What Do Narcissists Gain By Being Secretive?
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- Опубліковано 29 тра 2024
- While it is normal to use discernment as you reveal who you are, narcissists choose to hide the truth about themselves routinely. When pressed to choose if they should be open versus secretive, they choose being secretive. Dr. Les Carter highlights multiple reasons for this, then discusses the alternative of appropriate authenticity.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his UA-cam channel, his videos have received more than 110 million views.
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They are secretive with everyone BUT want to know everyone else’s personal business.
I completely agree. It has taken me a year to understand I am dealing with a narcissist. He got me at my weakest. I had a hormone problem in combination with a thyroid issue.
I was over thinking like crazy for years…as soon as I got diagnosed properly and started treatment, I saw him clearly.
He was adding doubt to my already overthinking mind.
The window being up an inch because I went outside to have conversations. I talk on speaker all the time. So I wasn’t hiding I was being respectful of not forcing you to listen to my conversation with my lady friends.
He works out of town so I rarely see him.
By the way : they are the biggest gossipers on this planet😮
The narc is always secretive about everything and anything,and they cannot even have an innocent and open conversation with their partner😮😢I tend to be open and talk about what I have been doing during the day etc to my partner and as an answer I get only half a sentence or nothing ,so annoying,they are always teyi g to hide things ,i hate it😮
One day you come to the realization that everything you thought you knew about the narcissist was a lie. And the person you thought you knew never existed.
So true, and so sad.
We loved a lie.
painful
Oh God. I just figured this out after 41 years. Truth.
One day I had to send a note concerning IRS info. I sent it to his place of employment bc I actually don’t want to know where he lives.
His response was “ respect my privacy “. I’m still laughing right out loud, you mean ????? Keep my secrets???? Please clarify 😂😂😄.
I did not respond. Paranoid or what ? I never have to worry about that. Grateful.
The upper hand. The smirk when you are surprised is the telltale sign.
Yes. They get a kick out of the shock surprise 😲
They think they are 'smarter' than you, because they keep these secrets. In reality, they are being cunning, which is just evil behavior.
Ahhh. "Contempt!" I know thee well...
@@lilymaria5310 If I call them out on their secret BS then I "just don't want to get along". If I let them get away with their BS then I'm "an idiot who deserved it". The flying monkeys can be worse than the narc. The narc would have almost no power if not for the flying monkeys and enablers.
The only reason tyrants like Cesar rise to power is from flying monkeys and enablers who sacrifice others for their own temporary gain in order to feel virtuous for being pathetic little sycophants. They are going along to get along. Look at them go! See the glorious virtue blinding your eyes? Yeah, me neither.
Yes the infamous demonic narc/shark smirk. They think we are stupid and then when they see how sharp we are plus how sharp our discernment is it aggravates them but also impresses them.
If someone is untrustworthy, they probably have difficulty believing that others are trustworthy
So true! My sister acts as if everyone's goal is to take advantage of her, including me. It must be so terrible to feel that way all the time.
What does the secretive style of Narcs tell you about them?
1. They must be in control
2. They like their deviousness
3. They will rationalize, they are setting boundaries
4. Much in their true identity is shameful
5. They keep lots of double standards
6. They have no respect for you
7. Compromising/blending is not profitable
8. They do not trust anybody
Be aware:
》Secretiveness is built into who they are
》They have to cover up
》They are living by a false self
》They are very painfilled from the inside
》They are in constant service of themselves
Openness is a good thing because...
1. You appreciate inter-connectedness
2. You have a handle on anger, conflict
3. You have little to hide
4. Egotism, selfishness is held in check
5. You respect yourself and others as well
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
Roxy, You're the best!
*Thank you* .
When psychologists say that narcissistic family system is like a cult... That's exactly
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you for your kind words, Dr Carter.
@@lishmahlishmah You are very welcome and I am glad to "see" you again, Lishma❣🙋♀️
Excellent summary. I'm tempted to print it!
Smug satisfaction, narcissist's love to trick people with their wicked little mind games.
If you would know who they really are ( that is mostly dull, mean and demanding) , you would run away screaming.
Exactly!!!!!!
This is the only reply I've ever seen that made me laugh out loud immediately! Thanks!
@@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753 for the narcissist, because now we know who they are.☺
😂😂😂 Absolutely. You really hit the nail on the head....
They gain the ability to morph personalities and emotions on command in order to fit their selfish, demented agenda.
Yes they are shape shifters and what aggravates them about sigma males is we are also like chameleons blending in anywhere.
It is even worse when they weaponize religion to get what they want. It makes me sick to think that anyone could take something as holy and pure as organized religion and drag it in the secular mud to get what they want.
