Christianity was shoved down my throat beginning at age 7. It's the perfect shaming and forced adoration tool used in my childhood that reinforced earlier gaslighting (religious narcs love religion and families). I can remember as far back as age 3 the traumas; the memories are still with me, today. My late dad even filmed my mother pushing me down from the top of my head as a toddler when I was trying to walk with her on her way to church. Finally getting all this toxicity out of my life in my 60s, and bought several of your programs, Ross; watching your transformation is my inspiration that I can to do it, too.
What makes you unique is the fact you resolved this for yourself first Ross, that is why you get it and now through a tight framework give to others. Its your own...in every single way. This is service of the highest form.
So timely. I’m only just beginning to scrape the surface on this emotional reality after 60 years. Just today I recognized that I was unable to understand or verbalize the impact my loveless childhood had on me and how it is still manifesting in my body. I always forgave my parents because to admit that they were loveless and didn’t protect me was unbearable. I’ve somehow become conscious of this over the past year after multiple painful adult traumas. Much more work to be done. I’m going to read your books and make my therapist aware. Thank you for your work.
I can now put a name to what I have. I grew up with a Narcissistic mother & a quiet father. I have self love defict disorder. Now I know why I have to care for others to feel worthwhile... plus My fiance had a motorbike accident 2 weeks before our wedding. I stayed with him & never walked away from him. He wasn't a narcissist like my mother.....he was a quiet man like my father. I'm only just turning this light that has been turned on by Dr Rosenburg here today. I'm not alone & totally crazy.
Excellent video. Having read HMS and Rosenberg’s training some years ago, I would say taking ownership of my perennial attraction to narcissists is the most liberating thing!
What he talks about here, in saying that clients don't have clear memories and don't know how to get to the trauma, makes me think of Jung's statement that, "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."
I have faced the facts that I as abandoned by my parents. I am so ready to get to the painful unconscious trauma that is still, at 74, impacting me. Let's go for it!
In the time I've researched to self-help this is THE BEST information I've come across. I will continue my healing journey with these tools and would love to eventually help others because this is life changing work. Ty for your expertise. There is hope for true recovery!
This was full of amazing insights for me from the deficiencies of my " broken picker" to understanding about the forceful drive of " pathologcal lonliness".
Talk to your children. You might be surprised they are in favor of you leaving (age appropriate, of course, and not in a way to turn them against a parent.) I was desperate for my mom to leave my dad the disordered one. I wouldn't have said anything as a younger child, or even as a teenager. But when my mom approached me in my teen years and told me she was going to leave the marriage (and take us kids with her), I was beyond thrilled. A bit later, I was able to finally share my feelings about the whole situation. She handled it very carefully and well.
I agree! I wish my parents had divorced much, much sooner. I could have had a safe place at least during the time I spent with the non-narcissist parent. As it was, I had no safe place, ever.
Wow 👏your amazing, everything you said makes perfect sense, one night I woke up remembering the childhood abuse and I got really depressed kept crying felt so lost, I wasn't ready to remember that its like my mind is hiding things from me
Love this, healing warriors. A way out of the powerless, victim mentality. Integration to healthier ways of being. Thank you both, I appreciate the good guy bad guy analogy and insight into our own accountablity for the dance. I agree wholeheartedly, you have to be ready to look, understand and intergrate what surfaces. I am here now and relieved. Thank you again.
I feel this is a much needed topic to help ppl understand & with that understanding comes a process to heal. The Faith element is essential as well b/c the Lord provides unconditional love & finding out who you are in Him is key to full success of true healing. Ty for the information & your work.
I agree. That's really the best description I've heard too. I have been really looking more closely at myself and making more sense of this. I do have PTSD. I've come to know certain triggers. And I am realizing that yes, I only recieved love or my worth was only when i did something that made them happy or fulfill what they thought i should be. Thanks for this video. I ordered my book, hopefully it will arrive soon.
Starting at 27:00, there's a plausible explanation of how a child of parents, one who is codependent & the other is narcissist, is faced with two avenues to either also become a narcissist or go silent.
How do you find a good therapist for this issue? When I was married, my husband wouldn’t go to therapy so I went myself but they just put me on antidepressants. Of course that didn’t help.
Please take a look at this video: bit.do/Buyersguide, it is also in Audio format and it has a lot of information about how to find the right therapist. I hope it helps!
Dr Rosenberg's work is very helpful. Self love is a major lack in narcissistic abusive relationships. It's like existing in a bottomless, endless spin in mud dance.
After years of therapy no mental health professional ever ask me about my childhood. When the “Experts” are not trained on complex ptsd”, where the hell can I find hope about recovery from childhood trauma that I had no say over. It is so hopeless on so many levels.
Hi Faye, thanks for sharing. When looking for a therapist, Ross suggests to search for someone familiar and experienced with addictions, trauma, family systems, CBT, and has a psychodynamic theory and technique. Also, this video may be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/90ik1hzX0xs/v-deo.html
Amazing work, so I got divorced, blamedyself for past 3 years, self sabotaged, then my daughter, eldestbece suicidal and self harming, beginning of covid, had an incident with her andy ex sued for sole custody, makes so much sense, but I am afraid she is following her dad's footsteps
Iv realised a short time ago I hd this strange relationship with a Narccastic male & im the last of 8 kids oooh did i go thru every person He reminded me of the lot of them quite quickly ??? I stuck it out Iv learnt Who iam Im out of his clutches NOW AS IM HEALED more than i was all my life yes the CORE THANK YOU 🌹🦋🦄
God did it for me. I couldn't afford to pay for it..a close relationship with God the father imo is the only way for some..therapy is brilliant but a lot of people can't afford it. These videos are exactly what God did for me. He helped me rescue the inner child and bring up to date with me at 52..I realised He was there all along.. It has been a long journey to freedom but I do agree with these techniques. It is almost what God and me did alone. I had nobody
I think this is a really relevant topic not only to individuals but also to the trauma that is coming up for healing for black populations/identities of America.
I’m a retired psychotherapist. What helped me to gain insights about early trauma was undertaking two infant observations in the style of the Tavistock Model.
Christina Nadja Thank you for your message. Writing the memoirs has been a catalyst and surprised me. This next book is much easier because it’s the story - creative non-fiction. Best wishes to you.
Dr. Rosenberg, I watched an older video of yours on attachment trauma. I find your videos so healing and informative. I’m 63 y/o and have always attracted Narcissists due to co-dependency. I have spent the last 4 years alone to connect with myself and focus on family and just learn to be alone. The intense pain from loneliness still exists within me though when I’m alone. I see my family a couple times a month as time permits. After 4 years I still have that gut-wrenching pain when I am alone with myself. I feel it goes back to the attachment trauma I experienced. What are your recommendations for me to get past this?
