talk to someone you can trust, perhaps outside of the family or at school/work. try getting in contact with a professional you feel can hear you out in a way you feel comfortable with. and remember they (your parents and their behavior), not you, are the problem here. you are valid!@@liv8509
Fr. I thought most of my life I had a perfectly fine and normal upbringing until the isolation of covid hit and anxiety blindsided me, and I had to look inward to figure out why.
UGH. I will let people crap all over me and I feel like that’s just my purpose; to be empty while constantly filling everyone else’s cup. Thanks to my emotionally absent while somehow super emotional mother.
Literally. I remember when I was a kid and more hopeful my mom would always have severe mental breakdowns to me and tell me all about her worries and depression, and because I wanted to have an actual connection and better relationship with her, I would always give her advice and have to give her counseling like an adult and one day she told me "wow you're like my personal therapist", I was 7. The other day I tried once again to "open up" and told her that I didn't like one of my classes today, and she straight up just said "okay?? why are you telling me that? why would I care?" 😐😐...
I never got hugs from my mom. The only time hugs were warranted is when she asked for them. She made me kiss her cheek one time after I had my tonsils removed. My dad got mad cause I could get sick or get her sick and then it just never happened again.
Normalization of wretched human behavior is the worst!!! Emotional abuse and neglect are still valid💔 Heal yourself and let go of people that get in the way of your healing… Even yourself. It hurts so bad that ppl don’t want to act right towards others even though children never asked to be born.
And don't forget the fact that these parents often expect their child's unconditional support and love whenever they have emotional outbursts. And they will lose it on occassion after keeping it bottled up. But it is NEVER reciprocated during the child's time of need.
Wow... I remember when my mom was diagnosed with depression and the whole family was taught what it was and how to help her and I remember as a kid I was like "Well what about me? I'm hurting too" Empty promises of help, and sweeping all the problems under the rug.
Interesting. Parenting is beyond exhausting... No one tells you the truth, but they all push for you to have kids, and then when you have them, all of your flaws are on full display for them to judge you. I raised terrific children (6 of them), but it broke me mentally and physically. Giving every piece of myself to ensure they were well-adjusted, happy, and thriving is unknowable exhaustion.
@@findmeanewplanet it's even worse when you try and still fail. Then you get to see the cascade continue in real time. The honest truth is that society pushes people to have kids when they are not ready then refuses to help at any point.
Feel it too, though later on idk what happened to my mom she kinda just changed and started to spend time with me by going on small trips every weekend
Boy, does this ever hit the nail on the head. When my emotional absent mother died, not one of her four children shed a single tear. What a legacy to leave behind.
BINGO! That's the real-life version of this conversation, in a nutshell. it starts, continues, and ends with mom talking about what a great mom she is (or, in my case, regurgitating how it's so hard to be a single mother and she's doing her best, so really she's the victim here and why are you complaining again? You should soothe ME now, child)!
Just really confused about it. My parents aren’t bad people but I’m struggling to figure out what’s wrong with me and they’re probably really burnt out and similar to me, but during Covid all they did was kick me on the ground when I was hurting and trying to help us as a family they just kicked me and beat me up and rejected me to the point where I could understand why people killed himself and that really worked. Woke me up to something I didn’t realize they’re all like that. There’s a lot whether they know it or not and unfortunately probably and meet you a lot or being not in touch with yourself a lot of inability to deal a lot of narcissism, triangulation and gaslighting and yet they would do anything for you so it gets very confusing even saying this, so it makes me feel even crazier I just don’t understand why I don’t exist and I feel crazy and I don’t know how to trust myself and it gets worse because I also have ADD and OCD and now I’m bipolar so I’m just really fuck right now like I really feel sad and I’m just lucky I don’t have energy to do something I won’t say
You also learn to be a MASSIVE people pleaser, because you crave those moments of "I'm proud of you" and have learned that that moment isn't just given, it's earned
also, when you find someone who says things like that and treats you well you can get attached, because youre not used to people being like that. i think it could make it easier to be manipulated that way too.
I had that problem when my daughter was young. I was a special ed teacher, and the kids at school needed SO. MUCH. from me that by the time I got home, I was spent. I knew it wasn’t fair, so I did everything I could to connect with her, but I know I wasn’t perfect.
That was my husband. I married him cuz he was so much fun to be around. But after marriage, he ignored me. I felt I had made a big mistake in marrying him. There's a great guy named Jonathon Aslay who makes videos about how to know if someone would be a good match for you.
It’s really not hard to give someone a hug and ask how they are. It’s not hard to genuinely care about someone. If that’s something that you have to learn, you should have never had kids to begin with. Completely selfish, there is no excuse. I used to make excuses until I reached the age that they were and realised I wouldn’t even treat my DOG like that, let alone a child
This is how I was raised.....it's also how I started raising my kids. Literally heard my mom fall out of my mouth and knew things had to change. I make it a point to ask how my kids days are, give them advice when they ask for it. I do try very hard to connect with them. My kids are a blessing to me, and I never want to mistreat my blessings. They deserve an emotional connection as much as I did, so it's a must to make sure that connection is there.
Can I ask a very personal question? I don't have kids out of fear of turning into mother. Is there ever a part of you that ever feels or thinks that it's unfair that your kids are getting what you didn't?? Not in anyway that's bad or towards your kids just as a general thought?
@@alyseh9539I almost feel like it could be healing in a way to see your kids blossom in ways you weren't allowed to. Coming from someone who also doesn't have kids lol.
Thank you for having this awareness and changing for the betterment of your children. What seems like such a small thing is a HUGE foundation for their growth and well being💜
@@alyseh9539People are aware of that feeling,which is a kind of jealousy from childhood deprivation. Just see it for what is is, that it's a reaction to the presence of children, it's going to remind you of the hat you didn't get. As long as you understand that the cycle ends with you, you'll be fine. Children are designed to need their parents for a certain number of years, and this can be triggering. It's wise that you can actually admit to, and know WHAT you are feeling. It's a good sign, such self- honesty. If this affects how you interact with the kids,that's another story. It means you have unresolved trauma,and need therapy for it.
Even worse: when the emotionally absent mother *does* come ask how you are, but then walks away without another word when you say anything other than that you’re fine.
my narc/emotionally absent mom is weirdly the opposite. if im "fine" she walks away and has no interest in what i'm doing or will criticize me. but if there's drama or something going on suddenly she wants to not only know, but take over and try to fix it as if its her own problem. as a kid i got used to mostly only receiving attention when i was injured, bullied, sick, or upset. as well as hiding everything i was actually interested in or that made me genuinely happy from my mom out of fear she would criticize it or me for liking it.
@@DK-eu2opGeez. She’s missing out. Not wanting to be seen as a single mom? How blind. At least you can authentically connect with people. Proceed with your good life. 👍
Exactly-especially if you're in any way out of their (aka general wasp american) norm. Lgbtq, different beliefs than theirs, alternative style, not an academic mastermind, not interested in high paying jobs--they'll slowly say 'well, that's okay I *guess*' and the undertone is always clear that they mean for /other/ people, but not you
@@NeverYours-c5gThe absence of those things is a criminal offense that ideally should be punished by law, that's the point. A parent who refuses to provide food and shelter doesn't have the legal right to be a parent. Doing the bare minimum required of you by national law doesn't absolve parents of wrongdoings. You are comparing abuse to even worse abuse.
@@NeverYours-c5glike kindness is free? Sure some parents struggle to provide but holding that over a child's head is abuse, which is the point here. My family lived in a tent at a campground for awhile when I was a toddler. I get it. Just because we eventually had a house doesn't mean my mother's physical, emotional and verbal abuse was like okay...
The best part is when they flip that around when you get older and expect you to know how to bring your problems to them even though all you’ve learned is that that results in them scolding you, or yelling you, or throwing a mug at your head
This! Having issues with my 83 year old mom now begging us kids to talk to her more often after a lifetime of ridicule and emotional abuse. Ummm no thank you!!
This is why after growing up like this, I literally remind myself to not point out their wrong doings during moments when I can be connecting with them. Its so easy to nitpick as a parent but thats so harmful to kids. Leave correction for specific times and just focus on building the trust and comfort as a priority!
Literally my mom!! She’s always complaining about how I don’t talk to her or tell her anything but it’s like we never talked before? The only thing I heard from you was criticism and ridicule growing up, why would I wanna talk to you now?
Totally my dad when I told him I had made the decision of getting divorced. He kept screaming that he had given "counseling" to many church couples and asking/demanding why I never went to him for advice. I said "because you never judged and screamed at those couples but you are starting to scream at me right now. I am an adult and make my own informed decisions. I came here to inform you of my divorce".
This is so true what the mum says " I provide a roof over your head and you have a warm bed". Yep I was told that all the time. I have not a single memory of being hugged by my mum or any kind of interaction physical or emotional interaction except when being told what to do
@@caroli216if every previous generation can claim having a more difficult situation growing up than the next there is no reason to reflect or try to find out what the proper way to raise children is. It’s hard to imagine a situation in human advancement where the time before the advancement was not harder. It’s one thing to say there is no manual for raising kids (words from my own mother) and then another thing to enter adulthood with no idea how to look after yourself because nobody bothered to see if you know to look after yourself. I mean that’s how it seems from my perspective.
@@JasonP-d7f I'm pretty sure you and I are saying the same thing, that reflection and trying to find out what the proper way to raise children is. "Ought we aspire to be and provide the best, of course. And its excellent to introspect and heal our pain, feed our inner parts." I'm just adding that releasing the hurt from our past is essential for our own healing, at least that's my experience. It's one thing that we were let down, it's another thing when we continue to let ourselves down going forward after reflecting. That's where forgiveness sets us free to love and look after ourselves fully. "But its also important to see when a dis. Abled person gave the best they knew how. Forgiveness and awareness ought to be part of our healing journey. Forgiveness doesn't mean approval. It means letting go of the belief that we are defined or limited by those experiences and releasing those people and circumstances from being bound to our future story. " And as we forgive and release the cords tying us to the past we become more able to love our children, and all the people around us, from our best place. I just think forgiveness helps the forgiver.
That's the unfortunate part about this whole thing but you can still fight another day! Don't let them take you down. They've already settled into their ways..you have so much more to live for than to be someone's emotional slave.❤❤❤❤
You can say that and I know they say: jeah but your parents are from another generation they did their best and have their trauma. Well, I have my traumatic stuff and I'm not perfect but I'm still respectful, soft hearted and not dismissive.
I think it is a Both/And kind of thing… we can be utterly devastated by our upbringing, and our caregivers may well be the reason~ Yet they themselves would have been somehow wounded or poorly raised in their own right, or they would not have abused or neglected their children as they have. It’s an unhappy lineage, isn’t it? And yet, we can begin to change that our very selves, in the way that we parent our children… and re-parent ourselves… and in the ways that we do our work and teach or care for others. Once we successfully trace back to the root of the problem, we might benefit from remaining there just long enough to work through our understanding, and then to let go of the blame. Then we can fully move forward without anger or shame tying us to the past. With an inventory of our skills, dreams and intentions, we can meet ourselves where we are, and let our potential take us forward, while enriched and humbled by the stories that show us the arc of human experience. Forgive my waxing poetic though~ there appears to be a disseminating moon above me 😎.
I remember thinking it was so weird that other kids' parents would actually listen to them and want to know what they're thinking and feeling without judgement 😆 It was a foreign concept to me. I'm so grateful that this information is widely acceptable now and our generation has the unprecedented opportunity for mass healing. It truly is amazing. We can be free and whole in a way previous generations couldn't ❤
Also just like... Doing things for them when they're both there. Every time I went to someone elses home and their parents offered to do something for me or gave me a snack themselves I broke a little inside
@@aff77141even as an adult, when my newer friends or any of my friends’ parents offer me something, even as a guest, even if I would enjoy it, I just kind of automatically frantically backpedal into extreme polite refusals because I don’t know how to accept.
This hit me too hard. These are the words that I've never been able to come up with to describe my childhood and why I'm an adult with a ridiculous need to be seen and acknowledged.
I feel you so, so hard. I grew up and realized 'oh shit', a while ago. I'm missing pieces and trying to learn things from childhood I didn’t even know existed. Keep going and be your own parent. Give yourself everything you need inside and out.
My mom came from an abusive household so this did not come naturally to her, but she really tried. My dad not as much. The TV was his best friend. I ended up finding comfort in isolation.. but I do have empathy for their experiences.
Kids literally just want your love and attention and they give back so much more. Its so simple and they are like pure joy and sweetness in a little person, what a blessing children are. Just being around children is so beautiful and special all children. Im only an aunt but I know they are indeed Gods greatest gift.
The part left out of this, is the part where the mother then feels attacked for the daughter having attempted to explain how that hurts and then spends 20 minutes yelling at them more. This then leads to a whole anxiety/panic attack meltdown and they then say its an over reaction. This video summarizes basically my entire childhood, and it has left me with so much mental and emotion trauma that will never get addressed nor resolved... however seeing things like that helps me feel valid.. like it was never me who was the problem.. so thank you.
Oh my gosh yes that’s me too. Bringing anything up just makes me feel like it’s all in my head. Nothing gets dealt with & they feel guilty because they weren’t “perfect parents” but that’s not what I’m saying. But then they shut down and don’t let me explain, leaving me feeling even more frustrated and shut down. I think we all have up years ago. But then it all came out on Christmas Day, when you can only play the “perfect family” for a certain amount of hours. I basically got told that I am the problem because they all get along fine. They don’t even notice their dysfunction or that they are making me feel silenced. Or that everyone else in the world communicates the way that I do and I’m not actually the weird one 😔 I have just learnt to bottle and then explode. Trying to communicate with them has proven futile over and over. They don’t want to change and I need to be ok with that. It was the psychologist who eventually made me see how toxic things were. I blamed myself for years. They just don’t have the toolkit to know what to do with a highly sensitive creative person who has high functioning adhd (I’ve learnt how to set alarms & work on things without medication) and likes to communicate well. They prefer to just shut everything off & keep “getting on” with life.. even though it’s actually not good coping skills/emotional regulation. Argh
Same. Youre not alone, finally started going to therapy at 27. I buried it down and its like going through it all over again, but its helping…slowly. Best of luck to you, dont ever stop fighting!
Wow. I got lectures, told to go to my room but she'd attempt to connect with a hug but then lecture again. I never had time to process. I realized when she had dementia that she never wanted to see her mom in heaven she was so mean, after she was gone her mother was more awful. She tried but sucked it shaped my life.
The saddest part is when you try to connect with them and ask them about their day and how much you love them but they just seem to be annoyed and waiting for your interaction with them is over.
"if they would understand that easily, the problems would have not arisen in the first place. " I heard it in a "school of life" video. I always think about it, when scene like you describe happen.
I was this parent, but I realized it's because I'm Autistic and never should have reproduced in the first place. Had I had a proper upbringing and better sex education, maybe that would have helped. EDIT: If y'all don't stop assuming shit, I stg. My adult children and I are on good terms now. They've understood and accepted my apologies and that I am autistic and was used and abused by the sperm donors they call their dad. Kindly eat rocks.
@@M00NdaYn"and never should have reproduced" i really hope you worded that wrong. otherwise that's... pretty heartbreaking. not for you, but for your kid.
I am a 50 year old woman and you've just thrown my childhood in my face. Mom's gone now but this validates a lot of things I've been thinking about these last few years. Thank you!!
