Great video. My relationship of five years ended a month ago when the love of my life decided to move on. I loved her deeply, and I can't stop thinking about her and the memories we created together. I've done everything I can to try to bring her back, but nothing has worked. I'm feeling frustrated and can't imagine my life with anyone else. I've tried to push the thoughts away, but they keep coming back. I’m not sure why I'm sharing this here, but I really miss her and wish I could have her back.
I've been in a similar situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but I couldn't let her go. I did everything I could to win her back, including seeking the help of a spiritual advisor who guided me in bringing her back into my life. We're together again now, and I can honestly say I'm enjoying every moment.
You sound like you fought really hard for your relationship. Imagine how much more rewarding and beautiful it will be when you do give that love to the right one. Staying in a relationship when you are the only one working so hard to keep is a very unfulfilling relationship that will not be healthy. Many ppl stay for the wrong reason. Stay with and fight for the one that also fights for you. I’m trying to live this example myself. I don’t want to be in a relationship like I’m an expired product. And he’s the one that piicls when it ends. I can’t live like that. Still working on my exit. Wish you well. Careful with scammers in line.
I look at my relationship the same way I view any valuables I own. For example….my car, my home, the money I earn. When I’m not in my car, I lock the doors, when I’m away from home or preparing to go to bed, I make sure the windows are shut, all doors are locked etc…My money is kept securely in a bank. I believe, the same measures we take to protect our valuables should be just as important to protect our relationship. And I think the way to do that is by having personal standards and setting clear boundaries that wouldn’t allow someone else to enter
I don’t agree with it… I would never cause any problems to my best friend love life.. my best friend of 6 years We’ve been romantically involved at the beginning of our friendship, but he cheated on me, at that time. But I stayed friend with him because I preferred having him in my life as friend than not having him at all. So he came to visit me for 2 weeks last year, we’ve been intimate at the moment. But when he got back home, he got in a relationship, he kept talking to me like usual til June, where he was messaging me less frequently, he did say that his girlfriend didn’t want him to talk to me anymore, he said she didn’t have any right or say on his friends…. It’s been 2 months since the last message he sent me and it wasn’t something about the fact that we shouldn’t talk anymore, it was about the 6 years of friendship we have…. He just kicked me out of his life… we live to 5 260km from each other!!! She had nothing to worry about… but I lost my best friend 😔
Why reconnect? Im still connected with my ex. Obviously it didn't work out as a couple. But still she knows me pretty well and if there weren't sympathy we wouldn't have been a couple. Its good to have a friend that knows you that well. Still id never consider ever trying a new couple relationship because our characters and goals in live don't match well enough....
@@BlackyRay_Patrick The things she was doing weren’t as simple and straightforward as you portray and not everyone has that same realization and understanding as you do. She was kind of playing with fire, but she should have had more consideration for him and his feelings. Like Matthew also said in a prior video, that’s data and that’s a lesson you’ve learned. A lot of times we keep going back repeatedly and engage in that on again off again pattern or cycle. We hold onto that ex for certain qualities that attract us or because the sex is amazing, never mind that we aren’t compatible or that we just don’t go together.
I love how compassionate and rational you both are, not taking strong stances on either extreme, but falling in a loving and reasonable center. This tends to be how you approach issues and it's so great
Being the 'cool girl/guy' that goes along with things you don't agree with will just leave you lonely. It's good to have boundaries and communicate them. It is not okay to bring an ex back into a partnership. I love what Matthew said about not spreading your energy. I know a guy that is very flirty and calls all the women in his life gorgeous or beautiful as nicknames. It always makes me think he does it to get a little boost out of the women flirting with him and thinking he's a 'sweet guy'. I've always seen it as a 'need' on his behalf to get something back from that exchange.
If the ex is a big enough deal that you would risk your current relationship for this "friendship" with the ex, that says everything. That's the crux of the matter. YOU ARE WILLING TO RISK YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP FOR AN EX. Then that person is not an ex.
Oh there is only one reason. You know what that is. I am friends with my ex but that was from when we were dating when we were 17, decades ago. He is like my brother and has been for a long time. I was the one who encouraged him to finally put a ring on it, to his long term girlfriend. I fully support his marriage and she knows it! So believe me when I say, that is a RARE situation. Any adult relationships where someone is reconnecting with an ex means they love the attention, love the excitement, and is headed towards infidelity like a speeding train.
I completely agree with what Audrey said about why do people feel the need to keep in touch with people that they have been previously intimately acquainted with? To me it just shows tremendous insecurity and that you desperately need that validation of the ex, that thing of showing them what they’re missing springs to mind. That means you’re living in the past so how can you possibly move forward with your life. As hard as it can be to do sometimes you really do have to cut ties if you want to find someone more compatible. This usually involves becoming secure enough to not be validated by other people romantically for a season. It will heal you like nothing else when you can learn to validate yourself. I have never kept in touch with an ex and if there’s no children involved I’m not sure why you would but that’s just my opinion.
Yes. Trust your instincts on this one. Doesn't matter how long you've been together. Nobody is okay with this including the person who is attempting to convince you it is so the fact that they're doing this shows a tremendous amount of insincerity and/or immaturity on their behalf. They're asking you to become accustomed to a situation that will make you miserable. I'd even wager, they'd gaslight you if you address your concerns, making it seem like its no big deal. If you don't listen to how you actually feel about this, you'll find your mental health slipping away.
An Ex is an Ex for a reason. Bringing them back in again is a red flag and asking for trouble in your relationship. My husband and I have a few platonic friendships with the opposite sex but we are both always welcome to come along on an afternoon out.
On a side note: keeping in touch with exes is one of the most typical traits of a narcissist. I'm not saying reconnecting with one ex makes one a narc, but beware. If it looks like a pattern, run.
