Olivia Perryman , I said I wouldn’t study narcissism further but I have. I think it’s important to find a support group, and in a weird way, this is it. My friends, my therapist, and even my attorney don’t get what we go through. Somehow we need to find the life coaching our parents never gave us. If someone says, “ It was just your imagination if you thought I was flirting “, game over. No need to discuss it further. We are enough. Ross Rosenberg was the first to red flag covert narcissism which was exceptionally helpful. Dr.Ramani Durvasula wrote “ Should I Stay Or Should I Go?” It identifies tell tale behaviors of different styles of narcissism to help us avoid a repeat. I plan to use it as a life handbook. I don’t wallow in “Woa is me” narcissism research, but if I’m a codependent, I need to know what self love really looks like.
Thanks Ross for your work. A cerebral/anorexic co-dependent here. We have all been touched by narcissists with devastating consequences both personally and professionally. We need a discussion at the macro society level to ensure children have proper attachment so we can reduce narcissists and codependents in future generations.
So I’m a cerebral SLD which explains why I’ve tried to crack the code for 12 years and have only experienced frustration, heartache, and pain that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. What a rollercoaster ride this has been and to what end? What a waste of valuable energy I could have used to build a business, adopt a child, perfect a craft... the possibilities are endless. The illusion of converting the narc is more addicting than any drug out there.
Ms Writer indeed. I truly believe that God used this Narc to break down my ego and my faith in man In order to cause me to seek truth and find him. If my life kept going fine and dandy I would have never sought out my Lord and Savior. The Lord uses wicked man to fulfill his righteous will. God bless you.
I feel you. If codependent love could cure the cluster B... Invested so much, 12 years too, so that I could see my kryptonite and heal myself. Healing by turning the cerebral SLD inward and giving to ourselves what we tried to give another, unconditional LOVE!
Yeah prayer specifically cause God really be ready for us to jump on bores I asked for him to instill in me and what I sought for from others to help me give me all the goodness I gave to others baby when I tell u it happened overnight
Thank you Ross. Until now, I couldn't accept that I am a codependent - SLD because I was arguing, fighting, constantly asking for fair treatment, sometimes pushy and needy. I was considering maybe really I am the narcissist. The narcissist was able to convince me that I am selfish and gaslight me again. But now, after this video, I realized that I was an Active SLD and now everything has more sense. Now I am cerebral, but concentrating on healing. Thank you again
Are you still doing the active role or have you switched? I was active and oblivious before I knew he was a narc now I am cerebral and anorexic, but full well know there is no way to heal him, just myself. So what are you when you heal yourself and have to stay in in for the kids, or is that an oxymoron?
"If I keep learning and gaining knowledge then I can be saved." Story of my life and marriage. P.S.: It didn't work, but now I'm truly on the road to knowing myself fully and thus being healed. - recovering SLD (aka cerebral co-dependent)
otaku4Gaijin I couldn’t agree more with this statement. I went from active to cerebral because it’s in my nature to fight back and try to solve my problems away. I realized that this is a defense mechanism to protect myself from the deep pain of realizing this will never be a mutually loving and respectful marriage.
The cognitive dissonance is the main problem of all the types. It keeps you in the game. I found it very shocking afterwards that this was such a strong mechanism, I literally blocked certain things in my memory until a friend or my sister brought it up again after I had ended the relationship. Truly shocking
The HUGEIST thing for me is when you say that Codependency is NOT a personality flaw...but is a behavior in relationships!!! OMG!!!! I have been trying to figure out "what is wrong with me" for all of my life....feeling guilt and shame from my trauma bonded childhood, trying to earn love...trying to finally get it right!! Still waiting for the red sea to part and FINALLY getting the love I truly deserve after 66 years of life!! Its SO great to know there is nothing wrong with me other than "behavior"! I have been told over and over that I'm needy, crazy, manipulating even abusive by the narcissists in my life...yet they give nothing...I never asked them for a thing..yet I"M the one that is needy!! I couldn't understand it!! I'm used by my kids to babysit...am there to help and give, give, give!!
Wow. Let's all donate some money for the free therapy help!! So generous of you Ross!! Thank you. This video is peeling open the abyss of HELL for many people to escape their trap. I am healing with the help of these Codependency and Narc videos. I am a mix of ALL 5 traits, and especially the intellect and anorexic, plus I had an eating disorder years ago, (binging from inner anger.) My dad terrorized us kids, and then i married a short napoleanic NARC. But i am relaizing, I deny my self , my inner swagger and female sexual power , (anorexic label) but give my sexual energy away when i run into masculine good looking NARCS who are my "friends" . I have felt disassociated from honoring my instincts. Ive been so blind!!! Im finally realizing , this is an inner game of thrones, within our minds and body. For me the greatest power source comes from processing my belief that , God (Christ) came to this earth to be crushed , in order for us to change our sense of, who we are to the Creator, as His Spirit children that he made to, expand and live fully. This sense of me, adopted into royalty , melts my shame and allows my self love to expand from deep within. Ross hits this answer with his insights about this problem being self love deficiency. I think Ross and Lisa Ramano are psychological bad asses, here to release us from prison... thru their journey into hell , they provide the keys for others. Thank you Ross. Great hair and beard. People should have a way to donate a buck or two. It could add up .. I'd pay $1.99 , everytime if i could see a link !!!
Proud of you. Ditto on active, cerebral. Covert narcissist gone. Held the line through legal with favorable settlement. Trying to pick up pieces, heal and then...thrive?
🌻 My Goodness. My goodness. My goodness. I'll be 50 yrs old this yr. Co-dependent, and a low achiever financially. My God Ross, you are such a blessing. Bits and pieces of what you talk about have been coming to me (clarity) through this last decade. I'll be damn if I'm not PISSED OFF at this stage of my life of ALL this time that has been wasted dealing with this trauma. I don't know HOW to break out of this slow mental cycle of low achievement financially. That's sad in itself because I'm 49 yrs old now. But I want to live and be at peace if that makes sense. Love you and appreciate your videos. You just 'popped' up on my feed a couple of wks ago..😳☺..
Thank you for this new insight, dr Ross! I am definitely a recovering active SLD, not giving as many chances to narcissistic people any more as I had used to. Education is a must, then step by step a change into healing can come. Respectfully, the saying goes, Insanity is to do the same things over and over again, and expect different results. Deeply grateful. God bless you!
I have been Active and when that failed, I started looking for answers. I became Oblivious for years after I found your videos 5 years ago and shut down. I was Passive in my relationship to survive and this eventually became Anorexic within the relationship. Very dissociated. I am now the Reader - because I've gotten stronger. Dr Ross, These are coping styles one person can have over the years.
I feel like I went through each one of these in different stages of the relationship and after it ended . passive. active. oblivious. Anorexic. cerebral . in that order .
Thank you, Ross. Your insight, which I know has been gained through your own and others pain, has helped me to understand my relationships in a way that gives me hope. I literally sit nodding in agreement when you explain your concepts because you're so nailing what I have experienced. Bless you, brother.
I am a Cerebral SLD. I started out as passive, though, when I accepted being codependent to my narcissistic mother. I research narcissism not to "heal" the toxic people in my life, but as a way of protecting. My narcissistic mother even told me to, "understand her", if I want her to understand me. But since she will never let me understand her anyway, as explained by another UA-camr helping victims of narcissistic abuse, I will just move on to understanding myself instead. I must practice self-love to get rid of all the self-doubt inside me. "You must believe in yourself."-Lao Tzu
I am a cross between an active,cerebral, and latest anorexic codependent. I have read so much on narcissism and covert narcissism until I feel like an expert on the subject. That’s how I found Ross!