Sista far sure she is a War child, or grew up straight after WW II. Absolutely same here to many Germans. 🙄 I showed my Adoptive Mom how to hug with 28. She was easy 60 something back then. At least her Daughter got a hug the next day. My Sis never dared to ask before. 😢
The same for me. I'm 57. My Mum died last year and I realized I didn't really know her that well. She was evacuated as a child during the war and had a hard time. It affected her confidence around people. I just don't think she was good at expressing her emotions. It's like she was in the house when she was alive but not actually present with me. I envy girls today who have great relationships with their Mums.
Same, but I'm 37 and my mom is still upright. Just as unaccountable and absent as ever....it's a shame. No grandma for my daughter or great grandma for my grandson.
Oh man this made me cry. This 1000% my relationship with my father. I am now in my mid-30's with no friends & I literally do not understand how to connect with people. Thank you for putting this into the world.
Remember as a kid what you liked to do? What helped me was to find groups that did those things. Take art classes, hiking groups, swim aerobics. Go to a story telling group and learn how to tell stories. I ended up telling stories in front of 400 people.
Same here. I suck at all relationships. Therapy hasn't worked yet. I struggle to connect with my son. I have no idea how he's more confident and social then me. I must have accidentally not messed him up as much as me.
@@Beatz_by_Tp_the_donoh bloody hell, quit being so sour just because mommy never showed you the attention you needed as a kid and genuinely consider therapy
I remember crying to my mom bc I didn’t have any friends and she told me I had to be friendly to make friends but she never gave me the skills to be close to anyone. I still struggle keeping connections going.
I had this mom. Learned to be very independent and self-sufficient, but became desperately anxious and lonely and depressed. Still working through how to feel emotions because I've shut them out for so long. Being vulnerable and being dismissed instead of comforted in response felt far worse than whatever I was initially feeling. This is probably why I turned to poetry, so I could express my emotions without them being directly criticized.
I kinda went the other way with it, I never feel lonely and never have (at least to my recollection) It has made me independent but also sometimes it leaves me feeling like there’s something wrong with me, for feeling like this. Like why don’t I miss my friends or why am I fine to not talk to anyone for days on end when they really miss and want to talk to me? It makes me feel like an asshole tbh. I do think it’s really nice that you turned your feelings into something beautiful with your poetry and I hope writing it brings you and others who read it some peace.
I also turned to writing at a very early age. I wrote almost obsessively, never really connected that this may have been the reason. It gave me a voice when nobody would listen.
I felt gut punched by the reality of this video... because it was my experience. I am the youngest of seven children. But even if it was just me, I still think my Mom would have been the same way. She suffered her own trauma. How could she give to me what she couldn't give herself? I'm still healing and ALLOWING all those bottled up feelings to have a voice. I LOVE ME as a child NOW. I am very aware and loving with my child... Even when I mess up with her, I apologize and we talk about our feelings. I don't ever want her to feel invisible. And I want to show that parents are still people learning about themselves and growing, just like her. Therapy has helped me years ago. And now channels like this are AMAZING TOOLS to help me understand things EVEN MORE! I FEEL SO SEEN!♥️♥️♥️ Love to all those having the courage to tackle inner work...YES-YOU ARE AMAZING!🥰
I remember when I was a kid and when my parents would talk to me I would wonder what was wrong and feel uncomfortable (especially if they were being nice). It felt like when a CEO visits your shitty retail business location and tries to act like a friend.
@@lindboknifeandtooli felt this in my soul escpecially bc i was at camp w/ my family and friends cause we just escaped smth else AND ALL OF A SUDDEN IT STARTS RAINING AND A BIG ASS WAVE HITS US ALL LIKE WHAT THE HECK IS GOING OONNNNN (im sorry for ranting its just *sigh* *that thing* was crazy and scary as hell ngl. I was just barely 3 btw if that helps put anything into perspective)
I can hard relate to walking on eggshells because your parents constantly move the goal posts. My mother refused to ever admit that she was wrong or didn't know something and was constantly gaslighting me (I never said that, you're remembering it wrong, why would I lie?). It's makes it so stressful as an adult to trust people or even your own instincts. Like even actually at work I'll be low key wondering if I'm doing well or if I'm being secretly set up to fail.
This was my mom. Growing up I don’t remember her ever playing with me and she made a clear boundary of personal space and we all had our own rooms. She’s so loving and wonderful and truly did the best she could but man was she super critical and some days didn’t have much to say unless she was tearing into me for something I did wrong.
My mother was exactly the same way. She escaped to her corner of the house and let us exist on our own. When I was 58, I told her that I didn’t recall a time when she sat with me to discuss what was on my mind or give me loving advice in anything. It’s sad to know this was my childhood. I’m 62 now. I’m learning how to heal from the neglect and abuse if my childhood.
That wasn’t neglect or abuse. You expecting too much. I was raised same way and don’t feel like I was neglected or abused. It gave me place to grow, independence , had friends to talk to .What is wrong with ppl, they reach 60 and decide to bitch at the poor parents .
This hit home. Excuse was well you had a home, food and basic necessities. Love and affection are also necessities. Freedom from constant criticism and emotional abuse is a must too.
YES, THANK YOU OMG I'm crying inside, because I just don't want to hurt myself doing it externally. Why did we not get these necessities? Why couldn't we just have real parents who know/knew how to give us these things we need? Parenting should be under a license, like driving and gun control. It cannot be fucking like this anymore. There needs to be a way to ensure you can break the cycle of trauma torture for good. At least I got my tubes fixed, so I will never fall prey to emotionally needing a therapist out of my birthed child when I'd want to genuinely love them without lasting hangups getting in the way of our relationship. Sometimes I've actually wanted to make my own child, but...not like that. I show my love to all of my "children" by not bringing them into such a garbage broken world. Only until it's fixed will it ever be safe.
@@DemonPikachuWhy the duck would you want to say that? It's such a "wholier than thou" comment. There are so many people learning to try to heal that trauma, trying to do better than, or understand themselves, society is really cruel and criticising people for going through childhood trauma in the first place, which often leads to poverty and victim blaming. Already inching close to eugenics thinking. And here you are saying what a gift it is to the world to NOT have kids if being through trauma. Your choice for YOUrself not to have children. Don't guilt other people into thinking they'd be a lesser parent too. It's like saying hell, I'm prone to get cancer because a relative had it, might chop off my breast before anything shoves up, because really not interested in working it out or taking chemo in case it won't do anything. At least you're aware, at least you know what you look for. The difference between our parents and us is that we're at least interested in trying to get help for it, being aware of it, often spending half of our lives to get the help NOT to redo what they did. I dreamt of having my own family my whole life, to love them like nothing else. So shut up. I've heard your kind of argument again and again. The lower one goes on the financial ladder, the higher it sounds. "How irresponsible bringing a kid to it all would be". No-one ever talks about how corrosive it is having lots of love but nowhere to go except dreaming in another dimension Because life here on earth is fucking meaningless. So shut the fuck up about your tubes. It doesn't make you a better human or "sacrificing to better good" It does nothing to humanity but makes less children of those who are at aware and know what they longed for. It won't change a thing in a bigger picture. It just makes the privileged more privileged. It is your choice. Don't guilt people into thinking it should be theirs too.
@@KAY.BEE1If a person is calling out bad parenting or abuse, that's not being " judgemental." Black parents insist on the free pass being an abusive parent, simply because it's a tradition, and the mistaken belief that only White parents are loving to their children, or never beat them. Small wonder that America has the highest rates of child abuse among Western countries !! And the prisons are full of formerly abused children,who grew up. Even in Africa and the Caribbean this also true.
This absolutely resonates with me. My mother was also emotionally and verbally abusive. I’m so thankful I’ve learned from her what not to do with my children. I’m not perfect, but I’m working to be a good parent for my daughters. Work in progress.
I was born in the 70s gen X. My boomer mom came up to me and actually said these things to me and said it’s because her father/mom never gave her that attention and it just feels weird and uncomfortable for her. I was only like 7 or 8 but we had a long discussion about it and idk why but it made me feel good. It was my first “adult” convo with my mom.😅 in the end her point was “I love you so much and would do anything for you” even if I do not physically show you all the time. It just helped is all I’m trying to say for parents who may struggle with this…
See that’s wonderful.. it’s important to communicate, take accountability, and be honest with someone no matter their age. Like you said, you appreciated that “grown up/ real talk” kind of conversation. you learned that her boundaries weren’t a punishment or caused by something you did. you also learned that everyone has a different way of showing love! thank you for sharing!
Heck yeah! This kinda thing is really harmful because of the uncertainty it creates; if your mom told you directly that she had a hard time with those interactions but made sure you knew for certain how much she cared about you and how you felt, then she still did the job - she just used different tools. 🥺 My mom did some substitutions like that too and I’m really well adjusted because she was aware of her blind spots and let me know that… well, that they were HER blind spots and not MY deficits. ❤
This is me with my kids. It’s very very hard for me. I pray often about it and know realize that I am doing it sometimes and I try and figure out how to correct it but it is so hard sometimes.
My mother was emotionally unavailable throughout my entire childhood. I always thought she didn’t like my personality or just me in general. She’d go weeks without speaking to me if she was mad and I’d have to eat dinners by myself during these times too. Because of this I became very independent and I’m grateful for that but I was always really lonely. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I understood things that a little child never could. My older brother died at 4 by falling into the lake during a church event. My father had already left us and by this time she was finalizing the divorce. She was a single mother trying to juggle the pain and heartache of losing a marriage and a child while still having to care for me too. As an adult I can understand now it was too much heartache for her to handle all alone. After years of separation she finally reached out to me and laid all her demons out. She didn’t want to live. After Joey died she said she felt like she died with him. She only held on because I was there. She tried and I’m proud that she held on.
This is 1000% my dad every single day. He always provides for me financially but gaslights me almost everyday over the smallest things and doesn't know how to show people his affection and love 😢
the threats of taking away things or not paying for something because you choose to love people around you they don’t want you to, is so fucking hard bro. It just feels wrong. I will always love people hard because I know what it feels like to not be loved the way I need.
My dad is similar. He acts like i don't live up to my potential while simultaneously treating me like I'm not capable of doing so. Then he gives me a hard time about how I turned out. Like dude you were supposed to raise ME. Gaslight was a good choice of words
As good as this video is, it doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface in regard to the effects of this type of abuse/neglect. It ruins lives. Thank you for bringing awareness. It’s validation to those of us who have experienced it personally.
The part about not being able to connect with others because of parents not connecting with children finally puts words to what I've been experiencing. Thank you for shedding light on topics like this🙏
I was the emotionally absent parent. My daughter is the one who pointed it out to me. I've been working on myself for years and getting better and giving her the support she needs. There are many factors as to why I was emotionally absent and none of them have anything to do with not loving or caring for my daughter. I didn't know how to show love. I was never shown love. I do my best every day to show up for her tho!
To help you understand your daughter’s perspective a little more: Would you stay with a man who loves you but cannot show it at all, and is completely unable to meet your emotional needs? If you were really in a relationship like that, how long would you stay in it for? Probably not very long. It would be soul-crushing to live with someone like that. Since they don’t know how to show love, your spirit would not be nourished; you would be very starved for affection and comfort and care. The only difference is, you can’t break up with your mother and find a new, better mother who can meet your needs. Your poor daughter. I’m not trying to guilt you, but to help you realise how difficult it must be for your daughter. It’s good that you’re conscious and aware, and improving yourself. Don’t be consumed by guilt, but feel empathy for your daughter.
@@TofuTeo oh, I completely understand her perspective on many levels. My parents ignored me, which taught me that's how things are supposed to be. In turn, I grew up and was in relationships with men who ignored me and treated me horribly when they gave me 'attention'. Up until my daughter was born, I didn't realize a lot of things, sadly. Her dad was the worst and unfortunately I didn't realize that until after she was born. She's 9 now and I've learned a lot being her mom. I left her dad when she was young and when she learned to talk she told me how my actions, or lack of them, made her feel. Knowing where she is coming from, I completely understood and felt horrible. That's not how I wanted to be. It was a difficult change for me, not because of her, but I was stuck in a household with my dad and brother and they did everything they could to take everything I had. My money, time, sanity, everything. I barely could pay attention to my child because they wouldn't allow it. I wasn't even allowed time for myself. It got to the point they would shut off the water if I tried to shower. Or if I tried to do laundry they would interrupt it, take my clothes out, and do laundry so I couldn't. The bills were over $1000 a month and I was the only one paying them, plus buying all groceries, giving rides on my dime and would be laughed at for asking for gas money. I had to work 10-12 hour shifts to come home and clean just so I could feed my daughter and I because they would use every dish as quickly as possible we also had dogs they refused to let out, letting them go potty all over the house, which was mostly dried by the time I got home. I refused to eat with all that around so at 11pm I'd have to come home, clean all that and more, finally be able to eat and go to bed by maybe 2-4am and then had to be up at 7 for daycare and work. These things were done intentionally to me. Why? Good question, I'd love to know that too. Anyway, we finally got out of all that and I've been healing and working to be a better parent. I'm not perfect. I also found a wonderful man who I've been with for 6 years and he also helps me realize a lot from her perspective. She has parents who love her very much. Her dad is out of the picture, but that's where he belongs. I wake up every day with the intention of doing better for my daughter.
@@ragedpuma7564 Mothers who haven't learnt the lesson of loving and respecting themselves -- and that includes not allowing yourself to be mistreated by others, or overworked, or exploited -- fail to teach their daughters self-love and respect too. If you constantly abandon yourself, you will also abandon your daughter, and also be a terrible role model for her (teaching her that self-abandonment is normal, or even good) Let this be a warning to all mothers reading this. Self-abandonment, inability to love and respect yourself, failture to stand up to your abusers etc. -- those things not only harm you, but also your children. My mother's failure to protect me had to do with her failure to protect herself. And her failure to love me also had to do with her failure to love and take care of herself. Not to mention my mother was also deeply insecure and full of self-hatred and self-flagellation, which made her a narcissistic and unloving mother during stressful times. All the things you described above of your plight -- those are not normal situations. You stayed a helpless victim in them for too long, and your poor daughter was dragged alongside. You lacked the faith and courage and wisdom to get OUT of those situations sooner. You can only love others well if you know how to love yourself well. If you abandon yourself and put up with mistreatment, you will allow your daughter to be mistreated too -- she turns into a helpless victim like you, instead of an empowered person. You let yourself work crazy hours and barely get enough rest to function and be sane. I'm sure there were reasons for it, but if you had acted in faith and self-love, and prioritised your needs, you would've likely found out that life actually takes care of itself. "The bills were over $1000 a month and I was the only one paying them, play buying all groceries, giving rides on my dime" -- Now why would you do that? Especially when you were the income-earner and could've just kicked them out assertively, or moved to a new place (if they refused) to build a peaceful life for you and your daughter? Being self-abandoning for family members who don't reciprocate your kindness is not "noble self-sacrifice"; it's a lack of self-love and self-respect, which will have deleterious effects.
@ragedpuma7564 As an adult with an emotionally absent father (and to an extent, mother), and severely narcissistic mother: *I APPLAUD YOU.* You don't know how rare it is in this situation for you to hear, process, and strive to change and do better. That means more than you will ever know. Keep up the great work. You are doing wonderful. I'm sure your daughter appreciates it 💙💙
Oh hon, i feel you. I am kinda absent to my eldest and try my damnest to combat it everyday. It's very hard for me to connect and bond with him, he was born when i wasn't ready for a child, i did try my best for him, but i think it isn't enough. It's not helping that both of us are neurodivergent, he doesn't like being touched since little, and that makes bonding more difficult for me who craves touches. We are under going therapy at the moment because i want the best for him, but my delivery sometimes gets lost in translation.
