That is so true. I have been trying for years to talk with my Mom where she would only ignore more. I finally figured out that she was and still is a narcissist and that she will never change. I only plan on now calling her on her birthday and at Christmas. Minimum visits for here on out.
What I learned… 1. When you truly accept them for who they are, or at least are beginning to. 2. When you no longer look for their approval because you realize you won’t get that. No more over-explaining anything! 3. You no longer need to share good news because you know they will mourn your success. (They even do this to their grandkids). 4. Reducing self defeating thoughts, notice gratefulness. (example: My mom hates me but I turned out ok, with a good heart). 5. Compare yourself to yesterday’s version of yourself and TREASURE the ground you gain. 🎉 Thank you for getting me there Dr. C. ! 🎉❤️
Healing means being no longer surprised by the narcissist's low down, dirty tricks, being bored instead of shocked, staying away because you know they are good at what they do and will try something crummy (no matter how much you learn, they can pull a fast one!) having good values that you defined yourself and refer to often. It means not trying to "Show them!" because you can really mess up like that, and besides they know you are a good person or they would not have targeted you. To me, it also means not being overconfident - because anyone can get sucked in. It's inherent in human nature to be vulnerable. That said, connecting with a couple of good people is wonderful.
11:50 'When someone has to build their sense of well being by destroying the goodness in another individual' = this is a great way to explain the weirdness and insecurities of a 'narcissist'
Yes! And after being bitter and angry for over 2 years, I am determined NOT to allow them to destroy my goodness!! As Dr. C stated here, I want to turn it into resolve to become a stronger individual instead of "marinading in misery" like them.
I have eliminated all the narcissists who were in my life both family and friends. About a year ago I realised that if I could go no contact with practically everyone I knew I could quit smoking. One year no cigarettes! Peace!
I think narcissist abuse may be the root of many problems for so many people, including addiction. It becomes a coping mechanism when nothing makes sense about the narc’s maddening behavior, especially when no one else can see it. That’s why empaths are so targeted or have such a hard time - we “see” what others cannot. It is gift, but also a painful one at times.
Me too.. i believe they can cause so many issues like ADHD, Limerance, addictions, back pain and other physical pains, self sabotage.. because you feel trapped
Today, I suddenly realized I am no longer craving for love and a deep connection in an addict kind of way. I don't feel so overwhelmingly lonely anymore. And the funny thing is that I've never before been with so few people in my life. I severed ties with all my family and most of my friends. But it seems I am connecting with myself and that's the best feeling ever. I am recovering, yay! 🥰
I know I am in a recovery mode because I am being more happy with who I am. And I am not in that mental fog of the trauma bond. I feel free in my spirt and soul. I am more focus on me and not trying to serve or please him always. God is good and I thank the Lord for helping me ❤
I don't hope that they will change or understand anymore. In other words don't try to change the narcissists. making free choices based and focused on inner self. Respond and not react. I practice no contact and use the gray rock method on a regular basis. Not playing the narcissist game. Let go and let God
💯 the only thing you can control is how you react. ❤ I have never sought to change or control another person and I’ve only wished for the same in return. Happy healing to you
People need to remember- you can go months or even years without talking to these people and just one conversation reveals they’re still the same person. They don’t change. The narc will pick up right where they left off as far as gas lighting and their warped sense of reality just to name a few. And if it’s a parent, be aware, they’ll start you right down a negative path of thinking and speaking and actions. Set your boundaries and stick to them
This transformation means I don’t go back to myself. That guy no longer exists. It means I’m better, stronger, wiser now. Almost makes me want to thank the narcissist. Almost.
It took me 2 decades to recover from over 30 years with a narcissist husband. I did not know about narcissism, I just thought I could never please him.
I’m with you on this!! I 14:42 didn’t know what a narcissist was until recently, and I was married to one for 23 years!! I too, had just believed that I just needed to “be better”!! Now, I’m dealing with the same kind of behavior from my two adults sons!! I finally have seen the real picture (thank you, Dr. C), and I’m making good strides towards recovery!! It’s a slow process, and I’m constantly having to stop and think about the things I hear from them, but I’ve accepted that their issues are not mine!! I’m learning to love who I am at the age of 77!! 💕
Healthier-minded people will know the difference between respecting your silence and being sure you are okay inside. They will also take care not to cause you the unnecessary anxiety that often prompts over-explaining. Healing also helps to soothe the vacillation you mentioned, because you will feel more at peace. Keep up the good work.
I just came here to say exactly that. I have learned so much and when I wobble I tune in and listen to Dr Les, this grounds me, I write out certain helpful phrases and refer to them. I have so much inner strength and resilience, more clarity and the wisdom in these videos have saved my sanity and been my constant companion on the most difficult, if rewarding, healing journey of my life. So much gratitude and respect for Dr Les, what incredible generosity of spirit he possesses.
Yes accept where you are !! I don’t have to justify. Amen Yes his anger is aggressive which “ use to get to me””. Becoming more assertive. Yes dignity. Civility. Yes he tries to how I’m supposed to live. No more ! No more appeasing
SURVIVORS GO! STAY STRONG!! Remember from WHERE; (the nightmare) YOU are coming from!!! YOU are SOOO much better than this!!!! JOIN us SURVIVORS!!!!! Share your story when you are ready...
Allow yourself to be authentic with others and you’ll quickly realize that the way others see you will be completely different from the way narcissist in your life wants you to see yourself. It still amazes me to hear people tell me (unsolicited) that I am a strong intelligent and caring woman with a high value system. I know they’re not just trying to make me feel good, but it does feel good. It has taken some time, but I am finally able to see myself the way others see in me and no longer the way the narcissist sees me.
This such a true post that you've written. I must admit after you've many narcissist since a young age in and out of the home... you kind of get weirded out with many people saying all these positive things things they see in you and as you stated, totally unsolicited total strangers that have no connection with each other. You try and make yourself small as possible after after gaslighting from a narc but gradually it sinks in and you start to feel it internally.🌤🌞🌻
My life has been affected by two groups of people: those trying to break and destroy me, and those trying to use me up fast before I'm broken or destroyed. Double rhe work means double the recovery, and double the superpower.
I've always thought that they don't believe their own lies, but I think I was wrong with my assumption here. They believe at least to some extent that their distorted perception is indeed reality. They live in their own delusional world and it's a binary world. They are either right or the victim, nothing in between where accountability could exist.
Exactly. I went no contact with my dad for 4 years. Messed up and started talking to him again, lasted about 3 years and back no contact. There's no hope. Especially while the sociopathic witch he's married to is still alive. They can have each other. Good riddance!
@@noshame5791 I hear you, it's a hurtful situation I know it too well. We all want to have a healthy relationship with our parents. Since I've learned that they will never change, I realized I don't need their acceptance. I accept them, and now contact is so much easier I don't care if they are mean to me, it doesn't hurt me anymore, I am not mean to them and that's all I care about.
You nailed it. They believe their own lies often to the degree of being so distorted and delusional. I’ve found as I’m coming out of what feels like cult programming- I have to stay with the facts, because my nature is to love and give the benefit of the doubt. The binary world and splitting is impossible to be in relationship with- as is anyone not committed to their own integrity. “Turn the narcs contempt into self care” great way to sum it up in the video.
Recovering from a narcissist relationship means that you no longer care if they aren't ok with your boundaries or opinions. You are who you are and they are who they are. When you can be content with your decisions to just be you, regardless of what the narcissist thinks or does, then you are on the road to recovery. Embrace that!
I'm aware that im healing @ 60 yrs old bc my NARC mom is... A) starting to show her Elderly side more & more AS I REGAIN MY POWER B) MUM & SIBLING ARE HOLDING ON THE SILENT TREATMENT 😊 C) FAMILY CAN'T GET MORE OF A RESPONSE FROM ME THAN... What ever, you can repeat saying that but it still wont matter.
