Masked Narcissist: Private vs. Public Personas
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- Опубліковано 14 сер 2023
- The narcissist is comprised ONLY of a series of masks or personas. There is no “real” narcissist. Prosocial/communal or antisocial are both masks. The reason (etiology) is the failure of separation-individuation.
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“The narcissist cannot be an audience.” This explains the bored look they get when others are speaking and the irritation they show when others are the center of attention. I get the impression that they believe everyone is a narcissist, like them, and they are sharing stage time. That it is someone else’s turn to act and they’re not falling for anyone else’s act.
The fake yawn 🥱
Thank u! Your videos have really helped me understand the depth of this disorder and what I have gone thru.I would like to share something I wrote after my experience in this kind of a relationship.
A rotting corpse
Mummified
Fossilised
It’s stench coated in musk and cologne
What a grand facade
The bright lights the ever changing costumes
What a performance
What an act
Yet beneath the mask
I have seen the core
An empty hole
Black
There is nothing there
You sold your soul to the devil
In return he gave you camera lights action
You take your act wherever you hear the claps
No one is clapping here
Take your act
Take your corpse
And take the sickening stench
off you go
Don’t come back
You have no audience here
Agree to a degree, but in another aspect i dont believe that being distrustful that people are acting around you is necessarily specifically narcissistic but rather a delusional issue as a whole, as the empath also believes everyone is like them
@@chrissoto4878you do not grasp trauma nor how this personality is developed whatsoever
No that's not true. Empaths know the that there are sick and evil people everywhere. I think empathic people are rare compared to how many evil , and bad hearted people there are.@@SinfulSoulBand
They are cruel and harsh, controlling at home.... but in public they are so charming....everybody think they are so great....
Exactly 💯
this is me...i don't know why. when im outside i feel like im being hunted all the time so i guess being nice is a way of self preservation...but when im at home its like my own little piece of the world where the same troubles from the outside could arise but in a "manageable" manner...and thats where i get the URGE the lashout even over the smallest shit, its lucky i still live with my parents that are narcs themselvs and so far they are the only ones who expericance this side of me. i gotta say that its stronger than me...i don't even know where to start with working on this because it seems like i hit a brick wall and discover more stuff about me that is fucked up everytime i try, i feel like i need a relationship course because i do want to get out of my situation i just don't have anything else and i feel like showing actual empathy is a chore...it wasn't always like that, but man at 17-18 i couldn't remember the last time i cried...at 21 i can say i cry nowdays but it still feels janky and cheap whenever i do push myself to feel something,i have a serious weed addiction that seems to cause all this, its fucked up i really feel weird even writing this.
My Brother , Father
Over grown toddler's in a Monster costume...
Glad l divorced them ..toxic to the core.
The narcissist is a chameleon, that changes colors depending on the environment.
When you witness the mask come off for the first time, you see how there is absolutely no one in there….just a zombie.
I’ll never forget that moment.
Same here ! It was just after intimacy he went from hot to cold the instant we were fine he said some really hurtful things to me about me “ performance “ I felt like i failed an audition … I tried to talk to him to express how I felt… all I got was silence and disdain. He lay there with eyes closed and nose in the air. In that moment the mask was completely gone and a statue remained. . Quietly I gathered my things called an Uber and left . On the way home I blocked deleted and begin my journey to healing .
That’s the only way: walk away and not turn back because I, for one, experienced a vicious cycle. Give to Lord God and feel yourself thriving again. Slow and steady wins the race. 😢
There is a person in there, they just change personas or perceived traits and interests to anything they believe will give them the attention or goal they feel they need at the time. It’s voluntarily deceitful but not a zombie. There is no need to dehumanize them. Narcissists are not born, they are created in childhood and adolescence from familial trauma.
@Trismegistus95 Dr Vaknin has said, repeatedly in many videos, that there is NO person there.
This is also increasingly, my observation.
It has no bearing on the matter whether narcissists are born or made.
A murderer may have become murderous and destructive as a consequence of abuse and ill-treatment. That doesn't make him not a murderer.