Ugh that “not being able to connect with others because you never connect with me” was crippling for me, didn’t make a single friend in school or otherwise until I was *15* and even then it was another socially awkward kid taking me under their wing 😅
I didn't usually keep friends from school to school year usually they were almost entirely a new set of people and unless someone said their name often enough I didn't always know their names or I knew the nickname that other people called them because we rarely had classes together. I spent time in the library in middle school so I didn't have to connect with kids who had already rejected me at that point. Now as a mom myself I am trying to connect with other people but we had to let go of friends, my husband and I, because we got tired of doing all the work all of the time to maintain a friendship. My husband and I are best friends and this whole marriage thing has made it easy for us to almost feel like we are just hanging out every day, parenthood has changed it a ton as well as other life changes. But even with kids we try and make things fun for them and we have issues with not inconveniencing others with our kids because some people had our introduction to parenthood made us and our babies unwelcome in a lot of places so we feel they aren't really welcome in many places at all still as they have gotten older. I miss being able to go on dates and have time where it is just my husband and I but it seems like we have kids who act like they need us exactly when we want to be left alone with just each other. Sorry I am rambling a lot, but I get where you are coming from, finding it hard to maintain friendships during school and now well past my school years.
Wow, did I need to see this! When I was a kid being bullied in school and I told my parents about it, they both basically blew me off. I've been on my own for most of my life. My religious fanatic mother reminded me constantly that I must honor my father and my mother. I asked her once why kids couldn't be honored, too. She slapped my face. Another commenter said we need to re-parent ourselves. I agree, and I've been doing so for years. It has helped a lot. ❤
my partner was parented like this. She is so so loved and valued now, but of course it doesn't totally undo the trauma of the past. To everyone who lived through this: your thoughts, opinions, feelings, joys and struggles matter, and you deserve support, connections and gentleness ❤
relatable, as a child I felt like my mom wanted me to grow up fast cause she had many older kids and when we could start doing things together is when she really was there
Not only does this lead to anxiety and depression, it causes you to have low self esteem, never developing a strong sense of your own self identity. And abandonment with emotional absence often leads to poor judgment with romantic partners. I know I found myself seeking the parent/caretaker type, which never worked for obvious reasons. I was unaware that I was seeking the things I lacked from my mother. Not to mention all of the embarrassing years I went to school not knowing how to dress myself normally, style my hair, apply makeup correctly, etc. I had to learn all of the basics the hard way because I was never taught. In her defense, she didn’t know how to do most of the hygiene stuff herself.
Your videos have helped me be more empathetic towards my mom and understanding how she also coped as a child is the way she taught me how to cope as a child :(
This is exactly what my relationship with my parents was like. Any time I’ve tried to talk to them about it as an adult, they only focus on the fact that they “did” so much for me as a kid, and not the fact that they were never really there. Half the stuff they “did” was stuff I couldn’t care less about anyways and only happened to make them look like good parents from the outside. Stuff they could brag to their friends and coworkers about, meanwhile I spent my entire childhood stressed, depressed, and basically raised by video games and the internet. I have massive difficulties as an adult and granted, am old enough where I should take responsibility for my own failings, but I deeply resent that I was granted “artificial” parents meanwhile others had the real thing.
Thanks for sharing. Sometimes our parents don't have a clue about our feelings. (I now understand why I listen more to other people than my parents. And why we get influenced by social media so much)
I totally relate. What makes it even kore frustrating is that my parents had bad childhoods, so youd think they wouls learn from it and be better parents.
@infinitum8558 that's why they say "you can't pour from an empty cup" do the dreaded question is "how will we be as parents" then the cycle continues. I like to be a parent one day so I'm working on my healing.
@@infinitum8558They probably were abused in other ways and thought they were doing better by not abusing their children physically or sxlly. They didn't know about emotional neglect back then... heck, most people don't know about it today. They couldn't give what they were never given themselves.
THIS! Just today I had a discussion about this with my mother. I tried to explain to her how in the past she didn't teach me to be vulnerable with her, and she kept saying "so you're trying to say how I was the worst mother in the world... I did so much for you!" ... Like you should really get outta your own ass and listen to me once, instead of getting butthurt about me saying ONE negative thing about her. And btw it was her who started the convo, not me... -.-
I thank God every day for my mom. She was so loving and open with me growing up, but also great about setting boundaries. When she was mad at me she didn't usually yell. Instead, she would say "I love you but right now I'm mad at you. You need to go to your room so I can calm down." She still recalls the time I did the same thing to her. She made me mad so I said "Mom, I love you but you're making me really mad right now! I'm going to my room to calm down." Every child deserves a mother like mine.
I remember a while back a lot of people were liking the scene in Fences where Denzel Washington plays a dad and they have a whole talk where the son is like, “i fee like you’ve never loved me once.” And Denzel’s character is just like,” “Good, that’s not my job. I’m supposed to feed and clothe you, I don’t have to _like_ you.” And I just remember the heartbreak I get seeing so many people being like, “finally, someone gets it. That’s how real men parent their kids!” It sucks that so many people genuinely can’t see how they’re failing their kids so badly when they do shit like this.
Yeah that is kinda of sad considering one of the themes of the movie was letting go of anger and hate caused by the trauma imparted on you by your parents so your children don't have to deal with those same traumas. But people watching just a UA-cam short may not have the context of having seen the whole film so what can you do.
The "I may love you, but I don't like you" line... Legit, if kids are reflections of the parents behaviour/person. What they're saying I guess, is they're saying really, is they neither love nor like themselves one bit.
My mom screamed at me in January and accused me of only ever seeing her as a “coin purse” (she’s the breadwinner in our family while my dad was a stay-at-home parent who hopped between teaching jobs as I got older, so my mom paid for our insurance and all other expenses). When she asked me what the word “mom” meant to me, I literally couldn’t answer her. She was emotionally absent but still expected me and my brothers to take care of her emotionally when we weren’t even equipped to take care of ourselves emotionally. I’m 23 and I still don’t know what moms are supposed to do other than make money while the dad stays home or stay home while the dad makes money. Because of her being emotionally neglectful while also parentifying me and my brothers, I ended up with a disorganized (also called anxious-avoidant or fearful-avoidant) attachment style, which I’m in therapy trying to fix. Basically I crave closeness and emotional safety, but the idea of it is scary because it’s not familiar to me, so I lose touch with my own emotions and others’ emotions. My brain tends to shut down when emotions are high. It’s also extremely difficult for me to ask for help or even identify what my needs are because I wasn’t taught how to do that as a kid and I learned that the only person I could trust was myself. Emotionally absent parents cause real harm, even if they don’t realize it.
"what does the word mom mean to you?" damn that's some narcissistic bs. I'm so sorry for you. Like she needs to look in a mirror and ask HERSELF that question.
You just described how I am currently after dealing with my dad for so long. He is emotionally absent but is good at faking like he isn't. He'll say he loves me and is proud of me, but his actions don't show real investment in me and the things I care about, and conversations with him are always about himself and his interests. He used to mock my interests growing up and still looks down on them.
Parenting is so hard, especially when your parents had to grow up with emotionally absent parents and do the same thing to their kids. Then the cycle repeats with each generation. It takes a lot of effort to break negative parenting cycles.
Agreed which is why ppl don’t need to have kids until they fix their shit. Go to therapy, go to parenting classes or something. Eventually excuses get old. Children aren’t a right but a privilege.
This! Preparation is key. Work on yourself befor eyou involve/add another person in the picture. That also goes with going into relationships @@alexandria3177
I broke the cycle but unconsciously. I think I was a naturally affectionate and giving person but that was stifled for years by emotionally unavailable parents. In relationships, as an adult, I was always affection with my partner and when I had a child later in life I'm very affectionate with him - lots of hugs, kisses and physical contact (arm around his shoulder, reassuring back pat, etc). I think it all came out naturally when the circumstances allowed for it.
realizing that i’ll never have the support/comfort from my mom that ive always wanted was the worst most painful feeling i’ve ever felt. i’ve literally begged & cried for my mom to just hug me & make me feel cared for.
Man, this hits super hard. My mom was the emotionally absent parent, but was always physically there. My dad, on the other hand, was barely home, but was always emotionally invested in us the times that he was home.
" you don't really interact with me unless you're telling me to stop doing something" When I first got together with my boyfriend I was so happy and wanted to tell my mom all about him, I just wanted her to ask once, but she never did. The first time she talked to me about it was years later when she told me to stop pictures with him on social media, because relatives were asking her when we were getting married.
Yep. So true. I love it these days when I see good parents communicating so well with their kids and giving them encouragement. It’s beautiful to see. I also recognise that I wouldn’t be the independent person I am today if it wasn’t for the dynamics in our family during childhood and teenage years. It’s all thanks to EFT tapping that I did later in my life that let me shed the layers of unwanted emotions and fill me up with positive loving energy.
Mom showed more affection to her dogs and cats than to me. I remember thinking about that even as an adult but did not question her. My awful childhood has a name! I learned about childhood emotional neglect these past few weeks from watching UA-cam vlogs!! I’m so grateful this Thanksgiving day for the internet!! Amen.
My mom was like this. I was taken care of physically but emotionally I never really had a "mom". So when she passed away, although it still hurt, it hurt for a different reason. It hurt that we never had a close relationship and struggled to even hug or say I love you. After she died though my older sister became like a mom to me. She would call and just check on me and see how I was doing. I would call her on the way home from work and we would have our little hen session. A joke between the two of us after we would get done gabbing about typical family problems and what not was "if only they were as perfect as we are" obviously being sarcastic. When she passed away it really hurt, and still does. I cant even talk about her out loud without my voice cracking trying to hold back tears. Life just hasnt been the same for me and that short time I had a mom I cherished every second of it. I just wish it had been longer...
“If only they were as perfect as we are” 😂 that really got me picturing your bond. I love that. thanks so much for sharing that with us. I would like to experience that kind of open and supportive mother figure connection some day.
This is me I am a teen and been raised like this ever since my mother divorced my abusive father at five. She always works and does not know alot about me. She has no rules for me. She provides me with all my needs, but has not given me any attention and it has gotten worse ever since i moved into a mother-in-law suite in the backyard of our house so I basically live by myself and I have no idea about emotions or how I feel.
I was that parent at first. My own parents were absent(among other things) and I had no idea how to interact with my kids. I constantly would disassociate from them because I found it overwhelming to try and connect or communicate with them. I would also gladly pass them off onto my mother because I felt they were something I needed a break from all the time. They used to stay the weekend at my mother’s every week. This started with my first when she was only two weeks old. It wasn’t until my son was born that I started to realize I needed to be more attentive in their care and that dumping them off at my parents place was more damaging than good. I’m now a mother of four kids and I am proud to say that they feel a lot more comfortable coming to me for connection. It’s taken a massive amount of conscious effort but my babies are very open to me about their emotions and experiences.
Good for you! Trying to do better is so important, no one expects you to be a perfect mother, but making an effort and addressing your behavior will help your Chi drown grow up to be healthier, happier and know how to make wiser life decisions.
Both my parents were like this, because of not dealing with their own traumas. I don't speak to them anymore. It sucks, but it's so much better for my mental health. I'm finally starting to love myself for who I am
just about to do the same with all my siblings....got to be strong..despite being in huge family,always felt rejected,lonely,bullied,belitte..no more of this got to let go..hope you feel better and stronger now😉👍😇
@@thatsmeehif so, at this point that’s their responsibility to deal with. Children try incredibly hard to express and receive love. If caregivers never end up reciprocating adequately, to the point where the child decides their life is better without them, it’s not the child’s sole responsibility to go back and do all the work on both sides to repair the relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean the parents are evil or even bad people. But children are allowed to live from their own perspective and do what they feel they need to do for themselves, just as the parents have firmly insisted on doing for themselves, to the detriment of themselves and their children, up until this point.
@@VeronicaWarlock I get your point... it really depends on the parents too.. for example, i have had some sentimental distance from my dad but he has improved his behaviour a lot towards me and he is trying to be better. And so am I. They have had their own struggles from their own parents and sometimes maybe we have to guide them if they don't know how to do it.. But sometimes it's not worth it, that's why I said it depends on who it is
Sometimes the parent can be emotionally absent but not distant, if that makes sense. Like, they are super social and there, but emotionally the focus is away from YOU as the child or never on the things about YOU. They can be present when it is about THEM and so you learn to make everything about them so you get their attention, but they are still not emotionally available to you.
Exactly! Perfectly said. That’s how my mother is. It’s a specific kind of narcissistic abuse that only the child can sense but to everyone else, she’s a good, caring mom lol. She’s basically using me as an emotional outlet and a friend all in one
@@adotintheuniverse7174 I am so sorry you have experienced this. I have been afraid to ever acknowledge or look into whether it was narcissistic in my house. It was hard because there was never cruelty or overt mistreatment, and honestly, there was a lot of fun when you were doing what the PARENT enjoyed. And I have a lot of happy memories and love for my parent. But the issue is (again, not as relevant in adulthood), DEVELOPMENTALLY a child needs a consistent parent, not a friend or a peer, like you describe in your reply. So even if you have only good times but don't have enough of the parent centering the child at early developmental milestones, it causes the child to not understand relationships with other people as well or feel like something was missing or off in childhood, and it show up in adult relationships in weird attachment issues.
Yes, that's the covertly narcissistic parent. Always the victim or the hero/virtue signaling for the outside world. The outside of the house (not home; IMHO, those 2 words have completely different meanings) may be beautiful and the family's appearance to everyone is completely opposite to what the truth is behind closed doors. "Children are to be seen but not heard! It's my house, my rules and if you don't like it pack up your sh!t and move out! I brought you into this world and I can take you out just as easily!" Etc etc etc Phrases wielded against us during childhood to the point that we are so codependent and so used to taking care of everyone else emotionally, we're unable to be alone (physically or relationship wise) are unable to actually say "No" when we do not want to do something and we're forever seeking the attention, pat on the back and/or acknowledgement that we're "good daughter's" or "good son's" from a parent who is never going to give you that necessary ego booster because of fear of them losing control over their child. .... Maybe it's just me and my experience.... IDK 🤷♀️
Representing myself while navigating a childhood family cut-off which was brought to a grinding halt by the fact that they live two doors up and the parents can't let go; meanwhile, the grandchild clings to me every time she sees me out of her own need to escape the same abusers I'm trying to heal from, thus triggering my trauma responses resulting in a VERY stuck feeling... I keep going 💪🏼
I’m 5 weeks pregnant and this just hit so hard. My mom meant well and sacrificed a lot to give us the essentials - but emotionally neglectful despite her efforts. I pray I do not do this to my child. Lord please. My anxiety, depression, distrust of others is a lot some days.
My mom was emotionally absent. It took me years to figure out how much that affected me. I recently confronted her about it. Her excuse, “well, I wasn’t shown love or affection by my parents.” I guess it just got passed down. Cycle ends with me tho. I’m pregnant and my kid is going to know sooo much love and compassion
This was so validating, in a way. Just knowing that other people understand what this was like. Sucks we had to go through that, but still, we aren’t alone.
Whew this is my mom. When my best friend moved away when I was 10, I expressed to her that one of the things I missed was playing board games with her. I asked her if she would play one with me and she said no. Because she doesn’t like board games. To this day she doesn’t understand why this was cold or that it made me feel unimportant.
I weirdly understand this. Something that can seem so silly to other people but matter so much to you as a child. I don't think parent would care about how i felt about it and that's what really messed me up as a kid.
