Gretchen Rubin discussing "Obligers"
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- Опубліковано 21 сер 2024
- In a nutshell, under this scheme, people fall into one of four categories--Upholder, Questioner, Rebel, Obliger--depending on how they respond to external rules and internal rules.
Upholders respond to both inner and outer rules; Questioners question all rules, but can follow rules they endorse (effectively making all rules into inner rules); Rebels resist all rules; Obligers respond to outer rules but not to inner rules. To read more, go here.
I'm still refining this idea, and I'd be very interested to hear people's thoughts on my further analysis.
One important question is: what is the main desire or motivation driving the people in the four categories? Here's what I currently believe. Does it ring true to you?
Upholders wake up and think, "What's on the schedule and the to-do list for today?" They're very motivated by execution, getting things accomplished. They really don't like making mistakes, getting blamed, or failing to follow through (including doing so to themselves).
Questioners wake up and think, "What needs to get done today?" They're very motivated by seeing good reasons for a particular course of action. They really don't like spending time and effort on activities they don't agree with.
Rebels wake up and think, "What do I want to do today?" They're very motivated by a sense of freedom, of self-determination. (I used to think that Rebels were energizing by flouting rules, but I now I suspect that that's a by-product of their desire to determine their own course of action. Though they do seem to enjoy flouting rules.) They really don't like being told what to do.
Obligers wake up and think, "What must I do today?" They're very motivated by accountability. They really don't like being reprimanded or letting others down.
Understanding this is important, because if you want to motivate yourself (or someone else) to do something, it's key to know how a person will consider and act upon that request or order.
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Gretchen Rubin is the co-host of the top-ranked, award-winning Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. One of the most thoughtful and influential voices on the subjects of happiness, habits, and human nature, she’s the author of several New York Times bestsellers, including “The Happiness Project,” “The Four Tendencies,” and “Better Than Before”. She lives in New York City with her family.
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I need to find some obligers to make an accountability group
There is an app called "Better" if you join you can ask to create private groups for accountability with other obligers using the app :)
Awesome, thanks so much Emily!
seems like being an obliger can be costly if the obliger were to fulfill internal expectations.
I have been an obliger at times but not for long as my physical and emotional health would catch up with me and then I would turn into a rebel. I have done the quiz twice and the result was questioner.
Hey, if you read the book Gretchen talks about this - she calls it obliger rebellion I think. Basically, you keep putting everyone else first and taking the slack. Eventually, it hits you and you rebel and push back massively.
@Em B - is there a cure for “obliger rebellion” ?
It is so hard to be obliger specially in lockdown. I am bearly finishing any work. There so less deadlines suddenly. Can't someone tell me how to change myself.
Hey
So it's late. But I kinda have an answer for you:
You call your friends and create like a library environment, where each of you is working on different things but together.
And since you're doing smth with your friends, you don't want to let them down.
Before doing that, make a to do list with every work you gotta do and use the time with your friends to check boxes off that list
Hope it helps!
i totally understand that. most of my teachers doesnt set a deadline so i dont have motivation to do it
I am taking notes. This is super helpful.
The solutions for Obligers to be more accountable can be useful for all of us.
Hi Gretchen.
You just opened my eyes why I am always frustrated about myself.
So, I have a question. Can somebody transfer from one category to another? I wish I'd be more selfish, but when I try to, I feel frustrated again for having to give up on external expectations.
Hope I'll get an answer from you. It would be an enormous help. Thank you
no it is a personality trait.
You can reduce it through mindfulness and practice, but it is inherent and will stay with you
Will Smith is such an Obliger. I had to come here after that Slap at the Oscars.
Omg I feel alot better now 😩
But I'm done doing things for others, because of other people
Me too, that's why I'm trying to change and yes it's hard, but I won't settle down for the idea that it's impossible .. it seems that Gretchen isn't really aware of how horrible the consequences of living as an obliger can be! that tendency that we have to give our time for others can ruin our life.
Try to be more assertive and work on your self esteem that really can help.
find people who don't abuse you. many people are assholes. :-)
So, that group is about ESFJ, ENFJ, ISFJ and INFJ. Fe users at first and second position.
And She is a obvious ISTJ. Si a lot, organization, details, sequential thinking, concrete information a lot, she avoid a lot to jump to conclusion without go to the whole process in a very sequential way.
She almost don't make a question. Very weak Ne.
Here's an idea:
This idea that children won’t learn without outside rewards and penalties, or in the debased jargon of the behaviorists, “positive and negative reinforcements,” usually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we treat children long enough as if that were true, they will come to believe it is true. So many people have said to me, “If we didn’t make children do things, they wouldn’t do anything.” Even worse, they say, “If I weren’t made to do things, I wouldn’t do anything.”It is the creed of a slave. ― John Holt, How Children Fail
fake guru