Narcissistic Family: The CRUCIAL No-Contact Component No One Talks About
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- Опубліковано 28 тра 2024
- In this video, I discuss the crucial aspect of no-contact that no one is talking about. This is why many people find themselves still deeply stuck ruminating about their family, even if they have been in no contact for years.
This video will help you understand how to do no-contact correctly, and in some scenarios, even while being in no contact with them.
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional, narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of their toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family and self-differentiation coach, he uses his 45 years of experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
Get your narcissistic dysfunctional family OUT OF YOU with my ‘Self-Differentiation Program: 'Road to Self’.
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Hey Jerry greetings and thanks for from the land of Oz for what you do.
When I was 4 years old I looked at my farther and realized that if he was still like this in about 20 years I would have to walk out on him and the rest of my family a decision that I knew would cost me a multimillion dollar in heritance.
In May 1988 walked out on them for good, over the years I have had a set of reoccurring visionary nightmares of exactly what would have happened if I had stayed. I would have wound up a broken and homeless man living in agony on a beach waiting for death to take me, as things turned out I currently live in another city in my dream apartment working at my dream job.
Watching your video's over the last month has enabled me to makes more progress in the last few weeks than the previous 3 decades. Having your mind damaged as a child by a narcissistic parent is like letting Boeing wire up your brain it has a hidden unadvertised tendency to go nose down without warning.
I think of the lyrics from a Black Sabbath song Sabbath Bloody Sabbath sum narcissistic abuse perfectly.
ua-cam.com/video/mfTpjrzas5E/v-deo.html
The people who have crippled you
You want to see them burn
The gates of life have closed on you
And there's just no return
You're wishing that the hands of doom
Could take your mind away
And you don't care if you don't see again
The light of day
Nobody will ever let you know
When you ask the reasons why
They just tell you that you're on your own
Fill your head all full of lies
You bastards
I don't want a Norman Rockwell family. I want a family that isn't mean.
My child died. My family blamed me. It was cancer. I had no choice in order to survive mentally and emotionally but to go no contact. I talk to NO ONE in my family now because of how awful I was treated. I am damaged but healing.
Good God. I am so sorry. Healing thoughts towards you.
That's tragic. I'm so sorry this happened to you
I'm so sorry for your loss, may your baby rest in peace. And I'm sure they won't tell you this but I'm sorry they put you through that, you deserve better. May your road to healing get easier for you. Sending lots of love 💐
❤
I cant find the words in Englisch so i do it in my language, Dutch.
Dit is werkelijk vreselijk voor je. Het grootste verlies wat je kan doormaken als mens, je kind verliezen. In plaats van dat ze je de steun geven die je zo hard nodig hebt, maken ze je dubbel kapot. Ik wens je heel veel sterkte, kracht, herstel en liefde toe ❤🙏
This fucking self-work has no end... for the child of a narcissist, it's like a lifetime of self-work and "trying" to heal
I agree and understand more than you may know. I wish us both luck in this very difficult journey. Another popular narc expert said that when you are born to narc parents you are robbed of healthy normal parents through no fault of your own. Boy did I feel that.
Healing is possible, I’ve helped thousands of clients finally self differentiate and get their family of origin out of them. I recommend joining my free training, it’s a great resource to start with
jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/build-the-self-you-were-never-allowed-to-have-10027
Yup. I'm 67. Been healing since I was early 20s, at which point I realised I'd been abused all my life. Finally turned a corner very recently and my narc mother has suddenly seemed too scared to abuse me. Might not last, but she's not hurting me any more. It's all her own fault.
@@rebeccajohnson7864I agree. When I think about this it makes me so angry and triggers a migraine.
Self work has no end, not b/c of the abuse we suffered, instead
b/c we are always supposed to be growing. Victims of abuse or not. At 60, I don’t want to keep all the qualities I had at 20. Those experiences were for me to learn lessons and grow as a person from them.
Now, is this the way we would have wanted to grow as a person? No, but I trust there was a reason and in time we will find out why.
I definitely prefer growing as a person vs a narcissist who doesn’t grow at all. They truly are the most boring people in between their abuse.
The grief is huge with family - they left you ages ago - you just weren't recognising it, you become very aware that you are an orphan, you see the number of enablers and monkeys hovering, you give up the belief that things are retrievable. All losses of relationship (even if dishonest )
That's the point into your 30s or 40s when you realize that what seemed to be isolated incidents were really part of a pattern of HATRED from them. From a cowardly secretive wicked evil united front. No contact CURES ALL! I'm 50 and I spent enough time fixing whatever I thought was wrong with me in my 30s or 40s and I'm not going to blame this one on myself, since it didn't show itself without the mask until it was almost too late for me. NO CONTACT is good enough for me and I don't need to be pressured into buying something that I might not even need
Facts!!
You just weren't recognising it, you become very aware that you are an ORPHAN - That line !! THAT LINE !!
I wasn't ready for you to nail the descriptive names
I’m 60 and I’m just figuring out I’ve been dealing with a narcissist family and a bunch of flying monkeys!! I’ve been blamed, put down, slandered, abused and told it’s all my own doing. Thank you for the clarity!! Thank you for giving me some tools to finally start living my own life!
It took me at least a year to finally stop ruminating after no-contact with my mother. I would find myself arguing with her in my head. It gets better over time.
Inner child work-becoming my own loving mother-is critical. Detachment is necessary but layers of grieving come first.
Great comment❤
I really felt like my mother was trying to kill me. It's been 2 years of no contact and I am doing so much better! ☀️
I'm so sorry you dealt with that. My mother tried to kill me when I was younger and never stopped wanting me dead. We're so much safer without family like that in our lives.
