What I initially thought of when you mentioned acting the opposite of your instinct was actively encouraging relationships between your partner and other people, or at least showing interest in them. As an example, let's say someone is jealous of their partner's friend, and they know that the two have spent time together. The jealous instinct of that person would be to not ask about it, and act like it never happened, and maybe act defensive when the topic comes up. So my question is, would it make sense for the jealous person in this example to act the opposite of their instinct, so to actively ask how it went and how their partner's day was? Or is what you mean rather to focus on oneself and to change the way one thinks about the relation to one's partner etc.? (Because I imagine it would be rather painful to act against one's instinct in this example, but I wondered if it might help)
I also have the same doubts/questions. I've been applying this when my partner hangs out with friends (one to one bc their friends work in opposite directions of their city) and I just ask them how it went and what did they do (in the less intrusive way, just plain curiosity) and they tell me everything I ask because they seem pretty okay with it. But at the same time I have this fear of not knowing everything? And I'm just fighting the feeling everytime my partner hangs out alone with another person.
this is so weird, i always intertwine envy with jealousy, i almost wish i was just envious about my friends but turns out i just really don’t want to lose them
Ana this was a very helpful video and I will implement your recommendations! Thank you very much, in fact, I'm a behavioral health nurse and it's easy to teach these however sometimes we are too close to our own problems to take our own advice...
I have a long distance boyfriend who goes out a lot, has a lot of friends, a lot of female friends and there's one in particular who is his very close friends since childhood. I have no reason to assume there was or is anything between them, but only knowing that they are hanging together all the time, she's a part of his life, present in it, much much more than I'm, often makes me very jealous, anxiuos, sad and stressed out.
I had issues with jealousy regarding my current boyfriend of three years. I kind of sabotaged our prom, but regretted it a lot. He had a girl he liked before with whom he danced at a previous event, and he really treasures the memory. Even before we had our prom, I was kind of jealous, but not too much because I didn't see her as a threat. Well, we nearly broke up after the prom thing. And since then (tbf, he did say a few quite mean things while we were fighting that clearly devalued me in that aspect, but technically it was just the truth) I've been super jealous of her. I've been jealous of how she looks, the intense feelings he had for her since she was his first crush etc. It made me miserable. I think, many months after that I still kept on bringing it up because it hurt. To clarify, he doesn't have any contact with her anymore and doesn't plan to, and he said he loves me and only wants me etc. But, the jealousy persisted. I suppose, because I was still scared he'd leave me for the prom thing. I got over it now already, but now I understand how I got over it. Because I stopped believing he'd leave me for that girl who gave him better memories. I think, my overly romanticized image of him and her kind of stabbed me in the back. Apparently they were kinda cute, even though they weren't together. I thought they were fated for each other, but I just had to step in. (I asked him out on a date pretty randomly while he was still kinda into her, but not really anymore because he knew he couldn't be with her) So, uh, yes. Jealousy, fun.
Would it be better for the individual to react when jealousy/envious feelings arise, because many don’t have emotional regulation and what could end up happening is suppressing emotions that could manifest in other behaviors/actions over time? The part when one should feel some sort of pride when one’s partner is being sought after, that reminds me of the many that fall into the loop of abusive relationships, for the partner in cheating on said partner for they know they are being desired and try to justify what they are doing with, “oh you should be grateful you have me”, as if they are a prize to be won and they should be feeling grandiose for conquering them. The last part reminded me of the abusive manipulation some people fall into and I heard about how cheating can be viewed as an opportunity to finally put in boundary work and/or as you stated intimate vulnerability, but why should it take till that happens? Why not at the start at the dating phase, to be blunt and honor one’s own boundaries?
I’m definitely a big proponent of setting clear boundaries right from the start. I think what Esther Perel meant by the idea I referenced at the end was that jealousy can increase intimacy, but not that it’s something we should aspire for. She mentioned in her book that many people say their partner is most attractive when others are attracted to them. It’s not about feeling insecure or feeling stuck in an abusive relationship, but about acknowledging that you chose your partner for a reason, and that others will also see the value in them, but that you are still the one who gets their loyalty at the end of the day. Hope that clarifies things!
@@AnaPsychology I understand that it wasn’t aimed for the discussion of abusive/manipulative relationships, it reminded me of some cases where some have reinforced their abusive relationships with what was said, they see how others admire their partner and get territorial, then never leave for the unhealthy obsession that they have over them. I just wanted to bring another angle to it.
Hey Ana, so I got triggered at one point during my relationship with my ex. I don't know if I had the right to feel the way I did but here it goes. So one day, there was an event where we wrote out cards for children at the hospital during the holidays. I was with my friend before the event started and my ex-boyfriend was still in class but was going to come by later (he never mentioned, I just assumed). After a couple minutes, he ended up coming and he said hi to me and my friend. After he said hi to other people, he went to sit next to this girl that he apparently knows. They were sitting next to each other (pretty close) and I lowkey got suspicious and I even started crying over it. Later that night when me and my friends were at the actual event, we decided to get a snack from downstairs. As we were making our way downstairs, I noticed that my ex was sitting next to her along with her friends at the pub (there's a pub on the campus that we were in). During the event, I really did want him to be there but apparently, he decided to be with her and her friends. I continued to be triggered and after a while, I ended up getting ready to leave. We then saw each other before I left because he was making his way to the event room. I could smell beer on him and whatever. When I texted my friend about this, she called me jealous and possessive. Little did she know, earlier (about a year into our relationship), he flirted behind my back with some girl on DM's. My other friend was the one who came up to me with that information and when I confronted my ex, he then told me to isolate myself from the friend who told me this information in hopes that all of this would "blow over". I feel like my insecurities stemmed from the flirting incident, despite me not showing it or telling other people about it. Did I have the right to feel jealous during that event? I didn't address it to him because I've sometimes had to walk on egg shells near him. I got over it the next day but I still had it in the back of my mind.
