After I miscarried, I felt very alone. I didn't know anyone who had lost a pregnancy. Or so I thought. Once I started talking about my loss, other people opened up about theirs. I couldn't believe they had been holding onto that pain alone for all those years. Each one of us thought we were alone, and maybe that there was something wrong with us. But now that we know, we can support each other and feel connected.
NTA. Your sil needed a dose of reality. After she said what she did to your daughter, and then on the phone to your husband, I don’t think she deserves to be a mother.
Never assume that others haven't faced loss. Almost 50 years ago, we lost a son at birth, almost lost my wife (placental abruption, only lived because it occurred while she was at work in a hospital). I have never told friends and co-workers about it. It rarely comes to mind, but when it does, the loss is still there.
My sister in law only ever had one child. We don't talk about the 4 miscarriages after him but you could see it in her. She hurt. She still hurts for the children that should have been. But she pulled up her big girl pants as she says and went on to be the mom her son needed. Yes she mourned every life that should have been. But her son kept her going. He needed her in the now she said.
When I was creating my family tree on one of those family tree programs I called up an distance cousin in his late 70's, we got into a argument because cousin was a only child, because after him his mom gave birth to him in her young 20's, she misscarried 5 times, gave birth to 3 stillborn sons (in hospital) and 2 more sons that died hours after birth in hospital and he didn't think it was significant to include this in family medical history/family tree. I did, because it sounded like a disease effecting males might run in the family. I added them anyway but flagged it as private.
Don't let her behavior slide. Everyone is entitled to their grief, but that is no excuse to be cruel to others. Whether she knew about your loss or not, she was deliberately trying to bait you to make herself feel better. She is selfish and attention seeking, as proven by her complaint that your multiple losses are somehow diminishing her own. She only cares about being the center of attention, even to the point of upsetting your daughter to get more sympathy.
Your SIL is grieving, in a very public way. You grieved in private. It was okay for you to tell her that you did understand her loss, and why. Give her time, and hopefully she will start to heal. At this point, however, it seems she will need professional grief counselling. She does not seem to be able to ‘feel’ anyone else’s pain but her own. I am sorry for your losses, and hers as well. I am also overjoyed for your daughter…
Well, person going through current griefs is entitled to charity even from people who have suffered the same in the past- they've had the time to try to manage it in whatever way was best to them. Perhaps OP should have mentioned her four losses quietly and sympathetically earlier on, by way of empathy and sisterly comfort. That might have meant SIL wouldn't have said something so presumptuous later. But in the circumstances described, OP would have been entitled to stand up to full height, scream, "I have lost four children the same way, b****!!", and then slap SIL in the face so hard she falls to the floor. MIL, on the other hand, is the best MIL ever.
She wants your support but as soon as you show her that you don't live the happy life she think you had you're making everything about yourself. She should have reacted like your MIL or at least similar to that, but instead she tried redirecting all attention to herself. You did the exact right thing
NTA. Since when did grief became a competition to see who's got it worse? I'm sorry for your and your SIL's losses, but she needs to stop being so self centered.
1:26 Let me stop you right there. It is ABNORMAL and DISTURBING BEHAVIOR to be speaking so candidly and openly about a miscarriage. It reveals that this person cares more about the sympathy or attention she can garner from losing a daughter, than the actual loss of her daughter. Frankly, it's disgusting and she should have been called out on how inappropriate she was being. Unfortunately, we live in a world that reinforces the deluded concept that women good, men bad, women always right, men always wrong, and to speak against that, even as a woman, is tantamount to being a kooky homeless person spouting conspiracy theories.
After I miscarried, I felt very alone. I didn't know anyone who had lost a pregnancy. Or so I thought. Once I started talking about my loss, other people opened up about theirs. I couldn't believe they had been holding onto that pain alone for all those years. Each one of us thought we were alone, and maybe that there was something wrong with us. But now that we know, we can support each other and feel connected.
NTA. Your sil needed a dose of reality. After she said what she did to your daughter, and then on the phone to your husband, I don’t think she deserves to be a mother.
