I used it because I thought I'm honoring my feelings an emotions and I promoted and I did not know that I was giving people a free pass with their an appropriate behaviors until this video today thanks to Dr Ana she changed my perspective and gave me alot to think and reflect about ❤
@@MrFakefall Using terms like gaslighting outside of the context that it is appropriate. Such as using it for lying or withholding the truth, and not as the ab*se tactic it is. Manipulation to these kind of people often mean "making me feel bad about something or holding me accountable." Which feeds into the ab*se tactic DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
valid means your feelings are there and need to be sorted through. I don't take it to mean 'my feelings are true and the story im telling myself about them is fact'
Yes thank you! 100 percent agree! And it also doesn’t mean the way I act on my feelings is valid. They are valid as in they are there and it’s actually unhealthy to deny that they are there or try to think them away. Because they need to be felt and sorted through because they tell me something. The way I might act on them may very well not be valid at all. I feel like a lot of people confuse those or use „my feelings are valid“ as an excuse to act shitty. EDIT: didn’t actually watch the video yet. In the introduction it kind of sounds like she’s saying the same thing. Will keep watching now. This „valid means having a sound basis in logic or fact“ I feel like doesn’t apply here and rather valid as in „my ticket is valid“ meaning it has a right to be there.
Agreed. I’m not sure why there was any need to pick apart what the word “valid” means in this case. I agree with the distinction that was made in the video because I already understood the statement as such.
As philosophy majors, we learn in intro to logic that a valid argument may not be sound. Validity is whether the argument follows from the premises and soundness includes this but also entails that the premises are factually correct. So all feeling may be valid, but not all feelings are sound
Soundness only states whether or not the premises are factually correct. Apples can be red or yellow. Bananas are yellow. Apples can be bananas. Sound, but invalid, argument.
I always wondered if philosophy is a valid (pun intended) major. I have debated switching majors multiple times, and was curious if you believe it is a safe career? (job potential during/after college)
Good tip that I heard from someone: feelings are always valid, but not always justified. I always thought of valid in this context similar to what you said: the person has a right to their feelings. I think the problem I see sometimes is the conflation of challenging someone on their perspective and emotional truth as invalidating.
Language is important. For me, it sounds more correct to say “my feelings are natural”. Natural doesn’t mean it’s correct or that the behavior is acceptable
While I agree with your intent, the context of a larger society that does hold "natural" as correct and acceptable, I would argue that refraining from use of language around something being "natural" is probably a better choice.
Great video! I think emotions are like smoke detectors which can quickly alert us of things going right or wrong. However, they can sometimes give false positives, so we should take into account other factors too to properly assess a situation instead of thinking there must be a fire just because the smoke detector went off.
@@jahoytodiesforahoy4615 again, simply validating that the alarm is going off does not mean you are immediately assuming there is a fire. I’m starting to see why so many people still struggle in relationships. To validate does not mean to agree with..
“Your feelings are valid” helped me a lot in coming out of a high control religion. It helped me stop compounding negative emotions (or suppressing positive ones) by drowning them in shame, guilt, anger, and self-blame. I grew up in a community where very specific emotions were to be performed in specific ways on a daily basis and performing those emotions was a way of demonstrating your closeness to God (because God would make sure you didn’t feel things like fear or doubt or lust, so if you DID feel those things it was an indicator of sin). So learning that feelings are just feelings and aren’t a measure of my worth as a person was essential to me starting to function once I left that community. But I also had to learn that my feelings were not necessarily *true*. Anxiety about something wasn’t a premonition that it’d go poorly. Being hurt didn’t mean someone had intentionally hurt me. My insecurities were largely in my own head. Meditation helped a lot with this, though it was frustrating at first. It took a while to realize that emotions can just be flashes of memory, sensation, and neurotransmitters and I’m allowed to accept them and then let them go without trying to dig down to the root of every negative feeling so I can fix it. Giving up on the promise of not feeling bad things anymore was the hardest part of leaving that high-control group, but it’s not like it was working. It was just making me better at pretending and pressuring me to believe other people who were probably pretending.
I never liked the use of the word valid this way. Especially because the word was gaining a lot of popularity during a time when I was super dysregulated and struggling. I did not want my feelings to be valid. They were irrational and causing me a lot of distress and I wanted to hear that this was a temporary state and I deserve to feel normal, not that the way I was feeling at that moment was valid and should be accepted in some form. I have been able to express that to my therapists over the years and we use different language to discuss feelings. I'm glad that the people around me stopped using the "your feelings are valid" type of language in general also.
This is incredibly wise and humble of you. It seems that people become so entitled and desperate to be right all the time that it's hard to imagine most people coming to this self-realization. I know that people are very selfish because they are deep down very defensive but this will never excuse the truly, deeply important realities going on all around us. Issues which need to be *properly* addressed. Just like you shared.❤ I wonder if you also experience a lot of pain and frustration with the misuse of so many other, now *pop terms*, that people have been bandwagoning with. Such as using the use of the term trauma-bonding to point toward a bond between two people with similar traumas. I'm just so frustrated with everyone using half-truths and misinformation to get away with the degradation of our quality of life.
@@GentleJungleomg trauma bonding is driving me up the freaking wall. It's so minimizing to people who have actually been in an abusive relationship. "That could never be me. I worked retail and all of the employees trauma bonded over black Friday. Still doesn't mean I would let them abuse me"
This conversation is SO needed. So many people use therapy speech to excuse themselves instead of improving their own emotional health and interpersonal relationships
Throughout my life I was pervasively told that emotions were the opposite of rational thinking. Basically feelings were "bad" and "things that skew our perception" rather than anything useful. Ultimately this was a way for my family to get me to ignore my emotions (mostly to stop me from having any anger at the injustice in my life). ...this is probably an unusual one, but this was my family's weapon of choice.
Oh! This is basically what I had going on in my family too. I literally emulated Spock from Star Trek TOS because I was so distressed by how extreme and out-of-touch-with-situations my emotions were. It’s fun seeing how Star Trek breaks this idea down at times because it’s the exact thing that the Vulcans do (since the story is they used to be so violent they almost went extinct just from their constant fighting, but a sage came up with a method of approaching everything without an emotional response which saved them from themselves… probably unnecessarily because the Romulans haven’t had those problems).
@@LazerechoNo, but I desperately worked for years to push down and think through my feelings instead of feeling them. Now I try to work through the feelings by considering if they make sense while also letting myself feel them. It’s very hard for me to regulate anything but being on antidepressants has actually had a major effect of making that easier: I don’t have to think everything away in order to not completely explode anymore, and I find that very interesting.
@@darkstarr984 The problem is, what star trek tries to tell you about being like this is that it doesn't let you interact and form healthy relationships. The Vulcans instead of dealing with their issue decided to suppress it, and by doing that, they often hurt those around them even though their intention isn't to do that. Star Trek Voyager has a few episodes in it touching on this with tupok and his interactions with other people. Always using logic and rejecting emotion stunts your ability to truly help and understand other people.
I never knew that people thought that all emotions are valid meant that they can react any kind of way. I always just saw it as a reminder to not shame and suppress my emotions. I used that phrase whenever my emotions didn't align with what seemed logical.
If people are using balanced expectations, they will understand that having feelings is normal and that feelings need to be addressed and worked through. Some will be based on real slights or injustice, and others will be based on unrealistic desires. But if a person has unhealthy relationships with feelings or is manipulative of someone else's feelings, then you get that 'I can react with screaming/ punching walls because my feelings tell me to and you have to validate my feelings' kind of attitude
@@pilis.5681 respectfully, it’s the normal response because of the rise of illiteracy.. while for some of us it is because the parent used emotional expression as an excuse , as you’ve said.
Thanks so much, wish I could send this to her without sending it to her. 8 years of therapy and she still uses 'it was just a feeling I have' and 'when I feel something there's always a base in reality ' no there's not. I had to let go because it got exhausting and the eggshells were closing in.
With my symptoms, I think it angers me more when people tell me my feelings are valid. Like. No, it’s not logical for me to assume my best friend is after my husband when she has her own significant other and he’s never shown disloyalty to me, and they both have shown me that they care for me. It’s not valid, and saying it is kind of allows the irrational black and white thinking to continue. “If they’re saying I’m right to think that, then other people must see the attraction between them” I want to know how to disarm those thoughts, not fuel them which is what I feel like the “your feelings are valid” notion kind of does
I'm assuming the actual emotion here is jealousy? Yeah, the jealousy doesn't fit the facts, but I think it's alright to say that it's *understandable* why you feel that jealousy because of the issues you struggle with. That's validating but still sits on one side of the dialectical of looking at that emotion and not treating it like it's religious doctrine---in other words, questioning the messages it's sending you and deciding how to act from there. That's where opposite action, a DBT skill, often comes in, but tbh I have yet to get that one down lmao
No offense, but before saying that your feelings aren't valid, it would actually be helpful to learn to differentiate "feelings" and "thoughts". Your feelings probably won't change until you accept them, and your body has a reason why it feels that way (doesn't have to be the actual situation, can also be a trauma response). You're continuing the black and white thinking at this point, without even noticing it.
