I just ended a relationship with a narcissist, gaslighting was one of the reasons why I couldn't stay. I felt crazy, I felt depressed, I felt small. I'm happy it's over and I'm slowly getting back to normal
Same here... I was sent 7 different potential mental illnesses diagnosed by my former partner. The thing is I WROTE out my thoughts clearly- and stated " We are done here, Go F*ck your self. " I will never be with someone who is trying to diagnose me with out an MD or PhD associated with their name. I warned my partner that if I received the same treatment his best mate imposes on his spouse (which is constantly saying she -friend's spouse - is crazy). The moment this occurred.... I said Bye Felicia!
@Makeup Minion That's exactly right and BOTH of my parents and other family members and their so-called friends were extremely narcissistic when I was a child, so I didn't stand a chance! In fact, my childhood was horrendous and all my relationships have been with narcissistic, or much worse, men and even female friends. Mind you, I've had huge issues as well, but I've been doing healing work for many years. I definitely have empathy and compassion for people and animals too. I believe that narcissism etc is mainly caused by trauma though, which can be verified with my family history. ❤
When you bring up that you don’t like the constant “joking” insults and ask for it to stop: “You’re just too sensitive.” “Everyone else thinks it’s funny.” “I wish you would insult me back - we can enjoy it together.” (Brain washing to be awful like them) “I didn’t mean it that way. You know that, so why bring it up?” “You just don’t get me. You should try harder to understand why I’m funny.” “You need to laugh more - laughing at yourself is good for you.” Gaslighting is dangerous, because in response to a reasonable request, you get answers that sound kind of plausible and make you forget the reasonable thing you were asking for in the first place. But it’s the feeling of not being able to get your message through - hold on to that. If you try to reasonably ask for something to stop and you get blown off no matter what you say, that’s the red flag. Some times people around you will point out it’s messed up. But sometimes people around you don’t understand or are also gaslighting - so you have to use your own sense. If possible, reach out and try to find wise people who don’t behave that way.
After trying to calmly communicate that being called a "pig" is not funny, he countered with, "Look, for me its a joke. If you feel hurt, that's on you. Maybe you should stop taking things too personally". When he joked again and I'm explaining myself, again, he would react with, "I don't think this is even worth talking about." He then pretends as if nothing ever happened. It's such a heavy burden on both my emotions and my sanity.
@@rexie1282 i get you, its head spinning, they drop a bomb then scarper, leaving you reeling and often blaming yourself. Because they look so bright and breezy as they do it. And we look like neurotic wrecks. It really chips away at you until you become entirely dependent on their reality, and have no sense of your own.
Alot of these statements aren't gaslighting. So much depends on context and frequency. Above all its how it leaves you feeling. If you're confused, overwhelmed, doubt yourself then its gaslights.
"The right relationship should have a healing property. It should make us feel more confident; it should make us feel safer, more loved. It should engender a style of communication that compassionately helps us understand and navigate where we may be wrong and lovingly acknowledges where we are right." Love this.
I was married to a Narcissist for 5 years and it leaves you so drained out thinking and over thinking every situation. What to say and what not to say ... it’s exhausting to be with this kind of sociopath !
It's even more painful & dangerous when it comes from a parent. After the recent passing of my father, my mother's gaslighting became evident & vicious towards me & my sisters, we came to realize, that we grow up with it, normalizing it, and that it affected our lives permanently. The road to healing seems so hard at this point, but at least now we see it.