Oh man, that hurts to read. I hope you've found a chosen family who will play boardgames with you 🌻 My mom was the same. I didn't have many friends growing up, but even when I rarely got invited to people's houses or to the mall, she'd say it was too far to drive, or that she'd be stuck doing nothing for two hours while I watched a movie. She'd act like it was ridiculous for me to ask her to do something that wasn't fun or rewarding for her! Only decades later did I realise, if I had a lonely kid who struggled to make friends, I'd drive for hours just to give her a shot at connecting and bonding with others. It may not be fun to drive, but it would be rewarding to see the kid happy around their friends.
@@MildExplosionYeah, my mom is the same. Though occasionally she would do something with me, she would almost always complain how it's boring to her. I felt so lonely my whole childhood. She hated doing anything that she didn't enjoy, and kept reminding me about it. She also kept saying how the was "too dumb for her". Making me feel stupid for doing it, even when I was a child!
Yup!!! I didn’t think my mom was absent/neglectful, because she DID pay attention to me. That attention was rarely positive, though. I always left interactions feeling so much worse. When a therapist explained that it counted as emotional neglect, it was overwhelming.
This is why I’ve been confused to, because in many ways, my parents were supportive, but they were also highly critical of me about everything until I developed a perfectionism complex, then my mother would put me down about that. Like what? You made me clean the bathroom like four times as an eight year old because it wasn’t good enough. Emotional neglect and abuse can look like a lot of things and it’s not always bed in every moment, which makes those moments even harder because you don’t know who you’re going to get.
I'm still trying to untangle my upbringing... I don't say abuse or trauma because 'a lot of people have it worse.' But constantly being reminded of what was done for you, being shown that you're not worthy of respect or communication, having bruises left on your face and body, trying to take your own life and self-harming... And then developing severe depression and anxiety as an adult lol, and being hospitalized multiple times for trying to KMS... Also being constantly called selfish and unbalanced for attempting to have boundaries, or defending myself against accusations and disrespect, and then being punished. These are not good things. And then feeling guilty about 'focusing on the negative.'
Exactly… it’s more like ,” mmm k.”” Or ,” can you wash that apoon?” While you’re pouring your heart out Or they’ll pick up the phone and call a friend… because they have to. Or turn around and listen to the other emotionally abusive parent who casually says something like “ check out this picture,” Pretty much anythjng is more important than you- when you’re about to say something heartfelt and full of aignificance
What I learnt from parents and from self-help gurus is that parents can do whatever they want to you and get away with it - because as soon as youre an adult, everyone tells you you're accountable for your own life and responsible for your recovery. So, theres zero incentive for parents to ever change because they are never held accountable and adult children have to spend the rest of their lives (in some cases) repairing the damage these parents caused. Delaying education, career success, and personal happiness often as they aren't mentally well enough to participate in life the way healthier childhood adults are. So you can add a whole bunch of social shame onto these adult children too as they progress more slowly than their peers and have to deal with "you're not trying hard enough" "you're the only one who can change your life" "You're an adult now, this is up to you". These child adults of bad parenting lose around 10 years on recovery, sometimes more. Makes me so angry!
I think a lot of people grew up like this and that’s why a lot of people are “dead inside” kind of numb feeling and not showing a lot of concern for others unless necessary
My first child is currently a year and a half. It occurred to me a few weeks ago that he entertains himself pretty well. This week he kept getting really upset because I basically ignore him to be on my phone. Unless I’m taking him to stop doing something… I was dealing with, issue, but still, I had to actively work my brain to just put my phone down and be present while with him. Even just sitting together really seems to bring out so much joy in him. I’m so glad I realize this now, while he’s still a toddler. Now I’m seeing this video the next day!! God is good: there’s no way this is a coincidence!
I’m glad to see that it’s some thing you’re becoming aware of. And I hope it stays that way. Otherwise you can expect to not have any closeness to your child as they get older, and then you’ll probably wonder why they don’t talk to you
Yes chic...get off your phone...put the thing away for 4 hours...and go out into town or the park..with your child...I am 46 and I had my kids at 18&24...I didn't have a mobile...just do it...tell you friends/family...the phones off...have fun!❤
My Dad’s like this. He’d tried to be present, in a more “how was your day” if I’m sitting right there next to him and “let’s play a game together that I like” once in a while sort of sense. When it came down to actual feelings and trying to address a problem… he’d either lecture you and turn it into you are the problem about something, or he would get reactive to your emotion, not knowing how to handle them, and tell you to stop having them so he could try and use logic. Problem is, the issue was emotional, so the moment emotions are shut off, there is no more problem, temporarily. And it never gets fixed. It’s a cycle. He was hard to understand. My Mom often called him a ‘robot’ because he simply refused to ever get mad at her. He got mad plenty of times at me, but that’s because I hadn’t learned to disassociate, and cried all the time uncontrollably due to undiagnosed issues nobody knew were prevalent and frankly rather glaringly obvious in hindsight.
This is so good. A lot of parents probably don't realize they are doing this. Just think about your interactions with your child, were they all either orders or some kind of criticism? If you walked into your child's room, sat down on thier bed and asked what they are up to, would they look at you like you are nuts? It's never too late to improve, and none of us are perfect.
Some of the worst parts for me was when I became a teenager and they suddenly turned over-protective. I'd been hyper independent for years, and then, overnight, they were controlling. It was hideous.
[Your avatar is fabulous.] Suddenly they remembered what terrible teens *they* were, maybe, and decided to step up. I had a situation where my mom was an alcoholic. She’d go on benders that lasted a month. We’d be on our own, pretty much, like you we were hyper independent. Then she’d sober up and there would be rules again, suddenly. It was so hard to respect those rules.
This happened to me as well. I turned 18 and all of a sudden my mom was angry with me because she no longer had legal control over me, even though nothing had changed otherwise.
@@mr.nobody6795same that happened to me, she backed me into a corner and started yelling at me when all I mentioned was moving out, and hanging out with friends.. People like that are disgusting
Fucking seconded. You're expected to manage yourself 24/7 when you're literally too young to actually grasp what you're doing, and then when you're finally old enough for some actual independence, suddenly the possibility that you might misbehave is now a bigger priority than anything else about you. Even though you've been literally perfect for your entire life, the closest thing to a reward you can expect is just not being punished for existing.
Yeah. My mom literally never hugged me or told me she loved me. I remember telling her I love her and she’d get all weird about it and maybe say thanks or okay honey. It was so confusing for me because my dad was the opposite. She was just an emotionally cold person. I have a daughter now and I absolutely shower her with love because I never want her to feel that way, and also I just adore her lol
@@TomikaKellyThere is something wrong with it. But they just dont adress it and definately would say the same thing like you. They cant connect on a deeper level because they are so disconnected from their own feelings.
This is my mother to a ‘T’. She never spoke to me my entire life except to tell me I’m doing something wrong. If I tried to talk with her she would let out a big sigh, roll her eyes, and say “ugh, what is it now?” I have had the hardest time trying to form meaningful friendships because I people please to a fault. 🙁
Omg exactly what I’m going through. I thought I’m exaggerating about my mother’s reaction when I talk to her but that’s what she does exactly. Made me a people pleaser, made me fear rejection and made me think that I don’t deserve love and happiness
@@Rosie22112 My heart goes out to you! I’m so sorry you have experienced the same thing. I hope you are able to find healing and come to a deep understanding that you are worthy, valuable, and lovable just as you are.
@@cowboycacti The most likely source for the phrase “to a t” is that it is a contraction of an older English phrase, “to a tittle”, meaning to the smallest [detail].
It wasn’t until my dad died that I realized I couldn’t remember us ever having a single meaningful conversation. It breaks my heart feeling like I don’t have any idea who he really was, and that I spent the majority of my life feeling guilty for his emotional absence, as though I was the cause of it for not being an interesting enough child or trying hard enough to make him like me. Perfect description from the child in this video of how I felt and how I’ve turned out.
My dads alive but i resonate with what you said about never having a meaningful conversation with your dad.. Hes never been a talker, i dont know much about him, and hes never showed much affection or love towards me or my siblings. But he has gotten better as weve gotten older, hell let us know that he loves us which is nice but i hope for more of a cloe relationship with him. He had a hard childhood and never knew his father and his mom allowed him to be abused by her boyfriends, so i feel like he doesnt know how to be a good loving dad. But like i said, hes getting better.
You are not alone. Mine was like this too. I remember crying at his funeral, not for him, but for the father that I never had. He was always attached to his chair watching sports on TV. He never talked to me about anything. He said once that I was "too independent", well I had to be, because when I was being bullied or I was in pain, nobody helped me.
It's possible he never had a single meaningful thought. I don't think my father ever has. Totally empty and uninterested in anything outside the world that only exists in his head. I wish you the best in recovering.
Thank you for finally explaining whats been going on between my mother and i since i was little. It been plaguing my mind for weeks. This is why i feel like dont have a mother. Weirdly my mum only did this for me. Shes much more involved with my siblings.
If this video resonates, join private healing community. Spaces DO sell out. Get on the waitlist for next enrollment here: selfhealerscircle.com
"Private healing community" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ someone's profiting off of other people's trauma
How do you cope when your parents do this?
Had me with the video
Lost me with the ad
same honestly kinda gross @@homemadecircle
talk to someone you can trust, perhaps outside of the family or at school/work. try getting in contact with a professional you feel can hear you out in a way you feel comfortable with. and remember they (your parents and their behavior), not you, are the problem here. you are valid!@@liv8509
And most people don’t even consider this trauma bc it leaves no bruises just invisible wounds on a person that feels invisible.
💯
Yes , and they think they won't be held accountable , OR literally they aren't accountable. They view themselves as completely unaccountable.
Fr. I thought most of my life I had a perfectly fine and normal upbringing until the isolation of covid hit and anxiety blindsided me, and I had to look inward to figure out why.
Exactly! Mental abuse and/or emotional neglect, can cause the same amount of damage as physical abuse/neglect. They both can affect you for decades.
@@peachfuzz7329 that’s really important for us all to understand. do you do work in the mental health field? I wasn’t aware of this until recently.
They don't want to deal with your emotions but somehow you always have to cater to theirs
UGH. I will let people crap all over me and I feel like that’s just my purpose; to be empty while constantly filling everyone else’s cup. Thanks to my emotionally absent while somehow super emotional mother.
No bc this is literally my mum. She’ll get upset that she feels worthless but then she turns around and makes me feel the exact same way 😭
Literally. I remember when I was a kid and more hopeful my mom would always have severe mental breakdowns to me and tell me all about her worries and depression, and because I wanted to have an actual connection and better relationship with her, I would always give her advice and have to give her counseling like an adult and one day she told me "wow you're like my personal therapist", I was 7. The other day I tried once again to "open up" and told her that I didn't like one of my classes today, and she straight up just said "okay?? why are you telling me that? why would I care?" 😐😐...
I never got hugs from my mom. The only time hugs were warranted is when she asked for them. She made me kiss her cheek one time after I had my tonsils removed. My dad got mad cause I could get sick or get her sick and then it just never happened again.
Normalization of wretched human behavior is the worst!!! Emotional abuse and neglect are still valid💔 Heal yourself and let go of people that get in the way of your healing… Even yourself. It hurts so bad that ppl don’t want to act right towards others even though children never asked to be born.
And don't forget the fact that these parents often expect their child's unconditional support and love whenever they have emotional outbursts. And they will lose it on occassion after keeping it bottled up. But it is NEVER reciprocated during the child's time of need.
Damn
Wow... I remember when my mom was diagnosed with depression and the whole family was taught what it was and how to help her and I remember as a kid I was like "Well what about me? I'm hurting too"
Empty promises of help, and sweeping all the problems under the rug.
Facts
Exactly my mom down to every detail. But on top that she used to hit me too.
I felt this in my cranium
'Here's what I'm learning: I'm your child, and you feel responsible for me and protective of me...but you don't seem to like me that much'
oh wow, it's like you live in my house
Should’ve worn a condom if you weren’t ready to be a parent.
This!
☹️😔
Be more likeable then! It's the modern cop out for your failings, to blame your parents/mother. Take responsibility, to quote Jordan Peterson.
We basically have to re-parent ourselves in adulthood and it's exhausting
Interesting. Parenting is beyond exhausting... No one tells you the truth, but they all push for you to have kids, and then when you have them, all of your flaws are on full display for them to judge you. I raised terrific children (6 of them), but it broke me mentally and physically. Giving every piece of myself to ensure they were well-adjusted, happy, and thriving is unknowable exhaustion.
Yeah... making sense of the puzzle pieces and then putting them together takes time.
@@findmeanewplanetyeah, hard for parents also.
🎯💯
@@findmeanewplanet it's even worse when you try and still fail. Then you get to see the cascade continue in real time. The honest truth is that society pushes people to have kids when they are not ready then refuses to help at any point.
I just finished reading “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” and it is so insightful for kids who grew up in this kind of environment.
I was thinking of buying this book. Your comment just sold it for me!
Well thank you for the recommendation i know what I'm gonna be buying
Who is the author?
@@anonimochenta4439 Lindsay C. Gibson. It’s a really spectacular book. Highly recommend it as well.
This book was insightful. I checked it out at the library - the audiobook version actually! Listening to it hit different
This really spoke to me. I remember almost nothing of my childhood other than playing by myself in my room or of being in trouble.
Same, this caused a lot of trauma even into my adulthood. I want to make it a habit of not being this way when I do have kids.
same...I can barely remember anything besides negative things before the age of 8
🫂 omg same
Feel it too, though later on idk what happened to my mom she kinda just changed and started to spend time with me by going on small trips every weekend
😭❤ I felt this
Boy, does this ever hit the nail on the head. When my emotional absent mother died, not one of her four children shed a single tear. What a legacy to leave behind.
Don’t forget the constant gaslighting and constantly telling you how much they do for you when you do speak up…
BINGO! That's the real-life version of this conversation, in a nutshell. it starts, continues, and ends with mom talking about what a great mom she is (or, in my case, regurgitating how it's so hard to be a single mother and she's doing her best, so really she's the victim here and why are you complaining again? You should soothe ME now, child)!
Yeah ☹️
That’s called financial manipulation
@@jvncomeauxI think you're conflating some terms since Financial Abuse is about money and wealth
Just really confused about it. My parents aren’t bad people but I’m struggling to figure out what’s wrong with me and they’re probably really burnt out and similar to me, but during Covid all they did was kick me on the ground when I was hurting and trying to help us as a family they just kicked me and beat me up and rejected me to the point where I could understand why people killed himself and that really worked. Woke me up to something I didn’t realize they’re all like that. There’s a lot whether they know it or not and unfortunately probably and meet you a lot or being not in touch with yourself a lot of inability to deal a lot of narcissism, triangulation and gaslighting and yet they would do anything for you so it gets very confusing even saying this, so it makes me feel even crazier I just don’t understand why I don’t exist and I feel crazy and I don’t know how to trust myself and it gets worse because I also have ADD and OCD and now I’m bipolar so I’m just really fuck right now like I really feel sad and I’m just lucky I don’t have energy to do something I won’t say
You also learn to be a MASSIVE people pleaser, because you crave those moments of "I'm proud of you" and have learned that that moment isn't just given, it's earned
And that attention and positive regard are hard-earned too. Whereas some parents naturally delight in their children.
also, when you find someone who says things like that and treats you well you can get attached, because youre not used to people being like that. i think it could make it easier to be manipulated that way too.
