talk to someone you can trust, perhaps outside of the family or at school/work. try getting in contact with a professional you feel can hear you out in a way you feel comfortable with. and remember they (your parents and their behavior), not you, are the problem here. you are valid!@@liv8509
Fr. I thought most of my life I had a perfectly fine and normal upbringing until the isolation of covid hit and anxiety blindsided me, and I had to look inward to figure out why.
Interesting. Parenting is beyond exhausting... No one tells you the truth, but they all push for you to have kids, and then when you have them, all of your flaws are on full display for them to judge you. I raised terrific children (6 of them), but it broke me mentally and physically. Giving every piece of myself to ensure they were well-adjusted, happy, and thriving is unknowable exhaustion.
The part left out of this, is the part where the mother then feels attacked for the daughter having attempted to explain how that hurts and then spends 20 minutes yelling at them more. This then leads to a whole anxiety/panic attack meltdown and they then say its an over reaction. This video summarizes basically my entire childhood, and it has left me with so much mental and emotion trauma that will never get addressed nor resolved... however seeing things like that helps me feel valid.. like it was never me who was the problem.. so thank you.
Oh my gosh yes that’s me too. Bringing anything up just makes me feel like it’s all in my head. Nothing gets dealt with & they feel guilty because they weren’t “perfect parents” but that’s not what I’m saying. But then they shut down and don’t let me explain, leaving me feeling even more frustrated and shut down. I think we all have up years ago. But then it all came out on Christmas Day, when you can only play the “perfect family” for a certain amount of hours. I basically got told that I am the problem because they all get along fine. They don’t even notice their dysfunction or that they are making me feel silenced. Or that everyone else in the world communicates the way that I do and I’m not actually the weird one 😔 I have just learnt to bottle and then explode. Trying to communicate with them has proven futile over and over. They don’t want to change and I need to be ok with that. It was the psychologist who eventually made me see how toxic things were. I blamed myself for years. They just don’t have the toolkit to know what to do with a highly sensitive creative person who has high functioning adhd (I’ve learnt how to set alarms & work on things without medication) and likes to communicate well. They prefer to just shut everything off & keep “getting on” with life.. even though it’s actually not good coping skills/emotional regulation. Argh
Same. Youre not alone, finally started going to therapy at 27. I buried it down and its like going through it all over again, but its helping…slowly. Best of luck to you, dont ever stop fighting!
@@jakeandallissawomack1898Everything is not narcissistic. It's a parent that was denied access to their parents and learned it was natural.... Only to hear their children say it's trauma is hard to uproot not because you don't love the child but because you have never accepted your upbringing as painful. The key is to be the emotional parent to your children you wanted from your parents AND that is serious work most fail to do BUT every day baby steps are better than none.
UGH. I will let people crap all over me and I feel like that’s just my purpose; to be empty while constantly filling everyone else’s cup. Thanks to my emotionally absent while somehow super emotional mother.
Literally. I remember when I was a kid and more hopeful my mom would always have severe mental breakdowns to me and tell me all about her worries and depression, and because I wanted to have an actual connection and better relationship with her, I would always give her advice and have to give her counseling like an adult and one day she told me "wow you're like my personal therapist", I was 7. The other day I tried once again to "open up" and told her that I didn't like one of my classes today, and she straight up just said "okay?? why are you telling me that? why would I care?" 😐😐...
I never got hugs from my mom. The only time hugs were warranted is when she asked for them. She made me kiss her cheek one time after I had my tonsils removed. My dad got mad cause I could get sick or get her sick and then it just never happened again.
Normalization of wretched human behavior is the worst!!! Emotional abuse and neglect are still valid💔 Heal yourself and let go of people that get in the way of your healing… Even yourself. It hurts so bad that ppl don’t want to act right towards others even though children never asked to be born.
BINGO! That's the real-life version of this conversation, in a nutshell. it starts, continues, and ends with mom talking about what a great mom she is (or, in my case, regurgitating how it's so hard to be a single mother and she's doing her best, so really she's the victim here and why are you complaining again? You should soothe ME now, child)!
Just really confused about it. My parents aren’t bad people but I’m struggling to figure out what’s wrong with me and they’re probably really burnt out and similar to me, but during Covid all they did was kick me on the ground when I was hurting and trying to help us as a family they just kicked me and beat me up and rejected me to the point where I could understand why people killed himself and that really worked. Woke me up to something I didn’t realize they’re all like that. There’s a lot whether they know it or not and unfortunately probably and meet you a lot or being not in touch with yourself a lot of inability to deal a lot of narcissism, triangulation and gaslighting and yet they would do anything for you so it gets very confusing even saying this, so it makes me feel even crazier I just don’t understand why I don’t exist and I feel crazy and I don’t know how to trust myself and it gets worse because I also have ADD and OCD and now I’m bipolar so I’m just really fuck right now like I really feel sad and I’m just lucky I don’t have energy to do something I won’t say
I had this mom. Learned to be very independent and self-sufficient, but became desperately anxious and lonely and depressed. Still working through how to feel emotions because I've shut them out for so long. Being vulnerable and being dismissed instead of comforted in response felt far worse than whatever I was initially feeling. This is probably why I turned to poetry, so I could express my emotions without them being directly criticized.
I kinda went the other way with it, I never feel lonely and never have (at least to my recollection) It has made me independent but also sometimes it leaves me feeling like there’s something wrong with me, for feeling like this. Like why don’t I miss my friends or why am I fine to not talk to anyone for days on end when they really miss and want to talk to me? It makes me feel like an asshole tbh. I do think it’s really nice that you turned your feelings into something beautiful with your poetry and I hope writing it brings you and others who read it some peace.
I also turned to writing at a very early age. I wrote almost obsessively, never really connected that this may have been the reason. It gave me a voice when nobody would listen.
I can so relate. My mother never interacted with us in a positive way, touched or hugged us or told us she cared or loved us. Having emotionally absent & abusive parents really changes you as a person.
I feel your pain. I was raised by my dad who didn’t even know I existed unless I got in trouble. I was never told he ever loved me or any kind of hug 🫂 or anything. And mom wasn’t around either left when I was 8 so I basically raised myself and at 43 yrs of age now watching this vid makes me so emotional and coincidence it’s my Dads bday tomorrow and I don’t talk to my family anymore. I decided enough was enough of me searching for everyone’s love and always being the one who tried. Gosh 😢 I can’t believe I would see this vid right now and still have so much pain bottled up. Bless you all who went through the same❤️
@@gdsd80I hope you are in a better place now and finding that love the you deserve I could feel your pain while reading this it hit me pretty hard because sadly I can relate and I know the emotions you’re feeling. I can tell you deserved so much better. We are all out here scarred but still living and still moving forward. I’ve decided to learn from the mistakes of others and if I do decide to have kids I will do all I can to keep them from ever feeling what I have felt. No one should have to go through this shit .
My mother and father were the same way mostly my mother . It very sad feeling unloved . 😢 and now im married to a toxic unemotionally husband that dont give a rats ass about my feelings😢😢
And don't forget the fact that these parents often expect their child's unconditional support and love whenever they have emotional outbursts. And they will lose it on occassion after keeping it bottled up. But it is NEVER reciprocated during the child's time of need.
Wow... I remember when my mom was diagnosed with depression and the whole family was taught what it was and how to help her and I remember as a kid I was like "Well what about me? I'm hurting too" Empty promises of help, and sweeping all the problems under the rug.
I had that problem when my daughter was young. I was a special ed teacher, and the kids at school needed SO. MUCH. from me that by the time I got home, I was spent. I knew it wasn’t fair, so I did everything I could to connect with her, but I know I wasn’t perfect.
That was my husband. I married him cuz he was so much fun to be around. But after marriage, he ignored me. I felt I had made a big mistake in marrying him. There's a great guy named Jonathon Aslay who makes videos about how to know if someone would be a good match for you.
My first child is currently a year and a half. It occurred to me a few weeks ago that he entertains himself pretty well. This week he kept getting really upset because I basically ignore him to be on my phone. Unless I’m taking him to stop doing something… I was dealing with, issue, but still, I had to actively work my brain to just put my phone down and be present while with him. Even just sitting together really seems to bring out so much joy in him. I’m so glad I realize this now, while he’s still a toddler. Now I’m seeing this video the next day!! God is good: there’s no way this is a coincidence!
I’m glad to see that it’s some thing you’re becoming aware of. And I hope it stays that way. Otherwise you can expect to not have any closeness to your child as they get older, and then you’ll probably wonder why they don’t talk to you
Yes chic...get off your phone...put the thing away for 4 hours...and go out into town or the park..with your child...I am 46 and I had my kids at 18&24...I didn't have a mobile...just do it...tell you friends/family...the phones off...have fun!❤
This is so true what the mum says " I provide a roof over your head and you have a warm bed". Yep I was told that all the time. I have not a single memory of being hugged by my mum or any kind of interaction physical or emotional interaction except when being told what to do
Two days ago I was literally told how loved I was because I was taken formal shopping for school dances. I'm 56. The generation before us had different awareness. They'd come out of a traumatizing war. Trauma isn't new. No one comes into this world knowing all of this. The generations before our parents were much colder. Think plow the field and milk the cows and fall into bed exhausted at nine years old colder. We forget how much easier survival is now. For my mom and dad who were 1 pair of wrong sized shoes poor as children having the means, time and desire to do that one thing with me was a HUGE mental victory for them. Did I need more? Of course. Did they have it to give? Unfortunately they did not know how. It wasn't their fault they didn't know how any more than it not being my fault that I needed it. Life is often more cruel than this social media generation understands. Ought we aspire to be and provide the best, of course. And its excellent to introspect and heal our pain, feed our inner parts. But its also important to see when a dis. Abled person gave the best they knew how. Forgiveness and awareness ought to be part of our healing journey. Forgiveness doesn't mean approval. It means letting go of the belief that we are defined or limited by those experiences and releasing those people and circumstances from being bound to our future story. Holding the pain, anger, disappointment can be a valuable currency for other unhealthy experiences. Best to release, forgive and do better on our walk with the gift of understanding they never had. All the best to you all out there and may you have great joy in this life.
@@caroli216if every previous generation can claim having a more difficult situation growing up than the next there is no reason to reflect or try to find out what the proper way to raise children is. It’s hard to imagine a situation in human advancement where the time before the advancement was not harder. It’s one thing to say there is no manual for raising kids (words from my own mother) and then another thing to enter adulthood with no idea how to look after yourself because nobody bothered to see if you know to look after yourself. I mean that’s how it seems from my perspective.
@@user-mg4jf8we3p I'm pretty sure you and I are saying the same thing, that reflection and trying to find out what the proper way to raise children is. "Ought we aspire to be and provide the best, of course. And its excellent to introspect and heal our pain, feed our inner parts." I'm just adding that releasing the hurt from our past is essential for our own healing, at least that's my experience. It's one thing that we were let down, it's another thing when we continue to let ourselves down going forward after reflecting. That's where forgiveness sets us free to love and look after ourselves fully. "But its also important to see when a dis. Abled person gave the best they knew how. Forgiveness and awareness ought to be part of our healing journey. Forgiveness doesn't mean approval. It means letting go of the belief that we are defined or limited by those experiences and releasing those people and circumstances from being bound to our future story. " And as we forgive and release the cords tying us to the past we become more able to love our children, and all the people around us, from our best place. I just think forgiveness helps the forgiver.
Feel it too, though later on idk what happened to my mom she kinda just changed and started to spend time with me by going on small trips every weekend
You also learn to be a MASSIVE people pleaser, because you crave those moments of "I'm proud of you" and have learned that that moment isn't just given, it's earned
also, when you find someone who says things like that and treats you well you can get attached, because youre not used to people being like that. i think it could make it easier to be manipulated that way too.
Kids literally just want your love and attention and they give back so much more. Its so simple and they are like pure joy and sweetness in a little person, what a blessing children are. Just being around children is so beautiful and special all children. Im only an aunt but I know they are indeed Gods greatest gift.
I remember crying to my mom bc I didn’t have any friends and she told me I had to be friendly to make friends but she never gave me the skills to be close to anyone. I still struggle keeping connections going.
@@Mystika777The absence of those things is a criminal offense that ideally should be punished by law, that's the point. A parent who refuses to provide food and shelter doesn't have the legal right to be a parent. Doing the bare minimum required of you by national law doesn't absolve parents of wrongdoings. You are comparing abuse to even worse abuse.
@@Mystika777like kindness is free? Sure some parents struggle to provide but holding that over a child's head is abuse, which is the point here. My family lived in a tent at a campground for awhile when I was a toddler. I get it. Just because we eventually had a house doesn't mean my mother's physical, emotional and verbal abuse was like okay...
@@whitelutik Yes true, it's the adult.. but"mirroring"is when the mom holds space by acknowledging your emotions by holding space, mimicking in a sense(empathy). It starts as little babies, the mom looking into the eyes of the baby, cooing etc, look up mirroring. Common in Nature w bby-child & mom. When the mom is absent, the child will become detached, lonely, depressed, isolated, have trouble expressing or even feeling their own emotions.. on & on. Neglect is powerful.. as far as the abuse though yes of course, none of this is because of the child, it's all the parent that should've sought therapy before deciding to procreate.
The best part is when they flip that around when you get older and expect you to know how to bring your problems to them even though all you’ve learned is that that results in them scolding you, or yelling you, or throwing a mug at your head
This! Having issues with my 83 year old mom now begging us kids to talk to her more often after a lifetime of ridicule and emotional abuse. Ummm no thank you!!
This is why after growing up like this, I literally remind myself to not point out their wrong doings during moments when I can be connecting with them. Its so easy to nitpick as a parent but thats so harmful to kids. Leave correction for specific times and just focus on building the trust and comfort as a priority!
Literally my mom!! She’s always complaining about how I don’t talk to her or tell her anything but it’s like we never talked before? The only thing I heard from you was criticism and ridicule growing up, why would I wanna talk to you now?
Totally my dad when I told him I had made the decision of getting divorced. He kept screaming that he had given "counseling" to many church couples and asking/demanding why I never went to him for advice. I said "because you never judged and screamed at those couples but you are starting to scream at me right now. I am an adult and make my own informed decisions. I came here to inform you of my divorce".
Even worse: when the emotionally absent mother *does* come ask how you are, but then walks away without another word when you say anything other than that you’re fine.
my narc/emotionally absent mom is weirdly the opposite. if im "fine" she walks away and has no interest in what i'm doing or will criticize me. but if there's drama or something going on suddenly she wants to not only know, but take over and try to fix it as if its her own problem. as a kid i got used to mostly only receiving attention when i was injured, bullied, sick, or upset. as well as hiding everything i was actually interested in or that made me genuinely happy from my mom out of fear she would criticize it or me for liking it.