Narcissists have a strong desire to stay in the superior position and want you to stay beneath them. This can have many negative impacts on you but you can turn the tables: your experiences can turn into resolve recovery mode by truly knowing who you are. Characteristics of recovery: 1. True honesty about who you are allows you to lean into growth (Narcs live by a false self) 2. Seeking growth, not perfection Accepting yourself with all your + and -- and that you will never be a finished "product" (Narcs are seeking idealized versions) 3. Anchored in objectivity/facts (Narcs are guided by emotions) 4. Focus on your personal boundaries by having a strong definition of who you want to be (Narcs roll all over your boundaries) 5. Minimal need to defend/justify yourself (Narcs have a strong need to defense) 6. Anger is tempered by decency (Narcs have lots of aggressive anger) 7. Knowing how to be right (Narcs must be right in a dominating, authoritan way) 8. Being pleasing but not an appeaser (Narcs want you to serve them all the time whenever it fits them) 9. Their contempt/bitterness prompts your self care 10. Seeking wisdom for the greater good for the community (Narcs only seek data gathering to turn it against you) Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
When you finally break it of and go no contact, and you know you are done. They are out of your life, now you get them out of your head because you know thinking about them is a waste of energy. They have become a complete waste of your time and energy . You are bored now , no more in the loop. You validate yourself
The last 20 mths has been a journey back to my true self. And I am now in the best place I could have ever imagined. With absolutely no connection to the Narcissist Family Cult growth has come faster. And yes I had to do the deep dive to face me in a truthful manner. No more gasliting myself about the relationship I had for 45 yrs. with my husband. Its like someone pulled the curtain back and I saw reality for the first time.. Am still amazed that I survived all that happened. It feels good to see clearly and to be able to connect the Dots. Dr. C. I must give you great credit for all your help!! Thank you Dr.C. for being who you are and for all your wisdom. The skys are as blue in North Carolina as they can get and the sun is shining brighter every day. Recovery is wonderful and it feels so good to laugh again. ❤❤😂😂 Hugs for Guss!!!
Feel better, more secure, more confident, genuine laughter, genuine good feelings and communication without a narc around, hope, dreams, living, friendlier, better health, not confused, not held down, not insulted, demeaned, invalidated, etc.
Why didn't I recognise that my covert mother hated me? I saw that people around her treated me with contempt but she acted harmless and I thought she "misunderstood" me and kept trying to earn her acceptance by showing her "the better ways of love, forgiveness and honesty". I didn't know she was trying to destroy me on purpose, even after decades of hatred and contempt from some close relatives. It seems obvious now, but I would never have guessed.
Denial is a powerful psychological defence for the scapegoat. The scapegoat won't even consider how intentionally monstrous and diabolical the narc behaves. The scapegoat will make excuses for the narc and try to help them, which is the codependent's downfall. Radical acceptance is the start of healing (along with no contact).
In the first years of my son’s marriage to a narcissist, before I knew what’s hateful and broken person she is, I tried to see conflicts from her perspective in order to understand her and “fix” the problems. I now know there is no amount of understanding her psychopathy that will change who she is or how she behaves, reacts, and manipulates people. I can only hope that someday my son will wake up and realize she will never love him or support him. I can only hope my grandchildren will grow up to realize what she is and seek help. I pray every day that I will see my son again and have a loving relationship with him and my grandchildren.
I wish I would have taken real action 40 years ago. Without real knowledge and facts I thought love could heal all things. Unfortunately I discovered long-term stress can contribute to sickness and disease. I became disabled 15 years ago with chronic painful conditions. I have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, migraines, weight issues, major depressive disorder, sleep problems and from childhood IDD. It's important to recognize how our environments effect our health.
I am confident i am progressing and recovering. Friday, the divorce became final. It felt like a huge step backward and spent much of the weekend balling my eyes out like I hadn't done.
Crying releases much stress built up over time. Crying releases "natural heroin" to make you feel better. You have been through alot. Appreciate what crying does for you, but do not nurture the sadness. Let the sadness go and live your best life. Concentrate on that. Good luck.
Every time I have an interaction texts or calls it winds me up, still to where I'm so angry and stressed. It's like they're incapable of thinking!! Thinking about what they say, how they say it, just devoid of understanding the effects on me. It still destabilise me to the point it feels like they're my worst enemy pretending to be my closest ally. Listening to this today I realise I've reclaimed my ability to think! Their lack of thought is glaringly obvious but I no longer take their words as MY truth. I've reclaimed my own ability to think. Definitely a win. They're the one person who could always sway me, but once I pulled back the curtain have gone through the deep grief and begun reclaiming myself, it means to me that I'm finally healing. They always held me with the 'i know best'. My main mistakes in life were always down to listening to them in the first place! They're that bad if I said the sky is blue, they'd swear it was green!
At some point you need to let go of the illusion that they will somehow understand. Be who you are and if the narc can't appreciate it, that's no longer your problem to solve. Stay strong!!
You are not affected by their outbursts and rage (besides being a little annoyed maybe, but it doesn't concern you for days or weeks). You can happily say, I am not respinsible for their well-being. You are able to not feel shame or guilt when you only respond, but not react. You stand by what you know is your truth and worth and don't overthink if it is like that and if they might be right after all. You are able to only respond, not react (at least in most cases). You don't care about what smear campaigns they create and what others might think about you if they believe the lies. You are able to just let them rage, stand by your opinion and boundaries and not engage when they try to force you to go over them. Also: You learned to be a "broken record" when it comes to your boundaries, meaning you repeat the same thing in the same wording when they do it (just like a record that got stuck in the middlw of a song). You, besides having to deal with them when absolutely necessary, lead a healthy and happy life and don't let it destroy it by their interference or bad mood. Their problems are theirs, not yours and you can rightfully stay away.
Precisely! 🎯 The rage was a very tough one for me. They are scary when they rage, but I am getting better at not feeling afraid and destabilized. It takes practice. ❤️
@@tbunnyshy1Oh yeah, the rage for me is also the very scary one! I am getting better with it as well by turning my back and just going away to get my peace 😉🕊
😢😓 The smear campaign to our Pastor's wife (we attend the same church). Being raised by 2 troubled souls, I ended up being very shy, so thankful the Lord saved me! Widowed elderly mom is a Covert Narcissist & a people-person. She is holding on to a grudge that we didn't take her on our yearly flight to see our only grandbabies. Just to appease her (& silence her smear campaign) I'm considering another trip if her health issues don't reappear again. Can't imagine all the passive- aggressive "joking" (aimed at me) & embarrassing moments visiting with new in-laws. Not to mention the extra cost (she bowed out of 2 previous trips). Trying to go Low Contact, but how do you do that with an 85 year old mother??
Maybe it's just an impression, but at the end of this episode I was thinking that you don't read these points, you understand them because you are simply a mature person. I wish there were more such valuable people and content on the Internet for balance
Thank you, Dr. Carter. I've come a long way since I started my journey of recovery from narcissistic abuse. In the past, when my narcissistic son would melt down and call me nasty names, I would get angry and tell him how dare you speak to me that way, I am your mom. Now I just don't respond and just distance myself it. I simply do not engage with that conversation because you cannot reason with the infantile mindset. I accept him for who he is and walked away. I learned that I cannot change the narcissist but I can change. I have learned and I have grown. I'm still learning.
"I cannot change the narcissist but I can change" How I wish I could have had access to Dr. Carter back in the 80s! It took until mid-1991 before I even started to get along with my Dad better... and this line described exactly the moment things started to turn around.
@henrykujawa4427 That's right. I have learned to just let it go. They do what they do and the best thing that I do is just walk out or grey rock them. I say whatever or ok.
I have a son who is married to a narcissist. I didn’t know what egregious wrong I did to cause my son’s wife to HATE me. She told me 10 years ago I would not have a relationship with my grandchildren and she has made good on that promise. They are now 14 and 11 years old. I now know that she is deathly afraid that my son could potentially be influenced to learn he married a narcissist and then leave her. She has him so twisted he has removed himself from my whole family. We are good people and she can’t have that influence in his life. Understanding her narcissism doesn’t make it easier for me to live with. I have no contact with my son or grandchildren. Except for him to flip me off, or call me names whenever he sees me. He’s 44 years old. Sometimes I lose hope that I will ever have a relationship with my son and grandchildren. If I ever do get a relationship with them again, will they be suffering from PTSD?
@terimartinetti-zc5oi Unfortunately, your situation is not uncommon as I am in the same boat as you. Being that you say that he has called you inappropriate names suggests that he, too, could be a narcissist. That is something that I highly recommend for you to work out with a therapist trained in the area of cluster B personality disorders. It's hard to say whether or not your grandchildren will want a relationship with you when they grow older. Only time will tell. You have to keep in mind that these children are being raised by a narcissist, and there's a good chance that they themselves will also become narcissists. You can not change the narcissist, nor can you have a meaningful relationship with these people. The bottom line is that being in a relationship with a narcissist is hard, and going no contact is hard. Why not choose the option that will enable you to heal? Best of luck to you.