Umm, invalidating your feelings lead to them bottling up and heavily damaging your personal relationships. Feelings are that, feelings, you need to actually feel them for them to go away, denying their existance is saving them up for later, and eventually it wont be possible to keep delaying them. The thing is, you need to validate and experience them in order to actually find the cause that is generating them and treating it accordingly, otherwise you are literally just harming yourself.
@whitethereal5283 That is not what validating means... you need to do the opposite. you need to challenge strong feelings that aren't based in reality, analyze, and change them. Not validate them.
This video hit the spot for me. I just ended a relationship where the other person had "all MY feelings are valid" mentality. It made me feel like i was hurting that person for setting my boundries since it made them angry= i hurt them. Some people struggle with reasoning while emotions appear, it's a struggle to maintain your own believe system and not get guilt tripped. It is still a mystery to me how to trust myself in those situations, since it is possible that i might be in the wrong even if i tried to be sincere.
I had an emotion when you said you’re thankful you’re no longer a therapist 😭 I think because I’m a therapist and currently in the trenches somehow. And in all seriousness I really enjoyed this topic!! Balancing emotion with reason has saved my life
We don't have control over what we feel or think- but what we do next matters. Not every impulse we have needs to be validated, reinforced or enacted. At times we have to stop, feel it, have a critical think about our selves, and take a step away from disproportionate or unhelpful thoughts and feelings.
Some people genuinely have a hard time understanding what they are feeling and why. The first step is to identify the feeling and to acknowledge you are in fact feeling it (validate).
Some people are stuck in denial about their feelings which is probably why validation of feelings even became a concept.. some people can’t accept that they are jealous or angry about something due to pride.
in the sense of "valid" meaning "real and exists" then yes, all emotions are real and they exist because you've experienced them, but not all emotions are reflective of reality
I'm a very logical person, and grew up with a mom who was very much wild behaviour based on wild emotions. I like breaking down the disconnect there. Emotions are valid, behaviours based on those emotions are not always valid.
I’ve never really thought about whether my emotion is 'valid' but very recently have instead focused on actually recognizing it in that moment (prompted by a mild existential crisis and my entire life of generic masculine emotional repression). Just naming the emotion as it arises has helped me better understand my response and start uncovering its deeper roots-something I’m only now beginning to explore, its hard.
Cristal clear! I wish they had psychologists like you in my native country Sweden. Because there invalidation is a long tradition. Older people still practice it. Younger people have understood that emotions and feelings are tools for life.
I'm glad you posted this! I've been feeling repulsed by people using emotional reasoning and insisting their strong reactions are always right. They sometimes pass off their lack of emotional regulation as emotional intelligence. Now you've helped me articulate why I run away from them 😅
This is a good one. It's hard to come to terms with not being a perfect victim sometimes in those situations where you overreact to an actual injustice being perpetrated on you. It's like a small form of ego death. Also, Wtf is with all the magnetic aura bots lol
I learnt this lesson the hard way. It is so true manipulative people love this expression or this point of view "I have emotions, therefore I am right". My ex cheated and then years down the road wanted to get back together. Won't get too much into the details, I was over it by that point but the reason why it didn't work was simply the entitlement and the selfishness...And well having no class. lol. anyway there were discussions on what transpired between us and when I cut the bullshit out there was this question thrown at me "why don't you take my feelings into account as to why I did what I did, you are invalidating my feelings" well it was lies. So I simply said "I am not invalidating them neither do I accept them because they are not factual, and even if your feelings are real what you claim to be their reason is not real." Seeing that expression of shock was priceless. So strange these so called "empaths" believe they can cheat on someone and then guilt trip them into taking them back. And it is weird how people get offended when you say "you slept with other men and went behind my back, and there is no going back from that for me so I've moved on. Wish you the best though, goodbye."
With my eldest daughter, 10 yo, I had someone else tell her her emotions are valid, no matter what. She needs validation and doesn't need people telling her how to feel, which she gets a lot of from my ex wife. The advice was well meant, but led to other problems. My follow-up has been "you have the right to your feelings, but what you choose to do with them can quickly tread on other people's rights, and you don't get to do that."
This is SO well said. I've gone to great lengths to hear my BPD partner out about my actions that have unknowingly made her feel insecure, but the context is always her making false accusations that I've been disloyal. She tells me that me that correcting the record about actual events is invalidating her feelings. It's really just separating the wrong conclusions shes been lead to by emotional reasoning from the things that really happened, that I can improve on.
@katc2040 I would take accountability if that were the case. Her triggers are specific to ways she's caught exes cheating: if my sister or mom's clothes ended up in my laundry when I lived with them, it was interrogation. Hairs on my clothes that can't identify as hers? Has to be a girl I'm seeing. Cue worst case scenarios that she struggles to convince herself aren't real. I love her and have compassion for her, but that has been exhausting to experience.
This is a great topic. I was just talking about this today. I have a sister who was the golden child of our large dysfunctional family. She frequently expresses jealousy whenever one of the other siblings receives any meaningful support from our parents. (We are all adults now.) I used to validate her feelings. Now, I think I’m going to challenge her on it more. She received a large majority of support in the family and is now very entitled. Her narrative that it’s not fair when others get support-it just isn’t true. I’ve noticed this jealousy habit of hers is damaging her relationships.
Yea challenge the interpretation. Maybe she feels left out like immediately, but the conclusion that "it's not fair" is misguided. Anyway, resolving her personality is NOT your responsibility. Specifically, don't mistake her frequent 'admission of having issues' as readiness for personal growth or anything like that. She could just be looking for support from you to compensate for missed opportunity of attention from parents
I had the same issue with my golden child sister. She always felt entitled to help and would mock anyone else who received help in the family. She extended this to my children & her daughter.
This video is a wonderful reminder that both emotion and logic are important, that one side should not be held to a higher importance, and that both should basically “work together” to deal with issues in life. Thank you for sharing!
For example, let's say if you feel a reactionary emotion like be anger/threatened. This could be caused from a true threat or mistreatment, but also strike ones ego and because a deep rooted issue that you might not encountered or have a true settlement of the outcome that was first presented. If you do not have the exact wisdom of how/handle the conflict. You then could impose your misbelief onto another person and then retaliate which causes harm to that persons life for no reason, which would then entail parasitical behavior on your behalf. Because you are imposing your will on the other person, which get s into punishment territory. It's very important to think before you act and not break the golden rule (treat others like you would like to be treated).
Thank you so much for this. I have bipolar disorder, so when I'm unwell my emotions can become very intense, unfounded, and annoying for me to sort through. I have a couple very supportive friends who I love very much and am incredibly but when I share my struggles with this they tend to say my emotions are valid as a go-to support phrase, which is kinda... not true in this situation.
Hi Dr. Ana! Your insights in this video were very helpful-but id really like to appreciate your communication here. Your delivery was crisp and clear, the organization of the ideas felt very structured, and it really didnt feel long at all! I appreciate you for sharing your knowledge to the world.
"The right to feel them" ... an element I didn't hear talked about is the physical experience. It's taken a lot of years, and some well experienced therapists to help me navigate through "I'm highly anxious" versus "My blood pressure and heart rate are high". I've received a lot of validation, when I was trying to describe a physical problem that exacerbates high intense situations. Was able to get diagnosed with a medical issue when I stopped telling my professionals I also felt anxious when my body did that. It took a long time to find people who could view it both ways... body is in stress which makes the emotion higher, versus the emotion gets high and the body responds.
This is exactly what I have worked on being able to do for a while now. Not suppressing/denying/ignoring my emotions, but try to take a step back and analyze if they really make sense. For now, I'm pretty satisfied with the fact that most of the time that I get angry, I'm able to not get carried away by the anger. If you don't know what's going on, it looks like I'm giving you the silent treatment. But that's me containing the anger while I analyze it's validity in the situation.
Hey, kind of unrelated, but you have a candle lit very close to your ceiling and I'd recommend NOT doing that. 1, you could burn a dark mark into the wall. 2, that spot could get hot enough to catch fire.
Your emotions are always _trying_ to keep you safe and help you. The key word there is *trying* to keep you safe, im always trying to get As on every single test and always perfectly do everything I do, doesn't mean I get anywhere near close to that. And so too are emotions, they try to keep you safe and help you succeed but they frequently fail at that, and sometimes catastrophically such as in the case of a mother angry at her daughter for having her own table at her own wedding.
I really like the phrasing “your feelings are valid,” and I think that’s partially because I learned about it along with the disclaimer that the thoughts and beliefs behind those emotions are not always true. My understanding of the sentiment is along the lines of “your feelings are important and a natural result of your perception of this situation which is shaped by your past experiences.” I think it’s natural that emotional reactions are not based solely on the immediate experience but also on previous experiences, especially if they haven’t been processed.
