This was so helpful. I had couples counseling with my now ex. His big complaints were around things I hadn’t done. But they were things he never asked me to do. And these were not normal couple expectations around shared responsibilities. These were specific asks (like joining him on a work trip.) I was so frustrated until the counselor said “she’s not a mind reader - these are things you have to communicate.” His response “I shouldn’t have to; she should just know.” Lightbulb moment for me. He never saw me as my own person - just as a wife filling a role that was supposed to just know everything he wanted.
As a young person (19 years old male), who self-diagnoses with NPD, your assessments, Sam, are astute and highly relatable. I have been watching many of your videos at the behest of my wife (who I suspect has BPD) and find myself relating to these behaviors. I have since become disillusioned with many of the things that I do, and recognize them as exhibitions of my grandiosity. For example, I have had explicit thoughts that she should know what I want and expect her to say. NPD is truly a blessing that we have been cursed with. I know a lot of people who watch your videos, Sam, are dealing with a Narcisisst in an external sense. I come with a unique sense of view that I am dealing with the narcissist in an intimate way. For me, I am dealing with him as much as your other viewers are. Reading the comments and seeing the harm that many narcissists have caused, does irk me in some sense. Psychologists have no solution to our conundrum that we did not create nor ask for. However, I know that there is hope for us.
This was mind blowing. All my questions were answered. He said, that he wanted to merge with me. That it makes him more powerful and safe. I didn’t know what he meant.
My narc ex used to triangulate to manipulate me to do whatever she wanted. When I didn't do it, she would get mad. I used to tell her "Tell me what your needs are and I'll fulfill them. Why do you need to say hurtful things?" She said "It's not fun if I have to ask you!" Meaning I had to read every little thing in her mind without her telling me and if I didn't, then I should get punished.
@@chrissoto4878 You can't help these people. Even if they start getting help, as a partner you can only learn how to cope with their triggers. People with full blown disorders can only be abandoned because your life is going to be walking on egg shells forever.
@@chrissoto4878 unfortunately it's part of their toxic cycle. They have fear of abandonment. So when someone gets close to them and becomes important to them, they get anxious. Because of this anxiety they want us to prove to them that we won't abandon them. When that doesn't happen they abuse you which in turn pushes their partner away which makes them even more anxious. One toxic action feeds another and we as partners get caught up in the whirlpool of their emotions not knowing whether to save them or protect ourselves.
how many times I said "How am I supposed to know exactly what you want, I don't have a crystal ball." it got to the point where I started to think the problem was me... and I was trying really hard to get better, forcing myself to adapt to everything she wants, but it was never enough.
I feel that... but it doesn't stop there. The change in your own behaviour gets to a point where you become "toxic" yourself, or say things that hurt. Beware of that, it's a trap... it is exactly what they want so they can frame you as "the problem" from this point on. If they get you this far, all problems that occured during the relationship, and will occure in the future, are suddenly >all< your faults and inadequacies. It's like they get "absolution" for all their previous mistakes, the subliminal manipulations etc., that led you to your breaking point. Sad to understand, when we just tried to give our best to make things work...
You're spot on, Sam. We had 10 acres & a tractor. My ex would spend 3 or 4 hours out working & then when we met, just continue his mental conversation with me. I knew what he was doing, but I never knew why. Or how dangerous it would become. I was definitely "nulled" by the time I left. It's four years later & I'm autonomous & independent.
This is so spot on coz i talked to someone who had issues in her relationship about communication and she was like why should i be telling an adult what he should be doing. Which means she wanted him all along to read her mind. Thats why they do things and they want you to keep guessing of why they did them.
This is the first time I’ve left a comment, but Sam… I have been addicted to your videos for about 2 months now - I can’t get enough! I’m sure this must be every narc-victim’s story to some degree, but I have an odd/unique set of circumstances. My narcissist “boyfriend”, has had me racking my brain since day 1. I am told that My father is a narcissist (according to my mother - she has believed this for many years, with conviction), and I guess I can somewhat see this; I am 41 years old, but I was raised by my dad, alone. I always hated him as a child, but only because he was too strict. I never believed that he didn’t love me (my mother, however, did abandon my father, my older half-sister, and I, when I was about 9-10 years old. I remember her abandoning me even after my parents initial divorce. She was supposed to pick me up on weekends… I clearly recall several fridays where I packed a bag the second I was home from school, and I couldn’t wait to go with her any escape my dad! Coat and shoes and backpack on, I would pace the living room staring out the front window eagerly anticipating my moms blue Chevy cavalier to pick me up. Longer story short, she never showed up. No phone call, no acknowledgment that she did this (to this day).. my dad would try calling her.. I know she didn’t answer his calls. But he told me she had an emergency and she’s so sorry.. in a desperate attempt to save me from complete devastation… but I knew better. Tho, at least I had him.. the man my mother insists is a narcissist who hurt her too deeply to repair- this, I still question. At any rate, the man I’ve dated for the past year, has caused me to be at a complete loss for what has been happening since we met.. it was only once I stumbled upon YOUR videos, that it became BEYOND abundantly clear, that I have been hooked/ trapped by a true narcissist! Thanks to you, I finally have no doubts about the torment I’ve endured for a year now. Even now, every single video you have shared on narcissism; oh my GOD Sam.. it feels like you are analyzing ME AND MY NARC, PERSONALLY! I can’t lie… It’s flipping terrifying! So, to my point here.. I have, for several ironclad reasons, not had a single soul that I have been able to talk to about any of the INSANE crazy things that have happened in my life as a result of this man.. do you do any work with individuals? Or given your passion and ON-POINT knowledge of this subject, is there any chance you may be interested in a research subject?!?!?! Every day since I discovered you, I have been dying to talk to you! I’m sure there are Many who would like to have such a privilege! So, I understand if such a request is out of the question or out of line! In which case, I apologize. I am just at a point where it seems nobody can help me because they all seem to think I am at fault here.. I cannot get anyone to see the reality of the trap I have so blindly found myself