Then they practice that organized religion on Sunday and act pious. It is revolting and evil. Yet they do it with a smile.
Yet another vile evil of narcissism.
My ex called it 'going along to get along'. He became whatever the people he was with required at the moment. I asked him "Don't you even HAVE a personality?" It was mind boggling watching him put on different personalities to suit the people he was with.
Sounds like an actor.
It seems like the secrecy is intended to give the narcissist a little supply hit. They emotionally get off on blindsiding people with information that should have been given.
They almost always underestimate the person they’re squaring up against as they carry a sense of superiority and cleverness. And when they get cut down at the knees, they go into an extreme emotional spiral of victim mentality.
Absolutely spot on! Its like a dope fiend, looking for a fix.
You are right. Instead of narcissists only telling the odd lie as a last resort to help keep people safe they only find it entertaining to be getting to be tell lies at work; Most of all when that leads to them having dirt on somebody they don't like at all or someone they all only tolerate having around because according to them they are from a far less according to them loyal line than they are all from. Like after 'forgetting' to tell someone about the surveillance cameras they installed before someone else was supposed to move in.
Pry into your life yet reveal little to nothing about them. It's used out of entitlement and to be in charge. When you complain, they will bully you with your info.
My life with narc going through my phone using my past against me but lying about everything in their life.
Yes they control you with info😢
Being an open book is not good around these people
A Narcissist can never be honest- especially with themselves!
The holistic omniscience is what the corrupted people believe themselves to be.
the narcissist needs and wants to protect their mask, their false self, by any means necessary.
when you find out who they truly are, you can't unsee it. they not only will run away from you, but will try to run away from themselves.
because they know your view is accurate.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
Yup. You are near the car plant on Oakville if my memory serves me correctly.
@mr.makedonija2627 correct. hope business is good with you.
enjoy your narc free upcoming weekend.
-cheers, steven
And not being responsible for their words, behaviour and actions. 🤗
Secretiveness = disrespect and being disrespectful is the narcissist’s default setting. Thank you dr Carter ❤
Whatever their perceived gain is, the "secret' is out! They are so hollow inside, the only way they can get through life is to take whatever "supply" from you they can.
It's like they're saying: "I'm so empty, the only way I know how to fill up is to fill you with misery."
Some don’t even know who their real self is - therefore covering this up by being secretive to avoid awkward conversations & situations about themselves that they harbor deep inside & never came to terms with.
You can blatantly see things in front of your own eyes and they will not address it. They plead the 5th. But for us: guilty until proven innocent.
Secretiveness was all part of the manipulation. What he thought I did not know came back to bite him in A##. I finally played him at his own game.
Game over. Actually he taught me well right???? Grateful I am not who he is & I survived a nasty game. OOOOOHHHHH is he mad. Me ? Blessed peaceful &
healing in my new journey.
Yessss indeed I give it to her she had me under the spell for quite some time and then I had a spiritual awakening, the veil was lifted and God opened my eyes to everything around me
👏🏻👍🏻Well done!
Whenever they smirk it’s a sign they think they have ‘won’ something
Empaths must be compartmentalized so as not to be able to compare notes, otherwise the narcissist's incongruent stories will be exposed.
I’ve watched hundreds of Narc videos, and appreciate you exploring the deeper intricacies of this disorder that you don’t find elsewhere!
Openness means we appreciate building relationships, can handle anger, don’t have a lot to hide, have respect for self and others.
You guys are pathological slanderous hypocrites. Listen to what you're saying. Hyper critical narcissistic delusional people are the rule of the corrupt. You have respect for self and others???
CENSORSHIP. Look at your comment. You have respect for self and others... Censorship
Secrets, from the ridiculous to the bizarre.
Being a closed person fits with their “I don’t care” pervasive attitude.
Makes you wonder why are they allowed to waste people's time and lives with their shallow hollow selves.
Lots of people keep their "sexual inclinations" a secret - most especially the predator... which requires us to have a special "handle on anger."
yep the covert narc I was with turned out to be p*do p*rn addict - ruined my life
Simply put, knowledge is power. Told to me by my marriage counselor when I asked her why my husband lied about anything and everything, large and small.
The secretiveness that shows disrespect is deliberately done to push you away. Once you decide you have had enough it feeds into their victim status. I watch for patterns where a person is always done wrong. They are the common denominator.
I believe you expressed it so well. You could see some poor behavior and they will clue you in on the person's sentiment. So how is it they can spot others pushing people away and not recognize it themself?