Same with my dad, it's rough to recover but the hardest part really is just seeing the truth & identifying the patterns. I & my sister are sharing space with him now during COVID & the gaslighting & emotional abuse has just escalated, but because of that we've learned to be more empowered in enforcing healthy boundaries & affirming the true realities of situations. He may never change, but we have and continue that commitment to. I wish the best for you and your sisters, much love & light as you navigate this tricky situation. xo
Same thing happened after my dad passed in 2014. My mom began the overt gaslighting.. I never knew what she was doing had a name until about 2019..I also realized it’s other people telling her to act that way (religious people & family) , very weird and psychotic. I keep telling her I’m gonna need so much therapy bcuz of what she continues to do. She tells me all I need to do is pray. Which is more gaslighting
I grew up with this from my mother as well. Much guilt tripping, shaming and fear mongering was done, all “in the name of” faith and salvation. I’m 27, and only recently gave myself permission to pursue my life as I see fit. And more importantly, to be gracious and forgiving with myself when I make mistakes; not default to those {“I told you so” - mother} thoughts and give in to doubt. I had to (and continue to) do A LOT of inner work before I started being more brave to do the outer work. It wasn’t pretty; it was like opening a can of worms with all the built up resentment. But it’s liberating and empowering to watch myself slowly come out the other side. The articles and newsletters by Karen CL Anderson (specialised in difficult mother-daughter relationships) helped me tremendously. I hope her work can help you and your sisters too ☺️❤️
That is so true but it is utterly heartbreaking that there are people out there like that. As time goes on and trying to date it is mind-blowing how many people men and women show narcissistic tendencies but they never want you to call them on it
Step 1: Get some space from the conversation that’s happening. Step 2: Have conversation with people you trust, who have no agenda. Step 3: Pay attention to your feelings. GOT IT!!! 👍
If you have an icky feeling either during or immediately after a conversation, you were just being manipulated in some way by the other person. Step back & decide what boundaries you're going to set with that person going forward. You can't control their manipulative behavior, but you can control how you respond to it.
What if I gaslight other people and dont know im doing it? Ive been accused of gaslighting and might be. There has been no info anywhere on how to not do that. Just info on how to deal with being gaslighted.
He would say to me, "You're remembering wrong" and I would really question my own memory of what happened. Thanks for taking on the topic of the behavior and tactics of Narcissists they target people looking for real love. They use it against us.
My bf did this so many fucking times and even tried to confuse the conversation to manipulate the issue into me being "crazy" and that he didn't do anything wrong.
I knew I wasn't crazy. It got so bad that I had to stop addressing issues out of fear of this happening every time. Got out of that relationship, thankfully. Thank you for posting this video✌
Exactly where I'm at right now!!! Like you don't want me to talk about issues,then fix them! Don't call ME crazy because I can't just ignore stuff that obviously affect me, affect us Like make it make sense
Gaslighting: the definition of my soon to be ex-husband's interaction with me during our 6 years together. Only those of us who have been through it know what it can do to us on a psychological level and how bad it can scar us. I'm so glad and grateful and lucky to have had support from my loved ones, to have finally found clarity and had the strength to walk away, and to have found such an amazing therapist which was crucial to my healing process. To anyone out there who have gone through or are going through the same: you are not alone and you are not crazy. Please know that there is a way out, I've been there, I promise you there is even though it may not seem like it right now. Do yourself a favor and seek support from either loved ones whose opinions you trust (as Matthew Hussey says here) and look for a great therapist (just like any professional, there are good therapists, and not so good ones, so be sure to choose a really good one -- we're talking about your mental health). It'll make all the difference and give you some clarity on what you should do. Be strong, you'll be okay and you deserve to be happy. 💕
Thank you. Going through the similar thing with my soon to be ex-husband, any details on good therapist please (as most of them are even doing online therapy these days)
@@jbashsharma4947 My therapist's name is Dr. Sa, she's located in Framingham, MA, USA. You'll find her easily on Google, the name of her practice is One World Mental Health. I know she focuses on Latino and Brazilian patients (I'm Brazilian). But it's still worth reaching out even if you aren't, just in case. If not, don't get discouraged, keep looking for a great therapist until you find one, (you'll know it once you've found a good one) it makes ALL the difference. Sending you good vibes, energy and positivity. May you overcome this period sooner rather than later and find peace. 💕
go deep its not the prideful person its the demons manifesting thru them reason stuff they do seems super natural all taught to them by your local freemason lodge aka witchcraft 17 daise channel explains
To anyone who is in the beginning stages of trying to leave that horrible relationship, congratulations. You may not see the sun shining on the other side just yet but you've truly opened the door to a wonderful, new life. God bless you!
Your articulation in this video has just validated every “gaslightee” who has felt frustrated, defeated, and unable to articulate their own feelings towards their gaslighter. Thank you for this! I feel lighter inside
I walked right up to my gaslighters start talking hey whats up hows lucifer treating you paying you good on disability all the gaslighters are satanist when you have problem with one this is how they attack mentally you soon discover its super natural by way things go down 17 daise channel explains
I remember seeing this guy and then finding out from someone that I'm his side chick 😳 I confronted him. But all I got from him was a silence treatment and him going out of his way trying to find out who told me these things. It was driving me absolutely crazy and I started to believe that maybe I'm just being unreasonable and that he does love me, and that he's not a liar 🤣😁🤣🤣 I'm laughing now, but back then it really hurt. Like this if you ever ignored your inner voice. Your intuition. It's there for a reason. Tune into your intuition and your feelings 💜
Sorry you went through that. He used the silent treatment to "punish" you and make you look like the crazy one.. classic gaslighting. Glad you're laughing now though and hope you found a better partner!
