No Contact - Borderline Personality Disorder Subsets and Differences | Coach Ken
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- Опубліковано 28 тра 2023
- Coaching call with Coach Ken: realcoachken.com/
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a complex mental health condition characterized by intense emotional swings, unstable relationships, and a distorted self-image. When it comes to relationships, those with BPD often face unique challenges and may exhibit very intense and eventually contradictory reactions throughout the relationship. This can be more confusing depending on the type (subset) of BPD you're dealing with and the background of the people involved. This video is designed to help you identify and react with someone wrestling with BPD as well as helping you decide if your want to reconcile and win your ex back or if you're ready to move on, but aren't certain how to recover from the addictive almost obsessive level of connection associated with being in love with someone dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder.
it's the disorder of the self fulfilling prophecy
Broke no contact after 32 days of it. Went on a trip and was reminded of so many memories that it just overwhelmed me. This is honestly my first breakup mistake I’ve made and while it was wrong to break no contact, it helped me reflect and see my ex for who they are in the moment and not the idealized version in my head. I’ve gone back into no contact but this time I’m much more accepting of the possibility of moving on.
Great, don't do it again
I made the same mistake. There's still so much love and passion between us. But his dark side emerges everytime we're together now. It's literally dangerous. So I'm holding to limited, non romantic contact. (He whines if I block him to save my broken heart and my sanity.)
This is the hardest thing I've faced in my rather hard life...
Same same same same same. Great comment and great replies
**Narcacists weaponizing the silent treatment**:
"Is tHiS gOInG nO cONTaCt?!?!"
Could you believe that my BPD girlfriend left me when I was mourning my uncle’s death!!! She showed no empathy or mercy! How evil these ppl could be! I blocked here everywhere! I learned the hard lesson!
Man you described the girl I had a situationship with for 3 months! It was very intense and ended in an instant. I accepted too much disrespect because i thought I could help her and wanted to stay eventhough she was scared i would leave
She believed I would leave her eventually when I knew who she really was
You got lucky getting out of it so
@@MrGavinore yeah guess you're right
Did you guys do it?
@@Jay-kk3dv yes
She reached out to me lat night. The last we had spoken on the phone was about a month ago. She needed space 3 months ago. We talked for almost 3 hours. She apologized for what she had put me through... told me that she misses me and has been wanting to reach out for some time but didnt know how to go about it. I told her I was thinking about letting her know that I dont want to be there for someone who does not want me in their life. She then tells me she has been going to therapy twice a week for a couple months now! I am going into this "in the moment" and a bit apprehensive. I do not want this cycle to go on repeat...
She's a parasite. Let her go
it will. take care 🙌
@@OctavianDinulica I have decided to be a friend to her. She is now dating a guy she used to date almost 20 years ago.... good luck to them!!
@@robdittes5228Unfortunately friendship to them is just keeping you on the back burner, I'm no contact at the moment after hearing this I will never break that. Good luck in the future buddy ❤
@@OctavianDinulicalol
I had a friend with BPD… constant push and pull. Hot and cold. I noticed when I started sticking up for myself it either when two ways , I’d either get crocodile tears or retaliation. I’ve been no contact for two months and as of yesterday a mutual friend said that my ‘friend’ is dragging my name through the mud saying I am the manipulator, and nobody should get close to me and said I’m ‘basically the devil.’ I haven’t cussed at them , yelled or put them down. During our disputes I kept calm and collected. The most I’ve ever said was ‘please leave me alone.’ Or ‘I need to be left alone.’ And told them they were pushy in a time of blunt honesty from them overwhelming me with constant texts and calls and questioning where my loyalty sat when it was clear as day where my feelings and emotions sat…. Hearing that I’m now this horrible person really threw me off and has been mind boggling so thank you for this informational video. You’ve helped me see more clearly and inspired me to take the steps of staying no contact. 💙
My ex wife has this entire mother daughter conflict. It's scary how she is trauma bonded to her mom and how her mom can dictate and destroy her entire life.
WoW!! Yep
The moma vampire is the creator of the daughter vampire. Just like in the horror movies. Hell has a hyarchy.
@@kengaroo5170 yep
Dude it's like you know her. So spot on. We went from forever to her being gone in a matter of hours. Im on 10 days of NC and it's killing me.
Stay strong - don't rationalize or allow yourself to step into her warped view of reality or the reframed version of you
Borderline here. You are amazing. Nailed it.
Which one are you i think im the malignant type
Can't you help having a stable relationship if you like listen to this video every day?
What you said 13 min in is so true and something I’ve strongly felt. If we despite being treated so poorly and cruelly still love and care then the respect from the BPD does NOT increase but decrease because if we were their “dream partner” then we’d never put up with the abuse. If we do then we are losers, have no self respect, are co-dependent and only obsessed and insecure and not loving at all. Only solution is to love them but with extremely strong boundaries and detach emotionally or love them from a distance .
Very well said!
Exactly! By putting up with their abuse in order to prove we're in it for the long haul, no matter what...the opposite outcome is achieved where the pwbpd sees us not as a rock, but as a desperate, pathetic and weak loser with low self esteem and unable to find someone better since we've proven to them we do not deserve respect. In short, staying through abuse makes us equal to (perhaps consciously and subconsciously) feces in their eyes.
Took me awhile but in the end I embraced my self worth. I walked away and never looked back! Despite the stalking and hovering. No more chances. I deserve and will get better!
Wow this was exactly her! I wanted to do no contact to get her back but now that I look back she matched every single signs of BPD! I now look at no contact as a way to get over her! Thank you!
A lot of Bordelines really fits disorganized/ fearful avoidant attachment. Approach avoidance repetition compulsion. Sam Vaknins borderline bible on UA-cam is a great resource for mechanics. I should probably book a session since my gf has been doing this for months since my gramma died :(.