You get bored when you encounter the old tricks, you no longer are confused and feel not being understood or constantly misunderstood and accused of being the one with bad intentions. You start feeling like you are surfing on whatever he throws at you, instead of getting hit. Moreover, you see that they are going nowhere when you defend yourself calmly, as you thought they would. They are going nowhere, as they threatened you for all those years. They are clever, and they just try to find a new way to attack you or something to accuse you of, so that they get the upper hand next time. But they wont get the upper hand, because they can do it only if you believe in them being a decent person.
I knew I was recovering when the "ear worm" (as you called it in one of your video's, Dr. C) stopped playing in my mind, and I stopped "hearing" her bitter, sneering demonic voice calling me names, hurling false accusations at me. But it's been like the ringing of a bell. You pull a rope on a bell and at first it dings back and forth, but then it finally slows down and then stops altogether. It's been years of recovery for me, but getting back to my old self feels great.
I see that you posted this about 5 hours ago and already you have 1K thumbs up. It's sad that there are so many people who have narcissists in their lives. I'm happy that these videos are helping so many people, me included.
Yes compassion of who I am. Yes. Their contempt bitterness. Yes. Healthy love for self. Wisdom. Oh yes he likes me to react. Yes. Get you going. Yes. I know who I am. It’s not based on him. Not going to try to reform him. Being real who I am. Thank you for helping me.
When I was little, I was taught that your elders were always right. Even when they were wrong, they were right. And they all knew better than me. Growing up and also when I was married, I always felt as though I was constantly being judged and ridiculed. I'm hoping that with this growing, but not perfect, calm confidence is helping change my own self judgement. I'm working on myself so that I can be a better non judgemental, calm, and confident individual for my adult lads who have their own issues. I take on board everything that is said in this video and am very grateful for the knowledge, wisdom, and support of Dr.C. and Team Healthy ❤️ 🙏 and a big belly rub for Gus 🐕
Dear Amanda, I hear you. Always being jugded by your parents for not being able to be right because they were the grown up and let you constantly know that they were superior to you can have such an negative impact on you - never feeling good enough and therefore you develop an inner self jugdement, which keeps you down and this will be unconsiously recognized by others as well, like your ex, your children, so that the cycle goes on unfortunately unless you start working on yourself like you do to find out who you are and what really matters and belongs to you. I am always telling myself to comfort me, "What does not truly belong to me, will leave anyway." I think the self judgement is one of the biggest issues that can hold you stuck in developing into growth because it keeps you in your own prison. It became such a core belief to yourself. Unfortunately my daughter also internalized that belief into herself although I am not a parent that is always right and I do apologize when I did a mistake. Luckily we are both working on ourselves (specially she on her anger issues and I on my boundaries) and we do not give up talking to each other. Like you I am also very grateful for this knowledge, wisdom and support of this channel to develop some healthy growth. Wishing you all the best and sending you big hugs 💗🤗🍀🕊
Thank you! It’s good to know I’m on the right track. I’m an empath that has been surrounded all her life by them from birth. I became enlightened about them at 63 years old. I turn 66 this year and feel good. It’s all about boundaries and realizing you’ve tried your best with them and moving on with your life.
Well, I am 71, so we're both proof that there is good to have even with a life of too many narcs. Best to you in continued growth, healing and fulfillment of who _you_ are. 🦋🌹💕
I don't think I will ever recover 100% from the abuse my narcissistic Ex bestowed upon me but what I have learned is that everything good he does for others has to useful to himself; Narcissists hate confrontation and tend walk away or get angry when challenged.
I think this is what drives the narcissist to behave the way they do! When they realize that you're strong in your convictions, and that you (flat out) refuse to give up your priorities and bend toward their will, they have to do something to break you. They can't handle it otherwise! This was the whole problem between me and my narc. She decided how I was going to live my life and would accept no deviation from her plan. But I learned something from the experience: when you put your life on the line, and stray from the path you're destined to follow, you end up with nothing but regrets, and a life you long to change, but there's no time left to change it. This is something that I preach to my son, so that hopefully if he comes up on a narc, he won't go down the drain like I did. Be blessed❤.
Healing can show up... ...from feeling stuck to feeling empowered to move out of a situation, whether it be a job situation, a friendship or romantic relationship, or a negative mindset. ...from feeling anxious and tense to feeling relaxed, grounded and centered ...from feeling drained and tired to feeling energetic and refreshed ...from feeling uninspired and creatively blocked to feeling inspired and full of ideas
I tick all these boxes now. I am certainly still recovering and need to check in with myself on a daily basis, but the milestones after a few years of honest and often confronting self work does pay off.
It is so sad to realize in my early forties that I am married to someone with narcistic traits, where for the last 7 years I naively thought we were going through a rough patch.. It is sad because I now understand this person I am married to will never heal.
You’re only in your forties and it’s only seven years. Fear not you have lots of life left to live. I’m narc free after 29 years of BS and life has never been so sweet ❤
I'll never forget the freedom I felt when I finally told my husband that I wouldn't be spending anymore holidays with his toxic family. Spending time with them was just too much emotionally for me and I don't feel bad about it. I am also happy for them if something good happens to them and I do pray for them, but I am much better without their influence in my life. I never realize how much time and energy they sucked from our family until we distanced ourselves. One particular person tries to keep the family glued together and doesn't seem to be able to accept the fact that the rest of them have moved forward. Family isn't always everything and you don't have to stay in toxic familial relationships, but certain people still think this is true.
I love these videos it truly helps me keep track of my growth and to stand with dignity against the narcissist. I’m not perfect nor do I want to be. But I’m grateful for this wonderful community. Thank you to all 😊
Thank you, Dr. Carter. I am learning so much because of your videos. I had an accomplishment this weekend when my narcissist had one of his angry verbal attacks in a almost hour car ride (the whole time) I did not engage this time. I stayed silent the whole time. I’m learning. Before I would try to accomplish this but he would always know how to get me to respond. Well, this time I didn’t. Of course to him if I say anything I’m wrong, if I don’t I’m wrong. But to me it was a big step forward.
One important thing I learned in alanon pass or play! It saved my life ! You can say to yourself, the same with a narcissist, no arguments, your not response able for them anymore! Save yourself! Believe in yourself and with Dr C be happy!🥰🥰🥰
this video made me really happy to watch because I realized that I am progressing well on recovering from a narcissist parent! It encouraged me to keep working on it, I want to continue to recover more.
This will be interesting. For me, part of knowing I was over the ex narc was the realization that I no longer cared about his infidelities. Those women could have him. Be prepared ladies for long phone conversations whereby he'll talk about nothing but himself in the best light for hours. He has marathon days of these conversations. I just chuckle now to myself.
I feel more mature, grounded and calm since I have gotten help from you. I've had to change since the narcissist inmy life won't. Life still remains uneasy when I have to see this person, but at least I know who I am dealing with, and it has made life more understandable and I feel a sense of freedom and grace. I have a deeper love for God even with the challenges. I look to him and not this broken world. Eileen
There's a lot to unpack here. Thank you! I find that self doubt (both innate & imposed,) is the most difficult to overcome. Working from the authentic self & accepting what's imperfectly perfect, gets you there. Authenticity is unshakeable & like truth, needs no defending.
I realised I was in a new phase when the narcissists in my life threw more garbage my way, and my thought was not how can I get back control of the situation? But how can I change what I need to change in me to get past this new monkey wrench that was thrown at me with my sanity and dignity still in place. It was a great day.
How I know. I’m sleeping better some, I carved out the time. My spirit is looking for opportunities to bless someone. I’m planning dental appointments. Maybe my appetite will recover. The fact is I’m willing to try again, to thrive despite the narc contempt, and my CPTSD. I’m also planning on further life affirming activities. Thank you for your work Dr Les. God bless you.
Once, we went to a family councilling session and I tried( via email because it was suffocating to explain to the therapist what my issues were) and she shut me down and said , your husband is extremely intelligent. She said more ,but I am sure I am going to get a comment sooner or later to say it was my interpretation. I was thrown back by it. I still have the email ! having said that I took a lot of her advice on board about stepping back and not being in the drama triangle and it has helped, but I did feel she lacked knowledge in Narc behaviour.