Among the various ways of dealing (or not dealing) with his abuse, he allowed himself to kill.
Are you assuming that a person has to be like you to be human? Many people-and cultures- have assumed that.
A narcissistic person having no person-hood in the healthy sense doesn't mean they're "not human".
They are.
But differently.
As a healthy -or healing - person, it is very important to understand this.
@@rheinhartsilvento2576 his use of stating there is no person there is hyperbole, there is physically a person there. The analogy you use doesn’t work as narcissists and murderers are not a one to one comparison. Not all narcissists commit murder. Of course I don’t presume anyone has to be like me or think like me to be human. My point is only that narcissists share a dual identity as both a victim and as victimizer.
“No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.” - Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter, 1850.
But a woman can. It's her survival strategy.
Very good point
Nice one
You are the Best
Hello dear professor Vaknin. Can you please explain the relationship of the narcissist with death. Why if there is no one there behind the mask, they are so afraid to die? And why when they move closer and closer to inevitable death, they are so desperate and sometimes even funny to watch?
Thank you for the topic suggestions.
My father, as he is approaching death, says he's unafraid, but doesn't seem to grasp the concept. In fact, he has always stated to be unafraid of death. Where it used to come across as a pose, now it seems instead to be a sort of ignorance about the concept of death itself. It's very disconcerting to watch.
Context: I'm pretty sure that for most of my life he was a overt narcissist. He has since collapsed into a fantasy world and will still occassionally brag about all the great, world-changing things he is going to achieve before his death. In reality, he spends his day watching TV and eating sweets, with the doctors refusing to operate on his heart because of his obesity.
@@BlackCoffeeee Thank you for sharing your perspective. It certainly is a possibility, though, in his case, something seems off in a way that makes it difficult to believe him. I will reconsider again whether it really is not simply my miscomprehension due to my own fear of death.
No expert by any means but perhaps it's because death is a reality check to their grandiosity and sense of being unique or special? How unique can you truly be if the end will be the same for you as it is for the rest of us? That's just my laymen opinion though lol, perhaps the professor will have more to say about it in a future video.
Very good point! Also please about their behavior/ perception when someone in their close Cyrcle dies. This would be too interesting. Thank you
My mum 100%. She even has a little fake voice she uses that's all soft, which is nothing like what she truly sounds like.
Same with my ex narc bf!
Mine did that at my sister's wedding!!!! It was so funny she went all soft and breathy!!!!! I even said to her why are you talking like that!?! She pulled a face,but carried on anyway,she knew i knew her real " at home" voice.
Dear professor, sometimes I doubt my own capacity to grasp the extension of your lectures, as I doubt -constantly- about my own sanity and the intensions of those around me. This comment has been redacting itself for the past 4 years…you where with me on pandemic’s darkest hours and there are no words to describe how thankful, grounded (different?) I am since “we’ve meet”. What you’ve done for (to/with) my brain (health, soul, sanity, intellect, you name it) couldn’t compare it self with any of my over rated (over paid) - so called- therapist/authority figures/ teachers. Thank you. Please keep thinking and sharing. Greetings from Colombia 🇨🇴
You deserve all success for your work and incredible honesty, which is rare; I am very thankful for all you share and all your books. Also, with every people speaking and researching about narcissism, no one has the best way to get to the point as you do and have done so far. All the best, thank you!
I agree. I receive so much knowledge from Prof Vaknin's videos.
I couldn’t agree more! Thank you Sam!!! I’m free of my narc..figured him out within 6 months and told him it was over and to leave my flat. He left, but not before calling me a few expletives and throwing a glass photo frame across the room! I dodged a bullet and the photo frame!😅
Thank you for the best help and insight on this subject and help!!!
It is terrifying. So is recognizing that I was raised by one
Professor Vaiknin, you've given me the light that I so desperately needed in order to understand my marriage with all its nonsensical stuff right from the start. I can't possibly thank you enough! From the bottom of my heart ❤
I cannot get enough of your teaching. Thank you.