In my opinion, I think you have a right to feel however you want to! I wonder how the conversation went, when you confronted him about the DM situation. If he was receptive to the concern, I feel like you could’ve also confronted him about the bar situation. Him talking to this woman and then later hanging out with her, brought up similar feelings of insecurity, and it made you feel unimportant! I think your feelings are valid, and you had a right to bring it up to him! Clear communication is so impt, and if he were open to hearing your feelings, he’d understand that he could’ve acted differently / or could’ve assured you afterwards that he’s only interested in you.
Or if your partner get jealous of you or someone else, that would make me realize how much they love me (in a way) and that could heat up the relationship as well
the first time i watched this video i was like no i actually have no reason to be jealous it’s just my insecurity 👌🏼 but my boyfriend confessed me something and now i definitely have a reason to be jealous. idk what’s the next step...
Is so bizarre to think that by this definition, im not actually jealous when a gf uploads an almost naked picture to ig. Because i have 0 fear of someone taking her away from me, I know 100% she will keep being with me afterwards. Still it enrages me deeply, and just found out its because im extremely possessive, seeing this act as a monument(her) asking to get graffitti all over it(the typical omg juicy booty comments and reactions), which fully disgust me. Im not sure if this problem is even worst than being insecure snd jealous or im just someone who wants their morals to be taken into consideration...
I think the second one has more probability of being the reason. I mean, my partner and I don't like to upload that kind of photos and we agree to only do it between us with consent. Maybe you can talk it with your gf?
What to do when the reasons of feeling jealous are true? I mean, if they cheated and you try to give them a chance, is it okay to actually ask to stop having contact with the pearson they cheated? Sometimes I feel carried away with this idea of stop being toxic and not controll the actions of other person, but I couldn't even imagine giving a shot without that condition. Is it wrong? Shouldn't I ask for it? Asking for it was the sign it was over and there's no place for a chance? All your videos are extremely helpful and useful.
Is cheating a deal breaker for you? If he will stop having contacts with that person, will you trust him like before the cheating? If you feel bad because you feel like you can't trust him anymore, there is nothing wrong with letting go. You deserve to be happy and stay with someone that respect you
Thank you! And I'm not too sure, I think maybe INFJ or something like that but the test isn't very empirically valid so I wouldn't give it too much weight
Heyyyy I just discovered your channel, finished watching that video about Romanian stereotypes and subscribed! Seeing the way you speak English with that perfect accent made me curious about your Romanian accent? Do you speak Romanian with an English accent or is it accent moldovenesc sau ardelenesc, etc.? Nu pot să-mi dau seama ^^
@@AnaPsychology aww ce fain ! Știu cum sună accentul american de la Sebastian Stan (actorul care a jucat în filmul ăla Civil War drept Winter Soldier) și e așa belea, sună nemaipomenit
I’m a visual person and want to see your modified flow chart so I can actually write stuff down every time I have a jealous thought come up. Is there a way to make this or find a flow chart online for jealous situations in particular?
I always love your videos so much Ana. Neither my partner nor me have any jealousy problems, but I just love to hear you talk haha so here I am. Wish you all the best :)
Hi hi I love your advice and your approach to psychology🤍 thank you so much for your work. I was wondering if you would consider doing a video on receiving love and being open, letting go of control. I am someone who has a lot of love for everyone and I love to give, but sometimes I really struggle to receive. I’d like to work on that and would love to hear your take on this topic:)
What if you have a jealous and narcissistic mother, and your jealousy of your partner is a learned behavior in addition to relationship past trauma of being cheated on? How do you move on?
What about jealousy within open relationships x.x I suppose not considering their attention to others to take away from their love for you, but its hard man lol
Why do I get the vibe that lors of dudes tried taking your dude away. I hate people who do that shit. Too many people in my life normalize this, that cheating is somehow inevitable ( girls I know ) . It's fucked.
What would be the "correct" way to react if your boyfriend was constantly following and liking a lot of other girls bikini/lingerie/provocative pictures all over social media almost everyday and even commenting on some of them saying they're "pretty" and that made you uncomfortable??
I had a similar situation in which my boyfriend was saving pictures of girls on social media which made me feel very uncomfortable. I knew it was trivial but it wasn't something I could let by as it really was something that was on my mind quite alot. So I handled it by sitting him down and addressing it to him. I told him that it made me feel uncomfortable and explained why this was and asked him to also explain his actions and why he felt the need to, i feel its good to also understand why and where his actions come from. And from this, I feel less inclined to feel hurt and insecure about him saving these photos, I know he loves me and that it is natural to find others attractive, but he also understands where I was coming from, and respects my boundaries and have since not done it . Not quite sure if it was the right approach and if this fixes anything but both parties understand eachother, and are in the end respecting eachothers actions and feelings. Communication is key, in which 2 people are trying to come to an understanding.
@@DaxAndKristen Thank you for replying, I can relate to some of that actually! Also I think it's one thing for your partner to do things they've always done on social media without thinking to much about it and not knowing it hurts you, but when you tell them it HURTS you and that it makes you feel unconfortable and sad and they tell you straight up: "I don't think I should stop doing it because I don't think I'm doing something wrong" and they don't even apologize for hurting you and then just keep doing it regardless, now knowing that it hurts you? It's pretty fucked up to me idk. They're just hurting you on purpose at this point... All I kept thinking was, "Hurting my feelings to the point I would cry was not enough of a reason to stop doing something so simple?" I just felt even more hurt, disrespected and unheard and not taken seriously at all. Also I always felt like he was constantly trying to hide things from me whenever he tried to tell me something I always felt like I wasn't getting the full story, but eventually it was the lying that messed everything up and broke my trust forever🤷♀️ he is now my ex and I never felt more relieved tbh..
af·firm·a·tion /ˌafərˈmāSH(ə)n/ noun 1. The action or process of affirming something or being affirmed. "I'm nodding in affirmation to this video." Very well done and informative. Great Post. + Cool TShirt. (merch) 🙃😎✌️.