@Billy But Whole explain the silent treatment then. Why ignore someone if they're just asking a question and you're actually innocent? He should have reassured her or at least answered the question but instead he ignored her and left her to question whether she was right to ask at all.
Trust your instinks. I didn't and caused me a lot of pain. I am 58 yrs old now. Thank God for the last 2 years I figured it out. But wish someone would have told me sooner.
My last relationship (broke up with him months ago) and it wasn’t until the end of that relationship that I realized I was being gaslighted on a very painful consistent unhealthy abusive basis. Thank you for making a video on this and bringing light to it.
Same here. Matthew you are a soul rescuer 😲🕊️ in midst of a gut-wrenching pandemic that pushes the worst forth in dating the inappropriate ones. No more insane Retraumatized pain body!
He seems to be so connected with our collective unconscious! ❤️ I love it! I also struging with gaslighters on my life, really needed it. Thank you Matthew I love yoooouu
I wish I had seen this in 2014. I could have walked away from a real psychopath who used me and abused my nature. He eventually destroyed my self esteem and confidence when I was on top of my life. I wish I had listened to my best friend about her warnings about him. I wish I paid attention to my gut instincts that he did not care about me; always felt worse after interacting with him. Those 3 steps would have saved me years of pain.
@@KatErina-ii6ru I found Matthew Hussey as a result of the guy's treatment (and a few others after). So, Matthew basically saved my life and gave me the knowledge to build myself back up stronger.
If you find yourself doubting the reality the other person is trying to feed you into, or your friends say something along the lines of "that's a horrible thing to say/do to you", you might be gaslighted. If our own self-esteem is low, you might not even notice that yourself
I had someone put me down and even say sadly I don’t think you live in the real world. Put me down often Thank god this person isn’t in my life Selfish controlling manipulative and dismissive. There was no safety my needs weren’t met when I explained what I needed. I trusted my gut and ran. Great video I was so unhappy.
true lucifer uses ones close so they know all your moves and things to trigger you all tactics learned from those great guys and women at you local masonic lodge eastern star organization and you thought they were charities 17 daise channel shows all these nice people
This has happened to me at work places, too many dysfunctional bosses or co-workers. I am no longer able to work, I´ve fibromyalgia and sleep apnea, but I am happier than ever despite of pains and fatigue. I am free to live my kind of life. My days are full and emotionally satisfying: house chores and chatting with friends, reading, sewing, drawing and learning every day something new.
4:59 - 6:40 Step 3: Pay attention to your feelings. Thank you for this Matthew. 💗 I didn’t reflect on this piece of communication before. I can fully let my relationship with my ex go now.
I was with someone who would gaslight me, and I wouldn't realize it. I stayed with him for 7 years before I realized and decided I didn't want to be manipulated anymore. I'm now with someone who I can tell and call out when he's unintentionally using tactics to dismiss me. After I tell him how he's trying to make me feel like my reasoning or emotions aren't valid, he apologizes.
Oni219 It's great about your new partner, but I hope he can learn to stop doing it eventually, or not as much! I did counselling courses many years ago, then noticed that most people don't validate others feelings though, because a lot of parents and teachers don't model it. Another point is that so many people used to grow up watching TV where put downs are a normal part of relating, especially in comedies. 😥
@Oni219 , I don't want to badmouth your current relationship, but the constant apologies can also be a tactic. I just wanted to make you aware of that.
You give me hope. Thank you... i know there are good people out there but i have gotten so used to the type of people who just dont apologise and take responsability for their actions...
If you get into relationships with people that gaslight you, then chances are your parent/s gaslit you growing up and you're so used to it that you can't identify when it's happening. Work on your own wounds from childhood and you'll be less likely to be attracted to people who have a tendency to be like this.
Sorry, but that inaccurate. I had an awesome family and a wonderful childhood. I was with a narcissist for 24 years. I experienced verbal, physical, mental, emotional and financial abuse. They manipulate you every moment of every day and wear down any self confidence you ever had.
@@pixxie__ because he manipulated me into thinking I was such a piece of sh*t and no one else would ever want me. I also did not believe in divorce. If you've never been in a relationship with a narcissist you will never understand the intricacies of it. And I hope you never do. It's very insensitive to ask a victim of abuse that question.
