How to Stop Bullying, Abusive, Controlling Husbands | Dealing with Narcissistic Husbands
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- Опубліковано 16 вер 2024
- www.bulliesbego...
In this video, Dr. Ben Leichtling discusses abusive, bullying, controlling husbands and how to deal with them. Sometimes the behavior of abusive spouses is subtle, so it's important to recognize the signs of a controlling, bullying husband so you can formulate a plan for dealing with him. Getting controlling, abusive, narcissistic husbands into therapy is not necessarily the best first step for how to stop bullying in your home.
Watch for these warning signs to recognize if you are the victim of a bullying husband:
1. He thinks he knows best about everything; just ask him. He points out all of your mistakes and failings. He thinks you should ask his permission before you do anything. He makes your life miserable if you don't do what he says. His absolute certainty seduces you into self-doubt and self-bullying. You become unsure of your own judgment and wisdom.
2. He thinks he is more important than you are. Your life should be devoted to his needs. His desires, jealousies, issues and concerns (not yours) should be the focus of all interactions. His feelings get hurt so easily that you're too polite or too afraid to upset him by trying to make your feelings or opinions matter.
3. He thinks his sense of humor is correct. He can say whatever he wants and you're supposed to take it. He may put you down in public or he may only do it in private so outside people will think he is so sweet. He makes nasty, vicious, demeaning, hurtful remarks or tells embarrassing secrets about you. Then he laughs like it's a joke. If you object, he says you're too sensitive or he was just kidding. Your feelings are stupid and not logical. And you better not say anything he doesn't like.
4. Everyone is a pawn in his game. You have value only as long as you can help him or you worship him. He is selfish and arrogant. He thinks he should be waited on. Anyone who doesn't help or who gets in his way becomes an enemy. You're afraid that if you disagree, he will strike back at you.
5. He thinks his excuses, excuse him. His reasons are always correct. His feelings are his justifications for anger, retaliation and revenge. If you don't agree, you simply don't understand or you're evil. Self-deluded, narcissistic spouses think their jealousy, anger and hatred are not bad characteristics.
6. His logic, reasoning and rules, rule. He is allowed to do anything he wants -- to take what he wants, to attack or to strike back in any way he wants -- but everyone else should be bound by his rules. If your feelings are hurt by what he has said or done, it's your fault and your problem. He is right and righteous. Everything is your fault. He is a great debater or he simply talks so loud and long that eventually you give in.
7. He doesn't have anything to learn. He insists on doing things his way, even though he fails repeatedly. He won't listen; especially when he is failing.
Also, anyone who bullies helpless people -- like clerks and waiters -- will eventually get around to bullying you. Get rid of him on the first date.
You can never be kind, nice, sweet or caring enough to change him. He is a bullying, controlling spouse and it is not your responsibility to be his rescuer or therapist. You cannot solve his psychological problems.
Don't debate or argue with him. Don't wait for him to agree or to give you permission to change your life. Don't wait for him to empower you. Take power; whether he likes it or not. Plan in secret if you have to. Dump him and get away as fast as you can.
Ignore your self-bullying -- that little voice that doesn't like you, that tells you that your bullying husband might be right. If you don't trust your own guts you'll get sucked in, just like you would into a black hole.
Relentless bullies -- abusive, controlling spouses -- are predators who go after the weak, the isolated and those who don't resist.
If you don't stop allowing yourself to be bullied, he will think you are easy prey. Like a shark, he will just go after you more.
Call Dr. Ben at 1-877-8BULLIEs to discuss your personal situation and to get the coaching you need to plan and execute a strategy for getting out of your abusive situation. Take control and start living your life today.
Here is a link to another of Dr. Ben's stop bullying videos. This one discusses how the abuse of bullying husbands can lead to self-bullying behaviors: • How Abusive Husbands S...
Here is another video on stopping negative self-talk and stopping self-bullying: • Stop Negative Self-Tal...
• How to Stop Bullying, ...
This happened to me. I finally escaped him last year, after 22 years.
How did you leave? Did you guys have kids?
Same...32 years here. Separated in March when he finally assaulted me. It was “only” verbal and mental before.
👏❤️
Maria Hynes, you are too beautiful to be with a narcissist!
This is Why I Would Rather Work Late than Come Home...
You wait until you retire and have to spend all day with them
@@momae3389or working from home 😢
this is 100% my husband. he says he's leaving me because I won't do what he says. I told him where the door was.....
LOL
Good on you!
Any updates??
Amen!
@@Lioness_Es oh I divorced him in June of 2018 ... he stalked me after that for until this year when I tried to put a restraining order against him. Be careful ladies these men are crazy!
You described exactly, to the letter and with each word, the person whom I have been married to for 21 years.....as well as the mother I have dealt with my entire life. It seems I have no escape. I am so tired.
It’s been 4 years since this post. How are you? Are you ok?
@Child of God How about take action too?
@@saynotohookups hope you are not with a narcissist!
Yep, I'm rite there with u sister. I understand all too well.
OMG I know what you are going trough! I spent 15 years and I thought that leaving would set me free. He is still on my heels. It is incredible. But this video helped me realise it is NOT me. I WAS NOT the bad person I was made to believe I was. I hate feeling like a victim. Victims are week helpless people. I did not want to accept it. I was willing to pardon, to excuse, epecially since we have children together. But wow! This guy said what I was living for most of that time!!! I walked into a trap. I still take the resposibility for being someone who does give power to others. That I am learning to break! But WOW! Thanks Ben and be strong, Wendy.
Wonderful information for those enduring a relationship with a Narcissistic Spouse. at 4:04 Most women do not understand that they "can never be kind, or nice, or sweet or caring enough to change them."
Hi Daris,
Thanks.
Hope you go far away. Or got rid of him to someplace far away.
Don’t argue. Just go live an absolutely wonderful and incredible life without him.
