When narcissists make you devalue yourself
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- Опубліковано 29 чер 2024
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Narcissist only want the best, they choose quality, that is why they target us but they have to make sure we don’t know it, they already know we are smarter and stronger than them and they don’t deserve us. We need to believe it for ourselves. Don’t let them smother your beautiful light ⭐️✨
Thank you for your wise words.👏
Your statement is encouraging and it gave me the boost I needed.
Thank you!!!❤
Well said !
Narcs live in darkness, like cockroaches.
That's right! We need to claim our worth and not let it be taken by ogres. In fairy tales, the ogre hordes the treasure. It knows the treasure is beautiful and it is not beautiful so it wants to keep the treasure from the world.
@@banthony8545 You are so right. Thank you Bonnie Anthony.
They have to make you think you’re less than who you really are. It keeps you doubting yourself which then makes you believe that they’re all you deserve.
True ✅
Hey Narc Survivor how you doing?
I agree my parents did this even after I was 18.
It weakens and makes us easier to take down, an obvious ploy to keep us at their levels, they could never do that if we were on a level playing field.
@@krystalrussell1783 covert mom got rid of me at 17 which wasn't enough to make her happy, nothing was, no contact no troubles!
The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice.
I try to remind myself of this everyday 💖
I have a real problem with low self esteem. Yes, I was bullied a lot in school, but I guess that's not the whole story. I grew up with my grandparents. My grandma never said a nice word to my grandpa, that I can remember, alwas berating him and telling him to shut up, "because you're just talking bullshit". She used to critisize my little child drawings, as if I was a grown person. She even told me that I should be glad that someone was willing to raise me. She made me wear old, ugly clothes, more fitting for and elderly lady than for a child, one of the reasons I got bullied. I was also told about every day in school, how ugly I was. When I was sad, there was no comfort to get from either my grandma or my mother, I was just told to get it together, and stop "filming". Today I still struggle with the idea that everything I do has to be perfect.
@@torhildsagenghansen6074 looks like you run toxic internal programs installed by your caregivers.
Have a look at Inner Child work by John Bradshaw, I found it very helpful in changing inner poisoned voices. Good luck
Thank you Rafal Jot. So succinctly put. This is the truth and it has given me much food for thought. Blessings to you...
Very true! If only everyone understood this.
Narcissists are cold and manipulative. They seek to hit you where it hurts the most
Your self-esteem
So that you stop believing that you are worth being loved
Why do they do this?
Dude. The health thing is no joke. In the couple months since I told my mother to F off, my cholesterol went down so dramatically my doctor said it looked like the result of medication.
This is because cholesterol is the precursor to stress hormones and is used to coat the inside of your blood vessels. Cholesterol levels, in general, are ramped up in response to stress. Physical, chemical, or emotional stress.
WOW!
Every time I do sports I feel guilty because I waste time on me. After I gave birth I felt guilty eating fruits because I wasted the vitamins just on me and my child didn't profit from it any more. It is very hard to break the circle.
I have had the same situation. My diabetes is in remission & I’m off my heart medicine for a rapid heartbeat 💓
W.O.W!
Hi Dr. Ramani. I'm wondering if you'd be interested in doing a channel specifically for people raised by narcissists. A lot of people end up in toxic relationship (romantic, work, etc...) without knowing it because their narcissistic parents implanted so much self-hatred and negativity into them as a child. You are set to fail from birth, and you may not know it until decades later.
I second this!
Yes please!
I can’t believe parents can be so evil. I honestly hate Narcissists.
Yea, I support this
@@infinitetundra hi sugar, nice you're doing so well but as much as they don't warrant your love don't waste your hate on them either, that will simply keep them on your mind that much longer, me thinks anyway! Love from French Canada 🇨🇦!🚮⌛😌💋⛲ 🎠
After years of abuse, I couldn’t do anything for myself because I’d feel horribly guilty. I didn’t think I deserved anything. Toxic people flocked to me because I’d always put them first no matter what. The day I started saying ‘no’ so many people dropped me. But it was worth it. I can’t imagine what would have happened if I’d kept those people in my life. I am worth far more than that.
Linda Carrera definitely keep going!!! It is so worth it. You’ll be so amazed with yourself and discover the strength the abusers/narcs did not want you to find.
No is a powerful boundary word
Feeling guilty whenever I do say for myself. It never ends.
I can so relate to this....abuse takes a lot out of you and restoring your energy/sanity can be a Herculean task....I often feel paralyzed when it comes to decision making or moving forward bc I feel so wrecked afterward and strangely guilty, like doing anything good for myself is somehow taking away from other ppl, or that I don’t deserve it...but you have to fight these feelings n put boundaries in place even if it seems “cruel” and it’s wonderful that you did that! 💯 Shake the toxic people off
His Word learning to say ‘no’ was an important part of my recovery.
Sometime it's not words, it's the lack of words. When the narc ignores all the things you do for them, and pretends they don't see the value you bring into their life. That was a light bulb moment for me. They devalue you covertly. Thanks for all your wisdom Dr. Ramani. :)
Funny that's how I feel too.. my bf and I have been fighting for a while and sometimes it goes well.. but he has days where he's like.. "I can run the household just fine on my own" (If I were to leave) but he just hasnt got a clue of all the things I do around the house/for the cats/for him.. so yeah that's going to be a big surprise if I would really leave one day..
Yes. Very difficult in your position.
Yes,
Non verbal cohesive control
Devalue requires acknowlegement
Recent X bf invalidated me in every way, it's so maddening. Why bother when your damned if you and damned if you dont, what's the point of hanging in there? Glad I got fed up and walked out.
Yess!! They completely ignores all the things and love you did for them! And it makes you think that what u have done has no value☹️☹️
The first step to recovery is devaluing any thing the Narcissist says about you. They see you with smeared contact lenses so it is a pointless endeavor.
Yes. Devalue the ones who devalue you. Great point.
Yes the the smear campaign when they lose contacts
Oh but doesn't the fun start when you dare to devalue them or their opinions/thoughts of you? I get transported to being a 6 year old in a playground setting with his tit-for-tat name calling and childish strategies. Still, I devalue him and make him feel inadequate and small if I can but only If he resorts to this tactic therefore, giving him a taste of his own!! I don't like doing it but two can play that game.