I used to dream that my dad ki**ed my bro with a shot gun. That was years ago and was a recurring dream. Well, my bro took his life recently. So the dream came true, because it was my dad who caused the trauma. My bro was still expecting an apology for all the abuse. Needless to say he never got it and now he's gone. So my dad did kill him after all. It's still surreal
Same here. It's common with these type of mothers.
She was. It's demonic possession.
I realized from a young age that I often got hurt, and it always seemed like my parents didn't care. As I grew older, especially in my 40s, I came to understand that my mother repeatedly put me in situations where I could have been catastrophically injured. The final straw was when she openly admitted that she wished I had died as a baby and somehow miraculously survived. This revelation solidified my decision to go no contact. I've always felt a sense of unease about my family.
A fair point. The rumination keeps us stuck & the narcissistic narrative continues.
❤ Very true Jerry, your always on point. The no contact alone is not sufficient. Especially with parent-child relationships, one is often left with guilt and shame, as if as a child you did something wrong. But I'm choosing no contact to survive. Choosing me, my peace, my growth, my sanity.
My husband insightfully noted that the "firsts" would be the hardest. The first birthdays, the first holidays, etc. It is true and it temporarily sets me back, but each time it gets easier. I find the anxiety, stress and misery is not there and I can actually really enjoy the events. And having his support is such a blessing. I wouldn't have found the ability to break away and heal if it weren't for him.
I decided not to talk about them for a total of 30 days. Stopped the cycle of ruminating. It helped me when the 30 days were up understand they weren’t ever going to love and accept me and it had nothing to do with me. Their sick and I actually feel sorry for them. I am now able to live my life without thinking about them. I have a beautiful life and family now and I am now focusing on them.
Hi Melanie,
Great strategy! I am beginning to use this myself and its amazing how helpful it is.
Thank you for sharing this!
I walked away from narcissistic family in 1981 and never looked back. It took me a while to understand that there was no love lost by my exit. Glad I found your channel Jerry.
Used to think I had Norman Rockwell family but have come to realize there are a lot of portraits in the attic of Dorian Gray!
Same here. Could not have said it better myself!
I've been calling my mother Dorian Grey behind her back. I went away for a year and she hasn't aged a day, while the other ladies in their 80s and 90s in her community all look older. I'd hate to lay eyes on that portrait, but I've lived it for 67 years. The world sees an angel, I know the truth. They're completely evil, right through to their core.
When I was young people said my family was like the Beaver Cleaver family. I’m in my 60s now and have come to the realization that my upbringing was full of abuse from a narcissistic father. Lots of beatings, rage fits and verbal abuse. I made some bad decisions due to no self esteem. It’s all been corrected now but the scars are still there. Healing is possible. Never give up. 🌻
I just went no contact (officially) with my mother. This mother's day was the first that I did not participate in. It was hard, but it truly was the right choice.
Your videos have helped so much. Honestly, sometimes they hurt. But I actually have my first therapy appointment in a few days. I'm nervous, but happy to start healing. Thank you for your videos.
Thanks for watching, happy to help 😊
I also went no contact with my dad recently, and did not acknowledge his birthday. Beginning to realize how much I sucked up to him my whole life to avoid physical and emotional abuse. I came home to help care for my mom before she passed, because my brothers rarely contacted them. Dad relied on mom and I to communicate with them, now we're all fed up with his abuse and he's left alone. he disowned me and wrote me out of the will, probably all of us...
@@jerrywise Wise video😊
@christymartin6281 I am so sorry you had to make that choice. But it was the right one. Stay strong, and love yourself.
I prefer to continue with the Maya Angelou approach:
“You should be angry. You must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger. You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You vote it. You do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it.”
Great episode, Jerry. I would add grieving, which is essential to fully let go, heal, and move on.
Yes im having crying spells I haven't been able to express emotion properly b4 this final nc
I TRIED going no-contact. But my narcissist/psychopath mom called the police and had them deliver me messages, called my supervisor, called everybody she could think to call. She and/or my narcissist/psychopath older sister called Department of Family & Children Services on me. (The social worker said it was harassment and there was nothing wrong with me or my house or the way i parent.) My mom spent lots of money on a lawyer to testify against me and tried to have my kids taken away from me - she said she didn't want my kids, she just doesn't want me to have them. She also sent me a hate letter everyday until I moved and she didn't have my address. She died but I didn't go to her funeral. It's a relief that she's gone, but the narcissist/psychopath older sister is still alive and she contacts my daughters on social media and trashes me to them. My mom has always hated me. Another example, I went 5 school years needing glasses, she refused to get me glasses, but her other kids got glasses. And I could go on & on with examples.
Jeez Louise 😢
Your daughters can block your sister
I believe you. I'm so sorry they did that to you. I called an acquaintance to give condolences because I saw that his son had died. He gave me the news that, a year previously, my mother had died. I'd been no-contact with her for over 40 years. I felt a quiet calm and a little relief. I felt no sadness at all.
@@vintage6346 You're so lucky you didn't find out until a year later. I, unfortunately, found out the same day.
I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. Your mom was a monster. Jeez, and I thought m N mother was bad. p.s. She's also gone and not missed. Blessings.
Time is a good healer. Take the time to find your true self
💯
I was just remembering the other day a version that says: Time wounds all heels.
I'd like to add, In my opinion physical abuse also entails physical sickness like ulcers or IBS that is common with narcissistic abuse. We need to also get out of that relationship safely. 🎉
Also don't forget the tidal 🌊 of folks that struggle with mental health issues such as Depression, Anxiety, C-PTSD, etc as a result of this insidious abuse.