Dear Jennifer, thank you for your comment. The best we can do is to guide you to learn more. Ross has a blog with a lot of free information: humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog/ and then his website: www.selfloverecovery.com/.
Thanks Ross, you are the man! I’ve always wondered where my problems originated from because I always remembered having a great up bringing. Now that I’m aware of disassociated memories, maybe my brain has hidden them from me, yet my subconscious is well aware and is what triggers my anxiety and addictions. This is all so fascinating.
I'm 58, does it even matter anymore? My challenge is too get help without money and also find a therapist that even knows as much as I do about this evil family dynamic...Bring me home Lord. I'm ready.
Go to the personal development school. It is $67 a month. I cured the defective Feeling that I'd been walking around with for 40 years of my life, In less than a week.
If you know of any councillors in Sou West Nova Scotia,Canada,please let me know.I have your new book.Five years out of my second marriage, first wasn’t different.I’m doing a study through a church called CR.I’m so ready to do the work.Even with you if we can fly ever again.We communicated a few years back regarding your weekend retreats😊
Hi Carole! Unfortunately, we cannot recommend a specific therapist. When looking for a therapist, Ross suggests to search for someone familiar and experienced with addictions, trauma, family systems, CBT, and has a psychodynamic theory and technique. Hope this helps! Hope we can meet in a retreat one day!
Here I am one year after a year long very deep dive into this topic and how it has impacted me and my family and it has ultimately settled on my spouse. I have found through my father's terminal illness how codependent he was and how much I am living that role. I am trying to figure out how to maneuver through this so I can safely help my family and myself.
Ross, Can you please share with us what your specific major trauma event was-as an example of a major traumas (which isn’t molestation, or outright physical beatings)-that could cause such cordoning off of memories by the amygdala for those of us who can’t remember our major traumatic event(s)? Or, would you mind sharing an hypothetical list of such traumas-which are not specifically sexual abuse or physical abuse? As the child of a narcissistic parent who remembers life changing for the whole family after his father got fired, grew depressed, then within 5-years dad had became me a hoarder (spreading all sorts of toxic shame, poor self image issues, & self-loathing & self-sabotaging thoughts)-I really struggle with what’s mine, what’s my father’s, & what iare the issues of other people that get projected in to me (that I should otherwise attribute to being “their issues”). I have a tendency to accept 100% blame, or apologize, or extend an olive branch when others never would-& I do it too often (as well as other mal-adapted thought & behavior patterns). Thank you!!
Powerful information. I have been working on healing or two years. I cried twice listening to this. Thank you! I went no contact with my covert NF and have a narcissist husband.
I relate about the knee-jerk reaction. For instance, so eone asked me how an ex-friend of mine was doing and when I responded, I responded somewhat angrily, which offended that person who asked and they looked at me like Inwas crazy. I didn't intend to respond that way, but it came out that way. I’ve had other instances like this as well.
When you say we're compelled to be in this chaotic interaction.. that's where you are reiterating what you described as gaslighting addiction. My understanding is that this owes its roots in active conditioning of your thought patterns for a significant amount of time to be encoded as an unconscious pattern which is foreign to your innate system but which you have internalized.. that's why it's so diabolical n dangerous.. because it's programmed in you.. I'm sure a lot of people don't realise that for decades they don't have resources or they have absolutely no idea that it happened and something is wrong.. they are damned because they don't know.. All this is so disturbing to analyse it's a loss of your identity which could be irreversible for a lot of people.. when this started in my life I hung on to my courage and inner guidance..but I can tell you that it was just in the nick of time by the grace of God I pulled myself out of it n went no contact.. after I realised that I had morphed into a bad copy of myself.. You Ross.. are saving lives by your work. God bless you. Keep it up.🙏🙏❤️❤️
Listening in 2020.. I can't remember most of my childhood.. it's fuzzy at best..I only became aware of the Narcissist/Codependent dynamic in the last two years..How does one heal what you can't consciously recall?
This is so true and complex. And what if the parents divorce and the child stays with their narc mother? In my country, the children will typically stay with their mothers by decision of a court of law, specially if they are small, under the age of 12. So, they are now less protected than when they were with narcissist mother and co-dependent father. Because we often associate narc with male and codependent with female, but I know many cases where it's the opposite. I wonder, would divorce still be the best option for these children if it is their narcissist mother to keep them? Thank you.
Wow. The experts will have to answer that one. I had a covert narc mom and a codependent father. Neither was very enlightened. IDK which one I would have been better off with. As it was, I grew up in the house with both of them under sever abandonment. At 74 I am just starting to get free. Every little bit feels very good.
Honestly, I think you're better off with a narcissist parent. If you're raised by narcissistic parents, you tend to be highly functioning because You got praise for performance. You might be a workaholic. You might chase money and professional accolades etc. People raised by codependent parents are usually raised really permissively. This results an entitlement, lazines, lack of respect for authority, entitlement, laziness, Failure to launch, and a host of other maladaptive behaviors that make it very difficult for you function as an adult. The narcissist parent wont let you sit around and be unproductive because you will reflect poorly on them. The codependent parent wants you to be unproductive, so you are dependent on them and they feel needed. Just my two cents though.
Dr. Rosenberg, I’m a recovering SLD mom of a 3 year old daughter. How do I parent her so she doesn’t become a SLD or a narc like by husband? No UA-cam videos on this topic.
Yes..Deny Thyself but Fulfill Others. Raised by a Single Momnw/ 6 kids all a year apart ..We moved Alot.amd Ahe worked alot. We were to be Seen nut Not Heard. Don't speak up.amd don't dare disreapect nor challenge your Elders. Not to mention the sexual abuse by a brother and a mother who discovred this and said "SHE Can't Talk About It". Forget about Me bc She couldn't handle it. I was experiencing Severe Panic and Social Anxiety Disorder at 14 and was told to Toughen Up and keep going. Very Emotionally Detached Mother. No Huhs, No I Love Yous, No discussions on Female things growing up Not until we were all much older than she would say I Love You and she was Grateful bc I helped her with her stuff as she got old. We Never discussed Anything deep bc She Shut Down when my Dad left (drunken abuser thay hit and tormented Mom but not us kids. We Never saw nor hears from him again. So much more to tell but that's the jist of it. I've been horrible at picking men and am 58 amd single now for 6 years. Happy but Lonely (at times). Thank you amd God Bless
Ross. With two covert narcissistic ex spouses my now adult children are totally conflicted and confused. The emotional mom was the problem via parental alienation....now what?
Is what I’m hearing you say, that I resented both my parents and was able to talk about why somewhat with my sld parent means I don’t have repressed trauma in this regard?