I personally prefer the term "disregard" over "devalue" when it comes to what narcissists say about me. This is because there is no inherent value in what the narcissist says about me to begin with.
@@danielkaiser8971 Hmmm...you are right.
When you start to devalue yourself GET OUT!!!! That’s exactly what they want!!!! You are worth so much more than that I promise you ❤️
I grew up in a narcisstic family that made me feel weak, stupid, and unwanted. This made me a great target for bullies. I started seeing a therapist and with life experience with people outside the family, it gave me a shift in perspective. Itll take more time in my journey, but I think Im slowly learning self value.
People can apparently tell if we are abused and without support. That's why, they make us target.
True. You are breaking the cycle. More power and strength to you.
When I realized it wasn’t me was when I found these communities. Discovering that this is truly abuse in a rare form,and it wasn’t only me that this was happening to, a fog started to lift within my self esteem. The day I realized how devalued I was is when I was grocery shopping one day and my head was lifted and I was looking at other shoppers. This went on for 15 years. I slowly started to communicate with passers by. A huge awakening!
💕 It really does feel like coming out of a fog. So much so that the world seems brighter now. Colors look more vivid. So weird. Glad you’re doing better.
Yes, physically feeling a weight lessening... a veil of consciousness achieved.
I have so much joy in this understanding.
That’s wonderful.
Have seen glimpses of this.
It's like a flourescent bulb flickering.
A moment of that clarity came to me today, when I was driving and slowed down and widened my spacing for an elderly man who was getting his mail along the road. He acknowledged my courtesy with eye contact and smiled. That kindness from him brought me tears, just to be seen, acknowledged and appreciated, with a smile, from a stranger. It's a wonderful interaction on its own, but a sad stark contrast to what I've come to expect from people. Just a smile from a stranger can have an impact.
I've recently realized I have no passions in life because my mom put down every interest I ever had. I believe it was because of two reasons: she wanted me to spend all my time with her and my interests didn't match what she thought a good daughter should be interested in. So I suppose I learned to not have passion or interests because everything I liked was wrong for a myriad of reasons she'd make up. As you can imagine, that really messed me up in terms of choosing a career. I actually chose a career I don't have much interest in because she messed me up so much about it all. I've recently started to work to deeply like things again and discover the things I truly like, which feels absurd. It feels like something no one should be able to destroy, but it shows just how far my trust in myself and value of myself got destroyed as a kid.
I experienced this too. No interest or. Personal skill was good enough. She continually harangued me about my choice of college major. My choices were always totally stupid. She devalued any accomplishments.
My brother once said, "You had 95 % negative reinforcement and 5% positive reinforcement. My looks were no good. My personality was no good and I was isolated from others who might respond to me positively. My life was very much darkened by so much devaluation.
I hear you. I can completely relate to this. I did not go into Psychology because she told me I didn’t want to. I was the most interested in that but I’m sure she knew I’d figure her out if I did. Most parents would be thrilled their child wanted to be a doctor. But before that, anything I loved, she made me feel bad for it as if I wasn’t good at it. After my first (and only after what she did) solo I had in HS, she asked me, when no one else was listening, if my voice cracked. It didn’t but it got in my head and I was so embarrassed. The rest of the night, when someone told me how well I did, I was embarrassed and thought they were just being nice. I never got over her planting that in my head and never tried out for another solo again. To this day I will not sing in front of people. She would also do this thing where she’d pretend she would be excited for me to try a new career or business and she would “help” me out by being a client. Then she would demean me the whole time, tell me I stunk at it and needed to do way better if I was going to do this for a living. She even told me I was treating her badly and no client would want to work with me if I treated them like that. All not true. One lady that heard her talking to me like this even walked by and gave me an eye roll and signaled that my mom was crazy (not knowing she was my mom). So I didn’t pursue that either. I have a lot of these stories but I understand exactly where you’re coming from. It’s very painful to try and find our interests and to feel the joy we once felt from them again. Good luck to you. I hope you find many interests and joys. 💕
Pretty much the same here. I think I've discovered a lasting effect that sucks the joy out of life: when I find something that I really like, I can be happy with it for about a week. Then I turn around and it's stupid, bad, inferior and I can't stop running it down. Deep down, I think that if *I* like it then it must be stupid, bad, and inferior. That's a hard habit to be in.
Soul-killing.
Same in my home, thanks for sharing✨✨✨
Your Brain listens to everything you tell yourself. The more you say it, the more you will believe it. It is really important for you to stop yourself in your tracks the moment you devalue yourself and instead remind yourself of your good qualities.
It’s hard to think you have good qualities when you were the scapegoat in a narcissistic family.
I needed to read this. Thank you❤!!!
Wow Dr. Ramani liked my comment!
@@blueshoes915 of course! But starting today you can help yourself. There are some exercises. Take a notebook and write down every day a whole page of "I have value" or "I deserve to be happy". Very important can be "I love and accept myself". One phrase for 10 pages (10 days) or more. It doesn't take much time. At first you feel silly and even guilty! But suddenly a moment comes when it is easier to think those words and you find out you start acting more with self respect... small constant steps are important. The patterns are changeable. :) I tried and I have to start again because I stopped when felt better ;) and it was not a full cure :(
@@blueshoes915 if you haven't check "the crappy childhood fairy" channel
I've learned to keep accomplishments I'm proud of secret from my father. If I show even a bit of pride, he tells me I'm too big for my britches and full of myself.
And those phrases bounce around my head every time I think I've done something well. Am I being prideful? It took me years to realize that it was just jealousy from him that I was accomplishing something that he couldn't. I still devalue everything I do, but I can take some pride in the big stuff. Just not too publicly.
Hi Charles, that was very mean of your dad wasn't it? I've raised my kids well, they're happy workers/good studentd and their accomplishments belong to them, that they 'did that', if at others times they thank me for their upbringing now realizing how 'lucky' they are I simply say 'all children should be raised as such, it's good to stay up to speed.
I pray you will be completely healed from this cycle. I had a very similar thing. A father so concerned I would get a big head, that every opportunity was given to keep me “humble.” God bless you, dear one.