@@An-meiI will try to answer your question. I will rephrase it as the general question, 'why can narcissistic people identify their own behaviors and motivations in others, yet are totally oblivious to their true feelings and motivations?' Like the ultimate hypocrite.
There is a psychological process called Projective Identification. In a nutshell, when a person cannot handle the exhausting and dominating terrors of self-awareness, they twist their awareness in an act of denial to project their true feelings and motivations upon others to save or stabilize their minds. This "projection" safely externalizes their inner chaos at arm's length, where they can pretend the troubles they see and sow in others' lives is other peoples' fault. And that their dishonest projection has nothing to do with their imagined perfection or blamelessness.
There is an added advantage to "finding fault" in others. It puts people on the defense. And the "fault finder" magically becomes dominant, like a powerful judge (or critical parent scolding a child).
If you pay attention, you will notice narcissistic people are usually engaged in twisting things around, or "reversal." It is my opinion they do this because they lack the capacity for acceptance. They can't engage in self-acceptance. 🤷♂️
@@chriswyma145 Thank you. I get the projection but I am amazed at how they are able to interpret the intention. Like they were inside the mind of criminal behavior.
@@An-mei 😊 I have wondered about the source of criminal inspiration too. I don't know how that works. ☺️
@@chriswyma145 Ya, but it doesn't feel cute so sorry if I can't relate to the emojis. Sorry if I am misunderstanding.
He tells story after made uo story about himself which are all lies. I found this out a few months after marrying him.
He cheats, he lies, hes angry and abusive, , gaslights,,, even calls himself a Christian,,, but has never behaved like one.
Thank you for giving me courage and information
Narcs however are not secretive about their victims.
So true! If my ex narc could have rented a billboard trashing me, I don't doubt he'd have done it.
They take delight in gossiping about you!!! 😔😲😧 It's very sad and sick!!!
They are obsessed with talking about u to anyone who will listen two bird brains
Big reason: fear & personal safety, right ?
They leverage power, and if it goes wrong & their cover gets blown, their victims might retaliate. ❤
Positive waves, everyone.
Oh so true. I was always told “you don’t need to know everything “ from my ex narc husband. Then he kept crucial information from me about the whereabouts of my oldest son a few years ago and my son died That was when I finally filed for divorce.
So sorry this happened to you. Not right.
OMG how heartbreaking for you. Glad you dumped your ex, that's an unforgivable offense.
@@lynnebucher6537. Thank you. Yes. Thought I would never recover. Being the narc that he is he didn’t even think it was that big of a deal. When my other son asked why he hid the information his response was “what could’ve been done about it anyway “? My son was 2 hours away for a week before he died and the ex knew it. Never told me my son (who was married and an adult) was there.
My neck is sore just from nodding YES! Lol
Your curiosity. We all know curiosity killed the cat!!!
My Father the Covert Narc, never ever leaves a message on anyone's cell phone expecting that person to see his phone number and know they are to call him immediately.
They share very little, expect to know everything about you, and then when they do know things about you the xontrol and manipulation sets in of criticising who you are! Then when you no longer want to share they kick off big style because they know you've stopped sharing. They're impossible and as you try to disengage they get nastier and nastier
Being secretive...
...is holding back who you are.
...will not give you closure.
...has the byproduct of being mysterious.
...will keep you hooked.
...will keep you in confusion.
...can make you suspicious.
...can make you fearful.
...can make you doubt yourself.
Being secretive can be used as a weapon to gain power and control.
...can make you try harder.
...can make you blame yourself.
It's vicious
@@yukio_saitoYes, their evasiveness can even be illegal. That's why there are Royal Commissions. I'm personally dealing with this in a Body Corporate issue. Basically the only next step is legal Adjudication then arbitration over what should be an easy to resolve and small issue because they won't act responsibly and legally, vote, respond to emails, etc
@@yukio_saito Thank you, Yukio, for integrating your thoughts 🙏
@@An-mei Yes, it's vicious and can be so very harmful. The most secretive person in my life has been my mother and as you know by yourself, this can have such a deep impact on yourself.
P.S.: You profile picture, which I guess is you at a very young age (next to your mother?) reminds me of a neighbor girl when I was at that age 😊🙋♀️
I know this well, but it's validating to hear after all the gas lighting.
They are very evasive; I usually found out what my ex narcissist husband was up to by talking to other members of my family, calling him out on his secretiveness.
So nice to see Gus, patiently waiting for Dr. Carter. He is a beautiful dog.
Thank you for this video. I hated the secretiveness. It was there even when it never seemed necessary. So sad.