I can tell you what happens when a codependant/ empath parent leaves the narcissist. The narcissist gets the children at least in the state Georgia. The kids hate the empath parent the boys become tramma bonded narcissist and the girls become self harming co defendants to the narcissist.
my parents told me they were fixed up by a cousin....truth be told they both had alcoholics in both their families and they refused to talk openly about this. i bought into being the problem chld all of which i wasnt. i just was picking up onmy dads anxiety..my dad vomited every ingle morning before work. no one wanted to talk about his eating disorder either.
I’m having a hard time finding a therapist that is helpful, I don’t want to just talk! I want to do the work to get healthy! How do I find a trauma therapist?
Hi Stephanie, when looking for a therapist, Ross suggests to search for someone familiar and experienced with addictions, trauma, family systems, CBT, and has a psychodynamic theory and technique. Also, this video may be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/90ik1hzX0xs/v-deo.html
Hi Jason. When looking for a therapist, Ross suggests to search for someone familiar and experienced with addictions, trauma, family systems, CBT, and has a psychodynamic theory and technique. Also, this video may be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/90ik1hzX0xs/v-deo.html
It would seem to me that more therapists should be better trained prior to receiving their titles and licenses. Going into a therapist's office and finding it necessary to censure one's life experiences is not the best situation.
8 years ago I saw a very nice and helpful counselor however when I told her I think a divorce is best she scrunched her face up and said " Awww, you really want to do that???" She was catholic and that skewed her view. Present day: 8 years later I found a lot of horrific cheating behavior that involved sex rings and prostituting himself and others , even at 62. My 26 years with him was a horrible abusive mess. I confronted him and 1 hour later I was in cuffs being sectioned for saying " I wanted to kill myself and did drugs" . I was held in an unsafe, local hospital that was so insanely run, I was put on a gurney against the nurses station for 72 hours and was held against my will based on a LIE. None of my regular blood pressure meds and other meds I take were given to me the whole time, the kind you can't just stop were held., Especially 4 doses a day of blood pressure meds I've been on for 10years. There's nonmask wearing traumatic brain injury people lined up freaking out , singing hymns in Creole, screaming people, violent people,drunk etc as it was labor day weekend 2020. 24/7 for 3 days. Florescent lights, cops, traffic, food carts banging into my bed. Nurses and doctors condescending, rude and emotionally abusive to us all. I slept about 4 hours in 3 days. Just got out 4 days ago. I was NOT suicidal or on drugs but they had the right to hold me because of ONE PHONE CALL & family dysfunction and kids taking sides. I have no history of suicidal Ideation. So in 3 days I lost my kids, the narc, ( good thing). Talk about being discarded when they are done with you or you're no longer useful to them. He has 3 kids, 2 with me. At 62 the only people he has that talk to him are our kids and 1 friend. Burns everyone he crosses and it's usually a messy end. I'm a nurse and they called in a elder abuse claim too. Unreal. I don't abuse him, they said I verbally abuse him. No shit I was a normal woman reacting to horrific perverted infidelities and saying horrific stuff about me sexually and so many intimate things.Found tons of accounts online but he pretends he is cell phone illiterate. I hung on 26 years for this bullshit, and kept him out of a nursing home by taking care of him at home for 10 years cuz his body and liver is shot from years of drug abuse. I convinced myself I was staying to spare my kids of him destroying them eventually. They'd be stuck with him if I left. But now I have no choice , I'm homeless and jobless and carless, this is where I ended up. I gave to have police escort to get clothes and stuff. It was a blessing in disguise or I never would have gotten out. There's so so much more but the moral is: Don't cross them, it's not worth it, they are sick sick soulless beings and now at 57 I'm learning to care for me. Not sure how but I'm trying. The fact I told my primary doc and therapist years ago what I was going through helped me explain myself to the freaking zoom interview I had with some crisis therapist that heard me and understood narcs and sociopaths and believed I wasn't suicidal. There's never gonna be justice or closure or anything. Get out ASAP!!! I never ever thought he was " this bad". Tell your doctor's get it documented.
Ross, l live in a small town in Australia, one would be hard put to find a therapist with basic skill or understanding of traumas, CPTSD etc let alone that have any idea how to approach therapy, can you point me in a direction of where to find this support in aust?. I have a huge amount of insight into my past and figure that the only option left now is to try to delve deeper on my own, are there exceptions to your recommendation that this not be done alone? Thank you
its interesting how this is so pervasive in our society. Its a much bigger problem. Seems men have to be taught to be narcissistic to cope with the business world. Our society is feeding these dysfunctional disconnections to make money. We must also see the social pressure that supports this to neutralize ourselves to its magnetism
frozen: just know i realized the rape what i had puched away actually. happened 10 jear ago. mentioned last jear with my psycholoog. (recouver PTsT) 14.27 frozen what does not surptise me any way
A redditor recommended a book called Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel. Never heard of it so I did some research. Based on my little research, the hot mess I came across is astronomical, I couldn’t look any further. First of all this guy doesn’t believe in marriage counseling, according to him: Fertel says that traditional approaches to mending a broken marriage -- like marriage counseling -- are ineffective because of their emphasis on listening, rather than doing. He also believes: "Sometimes expressing your feelings can be very hurtful to the other person," he says. "[People ask,] 'But shouldn’t I be honest about my feelings?' If honestly expressing your feelings is hurtful to the other person, it’s not honest; it’s stupid, it’s insensitive, and it’s damaging to the relationship." So far my reaction has been A. WTF?! and B. Has this guy every met a narcissist? Better question, is he the narcissist? Here are his “Unconventional Marriage Tips from Mort Fertel” *•Go it alone:* "Most people think, 'I need my spouse to work with me to fix our marriage.' But it does not take two to tango. One person's effort can change the momentum of a marriage, and very often, it's that effort that motivates the obstinate spouse to join in the process of saving the relationship." *•The wrong question:* Many people wonder, “Did I marry the right person?” But that’s the wrong question. The key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found. Love is not a mystery. Just as there are physical laws of the universe - like gravity- there are also relationship laws that, depending on your behavior, dictate the outcome of your marriage. You don’t have to be “lucky in love.” It’s not luck; it’s choice. *•Absence does not make the heart grow fonder:* That might have been true in junior high school when you went away for the summer. But in marriage, particularly in a broken marriage, absence separates people. It creates distance, the opposite of what we’re trying to achieve, which is closeness. *•Don’t talk about your problems:* Talking about the problems in a marriage doesn’t resolve them; it makes them worse. It leads to arguments and bad will. Besides, you’ll never talk yourself out of a problem that you behaved yourself into. Marriages change because people change. Say little; do much. Speak in the vocabulary of your actions. New choices resolve marital problems. Discussions do not. *•Don’t think marriage counseling is the answer:* Marriage counseling does not work in most situations. The success rate is dismal. Most couples report being worse off after marriage counseling. One of the reasons relates to point 4 above. *•Don’t talk to family or friends about your situation:* One of the most important values in a marriage is privacy; therefore, it’s a mistake to talk about your marriage or your spouse to family or friends. It’s a violation of your spouse’s privacy and it’s wrong. Excuse my language but what the f**k did I just read? These tips are dangerous and could get someone in a domestic abuse killed. Dr. Rosenberg, we’d love hear your expert opinion on this.