I think you're wise not to share any accomplishments with your jealous father. Very wise. I support you in feeling righteously angry!
Charles, yes exactly! I learned from a very early age (younger than 5) not to even express that I had a good day, or that I got student of the month or something because it would result in, “well, you may be special at school, but you’re not student of the month here!” So now I struggle with even being positive around others. It feels extremely scary to be happy in front of others!
@@JamiePattersonBrady Mean parents.
I was raised with devaluation, so I developed a habit of "beating them to it," by berating myself so they wouldn't have to. It's been a tough habit to break, but I had to change and be kind to myself when I realized that some of my favorite people irrationally devalue themselves, and it drives me nuts. I realized I must be driving my friends nuts by insisting on this dysmorphic view of myself. So I made up my mind to do the self-care I wished my friends would do. It has been freeing, and I inspired a friend to do the same!
You take back the agency by doing their job of berating yourself, so that you are not surrendered to their bullying. I did same.
I do the same .. I feel that if I make fun of myself I will beat other people to it
I used to do that a lot too. So proud of you!
Ah crud, I think I can relate to the 'beating them to it' responce...I think I had a 'blame myself first to beat them to it'. It's like to get some kind of control over it...which it does give to a degree rather than just being a puppet on the strings of the toxic person, but in the long time you end up gaslighting yourself.
@@Crisjason156 Yeah, works in the short term to get agency back. IMO in the long term you end up gaslighting yourself.
When you realize your negative self talk is in your mother's voice. 🥺
LMAO.
Often when I see my reflection, I say out loud ‘I hate you’. I’m a child of a narcissist, caregiver of her. Now, I mindfully return to my reflection & name 5 things I like about myself. Not always possible - however I make it a high priority.
The hardest part is when they don’t actually say anything, but you can actually feel them devaluing you. I don’t know how to explain it; it’s subtle. It can be a look, indifference, silence even. My abuser verbalized very few strongly devaluing words, but he constantly made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. It was other indirect things like constantly talking about his ex, and how much he valued her and treated her “right”, while trying to start something with me. It left me feeling like I was in a continuous competition against someone I had never even seen before. I had never felt jealousy to that physically aching level before. I hated it; we don’t compete, we build each other up. And then there’s the people that’ll come with that toxic positivity shit like, “you decide how to react,” or, “It was your choice to do this, or that,” in effects like suicidal thoughts, self harm, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, etc. Victim blaming is something I’ve never tolerated. But whatever anyways, because, “the energy around him and his silence felt devaluing” would never hold up in a courtroom.
I still think it’s incredible how one person can have such an effect on you. It took him 5 months to break me into a million pieces, and it has taken me more than to years to build this mosaic called self again. And it’s still in progress.
So glad you got away!
Keep moving forward 💐
My narcissistic mother was either shouting at me or ignoring me completely. When I was telling her about my fears, my weaknesses she would either criticise or ignore me. When I decided to give up on medical school because I thought I couldn't handle it emotionally (I was one of the best students when I quit) she said "I knew you were not good enough for medicine". It screwed me forever. She was happy when my father beat me really bad, she wanted him to humiliate me just as her father humiliated her. It's been 25 years since I gave up on medicine and I still don't know what I want and who I am. If your parents are monsters and you're still financially or emotionally dependent on them at 40, you're in trouble.
I feel you.
Joanna C That woman is a monster. I’m so sorry for all of that. You deserve so much better than that. She’s broken and sick. There’s no remedy for her; she decided not to grow, so she steps on you and tries to burry you deeper than her to feel better about herself. It’s beyond me how a person can be so sadistic as to watch and enjoy someone’s pain. Your wounds are deep, and I understand the pain.
The fact that you were one of the best students when you left says a lot about you. Not that having failed is a failure in and of itself, but you can hold that tightly, and know that you were, in fact, good enough. If you couldn’t handle it emotionally, it’s okay to step back for a while, and rest. I left college on my last semester about to graduate. He hurt me and warped my sense of self and reality so badly, that it was taking a huge toll on me. I was trying to write a thesis, and present a seminar in front of judges (professors) who were also mean, devaluating, invalidating, entitled, some were arrogant, and I couldn’t even express how worthless and dissociated I’d feel up there. It was one of the loneliest I’ve ever felt. It physically hurt as well. But I couldn’t express any of it, because they would invalidate me, in front of everyone. So I left.
I can tell you that in the time I’ve been away, I’ve been able to heal, and find myself again, little by little. I left academic art, and after I rested, I slowly retook it outside of college, doing what I wanted this time. Even trying new things and hating them was so helpful. It let me know what I liked and didn’t like. I suggest, if medicine is your passion, go back to it. Take your time, and baby steps. If you can’t go back to the same thing, then try something new and more accesible like, natural medicine for example. Find yourself again by diving in to your darkness and nothingness right now. I’m still getting there myself. It’s painful and uncomfortable as hell, but when you reach the surface again, you’ll realize how incredibly powerful you really are. While I felt lonely as hell, I knew this dive was something I had to do on my own. No one can tell you who you are but yourself.
And try as hard as you can to get away from your mother. You can’t heal in the same environment that broke you. I understand your economic situation, I’m right there myself. Reach out to people that truly care about you. Reach out to this community as well; we get it. Reach out to me, if you need to, and feel comfortable doing so.
Sorry for the long reply
HUGS*
Pegasus 514 :) 🌿
Quieting the inner critic and replacing it with kind self-talk has been so key to healing. I have pet names for myself . . . honey, sugar, sweetheart . . . I'm so kind to me now. The shift has been so peaceful.
This was the best part of healing for me. Removing that cruel critic from my head was the catalyst for Peace and inner serenity.
@@infinitetundra Same. Not having that daily shaming voice is so freeing.
JoJo tell me about it
I love it 💝 What a good trick 👍
What if you don’t believe it at first? The things you tell yourself.