They are perfect strategists, I think the only thing what they do is reading books how to control others towards their favour. They also join individuals who are in the same crowd, so they feel stronger, they have no remorse, they are like robots with a big smile on, 24 hours a day
Thank you for this - I am recovering from a narcissistic marriage - and I struggle with my own agency. I am lovingly working on this and am noticing it’s helping me feel stronger boundaries as a result. Thank you 🙏🏻
Such a helpful video. They keep poking to get a reaction. Age has nothing to do with this either. Some of the worst ones we have had to deal with are 60+. Gus gets the value of peace and he is a dog. Higher IQ than a narc.
For the longest time ive been motivated by others approval, thankfulness, appreciation and acknowledgement etc. Of my behavior in ttheir presence. When ive received undesireable responses i questioned my self. A people pleaser kinda. Now, with guidance from many and Dr. Carter As my foundation for growth, i find it more rewarding to love self. Forgive self, and be ok with self regardless of others' acquiescence of my presence. Thanks for ev. Doc.
This is so reassuring- thanks. I have had intense therapy in the past year, and the effects- while I am still a work in process, the results have been life changing. My narc mother seems to even more angry than usual because she can't make me so angry these days- and that infuriates her. She ends up having a one sided argument while I maintain my calm.
This was another good video. “This is me, This is who I am and I know that much good is going to come from me as I live in my authentic self” I need to repeat this with enthusiasm because I got used to believe in the push down.
My god. I had been doubting the validity of my judgement about my ex being narcissistic during our relationship, but the things you've said while explaining the various signs of recovery, especially the inappropriate, toxic anger that was thrown at me and how i was told i was "disgusting" whenever i disagreed with her or offered a different point of view about something which did not even have anything to do with the relationship itself, convinces me that my assessment is not far off at all. I was on the verge of dating someone new recently and even they displayed similar traits and alarm bells sounded in my brain immediately, and i got out as quickly as i could, and i was wondering if my instincts were wrong, but now i don't feel guilty about it
At some point I realized how valid my thinking was. This was unlike what the narcissist forced on me. It is really shocking to learn I was tormented for being a healthy person. At another point along the way I saw the narcissists for who they really were and how needy and sick their world really is. They are mentally 4 years and have no strength or substance. That is really a pitiful way to be.
@@AnnmarieKeim-vw7lli feel what you're saying. Initially, i was told that my kindness was what was attractive and after a point, when they said they weren't sure and kept doing a push-pull strategy to keep me attached and while i continued to be kind and didn't lash out, I was told that my being kind to them was making them angrier and they wished I would be toxic and aggressive to them. And I believed I was wrong to judge their behaviour as problematic and toxic because I know they've had a very abusive childhood and do live with a toxic family, but I've realised it's no excuse to be treat someone else in a hurtful manner. You're absolutely right, it really is toddler-like behaviour
That’s the word my narc ex friend always used. Every time. She even said that “ foreplay is disgusting”. 😮 She liked to go thru men really fast, too. Used and dumped them for shallow reasons.
I think it is very hard to fully and immediately recover from a life-long abuse that is made primarily by immediate insiders to your life. Nevertheless finally recovery and confidence are happening gradually. Thank you very mach for the indicators. God Bless!
I really wanted to be with him and his children i actually really loved him but realized he didn't feel the same by his cation thats to much to take on knowing he not showing me the same kive and effort, single is Beautiful ❤
He made me feel in prison for 18 years with physical abuse etc.. it's like the door was open all along but I wasn't able to leave due to fear. Its been 5 months and I have lost so much, but I found the high we version of myself.. and I can truly say I have confidence now ❤
He must be pretty good at what he does. So far, he's the only one who managed to offend my brother. My brother's malignant about his narcissism. I've seen him be able to look at someone in true pain and walk away from the person with no reaction on his face. Yet he's still offended by something Dr. C. said 8 months ago. If my brother can be that cold & cruel to others, how the world can he turn into a Karen about himself?!
I’ve just realised that I’m recovering from my two narcs, when I thought about certain things that happened with them this weekend, I realised that I wasn’t crying. ( that’s a MAJOR step forward for me!!) 😊 at last I’m being the best person I can be, with help and Dr C’s advice. Thanks so much!😊😉
Wow!! This video is SO encouraging and affirming that I'm on the right path! Oddly enough, as I've chosen to focus on my own healing, others around me are doing the same. This domino effect is wonderful to both experience and watch! Thank you Dr C!
Real recovery is when you just don't care what they say or do, instead
you care about what you say or do. You care about what you care about.
You get it!
Well said!
I have been on a self-care kick and am feeling better. I have my "support system"!
It's Radical Acceptance.
DO YOU!
You can't fix someone who doesn't think they need fixing, but you can ruin your life trying.
That is so true. I have been trying for years to talk with my Mom where she would only ignore more. I finally figured out that she was and still is a narcissist and that she will never change. I only plan on now calling her on her birthday and at Christmas. Minimum visits for here on out.
And we have done exactly that.
underrated comment
Healing is when you would rather ignore than engage.
Well - stated
I am my own person, I do not need the narcissist's approval or permission.
What I learned…
1. When you truly accept them for who they are, or at least are beginning to.
2. When you no longer look for their approval because you realize you won’t get that. No more over-explaining anything!
3. You no longer need to share good news because you know they will mourn your success. (They even do this to their grandkids).
4. Reducing self defeating thoughts, notice gratefulness. (example: My mom hates me but I turned out ok, with a good heart).
5. Compare yourself to yesterday’s version of yourself and TREASURE the ground you gain. 🎉
Thank you for getting me there Dr. C. ! 🎉❤️
You are quite welcome!!
From France, I bow to your so methodical approach to help us fly away from their evil supremacy ...and enjoy OUR life. Many thanks really
🙏❤️
How did u do that with his healing courses?
Thank you
Healing means being no longer surprised by the narcissist's low down, dirty tricks, being bored instead of shocked, staying away because you know they are good at what they do and will try something crummy (no matter how much you learn, they can pull a fast one!) having good values that you defined yourself and refer to often. It means not trying to "Show them!" because you can really mess up like that, and besides they know you are a good person or they would not have targeted you. To me, it also means not being overconfident - because anyone can get sucked in. It's inherent in human nature to be vulnerable. That said, connecting with a couple of good people is wonderful.
Exactly 🎯
I dote on your comment and your personal input towards the end is so inspiring. Warm greetings from France under heatwave 🔥
🙏❤️
@@laurence.MusicAndSights Thank you! Warm greetings from Texas as well.
@@amandaliverpool3374 Hi Amanda! I re-subscribed because I figure I still have alit to learn. Nice to see you!
11:50 'When someone has to build their sense of well being by destroying the goodness in another individual' = this is a great way to explain the weirdness
and insecurities of a 'narcissist'
One upmanship is the game… just conmen
Yes! And after being bitter and angry for over 2 years, I am determined NOT to allow them to destroy my goodness!! As Dr. C stated here, I want to turn it into resolve to become a stronger individual instead of "marinading in misery" like them.
My mother.
That reminds me of that Meghan markle women
I have eliminated all the narcissists who were in my life both family and friends. About a year ago I realised that if I could go no contact with practically everyone I knew I could quit smoking. One year no cigarettes!
Peace!
You're finding your inner resolve!!
I think narcissist abuse may be the root of many problems for so many people, including addiction. It becomes a coping mechanism when nothing makes sense about the narc’s maddening behavior, especially when no one else can see it. That’s why empaths are so targeted or have such a hard time - we “see” what others cannot. It is gift, but also a painful one at times.
Me too.. i believe they can cause so many issues like ADHD, Limerance, addictions, back pain and other physical pains, self sabotage.. because you feel trapped
👍🏾💥💯🔥
Congrats 👏 that's a hard! Hard! Habit to break I vape and no way am I giving that up yet
Today, I suddenly realized I am no longer craving for love and a deep connection in an addict kind of way. I don't feel so overwhelmingly lonely anymore. And the funny thing is that I've never before been with so few people in my life. I severed ties with all my family and most of my friends. But it seems I am connecting with myself and that's the best feeling ever. I am recovering, yay! 🥰
What a wonderful realization, Carmen! Thanks for sharing your personal, honest story 🙏💛🙏
I know I am in a recovery mode because I am being more happy with who I am.
And I am not in that mental fog of the trauma bond.
I feel free in my spirt and soul.
I am more focus on me and not trying to serve or please him always.