There's always something more that one has to do. Another book, another therapy, another course. I have spent thousands on therapy. It's just disheartening.
No! Don't quit. Don't give up. I'm 74, ill and am just getting started. I am just learning why I grew up in a fog all my life. I always felt like I was watching the world from inside a glass cage. I could not break out. But after these videos, I am seeing a glimmer of light. It is already like a breath of fresh air and a drink of spring water. Come on to that well of spring water with the rest of us. Please.
How did you ever get the knowledgeable about this terrible condition called narcissistic personality disorder. I mean were you brought up in a family where there was a lot of bickering and fighting or was there an alcoholic in your family? I have a mother that was distant.. but I have a father that had a bad temper so if my mother complained about me I would get a good strapping for my dad he was a workaholic after they both died I became codependent because I had no siblings and no one to turn to and that was crazy. Seriously if you don't have family and your young girl and your early teens or your late teens and everything starts falling apart you gravitate to the wrong people and heck you don't know who these people are all you know is that you lost your family and you just need love. I didn't realize how cruel and mean the world was until I was out on my own. It's a lot of nutcases out here in this world. I never seen fighting or swearing in my family I mean it was a really lovely family to tell you the truth it's just said I didn't get much affection from my mother and my dad not being home much during the day I did see him everyday at supper time and on the weekends but you know years ago people used to work like crazy on the farm or they used to work all day from sunrise to sunset so they didn't have time for family I'm glad I didn't come from a big family I can imagine the emotional neglect. So I don't know who was the narcissist in my family my mother or my father I know my mother would never spank me but her father was a real nutcase and my father was quick-tempered I'm never really available for me that much however he did show affection he did say I love you and he was a good father to brought him good food but his life was without a mother and a brother who died when he was borned cuz he had a twin brother. In the old days people were Workaholics. So I was just wondering how did you learn all about this. You must have had some experience growing up as a a kid with a parent that was dysfunctional
I feel like you are advocating divorce. There is no other way for codependent person? Do you allow for religious reasons to not divorce? What do you tell these people? A serious Christian knows that God hates divorce. Is the way the narcissist treats the codependent considered abuse? You say this is a shared problem and that these combined relationships are harmful to children. I don't care what kind of relationship married people have, when the parents get divorced, the children's biggest fantasy is to have parents be together. I feel that children of divorced parents don't do well in the long run either and their chances at a future successful relationship is low. Which is more damaging? Who says that this codependent has the skills to be a single parent? I do understand you are the business to help codependents to become healthy, but it is also at others detriment.
He doesn't advocate for divorce. However, the writing is on the wall. You cannot stay in a relationship That brings you harm and pain.. You cannot teach your children that harm and pain is what their Supposed to do in a relationship. You and your partner can heal and change. You can both work to change a dynamic and create a healthy relationship. If your partner does not want to do the work in order to To change, then You are going to have to be an adult and make the decision. You can use religion as an excuse to Subject yourself to pain and abuse. But you have to take full ownership and acknowledge that that's what you're doing. Personally I'd argue that your marriage is unholy if it is bringing you pain and abuse. And that God would never want you To be harmed. I'd argue that the devil has sent you this evil partner who harms you. If you honestly believe that God wants you to suffer Pain and harm in your marriage, then I would Look to find another God. Because that is a horrific way to live your life.
This is the thing that people who stay married for the sake of the children, don't understand. Children from broken homes do not fare well. Please understand that your home can be broken even though you are not divorced. If you are not modeling healthy love, commitment, communication, Attachment, and affection to your children, then you are creating irreparable harm in their lives. It is better to Show your children what a healthy coparenting relationship looks like, than to show them a toxic marital relationship and have them Think that that is what is normal. This is the exact reason why we keep having generational trauma. The cycle continues because children see the narcissistic parent And the CO dependent parent model dysfunction and then the children go and replicate it in their lives. You are not staying for the children. You are staying for you. You are staying because you are scared. You are staying because you are addicted to the other person. I'm saying because you don't want to heal. You don't have to leave your marriage. You have to model healthy behaviors for your children.
Christianity was shoved down my throat beginning at age 7. It's the perfect shaming and forced adoration tool used in my childhood that reinforced earlier gaslighting (religious narcs love religion and families). I can remember as far back as age 3 the traumas; the memories are still with me, today. My late dad even filmed my mother pushing me down from the top of my head as a toddler when I was trying to walk with her on her way to church. Finally getting all this toxicity out of my life in my 60s, and bought several of your programs, Ross; watching your transformation is my inspiration that I can to do it, too.
Owning our responsibility for our own part in the drama is truly empowering.
What makes you unique is the fact you resolved this for yourself first Ross, that is why you get it and now through a tight framework give to others. Its your own...in every single way. This is service of the highest form.
Yes I agree, quite extraordinary..........
So timely. I’m only just beginning to scrape the surface on this emotional reality after 60 years. Just today I recognized that I was unable to understand or verbalize the impact my loveless childhood had on me and how it is still manifesting in my body. I always forgave my parents because to admit that they were loveless and didn’t protect me was unbearable. I’ve somehow become conscious of this over the past year after multiple painful adult traumas. Much more work to be done. I’m going to read your books and make my therapist aware. Thank you for your work.
I can now put a name to what I have. I grew up with a Narcissistic mother & a quiet father.
I have self love defict disorder.
Now I know why I have to care for others to feel worthwhile...
plus
My fiance had a motorbike accident 2 weeks before our wedding. I stayed with him & never walked away from him.
He wasn't a narcissist like my mother.....he was a quiet man like my father.
I'm only just turning this light that has been turned on by
Dr Rosenburg here today.
I'm not alone & totally crazy.
Excellent video. Having read HMS and Rosenberg’s training some years ago, I would say taking ownership of my perennial attraction to narcissists is the most liberating thing!
Ross you are by far offer THE most value and insight into the root of codependency. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and brilliance
Thank you for your support!
What he talks about here, in saying that clients don't have clear memories and don't know how to get to the trauma, makes me think of Jung's statement that, "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."
It drives everything
He was spittin
How do we get past that wall
I have faced the facts that I as abandoned by my parents. I am so ready to get to the painful unconscious trauma that is still, at 74, impacting me. Let's go for it!
In the time I've researched to self-help this is THE BEST information I've come across. I will continue my healing journey with these tools and would love to eventually help others because this is life changing work. Ty for your expertise. There is hope for true recovery!