I’m a cerebral formerly passive codependent. I have largely healed from my narcissistic abuse and have now found my mom to be highly triggered by my improved boundaries. My mother is an active oblivious codependent subtype whose more narcissistic traits seemed to have been uncovered by my recovery and increased agency. Ross, any insights on why this might happen? It’s so severe I have recently had to go no contact.
i did stop all sexual intimacy with my covert narsicist wife for 12 years believe that....together now for 40 years...i was tired of how she used sex to manipulate me..i was wondering if she would say anything....not a word...we lived in the same house ,different parts of the house...very wierd....it wasn't till i told her i was going to leave... after at about the 12 th year about 2 years ago...because ny daughter ask me what was wrong with me...and why i didn't see that "mom" was bat shit crazy and i deserved someone who truly loved me..wtf..right there the spell was broken..and then i happened on a video about covert narsicist and i knew what happened ...after i told her im leaving (of course had no resources but a small disability check) but then she started love bombing me and i was taken in by it .....but then i knew nothing changed i could feel that creepy Jezebel spirit.....next i had to see why i stayed in this fake relationship for so long...of course im sld that's where im at now.. stuck with my covert narsicist wife cus im all but smashed physically and financially... praying for a financial blessing so i can leave and heal...oh such pain when u wake up to what u allowed in your life ...God help me
I'm SLD anorexic in a weird subconscious way. I've not consciously given up or tried to have the long dry spells I've had. I simply had severe fear I'd never find another when I ended my first relationship at 18. I've gone 5-7 years between the 3 relationships I've had... I'm on year 5 since my last guy now and no prospects of anyone I'm interested in. I've been saying forever that I feel like the wrong end of the magnet. Like there's just something about me that makes people go away... Or at least makes men of interest leave after a little time invested. I get false start after false start. All I wanna do is heal this in me and carry on to deliver this solution to the world... I don't even care about anything else. I just want to love and be loved. If I can do that, every moment of my life will have been worth it. The failure of this is what I fear most, because there is no accomplishment on planet earth that can ever match the force of love, and if I can just get into the stream of it, even for a moment I'd be happy for so long. I feel like the greatest thing in the world to me is a relatively small request that I hope against hope will somehow find fulfillment.
YES!!! Just, just, came across the concept of codependency after a massive depression and total chaos. I haven't seen anyone yet to get help, but being a cerabral sld (thank you!!) I consumed ungodly amounts of info on it over a couple of months. I also find this overthinking tendency come into play when it comes to meticulously analyzing other's worldview, sharp perception of their needs, anticipation of how something will make others feel/think/react, brainstorming ways to problem solving.. ..but also perfectionisticly rationalizing my way into believing/excusing anything i'd rather believe to remain in my "comfort" zone. And if it doesn't quite work, well, I will try to form a lawyer-esque case to first convince others (and through their approval allow myself to truly believe it) why, say.. "there's merit in this, and I quite enjoy it now", "I don't deserve that, when there are people who really suffer", "I can tell, it's my (1000th) life purpose to fix this". Quite the mental contortions.. Sooo self defeating!! One's own highly determined enemy. But I think 10 years of ruining my own life was enough.. Time to wake up. I'll get help. 😒
Oh man, I think I am the cerebral type. But I am actively seeking to learn, grow, move beyond to new levels. I have also been studying and practicing withholding supply from covert narcissist. And I just started reading the human magnet syndrome and watching your videos ha ha but they’re good. Thank you for taking the time to put these together. Have been married over 18 yrs and could never figure out what has been wrong, now I can see and identify traits of covert narcissist wife. It started with love bombing as we dated, and then she rapidly withdrew all her best feminine traits within a year. there has been devaluing, criticism, manipulation, gaslighting, withholding sex and intimacy, and disregarding, etc. sucking the supply. It’s like the woman I met and dated then rejected all that, and it was just to get me to supply her and pump up her dark soul.
Wow- I’ve never heard the term “cerebral codependent”, that defines me to a T. I have been reading & watching videos about codependency & narcissism constantly. Trying to figure out why I do what I do. Ending the relationship is the only way
Am left wondering are these categories fluid? Can a person start off active but then realise there is an issue and turn into cerebral; then through new knowledge discover that there are indeed very deep serious issues - eventually realising this is not fixable and end relationship but continue on a cerebral quest to understand and heal as well as becoming anorexic ie.. am never gonna do that again? A human maladaptive fight for survival? The video reveals how deeply embedded SLDD is and perhaps too how difficult it is to escape SLDD as the maladaption sort of tricks the self into believing progress has been made. Am wondering now how true progress can be recognised. Very informative video - thank you.
I think they are fluid based on my own experience. Consuming as much information on covert abuse as possible has kept me sane. We can't all pick up and leave, for valid reasons, so we remain on the battlefield so to speak.
Im about to be homeless at 35 (humiliating) and I hate having to sound like Im making excuses but the circumstances that cause a victim of Covert narcissistic abuse is like a downward spiral and before you know what's happening, you're on the bottom. I am running on Faith alone. I really hope I'll be okay..
Hi ..I know you wrote this message a year ago..but I hope you're doing better by now. Even if I don't know you, I send you a big hug, from a human being to another human being 🤗
I was in therapy..plus one on one since 1991 was misdiagnosed as bipolar 11/ Personality disorder/rapid cycles..and a whole bunch other labels , eating disorder..when my family began to pass away...everything began to unravel..I was always Leary of my therapist..she crossed all the lines that you discussed...now @63 remaining family father and sister ghosted me..blaming my behavior, I was the eldest of 3, I brought them up ..I was they’re slave..so was my brother..died suddenly @57..died angry ...my therapist I know was a covert..she was calling me to sensitive..when I was being stalked she told me who did I think I was Queen Elizabeth..she even got mad at me when I showed her my drawings..I loved drawing faces free hand..said every one wanted to become an artist and sell they’re paintings, her brother was an artist..when she showed me her art ..she showed me how to trace..I couldn’t see through the tissue paper..later she showed me her library, she had a projector that enlarged pictures...she said I picked the hardest thing to draw faces...I didn’t know , I learned on my own , as a kid that’s all I would draw..mom would throw everything out, said I was dirty...why would my therapist be so angry...I used to read a book a day..when I started drawing she would discourage me, telling me to write..writing didn’t give me pleasure....she wrote a book in Italian, her biography..I wasn’t impressed, she signed it Respectfully to_______, I was impressed. I am Italian decent..my strongest language is English..schooled in Canada...I am amazed that my whole therapy was done in Italian...I learned about my country, politics, social economics, etc. at first I wanted to learn..until she began to name authors, politicians, movie stars, films, I began to feel uncomfortable and stupid, when she constantly spoke of her daughter, I began to feel loss, as me and my mom always had a estranged relationship , in 2007..stopped seeing her, she kept ordering my medicine, I wasn’t taking them, finally she came to see me at my home with a box of chocolates and swung them on the couch, in the bag of chocolate was a fan, she would constantly fan herself....told me she was going through menopause...I never had that..even asked my mom..she knew I didn’t experience any symptoms...why would she bring me her fan...I was disgusted by it , when I started to see her again I brought the fan back told her she forgot it . She didn’t forget..I can write a whole book about her, know everything about her, I have been a victim all my life, tired, wish I had died instead of my brother..i even told my parents...now my sister tells me that my mom ( who also passed in 2018)..and my dad 93...wished I had died instead of my brother, soon after she told me she is retiring, she still has her license...needed time of to help her daughter...she has MS..( i discovered it during my session cuz I could tell she wasn’t listening, she burst out crying, and told me, I felt very bad... now I am angry..all the yrs wasted..she kept medicated on all those medications for yrs...in a month’s time she got me off all my medications, now I have PTSD from all the hassles that I had since 2005..when I was being stalked, all the crazy making , and the shame of my label...was told I was only one who complained...when I got an iPad and began carrying it..so no one could sabotage my property ( they sabotaged my NEW LAP TOP), I began to do my research, that’s how I came to know about different narcissistic’s...I am the codependent who read since 5 (I had already read Black Beauty by then)...my escape was books..as I grew older I was forbidden to read, I had to hide my books...what do I do now, they did this so they could give all of birthright to my sister cuz she has kids, had my brother and I known that we wouldn’t have sacrificed ourselves. We would have moved on, probably had a life of our own. Now my bro is dead..and I am a walking Zombie...at my age 63....I seriously need someone to help me , and no therapist wants to help..new therapist doesn’t believe I am Bi polar..referred me to family doctor to give me my PTSD medication..I am always afraid I am going to be triggered..one person who had been harassing me actually was fascinated and laughed at me..