deep within… not in truth anyway. There are so many unique and unbelievable things that have led me to this moment of my entire life literally crumbling all around me.. and every time I think it can’t possibly get worse… ugh! Yeah… you guessed it. I feel that I’m in a state of complete shock and awe. I have found the epitome of narcissism, and then, I decided I wanted to date him for a year!!!!! Ahhh! I am just…. In a way where I have lost all control of everything in my life. And at this point, my life is literally in his hands! So naturally, now that I see what’s been at play all this time.. I’m feeling completely hopeless and defeated. All I can do is sit by and watch as I am continually and slowly incinerated.. with no way of defending myself any longer. Despite my circumstances, I am EXTREMELY grateful to you for making these videos and making this information available. I thought I understood narcissism before, HAHA! Wow was I wrong! I get it now! My GOD I get it! I even saw my narc’s face literally morph right in front of me last month! I thought I was going crazy, but I know what I saw! It was when I triggered him! I caught him in a lie, and ohhh my! Talk about true “colors”… or rather… true VOID! Ugh! Ok, I’ll stop here before I can’t! THANK YOU Sam! I cannot tell you just how much your work means to me! Please let me know if you’d be interested in a research subject! If so, IM IN! I’ve got nothing left to lose!!!! Cheers!!! Corey
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Try not to waste energy explaining what can’t be understood. I know it might seem impossible, but try to focus on amassing as much money as you can, any way you can do it w/o him knowing about it. Even if it’s the smallest amount, 5 bucks, 2 bucks, a quarter, whatever you can get your hands however you can do it. Start a fund, an investment in you because you deserve better. Keep depositing into that little fund that no one knows about. A life infinitely better then where yo you are. Create a place like that in your mind & little by little find ways to deposit money into that fund that no one else knows about but you.. Be patient, keep doing it until its a habit, even it’s a dime you see on the ground, pick it up because it’s an investment in your future. An infinitely better life you CAN create for yourself. Don’t be afraid if you don’t know what it will look like, be like, don’t think about anything else but doing whatever you can to grow your fund of money. Know you can’t fail unless you stop putting money into the fund. Eventually, you will have enough money to walk away from him. When you do, run & never look back. Go somewhere he can’t find you. There’s no way to know how a narcissist will react & there’s no reason to find out b/c whatever his reaction it won’t benefit you in any way. You don’t need it so leave it as far behind as you can. Be brave & know there’s at least one other person who believes in you out in the world rooting for you. I believe YOU can do it.
I enjoy listening to you because you make me laugh enough to keep sane. I thought I was going mad but this makes so much sense now. I get yelled at because I asked him a question that he did not know the answer to. I just keep saying but how can I know if you don't know, before I ask if you know. He gets physically distressed and goes into a meltdown. I thought it was dementia and age related but now I see that he is no longer able to keep his emotions in check to hide his problem and he is afraid of being unmasked. Understanding makes it so much easier.
Be careful with the narc injuries. Make sure you are prepared. A discard can come swiftly, out of nowhere, with no mercy not even compliance at any point beyond your control. They have a keen sense when you’re most vulnerable & will use it for max damage. That’s the problem w/ narcs, it’s easy to believe they have a vested interest in you at least on some basic level. But they don’t & they have the capacity to simply discard you like plucking a weed out of a garden.
Everything you have said describes my husband. He would tell me all the things he wants me to do to make him happy but I had to guess when he may want it. For example, he wanted his feet rubbed. Ok, no problem I can do that just tell me when you want it and I will do it. BUT NOOO he wanted me to just do it, randomly. When I would offer he would decline but throw it in my face during an argument that I’m not doing what he wants to make him happy. It was like this for the list of things I needed to do to make him happy. It was so frustrating. Guess it doesn’t matter now. He wants a divorce. And after telling me this numerous times over our four years of marriage, I need to let him go and let him have it.
I wish you the best. I tried for 25 years and it only got worse.... a LOT worse. I bent over backwards. I couldn't win. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. He is self sabotaging and will blame you for all the wrong while taking credit for what's right.
I was married to a narcissist for 31 years. A few months into our marriage, he said, “we’re married, you should be able to read my mind.” I said give me some time… At 30 years, he got mad because I would know what he was going to say and answer the question before he finished it. Oh that made him mad! He’d then say, “you don’t know what I was going to say,” of which, of course I did. I said, “You told me I needed to learn how to read your mind, and now you’re mad because I can!” You can’t win for losing with a narcissist! So glad I’m out! 8 years and he still has to try and mess with my life, even though he’s “happily married” for 7!
...and, just like that, my "wife" makes perfect, incomprehensible, sense. Stunning perspective and French pressed, shade grown, Guatemalan arabica bean coffee for me this morning. Fantastic coffee; my cup went cold on me. I just sat here with my mouth hanging open the entire time you were talking.
I think that this is exactly what he (thinks he) has found in his new wife. Because I couldn’t do this mindreading sufficiently anymore, he left me. He said she is the mirror of his soul en they are completely equal, without any words needed. They understand each other and communicate in no need of any words, purely based on ‘feelings’ and a ‘spiritual bond’. The ‘one’ he had always been looking for and luckily finally found…. To grow together in the the same direction and on the same high and developed level. To be happy for the rest of his life 😂
This is sooo true. Thank you for your many videos/explanations to help make sense of the senseless. And even when you are telepathically guessing his mind, he makes it more complicated to see how far you can follow...failure is inevitable. Fun games. Going on 60 years of this game, but still standing. I very much appreciate your video on the "what IS mental health" ... still checking all boxes. But yes, one has doubts. But the Exit is always connected to finances. Too often there is that stop sign at the Exit, and we remain. But again, many thanks for explaining the things that I have long observed. Now it makes sense. Especially this one... Genisis; In the beginning was nothing... good point
I also thought that… whenever I asked things, he was so angry and annoyed so quickly, precisely because he thought: what are you asking? I am me and you are me too and I do what I want accept it or leave me alone, get it you're not in a position to make decisions here!