Thank you so much Loren. Please consider exploring Ross's resources at: www.selfloverecovery.com/.
This was full of amazing insights for me from the deficiencies of my " broken picker" to understanding about the forceful drive of " pathologcal lonliness".
Talk to your children. You might be surprised they are in favor of you leaving (age appropriate, of course, and not in a way to turn them against a parent.) I was desperate for my mom to leave my dad the disordered one. I wouldn't have said anything as a younger child, or even as a teenager. But when my mom approached me in my teen years and told me she was going to leave the marriage (and take us kids with her), I was beyond thrilled. A bit later, I was able to finally share my feelings about the whole situation. She handled it very carefully and well.
Couldn't agree less.
I agree! I wish my parents had divorced much, much sooner. I could have had a safe place at least during the time I spent with the non-narcissist parent. As it was, I had no safe place, ever.
Wow 👏your amazing, everything you said makes perfect sense, one night I woke up remembering the childhood abuse and I got really depressed kept crying felt so lost, I wasn't ready to remember that its like my mind is hiding things from me
Thanks for sharing. Please consider exploring Ross's resources to help you heal and grow: www.selfloverecovery.com/
Love this, healing warriors. A way out of the powerless, victim mentality. Integration to healthier ways of being. Thank you both, I appreciate the good guy bad guy analogy and insight into our own accountablity for the dance. I agree wholeheartedly, you have to be ready to look, understand and intergrate what surfaces. I am here now and relieved. Thank you again.
You are welcome Maria. Glad this is helpful, "healing warriors".
Amen. I get so sick of hearing codependents cry about being victims.
I feel this is a much needed topic to help ppl understand & with that understanding comes a process to heal. The Faith element is essential as well b/c the Lord provides unconditional love & finding out who you are in Him is key to full success of true healing. Ty for the information & your work.
Nope. That is still not self love. You just used god to cover your codependency
Best explanation i've heard so far, thank you so much.
Great to hear Fiona! Thanks for the support!
I agree. That's really the best description I've heard too. I have been really looking more closely at myself and making more sense of this. I do have PTSD. I've come to know certain triggers. And I am realizing that yes, I only recieved love or my worth was only when i did something that made them happy or fulfill what they thought i should be. Thanks for this video. I ordered my book, hopefully it will arrive soon.
Is there a time to put the 6 hour seminar for free for us poor folk?
Starting at 27:00, there's a plausible explanation of how a child of parents, one who is codependent & the other is narcissist, is faced with two avenues to either also become a narcissist or go silent.
That exact part hit hard didn't it?
Your insights are significant. You’ve made a big difference in my life! 👏💕
I'm so glad Cathy!
This helped me understand so much of the denial I have been afraid to face for so many years. If I could turn back the clock with this knowledge....
It is never too late Jenny...
This is excellent information. Thank you.
How do you find a good therapist for this issue? When I was married, my husband wouldn’t go to therapy so I went myself but they just put me on antidepressants. Of course that didn’t help.
Please take a look at this video: bit.do/Buyersguide, it is also in Audio format and it has a lot of information about how to find the right therapist. I hope it helps!
Dr Rosenberg's work is very helpful.
Self love is a major lack in narcissistic abusive relationships.
It's like existing in a bottomless, endless spin in mud dance.
After years of therapy no mental health professional ever ask me about my childhood. When the “Experts” are not trained on complex ptsd”, where the hell can I find hope about recovery from childhood trauma that I had no say over. It is so hopeless on so many levels.
Hi Faye, thanks for sharing. When looking for a therapist, Ross suggests to search for someone familiar and experienced with addictions, trauma, family systems, CBT, and has a psychodynamic theory and technique. Also, this video may be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/90ik1hzX0xs/v-deo.html
That angers me so much.
Amazing work, so I got divorced, blamedyself for past 3 years, self sabotaged, then my daughter, eldestbece suicidal and self harming, beginning of covid, had an incident with her andy ex sued for sole custody, makes so much sense, but I am afraid she is following her dad's footsteps
7:00 ❤️
12:00 Talks directly to inner child !
Yes. A key to a lock for me...finally have a path to follow...
Yes.
This was absolutely amazing and powerful! Thank you!
So glad!
Iv realised a short time ago
I hd this strange relationship with a Narccastic male & im the last of 8 kids oooh did i go thru every person
He reminded me of the lot of them quite quickly ??? I stuck it out
Iv learnt
Who iam
Im out of his clutches NOW AS IM HEALED more than i was all my life yes the CORE
THANK YOU 🌹🦋🦄
Now that we are away in a safe home how do I parent our daughter so she doesnt follow in her narc father or sld mother's footsteps?
Thankyou do much fir this. Pure gold.
Still Sharing “6” years later.! Thank you 😊
Thanks for your support Stephanie!
Thanks for yours as well.!!!
God did it for me. I couldn't afford to pay for it..a close relationship with God the father imo is the only way for some..therapy is brilliant but a lot of people can't afford it. These videos are exactly what God did for me. He helped me rescue the inner child and bring up to date with me at 52..I realised He was there all along.. It has been a long journey to freedom but I do agree with these techniques. It is almost what God and me did alone. I had nobody
I think this is a really relevant topic not only to individuals but also to the trauma that is coming up for healing for black populations/identities of America.
I’m a retired psychotherapist. What helped me to gain insights about early trauma was undertaking two infant observations in the style of the Tavistock Model.
@@marionclark wow, that's interesting, the way you chose to heal. I'd love to read your book.
Christina Nadja Thank you for your message. Writing the memoirs has been a catalyst and surprised me. This next book is much easier because it’s the story - creative non-fiction. Best wishes to you.
Dr. Rosenberg, I watched an older video of yours on attachment trauma. I find your videos so healing and informative. I’m 63 y/o and have always attracted Narcissists due to co-dependency. I have spent the last 4 years alone to connect with myself and focus on family and just learn to be alone. The intense pain from loneliness still exists within me though when I’m alone. I see my family a couple times a month as time permits. After 4 years I still have that gut-wrenching pain when I am alone with myself. I feel it goes back to the attachment trauma I experienced. What are your recommendations for me to get past this?
Dear Jennifer, thank you for your comment. The best we can do is to guide you to learn more. Ross has a blog with a lot of free information: humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog/ and then his website: www.selfloverecovery.com/.
Can i say similaritys are HUGE
Jennifer, how are you doing? It’s one year later that I found your comment. I’m wanting to ask you if your faith is of any help in this process?
Thanks Ross, you are the man! I’ve always wondered where my problems originated from because I always remembered having a great up bringing. Now that I’m aware of disassociated memories, maybe my brain has hidden them from me, yet my subconscious is well aware and is what triggers my anxiety and addictions. This is all so fascinating.
I hear 'ya.