Cerebral SLD...ok, that IS the holy grail. I can stop seeking, reading, watching, diagnosing, troubleshooting, replaying and turn-off the hyperactive intellect which, as you've convincingly stated, is another form of denial/avoidance. Bingo. Tears. Gotta shift to healing the trauma. The covert narcissist is gone. I don't need more proof of who he is. LRC was one way. Betrayal trauma. Let him go and heal me. Terrifying but necessary. Thank you.
Im cerebral but I am also in recovery, so videos are cool with me, actually compliment my recovery...Been in ACOA for 10 months, and also setting boundaries and doing most the stuff you talk about in your videos. Also in CODA. I get I can still numb myself with different things. but that is what trauma recovery is about.
Cerebral....that s me, didn t sleep since I broke the friendship with an Narcistic friend.....I stopped arguing, now I will stop studying.....and clean my kitchen....because I was too tired for the last two weeks....!😊
Goodness me- was an oblivious anorexic sld, have become a cerebral half the time, hoping to fix my trauma and self, but I realise I can't bring myself to keep in touch with loved ones, for example, my sister, on the phone. Hermitting from all emotion in a sense. The "rut" feels safe as I study to become knowledgeable enough to read myself better. I ve a great working dog and working ferret. It's rural here. Ppl have noticed & get v curious. Anyway, I ramble - forgive me- meant to say, TY very much for this clarification. Am aware I'm in a rut, & aware somethings not right if I can't phone my sister I ve no issues with. (we were both unmothered & our father is very passive towards any cruelty his wife gave us. I'm free being the scapegoat child & she's trapped unsatisfied as the golden child.) Been in a fog without much progress. Kinda put off altogether from human beings. I'm not schizotypal, I don't know when this will end, I guess I believe I ll learn how to overcome my trauma. Oh- Q- How do you know when your ready for therapy/ life coaching please? Living in rural Scottish Highlands, the therapy thing isn't open to us here, unless your a millionaire. Again, you ve really helped me. I binge watched u a Yr ago @ the beginning of my awakening. Life changing stuff. Many blessings Mr Rossenburg. ✌🏻❤️
Thanks for sharing Cara, glad this was helpful. For information on Ross's resources, please visit www.selfloverecovery.com/ and humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog/
Oh my goodness! I know I’m a SDL but also cerebral... what suggestions and who do I get to help me go through the psychotherapy, Self Love recovery... I feel I have a grasp on the Childhood trauma , I just want to heal live in peace and no drama! Thank you for any suggestions, I am also trying to recover from financial damage. Thank you.
Is it possible to have or be a multiple of these things? I feel I am SLDD Active Cerebral but that I am also SLDD Anorexic. That part about the Anorexic almost made me break down. I always said after my current relationship is over that I would remain single, never have sex or anything. Even in my current relationship, my partner complains about how I lack intimacy, especially sexual intimacy. After my last relationship with a Narc, I completely shut down and was single for 2 years. Also, I absolutely hate that you said to stop reading and researching lol. But I couldn't help but laugh because its very TRUE! LOL
First I'd like to say Thank you for what you do here on UA-cam. I recently discovered your channel in my quest to unpack my past and most recent romantic experience. I hearing you in this video I think I might be slightly confused in my understanding. Ideally you would help clarify but I would also be grateful if another viewer chooses to comment. My confusion or perhaps question is in regards to the anorexic. Using your diagnostic method you mention in a previous video, of which the title now escapes my memory, you state that the predominant difference between the co- dependent and NPD is the co-dependent gives all or the greater amout of love,caring, efforts and so on. I'm kinda paraphrasing but essentially they are "the giver" Given the above when considering the anorexics approach to relations as you describe it here , again paraphrasing, as essentially "doing nothing" differentiating between the two becomes difficult. If the anorexic is not giving at all, vastly disproportionate to their partner or not contributing to what is necessary to maintain intimate relations (of any kind not just sex) how then does one discern what is what? In order to make this determination is it then necessary to factor in other pathological behaviors consistent with NPD which the anorexic displays to put them in the NPD category?
Yes. SLDs are not and simplistic one-dimensional people. SLDD is narrowly explained on purpose (in my book and my videos). It's best understood as a core problem that, "on top of it," is everything unique about the person. For more information, check out our website SelfLoveRecovery.com.
I think maybe I’m a little of both the Cerebral and the Anorexic. When I get out of the anorexic phase I find the nearest toxic relationship continually having to walk away. Tired.
Many children of narcissists go no contact. What are we hanging around for? The narcissistic parent *does not* love us. We’re only there to provide for their need of narcissistic supply. If you feel you can’t go no contact, then the way to manage the relationship is to decide what you will and won’t do. Definitely don’t provide care when they can manage themselves. You set the conversation agenda and don’t get involved in emotional issues with them. It’s impossible to win those arguments. In the end, it’s a personal choice. I spent the majority of my adult life without contact with both my (now deceased) parents. Can’t say I have any regrets about it. There never was any big moment where either of them apologised or tried to make amends. Unless the proverbial sky falls on them and they have a major revelation, they will always be the victims and we will always be the perpetrators.
D Mix Gosh that is tough, would you consider putting her in a home soon? What are you gaining or losing through this? Are you happy or miserable - just asking - not for you to make a drastic change, but look inside yourself - the answers are there .... you’ll know what to do IN PERFECT 👌 TIME. Have faith in yourself.
Hi there! Thanks so much for this info. I’m definitely a cerebral but I’m trying to figure out if my husband is a Narc or not. Is there levels of narcissism? And do you have a video on this?
Ross created this complete video seminar that may be helpful: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/pathological-narcissists-who-they-are-what-to-do-about-them
Hello! Dr Rosenberg! In the beginning I thought I am an active codependent, but know I realize I’m more a cerebral now. Which of your videos would you recommend to start healing process. Should I go to the Hitch method? Or the codependecy cure? I’m kind of lost there...
I am Costa Rican, I was married to a narcissist, recently discovered that my mother is a covert / vulnerable narcissist, my dad was the enabler and realized both of my parents family dynamics are totally dysfunctional and there’s always been abuse. And sadly, I realized that one of my “best friends” was a narcissist and started no contact 3 weeks ago and since then I have been realizing that even my therapist is narcissistic. I really feel like I can’t trust anyone and the few people that I trust, doesn’t necessarily won’t understand the level of abuse. I am willing to work on my trauma bonds, pathological loneliness and core shame. But I don’t know if the videos will be enough. I am starting to look for another therapist that understands narcissistic abuse, trauma, PTSD. Could you advise me how to start?
Thank you so much for sharing and your support of Ross's work. Ross always recommends to start with The Codependency Cure: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-codependency-cure. If you have more questions about Ross's resources, please send an email to help@selfloverecovery.com
When looking for a therapist, Ross suggests to search for someone familiar and experienced with addictions, trauma, family systems, CBT, and has a psychodynamic theory and technique. Ross has some videos that can help with this also.
Pkay so im not a codependent but my little sister is. Shes going thru a hard time at the moment and wont talk to me or anyone else and im starting to get worried as she has had a tendency to have suicidal thoughts and has even acted on them. Iv recently observed how her and her friends interact and some things that iv seen seem a bit toxic to me . Please can some one help me help her
Can a codependent change the type that they are as they go on in the relationship? For example, can an active codependent become a cerebral codependent? I ask because I feel like I have been an active codependent mostly but towards the end of my marriage, I became obsessed with how to cope with an alcoholic husband and consuming everything on the topic. This led to my education on narcissism which was the aha! Moment where I could finally label my experience as narcissitic abuse.
I am asking the same question. For me, pre narc world, I was active/oblivious and now post narc awareness world I feel I am cerebral/anorexic. I would think you are allowed to switch. Either way once no longer SLD, we identify with none?