Ultimately what’s happening is the rebuilding of an emotional connection thats a deal breaker keeping your options open means your not fully committed to your current relationship
In my opinion, if your partner has had sexual encounters with somebody in their past, them re-opening any type of connection showcases a level of disregard for your perspective and boundaries (if you're not comfortable with it). Everybody's boundaries and relationship dynamics are different, but if your partner is uncomfortable with that connection between previous lovers (which is rational to me), you're ultimately choosing between your own interests and the stabilization of the relationship. Diving into WHY you feel the need to connect with the ex or the old fling will answer your question. If there's even an ounce of lust or romance that drives that desire to reconnect, you're disrespecting your relationship IMO. And with someone you have a history with, I believe it's rare that that isn't the case.
I'm absolutely certain my ex's wife would not have appreciated him reaching out to me, especially since when he did reach out to me in 2022 he never mentioned he had remarried. After learning this, I confronted him and he said "So I didn't tell you all the details of my life..." How lovely he called his wife a detail, I'd like him to tell her that. Put that boundary in place with your partner right away... no eX.
My ex had a best friend ride or die recurring fuck buddy. Valued the fuck buddy to the point that we couldn't even visit family because a visit with her was required.Needless to say we are DONE!!!
I used to agree with you, but after experiencing multiple failed relationships I do think speaking and dating multiple people is OK in early dating until you are exclusive/intimate with someone. You need to vet someone before committing to them, and this vetting period often lasts for months. Not focusing on a single person often will give you the distance to have a clearer view of who you are talking to.
My ex reconnected with one of his ex’s about 2 years into our relationship and helped her with some things. It wasn’t an issue. We made it 4.5 years together. I eventually left because he wasn’t progressing the relationship and I got tired of waiting. He eventually moved on to someone new, not the ex.
@Kmahersh01 - Just pondering on what you have shared. Maybe he didn't progress things with you because she was back in his life, and he was sub-consciously, or consciously, compairing you both? Maybe he realised he didn't want long-term with you, and wanted you to end things? Meaning he had to find and progress with someone new? His ex coming back around did you a favour. I hope you have a good life now with someone new, too, who values what you two share together.
Im a 51 year old man and i have never ever stayed in contact with an ex weather i was in a relationship or not,so naturally i would not approve of that in a partner spouse or even a girlfriend at all total dealbreaker…..sorry you had to experience this no man or woman deserves this
Matthew, thank you so much for such a deep and helpful conversation. It's possible to have only 'ethereal' relationships. They can be ex-partners who ended on good terms and have no desire to be romantically involved again. They can still love each other, but without any passion or sexual innuendo. They contact each other very rarely, once every few months, just because they wish the best for each other and their new relationships. It's hard to classify it as friendship because it's sporadic, unfrequent. But its not as they are strangers too. There can be more emotional bonds besides "lovers" and "friends" - it can be fraternal and innocent. You can avoid for a long time (even forever) to contact, but the good feelings can be there forever.
If things fall apart or they experience problems in your new relationship, they might reach out to that ex for comfort. I would be very careful if there are no children involved.
I love that you both run the full gamut. You don't go running straight to the "answer." One impression I'm getting is that y'all's perspective is gradually shifting towards a view through a "marital lens." How much expectations can you have at each phase?
It's quite literally a trap. She brings the old ex back, which I would gamble she's still attracted to and she's giving herself an out by setting a tripwire for her current partner. He has a problem with her ex "You're jealous and toxic" and either manipulates the partner to be okay with it or then breaks it off and goes back to the ex. He accepts it, she grows closer to the ex and the ex-bf undermines their relationship. It's a catch 22 for the partner.
@@RavenNest23 It’s not a catch 22 at all. No one has to die on that “proverbial” freedom hill Matthew talks about. We have to start simplifying our lives and taking care of ourselves better than that. As you can see, no one else will ever value us the way we value ourselves. It’s one of the things Matthew and Audrey have stressed in their relationship and encouraged others to do this whole time which are to set firm boundaries, not being afraid to voice what it is you want and need for your relationship to work and for your well being. It has to be that clear. I am still going through a breakup with someone I loved deeply. I still love him 😔, but I’m slowly starting to learn this.
This is an easy one: YES. Exes are exes for a reason and aside from children or finances, there is ZERO reason to continue having a relationship with an ex. If they used the word "reconnect", that's a HUGE indication that they are reviving the relationship. The word "reconnect" has different intentions than, for example, a phrase like "we had a phone call/conversation to straighten out a past-due bill".
My partner has to talk to his ex they have a son together. However, she is very disrespectful and talks really badly about me, and he doesn't stick up for me it just feels really weird, and I think she is jealous of me I don't want to bring drama. However, I'm going to always stick up for myself. I feel like it's a boundary, not really bringing the drama. I have to have my own back. I won't let anybody walk all over me it's a very challenging situation it can be really stressful. I also feel like he allows her to be in the middle of our relationship because he doesn't consider how I feel. I'm not sure how to handle this situation. I have communicated that he needs to stick up for me, and he still does not do it it makes me feel like he doesn't care about me when he doesn't stick up for me it also makes me feel like I can't trust him I want him to have my back behind my back I would appreciate any advice ❤
I'm sorry for your situation. What keeps you to be with him? Im sorry if I'm rude and direct but it's a honest question. Back in the day when I was dating. Men with children have been a no go for me. (I love children but not as an add on). Maybe you have children and for you it's a bonus. For me it was a no thanks. I didn't want the drama at all. But ok. So there's your situation. When you say to your boyfriend. "I'm fine that you have to interact with yours child's mother. But if she crosses boundaries and attacks me it's your place to put up boundaries. If you're not on my side. So why should I be next to yours." There are plenty of men who would fought to be at your side. Why settle? If he is so submissive and maybe even still loves her, you'll always be a place holder. Is that enough? I don't think so. In the end it's your life and you have to choose how to live it to the fullest.
If your partner talks to their ex again take my advice run a mile. It’s disrespectful and you’re worth more. Go and find someone where you are their world. It’s hard to find but trust me you can. No one would be happy with their partner talking to an ex( unless kids involved) it’s a no go zone and a red flag. I’m sorry but going back to a lit firework is abnormal. Life goes on so MOVE ON! No need to talk to an ex when there is no ties other than one person still has feelings for the other it’s that simple.