NTA, she's just self centered. And its time to put a stop on it when she's actually putting her feelings above everyone elses.
Never assume that others haven't faced loss. Almost 50 years ago, we lost a son at birth, almost lost my wife (placental abruption, only lived because it occurred while she was at work in a hospital). I have never told friends and co-workers about it. It rarely comes to mind, but when it does, the loss is still there.
My sister in law only ever had one child. We don't talk about the 4 miscarriages after him but you could see it in her. She hurt. She still hurts for the children that should have been.
But she pulled up her big girl pants as she says and went on to be the mom her son needed. Yes she mourned every life that should have been. But her son kept her going. He needed her in the now she said.
When I was creating my family tree on one of those family tree programs I called up an distance cousin in his late 70's, we got into a argument because cousin was a only child, because after him his mom gave birth to him in her young 20's, she misscarried 5 times, gave birth to 3 stillborn sons (in hospital) and 2 more sons that died hours after birth in hospital and he didn't think it was significant to include this in family medical history/family tree. I did, because it sounded like a disease effecting males might run in the family. I added them anyway but flagged it as private.
Sister has main-character syndrome.
Aaaand at 4:13 SIL takes it right over the self-indulgence moral event horizon. Good job, SIL.
Don't let her behavior slide. Everyone is entitled to their grief, but that is no excuse to be cruel to others. Whether she knew about your loss or not, she was deliberately trying to bait you to make herself feel better. She is selfish and attention seeking, as proven by her complaint that your multiple losses are somehow diminishing her own. She only cares about being the center of attention, even to the point of upsetting your daughter to get more sympathy.
She's an attention seeker. Ignore her.
Your SIL is grieving, in a very public way. You grieved in private. It was okay for you to tell her that you did understand her loss, and why.
Give her time, and hopefully she will start to heal. At this point, however, it seems she will need professional grief counselling. She does not seem to be able to ‘feel’ anyone else’s pain but her own. I am sorry for your losses, and hers as well. I am also overjoyed for your daughter…
NTA she brought you into this unnecessarily and made an incorrect statement. You just corrected.
Well, person going through current griefs is entitled to charity even from people who have suffered the same in the past- they've had the time to try to manage it in whatever way was best to them. Perhaps OP should have mentioned her four losses quietly and sympathetically earlier on, by way of empathy and sisterly comfort. That might have meant SIL wouldn't have said something so presumptuous later. But in the circumstances described, OP would have been entitled to stand up to full height, scream, "I have lost four children the same way, b****!!", and then slap SIL in the face so hard she falls to the floor. MIL, on the other hand, is the best MIL ever.
OK, way too much BS jargon psychobabble from both SIL and OP toward the end, which is never clarifying, but OP still fully in the right.
She wants your support but as soon as you show her that you don't live the happy life she think you had you're making everything about yourself. She should have reacted like your MIL or at least similar to that, but instead she tried redirecting all attention to herself. You did the exact right thing
NTA. Since when did grief became a competition to see who's got it worse? I'm sorry for your and your SIL's losses, but she needs to stop being so self centered.
1:26
Let me stop you right there. It is ABNORMAL and DISTURBING BEHAVIOR to be speaking so candidly and openly about a miscarriage. It reveals that this person cares more about the sympathy or attention she can garner from losing a daughter, than the actual loss of her daughter. Frankly, it's disgusting and she should have been called out on how inappropriate she was being.
Unfortunately, we live in a world that reinforces the deluded concept that women good, men bad, women always right, men always wrong, and to speak against that, even as a woman, is tantamount to being a kooky homeless person spouting conspiracy theories.
NTA
nta in the slightest
OP is just a pity party pooper 😂
Wow 4 Miscariages are many but i know someone who knows an Girl that should had 4or 5 Siblings she's an only Child
I feel like we should go back to the days when we just didn't talk about reproductive issues.
Bad idea. Less information = more suffering and death.
If YOU don't want to hear about it, then don't.