Oh, good lord. Not only are humans perfectly capable of living alone, but I'm starting to think the capability is a mark of maturity. Are we going to start calling ascetic monks, priests, and nuns all pathological? Consider this: Unless we and our beloved manage to die together like John and Alicia Nash ("A Beautiful Mind"), a good many of us are going to spend our last years alone, mostly in nursing homes, and most of us will be women. There does come a time when we're simply too old to have sex anymore; we're infirm, we're shut in, and the circumstances of our lives will simply be that we do not have independent capability anymore. Eventually every human being will lose every last thing they have, and then they'll lose their life. That is a fact. If we remain addicted to a relationship, to company, to the things we used to do, to the things we used to have, that will create suffering. So we'd better learn how to accept these things with equanimity, or there's going to be a lot of unhappiness once we can't bathe, dress, and change our own dydies anymore. I think one of the most useful things I've learned is: Accept what comes and stop suffering over it; you can't change it. As long as you're still telling yourself you need something that's not here, you're going to be unhappy. I've lost a lot of things in my life I'll never have again, and the answer is to just adapt. You have to grow up and realize that you're not a little child anymore; you're an adult, and part of that is accepting the social and physical changes that happen as you grow older. You can't do that if you persist in the belief that you "need" to have a relationship, or you "need" to have sex or whatever. Beyond a certain point, our lives just turn out the way they turn out, and we have to learn the art of accepting them that way. I'm fine if I never meet somebody else again. I really don't want to. I had a good marriage before my husband passed away, and it is enough.
He said cerebral narcissist and lost me did he mean to say cerebral codependent because I’m most definitely a cerebral and now confused that I’m now a narcissist 😳
WOW! that was powerful and is worth watching again. I have a better understanding of me. Get out of the way, allow love. 😄 More tools, feel more, and heal. I found this was very good and enlightening. Simple and yet incredibly humbling. Thank you Ross 🙏
I relate to celebral for sure. For me I went no contact with one narcissist in December and learnt abt narcissism later on. The other week I caught myself being unable to even sit and enjoy a movie, I kept stopping it to continue to research. An obsession from a fear to acknowledge my part in the dysfunction. ❤️ We can take responsibility and still accept and love and forgive ourselves. They aren't mutually exclusive even if they can feel like they are
My only regret is not learning sooner. Although there were times I will admit, I should have focused on learning strategies to handle what I was facing, rather than in-depth psychoanalysis and diagnosing my husband. I'm out now (PFA in Dec!), but I could have done things in a way that resulted in less damage, less trauma, if I had known then what I know now. I thought they would be reasonable. 🙃 Who knew the blueprint of my relationship pattern is a common experience, readily available online in multiple formats? For years before I started dating?? 🤦🏻♀️😂 I felt like it was validating after having my world turned inside out, to read that my experience is not uncommon and that others have been there, and have gotten through!! It gave me hope when I doubted myself. The clinical research of diagnosed NPD & BPD has been helpful as well; the field has a standardized understanding of cluster B diagnoses. Reviewing the clinical research gave me specific language to describe my experience, whereas before I didn't know there were words to describe what was "off" in our interactions, let alone preferred practices for handling them. Reviewing other accounts and research helped me accept my reality, I think.
I am an empathic INFJ. I was a cerebral codependent. I have learned so much from your videos and the videos of other people. I have also had a wonderful psychiatrist who was incredibly helpful. I am now living with so much freedom and joy. I know myself much better and no longer attract narcissists. I had to learn to love myself and to pay attention to how much I am giving to anyone and how much others are reciprocating. Thank you so much for your support. You are saving lives with your videos and book!
Thank you Ross Rosenberg! I've been married to a covert narcissist for 44 years (we've been together for 48 years) and was raised by a narcissist mom. I've been through all of the stages that you mentioned. It's unfortunate that this information wasn't available years ago but it's never too late. I am now facing the ugly reality of my life and am focusing on my healing. I am still married but am using "observe don't absorb". Being aware of what is going on and watching him in action is somewhat entertaining to me (but sad). The only strange thing about all of this is that God has given me a spirit of joy & gratitude throughout my life. I believe it has allowed me to survive and appreciate God's creations. I've always believed in my heart that "the enemy" will NOT win no matter what happens to me. I do love life and soak up the beauty of life every day despite the fact that I have been abused. I am now very determined to heal and to not only survive but to THRIVE. And I WILL with God's help...and by taking steps forward one step at a time. One big step I am taking today is to purchase "The Ten Stage Self Love Recovery Treatment Program". Although I am 62 years old, I'm looking forward to a wonderful future and to living the life that Jesus had intended for me to live.
Jan Marvin This is amazing, your story and mine are the same, even my age. I will be starting a support group, you can just fly in LOL We have a special strength. Christ over came the world and became he did, we can depend on him to give us strength and learn that we are enough. He promised never to forsake us. I have experienced this several times in my life. He even sent an attorney to help me right there outside the courtroom. This gives me hope not to give up. I love your attitude of gratitude it’s also a secret weapon. Stay strong!
Active, cerebral, and anorexic are categories that I identify with. Are there any particular pitfalls that I should be aware of with this particular combination?
Once I found YOU, That’s it. I’m DONE with The Narcissist in my Life. We’re Divorcing. I will need a Therapist ASAP I need the Healing. No Relationships until Im Healed.
Me, as SLD, am a daughter of a one narc and one alcoholic parent. I stayed to not destroy the family, and for the kids. I waited for the permission from my mother. But finaly I realised..I have to leave. I loved him and my family, but it was disfunctional.
Yeap, isn't it just so messed up that even though the other person does not meet your needs, you stay in the marriage because you've given up on your own needs and desires. As an active co-dependent I was incredibly unhappy and stayed for 25 years. Self love is critical to be a whole human being.
Active, cerebral, anorexic. That's my sld journey...used to be active, still very cerebral turning into anorexic. Lost interest in love, intimacy and sex. I just want to be alone now, I love being alone (save for my child of course). How do we heal child trauma?
Ok, no more books or research on narcissism. Time to address self love. Thanks
Vic Baker I don’t reckon we’ll care about Narcs anymore, after we learn to love ourselves the way we should
Olivia Perryman , I said I wouldn’t study narcissism further but I have. I think it’s important to find a support group, and in a weird way, this is it. My friends, my therapist, and even my attorney don’t get what we go through. Somehow we need to find the life coaching our parents never gave us. If someone says, “ It was just your imagination if you thought I was flirting “, game over. No need to discuss it further. We are enough.
Ross Rosenberg was the first to red flag covert narcissism which was exceptionally helpful. Dr.Ramani Durvasula wrote “ Should I Stay Or Should I Go?” It identifies tell tale behaviors of different styles of narcissism to help us avoid a repeat. I plan to use it as a life handbook. I don’t wallow in “Woa is me” narcissism research, but if I’m a codependent, I need to know what self love really looks like.
Except Ross's videos... 😂
Yep, he got me on that to
I was thinking the same! Time to heal myself ☀️
Thanks Ross for your work. A cerebral/anorexic co-dependent here. We have all been touched by narcissists with devastating consequences both personally and professionally. We need a discussion at the macro society level to ensure children have proper attachment so we can reduce narcissists and codependents in future generations.
So I’m a cerebral SLD which explains why I’ve tried to crack the code for 12 years and have only experienced frustration, heartache, and pain that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. What a rollercoaster ride this has been and to what end? What a waste of valuable energy I could have used to build a business, adopt a child, perfect a craft... the possibilities are endless. The illusion of converting the narc is more addicting than any drug out there.
Well said.. and im finding prayer shows me, who's the boss, and He loves and adores me.
Ms Writer indeed. I truly believe that God used this Narc to break down my ego and my faith in man In order to cause me to seek truth and find him. If my life kept going fine and dandy I would have never sought out my Lord and Savior. The Lord uses wicked man to fulfill his righteous will. God bless you.
I feel you. If codependent love could cure the cluster B... Invested so much, 12 years too, so that I could see my kryptonite and heal myself. Healing by turning the cerebral SLD inward and giving to ourselves what we tried to give another, unconditional LOVE!
If it leads you to the cure it xan hardly be described as a waste of time
Yeah prayer specifically cause God really be ready for us to jump on bores I asked for him to instill in me and what I sought for from others to help me give me all the goodness I gave to others baby when I tell u it happened overnight
Thank you Ross. Until now, I couldn't accept that I am a codependent - SLD because I was arguing, fighting, constantly asking for fair treatment, sometimes pushy and needy. I was considering maybe really I am the narcissist. The narcissist was able to convince me that I am selfish and gaslight me again. But now, after this video, I realized that I was an Active SLD and now everything has more sense. Now I am cerebral, but concentrating on healing. Thank you again
You are welcome. So glad this was helpful.