I will not be rewarding my mother with children. She would tell my ex to "convince me" to want kids when I'd leave the room. She pressured my sister into having a baby with my brother in law and has been absent from my niece's life except when she babysits, during which she quickly becomes overwhelmed and distant with her. And now she's pressuring my sister to have another. What the fuck is her reasoning
That’s why we need to break generational trauma. The whole system needs to be overhauled. No child or future children need to be left behind. They grow into adults and for most, eventually have children of our own. We need balance and support, a positive community. Some of us suffer more than others, and we need to be there for everyone the best way we can. We need to break cycles and it begins at home and within our government systems. We all cannot do it alone. We have work to do! 💜
That's the unfortunate part about this whole thing but you can still fight another day! Don't let them take you down. They've already settled into their ways..you have so much more to live for than to be someone's emotional slave.❤❤❤❤
You can say that and I know they say: jeah but your parents are from another generation they did their best and have their trauma. Well, I have my traumatic stuff and I'm not perfect but I'm still respectful, soft hearted and not dismissive.
I think it is a Both/And kind of thing… we can be utterly devastated by our upbringing, and our caregivers may well be the reason~ Yet they themselves would have been somehow wounded or poorly raised in their own right, or they would not have abused or neglected their children as they have. It’s an unhappy lineage, isn’t it? And yet, we can begin to change that our very selves, in the way that we parent our children… and re-parent ourselves… and in the ways that we do our work and teach or care for others. Once we successfully trace back to the root of the problem, we might benefit from remaining there just long enough to work through our understanding, and then to let go of the blame. Then we can fully move forward without anger or shame tying us to the past. With an inventory of our skills, dreams and intentions, we can meet ourselves where we are, and let our potential take us forward, while enriched and humbled by the stories that show us the arc of human experience. Forgive my waxing poetic though~ there appears to be a disseminating moon above me 😎.
It’s really not hard to give someone a hug and ask how they are. It’s not hard to genuinely care about someone. If that’s something that you have to learn, you should have never had kids to begin with. Completely selfish, there is no excuse. I used to make excuses until I reached the age that they were and realised I wouldn’t even treat my DOG like that, let alone a child
This really hits home for me. I’ve been in school for the last few years and I’m finally about to graduate nursing school and I feel like I haven’t been able to give my son the attention I know he needed throughout this time. He’s still young, he’s only 4, but I feel so guilty about not always being emotionally available. I can’t wait to graduate this month so I can have more present time with him! This is a reminder to everyone that you can also be unavailable WITHOUT having the beliefs that you only have to provide a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. Some of us are actually busy but really want to try our best to be present ❤
Same. I’m a single mum and have my kids full time with no family close by. I’m always busy trying to keep up on top of things and then I’m emotionally exhausted when I’m not. It’s hard sometimes and my parents weren’t the most emotionally available parents either at least I occasionally sit down and do crafts and things with my kids. As a kid I was left alone a lot.
If I might suggest, take your son for walks. Don’t make anything special about it. It’s a relaxing way to just chat. Sometimes there will be something important and other times it’s just about a caterpillar crossing the sidewalk. It’s a good time to just listen where there’s no pressure to create anything, be anything or do anything. Just a nice walk at least once a week. Maybe every Saturday or Sunday morning followed by breakfast.
I remember thinking it was so weird that other kids' parents would actually listen to them and want to know what they're thinking and feeling without judgement 😆 It was a foreign concept to me. I'm so grateful that this information is widely acceptable now and our generation has the unprecedented opportunity for mass healing. It truly is amazing. We can be free and whole in a way previous generations couldn't ❤
Also just like... Doing things for them when they're both there. Every time I went to someone elses home and their parents offered to do something for me or gave me a snack themselves I broke a little inside
@@aff77141even as an adult, when my newer friends or any of my friends’ parents offer me something, even as a guest, even if I would enjoy it, I just kind of automatically frantically backpedal into extreme polite refusals because I don’t know how to accept.
Exactly-especially if you're in any way out of their (aka general wasp american) norm. Lgbtq, different beliefs than theirs, alternative style, not an academic mastermind, not interested in high paying jobs--they'll slowly say 'well, that's okay I *guess*' and the undertone is always clear that they mean for /other/ people, but not you
My exact experience with my mother. I left home when I was 14. I'm 57 and still struggle with anxiety and depression. The impact that has on you is difficult to recover from no matter how consciously you try.
This absolutely resonates with me. My mother was also emotionally and verbally abusive. I’m so thankful I’ve learned from her what not to do with my children. I’m not perfect, but I’m working to be a good parent for my daughters. Work in progress.
The saddest part is when you try to connect with them and ask them about their day and how much you love them but they just seem to be annoyed and waiting for your interaction with them is over.
"if they would understand that easily, the problems would have not arisen in the first place. " I heard it in a "school of life" video. I always think about it, when scene like you describe happen.
I was this parent, but I realized it's because I'm Autistic and never should have reproduced in the first place. Had I had a proper upbringing and better sex education, maybe that would have helped. EDIT: If y'all don't stop assuming shit, I stg. My adult children and I are on good terms now. They've understood and accepted my apologies and that I am autistic and was used and abused by the sperm donors they call their dad. Kindly eat rocks.
@@m00nAlways0nMe"and never should have reproduced" i really hope you worded that wrong. otherwise that's... pretty heartbreaking. not for you, but for your kid.
I remember when I was a kid and when my parents would talk to me I would wonder what was wrong and feel uncomfortable (especially if they were being nice). It felt like when a CEO visits your shitty retail business location and tries to act like a friend.
@@lindboknifeandtooli felt this in my soul escpecially bc i was at camp w/ my family and friends cause we just escaped smth else AND ALL OF A SUDDEN IT STARTS RAINING AND A BIG ASS WAVE HITS US ALL LIKE WHAT THE HECK IS GOING OONNNNN (im sorry for ranting its just *sigh* *that thing* was crazy and scary as hell ngl. I was just barely 3 btw if that helps put anything into perspective)
I can hard relate to walking on eggshells because your parents constantly move the goal posts. My mother refused to ever admit that she was wrong or didn't know something and was constantly gaslighting me (I never said that, you're remembering it wrong, why would I lie?). It's makes it so stressful as an adult to trust people or even your own instincts. Like even actually at work I'll be low key wondering if I'm doing well or if I'm being secretly set up to fail.
So many parents today too while sitting on phones probably watching these videos completely oblivious that they're engaged in this behavior...making this sadder. Just heard a teen girl in a store tell her friend that she can't tell her mom anything because all she does when home is stare at her phone. "She makes me feel invisible" she said. Definitely has me checking my own behavior as a parent 😢
Good point. I am guilty of this when my kids chatter away when I am in the middle of doing something on my phone, it's so easy to ignore them while staring at a screen. I am trying to make a conscious effort to give them eye contact or if I have missed what they say I ask them to repeat it and apologize to them.
@@blondegiraffe2023Good on you for realizing it and making changes. My husband and I are in the same boat, trying to engage less in phones or the TV when our son is awake. It can be so hard some days though.
Boy, does this ever hit the nail on the head. When my emotional absent mother died, not one of her four children shed a single tear. What a legacy to leave behind.
@@Beatz_by_Tp_the_donoh bloody hell, quit being so sour just because mommy never showed you the attention you needed as a kid and genuinely consider therapy
This is how I was raised.....it's also how I started raising my kids. Literally heard my mom fall out of my mouth and knew things had to change. I make it a point to ask how my kids days are, give them advice when they ask for it. I do try very hard to connect with them. My kids are a blessing to me, and I never want to mistreat my blessings. They deserve an emotional connection as much as I did, so it's a must to make sure that connection is there.
Can I ask a very personal question? I don't have kids out of fear of turning into mother. Is there ever a part of you that ever feels or thinks that it's unfair that your kids are getting what you didn't?? Not in anyway that's bad or towards your kids just as a general thought?
@@alyseh9539I almost feel like it could be healing in a way to see your kids blossom in ways you weren't allowed to. Coming from someone who also doesn't have kids lol.
Thank you for having this awareness and changing for the betterment of your children. What seems like such a small thing is a HUGE foundation for their growth and well being💜
@@alyseh9539People are aware of that feeling,which is a kind of jealousy from childhood deprivation. Just see it for what is is, that it's a reaction to the presence of children, it's going to remind you of the hat you didn't get. As long as you understand that the cycle ends with you, you'll be fine. Children are designed to need their parents for a certain number of years, and this can be triggering. It's wise that you can actually admit to, and know WHAT you are feeling. It's a good sign, such self- honesty. If this affects how you interact with the kids,that's another story. It means you have unresolved trauma,and need therapy for it.
This. I had a miscarriage at 23 weeks gestation and haven’t told my mom about it to this day. Literally the hardest thing I’ve been through in my life but I figured it wasn’t even worth mentioning to her, she’s never been emotionally supportive.
I’m grateful for everything my parents did for me. They kept me clothed and fed for 18 years. Whatever emotional support they didn’t provide is irrelevant. They did the best they could at the time and all is forgiven.
@@KAY.BEE1If a person is calling out bad parenting or abuse, that's not being " judgemental." Black parents insist on the free pass being an abusive parent, simply because it's a tradition, and the mistaken belief that only White parents are loving to their children, or never beat them. Small wonder that America has the highest rates of child abuse among Western countries !! And the prisons are full of formerly abused children,who grew up. Even in Africa and the Caribbean this also true.
I felt gut punched by the reality of this video... because it was my experience. I am the youngest of seven children. But even if it was just me, I still think my Mom would have been the same way. She suffered her own trauma. How could she give to me what she couldn't give herself? I'm still healing and ALLOWING all those bottled up feelings to have a voice. I LOVE ME as a child NOW. I am very aware and loving with my child... Even when I mess up with her, I apologize and we talk about our feelings. I don't ever want her to feel invisible. And I want to show that parents are still people learning about themselves and growing, just like her. Therapy has helped me years ago. And now channels like this are AMAZING TOOLS to help me understand things EVEN MORE! I FEEL SO SEEN!♥️♥️♥️ Love to all those having the courage to tackle inner work...YES-YOU ARE AMAZING!🥰
This hit me too hard. These are the words that I've never been able to come up with to describe my childhood and why I'm an adult with a ridiculous need to be seen and acknowledged.
I feel you so, so hard. I grew up and realized 'oh shit', a while ago. I'm missing pieces and trying to learn things from childhood I didn’t even know existed. Keep going and be your own parent. Give yourself everything you need inside and out.
Oh man this made me cry. This 1000% my relationship with my father. I am now in my mid-30's with no friends & I literally do not understand how to connect with people. Thank you for putting this into the world.
Remember as a kid what you liked to do? What helped me was to find groups that did those things. Take art classes, hiking groups, swim aerobics. Go to a story telling group and learn how to tell stories. I ended up telling stories in front of 400 people.
Same here. I suck at all relationships. Therapy hasn't worked yet. I struggle to connect with my son. I have no idea how he's more confident and social then me. I must have accidentally not messed him up as much as me.
This is exactly what I wanna send to my parents but I know they’ll get mad if I try to bring this up to them. We had a convo about this yesterday when my sis got yelled at for bad grades and she broke down because she knows and she’s disappointed in herself. But when I tried asking my parents to be less critical and instead try to provide comfort and help rather than direct solutions to the problem, they just started bringing up how we never ask them how their day was and we should be grateful for the things we have (in which I am very grateful and I over-repeat myself saying thank you with any minor thing they give me or allow me to do).
I am a 50 year old woman and you've just thrown my childhood in my face. Mom's gone now but this validates a lot of things I've been thinking about these last few years. Thank you!!
Sista far sure she is a War child, or grew up straight after WW II. Absolutely same here to many Germans. 🙄 I showed my Adoptive Mom how to hug with 28. She was easy 60 something back then. At least her Daughter got a hug the next day. My Sis never dared to ask before. 😢
The same for me. I'm 57. My Mum died last year and I realized I didn't really know her that well. She was evacuated as a child during the war and had a hard time. It affected her confidence around people. I just don't think she was good at expressing her emotions. It's like she was in the house when she was alive but not actually present with me. I envy girls today who have great relationships with their Mums.
Same, but I'm 37 and my mom is still upright. Just as unaccountable and absent as ever....it's a shame. No grandma for my daughter or great grandma for my grandson.
This is a good explanation! How people were mostly raised was being dismissive/ignorant and judgmental about their own child’s feelings. They never really raised us up until now very well without us bottling our feelings, and Parents usually don’t raise with transparency of feelings. And those raised under those like that struggled with Empathy, Sympathy and being Compassionate. And parents usually aren’t really all that ready to learn the faults and holes in their parenting, and being reliable for emotional insights. This also leads the child to rely on those they trust more ((Like friends or other adults)) for the love, affection, and validation aswell. Some also learn to become emotionally and physically detached from people like not being all that physically affectionate with people and Empathetic as in having the difficulty with relating or with trying to comfort a person. The parents can be judgemental towards their kids explaining a situation that is distressing them. They can tend to emotionally neglect their child in such a way they cause a sort of smaller traumatic type of things that can build up overtime and sometimes cause them to develop mental conditions. Also relatable quote; “EEESNV”-?? Emotional Sympathy?(I’ll edit it when I remember it), Emotional Neglect and Emotional validation. The constant reminder “ES”. The consistent experience “EN” and the lack of “”EV”
I was born in the 70s gen X. My boomer mom came up to me and actually said these things to me and said it’s because her father/mom never gave her that attention and it just feels weird and uncomfortable for her. I was only like 7 or 8 but we had a long discussion about it and idk why but it made me feel good. It was my first “adult” convo with my mom.😅 in the end her point was “I love you so much and would do anything for you” even if I do not physically show you all the time. It just helped is all I’m trying to say for parents who may struggle with this…
See that’s wonderful.. it’s important to communicate, take accountability, and be honest with someone no matter their age. Like you said, you appreciated that “grown up/ real talk” kind of conversation. you learned that her boundaries weren’t a punishment or caused by something you did. you also learned that everyone has a different way of showing love! thank you for sharing!
Heck yeah! This kinda thing is really harmful because of the uncertainty it creates; if your mom told you directly that she had a hard time with those interactions but made sure you knew for certain how much she cared about you and how you felt, then she still did the job - she just used different tools. 🥺 My mom did some substitutions like that too and I’m really well adjusted because she was aware of her blind spots and let me know that… well, that they were HER blind spots and not MY deficits. ❤
This is me with my kids. It’s very very hard for me. I pray often about it and know realize that I am doing it sometimes and I try and figure out how to correct it but it is so hard sometimes.
This hit home. Excuse was well you had a home, food and basic necessities. Love and affection are also necessities. Freedom from constant criticism and emotional abuse is a must too.
YES, THANK YOU OMG I'm crying inside, because I just don't want to hurt myself doing it externally. Why did we not get these necessities? Why couldn't we just have real parents who know/knew how to give us these things we need? Parenting should be under a license, like driving and gun control. It cannot be fucking like this anymore. There needs to be a way to ensure you can break the cycle of trauma torture for good. At least I got my tubes fixed, so I will never fall prey to emotionally needing a therapist out of my birthed child when I'd want to genuinely love them without lasting hangups getting in the way of our relationship. Sometimes I've actually wanted to make my own child, but...not like that. I show my love to all of my "children" by not bringing them into such a garbage broken world. Only until it's fixed will it ever be safe.