My life in a nutshell. My mother is a narcissist and she's been consuming my self-esteem since ever. I suffer from depression and BPD. I've always had suicidal ideation and I attempted suicide once. "If my mom doesn't love me, who will? I must be such a bad person whom can't be loved"
Thanks Dr. Ramani for your understanding ❤ it's really beautiful to have someone who knows what it really feels like
It's a strangely very lonely place to feel an absence of attachment to parents. I hope you have some kind of friend community you feel plugged into?
Good luck on your healing journey Dr Ramini is amazing and on point.i found this hard to hear because its so true makes me sad.. Lisa Romano is also great to listen to.
Thank you ❤
Other family members are supportive when it comes to this. Now that I know what narcissists are like, I have to adjust my expectations of her and remind myself that she'll never change.
Same as of my situation sooo sad to hear ..my mother a covert narcissist and i was a scapegoat and now diagnoded with depression and BPD
@@anam3639
It's terrible, I know. But I'm sure there's at least one thing in your life is worth fighting for. I hope you get better ❤
I never was a perfect wife to the narc. According to him, I never have been there for him, I never had everything in the house in order, I never attended to his needs, I never answered his calls on time, I never put him first... I simply was never enough despite me giving up myself for him. I was always trying to be complacent. It was stressful. It took me 19 years to realize that I was not the problem and now I feel peace and tranquility... Like I took a load off my shoulders (and what a load! ). I was devalued big time. Now I know my worth.
Mayra Lozana we should put ourselves first. Always.💜
This describes a former me; these days I'm healing and content in my own skin.
I like how your videos have evolved from teaching about the narcissist to learning how they affected us and how to heal. Everything has been so helpful and empowering. Thank you!
Me too ❣️
When I got good grades at my school education my narcissist mother said “not as bad as I expected”. Not “well done” or “great work”. I challenged her on this years after and explained how much the comment hurt and her response was “well that’s what I thought”. No sorry. No correction. They are just awful people. Go no contact.
you will NEVER get a "sorry" out of one
Narcs never apologize. They are too weak.
Narcissists have nothing but contempt for others, so that is why they don't apologize, they literally think of others as worse than c***. That is their mindset!
Truly apologising to someone you have to respect them. So narcs will never apologize to you.
There is strength in you walking away and not needing their apologies, just let it go.
Same here. I got good grades on my report cards, my teachers wrote nice compliments and my mother mocked me and made fun of me. She never said I was smart or did a good job. There was no encouragement. She shamed me instead. It still hurts. I still to this day don’t feel like I’m smart or a good enough person.
They might say sorry... But it's never genuine and it's only because they got caught acting like an ass. A "fauxpology". I recently got a fake sorry out of my mom and it was so shallow. "I'm sorry I was this. I'm this, this and that. I'm sorry I'm blahblahblah." So quick to make it about themselves with zero remorse for the damage they actually caused. They simply cannot see it. That's probably the toughest pill to swallow.... That they'll never be sorry and they'll never recognize the pain they've caused.
Narcissists hate it when you love yourself with normal, healthy and necessary self-love.
I started looking at exercise for my back and neck. Started going to a gym and worked at first with a trainer. The lifting weights was so wonderful that it removed a lot of (emotional) stress in my back , shoulders and neck. I started thinking better, clearer and about my situation. Then found a diet for my age group and area of my body. Major difference! I like ME again and I am proud of myself!! That was the best ME TIME I have done! Still doing it!!!
💪☺
LOL - I think I remember starting out in life with lots of confidence....then I was born! Thats ok, now that I know, I can work on all of this!
LOL! Thank you for the laugh. Also, you’re right! You should be confident because you’re clearly hilarious and a beautiful woman. 💕
I finally started to take care of my self after 11 years. I’ve been losing my hair, joints aches, fatigue, headache. But now I feel much better and narc is asking me what is going on. I’m doing gray rock treatment 👌it works amazingly. I’m in🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 mood
I escaped a narc family by enlisting in the Marine Corps. I was nothing more than a kid who completed some of the most intense training on the planet. Not a single family member showed for my graduation at Parris Island. It still hurts to this day but I got the message. You're on your own. Earned a university degree, nice career and married a great woman. Self respect is the only respect that matters. Let the narcs wallow.
I have friend that joined the navy, he had been through a lot of abuse from his mom. He is a lot stronger mentally now so good luck.
This almost made me cry. Thanks for this important message.
It made me cry JR, so I feel you. We’re on a journey to healing together. Hope you have a great day ☺️☀️
Made me cry also, and it's been 20 years since I haven't been with my narcissist first husband. I'm scarred for life! So sad
Made me cry too. My relationship 2 my recent ex Narc was so confusing. His actions showed love and care that I've never experienced, but his verbal insults were equivalently hurtful. He'd never apologize and blamed everything on me. Going through so much pain and confusion. Dr Ramanis videos have been helpful though. She's truly a blessing
Me too! Thank you Dr Ramani! Clarity...😁
But you’re also gonna find that after you figure a narcissist out and you’re living still in the situation they will play both sides of the coin and they will give you just enough reinforcement for you to survive and still manage to let you know you’re not good enough at the same time. That’s why you need to pay attention to the fact that narcissists come in all shapes all sizes and all degrees they aren’t a one size fits all
Very good point Susan!
Yes very important this is the main thing I tell everyone about narcs...always check yourself and take a step back, get a 3rd person view.
Yes, narcissism is a spectrum and varying degrees for sure. Some are far worse than others
This is a really important point. I keep feeling guilty or silly or wrong for trying to find healing from my narc mother... because she was OFTEN so loving a kind.
I am now trying to say what God says about me. Because in the past, I have definitely devalued myself.
I am not religious but I used to be and still like some “Christian” music. I think the song “You Say” by Lauren Daigle might resonate with you. It makes me cry almost every time. It’s very powerful. Much love. 💕
@@blueshoes915 thank you. I do love her voice. Will check out the song.
Still learning how..
@@lrm3924 You will get there.
God says you are amazing in his eyes and deserve to be happy and loved unconditionally. That helped me sob much when someone told me that. I used to care waaaay too much of what people though of me until I realized they are just as much flawed as I am and the only one who is perfect is the Lord and he is loving, compassionate, and merciful and knows your heart. The only thing mattered is what Jesus thinks. And he thinks you are the most amazing thing he created despite all your wrong doings!