I dont see my siblings, are do holidays with them. I have no problems with my older brother, but the 3 others I'm done, and have boundaries, will not ever put up with a narrist ever again. I will always love them and pray for them, and have forgiveness towards them, but never again. They have many demons in them that need casted out. 😢
Such a great point. I’m finally coming to release the anger for being scapegoated. I actually feel sorry for the family members stuck in the cycles. I accept that I can’t help them see it.
And I find I still have love for them while knowing they aren’t really capable of it.
I have very limited contact with them. I’m 50 and learned at 17 that we did better with distance, so I didn’t go home after college.
Both sides of my family are criminally narcissistic and predatory. I’m just glad to know I survived and can now finally live abundantly. I’m doing it for me and for them.
You got this!😊
Thank you , your story is inspiring to me , from a FORMER Scapegoat child here 👍🤝🤝
@@Pistonhammer It’s still hard sometimes. We are taught to blame ourselves for everything so I still struggle with that sometimes.
I wish I could say it gets easier, but we do get better at it. The physical distance helps. My family will never leave their bubble, so I’m safe from surprise visits and they rarely ever call.
Be forewarned, if you don’t build a good support system, it can be very lonely. I recently divorced a very disturbed narcissistic man after decades together. Between him and my family, I have a lot of healing to do. I’ve accepted that. Acceptance helps a lot.
Best wishes to you.
@@jerrywise Thank you for the encouragement! 😊
The narcissist also wanting no contact with me was one of the most surprising outcomes for me. I was expecting violent backlash, but instead, they seem to have assigned the contact "duty" on me completely and never tried to reach out. I was not expecting that and if I am completely honest, a part of me was disappointed they gave up on me so easily.
They may not have know they had narcissistic tendencies until you were gone and it started coming across their feed! They may realize that this is a Generational thing that they were unable to see or were barely able to survive themselves. They may be working on themselves and ❤LOVE YOU Enough to Leave you alone and let you heal even while they try to obtain healing for themselves!!! FOR YEARS, maybe she knew "something was wrong with my family, generationally speaking & NEVER wanted to bring another person into it. But it happened! Maybe you figured it out WAY B4 they did. Maybe she's HAPPY YOU GOT AWAY!!! PRAISE JESUS, YOU ARE WALKING IN THE NEWNESS OF LIFE! Send an occasional relevant email or video but don't look back! As far as I can tell - GOD is not happy with the old ways of living! Read the BIBLE, Find out about real Joy, Love, Gentleness, living right towards others. Not passing on the old family way of hiding sins, bullying, set-up, lies, egotistic, high- mindedness, assigning a scapegoat CHILD to take ALL BLAME FOR EVERYTHING, FINANCIAL crimes, etc. ( Basically throwing your weight around to cover up (instead of CLEANING UP). ❤🎉 PRAISE JESUS HE GIVES STRENGTH TO DO BETTER, not just look better❤🎉
I wasn't surprised by it but I was rather pleased. Every time, too.
First time, about 7 or 8 months, a well-meaning friend put me in a position I couldn't feasibly escape. Second time, 5 years, my sister (unintentionally, I hope) and husband (unknowingly) teamed up to suck me back in. Third time, somewhere between 12-18 months ago, I hope is the charm. I am determined to keep her out of our life. She makes Joan Crawford look like a saint. I want nothing to do with her. The rest of the family isn't much better.....bunch of blind bats who refuse to see things for what they are...
Be grateful, some narcs set out a life goal to punish you in whatever way they can.
If they leave you alone, it's a blessing. Some become stalkers, trying to find out where you live,work and more.
No contact is the beginning.. very true. 🎉🎉🎉
I’m not really “offering advice” here. It’s different for everyone. But, 20/20 hindsight leads me to believe that, for some, utterly leaving it all behind is the answer. What I mean by this is leaving behind anyone who’s connected to your family, any inheritance of you can afford to do so, seeing if you can eliminate and online information about yourself where they can find you and never bringing up the topic to anyone else.
The last one in particular is important, because even with no contact with your family, I find there might be “abuse” from outsiders, through this fact like shaming, invalidation, allowing others to know you have been and probably still are wounded causing you to be predated further, and just the whole bevy of what comes along with not complying with social standards of, “If it’s your mother/father, you’re practically abusing them, if you don’t allow them to abuse you.” It’s very sick out there. Have some made up story about why you don’t have family. Anything. People who are gullible enough to think abuse is OK, because it comes from your family, are typically gullible enough to believe some stupid story. They’re as apt to learn better, as an aging narcissistic parent, so don’t bother trying.
I’m really conflicted because I’m Native American and in my culture one is ‘rich’ when we have family. The elders, the aunties, the next generations. Yet in my recent relatives they’re meth addicted and hateful rather than healthy. So I’m longing desperately for my tribe, my family that I’ve never had due to the colonial damage to our native people.
The saying blood is thicker than water, is in reality: The blood of found family is thicker than the water of the womb.
You can not decide who births you, but you can sooner or later decide who will be family to you.
If you want a healthy tree, cut off the infected branches before they ruin the whole tree. It does not mean you are cutting off the whole tree, you are just cutting off the branches that would harm you.
I fought 40 years for my birth family, do not waste your years you could use to find better people, a better family.
My sister is still legally married but emotionally divorced from her ex husband, my whole family is all about livid through façades.
Jerry, this is one of the best videos you've ever done!! You have a way of explaining these concepts so that we can understand them. I can tell you've done your internal work bc you wouldn't have such clarity if you hadn't. You're a candle in the dark. You shed light on these concepts and it really helps reduce the shame attached to them.