Sorry to hear you're going through that - Yes - Vaknin has great content and insight. Let me know if I can be of any use. Thank you for the comment!
What would this even look like?
Oh my…I feel like Neo opening his eyes after getting the “Borderline” data package installed. My ex is definitely borderline. Now I’m almost scared of her coming back during NC because I feel liked we’d end up together and that would end up being a nightmare in the long run. Maybe I’ll break NC to self sabotage myself on purpose 😂
over the years i was able to literally feel the difference in her emotions based on her facial expressions and demeanor, and every time i knew i was about to be in for a bad time
Like some primal early warning defense systme. It's true-and the impact they leave on you gives you some of the same hyper-aware reactions that scarred them when they were too young to process what they were feeling.
Spot on!! I can read it when it’s about to happen too then I’m in for it
I felt it about three days prior this time. Back to no contact once I get my things back. My self esteem has really taken a hit again . Master manipulators who just want attention even if it means behaving badly
So helpful! Thanks Coach Ken! My ex is the petulant. Your description is 100% spot on. My ex is now in a new relationship after I made myself too available to get back together. We were together 4.5 years and in NC for 3 months before he split me and quickly jumped into the new relationship. Your videos on Borderline have helped me not destroy my self esteem, realizing there is nothing I could do to change the outcome. Until he realizes he’s broken, he’ll keep repeating the pattern. I’m now working on my codependent nature, so I don’t repeat my toxic patterns of staying in the relationship too long and/or accepting him back after ghosting and discard. Thank you!!
Thank you for sharing your story and for the meaningful encouragement! Stay strong! You have the right mindset but the emotions and sense of resilience wavers from time to time so don't let those moments rock you
@@CoachKen
You might find it interesting that there is nothing on UA-cam (at least that I could find) for stakeholder-third-parties who are concerned and disrupted by their loved ones who get entangled with narcissists.
I have daughters with narcissistic partners and i want to intervene especially since they have children who are being affected and the partners have ruptured my relationship and access to the families.
It’s devastating and one day will be treated as criminal abuse. One UA-camr advising partners of narcissist to move on explicitly says don’t expose the narcissist.
No wonder the epidemic of Western narcissistic cases and culture is out of hand and the planet is accelerating to destruction while narcissistic power is not addressed.
I’m thinking the concerned UA-cam audience of stakeholders is looking for content - where the two in the relationship most often don’t even know to look or avoid it. Yet all the content is made for the trauma bonded parties.
Maybe you can give stakeholder-third-parties advise on how to navigate?
@kmahersh01 is there I way I can talk to you? I feel like we are the same
You are amazing Ken, thank you for the great video.
Wow. Calling it like it is in a nice direct way. I like it. Keep going
I needed this knowledge 5 months ago. This is spot on with my relationship, me being the poetic warrior archetype. It's been so stressful for me, but at the same time it makes me sad to see my love struggle so much emotionally. I can't imagine the chaos in her mind ☹️
Best advice on dealing with BPD breakup. Thanks much!
Did I have a Discouraged BPD partner? She has BPD; that's not the question. She rejected me last year, ended up with a guy that she likely got with before we broke up (who doesn't treat her all that well), hoovered me months later by telling me how superior I am to him, strung me along with promises to leave him and resurrect a relationship with me, insisted that she wanted me back because I connected with her in special ways that no other man had, then discarded me when her ongoing relationship with the other guy got to be too much for me to bear. She flipped from adoring my efforts and feelings and seeking my companionship again, to saying that she didn't want a relationship because I was "obsessed," as indicated by me showing that I was hurt by her behaviors with him. I believe that she discarded me quickly to avoid being confronted about her actions, because losing me would feel less painful than feeling shamed or rejected, which is what she expected would happen if we talked about her behaviors with him. So she wrote me a manifesto about how the failure of our "relationship" was my fault, how she actually never really wanted the relationship with me at all (and how it was all me trying to develop one with her), and that she had determined that I'm not of sufficient partner quality to continue with. Ironically, that leaves her back with the POS who treats her cavalierly. Clingy, dependent, seeking identity from her partner, expectation of being shamed and rejected, "you think you're awesome and I'm awful," taking the path of least resistance through intimate relationships rather than the more fulfilling one...Discouraged BPD?
"obsessed," Damn, how many times did I hear my externalized ex gf wBPD say I was obsessed with her time and time again when I was setting boundaries especially...the word "obsessed" must be part of their most basic patterned syntax...then there was the constant "after intercourse" position she took saying that she was forced to have sex with me or that there was no sexual compatibility between us although she often initiated sex between us mostly. Sex does not happen unless the woman chooses, otherwise it is a crime. But many women with BPD are so self-absorbed into solipsistic, victimhood that their behaviors are not even considered.
I’m only learning about boarderline in the last couple
months. It is so weird watching all of these yt vids & hearing about intimate details of my own life from strangers. At the same time it’s refreshing, liberating, empowering to look back see all points along the axis of our relationship together seeing the commonalities, triggers, highs & lows & now understanding why it never mattered what i did it was always going to be not good enough.
Question: My gf who has moved out 1.5mo ago has been seeing a counsellor for awhile but seems to only have reinforced her “devaluing” of me. I have definitely been on wrong end of the smear campaign. Where/how do i navigate from here. Literally our time together she would never take advice from me, it’s difficult when u see someone making mistakes to not give them advice but i have always been “tuned out”. We have young kids together & i am just not sure where to go from here.
Her counsellor has experience with trauma but clearly not BPD.
“I’m the older male taking advantage & manipulating the younger woman”.