Great video! I say a lot of this stuff to my fiance when she invalidates her own emotions because they don't make sense or aren't what she wants to be feeling. "You can't have a wrong feeling" usually paired with "You can have a wrong response to those feelings however" I was a bit worried going into this that I might have been saying things that were harmful, just based on the title, but it's good to know I'm on the right track!
Interesting discussion! I have feelings that I recognize as unhealthy. An attempt to stop these feelings through stuffing them down and shaming myself does not heal these unhealthy feelings. I like to sit with the feelings to understand what the feeling is rooted in. Is it past trauma? Is it fear? is it insecurity? is it entitlement? Often, simply stopping myself to take a deep breath and reflect is enough for me to let it go for the moment. I can dislike a person for being a valid threat to my own health, without expanding that threat into any deeper feelings towards that person or myself.
I've definitely been on the receiving end of the weaponization of this phrase. I found myself trying desperately to explain that "emotions are valid, but they are not rational." This is much more beautifully succinct and explanatory. Thank you for this.
When i hear the statement that "your emotions are valid" i think it's saying "your feelings are coming from you". The fact that your feelings come from you is the reason they are valid basically. It doesn't mean that they are justified/sound (the difference between a valid and sound argument in philosophy (where the term "valid" comes from) is a big difference.
To me "your feelings are coming from you" is the opposite of "valid emotions" tho. Because it disregards options that any those feelings are relevant and even possibly caused by immediate situation, since basically "they were made *alone* inside of you" or "you 'made' them somehow yourself". Also "your feelings are coming from you" is such a wannabe, even incorrect truism. Like it's plain wrong. You totally forgot about empathy? Also emotions are reactions, it doesn't make too much sense telling where they 'start'. Desire is about something you don't have, it's literally not 'from you'. And what's the logic even, any words actually come "from somebody, from ones mouth", no reason to see them as valid for it. The validity of emotions doesn't mean they necessarilly bear importance to people around a person. It means they hold some value for that person themself. How much that's about present, in what way, and how much about something else is on the person to figure out. Appropriate for examination, that's all. Applicability to the direct situation would I guess be what you mean with 'justified/sound'
@whataboutthis10 The statement that "your feelings are coming from you" in how I think of it is meant to show your emotional experience is yours/your unique reaction to the world around and inside of yourself. Basically the idea equates to "it makes sense that you feel this way because that's how you learned to feel relative to your experience".
Helpful and clear. DBT has helped me to a greater degree than CBT. In the latter, I typically already knew what was said. In DBT, I found help because it led me to recognize both that I was having emotions and what they were. Then I could work through whether or not they were valid to the situation (I’m intending the same definition) and how to regulate them. The logical formula helps those of use who never seemed to think nor communicate as most people seemed to communicate and think! (That’s what 68 years of “probable diagnosis” will do for you!)
Complete true. I’ve had to fight against the feelings I’ve had to make sure I’m a good person. I could easily be evil if I gave into my feelings and tried to validate them. I am in control. Not my feelings. They serve me. If I allow them to control me that’s on me
Being her yes-man may be a slippery slope bc trying to avoid making her sad may turn into enabling her bad behavior when it does arise (if she’s human, it will inevitably lol). It sounds like she may need help interpreting her emotions and if so, I hope knowing this will make it clearer for you on how to best support her. Good luck!
If you always listen to them vent even if you don't want to, there may be a subconscious expectation they do the same for you, even when they don't want to. This can lead to resentment if they don't, but they never agreed this deal. But she's asking if she can vent about it so that's good, just make sure you consider you're allowed to say "no not right now."
@@emanuelcaparelli there's a problem with her question tho, if it goes like oc said. The fact you suggest "he is supposed to check if he can reject" should already give it away. The problem is she first starts venting and only asks for permission after. You don't ask for consent after-the-fact, that's guilt-washing etc. The concrete issue is that after a certain problem has already been introduced and she asks for permission, he's no longer judging how appropriate the moment is just based on his state - which should be the norm. After some information is given, he's forced into a decision based both on his state *and* the perceived severity of her issue. In such case his potential rejection is not saying just "not the right time for me" but automatically also "your issue does not seem important enough". Starting with the problem, she frames his potential rejection as invalidation of her stuff: textbook emotional manipulation. That's all even without the fact our guy here has clear issues with 'saying no'. A whole another topic, various fears usually contribute. How she might have contributed to this is not even the main focus, because probably his difficulty to be authentic has much deeper roots. OC if you're reading this: that's a _very serious_ issue, and it's way more important to address and resolve that, than keeping a relationship. Momentary 'convenience' should not routinely be prioritised over long-term health.
Emotional reasoning serves your ego, whereas listening to the messages from your emotions (in good faith that is) serves deeper personal growth. Some people boost their ego by giving off the facade of growth and self-reflection, but it comes across as shallow and self-serving. The difference between crying because you're truly sorry, and crying because you got into trouble/hurt your image.
I think it's about feeling seen and heard. I say "your feelings are real", sometimes we're not rational and just want to try to express ourselves as a means to communicate something we're struggling with. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable like that if they didn't react in a harmful way and only said what they felt.
I just found this channel, but I’m glad I did. Your insight is very helpful and it gives me more help with the things I talk about with my therapist. Thank you!
I always thought that valid in this case was more like how valid is used when filling out digital forms. Validation determines what values you are allowed to enter, but doesn't necessarily mean that the entered value is true. When someone invalidates someones feelings they are saying "you aren't allowed to feel that" or "that's not what you are feeling". Having this done to you repeatedly, especially as a child can lead to you not being able to trust your own emotional signals.
I used to agree with this statement, but seeing how many people interpret it differently, I think a better statement would be 'your feelings matter'. This doesn't imply any kind of rationality to them but still validates the person
Love the nuance in this video! It's great to hear you explain the strengths and weaknesses of different forms of therapy - it's always so fascinating to get a new/expanded perspective on things! I think it's so important for patients and therapists to be in agreement regarding goals of therapy, so that the correct approach can be used (and an accurate diagnosis can be made in the first place). Saying this as someone with ADHD who spent years trying to resolve my "anxiety" and "depression" using CBT... yea... that was not a good fit. Mistakes were made, lol. (I mean, I'm sure the CBT would have been effective, if I were actually suffering from anxiety and/or depression). I think years of inaccurate diagnosis, and subsequent inaccurate treatment caused a lot more shame and emotional dysregulation than it resolved - however, when I finally got an accurate diagnosis, I started doing ACT therapy and IFS, both of which actually addressed/validated my emotions, allowed me to acknowledge their impact on my cognition, and then taught me to challenge and manage my distressing thoughts and feelings in healthy, useful ways. Long story short - I totally agree, and I think you make several great points. Emotions need to be understood and addressed, not just taken as gospel. (Or suppressed... suppressing is bad too, lol). 😅
I think some emotions may be invalid, meaning it is evil/wrong to feel them. For example, feeling turned on in response to a child. For example, telling your partner you love them, but having never felt love, instead feeling disgust and anger.
I work currently as DBT therapist (intern) and I find that the work of validation is in the context of an overarching experience of constant shame and invalidation that’s internalized, as well as often existing externally. In addition, the weakness of self experience also causes trauma and past events to flood into the present very easily, so like you say these cognitive distortions can come up so easily. I try to help my clients let all emotions exist but remind them that emotions just exist, we have to choose what we do and what consequences our own behaviors have. I find that some aspect of DBT skills rely on maxims, and I try to add in more reflective functioning and mentalizing into the therapy sessions as a result
@@vivvy_0 the term is called psychological equivalence, so if internally one is feeling bad, it affects how they process events, interactions, people etc in the outside world. A trigger from a past even or trauma in the present will connect many similar events in the addition to whats going on, making someone have a meltdown or feel deep pain in a rapid procession. Essentially, as a result of having a weaker sense of self (which is a byproduct of upbringing and life circumstances and not a personal flaw), almost as if the self is a "rock" of sorts, it is easier to become overwhelmed and evaluations of self and other to rapidly change. sorry for long reply just want to be clear about what I mean
I let my emotions pick the general direction of my life while my reason handles the navigation. And also I see my knee jerk emotional responses as a shortcut or intuition accessing a situation. A flag to tell me to pay attention, good or bad. With intentional attention, you learn what emotions fit what scenarios.
As I understand it validation in dbt simply means acknowledging the feeling is there. There is no judgement if that is the appriopriate, acceptable or based in fact feeling. However that doesn't mean the way it is expressed or acted upon is effective or appriopriate. Alan Fruzetti does a nice job of explaining the difference in his lectures on youtube.
As someone who struggles with receptive language processing, I can understand why therapists' refusal to honor the implications of "all emotions are valid" is invalidating. I get upset when my attempts to communicate important information are misunderstood and interpreted as rude, because I'm asking for an answer to a confusing question and instead I get labeled as rude, blunt, and too honest. I've had enough people say this to me enough in the past that my intense thoughts and feelings surrounding being fundamentally misunderstood feel incredibly accurate in the moment but upon further reflection, I think they can become both valid and sound when I ask for clarification and get the answer I'm looking for. However, I'm not always sure if this is actually a language processing problem or a problem with tolerating uncertainty. What do you all think?