I once met my ex girlfriend one year or so after our break up maybe a bit longer to clear some dinal things up. I met her and her sister to which I had a great relationship at a café. Before dating it of course I talked about it with my girlfriend if she wouod be fine with it and she was. "if we don't trust each other from the beginning, its worthless even trying to be a couple" I really much respect her for her thoughts even when she personaly has no interest into meeting any of her exes. I never had bad blood with my ex relationships so it wouldn't feel right for me to just ignore them...
My theory is single child.. Absolute need for diffrent friendships vs when we have siblings. Relationship plus extended family and a few friends is often enough
My situation feels really complex and I'm not going to get into all of it but, I told her how I feel about her talking to her ex and she said "so you're making me choose" I told her I just wanted her to think about what I told her and she said there's nothing to think about because we don't think the same. Nothing is ever black and white but I really feel so lonely and I don't know whether I ruined the relationship or If it was already ruined..
Do not second guess your feelings. It felt wrong. When people care about the instar feeling is to want to not hurt the once you love. When a person doesn’t do it. Then they might not be feeling the same way about you you feel about them
That is not recommended. It is also a part of respecting your partner. Maybe sometimes it works or harmless but you don’t want to compromise that. You move on, she/he move on. Just leave it like that..
Some people reconnect with their exes so as to control either the current partner or to make their ex jealous.they indirectly make the current partner aware that they choose them cox they wanted to but not because they were not loved or out of options.so that when they ask the current partner to do something they do it without questioning;in mind that someone else will do it if they don’t even if they don’t want to do it.others just want to make their ex jealous cox maybe they left them since they didn’t change something(s) and they know it was hard for their ex to leave them cox they loved them so much.hence reverse psychology to get their ex chase them without them directly asking them to come back.people are really crazy out there.
I’ve had so many convos with Matthew AI about this. I’ve been trying to navigate a friendship with my ex but there’s no romantic feelings there anymore and we’re not interested in getting back together plus we’re long distance so I feel it’s ok since it’s not threatening and I’m not in a relationship with anyone else.
meby not for you, but what about for him/her the person that has new relationship with your ex, that person might feel diffrently about it. like matthew said in video. i also want to have a friendship with me ex, but i find hard to communicate with them. meby because its still fresh, its been 3 months now.
@@jacovanderschaaf3044id say you should definitely have a break. Some time to heal. Some time to getting used not having that person around you and living your life.... Its hard making a change from couple to platonic friendship if there never is a real break up phase....
I felt the same way and I always wished my former colleague and eX well. 7 years went by without contact. We lived over 600 miles apart. I felt it was safe to reach out professionally. A week later he started writing to me, flirting and lying to me... Distance means zero. Be clear about your intention for navigating that friendship in the first place and be prepared to re-navigate that friendSHIP.
@@more4me24 from what i understand that the world today, if you want serieus relationship you need te be in lesser then 30min drive away. Have to travel for 3-6 hours apart, is for some relationship realy hard, i can understand that you want to spend time together and if you only have the weekend. Then alot of things wante to happen on short amount of time can become stressful or overwhelming
@@jacovanderschaaf3044 They told me they were wanting to be with men now so I don’t even know if he has a new relationship or not because we don’t really talk about that.
Your exes are exes for a reason you should never talk to them again like you should never speak to ever have anything to do with your partner or your girlfriend or boyfriend's friends exes anything
i disagree. in a point, yes its true that the person broke up for reason and is now a ex to you, but being friends should be oke, to some what limeted.
@jacovanderschaaf3044 well I think if you are talking to someone that means you are in a relationship especially if you're blowing off someone else and if you want to be friends then you should have stay together in the first place.
@jacovanderschaaf3044 it's like men going off behind your back no telling where and talking to who else because you made them mad and not telling you about it and then telling everyone else they're single if you want somebody you should have stayed with them in the first place. People get hurt because of that and that's how really bad things including jealousy and legal issues happen
@marybeeler501 well i never got jealous when my ex when to a event bringing there female friend with then(my ex was girl to) Yet she was always jealous towards me even that i explaine everything to her like taking a train to early, made selfie at the train station was'nt enough, she thought i was there for reason then not have taken the train not on the correct time.
@marybeeler501 i did alot for me ex to her to accapte, i delete all my friends of instagram, Facebook, i delete snapchat of my phone, i cleaned up my whattapp. And still she did'nt trust me. There was point that, when i came to her, and she asked can i see your phone, i said oke, she was searthing if i redownloaded snapchat on my phone, And was'nt there, but she was realy thought it was. Even with al that i did she still broke up with me.
I just think communication is key. Feeling safe enough to ask or talk about experiences and how things make you feel. Just having honest conversations with each other. I know this is hard as not everyone wants or is that communicator in a relationship. perhaps that can be another subject of communication, how you deal with it etc.
I was there and he looked me in the face lied. Then was like it’s a friend then when confronted it’s an ex they were speechless and refused to shut it down by saying they didn’t want problems.
“She/he’s just a friend.” 😒 I don’t want to ever be in that situation again. I question WHY she would allow for this man back into her life. Is she looking to rekindle old feelings, etc? JD hasn’t been invited? Yeah, no! It’s all just a bad idea.
Well, you start out as friends or at least should. So you don't necessarily end the friendship, but if you are with someone that is just how it works you have to end that. Otherwise, it would be like you have unfinished business with that person. I personally think you shouldn't really seek attention from the opposite gender when you are looking to have a relationship with someone.
what rong for having friends? does it mean to you that you want to place so many walls around that person that they cant breath anymore, because your suffocating them. that also not healty in a relationship
@jacovanderschaaf3044 nothing wrong with friends but with your ex is purposely being reckless. Like I said having opposite gender friends is fine but purposely seeking them out is different. Now it just having self control over our physical emotions such as lust.