@@DemonPikachuWhy the duck would you want to say that? It's such a "wholier than thou" comment. There are so many people learning to try to heal that trauma, trying to do better than, or understand themselves, society is really cruel and criticising people for going through childhood trauma in the first place, which often leads to poverty and victim blaming. Already inching close to eugenics thinking. And here you are saying what a gift it is to the world to NOT have kids if being through trauma. Your choice for YOUrself not to have children. Don't guilt other people into thinking they'd be a lesser parent too. It's like saying hell, I'm prone to get cancer because a relative had it, might chop off my breast before anything shoves up, because really not interested in working it out or taking chemo in case it won't do anything. At least you're aware, at least you know what you look for. The difference between our parents and us is that we're at least interested in trying to get help for it, being aware of it, often spending half of our lives to get the help NOT to redo what they did. I dreamt of having my own family my whole life, to love them like nothing else. So shut up. I've heard your kind of argument again and again. The lower one goes on the financial ladder, the higher it sounds. "How irresponsible bringing a kid to it all would be". No-one ever talks about how corrosive it is having lots of love but nowhere to go except dreaming in another dimension Because life here on earth is fucking meaningless. So shut the fuck up about your tubes. It doesn't make you a better human or "sacrificing to better good" It does nothing to humanity but makes less children of those who are at aware and know what they longed for. It won't change a thing in a bigger picture. It just makes the privileged more privileged. It is your choice. Don't guilt people into thinking it should be theirs too.
Your videos have helped me be more empathetic towards my mom and understanding how she also coped as a child is the way she taught me how to cope as a child :(
My mother was exactly the same way. She escaped to her corner of the house and let us exist on our own. When I was 58, I told her that I didn’t recall a time when she sat with me to discuss what was on my mind or give me loving advice in anything. It’s sad to know this was my childhood. I’m 62 now. I’m learning how to heal from the neglect and abuse if my childhood.
That wasn’t neglect or abuse. You expecting too much. I was raised same way and don’t feel like I was neglected or abused. It gave me place to grow, independence , had friends to talk to .What is wrong with ppl, they reach 60 and decide to bitch at the poor parents .
I remember the very very intense feeling as a kid, of wanting to be hugged and comforted so bad but never having that. I found out as an adult that my mom knowingly didn’t, because she thought it would make me too “soft”. So anyway, I have a wonderful partner now who shows more affection and support than she ever did. It’s honestly been really healing
I'm so surprised how many people don't talk with their kiddos of hug them 😢 not a day goes by that I don't hug talk with or say I love you to my kids...I can't I don't understand how one couldn't 😢 my parents were loving but very critical... I didn't feel I could talk with them and while they did hug me and tell me they loved me it was not very often, but it was there none the less. sending out big hugs to all those that need it! Keep striving to make your corner of the world a better place, be the person you want to be and always look forward not behind. Remember you don't need anyone to validate who you are, as long as you validate yourself. ❤️
Narcissistic parents do this all the time. Then they trot out the " being too soft" or the " sensitive" label, as excuses. Parent like these needs to be shunned,if they're still unpleasant.
My mom was emotionally absent. It took me years to figure out how much that affected me. I recently confronted her about it. Her excuse, “well, I wasn’t shown love or affection by my parents.” I guess it just got passed down. Cycle ends with me tho. I’m pregnant and my kid is going to know sooo much love and compassion
This is 1000% my dad every single day. He always provides for me financially but gaslights me almost everyday over the smallest things and doesn't know how to show people his affection and love 😢
the threats of taking away things or not paying for something because you choose to love people around you they don’t want you to, is so fucking hard bro. It just feels wrong. I will always love people hard because I know what it feels like to not be loved the way I need.
My dad is similar. He acts like i don't live up to my potential while simultaneously treating me like I'm not capable of doing so. Then he gives me a hard time about how I turned out. Like dude you were supposed to raise ME. Gaslight was a good choice of words
This was my mom. Growing up I don’t remember her ever playing with me and she made a clear boundary of personal space and we all had our own rooms. She’s so loving and wonderful and truly did the best she could but man was she super critical and some days didn’t have much to say unless she was tearing into me for something I did wrong.
I was the emotionally absent parent. My daughter is the one who pointed it out to me. I've been working on myself for years and getting better and giving her the support she needs. There are many factors as to why I was emotionally absent and none of them have anything to do with not loving or caring for my daughter. I didn't know how to show love. I was never shown love. I do my best every day to show up for her tho!
To help you understand your daughter’s perspective a little more: Would you stay with a man who loves you but cannot show it at all, and is completely unable to meet your emotional needs? If you were really in a relationship like that, how long would you stay in it for? Probably not very long. It would be soul-crushing to live with someone like that. Since they don’t know how to show love, your spirit would not be nourished; you would be very starved for affection and comfort and care. The only difference is, you can’t break up with your mother and find a new, better mother who can meet your needs. Your poor daughter. I’m not trying to guilt you, but to help you realise how difficult it must be for your daughter. It’s good that you’re conscious and aware, and improving yourself. Don’t be consumed by guilt, but feel empathy for your daughter.
@@TofuTeo oh, I completely understand her perspective on many levels. My parents ignored me, which taught me that's how things are supposed to be. In turn, I grew up and was in relationships with men who ignored me and treated me horribly when they gave me 'attention'. Up until my daughter was born, I didn't realize a lot of things, sadly. Her dad was the worst and unfortunately I didn't realize that until after she was born. She's 9 now and I've learned a lot being her mom. I left her dad when she was young and when she learned to talk she told me how my actions, or lack of them, made her feel. Knowing where she is coming from, I completely understood and felt horrible. That's not how I wanted to be. It was a difficult change for me, not because of her, but I was stuck in a household with my dad and brother and they did everything they could to take everything I had. My money, time, sanity, everything. I barely could pay attention to my child because they wouldn't allow it. I wasn't even allowed time for myself. It got to the point they would shut off the water if I tried to shower. Or if I tried to do laundry they would interrupt it, take my clothes out, and do laundry so I couldn't. The bills were over $1000 a month and I was the only one paying them, plus buying all groceries, giving rides on my dime and would be laughed at for asking for gas money. I had to work 10-12 hour shifts to come home and clean just so I could feed my daughter and I because they would use every dish as quickly as possible we also had dogs they refused to let out, letting them go potty all over the house, which was mostly dried by the time I got home. I refused to eat with all that around so at 11pm I'd have to come home, clean all that and more, finally be able to eat and go to bed by maybe 2-4am and then had to be up at 7 for daycare and work. These things were done intentionally to me. Why? Good question, I'd love to know that too. Anyway, we finally got out of all that and I've been healing and working to be a better parent. I'm not perfect. I also found a wonderful man who I've been with for 6 years and he also helps me realize a lot from her perspective. She has parents who love her very much. Her dad is out of the picture, but that's where he belongs. I wake up every day with the intention of doing better for my daughter.
@@ragedpuma7564 Mothers who haven't learnt the lesson of loving and respecting themselves -- and that includes not allowing yourself to be mistreated by others, or overworked, or exploited -- fail to teach their daughters self-love and respect too. If you constantly abandon yourself, you will also abandon your daughter, and also be a terrible role model for her (teaching her that self-abandonment is normal, or even good) Let this be a warning to all mothers reading this. Self-abandonment, inability to love and respect yourself, failture to stand up to your abusers etc. -- those things not only harm you, but also your children. My mother's failure to protect me had to do with her failure to protect herself. And her failure to love me also had to do with her failure to love and take care of herself. Not to mention my mother was also deeply insecure and full of self-hatred and self-flagellation, which made her a narcissistic and unloving mother during stressful times. All the things you described above of your plight -- those are not normal situations. You stayed a helpless victim in them for too long, and your poor daughter was dragged alongside. You lacked the faith and courage and wisdom to get OUT of those situations sooner. You can only love others well if you know how to love yourself well. If you abandon yourself and put up with mistreatment, you will allow your daughter to be mistreated too -- she turns into a helpless victim like you, instead of an empowered person. You let yourself work crazy hours and barely get enough rest to function and be sane. I'm sure there were reasons for it, but if you had acted in faith and self-love, and prioritised your needs, you would've likely found out that life actually takes care of itself. "The bills were over $1000 a month and I was the only one paying them, play buying all groceries, giving rides on my dime" -- Now why would you do that? Especially when you were the income-earner and could've just kicked them out assertively, or moved to a new place (if they refused) to build a peaceful life for you and your daughter? Being self-abandoning for family members who don't reciprocate your kindness is not "noble self-sacrifice"; it's a lack of self-love and self-respect, which will have deleterious effects.
@ragedpuma7564 As an adult with an emotionally absent father (and to an extent, mother), and severely narcissistic mother: *I APPLAUD YOU.* You don't know how rare it is in this situation for you to hear, process, and strive to change and do better. That means more than you will ever know. Keep up the great work. You are doing wonderful. I'm sure your daughter appreciates it 💙💙
Oh hon, i feel you. I am kinda absent to my eldest and try my damnest to combat it everyday. It's very hard for me to connect and bond with him, he was born when i wasn't ready for a child, i did try my best for him, but i think it isn't enough. It's not helping that both of us are neurodivergent, he doesn't like being touched since little, and that makes bonding more difficult for me who craves touches. We are under going therapy at the moment because i want the best for him, but my delivery sometimes gets lost in translation.
I remember a while back a lot of people were liking the scene in Fences where Denzel Washington plays a dad and they have a whole talk where the son is like, “i fee like you’ve never loved me once.” And Denzel’s character is just like,” “Good, that’s not my job. I’m supposed to feed and clothe you, I don’t have to _like_ you.” And I just remember the heartbreak I get seeing so many people being like, “finally, someone gets it. That’s how real men parent their kids!” It sucks that so many people genuinely can’t see how they’re failing their kids so badly when they do shit like this.
Yeah that is kinda of sad considering one of the themes of the movie was letting go of anger and hate caused by the trauma imparted on you by your parents so your children don't have to deal with those same traumas. But people watching just a UA-cam short may not have the context of having seen the whole film so what can you do.
The "I may love you, but I don't like you" line... Legit, if kids are reflections of the parents behaviour/person. What they're saying I guess, is they're saying really, is they neither love nor like themselves one bit.
The part about not being able to connect with others because of parents not connecting with children finally puts words to what I've been experiencing. Thank you for shedding light on topics like this🙏
This made me realize that both my parents are emotionally absent with me. They are always there but most interaction are them asking me to do some chores with irritated voice or when they are reprimanding me
I’m 31. My dad has always been like this. But by now, I’ve accepted him for it. I don’t blame him at all for being completely reserved because my grandmother was the same way. Do I wish I had his affection growing up? Sure. But I know he just loves me in his own way.
my partner was parented like this. She is so so loved and valued now, but of course it doesn't totally undo the trauma of the past. To everyone who lived through this: your thoughts, opinions, feelings, joys and struggles matter, and you deserve support, connections and gentleness ❤
relatable, as a child I felt like my mom wanted me to grow up fast cause she had many older kids and when we could start doing things together is when she really was there
Thank you for finally explaining whats been going on between my mother and i since i was little. It been plaguing my mind for weeks. This is why i feel like dont have a mother. Weirdly my mum only did this for me. Shes much more involved with my siblings.
Exactly… it’s more like ,” mmm k.”” Or ,” can you wash that apoon?” While you’re pouring your heart out Or they’ll pick up the phone and call a friend… because they have to. Or turn around and listen to the other emotionally abusive parent who casually says something like “ check out this picture,” Pretty much anythjng is more important than you- when you’re about to say something heartfelt and full of aignificance
My mother was emotionally unavailable throughout my entire childhood. I always thought she didn’t like my personality or just me in general. She’d go weeks without speaking to me if she was mad and I’d have to eat dinners by myself during these times too. Because of this I became very independent and I’m grateful for that but I was always really lonely. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I understood things that a little child never could. My older brother died at 4 by falling into the lake during a church event. My father had already left us and by this time she was finalizing the divorce. She was a single mother trying to juggle the pain and heartache of losing a marriage and a child while still having to care for me too. As an adult I can understand now it was too much heartache for her to handle all alone. After years of separation she finally reached out to me and laid all her demons out. She didn’t want to live. After Joey died she said she felt like she died with him. She only held on because I was there. She tried and I’m proud that she held on.
My Dad’s like this. He’d tried to be present, in a more “how was your day” if I’m sitting right there next to him and “let’s play a game together that I like” once in a while sort of sense. When it came down to actual feelings and trying to address a problem… he’d either lecture you and turn it into you are the problem about something, or he would get reactive to your emotion, not knowing how to handle them, and tell you to stop having them so he could try and use logic. Problem is, the issue was emotional, so the moment emotions are shut off, there is no more problem, temporarily. And it never gets fixed. It’s a cycle. He was hard to understand. My Mom often called him a ‘robot’ because he simply refused to ever get mad at her. He got mad plenty of times at me, but that’s because I hadn’t learned to disassociate, and cried all the time uncontrollably due to undiagnosed issues nobody knew were prevalent and frankly rather glaringly obvious in hindsight.
OMG. MY DAD. This explains so much 😭 recently healing childhood trauma and this HIT. Thanks for this. ❤ love to all gone through something similar may we all heal soon 😭 x
This is exactly what my relationship with my parents was like. Any time I’ve tried to talk to them about it as an adult, they only focus on the fact that they “did” so much for me as a kid, and not the fact that they were never really there. Half the stuff they “did” was stuff I couldn’t care less about anyways and only happened to make them look like good parents from the outside. Stuff they could brag to their friends and coworkers about, meanwhile I spent my entire childhood stressed, depressed, and basically raised by video games and the internet. I have massive difficulties as an adult and granted, am old enough where I should take responsibility for my own failings, but I deeply resent that I was granted “artificial” parents meanwhile others had the real thing.
Thanks for sharing. Sometimes our parents don't have a clue about our feelings. (I now understand why I listen more to other people than my parents. And why we get influenced by social media so much)
I totally relate. What makes it even kore frustrating is that my parents had bad childhoods, so youd think they wouls learn from it and be better parents.
@infinitum8558 that's why they say "you can't pour from an empty cup" do the dreaded question is "how will we be as parents" then the cycle continues. I like to be a parent one day so I'm working on my healing.
@@infinitum8558They probably were abused in other ways and thought they were doing better by not abusing their children physically or sxlly. They didn't know about emotional neglect back then... heck, most people don't know about it today. They couldn't give what they were never given themselves.