Anything suggested by me would be met with pure disdain & defiance just like many of the traits suggest.
Masterpiece as usual , coach , you are a real guru , love ❤️ from Australia 🇦🇺
This is the best video on UA-cam. This man is enlightened.
HOLY SMOKES! Coach Ken, Once again you nailed it!
You must have a crystal ball and looked into my relationship of 8 years. She did and said all those things. I had a counselor warn my about 3 years in,but I was in denial. And, yes I had let her know I was ready for marriage … she bolted . She literally said she doesn’t feel worthy of me.
Oh and yeah, I’m a “Poetic Warrior”WOW !!!
Thanks Walker! Mental hug!
Thanks for this. Too many things are spot on... this i will have to listen to again. Finally someone who not only understands but gives advice as to how to respond. Sony videos out there diagnosing this terrible terrible thing but no one really says hey. Do this when they do that. So thank you for being bold enough to state qn action plan for those of us that are left an absolute confusion and heartbreak not even knowing whatever went wrong. After hearing accusations that are mind-blowing .. at least this gives some direction as to how to move forward. Thank you again
Absolutely bang on coach Ken
Thanks Kula!
Mail in the head man! You defined our entire relationship to a T. She hovered me back after 5 months but I know too much now. Feels way too good being myself again!
One of the best, if not best video’s on borderline and dealing with borderline ex’s I’ve seen. Your insight is incredible Ken. Thanks a bunch!! 🙏
This was so helpful, thank you so much! It gives me strength to move on and never look back.
Thanks!!! this made allot clear... best description if have seen .....time to to move on.... jumped in with both legs after the first break up... itsc ary how accurate you described the process
This video and the ''Uncertain Breakup'' one surmise perfectly what I went through, but she was diagnosed Bipolar Type 2. It seems Bipolar Disorder and BPD/NPD share a lot of similarities when the Bipolar patient enters a manic/hypomanic state. Thank you for these videos, you're pretty concise in your manner of speech, what you're doing is real mental healing.
This is bag on gave me real comfort , i love this woman but a lot of what you have said is bang on. Im remaining her friend and will be there for her just not as i was time for ME ... thanks man.
Thank you for all the hours of studying you've done to be of service to us. Much appreciated
Thank you for your videos coach. My heart is bleeding. I can’t afford to book sessions with you. So these UA-cam videos are all I have
I've wathced dozens of experts in the cluster b disorders, because I have been struggling after a divorce from a borderline. This is the most helpful video that I have seen hands down. Thank you sir so much for sharing your insight. You are tuly helping people heal. You have already helped me tremendously
Just subscribed!💯❤️ hit hard at 4:42 🤯 “child with a child” mom was 15 in a small-town mentality moving around them the final stop 🚫 my uncle, aunt and two cousins 😞only only now narrowing it down the BPD😊 …..besides that lets carry on with the video 👍
I wish I seen this video when it came out, it would have helped me so much when i was dating my ex
Thank you for this explanation. I have been seriously very confused at times what I was dealing with. I have been researching this personality type because I love someone with borderline. It only got worse. I digress. 😔
Great video Ken!
KIMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!! (inna houyse)
Thank you so much for this information! I wished I had known this sooner but at least I know now, before I've lost all my self worth.
It will come back!
This video is a fantastic resource. Thanks coach. I won’t/can’t take her back.
you've nailed it sir !!! Every word was like seeing her in front of me
Thanks Rebelaris!
I am the poet commandeer seeker of justice. What you described points per points is EXACTLY how it unfolded for the past almost 3 years now. Her mother is like that too, evolved, more mature but trauma bonded for sure.
I don't want my ex back, unfortunately. I look after my ex's (her) 2 kids at the school I work for. Ik she's asked them about me, whatever I say to them everyday. Either way I can't go "no contact" to save my life. Not that it'll work against a BPD but I have told them to tell her not to ask about me. Idc for her anymore, not after she cheated on me then discarded me after I caught her "cheating". She's an untreated BPD who's narcissist mother is engulfed in her life. There is no chance it would've ever worked out between us.
if shes asking her kids about you. i guess no contact is working for you.
Omg 😳 same situation just lil different?I just broke up with my bpd spouse who I was with for 15yrs we have triplets together which a product of her cheating on me but we tell everyone was done thru envitro 😕we actually were broken up at the time then got bak together n then found she was pregnant n she was going get rid of them just be with me was alrdy looking clinic but I didn’t want her to resentment me for it plus she was b4 that looking up clinic for having a baby together so I told her I didn’t want her to do it n she always told me their are kids which I took n raised mostly me cuz she always sick it tired but thru out the years she has cheated more than once n i still went bak but long story short she left she was done with our relationship b4 I even left? Felt all I was there for was help? And she accused me n would always believe her fukd up head then in return cheat on if thinks I’m cheating?!smh it’s messed untreated as well!
Been in a push, pull relationship with a possible BPD woman for almost 2 years. I sound like the 3rd type of guy. I was willing to try anything within reason and nothing was ever enough. If I wasn't directly in front of her, she thought I was doing something wrong. What was considered wrong just wasn't fair or obtainable. I love her and her son so very much, but she just can't handle how being with me makes her feel. I hope she gets the help, because she deserves a happy life. She has an amazing heart.
Thank you for being one of the few people who hope for the best for someone with a disorder. The cruelty pwBPD get on UA-cam is very sad. No one would treat anyone else with an illness or disorder so horrible. And, pwBPD never has a right to be mean, angry and manipulative way outside any norm either. There is effective treatment.