@@jacovanderschaaf3044Also it has nothing to do with walls, cause you wouldn't want your spouse to cheat would you? Is that a wall that suffocates them? If it is then they don't deserve relationships cause it is them being just reckless. Like I said having friends isn't wrong, but purposely seeking the opposite gender for friends is asking for an unhealthy relationship. For example you wouldn't want your partner to go to the strip club and ask to be friends with the guys. It is a matter of respecting the relationship you are in and knowing that it is more than just you and them. It also effects your children so if you try and tell them not do something you already did then don't expect them to listen to you. How do you keep them safe.
i set rule´s in my live that i never will be crossing because i saw what damage it could do in the relationship, from parenting ( me as child back then ) saw things i would never do or go in between them. if me ex has new boyfriend/girlfriend im happy for her/him, if they have child, even that pains me but im happy for them. i will never breakup relationship with some els that is in a relationship allready. so yes, i do want to be friend with me ex, i did setup me rules that i never going to crosse over. seeing what cheating leads to and then your are getting mixed into it is somthing i will never wanne overcome
My ex had a friend in the beginning of our relationship, and he would always say oh I was talking to my friend about this or that Finally, I said, who is this friend you've been talking to that I've never heard the name of and then he looked at me with a look of embarrassment and stammering revealed that he had been talking with. somebody he used to date for the first nine months we were together! I lost it I said that is an absolute betrayal, and he said it was his good friend, his buddy I said yeah but then you should've let me know about it. Needless to say we're not together anymore because that's how the relationship started.😂🎉
A date date while beeing together with you? Ok that definitely another topic. Im Sorry to hear that. Im not against friendship with the other sex but honesty is so important in this cases! Secrets big red flags!
I fear, JD is being played big time by that woman and, one can tell that he is deeply under her spell. I don‘t understand why the good guys always get these kind of women and, believe them when the truth is staring them in the face.
If you think your relationship is no longer working though you've been together years and you make a decision to end it but know that ye actually cam become friends and actually help each other when needed and because he knows I have no family in my life and I struggle with my mental health, and he has been a friend ?? Is this so wrong to remain friends. I think it's mature and whoever has an issue with this who comes into my life, either gets on with it, or moves on. I'm nut going to throw away 14.5 years of a friendship, just because the relationship side stopped working.
Thats sounds like the plot of Sex Life. You can be friends with anyone you like, but I don't stay with a women who wants to stay in contact with ex-lovers. You make your choice and I'll make mine. End of discussion. Two things .. She's either thinking about cheating OR She cares so little about how bad the optics of the situation looks, and she has so little concerned about her partners reaction, i.e. that he might end things with with her. Both point to how little she values him as the partner. You point out how you don't like that - You say it ONCE. Just so there's absolutely no misunderstanding, and if she continues to do it then that's your answer. remember a person who's cheats and a person who doesn't cheat is going to answer the same way. " Do you want to f*** him?" - Cheater: "no" - loyal: "no" So communicating about this is pointless, It just opens you up to manipulation . You have to watch their actions. listen out for classic manipulation tactics 1) Appeal to EGO ("I love how you are so confident and unconcerned that I hang out with Chad, you're not like my other boyfriends") 2) Anger ( she'll nags/berates you) 3) Victimhood (crying) 4) Shaming ("A 'REAL' man would not be insecure) 5) Appeal to Fairness . . .when to HER advantage ( "you have female freinds why can't i have male friends") - remember this is not about fairness. This is about protecting yourself, setting boundaries and making sure you get what you want out of life. And if that is a stable family who doesn't split up, then it behoves you to make sure that temptation is removed from her. . Because you better believe she's thinking about having this ex in her life not because of charity, but because she thinks it's an advantage to her one way or the other. BUT TO REITERATE COMMUNICATION IS POINTLESS. So don't be spewing these common manipulation tactics to her. "Aha! You did tactic (4) shaming!" because if she is manipulating you she KNOWS what she's doing and you've just made her aware that you're on to her, which will motivate her to hide her activities even better. This is also why you have to organise your life in such a way that if they stop behaving the way you like you can walk away as easily as possible to ensure that You have the best possible chance of getting what you want in life. That means not signing a marriage agreement which is massively biased against men. That means not putting your entire savings in an account that she can empty without your knowledge. That means insisting on a DNA test for every live births so you don't waste years raising the child you think is yours but is not, and waste years with a cheating woman when you could be searching out for another one who does want your child. This means if you've already got married that you make sure things are paid for 50/50, not because it's fair. but because you're making sure she accepts financial responsibility, you're setting boundaries and you're protecting yourself legally and financially in the future should she ever choose to leave. until the point where the laws benefit men then know you cannot accept the line " don't you trust me??" . when women change the laws so that the family laws, child support laws and alimony laws favour men then she can use the line; "Don't you trust me?" because you'll then know even if she does fvck-up the law's got your back. But UNTIL that point no she has to bend over backwards, to Your level of satisfaction, to prove to you that she's trustworthy.
Great video. My relationship of five years ended a month ago when the love of my life decided to move on. I loved her deeply, and I can't stop thinking about her and the memories we created together. I've done everything I can to try to bring her back, but nothing has worked. I'm feeling frustrated and can't imagine my life with anyone else. I've tried to push the thoughts away, but they keep coming back. I’m not sure why I'm sharing this here, but I really miss her and wish I could have her back.
I've been in a similar situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but I couldn't let her go. I did everything I could to win her back, including seeking the help of a spiritual advisor who guided me in bringing her back into my life. We're together again now, and I can honestly say I'm enjoying every moment.
That's amazing! How did you find a spiritual counselor, and how can I get in touch with one?
Her name is Maurice Gleti, and she is an exceptional spiritual counselor with the ability to help reunite you with your ex.
Thank you for sharing this valuable information. I just looked her up online. impressive!
You sound like you fought really hard for your relationship. Imagine how much more rewarding and beautiful it will be when you do give that love to the right one. Staying in a relationship when you are the only one working so hard to keep is a very unfulfilling relationship that will not be healthy. Many ppl stay for the wrong reason. Stay with and fight for the one that also fights for you.