I really hate how these narc people pay so much attention to you. They pay more attention to you then you do to yourself. They end up knowing stuff about you that you never knew or cared for. All they use it for is to manipulate you.
And then there's the passion agression. You know you're getting on their nerves when they start doing the little things to piss you off instead of just telling you they're mad you.
I was on an assertiveness course a year ago, and the teacher straight out told me "you have no self esteem". That was the start of my recovery journey (at 56). It's a daily battle though, like being a recovering alcoholic, to not tell yourself that you are ugly, stupid, idiot. I'm sure everybody knows what I am talking about- we actually say those things out loud when there's nobody around. Hmm, and there's nobody around due to our chronic self isolating. A hugely empowering thing is I've lately been telling people the truth about the family, and they have been surprisingly supportive- people see more than you think, but it's like the whole world has a conspiracy to pretend everything is OK.
In “the art of war” tsun tzu said “defending comes from lacking and attacking comes from abundance” it’s also proved that the countrys that had started a war and won it is because they prepared for it.
Thank you, Dra. Ramani - So sad that people have to treat other people so awful.
I used to have a lot of self confidence, my narcissist husband said that was what attracted him to me, and then he took it all from me until I had no self confidence at all, he wanted me to have the perfect job and be the perfect wife and look like a porn star so that he would look good and other men would be jealous of him.
I remember when he said he needed to take me down a notch .. that was pivotal... at that point I knew he had ill intent
I had a “friend” who would always say, “I’m just keeping you grounded” every time she said something nasty to me
That mean voice in our head is typically the voice of our parents, messages from society or the narc that we've internalized. I now speak to myself as if I were a child that I favored (can't remember where I read that) but it's been so transformation.
Interjects
What a lovely idea!
In the past would devalue myself, but only in the presence of my covert narc friend. Through lots of therapy and these wonderful videos I broke the pattern. Thanks Dr. Ramani.
When a children show devalue themselves how can a person teach them to value themselves.
Spend time with them and show them your undivided attention and honest appreciation. That’s what i try to do
Kids imitate their parents. If you notice behaviour in them --ask yourselves the question, do I do that?
Gently let them know you see them in a Beautiful light, and do not feed into their negative self image. Compliment a child honestly, be excited With them and For them. Help them discover their strengths, talents, and natural abilities. Encourage them to read and learn about what interests them. Laughs together work wonders. A person can do All of these things, even with a child you know for only a few moments of time. And you can Always pray for that child🌱.
@@anyways661 thanks
Also correct their wrong behaviour with positive alternatives, and praise them up when they choose the positive behaviour. Also depending on your role in that child's life you can do different things....e.g my step grandmother came into my life when I was 7, saw how my narc parents were treating me, and behind the scenes she and grandpa spoke up in my defense and for me. What I saw was I spent extra time at their house and was loved up there, listened to, and we laughed. So they helped build me up as they could, where they could.
My main devaluing belief has been "I'm not productive enough". I've since thrown it out the window. I do a great deal, considering my circumstances.
I constantly get called names and am put down by my S.O. with little regard for how anything he says or does actually effects me.
I don't doubt myself still, think that's what frustrates him the most.
He claims he's be fine with or without me yet will only let me leave on his terms and if he chooses where I will reside once we're not together since he controls all the finances.
What bothers me most is the neglect the animals he got to manipulate and control me more than he alrdy did will suffer once I'm gone.
Pretty much wish it wasn't his property because he doesn't deserve the animals or such a nice place after blindly justifying his actions towards me.
Yes, he's been physically violent as well and will day it was my fault because I pushed him to be that way. Which I know and have always known to be false. He makes the choice of his actions, no one else is responsible for his actions but him.
I know I'm not dumb, stupid, retarded, a moron, a cunt, a Craigslist slit or whore, let alone anything else he's called me.
I know I contribute and take care of the animals no matter how much he tries to devalue my efforts.
I know I deserve better than this.
Cov-19 is making this more impossible than it alrdy felt. 😭😭😭😭😭😭
Narc gets inflated and happy when i say i have lived a rough life🤔
It takes a lot of inner work to realize the extension of the damage in someone’s life caused by that negative self image implanted by narcs and psychopaths. Most people take it with them unconsciously though life. It’s not even that you think you don’t deserve things, but you feel like you don’t, it’s more subtle.
This is how narcissistic one of my caregivers were. ( Growing up I had two narcissists as caregivers I called them the egg and sperm donor). Now I have an eating disorder I dealt with the eating disorder most of my life I am in recovery now. That being said, egg donor and we were speaking at the time, and I told her that I needed to pick up the bridesmaid dress because I was going to a friend's wedding at the time. This is what she said to me "Oh, you can stand to lose a few pounds" in my head not verbalizing oh, I'm like that's a great way to tell an eating disorder patient that they need to lose weight really.
Each one of us deals with our own kinds of issues in life. I have multiple chronic physical and mental health issues. Except just to look at me, you wouldn't know anything was wrong. So I have my share of people (not medical professionals) who doubt that I am disabled, that I need a cane to walk sometimes, that I am eligible for a reserved (handicapped) public parking space, that i have chronic pain issues, all of these things. I have lived with "invisible illnesses" for so long that I am no longer surprised to get the occasional strange look from people who don't know me. It's still invalidating and worsens my depression. So I empathize greatly that your mother was unkind when she mentioned your weight as you are managing an eating disorder. There is never any justification, when you are already feeling bad, for anyone to come and make you feel even worse.
@@danielkaiser8971 Hugs! Well at least I know I'm not alone in this. Which makes it a bit easier. Not a whole crap-ton but a bit easier.
wow!!! I was devalued at my mother's house. She actually rejected me when she got pregnant of me. I heard she's saying it few times. So I felt out of place at my mother's house all my life. She totally devalued my hub and daughter. When I was growing up I did notice that my mother and sister were narcs, of course. Shame on me I just found out about their disorder few months ago at age 51. But I was I fighter. I tried so hard in my life to successed in life and be a good person, I remember I used to pray to be a good daughter and sister. But you know I for them was never good enough. But you know I am very good. I haven't seen them for 5 years 100% no contact. That is good for me and family. Happpy!!!