I told him every day I am not a drone to know what are you thinking and what are you doing behind me He got me like crazy for 8 years Now I escaped and Live live live Veni vidi vici Narcs are humans photocopy Thank you professor 😊
Amazingly ive just had a weird conversation with a person who believes that society would be better off if technology exists to effortlessly down load other peoples minds. Personally i cant think of anything more horrible.
My Narc😢 wants to shut my voice permanently.. He wants me to supress my emotions unconditionally. What he want is if he tells me to jump,he expects me to jump right away.. He belittles me😢 everytime I expresa myself or explain what I think.. He use to tell me things like his time and decisions are more important than anyone else. He use to rub in my face that I am worthless and I cant find another person that will accept both me and my kids😥.. That he is our only fighting chance to survive this life..
Realise you are not a child at the hands of your parents. You are not helpless or hopeless. Ask yourself this what is the worst case scenario should you leave him? Will you starve to death? I’ve not heard of anyone dying of hunger in Europe have you? Susuan Anderson book on abandonment really helped me- get her books. Start healing your childhood wounds and learn to stand on your own two feet emotionally and financially.
My mother was like this. And by the way, she watches your content, lol. It’s funny to me how some narcissists don’t realise they are the narcs in their relationships, and they think they can deceive other people and themselves when everyone sees through their disguise, with enough time to observe their behaviours. She also thinks she is autistic, she got this idea about a year ago after Dr. Ramani (someone she also watches obsessively) made a video about how autism is different from narcissism. My brother and I are both diagnosed with ASD, we got it from my dad’s side because he is so very obviously autistic (though I would argue he has narcissistic traits, his case is more complex than hers due to CSA/very high ACE scores, his childhood was an absolute nightmare, worse than mine by a lot, so I can’t really judge him knowing what he went through with a falling down alcoholic father, a narcissist mother, and the CSA….), but my mother is simply not. She had her own adversities, but she has a mother that loves her, and she once again expects people to read her mind as you say and gets angry at the slightest deviation from what she wants/needs, like if the house wasn’t cleaned “her” way, or I didn’t anticipate a need she had, she would get FURIOUS. Not just annoyed, but raging angry, as you say. It was scary, but her narcissism makes it make sense. It explains so many of the things that happened, tbh, and why we all have eventually (and, more importantly, independently) arrived at the conclusion she is poisonous to us, as heartbreaking as that is to me. Because it hurts. It feels liberating to say who she is, but it also hurts, because a part of me wishes it weren’t true, but there simply isn’t any denying this is who she is, and who she always was, and who she always will be. And that there is nothing I can do to change that, much as I have tried, and hoped she would somehow change, it never came and I had to put that hope to rest. It’s those small tells that made me see who she really was. I even thought she could potentially be borderline, and though she ticks off some boxes for that, narcissism is what stands out most. I mean, the woman has pictures of only herself in her room, when she could have anything - just her, not even her with us, or with other people, and one’s room is a big tell of what is in one’s heart. In my room, even right now that I am technically homeless (because going back with her is simply not an option, she would destroy me, as she has been slowly doing until I left…), what little of my room I have control of in terms of decoration has pictures of my husband, and a picture of my grandma with my siblings and I, and a few little trinkets that hold sentimental value to me/small gifts my husband has given me that may not be of high material value, but mean more to me than anything she’s ever gifted me because he picked them knowing what I love, and they carry real love. Once, she even gave me back a gift I gave her, lol. I remember I got her a Philosophy creme for Christmas, I was so proud and happy when I did because it was my first real job, and I bought it with my check. And well, she has so many cremes that she forgot I gave it to her, and gave it back to me as a “gift.” I knew it was the same one because it had the tag from where I got it, and it was the same limited edition Christmas scent (she gave it to me in the early autumn, so it would’ve been out of season, so she didn’t get it for me/also I don’t like sweet scents [I like floral only], but she does from that brand because she has vanilla body wash from them, which is why I picked it *for her,* this one was macaron-scented, and she loves macarons/French things generally, so that is why I had picked it for her…) I use it every day now, though, as a reminder to love myself the way she was incapable of loving me, and my husband puts it on me with all the love I deserved. To anyone going through a relationship with a narcissistic person, be it familial or romantic, know that you are worthy of love and that these people sadly cannot love. It is to be pitied, but do not internalise their incapacity for love as a failing on your part - you ARE lovable, and you will find the person who will love you as you deserve. But it first and foremost starts with you - you have to learn to love yourself, because you are the person you will be with for the rest of your life. My husband taught me that, and he is wonderful, but even he has limitations in what he can do to help me, so it falls on me to do for me what I must all the same, though I love him with all my heart, because he’s saved me and has helped me heal me, as I’ve helped heal him, as per his own assessment. THAT is how love is - it is pure and reciprocal. It is communicative, it is gentle, it is kind. All the things my mother wasn’t, and could never be, but I no longer regard her with hatred for this. It would be like hating an alcoholic or a sick person. She has a sickness, and that sickness has sentenced her to a life where she will never be happy, no matter how many designer things she buys. They are merely objects, they cannot love. And that is a tragedy beyond imagination, that I cannot place into words, nor can I save her as I once tried, because she does not wish to be saved. She most likely is stuck like this forever, and that breaks my heart, because I don’t want anyone to suffer, but she has made her choices and I cannot choose for her. All I can do is walk away and wish her well, as all of you can do for your ‘narcissistic/dysfunctional person,’ if you wish to ascribe labels. You can love someone from a safe distance, and with narcissists, it is the only way to love them, because emotional proximity to them is poisonous to the self. Be kind to yourself and avoid that where you can, and where you cannot, place distance accordingly.
One day he asked me, angry... What, now I will need to write a manual about me? After knowing him like for 2 months!!! I was like.. ehhh yah, that's kind of normal we don't know someone else after so few time.................................................................