@@Tasty4339 I've been with a narcissist before, I do know the impact they can have. It was just a question of curiosity as to what made you stay, that's all. No judgment here.
@@pixxie__ BS you where judging, trying to say someone who stays with narcissist for 24 yrs is b/c their parents were narcissist too, so now its all the victim's fault.
Thank you for helping women recognize the dangers of narcissism. I lived with one for 18 years and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’ve been free for the last three years, the best three years of my life! Strong, independent, and loving life. Keep up the great content you are helping others in a profound way.
@@karoline8524 This is more detail about gaslighting from psychological term, forward to 13:50 for explanation about "gaslighting yourself" m.ua-cam.com/video/bVBdWSPXyRw/v-deo.html
@@karoline8524 if u convince yourself it's wrong even though u r right in some other view morally but u make your mind that you are wrong and not that good in making decisions but it do work in real life and you just cheat your mind and questioning your capability and this automatically makes a low esteem inside us and also damaging our own character sometimes. The only solution for this is having a self love and also having idea of our own emotions and also morally right things
Thank you, I started seeing a guy & didn't realize this is what he was doing. I called him out on it & he told me I was losing it, ended it with him & never felt better.
Mathew's voice is so calming . Its such a good experience to hear his heart out each time he puts up something . I relate a lot to this video . I choose to become someone who loves, warm and cares deeply about people. I never wanted to become the person who really broke my heart my faith my esteem. I chose the opposite. It changed my life for the best. And in that process i found my best friend too. I hope you heal and become a kinder, warmer, stronger and a happy human being ❤️
Talking about gaslighting is so important. Talking about how a lot of women are constantly made to feel crazy is important. And talking about how we can all act manipulative sometimes but you need to pay attention to the pattern is even more important. This video hits the nail on the head and all that in just a few minutes.
Everything from projection and deflection to hiding my glasses, my keys, and accusing me of being "forgetful" then miraculously finding them after I've felt stressed all day. I left after 4 yrs of this. Its true that the worst thing is knowing that this behavior is intentional.
I loved this message, Matthew. There is way too many narcissists out there and women should be prepare to recognize some early signs that a relationship may become toxic.
You are the architect of your own reality. If you’re looking at the beams and walls and telling yourself, “Wait, I know this just isn’t true,” then the gaslight might be on.
Facts. And our strength in the knowing should also lead us to persistently keep believing in Love and Equity-Equality. People are damaged to some degree. They throw up their suppressed hurting insecurity-emotions. Strong humane persons are heart-driven and sober.
Thank you for this! For so long this was a major issue for me. I haven’t felt seen and understood in such a long time, that I don’t know what to do anymore when someone does.
Thank you Matthew. People need to hear this. I was in 11mnth relationship with someone like that last year. One of my friends told me Im under a spell, and now after being free from him, I realise that is actually how it feels. Only after the brakeup I realise he is kinda of a narsisst too. I am left with over 200,000 rands (RSA) debt and things he stole from me, which at that point I thought was a good thing for both of us. It came to light he cheated on another woman with me. He has a gambling problem. And even when he was confronted with all this he denied everything! He lied so much when caught, but worse he made me out to be the bad one. Told her and everyone how ugly I am, and he never wanted to be with me, that I stalked him and I didnt want to let him go and so on. All lies! There were many times I showed him the door and he begged to come back. I am just glad I am free now, and learned a valuable good lesson.
I learned the hard way about gaslighting and you're correct, you have no idea it's happening if it's done effectively. ... I remember feeling like I couldn't trust my own memories, perception...and eventually I felt like I was a bad person....the man I was with was a pro at gaslighting. Luckily, I had my sister to help me and to talk with. Leaving that guy was sooo difficult. 6 years later, I feel that I learned valuable lessons. Yes the relationship took a toll on me emotionally (I lived with an unhealthy guy for 4 years); however, I feel our experiences (no matter how bad) can help us learn and grow and become a better version of ourselves. I am definitely more observant when I am in a relationship. 😁🏵️
I like how you included all the possibilities... Especially, the fact that every one of us may have questioned someone else's sense of reality at some point- knowingly or unknowingly. Probably we call it gaslighting only when it's done intentionally.