IT was hard to brush my teeth as a kid because at night, while my dad was at work, my mother would yell at me.
Part of loving and forgiving myself was understanding that that was a problem, learning better habits, and granting myself the love and care to get my teeth repaired and improved.
Reparenting myself is huge.
so true , a bad relationship takes the incentive out of you ,it is the narc supply that ruins your physical and emotional health , leave and heal
The relationship which took my health was with my mother. After I went "no contact" I began to heal. Over the years, I still chose some wrong people to be with, but today I find myself paying close attention to how I feel around new people, since in the past I ignored red flags which always came true. New people in my life are drastically different than certain toxic people in my past, and my life is good now.
Today I would like the honor of validating you. Publicly.
Your dedication, DAILY, to those of us who are barely hanging on to those who have truly overcome, are so grateful to you. Your ripple effects matter.
I valued myself today in a big way that I wouldn't have if it weren't for you. Thank you. Infinitely. I feel a teensy bit lighter and every bit helps.
That true, sooo warm, (last before Covid SIP to now besides my BFF Hubs) hug by you in Los Gatos and you seeing who I am under the hood of this vehicle my ridiculously empathic soul was born to drive around in... is what has kept my, (and Hubs too), ass on the path of "We WILL get through this." Even during our darkest moments, you are there in our minds cheering us on. Let's face it, this year has been incredibly dark. The silver linings ARE there and you illuminate so many. Daily. With skill and dedication that deserves a Nobel Peace prize. (When I grow up, I wanna be like you! * grin *)
Thank you for taking the driver's seat... we're all in such safe, loving, capable, honorable hands.
"When the student is ready the teacher appears." Indeed. My soul's mission is becoming clearer, finally. 💞
See ya tomorrow. ♥️
Thank you for your kind words! I miss having seminars in person! Sooo glad I got to meet you! Hope you’re doing well and staying safe! ❤️❤️
I only learned that my spouse is a covert narc in 2019, after over 30yrs of marriage! I always thought her infidelity was solely because of my inadequacies regardless how much praise and recognition i get externally. I had very low self esteem and felt so lousy about myself in every aspect... every sspect! It took my 6 months of study, youtube, internet surfing... after heavy reflection did i begin to understand. A big thanks to Dr Ramani... yours a few channels have been able to make me undrtstand my situation. this video like many of yours hit the many nails that have been torturing me for over 30 yrs... now that i know, the wife is soooo predictable! thank you Dr Ramani!
I too am just awakening to realize after 30 years of marriage that I am dealing with a narcissist. Foolish me I thought I could “love” my husband into treating me better. Hoping he would mirror my positive loving behavior. Praying for the day when I can get Out!!!
That’s the hard part. So you wake up after 30 years of devaluation. You have no job. No marketable skills. No talents. No confidence. How do you get out?
CJ Duden Get Out mentally and emotionally until you can get out physically. It’s difficult when you are an empathetic person but fight for your mental and emotional health. Find something you enjoy...focus on that. Until you can get a job save your money and get out. That’s my plan! Hope for the best...you survived the worst.
That’s really scary and why i will likely NEVER get married much less have a relationship. You can know someone for YEARS, sharing all your secrets and thinking you can trust someone then it turns out years later that they were toxic and a narc. Yeah no thank you. 👎🏼
Wow! She understands.
So lovely to see you again this morning, we are going to figure this stuff out, we all will!
Amen! ❤
I am a survivor of a narcissist mother for whom I never did anything right. I have been no contact for 6 years now. During these past 6 years I have been homeless, literally lived on the streets, but I used that time to find out who I am. I have an apartment now and a great job working at a group home for developmentally disabled adults and yesterday as my supervisor was getting off work she said to me, you got this. I like that. I don't have to worry when I'm not here. That meant so much to me because I now know that I am capable and dependable.
If anyone of you is listening to Dr. Romani in this video, what she says in the last few minutes is priceless information. Because of my own narcissistic abuse throughout my life I have only managed to survive with the positive reinforcement of my friends and strangers.
Its a life long struggle but I am worthy of happiness and so are you.
Yes you are absolutely correct. It is indeed a lifelong struggle, and you are indeed worthy of happiness. And so am I, but I'm already there. You are so awesome for recognizing what you need to and then doing it for your own mental health. Hang in there, bud.
This describes me at one time in my life. These days I'm healing and content in my own
You make a good point in the “self-talk” becoming negative because you begin to assume all the negative assumptions made about you... and if you’ve been isolated... the only voice you have echoing in your ear is your narcs... so it pings around in your head getting louder and louder because there’s nothing to stop it 😩
One of the issues that has become very blatant to me is the trend in our society of becoming hugely narcissistic and devaluing others not in one’s circle.
It has become almost a fashion of our time.
If you have been devalued year after year, and are now faced with the horrid behaviors in society that have become so commonplace, it makes it that much more difficult to move forward .
We need to reject rude, devaluing behavior as acceptable when we can, and go out of our way to use kindness and warmth with people we encounter daily.
I’m stunned at the rudeness and self absorbed behaviors that have become the norm in our society.
We all deserve better…!
Self talk is helpful. Sometimes when I go to sleep I say "everything will be alright". It conforts me
It would be helpful if you would consider making a video on how to interview and select a therapist. There are unfortunately many
out there .... from clinical psychologists to life coaches ...who are poorly trained or simply don’t get it. Accordingly, they engage in invalidating, even shaming behavior with their clients, thus adding to the abuse. These naive clinicians insist on superficial behavior modifications and formulaic communication therapies and ultimately make matters worse. Dr. Ramani, you are like a breath of fresh air. I am so grateful that you are awake, aware, knowledgeable and genuinely supportive of your listeners.
It’s been 2 decades and I’m still working to deprogram the damage to my mental health from a 7 year relationship with a Narc and my abusive childhood. I was doing well until I ran into him a few years ago. All those triggers and trauma came floating back. I know I’ll overcome this. It will
Just take time.
At least you know these are just triggers, nothing else. But yeah, I know they are sometimes overwhelming. You seem having made progress in your healing. Go on!