I have the same challenges that arise. I’m neurodivergent so mine might by stem from this, and I’ve had to grieve friendships due to this. It can be so hard
Awesome video. I’ve sort of come to this same realization by observing my BI kiddos. Some emotional outbursts are just simply not necessary for the situation at hand.
I need advice, this video is perfect timing. Contect: iv been talking to an amzing woman fir the past month, we got to learn about each other and spend quit some time together. We feel comfortable together and our hearts have peace. We have the convo about that we want something more and going ti take it slow with our end goal being to end to together. All fun and games. Today I visited her again and all seemed fine till she said we needs to talk. It wasn’t a good one( i hear her heart and that these following points bother her). She said shes scared that ill treat her as her past relationships, even though i didnt give her any reasons to feel that way, she even said that. There are other points asweel. I just dint know what to do, she said we should take it back to a step of just friends, but u cant take things back a step. Once u crossed the line from friendship it cant be reversed
That's a tough situation. It's understandable for her to be guarded from a history of trauma and bad relationships. But it's still her responsibility to deal with her personal baggage and not let it drag down connections with others. And it's not quite fair to you that she preemptively regards you as someone that could hurt her like others have. The way I see it, she could actually be doing you a favor because her trust issues may compromise the relationship in the long-term. My friend actually went through a similar situation recently. His date had a history of cheating and scumbag exes who treated her very badly. My friend wanted to be exclusive with her, but she didn't. Their hearts were in two different places, so they stopped seeing each other. I think you have to make a decision for yourself and think about if you can wait for her to eventually let go of her baggage, or if it's not worth the time, effort, and emotional energy. As it stands, you two are incompatible in terms of availability.
This is about consent. From that perspective, her reasons are irrelevant. She has said no to a romantic relationship so it's important to respect that. If you feel that going back to being friends is not possible then the healthiest thing to do would be letting her know that and moving on.
@@alrighttumbleweed4782 agreed. This one doesn't seem it's about "making it work". Also, beware of potential change of her mind after letting her know her suggestion wouldn't work with you!
I take the stoic (Capital “S” stoic, not the colloquial and unhealthy “stoic”) of understanding that what I feel isn’t up to me, but how I handle and process it is. An example of this is I always have an overwhelming romantic and sexual urge to cheat on my partners, but I also understand that non-monogamy isn’t for me either, given managing a web of relationships like that stresses me out too much. I understand which struggle I’m better at tackling and always keep in mind that whoever things are warming up with is not worth hurting someone and ruining a stable relationship. I cutoff and redirect the tension that can occasionally happen with me and someone I mutually like, and put that energy elsewhere and that understand that what I do is always up to me. I’ve also learned to take pride in my ability to turn down a situation that another guy might fail to
I suppose this connects to someone doing something they genuinely didn’t want to do, yet the emotions experienced in the moment obscure the truth - making the feeling and the action it motivates seem like the true reality instead.
Thank you 😢 I just got into a fight with my partner and they’re Dismissive Avoidant and I’m anxious as hell so we’re having so much trouble to even communicate. I’m trying and trying and she needs space, and it’s really hard to even have a conversation.
It's just another part of toxic positivity. As someone who has pretty irrational feelings of hatred once a month, i definitely can't defend all feelings as being valid. There comes a point where you may just have pms, like me. There is nothing wrong with it, but it would be cruel to the people in my life to validate those feelings instead of taking a step back and realising i might just be a tad hormonal.
I understand validity of feelings to refer to the logical outcome of the mind’s logic. It does NOT mean the mind’s logic is “valid” or consistent propositionally (contradictions/dissonances usually exist), but rather that the feelings are “valid,” or a consistent reflection of how someone thinks / is programmed to experience reality deep down (whether or not they disavow the logic of how they work). In fact, the contradictory nature of the mind’s programming leads to conflicting emotions being experienced at the same time: like a movie with a perfectly bittersweet ending makes me sad the protagonist died but happy they got what they wanted in the end simultaneously. A more explicit contradiction is the common experience of you’re not sure whether you love or hate someone.
"When you feel angry, typically that's because an injustice has occurred." You mean it's because *you believe* an injustice has occurred. Big difference. (Only a minute in, maybe you address this later.)
if I wanted to sit with my daughter at her weeding day, it's not because I think it's about me, but because I want to be with her on this day and I hope she would want me near too, also I would want to make sure she's happy. anyway, good video :) thank you!
The trippy thing about facts IMO compared to this emotions stuff is when facts aren't the same thing as truth. What I mean is we can sometimes not know that we don't know something. And that makes the fact a false fact.
It's funny, but the issue with the term "valid" here is seems exclusive to the English language to me. In Hebrew for example, it is much more fitting to use the word "legitimate" here, as in "your feelings as legitimate", but often I've just said "its okay to feel X in this situation", same in Russian really. But I think to say that a feeling is "wrong" to feel in a situation isn't the best formulation of things. When overwhelmed by emotions, often what feels "right" might be harmful to yourself or others, I think the right way to think here is what will be the most functional response?, what will serve me best in this situation? Especially in the long term. Then in the example you've given, storming out might feel "right", but staying there and showing compassion will help both with the relationship with the person telling the story and help with the anger itself. I think calling the right response "functional" or "serves me best in the long run" rather than "right" helps avoid the confusion, and well, it is what I usually do.
I take feelings to mean emotions based on one’s ethics, needs, and sense of hope. NOT feelings based on negative biases such as group polarized suspicion, societal rules and norms, or doctrine made to depict or shame groups or individual needs in derogatory ways.
Envry is something you want, Jealousy is something fear losing. Jealousy doesn't mean insecure. It's tell you that you need to do something or you will lose something. So you might be envious of relationship a friends has. You could jealous that you relation might end. If you feel the jealousy it will direct you to doing good things for a relationship. Direct you to having the uncomfortable conversation that creates growth in the relationship. If you suppress jealousy it turn in the green eyed monster most associate with jealousy. So jealousy is very valid and useful.
I see this one weaponized a lot!!😭😭😭 so frustrating cuz I struggle with this internally and seeing ppl use it to justify trash makes me feel like I’m onto something challenging myself lmao help I’m beyond help it’s ok tho Also I have bpd too, so I have spent many hours debating these skills and their soundness when the logic isn’t always sound to begin with (like u said my emotions literally aren’t always valid lol) I see therapy stuff weaponized a lot among people, it’s really awful I agree a lot
In general, it's a good rule in life to avoid people who weaponize therapyspeak and can't take responsibility for anything
Unfortunately, I have had bad experiences with people like this
Really puts into perspective the idea of “hurt people hurt”
I used it because I thought I'm honoring my feelings an emotions and I promoted and I did not know that I was giving people a free pass with their an appropriate behaviors until this video today thanks to Dr Ana she changed my perspective and gave me alot to think and reflect about ❤
What do you mean by weaponizing therapyspeak?
That's my parents so there's no there's no easy way out, but sure
@@MrFakefall Using terms like gaslighting outside of the context that it is appropriate. Such as using it for lying or withholding the truth, and not as the ab*se tactic it is. Manipulation to these kind of people often mean "making me feel bad about something or holding me accountable." Which feeds into the ab*se tactic DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
valid means your feelings are there and need to be sorted through. I don't take it to mean 'my feelings are true and the story im telling myself about them is fact'
Yes thank you! 100 percent agree! And it also doesn’t mean the way I act on my feelings is valid. They are valid as in they are there and it’s actually unhealthy to deny that they are there or try to think them away. Because they need to be felt and sorted through because they tell me something. The way I might act on them may very well not be valid at all. I feel like a lot of people confuse those or use „my feelings are valid“ as an excuse to act shitty.
EDIT: didn’t actually watch the video yet. In the introduction it kind of sounds like she’s saying the same thing. Will keep watching now.
This „valid means having a sound basis in logic or fact“ I feel like doesn’t apply here and rather valid as in „my ticket is valid“ meaning it has a right to be there.
I may be wrong but it seems that a great deal of problems and conflicts could be avoided if people wouldn't take abstract concepts so literally
Agreed. I’m not sure why there was any need to pick apart what the word “valid” means in this case. I agree with the distinction that was made in the video because I already understood the statement as such.
This is a better way to reframe the idea of validating feelings. “Your feelings EXIST and are there to SHOW you somethin.” Thank you.
"The customer is always right"
As philosophy majors, we learn in intro to logic that a valid argument may not be sound. Validity is whether the argument follows from the premises and soundness includes this but also entails that the premises are factually correct. So all feeling may be valid, but not all feelings are sound
That’s such a good way to put it!
That’s super interesting and helpful!
Soundness only states whether or not the premises are factually correct.
Apples can be red or yellow.
Bananas are yellow.
Apples can be bananas.
Sound, but invalid, argument.