Brené Brown says shame thrives with secrecy, silence, and judgement. You clear all those away and speak from a place of experience and true wisdom. You're helping lift the fog of shame for us. Thank you so much!
Such kind words, thank you! I know the pain I speak about in my videos and I’m glad I can help people practice self differentiation and finally get their family out of them. I’m grateful I can pass this freeing information to people who need it❤️
He has many great ones! His scapegoat video really blew me away as I resonated with it so much and it helped me understand my family hate that I never understood for decades!
Can you please tell me which scapegoat video you mean as there are many?
I married into a narc family and I really struggled with going low/no contact with my in-laws (aside from nieces and nephews). Once I told my husband that I would no longer attend immediate family functions (I would only go if other "safe" people would be there), it got much better. Thankfully my mil moved across country. She recently visited and my husband seemed much more tense and anxious when he was visiting daily with his family. He mostly only contacts them via messenger or texting, but I honestly feel that he is relieved when he doesn't have much contact. I truly don't miss the drama that comes with it, but I struggled for a few years until I got some real distance. It is constant work, but worth it. i will support my husband, but not his family (aside from nieces and nephews).
#6...that one. Thanks for sharing,Jerry Wise👍 The whole becoming aware thing is a knee-buckling ordeal. So is picking your soul up off the floor after the mindfxxx of ruminating about all the crazy you just now discern---pulling teeth is more fun. The worse is the "loss" of my baby sister,as I didn't identify as sneakily covert to the hilt until almost 2 yrs after no-contacting all other family. The betrayal discard was stunning,especially with all the witnesses around. When cornered,they lose it. Dangerous,heartbreaking...more wounds to heal. She's the only one I miss,we rode the crazy train together for decades and it sucked finding out she had been a double-agent all along. The grief feels like lead boots..
Sorry to hear, you got this ❤️
I am stuck at #6 myself right now. I just tell myself that it is part of the healing journey! My father was a malignant, and I married a Covert. Working on getting out of that right now, but he is dragging his feet. I look forward to my day of freedom and moving on. To helping my kids heal from their father's abuse as well. He is now turning it onto my daughter when I don't take the bait. Stay strong ✨️ 💪🏻 and know that you never deserved any of the abuse and invalidation.
I've been no contact since Novemeber 2023 with all of my immediate family. It all started with my mother, and then she dragged everyone else into it. Every now and then though I will send her or one of my brothers a message because I had something I JUST HAD TO SAY lol..... and I know I'm not doing anything but letting them learn I haven't completely detached yet, but outside of that, the last 6 months have been extremely peaceful. I don't know that I want to completely abandon my family yet. In many ways they have been helpful to me with some things through the years... but I've learned that they view help as a form of control... "we did this, so why are you saying that?". I'm not allowed to have my own thoughts about some things, or to say how I feel about things, because somebody helped me get my vehicle fixed so I could go to work. I don't miss anyone in my family currently, and I don't want to abandon them completely, but I don't want to go back to how things were before. I don't even care what they do in their day to day life now. It's all messed up, but somehow everything is all my fault.
Maaan, you are definitely not alone! I feel exactly like you do. I recently got into conflict with my oldest sister for the first time in 7 years and she was the one that started it! Once I told her to stay out of my business essentially after trying to come between my marriage, she had her family gang up on me and remind how wonderful my sister has been to me and all the things she and they did for me! They also said how I treat her like dirt! How could I treat her like dirt though when they all admitted that they think I’m a people pleaser and don’t stick up for myself? They must see that I’m that way with them too but I apparently still treat my sister horribly. This happened 8 months ago and I just cut contact a month ago. I can’t do it anymore. Holding up this people pleaser facade is beyond draining at this point especially when I realized that no matter how passive I am with them, they still have issues with me. It’s like im expected to just allow them to say whatever they want to me and be fine with it because of all they did for me. I lost complete interest in maintaining contact with any of them. I tried telling my sister about how I was still bothered by how she handled the situation and she basically didn’t care how I felt about it then smeared me to the rest of the family again! I’m still quietly steaming over it all!
No contact is the only solution. You will have peace and love yourself again. You'll see how much better you are than them and that's comforting as they convinced you you were bad.
Hi Jerry. I have no trouble detaching emotionally, there really were light-bulb moments with these people. The last time I heard from my Pa, I was in an airport and he claims he phoned me by accident. I didn't recognise his voice. Then, I kid you not, he said " DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM???" 🤣 Like he was the Artist Formally Known as Prince or something. OMG.
The real difficulty is when you have a child with these people. FML. You can't escape. I have two kids by two Narcs, and they have each done the same thing. When it finished, they rang child protection and told them I'm schizophrenic. 😡 The first one gave the second one the idea, as I never hid from him what had happened before. I had to take a court case against child protection and he saw all the paperwork because I never hid it.
They are not happy until they have taken your kids, had you evicted from your home, and had a horse drag your limp corpse through the streets.
Broken is broken
Exactly! Broken is hard to fix!
Especially if broken is certain everything else is broken
"This is who I am (whatever craziness you're doing). And if it emotionally upsets you, then let's not do this."
Fantastic!
I love this! Inner no-contact. Completely removing the energetic cord!! Thank you!
You're so welcome!😊
My brother took his own life. We were the only ones on earth that understood each others trauma. He abandoned me. Isolated..then took his life.. my grandmother on that side passed a month later. I lost my whole family with my brother and grandmother. No contact with the other demons who caused all this hell. Now im truly alone.