@@wendi2819 My ex also had BPD traits, but refused treatment, and refused to acknowledge she did what she was clearly doing (she said she wasn't jealous, manipulative, paranoid, volatile, etc.). It's sad when you love someone and see they are destroying the relationship but you can't do anything about it. There is effective treatment but sometimes they don't want it, because they feel if they recognize they have a problem they will lose the moral leverage they use to manipulate you.
I’m glad you added at the second part that the pwBPD doesn’t have the right…. Now, hear this objectively - separate yourself not as the person w BPD but someone onlooking with knowledge of the actions of pwBPD. and how that is affecting, causing destruction and destabilization for the other party. How can BPD not be manipulative , push pull, not communicate their psychological disturbances, lie about their true intentions of priority in the relationship which ARE dishonest, selfish, pushing boundaries, playing mind games, and much worse? The can’t. They do not belong in any relationship with a non-cluster B person.
It destroys our life. We loose earning power our dre ams, suffer loss, incur trauma, and NEVER chose to play that game or do that to ourselves by getting involved. The pwBPD KNOWS THIS and somehow thinks we are obligated to endure bc of theBPDs needs and desires. BPD is NOT an illness or mental illness (chemical imbalance e. It is a PERSONALITY AND CHARACTER DISORDER BC OF PSYCHOLOGICAL DYSFUNCTION. BPD people lack, introspection, and accountability.
This is at the CORE of why they stick to their patterns and harm others terribly. there is a reason why even the psychologist say that borderline personality disorder people leave a trail of destruction behind them. This destruction of other people and their lives is real. And yes., Emphatically yes, we DO have a right to return with anger rage, and as you say, cruelty, true words that may cut like a knife, but or something borderline have to face if they ever are to heal or be remorseful.
But we do know that borderlines largely lack empathy just like narcs and psychopaths. Sure there may be some care., but it is little and overridden by the selfishness, weakness, victim, mentality lack of accountability, lies, manipulation, pushing, boundaries, disrespecting, hating, because they can’t handle being honest with themselves or accountable for their actions or hearing when somebody doesn’t appreciate how they’re harming them.
Out of all the cluster bee, personality disorders, borderline has the chance to actually heal, but it takes work. It takes accountability and it’s not our responsibility. It’s tiptoe around it’s not a sickness. It’s a psychological condition of dysfunction, psychologically, and it. It is a character problem, because actions in interpersonal relationships Are not moral or considerate of what their actions are doing to other people
if you want to heal and really Have a whole relationship and not hurt the one you supposedly love which includes having true response remorse, and not giving excuses or expecting someone else to treat it like an illness then you’ll work on this you face it it’s not for us to understand, it’s for you to work on, and you shouldn’t be in a relationship with a normal person a non-personality disorder person Until you have worked hard on yourself and can give to a relationship without hurting the other or causing massive risk of damaging another person
I wish this for you and all the borderlines out there, but it is not a small deal that borderline come in like a train wrecking the lives of people who give their heart and keep trying with the borderline, and that borderline is not honest they’re not willing to work on themselves they keep subjecting the other person to their games and their push Paul, and all their emotional baggage Seeing what it does to the other person but it’s always Mimi Mimi Mimi always about you borderline never about what it’s doing to the other one poor borderline as if the rest of us don’t have psychological problems that we have had to work on and continue to work on and face but we don’t push that off and destroy others. We work it out alone. That’s how mature people do it they don’t expect somebody else to take on their dysfunction. That’s what adults do.
Pardon me, but yes, I’m angry and you know it’s sickens a lot of us to hear borderline come out and say thank you for acknowledging. It’s an illness. No it’s not an illness. I was exposed to nerve gas at 19 years old have permanent brain damage. It took me seven years to relearn to speak, my muscles are wasted I have ALS I’ve had to cure cancer three times by myself no family I grew up with a narc mother. I’ve had relationships with several narcs. I’m 60 years old with no medical the army covered it up I have nothing saved. I was set up by a narc, and he sabotaged everything that I worked for. I would’ve been free to have security for my retirement and to get my own place. That’s where I met a borderline and he targeted me he was a bastard liar manipulator from the beginning he’s controlling possessive fucked up completely screwed up psychologically played games, compulsive, liar etc. then he cost me the 200,000 we were supposed to team up all my work I’m collapsing I used every ounce in my being to survive survive and he made sure that he weakened me so that he couldn’t trap me took all my belongings from storage ghosted me six months now I really had nothing and now I’m psychologically imbalanced from the stress of it from the mind Fuckery and you want to say we don’t have a right to get upset do you know how much loss you people create , not all border lines are the same worse than others do you know that cluster B personalities have a 70% chance of having another one well the one I encountered is as sociopath too so when I end up homeless and I will be paying for this, for probably almost the rest of my life I’m supposed to worry about poor little borderline who doesn’t take responsibility and excuses the damage that he does to peoples lives WRONG
Work on your humility. GAIN. From hearing the perspective, andger and hurt by those who have been traumatized and incurred massive loss from borderlines. They sure didn’t agree to that when they got into a relationship with BPD. AND, real morals is not to subject others to it. Find or create a dating site for BPD, OR BPD, NARCS, PSYCHOPATHS AND HISTRIONICS. You can all understand and destroy each other. Oh, wait, how will that work out when you’re all selfish, manipulative and etc with no accountability, introspection, personal growth ?
Get help first, years psych work, then tread carefully with a relationship and exit like a real man or woman with respect if you know you are not psychologically equipped yet. And work some more. “ Normal.’ People have had to heal their own weakness and trauma their whole life. And, What they do when they are not healthy psychologically, is they don’t get in relationships bc it wouldn’t be fair to the other. That’s right. it takes us years of working on ourselves to undo the damage that uke people cause.