I always wondered if philosophy is a valid (pun intended) major. I have debated switching majors multiple times, and was curious if you believe it is a safe career? (job potential during/after college)
Pretty much in short, we should always ask ourselves “…am I trippin?” Cus you probably are and you need to calm down 😂
Good tip that I heard from someone: feelings are always valid, but not always justified. I always thought of valid in this context similar to what you said: the person has a right to their feelings. I think the problem I see sometimes is the conflation of challenging someone on their perspective and emotional truth as invalidating.
People don't always have a right to their feelings, either.
Language is important. For me, it sounds more correct to say “my feelings are natural”. Natural doesn’t mean it’s correct or that the behavior is acceptable
While I agree with your intent, the context of a larger society that does hold "natural" as correct and acceptable, I would argue that refraining from use of language around something being "natural" is probably a better choice.
That's super interesting. I 100% agree!
Similar to what Mike Israetel said. “Your feelings are valid but they don’t always necessarily fit the facts of the situation.”
Mike Glutes
Did NOT expect a Mike Israetel quote in these comments lmao
@ hahaha he dropped a gem!
Crossover unexpected
Its funny because Dr Mike is crazy😭😭 i love dr mike but hes a bit wild sometimes
Great video! I think emotions are like smoke detectors which can quickly alert us of things going right or wrong. However, they can sometimes give false positives, so we should take into account other factors too to properly assess a situation instead of thinking there must be a fire just because the smoke detector went off.
Such a great way to put it!
Hence why it's exhausting when your smoke alarms are faulty 90% of the time yet people keep telling you they're correct 😅
@@jahoytodiesforahoy4615 again, simply validating that the alarm is going off does not mean you are immediately assuming there is a fire. I’m starting to see why so many people still struggle in relationships. To validate does not mean to agree with..
“Your feelings are valid” helped me a lot in coming out of a high control religion. It helped me stop compounding negative emotions (or suppressing positive ones) by drowning them in shame, guilt, anger, and self-blame. I grew up in a community where very specific emotions were to be performed in specific ways on a daily basis and performing those emotions was a way of demonstrating your closeness to God (because God would make sure you didn’t feel things like fear or doubt or lust, so if you DID feel those things it was an indicator of sin). So learning that feelings are just feelings and aren’t a measure of my worth as a person was essential to me starting to function once I left that community.
But I also had to learn that my feelings were not necessarily *true*. Anxiety about something wasn’t a premonition that it’d go poorly. Being hurt didn’t mean someone had intentionally hurt me. My insecurities were largely in my own head.
Meditation helped a lot with this, though it was frustrating at first. It took a while to realize that emotions can just be flashes of memory, sensation, and neurotransmitters and I’m allowed to accept them and then let them go without trying to dig down to the root of every negative feeling so I can fix it.
Giving up on the promise of not feeling bad things anymore was the hardest part of leaving that high-control group, but it’s not like it was working. It was just making me better at pretending and pressuring me to believe other people who were probably pretending.
I heard the saying "All feelings are valid. The actions you take after aren't always." And it stuck with me for a long time.
I never liked the use of the word valid this way. Especially because the word was gaining a lot of popularity during a time when I was super dysregulated and struggling. I did not want my feelings to be valid. They were irrational and causing me a lot of distress and I wanted to hear that this was a temporary state and I deserve to feel normal, not that the way I was feeling at that moment was valid and should be accepted in some form.
I have been able to express that to my therapists over the years and we use different language to discuss feelings. I'm glad that the people around me stopped using the "your feelings are valid" type of language in general also.
This is incredibly wise and humble of you. It seems that people become so entitled and desperate to be right all the time that it's hard to imagine most people coming to this self-realization. I know that people are very selfish because they are deep down very defensive but this will never excuse the truly, deeply important realities going on all around us. Issues which need to be *properly* addressed. Just like you shared.❤
I wonder if you also experience a lot of pain and frustration with the misuse of so many other, now *pop terms*, that people have been bandwagoning with.
Such as using the use of the term trauma-bonding to point toward a bond between two people with similar traumas.
I'm just so frustrated with everyone using half-truths and misinformation to get away with the degradation of our quality of life.
@@GentleJungleomg trauma bonding is driving me up the freaking wall.
It's so minimizing to people who have actually been in an abusive relationship.
"That could never be me. I worked retail and all of the employees trauma bonded over black Friday. Still doesn't mean I would let them abuse me"
This conversation is SO needed. So many people use therapy speech to excuse themselves instead of improving their own emotional health and interpersonal relationships
Throughout my life I was pervasively told that emotions were the opposite of rational thinking. Basically feelings were "bad" and "things that skew our perception" rather than anything useful.
Ultimately this was a way for my family to get me to ignore my emotions (mostly to stop me from having any anger at the injustice in my life).
...this is probably an unusual one, but this was my family's weapon of choice.
No, this was the old way and pretty normal in many conservative households (not only!)
Is feeling the same as thinking? 🤔
Oh! This is basically what I had going on in my family too. I literally emulated Spock from Star Trek TOS because I was so distressed by how extreme and out-of-touch-with-situations my emotions were.
It’s fun seeing how Star Trek breaks this idea down at times because it’s the exact thing that the Vulcans do (since the story is they used to be so violent they almost went extinct just from their constant fighting, but a sage came up with a method of approaching everything without an emotional response which saved them from themselves… probably unnecessarily because the Romulans haven’t had those problems).
@@LazerechoNo, but I desperately worked for years to push down and think through my feelings instead of feeling them. Now I try to work through the feelings by considering if they make sense while also letting myself feel them. It’s very hard for me to regulate anything but being on antidepressants has actually had a major effect of making that easier: I don’t have to think everything away in order to not completely explode anymore, and I find that very interesting.
@@darkstarr984 The problem is, what star trek tries to tell you about being like this is that it doesn't let you interact and form healthy relationships. The Vulcans instead of dealing with their issue decided to suppress it, and by doing that, they often hurt those around them even though their intention isn't to do that.
Star Trek Voyager has a few episodes in it touching on this with tupok and his interactions with other people. Always using logic and rejecting emotion stunts your ability to truly help and understand other people.
I never knew that people thought that all emotions are valid meant that they can react any kind of way. I always just saw it as a reminder to not shame and suppress my emotions. I used that phrase whenever my emotions didn't align with what seemed logical.
If people are using balanced expectations, they will understand that having feelings is normal and that feelings need to be addressed and worked through. Some will be based on real slights or injustice, and others will be based on unrealistic desires. But if a person has unhealthy relationships with feelings or is manipulative of someone else's feelings, then you get that 'I can react with screaming/ punching walls because my feelings tell me to and you have to validate my feelings' kind of attitude
That's the beauty of our species, we can distort any good idea into something horrible again😅
That's the normal response. Some of us grew up in households where our parent flying off the hinge was justified by "I'm expressing my emotions"
@@pilis.5681 respectfully, it’s the normal response because of the rise of illiteracy.. while for some of us it is because the parent used emotional expression as an excuse , as you’ve said.
@@Tay20 Illiteracy and being emotionally dysregulated are not the same. This crosses income and educational lines.
Thanks so much, wish I could send this to her without sending it to her. 8 years of therapy and she still uses 'it was just a feeling I have' and 'when I feel something there's always a base in reality ' no there's not. I had to let go because it got exhausting and the eggshells were closing in.
With my symptoms, I think it angers me more when people tell me my feelings are valid.
Like. No, it’s not logical for me to assume my best friend is after my husband when she has her own significant other and he’s never shown disloyalty to me, and they both have shown me that they care for me.
It’s not valid, and saying it is kind of allows the irrational black and white thinking to continue. “If they’re saying I’m right to think that, then other people must see the attraction between them” I want to know how to disarm those thoughts, not fuel them which is what I feel like the “your feelings are valid” notion kind of does
I'm assuming the actual emotion here is jealousy? Yeah, the jealousy doesn't fit the facts, but I think it's alright to say that it's *understandable* why you feel that jealousy because of the issues you struggle with. That's validating but still sits on one side of the dialectical of looking at that emotion and not treating it like it's religious doctrine---in other words, questioning the messages it's sending you and deciding how to act from there. That's where opposite action, a DBT skill, often comes in, but tbh I have yet to get that one down lmao
No offense, but before saying that your feelings aren't valid, it would actually be helpful to learn to differentiate "feelings" and "thoughts". Your feelings probably won't change until you accept them, and your body has a reason why it feels that way (doesn't have to be the actual situation, can also be a trauma response).
You're continuing the black and white thinking at this point, without even noticing it.
Umm, invalidating your feelings lead to them bottling up and heavily damaging your personal relationships. Feelings are that, feelings, you need to actually feel them for them to go away, denying their existance is saving them up for later, and eventually it wont be possible to keep delaying them. The thing is, you need to validate and experience them in order to actually find the cause that is generating them and treating it accordingly, otherwise you are literally just harming yourself.
@whitethereal5283 That is not what validating means... you need to do the opposite. you need to challenge strong feelings that aren't based in reality, analyze, and change them. Not validate them.
@@LC-wv7tz before you can challenge them, you have to validate them by acknowledging they exist.. it could take less than a second, or years.