God is good and I thank the Lord for helping me ❤
Pleased for you!
oh yes that mind fog...
I don't hope that they will change or understand anymore. In other words don't try to change the narcissists. making free choices based and focused on inner self. Respond and not react. I practice no contact and use the gray rock method on a regular basis. Not playing the narcissist game. Let go and let God
That is true healing ❤️🙏
💯 the only thing you can control is how you react. ❤ I have never sought to change or control another person and I’ve only wished for the same in return. Happy healing to you
Well said 👏
All of this!
@@tbunnyshy1Indeed this is true healing 🙏💛🙏
‘I’m not going to waste my psychological energy trying to reform someone who’s so openly misguided’ 🙌 BRILLIANT
People need to remember- you can go months or even years without talking to these people and just one conversation reveals they’re still the same person. They don’t change. The narc will pick up right where they left off as far as gas lighting and their warped sense of reality just to name a few. And if it’s a parent, be aware, they’ll start you right down a negative path of thinking and speaking and actions. Set your boundaries and stick to them
So true! I hadn’t seen my narc sister in four years until a wedding this weekend. She has not changed an iota.
@@susan3037they don’t change. My mom is the same way.
@@LD-Howeyes exactly. I’ve learned they really dig in with age. It’s sad
A good buddy to help you stay on track is golden. Like a 12-step sponsor ❤️
It's like their character arc is flatter than kansas
I feel sorry for anyone suffering and struggling, keep growing good folk
Healing is the process of returning to ourselves...
...where our mind, body, and soul are aligned.
It’s an ongoing transformation.
So true!!
This transformation means I don’t go back to myself. That guy no longer exists. It means I’m better, stronger, wiser now. Almost makes me want to thank the narcissist. Almost.
I think this is so beautifully said.
@@JackieFerrell-f6o Thank you, Jackie 🙏
She couldn’t kill my resolve. I think that angered her more than anything else.
Its certainly mind boggling dealing with a narcissist, but once you understand , get out, stay out.
Gus hasn’t encountered a narcissist yet… he’s the living embodiment of life without narcissistic abuse 😉 easy, simple & peaceful!
Gus has a good dad!
Gus and cats!
🐕
It took me 2 decades to recover from over 30 years with a narcissist husband. I did not know about narcissism, I just thought I could never please him.
I’m with you on this!! I 14:42 didn’t know what a narcissist was until recently, and I was married to one for 23 years!! I too, had just believed that I just needed to “be better”!! Now, I’m dealing with the same kind of behavior from my two adults sons!! I finally have seen the real picture (thank you, Dr. C), and I’m making good strides towards recovery!! It’s a slow process, and I’m constantly having to stop and think about the things I hear from them, but I’ve accepted that their issues are not mine!! I’m learning to love who I am at the age of 77!! 💕
Same here. I was always trying to change me so that I could make him happy. It took almost 30 years to see I was coming at it all wrong.
@carolsummers8734 over 30 years for me too. He nearly lost his mind while going through the divorce. He didn't think I would follow through.
Same!
At 20 and struggling badly.
I often vacillate between silence and over-explaining.
Over-explaining is a big one 🎯
@@tbunnyshy1 Yes. A huge mistake when still in contact with a narcissist, a telltale “limp” after an escape from one.
Healthier-minded people will know the difference between respecting your silence and being sure you are okay inside. They will also take care not to cause you the unnecessary anxiety that often prompts over-explaining. Healing also helps to soothe the vacillation you mentioned, because you will feel more at peace. Keep up the good work.
I love that you focus on recovery and not only injury. I want to be grounded in facts
Eventually, the person just stops caring. It’s amazing.
Dr. C is the gift that keeps on giving! His messages are a big part of my healing journey. Forever indebted to him 💖
So pleased!
Same here.
Me too!!!!! Powerful gracious man!!!❤❤❤
So very very true❤
I just came here to say exactly that. I have learned so much and when I wobble I tune in and listen to Dr Les, this grounds me, I write out certain helpful phrases and refer to them. I have so much inner strength and resilience, more clarity and the wisdom in these videos have saved my sanity and been my constant companion on the most difficult, if rewarding, healing journey of my life. So much gratitude and respect for Dr Les, what incredible generosity of spirit he possesses.
Yes accept where you are !! I don’t have to justify. Amen Yes his anger is aggressive which “ use to get to me””. Becoming more assertive. Yes dignity. Civility. Yes he tries to how I’m supposed to live. No more ! No more appeasing
SURVIVORS GO! STAY STRONG!! Remember from WHERE; (the nightmare) YOU are coming from!!! YOU are SOOO much better than this!!!! JOIN us SURVIVORS!!!!! Share your story when you are ready...
👍
Allow yourself to be authentic with others and you’ll quickly realize that the way others see you will be completely different from the way narcissist in your life wants you to see yourself. It still amazes me to hear people tell me (unsolicited) that I am a strong intelligent and caring woman with a high value system. I know they’re not just trying to make me feel good, but it does feel good. It has taken some time, but I am finally able to see myself the way others see in me and no longer the way the narcissist sees me.
Isn't that amazing? And we were there all along just lacking people healthy enough to see it. 😂❤🎉
This such a true post that you've written. I must admit after you've many narcissist since a young age in and out of the home... you kind of get weirded out with many people saying all these positive things things they see in you and as you stated, totally unsolicited total strangers that have no connection with each other. You try and make yourself small as possible after after gaslighting from a narc but gradually it sinks in and you start to feel it internally.🌤🌞🌻
My life has been affected by two groups of people: those trying to break and destroy me, and those trying to use me up fast before I'm broken or destroyed. Double rhe work means double the recovery, and double the superpower.
I've always thought that they don't believe their own lies, but I think I was wrong with my assumption here. They believe at least to some extent that their distorted perception is indeed reality. They live in their own delusional world and it's a binary world. They are either right or the victim, nothing in between where accountability could exist.
Exactly. I went no contact with my dad for 4 years. Messed up and started talking to him again, lasted about 3 years and back no contact. There's no hope. Especially while the sociopathic witch he's married to is still alive. They can have each other. Good riddance!
@@noshame5791 I hear you, it's a hurtful situation I know it too well. We all want to have a healthy relationship with our parents.
Since I've learned that they will never change, I realized I don't need their acceptance. I accept them, and now contact is so much easier
I don't care if they are mean to me, it doesn't hurt me anymore, I am not mean to them and that's all I care about.
You nailed it. They believe their own lies often to the degree of being so distorted and delusional. I’ve found as I’m coming out of what feels like cult programming- I have to stay with the facts, because my nature is to love and give the benefit of the doubt.
The binary world and splitting is impossible to be in relationship with- as is anyone not committed to their own integrity.
“Turn the narcs contempt into self care” great way to sum it up in the video.
Recovering from a narcissist relationship means that you no longer care if they aren't ok with your boundaries or opinions. You are who you are and they are who they are. When you can be content with your decisions to just be you, regardless of what the narcissist thinks or does, then you are on the road to recovery. Embrace that!
When you scared for the next person, realized you saying to yourself not me no more validation ❤
I'm aware that im healing @ 60 yrs old bc my NARC mom is...
A) starting to show her Elderly side more & more AS I REGAIN MY POWER
B) MUM & SIBLING ARE HOLDING ON THE SILENT TREATMENT 😊
C) FAMILY CAN'T GET MORE OF A RESPONSE FROM ME THAN... What ever, you can repeat saying that but it still wont matter.
I went no contact; necessary start, stil 'mentally' going 'no contact: Everyday month feeling a little better. Thank Dr C. Greetz from the Netherlands
Having a grandiose narcissist mother is God's way of encouragement to succeed against all odds. If I can do it, you can, too.
Narcissists have a strong desire to stay in the superior position and want you to stay beneath them. This can have many negative impacts on you but you can turn the tables: your experiences can turn into resolve recovery mode by truly knowing who you are.