THIS! Just today I had a discussion about this with my mother. I tried to explain to her how in the past she didn't teach me to be vulnerable with her, and she kept saying "so you're trying to say how I was the worst mother in the world... I did so much for you!" ... Like you should really get outta your own ass and listen to me once, instead of getting butthurt about me saying ONE negative thing about her. And btw it was her who started the convo, not me... -.-
Ugh that “not being able to connect with others because you never connect with me” was crippling for me, didn’t make a single friend in school or otherwise until I was *15* and even then it was another socially awkward kid taking me under their wing 😅
I didn't usually keep friends from school to school year usually they were almost entirely a new set of people and unless someone said their name often enough I didn't always know their names or I knew the nickname that other people called them because we rarely had classes together. I spent time in the library in middle school so I didn't have to connect with kids who had already rejected me at that point. Now as a mom myself I am trying to connect with other people but we had to let go of friends, my husband and I, because we got tired of doing all the work all of the time to maintain a friendship. My husband and I are best friends and this whole marriage thing has made it easy for us to almost feel like we are just hanging out every day, parenthood has changed it a ton as well as other life changes. But even with kids we try and make things fun for them and we have issues with not inconveniencing others with our kids because some people had our introduction to parenthood made us and our babies unwelcome in a lot of places so we feel they aren't really welcome in many places at all still as they have gotten older. I miss being able to go on dates and have time where it is just my husband and I but it seems like we have kids who act like they need us exactly when we want to be left alone with just each other. Sorry I am rambling a lot, but I get where you are coming from, finding it hard to maintain friendships during school and now well past my school years.
This was my father. He was always there, as he was mostly retired (was 50 when I was born) but never emotionally there. The most I would hear from him was if he disapproved of something I did. Many times he’d talk to my mom and she’d tell me. Thankfully she was interested in me, but she also parentified me by confiding in me from a young age about her unhappiness in the marriage. At least I don’t bottle up my feelings. But I do feel resentment to this day about it.
My mom screamed at me in January and accused me of only ever seeing her as a “coin purse” (she’s the breadwinner in our family while my dad was a stay-at-home parent who hopped between teaching jobs as I got older, so my mom paid for our insurance and all other expenses). When she asked me what the word “mom” meant to me, I literally couldn’t answer her. She was emotionally absent but still expected me and my brothers to take care of her emotionally when we weren’t even equipped to take care of ourselves emotionally. I’m 23 and I still don’t know what moms are supposed to do other than make money while the dad stays home or stay home while the dad makes money. Because of her being emotionally neglectful while also parentifying me and my brothers, I ended up with a disorganized (also called anxious-avoidant or fearful-avoidant) attachment style, which I’m in therapy trying to fix. Basically I crave closeness and emotional safety, but the idea of it is scary because it’s not familiar to me, so I lose touch with my own emotions and others’ emotions. My brain tends to shut down when emotions are high. It’s also extremely difficult for me to ask for help or even identify what my needs are because I wasn’t taught how to do that as a kid and I learned that the only person I could trust was myself. Emotionally absent parents cause real harm, even if they don’t realize it.
"what does the word mom mean to you?" damn that's some narcissistic bs. I'm so sorry for you. Like she needs to look in a mirror and ask HERSELF that question.
You just described how I am currently after dealing with my dad for so long. He is emotionally absent but is good at faking like he isn't. He'll say he loves me and is proud of me, but his actions don't show real investment in me and the things I care about, and conversations with him are always about himself and his interests. He used to mock my interests growing up and still looks down on them.
It is; my mother is like this, she became like this once my fathers alcoholism really kicked in and she had to do the single mother thing. I personally think single mothers have a very slim, slim chance of producing emotionally healthy children. They're either too emotionally burnt out, or, just physically not there enough because they have to provide like the absent male is supposed to be doing.... its very sad. It's why two parent households are the best households for raising healthy children.
Definitely survival mode. There's a spectrum of severity, too. There are single parents who do give the emotional needs, so don't put a huge blanket over the single parents. For me, significant grief put me in the emotionally absent parenting group. In hindsight, I can see the difference in how I parented before and after I "involuntarily joined the grief club." I've been healing the 12yrs of emotional absenteeism over the last 3 years and the ripple effect to my kids has been profound. Still a journey, but it's getting better all the time. I'm better equipped to deal with another tragic loss that happened a couple weeks ago and stay present for my family, especially one child who has been the most affected from the first tragedy to the recent one. It's Earth School and we all have a curriculum for life to experience individually and collectively 💝
@@Cuntspiracy2.0Yes, my mom was a Single mother and was always stressed out! I passed my dysfunctions on to my kids un knowingly and just a few years back I am now seeing it… it is so painful to see that the pain I endured was passed to my precious children, it breaks my heart to know i hurt my kids like this.
It was when she said that she doesn’t know how to connect with people cause her mom never connected with her that’s the part that got me, I have super bad anxiety
That makes perfect sense. People's hearts are so hardened and they are just existing...miles away from an actual connection to themselves. Conformed to the ways of the world.
realizing that i’ll never have the support/comfort from my mom that ive always wanted was the worst most painful feeling i’ve ever felt. i’ve literally begged & cried for my mom to just hug me & make me feel cared for.
Omg, I’m shocked…your videos are literally my life as a kid! I thought I was making things up or was just confused😞 This is helping me so much to understand things. Thank you!🙏🏼
There’s so many excellent videos on UA-cam. We are all lucky now that there are resources at our fingertips. Don’t be too hard on your parents, you may never know how they missed out on their own childhood. Also, be discerning in what/who you follow. Not everyone doing these videos is trained in mental health. Some aren’t to be taken too seriously.
@@Dbb27 thank you, I will look into that. These videos are helping me in a good way. My mom was emotionally absent my whole childhood and teenage years and now I’m starting to understand why and makes me feel compassion for her. She must’ve been going through so much herself. Thanks for the reminder of being cautious, as you say, not everyone is skilled to give advice on such delicate matters🙏
This totally describe my dad. Growing up, I've become extremely lonely and anxious, especially since my mom died, so I feel like I don't have anyone on my side. I still struggle even as an adult thanks to that.
Parenting is so hard, especially when your parents had to grow up with emotionally absent parents and do the same thing to their kids. Then the cycle repeats with each generation. It takes a lot of effort to break negative parenting cycles.
Agreed which is why ppl don’t need to have kids until they fix their shit. Go to therapy, go to parenting classes or something. Eventually excuses get old. Children aren’t a right but a privilege.
This! Preparation is key. Work on yourself befor eyou involve/add another person in the picture. That also goes with going into relationships @@alexandria3177
I broke the cycle but unconsciously. I think I was a naturally affectionate and giving person but that was stifled for years by emotionally unavailable parents. In relationships, as an adult, I was always affection with my partner and when I had a child later in life I'm very affectionate with him - lots of hugs, kisses and physical contact (arm around his shoulder, reassuring back pat, etc). I think it all came out naturally when the circumstances allowed for it.
@@Ikr2025Is cptsd new? I ask because, I have been diagnosed numerous times over the years with PTSD. But it's impossible to pinpoint what it stems from because there have been so many incidents over a long period of time. But none of my therapists have ever mentioned this to me
These videos are so very refreshingly honest that they're encouraging. Watching them shows me how simple and easy it is to do the work of making positive change while providing the best motivation to just make the change.
My mom was like this. I remember begging her to read me a book. She didn’t want to. She said just look at the pictures. They tell the story. So sad. I wanted the interaction with her. Not long after that she bought me a cassette player and books on tape to listen to. She missed the point. I remember being so pissed but I couldn’t put my feelings into words. I know she loved me but I think she was depressed.
Important to note that the parent who is emotionally absent was raised by similar parents-it’s generational trauma. Though it’s up to those in the trauma cycle to WANT to explore & change, so they can break the cycle and not continue it.
Sometimes this makes me feel better, but a lot of the time it hurts. Because I can tell that if I had kids right now, I would be the same way, so I relate. It makes me invalidate a lot of the anger I feel toward them, which just gives me more practice at not experiencing my own emotions. Just now learning that you can still feel subjective feelings toward things you have an objective understanding of-you don’t always have to be 100% justified as though you were a courtroom judge.
Agree😢 this generation trauma didn’t happen yesterday. It was finally brought to light and answered many questions. But it’s up to individual if they want to continue or stop generating more and pass it to their children.
There are more reasons why a parent can be emotionally absent than just generational trauma -- for me it's cause my mom is autistic. Which is fair, but it sucks how difficult it's been to try to connect with her
Man, this hits super hard. My mom was the emotionally absent parent, but was always physically there. My dad, on the other hand, was barely home, but was always emotionally invested in us the times that he was home.
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How do you cope when your parents do this?
Had me with the video
Lost me with the ad
same honestly kinda gross @@homemadecircle
talk to someone you can trust, perhaps outside of the family or at school/work. try getting in contact with a professional you feel can hear you out in a way you feel comfortable with. and remember they (your parents and their behavior), not you, are the problem here. you are valid!@@liv8509
And most people don’t even consider this trauma bc it leaves no bruises just invisible wounds on a person that feels invisible.
💯
Yes , and they think they won't be held accountable , OR literally they aren't accountable. They view themselves as completely unaccountable.
Fr. I thought most of my life I had a perfectly fine and normal upbringing until the isolation of covid hit and anxiety blindsided me, and I had to look inward to figure out why.
Exactly! Mental abuse and/or emotional neglect, can cause the same amount of damage as physical abuse/neglect. They both can affect you for decades.
@@peachfuzz7329 that’s really important for us all to understand. do you do work in the mental health field? I wasn’t aware of this until recently.
We basically have to re-parent ourselves in adulthood and it's exhausting
Interesting. Parenting is beyond exhausting... No one tells you the truth, but they all push for you to have kids, and then when you have them, all of your flaws are on full display for them to judge you. I raised terrific children (6 of them), but it broke me mentally and physically. Giving every piece of myself to ensure they were well-adjusted, happy, and thriving is unknowable exhaustion.
Yeah... making sense of the puzzle pieces and then putting them together takes time.
@@findmeanewplanetyeah, hard for parents also.
🎯💯
I'm 23 years old and I only now learned how to brush my teeth and floss 😭
Okay algorithm ya didn't have to throw this incredibly specific brick directly at me...
My jaw dropped. Things are making sense to me now. I hope I didn't end up doing the same thing with my children. This explains a lot.
I literally felt the same way 😢
seriously
Lmao right???
I loved my mom more than anything, but I grew up so completely emotionally neglected.
The part left out of this, is the part where the mother then feels attacked for the daughter having attempted to explain how that hurts and then spends 20 minutes yelling at them more. This then leads to a whole anxiety/panic attack meltdown and they then say its an over reaction. This video summarizes basically my entire childhood, and it has left me with so much mental and emotion trauma that will never get addressed nor resolved... however seeing things like that helps me feel valid.. like it was never me who was the problem.. so thank you.
Oh my gosh yes that’s me too. Bringing anything up just makes me feel like it’s all in my head. Nothing gets dealt with & they feel guilty because they weren’t “perfect parents” but that’s not what I’m saying. But then they shut down and don’t let me explain, leaving me feeling even more frustrated and shut down. I think we all have up years ago. But then it all came out on Christmas Day, when you can only play the “perfect family” for a certain amount of hours. I basically got told that I am the problem because they all get along fine. They don’t even notice their dysfunction or that they are making me feel silenced. Or that everyone else in the world communicates the way that I do and I’m not actually the weird one 😔 I have just learnt to bottle and then explode. Trying to communicate with them has proven futile over and over. They don’t want to change and I need to be ok with that. It was the psychologist who eventually made me see how toxic things were. I blamed myself for years. They just don’t have the toolkit to know what to do with a highly sensitive creative person who has high functioning adhd (I’ve learnt how to set alarms & work on things without medication) and likes to communicate well. They prefer to just shut everything off & keep “getting on” with life.. even though it’s actually not good coping skills/emotional regulation. Argh
Same. Youre not alone, finally started going to therapy at 27. I buried it down and its like going through it all over again, but its helping…slowly. Best of luck to you, dont ever stop fighting!
This would be a narcissistic parent. I'm so sorry. 🥺
@@jakeandallissawomack1898Everything is not narcissistic. It's a parent that was denied access to their parents and learned it was natural.... Only to hear their children say it's trauma is hard to uproot not because you don't love the child but because you have never accepted your upbringing as painful. The key is to be the emotional parent to your children you wanted from your parents AND that is serious work most fail to do BUT every day baby steps are better than none.
Exactly… THIS 😢.
They don't want to deal with your emotions but somehow you always have to cater to theirs
UGH. I will let people crap all over me and I feel like that’s just my purpose; to be empty while constantly filling everyone else’s cup. Thanks to my emotionally absent while somehow super emotional mother.
No bc this is literally my mum. She’ll get upset that she feels worthless but then she turns around and makes me feel the exact same way 😭
Literally. I remember when I was a kid and more hopeful my mom would always have severe mental breakdowns to me and tell me all about her worries and depression, and because I wanted to have an actual connection and better relationship with her, I would always give her advice and have to give her counseling like an adult and one day she told me "wow you're like my personal therapist", I was 7. The other day I tried once again to "open up" and told her that I didn't like one of my classes today, and she straight up just said "okay?? why are you telling me that? why would I care?" 😐😐...
I never got hugs from my mom. The only time hugs were warranted is when she asked for them. She made me kiss her cheek one time after I had my tonsils removed. My dad got mad cause I could get sick or get her sick and then it just never happened again.
Normalization of wretched human behavior is the worst!!! Emotional abuse and neglect are still valid💔 Heal yourself and let go of people that get in the way of your healing… Even yourself. It hurts so bad that ppl don’t want to act right towards others even though children never asked to be born.
Don’t forget the constant gaslighting and constantly telling you how much they do for you when you do speak up…
BINGO! That's the real-life version of this conversation, in a nutshell. it starts, continues, and ends with mom talking about what a great mom she is (or, in my case, regurgitating how it's so hard to be a single mother and she's doing her best, so really she's the victim here and why are you complaining again? You should soothe ME now, child)!
Yeah ☹️
That’s called financial manipulation
@@jvncomeauxI think you're conflating some terms since Financial Abuse is about money and wealth
Just really confused about it. My parents aren’t bad people but I’m struggling to figure out what’s wrong with me and they’re probably really burnt out and similar to me, but during Covid all they did was kick me on the ground when I was hurting and trying to help us as a family they just kicked me and beat me up and rejected me to the point where I could understand why people killed himself and that really worked. Woke me up to something I didn’t realize they’re all like that. There’s a lot whether they know it or not and unfortunately probably and meet you a lot or being not in touch with yourself a lot of inability to deal a lot of narcissism, triangulation and gaslighting and yet they would do anything for you so it gets very confusing even saying this, so it makes me feel even crazier I just don’t understand why I don’t exist and I feel crazy and I don’t know how to trust myself and it gets worse because I also have ADD and OCD and now I’m bipolar so I’m just really fuck right now like I really feel sad and I’m just lucky I don’t have energy to do something I won’t say
I had this mom. Learned to be very independent and self-sufficient, but became desperately anxious and lonely and depressed. Still working through how to feel emotions because I've shut them out for so long. Being vulnerable and being dismissed instead of comforted in response felt far worse than whatever I was initially feeling. This is probably why I turned to poetry, so I could express my emotions without them being directly criticized.