This video hit the spot for me. I just ended a relationship where the other person had "all MY feelings are valid" mentality. It made me feel like i was hurting that person for setting my boundries since it made them angry= i hurt them. Some people struggle with reasoning while emotions appear, it's a struggle to maintain your own believe system and not get guilt tripped. It is still a mystery to me how to trust myself in those situations, since it is possible that i might be in the wrong even if i tried to be sincere.
I like the emphasis on the “MY”
I had an emotion when you said you’re thankful you’re no longer a therapist 😭 I think because I’m a therapist and currently in the trenches somehow. And in all seriousness I really enjoyed this topic!! Balancing emotion with reason has saved my life
I'm so confused, isn't she a doctor now?
We don't have control over what we feel or think- but what we do next matters. Not every impulse we have needs to be validated, reinforced or enacted. At times we have to stop, feel it, have a critical think about our selves, and take a step away from disproportionate or unhelpful thoughts and feelings.
Some people genuinely have a hard time understanding what they are feeling and why. The first step is to identify the feeling and to acknowledge you are in fact feeling it (validate).
Some people are stuck in denial about their feelings which is probably why validation of feelings even became a concept.. some people can’t accept that they are jealous or angry about something due to pride.
in the sense of "valid" meaning "real and exists" then yes, all emotions are real and they exist because you've experienced them, but not all emotions are reflective of reality
That is what is meant by valid.. it is very simply acknowledging the feeling is there. This is a skill believe it or not
I'm a very logical person, and grew up with a mom who was very much wild behaviour based on wild emotions. I like breaking down the disconnect there. Emotions are valid, behaviours based on those emotions are not always valid.
I’ve never really thought about whether my emotion is 'valid' but very recently have instead focused on actually recognizing it in that moment (prompted by a mild existential crisis and my entire life of generic masculine emotional repression).
Just naming the emotion as it arises has helped me better understand my response and start uncovering its deeper roots-something I’m only now beginning to explore, its hard.
Cristal clear! I wish they had psychologists like you in my native country Sweden. Because there invalidation is a long tradition. Older people still practice it. Younger people have understood that emotions and feelings are tools for life.
I'm glad you posted this! I've been feeling repulsed by people using emotional reasoning and insisting their strong reactions are always right. They sometimes pass off their lack of emotional regulation as emotional intelligence.
Now you've helped me articulate why I run away from them 😅
This is a good one. It's hard to come to terms with not being a perfect victim sometimes in those situations where you overreact to an actual injustice being perpetrated on you. It's like a small form of ego death.
Also, Wtf is with all the magnetic aura bots lol
I think a lot of people (incl. myself from time to time) misinterpret this phrase and use it to excuse shitty behavior.
I learnt this lesson the hard way. It is so true manipulative people love this expression or this point of view "I have emotions, therefore I am right". My ex cheated and then years down the road wanted to get back together. Won't get too much into the details, I was over it by that point but the reason why it didn't work was simply the entitlement and the selfishness...And well having no class. lol. anyway there were discussions on what transpired between us and when I cut the bullshit out there was this question thrown at me "why don't you take my feelings into account as to why I did what I did, you are invalidating my feelings" well it was lies. So I simply said "I am not invalidating them neither do I accept them because they are not factual, and even if your feelings are real what you claim to be their reason is not real." Seeing that expression of shock was priceless. So strange these so called "empaths" believe they can cheat on someone and then guilt trip them into taking them back. And it is weird how people get offended when you say "you slept with other men and went behind my back, and there is no going back from that for me so I've moved on. Wish you the best though, goodbye."
With my eldest daughter, 10 yo, I had someone else tell her her emotions are valid, no matter what. She needs validation and doesn't need people telling her how to feel, which she gets a lot of from my ex wife. The advice was well meant, but led to other problems. My follow-up has been "you have the right to your feelings, but what you choose to do with them can quickly tread on other people's rights, and you don't get to do that."
Feelings are valid but not always true. If you feel something it’s best to address it to make sure if it’s true or not.
Feelings are not subject to validity or invalidity. They aren't logical arguments or syllogisms.
I think the way I’d phrase it is “all emotions are information. It’s a good idea to listen to yourself”
This is SO well said. I've gone to great lengths to hear my BPD partner out about my actions that have unknowingly made her feel insecure, but the context is always her making false accusations that I've been disloyal.
She tells me that me that correcting the record about actual events is invalidating her feelings. It's really just separating the wrong conclusions shes been lead to by emotional reasoning from the things that really happened, that I can improve on.
Sorry to hear that, stick to your truth!
Are the things you're doing that are making her insencure inculde any other women? If it does, then you are being unloyal.
@katc2040 I would take accountability if that were the case. Her triggers are specific to ways she's caught exes cheating: if my sister or mom's clothes ended up in my laundry when I lived with them, it was interrogation. Hairs on my clothes that can't identify as hers? Has to be a girl I'm seeing. Cue worst case scenarios that she struggles to convince herself aren't real. I love her and have compassion for her, but that has been exhausting to experience.
This is a great topic. I was just talking about this today.
I have a sister who was the golden child of our large dysfunctional family. She frequently expresses jealousy whenever one of the other siblings receives any meaningful support from our parents. (We are all adults now.)
I used to validate her feelings. Now, I think I’m going to challenge her on it more. She received a large majority of support in the family and is now very entitled. Her narrative that it’s not fair when others get support-it just isn’t true. I’ve noticed this jealousy habit of hers is damaging her relationships.
Yea challenge the interpretation. Maybe she feels left out like immediately, but the conclusion that "it's not fair" is misguided.
Anyway, resolving her personality is NOT your responsibility. Specifically, don't mistake her frequent 'admission of having issues' as readiness for personal growth or anything like that. She could just be looking for support from you to compensate for missed opportunity of attention from parents
I had the same issue with my golden child sister. She always felt entitled to help and would mock anyone else who received help in the family. She extended this to my children & her daughter.
This video is a wonderful reminder that both emotion and logic are important, that one side should not be held to a higher importance, and that both should basically “work together” to deal with issues in life. Thank you for sharing!
For example, let's say if you feel a reactionary emotion like be anger/threatened. This could be caused from a true threat or mistreatment, but also strike ones ego and because a deep rooted issue that you might not encountered or have a true settlement of the outcome that was first presented.
If you do not have the exact wisdom of how/handle the conflict. You then could impose your misbelief onto another person and then retaliate which causes harm to that persons life for no reason, which would then entail parasitical behavior on your behalf. Because you are imposing your will on the other person, which get s into punishment territory. It's very important to think before you act and not break the golden rule (treat others like you would like to be treated).
Thank you so much for this. I have bipolar disorder, so when I'm unwell my emotions can become very intense, unfounded, and annoying for me to sort through.
I have a couple very supportive friends who I love very much and am incredibly but when I share my struggles with this they tend to say my emotions are valid as a go-to support phrase, which is kinda... not true in this situation.
Hi Dr. Ana! Your insights in this video were very helpful-but id really like to appreciate your communication here. Your delivery was crisp and clear, the organization of the ideas felt very structured, and it really didnt feel long at all!
I appreciate you for sharing your knowledge to the world.
"The right to feel them" ... an element I didn't hear talked about is the physical experience. It's taken a lot of years, and some well experienced therapists to help me navigate through "I'm highly anxious" versus "My blood pressure and heart rate are high". I've received a lot of validation, when I was trying to describe a physical problem that exacerbates high intense situations.
Was able to get diagnosed with a medical issue when I stopped telling my professionals I also felt anxious when my body did that. It took a long time to find people who could view it both ways... body is in stress which makes the emotion higher, versus the emotion gets high and the body responds.
This is exactly what I have worked on being able to do for a while now.
Not suppressing/denying/ignoring my emotions, but try to take a step back and analyze if they really make sense.
For now, I'm pretty satisfied with the fact that most of the time that I get angry, I'm able to not get carried away by the anger.
If you don't know what's going on, it looks like I'm giving you the silent treatment.
But that's me containing the anger while I analyze it's validity in the situation.
Hey, kind of unrelated, but you have a candle lit very close to your ceiling and I'd recommend NOT doing that. 1, you could burn a dark mark into the wall. 2, that spot could get hot enough to catch fire.
Looks like an electric candle, the light level is flickering but the shape is static.
Looks like an LED
Your emotions are always _trying_ to keep you safe and help you. The key word there is *trying* to keep you safe, im always trying to get As on every single test and always perfectly do everything I do, doesn't mean I get anywhere near close to that.
And so too are emotions, they try to keep you safe and help you succeed but they frequently fail at that, and sometimes catastrophically such as in the case of a mother angry at her daughter for having her own table at her own wedding.
I really like the phrasing “your feelings are valid,” and I think that’s partially because I learned about it along with the disclaimer that the thoughts and beliefs behind those emotions are not always true. My understanding of the sentiment is along the lines of “your feelings are important and a natural result of your perception of this situation which is shaped by your past experiences.” I think it’s natural that emotional reactions are not based solely on the immediate experience but also on previous experiences, especially if they haven’t been processed.