This was exactly what happened to me 😅 he always wanted me to know what happens inside him and then I accidentally did one thing wrong in his opinion and he was extremely angry and told me I did not protect him properly and I should have known 😅 and then I left him and he craved for me, but also was aggressive. Like hate-love. Then he wanted to forbid me doing things like going on party and I told him he’s a psycho and a control-freak 😅 and he said to me I’m traumatising him and asked me if he is a wrong existence. That’s sooo sad and crazy. I think he knows that he’s ill. 😕
Thanks Sam, I understood and related to ever word of this lesson. After 3 years of learning from your lessons I was able to completely understand this but also it fit, it describes my mental relationship with my ex. It hard to believe explain to people but since I left him I would question myself and my role/wants/behaviour in the now I know shared fantasy, looking back I could see that I really controlled myself in ways, I was good at knowing what his needs were and how to meet them… obviously not all the time, i have felt a bit annoyed at myself for being such a good ‘mind reader’ in the relationship but this has helped me understand the dynamics. I was being punished when I didn’t fully know or meet his needs/wants/expectations. As you mentioned to A more detailed video on the differences between this and co dependency would be really helpful to gain even more clarity if and when you have time. Thanks for all you work
@@samvaknin I think I’ve watched almost everything now, some I keep going back to again and again, it’s complex information but I keep notes and try to learn the most important stuff, I’d say I’ll need you videos/lessons for the rest of my life. I actually found you after 1 year on the social media fake news bubble of narcissism. I knew what I was hearing didn’t describe my experience, I needed to understand how/why I was involved, the role I played in it and that’s when I found you and it helped me move out of victim mode, victim mode was not sitting right with me, it felt narcissistic, as you describe. So thanks, your my life line really
So true. I can relate. He accused me of being too motherly and then when I stopped he accused me of being indifferent. He made a scene in the middle of the road shouting and screaming like a child.
@SamVaknin Of all the names for the narcissists mother you could have picked you chose my (ex)mother in laws name. You must have been reading my mind 😂
I'm halfway through, but wanted to comment. Would this also explain his paranoia. Why is external me loving and trusting of him when I should see all the sordid cheating and lies, as I am part of his mind? That would explain a lot. He was paranoid I was out to get him, watching him, planning to have him beaten up. I didn't know what the hell was going on at that point. I just tried to reassure him constantly and love him. So, the external me was a liar and "pretending" I didn't know what he was up to, because according to him, I should have seen it already
Is this the same with siblings? As an adult could a brother (for example 😉) have an internalised object of their other only sibling? As they grow older brother has 0 connection to sister unless bringing up memories from childhood. No interest in sister as a external person? Pronouns could switch. A very interesting chat to think about, thank you Sam!
I’m realizing how on point the mothering aspect is, I had no idea! 😮 Prof Vaknin, is it just an impossibility to ever be authentic with a narcissist? I’m bpd so is my only best hope an inauthentic relationship with a narcissist? I’m steps away from leaving one after 20+ years but I’m sad that they/you/me/us cluster bs are so hopeless in relationships!! I’m still hoping 🍀
Greets from Ireland .Love your flow of info. Haha no acade mic 'highness' but keen detail nontheless.A wee question. How can a sibling use the mechanism of avatar internalisation on other sibling who was not the haha abandoning mother.Can get the play out but if mum abandoned one is it likely she abandoned the rest of the nest.? xx🐝
The narcissist is looking for unconditional love or acceptance. Only a mother can provide this. He converts all significant people in his life into maternal figures.
Hi. I'm still awake and I'm thinking about one thing. In one of the last of your videos you were talking about how bullied children could develop into covert narcissist. If they developed NPD after separation process they would looking for maternal figure also?
Sam, thank you for your insight. Can I ask how these processes relate to the narcissist and their children (my father isn't diagnosed but he is narcissistic, my sister is diagnosed with bpd)? Are the processes similar for children? Eg does the narcissist "snapshot" you as a child and create this as his intraject? Do similar processes described in this video also apply in the same/similar way Eg he has a picture of what a as the child is also expected to mind read as you are a part of him? Is this why some children are scapegoated more than others? Because they challenge separateness and challenge the ideal? If its of any relevance, my mother is his enabler who can also be quite abusive in her own right, I think this is more when you have done something that may upset him or downgrade the "family image". I find many videos focus on what the family cult looks like and the roles children play but don't go into more details about how narcissists relate to their children. Some insight into the internal workings of the narcissist in relation to this would be helpful. Thank you
* does the narcissist have an ideal version of what a child should be and is the child expected to read the narcissists mind in the same way as the partner etc (as these unspoken rules apply to the whole family unit, in my experience)... Sorry, I just wanted to clarify my question as I saw some had been missed out. Thank you
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"If a narcissist wants you to have a mind, he will give it to you"😂😂😂😂😂
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This was so helpful. I had couples counseling with my now ex. His big complaints were around things I hadn’t done. But they were things he never asked me to do. And these were not normal couple expectations around shared responsibilities. These were specific asks (like joining him on a work trip.) I was so frustrated until the counselor said “she’s not a mind reader - these are things you have to communicate.” His response “I shouldn’t have to; she should just know.” Lightbulb moment for me. He never saw me as my own person - just as a wife filling a role that was supposed to just know everything he wanted.
As a young person (19 years old male), who self-diagnoses with NPD, your assessments, Sam, are astute and highly relatable. I have been watching many of your videos at the behest of my wife (who I suspect has BPD) and find myself relating to these behaviors. I have since become disillusioned with many of the things that I do, and recognize them as exhibitions of my grandiosity. For example, I have had explicit thoughts that she should know what I want and expect her to say. NPD is truly a blessing that we have been cursed with.
I know a lot of people who watch your videos, Sam, are dealing with a Narcisisst in an external sense. I come with a unique sense of view that I am dealing with the narcissist in an intimate way. For me, I am dealing with him as much as your other viewers are. Reading the comments and seeing the harm that many narcissists have caused, does irk me in some sense. Psychologists have no solution to our conundrum that we did not create nor ask for. However, I know that there is hope for us.
This was mind blowing. All my questions were answered. He said, that he wanted to merge with me. That it makes him more powerful and safe. I didn’t know what he meant.