Characteristics of recovery:
1. True honesty about who you are
allows you to lean into growth
(Narcs live by a false self)
2. Seeking growth, not perfection
Accepting yourself with all your
+ and -- and that you will never
be a finished "product"
(Narcs are seeking idealized versions)
3. Anchored in objectivity/facts
(Narcs are guided by emotions)
4. Focus on your personal boundaries by having a strong definition of who you want to be
(Narcs roll all over your boundaries)
5. Minimal need to defend/justify yourself
(Narcs have a strong need to defense)
6. Anger is tempered by decency
(Narcs have lots of aggressive anger)
7. Knowing how to be right
(Narcs must be right in a dominating, authoritan way)
8. Being pleasing but not an appeaser
(Narcs want you to serve them all the time whenever it fits them)
9. Their contempt/bitterness prompts your self care
10. Seeking wisdom for the greater good for the community
(Narcs only seek data gathering to turn it against you)
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
I may be recovering but the grief may be forever. All I did was show up in my life
Seeking growth without perfection, Dr C! ✔️
We live to love,We love to live!
That is the most wonderful sentiment I've heard all week. Thank you.
Yes…I love my life! ❤🎉😂
I am in active recovery mode and I want to thank YOU for all of your help and wisdom.
You are so welcome. I'm honored.
They see you as a nobody then you see them as a nobody.
When you finally break it of and go no contact, and you know you are done.
They are out of your life, now you get them out of your head because you know thinking about them is a waste of energy.
They have become a complete waste of your time and energy .
You are bored now , no more in the loop.
You validate yourself
No one has been a better guide directing me to define my life path as one of dignity, respect, & civility as Dr. C. Grateful ❤
So pleased.
The last 20 mths has been a journey back to my true self. And I am now in the best place I could have ever imagined. With absolutely no connection to the Narcissist Family Cult growth has come faster. And yes I had to do the deep dive to face me in a truthful manner. No more gasliting myself about the relationship I had for 45 yrs. with my husband. Its like someone pulled the curtain back and I saw reality for the first time.. Am still amazed that I survived all that happened. It feels good to see clearly and to be able to connect the Dots. Dr. C. I must give you great credit for all your help!!
Thank you Dr.C. for being who you are and for all your wisdom. The skys are as blue in North Carolina as they can get and the sun is shining brighter every day. Recovery is wonderful and it feels so good to laugh again. ❤❤😂😂 Hugs for Guss!!!
Feel better, more secure, more confident, genuine laughter, genuine good feelings and communication without a narc around, hope, dreams, living, friendlier, better health, not confused, not held down, not insulted, demeaned, invalidated, etc.
Well said 👏👏👏
Why didn't I recognise that my covert mother hated me?
I saw that people around her treated me with contempt but she acted harmless and I thought she "misunderstood" me and kept trying to earn her acceptance by showing her "the better ways of love, forgiveness and honesty".
I didn't know she was trying to destroy me on purpose, even after decades of hatred and contempt from some close relatives.
It seems obvious now, but I would never have guessed.
Denial is a powerful psychological defence for the scapegoat. The scapegoat won't even consider how intentionally monstrous and diabolical the narc behaves. The scapegoat will make excuses for the narc and try to help them, which is the codependent's downfall. Radical acceptance is the start of healing (along with no contact).
@@kingbee9778 thank you for your answer. Makes sense.
In the first years of my son’s marriage to a narcissist, before I knew what’s hateful and broken person she is, I tried to see conflicts from her perspective in order to understand her and “fix” the problems. I now know there is no amount of understanding her psychopathy that will change who she is or how she behaves, reacts, and manipulates people. I can only hope that someday my son will wake up and realize she will never love him or support him. I can only hope my grandchildren will grow up to realize what she is and seek help. I pray every day that I will see my son again and have a loving relationship with him and my grandchildren.
I wish I would have taken real action 40 years ago. Without real knowledge and facts I thought love could heal all things. Unfortunately I discovered long-term stress can contribute to sickness and disease. I became disabled 15 years ago with chronic painful conditions. I have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, migraines, weight issues, major depressive disorder, sleep problems and from childhood IDD. It's important to recognize how our environments effect our health.
I am confident i am progressing and recovering. Friday, the divorce became final. It felt like a huge step backward and spent much of the weekend balling my eyes out like I hadn't done.
Crying releases much stress built up over time. Crying releases "natural heroin" to make you feel better. You have been through alot. Appreciate what crying does for you, but do not nurture the sadness. Let the sadness go and live your best life. Concentrate on that. Good luck.
Every time I have an interaction texts or calls it winds me up, still to where I'm so angry and stressed. It's like they're incapable of thinking!! Thinking about what they say, how they say it, just devoid of understanding the effects on me. It still destabilise me to the point it feels like they're my worst enemy pretending to be my closest ally. Listening to this today I realise I've reclaimed my ability to think! Their lack of thought is glaringly obvious but I no longer take their words as MY truth. I've reclaimed my own ability to think. Definitely a win. They're the one person who could always sway me, but once I pulled back the curtain have gone through the deep grief and begun reclaiming myself, it means to me that I'm finally healing. They always held me with the 'i know best'. My main mistakes in life were always down to listening to them in the first place! They're that bad if I said the sky is blue, they'd swear it was green!
At some point you need to let go of the illusion that they will somehow understand. Be who you are and if the narc can't appreciate it, that's no longer your problem to solve. Stay strong!!
💯
You are not affected by their outbursts and rage (besides being a little annoyed maybe, but it doesn't concern you for days or weeks).
You can happily say, I am not respinsible for their well-being.
You are able to not feel shame or guilt when you only respond, but not react.
You stand by what you know is your truth and worth and don't overthink if it is like that and if they might be right after all.
You are able to only respond, not react (at least in most cases).
You don't care about what smear campaigns they create and what others might think about you if they believe the lies.
You are able to just let them rage, stand by your opinion and boundaries and not engage when they try to force you to go over them. Also: You learned to be a "broken record" when it comes to your boundaries, meaning you repeat the same thing in the same wording when they do it (just like a record that got stuck in the middlw of a song).
You, besides having to deal with them when absolutely necessary, lead a healthy and happy life and don't let it destroy it by their interference or bad mood. Their problems are theirs, not yours and you can rightfully stay away.
Precisely! 🎯 The rage was a very tough one for me. They are scary when they rage, but I am getting better at not feeling afraid and destabilized. It takes practice. ❤️
@@tbunnyshy1Oh yeah, the rage for me is also the very scary one! I am getting better with it as well by turning my back and just going away to get my peace 😉🕊
Great comment!!!❤❤❤
I figured out I have complete peace when alone.
😢😓 The smear campaign to our Pastor's wife (we attend the same church).
Being raised by 2 troubled souls, I ended up being very shy, so thankful the Lord saved me!
Widowed elderly mom is a Covert Narcissist & a people-person. She is holding on to a grudge that we didn't take her on our yearly flight to see our only grandbabies.
Just to appease her (& silence her smear campaign) I'm considering another trip if her health issues don't reappear again. Can't imagine all the passive- aggressive "joking" (aimed at me) & embarrassing moments visiting with new in-laws. Not to mention the extra cost (she bowed out of 2 previous trips).
Trying to go Low Contact, but how do you do that with an 85 year old mother??
Maybe it's just an impression, but at the end of this episode I was thinking that you don't read these points, you understand them because you are simply a mature person. I wish there were more such valuable people and content on the Internet for balance
Real Recovery is when you no longer feel like a helpless victim to the Narc's abuse.
Thank you, Dr. Carter. I've come a long way since I started my journey of recovery from narcissistic abuse. In the past, when my narcissistic son would melt down and call me nasty names, I would get angry and tell him how dare you speak to me that way, I am your mom. Now I just don't respond and just distance myself it. I simply do not engage with that conversation because you cannot reason with the infantile mindset. I accept him for who he is and walked away. I learned that I cannot change the narcissist but I can change. I have learned and I have grown. I'm still learning.
"I cannot change the narcissist but I can change"
How I wish I could have had access to Dr. Carter back in the 80s! It took until mid-1991 before I even started to get along with my Dad better... and this line described exactly the moment things started to turn around.
@henrykujawa4427 That's right. I have learned to just let it go. They do what they do and the best thing that I do is just walk out or grey rock them. I say whatever or ok.
I have a son who is married to a narcissist. I didn’t know what egregious wrong I did to cause my son’s wife to HATE me. She told me 10 years ago I would not have a relationship with my grandchildren and she has made good on that promise. They are now 14 and 11 years old.
I now know that she is deathly afraid that my son could potentially be influenced to learn he married a narcissist and then leave her. She has him so twisted he has removed himself from my whole family. We are good people and she can’t have that influence in his life.