If one wants to be healthy psychologically, they can learn from those who are. And a borderline person can most definitely learn from those who have been affected by borderlines, including the anger and how they feel about those borderline and what they did to their lives how horrible and unfair it was, and they don’t need to feel kindly you are not entitled to that, no one is earned respect destroying people lying to them and manipulating doesn’t earn respect personality disorder absolutely has everything to do with character BPD sure weren’t respecting those they hurt. IF you really start to do this you will develop your empathy and remorse and face the hard realities of your actions and thoughts in your dealing with others and become less selfish. WE ALL MUST DO THIS OUR WHOLE LIFE. THIS IS HOW WE MATURE GROW UP AND DEVELOP OUR PERSONALITIES, CHARACTERS, AND VALUE TO OTHERS AND OURSELVES. FROM TEENS UPWARDS THROUGH LIFE WE ALL DO THIS. THIS IS THE MEASURE OF WHO ONE SHOULD ASSOCIATE WITH. THSTS WHY PEOPLE SAY GROW UP TO THOSE WHO DONT, NOT JUST BORDERLINES. And it’s the only way for whole and healthy, happy relationships nw which support our lives instead of destroying ours and others. I wish you well if you face your own responsibilities @@wendi2819
With BPD nothing is ever enough. Nothing is ever right. Just get away from them and get safe from their destruction. You deserve to be safe.
The enmeshment you described in the beginning and the dynamic/role the father took is SPOT ON with my ex. Her father still is the lapdog only now its to my ex. Hes basically scared of her and does whatever he can to make her happy at all times (I now know why).
thank u for your work and detail ken, very very straight on wisdom here and healthy options for both sides
Thanks Luke - much appreciated!
The better explanation I have ever heard! It's clear, absolutely exact and really motivating! Thanks a lot!
Thanks Julio - appreciate the kind words!
Amazing talk. Bringing these concepts down to very concrete examples. As a person who recently separated from a woman that most likely fall under the Borderline umbrella I feel a deep sense of recognition listening to this.
I'm composing some songs as a way to process the experience and this talk helps me a lot bringing in useful perspectives. Living with someone with Borderline is incredibly confusing. In the end I started recording conversations in order to confirm to myself that my memory wasn't failing me. I recommend any one dealing with this to make sure to reflect wether in the form of writing, talking to a friend or document some of the actual dynamics. 🙏 Thanks for a clarifying, encouraging talk. ❤
Dude, you nailed this more than anyone else I've ever listened to! She has the treats of being the mother/daughter best friend type (with our two teenage daughters), and I am the guy that was in the military and law enforcement! Our dynamic in that regard is exactly correct! I keep taking the abuse, not because I'm weak, but because I keep hoping that my steadiness and resolve will help heal her, and bring out the good woman that I know is on the inside (that comes out to see the sunlight every so often)! The problem is that as she's getting older (we've been married for 22 years), it's only getting worse, not better!
Thanks for the video. This video helped me understand my ex and is helping me move on.
So accurate. My ex gf wbpd was externalized. 💯 on point Coach.
Its funny! I came across this video 5yrs later. Been dealing with bpd girl since last 5 yrs who just left me 2 weeks ago! Fortunately i was abt to lock it in and got away with it recently. I aint considering it again. Thank you coach. Its like a personalised video and it really helps.
Mine never hoovered and what a blessing that was. I reached out twice, for two different reasons. The first time after 3 months break up, I hoped for some type of reconciliation, he responded after 3 days, distant. I had no much expectations anyway but wanted to observe how I reacted to that response. I was upset. So kept working on myself and focused on me. The second time I reached out was 9 months post break up, but this time I was more interested in offering closure for us both ( break up was sudden discard, no talk). I had accepted the break up, did not want to reconcile, was just interested in hearing their overall point of view, and part amicably, instead of on a weird negative note. They did not respond that time. The good thing is, I felt no upset whatsoever. It was like asking randomly a friend if they were around for coffee and a catch up and they said they weren't available. Nothing to take personally. Maybe sometimes it's ok to reach out in order to evaluate how you really feel? I have no animosity towards him at all, but also I'm very aware this is not the type of relationship I want to engage or re engage in. I don't care how they view me, valued, devalued, whatever lol. I have my own view on myself and that's all I need.
I enjoyed your video very much, thank you.
Ty for all of your advice. I went no contact 13 days ago. She never used social media and now she started check my stories and in 2 days she gotta go eat sushi with my female best friend. 1 month ago i started to train like a beast and be more active so even if she doesn't come back, i win anyway 💪
Btw, she still has things at my home so she definitely gonna reach out one day.
Ty coach, now i have the tools to deal with her properly!
Looking at there past behavior in marriages and breakups is very important to know
Best content on youtube about Borderline
Thank you Blue! Much appreciated
I love this insight. Rightly or wrongly, I’ve used this & listened several times to help me with the healing process & further motivation not to reach out. I’m not sure the true extent of her bpd, but I recognise a few things, so this has helped a bit & every little helps during this process. Thanks
Thanks Michael - Let me know if I can be of any help!
This video has been extremely helpful. Thank you.
I would love a video on the difference between BPD and avoidant attachment style please. Also on the self-destructive subset of BPD 🙏.
Great suggestion! I'll do that
Absolutely outstanding information! When I'd prove over and over that I was not the person she said I was, she'd simply start making things up. When I'd prove it wasn't true, she'd simply move on to something else. She meets 12 out of the nine characteristics, but refuses to accept that she has BPD. She moved across the country for a year, demading that I leave her alone, which I did. After a year she initiated contact. I completely ignored her messages and emails for a few weeks but finally caved, still trying to keep her at arm's length, and only because we have two children together. I could go on, but you get the idea. Every single thing you said, I've lived. Currently a few weeks of no contact, and I've learned that I need to concentrate on rebuilding my sense of self or it's never going to get better. It's going to take some work to fix 12 years of damage...