My narc ex used to triangulate to manipulate me to do whatever she wanted. When I didn't do it, she would get mad. I used to tell her "Tell me what your needs are and I'll fulfill them. Why do you need to say hurtful things?" She said "It's not fun if I have to ask you!"
Meaning I had to read every little thing in her mind without her telling me and if I didn't, then I should get punished.
Fuck her , no contact like I did
@@chrissoto4878 You can't help these people. Even if they start getting help, as a partner you can only learn how to cope with their triggers. People with full blown disorders can only be abandoned because your life is going to be walking on egg shells forever.
@@chrissoto4878 unfortunately it's part of their toxic cycle. They have fear of abandonment. So when someone gets close to them and becomes important to them, they get anxious. Because of this anxiety they want us to prove to them that we won't abandon them. When that doesn't happen they abuse you which in turn pushes their partner away which makes them even more anxious. One toxic action feeds another and we as partners get caught up in the whirlpool of their emotions not knowing whether to save them or protect ourselves.
They also have words in their heads they want to hear from you and are very disappointed if they dont here them and get pretty angry
It's all so true. Sam, you are so good at explaining. It is so educational and sickening all at the same time.
how many times I said "How am I supposed to know exactly what you want, I don't have a crystal ball." it got to the point where I started to think the problem was me... and I was trying really hard to get better, forcing myself to adapt to everything she wants, but it was never enough.
I feel that... but it doesn't stop there. The change in your own behaviour gets to a point where you become "toxic" yourself, or say things that hurt. Beware of that, it's a trap... it is exactly what they want so they can frame you as "the problem" from this point on. If they get you this far, all problems that occured during the relationship, and will occure in the future, are suddenly >all< your faults and inadequacies. It's like they get "absolution" for all their previous mistakes, the subliminal manipulations etc., that led you to your breaking point.
Sad to understand, when we just tried to give our best to make things work...
What you are saying is that a narcissist perceives the reality in totally different ways than normal people, it’s easy to forget when dealing with one
He expects us to analyse him as he does us but we have no clue how to do that when he is closed book
Yes. Ditto.
More so: you’re suppose to fall into and be apart of the narcissistic fantasy and play the role. If it’s not your fantasy as well…good luck
Narcs don’t even analyze people effectively. They just project roles onto them. They’re SO lame for that.
You're spot on, Sam. We had 10 acres & a tractor. My ex would spend 3 or 4 hours out working & then when we met, just continue his mental conversation with me. I knew what he was doing, but I never knew why. Or how dangerous it would become. I was definitely "nulled" by the time I left. It's four years later & I'm autonomous & independent.
Keep going, you are hero
This is so spot on coz i talked to someone who had issues in her relationship about communication and she was like why should i be telling an adult what he should be doing. Which means she wanted him all along to read her mind. Thats why they do things and they want you to keep guessing of why they did them.
This is the first time I’ve left a comment, but Sam… I have been addicted to your videos for about 2 months now - I can’t get enough! I’m sure this must be every narc-victim’s story to some degree, but I have an odd/unique set of circumstances. My narcissist “boyfriend”, has had me racking my brain since day 1. I am told that My father is a narcissist (according to my mother - she has believed this for many years, with conviction), and I guess I can somewhat see this; I am 41 years old, but I was raised by my dad, alone. I always hated him as a child, but only because he was too strict. I never believed that he didn’t love me (my mother, however, did abandon my father, my older half-sister, and I, when I was about 9-10 years old. I remember her abandoning me even after my parents initial divorce. She was supposed to pick me up on weekends… I clearly recall several fridays where I packed a bag the second I was home from school, and I couldn’t wait to go with her any escape my dad! Coat and shoes and backpack on, I would pace the living room staring out the front window eagerly anticipating my moms blue Chevy cavalier to pick me up. Longer story short, she never showed up. No phone call, no acknowledgment that she did this (to this day).. my dad would try calling her.. I know she didn’t answer his calls. But he told me she had an emergency and she’s so sorry.. in a desperate attempt to save me from complete devastation… but I knew better. Tho, at least I had him.. the man my mother insists is a narcissist who hurt her too deeply to repair- this, I still question. At any rate, the man I’ve dated for the past year, has caused me to be at a complete loss for what has been happening since we met.. it was only once I stumbled upon YOUR videos, that it became BEYOND abundantly clear, that I have been hooked/ trapped by a true narcissist! Thanks to you, I finally have no doubts about the torment I’ve endured for a year now. Even now, every single video you have shared on narcissism; oh my GOD Sam.. it feels like you are analyzing ME AND MY NARC, PERSONALLY! I can’t lie… It’s flipping terrifying!
So, to my point here.. I have, for several ironclad reasons, not had a single soul that I have been able to talk to about any of the INSANE crazy things that have happened in my life as a result of this man.. do you do any work with individuals? Or given your passion and ON-POINT knowledge of this subject, is there any chance you may be interested in a research subject?!?!?! Every day since I discovered you, I have been dying to talk to you! I’m sure there are Many who would like to have such a privilege! So, I understand if such a request is out of the question or out of line! In which case, I apologize. I am just at a point where it seems nobody can help me because they all seem to think I am at fault here.. I cannot get anyone to see the reality of the trap I have so blindly found myself deep within… not in truth anyway. There are so many unique and unbelievable things that have led me to this moment of my entire life literally crumbling all around me.. and every time I think it can’t possibly get worse… ugh! Yeah… you guessed it. I feel that I’m in a state of complete shock and awe. I have found the epitome of narcissism, and then, I decided I wanted to date him for a year!!!!! Ahhh! I am just…. In a way where I have lost all control of everything in my life. And at this point, my life is literally in his hands! So naturally, now that I see what’s been at play all this time.. I’m feeling completely hopeless and defeated. All I can do is sit by and watch as I am continually and slowly incinerated.. with no way of defending myself any longer.