I experienced it so badly that I nearly wasn't here in 2019. I went through it with family long before I knew what it meant & I panicked thinking maybe I was ill, that I unknowingly had a multiple personality disorder & then I went through it in my job & it was there that I lost complete trust in everything & everyone, thinking I was absolutely crazy. I couldn't even trust myself & it took me down this dark path that almost ended me. I am now dealing with gaslighting again at work & this time due to learning from the past, I called the person out. She went crazy at me, but I stood my ground. My sanity is more important than my job & therefore I can leave. She will be worse off if I walk out, not me. I've been through bigger struggles. So I'm going to give my job one more chance & if it carries on, I'm out. No-one will ever make me feel this way again
Matthew, thank you for this video! I have often wondered why dating coaches don't talk about toxic dating situations. Mine includes a man, from over three years ago, with whom I was smitten. My intuition says he was gaslighting me. Even though I know what this is, I never named it this way, until I watched this video! Even yesterday, I was getting a more whole picture of what my intuition tells me was going on, which is because of his son getting put in jail, he fell back into relationship with his former live-in fiancee, whom his daughter called "grandma" on a FB photo with his grandchildren. Some months after he said he didn't have time for a relationship because of his son, saying we could be friends, we continued to talk in the store where he worked. In the light of gaslighting, his actions and words make more sense, including trying to keep me on the back burner, in case she left him again. For example, some months later, some of his words in a horrible text he sent me in response to the first text I ever sent him, were "you are a nut job...you desperately need help. I hope you get it". I was puzzled beyond belief over his words! I couldn't fathom what had done or said to bring that response! Putting this and more in the context of this returning lover and other things I haven't discussed here, it all falls into place.
This is on repeat mode. I realised im not being fair to myself. My ex keeps saying im going crazy. I am the one to blame for all these insecurities, jealousy issue when i caught him texting his office wife, flirting with a married colleague. There were even photos that i seen etc. Towards the end of our relationship, when i suggested i want to seek for therapy because i was having bad panic attacks, I had to beg him to let me go for therapy. And he felt therapy is for the crazy people. Now i know he is gaslighting me. I am only crazy when with him. But im not crazy when with others.
My situation 3 years ago in a relationship with a narcissist was exactly as you described it. I felt that I was sailing in the middle of a seestorm. Finally, I could have the courage to jumpe out of the boat. After being swimming for a long time, I reached the shore and I found myself again. Thank you for making this video and help people that are being gaslighted! 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Thank you!! Healing from this is incredibly hard....physical abuse for me is actually easier I've done it and walked away and never went back. Especially when it's a family member. Really really damaging to my psyche this is legit the hardest dynamic to navigate
I have been married to a narc for 24 years. I only now, this year, understand and identify it and the hell and stollen dreams I have been living through. My mom is a narc, and this is how I figured out my spouse is too, by research and video lessons like this one.
I got out of a gaslightning relationship of 7 years. I only have one thing to say, get out as fast as you can. Everyone might use defence mechanisms for time to time but now I am talking about pure gaslightning.. I am now going to therapy, and am rediscovering myself and am being reminded that I am not crazy. Take care
I agree with him. Especially the part where you talk it out with an impartial party. I've talked it over many times just to see where I went wrong just in case so I can apologize and appreciate who you are.
I think it's important to note that not all gas lighting is evil and intentional. Some people who do it aren't even aware they are doing it. Like Matthew said, its a form of self preservation. Its up to you to gauge the situation for yourself. I think the biggest tip off is when someone is overly concerned with arguing their "intentions" over how whatever was said/done made you feel. If they love you, their number one concern should be acknowledging how you feel, not trying to prove how their words or actions weren't in the wrong.
It took me over a year to finally come across this phrase to finally realize why I felt so traumatized and stressed out over this outbreak I had with and ex-friend of mine. What I was going thru with this person ticked a lot of the boxes u provided. Them being a narcissist, made me feel like going mad, confused about and doubted everything/anyone, after that I’ve been afraid to speak my mind. The most terrifying part during the argument for me was that they’d expressed both explicitly and nonverbally that they were enjoying the fact that they are winning the argument while delighted seeing me miserable and uncomfortable when they’re gaslighting me. Made me question this person’s sanity. Hey f*ck u to this certain person I won’t say their name, cuz they probably still think they’re right. Plz be very careful when u’re making friends with narcissistic ppl who think they’re always right. Cuz if they ever stopped caring about ur feelings anymore... Let’s just say I hope u have a strong heart for that. Either walking away from them or taking them on head strong, u’ll need that
thank you, 9/10 videos on gaslighting are in terms of a man gaslighting a female. as a guy, we don't want to admit someone is doing this to us, so this video is super helpful... especially that you started off saying, we've all done it. the real thing is, do you grow up, recognize, and correct or continue the toxic behavior. thank you, Matt.