Here is a photo of the flowchart if you're a more visual person like myself: ua-cam.com/users/postUgxNmtdh_ik2gvu8Z8x4AaABCQ
When being alone is no longer frightening, Loss is no longer a threat.
That’s not entirely true in my opinion. We will always fear loss as a social species who attaches to those we love. I’m someone who needs alone time and was single and content for 6 years until I wanted to date again. But it doesn’t mean I don’t fear losing people I love
@@maddyG7414
Treat your fear of loss by keep reminding thyself of the impermanence of things.
@@breatheliveandthrive7404 I don't entirely agree. While I've spent years with no partners and just a few close friends and in peace with my own company, I have a very committed relationship right now and even though I do not fear being alone again (if something in my relationship were to go wrong) I do fear losing what we've built together. I think that mindset of always thinking about the impermanence of things is a defense mechanism that comes out of the same fear of loss. Why would you constantly remind yourself that you can lose it all if not to protect you from the posibility of such loss? I believe in fully commiting to my decisions and always deciding to put my faith in what I am doing, even if it means being at risk of ending up getting hurt. What's the point of living if we're unwilling to fully experience life?
Releasing control and acting in a way that best for mental health is such a great take away. We shouldn't have to fight to keep people in our lives.
I relate to this so well, me and my ex broke up a few weeks ago and although I’m in a deep amount of pain from the breakup I am relieved in other aspects I’m terms of my mental well being
"then they can have it" what a beautiful line! especially about relationships. a partner who cheats and gets easily swayed by other people is not worth having in the first place. he ce jealousy is not a very useful emotion, either we are wrong and overthink unnecessarily. or we are right and the only way to find out whether we are right or not is to completely let go of control! your partner should WANT to stay with you because they love you, and not because you are jealous and vigilant and don't give them a chance to cheat
Yes yes YES. 6000 + languages in this world and you chose to speak FACTS on this one!
LOL :)
Always remember just because your in a relationship does not mean you own the person. Nothing in this world is actually ours, let it be free and if it leaves or betrays you it was never for you in the first place
Those last lines "coz when u realise that the someone u care about, is wanted by others, you get to be their prize, you get to be the one they choose" were BAM.. on the spot!
when i become a teacher, im going to recommend my students to watch ur youtube channel
i wish i had this video to show my friend while she was in a toxic and emotionally/financially abusive relationship. one of my girl friends was dating one of my former guy friends and he was always shielding her from other guys she was friends with. now she's out of that relationship thank goodness
That's so kind of you! And absolutely, I'm glad your friend got out of that toxic situation :/
I have an odd experience with jealousy in my last relationship... About 7 months in, he started to get impatient, annoyed and angry at me frequently, but I would notice him being very nice to others... What's worse is whenever I try to communicate my needs, he makes it an issue of me being mistrusting and insecure, but I can see how the things I ask are things he has no problems giving others! My therapist called me his "emotional punching bag"... Rather than control him, I withdrew and distanced myself from him and his friends, thinking "He can do as he likes with others but I don't want to be around to see it," but then I always feel bad about it. In the end, he called me abusive and broke up with me three weeks ago 😢
I failed in giving a friend space when she was spending time with her new friends and I’ve lost her as a result. I acted out of my jealousy and it wasn’t effective to the situation. She received it badly when I expressed my feelings of jealousy to her and cut me off. It’s all a learning process, so if anyone who (like me) has made a mistake... I hope you know that you’re not alone 🙏🏻🖤
Well you would have lost her in a slower process even without jealousy in the mix. Lose still happens, what you would have kept was most likely surface level in touch friendship but not as close as before. Which is just as bad imo.
Why would she have lost her anyway. Person is entitled to spend time with new friends doesn't mean it would be forever. Allow space and refrain from jealousy , no one belongs to no one. Can we stop justifying acting out of ego. What is done is done and that's human but we need to learn from it in order to not reproduce
This is such a relevant topic in today’s world of social media’s highlight reels.
I suffer with horrible jealousy. It has ruined a very important relationship to me. I’m working hard to help myself and seeing a counsellor. I’m hoping that educating myself will ease my issues. Thank you for this video. I found it very helpful
It was nice to watch/hear this because I often second guess myself and my emotional responses as being irrational (I think I just have a fear of being manipulative and abusive). But the recommended responses to jealousy is pretty much how I instinctually handle these situations. So even though I will sometimes perceive my emotions as heightened, or bad, or possessive, it’s nice to hear that I’m actually pretty logical and determined to respond to things appropriately.
Can you please talk about retroactive jealousy? I haven’t seen too many people cover this, and I’d really like to see you cover it please :)
Yes to this please!🙏
Anna out of all the incredible videos you have posted this one has truly changed the way I look at my relationships. I have never once considered linked my almost “territorial” nature, unwillingness to share, with my jealousy and my mind is blown. The ultimate goal is not to “win” it’s to be emotionally regulated, and reacting based jealousy instead of responding with a plan is never helpful…It all makes sense! Thank you so much for sharing this. Definitely going to be rewatching as a reminder!
Thank you for this! I think I have attachment issues that lead me to be jealous easily for fear of losing the person, so I constantly have to remind myself that people aren’t property to be owned, but it’s hard to fight my thoughts with my own thoughts sometimes haha, at least now I can use a more objective way to navigate my emotions.