Best wishes,
Ben
Martin Camden look at this poor pathetic troll....im sorry did u loose all ur friends? U are weak, a sissy, and a demon.... U aint met the right one.... but u will......& u will bow ur knees....
Daris Lancaster,your lovely smile can make the news
Absolutely 100%, do you know my husband?
Hi Debbie,
Maybe you need to get rid of him, no matter how hard, no matter how long. Probably the only way to have the rest of your life be great.
Best wishes,
Ben
Thought the exact same thing.
Ben Leichtling thanks both of you, I’m disabled and homebound... it’s tough.
Same
I could never tell people why I’m withdrawing from them because I could never tell them how my husband is and how hard it is for me to have others keep in touch with me for decent social interaction without him making it hard for me. Your video is what I’ll show to explain what my husband is. To leave or stay - they will take revenge and they can do anything - even threaten your child’s future so you give in. They know that no one in the world is waiting to help you while you have become “needy” from all that abuse and bullying - in need of a safe plan to escape- and many outsiders do exploit you when you seek help so you know you will have to be so careful whom to turn to. All this makes it hard to get up and leave turning a blind eye to the bigger risks and threats he can create since he not just knows you will leave since he abuses you knowingly that you will plan to leave and he has a plan for that too- it’s just you don’t know that he is way better planned than you - be careful and safe and know that if you are not yet leaving- we understand that you are trying to do it safely and you are not wrong or incompetent. You are doing what’s safe and best and I respect your strength and endurance and wish you the best.
hi. I too am a Usmle aspirant and wife of a paranoid narcissist. How can we catch up and study together? i love in india. can i find you on the usmle facebook forum with this name?
This describes my husband!!!!!!!!!!!
Regina Regina My husband too,,, at the opposite side of the planet. I think it is inevitable to have this kind of men all over the world
my husband as well!
me too. i can't get out either.
Same here
My husband 100% 😥
OMG!! Everything you say is on point!! please!!!!! If anyone is Reading this....RUN because you will NEVER be happy until you do!!!!!
I did but even the damage was done God did not forgot me. Now I'm free. Thanks t God Jah and all the wonderful people who stood by me
Lula S,hope you are with a good man!
I've been married for almost 10 years to someone 11 years older than me. I feel like a trophy wife. I definitely feel bullied and everything you said in this video was how I felt or what I was going through. I'm made to stay home and cook and clean. He doesn't support me in getting a job or if he does its below minimum wage or he instructs me to take hair dressing and work from home. He puts me down, demeaning to me and my kids, condescending and rude. I feel like he acts like I am another one of his kids and he's trying to raise me. I feel suffocated.... :-( uhg..
i just got married in december and i feel like this at times my husband just grabbed the steering wheel of our car in a rage mad because i wanted to be put on the car insurance and it raised his rate. fuck me for wanting to be safe right. he doesnt support me working and im trapped at home he goes thru the charade of getting another car so i can work only to drive this vehicle to work everyday leaving me and the children home with no vehicle. i am deeply depressed last week was considering sucide he comforted me and acted real caring and what does he do a week later bring it up for no reason. glad you told me about your mental heath so now i can use it to tear down your self esteem. im not broken yet but im getting there.
Hi Danielle,
My experience says you must get free. Plan in secret to get money and allies. No matter how hard. No matter how long.
You children need you to set a good example for them.
Thousands have done it before you and you can too!
Best wishes,
Ben
Yep, my husband treats me like a 5 year old. He talks at me not to me. I can't even go to school online. But he can spend ALOT on his cigars. I have even told him at times I've given up on doing what I want to do now that our daughter has moved out and on her own. And her moving out is my fault too. That's what he says when he tells me why she moved out.( Basically she thinks it's my fault, how would he know what she is thinking)
It is so sad to me that we are only given a few precious years on this earth and we have to spend it being controlled, abused, fearful and nervous all the time. If I could do it all again....
Anyone married to one of those?
Me it's such a horrible,paralyzing experience 😢
Me
Yes. I've 2 disabled kids and no money I know it sounds lame but I can't just up and leave. I'm watching this because today was just horrible
how can they swing from being so loving to so aggressive? I asked him if he wanted a divorce today. He said no.
They are only nice to get what they want and then the real demon rears it's head it never left when they are nice never get comfortable grey rock show no emotion
Yes, exactly. Its so hard to understand, that people - your partners can play this game being nice on you, but only if they want something. And if it wouldnt be their will - drugs, money, whatever, geez luiz tornado would start..doors slamming and other stuff
The question surely is 'do YOU want a divorce?'
This is exactly how my husband is.I was going to England to get away but my family didn't support me.I'm in a hotel waiting to see what to do.He said I'll be patient with you & you can come with me.I'm thinking of living alone but I need prayers please.I'm frightened.I went to the police & they were going to detain him but I felt so guilty.Please give me strength to get away & not give in to him again.I've been in this marriage for 37 yrs & nearly 40 knowing him & because of my family & fear of flying I've not been able to get away but hearing this I have to go once & for all.Prayers for everyone ❤️❤️❤️
Did you get away from him and go to England? Hope so!
I want to thank you for taking the time to make and publicly post this video. Mine is the sneaky kind. How others perceive him is paramount so even when we went to two different marriage counsellors they both thought he's the greatest guy ever. Then, when we're alone, he says I'm insane, everything that goes wrong for him seems to be my fault, only he is smart and I'm treated like an employee or like he's a general & lectures me non stop. He stands over me, yells at me and mocks me (and even laughs sometimes while doing it). He's extremely condescending. Yet, miraculously, he can change in a moment in front of others. I believe now, after years of this...that the abuser needs to go for help alone. They need to actually want to change, not defend that bad behavior is justified because the OTHER person is soooo.....stupid, lazy, crazy, inferior, etc. this video hit home for me. I was diagnosed with breast cancer but he's the one who's putting up with it. I'm an old woman without resources to "start over". The good news is that my eyes are open and I've become acutely aware of how things really are around here. That was my discovery after my diagnosis. My husband actually demanded a doctor write a letter with an end date that I'd be all better. The doctor (4weeks after surgery) said, "Oh, you mean the stabbing pains your wife feels in her breast? That can take months or even years to heal." It worked for awhile...but not long.