Are you still doing the active role or have you switched? I was active and oblivious before I knew he was a narc now I am cerebral and anorexic, but full well know there is no way to heal him, just myself. So what are you when you heal yourself and have to stay in in for the kids, or is that an oxymoron?
"If I keep learning and gaining knowledge then I can be saved." Story of my life and marriage.
P.S.: It didn't work, but now I'm truly on the road to knowing myself fully and thus being healed.
- recovering SLD (aka cerebral co-dependent)
otaku4Gaijin I couldn’t agree more with this statement. I went from active to cerebral because it’s in my nature to fight back and try to solve my problems away. I realized that this is a defense mechanism to protect myself from the deep pain of realizing this will never be a mutually loving and respectful marriage.
Otaku same here except I'm not married though .
otaku4Gaijin you’re a miracle, we all are. I’m in your boat too
.
The cognitive dissonance is the main problem of all the types. It keeps you in the game. I found it very shocking afterwards that this was such a strong mechanism, I literally blocked certain things in my memory until a friend or my sister brought it up again after I had ended the relationship. Truly shocking
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result."
The HUGEIST thing for me is when you say that Codependency is NOT a personality flaw...but is a behavior in relationships!!! OMG!!!! I have been trying to figure out "what is wrong with me" for all of my life....feeling guilt and shame from my trauma bonded childhood, trying to earn love...trying to finally get it right!! Still waiting for the red sea to part and FINALLY getting the love I truly deserve after 66 years of life!! Its SO great to know there is nothing wrong with me other than "behavior"! I have been told over and over that I'm needy, crazy, manipulating even abusive by the narcissists in my life...yet they give nothing...I never asked them for a thing..yet I"M the one that is needy!! I couldn't understand it!! I'm used by my kids to babysit...am there to help and give, give, give!!
Thanks so much for sharing. Glad this is helpful.
Wow. Let's all donate some money for the free therapy help!! So generous of you Ross!! Thank you. This video is peeling open the abyss of HELL for many people to escape their trap.
I am healing with the help of these Codependency and Narc videos.
I am a mix of ALL 5 traits, and especially the intellect and anorexic, plus I had an eating disorder years ago, (binging from inner anger.) My dad terrorized us kids, and then i married a short napoleanic NARC. But i am relaizing, I deny my self , my inner swagger and female sexual power , (anorexic label) but give my sexual energy away when i run into masculine good looking NARCS who are my "friends" .
I have felt disassociated from honoring my instincts. Ive been so
blind!!!
Im finally realizing , this is an inner game of thrones, within our minds and body. For me the greatest power source comes from processing my belief that , God (Christ) came to this earth to be crushed , in order for us to change our sense of, who we are to the Creator, as His Spirit children that he made to, expand and live fully. This sense of me, adopted into royalty , melts my shame and allows my self love to expand from deep within. Ross hits this answer with his insights about this problem being self love deficiency.
I think Ross and Lisa Ramano are psychological bad asses, here to release us from prison... thru their journey into hell , they provide the keys for others. Thank you Ross.
Great hair and beard.
People should have a way to donate a buck or two. It could add up .. I'd pay $1.99 , everytime if i could see a link !!!
Active, cerebral. Covert narcissist. All out destruction & replacement. I am free. 🙏 I held the line, Ross.
Proud of you. Ditto on active, cerebral. Covert narcissist gone. Held the line through legal with favorable settlement. Trying to pick up pieces, heal and then...thrive?
"The cerebral codependents are the ones finding my videos"
Wow, I did not expect to be attacked like that, SHEESH 😅😬🤣🤣
He did not have to put us on blast like that 😆
Honestly! Felt the same way!
Right! 😂
#triggered 😝
🌻 My Goodness. My goodness. My goodness.
I'll be 50 yrs old this yr. Co-dependent, and a low achiever financially. My God Ross, you are such a blessing. Bits and pieces of what you talk about have been coming to me (clarity) through this last decade. I'll be damn if I'm not PISSED OFF at this stage of my life of ALL this time that has been wasted dealing with this trauma. I don't know HOW to break out of this slow mental cycle of low achievement financially. That's sad in itself because I'm 49 yrs old now. But I want to live and be at peace if that makes sense. Love you and appreciate your videos. You just 'popped' up on my feed a couple of wks ago..😳☺..
Thank you for this new insight, dr Ross! I am definitely a recovering active SLD, not giving as many chances to narcissistic people any more as I had used to. Education is a must, then step by step a change into healing can come. Respectfully, the saying goes, Insanity is to do the same things over and over again, and expect different results.
Deeply grateful. God bless you!
Pursuit of knowledge is ABSOLUTELY a defense mechanism of the Cerebral! 👀
I so APPRECIATE how soft spoken you are. When my kids were young, my son shared w me, "I never knew a man could speak softly until I met Dr Townsend."
I have been Active and when that failed, I started looking for answers. I became Oblivious for years after I found your videos 5 years ago and shut down. I was Passive in my relationship to survive and this eventually became Anorexic within the relationship. Very dissociated. I am now the Reader - because I've gotten stronger.
Dr Ross,
These are coping styles one person can have over the years.
Wow that's pretty spot-on.... Thanks for sharing
You're very welcome Sue
Celebral SLD for sure but I’m working on self love❤️ Your videos are very insightful. I used to fill fundamentally flawed but I know better now.
You are so welcome!
I feel like I went through each one of these in different stages of the relationship and after it ended . passive. active. oblivious. Anorexic. cerebral . in that order .
Cerebral SLD...spot on description! It becomes an unhealthy obsession, a real hamster wheel experience. Thanks for this explanation :)
Glad it was helpful!
I love this topic
Thank you, Ross. Your insight, which I know has been gained through your own and others pain, has helped me to understand my relationships in a way that gives me hope. I literally sit nodding in agreement when you explain your concepts because you're so nailing what I have experienced. Bless you, brother.
Glad it helped.
I am a Cerebral SLD. I started out as passive, though, when I accepted being codependent to my narcissistic mother. I research narcissism not to "heal" the toxic people in my life, but as a way of protecting. My narcissistic mother even told me to, "understand her", if I want her to understand me. But since she will never let me understand her anyway, as explained by another UA-camr helping victims of narcissistic abuse, I will just move on to understanding myself instead. I must practice self-love to get rid of all the self-doubt inside me. "You must believe in yourself."-Lao Tzu
I am a cross between an active,cerebral, and latest anorexic codependent. I have read so much on narcissism and covert narcissism until I feel like an expert on the subject. That’s how I found Ross!
I'm a cerebral codependent... i've binged on your videos for 2 days and ordered 2 books today LOL
I’m a cerebral formerly passive codependent. I have largely healed from my narcissistic abuse and have now found my mom to be highly triggered by my improved boundaries. My mother is an active oblivious codependent subtype whose more narcissistic traits seemed to have been uncovered by my recovery and increased agency. Ross, any insights on why this might happen? It’s so severe I have recently had to go no contact.
i did stop all sexual intimacy with my covert narsicist wife for 12 years believe that....together now for 40 years...i was tired of how she used sex to manipulate me..i was wondering if she would say anything....not a word...we lived in the same house ,different parts of the house...very wierd....it wasn't till i told her i was going to leave... after at about the 12 th year about 2 years ago...because ny daughter ask me what was wrong with me...and why i didn't see that "mom" was bat shit crazy and i deserved someone who truly loved me..wtf..right there the spell was broken..and then i happened on a video about covert narsicist and i knew what happened ...after i told her im leaving (of course had no resources but a small disability check) but then she started love bombing me and i was taken in by it .....but then i knew nothing changed i could feel that creepy Jezebel spirit.....next i had to see why i stayed in this fake relationship for so long...of course im sld that's where im at now.. stuck with my covert narsicist wife cus im all but smashed physically and financially... praying for a financial blessing so i can leave and heal...oh such pain when u wake up to what u allowed in your life ...God help me
Lots of women out there...
Yes i relate , im 56 and not so pretty anymore and i wasted my best years..but im grateful to be alive and in power
Thx.so much.