I definitely have issues with jealousy when it comes to my partner. It’s very rare but when it happens it is really hard to be stable :/ and I trust him, it’s everything else surrounding the situation. I think the fact that we have been together for almost 5 years, the frequency of this feeling subsided but whenever it comes around it definitely is more intense. So this is a good video to come back to whenever I feel that way!
I’m the same fr!!!! It’s so hard to control because every single thought is about all the bad things .
Hello darling. I DESPERATELY needed this video approximately two years ago, but I’m so glad I have it now. I feel like this is a major lesson I need to learn in this lifetime (with my major Scorpio placements). I tend to be very untrusting and can be a detrimentally jealous partner.
Your videos are such a treat, please keep putting out content for as long as it is fulfilling. You are reaching and helping so many people. Much love ❤️
At first I was like "me? a narc? for being betrayed!? how dare you!!!" but then I kept watching. As someone who has let myself act on jealousy once, I can can 100% vouch for the fact that it is very counterproductive and destructive for all parties involved. I was very regretful and defeated as it bit me back 2x worse in the butt lmao. It was a door I wish I didn't open, as it left me worse off and it kinda haunted my thoughts... but hey, I learnt my lesson!
THANK YOU. Its hard to find good resources on dealing with jealousy. Its seen as the forbidden emotion, invalidated like you are morally failing as a person. Jealousy is valid like any other emotion and can be regulated with practice. You aren't wrong or bad for having this emotion. Not all jealous feeling people are insecure of themselves, and if they are, it doesn't make your emotions any less valid. It's about what we do with these emotions!
*Thank you* so much for making this video (now) Dr. Ana!! My heart goes out to you 💖
I paused it at 10:22 and had an epiphany as to why I was feeling jealous of a PLATONIC friend who's been in a relationship for four months. Though my jealousy only started about a month ago. I was afraid of losing our friendship! It was particularly painful as it's happened in the past; my _thoughts_ telling me I was losing them as a friend were untrue, but it _felt_ real. This clears up the air for me so much, this is practically therapy. I can't thank you enough 😭💛 I know I have issues with abandonment so this is pretty on the head honestly.
I'm going to discuss this with my friend and tell them how much I care about our friendship as well as what this brings up for me, so I can let her know so we can remain as close friends and so I don't push her away like I have done in the past. I want to treat her with the kindness and love I have been doing all this time and don't want to ruin that. This, I believe, is the route to healing, instead of abandoning her and myself.
Thank you again so much Ana, you're a true blessing
You are on the ball! Thank you for your wisdom in dealing with jealous people.
I’ve experienced jealousy and intuitively done as the flow chart indicates. It was very hard, went through all the steps because at first it didn’t fit the fact but slowly it scaled up. It was with my best friend that I was afraid of losing and at some point my “second” best friend became a threat to the point that when I was with them felt excluded (somewhat ignored). The last resource and my solution was to dissolve the friendship with the first best friend and although it was heartbreaking and hurtful, it was the only thing to do since we tried together to find a solution sothat both of us could feel secure but didn’t work. At the end my friendship with my second friend became vey strong :) and now I can still count on the first one, but not as a friend friend (never gonna be the same)
What kinds of events prompts jealousy. Someone threatening to take something away from you. The thought: Someone being confident and friendly could then threaten your relationship and take your spouse away from you. The thought that you are less than have abandonment issues or you are inadequate in Someone way. And a well put together person is a threat to how ppl see you or change their behavior around you and you are fearful
thank you so much for spreading this knowledge!!
Wonderful content and perfect timing. Thank you so much, Ana! Keep up the great work. You're making a difference in this world.
Thank you so much
You are and your content are so valuable. I am so grateful for you Ana. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
I am learning so much from you eversince I came across your videos 6months ago. Learning how to be a better human and boyfriend.
I just watch every single video, even if it isn’t currently relevant to my life at this point. This is really good content! Thank You!
Ana I am so glad you put this out. if you could please give me some advice. Two years ago my wife, then girlfriend told me about how she had sex with a male stripper(Thunder from down under type) So not an actual stripper but you get the point. She proceeded to tell me how she had a good time. this event has stuck with me throughout the years and I think about it every day. We have talked about it, but my jealousy or envy has never stopped l. I married her because I thought eventually it would go away, however it has not. I learned from past relationships to not ask about a woman’s sexual past and I even told her I did not want to know about her sexual past because I have learned that I get very jealous and I can’t let it go. I feel jealous and upset at the same time, because she just told me out of the blue even though I didn’t ask and she knew I didn’t want to know. I feel upset that I have to go through this on my own, and that she can just tell me something like that and force me to deal with it because me bringing it up over and over again would just make her mad and drive her away. It makes me mad that I am being forced to suffer in silence while she just lives her life not knowing the turmoil but that one event has been putting me through. not to mention knowing for a fact that this guy was Way better looking than me, had a better body, and was probably bigger downstairs too. That also weighs on me heavily. What should I do?
this is only just going to build resentment between you two, and if she just ignores you and storms off whenever you try and bring it up, then it might honestly be a dealbreaker. its so bizarre to just randomly tell your partner, man or woman, that you had sex with some random person, without any prompt, any kind of questioning? has she shown any other possibly suspicious behaviour?
(and i'm not sure ana can really give too much advice on this, it wouldn't be ethical for her as a psychologist to try and give this kind of advice to someone over the internet)
Do you believe she loves you? Do you have trouble believing you are worthy of love? Did she cheat on you or was this before you were together?
I ask all of that because if you do believe she loves you and have a healthy relationship (other than the way this one story makes you feel), the way you feel likely has very little to do with her actions and has more to do with something like abandonment issues or a fear of rejection rooted in childhood experiences.
If it isn't about her treating you poorly in other ways, i really encourage you to CHOOSE to let it go. Remind yourself of her good qualities when you start reflecting on the incident.