Ziggy3339, you deserve better
@@lioydwilliams1850 that was posted some time ago. Guess what? You know people who say things like, “they showed their TRUE colors” or the one that says , “people don’t change”? Neither are true in my life experience. We both changed. Who knew? The trick is that it takes work, introspection , love and willingness. Of those, probably the willingness comes to the forefront. That said, it took years, not months. Lloyd,we all deserve better . I think, in retrospect, his behavior was learned, passed down. It is an attitude , a perspective....and demeaning . We still work on the “man speak” part occasionally. And I work on my understanding of what he means by what he says. If you can understand that.
@@ziggy33399 oh ok my dear.I am Lioyd from the States.You?
@@lioydwilliams1850 yes 👍🏼
@@ziggy33399 wow!,are you on hangouts or Gmail so we can always talk?
Thank you for your video! This was my ex husband that I was married to for 19 years. Everything, I mean everything you said, is exactly how he was!!! I did get away, but now he has alienated my 2 boys from me!! Im learning more every day and understanding what he has done to me mentally...
+Kelly Walker
Hi Kelly,
So sorry. That’s horrible.
But may not be permanent. They do have free will and can make up their own minds. There are many things you might try.
Since all situations are different, I offer individualized help so you can develop strength, courage, determination and skill, and create and carry out an effective plan. Please, call or email me to schedule phone or Skype coaching - 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543).
You can pay easily through major credit cards or PayPal (Ben@BulliesBeGone.com).
What’s the price of putting up with bullies? Slow erosion of your soul!
Best wishes,
Ben
Reading this made me realize there are so many of us in this situation. Are you still advising Ben?
Hi Candy,
I’m so sorry.
You have to ignore your family and friends, and follow what you know. You don’t need their permission or understanding to dump the jerk.
Do it now; it’ll be easier before you get married or pregnant.
Find someone who treats you wonderfully.
Best wishes,
Ben
Ben Leichtling the video sounds my husband
Are you making these mistakes with your man? twitter.com/cbf082ebdf8bdd802/status/804693412402241537 How to Stoop Bullyyying Abusive Controlling Husbands Dealing with Narcissistic Husbands
And what hurts the most is when he recognizes how bad he is and that's not enough to change
Exactly my elder sister has spent six years of her life miserably with these qualities of her abusive husband..Now she is going to teach him a lesson for all his misdeeds.
Ben, I finally did it. Thank you so much
Hi Sonia,
Good for you.
Now you can make an absolutely fabulous life for yourself!
Best wishes,
Ben
how?
Many women do not have a choice due to lack of resources or entanglements with having kids to leave the bully, so those women need to learn to stand up for themselves!
Ben please help me!! I'm a mother of three and been with my bully for 25 years. I'm so very sad and hitting the bottom
This describes my piece of shit husband exactly.
Some narcissists will not bully anyone in public, they will charm the pants off them, act like the class clown, try to schmooze everyone in sight. But in private, they can really give you hell and make you wonder who was that charming, flashy person you just saw in public.
There are two things I don't understand. 1. How do these type of people exist? 2. How/why did I ever allow myself to fall a "victim" to it? I'm living with someone with this behavior. When thinking about his actions, I think it borders insanity. When I think about how I let this happen to me...I feel like that must be insanity too. No one should let ANYONE treat them in this way.
Hi Leanna,
You're right, no one should ever let anyone treat them this way. So look to the present and stop it now. Get away.
Then you can look to the future and learn to respond differently at the Early Warning Signs.
Since all situations are different, I offer individualized help so you can develop strength, courage, determination and skill, and create and carry out an effective plan. Please, call or email me to schedule phone, Messenger, WhatsApp or Skype coaching - 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543). If you get voice mail, I’m counseling someone else. Please leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.
You can pay easily through major credit cards or PayPal (Ben@BulliesBeGone.com).
What’s the price of putting up with bullies? Slow erosion of your soul!
I can help you work through a complicated situation.
Best wishes,
Ben
I have grown so used to it, that I always thought it was really me... Since I have grown so used to always being told I was wrong and that I was always labeled as crazy. I hold out for the possibility of change, even though I know deep down it will never happen. I see the effects it has had on my two older children. I blame myself for allowing it to happen. At this point, I only see two outcomes. My death or his. There seems to be no other options for the ending of my children's and my torment. He will never let me go and I am too weak, tired, and exhausted inside to gather the utter grit and determination it would take to escape with my youngest in tow. The other two are nearly grown..one 2o. The other 18. The damage is too deep and almost ingrained into my psyche. What would be a suggestion to save yourself from someone who would go to any sneaky and devilish method to keep you, even though they say they do not want you. I have seemingly done it all, except being simply able to outlast or withstand his ability to keep his onslaught going for unfathomable lengths of time. I don't have his stamina. He is smartly stupid....if that makes any sense.
My heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is to leave. You are strong enough and you can do it. Remember that. He has worn you down to think you can't. You can. You deserve the best life has to offer.
***** I know it seems like I would be the least likely to give advise but i can say, for me...i always took my kids side and fought for them...just never myself. seems rather hypocritical of me, but I never let him fuss with or put down my kids..but i did not have to let him.By me allowing him to treat me like he has...I have allowed him to hurt them...in an indirect way.
Your mom is scared. I hope the best for you.