This video was immensely reassuring. I recently dealt with someone who tried to gaslight me, and looking back the way I handled it followed your steps - I got space from the conversation, spoke to a friend I trusted, and I realised the conversation left me feeling worse, seething, and stupid. The healing properties that I loved about being with him had long gone from that situation. Good to know I'm on the right track. Another fun fact; being involved with him made me buy "Get The Guy" and I broke up with him the day after I started reading it!
Thank you for putting this video out. It’s important to educate people about narcissism. I was with a malignant narcissist for 5 years. The fact that I was in so deep and now so happy is a message I try to spread. I warn people not to even bother with narcissists. Thank you for spreading the word!
Yup. I understand some of this video a lot. And its not just the men ive dated, friends, family, coworkers, bosses, etc. There are plenty of people like this and some on extreme levels. Idk how they got that way but hopefully it stops. People will continue to leave their lives and the quality of conversations and good people in their lives probably ends up really crappy over the years. Anyway. Matt. You still do it for me. Great video
a couple of weeks ago I started to question if this was what my Boss was doing. Everytime something happened that he didn't deem acceptable, he would rant and preach for hours on end, claim that I said somehting I didn't and everytime I brought up that I wasn't comfortable with something, he would flip it around and suddenly, I am the bad guy. I would feel frustrated, trapped and confused, not knowing when I went wrong and questioning my reality and my capabilities. This helped. While it is not a romantic relationship, I could identify so many signs of gaslighting in my relation with my boss. The bad part is that there is nothing besides quitting I can do, at least not that I can think of.
Either a lie or not, I see this with: "I don't remember that" or "I didn't do that" , when you called them out on their ill or less desirable behavior that you for sure remember THEM doing. Also "I didn't say that" from something they JUST said, and in their mind they said one thing, but you definitely heard them say something else and relayed it back to them. And they deny it.
MiyaMiya That's right and my counsellor does this when I mention things she said that were judgemental etc, but she does seem to have a bad memory, or doesn't listen! I'm still going to stop talking to her though, because it's not good at all. I have more than enough trouble with people in my life, let alone counsellors as well. 🙁
Even my teenage kids catch their dad in lies... He gets furious with this accusation and still sticks to his fictious story that he didn't say, whatever it was.
@@cwegner516 I actually sent my friend examples and definitions of what gsslighting means. I even took pictures of things he told me and " didn't tell me". He just ignores me to get out of trouble. My mom does that too so does my youngest sister. Why do they expect to worshiped when all they do is lie
There is a line from an old Egyptian text that says that if someone is repeatedly untruthful and psychologically abusive, insist that the conversation can't go forward without the presence of reasonably impartial witnesses.
If you have a diagnosis, you're in the mental health system and your therapist or psychiatrist gaslights you, you will never be believed. You are screwed. You are endangered. Thanks mental health system. Glad I "reached out."
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Matthew, I always appreciate your ability to acknowledge the "two-way street" scenarios of your video topics; its hard to acknowledge, but understanding that we're both producers and recipients of gaslighting in ALL of our relationships is so important. These types of conversations are even something I try to incorporate in my math classroom, because I can watch this happening in students' teenager years.
My sister did this to me my whole childhood and teen years, she was the oldest by at least 4 years, i have a learning disability. The things she did to me i didn't understand at the time but now it all makes sense and i feel disgust and sick to my stomach how my life was stolen away from me by someone that should have cared for me, i was the last in the line of the family being the youngest so no one cared enough to try and understand the problems i had to face daily with someone who controls your thoughts.
Matthew, so increadibly well phrased :-) ... and I really like your haircut :-) I experienced gaslighting with my patents, sister, exboyfriend and his children. All people which meant the world to me. When I realized it in it's full extend and the emotional abuse which came with it, I stopped contact with all of them. My world was shattered. I realized I can't move on/live while pushing them all away. Also, as Matthew said, I have done mistakes too and was disrespectful/abusive. Now we started contact gently and I make sure to let go any expectations, am thankful for any positive contact, not take anything personal and set things up they way it is healthy for me. That means limited contact in a way that is healthy for me. Right now I'm not even in the same country. It's so sad but finally I accepted reality and allow things to happen but always stay responsible and take care of my wellbeing :-)
This was well educated video, every relationship has disagreements, but the healthy ones shouldn’t result to playing the blame game and I consider that a red flag
"We’re never going to be right all the time. In fact, in our relationships, we’re going to be misguided and wrong a lot of the time. But the right relationship should have a healing property. It should make us feel more confident. It should make us feel safer, more loved." ❤ I love this... P.S. did you colored your hair into darker brown? why?the lighter shades looks good on you.