Great content thanks! It's just sad that people with bpd don't all run to the help center to get rid of this disease....
Thank you for this video. You helped clear up a lot of things with my ex relationship. I got a lot of clarity here. My ex wasn’t as bad as some of the horror stories, but she kept blaming me for our dysfunctional relationship. She was petulant, and expected me to keep chasing as she pulled away. She’d get really upset when I didn’t play the childish game. And keep me up forever. God I am so tired
Same here bro❤
This video is heaven sent, I've been all over the internet trying to decipher my relationship,,,, for want of a better word, after hearing this I will never subject myself to the toxic torture I've received for two years.
If it feels to good to be true it's probably a cluster b infestation
This. Cutting quickly to the chase. I'm learning it doesn't even matter whether you know for sure or not. Get out as soon as you think it could be.
Wow. You crushed it. Mine was an Impulsive Borderline. Nearly everything you described is what happened to me. Wish I had this knowledge in May 2018 when I met her!
Sorry you went through that - BPD breakup is uniquely painful and difficult to recover from in most cases
I think I'm gonna watch it every day
Thank you! Much appreciated!
Me too!
@CoachKen Much more appreciated is your life saving work. Cheers from Brazil! 🇧🇷
Excellent video as always Coach. I am in awe of your depth analysis of BPD.
My ex has bipolar disorder 2 and I would really appreciate it if you can make a video on their attitude towards relationships.
I feel emotionally drained due to cycles of highs and lows. I also have ADHD so it’s even worse for me due to me having RSD, as you explained in the other video
Again, thank you very much for all your valuable work :)
Thank you for the kind words amdsqb! That's a good idea for a video - I'll add it to the schedule! Let me know if you'd ever like to book a session as well
Sounds like me until we broke up
This absolutely describes my ex.
She is aware of her BPD, we broke up because she cheated on me several times (found out after the fact) she is now dating the guy she cheated on me with and I do miss her so much that I sought out therapy because the relationship felt extremely taxing and abusive. Though if I’m being honest, I can’t seem to let go of all the good times and find the bad easier to Ignore, except the cheating of course.. that hurts like no other..
What you lived is very though. I lived the same kind of. Each night waking up each 2 hours thinking that she is with the other dude. Each time the idea crossed my mind I could feel the intense rush of cortisol in my body. But time does heal and you feel it less and less. You have to use meditation or live in the présent moment. Echart Tholle book helped me à lot. Dont loose your life time its the most précious thing you have. Find new hobbies and friends and new women.
thank you , i love your videos
Thank you Melissa -Very much!
" They don't know who they are enough to be able to promise you what they're gonna feel in a month. They're not even sure what they're gonna feel tomorrow " I think none of us can predict how we're going to feel. Feelings pass by like clouds. Borderlines tho, seem to let those feelings guide their actions. A lot. No wonder the rollercoaster never ends.
This is so spot on accurate. I was arrested. I was publicly humiliated and My life was turned upside down because I caught my girlfriend cheating on me! There’s another guy that lives close to me that’s going through the same process with the same girl he’s in big trouble and I know she made it all up that poor fuck I know exactly what he’s going through.
My ex wife made up patently absurd lies about me and got a restraining order. She then called and texted me relentlessly. In my State she can call and text and bother me however if I respond I can be arrested. Well, I tool the bait and responded with a text. Not even a bad text. She had me arrested and I spent 4 days in jail. I've never been arrested before , so this was a nightmare.
Beware my friends.
Terrible thing is, I still miss her. That's how deep the bond they can have with you can be. Logically I should despise her, but emotionally I miss her .
But I'm not contact, 100 percent. And will be for years to come.
@@user-tu7lf7ce7qyep my body ex gf got a restraining order on me after she cheated on me.
This video is an absolute banger, Coach. Very thorough and informative for both those who have dealt with a Borderline partner and for those who have not. Hope all is going well bro.
-Joel Pacheco
You rock, Ken! That was excellent! Thank you 🙏
Thank you Dana!
Great video! By far one of the most in depth coaches out there. Man do you break the psychology down. Now I have something new to watch. Gonna binge watch your channel. Watched all of Coach Lee's vids lol. Let's goooo
Well it makes perfect sense, If you constantly jump in despite the obvious bs, you're not changing their believe and fears about abandonment, because you can't. It's not in your power. It can only come from the bpd person. What you do is making them view you differently, as someone weak, submissive, with issues on their own. Which probably ends up delaying the bpd person in healing. Enabling is not helpful to them, let alone to yourself.
This happened with me, ive got borderline and he was what i understand now to be a dry drunk, he never got help, i did. I was overloaded snd drove him to overload and it was a painfull ending. We still have great care and love for each other (at a distance) as well as anger towards each other. I am still healing and he got more drunk and drunk we still miss each other too but we are not healthy for each other. Both parites have to work at themselves and im not strong enough for both 😢 😪 😔and no there was no cheating or physical abuse as suggested us borderlines do. . I loate both.
I know you’re primarily talking about peer to peer relationships. I was raised by a BPD mother, and I married a BPD woman and we adopted a BPD child. I also have a person who has BPB living with me at the present time. She and I are not in a relationship, although I did ask her, and, it didn’t happen. Meanwhile, after 37 years in recovery, I pretty much say I’m no longer attracted to women that have BPD.
God bless you brother! A lot of people never get to that point
Hi Coach Ken - I had done a session with you back in April regarding my ex-boyfriend who is borderline. The roles are reversed. This video has been very informative and you described by ex-boyfriend to the tee. However, there's an assumption that there's BPDs do reach out. It should be clarified that it's that highly likely that male BPDs do not.