I’m trying to live this example myself. I don’t want to be in a relationship like I’m an expired product. And he’s the one that piicls when it ends. I can’t live like that. Still working on my exit. Wish you well. Careful with scammers in line.
I look at my relationship the same way I view any valuables I own. For example….my car, my home, the money I earn. When I’m not in my car, I lock the doors, when I’m away from home or preparing to go to bed, I make sure the windows are shut, all doors are locked etc…My money is kept securely in a bank.
I believe, the same measures we take to protect our valuables should be just as important to protect our relationship. And I think the way to do that is by having personal standards and setting clear boundaries that wouldn’t allow someone else to enter
This comment deserves more Likes
@@ozziegillion9049 I applaud you Sir.
I really wish more people had this mindset🙏🏼
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
If your partner reconnected with their ex, then get yourself ready to become their ex.
🎯🎯🎯
I don’t agree with it… I would never cause any problems to my best friend love life.. my best friend of 6 years We’ve been romantically involved at the beginning of our friendship, but he cheated on me, at that time. But I stayed friend with him because I preferred having him in my life as friend than not having him at all. So he came to visit me for 2 weeks last year, we’ve been intimate at the moment. But when he got back home, he got in a relationship, he kept talking to me like usual til June, where he was messaging me less frequently, he did say that his girlfriend didn’t want him to talk to me anymore, he said she didn’t have any right or say on his friends…. It’s been 2 months since the last message he sent me and it wasn’t something about the fact that we shouldn’t talk anymore, it was about the 6 years of friendship we have…. He just kicked me out of his life… we live to 5 260km from each other!!! She had nothing to worry about… but I lost my best friend 😔
Yup. Happened to me.
Why reconnect?
Im still connected with my ex.
Obviously it didn't work out as a couple. But still she knows me pretty well and if there weren't sympathy we wouldn't have been a couple.
Its good to have a friend that knows you that well. Still id never consider ever trying a new couple relationship because our characters and goals in live don't match well enough....
@@BlackyRay_Patrick
The things she was doing weren’t as simple and straightforward as you portray and not everyone has that same realization and understanding as you do. She was kind of playing with fire, but she should have had more consideration for him and his feelings.
Like Matthew also said in a prior video, that’s data and that’s a lesson you’ve learned.
A lot of times we keep going back repeatedly and engage in that on again off again pattern or cycle. We hold onto that ex for certain qualities that attract us or because the sex is amazing, never mind that we aren’t compatible or that we just don’t go together.
I love how compassionate and rational you both are, not taking strong stances on either extreme, but falling in a loving and reasonable center. This tends to be how you approach issues and it's so great
Being the 'cool girl/guy' that goes along with things you don't agree with will just leave you lonely. It's good to have boundaries and communicate them. It is not okay to bring an ex back into a partnership. I love what Matthew said about not spreading your energy. I know a guy that is very flirty and calls all the women in his life gorgeous or beautiful as nicknames. It always makes me think he does it to get a little boost out of the women flirting with him and thinking he's a 'sweet guy'. I've always seen it as a 'need' on his behalf to get something back from that exchange.
If the ex is a big enough deal that you would risk your current relationship for this "friendship" with the ex, that says everything. That's the crux of the matter. YOU ARE WILLING TO RISK YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP FOR AN EX. Then that person is not an ex.
Oh there is only one reason. You know what that is. I am friends with my ex but that was from when we were dating when we were 17, decades ago. He is like my brother and has been for a long time. I was the one who encouraged him to finally put a ring on it, to his long term girlfriend. I fully support his marriage and she knows it! So believe me when I say, that is a RARE situation. Any adult relationships where someone is reconnecting with an ex means they love the attention, love the excitement, and is headed towards infidelity like a speeding train.
No, you shouldn’t be worried. You should just leave.
😂💯
I completely agree with what Audrey said about why do people feel the need to keep in touch with people that they have been previously intimately acquainted with? To me it just shows tremendous insecurity and that you desperately need that validation of the ex, that thing of showing them what they’re missing springs to mind. That means you’re living in the past so how can you possibly move forward with your life. As hard as it can be to do sometimes you really do have to cut ties if you want to find someone more compatible. This usually involves becoming secure enough to not be validated by other people romantically for a season. It will heal you like nothing else when you can learn to validate yourself. I have never kept in touch with an ex and if there’s no children involved I’m not sure why you would but that’s just my opinion.
@@bm5_5_5 validation,its pointless, life moves too fast to play games
Yes.
Trust your instincts on this one.
Doesn't matter how long you've been together. Nobody is okay with this including the person who is attempting to convince you it is so the fact that they're doing this shows a tremendous amount of insincerity and/or immaturity on their behalf.
They're asking you to become accustomed to a situation that will make you miserable. I'd even wager, they'd gaslight you if you address your concerns, making it seem like its no big deal.
If you don't listen to how you actually feel about this, you'll find your mental health slipping away.
An Ex is an Ex for a reason. Bringing them back in again is a red flag and asking for trouble in your relationship. My husband and I have a few platonic friendships with the opposite sex but we are both always welcome to come along on an afternoon out.
Trust driving a car with no brakes more than “he’s just a friend”
On a side note: keeping in touch with exes is one of the most typical traits of a narcissist. I'm not saying reconnecting with one ex makes one a narc, but beware. If it looks like a pattern, run.
Absolutely right. They still need their attention
Ultimately what’s happening is the rebuilding of an emotional connection thats a deal breaker keeping your options open means your not fully committed to your current relationship
In my opinion, if your partner has had sexual encounters with somebody in their past, them re-opening any type of connection showcases a level of disregard for your perspective and boundaries (if you're not comfortable with it). Everybody's boundaries and relationship dynamics are different, but if your partner is uncomfortable with that connection between previous lovers (which is rational to me), you're ultimately choosing between your own interests and the stabilization of the relationship. Diving into WHY you feel the need to connect with the ex or the old fling will answer your question. If there's even an ounce of lust or romance that drives that desire to reconnect, you're disrespecting your relationship IMO. And with someone you have a history with, I believe it's rare that that isn't the case.