Not to be graphic, but if you are genuinely distraught over the size comparison, focus on pleasing her through foreplay. Going down on her will go a long way in satisfying her. Give massages. In general, find ways to build intimacy in other ways. Intimacy and love are much more than body type or penis size. Talk more, listen more, cuddle more! There are so many ways to display affection. The important thing is to not withdraw your love or affection in some attempt to "protest this past act".
Some other things you can do, find ways to build your own self-esteem. Work out FOR YOU. When you feel better about yourself, you are able to care for others better. Maybe get a new haircut. Buy some new clothes. Do some things to feel you are the BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF.
Any time i have felt jealousy, it usually had more to do with my abandonment issues with my parents or my own depression and maybe not feeling that i am living up to my full potential.
Are you happy in your job? Do you have some hobbies that bring you enjoyment? Are you reading books and improving your state of mind through learning?
Keep growing! Keep improving! Not to keep someone around, but to feel better about yourself! The more you do to improve your personal opinion of yourself, the less room you will have in your mind for some random dude to take up space.
Good luck! Hope you can let it go. It isn't worth holding onto something you have zero control over.
She married you! That is special! Learn to appreciate that! And do everything you can to foster healthy growth!
@@calledtoanswer thank you for your reply. Yes I do Believe she loves me and she treats me great. She is not as Gugu gaga as most women are and is very good suppressing her emotions. Like when I walk through the door I might get a "hey." I remember when I was gone for the army for about three months and I surprised her by showing up at her house with the help of her parents. I was just sitting in the kitchen holding our baby and all I got was a very underwhelming Oh hi. Even her parents vocalized their disbelief with her reaction. it was very underwhelming and honestly hurt. I know she was excited to see me but just doesn’t show it. she’s always been this way so I can’t expect her to change now.
I do have hobbies however because of Covid I don’t partake in them. Plus they are expensive hobbies and I am trying to save money for a house for us. I am somewhat happy at my job. I am a combat medic in the army which has always been a dream of mine but like many things it isn’t exactly whas depicted in the brochures. but it’s good to be here nonetheless.
I have seen my wife maybe four weeks total this whole past year combined as I am stationed in a different state.
I’m not sure if it is fear of abandonment but my whole life praise has always been outcome dependent. I play baseball my whole life at a very high-level from age 4 up until college and when I did well I got attention and praise, when I did bad I was ignored by adults, teammates and the like. I believe that is what caused me to be so critical of myself.
I wish I could let it go, I really want to. it’s quite dumb but another side of me is just so angry she went out of her way to tell me something like that. When I think about vocalizing these things to her I stop because I don’t want her to see me as weak. I don’t want her to see me as less of a man. I don’t want her to doubt me or my ability to lead our family simply because I can’t handle some emotional turmoil. then I get angry but I feel I can’t express myself to her because of something she did to me. and the cycle just goes on and on.
@@calledtoanswer "she married you! That is special!" What a pathetic thing to say
@@nicolasklausen8010 i think you are misinterpreting the sentiment behind my words. The guy feels inadequate in comparison to a past fling. I think it is noteworthy that they are married and she didn't marry this "stripper". I am simply saying marriage has value. Making that commitment to each other is special. Deciding to marry each other carries a heck of a lot more weight than some one time thing. I am not quite sure why you object so harshly to the sentiment. Please feel free to elaborate. Maybe i could change my phrasing if you help clue me in on why it is bad? My only goal was to encourage.
I never knew that I need this kind of listening
How do ppl express jealousy? Spying interrogating exaggerated PDA bc you want show everyone this person is yours. Becoming isolated and withdraw. What do you do about it ? Does your emotions really fit the situation? Ask third parties when possible. Ex hey marry does it seem Strange if Jerry says good morning to a classroom. It's worth reflecting if jealousy is rising in situations that it isn't Warrented. Change the way you think about the situation and use problem-solving
Can’t wait to see this after work!! It’s been a sluggish Monday haha ❤️
Aw sorry to hear that! Hope it gets better :)
@@AnaPsychology Thank you so much, I appreciate it!! :)
In my scenario, my partner would hang out with people who clearly had interest in him. It made me very uncomfortable. I’ve already communicated this and have receive a lot of 3rd party confirmation about my “jealousy”. He claims those friendship are still platonic because he doesn’t have those same feelings for those friends. He mentioned how he has had several meaningful friendship where they started out that way (his friends liked him, but he didn’t share the same feelings, but still turned into a great friendship). During those friendships I’m sure he was single. I don’t know many that would be okay with that behavior. We’re not together any longer because I didn’t feel secure in the relationship. He’s allowed to have friends, but am I being too jealous in this situation?
Your boundaries are valid and it sounds like a breakup was the solution to the problem in that case🤷🏻♀️ don’t invalidate yourself or let others invalidate you for having reasonable boundaries!
@@AnaPsychology Thank you Ana, I had a lot of triggers from past trauma during this relationship. My boundaries were crossed several times. The relationship taught me a lot and I was in therapy, but paused my treatment because I’m currently not working. Your video was the confirmation I needed. I now know this was the the right decision. Hugs & support!
Ana, I stumbled upon one of your videos a couple weeks ago and have just been binge-watching all your other ones.
Although many of them are not necessarily applicable to me, YET, I watch nevertheless to enrich my arsenal of emotional intelligence for when the time inevitably comes.
Thanks to you, I feel like I am better person than I was 2 weeks ago.
All emotions are important. The goal is never to get rid of an emotion.
Thanks for the video, it helped me to take a step back and look at my jealousy more from a third person perspective, I'll keep using the flowchart :) I do think that your advice videos for romantic relationships could greatly benefit from some more research into individual differences concerning how people experience love and experience romantic relationships and friendships (platonic or intimate). Right now, I feel like romantic relationships and friendships are discussed from narrow templates (i.e., the normative/most prominent ones), while many people experience and go about these things in vastly different, sometimes opposing, ways.