Please recognize that your brother was simply in too much pain to continue… it’s not your fault and it’s not reflective of how important you were to him. You probably helped him stay alive for a few years that he wouldn’t have had without you in the first place. Give yourself some credit.
We all need a larger community to live, especially to live well. Humans are a social species and no amount of self-love can fully replace the MULTIPLE connections we all need.
It’s still a deep loss and it’s so understandable to grieve in this situation. The people who truly loved you deserve those caring thoughts and the rest can go hang. Best of luck to you and your healing.
Better alone than with the narcissist. Best.
I feel alone when it comes to family, too. My brother is also the only one who knows what it was like to grow up in that house, but he also has ultimately turned into the thing he watched happen all those years ago. I don't have him anymore. Please know your brother would not have left if he could have held on. Mental illness is really terrible, and suffering is so hard on both mind and body. Take care of yourself now. Find a group for domestic violence survivors (emotional abuse certainly counts) and perhaps a doctor to help deal with your own needs, including medication if you need it. You are worth it. ❤
@@cc1k435 Well said.
Emotional WiFi - 😮
So good
I elaborate on this in my free training-> jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/build-the-self-you-were-never-allowed-to-have-10027
It's interesting how this can play out in churches, teams, academic programs...
You're very #wise #JerryWise
#NoContact #Divorce #EmotionalAbuse #Couples #Families #Grief #Vows
And in politics too. Learning about narcissism has helped me understand political figures too.
the hardest part of letting go mentally is my concern that I'm the bad son and I repeatedly try to justify it in my mind why I'm no contact, so I replay injustices over and over again to stave off the good times that try to pull me back in or convince me that I'm an ungrateful child.
The question is how do we become "neutral" without feeling like we are "bad people"?
Some ppl are bad, very bad. You don't have to be neutral. Be angry. But move on and don't look back. Watch out though. There are more of them, than us.
Imagine a friend, or your child told you your story, they are having your role, what would you tell your friend, your child?
That they are a good person, who had to do bad things sometimes to survive, that it is a good thing to cut off people who abuse you, that it is okay to grief a relationship that should have been happy, but was not.
I am talking a lot with my hurt inner child, comforting them, replaying the bad things and telling them that it was so, so wrong what was done to them, and they had no other choice but to live with it, and now they are free, they have better people in their life.
My inner child is still grieving, but they are no longer asking what they did wrong, if they deserved the abuse. They know they were just a child, caught in a very bad situation, and the abuser will never feel sorry for what they did, and they have no reason to contact them, to ever let themselves get hurt again
My sister, after dad's death, lied to family about abuse she did with her unlimited power of attorney. I'm now homeless with a cruel conservator and constant abuse. Their attorney chose my court appointed attorney. They keep moving my court date and working together with family to make me homeless. I lost 70 years of belonging, my inherentance, and my future. APS said what I reported was unsubstantiated, and they could be of no help. If my sister ever thought I was rebuilding my life, she would use any means to destroy me again. I never understood her hate and jealousy. She was the golden child. No one check out what she was doing. As always, she covered up by making it look like I was the bad one. (Becaused dad called to ask if I'd pick up his prescription after my sister refused, which I did. After his death, she claimed I was stealing his prescriptions. My signature from that day was her proof.) I have no friends, family or future
My older sister and mother are just as you described. I didn't know what they were doing...so I married someone just like them, yet he is much worse. I divorced him...divorce makes them more abusive. Now, we have 2 adult kids that behave like their Dad...and he grooms them and rewards them for being pathological liars. I did some healing work, and remarried to a good honest, loving man. This angers them so badly, they want my relationship with my husband destroyed. Finally I had to No Contact all of them. You do have to No Contact your sister and anyone having anything to do with them.. I learned to Trust God First...and find out why. God is Peace/Love and Joy and God created you to be Peace/Love and joy and to never ever obey people that are toxic. You can do this, but you and I have to LET THEM GO....and Trust God enough where God's love will show up in our lives. Bless you and prayers for you to be Strong. At time when I don't feel strong, I accept God's Strength for me...and I do feel stronger.
So after repeated boundary violations i went off on my mother. Called her out for how she neglected me and wants to pretend like it didn't happen. Her immediate response was to suggest that I go "no-contact" with her. Which i agreeed to. That was in January. Background my mother herself eventually always goes "no contact" with all of her family and friends, even her church. It's some effed up coping mechanism. I'm now at the point where i can finally admit that I hate my mother and enraged at the oevel of neglect and physical abuse i was subjected too. Need to get that hate out of me. Not sure if this is progress or not.
you have to get the rage of a whole childhood to get out, and you were never allowed to be angry or speak about the abuse before. so it is basically all the small things, having turned into an avalanche that went loose.
get the anger and grief out, it is progress. rage, write it up, read it whenever you think about getting back into contact, or think you might have been too hard on them..write it up, rage, and comfort your inner child, be gentle and kind to yourself and the anger will go away with time, it might turn into grief now and then, but.,...it will turn into smoke and disperse into thin air once your inner child has had time to heal
❤ Just giving it all away for free Jerry! When my budget allows I got u on my radar for additional help God bless your heart
Awesome thank you!😊
I’ve been following your channel for a while now and have since understood many things that I struggled with all my life. Contact to my narcissist father is limited to a minimum now , but the inner , deep rooted issues are not easy to overcome. Just knowing that I’m on my path to my real- self is incredibly good. Thank you for your guidance and your advice. Best regards Martina 😊
Thanks for the sub!🙂
You've helped me realize why I do or don't do some things in my life. I used to keep a pristine house because I was driven by fear and ridicule of my toxic parents. When I went no contact I rebelled and relished the fact that I could let things around the house go. It was a physical and visual sign to myself that I no longer need their approval. But i realized the physical mess I live in is not how I want to live. I want a neat home for ME. I DESERVE IT. I also recently started on a self-care habit and taking better care of myself. I know I need to clean my house but knew it was connected to emotional baggage somehow. You've helped me realize this was part of going no contact. Part of taking control of my own life without fear of criticism and rejection. Now I need to move past this era in my life. I just needed to work my way to this realization. I actually feel more weight lifted off me that I've been carrying due to missing my toxic family and being depressed over it.