100% Agree - keep the seX with the eX in the past.
I'm absolutely certain my ex's wife would not have appreciated him reaching out to me, especially since when he did reach out to me in 2022 he never mentioned he had remarried. After learning this, I confronted him and he said "So I didn't tell you all the details of my life..." How lovely he called his wife a detail, I'd like him to tell her that. Put that boundary in place with your partner right away... no eX.
My ex had a best friend ride or die recurring fuck buddy. Valued the fuck buddy to the point that we couldn't even visit family because a visit with her was required.Needless to say we are DONE!!!
Talking to more than one person is never okay
I used to agree with you, but after experiencing multiple failed relationships I do think speaking and dating multiple people is OK in early dating until you are exclusive/intimate with someone. You need to vet someone before committing to them, and this vetting period often lasts for months. Not focusing on a single person often will give you the distance to have a clearer view of who you are talking to.
My ex reconnected with one of his ex’s about 2 years into our relationship and helped her with some things. It wasn’t an issue. We made it 4.5 years together. I eventually left because he wasn’t progressing the relationship and I got tired of waiting. He eventually moved on to someone new, not the ex.
@Kmahersh01 - Just pondering on what you have shared. Maybe he didn't progress things with you because she was back in his life, and he was sub-consciously, or consciously, compairing you both? Maybe he realised he didn't want long-term with you, and wanted you to end things? Meaning he had to find and progress with someone new? His ex coming back around did you a favour. I hope you have a good life now with someone new, too, who values what you two share together.
Im a 51 year old man and i have never ever stayed in contact with an ex weather i was in a relationship or not,so naturally i would not approve of that in a partner spouse or even a girlfriend at all total dealbreaker…..sorry you had to experience this no man or woman deserves this
I align with everything you said. It amazes me how many people aren’t willing to make those concessions ☹️
Long answers yes! Short answer yes !
Matthew, thank you so much for such a deep and helpful conversation. It's possible to have only 'ethereal' relationships. They can be ex-partners who ended on good terms and have no desire to be romantically involved again. They can still love each other, but without any passion or sexual innuendo. They contact each other very rarely, once every few months, just because they wish the best for each other and their new relationships.
It's hard to classify it as friendship because it's sporadic, unfrequent. But its not as they are strangers too.
There can be more emotional bonds besides "lovers" and "friends" - it can be fraternal and innocent.
You can avoid for a long time (even forever) to contact, but the good feelings can be there forever.
If things fall apart or they experience problems in your new relationship, they might reach out to that ex for comfort. I would be very careful if there are no children involved.
Go. Run. Run as fast as you can.
I love that you both run the full gamut. You don't go running straight to the "answer." One impression I'm getting is that y'all's perspective is gradually shifting towards a view through a "marital lens." How much expectations can you have at each phase?
It's quite literally a trap.
She brings the old ex back, which I would gamble she's still attracted to and she's giving herself an out by setting a tripwire for her current partner.
He has a problem with her ex "You're jealous and toxic" and either manipulates the partner to be okay with it or then breaks it off and goes back to the ex.
He accepts it, she grows closer to the ex and the ex-bf undermines their relationship.
It's a catch 22 for the partner.
@@RavenNest23
It’s not a catch 22 at all. No one has to die on that “proverbial” freedom hill Matthew talks about.
We have to start simplifying our lives and taking care of ourselves better than that. As you can see, no one else will ever value us the way we value ourselves. It’s one of the things Matthew and Audrey have stressed in their relationship and encouraged others to do this whole time which are to set firm boundaries, not being afraid to voice what it is you want and need for your relationship to work and for your well being. It has to be that clear.
I am still going through a breakup with someone I loved deeply. I still love him 😔, but I’m slowly starting to learn this.
This is an easy one: YES.
Exes are exes for a reason and aside from children or finances, there is ZERO reason to continue having a relationship with an ex.
If they used the word "reconnect", that's a HUGE indication that they are reviving the relationship. The word "reconnect" has different intentions than, for example, a phrase like "we had a phone call/conversation to straighten out a past-due bill".
My partner has to talk to his ex they have a son together. However, she is very disrespectful and talks really badly about me, and he doesn't stick up for me it just feels really weird, and I think she is jealous of me I don't want to bring drama. However, I'm going to always stick up for myself. I feel like it's a boundary, not really bringing the drama. I have to have my own back. I won't let anybody walk all over me it's a very challenging situation it can be really stressful. I also feel like he allows her to be in the middle of our relationship because he doesn't consider how I feel. I'm not sure how to handle this situation. I have communicated that he needs to stick up for me, and he still does not do it it makes me feel like he doesn't care about me when he doesn't stick up for me it also makes me feel like I can't trust him I want him to have my back behind my back I would appreciate any advice ❤
I'm sorry for your situation. What keeps you to be with him? Im sorry if I'm rude and direct but it's a honest question. Back in the day when I was dating. Men with children have been a no go for me. (I love children but not as an add on). Maybe you have children and for you it's a bonus. For me it was a no thanks. I didn't want the drama at all. But ok. So there's your situation. When you say to your boyfriend. "I'm fine that you have to interact with yours child's mother. But if she crosses boundaries and attacks me it's your place to put up boundaries. If you're not on my side. So why should I be next to yours." There are plenty of men who would fought to be at your side. Why settle? If he is so submissive and maybe even still loves her, you'll always be a place holder. Is that enough? I don't think so. In the end it's your life and you have to choose how to live it to the fullest.
If your partner talks to their ex again take my advice run a mile. It’s disrespectful and you’re worth more. Go and find someone where you are their world. It’s hard to find but trust me you can. No one would be happy with their partner talking to an ex( unless kids involved) it’s a no go zone and a red flag. I’m sorry but going back to a lit firework is abnormal. Life goes on so MOVE ON! No need to talk to an ex when there is no ties other than one person still has feelings for the other it’s that simple.