Despite my circumstances, I am EXTREMELY grateful to you for making these videos and making this information available. I thought I understood narcissism before, HAHA! Wow was I wrong! I get it now! My GOD I get it! I even saw my narc’s face literally morph right in front of me last month! I thought I was going crazy, but I know what I saw! It was when I triggered him! I caught him in a lie, and ohhh my! Talk about true “colors”… or rather… true VOID!
Ugh!
Ok, I’ll stop here before I can’t! THANK YOU Sam! I cannot tell you just how much your work means to me! Please let me know if you’d be interested in a research subject! If so, IM IN! I’ve got nothing left to lose!!!!
Cheers!!!
Corey
You need to leave the damn narcissist
@bettinahippel5660 there is no such time as ready. Being homeless is literally better than spending one more second in psychological warfare.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Try not to waste energy explaining what can’t be understood. I know it might seem impossible, but try to focus on amassing as much money as you can, any way you can do it w/o him knowing about it. Even if it’s the smallest amount, 5 bucks, 2 bucks, a quarter, whatever you can get your hands however you can do it. Start a fund, an investment in you because you deserve better. Keep depositing into that little fund that no one knows about. A life infinitely better then where yo you are. Create a place like that in your mind & little by little find ways to deposit money into that fund that no one else knows about but you.. Be patient, keep doing it until its a habit, even it’s a dime you see on the ground, pick it up because it’s an investment in your future. An infinitely better life you CAN create for yourself. Don’t be afraid if you don’t know what it will look like, be like, don’t think about anything else but doing whatever you can to grow your fund of money. Know you can’t fail unless you stop putting money into the fund. Eventually, you will have enough money to walk away from him. When you do, run & never look back. Go somewhere he can’t find you. There’s no way to know how a narcissist will react & there’s no reason to find out b/c whatever his reaction it won’t benefit you in any way. You don’t need it so leave it as far behind as you can. Be brave & know there’s at least one other person who believes in you out in the world rooting for you. I believe YOU can do it.
Love him as a mother!Can you believe it?How could a mother love a monster-that's what they are.
Thank you for all your videos.
I enjoy listening to you because you make me laugh enough to keep sane. I thought I was going mad but this makes so much sense now. I get yelled at because I asked him a question that he did not know the answer to. I just keep saying but how can I know if you don't know, before I ask if you know. He gets physically distressed and goes into a meltdown. I thought it was dementia and age related but now I see that he is no longer able to keep his emotions in check to hide his problem and he is afraid of being unmasked. Understanding makes it so much easier.
Be careful with the narc injuries. Make sure you are prepared. A discard can come swiftly, out of nowhere, with no mercy not even compliance at any point beyond your control. They have a keen sense when you’re most vulnerable & will use it for max damage. That’s the problem w/ narcs, it’s easy to believe they have a vested interest in you at least on some basic level. But they don’t & they have the capacity to simply discard you like plucking a weed out of a garden.
Everything you have said describes my husband. He would tell me all the things he wants me to do to make him happy but I had to guess when he may want it. For example, he wanted his feet rubbed. Ok, no problem I can do that just tell me when you want it and I will do it. BUT NOOO he wanted me to just do it, randomly. When I would offer he would decline but throw it in my face during an argument that I’m not doing what he wants to make him happy. It was like this for the list of things I needed to do to make him happy. It was so frustrating. Guess it doesn’t matter now. He wants a divorce. And after telling me this numerous times over our four years of marriage, I need to let him go and let him have it.
I wish you the best. I tried for 25 years and it only got worse.... a LOT worse. I bent over backwards. I couldn't win. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. He is self sabotaging and will blame you for all the wrong while taking credit for what's right.
I know this feeling, is something like "you are not doing to make me happy, you are doing because I told you". It's never enough.
😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😊😊😊😊😅😅😅😅😊😊😅😅😅 12:54 12:58 33:11 34:09 34:12 42:35 44:19
This made me cry. He actually said when we were dating that he thought I could read his mind.
She used to tell me.." their things you should be doing for me " when i ask what, she couldnt answere.. and she would get angry!
I was married to a narcissist for 31 years. A few months into our marriage, he said, “we’re married, you should be able to read my mind.” I said give me some time… At 30 years, he got mad because I would know what he was going to say and answer the question before he finished it. Oh that made him mad! He’d then say, “you don’t know what I was going to say,” of which, of course I did. I said, “You told me I needed to learn how to read your mind, and now you’re mad because I can!” You can’t win for losing with a narcissist! So glad I’m out! 8 years and he still has to try and mess with my life, even though he’s “happily married” for 7!
...and, just like that, my "wife" makes perfect, incomprehensible, sense.
Stunning perspective and French pressed, shade grown, Guatemalan arabica bean coffee for me this morning. Fantastic coffee; my cup went cold on me.
I just sat here with my mouth hanging open the entire time you were talking.
You just described the last 5 years of my life! ♥
you are helping me so much Dr.Vaknin. thank you! you are the salt of the earth, no joke
I think that this is exactly what he (thinks he) has found in his new wife. Because I couldn’t do this mindreading sufficiently anymore, he left me. He said she is the mirror of his soul en they are completely equal, without any words needed. They understand each other and communicate in no need of any words, purely based on ‘feelings’ and a ‘spiritual bond’. The ‘one’ he had always been looking for and luckily finally found…. To grow together in the the same direction and on the same high and developed level. To be happy for the rest of his life 😂
Multumesc domnule profesor pentru tot ceeace ne invatati. Respect!
This is sooo true. Thank you for your many videos/explanations to help make sense of the senseless. And even when you are telepathically guessing his mind, he makes it more complicated to see how far you can follow...failure is inevitable. Fun games. Going on 60 years of this game, but still standing. I very much appreciate your video on the "what IS mental health" ... still checking all boxes. But yes, one has doubts. But the Exit is always connected to finances. Too often there is that stop sign at the Exit, and we remain. But again, many thanks for explaining the things that I have long observed. Now it makes sense. Especially this one... Genisis; In the beginning was nothing... good point
Thankyou for opening my eyes to the complexity of this mental condition.
I also thought that… whenever I asked things, he was so angry and annoyed so quickly, precisely because he thought: what are you asking? I am me and you are me too and I do what I want accept it or leave me alone, get it you're not in a position to make decisions here!