This is so helpful and explains so much.💝
Glad it was helpful!
perfect resonance
I'm 58, does it even matter anymore? My challenge is too get help without money and also find a therapist that even knows as much as I do about this evil family dynamic...Bring me home Lord. I'm ready.
Go to the personal development school. It is $67 a month. I cured the defective Feeling that I'd been walking around with for 40 years of my life, In less than a week.
If you know of any councillors in Sou West Nova Scotia,Canada,please let me know.I have your new book.Five years out of my second marriage, first wasn’t different.I’m doing a study through a church called CR.I’m so ready to do the work.Even with you if we can fly ever again.We communicated a few years back regarding your weekend retreats😊
Hi Carole! Unfortunately, we cannot recommend a specific therapist. When looking for a therapist, Ross suggests to search for someone familiar and experienced with addictions, trauma, family systems, CBT, and has a psychodynamic theory and technique. Hope this helps! Hope we can meet in a retreat one day!
Thank you for talking about this ❤️🤗🙌🙏
Interesting and so informative allowing for radical healing ~ Thank you from the Colorado Rocky mountains...
Thank you for your support!
So good.
That’s what happened to me- I could feel my husbands b4 I even thought of my own. I was always LOST... 😔 I was always WORE OUT.!!!
Here I am one year after a year long very deep dive into this topic and how it has impacted me and my family and it has ultimately settled on my spouse.
I have found through my father's terminal illness how codependent he was and how much I am living that role.
I am trying to figure out how to maneuver through this so I can safely help my family and myself.
Ross, Can you please share with us what your specific major trauma event was-as an example of a major traumas (which isn’t molestation, or outright physical beatings)-that could cause such cordoning off of memories by the amygdala for those of us who can’t remember our major traumatic event(s)?
Or, would you mind sharing an hypothetical list of such traumas-which are not specifically sexual abuse or physical abuse?
As the child of a narcissistic parent who remembers life changing for the whole family after his father got fired, grew depressed, then within 5-years dad had became me a hoarder (spreading all sorts of toxic shame, poor self image issues, & self-loathing & self-sabotaging thoughts)-I really struggle with what’s mine, what’s my father’s, & what iare the issues of other people that get projected in to me (that I should otherwise attribute to being “their issues”). I have a tendency to accept 100% blame, or apologize, or extend an olive branch when others never would-& I do it too often (as well as other mal-adapted thought & behavior patterns). Thank you!!
Hi Jason, this other video may be helpful with that question: ua-cam.com/video/hZF0f2oMjI8/v-deo.html Thanks for the support.
Oh Ross! Brilliant! I needed to hear this. Heartfelt thanks!
You are so welcome Marion, glad it was helpful!
Powerful information. I have been working on healing or two years. I cried twice listening to this. Thank you! I went no contact with my covert NF and have a narcissist husband.
I relate about the knee-jerk reaction. For instance, so eone asked me how an ex-friend of mine was doing and when I responded, I responded somewhat angrily, which offended that person who asked and they looked at me like Inwas crazy. I didn't intend to respond that way, but it came out that way. I’ve had other instances like this as well.
When you say we're compelled to be in this chaotic interaction.. that's where you are reiterating what you described as gaslighting addiction. My understanding is that this owes its roots in active conditioning of your thought patterns for a significant amount of time to be encoded as an unconscious pattern which is foreign to your innate system but which you have internalized.. that's why it's so diabolical n dangerous.. because it's programmed in you.. I'm sure a lot of people don't realise that for decades they don't have resources or they have absolutely no idea that it happened and something is wrong.. they are damned because they don't know..
All this is so disturbing to analyse it's a loss of your identity which could be irreversible for a lot of people.. when this started in my life I hung on to my courage and inner guidance..but I can tell you that it was just in the nick of time by the grace of God I pulled myself out of it n went no contact.. after I realised that I had morphed into a bad copy of myself..
You Ross.. are saving lives by your work. God bless you. Keep it up.🙏🙏❤️❤️
Listening in 2020.. I can't remember most of my childhood.. it's fuzzy at best..I only became aware of the Narcissist/Codependent dynamic in the last two years..How does one heal what you can't consciously recall?
Reverse diagnosis.
This is so true and complex. And what if the parents divorce and the child stays with their narc mother? In my country, the children will typically stay with their mothers by decision of a court of law, specially if they are small, under the age of 12. So, they are now less protected than when they were with narcissist mother and co-dependent father. Because we often associate narc with male and codependent with female, but I know many cases where it's the opposite. I wonder, would divorce still be the best option for these children if it is their narcissist mother to keep them? Thank you.
Wow. The experts will have to answer that one. I had a covert narc mom and a codependent father. Neither was very enlightened. IDK which one I would have been better off with. As it was, I grew up in the house with both of them under sever abandonment. At 74 I am just starting to get free. Every little bit feels very good.
Honestly, I think you're better off with a narcissist parent. If you're raised by narcissistic parents, you tend to be highly functioning because You got praise for performance. You might be a workaholic. You might chase money and professional accolades etc.
People raised by codependent parents are usually raised really permissively. This results an entitlement, lazines, lack of respect for authority, entitlement, laziness, Failure to launch, and a host of other maladaptive behaviors that make it very difficult for you function as an adult.
The narcissist parent wont let you sit around and be unproductive because you will reflect poorly on them. The codependent parent wants you to be unproductive, so you are dependent on them and they feel needed.
Just my two cents though.
Dr. Rosenberg, I’m a recovering SLD mom of a 3 year old daughter. How do I parent her so she doesn’t become a SLD or a narc like by husband? No UA-cam videos on this topic.
This post may resonate with you: humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog/passing-codependency-baton-codependency-narcissism-moves-forward-generationally/
I was 3,5 years old!
Do you have referrals of any councillors from Halifax NS,I could drive there.So want to work through my trauma😊🙏
The video is amazing but the problem is there are people who can‘t afford to make a therapy to pay a good therapist.
Yes..Deny Thyself but Fulfill Others. Raised by a Single Momnw/ 6 kids all a year apart ..We moved Alot.amd Ahe worked alot. We were to be Seen nut Not Heard. Don't speak up.amd don't dare disreapect nor challenge your Elders. Not to mention the sexual abuse by a brother and a mother who discovred this and said "SHE Can't Talk About It". Forget about Me bc She couldn't handle it. I was experiencing Severe Panic and Social Anxiety Disorder at 14 and was told to Toughen Up and keep going. Very Emotionally Detached Mother. No Huhs, No I Love Yous, No discussions on Female things growing up
Not until we were all much older than she would say I Love You and she was Grateful bc I helped her with her stuff as she got old. We Never discussed Anything deep bc She Shut Down when my Dad left (drunken abuser thay hit and tormented Mom but not us kids. We Never saw nor hears from him again. So much more to tell but that's the jist of it. I've been horrible at picking men and am 58 amd single now for 6 years. Happy but Lonely (at times).