I know this is old but how are you
You leaving would bring you more releif and joy than you can ever imagine. Hes toxic, You'll feel better once the poison is out. Your children will be around for ever. Teach them now how strong and amazing their mom is so they will copy your good example 10 years from now :)
That is why I wanna leave my husband after 3and half years, two kids - 1 and 3 year old. Dont wanna see them suffer or see me that I suffer. I just sent a divorce paper and have to wait 6loong months. My still husband tries to be very nice right now he thinks that I ll change my mind or who knows.
I dared to ask my husband this morning why he would leave the dog outside barking for an hour and 20 mins this morning not allowing me to get some rest on the weekend before the working week began. He flew off the handle threw a bottle my perfume across the room, called me names and just generally dealt with the situation with intimidation. He later said, that he asked himself why is this happening to him and that it wasnt fair and why should he have to feel like this. All about him!
My narcissistic husband of 5 years just up and left one day. He said he was gonna take some time for himself bc "I was creating a toxic environment for him" and stay with his mom for the weekend. That weekend he never "came back". It turned into him wanting a divorce the next day
Hi Stefani,
In many ways that’s a gift. You’re better off done with his now before it gets worse. Of course, you may have to fight with him about money and kids, so get a great lawyer.
You probably have 60 years of great future ahead of you if you learn to keep clear of narcissists.
Best wishes,
Ben
+Ben Leichtling thank you for the kind words when they are most needed!
Hi Stefani,
You do the hard work.
Stay strong. Were you a Wonder Woman fan?
Best wishes,
Ben
your imbecilic assumption of my experience is a very highly sophisticated form of elementry cognition. i never blame anyone unless blame is warranted. in my case, his emotional and verbal abuse he subjected me to for 5 years ON TOP OF his infidelity towards the end (which was the cause for him to leave because i caught on and refused to play his narcissistic game of cat and mouse ) could never be justified by anyone, exspecially by a close-minded uneducated person such as yourself. his "innocent defense mechanisms" were used by him for one reason. that reason was to generate the most dysfunctional and toxic emotioanl reactions he possibly could from me in order to paint this picture of "him deserving of a victim card for putting up with a crazy chick in need of psychotic meds." you have it ass backwards in your assumotions. It was i who was only responding to a barrage of mental terrorism he bestowed upon me in order to preserve his fragile ego shattered back in childhood. HE was the one determined not to be wrong or LISTEN to my cries of pain.
so before vomiting your obnoxious sexist opinions on other peoples' experiences, educate you dumb, moronic, objective, idiotic, absurd, infantile, pathetic, judgmental, laughable, know-it-all, and completely barbaric fuckboy "genius" you obviously hold as worldly truths and SHUT THE HOLE IN YOUR FACE UNTIL SOMEONE SCHOOLS YOU IN BASIC LIFE KNOWLEDGE. good luck with that my friend.
jesus can only fix so much stupid until he gives up on people like yourself
Cougar BLUEhearts Now that's a dog act. You deserve so much better.
Wow that message exactly defines my husband. It is at this point where I think giving him another chance is no longer an option whatsoever. He's had all the chances in the past but it didn't seem to make any difference. It really hurts when the only reason you're holding on is because you value the relationship more than anything else, at the same time you also don't want to be always at the receiving end.
Yes!!! I feel you. Going in 7 years. 7 miserable years.
Thank you for reinforcing to me that Narcissists are bullies. I always thought my husband was one. Years ago, early in our marriage, we went to a therapist and he told me my husband has BPD. He gave me the book I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me. Perhaps BPD and NPD are very similar? He has a very bad temper. Never physical but horribly mental. Only in front of me and my children though. Best friends with the garbage men, neighbors, mail person. They don’t know the real Bob. It’s so maddening. After watching the Depp/Heard trial, I’ve been having flashbacks of his verbal abuse, as Amber has projected onto Johnny Depp. I really loved your description of my husband. 🤗. I wish I could find a therapist as good as you are.
Sometimes they are very intelligent, they will say they already know everything, they know what you think or feel, they know you make them angry, they know to apologise for just long enough to take control again. Sometimes they are the nice guys.
+Iwasonceacarpenter
Hi Once,
No they are not nice guys. They are wolves wearing sheep’s clothing and they want to eat you.
Don’t listen to the words. Follow the actions.
Learn the Early Warning Signs of sneaky, manipulative control-freaks and bullies.
Best wishes,
Ben
I was about to marry a sweet kind woman. She is in fact still in love with me. She was separated for 4 years from him. He was narcissistic loser that left her. I told her she most finalize the divorce because we could continue with our relationship. When the time came to finalize, he got had an episode at the courthouse and breakdown and begged and despite all my kindness and support to her, she took him back and cut off communication with me after 4 months because he said so. I don't get it.
It is not so easy for me to get away. He always trying to pull us back. He followed me to my work. I'm like living in my own world just to be in this relationship.
Hi Lisa,
You know the answer: Don’t live in this relationship. Get as far away as you can. So it’s hard? So it may take time? It’s still the best thing you can do to honor the next 50 years of your life.
It will crush your spirit no matter what your feelings are.
Plan in secret. Find allies and helpers. Get the police on your side. Document.
Then get away in secret.
Since all situations are different, you need individualized help to get strength, courage, determination and skill, and to create and carry out an effective plan. Please, call or email me to schedule phone or Skype coaching - 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543).
You can pay easily through major credit cards or PayPal (Ben@BulliesBeGone.com).
What’s the price of putting up with bullies? Slow erosion of your soul!
Best wishes,
Ben
Ben.... Everything is my fault... I'm exhausted of this perpetrator. I plan my power daily...early in the morning to ensure me and my kids are protected. Spot on, he thinks only his opinion is fact, he is incredibly DARK, over sensitive, must pick a fight with someone every day, expects me to agree and understand him, but doesn't even have eye contact with me or my kids ever, he doesn't show compassion, he doesn't show affection to kids or me, and always I'll, and complains always about being sick. He faked a faint to gain sympathy.