Yep. They teach us to bottle it up, slap a mask on it, and they pull the strings to make it dance.
omg yes...
nope. i have an emotionally detatched parent and i would never be seen doing something so pathetic
When they are emotionally absent with you but seem to be fine with others…
@@elkynethehorde5592 you is smart, you is kind, you is important 💜
@@sapn19 same to you 🧡
I had that problem when my daughter was young. I was a special ed teacher, and the kids at school needed SO. MUCH. from me that by the time I got home, I was spent. I knew it wasn’t fair, so I did everything I could to connect with her, but I know I wasn’t perfect.
That was my husband. I married him cuz he was so much fun to be around. But after marriage, he ignored me. I felt I had made a big mistake in marrying him. There's a great guy named Jonathon Aslay who makes videos about how to know if someone would be a good match for you.
THISSS
Living with this is like breaking both your legs and still having someone screaming and yelling at you to run.
"I want connect with other people I just won't have any idea how because you don't connect with me or yourself."
Damn that hit me hard:(
@nycgingercat Yep… this is me🙄
Did you ever think the parent wanted to connect with the child but they themselves weren’t ever taught how…..?
It’s really not hard to give someone a hug and ask how they are. It’s not hard to genuinely care about someone. If that’s something that you have to learn, you should have never had kids to begin with. Completely selfish, there is no excuse. I used to make excuses until I reached the age that they were and realised I wouldn’t even treat my DOG like that, let alone a child
This is how I was raised.....it's also how I started raising my kids. Literally heard my mom fall out of my mouth and knew things had to change. I make it a point to ask how my kids days are, give them advice when they ask for it. I do try very hard to connect with them. My kids are a blessing to me, and I never want to mistreat my blessings. They deserve an emotional connection as much as I did, so it's a must to make sure that connection is there.
Can I ask a very personal question? I don't have kids out of fear of turning into mother. Is there ever a part of you that ever feels or thinks that it's unfair that your kids are getting what you didn't?? Not in anyway that's bad or towards your kids just as a general thought?
thank you for putting in the extra effort to try to break the cycle
@@alyseh9539I almost feel like it could be healing in a way to see your kids blossom in ways you weren't allowed to. Coming from someone who also doesn't have kids lol.
Thank you for having this awareness and changing for the betterment of your children. What seems like such a small thing is a HUGE foundation for their growth and well being💜
@@alyseh9539People are aware of that feeling,which is a kind of jealousy from childhood deprivation. Just see it for what is is, that it's a reaction to the presence of children, it's going to remind you of the hat you didn't get. As long as you understand that the cycle ends with you, you'll be fine. Children are designed to need their parents for a certain number of years, and this can be triggering. It's wise that you can actually admit to, and know WHAT you are feeling. It's a good sign, such self- honesty. If this affects how you interact with the kids,that's another story. It means you have unresolved trauma,and need therapy for it.
Even worse: when the emotionally absent mother *does* come ask how you are, but then walks away without another word when you say anything other than that you’re fine.
Yes, seems like when you isolate yourself, they come tu you fue to boredom instead of actually wanting to know how you feel.
Oh I know this one well. I was SO lonely as a child and have grown up to be a lonely adult, no matter how many people I have to interact with.
:/
I actually feel this
my narc/emotionally absent mom is weirdly the opposite. if im "fine" she walks away and has no interest in what i'm doing or will criticize me. but if there's drama or something going on suddenly she wants to not only know, but take over and try to fix it as if its her own problem. as a kid i got used to mostly only receiving attention when i was injured, bullied, sick, or upset. as well as hiding everything i was actually interested in or that made me genuinely happy from my mom out of fear she would criticize it or me for liking it.
It’s even worse when you’ve been neglected emotionally as a child and my mom seems to connect with her bf without any problems ☠️
): ❤
this lol this
oh yes...men are always more important then her own children
@@DK-eu2opGeez. She’s missing out. Not wanting to be seen as a single mom? How blind.
At least you can authentically connect with people. Proceed with your good life. 👍
"Tolerated" but not "Accepted", is the phrase I think a lot of these kids would explain their future relationships with parents like this.
Exactly-especially if you're in any way out of their (aka general wasp american) norm. Lgbtq, different beliefs than theirs, alternative style, not an academic mastermind, not interested in high paying jobs--they'll slowly say 'well, that's okay I *guess*' and the undertone is always clear that they mean for /other/ people, but not you
Perfectly said. We settle for that in every relationship.
Remember people, food and shelter is the BARE MINIMUM. If that’s the only thing you provide for your child you are a bad parent.
It’s more than a lot of us get… have some gratitude, it might help you be less miserable of a person.
@@NeverYours-c5gThe absence of those things is a criminal offense that ideally should be punished by law, that's the point. A parent who refuses to provide food and shelter doesn't have the legal right to be a parent. Doing the bare minimum required of you by national law doesn't absolve parents of wrongdoings. You are comparing abuse to even worse abuse.
@@NeverYours-c5g
Have to agree.
@@NeverYours-c5glike kindness is free? Sure some parents struggle to provide but holding that over a child's head is abuse, which is the point here. My family lived in a tent at a campground for awhile when I was a toddler. I get it. Just because we eventually had a house doesn't mean my mother's physical, emotional and verbal abuse was like okay...
That's not even the bare minimum, that's their JOB
The best part is when they flip that around when you get older and expect you to know how to bring your problems to them even though all you’ve learned is that that results in them scolding you, or yelling you, or throwing a mug at your head
Literally "Why didn't you just fucking tell me you wouldn't have gotten in trouble but you didn't tell me" but if you do it doesn't change anything
This! Having issues with my 83 year old mom now begging us kids to talk to her more often after a lifetime of ridicule and emotional abuse. Ummm no thank you!!
This is why after growing up like this, I literally remind myself to not point out their wrong doings during moments when I can be connecting with them. Its so easy to nitpick as a parent but thats so harmful to kids. Leave correction for specific times and just focus on building the trust and comfort as a priority!
Literally my mom!! She’s always complaining about how I don’t talk to her or tell her anything but it’s like we never talked before? The only thing I heard from you was criticism and ridicule growing up, why would I wanna talk to you now?
Totally my dad when I told him I had made the decision of getting divorced. He kept screaming that he had given "counseling" to many church couples and asking/demanding why I never went to him for advice.
I said "because you never judged and screamed at those couples but you are starting to scream at me right now. I am an adult and make my own informed decisions. I came here to inform you of my divorce".
This is so true what the mum says " I provide a roof over your head and you have a warm bed". Yep I was told that all the time. I have not a single memory of being hugged by my mum or any kind of interaction physical or emotional interaction except when being told what to do
@@caroli216if every previous generation can claim having a more difficult situation growing up than the next there is no reason to reflect or try to find out what the proper way to raise children is. It’s hard to imagine a situation in human advancement where the time before the advancement was not harder. It’s one thing to say there is no manual for raising kids (words from my own mother) and then another thing to enter adulthood with no idea how to look after yourself because nobody bothered to see if you know to look after yourself. I mean that’s how it seems from my perspective.
@@JasonP-d7f I'm pretty sure you and I are saying the same thing, that reflection and trying to find out what the proper way to raise children is. "Ought we aspire to be and provide the best, of course. And its excellent to introspect and heal our pain, feed our inner parts."
I'm just adding that releasing the hurt from our past is essential for our own healing, at least that's my experience. It's one thing that we were let down, it's another thing when we continue to let ourselves down going forward after reflecting. That's where forgiveness sets us free to love and look after ourselves fully. "But its also important to see when a dis. Abled person gave the best they knew how. Forgiveness and awareness ought to be part of our healing journey. Forgiveness doesn't mean approval. It means letting go of the belief that we are defined or limited by those experiences and releasing those people and circumstances from being bound to our future story. "
And as we forgive and release the cords tying us to the past we become more able to love our children, and all the people around us, from our best place. I just think forgiveness helps the forgiver.
So sad how much our parents screw us up and we then have to struggle and try to put it right
this
That's the unfortunate part about this whole thing but you can still fight another day! Don't let them take you down. They've already settled into their ways..you have so much more to live for than to be someone's emotional slave.❤❤❤❤
You can say that and I know they say: jeah but your parents are from another generation they did their best and have their trauma.
Well, I have my traumatic stuff and I'm not perfect but I'm still respectful, soft hearted and not dismissive.
@@peaceofmindofpeace1650 so true
And i love the comments around here it makes me feel less alone 😊
I think it is a Both/And kind of thing… we can be utterly devastated by our upbringing, and our caregivers may well be the reason~
Yet they themselves would have been somehow wounded or poorly raised in their own right, or they would not have abused or neglected their children as they have. It’s an unhappy lineage, isn’t it?
And yet, we can begin to change that our very selves, in the way that we parent our children… and re-parent ourselves… and in the ways that we do our work and teach or care for others. Once we successfully trace back to the root of the problem, we might benefit from remaining there just long enough to work through our understanding, and then to let go of the blame. Then we can fully move forward without anger or shame tying us to the past.
With an inventory of our skills, dreams and intentions, we can meet ourselves where we are, and let our potential take us forward, while enriched and humbled by the stories that show us the arc of human experience.
Forgive my waxing poetic though~ there appears to be a disseminating moon above me 😎.
I remember thinking it was so weird that other kids' parents would actually listen to them and want to know what they're thinking and feeling without judgement 😆 It was a foreign concept to me. I'm so grateful that this information is widely acceptable now and our generation has the unprecedented opportunity for mass healing. It truly is amazing. We can be free and whole in a way previous generations couldn't ❤
Also just like... Doing things for them when they're both there. Every time I went to someone elses home and their parents offered to do something for me or gave me a snack themselves I broke a little inside
@@aff77141 i was immediately suspicious...wats the power angle here?
@@aff77141even as an adult, when my newer friends or any of my friends’ parents offer me something, even as a guest, even if I would enjoy it, I just kind of automatically frantically backpedal into extreme polite refusals because I don’t know how to accept.
I agree
@@aff77141I remember going through this 😢
This hit me too hard. These are the words that I've never been able to come up with to describe my childhood and why I'm an adult with a ridiculous need to be seen and acknowledged.
I feel you so, so hard. I grew up and realized 'oh shit', a while ago. I'm missing pieces and trying to learn things from childhood I didn’t even know existed.
Keep going and be your own parent. Give yourself everything you need inside and out.
Same experience, opposite outcome. I prefer being discreet. lack of self love and knowledge on how ntl deal with my emotions.
My life just flashed before my eyes. Holy hell.
Sendin you strength. It’s now up to you to meet your emotional, psychological, mental and physical needs.
❤
My mom came from an abusive household so this did not come naturally to her, but she really tried. My dad not as much. The TV was his best friend. I ended up finding comfort in isolation.. but I do have empathy for their experiences.
Kids literally just want your love and attention and they give back so much more. Its so simple and they are like pure joy and sweetness in a little person, what a blessing children are. Just being around children is so beautiful and special all children. Im only an aunt but I know they are indeed Gods greatest gift.
Okay algorithm ya didn't have to throw this incredibly specific brick directly at me...
My jaw dropped. Things are making sense to me now. I hope I didn't end up doing the same thing with my children. This explains a lot.
I literally felt the same way 😢
seriously
Lmao right???
I loved my mom more than anything, but I grew up so completely emotionally neglected.
The part left out of this, is the part where the mother then feels attacked for the daughter having attempted to explain how that hurts and then spends 20 minutes yelling at them more. This then leads to a whole anxiety/panic attack meltdown and they then say its an over reaction. This video summarizes basically my entire childhood, and it has left me with so much mental and emotion trauma that will never get addressed nor resolved... however seeing things like that helps me feel valid.. like it was never me who was the problem.. so thank you.
Oh my gosh yes that’s me too. Bringing anything up just makes me feel like it’s all in my head. Nothing gets dealt with & they feel guilty because they weren’t “perfect parents” but that’s not what I’m saying. But then they shut down and don’t let me explain, leaving me feeling even more frustrated and shut down. I think we all have up years ago. But then it all came out on Christmas Day, when you can only play the “perfect family” for a certain amount of hours. I basically got told that I am the problem because they all get along fine. They don’t even notice their dysfunction or that they are making me feel silenced. Or that everyone else in the world communicates the way that I do and I’m not actually the weird one 😔 I have just learnt to bottle and then explode. Trying to communicate with them has proven futile over and over. They don’t want to change and I need to be ok with that. It was the psychologist who eventually made me see how toxic things were. I blamed myself for years. They just don’t have the toolkit to know what to do with a highly sensitive creative person who has high functioning adhd (I’ve learnt how to set alarms & work on things without medication) and likes to communicate well. They prefer to just shut everything off & keep “getting on” with life.. even though it’s actually not good coping skills/emotional regulation. Argh
Same. Youre not alone, finally started going to therapy at 27. I buried it down and its like going through it all over again, but its helping…slowly. Best of luck to you, dont ever stop fighting!
This would be a narcissistic parent. I'm so sorry. 🥺
Exactly… THIS 😢.
Wow. I got lectures, told to go to my room but she'd attempt to connect with a hug but then lecture again. I never had time to process. I realized when she had dementia that she never wanted to see her mom in heaven she was so mean, after she was gone her mother was more awful. She tried but sucked it shaped my life.
The saddest part is when you try to connect with them and ask them about their day and how much you love them but they just seem to be annoyed and waiting for your interaction with them is over.
"if they would understand that easily, the problems would have not arisen in the first place. "
I heard it in a "school of life" video. I always think about it, when scene like you describe happen.
I was this parent, but I realized it's because I'm Autistic and never should have reproduced in the first place. Had I had a proper upbringing and better sex education, maybe that would have helped.
EDIT: If y'all don't stop assuming shit, I stg. My adult children and I are on good terms now. They've understood and accepted my apologies and that I am autistic and was used and abused by the sperm donors they call their dad.
Kindly eat rocks.
@@M00NdaYndo not blame it only on autism, while it may have been a factor, it is not the full cause. Part of it is still you
@@M00NdaYnbabe it’s still your responsibility to get the proper therapy/help and not be a shitty parent.
@@M00NdaYn"and never should have reproduced" i really hope you worded that wrong. otherwise that's... pretty heartbreaking. not for you, but for your kid.
My therapist once said, your mother provided a perfect structure for emptiness. And that's so on point.
I am a 50 year old woman and you've just thrown my childhood in my face. Mom's gone now but this validates a lot of things I've been thinking about these last few years. Thank you!!
Sista far sure she is a War child, or grew up straight after WW II. Absolutely same here to many Germans. 🙄
I showed my Adoptive Mom how to hug with 28. She was easy 60 something back then.
At least her Daughter got a hug the next day.
My Sis never dared to ask before. 😢
The same for me. I'm 57. My Mum died last year and I realized I didn't really know her that well. She was evacuated as a child during the war and had a hard time. It affected her confidence around people. I just don't think she was good at expressing her emotions. It's like she was in the house when she was alive but not actually present with me. I envy girls today who have great relationships with their Mums.
I am 45 and completely understand this. Sending hope.for healing! ❤
Same, but I'm 37 and my mom is still upright. Just as unaccountable and absent as ever....it's a shame. No grandma for my daughter or great grandma for my grandson.
@@heatherg5006I’m sorry to hear that. I’m 53 and my mom is still here. It will never get better
Oh man this made me cry. This 1000% my relationship with my father. I am now in my mid-30's with no friends & I literally do not understand how to connect with people.
Thank you for putting this into the world.
Remember as a kid what you liked to do? What helped me was to find groups that did those things. Take art classes, hiking groups, swim aerobics. Go to a story telling group and learn how to tell stories. I ended up telling stories in front of 400 people.
Same
Same. Im a few weeks shy of 30. No friends, no job, shut in nut with depression and anxiety. My parents destroyed me.