I'm SLD anorexic in a weird subconscious way. I've not consciously given up or tried to have the long dry spells I've had.
I simply had severe fear I'd never find another when I ended my first relationship at 18. I've gone 5-7 years between the 3 relationships I've had... I'm on year 5 since my last guy now and no prospects of anyone I'm interested in.
I've been saying forever that I feel like the wrong end of the magnet. Like there's just something about me that makes people go away... Or at least makes men of interest leave after a little time invested. I get false start after false start.
All I wanna do is heal this in me and carry on to deliver this solution to the world...
I don't even care about anything else. I just want to love and be loved. If I can do that, every moment of my life will have been worth it. The failure of this is what I fear most, because there is no accomplishment on planet earth that can ever match the force of love, and if I can just get into the stream of it, even for a moment I'd be happy for so long.
I feel like the greatest thing in the world to me is a relatively small request that I hope against hope will somehow find fulfillment.
ross your awesome...those insights come from the Creator God...ps. we didn't evolve...we were created
I agree sista
I have definitely been a magnet
YES!!!
Just, just, came across the concept of codependency after a massive depression and total chaos. I haven't seen anyone yet to get help, but being a cerabral sld (thank you!!) I consumed ungodly amounts of info on it over a couple of months.
I also find this overthinking tendency come into play when it comes to meticulously analyzing other's worldview, sharp perception of their needs, anticipation of how something will make others feel/think/react, brainstorming ways to problem solving..
..but also perfectionisticly rationalizing my way into believing/excusing anything i'd rather believe to remain in my "comfort" zone. And if it doesn't quite work, well, I will try to form a lawyer-esque case to first convince others (and through their approval allow myself to truly believe it) why, say.. "there's merit in this, and I quite enjoy it now", "I don't deserve that, when there are people who really suffer", "I can tell, it's my (1000th) life purpose to fix this".
Quite the mental contortions.. Sooo self defeating!! One's own highly determined enemy.
But I think 10 years of ruining my own life was enough.. Time to wake up. I'll get help. 😒
I was doing the intellectual thing, therapists said stop, so I still struggle, few youtube videos, meditate, journal, live more, one day at a time,
Wonderful insight into the types of SLD, especially the cerebral codependent type! 🤔
Thanks for watching. 🙏
Great job last night! A lot of new insights!! 🙏💕
Thank you for your support!
..doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result.
Thank you Ross! So very valuable.
So glad it was helpful!
Thank you for your videos. You look great with a beard.
oh the river denial...its just not in egypt.
Omg! A lightbulb went off. 15 years... cerebral sdl for sure.
Thank you Ross!You are awsome!😊🌸
You are so welcome!
Oh man, I think I am the cerebral type. But I am actively seeking to learn, grow, move beyond to new levels. I have also been studying and practicing withholding supply from covert narcissist.
And I just started reading the human magnet syndrome and watching your videos ha ha but they’re good. Thank you for taking the time to put these together.
Have been married over 18 yrs and could never figure out what has been wrong, now I can see and identify traits of covert narcissist wife.
It started with love bombing as we dated, and then she rapidly withdrew all her best feminine traits within a year. there has been devaluing, criticism, manipulation, gaslighting, withholding sex and intimacy, and disregarding, etc. sucking the supply.
It’s like the woman I met and dated then rejected all that, and it was just to get me to supply her and pump up her dark soul.
Aggressive, cerebral, anorexic here! Holy shit! I cant believe this finally got spelled out for me!!!!
mom: SLDD active, angry, pushy, guilt-tripping.
dad: covert narc Emotionally distant dismissive
Wow- I’ve never heard the term “cerebral codependent”, that defines me to a T. I have been reading & watching videos about codependency & narcissism constantly. Trying to figure out why I do what I do. Ending the relationship is the only way
Am left wondering are these categories fluid? Can a person start off active but then realise there is an issue and turn into cerebral; then through new knowledge discover that there are indeed very deep serious issues - eventually realising this is not fixable and end relationship but continue on a cerebral quest to understand and heal as well as becoming anorexic ie.. am never gonna do that again? A human maladaptive fight for survival? The video reveals how deeply embedded SLDD is and perhaps too how difficult it is to escape SLDD as the maladaption sort of tricks the self into believing progress has been made. Am wondering now how true progress can be recognised. Very informative video - thank you.
I think they are fluid based on my own experience. Consuming as much information on covert abuse as possible has kept me sane. We can't all pick up and leave, for valid reasons, so we remain on the battlefield so to speak.
I've been all 5
Im about to be homeless at 35 (humiliating) and I hate having to sound like Im making excuses but the circumstances that cause a victim of Covert narcissistic abuse is like a downward spiral and before you know what's happening, you're on the bottom. I am running on Faith alone. I really hope I'll be okay..
Hi ..I know you wrote this message a year ago..but I hope you're doing better by now. Even if I don't know you, I send you a big hug, from a human being to another human being 🤗
Passive SLD in childhood to Active SLD adult.
I was in therapy..plus one on one since 1991 was misdiagnosed as bipolar 11/ Personality disorder/rapid cycles..and a whole bunch other labels , eating disorder..when my family began to pass away...everything began to unravel..I was always Leary of my therapist..she crossed all the lines that you discussed...now @63 remaining family father and sister ghosted me..blaming my behavior, I was the eldest of 3, I brought them up ..I was they’re slave..so was my brother..died suddenly @57..died angry ...my therapist I know was a covert..she was calling me to sensitive..when I was being stalked she told me who did I think I was Queen Elizabeth..she even got mad at me when I showed her my drawings..I loved drawing faces free hand..said every one wanted to become an artist and sell they’re paintings, her brother was an artist..when she showed me her art ..she showed me how to trace..I couldn’t see through the tissue paper..later she showed me her library, she had a projector that enlarged pictures...she said I picked the hardest thing to draw faces...I didn’t know , I learned on my own , as a kid that’s all I would draw..mom would throw everything out, said I was dirty...why would my therapist be so angry...I used to read a book a day..when I started drawing she would discourage me, telling me to write..writing didn’t give me pleasure....she wrote a book in Italian, her biography..I wasn’t impressed, she signed it Respectfully to_______, I was impressed. I am Italian decent..my strongest language is English..schooled in Canada...I am amazed that my whole therapy was done in Italian...I learned about my country, politics, social economics, etc. at first I wanted to learn..until she began to name authors, politicians, movie stars, films, I began to feel uncomfortable and stupid, when she constantly spoke of her daughter, I began to feel loss, as me and my mom always had a estranged relationship , in 2007..stopped seeing her, she kept ordering my medicine, I wasn’t taking them, finally she came to see me at my home with a box of chocolates and swung them on the couch, in the bag of chocolate was a fan, she would constantly fan herself....told me she was going through menopause...I never had that..even asked my mom..she knew I didn’t experience any symptoms...why would she bring me her fan...I was disgusted by it , when I started to see her again I brought the fan back told her she forgot it . She didn’t forget..I can write a whole book about her, know everything about her, I have been a victim all my life, tired, wish I had died instead of my brother..i even told my parents...now my sister tells me that my mom ( who also passed in 2018)..and my dad 93...wished I had died instead of my brother, soon after she told me she is retiring, she still has her license...needed time of to help her daughter...she has MS..( i discovered it during my session cuz I could tell she wasn’t listening, she burst out crying, and told me, I felt very bad... now I am angry..all the yrs wasted..she kept medicated on all those medications for yrs...in a month’s time she got me off all my medications, now I have PTSD from all the hassles that I had since 2005..when I was being stalked, all the crazy making , and the shame of my label...was told I was only one who complained...when I got an iPad and began carrying it..so no one could sabotage my property ( they sabotaged my NEW LAP TOP), I began to do my research, that’s how I came to know about different narcissistic’s...I am the codependent who read since 5 (I had already read Black Beauty by then)...my escape was books..as I grew older I was forbidden to read, I had to hide my books...what do I do now, they did this so they could give all of birthright to my sister cuz she has kids, had my brother and I known that we wouldn’t have sacrificed ourselves. We would have moved on, probably had a life of our own. Now my bro is dead..and I am a walking Zombie...at my age 63....I seriously need someone to help me , and no therapist wants to help..new therapist doesn’t believe I am Bi polar..referred me to family doctor to give me my PTSD medication..I am always afraid I am going to be triggered..one person who had been harassing me actually was fascinated and laughed at me..