That's what my husband does,I'm in my room now for 3 days I tried to go down today but as soon as I did I breathed wrong and off his mouth goes so I'm back in my room crying and alone. 2o years I've been trying... I have no one and no where to go. My kittys and all my things.hes braking my stuff and throws my things in the dumpster my sister gave me and she just passed. I'm so alone.
I’m here unfortunately . Sending good vibes your way .
Great words, but exteremly hard to hear.
Girlfriends or wives can do this to you too as she threatens to leave if she doesn't get what she wants. This video sounds a lot like my girlfriend. Women can do this too. She wants to talk disrespectful to me too often and I called her out on it as I got angry and told her last nite I am tired of her being disrespectful to me. I told her today she needs to at least be willing to show respect to and tone down her rudeness if this relationship gong to last. Too much Jealousy , Rude behavior and insults can kill the relationship. There has to be at least Five postive things to balance out one negative thing in the relationships. So if there is rudeness going on, you will have to give your partner flowers, take her to dinner , give her massages and give her sweet words. By the way I do all things for my lady and flowers is the magical thing for women. If there is more negative than postive things going on the relationship is bound to fail !!
OMG! I JUST started watching, but on point #1 you are ABSOLUTELY correct!!!!
I know these things, and it’s been a nearly every day battle for me.
I gave my spouse a birthday present. While handing him the present he went in his shorts digged in his behind and touched my ears. This is abuse and I don't know how he comes from any family.
I knew the first day if my honeymoon when, after being up for 36 hours I wanted to finally go to bed. We had walked around vegas for miles as well. He screamed in my face in the middle of a busy crowd telling me he couldn’t believe my selfishness, and how I was ruining his vacation. He continued for another ten minutes, while I cried into my hands. I knew I made a mistake marrying this man as it never changed. His way is the only way. I’m just starting the process to break free. My friends and family cried, begging me to leave when he had finally broken my spirit, and I was no longer the person they knew. It’s been a long five years, but I’ve finally found the courage and self worth.
Bless your heart my dear. I would've called an Uber to the airport and left his ass in Vegas! Good times indeed....
Good for you!!!! Get far away.
I thought the divorce would stop it, but 7 years later, the bullying still goes on... because we share equal custody of our son, he uses my son to be the leverage and I can see an impact to my son. He does not work and I work 1.5 jobs to make ends meet (he does not pay a dime for anything.) He spends more time with my son, being sweet and caring to my son that he worships his dad (nothing wrong about that) But he constantly puts me down. He keeps accusing me for being "abusive, controlling, neglecting, ruining my son..." in front of my son. Yesterday, he came to my house, raising voices. When I asked him to leave for 5,6 times, he dared me to call the police. He wanted to show my son if the police took him away, it's all my fault for calling the cops. Seeing my son crying and begging me not to call the police, it felt like a sharp knife stabbing thru my heart. All these ... were tying back to my refusal to order hot lunches at school for my kid. I believe home made lunch is healthier, and he probably does not want to do that himself for the days he has custody.... He is very manipulative and good with words, he can twist everything he and I said before to make him a caring father. Not going to work, he has all the time in the world to read up all legal do's and don'ts when it comes to child custody, and use these legal terms to threaten me all the times... So there, divorce does not mean the end of the bullying...
Hi MoreCupCakes,
You’re right. With relentless predators it doesn’t end until you stop them.
Start telling your son the truth - even at his age.
Talk to the police now and get them on your side. Next time, call the police.
Your son needs to learn that the truth or else he’ll see that bullying and controlling win. That will be great temptation to follow in his father’s footsteps. And he’ll start practicing on you.
Get a lawyer to advise you.
Best wishes,
Ben
The volume is way to low.
Thank You before i watched this i wanted to die to make this all stop.one day im a angel the next a demon and im always at fault for everything
Hi choicestone wind,
Sounds horrible.
If it’s gone on for a while that’s probably his pattern and he won’t change. Don’t let yourself be beaten down.
You’re task is to figure out how to get away. Plan in secret.
If there are kids, it’s harder. But the task is no different.
Your future is crying out to you. Your Spirit needs you to act.
Best wishes,
Ben
Ben Leichtling It did sound horrible did it not? what other response could you give to me? A victim can not hear anyway. I want you to know that you started me off on my journey of self love. You gave me validation of yes what was happening to me. But what was happening to me was not who I am! I wish you could see me now. lol Ill so for sure keep you updated as to the powerhouse I am becoming.Tho I ve never met you and probably never will know you are in my
heart and I am so grateful!
choicestone wind
Hi Choicestone Wind,
Thank you.
And thank yourself. Sounds like you did and are doing great. Keep on!
Best wishes,
Ben
Yes me too. I’m put on a pedestal one moment, the next my parenting, the housekeeping, my money skills - everything is torn apart. I’m the worst person in the world and they are miserable being with me. Every argument they threaten to leave and then call me a user because they know I need them too help w bills they helped to create. It’s so exhausting and I’m so tired
This is exactly my husband. I
Make a plan and get out. If you have kids use a third party to discuss the kids or only in writing. Call the police if they stand outside your house and bang on your door. MOST OF ALL, DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! They will try to guilt you and say all the right things to get you back. You will be able to see the things he is doing to you once you get out. Until then, be safe!!!!
Never thought I'd ever want to stay at work ! I need out! Sounds like you met him ! Scary feelings
Nice video. I can see that you've helped a lot of bullying victims. Have you got one of these for the bullies? You know, "how to recognise when you're bullying the people you love and condition yourself to stop"? I think this is also important, because if you just work with the victims, you're not treating the cause, just the symptom. That one person might get away and that's good and important, but the bully will just go out and find a new victim. If you want to end this nightmare for everyone don't you need to work on changing the bad guy? Thanks.
Hi Alastair,
Great question.
I focus on helping targets stop bullying so they don't become victims.
Usually, bullies don't change until they are stopped. Too often, bullies are allowed to continue bullying their targets while professionals try to rehabilitate or therapeutize the bullies. That doesn't work.