Your videos are helping me to find out all my questions about my narcissist person. He makes me depress, borrow my money and I lost my job 🙈🙈🙈
Existential philosophy meets psychology. I am in heaven. Lol.
Ok Sam when i saw underneath of the mask of what i think was a secondary psychopath. He looked 5years old but in a 39 year old mans body. What did i see at the top of the stairs that day? I took what felt was a snapshot of that in my mind a second before i ran to my car. I would love your take on what i saw that day please. He was the male version of me totally in tune with my emotions...like he could read my thoughts through my eyes! No one normally can do this. Gs lighting and future faking were main tactics... i started asking alot of questions like hang on a minute why is it all about u etc id stop mid walking with him. and pouff he was gone a week later the discard, like the wicked witch of the west in a puff of green smoke and disintegrated. Thats how i saw it an way. It lasted 18 weeks...he was storming up and down during discard saying this always happens to me.
This discussion is extremely fascinating. I met someone online just over a year ago who I suspect may be a narcissist. So much of what you say seems to be applicable.
Thank you so much Dear Professor. ❤.
Fascinating. And chilling. Certainly explains a lot. Thanks for what you do professor.
Terrifying statement indeed and beautiful Climax! Thx so much Mr Vaknin
Fascinating topic for this video Professor Vaknin; it really makes you wonder how you can decipher your own 'self' vs a persona, and also when your are putting on a mask with others. It also explains somewhat why the narcissist can lash out for seemingly no reason when you go 'off script' or catch them unawares - which is painful because it's confusing.
I really enjoyed Rose Madder too, the scene where she goes into the world inside the painting is particularly well written and you really feel the urgency & dread of the character. Good to know you're a fan of Stephen King.
I wish I would of found your videos years ago. Another great explanation. Your work is amazing, thank you so much professor Vaknin! I love learning from your videos.❤
Благодарю вас за то, что открыли мне глаза на многие вещи.
Utterly delightful.
Yes,you are right Sam,underneath the mask there is nobody home😮frightening idea,I find...they are great actors once they leave the house to be the friendliest,kindest person ever lol...whereas at home they spew out all the poison they posess,anything to constantly hurt and abuse their partner,still,I feel that somewhat at home the mask slips,right?!😢
Ah, the mere question I've asked myself for more than a decade living with one. One thing to keep in mind, though, is that they're the BEST manipulator you can find. So, at times when you get the glimpses of the "person" behind the mask, remind yourself that no, it's simply just another mask. It is at the same time a revelation for me. A BIG one, that is. And you know what? Honestly, just last week I finally had the courage to tell my best friend that I needed her help to get me out of this prison/worst nightmare, before I lose my sanity. It has never been about us, let alone me. I don't exist, as far as he's concerned. Clear and simple.
@@southernpearlGood luck getting away. Hope it works out. Mine did
@@irielion3748 thank you. It does take time, but I'm getting there. Nice to hear you got out. Bravo! 👍
Legend 😢
I said to my X husband before l left, l it's like being married to a person 6" under.
I was talking to a brick wall for 18 yrs..
Yes!!!! The self reporting. 49 psychiatrists, 4 rehabs over the course of 12-14 months, the contact on the outside a partner who played along with the narcissist ...the lies...when I tried to step in to see things more honestly so as to get my brother 'real' help I was not listened to by the staff, and was cut out of his mental health issues, and seeking good help. I was discarded. Yes!!!! My brother was All masks. He said to me himself, I have- am nothing inside..again thank you Professor...PS I would love to spend time in your library.. Goffman never heard of but now will seek out his work..
😅
Thank you for this video
I discovered you so many years ago and it changed my life. It's fabulous to find you are in Russia now. You look fabulous and your smile is as wonderful as always. All my best to you.
I am not in Russia.
@@samvaknin Oh, forgive me, I thought that's what you said. It's great to see you.
Thank you so much.Bad faith indeed.
My deepest thanks for your wisdom and lectures that saved me, Professor Vaknin. "There is no more terrifying statement than to interact with a mask", an entity that is capable of anything. May I conclude: normality is lack of self-consciousness versus narcissim as a constant peak performance?