Same here. I suck at all relationships. Therapy hasn't worked yet. I struggle to connect with my son. I have no idea how he's more confident and social then me. I must have accidentally not messed him up as much as me.
Same
Realizing how much my mom was there for me. I’m gonna go give her a hug.
you are lucky :)
nobody asked
@@Beatz_by_Tp_the_donjust bc you're miserable doesn't even people can't be happy
I’m jealous, cherish her💖💖💖
@@Beatz_by_Tp_the_donoh bloody hell, quit being so sour just because mommy never showed you the attention you needed as a kid and genuinely consider therapy
I remember crying to my mom bc I didn’t have any friends and she told me I had to be friendly to make friends but she never gave me the skills to be close to anyone. I still struggle keeping connections going.
Same
My mom is such a big sadist. She is mean and cold she curses me when I tell how I feel my existence itself is a problem to her
I had this mom. Learned to be very independent and self-sufficient, but became desperately anxious and lonely and depressed. Still working through how to feel emotions because I've shut them out for so long. Being vulnerable and being dismissed instead of comforted in response felt far worse than whatever I was initially feeling. This is probably why I turned to poetry, so I could express my emotions without them being directly criticized.
Same & it affects me until adulthood because I was trained to be a people pleaser.
Me too and also for the poetry as well.
I'm glad you've found an outlet. Good luck
I kinda went the other way with it, I never feel lonely and never have (at least to my recollection) It has made me independent but also sometimes it leaves me feeling like there’s something wrong with me, for feeling like this. Like why don’t I miss my friends or why am I fine to not talk to anyone for days on end when they really miss and want to talk to me? It makes me feel like an asshole tbh. I do think it’s really nice that you turned your feelings into something beautiful with your poetry and I hope writing it brings you and others who read it some peace.
I also turned to writing at a very early age. I wrote almost obsessively, never really connected that this may have been the reason. It gave me a voice when nobody would listen.
big hugs for anyone else who burst into tears just hearing this....
Hugs! ❤
Ain't got no tears left to crYyY...
Yup
🤗😥🤗
I felt gut punched by the reality of this video... because it was my experience. I am the youngest of seven children. But even if it was just me, I still think my Mom would have been the same way. She suffered her own trauma. How could she give to me what she couldn't give herself? I'm still healing and ALLOWING all those bottled up feelings to have a voice. I LOVE ME as a child NOW. I am very aware and loving with my child... Even when I mess up with her, I apologize and we talk about our feelings. I don't ever want her to feel invisible. And I want to show that parents are still people learning about themselves and growing, just like her. Therapy has helped me years ago. And now channels like this are AMAZING TOOLS to help me understand things EVEN MORE! I FEEL SO SEEN!♥️♥️♥️ Love to all those having the courage to tackle inner work...YES-YOU ARE AMAZING!🥰
I remember when I was a kid and when my parents would talk to me I would wonder what was wrong and feel uncomfortable (especially if they were being nice). It felt like when a CEO visits your shitty retail business location and tries to act like a friend.
That’s a fucking awesome comparison. Or when the president visits Katrina 😂
@@lindboknifeandtooli felt this in my soul escpecially bc i was at camp w/ my family and friends cause we just escaped smth else AND ALL OF A SUDDEN IT STARTS RAINING AND A BIG ASS WAVE HITS US ALL LIKE WHAT THE HECK IS GOING OONNNNN
(im sorry for ranting its just *sigh* *that thing* was crazy and scary as hell ngl. I was just barely 3 btw if that helps put anything into perspective)
I can hard relate to walking on eggshells because your parents constantly move the goal posts. My mother refused to ever admit that she was wrong or didn't know something and was constantly gaslighting me (I never said that, you're remembering it wrong, why would I lie?). It's makes it so stressful as an adult to trust people or even your own instincts. Like even actually at work I'll be low key wondering if I'm doing well or if I'm being secretly set up to fail.
OMG this is... Ugh ☠️☠️☠️
Holy shit we had the same parents. I felt like an employee on the verge of being fired my whole life. And I wasn't even a bad fucking kid!!
This was my mom. Growing up I don’t remember her ever playing with me and she made a clear boundary of personal space and we all had our own rooms. She’s so loving and wonderful and truly did the best she could but man was she super critical and some days didn’t have much to say unless she was tearing into me for something I did wrong.
My mother was exactly the same way. She escaped to her corner of the house and let us exist on our own. When I was 58, I told her that I didn’t recall a time when she sat with me to discuss what was on my mind or give me loving advice in anything. It’s sad to know this was my childhood. I’m 62 now. I’m learning how to heal from the neglect and abuse if my childhood.
What was her response if she had one?
@@nicp2994 she replied “you’re right.”
^
I hope you can heal and break the pattern, and be present for everyone you love in your life. Wishing you the best 🙏🏼
That wasn’t neglect or abuse. You expecting too much. I was raised same way and don’t feel like I was neglected or abused. It gave me place to grow, independence , had friends to talk to .What is wrong with ppl, they reach 60 and decide to bitch at the poor parents .
This hit home. Excuse was well you had a home, food and basic necessities. Love and affection are also necessities. Freedom from constant criticism and emotional abuse is a must too.
YES, THANK YOU
OMG
I'm crying inside, because I just don't want to hurt myself doing it externally. Why did we not get these necessities? Why couldn't we just have real parents who know/knew how to give us these things we need?
Parenting should be under a license, like driving and gun control. It cannot be fucking like this anymore. There needs to be a way to ensure you can break the cycle of trauma torture for good. At least I got my tubes fixed, so I will never fall prey to emotionally needing a therapist out of my birthed child when I'd want to genuinely love them without lasting hangups getting in the way of our relationship. Sometimes I've actually wanted to make my own child, but...not like that. I show my love to all of my "children" by not bringing them into such a garbage broken world. Only until it's fixed will it ever be safe.
These words could so easily be coming out of my mouth 😢🫂
Werd. Narcissistic parents can’t feel empathy and or sensitivity.
Yep and then you get demonized for complaining about lack of support while having the necessities
@@DemonPikachuWhy the duck would you want to say that? It's such a "wholier than thou" comment. There are so many people learning to try to heal that trauma, trying to do better than, or understand themselves, society is really cruel and criticising people for going through childhood trauma in the first place, which often leads to poverty and victim blaming. Already inching close to eugenics thinking. And here you are saying what a gift it is to the world to NOT have kids if being through trauma. Your choice for YOUrself not to have children. Don't guilt other people into thinking they'd be a lesser parent too. It's like saying hell, I'm prone to get cancer because a relative had it, might chop off my breast before anything shoves up, because really not interested in working it out or taking chemo in case it won't do anything. At least you're aware, at least you know what you look for.
The difference between our parents and us is that we're at least interested in trying to get help for it, being aware of it, often spending half of our lives to get the help NOT to redo what they did.
I dreamt of having my own family my whole life, to love them like nothing else.
So shut up.
I've heard your kind of argument again and again. The lower one goes on the financial ladder, the higher it sounds. "How irresponsible bringing a kid to it all would be".
No-one ever talks about how corrosive it is having lots of love but nowhere to go except dreaming in another dimension
Because life here on earth is fucking meaningless.
So shut the fuck up about your tubes. It doesn't make you a better human or "sacrificing to better good"
It does nothing to humanity but makes less children of those who are at aware and know what they longed for. It won't change a thing in a bigger picture. It just makes the privileged more privileged.
It is your choice. Don't guilt people into thinking it should be theirs too.
The definition of "I shouldn't have had kids. But I did anyways "
@@KAY.BEE1If a person is calling out bad parenting or abuse, that's not being " judgemental." Black parents insist on the free pass being an abusive parent, simply because it's a tradition, and the mistaken belief that only White parents are loving to their children, or never beat them. Small wonder that America has the highest rates of child abuse among Western countries !! And the prisons are full of formerly abused children,who grew up. Even in Africa and the Caribbean this also true.
@@KAY.BEE1 what???
Bro i asked her did you make me for social Money and she Said YES
@@KAY.BEE1wtf???
@@KAY.BEE1wth???????
This absolutely resonates with me. My mother was also emotionally and verbally abusive. I’m so thankful I’ve learned from her what not to do with my children. I’m not perfect, but I’m working to be a good parent for my daughters. Work in progress.
This is the BEST thing you can do! Break the curse. Your kids will be so grateful (maybe unknowingly for a while) ❤️
I was born in the 70s gen X. My boomer mom came up to me and actually said these things to me and said it’s because her father/mom never gave her that attention and it just feels weird and uncomfortable for her. I was only like 7 or 8 but we had a long discussion about it and idk why but it made me feel good. It was my first “adult” convo with my mom.😅 in the end her point was “I love you so much and would do anything for you” even if I do not physically show you all the time. It just helped is all I’m trying to say for parents who may struggle with this…
See that’s wonderful.. it’s important to communicate, take accountability, and be honest with someone no matter their age. Like you said, you appreciated that “grown up/ real talk” kind of conversation. you learned that her boundaries weren’t a punishment or caused by something you did. you also learned that everyone has a different way of showing love! thank you for sharing!
Heck yeah! This kinda thing is really harmful because of the uncertainty it creates; if your mom told you directly that she had a hard time with those interactions but made sure you knew for certain how much she cared about you and how you felt, then she still did the job - she just used different tools. 🥺
My mom did some substitutions like that too and I’m really well adjusted because she was aware of her blind spots and let me know that… well, that they were HER blind spots and not MY deficits. ❤
This is me with my kids. It’s very very hard for me. I pray often about it and know realize that I am doing it sometimes and I try and figure out how to correct it but it is so hard sometimes.
It’s really cool to hear (from a kid perspective) that you liked those types of convos. Thanks for sharing.
I constantly tell my kids this
My mother was emotionally unavailable throughout my entire childhood. I always thought she didn’t like my personality or just me in general. She’d go weeks without speaking to me if she was mad and I’d have to eat dinners by myself during these times too. Because of this I became very independent and I’m grateful for that but I was always really lonely. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I understood things that a little child never could. My older brother died at 4 by falling into the lake during a church event. My father had already left us and by this time she was finalizing the divorce. She was a single mother trying to juggle the pain and heartache of losing a marriage and a child while still having to care for me too. As an adult I can understand now it was too much heartache for her to handle all alone. After years of separation she finally reached out to me and laid all her demons out. She didn’t want to live. After Joey died she said she felt like she died with him. She only held on because I was there. She tried and I’m proud that she held on.
Awe I’m sorry for your loss I’m sure it was hard for you too, you’re amazing at the empathy you have for your mother ..you’re a beautiful soul
Sending you much love and hugs! I admire your heart! I hope you can connect now and create good memories for the two of you!
Your poor mum ❤
Many stories are like this! Our parents don't hate us. They are only doing the best they can.
It really is true that they do the best they can. It's just never perfect. ThanQ for sharing and tearing me up
This is 1000% my dad every single day.
He always provides for me financially but gaslights me almost everyday over the smallest things and doesn't know how to show people his affection and love 😢
this
the threats of taking away things or not paying for something because you choose to love people around you they don’t want you to, is so fucking hard bro. It just feels wrong. I will always love people hard because I know what it feels like to not be loved the way I need.
My dad is the same! 😃 it sucks so much. 😞😔
Same with my dad homie. Youre not alone, i understand bro😢
My dad is similar. He acts like i don't live up to my potential while simultaneously treating me like I'm not capable of doing so. Then he gives me a hard time about how I turned out. Like dude you were supposed to raise ME. Gaslight was a good choice of words
As good as this video is, it doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface in regard to the effects of this type of abuse/neglect. It ruins lives. Thank you for bringing awareness. It’s validation to those of us who have experienced it personally.
The part about not being able to connect with others because of parents not connecting with children finally puts words to what I've been experiencing. Thank you for shedding light on topics like this🙏
Yes. This is me, now recently having became an adult. Still have no idea how to connect with other people
Same
The circle goes round and round
Oh so that's why
I was the emotionally absent parent. My daughter is the one who pointed it out to me. I've been working on myself for years and getting better and giving her the support she needs. There are many factors as to why I was emotionally absent and none of them have anything to do with not loving or caring for my daughter. I didn't know how to show love. I was never shown love. I do my best every day to show up for her tho!
To help you understand your daughter’s perspective a little more: Would you stay with a man who loves you but cannot show it at all, and is completely unable to meet your emotional needs? If you were really in a relationship like that, how long would you stay in it for?
Probably not very long. It would be soul-crushing to live with someone like that. Since they don’t know how to show love, your spirit would not be nourished; you would be very starved for affection and comfort and care.
The only difference is, you can’t break up with your mother and find a new, better mother who can meet your needs.
Your poor daughter.
I’m not trying to guilt you, but to help you realise how difficult it must be for your daughter. It’s good that you’re conscious and aware, and improving yourself. Don’t be consumed by guilt, but feel empathy for your daughter.
@@TofuTeo oh, I completely understand her perspective on many levels. My parents ignored me, which taught me that's how things are supposed to be. In turn, I grew up and was in relationships with men who ignored me and treated me horribly when they gave me 'attention'. Up until my daughter was born, I didn't realize a lot of things, sadly. Her dad was the worst and unfortunately I didn't realize that until after she was born. She's 9 now and I've learned a lot being her mom. I left her dad when she was young and when she learned to talk she told me how my actions, or lack of them, made her feel. Knowing where she is coming from, I completely understood and felt horrible. That's not how I wanted to be. It was a difficult change for me, not because of her, but I was stuck in a household with my dad and brother and they did everything they could to take everything I had. My money, time, sanity, everything. I barely could pay attention to my child because they wouldn't allow it. I wasn't even allowed time for myself. It got to the point they would shut off the water if I tried to shower. Or if I tried to do laundry they would interrupt it, take my clothes out, and do laundry so I couldn't. The bills were over $1000 a month and I was the only one paying them, plus buying all groceries, giving rides on my dime and would be laughed at for asking for gas money. I had to work 10-12 hour shifts to come home and clean just so I could feed my daughter and I because they would use every dish as quickly as possible we also had dogs they refused to let out, letting them go potty all over the house, which was mostly dried by the time I got home. I refused to eat with all that around so at 11pm I'd have to come home, clean all that and more, finally be able to eat and go to bed by maybe 2-4am and then had to be up at 7 for daycare and work. These things were done intentionally to me. Why? Good question, I'd love to know that too. Anyway, we finally got out of all that and I've been healing and working to be a better parent. I'm not perfect. I also found a wonderful man who I've been with for 6 years and he also helps me realize a lot from her perspective. She has parents who love her very much. Her dad is out of the picture, but that's where he belongs. I wake up every day with the intention of doing better for my daughter.
@@ragedpuma7564 Mothers who haven't learnt the lesson of loving and respecting themselves -- and that includes not allowing yourself to be mistreated by others, or overworked, or exploited -- fail to teach their daughters self-love and respect too. If you constantly abandon yourself, you will also abandon your daughter, and also be a terrible role model for her (teaching her that self-abandonment is normal, or even good)
Let this be a warning to all mothers reading this. Self-abandonment, inability to love and respect yourself, failture to stand up to your abusers etc. -- those things not only harm you, but also your children.
My mother's failure to protect me had to do with her failure to protect herself. And her failure to love me also had to do with her failure to love and take care of herself. Not to mention my mother was also deeply insecure and full of self-hatred and self-flagellation, which made her a narcissistic and unloving mother during stressful times.
All the things you described above of your plight -- those are not normal situations. You stayed a helpless victim in them for too long, and your poor daughter was dragged alongside. You lacked the faith and courage and wisdom to get OUT of those situations sooner.