Understanding her narcissism doesn’t make it easier for me to live with. I have no contact with my son or grandchildren. Except for him to flip me off, or call me names whenever he sees me. He’s 44 years old. Sometimes I lose hope that I will ever have a relationship with my son and grandchildren. If I ever do get a relationship with them again, will they be suffering from PTSD?
@terimartinetti-zc5oi Unfortunately, your situation is not uncommon as I am in the same boat as you. Being that you say that he has called you inappropriate names suggests that he, too, could be a narcissist. That is something that I highly recommend for you to work out with a therapist trained in the area of cluster B personality disorders. It's hard to say whether or not your grandchildren will want a relationship with you when they grow older. Only time will tell. You have to keep in mind that these children are being raised by a narcissist, and there's a good chance that they themselves will also become narcissists.
You can not change the narcissist, nor can you have a meaningful relationship with these people. The bottom line is that being in a relationship with a narcissist is hard, and going no contact is hard. Why not choose the option that will enable you to heal?
Best of luck to you.
You get bored when you encounter the old tricks, you no longer are confused and feel not being understood or constantly misunderstood and accused of being the one with bad intentions. You start feeling like you are surfing on whatever he throws at you, instead of getting hit. Moreover, you see that they are going nowhere when you defend yourself calmly, as you thought they would. They are going nowhere, as they threatened you for all those years. They are clever, and they just try to find a new way to attack you or something to accuse you of, so that they get the upper hand next time. But they wont get the upper hand, because they can do it only if you believe in them being a decent person.
I knew I was recovering when the "ear worm" (as you called it in one of your video's, Dr. C) stopped playing in my mind, and I stopped "hearing" her bitter, sneering demonic voice calling me names, hurling false accusations at me. But it's been like the ringing of a bell. You pull a rope on a bell and at first it dings back and forth, but then it finally slows down and then stops altogether. It's been years of recovery for me, but getting back to my old self feels great.
I see that you posted this about 5 hours ago and already you have 1K thumbs up. It's sad that there are so many people who have narcissists in their lives. I'm happy that these videos are helping so many people, me included.
I told my narcissist friend she was a narcissist, she screamed so loud and long at me she has laryngitis
I'm guessing she still didn't understand what you were getting at.
Good for you! Peace at last & don’t look back… or turn your back on her or she’ll stab it 😉
Ouch! 😢
That’s it! I’m constantly bouncing off of who the narc is……exhausting mental gymnastics 😮
Yes compassion of who I am. Yes. Their contempt bitterness. Yes. Healthy love for self. Wisdom. Oh yes he likes me to react. Yes. Get you going. Yes. I know who I am. It’s not based on him. Not going to try to reform him. Being real who I am. Thank you for helping me.
When I was little, I was taught that your elders were always right. Even when they were wrong, they were right. And they all knew better than me. Growing up and also when I was married, I always felt as though I was constantly being judged and ridiculed. I'm hoping that with this growing, but not perfect, calm confidence is helping change my own self judgement. I'm working on myself so that I can be a better non judgemental, calm, and confident individual for my adult lads who have their own issues. I take on board everything that is said in this video and am very grateful for the knowledge, wisdom, and support of Dr.C. and Team Healthy ❤️ 🙏 and a big belly rub for Gus 🐕
I'm guessing those elders meant one thing and one thing only. I'm always right!
Love & Hugs Amanda ❤🌹
@SurvivingNarcissism Absolutely Doc!
These days, I'm the first to admit, and I don't mind being wrong 🙏
@teresanelson1587 Thanks, Teresa. Received and reciprocated ❤️🫂
Dear Amanda, I hear you. Always being jugded by your parents for not being able to be right because they were the grown up and let you constantly know that they were superior to you can have such an negative impact on you - never feeling good enough and therefore you develop an inner self jugdement, which keeps you down and this will be unconsiously recognized by others as well, like your ex, your children, so that the cycle goes on unfortunately unless you start working on yourself like you do to find out who you are and what really matters and belongs to you. I am always telling myself to comfort me, "What does not truly belong to me, will leave anyway."
I think the self judgement is one of the biggest issues that can hold you stuck in developing into growth because it keeps you in your own prison. It became such a core belief to yourself.
Unfortunately my daughter also internalized that belief into herself although I am not a parent that is always right and I do apologize when I did a mistake. Luckily we are both working on ourselves (specially she on her anger issues and I on my boundaries) and we do not give up talking to each other.
Like you I am also very grateful for this knowledge, wisdom and support of this channel to develop some healthy growth.
Wishing you all the best and sending you big hugs 💗🤗🍀🕊
Thank you! It’s good to know I’m on the right track. I’m an empath that has been surrounded all her life by them from birth. I became enlightened about them at 63 years old. I turn 66 this year and feel good. It’s all about boundaries and realizing you’ve tried your best with them and moving on with your life.
Well, I am 71, so we're both proof that there is good to have even with a life of too many narcs. Best to you in continued growth, healing and fulfillment of who _you_ are. 🦋🌹💕
I don't think I will ever recover 100% from the abuse my narcissistic Ex bestowed upon me but what I have learned is that everything good he does for others has to useful to himself; Narcissists hate confrontation and tend walk away or get angry when challenged.
I think this is what drives the narcissist to behave the way they do! When they realize that you're strong in your convictions, and that you (flat out) refuse to give up your priorities and bend toward their will, they have to do something to break you. They can't handle it otherwise! This was the whole problem between me and my narc. She decided how I was going to live my life and would accept no deviation from her plan. But I learned something from the experience: when you put your life on the line, and stray from the path you're destined to follow, you end up with nothing but regrets, and a life you long to change, but there's no time left to change it. This is something that I preach to my son, so that hopefully if he comes up on a narc, he won't go down the drain like I did. Be blessed❤.
Healing can show up...
...from feeling stuck to feeling empowered to move out of a situation, whether it be a job situation, a friendship or romantic relationship, or a negative mindset.
...from feeling anxious and tense to feeling relaxed, grounded and centered
...from feeling drained and tired to feeling energetic and refreshed
...from feeling uninspired and creatively blocked to feeling inspired and full of ideas
I like that! One down... 3 to go!
I tick all these boxes now. I am certainly still recovering and need to check in with myself on a daily basis, but the milestones after a few years of honest and often confronting self work does pay off.
It is so sad to realize in my early forties that I am married to someone with narcistic traits, where for the last 7 years I naively thought we were going through a rough patch.. It is sad because I now understand this person I am married to will never heal.
You’re only in your forties and it’s only seven years. Fear not you have lots of life left to live. I’m narc free after 29 years of BS and life has never been so sweet ❤
I'll never forget the freedom I felt when I finally told my husband that I wouldn't be spending anymore holidays with his toxic family. Spending time with them was just too much emotionally for me and I don't feel bad about it. I am also happy for them if something good happens to them and I do pray for them, but I am much better without their influence in my life. I never realize how much time and energy they sucked from our family until we distanced ourselves. One particular person tries to keep the family glued together and doesn't seem to be able to accept the fact that the rest of them have moved forward. Family isn't always everything and you don't have to stay in toxic familial relationships, but certain people still think this is true.
I love these videos it truly helps me keep track of my growth and to stand with dignity against the narcissist. I’m not perfect nor do I want to be. But I’m grateful for this wonderful community. Thank you to all 😊
Thank you, Dr. Carter. I am learning so much because of your videos. I had an accomplishment this weekend when my narcissist had one of his angry verbal attacks in a almost hour car ride (the whole time) I did not engage this time. I stayed silent the whole time. I’m learning. Before I would try to accomplish this but he would always know how to get me to respond. Well, this time I didn’t. Of course to him if I say anything I’m wrong, if I don’t I’m wrong. But to me it was a big step forward.
Sending you prayers for peace and comfort. That car ride sounds like the worst. I’m sorry you had to go through this. God bless you. 🙏🏼😽💕
The less you react, the more power you feel. 💗
One important thing I learned in alanon pass or play! It saved my life ! You can say to yourself, the same with a narcissist, no arguments, your not response able for them anymore! Save yourself! Believe in yourself and with Dr C be happy!🥰🥰🥰
this video made me really happy to watch because I realized that I am progressing well on recovering from a narcissist parent! It encouraged me to keep working on it, I want to continue to recover more.
This will be interesting. For me, part of knowing I was over the ex narc was the realization that I no longer cared about his infidelities. Those women could have him. Be prepared ladies for long phone conversations whereby he'll talk about nothing but himself in the best light for hours. He has marathon days of these conversations. I just chuckle now to myself.