An example you gave that reflects this point for me is the one in which the only suitable response to a friend expressing romantic interest in your partner should be your partner breaking off that friendship because you are jealous. To me, this really is a last resort for when your jealousy is an emotion that you can't cope with by yourself yet at the moment, and the only way for you to be happy in your relationship is to ask your partner to drop a person for you that is important to them. Which is a valid option, of course, if this is the case! But there are other options and contextual factors are super important, I think. If your partner is not interested in their friend romantically at all, then the friendship is not a real problem for your relationship and I would therefore understand if my partner does not want to break off this friendship. Your partner could just be honest to their friend that they are not interested, and say that their pushing to break-up is not at all appreciated and should not happen again, for example. This friend could then decide for themselves whether or not they still want to be in the friendship as well. Otherwise, if your partner is interested in their friend romantically more than in you, they should probably break up with you and be with their friend instead... However, if your partner is romantically interested in their friend, and this does not in any way negate or diminish their love for you and their desire to be in a relationship with you, then your partner could reassure you by communicating this. Then, the endless possibilities of the world of polyamory open up and can be discussed between you and your partner. These are just a few other super valid actions in response to that example situation that go against the first instinctive urges.
Sorry for the long comment 😅 I hope I made it somewhat clear what I mean by reacting to this specific example.
Hey Ana, is it weird to not be jealous at all? I'm in love with my boyfriend but I'm not jealous of him. I find it flattering when people approach him or try to flirt with him. I know and can see he's brilliant and so can other people, I just find that extremely normal. Is that weird?
Maybe you are very content and mature as a person and see the value of your SO.I believe it`s normal and healthy
I agree, it's very healthy! I felt jealous because my bf and friend were texting each other but I decided to trust him since we've been together for 2+ years and do nothing. Turns out they were both guilty as hell when I confronted them (separately) so I broke up with him. Envious of your relationship. I want one like yours someday
@@carmenl9682 I'm so sorry that happened to you :( I hope you'll find someone who can be a good partner and thank you so much :') I'm not a jealous person in general but I think I would be if he gave me a reason, and I know he won't
@@buketslatuncer3387 I'm happy you have so much trust in him! Again I am envious~ Thanks so much, I hope I'll meet someone that I can trust as much as you trust your SO.
😭I genuinely want to cry...I think it's amazing and wonderful you dont feel jealous and yet here I am beating myself up feeling this terrible jealousy over a guy I'm dating...to the point I just wanna cut him off and disappear...I hate feeling this jealous..it literally hurts my stomach
Thank you so much for this video ❤ I love how you explain things in such a detailed and clear manner. I can’t tell you how much you helped me. 😊
So you said to act out the opposite of your instinct when your jealousy does not fit the situation, but what you're suggesting sounds to me like just not acting at all (i.e. letting go of trying to control your partner by not doing anything). What I initially thought of when you mentioned acting the opposite of your instinct was actively encouraging relationships between your partner and other people, or at least showing interest in them.
As an example, let's say someone is jealous of their partner's friend, and they know that the two have spent time together. The jealous instinct of that person would be to not ask about it, and act like it never happened, and maybe act defensive when the topic comes up.
So my question is, would it make sense for the jealous person in this example to act the opposite of their instinct, so to actively ask how it went and how their partner's day was? Or is what you mean rather to focus on oneself and to change the way one thinks about the relation to one's partner etc.? (Because I imagine it would be rather painful to act against one's instinct in this example, but I wondered if it might help)
I also have the same doubts/questions. I've been applying this when my partner hangs out with friends (one to one bc their friends work in opposite directions of their city) and I just ask them how it went and what did they do (in the less intrusive way, just plain curiosity) and they tell me everything I ask because they seem pretty okay with it. But at the same time I have this fear of not knowing everything? And I'm just fighting the feeling everytime my partner hangs out alone with another person.
Damn as a psych major, you inspire me!! I learned a lot today ❤️
this is so weird, i always intertwine envy with jealousy, i almost wish i was just envious about my friends but turns out i just really don’t want to lose them
Thank you for your videos! I enjoy every one very much and I'm glad that my home page suggested your channel to me 🧡
Aw I'm so glad! Thank you :)
Ana this was a very helpful video and I will implement your recommendations! Thank you very much, in fact, I'm a behavioral health nurse and it's easy to teach these however sometimes we are too close to our own problems to take our own advice...
Just because your paranoid doesnt mean people aren't trying to take from you.
I have a long distance boyfriend who goes out a lot, has a lot of friends, a lot of female friends and there's one in particular who is his very close friends since childhood. I have no reason to assume there was or is anything between them, but only knowing that they are hanging together all the time, she's a part of his life, present in it, much much more than I'm, often makes me very jealous, anxiuos, sad and stressed out.
I had issues with jealousy regarding my current boyfriend of three years.
I kind of sabotaged our prom, but regretted it a lot. He had a girl he liked before with whom he danced at a previous event, and he really treasures the memory. Even before we had our prom, I was kind of jealous, but not too much because I didn't see her as a threat. Well, we nearly broke up after the prom thing.
And since then (tbf, he did say a few quite mean things while we were fighting that clearly devalued me in that aspect, but technically it was just the truth) I've been super jealous of her. I've been jealous of how she looks, the intense feelings he had for her since she was his first crush etc. It made me miserable. I think, many months after that I still kept on bringing it up because it hurt.
To clarify, he doesn't have any contact with her anymore and doesn't plan to, and he said he loves me and only wants me etc.
But, the jealousy persisted. I suppose, because I was still scared he'd leave me for the prom thing. I got over it now already, but now I understand how I got over it. Because I stopped believing he'd leave me for that girl who gave him better memories.