Thank you amd God Bless
Ross. With two covert narcissistic ex spouses my now adult children are totally conflicted and confused. The emotional mom was the problem via parental alienation....now what?
Is what I’m hearing you say, that I resented both my parents and was able to talk about why somewhat with my sld parent means I don’t have repressed trauma in this regard?
I can tell you what happens when a codependant/ empath parent leaves the narcissist. The narcissist gets the children at least in the state Georgia. The kids hate the empath parent the boys become tramma bonded narcissist and the girls become self harming co defendants to the narcissist.
NPD and BPD parent. Do you have an analysis.
What about the use of HUMOR, and SILLINESS to break the cycle?
I look forward to your video, on Monday. THANKS H
Is EMDR good for HITCH?
Yes, I have had EMDR& it can help immensely, it brings stuff up which can be scary but I'm better off for it.
Scape goat!!
I was not aware that I was codependent, so how could I be responsible?
my parents told me they were fixed up by a cousin....truth be told they both had alcoholics in both their families and they refused to talk openly about this. i bought into being the problem chld all of which i wasnt. i just was picking up onmy dads anxiety..my dad vomited every ingle morning before work. no one wanted to talk about his eating disorder either.
Great help and info, but poor sound quality
Glad it was helpful and sorry about the sound. We keep trying to improve Ross's mic. 🙂
I’m having a hard time finding a therapist that is helpful, I don’t want to just talk! I want to do the work to get healthy! How do I find a trauma therapist?
Hi Stephanie, when looking for a therapist, Ross suggests to search for someone familiar and experienced with addictions, trauma, family systems, CBT, and has a psychodynamic theory and technique. Also, this video may be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/90ik1hzX0xs/v-deo.html
Is there a timestamp for what Hitch does and how we do it? I'm 2/3 in and it's all good content, but I still wonder what to do...!(?)
Watched it all. Don't know what to do. Seemed like general information to me. Okay, there is HITCH, but what do I do?
This is just a preview of the almost 6-hours video seminar. If you are interested please visit Ross's website at: www.selfloverecovery.com/
How does one find a therapist that guide one through the HITCH method?
Hi Jason. When looking for a therapist, Ross suggests to search for someone familiar and experienced with addictions, trauma, family systems, CBT, and has a psychodynamic theory and technique. Also, this video may be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/90ik1hzX0xs/v-deo.html
Dr. Ross, how can i get treatment from you?
Please send an email to help@selfloverecovery.com to be placed on the waiting list.
It would seem to me that more therapists should be better trained prior to receiving their titles and licenses. Going into a therapist's office and finding it necessary to censure one's life experiences is not the best situation.
8 years ago I saw a very nice and helpful counselor however when I told her I think a divorce is best she scrunched her face up and said " Awww, you really want to do that???" She was catholic and that skewed her view. Present day: 8 years later I found a lot of horrific cheating behavior that involved sex rings and prostituting himself and others , even at 62. My 26 years with him was a horrible abusive mess. I confronted him and 1 hour later I was in cuffs being sectioned for saying " I wanted to kill myself and did drugs" . I was held in an unsafe, local hospital that was so insanely run, I was put on a gurney against the nurses station for 72 hours and was held against my will based on a LIE. None of my regular blood pressure meds and other meds I take were given to me the whole time, the kind you can't just stop were held., Especially 4 doses a day of blood pressure meds I've been on for 10years. There's nonmask wearing traumatic brain injury people lined up freaking out , singing hymns in Creole, screaming people, violent people,drunk etc as it was labor day weekend 2020. 24/7 for 3 days. Florescent lights, cops, traffic, food carts banging into my bed. Nurses and doctors condescending, rude and emotionally abusive to us all. I slept about 4 hours in 3 days. Just got out 4 days ago. I was NOT suicidal or on drugs but they had the right to hold me because of ONE PHONE CALL & family dysfunction and kids taking sides. I have no history of suicidal Ideation. So in 3 days I lost my kids, the narc, ( good thing). Talk about being discarded when they are done with you or you're no longer useful to them. He has 3 kids, 2 with me. At 62 the only people he has that talk to him are our kids and 1 friend. Burns everyone he crosses and it's usually a messy end. I'm a nurse and they called in a elder abuse claim too. Unreal. I don't abuse him, they said I verbally abuse him. No shit I was a normal woman reacting to horrific perverted infidelities and saying horrific stuff about me sexually and so many intimate things.Found tons of accounts online but he pretends he is cell phone illiterate. I hung on 26 years for this bullshit, and kept him out of a nursing home by taking care of him at home for 10 years cuz his body and liver is shot from years of drug abuse. I convinced myself I was staying to spare my kids of him destroying them eventually. They'd be stuck with him if I left. But now I have no choice , I'm homeless and jobless and carless, this is where I ended up. I gave to have police escort to get clothes and stuff. It was a blessing in disguise or I never would have gotten out. There's so so much more but the moral is: Don't cross them, it's not worth it, they are sick sick soulless beings and now at 57 I'm learning to care for me. Not sure how but I'm trying. The fact I told my primary doc and therapist years ago what I was going through helped me explain myself to the freaking zoom interview I had with some crisis therapist that heard me and understood narcs and sociopaths and believed I wasn't suicidal. There's never gonna be justice or closure or anything. Get out ASAP!!! I never ever thought he was " this bad". Tell your doctor's get it documented.
@@maryannslatteryburrows7228 That's mighty big of you to warn others. The best of good fortune to you.
What about countertransference?
Ross, l live in a small town in Australia, one would be hard put to find a therapist with basic skill or understanding of traumas, CPTSD etc let alone that have any idea how to approach therapy, can you point me in a direction of where to find this support in aust?. I have a huge amount of insight into my past and figure that the only option left now is to try to delve deeper on my own, are there exceptions to your recommendation that this not be done alone? Thank you
Please send us an email to help@selfloverecovery.com
..but what if the other parent is not a co dependent , but nevertheless can't leave
Prayer works
its interesting how this is so pervasive in our society. Its a much bigger problem. Seems men have to be taught to be narcissistic to cope with the business world. Our society is feeding these dysfunctional disconnections to make money. We must also see the social pressure that supports this to neutralize ourselves to its magnetism
frozen:
just know i realized the rape what i had puched away actually. happened 10 jear ago. mentioned last jear with my psycholoog. (recouver PTsT)
14.27 frozen what does not surptise me any way
A redditor recommended a book called Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel. Never heard of it so I did some research. Based on my little research, the hot mess I came across is astronomical, I couldn’t look any further. First of all this guy doesn’t believe in marriage counseling, according to him: Fertel says that traditional approaches to mending a broken marriage -- like marriage counseling -- are ineffective because of their emphasis on listening, rather than doing.