Great video! I say a lot of this stuff to my fiance when she invalidates her own emotions because they don't make sense or aren't what she wants to be feeling. "You can't have a wrong feeling" usually paired with "You can have a wrong response to those feelings however"
I was a bit worried going into this that I might have been saying things that were harmful, just based on the title, but it's good to know I'm on the right track!
THIS. this is what people need to hear. amazing video Ana
You look beautiful in red and I’m peeping that “baby glow”! 🤍♥️
?
Haha thank you! 🙏🏻☺️
@@AnaPsychology You’re welcome! ☺️
Real
Interesting discussion! I have feelings that I recognize as unhealthy. An attempt to stop these feelings through stuffing them down and shaming myself does not heal these unhealthy feelings. I like to sit with the feelings to understand what the feeling is rooted in. Is it past trauma? Is it fear? is it insecurity? is it entitlement? Often, simply stopping myself to take a deep breath and reflect is enough for me to let it go for the moment. I can dislike a person for being a valid threat to my own health, without expanding that threat into any deeper feelings towards that person or myself.
I've definitely been on the receiving end of the weaponization of this phrase. I found myself trying desperately to explain that "emotions are valid, but they are not rational."
This is much more beautifully succinct and explanatory. Thank you for this.
When i hear the statement that "your emotions are valid" i think it's saying "your feelings are coming from you". The fact that your feelings come from you is the reason they are valid basically. It doesn't mean that they are justified/sound (the difference between a valid and sound argument in philosophy (where the term "valid" comes from) is a big difference.
To me "your feelings are coming from you" is the opposite of "valid emotions" tho. Because it disregards options that any those feelings are relevant and even possibly caused by immediate situation, since basically "they were made *alone* inside of you" or "you 'made' them somehow yourself".
Also "your feelings are coming from you" is such a wannabe, even incorrect truism. Like it's plain wrong. You totally forgot about empathy? Also emotions are reactions, it doesn't make too much sense telling where they 'start'. Desire is about something you don't have, it's literally not 'from you'.
And what's the logic even, any words actually come "from somebody, from ones mouth", no reason to see them as valid for it.
The validity of emotions doesn't mean they necessarilly bear importance to people around a person. It means they hold some value for that person themself. How much that's about present, in what way, and how much about something else is on the person to figure out. Appropriate for examination, that's all. Applicability to the direct situation would I guess be what you mean with 'justified/sound'
@whataboutthis10 The statement that "your feelings are coming from you" in how I think of it is meant to show your emotional experience is yours/your unique reaction to the world around and inside of yourself. Basically the idea equates to "it makes sense that you feel this way because that's how you learned to feel relative to your experience".
Thanks!
Thank you!
Helpful and clear. DBT has helped me to a greater degree than CBT. In the latter, I typically already knew what was said. In DBT, I found help because it led me to recognize both that I was having emotions and what they were. Then I could work through whether or not they were valid to the situation (I’m intending the same definition) and how to regulate them. The logical formula helps those of use who never seemed to think nor communicate as most people seemed to communicate and think! (That’s what 68 years of “probable diagnosis” will do for you!)
Complete true. I’ve had to fight against the feelings I’ve had to make sure I’m a good person.
I could easily be evil if I gave into my feelings and tried to validate them.
I am in control. Not my feelings. They serve me.
If I allow them to control me that’s on me
Great video! My empathy for family and friends always brings back down to earth. When my emotions take high above the clouds.
I 100% agree. You deserve empathy for your feelings and pain, but should fact check. Emotions are the advisor, logic is the one who decides and rules.
Whenever my gf talks about something that's bothering her, and she asks if that's okay, I always say yes. I can't live with myself if I made her sad
Does she check that you're emotionally available beforehand?
Being her yes-man may be a slippery slope bc trying to avoid making her sad may turn into enabling her bad behavior when it does arise (if she’s human, it will inevitably lol). It sounds like she may need help interpreting her emotions and if so, I hope knowing this will make it clearer for you on how to best support her. Good luck!
If you always listen to them vent even if you don't want to, there may be a subconscious expectation they do the same for you, even when they don't want to. This can lead to resentment if they don't, but they never agreed this deal. But she's asking if she can vent about it so that's good, just make sure you consider you're allowed to say "no not right now."
@@emanuelcaparelli there's a problem with her question tho, if it goes like oc said. The fact you suggest "he is supposed to check if he can reject" should already give it away.
The problem is she first starts venting and only asks for permission after. You don't ask for consent after-the-fact, that's guilt-washing etc.
The concrete issue is that after a certain problem has already been introduced and she asks for permission, he's no longer judging how appropriate the moment is just based on his state - which should be the norm. After some information is given, he's forced into a decision based both on his state *and* the perceived severity of her issue. In such case his potential rejection is not saying just "not the right time for me" but automatically also "your issue does not seem important enough". Starting with the problem, she frames his potential rejection as invalidation of her stuff: textbook emotional manipulation.
That's all even without the fact our guy here has clear issues with 'saying no'. A whole another topic, various fears usually contribute. How she might have contributed to this is not even the main focus, because probably his difficulty to be authentic has much deeper roots.
OC if you're reading this: that's a _very serious_ issue, and it's way more important to address and resolve that, than keeping a relationship. Momentary 'convenience' should not routinely be prioritised over long-term health.
Don't make yourself sad to avoid making her sad. Avoiding conflict is just as harmful as unhealthy conflict.
Emotional reasoning serves your ego, whereas listening to the messages from your emotions (in good faith that is) serves deeper personal growth. Some people boost their ego by giving off the facade of growth and self-reflection, but it comes across as shallow and self-serving. The difference between crying because you're truly sorry, and crying because you got into trouble/hurt your image.
"All feelings are valid is an expression that can be hear thrown a lot quite a lot these days"
Yes. Feelings are fine. Not all actions are appropriate.
I think it's about feeling seen and heard. I say "your feelings are real", sometimes we're not rational and just want to try to express ourselves as a means to communicate something we're struggling with. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable like that if they didn't react in a harmful way and only said what they felt.
This actually really cleared the concept up for me, thanks!
Gosh for a moment there I thought a stranger's cat may have found its way into the house, mine is asleep right next to me! Thanks for your videos :)
what a breath of fresh air you are
if i kick a wall and get angry from the pain, my anger is real and valid, and it is also my fault
I just found this channel, but I’m glad I did. Your insight is very helpful and it gives me more help with the things I talk about with my therapist. Thank you!
Thank you Ana
Wow, we really did have to unpack because there were layers to this
I always thought that valid in this case was more like how valid is used when filling out digital forms. Validation determines what values you are allowed to enter, but doesn't necessarily mean that the entered value is true.
When someone invalidates someones feelings they are saying "you aren't allowed to feel that" or "that's not what you are feeling". Having this done to you repeatedly, especially as a child can lead to you not being able to trust your own emotional signals.
I used to agree with this statement, but seeing how many people interpret it differently, I think a better statement would be 'your feelings matter'. This doesn't imply any kind of rationality to them but still validates the person
Love the nuance in this video! It's great to hear you explain the strengths and weaknesses of different forms of therapy - it's always so fascinating to get a new/expanded perspective on things!
I think it's so important for patients and therapists to be in agreement regarding goals of therapy, so that the correct approach can be used (and an accurate diagnosis can be made in the first place).
Saying this as someone with ADHD who spent years trying to resolve my "anxiety" and "depression" using CBT... yea... that was not a good fit. Mistakes were made, lol. (I mean, I'm sure the CBT would have been effective, if I were actually suffering from anxiety and/or depression).
I think years of inaccurate diagnosis, and subsequent inaccurate treatment caused a lot more shame and emotional dysregulation than it resolved - however, when I finally got an accurate diagnosis, I started doing ACT therapy and IFS, both of which actually addressed/validated my emotions, allowed me to acknowledge their impact on my cognition, and then taught me to challenge and manage my distressing thoughts and feelings in healthy, useful ways.
Long story short - I totally agree, and I think you make several great points. Emotions need to be understood and addressed, not just taken as gospel. (Or suppressed... suppressing is bad too, lol). 😅
Similar story with me! Also a big fan of ACT
As well as hand in hand reason and emotion as do test and Trust go hand-in-hand
I think some emotions may be invalid, meaning it is evil/wrong to feel them. For example, feeling turned on in response to a child. For example, telling your partner you love them, but having never felt love, instead feeling disgust and anger.
I work currently as DBT therapist (intern) and I find that the work of validation is in the context of an overarching experience of constant shame and invalidation that’s internalized, as well as often existing externally. In addition, the weakness of self experience also causes trauma and past events to flood into the present very easily, so like you say these cognitive distortions can come up so easily.
I try to help my clients let all emotions exist but remind them that emotions just exist, we have to choose what we do and what consequences our own behaviors have. I find that some aspect of DBT skills rely on maxims, and I try to add in more reflective functioning and mentalizing into the therapy sessions as a result
What's the weakness of self experience in this case?