Stopping bullies is the first and most important step in changing them.
Two ways bullies can learn:
1. Read my books, “Bullies Below the Radar”, second edition, soft cover or “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies,” Kindle edition, and “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” second edition, in softcover or Kindle. Many case studies. Ask yourself, “Do I do any of those behaviors?
2. Since all situations are different, you need individualized help to get strength, courage, determination and skill, and to create and carry out an effective plan. Please, call or email me to schedule phone or Skype coaching - 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543).
3. You can pay easily through major credit cards or PayPal (Ben@BulliesBeGone.com).
What’s the price of trying to bully your way through life? Slow erosion of your soul!
Best wishes,
Ben
If I may just say a lil - My Grand Father once told me 'You cannot please everyone all of the time' - so either you please yourself or you help someone who can be helped and one who is in the vulnerable of endangered situation - and I also feel that if the narcissists are either beyond help or that if The kind man who made this video here - if the ones who are being abuse get out of the situation - I mean time after time after time if these guys have the victim leave them in the end they may have no one that they can do it to - I feel that may be a great cure, though im not sure we can cure anything, we need to treat not cure I feel - thank u for making me think with your question an interesting quest Alastair ... and I wonder what the Ben thinks of my reply here - though no matter what I send love to all
Kat Wolf
Hi Kat,
Yes, I agree. Sometimes 2,000 miles is enough. Sometimes you have to be more firm.
But get away so you can have a wonderful life.
Best wishes,
Ben
Ben Leichtling
Hi Kat,
Actually I do a lot of chatting as a counselor and coach.
Since all situations are different, you need individualized help to get strength, courage, determination and skill, and to create and carry out an effective plan. Please, call or email me to schedule phone or Skype coaching - 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543).
You can pay easily through major credit cards or PayPal (Ben@BulliesBeGone.com).
What’s the price of putting up with bullies? Slow erosion of your soul!
Best wishes,
Ben
Exactly on point 👌🏽 everyone is focusing on the victims, and keep on saying that the abuser can never change.
I believe they're are abusers out there looking for ways to change their bad habits.
so we all have to figure out ways and methods to help this person's deal with their bad habits only then can we get rid of the disease... Peace
I wish I saw this video before I got married
Yes, exactly. Its funny to be so naive in age 35. I got tricked by my own positive stupidity. In that time I was changing my life, started to love myself and finally felt good about myself then boom..he came and as I learnt to be open, to have an open heart and dont ask about past, just be and believe in life itself..he came and I didnt have a clue about manipulation AT ALL..age 35.
They never will change . I stay for my daughter I do love him but what can I do. He gets so jelous he thinks women hit on me. I love him but it cuts deep. The man is sick.
Apparently I'm 9yrs too late. My husband is never home and dumps chores on me, curses at me, embarrass me, and is so rude yet will scream that he did such and such to make my life better.
Edit* He does have a TBI and we have 1 child. I want to leave but I feel guilty for the reasons mentioned above.
Sacrifice everything, almost never go anywhere or do anything with anyone or without them and if you do they make sure you pay for it with threats, nonstop harassment, crazy accusations & cruel treatment. Never acknowledge anything you do for them instead everything is twisted into somehow doing them wrong.
Sir, you have described my situation just like you were here with me.
Hi Denise,
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Horrible.
Since all situations are different, I offer individualized help so you can develop strength, courage, determination and skill, and create and carry out an effective plan. Please, call or email me to schedule phone, Zoom, Messenger, WhatsApp or Skype coaching - 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543). If you get voice mail, I’m counseling someone else. Please leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.
You can pay easily through major credit cards or PayPal (Ben@BulliesBeGone.com).
What’s the price of putting up with bullies? Slow erosion of your soul!
I can help you work through a complicated situation.
Best wishes,
Ben
Denise Brown,your lovely smile can make the news
I don't know how to stop my wife from being so angry and controlling. She knows she has deep anger issues and I try to identify it at the moment when she starts cursing at me or calling me names. Any small difference in opinion she gets highly upset. I don't even feel I'm alive when I'm around her because I get sucked into her uncontrollable anger and it gets me upset and depressingly sad because I can't avoid it no matter what I say. She calls me the narcissist and know it all because I tell her that she's ruining the marriage, but she tries to level out the blame saying I have problems too because I can't handle her anger. It's a pure circus act in my home of tap dancing around the biggest issue -- how we handle disagreements. She manipulates our arguments about her irrate into other issues where she's not at fault. Like if we are having a problem with how we communicate she wants to start talking about other issues as if it is the problem were arguing about. So it becomes an argument that's never in the original context. I try to go step by step through the issues but she's so irate that she brings up irrelevant arguments. She begs me to stay because she's claimed, countlessly, that she'll change, but is still incapable in every instance. She talks for minutes at a time and the moment I try to refute something she's saying, then she says I'm cutting her off, ignoring her, when I'm directly responding to what she's saying. This is very frustrating that she talks so long and as soon as I get a word in she always says she can't even finish one sentence. Even though she doesnt say it, she does not want me to respond at all. I wait for a break in her argument to respond but she calls that cutting her off because she's not finished and ends up cursing up a storm when I'm telling her I'm responding to something I don't find accurate in what she's saying. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm not allowed to talk to anyone about it, that's not a professional. But I'm beyond fed up and just ready to go.
+Clint Alexander
Hi Clint,
Sorry, I couldn’t answer sooner. I had surgery but now I’m back.
So sorry. That’s horrible.
Reason never works with people who are in the grips of huge emotion. Sounds like she thinks she’s fine and you have to do all the changing.
Don’t listen to her orders. You follow your spirit.
Since all situations are different, I offer individualized help so you can develop strength, courage, determination and skill, and create and carry out an effective plan. Please, call or email me to schedule phone or Skype coaching - 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543).