My Narc/HPD sister thought she was a lawyer because she simply married one! Did a law degree because I was thinking of converting my Economics degree into Law. Whe she divorced him, she wanted to be a nurse, then an immigration "lawyer", then thought of being self employed into catering. List is endless.
That sounds a lot like my mother, many tried interests that got dropped after a few months or a year or two before moving onto another career path. Almost as if she got bored or had a sense of not being satisfied. She’s worked at a clinic, then owned her own clothing store, ect.
Omg! I really need to write a book!
Awesome masterclass.
Thank you, Sam for this absolutely pure GOLD!
Up until your last statement, one I didn't want to hear , as I am still hanging on to the saying (that these people are made, so why can't they unmake it, if they stepped back and had a good look at themselves) but now one is thinking that they would not have anything within them to make the plan to fix THEMSELVES,, WITH THE UNDERSTANDING OF THE PEOPLE AROUND THEM ,, JUST MADE MY DAY MATE ,,NOW WHAT?????
🙏 NaMasKar, Thank You! BnK 💐🧘🌄
Brilliant 😂Sam..wears a mask even as he sleeps..😂Omg..I was sharing my life nearly 30 yrs..large selection of masks and smoke and mirrors..Jekyll and Hyde Covert..it was beyond belief 🥺😕but my humour remains intact 🙏😄🤩
If they are an empty shell with no true self, what actually drives them in life? Do they just wear masks to cope from day to day or do they have ambition? Surely if they have goals and ambitions they must have something at their inner core?
A virus has "goals". Does it have an inner core? Narcissists have no ambitions. They are junkies. They crave the next dose of narcissistic supply and would do anything to get it.
@@samvakninAgreed. Came across a "supportive" chameleon. A reflection of me in private, a reflection of everyone else in public. I enjoyed that hunt.
Wow. Nice ending, it's what I was thinking.
38:00 and on has answered so many of my questions.
when we were outside... for example at a concert/dance... he always had to have someone in the audience watching him, admiring him, paying attention, I was just an accessory, his arm or a leg!!! When he found his audience, he was happy!!! if he couldn't find anyone I had to be his audience... couldn't just go to the bathroom without checking out or change the dance spot without asking or letting him know! If I did this without being asked, I was the reason for his tension and dissatisfaction!!!! And he found it exhausting to be on the road with me! If he had found a stranger or several as an audience, I was also not allowed to leave without being asked, otherwise I would be jealous of the imaginary nonsense... and again he was stressed and tense and that meant that he could no longer go away with me and in the end to tantrums and discard!
Glad you wrote this. I was a ragdoll with low self esteem. He dragged me around with him.
After weight training for a long time, I find people cannot self report on their own body movements. They can think they did one thing and then show them a video and it’s not why they thought. Now apply this to the social sciences… we are incapable of self reporting
Oh my gosh, I am a personal trainer and I see this ALL the time! People think they are executing a movement correctly, but I watch them and they are far from it. I manipulate their body to have the correct form and have them watch themselves in the mirror and they are always shocked they were so far off. Great observation- this applies to people’s inner world as well.
I would love to see Sam Vaknins comments about Johnny Depp and Amber Heart trial.
Yeah me too! Bright example of narcissist and borderline
Why do you think Johnny was a narcissist and not codependent? He passes the Uncanny Valley test with me with flying colors.
I LOVE how you say Evil Sam...Eveeeel 😊 your accent is very soothing
So why do they become so cruel in a relationship?
Why don't you search the channel?
You remind me of Sigmund Freud.
He’s much more likeable than Sigmund though.
Ok - so I am always so grateful for each of these videos … wow is how I feel Everytime. I am confused on something - what if a narcissist is highly intelligent… your comment about how they can never be helped in therapy and such. The people, most people in their profession don’t know very much they aren’t following the evolutionary trajectories of their profession and they were trained by a very old model of education. They go off of statistics and largely the people they help don’t take control or responsibility for their own illness so follow the professionals instructions. Saying all that, what if the narcissist does know more than the professionals- how can they not take control ? And in that case, is the direction for the narcissist to keep changing professionals until they find one they don’t have to take control in the session ? If they really want help
Search the channel for "self-awareness" and "insight".