You can only love others well if you know how to love yourself well. If you abandon yourself and put up with mistreatment, you will allow your daughter to be mistreated too -- she turns into a helpless victim like you, instead of an empowered person.
You let yourself work crazy hours and barely get enough rest to function and be sane. I'm sure there were reasons for it, but if you had acted in faith and self-love, and prioritised your needs, you would've likely found out that life actually takes care of itself. "The bills were over $1000 a month and I was the only one paying them, play buying all groceries, giving rides on my dime" -- Now why would you do that? Especially when you were the income-earner and could've just kicked them out assertively, or moved to a new place (if they refused) to build a peaceful life for you and your daughter? Being self-abandoning for family members who don't reciprocate your kindness is not "noble self-sacrifice"; it's a lack of self-love and self-respect, which will have deleterious effects.
@ragedpuma7564 As an adult with an emotionally absent father (and to an extent, mother), and severely narcissistic mother: *I APPLAUD YOU.* You don't know how rare it is in this situation for you to hear, process, and strive to change and do better. That means more than you will ever know. Keep up the great work. You are doing wonderful. I'm sure your daughter appreciates it 💙💙
Oh hon, i feel you.
I am kinda absent to my eldest and try my damnest to combat it everyday. It's very hard for me to connect and bond with him, he was born when i wasn't ready for a child, i did try my best for him, but i think it isn't enough.
It's not helping that both of us are neurodivergent, he doesn't like being touched since little, and that makes bonding more difficult for me who craves touches. We are under going therapy at the moment because i want the best for him, but my delivery sometimes gets lost in translation.
Ugh that “not being able to connect with others because you never connect with me” was crippling for me, didn’t make a single friend in school or otherwise until I was *15* and even then it was another socially awkward kid taking me under their wing 😅
I didn't usually keep friends from school to school year usually they were almost entirely a new set of people and unless someone said their name often enough I didn't always know their names or I knew the nickname that other people called them because we rarely had classes together. I spent time in the library in middle school so I didn't have to connect with kids who had already rejected me at that point.
Now as a mom myself I am trying to connect with other people but we had to let go of friends, my husband and I, because we got tired of doing all the work all of the time to maintain a friendship. My husband and I are best friends and this whole marriage thing has made it easy for us to almost feel like we are just hanging out every day, parenthood has changed it a ton as well as other life changes. But even with kids we try and make things fun for them and we have issues with not inconveniencing others with our kids because some people had our introduction to parenthood made us and our babies unwelcome in a lot of places so we feel they aren't really welcome in many places at all still as they have gotten older. I miss being able to go on dates and have time where it is just my husband and I but it seems like we have kids who act like they need us exactly when we want to be left alone with just each other.
Sorry I am rambling a lot, but I get where you are coming from, finding it hard to maintain friendships during school and now well past my school years.
Wow, did I need to see this! When I was a kid being bullied in school and I told my parents about it, they both basically blew me off. I've been on my own for most of my life. My religious fanatic mother reminded me constantly that I must honor my father and my mother. I asked her once why kids couldn't be honored, too. She slapped my face. Another commenter said we need to re-parent ourselves. I agree, and I've been doing so for years. It has helped a lot. ❤
my partner was parented like this. She is so so loved and valued now, but of course it doesn't totally undo the trauma of the past. To everyone who lived through this: your thoughts, opinions, feelings, joys and struggles matter, and you deserve support, connections and gentleness ❤
Don't believe you. I don't deserve anything.
❤
Thank you ❤
@@Hi_BrienYes, yes you do! YOU MATTER! ❤
(And... I love your hat-flipping!) 🧢
relatable, as a child I felt like my mom wanted me to grow up fast cause she had many older kids and when we could start doing things together is when she really was there
this is what my mom was like and it's permanently damaged my psychological health. I'm 29 and still struggling with my "mommy issues"
same. it's ruined 90% of my friendships. you're not alone.
same here.
Same, although for me its emotionally distant daddy issues and my mum is just a narcissistic compulsive liar.
i understand. stay safe. you got this.
i'm sorry. you're not alone in your experience.@@MagentaDinosaurs
Not only does this lead to anxiety and depression, it causes you to have low self esteem, never developing a strong sense of your own self identity. And abandonment with emotional absence often leads to poor judgment with romantic partners. I know I found myself seeking the parent/caretaker type, which never worked for obvious reasons. I was unaware that I was seeking the things I lacked from my mother. Not to mention all of the embarrassing years I went to school not knowing how to dress myself normally, style my hair, apply makeup correctly, etc. I had to learn all of the basics the hard way because I was never taught. In her defense, she didn’t know how to do most of the hygiene stuff herself.
Your videos have helped me be more empathetic towards my mom and understanding how she also coped as a child is the way she taught me how to cope as a child :(
This is exactly what my relationship with my parents was like. Any time I’ve tried to talk to them about it as an adult, they only focus on the fact that they “did” so much for me as a kid, and not the fact that they were never really there. Half the stuff they “did” was stuff I couldn’t care less about anyways and only happened to make them look like good parents from the outside. Stuff they could brag to their friends and coworkers about, meanwhile I spent my entire childhood stressed, depressed, and basically raised by video games and the internet. I have massive difficulties as an adult and granted, am old enough where I should take responsibility for my own failings, but I deeply resent that I was granted “artificial” parents meanwhile others had the real thing.
Thanks for sharing. Sometimes our parents don't have a clue about our feelings. (I now understand why I listen more to other people than my parents. And why we get influenced by social media so much)
I totally relate. What makes it even kore frustrating is that my parents had bad childhoods, so youd think they wouls learn from it and be better parents.
@infinitum8558 that's why they say "you can't pour from an empty cup" do the dreaded question is "how will we be as parents" then the cycle continues. I like to be a parent one day so I'm working on my healing.
@@infinitum8558They probably were abused in other ways and thought they were doing better by not abusing their children physically or sxlly. They didn't know about emotional neglect back then... heck, most people don't know about it today. They couldn't give what they were never given themselves.
THIS! Just today I had a discussion about this with my mother. I tried to explain to her how in the past she didn't teach me to be vulnerable with her, and she kept saying "so you're trying to say how I was the worst mother in the world... I did so much for you!" ... Like you should really get outta your own ass and listen to me once, instead of getting butthurt about me saying ONE negative thing about her. And btw it was her who started the convo, not me... -.-
I thank God every day for my mom. She was so loving and open with me growing up, but also great about setting boundaries. When she was mad at me she didn't usually yell. Instead, she would say "I love you but right now I'm mad at you. You need to go to your room so I can calm down." She still recalls the time I did the same thing to her. She made me mad so I said "Mom, I love you but you're making me really mad right now! I'm going to my room to calm down."
Every child deserves a mother like mine.
Love that, I love you but I'm mad at you right now and need to calm down. I'm going to use that going forward. Thank you for sharing!
You are so lucky 🍀 I'm so jealous
Thank you for sharing :)
You sent your own self to your room 😂 this is precious
❤
I‘m 28 and I could never understand what was „wrong“ with my mom. This explains it so well.
Brutal honesty.
People, love your children well.
I remember a while back a lot of people were liking the scene in Fences where Denzel Washington plays a dad and they have a whole talk where the son is like, “i fee like you’ve never loved me once.” And Denzel’s character is just like,” “Good, that’s not my job. I’m supposed to feed and clothe you, I don’t have to _like_ you.”
And I just remember the heartbreak I get seeing so many people being like, “finally, someone gets it. That’s how real men parent their kids!”
It sucks that so many people genuinely can’t see how they’re failing their kids so badly when they do shit like this.
toxic masculinity.......
Yeah that is kinda of sad considering one of the themes of the movie was letting go of anger and hate caused by the trauma imparted on you by your parents so your children don't have to deal with those same traumas.
But people watching just a UA-cam short may not have the context of having seen the whole film so what can you do.
The "I may love you, but I don't like you" line... Legit, if kids are reflections of the parents behaviour/person. What they're saying I guess, is they're saying really, is they neither love nor like themselves one bit.
Exactly.
As a clinical psychologist who works with kids and teenagers, you nailed it.
My mom screamed at me in January and accused me of only ever seeing her as a “coin purse” (she’s the breadwinner in our family while my dad was a stay-at-home parent who hopped between teaching jobs as I got older, so my mom paid for our insurance and all other expenses). When she asked me what the word “mom” meant to me, I literally couldn’t answer her. She was emotionally absent but still expected me and my brothers to take care of her emotionally when we weren’t even equipped to take care of ourselves emotionally. I’m 23 and I still don’t know what moms are supposed to do other than make money while the dad stays home or stay home while the dad makes money. Because of her being emotionally neglectful while also parentifying me and my brothers, I ended up with a disorganized (also called anxious-avoidant or fearful-avoidant) attachment style, which I’m in therapy trying to fix. Basically I crave closeness and emotional safety, but the idea of it is scary because it’s not familiar to me, so I lose touch with my own emotions and others’ emotions. My brain tends to shut down when emotions are high. It’s also extremely difficult for me to ask for help or even identify what my needs are because I wasn’t taught how to do that as a kid and I learned that the only person I could trust was myself. Emotionally absent parents cause real harm, even if they don’t realize it.
"what does the word mom mean to you?" damn that's some narcissistic bs. I'm so sorry for you. Like she needs to look in a mirror and ask HERSELF that question.
You just described how I am currently after dealing with my dad for so long. He is emotionally absent but is good at faking like he isn't. He'll say he loves me and is proud of me, but his actions don't show real investment in me and the things I care about, and conversations with him are always about himself and his interests. He used to mock my interests growing up and still looks down on them.
Oh I started crying with this one. How do I change for my baby… I try so hard to become more emotionally available
The mom was treated the same by her own mom and her mom treated her the same. Its hard to break the generational cycle of neglect.
100% 😢
It’s easy if you don’t have a kid
It isn't hard if you realise the problem exists. It's hard when people don't understand this and never try to change it.
It is. I broke the cycle with my kids but it was often tough to know where to draw the line between letting them go and smothering them. 😅.
Exactly. I plan to adopt in the future and I want to do better than my parents did
Parenting is so hard, especially when your parents had to grow up with emotionally absent parents and do the same thing to their kids. Then the cycle repeats with each generation. It takes a lot of effort to break negative parenting cycles.
Agreed which is why ppl don’t need to have kids until they fix their shit. Go to therapy, go to parenting classes or something. Eventually excuses get old. Children aren’t a right but a privilege.
Im breaking the cycle. It stops with me.
This! Preparation is key. Work on yourself befor eyou involve/add another person in the picture. That also goes with going into relationships @@alexandria3177
I broke the cycle but unconsciously. I think I was a naturally affectionate and giving person but that was stifled for years by emotionally unavailable parents.
In relationships, as an adult, I was always affection with my partner and when I had a child later in life I'm very affectionate with him - lots of hugs, kisses and physical contact (arm around his shoulder, reassuring back pat, etc).
I think it all came out naturally when the circumstances allowed for it.
This resonates with me so much. Thank you for creating awareness about emotionally absent parents....I think many of us Gen X were raised like this.
realizing that i’ll never have the support/comfort from my mom that ive always wanted was the worst most painful feeling i’ve ever felt. i’ve literally begged & cried for my mom to just hug me & make me feel cared for.
Am so sorry 😢
Same ☹️
i did that the other night
I did not bag but still she knew I needed her and she ignored my feelings. I wish you all the best, because you deserve it 🫂
Literally did this today and got yelled at and berated. I'm here with you 🫂
Man, this hits super hard. My mom was the emotionally absent parent, but was always physically there. My dad, on the other hand, was barely home, but was always emotionally invested in us the times that he was home.
Same
Same 😮💨
Samesies
its the same for me too but just switched roles
Same
We should start a FREE online self-help group.
" you don't really interact with me unless you're telling me to stop doing something"
When I first got together with my boyfriend I was so happy and wanted to tell my mom all about him, I just wanted her to ask once, but she never did. The first time she talked to me about it was years later when she told me to stop pictures with him on social media, because relatives were asking her when we were getting married.
Yep. So true. I love it these days when I see good parents communicating so well with their kids and giving them encouragement. It’s beautiful to see. I also recognise that I wouldn’t be the independent person I am today if it wasn’t for the dynamics in our family during childhood and teenage years. It’s all thanks to EFT tapping that I did later in my life that let me shed the layers of unwanted emotions and fill me up with positive loving energy.
Mom showed more affection to her dogs and cats than to me. I remember thinking about that even as an adult but did not question her. My awful childhood has a name! I learned about childhood emotional neglect these past few weeks from watching UA-cam vlogs!! I’m so grateful this Thanksgiving day for the internet!! Amen.
That must have been infuriating.
I’m so sorry
Me too
My mom was like this. I was taken care of physically but emotionally I never really had a "mom". So when she passed away, although it still hurt, it hurt for a different reason. It hurt that we never had a close relationship and struggled to even hug or say I love you. After she died though my older sister became like a mom to me. She would call and just check on me and see how I was doing. I would call her on the way home from work and we would have our little hen session. A joke between the two of us after we would get done gabbing about typical family problems and what not was "if only they were as perfect as we are" obviously being sarcastic. When she passed away it really hurt, and still does. I cant even talk about her out loud without my voice cracking trying to hold back tears. Life just hasnt been the same for me and that short time I had a mom I cherished every second of it. I just wish it had been longer...
“If only they were as perfect as we are” 😂 that really got me picturing your bond. I love that. thanks so much for sharing that with us. I would like to experience that kind of open and supportive mother figure connection some day.
🥺😢🥺
This is why people have to remind me I’m important to them and that I’m not an inconvenience
I literally hate myself so much that I subconsciously withdraw from people until they forget about me
Yep same.
@@TheDaniela3112 I’ve isolated myself for many years.
Same. I don't want to be an inconvenience or burden. It's taken years to stop saying sorry for everything
Ok and? Grow and pair the world really don’t revolve around you at all.
This is me I am a teen and been raised like this ever since my mother divorced my abusive father at five. She always works and does not know alot about me. She has no rules for me. She provides me with all my needs, but has not given me any attention and it has gotten worse ever since i moved into a mother-in-law suite in the backyard of our house so I basically live by myself and I have no idea about emotions or how I feel.
I was that parent at first. My own parents were absent(among other things) and I had no idea how to interact with my kids. I constantly would disassociate from them because I found it overwhelming to try and connect or communicate with them. I would also gladly pass them off onto my mother because I felt they were something I needed a break from all the time. They used to stay the weekend at my mother’s every week. This started with my first when she was only two weeks old. It wasn’t until my son was born that I started to realize I needed to be more attentive in their care and that dumping them off at my parents place was more damaging than good. I’m now a mother of four kids and I am proud to say that they feel a lot more comfortable coming to me for connection. It’s taken a massive amount of conscious effort but my babies are very open to me about their emotions and experiences.
Good for you! Trying to do better is so important, no one expects you to be a perfect mother, but making an effort and addressing your behavior will help your Chi drown grow up to be healthier, happier and know how to make wiser life decisions.
May you and your children continue to grow towards a healthier future! :D
Good job
ur moms pretty awesome tho to take care of ur kids glad you started to too... see them as people you can talk to and raise (?) and interact more!!
Both my parents were like this, because of not dealing with their own traumas. I don't speak to them anymore. It sucks, but it's so much better for my mental health. I'm finally starting to love myself for who I am
just about to do the same with all my siblings....got to be strong..despite being in huge family,always felt rejected,lonely,bullied,belitte..no more of this got to let go..hope you feel better and stronger now😉👍😇
Do they love you tho? They might don't know how to show it.