This just illustrates further how disconnected they are from the real world and the ability to connect and have something filled with integrity and character. I have talked with my ex and he still seems so much in a world that does not exist. He clearly did not see reality and truth. 🤦♀️
Yes. And it goes much deeper than denial!!! 😮🤫🙄
The secretiveness and pretense helps prevent self-awareness. Self-awareness creates an inescapable hell without acceptance, or self-acceptance.
@@chriswyma145 more than that is the desire to have control. Or the semblance of control. They cannot stand to see anyone else besides them as having a say. If they keep secrets or are secretive, the narcissist feels satisfied both in terms of maintaining an illusion of controlling others and allowing themselves to feel either needed or superior depending on the narcissist type. This superiority then gives them a false sense of security which also acts as a double edged sword. They feel secure which is short lived because any exchange will shatter the fragile image they have either of themselves or the world around them, to which they see as an assault against them. This then triggers an ongoing struggle both internal and external causing them to lash out against others.
They can ruin your life. Or your kids lives. With no remorse. Ex told me the other day. I’m Happy. lol. I wanted to tell glad you are. You messed up the rest of the family. Doesn’t take long for new friends of hers to catch on.
I hear you say often that the narcissist is governed by “inner chaos”-can you do a video about what inner chaos is? I don’t have a clear understanding of it. Thank you so much for your videos, they are very helpful!
Over-5 years of my digging resulted in my semi-figuring this out: If "nice" Ex covert somatic NPD could tell the truth, this is what I think the truth is (I wrote from my Ex's perspective):
1 - I will do anything, and I do mean anything, for attention. (I don’t have morals to stop me. See below.)
2 - I'm a life-time maladaptive daydreamer. I absorb other people's appearances, voices, and stories; and I create fantasies about them.
3 - I have a very satisfying, secret, sexual relationship with myself, my body and my imagination. As such, if you're going to be around me so much, you need to desire me, "attack" me intimately, and kiss me so I can feed off of your desire and plug that real-life data into my fantasy world. And if you don’t let me feed off of your desire for me, I will say that you’re a cold person.
4 - I even have a fantasy version of you; so I don't really see or know you (nor do I care to).
5 - I am cheating on you with many people-at minimum, in my head.
6 - I know I told you I am a one-person kind of partner and don't have any friends; but I actually have a secret compartment of relationships at my job where you cannot be involved or know what's going on (and it's "work" anyway, don't you want me to work?!)--including with, and in addition to, my fantasy characters and abundant other secret compartments.
7 - It’s crucial that most people don’t know you exist, and/or that I don’t have someone I care about in my life, and/or that we’re not in a relationship-I need everyone to see me as single or at least sadly unsupported. There must be no barriers from my getting attention and supply.
8 - It’s also crucial that you don’t meet other people who I have known, that you do not see how I behave around others, or what they know about me.
9 - If you do notice inappropriate, disrespectful behavior going on between me and other people, it’s because you’re controlling and not because I’m doing anything wrong.
10 - And, on that note, your sister who you have been no-contact with for years out of self-care and dignity, and who I never met before, is in a new and yet another compartment with me now that you and I broke up.
11 - Everyone is replaceable and disposable (including you)--which is how I can truthfully say, "That person doesn't mean anything to me."
12 - However, whoever is noticing me in each moment or whoever I'm noticing, is very-much my everything in that moment (I am very skilled at temporarily making anyone my "everything" in each moment).
13 - Yes, I will lovebomb you, tell you what I think you want to hear, do lots of nice things for you, buy you anything, do any activity you want, want you around me all the time, and I would be with you for the rest of your life if you'd let me. (So no one will ever believe you about me, and you will even trick yourself because of this.)
14 - You're like a companion dog or a familiar comfortable couch to me (i.e. an object).
15 - However, I will continue to cheat on you (in my head, at minimum; and with manipulating, lying to, and hiding from you) and I will always desire attention and mental/emotional/sensual pleasure from anything and everyone (which I skillfully am able to do in total and complete secret--so no one will ever, ever believe you about this).
16 - One of my tricks is to say very little except some nice or funny or compliant comments; my lap is always open and I am game for anything. So, as I mentioned, no one will ever believe you about me.
17 - I don't have integrity, values morals, ethics, standards, principles or a conscious which I stand on. Lying and manipulation is a way of life for me.
18 - I am a shapeshifter, a chameleon, exploiter, and con artist.
19 - I morph into whatever and whoever will give me impulsive, superficial pleasure and will help me create stories in my head which feel real to me.