After 21 years of a horrific marriage I'm finally divorced do you have any advice for my 14 year old daughter that still has to go over there every other weekend and endure 4 days with only him.. Will the court system ever catch up to the fact that no minor child should be left alone with an individual such as..
Finally had a free moment.. sorry
Prof Vaknin.....what is the general outlook of the narc at middle and old age....what does their life look like?
My father in old age mellowed down a bit, with less aggressive, psychopathic behaviour. Then, after a stroke, he collapsed into covert narcissism. Sad to see, but easier to deal with in a way, though painful if you've been trained to take the bombastic facade seriously.
Search the channel.
hello, sir, very interesting material.
will you consider making a video where you elaborate on a connexion between gender dysphoria, narcissism and addiction?
Search the channel.
@@samvaknin certainly!
Prof Sam I left my narc/paranoia husband after 18 years. My psychologist doesn’t know how to heal me in a way that you explained in your videos. Is there any way I can help myself? I doubt there are too many psychologists out there to know how to heal victims. Thanks for all your contributions ❤
It would be difficult to help yourself all by your own.
I sometime think be with yourselves and stay true to you and sometimes proof you gut and indentify and overwriting of false “sentences” helps in the beginning. And for me as the play got a name, the healing startet!!!
Hi, you might get good results with Imaginative Trauma Therapy and/ or at least Existential Analysis and Logotherapy ( Viktor Frankl). As far as I remember Prof. Vaknin recommended this recently. I myself profited thus about 30 years ago in Germany..❤
After watching many videos ( Prof Sam Vaknin is the best ) and Rapid Transformation Therapy and counselling sessions I realised that I had no self worth and let people treat me as they liked to a certain degree hence putting up with emotional abuse that no normal person would accept . I was a people pleasing , co dependant who wanted people to like me ! It was a euphoric moment when I discovered this , as it liberated me and I now feel I am me and if no one likes me that is fine . I became indifferent to the narcissist as I know I contributed to the abuse by remaining there , it’s a hard life lesson and I feel now that I’m going to enjoy every minute of every day for the rest of my life . Good luck xxxx
Could you talk more about the fantasy you refer to, please? I would like to understand that concept. Thank you.
Could you watch the videos in the shared fantasy playlist?
@@samvaknin Yes. Thank you.
Professor Vaknin. Are you familiar with Herman Hesse? Specifically Narcissus and Goldmund? Any thoughts? Thank you!
Ironically, Goldmund is the narcissist in the book.
@@samvaknin Thank you. Yes, indeed he is 😆
With the emerging use of psychedelics in therapy ;I've read a couple of articles saying such therapies can help reduces narcissism & some of the traits such as lack of empathy etc..This might be promising for the future of helping narcissism..One of these article was by Natalia Sarmiento, Can Psychedelics Threat Narcissism ( A Emerging field Of Study)
Grandiose ignorant nonsense. Watch my video on psychedelics.
There were times in the 60ies/70ies, when psychedelics were used to 'cure' homosexuality. :-/ I'm afraid, there's no cure for narcissism. The narcissist I thought I knew "well" liked psychedelics because he could immerse with the world. But that's not an individuation. It's regression back, back in times he was in mommy's belly or back in times when mommy's breast was part of him, one with everything, one with the world. Sam Vaknin, if I remember it well, called the song "We are the world" psychotic. :-( No way becoming "one with everything" as people on psychedelics often say should cure a narcissist!!! This is a disaster. It's an ultimate escape from reality. Knowing my ex boyfriend I'd even say it was harmful for him. In fact, he was abusing drugs to escape reality and live in that world of "one with everything", dragging me with him, getting upset with me because I stopped participating. It was hard to watch him destroying himself at some point. (It's over for me, but there's enough supply out there encouraging his "journeys" and joining him.) I'll read the study you've mentioned. Thanks for bringing it up. But due to my experience, I don't know, I'm sceptical. Of course my experience isn't scientific it's merely personal.