I told him every day
I am not a drone to know what are you thinking and what are you doing behind me
He got me like crazy for 8 years
Now I escaped and Live live live
Veni vidi vici
Narcs are humans photocopy
Thank you professor 😊
Thank you !!!
Amazingly ive just had a weird conversation with a person who believes that society would be better off if technology exists to effortlessly down load other peoples minds. Personally i cant think of anything more horrible.
My Narc😢 wants to shut my voice permanently.. He wants me to supress my emotions unconditionally.
What he want is if he tells me to jump,he expects me to jump right away..
He belittles me😢 everytime I expresa myself or explain what I think..
He use to tell me things like his time and decisions are more important than anyone else.
He use to rub in my face that I am worthless and I cant find another person that will accept both me and my kids😥.. That he is our only fighting chance to survive this life..
Realise you are not a child at the hands of your parents. You are not helpless or hopeless. Ask yourself this what is the worst case scenario should you leave him? Will you starve to death? I’ve not heard of anyone dying of hunger in Europe have you? Susuan Anderson book on abandonment really helped me- get her books. Start healing your childhood wounds and learn to stand on your own two feet emotionally and financially.
My mother was like this. And by the way, she watches your content, lol.
It’s funny to me how some narcissists don’t realise they are the narcs in their relationships, and they think they can deceive other people and themselves when everyone sees through their disguise, with enough time to observe their behaviours.
She also thinks she is autistic, she got this idea about a year ago after Dr. Ramani (someone she also watches obsessively) made a video about how autism is different from narcissism. My brother and I are both diagnosed with ASD, we got it from my dad’s side because he is so very obviously autistic (though I would argue he has narcissistic traits, his case is more complex than hers due to CSA/very high ACE scores, his childhood was an absolute nightmare, worse than mine by a lot, so I can’t really judge him knowing what he went through with a falling down alcoholic father, a narcissist mother, and the CSA….), but my mother is simply not. She had her own adversities, but she has a mother that loves her, and she once again expects people to read her mind as you say and gets angry at the slightest deviation from what she wants/needs, like if the house wasn’t cleaned “her” way, or I didn’t anticipate a need she had, she would get FURIOUS. Not just annoyed, but raging angry, as you say.
It was scary, but her narcissism makes it make sense. It explains so many of the things that happened, tbh, and why we all have eventually (and, more importantly, independently) arrived at the conclusion she is poisonous to us, as heartbreaking as that is to me. Because it hurts. It feels liberating to say who she is, but it also hurts, because a part of me wishes it weren’t true, but there simply isn’t any denying this is who she is, and who she always was, and who she always will be. And that there is nothing I can do to change that, much as I have tried, and hoped she would somehow change, it never came and I had to put that hope to rest.
It’s those small tells that made me see who she really was. I even thought she could potentially be borderline, and though she ticks off some boxes for that, narcissism is what stands out most. I mean, the woman has pictures of only herself in her room, when she could have anything - just her, not even her with us, or with other people, and one’s room is a big tell of what is in one’s heart. In my room, even right now that I am technically homeless (because going back with her is simply not an option, she would destroy me, as she has been slowly doing until I left…), what little of my room I have control of in terms of decoration has pictures of my husband, and a picture of my grandma with my siblings and I, and a few little trinkets that hold sentimental value to me/small gifts my husband has given me that may not be of high material value, but mean more to me than anything she’s ever gifted me because he picked them knowing what I love, and they carry real love.
Once, she even gave me back a gift I gave her, lol. I remember I got her a Philosophy creme for Christmas, I was so proud and happy when I did because it was my first real job, and I bought it with my check. And well, she has so many cremes that she forgot I gave it to her, and gave it back to me as a “gift.” I knew it was the same one because it had the tag from where I got it, and it was the same limited edition Christmas scent (she gave it to me in the early autumn, so it would’ve been out of season, so she didn’t get it for me/also I don’t like sweet scents [I like floral only], but she does from that brand because she has vanilla body wash from them, which is why I picked it *for her,* this one was macaron-scented, and she loves macarons/French things generally, so that is why I had picked it for her…)
I use it every day now, though, as a reminder to love myself the way she was incapable of loving me, and my husband puts it on me with all the love I deserved. To anyone going through a relationship with a narcissistic person, be it familial or romantic, know that you are worthy of love and that these people sadly cannot love. It is to be pitied, but do not internalise their incapacity for love as a failing on your part - you ARE lovable, and you will find the person who will love you as you deserve. But it first and foremost starts with you - you have to learn to love yourself, because you are the person you will be with for the rest of your life. My husband taught me that, and he is wonderful, but even he has limitations in what he can do to help me, so it falls on me to do for me what I must all the same, though I love him with all my heart, because he’s saved me and has helped me heal me, as I’ve helped heal him, as per his own assessment.
THAT is how love is - it is pure and reciprocal. It is communicative, it is gentle, it is kind. All the things my mother wasn’t, and could never be, but I no longer regard her with hatred for this. It would be like hating an alcoholic or a sick person. She has a sickness, and that sickness has sentenced her to a life where she will never be happy, no matter how many designer things she buys. They are merely objects, they cannot love. And that is a tragedy beyond imagination, that I cannot place into words, nor can I save her as I once tried, because she does not wish to be saved. She most likely is stuck like this forever, and that breaks my heart, because I don’t want anyone to suffer, but she has made her choices and I cannot choose for her.
All I can do is walk away and wish her well, as all of you can do for your ‘narcissistic/dysfunctional person,’ if you wish to ascribe labels. You can love someone from a safe distance, and with narcissists, it is the only way to love them, because emotional proximity to them is poisonous to the self. Be kind to yourself and avoid that where you can, and where you cannot, place distance accordingly.
ASD and ADHD here. Father same and narc mother. Funny how this is a pattern that repeats. Unfortunately we appear to be easy prey.