Same & it affects me until adulthood because I was trained to be a people pleaser.
Me too and also for the poetry as well.
I'm glad you've found an outlet. Good luck
I kinda went the other way with it, I never feel lonely and never have (at least to my recollection) It has made me independent but also sometimes it leaves me feeling like there’s something wrong with me, for feeling like this. Like why don’t I miss my friends or why am I fine to not talk to anyone for days on end when they really miss and want to talk to me? It makes me feel like an asshole tbh. I do think it’s really nice that you turned your feelings into something beautiful with your poetry and I hope writing it brings you and others who read it some peace.
I also turned to writing at a very early age. I wrote almost obsessively, never really connected that this may have been the reason. It gave me a voice when nobody would listen.
I can so relate. My mother never interacted with us in a positive way, touched or hugged us or told us she cared or loved us. Having emotionally absent & abusive parents really changes you as a person.
It does. It takes a lifetime to find out that you actually matter to others.
I feel your pain. I was raised by my dad who didn’t even know I existed unless I got in trouble. I was never told he ever loved me or any kind of hug 🫂 or anything. And mom wasn’t around either left when I was 8 so I basically raised myself and at 43 yrs of age now watching this vid makes me so emotional and coincidence it’s my Dads bday tomorrow and I don’t talk to my family anymore. I decided enough was enough of me searching for everyone’s love and always being the one who tried. Gosh 😢 I can’t believe I would see this vid right now and still have so much pain bottled up. Bless you all who went through the same❤️
@@gdsd80I hope you are in a better place now and finding that love the you deserve I could feel your pain while reading this it hit me pretty hard because sadly I can relate and I know the emotions you’re feeling. I can tell you deserved so much better. We are all out here scarred but still living and still moving forward. I’ve decided to learn from the mistakes of others and if I do decide to have kids I will do all I can to keep them from ever feeling what I have felt. No one should have to go through this shit .
My mother and father were the same way mostly my mother . It very sad feeling unloved . 😢 and now im married to a toxic unemotionally husband that dont give a rats ass about my feelings😢😢
My mother told me a number of times: I don't have to like you, but I have to love you.
And don't forget the fact that these parents often expect their child's unconditional support and love whenever they have emotional outbursts. And they will lose it on occassion after keeping it bottled up. But it is NEVER reciprocated during the child's time of need.
Damn
Wow... I remember when my mom was diagnosed with depression and the whole family was taught what it was and how to help her and I remember as a kid I was like "Well what about me? I'm hurting too"
Empty promises of help, and sweeping all the problems under the rug.
Facts
Exactly my mom down to every detail. But on top that she used to hit me too.
I felt this in my cranium
When they are emotionally absent with you but seem to be fine with others…
@@elkynethehorde5592 you is smart, you is kind, you is important 💜
@@sapn19 same to you 🧡
I had that problem when my daughter was young. I was a special ed teacher, and the kids at school needed SO. MUCH. from me that by the time I got home, I was spent. I knew it wasn’t fair, so I did everything I could to connect with her, but I know I wasn’t perfect.
That was my husband. I married him cuz he was so much fun to be around. But after marriage, he ignored me. I felt I had made a big mistake in marrying him. There's a great guy named Jonathon Aslay who makes videos about how to know if someone would be a good match for you.
THISSS
My first child is currently a year and a half. It occurred to me a few weeks ago that he entertains himself pretty well. This week he kept getting really upset because I basically ignore him to be on my phone. Unless I’m taking him to stop doing something… I was dealing with, issue, but still, I had to actively work my brain to just put my phone down and be present while with him. Even just sitting together really seems to bring out so much joy in him. I’m so glad I realize this now, while he’s still a toddler. Now I’m seeing this video the next day!! God is good: there’s no way this is a coincidence!
I appreciate your honesty. i saw myself in both of these people and I don't want to pass on these traits.
Talk to and play with your child all the time. Please don’t let meaningless videos ruin your important time together. ❤
I’m glad to see that it’s some thing you’re becoming aware of. And I hope it stays that way. Otherwise you can expect to not have any closeness to your child as they get older, and then you’ll probably wonder why they don’t talk to you
My mom still prioritizes her tv over her children/grand children. I’m glad you recognize this hurts in the long run.
Yes chic...get off your phone...put the thing away for 4 hours...and go out into town or the park..with your child...I am 46 and I had my kids at 18&24...I didn't have a mobile...just do it...tell you friends/family...the phones off...have fun!❤
This is so true what the mum says " I provide a roof over your head and you have a warm bed". Yep I was told that all the time. I have not a single memory of being hugged by my mum or any kind of interaction physical or emotional interaction except when being told what to do
Two days ago I was literally told how loved I was because I was taken formal shopping for school dances. I'm 56. The generation before us had different awareness. They'd come out of a traumatizing war. Trauma isn't new. No one comes into this world knowing all of this. The generations before our parents were much colder. Think plow the field and milk the cows and fall into bed exhausted at nine years old colder. We forget how much easier survival is now. For my mom and dad who were 1 pair of wrong sized shoes poor as children having the means, time and desire to do that one thing with me was a HUGE mental victory for them. Did I need more? Of course. Did they have it to give? Unfortunately they did not know how. It wasn't their fault they didn't know how any more than it not being my fault that I needed it. Life is often more cruel than this social media generation understands. Ought we aspire to be and provide the best, of course. And its excellent to introspect and heal our pain, feed our inner parts. But its also important to see when a dis. Abled person gave the best they knew how. Forgiveness and awareness ought to be part of our healing journey. Forgiveness doesn't mean approval. It means letting go of the belief that we are defined or limited by those experiences and releasing those people and circumstances from being bound to our future story. Holding the pain, anger, disappointment can be a valuable currency for other unhealthy experiences. Best to release, forgive and do better on our walk with the gift of understanding they never had.
All the best to you all out there and may you have great joy in this life.
@@caroli216if every previous generation can claim having a more difficult situation growing up than the next there is no reason to reflect or try to find out what the proper way to raise children is. It’s hard to imagine a situation in human advancement where the time before the advancement was not harder. It’s one thing to say there is no manual for raising kids (words from my own mother) and then another thing to enter adulthood with no idea how to look after yourself because nobody bothered to see if you know to look after yourself. I mean that’s how it seems from my perspective.
@@user-mg4jf8we3p I'm pretty sure you and I are saying the same thing, that reflection and trying to find out what the proper way to raise children is. "Ought we aspire to be and provide the best, of course. And its excellent to introspect and heal our pain, feed our inner parts."
I'm just adding that releasing the hurt from our past is essential for our own healing, at least that's my experience. It's one thing that we were let down, it's another thing when we continue to let ourselves down going forward after reflecting. That's where forgiveness sets us free to love and look after ourselves fully. "But its also important to see when a dis. Abled person gave the best they knew how. Forgiveness and awareness ought to be part of our healing journey. Forgiveness doesn't mean approval. It means letting go of the belief that we are defined or limited by those experiences and releasing those people and circumstances from being bound to our future story. "
And as we forgive and release the cords tying us to the past we become more able to love our children, and all the people around us, from our best place. I just think forgiveness helps the forgiver.
This really spoke to me. I remember almost nothing of my childhood other than playing by myself in my room or of being in trouble.
Same, this caused a lot of trauma even into my adulthood. I want to make it a habit of not being this way when I do have kids.
same...I can barely remember anything besides negative things before the age of 8
🫂 omg same
Feel it too, though later on idk what happened to my mom she kinda just changed and started to spend time with me by going on small trips every weekend
😭❤ I felt this
You also learn to be a MASSIVE people pleaser, because you crave those moments of "I'm proud of you" and have learned that that moment isn't just given, it's earned
And that attention and positive regard are hard-earned too. Whereas some parents naturally delight in their children.
also, when you find someone who says things like that and treats you well you can get attached, because youre not used to people being like that. i think it could make it easier to be manipulated that way too.
Yep. They teach us to bottle it up, slap a mask on it, and they pull the strings to make it dance.
omg yes...
nope. i have an emotionally detatched parent and i would never be seen doing something so pathetic
Kids literally just want your love and attention and they give back so much more. Its so simple and they are like pure joy and sweetness in a little person, what a blessing children are. Just being around children is so beautiful and special all children. Im only an aunt but I know they are indeed Gods greatest gift.
I remember crying to my mom bc I didn’t have any friends and she told me I had to be friendly to make friends but she never gave me the skills to be close to anyone. I still struggle keeping connections going.
Same
Remember people, food and shelter is the BARE MINIMUM. If that’s the only thing you provide for your child you are a bad parent.
It’s more than a lot of us get… have some gratitude, it might help you be less miserable of a person.
@@Mystika777The absence of those things is a criminal offense that ideally should be punished by law, that's the point. A parent who refuses to provide food and shelter doesn't have the legal right to be a parent. Doing the bare minimum required of you by national law doesn't absolve parents of wrongdoings. You are comparing abuse to even worse abuse.
@@Mystika777
Have to agree.
@@Mystika777like kindness is free? Sure some parents struggle to provide but holding that over a child's head is abuse, which is the point here. My family lived in a tent at a campground for awhile when I was a toddler. I get it. Just because we eventually had a house doesn't mean my mother's physical, emotional and verbal abuse was like okay...
That's not even the bare minimum, that's their JOB
I just finished reading “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” and it is so insightful for kids who grew up in this kind of environment.
I was thinking of buying this book. Your comment just sold it for me!
Well thank you for the recommendation i know what I'm gonna be buying
Who is the author?
@@anonimochenta4439 Lindsay C. Gibson. It’s a really spectacular book. Highly recommend it as well.
This book was insightful. I checked it out at the library - the audiobook version actually! Listening to it hit different
Our mothers are our first mirrors, reflecting what they think of us. It's very powerful stuff.
And also father's !
projecting
Yeah no, this has nothing to do with the kid. Its the adults issues affecting the child
@@whitelutik Yes true, it's the adult.. but"mirroring"is when the mom holds space by acknowledging your emotions by holding space, mimicking in a sense(empathy). It starts as little babies, the mom looking into the eyes of the baby, cooing etc, look up mirroring. Common in Nature w bby-child & mom. When the mom is absent, the child will become detached, lonely, depressed, isolated, have trouble expressing or even feeling their own emotions.. on & on. Neglect is powerful.. as far as the abuse though yes of course, none of this is because of the child, it's all the parent that should've sought therapy before deciding to procreate.
So many don't deserve the children they have meanwhile many sweet loving people who cherish children can't conceive
The best part is when they flip that around when you get older and expect you to know how to bring your problems to them even though all you’ve learned is that that results in them scolding you, or yelling you, or throwing a mug at your head
Literally "Why didn't you just fucking tell me you wouldn't have gotten in trouble but you didn't tell me" but if you do it doesn't change anything
This! Having issues with my 83 year old mom now begging us kids to talk to her more often after a lifetime of ridicule and emotional abuse. Ummm no thank you!!
This is why after growing up like this, I literally remind myself to not point out their wrong doings during moments when I can be connecting with them. Its so easy to nitpick as a parent but thats so harmful to kids. Leave correction for specific times and just focus on building the trust and comfort as a priority!
Literally my mom!! She’s always complaining about how I don’t talk to her or tell her anything but it’s like we never talked before? The only thing I heard from you was criticism and ridicule growing up, why would I wanna talk to you now?
Totally my dad when I told him I had made the decision of getting divorced. He kept screaming that he had given "counseling" to many church couples and asking/demanding why I never went to him for advice.
I said "because you never judged and screamed at those couples but you are starting to scream at me right now. I am an adult and make my own informed decisions. I came here to inform you of my divorce".
Even worse: when the emotionally absent mother *does* come ask how you are, but then walks away without another word when you say anything other than that you’re fine.
Yes, seems like when you isolate yourself, they come tu you fue to boredom instead of actually wanting to know how you feel.
Oh I know this one well. I was SO lonely as a child and have grown up to be a lonely adult, no matter how many people I have to interact with.
:/
I actually feel this
my narc/emotionally absent mom is weirdly the opposite. if im "fine" she walks away and has no interest in what i'm doing or will criticize me. but if there's drama or something going on suddenly she wants to not only know, but take over and try to fix it as if its her own problem. as a kid i got used to mostly only receiving attention when i was injured, bullied, sick, or upset. as well as hiding everything i was actually interested in or that made me genuinely happy from my mom out of fear she would criticize it or me for liking it.
And then they pester you for grandchildren!😂 After teaching you what a burden kids are.
Holy shit. That's my mom with my sister. I don't have kids yet..
Well said. My parents are exactly the same. They couldn't stand us. But now they are devastated they don't have grandkids. Another pressure on us.
Is this why I have no interest in kids at all and never desired to have them
Yep
I will not be rewarding my mother with children. She would tell my ex to "convince me" to want kids when I'd leave the room. She pressured my sister into having a baby with my brother in law and has been absent from my niece's life except when she babysits, during which she quickly becomes overwhelmed and distant with her. And now she's pressuring my sister to have another. What the fuck is her reasoning
That’s why we need to break generational trauma. The whole system needs to be overhauled. No child or future children need to be left behind. They grow into adults and for most, eventually have children of our own. We need balance and support, a positive community. Some of us suffer more than others, and we need to be there for everyone the best way we can. We need to break cycles and it begins at home and within our government systems. We all cannot do it alone. We have work to do! 💜
So sad how much our parents screw us up and we then have to struggle and try to put it right
this
That's the unfortunate part about this whole thing but you can still fight another day! Don't let them take you down. They've already settled into their ways..you have so much more to live for than to be someone's emotional slave.❤❤❤❤
You can say that and I know they say: jeah but your parents are from another generation they did their best and have their trauma.
Well, I have my traumatic stuff and I'm not perfect but I'm still respectful, soft hearted and not dismissive.
@@peaceofmindofpeace1650 so true
And i love the comments around here it makes me feel less alone 😊
I think it is a Both/And kind of thing… we can be utterly devastated by our upbringing, and our caregivers may well be the reason~
Yet they themselves would have been somehow wounded or poorly raised in their own right, or they would not have abused or neglected their children as they have. It’s an unhappy lineage, isn’t it?
And yet, we can begin to change that our very selves, in the way that we parent our children… and re-parent ourselves… and in the ways that we do our work and teach or care for others. Once we successfully trace back to the root of the problem, we might benefit from remaining there just long enough to work through our understanding, and then to let go of the blame. Then we can fully move forward without anger or shame tying us to the past.
With an inventory of our skills, dreams and intentions, we can meet ourselves where we are, and let our potential take us forward, while enriched and humbled by the stories that show us the arc of human experience.
Forgive my waxing poetic though~ there appears to be a disseminating moon above me 😎.
"I want connect with other people I just won't have any idea how because you don't connect with me or yourself."