You can pay easily through major credit cards or PayPal (Ben@BulliesBeGone.com).
What’s the price of putting up with bullies? Slow erosion of your soul!
Best wishes,
Ben
I am not alone..
There is only way managing the situation: leave ASAP
95% of what you said describes my Husband. I wish he could just see what he does and change because we have two babies both under two. I need to decide what to do.
You just described my daughter in law. Not always the husband.
my husband is just like this. 100% what should I do?
I am dealing with a husband who just verbally attacked me by cussing over the phone because I was having contractions and could not reach him. I am 7.5 months pregnant, work full time, take care of our daughter. He does not live with us. He then texts me how selfish I am and only think of my needs, that I ruin his reputation, that I do not act like a family, that he has every right to cuss at me because a judge told him it was ok, and the kicker was he told me he can not stand you white people. He is brown, sometimes the first white people. Yes, you guessed it, I am white and he choose to marry me and procreate. Makes me wonder what he thinks of his daughter with my white blood in her DNA or what he thinks of our son about to be born. Then he called me racist. Lol...that is a laugh born from hurt and pain. That is just a small slice of tonight, but standard meanness and aggression for over 5 years. How do I get this very mean, hateful person out of my life. I just wanted him to love me and think I was a good person and I finally realize that will never happen, especially if he can not stand white people and I am white. Thank you for any advice.
+11novella7
Hi 11novella7,
It’s simple but not easy.
You stop talking, texting, FB-ing with him. Since he treats you like dirt get him out of your life.
See a lawyer and make it legal.
Don’t believe what he says. Don’t argue. Just cut it off
You have to learn to take care of yourself and find better people to be with. And fast.
Best wishes,
Ben
Finally I am leaving him with my daughter years back you gave the advice
I am from a small town with the good ole boy system. I tried leaving my husband. He had his secret friends arrest me and he closed our joint banking account. I was left with nothing. He even got the kids because I didnt have a job. I went back to him because I felt helpless. I can't disagree with him, if I do it is the silent treatment, which is a lot better than the slapping around, which he always says he never touched me. I guess Im the crazy one for staying. Thank You for the video.
Oh Wendy I so understand the FRICKING helpfulness u feel! I'm so sick of living like this but I can do nothing!
Hi there listen I'm going through it now and for the past few years good luck Everything you said sounds like me. They are very manipulative and liars. Wwwoooo
yes and I am at the point of thinking of ending my pain once and for all
+Wendy Millsaps
Hi Wendy,
That’s a choice but don’t make it. Make the choice to live, to fight and fight no matter how dark the future seems. You never know.
Remember the Martian. And wait until next Tuesday to read the next blog article.
Best wishes,
Ben
i have called you ,please get back with me ,thank you ben
I live with one. I will read this list to him and see if he recognizes anyone he knows in this list. Thanks for helping me to gain control of myself!
That's only going to piss him off.
Wao! And you have the guts to read these to him?? Some can't even try such...
Thank u so much for sharing this - I am not one who has a husband like this - though someone I love has a boyfriend that is this way - your words rang true time after time - thank you again my friend
Hi Kat,
Sorry I couldn’t answer sooner.
Maybe share the video and have the person call or email me to schedule phone or Skype coaching - 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543).
Since all situations are different, they need individualized help to get strength, courage, determination and skill, and to create and carry out an effective plan.
They can pay easily through major credit cards or PayPal (Ben@BulliesBeGone.com).
What’s the price of putting up with bullies? Slow erosion of your soul!
But, of course, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make her drink. She may have to suffer a lot more before she’s willing to change.
Best wishes,
Ben
hugs to u, u r a busy bee - will little time to chit chat as it were :) I thank u anyway
BEST VIDEO EVER!
MY fiancé is so abusive he does everything that you've talked about , he even tells me what i should wear ! he makes up a fight and then he claims he's always right and i just can't take it anymore , i don't know how to deal with him , i don't wanna lose him but i want him to change because this is unacceptable
I hope you left him
I'm Abusive and I know I am I keep trying to stop by using a more pain inducing method because I'm run out of options. I have never witnessed a healthy relationship and Abuse is all I known. I know this isn't an excuse and I keep trying to fix myself but it's not working. I need help I need advice I don't want to be like can someone please help me
Make a plan go escape. Run. Need space away for a year before even work through what happened. Take recordings texts any proof for later when sane and press charges to prevent retaliation and wide spread defamation .
Hi fte,
Great idea!!!!!
Since all situations are different, I offer individualized help so you can develop strength, courage, determination and skill, and create and carry out an effective plan. Please, call or email me to schedule phone, Messenger, WhatsApp or Skype coaching - 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543). If you get voice mail, I’m counseling someone else. Please leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.
You can pay easily through major credit cards or PayPal (Ben@BulliesBeGone.com).
What’s the price of putting up with bullies? Slow erosion of your soul!
I can help you work through a complicated situation.
Best wishes,
Ben
This describes my husband too.i come from the part of the world that thinks divorce is a taboo.women that leave thier husbands for what ever reason are seen as prostitutes and failures.and her children especially the daughtesr suffer the consequences too.so even when you are hurting nobody listens
So basically the only solution is leaving the relationship?
That really describes my husband. He is out and out verbally abusive. He has only learned all these things from childhood. But I have a son now and he loves him. I really want to get separated from this person but I know my son will be broken. And you know how complex Indian households are. They always say that only men are right. But still, I am more worried about my son.
How do you talk to adult kids about this bully? Wait until he's dead?
your right , then you drink and you look like the bad guy, and people just judge you , and the man looks sweet and innocent, and wonder why the girl is acting like that. so its better just to be alone.lol
4-7-14
Hi cocob,
Right.
More important than winning a fight with him or what other people think is getting free and separate.
Then you can make a wonderful life and you won’t be alone for long.
Best wishes,
Ben
All true. Not very healthy to be around.....an energy sucking situation sadly!