@@thatsmeehif so, at this point that’s their responsibility to deal with. Children try incredibly hard to express and receive love. If caregivers never end up reciprocating adequately, to the point where the child decides their life is better without them, it’s not the child’s sole responsibility to go back and do all the work on both sides to repair the relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean the parents are evil or even bad people. But children are allowed to live from their own perspective and do what they feel they need to do for themselves, just as the parents have firmly insisted on doing for themselves, to the detriment of themselves and their children, up until this point.
@@VeronicaWarlock I get your point... it really depends on the parents too.. for example, i have had some sentimental distance from my dad but he has improved his behaviour a lot towards me and he is trying to be better. And so am I. They have had their own struggles from their own parents and sometimes maybe we have to guide them if they don't know how to do it.. But sometimes it's not worth it, that's why I said it depends on who it is
Good for you. Big thumbs up 👍🏽 your mental health is more important
Sometimes the parent can be emotionally absent but not distant, if that makes sense. Like, they are super social and there, but emotionally the focus is away from YOU as the child or never on the things about YOU. They can be present when it is about THEM and so you learn to make everything about them so you get their attention, but they are still not emotionally available to you.
Exactly! Perfectly said. That’s how my mother is. It’s a specific kind of narcissistic abuse that only the child can sense but to everyone else, she’s a good, caring mom lol. She’s basically using me as an emotional outlet and a friend all in one
@@adotintheuniverse7174 I am so sorry you have experienced this. I have been afraid to ever acknowledge or look into whether it was narcissistic in my house. It was hard because there was never cruelty or overt mistreatment, and honestly, there was a lot of fun when you were doing what the PARENT enjoyed. And I have a lot of happy memories and love for my parent. But the issue is (again, not as relevant in adulthood), DEVELOPMENTALLY a child needs a consistent parent, not a friend or a peer, like you describe in your reply. So even if you have only good times but don't have enough of the parent centering the child at early developmental milestones, it causes the child to not understand relationships with other people as well or feel like something was missing or off in childhood, and it show up in adult relationships in weird attachment issues.
Yes, that's the covertly narcissistic parent. Always the victim or the hero/virtue signaling for the outside world. The outside of the house (not home; IMHO, those 2 words have completely different meanings) may be beautiful and the family's appearance to everyone is completely opposite to what the truth is behind closed doors. "Children are to be seen but not heard! It's my house, my rules and if you don't like it pack up your sh!t and move out! I brought you into this world and I can take you out just as easily!" Etc etc etc
Phrases wielded against us during childhood to the point that we are so codependent and so used to taking care of everyone else emotionally, we're unable to be alone (physically or relationship wise) are unable to actually say "No" when we do not want to do something and we're forever seeking the attention, pat on the back and/or acknowledgement that we're "good daughter's" or "good son's" from a parent who is never going to give you that necessary ego booster because of fear of them losing control over their child.
.... Maybe it's just me and my experience.... IDK 🤷♀️
Representing myself while navigating a childhood family cut-off which was brought to a grinding halt by the fact that they live two doors up and the parents can't let go; meanwhile, the grandchild clings to me every time she sees me out of her own need to escape the same abusers I'm trying to heal from, thus triggering my trauma responses resulting in a VERY stuck feeling... I keep going 💪🏼
I’m 5 weeks pregnant and this just hit so hard. My mom meant well and sacrificed a lot to give us the essentials - but emotionally neglectful despite her efforts. I pray I do not do this to my child. Lord please. My anxiety, depression, distrust of others is a lot some days.
My mom was emotionally absent. It took me years to figure out how much that affected me. I recently confronted her about it. Her excuse, “well, I wasn’t shown love or affection by my parents.” I guess it just got passed down. Cycle ends with me tho. I’m pregnant and my kid is going to know sooo much love and compassion
Not an excuse, it's a reason. She needs therapy too because she normalized it.
@@maliceinwonderland99thank you!!! I told my mom the same thing!
I hear you. She isn’t going to change. Just love your children the best you can. Also, love yourself and move on.
@@Stardust_Vegadon't be too sweet or they'll eat you
@@Iceis_Phoenix lol
This was so validating, in a way.
Just knowing that other people understand what this was like. Sucks we had to go through that, but still, we aren’t alone.
I would die if my daughter felt like this. Nothing I love more than watching her play or do anything. She’s the apple of my eye.
Whew this is my mom. When my best friend moved away when I was 10, I expressed to her that one of the things I missed was playing board games with her. I asked her if she would play one with me and she said no. Because she doesn’t like board games. To this day she doesn’t understand why this was cold or that it made me feel unimportant.
😂😂 I laughed at this way harder than i should have. Im sure your mom didnt say this with malicious intent.
I weirdly understand this. Something that can seem so silly to other people but matter so much to you as a child. I don't think parent would care about how i felt about it and that's what really messed me up as a kid.
Oh man, that hurts to read. I hope you've found a chosen family who will play boardgames with you 🌻
My mom was the same. I didn't have many friends growing up, but even when I rarely got invited to people's houses or to the mall, she'd say it was too far to drive, or that she'd be stuck doing nothing for two hours while I watched a movie. She'd act like it was ridiculous for me to ask her to do something that wasn't fun or rewarding for her!
Only decades later did I realise, if I had a lonely kid who struggled to make friends, I'd drive for hours just to give her a shot at connecting and bonding with others. It may not be fun to drive, but it would be rewarding to see the kid happy around their friends.
@@MildExplosionYeah, my mom is the same. Though occasionally she would do something with me, she would almost always complain how it's boring to her. I felt so lonely my whole childhood. She hated doing anything that she didn't enjoy, and kept reminding me about it. She also kept saying how the was "too dumb for her". Making me feel stupid for doing it, even when I was a child!
Similar to when I picked my mom a flower because I wanted to show her I loved her and she said she didn't want it because "it was already dead." 💔😢
Yup!!! I didn’t think my mom was absent/neglectful, because she DID pay attention to me. That attention was rarely positive, though. I always left interactions feeling so much worse. When a therapist explained that it counted as emotional neglect, it was overwhelming.
This is why I’ve been confused to, because in many ways, my parents were supportive, but they were also highly critical of me about everything until I developed a perfectionism complex, then my mother would put me down about that. Like what? You made me clean the bathroom like four times as an eight year old because it wasn’t good enough. Emotional neglect and abuse can look like a lot of things and it’s not always bed in every moment, which makes those moments even harder because you don’t know who you’re going to get.
I'm still trying to untangle my upbringing... I don't say abuse or trauma because 'a lot of people have it worse.'
But constantly being reminded of what was done for you, being shown that you're not worthy of respect or communication, having bruises left on your face and body, trying to take your own life and self-harming... And then developing severe depression and anxiety as an adult lol, and being hospitalized multiple times for trying to KMS...
Also being constantly called selfish and unbalanced for attempting to have boundaries, or defending myself against accusations and disrespect, and then being punished.
These are not good things.
And then feeling guilty about 'focusing on the negative.'
Emotional absent parents will not even hold this kind of conversation ever.
yeah I actually did have it once and then nothing changed and they acted like we never spoke. 😍 I guess they were just bored or smth ☺️
Exactly… it’s more like ,” mmm k.”” Or ,” can you wash that apoon?” While you’re pouring your heart out
Or they’ll pick up the phone and call a friend… because they have to.
Or turn around and listen to the other emotionally abusive parent who casually says something like “ check out this picture,”
Pretty much anythjng is more important than you- when you’re about to say something heartfelt and full of aignificance
My dad it's just like "this is who I am and I would never change" 🤡
What I learnt from parents and from self-help gurus is that parents can do whatever they want to you and get away with it - because as soon as youre an adult, everyone tells you you're accountable for your own life and responsible for your recovery. So, theres zero incentive for parents to ever change because they are never held accountable and adult children have to spend the rest of their lives (in some cases) repairing the damage these parents caused. Delaying education, career success, and personal happiness often as they aren't mentally well enough to participate in life the way healthier childhood adults are. So you can add a whole bunch of social shame onto these adult children too as they progress more slowly than their peers and have to deal with "you're not trying hard enough" "you're the only one who can change your life" "You're an adult now, this is up to you". These child adults of bad parenting lose around 10 years on recovery, sometimes more. Makes me so angry!
I think a lot of people grew up like this and that’s why a lot of people are “dead inside” kind of numb feeling and not showing a lot of concern for others unless necessary
I relate
My first child is currently a year and a half. It occurred to me a few weeks ago that he entertains himself pretty well. This week he kept getting really upset because I basically ignore him to be on my phone. Unless I’m taking him to stop doing something… I was dealing with, issue, but still, I had to actively work my brain to just put my phone down and be present while with him. Even just sitting together really seems to bring out so much joy in him. I’m so glad I realize this now, while he’s still a toddler. Now I’m seeing this video the next day!! God is good: there’s no way this is a coincidence!
I appreciate your honesty. i saw myself in both of these people and I don't want to pass on these traits.
Talk to and play with your child all the time. Please don’t let meaningless videos ruin your important time together. ❤
I’m glad to see that it’s some thing you’re becoming aware of. And I hope it stays that way. Otherwise you can expect to not have any closeness to your child as they get older, and then you’ll probably wonder why they don’t talk to you
My mom still prioritizes her tv over her children/grand children. I’m glad you recognize this hurts in the long run.
Yes chic...get off your phone...put the thing away for 4 hours...and go out into town or the park..with your child...I am 46 and I had my kids at 18&24...I didn't have a mobile...just do it...tell you friends/family...the phones off...have fun!❤
Literally my childhood, this made me cry
My Dad’s like this. He’d tried to be present, in a more “how was your day” if I’m sitting right there next to him and “let’s play a game together that I like” once in a while sort of sense. When it came down to actual feelings and trying to address a problem… he’d either lecture you and turn it into you are the problem about something, or he would get reactive to your emotion, not knowing how to handle them, and tell you to stop having them so he could try and use logic. Problem is, the issue was emotional, so the moment emotions are shut off, there is no more problem, temporarily. And it never gets fixed. It’s a cycle.
He was hard to understand. My Mom often called him a ‘robot’ because he simply refused to ever get mad at her. He got mad plenty of times at me, but that’s because I hadn’t learned to disassociate, and cried all the time uncontrollably due to undiagnosed issues nobody knew were prevalent and frankly rather glaringly obvious in hindsight.
I’m still putting the pieces of my childhood neglect and trauma together to make a better picture of why I am the way I am. Thanks for this.
i felt this comment so much
My mother was this way, she has improved because she wanted too. I admire her for changing and now she says « I love you ». There is hope.
My mom changed recently, too. It feels good. I had no idea what I was missing.
This is so good. A lot of parents probably don't realize they are doing this. Just think about your interactions with your child, were they all either orders or some kind of criticism?
If you walked into your child's room, sat down on thier bed and asked what they are up to, would they look at you like you are nuts?
It's never too late to improve, and none of us are perfect.
The mother’s expression in the last second was the “run now” moment because now shes gonna justify her life choices as she unbottles on me
Some of the worst parts for me was when I became a teenager and they suddenly turned over-protective. I'd been hyper independent for years, and then, overnight, they were controlling. It was hideous.
[Your avatar is fabulous.]
Suddenly they remembered what terrible teens *they* were, maybe, and decided to step up.
I had a situation where my mom was an alcoholic. She’d go on benders that lasted a month. We’d be on our own, pretty much, like you we were hyper independent. Then she’d sober up and there would be rules again, suddenly. It was so hard to respect those rules.
This happened to me as well. I turned 18 and all of a sudden my mom was angry with me because she no longer had legal control over me, even though nothing had changed otherwise.
@@mr.nobody6795same that happened to me, she backed me into a corner and started yelling at me when all I mentioned was moving out, and hanging out with friends.. People like that are disgusting
Fucking seconded. You're expected to manage yourself 24/7 when you're literally too young to actually grasp what you're doing, and then when you're finally old enough for some actual independence, suddenly the possibility that you might misbehave is now a bigger priority than anything else about you. Even though you've been literally perfect for your entire life, the closest thing to a reward you can expect is just not being punished for existing.
Now as an adult when people show interest in me or care about me my immediate reaction is to see it as a red flag. Still working on that.
Yeah. My mom literally never hugged me or told me she loved me. I remember telling her I love her and she’d get all weird about it and maybe say thanks or okay honey. It was so confusing for me because my dad was the opposite. She was just an emotionally cold person. I have a daughter now and I absolutely shower her with love because I never want her to feel that way, and also I just adore her lol
Feeling adored is a real gift 😂
I cried too I say love you and she says it back but she never says it first
Some people just arent affectionate and it sounds like your mom is one of those people. Nothing wrong with that.
@@TomikaKellyThere is something wrong with it. But they just dont adress it and definately would say the same thing like you. They cant connect on a deeper level because they are so disconnected from their own feelings.
@@TomikaKellyyou have No idea what youre talking about.
Thank you for doing these videos. They always make me cry but they’re validating.
This is my mother to a ‘T’. She never spoke to me my entire life except to tell me I’m doing something wrong. If I tried to talk with her she would let out a big sigh, roll her eyes, and say “ugh, what is it now?” I have had the hardest time trying to form meaningful friendships because I people please to a fault. 🙁
Omg exactly what I’m going through. I thought I’m exaggerating about my mother’s reaction when I talk to her but that’s what she does exactly. Made me a people pleaser, made me fear rejection and made me think that I don’t deserve love and happiness
@@Rosie22112 My heart goes out to you! I’m so sorry you have experienced the same thing. I hope you are able to find healing and come to a deep understanding that you are worthy, valuable, and lovable just as you are.
Quesrion. Do you knowhy it is call "to a "T"?"
@@cowboycacti The most likely source for the phrase “to a t” is that it is a contraction of an older English phrase, “to a tittle”, meaning to the smallest [detail].
Omg same 💯
Out of all your videos this is the one that reduced me to a sobbing pile of tears, Jesus I'm not alone
It wasn’t until my dad died that I realized I couldn’t remember us ever having a single meaningful conversation. It breaks my heart feeling like I don’t have any idea who he really was, and that I spent the majority of my life feeling guilty for his emotional absence, as though I was the cause of it for not being an interesting enough child or trying hard enough to make him like me. Perfect description from the child in this video of how I felt and how I’ve turned out.
My dads alive but i resonate with what you said about never having a meaningful conversation with your dad.. Hes never been a talker, i dont know much about him, and hes never showed much affection or love towards me or my siblings. But he has gotten better as weve gotten older, hell let us know that he loves us which is nice but i hope for more of a cloe relationship with him. He had a hard childhood and never knew his father and his mom allowed him to be abused by her boyfriends, so i feel like he doesnt know how to be a good loving dad. But like i said, hes getting better.
You are not alone. Mine was like this too. I remember crying at his funeral, not for him, but for the father that I never had. He was always attached to his chair watching sports on TV. He never talked to me about anything. He said once that I was "too independent", well I had to be, because when I was being bullied or I was in pain, nobody helped me.
@@pandorasmagicboxit is sad. I hope you have healed.
It's possible he never had a single meaningful thought. I don't think my father ever has. Totally empty and uninterested in anything outside the world that only exists in his head.
I wish you the best in recovering.
Yikes this hits me. My father is still alive but I’m scared that this will be the outcome
Thank you for finally explaining whats been going on between my mother and i since i was little. It been plaguing my mind for weeks. This is why i feel like dont have a mother. Weirdly my mum only did this for me. Shes much more involved with my siblings.