He also believes: "Sometimes expressing your feelings can be very hurtful to the other person," he says. "[People ask,] 'But shouldn’t I be honest about my feelings?' If honestly expressing your feelings is hurtful to the other person, it’s not honest; it’s stupid, it’s insensitive, and it’s damaging to the relationship."
So far my reaction has been A. WTF?! and B. Has this guy every met a narcissist? Better question, is he the narcissist?
Here are his “Unconventional Marriage Tips from Mort Fertel”
*•Go it alone:* "Most people think, 'I need my spouse to work with me to fix our marriage.' But it does not take two to tango. One person's effort can change the momentum of a marriage, and very often, it's that effort that motivates the obstinate spouse to join in the process of saving the relationship."
*•The wrong question:* Many people wonder, “Did I marry the right person?” But that’s the wrong question. The key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found. Love is not a mystery. Just as there are physical laws of the universe - like gravity- there are also relationship laws that, depending on your behavior, dictate the outcome of your marriage. You don’t have to be “lucky in love.” It’s not luck; it’s choice.
*•Absence does not make the heart grow fonder:* That might have been true in junior high school when you went away for the summer. But in marriage, particularly in a broken marriage, absence separates people. It creates distance, the opposite of what we’re trying to achieve, which is closeness.
*•Don’t talk about your problems:* Talking about the problems in a marriage doesn’t resolve them; it makes them worse. It leads to arguments and bad will. Besides, you’ll never talk yourself out of a problem that you behaved yourself into. Marriages change because people change. Say little; do much. Speak in the vocabulary of your actions. New choices resolve marital problems. Discussions do not.
*•Don’t think marriage counseling is the answer:* Marriage counseling does not work in most situations. The success rate is dismal. Most couples report being worse off after marriage counseling. One of the reasons relates to point 4 above.
*•Don’t talk to family or friends about your situation:* One of the most important values in a marriage is privacy; therefore, it’s a mistake to talk about your marriage or your spouse to family or friends. It’s a violation of your spouse’s privacy and it’s wrong.
Excuse my language but what the f**k did I just read? These tips are dangerous and could get someone in a domestic abuse killed. Dr. Rosenberg, we’d love hear your expert opinion on this.
So there's no hope for the narcissist really 😢
There's always something more that one has to do. Another book, another therapy, another course. I have spent thousands on therapy. It's just disheartening.
No! Don't quit. Don't give up. I'm 74, ill and am just getting started. I am just learning why I grew up in a fog all my life. I always felt like I was watching the world from inside a glass cage. I could not break out. But after these videos, I am seeing a glimmer of light. It is already like a breath of fresh air and a drink of spring water. Come on to that well of spring water with the rest of us. Please.
How did you ever get the knowledgeable about this terrible condition called narcissistic personality disorder. I mean were you brought up in a family where there was a lot of bickering and fighting or was there an alcoholic in your family? I have a mother that was distant.. but I have a father that had a bad temper so if my mother complained about me I would get a good strapping for my dad he was a workaholic after they both died I became codependent because I had no siblings and no one to turn to and that was crazy. Seriously if you don't have family and your young girl and your early teens or your late teens and everything starts falling apart you gravitate to the wrong people and heck you don't know who these people are all you know is that you lost your family and you just need love. I didn't realize how cruel and mean the world was until I was out on my own. It's a lot of nutcases out here in this world. I never seen fighting or swearing in my family I mean it was a really lovely family to tell you the truth it's just said I didn't get much affection from my mother and my dad not being home much during the day I did see him everyday at supper time and on the weekends but you know years ago people used to work like crazy on the farm or they used to work all day from sunrise to sunset so they didn't have time for family I'm glad I didn't come from a big family I can imagine the emotional neglect. So I don't know who was the narcissist in my family my mother or my father I know my mother would never spank me but her father was a real nutcase and my father was quick-tempered I'm never really available for me that much however he did show affection he did say I love you and he was a good father to brought him good food but his life was without a mother and a brother who died when he was borned cuz he had a twin brother. In the old days people were Workaholics. So I was just wondering how did you learn all about this. You must have had some experience growing up as a a kid with a parent that was dysfunctional
Please keep listening to all Ross's videos. Please read his books. They reveal the answers you are looking for--very interesting too.
Freud’s idea of ‘acting out’.
Those who folow observe don't absorb and don't give + or- energy to the drama people.
Great... Can't heal because I can't afford years of therapy. This was a waste
I guess when we, USA, get universal healthcare then more people can become healthy mentally
That will never happen. We gotta stick with UA-cam
I feel like you are advocating divorce. There is no other way for codependent person? Do you allow for religious reasons to not divorce? What do you tell these people? A serious Christian knows that God hates divorce. Is the way the narcissist treats the codependent considered abuse? You say this is a shared problem and that these combined relationships are harmful to children. I don't care what kind of relationship married people have, when the parents get divorced, the children's biggest fantasy is to have parents be together. I feel that children of divorced parents don't do well in the long run either and their chances at a future successful relationship is low. Which is more damaging? Who says that this codependent has the skills to be a single parent? I do understand you are the business to help codependents to become healthy, but it is also at others detriment.
He doesn't advocate for divorce. However, the writing is on the wall. You cannot stay in a relationship That brings you harm and pain.. You cannot teach your children that harm and pain is what their Supposed to do in a relationship.
You and your partner can heal and change. You can both work to change a dynamic and create a healthy relationship. If your partner does not want to do the work in order to To change, then You are going to have to be an adult and make the decision.
You can use religion as an excuse to Subject yourself to pain and abuse. But you have to take full ownership and acknowledge that that's what you're doing. Personally I'd argue that your marriage is unholy if it is bringing you pain and abuse. And that God would never want you To be harmed. I'd argue that the devil has sent you this evil partner who harms you.
If you honestly believe that God wants you to suffer Pain and harm in your marriage, then I would Look to find another God. Because that is a horrific way to live your life.
This is the thing that people who stay married for the sake of the children, don't understand. Children from broken homes do not fare well. Please understand that your home can be broken even though you are not divorced.
If you are not modeling healthy love, commitment, communication, Attachment, and affection to your children, then you are creating irreparable harm in their lives. It is better to Show your children what a healthy coparenting relationship looks like, than to show them a toxic marital relationship and have them Think that that is what is normal.
This is the exact reason why we keep having generational trauma. The cycle continues because children see the narcissistic parent And the CO dependent parent model dysfunction and then the children go and replicate it in their lives.
You are not staying for the children. You are staying for you. You are staying because you are scared. You are staying because you are addicted to the other person. I'm saying because you don't want to heal.
You don't have to leave your marriage. You have to model healthy behaviors for your children.