You love the quote about never being right all the time & the right relationship should have healing, feeling safe & LOVED ... then you criticize/question him for his hair color? Maybe that’s his natural hair color & he doesn’t get it lightened because of covid currently?! YOU DON’T KNOW. Why even say what you did?! CHECK YOURSELF CHICK.
I had never experienced that before until I got divorced and ended up in my first relationship after come to find out he was a sociopathic narcissist and I process very logically I'm not an emotional person which is different as a woman but because of that I could see through stuff he was doing and I had no problem calling him on it and he did not like that. Bottom line is I ended that relationship very quickly I took three and a half years to do so much research and listen to you Matthew and other dating experts so I would never fall into that trap again. Guess what it happened again but this time I caught it within a few weeks. It seems like once the love bombing starts and they think they hook you then the narcissism in the gaslighting starts. He did it to me once and that's all it took and I was out. I know those type of people are very insecure and they want to maintain control but it's just heartbreaking that there are people out there that have to stoop to that kind of level. So thank you so much for all the advice you've given me the last few years I take all of it to heart
Wanda Sexton I’m the same way. I’m able to see through the BS very quickly and to move on even if the love bombing has me slightly smitten. I’m more logical and pragmatic than emotional and I’m glad.
@@ltdodgen I have never in my life seen such dysfunction and middle-aged people you would think at that point people would know exactly what they want and need and figure out how to go about getting it and not play games like prepubescent children I mean men and women. And I've never seen so many women not value who they are that is heartbreaking for me
Bravo!! Brilliant!!! This , so far, one of the most intelligent and articulate explanations of gaslighting!!! 👏👏👏I especially like the thoughts about the truth laying down under the arguments and even more part where you are talking about trained mind and linguistic abilities of a person who gaslights us and confuses us... just to add, that that person is usually more aggressive that we are...
Beautiful great description. My husband is a pastor and I’m a nurse. We have seen this in our own families even. It’s a great explanation and we have been watching your videos... fascinating. You have picked up on a lot and relationships are always tricky, but this new world of complexity wow. You are doing such a great service to the world. Take care of yourself too.
Matthew Hussey..I respect ur good intentions.. I value ur valuable advice.. I adore ur good character.. I like ur kindness.. U r my favourite person in the world..
Gaslighting and the act of dismissing/not believing the victim has very similar effects. Makes you (victim) question your own reality and overexplain things to yourself. It’s a way of driving you crazy. It is the most horrible feeling and what to do about it? Cut them out. Cut them off. Get away from that people or group of people ASAP. You cannot change them, they’re psychopaths. SAVE YOURSELF!!
Thank you for great advice on how to notice and deal with gaslighting. Spot on about what your feelings after the conversation are. If you feel you need to record conversations to prove yourself right or them wrong it means you are a victim of gaslighting. This vicious form of psychological abuse can make you mentally ill: anxiety, depression, social anxiety and others might be a direct result of being gaslighted.
I usually ask others for their opinion when I get a really strong feeling, usually uneasiness, or reaction to a situation. So I can guage whether I've overreacted or if I'm right I'm reacting in the way I did.
I have an extremely powerful intuition about people’s character but also overthink things frequently. Because of that, I sometimes tend to *gaslight* myself about whether or not I can trust my judgments and impressions. That being said, I made the mistake of telling someone I dated for about a month that I have a tendency to overthink. Turns out that was a huge mistake, because whenever I would catch on to her antics, she would say I was overthinking, reminding me how I told her that I have a tendency to overthink. Turns out though that there was ine moment where she showed her true colors, and it was very clear that I wasn’t overthinking. She did something extremely manipulative. I feel bad that I didn’t break up in amicably and in person, but she would have convinced and guilted me to stay, as she had already done once before when I had some doubts. So I had to send her a text, block her, and say “see ya.” I feel kind of like a fool for having been with for as long as I was, but then I also feel like that I dodged a bullet by only being with her for one month.