I think, my overly romanticized image of him and her kind of stabbed me in the back. Apparently they were kinda cute, even though they weren't together. I thought they were fated for each other, but I just had to step in. (I asked him out on a date pretty randomly while he was still kinda into her, but not really anymore because he knew he couldn't be with her)
So, uh, yes. Jealousy, fun.
Would it be better for the individual to react when jealousy/envious feelings arise, because many don’t have emotional regulation and what could end up happening is suppressing emotions that could manifest in other behaviors/actions over time?
The part when one should feel some sort of pride when one’s partner is being sought after, that reminds me of the many that fall into the loop of abusive relationships, for the partner in cheating on said partner for they know they are being desired and try to justify what they are doing with, “oh you should be grateful you have me”, as if they are a prize to be won and they should be feeling grandiose for conquering them. The last part reminded me of the abusive manipulation some people fall into and I heard about how cheating can be viewed as an opportunity to finally put in boundary work and/or as you stated intimate vulnerability, but why should it take till that happens? Why not at the start at the dating phase, to be blunt and honor one’s own boundaries?
I’m definitely a big proponent of setting clear boundaries right from the start. I think what Esther Perel meant by the idea I referenced at the end was that jealousy can increase intimacy, but not that it’s something we should aspire for. She mentioned in her book that many people say their partner is most attractive when others are attracted to them. It’s not about feeling insecure or feeling stuck in an abusive relationship, but about acknowledging that you chose your partner for a reason, and that others will also see the value in them, but that you are still the one who gets their loyalty at the end of the day. Hope that clarifies things!
@@AnaPsychology I understand that it wasn’t aimed for the discussion of abusive/manipulative relationships, it reminded me of some cases where some have reinforced their abusive relationships with what was said, they see how others admire their partner and get territorial, then never leave for the unhealthy obsession that they have over them. I just wanted to bring another angle to it.
I’ve learned so much from your videos Ana and they have really helped me understand myself and my past relationships better. Thank you :)
Never react out of jealousy it is never going to solve the problem no matter what the situation is.
Hey Ana, so I got triggered at one point during my relationship with my ex. I don't know if I had the right to feel the way I did but here it goes. So one day, there was an event where we wrote out cards for children at the hospital during the holidays. I was with my friend before the event started and my ex-boyfriend was still in class but was going to come by later (he never mentioned, I just assumed). After a couple minutes, he ended up coming and he said hi to me and my friend. After he said hi to other people, he went to sit next to this girl that he apparently knows. They were sitting next to each other (pretty close) and I lowkey got suspicious and I even started crying over it. Later that night when me and my friends were at the actual event, we decided to get a snack from downstairs. As we were making our way downstairs, I noticed that my ex was sitting next to her along with her friends at the pub (there's a pub on the campus that we were in). During the event, I really did want him to be there but apparently, he decided to be with her and her friends. I continued to be triggered and after a while, I ended up getting ready to leave. We then saw each other before I left because he was making his way to the event room. I could smell beer on him and whatever. When I texted my friend about this, she called me jealous and possessive. Little did she know, earlier (about a year into our relationship), he flirted behind my back with some girl on DM's. My other friend was the one who came up to me with that information and when I confronted my ex, he then told me to isolate myself from the friend who told me this information in hopes that all of this would "blow over". I feel like my insecurities stemmed from the flirting incident, despite me not showing it or telling other people about it. Did I have the right to feel jealous during that event? I didn't address it to him because I've sometimes had to walk on egg shells near him. I got over it the next day but I still had it in the back of my mind.
In my opinion, I think you have a right to feel however you want to! I wonder how the conversation went, when you confronted him about the DM situation. If he was receptive to the concern, I feel like you could’ve also confronted him about the bar situation. Him talking to this woman and then later hanging out with her, brought up similar feelings of insecurity, and it made you feel unimportant! I think your feelings are valid, and you had a right to bring it up to him! Clear communication is so impt, and if he were open to hearing your feelings, he’d understand that he could’ve acted differently / or could’ve assured you afterwards that he’s only interested in you.
Feels... :(
thanks for the upload. i'm so jealous 😰
Or if your partner get jealous of you or someone else, that would make me realize how much they love me (in a way) and that could heat up the relationship as well
the first time i watched this video i was like no i actually have no reason to be jealous it’s just my insecurity 👌🏼 but my boyfriend confessed me something and now i definitely have a reason to be jealous. idk what’s the next step...
Is so bizarre to think that by this definition, im not actually jealous when a gf uploads an almost naked picture to ig. Because i have 0 fear of someone taking her away from me, I know 100% she will keep being with me afterwards.
Still it enrages me deeply, and just found out its because im extremely possessive, seeing this act as a monument(her) asking to get graffitti all over it(the typical omg juicy booty comments and reactions), which fully disgust me. Im not sure if this problem is even worst than being insecure snd jealous or im just someone who wants their morals to be taken into consideration...
I think the second one has more probability of being the reason. I mean, my partner and I don't like to upload that kind of photos and we agree to only do it between us with consent. Maybe you can talk it with your gf?
What to do when the reasons of feeling jealous are true? I mean, if they cheated and you try to give them a chance, is it okay to actually ask to stop having contact with the pearson they cheated? Sometimes I feel carried away with this idea of stop being toxic and not controll the actions of other person, but I couldn't even imagine giving a shot without that condition. Is it wrong? Shouldn't I ask for it? Asking for it was the sign it was over and there's no place for a chance?
All your videos are extremely helpful and useful.
Is cheating a deal breaker for you? If he will stop having contacts with that person, will you trust him like before the cheating?