Wow their like actors. Reminds me of Johnny Deep. Put does that
means they ,they knoa?
I have a question regarding articles that report that narcissism is on a spectrum. As pointed out so clearly in this lecture, (and as I have come to understand) an individual with NPD did not BECOME…..but is instead a dark hole, a void, or a ghost. How then can narcissism be on a spectrum? I believe you are either an individual with NPD or you are not. Are the discussions that are centred on “spectrum” referring to the abuse rather than the disorder? I would really appreciate some insight if anyone can help. Thank you Professor Sam Vaknin.
Search the channel.
Thanks
Has there been any anecdotal evidence or research if psychedelics have any positive effect on people with cluster b disorders? Like they often have transformative influence on many 'normal' people...
Search the channel.
Yes…😢for society, Judges are also psychopath.
This is hard! To see their masks in public…they are so different at home. No one will ever believe you…especially with the super charming covert cerebrals.
I saw the mask slip off when my ex was annoyed with someone who had, he believed, slighted him. It wasn’t pretty and manifested as cold hard fury. I saw it, physically too when he would wake up in the middle of his sleep (he used to fall asleep at 9pm every night on the dot and he would come in from the spare bedroom to me because he said I snore 🤣) and check on me to see what I was doing, for instance reading a book. His face was different but it was the eyes which were usually pale blue - they were black. I swear to God they were as black as the midnight sky. It used to freak me out. The other time and the last time was the night he discarded me and he was like a dead soul - a shell devoid of emotion and feeling. This was the real him I now believe. So, I believe they show the ‘real’ self when they are either under immense pressure, they dealing with someone who is no longer of use to them or when they’re half asleep and therefore haven’t got their wits about them to put the mask back on. I’ll never forget those eyes!
Can Covert Narcissist be a real christian? He preaches in public, social media, reads, studies, regularly attends baptist church. But has no real empathy, can't stay in relationships , was a swinger in two of his 4 marriages. Runs when those "qualities" are found out. Never compliments, has panic attacks, takes Xanax regularly, but claims publicly he is going to heaven. Sheds tears when he sings hymns or speaks of Jesus. Im so confused! He dated me, treated me good, then got mean when I found out about his swinging past. He said, he wanted to "keep me around as a friend". Then if I balked at all about anything, I'd get the silent treatment. I need to get my heart back!
No they can’t. It’s a mask and a plentiful supply of gullible, naive and empathic people to exploit and utilise in the church. Focus on yourself and you might have a decent chance to heal. Listen to as many of Sam’s videos as you can. Identify your own part in the shared fantasy. May the Force be with you. 🌈
The narcissist mimics. He has to prepare a persona. In any event. Situation. Empathy is absent with these people. They are actors.
Definitely get your heart back.❤
Short answer: no!
Run…. Its a religious mask he’s selling
So sad
Whet if she is a narcissist because of over parenting and pampering instead? Are they still this messed up inside?
Yes.
@@samvaknin she smiles alot and tells everybody she loves them and when had only first started dating her she said she loved me. I told her you don't know me. But she is mostly very pleasant to be around. But a few times I saw the rage for asking her when she was going to be done showering. She had been in there for 3 hours. And she was cheating on me with any man who looked at her or gave a compliment. But denied everything. She thinks she's a good person. It yook years to figure out she was a narsassist. But i told her beauty is fleeting. What are you going to do when you get old.
Bonjour!
You get a french accent while speaking Russian.
Definitely the main takeaway from this video.
@@samvaknin I'm sorry, of course is often extremely interesting (also sometimes realy funny) what you say.
Is there's a mask when s/he's alone?
Yes. S/he IS the mask and only the mask.
It all goes out but nothing gets in- definition of a performer who cannot be an audience 😮
Nicht uebertreiben ☝️