20 - I will argue endlessly with you, telling you that you’re wrong by saying we’re not a good fit. I will argue and insist that we really are on the same page, that we really do want the same things, that we actually have the same morals, and that we should stay in a relationship together. By doing this, I can claim that you are the one with the problem, because I love you and want to be with you. The truth is that it is fun to confuse you, create cognitive dissonance, make you feel crazy, and, hopefully, to make you react to my psychological games-and, of course, to get your supply of attention.
21 - I'm willing to do anything, I’m game for anything, because I really don't care about much except easy entertainment, thrills and dopamine hits.
22 - It's not that you're unique or special to me, or that I find you valuable. I will take anyone who gives me attention. That's all you are to me: one of many sources of supply.
23 -I'm super immature and superficial. I would be happiest spending my life alone with myself and my body, daydreaming, playing video games (with all the soap-opera type stories and characters, which I love pretend to be part of, in the games), and watching, looking at, listening to, and absorbing females of all ages (among other things) in media.
24 - You are correct in recognizing and identifying with my deep childhood trauma. But I never want to heal it, with or away from you. Living superficially and impulsively is just way too good and way too easy for me to want to give up (Plus, I'm highly-skilled at it, to the point of arrogance--I have it mastered, unlike anything else in my life).
25 - Crumbs are abundant. You're only one person. I want quantity, not quality. I want an infinite buffet of superficial pleasures.
26 - I love that you believed my love-bombing meant that I love you. This way, you were vulnerable with me and shared with me-with trust and in confidence-things about yourself and your knowledge. I have used this material as pick-up lines to impress and get attention from others; and also to smear your character (especially delicious to me is my sharing private things about you--definitely out-of-context, twisted, and without my own accountability--with others who have hurt and/or have smeared you.)
27 - If I wasn't so socially-awkward, I would have one-time hook-ups throughout the week.
28 - I'm "shy" and socially-awkward during the times when I don’t know which mask to wear or haven’t figured out how to trick certain types of people around me. Or else because it gets people to think I’m harmless so they fall right into my trap.
29 - I am also socially-awkward because I really don't give a crap about knowing anyone beyond what's needed to fantasize about them. And I certainly don't want them to know the truth about me. So I don't know what to say to people; plus, it's boring to listen to words (Additionally, I’m too busy absorbing tones of voices, appearances, and data-mining for fantasy material).
30 - Being quiet and playing dumb around you (you being someone who desperately wanted to know and understand me and to know the truth) was very much to my advantage. It distracted you from my lies and manipulation, as you continuously tried to figure out what the hell was going on and to explain your confusion and relationship needs to me. It was all just a game. And I enjoyed getting you to expose more and more about yourself, while making an ass out of you. Sucker!
31 - That only you know the truth, that no one believes you, that I have everyone but you fooled, makes me super cocky and arrogant. And my being psychopathically-pleasured by my ability and power to cause your pain makes me arrogant and cocky as well.
2 year old looking for a secondary supply mother who never complains but always acquiesces in the program so get with it
@@caroleminke6116 Got that right! I have no problem nurturing my partner. But this truly is a "I want mommy in the kitchen baking me cookies for when I'm done playing with my imaginary groupies" situation.
Creepily spot on. Wish it wasn't so. It's all so despicable!
@@MarinaLifeAnimal I thought I was the only one who has had this particular experience. I don't hear people talking about it. I'm trying to heal from the pain of being gaslit about these things, being tricked (both by myself and by this person), and finally accepting that this person really didn't value me (despite all the "nice" actions and the amazing loving statements)--and yet everyone (except my adult kids) sees this person and so nice, easy-going, and laid back. All of this is a challenge to get to the bottom of in my head and with my sorrow.
Spot on. Cheating with several people kills me.
I had recently begun to suspect that a "friend" of mine was "off" in some way. These videos have really helped me to understand his behaviour and takes steps to protect myself. Thank you!
Thank you Dr Carter. Yesterday listening to you saying narcissist are angry was a watershed moment for me. I understood so much from there and now I’m better equipped in how I’m going to respond. I guess their anger is secretive too but underlines the motive of controlling. It’s like you can’t have what I deserve or it’s unfair so it should be mine and that is their trigger of anger.
A Roman senator and philosopher named Seneca once said anger is contagious. He is right so I’m going to be more careful.
Great to see your energy today.
Thanks so much, Ross.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I’ve got to be not so quick to react and be more mindful if I’m going to be careful.
The narcissist IS the lie 🤦♀️ it’s that simple 👩 so why would they want to be open at all
Saying hello team healthy from Canada 😊
The videos help me to reflect on myself first. Also, I am able to think back on the subtle things I saw, but dismissed. Thank you Dr. Carter.