One day he asked me, angry... What, now I will need to write a manual about me? After knowing him like for 2 months!!! I was like.. ehhh yah, that's kind of normal we don't know someone else after so few time.................................................................
Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin ❤.
The Prof. is The Bestest ... 😢😅😂
Possibly one of the most toxic traits
This was exactly what happened to me 😅 he always wanted me to know what happens inside him and then I accidentally did one thing wrong in his opinion and he was extremely angry and told me I did not protect him properly and I should have known 😅 and then I left him and he craved for me, but also was aggressive. Like hate-love. Then he wanted to forbid me doing things like going on party and I told him he’s a psycho and a control-freak 😅 and he said to me I’m traumatising him and asked me if he is a wrong existence. That’s sooo sad and crazy. I think he knows that he’s ill. 😕
Im awake !
A cada vídeo uma revelação, parece que não tem fim. Obrigada pela legenda em português 👏🇧🇷
Thanks go to @NarcisismocomMirna
Thanks Sam, I understood and related to ever word of this lesson. After 3 years of learning from your lessons I was able to completely understand this but also it fit, it describes my mental relationship with my ex. It hard to believe explain to people but since I left him I would question myself and my role/wants/behaviour in the now I know shared fantasy, looking back I could see that I really controlled myself in ways, I was good at knowing what his needs were and how to meet them… obviously not all the time, i have felt a bit annoyed at myself for being such a good ‘mind reader’ in the relationship but this has helped me understand the dynamics. I was being punished when I didn’t fully know or meet his needs/wants/expectations. As you mentioned to A more detailed video on the differences between this and co dependency would be really helpful to gain even more clarity if and when you have time. Thanks for all you work
A more thorough search of my channel would be really useful.
@@samvaknin I think I’ve watched almost everything now, some I keep going back to again and again, it’s complex information but I keep notes and try to learn the most important stuff, I’d say I’ll need you videos/lessons for the rest of my life. I actually found you after 1 year on the social media fake news bubble of narcissism. I knew what I was hearing didn’t describe my experience, I needed to understand how/why I was involved, the role I played in it and that’s when I found you and it helped me move out of victim mode, victim mode was not sitting right with me, it felt narcissistic, as you describe. So thanks, your my life line really
@@samvaknin I bought some books also!
And yet, you become chastised for being overbearing or “mothering”.
So true. I can relate. He accused me of being too motherly and then when I stopped he accused me of being indifferent. He made a scene in the middle of the road shouting and screaming like a child.
@SamVaknin Of all the names for the narcissists mother you could have picked you chose my (ex)mother in laws name. You must have been reading my mind 😂
Great information thank you 😊
I'm halfway through, but wanted to comment.
Would this also explain his paranoia. Why is external me loving and trusting of him when I should see all the sordid cheating and lies, as I am part of his mind? That would explain a lot.
He was paranoid I was out to get him, watching him, planning to have him beaten up. I didn't know what the hell was going on at that point. I just tried to reassure him constantly and love him.
So, the external me was a liar and "pretending" I didn't know what he was up to, because according to him, I should have seen it already
I can take a lot, i mean we are only humans after all but if someone would think i don't have a mind of my own ... Houston we have a problem.
Is this the same with siblings? As an adult could a brother (for example 😉) have an internalised object of their other only sibling? As they grow older brother has 0 connection to sister unless bringing up memories from childhood. No interest in sister as a external person? Pronouns could switch.
A very interesting chat to think about, thank you Sam!
Yes. It applies to all interpersonal relationships.
Interesting! Thank you
yes
I’m realizing how on point the mothering aspect is, I had no idea! 😮
Prof Vaknin, is it just an impossibility to ever be authentic with a narcissist? I’m bpd so is my only best hope an inauthentic relationship with a narcissist? I’m steps away from leaving one after 20+ years but I’m sad that they/you/me/us cluster bs are so hopeless in relationships!! I’m still hoping 🍀
Search the channel.
Greets from Ireland .Love your flow of info. Haha no acade mic 'highness' but keen detail nontheless.A wee question. How can a sibling use the mechanism of avatar internalisation on other sibling who was not the haha abandoning mother.Can get the play out but if mum abandoned one is it likely she abandoned the rest of the nest.? xx🐝
The narcissist is looking for unconditional love or acceptance. Only a mother can provide this. He converts all significant people in his life into maternal figures.
Hi. I'm still awake and I'm thinking about one thing. In one of the last of your videos you were talking about how bullied children could develop into covert narcissist. If they developed NPD after separation process they would looking for maternal figure also?
Narcissists fail to go through separation.
So what I'm getting is that, the external object intimidates the narcissist and that's why he wants it gone so you can be on the same page with him
Sam, thank you for your insight.
Can I ask how these processes relate to the narcissist and their children (my father isn't diagnosed but he is narcissistic, my sister is diagnosed with bpd)?
Are the processes similar for children? Eg does the narcissist "snapshot" you as a child and create this as his intraject? Do similar processes described in this video also apply in the same/similar way Eg he has a picture of what a as the child is also expected to mind read as you are a part of him? Is this why some children are scapegoated more than others? Because they challenge separateness and challenge the ideal?
If its of any relevance, my mother is his enabler who can also be quite abusive in her own right, I think this is more when you have done something that may upset him or downgrade the "family image".
I find many videos focus on what the family cult looks like and the roles children play but don't go into more details about how narcissists relate to their children. Some insight into the internal workings of the narcissist in relation to this would be helpful.
Thank you
* does the narcissist have an ideal version of what a child should be and is the child expected to read the narcissists mind in the same way as the partner etc (as these unspoken rules apply to the whole family unit, in my experience)... Sorry, I just wanted to clarify my question as I saw some had been missed out. Thank you
Yes. All the narcissist's interpersonal relationships are mediated via the shared fantasy.
THE LINK IS NOT IN THE DESCRIPTION SIR.
I DEMAND A FREE CONSULATION
lol
Videos translated to Portuguese www.youtube.com/@narcisismocommirna
ua-cam.com/video/UxgZnVTyWRk/v-deo.html
The lecture and this song are siamese twins.