Damn that hit me hard:(
This is an affliction of every Gen X person I know.
@@nycgingercat Yep… this is me🙄
Did you ever think the parent wanted to connect with the child but they themselves weren’t ever taught how…..?
It’s really not hard to give someone a hug and ask how they are. It’s not hard to genuinely care about someone. If that’s something that you have to learn, you should have never had kids to begin with. Completely selfish, there is no excuse. I used to make excuses until I reached the age that they were and realised I wouldn’t even treat my DOG like that, let alone a child
Try having both parents who are this way. Thank you ABBA for covering my heart 🙏🏽✨️❤️
Is it possible for an emotionally absent person to marry an emotionally demonstrative one?
Same for me Desiree. God bless you.
Same boo
This really hits home for me. I’ve been in school for the last few years and I’m finally about to graduate nursing school and I feel like I haven’t been able to give my son the attention I know he needed throughout this time. He’s still young, he’s only 4, but I feel so guilty about not always being emotionally available. I can’t wait to graduate this month so I can have more present time with him! This is a reminder to everyone that you can also be unavailable WITHOUT having the beliefs that you only have to provide a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. Some of us are actually busy but really want to try our best to be present ❤
Same. I’m a single mum and have my kids full time with no family close by. I’m always busy trying to keep up on top of things and then I’m emotionally exhausted when I’m not. It’s hard sometimes and my parents weren’t the most emotionally available parents either at least I occasionally sit down and do crafts and things with my kids. As a kid I was left alone a lot.
If I might suggest, take your son for walks. Don’t make anything special about it. It’s a relaxing way to just chat. Sometimes there will be something important and other times it’s just about a caterpillar crossing the sidewalk. It’s a good time to just listen where there’s no pressure to create anything, be anything or do anything. Just a nice walk at least once a week. Maybe every Saturday or Sunday morning followed by breakfast.
Won’t you be working after you graduate? You have to find time.
I remember thinking it was so weird that other kids' parents would actually listen to them and want to know what they're thinking and feeling without judgement 😆 It was a foreign concept to me. I'm so grateful that this information is widely acceptable now and our generation has the unprecedented opportunity for mass healing. It truly is amazing. We can be free and whole in a way previous generations couldn't ❤
Also just like... Doing things for them when they're both there. Every time I went to someone elses home and their parents offered to do something for me or gave me a snack themselves I broke a little inside
@@aff77141 i was immediately suspicious...wats the power angle here?
@@aff77141even as an adult, when my newer friends or any of my friends’ parents offer me something, even as a guest, even if I would enjoy it, I just kind of automatically frantically backpedal into extreme polite refusals because I don’t know how to accept.
I agree
@@aff77141I remember going through this 😢
"Tolerated" but not "Accepted", is the phrase I think a lot of these kids would explain their future relationships with parents like this.
Exactly-especially if you're in any way out of their (aka general wasp american) norm. Lgbtq, different beliefs than theirs, alternative style, not an academic mastermind, not interested in high paying jobs--they'll slowly say 'well, that's okay I *guess*' and the undertone is always clear that they mean for /other/ people, but not you
Perfectly said. We settle for that in every relationship.
My exact experience with my mother. I left home when I was 14. I'm 57 and still struggle with anxiety and depression. The impact that has on you is difficult to recover from no matter how consciously you try.
This absolutely resonates with me. My mother was also emotionally and verbally abusive. I’m so thankful I’ve learned from her what not to do with my children. I’m not perfect, but I’m working to be a good parent for my daughters. Work in progress.
This is the BEST thing you can do! Break the curse. Your kids will be so grateful (maybe unknowingly for a while) ❤️
The saddest part is when you try to connect with them and ask them about their day and how much you love them but they just seem to be annoyed and waiting for your interaction with them is over.
"if they would understand that easily, the problems would have not arisen in the first place. "
I heard it in a "school of life" video. I always think about it, when scene like you describe happen.
I was this parent, but I realized it's because I'm Autistic and never should have reproduced in the first place. Had I had a proper upbringing and better sex education, maybe that would have helped.
EDIT: If y'all don't stop assuming shit, I stg. My adult children and I are on good terms now. They've understood and accepted my apologies and that I am autistic and was used and abused by the sperm donors they call their dad.
Kindly eat rocks.
@@m00nAlways0nMedo not blame it only on autism, while it may have been a factor, it is not the full cause. Part of it is still you
@@m00nAlways0nMebabe it’s still your responsibility to get the proper therapy/help and not be a shitty parent.
@@m00nAlways0nMe"and never should have reproduced" i really hope you worded that wrong. otherwise that's... pretty heartbreaking. not for you, but for your kid.
I remember when I was a kid and when my parents would talk to me I would wonder what was wrong and feel uncomfortable (especially if they were being nice). It felt like when a CEO visits your shitty retail business location and tries to act like a friend.
That’s a fucking awesome comparison. Or when the president visits Katrina 😂
@@lindboknifeandtooli felt this in my soul escpecially bc i was at camp w/ my family and friends cause we just escaped smth else AND ALL OF A SUDDEN IT STARTS RAINING AND A BIG ASS WAVE HITS US ALL LIKE WHAT THE HECK IS GOING OONNNNN
(im sorry for ranting its just *sigh* *that thing* was crazy and scary as hell ngl. I was just barely 3 btw if that helps put anything into perspective)
I can hard relate to walking on eggshells because your parents constantly move the goal posts. My mother refused to ever admit that she was wrong or didn't know something and was constantly gaslighting me (I never said that, you're remembering it wrong, why would I lie?). It's makes it so stressful as an adult to trust people or even your own instincts. Like even actually at work I'll be low key wondering if I'm doing well or if I'm being secretly set up to fail.
So many parents today too while sitting on phones probably watching these videos completely oblivious that they're engaged in this behavior...making this sadder. Just heard a teen girl in a store tell her friend that she can't tell her mom anything because all she does when home is stare at her phone. "She makes me feel invisible" she said. Definitely has me checking my own behavior as a parent 😢
Good point. I am guilty of this when my kids chatter away when I am in the middle of doing something on my phone, it's so easy to ignore them while staring at a screen. I am trying to make a conscious effort to give them eye contact or if I have missed what they say I ask them to repeat it and apologize to them.
@@blondegiraffe2023Good on you for realizing it and making changes. My husband and I are in the same boat, trying to engage less in phones or the TV when our son is awake. It can be so hard some days though.
Boy, does this ever hit the nail on the head. When my emotional absent mother died, not one of her four children shed a single tear. What a legacy to leave behind.
Realizing how much my mom was there for me. I’m gonna go give her a hug.
you are lucky :)
nobody asked
@@Beatz_by_Tp_the_donjust bc you're miserable doesn't even people can't be happy
I’m jealous, cherish her💖💖💖
@@Beatz_by_Tp_the_donoh bloody hell, quit being so sour just because mommy never showed you the attention you needed as a kid and genuinely consider therapy
This is how I was raised.....it's also how I started raising my kids. Literally heard my mom fall out of my mouth and knew things had to change. I make it a point to ask how my kids days are, give them advice when they ask for it. I do try very hard to connect with them. My kids are a blessing to me, and I never want to mistreat my blessings. They deserve an emotional connection as much as I did, so it's a must to make sure that connection is there.
Can I ask a very personal question? I don't have kids out of fear of turning into mother. Is there ever a part of you that ever feels or thinks that it's unfair that your kids are getting what you didn't?? Not in anyway that's bad or towards your kids just as a general thought?
thank you for putting in the extra effort to try to break the cycle
@@alyseh9539I almost feel like it could be healing in a way to see your kids blossom in ways you weren't allowed to. Coming from someone who also doesn't have kids lol.
Thank you for having this awareness and changing for the betterment of your children. What seems like such a small thing is a HUGE foundation for their growth and well being💜
@@alyseh9539People are aware of that feeling,which is a kind of jealousy from childhood deprivation. Just see it for what is is, that it's a reaction to the presence of children, it's going to remind you of the hat you didn't get. As long as you understand that the cycle ends with you, you'll be fine. Children are designed to need their parents for a certain number of years, and this can be triggering. It's wise that you can actually admit to, and know WHAT you are feeling. It's a good sign, such self- honesty. If this affects how you interact with the kids,that's another story. It means you have unresolved trauma,and need therapy for it.
This. I had a miscarriage at 23 weeks gestation and haven’t told my mom about it to this day. Literally the hardest thing I’ve been through in my life but I figured it wasn’t even worth mentioning to her, she’s never been emotionally supportive.
I’m grateful for everything my parents did for me. They kept me clothed and fed for 18 years. Whatever emotional support they didn’t provide is irrelevant. They did the best they could at the time and all is forgiven.
Best comment! I’m grateful for my parents too and hope my kids are grateful for me. It’s hard providing all them time much less entertaining them too.
So you are grateful your parents did what an orphanage would do for you? Even animal shelters do that for cats and dogs.
Irrelevant? Ok 👍
The definition of "I shouldn't have had kids. But I did anyways "
@@KAY.BEE1If a person is calling out bad parenting or abuse, that's not being " judgemental." Black parents insist on the free pass being an abusive parent, simply because it's a tradition, and the mistaken belief that only White parents are loving to their children, or never beat them. Small wonder that America has the highest rates of child abuse among Western countries !! And the prisons are full of formerly abused children,who grew up. Even in Africa and the Caribbean this also true.
@@KAY.BEE1 what???
Bro i asked her did you make me for social Money and she Said YES
@@KAY.BEE1wtf???
@@KAY.BEE1wth???????
big hugs for anyone else who burst into tears just hearing this....
Hugs! ❤
Ain't got no tears left to crYyY...
Yup
🤗😥🤗
I felt gut punched by the reality of this video... because it was my experience. I am the youngest of seven children. But even if it was just me, I still think my Mom would have been the same way. She suffered her own trauma. How could she give to me what she couldn't give herself? I'm still healing and ALLOWING all those bottled up feelings to have a voice. I LOVE ME as a child NOW. I am very aware and loving with my child... Even when I mess up with her, I apologize and we talk about our feelings. I don't ever want her to feel invisible. And I want to show that parents are still people learning about themselves and growing, just like her. Therapy has helped me years ago. And now channels like this are AMAZING TOOLS to help me understand things EVEN MORE! I FEEL SO SEEN!♥️♥️♥️ Love to all those having the courage to tackle inner work...YES-YOU ARE AMAZING!🥰
This child is advanced! 😂
It’s even worse when you’ve been neglected emotionally as a child and my mom seems to connect with her bf without any problems ☠️
This hit me too hard. These are the words that I've never been able to come up with to describe my childhood and why I'm an adult with a ridiculous need to be seen and acknowledged.
I feel you so, so hard. I grew up and realized 'oh shit', a while ago. I'm missing pieces and trying to learn things from childhood I didn’t even know existed.
Keep going and be your own parent. Give yourself everything you need inside and out.
Same experience, opposite outcome. I prefer being discreet. lack of self love and knowledge on how ntl deal with my emotions.
it wasn’t your fault, please know this!!! also you were just a kid and you deserved so much more. i hope you’re doing better these days
My life just flashed before my eyes. Holy hell.
Sendin you strength. It’s now up to you to meet your emotional, psychological, mental and physical needs.
❤
Oh man this made me cry. This 1000% my relationship with my father. I am now in my mid-30's with no friends & I literally do not understand how to connect with people.
Thank you for putting this into the world.
Remember as a kid what you liked to do? What helped me was to find groups that did those things. Take art classes, hiking groups, swim aerobics. Go to a story telling group and learn how to tell stories. I ended up telling stories in front of 400 people.
Same
Same. Im a few weeks shy of 30. No friends, no job, shut in nut with depression and anxiety. My parents destroyed me.
Same here. I suck at all relationships. Therapy hasn't worked yet. I struggle to connect with my son. I have no idea how he's more confident and social then me. I must have accidentally not messed him up as much as me.
Same
This is exactly what I wanna send to my parents but I know they’ll get mad if I try to bring this up to them. We had a convo about this yesterday when my sis got yelled at for bad grades and she broke down because she knows and she’s disappointed in herself. But when I tried asking my parents to be less critical and instead try to provide comfort and help rather than direct solutions to the problem, they just started bringing up how we never ask them how their day was and we should be grateful for the things we have (in which I am very grateful and I over-repeat myself saying thank you with any minor thing they give me or allow me to do).
Living with this is like breaking both your legs and still having someone screaming and yelling at you to run.
The mom was treated the same by her own mom and her mom treated her the same. Its hard to break the generational cycle of neglect.
100% 😢
It’s easy if you don’t have a kid
It isn't hard if you realise the problem exists. It's hard when people don't understand this and never try to change it.
It is. I broke the cycle with my kids but it was often tough to know where to draw the line between letting them go and smothering them. 😅.
Exactly. I plan to adopt in the future and I want to do better than my parents did
I am a 50 year old woman and you've just thrown my childhood in my face. Mom's gone now but this validates a lot of things I've been thinking about these last few years. Thank you!!
Sista far sure she is a War child, or grew up straight after WW II. Absolutely same here to many Germans. 🙄
I showed my Adoptive Mom how to hug with 28. She was easy 60 something back then.
At least her Daughter got a hug the next day.
My Sis never dared to ask before. 😢
The same for me. I'm 57. My Mum died last year and I realized I didn't really know her that well. She was evacuated as a child during the war and had a hard time. It affected her confidence around people. I just don't think she was good at expressing her emotions. It's like she was in the house when she was alive but not actually present with me. I envy girls today who have great relationships with their Mums.
I am 45 and completely understand this. Sending hope.for healing! ❤
Same, but I'm 37 and my mom is still upright. Just as unaccountable and absent as ever....it's a shame. No grandma for my daughter or great grandma for my grandson.
@@heatherg5006I’m sorry to hear that. I’m 53 and my mom is still here. It will never get better
This is a good explanation! How people were mostly raised was being dismissive/ignorant and judgmental about their own child’s feelings. They never really raised us up until now very well without us bottling our feelings, and Parents usually don’t raise with transparency of feelings.
And those raised under those like that struggled with Empathy, Sympathy and being Compassionate. And parents usually aren’t really all that ready to learn the faults and holes in their parenting, and being reliable for emotional insights.
This also leads the child to rely on those they trust more ((Like friends or other adults)) for the love, affection, and validation aswell.
Some also learn to become emotionally and physically detached from people like not being all that physically affectionate with people and Empathetic as in having the difficulty with relating or with trying to comfort a person.
The parents can be judgemental towards their kids explaining a situation that is distressing them. They can tend to emotionally neglect their child in such a way they cause a sort of smaller traumatic type of things that can build up overtime and sometimes cause them to develop mental conditions.
Also relatable quote; “EEESNV”-??
Emotional Sympathy?(I’ll edit it when I remember it), Emotional Neglect and Emotional validation.
The constant reminder “ES”. The consistent experience “EN” and the lack of “”EV”
Brutal honesty.
People, love your children well.