You're so welcome!
A malignant Nic sibling is also manipulative (Machiavellian), and is secretive to hide not just his real self, but also to hide his predatory plans and actions.
I think it's also a form of stonewalling. They feel powerful if you're wondering what they're up to, even when they're just having coffee by themselves.
All the secrets to cover the bigger one the evil twisted inner self. Sooner or later (most of the times sooner than you expect) you will face that evil and after that never believe a word of their fake life.
I have been secretive with a person who tells everyone else my confidences. Took a while for me to figure it out. Sad.
I have worked with and currently work with some good people. Some of them I always got on well with, others we have made our peace, and others I have known are put between a rock and a hard place by narcs.
The joy of being able to relax around those who I can trust is so incredible. It warms this introverts heart to know that I can let people know about me more and more in a normal manner rather than having to deal with narc machinations in the process.
As for the narcs, it looks like they are a lost cause. When it comes towhat they did, all I have say about that is Let God Judge between Me and Thee.
A great honor for me, dr C 💚
Thank you for being here 🧡
Thank you, Lishmah.
My best friend of many years is in jail for allegedly abusing someone. I didn't believe it at first, but as Ive learned about narcissism, i realize how abusive he's been to me. I guess he was never my best friend. I was just the one with low enough self-esteem to stick around and put up with his shit. Never again. I dont feel sorry for him now.
So sad.
Secretiveness regarding normal family visits, interactions, etc. Not sharing of critical info, not sharing news of deaths, not sharing the joys of others good fortune, but especially not sharing emotional bonds that normal fanilies do, not sharing ANYTHING, good or bad. Only a 'chosen' golden child is detertmined to be worthy of info...during a horriblevtragedy, the names of ppl who made food, sent $, etc, was withheld from us so that we could not even say 'thank you'.. only sending thank yous with their name and no other family members. Intentional. Mean. Deceitful. Manipulative.
I love the way you smack your lips and laugh when describing these people. It's like speaking about a troubled child.
Thank you for the way you approach this subject because it is in that way that I come to understanding.
Wow, you really hit the nail on the head with this one! It's like you met my sister, spent some time with her and are now summing her up. I feel sad that she is so unhappy and created chaos several years ago that led to our estrangement from one another. Of course, she now tells people she has no idea why I might be mad at her and refuse to talk to her when she was the one who started it all. 😞
As a recovering narcissist I'll say once I started getting away with things a healthy person would never do it snowballed into a feeling of "doing bad stuff is way more fun than doing good stuff:
I see that in my husband its like dammmmm
Contempt!
My boss makes all employees provide him w/our family photos w/names, what they do, where they live, & rate our relationship w/each family member on a 1-10 scale. We found out he's married w/a step daughter has zero family photos in his office, nothing on the walls or desk, we don't know their names. Just an empty room w/a desk & chair. Yet, he's always pushing family first culture.
That's just weird and intrusive.
@@lynnebucher6537 It is, however, for a narc, it's data collecting to be used against us depending on his future narratives under the guise of "we're a family."
Data mining and waiting to use it.
😯🚩
@@treesab2823 I think so. He will take advantage of employees' privacy.
Sometimes I believe that this adorable dog is a doll!! ❤
It’s difficult to understanding narc. But when I learned who my narc. Wife was then I did learned one thing that I know her better then what she known herself
My narcissist friend is very big on setting boundaries--it's his buzzword. Boundaries for me. If I even broach the subject of MY boundaries, a haughty silent treatment or gray-rock blank look is my "reward". During the past eight years, he's unfriended me 4 times because I tried to set my own personal boundaries or attempted to get to know him better by nudging one of his adamant boundaries. His boundaries have atrophied into a thick shell of paranoia that keeps him unknown and permanently unknowable. He's very lonely but its his choice, as long as he remains in control.
Avoiding SHAME was key driver in my ex, she also used secrets as weapon so this video nailed her very well.
My husband told me to my face he doesn't are about me... i said ok bye
My ex narc kept secrets long before I entered the picture. His oldest son told me they never knew where he was when they were boys, and that one Christmas he didn't make it home. He was a trucker, so that in itself wasn't too unusual. But, he never called to give the kids or his wife a "head's up" though. The truth was he spent that Christmas with a fling and her son.
😢
Omg the internet is the perfect hiding place !! I am working on the 15 words that describe me. It is working
Pleased for you!
This is interesting because it seams like everyone that I was connected to was secretive.. One thing I like about Dr. Phil is he talks about how it is rather than how it should be. Rather than not gossiping about others I need to learn how to deal with others who gossip about me.. This is where I need to be secretive around unsafe people.. Start talking about the weather and if they are safe maybe go a little deeper.. I can understand how people can be secretive.. What I need to keep doing is to stop chasing people.. If they are too secretive then I need to be more secretive and more distant from them..