@@vivvy_0 the term is called psychological equivalence, so if internally one is feeling bad, it affects how they process events, interactions, people etc in the outside world. A trigger from a past even or trauma in the present will connect many similar events in the addition to whats going on, making someone have a meltdown or feel deep pain in a rapid procession. Essentially, as a result of having a weaker sense of self (which is a byproduct of upbringing and life circumstances and not a personal flaw), almost as if the self is a "rock" of sorts, it is easier to become overwhelmed and evaluations of self and other to rapidly change.
sorry for long reply just want to be clear about what I mean
16:07 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼 LOGIC!!!!!!! 😍🎉 THANK GOD FOR YOU. EVERY SINGLE PERSON NEEDS TO WATCH THIS.
I LOVE ANA SO MUCH.
I let my emotions pick the general direction of my life while my reason handles the navigation.
And also I see my knee jerk emotional responses as a shortcut or intuition accessing a situation. A flag to tell me to pay attention, good or bad. With intentional attention, you learn what emotions fit what scenarios.
Excellent video!
"Attend to your entitlement" 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Great video! I love that you touched on the end part there about lgbtq+! So spot on
i think both 'all feelings are valid' and 'facts over feelings' can be used to manipulate and not take accountability, gotta watch out for that
As I understand it validation in dbt simply means acknowledging the feeling is there. There is no judgement if that is the appriopriate, acceptable or based in fact feeling. However that doesn't mean the way it is expressed or acted upon is effective or appriopriate. Alan Fruzetti does a nice job of explaining the difference in his lectures on youtube.
As someone who struggles with receptive language processing, I can understand why therapists' refusal to honor the implications of "all emotions are valid" is invalidating. I get upset when my attempts to communicate important information are misunderstood and interpreted as rude, because I'm asking for an answer to a confusing question and instead I get labeled as rude, blunt, and too honest. I've had enough people say this to me enough in the past that my intense thoughts and feelings surrounding being fundamentally misunderstood feel incredibly accurate in the moment but upon further reflection, I think they can become both valid and sound when I ask for clarification and get the answer I'm looking for. However, I'm not always sure if this is actually a language processing problem or a problem with tolerating uncertainty. What do you all think?
I have the same challenges that arise. I’m neurodivergent so mine might by stem from this, and I’ve had to grieve friendships due to this. It can be so hard
This was a great explanation, thanks!
Awesome video. I’ve sort of come to this same realization by observing my BI kiddos. Some emotional outbursts are just simply not necessary for the situation at hand.
I like your explanation I always felt there is something missing when comes to validating emotions
I need advice, this video is perfect timing.
Contect: iv been talking to an amzing woman fir the past month, we got to learn about each other and spend quit some time together. We feel comfortable together and our hearts have peace. We have the convo about that we want something more and going ti take it slow with our end goal being to end to together. All fun and games. Today I visited her again and all seemed fine till she said we needs to talk. It wasn’t a good one( i hear her heart and that these following points bother her). She said shes scared that ill treat her as her past relationships, even though i didnt give her any reasons to feel that way, she even said that. There are other points asweel.
I just dint know what to do, she said we should take it back to a step of just friends, but u cant take things back a step. Once u crossed the line from friendship it cant be reversed
That's a tough situation. It's understandable for her to be guarded from a history of trauma and bad relationships. But it's still her responsibility to deal with her personal baggage and not let it drag down connections with others. And it's not quite fair to you that she preemptively regards you as someone that could hurt her like others have. The way I see it, she could actually be doing you a favor because her trust issues may compromise the relationship in the long-term.
My friend actually went through a similar situation recently. His date had a history of cheating and scumbag exes who treated her very badly. My friend wanted to be exclusive with her, but she didn't. Their hearts were in two different places, so they stopped seeing each other.
I think you have to make a decision for yourself and think about if you can wait for her to eventually let go of her baggage, or if it's not worth the time, effort, and emotional energy. As it stands, you two are incompatible in terms of availability.
This is about consent. From that perspective, her reasons are irrelevant.
She has said no to a romantic relationship so it's important to respect that.
If you feel that going back to being friends is not possible then the healthiest thing to do would be letting her know that and moving on.
@@alrighttumbleweed4782 agreed. This one doesn't seem it's about "making it work".
Also, beware of potential change of her mind after letting her know her suggestion wouldn't work with you!
I take the stoic (Capital “S” stoic, not the colloquial and unhealthy “stoic”) of understanding that what I feel isn’t up to me, but how I handle and process it is.
An example of this is I always have an overwhelming romantic and sexual urge to cheat on my partners, but I also understand that non-monogamy isn’t for me either, given managing a web of relationships like that stresses me out too much.
I understand which struggle I’m better at tackling and always keep in mind that whoever things are warming up with is not worth hurting someone and ruining a stable relationship. I cutoff and redirect the tension that can occasionally happen with me and someone I mutually like, and put that energy elsewhere and that understand that what I do is always up to me. I’ve also learned to take pride in my ability to turn down a situation that another guy might fail to
This is a banger of a video.
I love your content ❤
I suppose this connects to someone doing something they genuinely didn’t want to do, yet the emotions experienced in the moment obscure the truth - making the feeling and the action it motivates seem like the true reality instead.
There's some nuance to this. Abusers often push others to a reaction that looks like the victim is the abuser.
Thank you Dr. Ana
Thank you 😢 I just got into a fight with my partner and they’re Dismissive Avoidant and I’m anxious as hell so we’re having so much trouble to even communicate. I’m trying and trying and she needs space, and it’s really hard to even have a conversation.
It's just another part of toxic positivity. As someone who has pretty irrational feelings of hatred once a month, i definitely can't defend all feelings as being valid. There comes a point where you may just have pms, like me. There is nothing wrong with it, but it would be cruel to the people in my life to validate those feelings instead of taking a step back and realising i might just be a tad hormonal.
Do you have something to help you with these issues? It's so difficult
thank you doctor ana that was helpful
I understand validity of feelings to refer to the logical outcome of the mind’s logic.
It does NOT mean the mind’s logic is “valid” or consistent propositionally (contradictions/dissonances usually exist), but rather that the feelings are “valid,” or a consistent reflection of how someone thinks / is programmed to experience reality deep down (whether or not they disavow the logic of how they work).
In fact, the contradictory nature of the mind’s programming leads to conflicting emotions being experienced at the same time: like a movie with a perfectly bittersweet ending makes me sad the protagonist died but happy they got what they wanted in the end simultaneously.
A more explicit contradiction is the common experience of you’re not sure whether you love or hate someone.
"When you feel angry, typically that's because an injustice has occurred." You mean it's because *you believe* an injustice has occurred. Big difference. (Only a minute in, maybe you address this later.)
if I wanted to sit with my daughter at her weeding day, it's not because I think it's about me, but because I want to be with her on this day and I hope she would want me near too, also I would want to make sure she's happy.
anyway, good video :) thank you!
The trippy thing about facts IMO compared to this emotions stuff is when facts aren't the same thing as truth. What I mean is we can sometimes not know that we don't know something. And that makes the fact a false fact.
It's funny, but the issue with the term "valid" here is seems exclusive to the English language to me.
In Hebrew for example, it is much more fitting to use the word "legitimate" here, as in "your feelings as legitimate", but often I've just said "its okay to feel X in this situation", same in Russian really.
But I think to say that a feeling is "wrong" to feel in a situation isn't the best formulation of things. When overwhelmed by emotions, often what feels "right" might be harmful to yourself or others, I think the right way to think here is what will be the most functional response?, what will serve me best in this situation? Especially in the long term.
Then in the example you've given, storming out might feel "right", but staying there and showing compassion will help both with the relationship with the person telling the story and help with the anger itself.
I think calling the right response "functional" or "serves me best in the long run" rather than "right" helps avoid the confusion, and well, it is what I usually do.
Thank you, always!
Thank-you
I take feelings to mean emotions based on one’s ethics, needs, and sense of hope.
NOT feelings based on negative biases such as group polarized suspicion, societal rules and norms, or doctrine made to depict or shame groups or individual needs in derogatory ways.
Envry is something you want, Jealousy is something fear losing. Jealousy doesn't mean insecure. It's tell you that you need to do something or you will lose something. So you might be envious of relationship a friends has. You could jealous that you relation might end. If you feel the jealousy it will direct you to doing good things for a relationship. Direct you to having the uncomfortable conversation that creates growth in the relationship. If you suppress jealousy it turn in the green eyed monster most associate with jealousy. So jealousy is very valid and useful.
Great explanation!
I never got the two, now it makes sense!
I see this one weaponized a lot!!😭😭😭 so frustrating cuz I struggle with this internally and seeing ppl use it to justify trash makes me feel like I’m onto something challenging myself lmao help I’m beyond help it’s ok tho
Also I have bpd too, so I have spent many hours debating these skills and their soundness when the logic isn’t always sound to begin with (like u said my emotions literally aren’t always valid lol)
I see therapy stuff weaponized a lot among people, it’s really awful I agree a lot