It seems a person can express all the types
I think so too, seems to me to be more stages we can move through.
Cerebral SLD...ok, that IS the holy grail. I can stop seeking, reading, watching, diagnosing, troubleshooting, replaying and turn-off the hyperactive intellect which, as you've convincingly stated, is another form of denial/avoidance. Bingo. Tears. Gotta shift to healing the trauma. The covert narcissist is gone. I don't need more proof of who he is. LRC was one way. Betrayal trauma. Let him go and heal me. Terrifying but necessary. Thank you.
Is it possible to go through all of these categories,because periodically I'm active,passive or cerebral?
Im cerebral but I am also in recovery, so videos are cool with me, actually compliment my recovery...Been in ACOA for 10 months, and also setting boundaries and doing most the stuff you talk about in your videos. Also in CODA. I get I can still numb myself with different things. but that is what trauma recovery is about.
Love your saying bury your head in the sand. Forgotton that one.
I am so sad guys, please let it end. My tears are rolling down it doesn't stop :( it just doesn't stop. How can I be such a fool how???
omg, now I see...
Cerebral....that s me, didn t sleep since I broke the friendship with an Narcistic friend.....I stopped arguing, now I will stop studying.....and clean my kitchen....because I was too tired for the last two weeks....!😊
Thank You, Dr. Rosenberg!!!!
Hi Ross, love these distinctions! Do you think its possible to have multiple types of codependency? And are they triggered by the type of situation?
Goodness me- was an oblivious anorexic sld, have become a cerebral half the time, hoping to fix my trauma and self, but I realise I can't bring myself to keep in touch with loved ones, for example, my sister, on the phone. Hermitting from all emotion in a sense. The "rut" feels safe as I study to become knowledgeable enough to read myself better. I ve a great working dog and working ferret. It's rural here. Ppl have noticed & get v curious. Anyway, I ramble - forgive me- meant to say, TY very much for this clarification. Am aware I'm in a rut, & aware somethings not right if I can't phone my sister I ve no issues with. (we were both unmothered & our father is very passive towards any cruelty his wife gave us. I'm free being the scapegoat child & she's trapped unsatisfied as the golden child.) Been in a fog without much progress. Kinda put off altogether from human beings. I'm not schizotypal, I don't know when this will end, I guess I believe I ll learn how to overcome my trauma. Oh- Q- How do you know when your ready for therapy/ life coaching please? Living in rural Scottish Highlands, the therapy thing isn't open to us here, unless your a millionaire. Again, you ve really helped me. I binge watched u a Yr ago @ the beginning of my awakening. Life changing stuff. Many blessings Mr Rossenburg. ✌🏻❤️
Thanks for sharing Cara, glad this was helpful. For information on Ross's resources, please visit www.selfloverecovery.com/ and humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog/
Oh my goodness! I know I’m a SDL but also cerebral... what suggestions and who do I get to help me go through the psychotherapy, Self Love recovery... I feel I have a grasp on the Childhood trauma , I just want to heal live in peace and no drama! Thank you for any suggestions, I am also trying to recover from financial damage. Thank you.
too much time spent learning...
makes you never look at yourself .
better to sit alone in silence. with thoughts. and talk to God.
can SLD go from... active.. to passive?
or active with kids.. but passive with spouse..
Is it possible to have or be a multiple of these things? I feel I am SLDD Active Cerebral but that I am also SLDD Anorexic. That part about the Anorexic almost made me break down. I always said after my current relationship is over that I would remain single, never have sex or anything. Even in my current relationship, my partner complains about how I lack intimacy, especially sexual intimacy. After my last relationship with a Narc, I completely shut down and was single for 2 years. Also, I absolutely hate that you said to stop reading and researching lol. But I couldn't help but laugh because its very TRUE! LOL
First I'd like to say Thank you for what you do here on UA-cam. I recently discovered your channel in my quest to unpack my past and most recent romantic experience.
I hearing you in this video I think I might be slightly confused in my understanding. Ideally you would help clarify but I would also be grateful if another viewer chooses to comment.
My confusion or perhaps question is in regards to the anorexic. Using your diagnostic method you mention in a previous video, of which the title now escapes my memory, you state that the predominant difference between the co- dependent and NPD is the co-dependent gives all or the greater amout of love,caring, efforts and so on. I'm kinda paraphrasing but essentially they are "the giver"
Given the above when considering the anorexics approach to relations as you describe it here , again paraphrasing, as essentially "doing nothing" differentiating between the two becomes difficult.
If the anorexic is not giving at all, vastly disproportionate to their partner or not contributing to what is necessary to maintain intimate relations (of any kind not just sex) how then does one discern what is what?
In order to make this determination is it then necessary to factor in other pathological behaviors consistent with NPD which the anorexic displays to put them in the NPD category?
I suffer from this kind of annorexia for a few years now.
Can I be both active and cerebral??
Yes. SLDs are not and simplistic one-dimensional people. SLDD is narrowly explained on purpose (in my book and my videos). It's best understood as a core problem that, "on top of it," is everything unique about the person. For more information, check out our website SelfLoveRecovery.com.
I think maybe I’m a little of both the Cerebral and the Anorexic. When I get out of the anorexic phase I find the nearest toxic relationship continually having to walk away. Tired.
Okay I also do not want to become the Codependent anorexic .. feel like it’s best I stay single the rest of my life at this point. I need healing.
If it’s your Father how do you not give up? Or stand up for yourself?
Many children of narcissists go no contact. What are we hanging around for? The narcissistic parent *does not* love us. We’re only there to provide for their need of narcissistic supply.
If you feel you can’t go no contact, then the way to manage the relationship is to decide what you will and won’t do. Definitely don’t provide care when they can manage themselves. You set the conversation agenda and don’t get involved in emotional issues with them. It’s impossible to win those arguments.
In the end, it’s a personal choice. I spent the majority of my adult life without contact with both my (now deceased) parents. Can’t say I have any regrets about it. There never was any big moment where either of them apologised or tried to make amends. Unless the proverbial sky falls on them and they have a major revelation, they will always be the victims and we will always be the perpetrators.
Marmaduke Scarlet I provide care for my mother with dementia.
D Mix Gosh that is tough, would you consider putting her in a home soon? What are you gaining or losing through this? Are you happy or miserable - just asking - not for you to make a drastic change, but look inside yourself - the answers are there .... you’ll know what to do IN PERFECT 👌 TIME. Have faith in yourself.
Hi there! Thanks so much for this info. I’m definitely a cerebral but I’m trying to figure out if my husband is a Narc or not. Is there levels of narcissism? And do you have a video on this?
Ross created this complete video seminar that may be helpful: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/pathological-narcissists-who-they-are-what-to-do-about-them
how is the relationship dynamic between two slds?
Hello! Dr Rosenberg! In the beginning I thought I am an active codependent, but know I realize I’m more a cerebral now. Which of your videos would you recommend to start healing process. Should I go to the Hitch method? Or the codependecy cure? I’m kind of lost there...
I am Costa Rican, I was married to a narcissist, recently discovered that my mother is a covert / vulnerable narcissist, my dad was the enabler and realized both of my parents family dynamics are totally dysfunctional and there’s always been abuse. And sadly, I realized that one of my “best friends” was a narcissist and started no contact 3 weeks ago and since then I have been realizing that even my therapist is narcissistic. I really feel like I can’t trust anyone and the few people that I trust, doesn’t necessarily won’t understand the level of abuse. I am willing to work on my trauma bonds, pathological loneliness and core shame. But I don’t know if the videos will be enough. I am starting to look for another therapist that understands narcissistic abuse, trauma, PTSD. Could you advise me how to start?
I purchased your ODA technique and really helped me go through no contact, and be more aware of abuse.
Thank you so much for sharing and your support of Ross's work. Ross always recommends to start with The Codependency Cure: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-codependency-cure. If you have more questions about Ross's resources, please send an email to help@selfloverecovery.com
When looking for a therapist, Ross suggests to search for someone familiar and experienced with addictions, trauma, family systems, CBT, and has a psychodynamic theory and technique. Ross has some videos that can help with this also.