I spent a year on the MS Gulf Coast.. The one thing I appreciated about how it was down there is if someone disliked me I would know.. The north and the west it is a lot more challenging to find out if people dislike me.. It is very secretive.. Great topic as usual..
No truer words ever spoken wish my hero Dr. Carter, I wish I had found 30 yrs ago so those in question about your relationship RUN RUN while you can...everything he has in his healing videos are so true looking back ..strangly had a good friends of both of ours told me yesterday he and his wife never saw who he was but now they do and are shocked at what they reliaze now..
Glad it resonated!!
Fun fact.
the many years of useless psychotherapy with my Jungian psychologist (she was a lady who made a professional cocktail between psychoanalysis and some other school growing in Italy about 25 years ago) ... all that stuff was not entirely useless. The Jungian dreams' interpretation was a central point. A true pillar. In my 20s I became very good at analyzing my dreams...
After 5 years of therapy my problems (never diagnosed nor resolved: cpstd) were still the same.... but I could say many things to the people who happened to tell me their dreams... There was also an ex-schoolmate of mine who sometimes contacted me and asked me the meaning of dreams as a... "do-it-yourself therapy" for her life and relationships. My interpretations worked well. (Also because, you know it well, as an empath + as a great narcissistic supply, I was always ready to fix other people problems).
Well...
Today.
My narcissists believe that dreams are just dreams, that is, funny things fully independent from real life... That's why it happens sometimes that they tell me their dreams as if they told me something they saw on television... as a kind of joke... (because they never want to tell me important topics).
So, they sometimes speak about their dreams especially if they can criticize someone (even in dreams!) or brag about a good dream...
They certainly don't consider me a reliable interpreter... And the dreams are just dreams.
I think most of the Team Healthy will have already understood where I want to go...
Actually, yes of course, this is a fun fact, but unfortunately, much more, it's a very sad fact for me. Because through some of those dreams I can understand (very closely to the truth) their vision of reality.
Too sad.
They're always in flight🏃 or fight👊 mode and 🙈🙉🙊
Thank you Dr. c…. you had mentioned it’s an honor for you to be here with us and I also want you to know that it is an honor, HONOR ALSO to be here with you.
GOD BLESS-YOU ALWAYS
From JANESVILLE
Thanks, Cynthia.
I have ptsd. One doctor was gentle and even let me cry and even let me hug him. A new MD whose a specialist when I admitted to trauma yelled out you've got PTSD! Obviously I wasn't safe and froze. I've written way back in 2017 on being homeless and having nightmares. Veterans loved the blog post but under her reaction I froze. I pray I can stand up to her next time. New Mexico has very few MD's and she's a geneticist which I would like. I Suspect I'm more up to date and i want to be honest with her but I just don't feel safe. Emergency therapy manana. 🙏🏽🦋
Glad you are persistent in getting help. Hopefully you can find an empathetic doctor. A hug really helps, all I can do is send you a virtual one.
That's terrible! ❤
After talking through a disagreement, often times the narcissistic person would agree to having more opening communication about said topic. Then maybe a few days after that agreement, it’s almost like the narcissistic person would create more conflict, just to get out of having to have more open communication with me. And then using that as the reason why they don’t communicate openly with me. I could never win.
By the way,i love your dog,he is listening to every word you are saying today,sooo cute😊
DR.C YOU HAVE A VIDEO CALLED YOU CAN NOT TAKE NARCISSIST AT FACE VALUE IT CORRECTE SO MUCH WITH NARCISSIST BEING SECRETIVE.
Yes.
Goodness. I only got into video very short time. Just flashback my caregivers. I will finish this video soon. Not today...Thank Dr. Carter so so much!❤😢❤😊🌅🦅🦉❤
My sister deserves the gold medal for secretiveness.
Thank you Dr. C🙏🏻
Well your weaknesses can be used against you. Obviously they have a false self which isn't vulnerable. Issue is after a while they become in humane.
This was such an informative session. Thank you Dr. C. The secretive side of the narcissist has always bewildered me but I feel I have a better understanding of it now.
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you Dr. C and it certainly does sound just like what the devil does.
All deceit and loves every minute of it.
From JANESVILLE, WI
Before the discard his shoulders looked like they hurt 😔 he was in alot of pain
Thank you for this excellent and helpful information!
Thanks!
Thank you.