I'm 40 and I live normal life.. . But in difficult situations.. everything comes back... and I see myself like my narcissistic patent did..
It's like Dr.Ramani is reading my mind and sending help from afar! Thank you Dr.Ramani 🙏
It hits a whole lot harder when you're so exhausted of fighting and being gaslighted (gaslit?) that you cant think and end up apologizing and criticizing yourself to make it all stop for a bit. And this is the ultimate reassurance for the narc that you are exactly where they want you to be.
As always, thank you Dr. Ramani. The narc, my ex, Mr. Happy would pretend I was invisible. I did not shower for a week at a time, wear the same clothes and had terrible headaches . I would crawl into bed until picking up the kids at 3pm. All the while he "worked from home" but surprisingly was never there when I needed him. When I felt too sick to pick up my 3 year old from school, he conveniently left his cell phone at home. I feel most sorry for my now 18 year old son, who witnessed everything. He went from a happy, fun loving baby to a sad introverted young, depressed adult. He is currently in survival mode, because his dad sued for custody, I fought but had to succumb after 2 years because I had no more money to fight. Sadly, 2 of my 3 children don't speak to me, I assume because they don't want to be ostracized by their father and be without a place to live. I am certain the narc uses their young babies to keep their victims (spouses) tethered to the narc, so we can't be independent.
I am so sorry. You deserve a lot better. I had a lot of similar problems but am getting better and do can you bless you on your journey!
@@workingtoseethelight8244 blessings are greatly appreciated. Please semd payers to Alex, Melanie and Jack. Sending prayers to you and your family as well.☀️
It is so refreshing to hear someone describe this who just gets it!!
Don’t forget the wicked Triangulation !! Massive damage.
This is so funny!! I literally asked myself can narcissists make you devalue yourself yesterday. Wow.
This resonates deeply. I was raised by a narcissistic father and now have come to understand my brother shares those traits too. Its not just the negative selftalk. There was shaming in my family when I showed joy, even just by singing. I was told something was wrong with me, that I was crazy.
It was mind changing when I heard from someone that I love and loves me that "You deserve to be happy".
You are a blessing Dr. Ramani
The first time I went into home treatment (it's a hybrid between psych hospital and being at home), the first nurse I met said to me about how me and my mom had been doing the job of a whole hospital to look after my sibling and how exhausting it was. There was more, but I can't say it publicly. But it was the first time I felt *I* was "seen" in years, the first time anyone recognised what I had been living with for my whole life.
I'd had so long isolated with the superficial relationships I have written to you about in email, that to be "seen" just for a moment... Those few words have stayed with me for these past two years: that's how powerful it is to be seen.
I saw that nurse a year later, and I thanked him for that, that I felt seen, and he had tears running. I don't know if that was his caring for me, or feeling as if his job had actually made a difference. I hope it was the latter, that he knows/feels he made someone's life that bit better, that he knew someone felt seen, and made him feel his job was worthwhile.
This makes so much sense now why I always belittle myself when amongst my family. Whenever there is a stressful situation with other family members I would always put myself down to make them feel better!
You are a blessing Dr Ramani, Thank You!
Luckily, my mom gave us a lot of love, support and valuation, because my dad practiced constant devaluation, criticism and rage...more recently, my malignant narc neighbor has tried her best to put me down, with the most vicious and malicious insults, and tries to smear me in our community! I tell myself that she basically is just describing herself!...and I now practice no contact.
It seems that the world is becoming increasingly narcissistic at a rapid rate! Is it due to www social media?...or is there something in the air, water or diet that is causing this? Whew!
An out loud “NO” hahahahhaah love you
I’ve always been ‘unfortunate’ looking in the eyes of my parents, but I always told myself one day I’d meet someone who could see past my unfortunate body and face.... I did! Many months after meeting my future husband & never ever hearing a kind word from him (like I would hear my friends partners say to them) I built up the courage to ask him ‘Do you think I’m pretty?’. His reply was ‘I don’t care about looks’. All he had to do was say yes, instead he worked on my fears. Now that I see myself differently I can see there’s nothing wrong with my looks. At the very least I’m perfectly average, normal, not deformed in anyway. What a shame I spent my youth feeling so deformed & irrationally ugly. At least now I know. Thank you for your videos - YOU MAKE A BEAUTIFUL DIFFERENCE IN THIS WORLD ❤️
I am literally in tears after watching this.. I have been in a 28 year marriage with a narc and I have always felt things are my fault, (he would not treat me this way if I had not gained some weight etc.) I felt like Dr. Ramani was talking directly to me... her videos have been life changing for me... this is making me question everything.
I am in a relationship with a guy who is a narc and he CONSTANTLY devalues me directly or indirectly to elevate others. And tries to manipulate me too
Janine smith: as a narc survivor and as many survivors here will tell you, it does not get better. It will not. Stop living in hope that he will see how much you love him and treat you better. Just leave. And don't ask him for permission to leave just pack and leave and go no contact. Your mental, physical and emotional health depends on it .
@@africanqueen3320 i totally agree with you, i finally broke up with my ex after lots and lots of devaluation, gaslighting, manipulating from his side. He did whatever he could do to make me feel like I'm a piece of shit, and after 7 months I'm still trying to recover from that toxic relationship. And he's out there living his life just like he used to, with a new girl this time obviously. It took me a lot of time to realize what was happening while i was with him in the relationship, but now I'm glad that it's over. I haven't fully recovered yet but there's this peace within me that i used to crave before 💜
Good one!!! I wish that I had access to this information as a kid; I was an island then.
Rely on the "The kindness of strangers." has got me over a few humps. People closest to you are more able to do the most damage.
I'm a survivor of dysfunctional family abuse by elder sisters and parents. I can relate to this so much. I too am more comfortable with criticism than praise. Though I'm in no-contact mode with those family members now I still subconsciously do self sabotaging behaviours and distance myself from anyone who is appreciative of me, and lose good opportunities because I'm not comfortable with success or having more than just enough.
I can so relate! I also think people are childish when they need constant praise! I normally think they are narcissistic if they need that...
Bon weekend from French Canada 🇨🇦 everyone, hope you get to do something you enjoy!