I was starting to realize I was becoming him. I could cheat find a lovely man but nope I stay .
I am abuser. I don't know why go abused too
Oh my gosh this is my life.
sounds like my mom and my wife. good thing Jesus Christ saved me.
+Rge Ctvla
Hi Rge,
Don’t listen to her. Plan smarter. Stop her or get away.
Best wishes,
Ben
I ‘m a bully to my beautiful wife of 18 years How do I stop. I really don’t like myself this way.
Step one you already did !! You have accepted you have a problem . I sure hope your relationship gets better soon . Since your willing to accept your wrong doings maybe y’all can sit down and discuss the issues.
@@harlea_the_swamp_bitch6 I start counseling Saturday.
So true, it’s just awful..
This is my life" it's like your living in my house , I've been hit , slapped ,kicked punch,
its all about inflicting self doubt, and alternate truth for you
Hi Jolita,
Right. Keep the truth your gut knows. Your heart and soul. Don’t pay attention to your mind trying to figure out what’s true or right.
Make space for people who honor and respect you, even or especially when they disagree.
Make a life that thrills you heart and soul.
Best wishes,
Ben
Ben Leichtling I feel as if I'm going crazy...whenever I have issues with my husband he makes me feel like that and in the most passive aggressive way he says he is the only one in the house with logics
This has been my story for 30 loooong years111 I cant"t leave him only because he has not comited adultery and i believe in marriage sacredness, although every single day i wish i could die because i can"t function mentally anymore.
My sis is a bully. She is not evolving .
my husband is all these above
Jane Collins keep in touch with me, my husband is very abusive and in laws are extremely misogynistic
Jane Collins you can message me... all abused wives, let's make such a huge group that we can support and stand by each other like strong pillars
You are talking about a classic 1.1 in the emotional tone scale ( covert hostility )
i label it as the joker entity
the joker entity is a real spiritual attachment that controls people from the upper wisdom channel
the joker is indifferent
the joker has a superiority/ inferiority complex
the joker is terrified of grieving and thus afraid of being vulnerable
the joker also has self image issues
the classic covertly hostile dilemma is being stuck between fear and anger afraid to admit to either feeling
they are definitely cruel and then laugh about it afterwards saying it was just a joke and only kidding
Help me I'm suffering d same n getting away not so easy
My Husband is everything that you discribed.I have been with him for last 23 years only for my children.What do I do
Hi Rupa,
So sorry. And he won't change.
Since all situations are different, I offer individualized help so you can develop strength, courage, determination and skill, and create and carry out an effective plan. Please, call or email me to schedule phone, Zoom, Messenger, WhatsApp or Skype coaching - 1-877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543). If you get voice mail, I’m counseling someone else. Please leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.
You can pay easily through major credit cards or PayPal (Ben@BulliesBeGone.com).
What’s the price of putting up with bullies? Slow erosion of your soul!
I can help you work through a complicated situation.
Best wishes,
Ben
Thank you soooo much!!! Looking for an escape plan with my three little beauties... :(
+Tatiana Soukhatcheva
Hi Tatiana,
Good for you. Plan in secret. Find allies. Protect yourself and the beauties. They need you to set an example for the rest of their lives.
Be strong, brave and determined.
Thousands have done it before you and you can too - despite the risks..
Best wishes,
Ben
+Ben Leichtling Thank you for encouragement! That's what I'm trying to do right now. But he is always around not leaving us out of sight - glued to the place!!! Will pray tonight...
+Tatiana Soukhatcheva
Hi Tatiana,
Yes, it’s hard. The difficulty reminds you of how important it is to get out from under his control.
Best wishes,
Ben
It hurts so bad.
My stbx husband is calling me toxic and all sorts of names. I am divorcing him bc I will not accept his first and the children they have together. He's angry with me more making more money than him. I told him to go take care if his children.
Wonderfully put.
im finally figuring out hoe really ill my husband is... and accepting that i cant help him.. that i dont really want to.. cause its way too deep... he has several mental illnesses
chronic compulsive liar , obsessive compulsive victim mentalty depression hypochondriac and mild alcoholism or functional
What should I do, my boyfriend is exactly like that but I am financially dependent on him so can’t go to the police when he bullies or abuses me
I like being around strong successful ambitious women but I always get exhausted and abused by them.
what am I doing wrong
You spoke about my husband. Just one more thing he likes to hit.
If anyone hits you , you should not tolerate it but leave !
You can either leave or fight back, but you have to make that decision. He's bold & brazen to put his hands on you though.
If it were me who he put his hands on he'd be wearing a large pot of piping hot grits - BUT - that's just me.... 🙄😏 Good luck!
I'm ready to leave my abusive husband, and wish to go a stay with my father in another state. The thing is though, my husband and I have a 2 year old daughter together. My husband tries to use her against me and insinuate that my family and I are trying to keep her away from him. But in reality, I just want to get her away from the destructive and at times, frightening arguments we have. My husband blows up in anger very easily, is emotionally and verbaly abusive towards me, threatening to commit suicide at times too. I must admit, that I have reacted in anger to his hissy fits over nothing, and don't want it to continue any longer, for the sake of our daughter. Please help, what can I do and say to allow my husband to understand that I have no intention of with holding our daughter from him?
laura tzamouzaki Hi Laura, I left my husband in January this year after he beat me In the presence of my mother and our 2month old son. I CANNOT allow my son to witness violence seeing that my dad never did that to my mom. I CANNOT let my child witness this and develop the same trait.... it really is the highest form of abuse for a child. If mothers of the past had taken the bold step of leaving the abuse and saving their kids, then maybe we wont have the inferior thinking men (or half baked man) who get married or date and abuse their wives or girlfriend. IF YOU ARE READY TO LEAVE, DO SO. Always remember YOUR SAFETY AND THAT OF YOUR CHILD IS KEY.
What if you are married to him with two kids, no money or job?