Thank you so much for this DR Les, You're absolutely beautiful, I have no dust in my eyes, I see clearly, Peace, love and respect to you, Gus and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory to the most high God 😃💗🌈🌌❤💚💜💙💛🦁🦁👽🦄✌♱⚖🕆🐎☘🍄
Hi Gus! 💚💙🧡
Woof!
Dear Dr Les, I just want to share. Now that I'm healed I just giggle about it... so the narc sibling and I don't speak, but my nephew and I are close. So maybe twice a year I will receive photos of him from his mom. Special occasions, like his recent school graduation dance.. but this is the catch, she will always withhold the nicest photos and send me the absolute minimum minimum, and never the nicest one. Luckily my aunt usually send the nice ones to me. It just baffles my mind. Anyway.
Sometimes they are just downright odd.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Perfectly said! 👌
Dr Carter…I don’t think my husband has that shame. I have always said this to my therapist as well. I genuinely think he thinks he is always correct in everything he says and does and it’s all completely justified. His mother is his clone or should I say, he’s her clone. They are both self righteous, emotionally neglectful narcissists. His mother paints this picture of wholesomeness which even I fell for for years until I started to see the two faced, back stabbing she does after visitors leave. They both seriously do not feel shame at all. Everything is everyone else’s fault.
In cases like this the shame is still in there, as evidenced by the fear of exposing the real self. What you're seeing is the accompanying effects of an underdeveloped conscience that leads to very low self awareness. It comes out as manipulation and entitlement...compensation. It's both complicated and fascinating to sift it out.
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you for explaining this to me. I appreciate you taking the time.
I wish I had asked these questions! She was incredibly secretive! SMH very frustrating
They are entitled to their devianceness.
Thank you Dr. Carter your video hits home....I"ve been there.
Glad it was helpful!
In the last few weeks before I retired , I was at the time clock. I was talking to someone about something. She admits to me and everyone around how she lies about everything. I was in shock. I told the lady next to me I would rather be known for over sharing then be a liar. Then after my retirement another individual that was not part of the time clock group contacted me. She was all worried about what I might have hear about her. Trust me I hadn’t heard jack. Hadn’t talked to anyone. So, this person and I gossiped thru text. Then she finishes at the end telling me some juicy stuff that would have drivin me nuts. But, I had already knew about it and never let on at work that I did because. Well, just because I don’t hit a wasp nest with a twig. But, since I was retired I kinda got nasty and told her that I knew that stuff. And, she was pleased to get me angry. There is more to the story. But that is the jest of it. Thank you for explaining these events. Yea, this video helped answer some questions in my mind. 👍
Narcissists must be ghosts. They think and act like one. They believe in many realities that are not there.
You nailed it Dr. C. Very valuable lesson. Thank you for this. It brought me to a painful place but have learned not to wallow in it. Recognize it, feel for a moment, and then let it go. ❤
100% accurate.
What puzzels me is this about secretive. When I was in the beginning of this relationship, het was very talkative about his sex-partners and how he "did" this with them. He even made a spread sheet to count them all. Is this also a way of the narc to show off? Is there something like a "sexual narcissist"? And he was talking quite a lot about his ex-es on how they were no good (that sounds like a narc to me). Anyway, I am out now for 8 months and feel very happy!
What we see as being restricted by someone that is secretive, they experience it as being free to do to anything under a secretive umbrella anything is possible even in openness (bold). For example you can be secretive because you care, but you can also be secretive because you care less. In both cases there is no certain gain nor a tell tell sign. Just because the question seems to be legit there isn't anything that makes this sensible knowledgeable. (You can't even share the communication base (simply bc you cannot know things ahead of time..), either terrible or awesome open good, it means we like to believe we communicate in such way we aren't secretive but actually who gave 100% insight? Inside your head?, mission Impossible.) These questions seem to dial into what we like to believe as confirmation Biases, so who’s secret lies beneath (Probably the mother of all DOT DOT, namely assumptions. A lot of people gain from these video's, so what is their secret after all. And if not return endlessly into it, isn't that trying to gain being secretive knowledgeable, but who’s finding it to be a weapon in the end? The only part of what is revealed is that you say potential. Nevertheless, if asked the right question these secrets wouldn't even exist. As the behaviour would be just as open and as possibly harmful (loved you?!), you can't look into the future and you can't predict the outcome. Back to square one.
Oh wow, secrecy isn't a bad thing, people think they know you inside out, but honestly if they only knew, poor suckers. When a narc pushes you so far hell watch your backs narcs. Stay safe good folk and don't let those idiots belittle you. Once you establish who they are keep a wide berth.
So good, thank you!