Hahaha...your comment really makes me laugh...yes, endless monologues and he himself most impressed by his voice😂
They even laugh at their own jokes 🙄
I feel the same way. I posted “Curb Alert” free Narcissist Husband that knows it all, Come and get him I got no responses.
Yea once you are kinda away from the Storm it is really hilarious how they See themselves as perfect
I feel more mature, grounded and calm since I have gotten help from you. I've had to change since the narcissist inmy life won't. Life still remains uneasy when I have to see this person, but at least I know who I am dealing with, and it has made life more understandable and I feel a sense of freedom and grace. I have a deeper love for God even with the challenges. I look to him and not this broken world. Eileen
There's a lot to unpack here. Thank you!
I find that self doubt (both innate & imposed,) is the most difficult to overcome. Working from the authentic self & accepting what's imperfectly perfect, gets you there. Authenticity is unshakeable & like truth, needs no defending.
The self doubt is a big one. 🎯 Now we can look ahead and recover the very best we can, in our own time. ❤️
Don’t let anyone confuse you because your integrity is their downfall
"Authenticity is unshakeable!" Thank you for this great reminder 💛
I think self judgement and self doubt are both difficult to overcome.
🎯🎯🎯
I realised I was in a new phase when the narcissists in my life threw more garbage my way, and my thought was not how can I get back control of the situation? But how can I change what I need to change in me to get past this new monkey wrench that was thrown at me with my sanity and dignity still in place. It was a great day.
How I know. I’m sleeping better some, I carved out the time. My spirit is looking for opportunities to bless someone. I’m planning dental appointments. Maybe my appetite will recover. The fact is I’m willing to try again, to thrive despite the narc contempt, and my CPTSD. I’m also planning on further life affirming activities. Thank you for your work Dr Les. God bless you.
💗
Well said!!! 🙌 🙏 😊
Nice man lets goo! ❤
Yay me!! I have been doing a lot of the work you've mentioned. My narc husband can't handle the new me 😊 However, I will continue to grow
Keep leaning forward!
I’m coming back as GUS 🥰 he doesn’t care one iota about narcissists 😉 he would say ‘be more dog’ and let it all go over your head ♥️
That made me chuckle.
Once, we went to a family councilling session and I tried( via email because it was suffocating to explain to the therapist what my issues were) and she shut me down and said , your husband is extremely intelligent. She said more ,but I am sure I am going to get a comment sooner or later to say it was my interpretation. I was thrown back by it. I still have the email ! having said that I took a lot of her advice on board about stepping back and not being in the drama triangle and it has helped, but I did feel she lacked knowledge in Narc behaviour.
She most likely did. Not all Therapist understands Narcissism, Unfortunately.
Thank you , Dr. Carter. I hope you and family are well.
Thank you.
Dr. C helped set me free ✨️ 🙌
Pleased!
They are perfect strategists, I think the only thing what they do is reading books how to control others towards their favour. They also join individuals who are in the same crowd, so they feel stronger, they have no remorse, they are like robots with a big smile on, 24 hours a day
If they were only narcissists, I wouldn't find it a problem. But I've been set upon by sociopaths. It's not so easy to recover from them.
Recovering is never easy for it takes time and working on yourself. It does not matter if you got injured by a lion or a tiger, does it?
Thank you for this - I am recovering from a narcissistic marriage - and I struggle with my own agency. I am lovingly working on this and am noticing it’s helping me feel stronger boundaries as a result. Thank you 🙏🏻
I'm so pleased for you, and thank you for allowing me to join you on the path toward healing.
How do i know?
Blissful indifference.
And effective therapy.
Such a helpful video. They keep poking to get a reaction. Age has nothing to do with this either. Some of the worst ones we have had to deal with are 60+. Gus gets the value of peace and he is a dog. Higher IQ than a narc.
Glad it resonated! Gus is honored to be mentioned!
For the longest time ive been motivated by others approval, thankfulness, appreciation and acknowledgement etc. Of my behavior in ttheir presence. When ive received undesireable responses i questioned my self. A people pleaser kinda.
Now, with guidance from many and Dr. Carter As my foundation for growth, i find it more rewarding to love self. Forgive self, and be ok with self regardless of others' acquiescence of my presence. Thanks for ev. Doc.
Thank you Dr C. We never get over this but through and honesty, hobbies, and reading a book have all been thoroughly satisfying
Wonderful!
Thank you Dr.C. I feel validated and strengthened by your help. ❤🙏
So pleased!
This is so reassuring- thanks. I have had intense therapy in the past year, and the effects- while I am still a work in process, the results have been life changing. My narc mother seems to even more angry than usual because she can't make me so angry these days- and that infuriates her. She ends up having a one sided argument while I maintain my calm.
I am well into recovery mode I've been in it for over a year doing quite well and I guess it just gets better from here
This was another good video. “This is me, This is who I am and I know that much good is going to come from me as I live in my authentic self” I need to repeat this with enthusiasm because I got used to believe in the push down.
Thank you🙏 I have been listing to u for quite a while now and it's really give me some great power to restore. Knowledge is indeed power
You are so welcome. I'm pleased to be on the path with you!
My god. I had been doubting the validity of my judgement about my ex being narcissistic during our relationship, but the things you've said while explaining the various signs of recovery, especially the inappropriate, toxic anger that was thrown at me and how i was told i was "disgusting" whenever i disagreed with her or offered a different point of view about something which did not even have anything to do with the relationship itself, convinces me that my assessment is not far off at all. I was on the verge of dating someone new recently and even they displayed similar traits and alarm bells sounded in my brain immediately, and i got out as quickly as i could, and i was wondering if my instincts were wrong, but now i don't feel guilty about it
At some point I realized how valid my thinking was. This was unlike what the narcissist forced on me. It is really shocking to learn I was tormented for being a healthy person. At another point along the way I saw the narcissists for who they really were and how needy and sick their world really is. They are mentally 4 years and have no strength or substance. That is really a pitiful way to be.
@@AnnmarieKeim-vw7lli feel what you're saying. Initially, i was told that my kindness was what was attractive and after a point, when they said they weren't sure and kept doing a push-pull strategy to keep me attached and while i continued to be kind and didn't lash out, I was told that my being kind to them was making them angrier and they wished I would be toxic and aggressive to them. And I believed I was wrong to judge their behaviour as problematic and toxic because I know they've had a very abusive childhood and do live with a toxic family, but I've realised it's no excuse to be treat someone else in a hurtful manner. You're absolutely right, it really is toddler-like behaviour
That’s the word my narc ex friend always used. Every time. She even said that “ foreplay is disgusting”. 😮 She liked to go thru men really fast, too. Used and dumped them for shallow reasons.
I think it is very hard to fully and immediately recover from a life-long abuse that is made primarily by immediate insiders to your life. Nevertheless finally recovery and confidence are happening gradually.
Thank you very mach for the indicators.
God Bless!
I really wanted to be with him and his children i actually really loved him but realized he didn't feel the same by his cation thats to much to take on knowing he not showing me the same kive and effort, single is Beautiful ❤
He made me feel in prison for 18 years with physical abuse etc.. it's like the door was open all along but I wasn't able to leave due to fear. Its been 5 months and I have lost so much, but I found the high we version of myself.. and I can truly say I have confidence now ❤
He must be pretty good at what he does. So far, he's the only one who managed to offend my brother. My brother's malignant about his narcissism. I've seen him be able to look at someone in true pain and walk away from the person with no reaction on his face.
Yet he's still offended by something Dr. C. said 8 months ago. If my brother can be that cold & cruel to others, how the world can he turn into a Karen about himself?!
"Anger tempered by decency". ❤
I’ve just realised that I’m recovering from my two narcs, when I thought about certain things that happened with them this weekend, I realised that I wasn’t crying. ( that’s a MAJOR step forward for me!!) 😊 at last I’m being the best person I can be, with help and Dr C’s advice. Thanks so much!😊😉
I am so pulling for you!
Thanks 😊
Wow!! This video is SO encouraging and affirming that I'm on the right path! Oddly enough, as I've chosen to focus on my own healing, others around me are doing the same. This domino effect is wonderful to both experience and watch! Thank you Dr C!
❤
Good, positive message. It helps us all. No one follows the same path, but these ideas help us understand our own paths. Thanks for making this vid.
Words of true liberation. Thank you.