Pkay so im not a codependent but my little sister is. Shes going thru a hard time at the moment and wont talk to me or anyone else and im starting to get worried as she has had a tendency to have suicidal thoughts and has even acted on them. Iv recently observed how her and her friends interact and some things that iv seen seem a bit toxic to me . Please can some one help me help her
Hmm. Can a codependent come across as a narcissist?
Yes!!
Can a codependent change the type that they are as they go on in the relationship? For example, can an active codependent become a cerebral codependent? I ask because I feel like I have been an active codependent mostly but towards the end of my marriage, I became obsessed with how to cope with an alcoholic husband and consuming everything on the topic. This led to my education on narcissism which was the aha! Moment where I could finally label my experience as narcissitic abuse.
I am asking the same question. For me, pre narc world, I was active/oblivious and now post narc awareness world I feel I am cerebral/anorexic. I would think you are allowed to switch. Either way once no longer SLD, we identify with none?
Is there any hope for a codependent 😘
Hi Clare, please consider exploring Ross's resources at www.selfloverecovery.com/. Thanks!
Oh, good lord. Not only are humans perfectly capable of living alone, but I'm starting to think the capability is a mark of maturity. Are we going to start calling ascetic monks, priests, and nuns all pathological? Consider this: Unless we and our beloved manage to die together like John and Alicia Nash ("A Beautiful Mind"), a good many of us are going to spend our last years alone, mostly in nursing homes, and most of us will be women. There does come a time when we're simply too old to have sex anymore; we're infirm, we're shut in, and the circumstances of our lives will simply be that we do not have independent capability anymore. Eventually every human being will lose every last thing they have, and then they'll lose their life. That is a fact.
If we remain addicted to a relationship, to company, to the things we used to do, to the things we used to have, that will create suffering. So we'd better learn how to accept these things with equanimity, or there's going to be a lot of unhappiness once we can't bathe, dress, and change our own dydies anymore.
I think one of the most useful things I've learned is: Accept what comes and stop suffering over it; you can't change it. As long as you're still telling yourself you need something that's not here, you're going to be unhappy.
I've lost a lot of things in my life I'll never have again, and the answer is to just adapt. You have to grow up and realize that you're not a little child anymore; you're an adult, and part of that is accepting the social and physical changes that happen as you grow older. You can't do that if you persist in the belief that you "need" to have a relationship, or you "need" to have sex or whatever. Beyond a certain point, our lives just turn out the way they turn out, and we have to learn the art of accepting them that way.
I'm fine if I never meet somebody else again. I really don't want to. I had a good marriage before my husband passed away, and it is enough.
Ross out hear with the beard looking debonair!
But I left....
👌🏽👌🏽👏
He said cerebral narcissist and lost me did he mean to say cerebral codependent because I’m most definitely a cerebral and now confused that I’m now a narcissist 😳
Thanks for watching Anthony. This other video may be helpful: ua-cam.com/video/QUreWOILAvk/v-deo.html
wow ok. lmao i was the gaslit one then woke up and i am cerebral at the moment but i think the solution is to just leave 😂
💞
Dear Ross rosenberg do you have an email address that i can write to you? Please let me know looking forward to your answer thanks.
Please write to help@selfloverecovery.com
Thank you!
@@RossRosenberg thanks so much.
WOW! that was powerful and is worth watching again. I have a better understanding of me. Get out of the way, allow love. 😄
More tools, feel more, and heal.
I found this was very good and enlightening. Simple and yet incredibly humbling.
Thank you Ross 🙏
You are so welcome Janice! Thank you for your support!
I relate to celebral for sure. For me I went no contact with one narcissist in December and learnt abt narcissism later on. The other week I caught myself being unable to even sit and enjoy a movie, I kept stopping it to continue to research. An obsession from a fear to acknowledge my part in the dysfunction. ❤️ We can take responsibility and still accept and love and forgive ourselves. They aren't mutually exclusive even if they can feel like they are
My only regret is not learning sooner. Although there were times I will admit, I should have focused on learning strategies to handle what I was facing, rather than in-depth psychoanalysis and diagnosing my husband. I'm out now (PFA in Dec!), but I could have done things in a way that resulted in less damage, less trauma, if I had known then what I know now. I thought they would be reasonable. 🙃
Who knew the blueprint of my relationship pattern is a common experience, readily available online in multiple formats? For years before I started dating?? 🤦🏻♀️😂
I felt like it was validating after having my world turned inside out, to read that my experience is not uncommon and that others have been there, and have gotten through!! It gave me hope when I doubted myself. The clinical research of diagnosed NPD & BPD has been helpful as well; the field has a standardized understanding of cluster B diagnoses. Reviewing the clinical research gave me specific language to describe my experience, whereas before I didn't know there were words to describe what was "off" in our interactions, let alone preferred practices for handling them. Reviewing other accounts and research helped me accept my reality, I think.
I am an empathic INFJ. I was a cerebral codependent. I have learned so much from your videos and the videos of other people. I have also had a wonderful psychiatrist who was incredibly helpful. I am now living with so much freedom and joy. I know myself much better and no longer attract narcissists. I had to learn to love myself and to pay attention to how much I am giving to anyone and how much others are reciprocating. Thank you so much for your support. You are saving lives with your videos and book!
I'm a cerebral co dependant.
thinking, learning,...
gotta learn all the ways to protect myself.. but wasn't even me.
couldn't find out who I was.
so many types never knew there were 5, great explanations
Glad it was helpful Marcella!
Got my attention!
Cerebral SLD for sure...
That explains sooo much!
Thank you!
Happy to help!
Thank you Ross Rosenberg! I've been married to a covert narcissist for 44 years (we've been together for 48 years) and was raised by a narcissist mom. I've been through all of the stages that you mentioned. It's unfortunate that this information wasn't available years ago but it's never too late. I am now facing the ugly reality of my life and am focusing on my healing. I am still married but am using "observe don't absorb". Being aware of what is going on and watching him in action is somewhat entertaining to me (but sad). The only strange thing about all of this is that God has given me a spirit of joy & gratitude throughout my life. I believe it has allowed me to survive and appreciate God's creations. I've always believed in my heart that "the enemy" will NOT win no matter what happens to me. I do love life and soak up the beauty of life every day despite the fact that I have been abused. I am now very determined to heal and to not only survive but to THRIVE. And I WILL with God's help...and by taking steps forward one step at a time. One big step I am taking today is to purchase "The Ten Stage Self Love Recovery Treatment Program". Although I am 62 years old, I'm looking forward to a wonderful future and to living the life that Jesus had intended for me to live.
Jan Marvin This is amazing, your story and mine are the same, even my age. I will be starting a support group, you can just fly in LOL We have a special strength. Christ over came the world and became he did, we can depend on him to give us strength and learn that we are enough. He promised never to forsake us. I have experienced this several times in my life. He even sent an attorney to help me right there outside the courtroom. This gives me hope not to give up. I love your attitude of gratitude it’s also a secret weapon. Stay strong!
12:41 pretty sure you meant codependent not narcissist
Active, cerebral, and anorexic are categories that I identify with. Are there any particular pitfalls that I should be aware of with this particular combination?
Once I found YOU, That’s it. I’m DONE with The Narcissist in my Life.
We’re Divorcing.
I will need a Therapist ASAP I need the Healing.
No Relationships until Im Healed.
Me, as SLD, am a daughter of a one narc and one alcoholic parent. I stayed to not destroy the family, and for the kids. I waited for the permission from my mother. But finaly I realised..I have to leave. I loved him and my family, but it was disfunctional.
Yeap, isn't it just so messed up that even though the other person does not meet your needs, you stay in the marriage because you've given up on your own needs and desires. As an active co-dependent I was incredibly unhappy and stayed for 25 years. Self love is critical to be a whole human being.
So, I am an active, cerebral codependent. Actually, I was, I am recovered now.
Active, cerebral, anorexic. That's my sld journey...used to be active, still very cerebral turning into anorexic. Lost interest in love, intimacy and sex. I just want to be alone now, I love being alone (save for my child of course).
How do we heal child trauma?