If you feel bad because you feel like you can't trust him anymore, there is nothing wrong with letting go. You deserve to be happy and stay with someone that respect you
i love how you talk and think about stuff!
i wonder if you know what your mbti type is? i would like to know
Thank you! And I'm not too sure, I think maybe INFJ or something like that but the test isn't very empirically valid so I wouldn't give it too much weight
@@AnaPsychology oh yeah you kinda give me INFJ vibes too, thank u for answering!
Such a great video Ana!!!! Love you 😘
Thank you so much!
Heyyyy I just discovered your channel, finished watching that video about Romanian stereotypes and subscribed! Seeing the way you speak English with that perfect accent made me curious about your Romanian accent? Do you speak Romanian with an English accent or is it accent moldovenesc sau ardelenesc, etc.? Nu pot să-mi dau seama ^^
Buna! Multumesc mult, cred ca probabil vorbesc in romana cu accent american desi sper sa nu fie prea pronuntat hahah
@@AnaPsychology aww ce fain ! Știu cum sună accentul american de la Sebastian Stan (actorul care a jucat în filmul ăla Civil War drept Winter Soldier) și e așa belea, sună nemaipomenit
I can hardly wait to watch this one!
i love your videos they really help me!!
I like this Diabetical Vacation Therapy.
Thanks for this video! What are your thoughts on retroactive jealousy?
Is it sometimes worth it or healthy to express these feelings tho ? To be heard even if no action is needed to be taken
Great topic, content and explanation. Valuable. Thank you, kindly me. ♥️ Very special channel, a gem♥️ Thank you Miss Romania♥️
I’m a visual person and want to see your modified flow chart so I can actually write stuff down every time I have a jealous thought come up. Is there a way to make this or find a flow chart online for jealous situations in particular?
I totally feel you, I posted a photo of it here ua-cam.com/users/postUgxNmtdh_ik2gvu8Z8x4AaABCQ Hope it helps!
I always love your videos so much Ana. Neither my partner nor me have any jealousy problems, but I just love to hear you talk haha so here I am. Wish you all the best :)
Thank you so much! All the best to you too :)
Hi hi I love your advice and your approach to psychology🤍 thank you so much for your work. I was wondering if you would consider doing a video on receiving love and being open, letting go of control. I am someone who has a lot of love for everyone and I love to give, but sometimes I really struggle to receive. I’d like to work on that and would love to hear your take on this topic:)
This was amazing... I am in love 😍😍
Hi Ana do you offer this material on another platform? Maybe in writing?
love the timestamps!
Such a great content ana🙌❤️
What if you have a jealous and narcissistic mother, and your jealousy of your partner is a learned behavior in addition to relationship past trauma of being cheated on? How do you move on?
Wonderful content!
What about jealousy within open relationships x.x I suppose not considering their attention to others to take away from their love for you, but its hard man lol
I can't force someone to love me. Idk, I wont try to hold a partner who cheat, or be possesive. If they love me, they'll love me only.
Hey i adore your videos! Can you consider talking about dating a psychologist?
What are some ways people can change about how they think of the situation?
Why do I get the vibe that lors of dudes tried taking your dude away. I hate people who do that shit. Too many people in my life normalize this, that cheating is somehow inevitable ( girls I know ) . It's fucked.
What would be the "correct" way to react if your boyfriend was constantly following and liking a lot of other girls bikini/lingerie/provocative pictures all over social media almost everyday and even commenting on some of them saying they're "pretty" and that made you uncomfortable??
I had a similar situation in which my boyfriend was saving pictures of girls on social media which made me feel very uncomfortable. I knew it was trivial but it wasn't something I could let by as it really was something that was on my mind quite alot. So I handled it by sitting him down and addressing it to him. I told him that it made me feel uncomfortable and explained why this was and asked him to also explain his actions and why he felt the need to, i feel its good to also understand why and where his actions come from. And from this, I feel less inclined to feel hurt and insecure about him saving these photos, I know he loves me and that it is natural to find others attractive, but he also understands where I was coming from, and respects my boundaries and have since not done it . Not quite sure if it was the right approach and if this fixes anything but both parties understand eachother, and are in the end respecting eachothers actions and feelings. Communication is key, in which 2 people are trying to come to an understanding.
@@DaxAndKristen Thank you for replying, I can relate to some of that actually! Also I think it's one thing for your partner to do things they've always done on social media without thinking to much about it and not knowing it hurts you, but when you tell them it HURTS you and that it makes you feel unconfortable and sad and they tell you straight up: "I don't think I should stop doing it because I don't think I'm doing something wrong" and they don't even apologize for hurting you and then just keep doing it regardless, now knowing that it hurts you? It's pretty fucked up to me idk. They're just hurting you on purpose at this point... All I kept thinking was, "Hurting my feelings to the point I would cry was not enough of a reason to stop doing something so simple?" I just felt even more hurt, disrespected and unheard and not taken seriously at all. Also I always felt like he was constantly trying to hide things from me whenever he tried to tell me something I always felt like I wasn't getting the full story, but eventually it was the lying that messed everything up and broke my trust forever🤷♀️ he is now my ex and I never felt more relieved tbh..
This is amazing
Thank you!
What about BPD for the worthlessness? Thank you
wonderful thank you so much
Thank you so much ❤️
You're amazing
What about a friend that is clearly trying to steal xour friendship
Is it normal when I feel jealous I just fine a way to make my self busy and ignore my partner?
Thanks 😊
What if letting go of people backfires and they keep coming back to you?
What if someone is jealous of you ?
Assure them that you're not a threat and act accordingly to that.
10:30 tips
Off topic: Do you have an Instagram? 🥺💗 I’d love to follow you
💜💜💜💜
Pen in Bridgerton hahhaha
af·firm·a·tion
/ˌafərˈmāSH(ə)n/
noun 1. The action or process of affirming something or being affirmed.
"I'm nodding in affirmation to this video." Very well done and informative. Great Post. + Cool TShirt. (merch) 🙃😎✌️.