Can you talk more about when the borderline unwarantedly gets a restraining or peace order on you? This is very helpful, mind blowing shit
Was with a man with borderline. Just broke up. It was crazy to say the least. I felt exhausted, smothered and trapped. Im so happy im out. It's one of the hardest disorders. You cannot help them. Get out
🐍 Ssssssss
🐦⬛ 9haaaaaaab 9haaaaab
🥸 simp :a npd lets get out of here
oh a bpd run run faster faster run run ⚠️
I am looking into a BPD diagnosis and it’s almost like you’re talking about me 😅
Ken. You are the BOMB! Excellent, as usual!!
You the bombette! Thanks Jann!
@@CoachKen Hahaha ha! YOU ARE TOO FUNNY!😉👍
An eye opening video. Thanks so much!
had one that insisted on marriage, but when we would start planning, she would sabotage the relationship. took me three times to finally get it. o, and she blamed me every time.
Hey coach great video!! Btw i did email you at the email address you gave me! Thanks for all your help with the videos
My ex discarded me and then went on a nasty smear campaign about how I'm a sexual predator and a narcissist. Like WTF??? All I did was protect her from her supposed "Narcissist" ex husband. She was super sweet to me and then she split and became distant. When we broke up, she started messaging me saying how she feels like she messed up and she misses me. Then a week later, the bitch went and told people that I was a coke user, a sexual predator and a narcissist. Her RECENT ex just contacted me to tell met that she cuts herself, goes crazy when you leave her and now SHE'S SMEARING HIM, telling people that he exposed himself to her kids. does this sound like that kind of behavior that borderlines display? Cause she tried to destroy my reputation and now she's trying to destroy his.
HOLY SIHT! My ex-wife did the exact same thing, even using those same words to smear me in rumors she started! But she's just an abuser; she doesn't have BPD so there won't be any eventual hoovering. Just hate.
That's BPD 101 for many women struggling with the disorder.
BPD here. Did you stop to think that maybe you are one? My husband is, without doubt. Trouble with N’s is they don’t see a problem with their behavior. Always the victim. Just the fact you were with a borderline might be your first clue. Like the man said BPD type tends to be attracted to N. And narcs definitely have a weak spot for borderlines.
Coach Ken, I've been watching your videos for mire than 10 times each, for the past 3 weeks. My ex girlfriend was for sure borderline. I would appreciate if you can answer these questions :
1. Can the impulsive type be sweet with her friends and coworkers and acting friendly and humble ? And can they be successful and thriving for more professionally ?
2. Are they really capable of genuine love, especially in the love bombing stage and still have back up men and looking for other new men ? And how does that work ?
3. If a type of borderline discards you because you accuse them of infidelity, then accuse you of being jealous, insecure, aggressive, narcissist, controlling, selfish, telling you a lot of bad things,...are they usually the impulsive type ?
4. Which one of the four tipes is more likely to try to get you back, even if you chased them for months, but then went fully no contact ?
Thank you in advance!
I will soon book a session with you.
I'm bpd and in a relationship with narsist man... in start i do all that through up everything that is coming in my mouth on him .. then i learn my behaviour and then i learn his too why he do these things... but he is never committed to me.. now he is married have kids too.. and I'm alone .. i trust on him beleive on him... if he give me timeline of his work i don't diaturb him accept everything about his family. And after 5 years came to realize I'm the only one who is nowhere and have to move on but I'm scared of being alone... i don't only need words from him i want respect and priority
BPD addicted to Narc happens a lot and it can escalate to something not only painful but dangerous. I'm glad you're walking away
The push pull started from the get go. After a magical ( red flag number 1😅) first date, he pulled out in the weirdest ways. Was clearly into me big time ( his words) but actions showed otherwise. No calling when he said he would, not instigating 2nd date. We met again ( well I made it happen lol, I guess I was already hooked) and he was all over me again But somehow I had to chase. Which i refused to, I wanted balance. He told me his exes were codependent. I said no thank you to that. He fell in love during that time tho and so did I. But clear signs of volatility came with it. He was suddenly all in. And all out. when all in, moving in together, baby the whole woola hoops was on the agenda. It was going bit too fast for me. When all out, cancelled plans, busy, busy, and busy. First it was work, then he set up tattoo cessions in his free time, and when finally those came towards the end and I thought we're going to be able to spend time together now, he started telling me about buying sports equipment because he really needs to get back into it, already lining up the next barrier between us. Yet I would observe the process, determined to keep my cool and go with the flow, make this relationship healthy. But small things would trigger him, such as me talking to the seller at the local store 🤨 he would leave me on the spot, lol. Tbh I never took it personally, I knew I did nothing wrong and he would apologize when cooled down. But the biggest issue for me was, we could not stick to many plans. Anything was carrying the possibility of a major U-turn. I started only booking places with full refund cancellation policies.
It became clear after a few months that I was indeed on a rollercoaster ride. Sure, I kept calm and composed and overall unaffected emotionally but still, I want a life with someone whose commitment I can trust. We say something we do it. Ofc it's not always possible but when 3/4 of them go awol regularly, you're building on sand, not stable ground. One night he split on me out of the blue, I went from love of his life to enemy number 1 and he was doooooone with the relationship. During the lash out he said he will retaliate against me. Retaliate for what, and how? I don't know. Nor did I care to find out at the time tbh. It hurt, ofc it hurts, but all the signs were there. Much more I left out here. I went along for 6 months, that felt like 3 years, so eventful 😂. In the fantasy a lot was happening, in reality, not that much. I really wanted for it to work out, but it's absolutely impossible for me to run after someone who tells me we're not meant to be, they're better on their own, and to not contact them again. I will respect their wish.