@Black Weirdo your cat still needs new batteries, sorry for late reply, had trouble at Mars' border!
This is huge, Dr. Ramani ! I spend decades putting myself down and had an awful, awful, time accepting positives and compliments.......I was sure they just didn't know how "bad" I really was. I remember my mother being angry that my in laws liked me......she said that when they found out what I am really like, they wouldn't like me either. Many times I got irritated that anyone would say something nice about me (although I so much craved that affirmation.....how ironic !). I ended up pushing away kind people and gravitating towards people who held a more negative view of me....the negative was a comfortable (though unhappy) place, and I just didn't know what to do with the positive, it was terrifying. It took YEARS of counseling to get to a better place. It was a long road full of potholes, but the journey has absolutely been worth it. Thank you so much for sharing all your insight !
Truth! I had pneumonia three times and I only a couple of yrs ago realized that i didn't eat well or exercise at all and didn't really care for myself because of all the thoughts in my head from years of narc abuse.
I tried to hid myself so I wouldn't get hurt. I did believe that I was not enough. I know I am enough. I am glad that I had the strength to set myself free. I followed my dreams.
This vid took me to the next level. Every once in awhile there will be a video that will make something else click in my head, this is one of them. Thank you!
I was in a narcissistic marriage for 20 years, devalued by my husband and myself. Our son now 20 devalues himself and me from years of observing. He thinks his father is wise and has his back. Very difficult cycle to break!
This is what they do...and have no remorse for causing our kids to hate us...
Another problem I had was, after narcissistic treatment, I confided in a "friend" to talk through shit, let out my vulnerable self, and the "friend" turned out narcissistic again. It hurt me bad, emotionally, psychological wounds are rough to go through the same patterns again. That's why I decided to trust myself first. Becoming strong and tough to crack.
I watch your videos, obsessively(?) soaking them in.
Stunned, each day. And every video continues to be a gold mine of TRUTH.
I am from a dual NARC family origen.
And one vulnerable covert violent NARC parent who openly claims no empathy or compassion, or desire to change.
My loyalty & compassion and empathy scare me.
I must ask and confront if they are pathological - and it’s terrifying.
I decided that I need to keep the encouragement and let go the devalue. A stranger sent me a message "you should write a book" and it really made me feel much more loving toward myself. So many times we worry about the audience when we get up to sing. When the song is for US, the reception matters less and less. I sing for me. If you enjoy it, bonus.
I was very confident in my body before I met him, after a month he then kept making remarks that I needed to put on weight. I’m not even close to being underweight and I was thinking last night that I needed to gain a few pounds
They said same to me -
1. to make us fat so no one will want us, and
2. to lower our self esteem
@@GodsSparrowSpeaks HIS eyes are on the SPARROW.
I was underweight (somehow I just can't out on weight), but I was freakishly fit for outdoor activities like trekking etc. Spent 4 years with 2 malignant and 1 covert narc and now I just don't feel that healthy feeling again, or even look at myself in the mirror. Till recently, I felt that I'm the ugliest looking person.
Same he has done to me he was calling me fat..like just my ex fiance was calling me thin
It doesn't sound like you asked him why he wants you to put on some weight. Are there other behaviors that could suggest he is a narcissist? Is he trying to devalue you? There is a huge difference between a request and narcissistic devaluation.
So important. The most important advice that I ever had was: Your opinions matter. I had waited all my life for that validation .I had been told all my life that the best I could hope for is negotiating a small sense of who I am, as long as my family wouldn’t beat it down . At my age it is a bit shameful to admit that I can now stand strong. Better late than never, right?
A narcissist boss once told me he was "going to break me" right in from of another narcissistic secretary who just ate it up & made her feel more justified to keep undermining me behind my back!! After than my job & mylife became a living hell betwen the to of them! It's been years & I'm still trying to recover from all the trama they have caused me!
Thank you for being here. I am finding great insight in what you have been discussing and explaining. I wonder if a lack of motivation is also a symptom. I realize now that I was in 2 of these relationships back to back and I am feeling completely depleted in every sense of the word; mentally, physically, and emotionally depleted. I feel overwhelmed by many small or simple tasks, or just going to work without feeling anxious. I have more feeling bad days than good.
Thank you, thank you, thank you... some beliefs of mine and some choices I made about life and my reality were exactly devaluations, due to narcissistic people around me... many of them... Oh, I am so over that now. This video is such great support and eye-opening.
Thank you for this clip. I now understand why I had low self esteem and am still working on it. I had narcissist managers, work colleagues, friends and. Relationships. I didn’t love myself and didn’t know how to love myself. I absolutely had damaging beliefs about myself. This clip has been healing for me.
Total underachiever in life from personal choices to poor self care and has gotten worse since quarantine/isolation paired with my borderline/narcissistic mother's failing health.
So sorry my passed away and it was hard. I really hope you get there somehow and stay strong.
@@workingtoseethelight8244 thankyou.
I grew up with Narc parents - both. So I really can relate. What helped me tremendously to get out of this negative self-talk and self-sabotage was EFT. It's really worth a try.
Me too!!
This is another eye opening video, I def got this because my family would always doubt me and make me look like was unable to do anything, masking it as 'fear for my safety'. It was insane, it even got to a point where they would want me, a somewhat heatlhy 24 yo at that time to avoid going outside in the rain so I wouldn't 'fall and break my bones'. Now my first reaction to everything is to get scared and doubt I'll ever be able to manage what life throws at me, even after proving myself I can do so many times.
I can relate to this.. masking controlling and often toxic behavior with an act of concern 'oh i am so worried about you.. are you sure you can do this?' ' I think this is too much for you to handle, you have always been so sensitive and weak, I am so concerned for your wellbeing ' etc etc
Yep. Self-devaluation. That describes me for most of my life. I learned early that I may as well be invisible. No more. I don’t need to be the center of attention. But I am no longer invalidating myself nor allowing others to do so.
Through this channel I happened to know that I am suffering from childhood and the same in adulthood marriage relationship what I am experiencing is Narcissistic abuse.Really God helped me through You.Though I consulted many Psychologists they didn’t realise it . Thank you for helping me 🙏 Knowledge is Wisdom.Thank you so much