I walked away . You know I'm a person if toxic people harms me I just walk away whether family or anyone. Though I'm working on myself. Just leave toxic treat family like they treat you , family or not family
Jerry, you are such a blessing. You get me, and you haven't even met me. 😊 What you describe here is taking me a very long time, but it is helpful to hear it put into some logical terms.
Would you please consider discussing what needs to happen when your parent cuts you out of their life? My going no contact happened simultaneously with them cutting me out of their lives. This occurred immediately after I finally blew and said the things I have been feeling about my mother for a long time. Somehow, despite desiring no contact myself, the idea that my parents choose to ignore me (and my family) as they grow older really, deeply hurts me....and I don't even know where to start with it all. It's so tangled and complicated.
Thanks for all you do. I hope that you realize how many people you help. ❤
Many thanks! Appreciate you😊
I was never close to my N mother, so I didn't have a lot of contact. Same goes for the N MIL, never had a relationship with that woman, my husband same thing. Doesn't bother him whatsoever to have no contact with her. She has nothing good to say about anyone, anything no matter what. Her punishment on earth is failing mobility, failing mind nasty, bitter, lies upon lies. Who wants to be around that. My husband prefers no contact with his brothers as well. So here we are, living our life without any interference from anyone.
I've been no contact with all my family (mother and 3 siblings) for 15 months. I haven't seen them since e 2017 (I live in another country from them) it has been very emotional, however I have worked through a lot of stuff. I am at peace with my decision
I have tried to become indifferent to my family of origin. Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out for me. What I've found works better for me is to examine the feelings I have about my family of origin and trying to be okay with feeling those things.
Without my family of origin, I would not exist. My family of origin provided me with a lot of good things in spite of the fact that I was forced to become an emotional scapegoat, likely because I am sensitive and neurodivergent, and then completely rejected for being queer years later.
I have found that trying to be indifferent to them causes me painful cognitive dissonance to the point of dissociation, meltdowns, and debilitating anxiety, and obsessing over people who hurt me. I have felt better when I try to accept that these people did a lot for me, but I must stay away from them now because they hurt me a lot, and I must grieve the healthful relationship with them that I can never ever have.
You are the narc then.
No. This person is trying to cope with something very difficult
@@DailyPailythere's no logic in your comment
Be careful whatever the " they did a lot for you " can be translated to "Coming with strings attached"
@DailyPally You're the narc and rude too.
I was the scapegoat.
I marrried young. We were married forty years
No childrens by choice.
Afert seventeen years of no contact
I made the biggest mistake of my life. I reconneted.
After a few i went nocomnect again for twelve year. She passed a few years ago.
I truly know what it means to have weight lifted off Me.
No i was not sad
#4. That, to me is one that many people struggle with. Honestly, it suggests that people who can't see their children or siblings as anything other than a role might mean they can't see themselves a separate entity away from the family of origin. Autonomy is confusing for them, and I think, for them, being a part of the family machine keeps the relationship easy for them. There is no investing in it if they can keep you as they always have. It's manipulation.
How do you grieve people that arent physically dead?
Treat them as such I guess? I don't know exactly the answer to that? I look at my biological mother not as such, anymore or someone who is good or was ever good for me to be around. When she is physically gone I will have relief. The last time I saw her I didn't recognize or view her such. That person died a long time ago. Had she never been in My life, it would have been immeasurably better. Some people are just evil and can't be fixed. I don't view my parents'problems as something I need to deal with.
Keep the dream of the life you wanted then go build it with others who support you. That's what I'm doing while I do POA from a distance.
Pretend they are. They are dead to me. I literally had a funeral ceremony.
You are grieving the loss of the relationship (and everything that comes with it), not their death. Like you would feel prolonged sadness from a breakup, the loss of a friendship or your favourite jacket being stained.
Having said that, my parents are metaphorically dead to me.
you grieve the people they could have been, the wonderful things and relationships you could have had with them. you grieve the chances they had, that they ruined, you grieve how much they made you go through.
I grieved my mother for so long, even when we still had contact, bcs she could be so nice and warm in rare moments...but..yeah.
basically you grieve them like a lost relationship where your partner is still out there, but has no longer a relationship with you. they are not dead, just gone
- 00:00 🎥 Introduction to narcissistic parents, families, and no contact component.
- 00:19 💔 Struggles continue after no contact or divorce, with lingering emotional effects.
- 00:48 🛑 No contact is necessary but insufficient to end suffering.
- 01:00 ⚖ Analogy of legal vs. emotional divorce; many remain emotionally attached.
- 02:02 🔄 Introduction to "inner no contact," beyond physical distance.
- 02:40 🧘 Detachment is key; working on not being emotionally attached.
- 02:51 🧩 Resolve family of origin issues to stop ongoing internal conflicts.
- 03:32 ✂ Cutting the emotional umbilical cord; disconnecting from family’s emotional influence.
- 04:08 🧠 Giving up family roles; no longer feeling defined by past roles.
- 05:26 🙅♂ Accepting you need nothing from your family to be happy.