I volunteered to be in that relationship, no one forced me, and I have to look at that. I think i fall for limerence to some extent. He had me on a pedestal, and while with him, all my insecurities litteraly disappeared. I did feel the best version of me through them. And totally refused the devaluation phase, hell no dude, keep me high in the sky 🤣. So yeah let's be honest, It takes two to tango and entertain a dynamic. Blaming someone we picked to have a romantic relationship with is bizarre to me. We clearly both have some type of issues, false belief, maladaptive reactions or whatever to be involved in a somehow toxic or full on toxic dance. We both tried out best I believe. With the awareness and tools we possessed during that time. But we all have an opportunity afterwards to reflect and own our part, find peace with it and recalibrate gently. If we don't see our part, we're probably not looking deep enough and will re engage in the same way until we do.
I was in a relationship with someone I believe to have BPD for 7 years. I did everything I possibly could to make her happy. I was stable with work through all the years she was on and off work. In July I left after years on pain and abuse. Now not even 3 months later she’s already in a new relationship with some guy at her new work. I’m devastated. I know she’s wrong for me, she’s made me the the worst possible person in her mind when I did everything I possibly could. Idk why I’m so upset about her having a new boyfriend. Part of me is upset that she’s giving this guy that love that I killed myself for years to recapture.
If you believe she has BPD, then you did yourself a service my friend. Run away and never look back. She'll put this new guy through the same torment and abuse that you went through.
Pain and abuse is not love. Love is peaceful, love is kind. Love doesn't come with constant headache, confusion and emotional rollercoasters. You're missing nothing
Hello coach, your videos do help to get introspective into stuff that happened in the relationship, however, what would you say if a person you were with for 2 years broke up with you over 2 sentence long text literally hours or days after saying they love you and acting all lovely around you. Is this a sign of someone who could have BPD or someone avoidant?
Because in my case, my ex broke up with me after an argument (that we already had in the past) and then asked to instead I wait for her for 3 months until she sorts her own issues out. THen I reached out and she agreed to reconcile only to ask for a month long break right there and then to which I agreed believing it was for her own good (because of her private life being chaotic). Yet she started slowly pulling away during the break (because we would occasionally hear from each other) as she wanted full no contact break and then I met her in person when she said everything's fine I love you, only to break up half an hour later through text.
Also she only seems to see the negative sides of the relationship and is "stonewalling" me when I mention the positives. Says I didn't show her that I loved her only when a month before that she said I made her days much better by being around (which to me sounds like she felt loved, otherwise I don't see how I could make her days better if she didn't feel loved or appreciated).
All in all it left me confused, worried and I can't piece together what went wrong all of a sudden. I'm trying to stay strong and your video on important warning before NC really showed how you care and that right there really hit hard for me because I felt your emotions and you perfectly described someone who's hurt.
Thanks for your work (even though I just recently discovered you) and I really, truly wish you all the best as it really does help to get this sort of information online for free. I hope that soon I'll be able to book a session with you to get insight into my situation.
I’m number 3. Wish I knew this before
5 Stars!
Hi Coach, Once again right video at the right time, you have incredible content, could you do one on when they come back but leave again quickly if NC can work a second time, and if there are difference in the stages from the first?
They tend to stay away longer in no contact if they came back not long ago - almost like an emotional rehearsal so they're more determined the next time. But it does work more than once with the same person
@@CoachKen thank you so much coach, unfortunatley for her that will be too late i think lol im more determined this time around as well lol
This was 100% accurately my relationship!
Spot on!
She broke up with me, she cried while doing it.. on video call, we were long distance, 6 month, first 3 was the best time of our entire lives.. anyways, now im no contact for 2 month now, she reached out a month ago saying sorry for hurting me and is it ok if she takes her stuff when she comes to my city or she should ask her friend? I said it doesnt matter how ever your more comfortable and the conversation ended (her stuff are just a Tshirt and a vibrator..) i went into no contact again
My question is do you think she’s trying to keep the door open?
Cause i know shes border line but i really want her back..
You know she's borderline and you really want her back and you're probably codependent. Check codependency for better understanding of yourself in that mix.
Give her a go.
She may just be emotional with periods
Yes yes yes. Very clear and correct information. My ex BPD partner told me early on that being with me was like “a dog chasing a car” the dog didn’t expect to catch the car. At the time I didn’t fully grasp the entirety of that statement thinking it was somehow flattering. If only I had known! Anyway live and learn.
I’ll never make that mistake again. Met a few other BPDs since then, in my extended family as well as neighbors…kept my distance.
I used that same “dog chasing a car” quote with someone recently
It was in month 4 or 5 of dating that he brought up the baby talk. Not long after telling me he would only consider getting married after 5/6 years relationship. Almost every single topic was like that. I need my space and freedom, so hey, let's be codependent. Errr i'm a little confused. "Confused " was such a trigger word. I thought expressing confusion was going to make him rephrase more clearly. But no, it made him go beseek somehow. This is the word I expressed twice in the relationship. And both times he dealt wirh it by breaking up wirh me 😂
She later told me not been in love for years and she tried she really did. Told me my love is demonic and only in the physical but she loves fully in the oceans of wisdom etc etc
Shiiiiit, coach, i wish i ran into this video a long ago
Hardest part about dating a Boderline, it’s intense (in a good way) and you seem to put up with heir red flags because they’re awesome and even good looking. Then one arguement can just switch their mind and you’re out and all of a sudden you’ll “never work” and they need “peace to work on themselves for 6 months”. Madness. Just like that. Gone.
Omg my ex wife is borderline, it’s been 5 years and I still can get a normal relationship crazy