I was born in the 70s gen X. My boomer mom came up to me and actually said these things to me and said it’s because her father/mom never gave her that attention and it just feels weird and uncomfortable for her. I was only like 7 or 8 but we had a long discussion about it and idk why but it made me feel good. It was my first “adult” convo with my mom.😅 in the end her point was “I love you so much and would do anything for you” even if I do not physically show you all the time. It just helped is all I’m trying to say for parents who may struggle with this…
See that’s wonderful.. it’s important to communicate, take accountability, and be honest with someone no matter their age. Like you said, you appreciated that “grown up/ real talk” kind of conversation. you learned that her boundaries weren’t a punishment or caused by something you did. you also learned that everyone has a different way of showing love! thank you for sharing!
Heck yeah! This kinda thing is really harmful because of the uncertainty it creates; if your mom told you directly that she had a hard time with those interactions but made sure you knew for certain how much she cared about you and how you felt, then she still did the job - she just used different tools. 🥺
My mom did some substitutions like that too and I’m really well adjusted because she was aware of her blind spots and let me know that… well, that they were HER blind spots and not MY deficits. ❤
This is me with my kids. It’s very very hard for me. I pray often about it and know realize that I am doing it sometimes and I try and figure out how to correct it but it is so hard sometimes.
It’s really cool to hear (from a kid perspective) that you liked those types of convos. Thanks for sharing.
I constantly tell my kids this
This hit home. Excuse was well you had a home, food and basic necessities. Love and affection are also necessities. Freedom from constant criticism and emotional abuse is a must too.
YES, THANK YOU
OMG
I'm crying inside, because I just don't want to hurt myself doing it externally. Why did we not get these necessities? Why couldn't we just have real parents who know/knew how to give us these things we need?
Parenting should be under a license, like driving and gun control. It cannot be fucking like this anymore. There needs to be a way to ensure you can break the cycle of trauma torture for good. At least I got my tubes fixed, so I will never fall prey to emotionally needing a therapist out of my birthed child when I'd want to genuinely love them without lasting hangups getting in the way of our relationship. Sometimes I've actually wanted to make my own child, but...not like that. I show my love to all of my "children" by not bringing them into such a garbage broken world. Only until it's fixed will it ever be safe.
These words could so easily be coming out of my mouth 😢🫂
Werd. Narcissistic parents can’t feel empathy and or sensitivity.
Yep and then you get demonized for complaining about lack of support while having the necessities
@@DemonPikachuWhy the duck would you want to say that? It's such a "wholier than thou" comment. There are so many people learning to try to heal that trauma, trying to do better than, or understand themselves, society is really cruel and criticising people for going through childhood trauma in the first place, which often leads to poverty and victim blaming. Already inching close to eugenics thinking. And here you are saying what a gift it is to the world to NOT have kids if being through trauma. Your choice for YOUrself not to have children. Don't guilt other people into thinking they'd be a lesser parent too. It's like saying hell, I'm prone to get cancer because a relative had it, might chop off my breast before anything shoves up, because really not interested in working it out or taking chemo in case it won't do anything. At least you're aware, at least you know what you look for.
The difference between our parents and us is that we're at least interested in trying to get help for it, being aware of it, often spending half of our lives to get the help NOT to redo what they did.
I dreamt of having my own family my whole life, to love them like nothing else.
So shut up.
I've heard your kind of argument again and again. The lower one goes on the financial ladder, the higher it sounds. "How irresponsible bringing a kid to it all would be".
No-one ever talks about how corrosive it is having lots of love but nowhere to go except dreaming in another dimension
Because life here on earth is fucking meaningless.
So shut the fuck up about your tubes. It doesn't make you a better human or "sacrificing to better good"
It does nothing to humanity but makes less children of those who are at aware and know what they longed for. It won't change a thing in a bigger picture. It just makes the privileged more privileged.
It is your choice. Don't guilt people into thinking it should be theirs too.
Thank you for doing these videos. They always make me cry but they’re validating.
Your videos have helped me be more empathetic towards my mom and understanding how she also coped as a child is the way she taught me how to cope as a child :(
My mother was exactly the same way. She escaped to her corner of the house and let us exist on our own. When I was 58, I told her that I didn’t recall a time when she sat with me to discuss what was on my mind or give me loving advice in anything. It’s sad to know this was my childhood. I’m 62 now. I’m learning how to heal from the neglect and abuse if my childhood.
What was her response if she had one?
@@nicp2994 she replied “you’re right.”
^
I hope you can heal and break the pattern, and be present for everyone you love in your life. Wishing you the best 🙏🏼
That wasn’t neglect or abuse. You expecting too much. I was raised same way and don’t feel like I was neglected or abused. It gave me place to grow, independence , had friends to talk to .What is wrong with ppl, they reach 60 and decide to bitch at the poor parents .
I remember the very very intense feeling as a kid, of wanting to be hugged and comforted so bad but never having that. I found out as an adult that my mom knowingly didn’t, because she thought it would make me too “soft”.
So anyway, I have a wonderful partner now who shows more affection and support than she ever did. It’s honestly been really healing
I'm so surprised how many people don't talk with their kiddos of hug them 😢 not a day goes by that I don't hug talk with or say I love you to my kids...I can't I don't understand how one couldn't 😢 my parents were loving but very critical... I didn't feel I could talk with them and while they did hug me and tell me they loved me it was not very often, but it was there none the less. sending out big hugs to all those that need it! Keep striving to make your corner of the world a better place, be the person you want to be and always look forward not behind. Remember you don't need anyone to validate who you are, as long as you validate yourself. ❤️
i'm so glad for you!
and i'm isolating myself, currently
hope everything s gonna be good soon 🤞🏽
Narcissistic parents do this all the time. Then they trot out the " being too soft" or the " sensitive" label, as excuses. Parent like these needs to be shunned,if they're still unpleasant.
The mother’s expression in the last second was the “run now” moment because now shes gonna justify her life choices as she unbottles on me
Describes my dad perfectly. I’ve tried everything to mend our relationship but nothing works.
My mom was emotionally absent. It took me years to figure out how much that affected me. I recently confronted her about it. Her excuse, “well, I wasn’t shown love or affection by my parents.” I guess it just got passed down. Cycle ends with me tho. I’m pregnant and my kid is going to know sooo much love and compassion
Not an excuse, it's a reason. She needs therapy too because she normalized it.
@@misschin99thank you!!! I told my mom the same thing!
I hear you. She isn’t going to change. Just love your children the best you can. Also, love yourself and move on.
@@Yeah_You_Thoughtdon't be too sweet or they'll eat you
@@Iceis_Phoenix lol
This is 1000% my dad every single day.
He always provides for me financially but gaslights me almost everyday over the smallest things and doesn't know how to show people his affection and love 😢
this
the threats of taking away things or not paying for something because you choose to love people around you they don’t want you to, is so fucking hard bro. It just feels wrong. I will always love people hard because I know what it feels like to not be loved the way I need.
My dad is the same! 😃 it sucks so much. 😞😔
Same with my dad homie. Youre not alone, i understand bro😢
My dad is similar. He acts like i don't live up to my potential while simultaneously treating me like I'm not capable of doing so. Then he gives me a hard time about how I turned out. Like dude you were supposed to raise ME. Gaslight was a good choice of words
Wow-why you gotta explain my whole life like that 😭
This was my mom. Growing up I don’t remember her ever playing with me and she made a clear boundary of personal space and we all had our own rooms. She’s so loving and wonderful and truly did the best she could but man was she super critical and some days didn’t have much to say unless she was tearing into me for something I did wrong.
I was the emotionally absent parent. My daughter is the one who pointed it out to me. I've been working on myself for years and getting better and giving her the support she needs. There are many factors as to why I was emotionally absent and none of them have anything to do with not loving or caring for my daughter. I didn't know how to show love. I was never shown love. I do my best every day to show up for her tho!
To help you understand your daughter’s perspective a little more: Would you stay with a man who loves you but cannot show it at all, and is completely unable to meet your emotional needs? If you were really in a relationship like that, how long would you stay in it for?
Probably not very long. It would be soul-crushing to live with someone like that. Since they don’t know how to show love, your spirit would not be nourished; you would be very starved for affection and comfort and care.
The only difference is, you can’t break up with your mother and find a new, better mother who can meet your needs.
Your poor daughter.
I’m not trying to guilt you, but to help you realise how difficult it must be for your daughter. It’s good that you’re conscious and aware, and improving yourself. Don’t be consumed by guilt, but feel empathy for your daughter.
@@TofuTeo oh, I completely understand her perspective on many levels. My parents ignored me, which taught me that's how things are supposed to be. In turn, I grew up and was in relationships with men who ignored me and treated me horribly when they gave me 'attention'. Up until my daughter was born, I didn't realize a lot of things, sadly. Her dad was the worst and unfortunately I didn't realize that until after she was born. She's 9 now and I've learned a lot being her mom. I left her dad when she was young and when she learned to talk she told me how my actions, or lack of them, made her feel. Knowing where she is coming from, I completely understood and felt horrible. That's not how I wanted to be. It was a difficult change for me, not because of her, but I was stuck in a household with my dad and brother and they did everything they could to take everything I had. My money, time, sanity, everything. I barely could pay attention to my child because they wouldn't allow it. I wasn't even allowed time for myself. It got to the point they would shut off the water if I tried to shower. Or if I tried to do laundry they would interrupt it, take my clothes out, and do laundry so I couldn't. The bills were over $1000 a month and I was the only one paying them, plus buying all groceries, giving rides on my dime and would be laughed at for asking for gas money. I had to work 10-12 hour shifts to come home and clean just so I could feed my daughter and I because they would use every dish as quickly as possible we also had dogs they refused to let out, letting them go potty all over the house, which was mostly dried by the time I got home. I refused to eat with all that around so at 11pm I'd have to come home, clean all that and more, finally be able to eat and go to bed by maybe 2-4am and then had to be up at 7 for daycare and work. These things were done intentionally to me. Why? Good question, I'd love to know that too. Anyway, we finally got out of all that and I've been healing and working to be a better parent. I'm not perfect. I also found a wonderful man who I've been with for 6 years and he also helps me realize a lot from her perspective. She has parents who love her very much. Her dad is out of the picture, but that's where he belongs. I wake up every day with the intention of doing better for my daughter.
@@ragedpuma7564 Mothers who haven't learnt the lesson of loving and respecting themselves -- and that includes not allowing yourself to be mistreated by others, or overworked, or exploited -- fail to teach their daughters self-love and respect too. If you constantly abandon yourself, you will also abandon your daughter, and also be a terrible role model for her (teaching her that self-abandonment is normal, or even good)
Let this be a warning to all mothers reading this. Self-abandonment, inability to love and respect yourself, failture to stand up to your abusers etc. -- those things not only harm you, but also your children.
My mother's failure to protect me had to do with her failure to protect herself. And her failure to love me also had to do with her failure to love and take care of herself. Not to mention my mother was also deeply insecure and full of self-hatred and self-flagellation, which made her a narcissistic and unloving mother during stressful times.
All the things you described above of your plight -- those are not normal situations. You stayed a helpless victim in them for too long, and your poor daughter was dragged alongside. You lacked the faith and courage and wisdom to get OUT of those situations sooner.
You can only love others well if you know how to love yourself well. If you abandon yourself and put up with mistreatment, you will allow your daughter to be mistreated too -- she turns into a helpless victim like you, instead of an empowered person.
You let yourself work crazy hours and barely get enough rest to function and be sane. I'm sure there were reasons for it, but if you had acted in faith and self-love, and prioritised your needs, you would've likely found out that life actually takes care of itself. "The bills were over $1000 a month and I was the only one paying them, play buying all groceries, giving rides on my dime" -- Now why would you do that? Especially when you were the income-earner and could've just kicked them out assertively, or moved to a new place (if they refused) to build a peaceful life for you and your daughter? Being self-abandoning for family members who don't reciprocate your kindness is not "noble self-sacrifice"; it's a lack of self-love and self-respect, which will have deleterious effects.
@ragedpuma7564 As an adult with an emotionally absent father (and to an extent, mother), and severely narcissistic mother: *I APPLAUD YOU.* You don't know how rare it is in this situation for you to hear, process, and strive to change and do better. That means more than you will ever know. Keep up the great work. You are doing wonderful. I'm sure your daughter appreciates it 💙💙
Oh hon, i feel you.
I am kinda absent to my eldest and try my damnest to combat it everyday. It's very hard for me to connect and bond with him, he was born when i wasn't ready for a child, i did try my best for him, but i think it isn't enough.
It's not helping that both of us are neurodivergent, he doesn't like being touched since little, and that makes bonding more difficult for me who craves touches. We are under going therapy at the moment because i want the best for him, but my delivery sometimes gets lost in translation.
this is what my mom was like and it's permanently damaged my psychological health. I'm 29 and still struggling with my "mommy issues"
same. it's ruined 90% of my friendships. you're not alone.
same here.
Same, although for me its emotionally distant daddy issues and my mum is just a narcissistic compulsive liar.
i understand. stay safe. you got this.
i'm sorry. you're not alone in your experience.@@MagentaDinosaurs
I love this but just have to say the little girl's hair is sending me lmaoo
If a parent is ALWAYS emotionally distant, there's something seriously going wrong.
I remember a while back a lot of people were liking the scene in Fences where Denzel Washington plays a dad and they have a whole talk where the son is like, “i fee like you’ve never loved me once.” And Denzel’s character is just like,” “Good, that’s not my job. I’m supposed to feed and clothe you, I don’t have to _like_ you.”
And I just remember the heartbreak I get seeing so many people being like, “finally, someone gets it. That’s how real men parent their kids!”
It sucks that so many people genuinely can’t see how they’re failing their kids so badly when they do shit like this.
toxic masculinity.......
Yeah that is kinda of sad considering one of the themes of the movie was letting go of anger and hate caused by the trauma imparted on you by your parents so your children don't have to deal with those same traumas.
But people watching just a UA-cam short may not have the context of having seen the whole film so what can you do.
The "I may love you, but I don't like you" line... Legit, if kids are reflections of the parents behaviour/person. What they're saying I guess, is they're saying really, is they neither love nor like themselves one bit.
Exactly.
The part about not being able to connect with others because of parents not connecting with children finally puts words to what I've been experiencing. Thank you for shedding light on topics like this🙏
Yes. This is me, now recently having became an adult. Still have no idea how to connect with other people
Same
The circle goes round and round
Oh so that's why
This made me realize that both my parents are emotionally absent with me. They are always there but most interaction are them asking me to do some chores with irritated voice or when they are reprimanding me
I’m 31. My dad has always been like this. But by now, I’ve accepted him for it. I don’t blame him at all for being completely reserved because my grandmother was the same way. Do I wish I had his affection growing up? Sure. But I know he just loves me in his own way.
Wow, thank you for this! As a parent it's wonderful to see kids that realize that parents struggle too, and in all reality, we mean no harm.