- 06:57 😐 Exchange hate and anger for neutrality; moving from hurt to indifference.
- 07:34 🛡 Becoming self-differentiated to the point even the narcissist wants no contact.
- 08:19 ⚠ In abusive relationships, prioritize external no contact first.
- 08:51 🚀 No contact is the beginning, not the end, of the healing process.
- 09:00 📚 Recommended online program "Road to Self" for further guidance.
I love your concept of the emotional wi-fi Jerry. That was really brilliant as is everything you say and teach. Congratulations.
Just came to the #5 stage of my family scapegoat journey.
He has great videos about the scapegoat aspect of narcissists! It really hit home with me so many decades later being frustrated by it! I got the answers and understanding of why and it helped me a LOT! Go back to his video list as it was pretty recent and watch it! It’s well done! Helped me understand why my siblings stuck to my narc father and all were in on torturing me with hate!
My main reason for not going no contact with my toxic narcissistic parents is my financial problem, if I could solve my money problems i will disappear like a smoke caught in a breath.
So Am Asking How To Deal With The Financial Abuse In A Narcissistic Famil ?
If you are under 18, then that is a challenge. If you are over 18, consider that you need to support yourself and never expect a single penny from them.
There are videos on that topic! Just do a search on UA-cam and you will find help! There are many great docs teaching on UA-cam! Dr Les Carter is great!
@StillAwakeAwareDiscerning easy to say hard to do since they are constantly charging and plotting to destroy your financial independence. We are talking about narcissistic family not a normal one.
@Silver-_-Crow Completely understand. You wouldn't be the first person to go a shelter. They love that they have made it difficult for you to leave. That was their plan. They don't want their best scapegoat to exit the situation. Do what you have to, to get out. They are only going to make it harder.
@Silver-_-Crow Been there, done that. She stole tens of thousands from me that I didn't know I had (father's parents had apparently left us trust funds), she took investments worth thousands she had built up in our names, she wiped out and closed my bank account and CD (another couple thousand between the two of them) that I'd worked to pay into (minor at the time so her name had to be on it too), etc. As soon as I started working at 15, I had to pay for my own bus fare, field trips (big ones, not just local museums...), clothes and shoes, etc.
I left at 18, shortly after graduation. Shacked up with a friend and found a job, saved up, and then moved out on my own. I didn't know the extent of the financial damage she'd done til well over a decade later. And she did similar to my siblings but they're too weak to walk away. Sigh.
Point is, do what you have to to get out. Where there's a will, there's a way.
Thanks Jerry for these important nuances you keep illuminating for us
My pleasure
Thank you for this...exactly what I am dealing with right now concerning the inner no contact. I can't seem to implement this...always struggling with my internal dialogue. I need you!! I'm going to check out the program.
This is what the entire program is about, it would be great to have you join!
Thank you Jerry😊❤
You are so welcome
Be yourself ❤
Everyone else is taken
I have been thinking about something and I think it would be a good idea for you to do a video on it.. It has to do with giving our power away.. I think first we need to know what are the different forms of power and then which of those forms are on our side of the tennis net?..
As far as the no contact goes.. My family evicted me out of the business rather than buying me out.. They did the no contact and I just need to honor what they did.. If they contact me then I still need to honor the no contact..
resonates, painful, much appreciated for your insights as always Jerry.
i need mindful of the emotional attachments I still have with me while interacting the narcissists I knew. I focus on inner no contact before moving to a safer enviroment.
It’s been a year with very little contact with two of my family members. One of them told my sis she had NO idea why I could possibly be upset. She treats me so bad all the time that she doesn’t see anything even wrong. It just blows my mind. Right now I’m trying to figure out how to talk to her like an adult without yelling bc I’m still so angry at how she has treated me my entire life , angry that she says she has no idea why I could possibly be mad at her , I come to the conclusion she won’t change. I came to the conclusion I will always be the scapegoat. Now I have to figure out what to do with this anger and how to move foreward. I know I don’t need these two people in my life ti be happy. It would be amazing to just be civil with them. I thjnk I can. At a very far distance. I will be contacting a realtor soon to go over the process of selling my house soon bc I want to try to open a business in a different state. So I know I will be further away soon but I would like to make amends with those two. I would like to be civil with them. I just need to figure how to go about this
Don't tell them your address.
Be deliberately vague when asked personal questions that you feel uncomfortable answering.
Don't tell them that u r going no contact, just block or limit contact to whatever you can cope with.
You may want to only text someone,no talking on the phone with another, no visiting another one,etc.
Don't talk about them negatively to anyone that has contact with them, be vague- "a while back, not far from Barkley St, work is great thanks,etcì
Keep your personal business private.
You may decide to go to weddings or funerals but not birthdays & religious holday gatherings-Think of a smorgasbord,take what you want,leave what you don't want.
Always be pleasant if you meet anyone that knows the narcs, but no personal feelings or information given.
Look for stand-in brothers and sisters that are worthy of your attention to fill the hole in your heart,e.g. a younger friend equal to a younger sister. An older male friend equal to an older brother,etc.
Keep yourself busy,take up new interests.
Learn new things, revisit old hobbies,etc. Change your mind-channel everytime the narc takes up your brain-space.
Find peace and enjoy it.
You may decide to try to connect later, always make it at a time when you could cope with the worst possible scenario.
Look after yourself,no one else can do it for you.
Healing hugs to anyone who has narcs in their family. ❤
Special healing to any scapegoats out there.
Important- if someone brings a narcs name up or tells any info about them,ask them not to do so Have boundaries- no, I have a policy that "I don't do that, don't talk about that or don't attend such things,"etc.