I once met my ex girlfriend one year or so after our break up maybe a bit longer to clear some dinal things up.
I met her and her sister to which I had a great relationship at a café.
Before dating it of course I talked about it with my girlfriend if she wouod be fine with it and she was.
"if we don't trust each other from the beginning, its worthless even trying to be a couple"
I really much respect her for her thoughts even when she personaly has no interest into meeting any of her exes.
I never had bad blood with my ex relationships so it wouldn't feel right for me to just ignore them...
My theory is single child.. Absolute need for diffrent friendships vs when we have siblings. Relationship plus extended family and a few friends is often enough
My situation feels really complex and I'm not going to get into all of it but, I told her how I feel about her talking to her ex and she said "so you're making me choose" I told her I just wanted her to think about what I told her and she said there's nothing to think about because we don't think the same. Nothing is ever black and white but I really feel so lonely and I don't know whether I ruined the relationship or If it was already ruined..
Do not second guess your feelings. It felt wrong. When people care about the instar feeling is to want to not hurt the once you love. When a person doesn’t do it. Then they might not be feeling the same way about you you feel about them
Correct: you can talk to whoever you want. It is also ok to cheat - it is not forbidden, but every action causes consequences.
That is not recommended. It is also a part of respecting your partner.
Maybe sometimes it works or harmless but you don’t want to compromise that. You move on, she/he move on. Just leave it like that..
Some people reconnect with their exes so as to control either the current partner or to make their ex jealous.they indirectly make the current partner aware that they choose them cox they wanted to but not because they were not loved or out of options.so that when they ask the current partner to do something they do it without questioning;in mind that someone else will do it if they don’t even if they don’t want to do it.others just want to make their ex jealous cox maybe they left them since they didn’t change something(s) and they know it was hard for their ex to leave them cox they loved them so much.hence reverse psychology to get their ex chase them without them directly asking them to come back.people are really crazy out there.
Thank you both ❤this is such an important conversation to address
I’ve had so many convos with Matthew AI about this. I’ve been trying to navigate a friendship with my ex but there’s no romantic feelings there anymore and we’re not interested in getting back together plus we’re long distance so I feel it’s ok since it’s not threatening and I’m not in a relationship with anyone else.
meby not for you, but what about for him/her the person that has new relationship with your ex, that person might feel diffrently about it. like matthew said in video.
i also want to have a friendship with me ex, but i find hard to communicate with them. meby because its still fresh, its been 3 months now.
@@jacovanderschaaf3044id say you should definitely have a break. Some time to heal. Some time to getting used not having that person around you and living your life....
Its hard making a change from couple to platonic friendship if there never is a real break up phase....
I felt the same way and I always wished my former colleague and eX well. 7 years went by without contact. We lived over 600 miles apart. I felt it was safe to reach out professionally. A week later he started writing to me, flirting and lying to me... Distance means zero. Be clear about your intention for navigating that friendship in the first place and be prepared to re-navigate that friendSHIP.
@@more4me24 from what i understand that the world today, if you want serieus relationship you need te be in lesser then 30min drive away.
Have to travel for 3-6 hours apart, is for some relationship realy hard, i can understand that you want to spend time together and if you only have the weekend. Then alot of things wante to happen on short amount of time can become stressful or overwhelming
@@jacovanderschaaf3044 They told me they were wanting to be with men now so I don’t even know if he has a new relationship or not because we don’t really talk about that.
This is a great argument for no sex outside of marriage. You won't feel the connection or jealousy.
People hide things though... they cheat when they are married... it's not all that simple
I love Audrey so much. She’s so insightful!
Your exes are exes for a reason you should never talk to them again like you should never speak to ever have anything to do with your partner or your girlfriend or boyfriend's friends exes anything
i disagree. in a point, yes its true that the person broke up for reason and is now a ex to you, but being friends should be oke, to some what limeted.
@jacovanderschaaf3044 well I think if you are talking to someone that means you are in a relationship especially if you're blowing off someone else and if you want to be friends then you should have stay together in the first place.
@jacovanderschaaf3044 it's like men going off behind your back no telling where and talking to who else because you made them mad and not telling you about it and then telling everyone else they're single if you want somebody you should have stayed with them in the first place. People get hurt because of that and that's how really bad things including jealousy and legal issues happen
@marybeeler501 well i never got jealous when my ex when to a event bringing there female friend with then(my ex was girl to)
Yet she was always jealous towards me even that i explaine everything to her like taking a train to early, made selfie at the train station was'nt enough, she thought i was there for reason then not have taken the train not on the correct time.
@marybeeler501 i did alot for me ex to her to accapte, i delete all my friends of instagram, Facebook, i delete snapchat of my phone, i cleaned up my whattapp.
And still she did'nt trust me.
There was point that, when i came to her, and she asked can i see your phone, i said oke, she was searthing if i redownloaded snapchat on my phone,
And was'nt there, but she was realy thought it was.
Even with al that i did she still broke up with me.
I just think communication is key. Feeling safe enough to ask or talk about experiences and how things make you feel. Just having honest conversations with each other. I know this is hard as not everyone wants or is that communicator in a relationship.
perhaps that can be another subject of communication, how you deal with it etc.
I was there and he looked me in the face lied. Then was like it’s a friend then when confronted it’s an ex they were speechless and refused to shut it down by saying they didn’t want problems.
“She/he’s just a friend.” 😒 I don’t want to ever be in that situation again. I question WHY she would allow for this man back into her life. Is she looking to rekindle old feelings, etc? JD hasn’t been invited? Yeah, no! It’s all just a bad idea.
Mathew is da greatest forc advocator 😅
Why would you want to be friends with someone if you have someone I don't understand it
Well, you start out as friends or at least should. So you don't necessarily end the friendship, but if you are with someone that is just how it works you have to end that. Otherwise, it would be like you have unfinished business with that person. I personally think you shouldn't really seek attention from the opposite gender when you are looking to have a relationship with someone.
what rong for having friends? does it mean to you that you want to place so many walls around that person that they cant breath anymore, because your suffocating them. that also not healty in a relationship
@jacovanderschaaf3044 nothing wrong with friends but with your ex is purposely being reckless. Like I said having opposite gender friends is fine but purposely seeking them out is different. Now it just having self control over our physical emotions such as lust.