This is why people have to remind me I’m important to them and that I’m not an inconvenience
I literally hate myself so much that I subconsciously withdraw from people until they forget about me
Yep same.
@@TheDaniela3112 I’ve isolated myself for many years.
Same. I don't want to be an inconvenience or burden. It's taken years to stop saying sorry for everything
Ok and? Grow and pair the world really don’t revolve around you at all.
my partner was parented like this. She is so so loved and valued now, but of course it doesn't totally undo the trauma of the past. To everyone who lived through this: your thoughts, opinions, feelings, joys and struggles matter, and you deserve support, connections and gentleness ❤
Don't believe you. I don't deserve anything.
❤
Thank you ❤
@@Hi_BrienYes, yes you do! YOU MATTER! ❤
(And... I love your hat-flipping!) 🧢
relatable, as a child I felt like my mom wanted me to grow up fast cause she had many older kids and when we could start doing things together is when she really was there
Wow! This video sums up my entire childhood and teen years completely! Good job hitting the nail on the head!
Thank you for finally explaining whats been going on between my mother and i since i was little. It been plaguing my mind for weeks. This is why i feel like dont have a mother. Weirdly my mum only did this for me. Shes much more involved with my siblings.
Emotional absent parents will not even hold this kind of conversation ever.
yeah I actually did have it once and then nothing changed and they acted like we never spoke. 😍 I guess they were just bored or smth ☺️
Exactly… it’s more like ,” mmm k.”” Or ,” can you wash that apoon?” While you’re pouring your heart out
Or they’ll pick up the phone and call a friend… because they have to.
Or turn around and listen to the other emotionally abusive parent who casually says something like “ check out this picture,”
Pretty much anythjng is more important than you- when you’re about to say something heartfelt and full of aignificance
My dad it's just like "this is who I am and I would never change" 🤡
My mother was emotionally unavailable throughout my entire childhood. I always thought she didn’t like my personality or just me in general. She’d go weeks without speaking to me if she was mad and I’d have to eat dinners by myself during these times too. Because of this I became very independent and I’m grateful for that but I was always really lonely. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I understood things that a little child never could. My older brother died at 4 by falling into the lake during a church event. My father had already left us and by this time she was finalizing the divorce. She was a single mother trying to juggle the pain and heartache of losing a marriage and a child while still having to care for me too. As an adult I can understand now it was too much heartache for her to handle all alone. After years of separation she finally reached out to me and laid all her demons out. She didn’t want to live. After Joey died she said she felt like she died with him. She only held on because I was there. She tried and I’m proud that she held on.
Awe I’m sorry for your loss I’m sure it was hard for you too, you’re amazing at the empathy you have for your mother ..you’re a beautiful soul
Sending you much love and hugs! I admire your heart! I hope you can connect now and create good memories for the two of you!
Your poor mum ❤
Many stories are like this! Our parents don't hate us. They are only doing the best they can.
It really is true that they do the best they can. It's just never perfect. ThanQ for sharing and tearing me up
My Dad’s like this. He’d tried to be present, in a more “how was your day” if I’m sitting right there next to him and “let’s play a game together that I like” once in a while sort of sense. When it came down to actual feelings and trying to address a problem… he’d either lecture you and turn it into you are the problem about something, or he would get reactive to your emotion, not knowing how to handle them, and tell you to stop having them so he could try and use logic. Problem is, the issue was emotional, so the moment emotions are shut off, there is no more problem, temporarily. And it never gets fixed. It’s a cycle.
He was hard to understand. My Mom often called him a ‘robot’ because he simply refused to ever get mad at her. He got mad plenty of times at me, but that’s because I hadn’t learned to disassociate, and cried all the time uncontrollably due to undiagnosed issues nobody knew were prevalent and frankly rather glaringly obvious in hindsight.
OMG. MY DAD. This explains so much 😭 recently healing childhood trauma and this HIT. Thanks for this. ❤ love to all gone through something similar may we all heal soon 😭 x
This is exactly what my relationship with my parents was like. Any time I’ve tried to talk to them about it as an adult, they only focus on the fact that they “did” so much for me as a kid, and not the fact that they were never really there. Half the stuff they “did” was stuff I couldn’t care less about anyways and only happened to make them look like good parents from the outside. Stuff they could brag to their friends and coworkers about, meanwhile I spent my entire childhood stressed, depressed, and basically raised by video games and the internet. I have massive difficulties as an adult and granted, am old enough where I should take responsibility for my own failings, but I deeply resent that I was granted “artificial” parents meanwhile others had the real thing.
Thanks for sharing. Sometimes our parents don't have a clue about our feelings. (I now understand why I listen more to other people than my parents. And why we get influenced by social media so much)
I totally relate. What makes it even kore frustrating is that my parents had bad childhoods, so youd think they wouls learn from it and be better parents.
@infinitum8558 that's why they say "you can't pour from an empty cup" do the dreaded question is "how will we be as parents" then the cycle continues. I like to be a parent one day so I'm working on my healing.
@@infinitum8558They probably were abused in other ways and thought they were doing better by not abusing their children physically or sxlly. They didn't know about emotional neglect back then... heck, most people don't know about it today. They couldn't give what they were never given themselves.
THIS! Just today I had a discussion about this with my mother. I tried to explain to her how in the past she didn't teach me to be vulnerable with her, and she kept saying "so you're trying to say how I was the worst mother in the world... I did so much for you!" ... Like you should really get outta your own ass and listen to me once, instead of getting butthurt about me saying ONE negative thing about her. And btw it was her who started the convo, not me... -.-
Ugh that “not being able to connect with others because you never connect with me” was crippling for me, didn’t make a single friend in school or otherwise until I was *15* and even then it was another socially awkward kid taking me under their wing 😅
I didn't usually keep friends from school to school year usually they were almost entirely a new set of people and unless someone said their name often enough I didn't always know their names or I knew the nickname that other people called them because we rarely had classes together. I spent time in the library in middle school so I didn't have to connect with kids who had already rejected me at that point.
Now as a mom myself I am trying to connect with other people but we had to let go of friends, my husband and I, because we got tired of doing all the work all of the time to maintain a friendship. My husband and I are best friends and this whole marriage thing has made it easy for us to almost feel like we are just hanging out every day, parenthood has changed it a ton as well as other life changes. But even with kids we try and make things fun for them and we have issues with not inconveniencing others with our kids because some people had our introduction to parenthood made us and our babies unwelcome in a lot of places so we feel they aren't really welcome in many places at all still as they have gotten older. I miss being able to go on dates and have time where it is just my husband and I but it seems like we have kids who act like they need us exactly when we want to be left alone with just each other.
Sorry I am rambling a lot, but I get where you are coming from, finding it hard to maintain friendships during school and now well past my school years.
I would die if my daughter felt like this. Nothing I love more than watching her play or do anything. She’s the apple of my eye.
This was my father. He was always there, as he was mostly retired (was 50 when I was born) but never emotionally there. The most I would hear from him was if he disapproved of something I did. Many times he’d talk to my mom and she’d tell me. Thankfully she was interested in me, but she also parentified me by confiding in me from a young age about her unhappiness in the marriage. At least I don’t bottle up my feelings. But I do feel resentment to this day about it.
My mom screamed at me in January and accused me of only ever seeing her as a “coin purse” (she’s the breadwinner in our family while my dad was a stay-at-home parent who hopped between teaching jobs as I got older, so my mom paid for our insurance and all other expenses). When she asked me what the word “mom” meant to me, I literally couldn’t answer her. She was emotionally absent but still expected me and my brothers to take care of her emotionally when we weren’t even equipped to take care of ourselves emotionally. I’m 23 and I still don’t know what moms are supposed to do other than make money while the dad stays home or stay home while the dad makes money. Because of her being emotionally neglectful while also parentifying me and my brothers, I ended up with a disorganized (also called anxious-avoidant or fearful-avoidant) attachment style, which I’m in therapy trying to fix. Basically I crave closeness and emotional safety, but the idea of it is scary because it’s not familiar to me, so I lose touch with my own emotions and others’ emotions. My brain tends to shut down when emotions are high. It’s also extremely difficult for me to ask for help or even identify what my needs are because I wasn’t taught how to do that as a kid and I learned that the only person I could trust was myself. Emotionally absent parents cause real harm, even if they don’t realize it.
"what does the word mom mean to you?" damn that's some narcissistic bs. I'm so sorry for you. Like she needs to look in a mirror and ask HERSELF that question.
You just described how I am currently after dealing with my dad for so long. He is emotionally absent but is good at faking like he isn't. He'll say he loves me and is proud of me, but his actions don't show real investment in me and the things I care about, and conversations with him are always about himself and his interests. He used to mock my interests growing up and still looks down on them.
Honestly this sounds like a parent in survival mode
It is; my mother is like this, she became like this once my fathers alcoholism really kicked in and she had to do the single mother thing. I personally think single mothers have a very slim, slim chance of producing emotionally healthy children. They're either too emotionally burnt out, or, just physically not there enough because they have to provide like the absent male is supposed to be doing.... its very sad. It's why two parent households are the best households for raising healthy children.
Definitely survival mode. There's a spectrum of severity, too. There are single parents who do give the emotional needs, so don't put a huge blanket over the single parents.
For me, significant grief put me in the emotionally absent parenting group. In hindsight, I can see the difference in how I parented before and after I "involuntarily joined the grief club." I've been healing the 12yrs of emotional absenteeism over the last 3 years and the ripple effect to my kids has been profound. Still a journey, but it's getting better all the time. I'm better equipped to deal with another tragic loss that happened a couple weeks ago and stay present for my family, especially one child who has been the most affected from the first tragedy to the recent one.
It's Earth School and we all have a curriculum for life to experience individually and collectively 💝
Survival mode or not, the kids shouldn't feel it so much. Stop the cycle and excuses.
@@Cuntspiracy2.0Yes, my mom was a Single mother and was always stressed out! I passed my dysfunctions on to my kids un knowingly and just a few years back I am now seeing it… it is so painful to see that the pain I endured was passed to my precious children, it breaks my heart to know i hurt my kids like this.
Not in survival mode at 70. They have a chance to change and they won't because they just have no interest.
It was when she said that she doesn’t know how to connect with people cause her mom never connected with her that’s the part that got me, I have super bad anxiety
That makes perfect sense. People's hearts are so hardened and they are just existing...miles away from an actual connection to themselves. Conformed to the ways of the world.
realizing that i’ll never have the support/comfort from my mom that ive always wanted was the worst most painful feeling i’ve ever felt. i’ve literally begged & cried for my mom to just hug me & make me feel cared for.
Am so sorry 😢
Same ☹️
i did that the other night
I did not bag but still she knew I needed her and she ignored my feelings. I wish you all the best, because you deserve it 🫂
Literally did this today and got yelled at and berated. I'm here with you 🫂
This is why I don't have kids. The trauma stops here.
Same, it's the least and the most I can do
Smart move and at least half the planet should be doing that too ! Most people don't have the insight it takes to admit that, and act on it.
Western freak.
Omg, I’m shocked…your videos are literally my life as a kid! I thought I was making things up or was just confused😞 This is helping me so much to understand things. Thank you!🙏🏼
There’s so many excellent videos on UA-cam. We are all lucky now that there are resources at our fingertips. Don’t be too hard on your parents, you may never know how they missed out on their own childhood. Also, be discerning in what/who you follow. Not everyone doing these videos is trained in mental health. Some aren’t to be taken too seriously.
@@Dbb27 thank you, I will look into that. These videos are helping me in a good way. My mom was emotionally absent my whole childhood and teenage years and now I’m starting to understand why and makes me feel compassion for her. She must’ve been going through so much herself. Thanks for the reminder of being cautious, as you say, not everyone is skilled to give advice on such delicate matters🙏
This totally describe my dad. Growing up, I've become extremely lonely and anxious, especially since my mom died, so I feel like I don't have anyone on my side. I still struggle even as an adult thanks to that.
Parenting is so hard, especially when your parents had to grow up with emotionally absent parents and do the same thing to their kids. Then the cycle repeats with each generation. It takes a lot of effort to break negative parenting cycles.
Agreed which is why ppl don’t need to have kids until they fix their shit. Go to therapy, go to parenting classes or something. Eventually excuses get old. Children aren’t a right but a privilege.
Im breaking the cycle. It stops with me.
This! Preparation is key. Work on yourself befor eyou involve/add another person in the picture. That also goes with going into relationships @@alexandria3177
I broke the cycle but unconsciously. I think I was a naturally affectionate and giving person but that was stifled for years by emotionally unavailable parents.
In relationships, as an adult, I was always affection with my partner and when I had a child later in life I'm very affectionate with him - lots of hugs, kisses and physical contact (arm around his shoulder, reassuring back pat, etc).
I think it all came out naturally when the circumstances allowed for it.
I can't stop watching this
It feels so validating
Explains so much of my life so far
Yet breaks me down into physical pain
Pete Walker’s book ‘Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving’ is helpful.
Yes! I feel the same! It's validating but painful at the same time! And I feel relieved!
@@Ikr2025Is cptsd new? I ask because, I have been diagnosed numerous times over the years with PTSD. But it's impossible to pinpoint what it stems from because there have been so many incidents over a long period of time. But none of my therapists have ever mentioned this to me
Same…
Same
These videos are so very refreshingly honest that they're encouraging. Watching them shows me how simple and easy it is to do the work of making positive change while providing the best motivation to just make the change.
My mom was like this. I remember begging her to read me a book. She didn’t want to. She said just look at the pictures. They tell the story. So sad. I wanted the interaction with her. Not long after that she bought me a cassette player and books on tape to listen to. She missed the point. I remember being so pissed but I couldn’t put my feelings into words. I know she loved me but I think she was depressed.
Important to note that the parent who is emotionally absent was raised by similar parents-it’s generational trauma. Though it’s up to those in the trauma cycle to WANT to explore & change, so they can break the cycle and not continue it.
Sometimes this makes me feel better, but a lot of the time it hurts. Because I can tell that if I had kids right now, I would be the same way, so I relate. It makes me invalidate a lot of the anger I feel toward them, which just gives me more practice at not experiencing my own emotions. Just now learning that you can still feel subjective feelings toward things you have an objective understanding of-you don’t always have to be 100% justified as though you were a courtroom judge.
Agree😢 this generation trauma didn’t happen yesterday. It was finally brought to light and answered many questions. But it’s up to individual if they want to continue or stop generating more and pass it to their children.
There are more reasons why a parent can be emotionally absent than just generational trauma -- for me it's cause my mom is autistic. Which is fair, but it sucks how difficult it's been to try to connect with her
Yep… its a cycle that it is now our job to break
That's no reason or excuse!
Man, this hits super hard. My mom was the emotionally absent parent, but was always physically there. My dad, on the other hand, was barely home, but was always emotionally invested in us the times that he was home.
Same
Same 😮💨
Samesies
its the same for me too but just switched roles
Same
We should start a FREE online self-help group.
Damn, I felt that… How do I heal from the depression and anxiety it caused