Leaving your world, Jerry. Thank you for all your past help, BEFORE YOU BECAME THE MURRAY-BOWEN “SUPER-SELF”. GOD BLESS.
You are very welcome
Be strong enough to be honest and kind
✅
Hello Doctor I started putting myself first . It is pissing people off. Nearly most people always took care of people and when I thought of pursing higher education, do treatments on myself beauty treatments, take care of myself body and soul people start acting strange. Especially family and people in general . I wonder I'm doing like they do they take care of themselves and dont appologize for improving themselves . Im learning to take care of myself
This is invaluable work!
Thanks!😊
Going 'inner NC' Is strongly related to learning and understanding the dynamics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It isn't feasible to believe that everyone that chooses to go NC with family members or anyone else, will have a full understanding of NPD. Additionally, how many of us could factually declare that our family members were clinically narcissistic?
Abuse is abuse, regardless of its origin or cause. We need to address, as a society, with young children, how to respect others and treat others with civility.
Otherwise, futue generations will simply proliferate abusive behavior and society, as we know it today, will continue to spiral steadily downward until we burn ourselves out.
That's when the stars will go out, and that will be our demise.
Scapegoating and mobbing is inumane and I just cannot imagine signing up for something like that. Yet that is what my former family of origin is done over the last decade.
At 50 years old by parents are the only one left I speak to and that's mainly because they forced me into being in a position to be financially dependent on them.
The sabotaged apartments I lived at in relationships I had outside of them even though I moved 2300 mi away from them decades ago.
At least I'm NO CONTACT with my three EX-siblings from that so-called family now.
PS--I like many of Jerry's videos but I knew he would come with a sales tax for something of his and I find that a real disappointing ending of it. No contact is the main thing you have to do. I'm not here to be fixed or "normal" enough for someone else's tastes.
At 50, I'm a little too old and wise to be pressured into jumping through the hoops of perfection for someone else's advice
Thank you! This will help a lot of people
I'm glad!🙂
It is very difficult at first, like a drug addiction, but with each passing day, it does get easier.
The dysfunction has been your comfort zone. Your emotional needs are not met so meeting your emotional needs seems wrong making you feel guilty for wanting to be healthy and whole.
Your focus has been pleasing them, not yourself.
Work on rediscovering you, what YOU like, what you don't like. Learning that saying no is healthy.
Whatever you do, do not rush into another relationship.
The healing is a painful path to self. You need time to learn to love yourself.
No one else can meet your emotional needs but you.
Seek a healthy support system when needed.
Write down what you are feeling. That can help to detox you from the narcissist.
Find joy again.
Janette Parlin Survivor, Victor # #MPTAJO Remember that your feelings do matter.❤
Thank you yet again, Jerry. Your knowledge, insights & experience makes perfect sense and helps so many. 🎉
You are very welcome
It took me seven times to cut off my family kinda like trying to quit alcohol lol😢 I kept going back for years out of loyalty and sympathy for them, but for my mental health was declining and for my kids and my grandkids I had to do it! The grief is overwhelming😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
Great video Jerry 🎉
Thanks 👍
Thank you, Uncle Jerry.
Thank you Jerry.
I watch every video, and you're helping me so much!
Happy to hear that!
Great session 👏 thank you so much 🙏
Glad you enjoyed it!
Thank you Jerry ❤
I have come to believe that No Contact doesn't work. Some detachment is good. But always strive for healthy communication. Kindness. Forgiveness. Openness. Do it for yourself, not them. It builds strength.
💯
Good Work
Thanks!
So good
Thank you 🙏🫶🏼🫶🏼
Welcome!
Dziękujemy.
Many, many thanks🌻
You're welcome 😊
I managed to do this well with FOO but not with this guy I had a four-month emotional affair with nine years ago. I just need to forget this person ever existed just like I did with the fucked up FOO. Glad to see you posting Jerry the Wise.
Thank you.
Hi Jerry ty for your Videos, they realy helped me to understand Whats going on with my family
You are very welcome
May God continue to Bless You sir.
Many thanks! ❤️
That I'm sure you have already talked about or maybe I can give you ideas too this is the one that really gets me, I'm expected buy my siblings and the other parent to let it roll off my back are you kidding me are you freaking kidding me after 65 years just continue to take it and let it roll 3:53
I left my narc family forty years ago but am still finding out about my mother's wicked behaviour towards me and my children Things that l did not know at the time l ran away from my violent ex Her behaviour towards us still horifies me She would do anything to harm us physically and emotionally out of spite
Hi Jerry! I’ve been watching your videos and they really help me and the multiple personalities I have 😊 from these abuses😅
Thanks for sharing!!🙂
I think you are the only expert I can connect to. I'm moving to Switzerland soon. Hope I'll be able to work with you ❤
I hope so
I wrnt no contact for years but towards the end l decided to see her( she never changed) as l eanted to be able to sit in a room with her and not feel l eas going to be sick To me she was such a malevolent presence I always took my dog with me He was a great comfort
Thank you always DEAR Jerry
From Cynthia in JANESVILLE, WI
Thanks for listening
How's Kim Gortz doing, Doc? Moscow is now very proud. Thank for the recent gifts, sister.
The only problem is that when I have to face my narcissist, I have cardiospasmus. I am vomiting of her. No contact is not an option for everybody. If someone is dependent financially, no contact is impossible.
There's so much "this is what you need to do" and very little "here's some suggestions on how to accomplish this." Not just in videos, in therapy too. It's very frustrating to be given a goal with no tools.
You might find this helpful jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
Working for me Jer
If I had of stayed around them they'd have ruined me.