@@jacovanderschaaf3044Also it has nothing to do with walls, cause you wouldn't want your spouse to cheat would you? Is that a wall that suffocates them? If it is then they don't deserve relationships cause it is them being just reckless. Like I said having friends isn't wrong, but purposely seeking the opposite gender for friends is asking for an unhealthy relationship. For example you wouldn't want your partner to go to the strip club and ask to be friends with the guys. It is a matter of respecting the relationship you are in and knowing that it is more than just you and them. It also effects your children so if you try and tell them not do something you already did then don't expect them to listen to you. How do you keep them safe.
i set rule´s in my live that i never will be crossing because i saw what damage it could do in the relationship, from parenting ( me as child back then ) saw things i would never do or go in between them.
if me ex has new boyfriend/girlfriend im happy for her/him, if they have child, even that pains me but im happy for them.
i will never breakup relationship with some els that is in a relationship allready.
so yes, i do want to be friend with me ex, i did setup me rules that i never going to crosse over.
seeing what cheating leads to and then your are getting mixed into it is somthing i will never wanne overcome
My ex had a friend in the beginning of our relationship, and he would always say oh I was talking to my friend about this or that Finally, I said, who is this friend you've been talking to that I've never heard the name of and then he looked at me with a look of embarrassment and stammering revealed that he had been talking with. somebody he used to date for the first nine months we were together!
I lost it I said that is an absolute betrayal, and he said it was his good friend, his buddy I said yeah but then you should've let me know about it. Needless to say we're not together anymore because that's how the relationship started.😂🎉
A date date while beeing together with you? Ok that definitely another topic. Im Sorry to hear that.
Im not against friendship with the other sex but honesty is so important in this cases! Secrets big red flags!
The old saying: You lose 'em where you found 'em...
If you care so much about reconnecting with an ex then go with an ex. If you cant leave the past in the past dont start a future.
It was me who ended and he has always adored me :(
Vm1 vm3
I fear, JD is being played big time by that woman and, one can tell that he is deeply under her spell. I don‘t understand why the good guys always get these kind of women and, believe them when the truth is staring them in the face.
The same reason good women always get the bad guys..
Mine is going every week for coffee, she is his best friend and guess what ,i am never invited.
If you think your relationship is no longer working though you've been together years and you make a decision to end it but know that ye actually cam become friends and actually help each other when needed and because he knows I have no family in my life and I struggle with my mental health, and he has been a friend ?? Is this so wrong to remain friends. I think it's mature and whoever has an issue with this who comes into my life, either gets on with it, or moves on. I'm nut going to throw away 14.5 years of a friendship, just because the relationship side stopped working.
Yes and yes ✌🏾🤷🏿♀️
It sounds like she likes the attention of them all
❤❤
Yep
I am a single person and i want to hook up with my ex i will ita just fwb
that does'nt seems to be oke, that means you want to go back in relationship with him/her then letting go
No i dont want him back :(
What if he's not single now?
First
Thats sounds like the plot of Sex Life.
You can be friends with anyone you like, but I don't stay with a women who wants to stay in contact with ex-lovers.
You make your choice and I'll make mine. End of discussion.
Two things ..
She's either thinking about cheating
OR
She cares so little about how bad the optics of the situation looks, and she has so little concerned about her partners reaction, i.e. that he might end things with with her.
Both point to how little she values him as the partner.
You point out how you don't like that - You say it ONCE. Just so there's absolutely no misunderstanding, and if she continues to do it then that's your answer.
remember a person who's cheats and a person who doesn't cheat is going to answer the same way. " Do you want to f*** him?"
- Cheater: "no"
- loyal: "no"
So communicating about this is pointless, It just opens you up to manipulation . You have to watch their actions.
listen out for classic manipulation tactics
1) Appeal to EGO ("I love how you are so confident and unconcerned that I hang out with Chad, you're not like my other boyfriends")
2) Anger ( she'll nags/berates you)
3) Victimhood (crying)
4) Shaming ("A 'REAL' man would not be insecure)
5) Appeal to Fairness . . .when to HER advantage ( "you have female freinds why can't i have male friends") - remember this is not about fairness. This is about protecting yourself, setting boundaries and making sure you get what you want out of life. And if that is a stable family who doesn't split up, then it behoves you to make sure that temptation is removed from her. . Because you better believe she's thinking about having this ex in her life not because of charity, but because she thinks it's an advantage to her one way or the other.
BUT TO REITERATE COMMUNICATION IS POINTLESS. So don't be spewing these common manipulation tactics to her. "Aha! You did tactic (4) shaming!" because if she is manipulating you she KNOWS what she's doing and you've just made her aware that you're on to her, which will motivate her to hide her activities even better.
This is also why you have to organise your life in such a way that if they stop behaving the way you like you can walk away as easily as possible to ensure that You have the best possible chance of getting what you want in life.
That means not signing a marriage agreement which is massively biased against men.
That means not putting your entire savings in an account that she can empty without your knowledge.
That means insisting on a DNA test for every live births so you don't waste years raising the child you think is yours but is not, and waste years with a cheating woman when you could be searching out for another one who does want your child.
This means if you've already got married that you make sure things are paid for 50/50, not because it's fair. but because you're making sure she accepts financial responsibility, you're setting boundaries and you're protecting yourself legally and financially in the future should she ever choose to leave.
until the point where the laws benefit men then know you cannot accept the line " don't you trust me??" .
when women change the laws so that the family laws, child support laws and alimony laws favour men then she can use the line; "Don't you trust me?" because you'll then know even if she does fvck-up the law's got your back. But UNTIL that point no she has to bend over backwards, to Your level of satisfaction, to prove to you that she's trustworthy.