I sincerely wish I could attend the online live event. I'm on duty each of those nights serving my country or I would be there with all of you listening intently, taking notes. Hopefully, there will be another live that jives with my schedule. Wishing you all a productive learning experience.
This awful relationship I was in I was literally losing my mind. Everyone would constantly persist they were always right and I was always wrong like 1000s of times over. I kept records everyday 2011-2023 and the other party with photographs video tape would still deny to my face with the files proving they LIED over the notebooks in my hands still would say they were right & wrong. They would act as they didn't lie & gaslight me. They would torture me in my dreams. I'M DONE!
That somersault analogy under water was real... I used to be sometimes stuck in a perpetual motion of shuffling through every possible perspective to the point of completely forgetting what I ever meant or felt.. having implanted/intrusive beliefs of my own perception and self. Exhausting. Havent felt it in a while since healing this specific trauma
It helps so much to watch this. I was in a relationship for 2 years with the girl I wanted to marry. Sadly I became the one who gaslighted her and guilt-tripped. I never knew and had any intention of more than do everything for her and make her happy. Now I am working hard to grow so I won’t do it again
Matthew. Thank you for making this video. I was with a relationship that was narcissistically abusive. I wish I’ve know what it was before it got worse. But I’m out of it and I am happier. Thank you and hopefully this video will help others.
Exactly the experience I had recently. And yes narcissists are particularly dangerous because they are usually very intelligent, charming and experienced in fighting their point. This particular one had a very sneaky tactics, what they call “transference” in psychology. She’d do things like gaslighting or blame shifting and tell me that I am doing them or I would do them at some point in the future.. Recovery is tough process but yes people around you can really help with grounded views and I also found my awareness of my own feelings and instincts to be an indicator. When I lost touch with the truth, I felt something was going on. I just couldn’t say what but I knew I was being played and manipulated in some way.
I appreciate this video a lot, not only for its content but because it’s not applicable strictly to romantic relationships. I’m dealing with this with family right now.
It’s the worst. When you feel like you need to wear a body cam to record interactions, you’re being gaslighted.
I swear, even with video proof, a narcissist would deny everything
You are not kidding.
I relate man, my parents...I sometimes have to over explain everything which I came yo find out later is a gaslighting trauma response am reacting to
Damn.got tears in my eyes
👍🏻
"The right relationship should have a healing property"
Facts
I love this so much!
Amén!
I needed this comment today! Thank you.
This comment really helped me
I just ended a relationship with a narcissist, gaslighting was one of the reasons why I couldn't stay. I felt crazy, I felt depressed, I felt small. I'm happy it's over and I'm slowly getting back to normal
Hello Lil
Same as me
Same here... I was sent 7 different potential mental illnesses diagnosed by my former partner. The thing is I WROTE out my thoughts clearly- and stated " We are done here, Go F*ck your self. " I will never be with someone who is trying to diagnose me with out an MD or PhD associated with their name. I warned my partner that if I received the same treatment his best mate imposes on his spouse (which is constantly saying she -friend's spouse - is crazy). The moment this occurred.... I said Bye Felicia!
It’s demonic
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Craziest part is that sometimes it's our own families doing that to us.
Precisely!
@Makeup Minion That's exactly right and BOTH of my parents and other family members and their so-called friends were extremely narcissistic when I was a child, so I didn't stand a chance! In fact, my childhood was horrendous and all my relationships have been with narcissistic, or much worse, men and even female friends. Mind you, I've had huge issues as well, but I've been doing healing work for many years. I definitely have empathy and compassion for people and animals too. I believe that narcissism etc is mainly caused by trauma though, which can be verified with my family history. ❤
My horrible father used to do it to me a lot. I’m glad I cut him off.
yes just now
Yes my sister is doing it to me and trying to turn the rest of my family against me. Meanest thing someone has done to me
Yes! He lied repeatedly then made me feel crazy for questioning him, though my intuition told me things were off.
So glad I left him.
So sorry about that Tara, it can be very frustrating having to deal with liars
Hello Tara
Same here!
Happy you left! God bless you
My ex in a nutshell :/
When you bring up that you don’t like the constant “joking” insults and ask for it to stop:
“You’re just too sensitive.”
“Everyone else thinks it’s funny.”
“I wish you would insult me back - we can enjoy it together.” (Brain washing to be awful like them)
“I didn’t mean it that way. You know that, so why bring it up?”
“You just don’t get me. You should try harder to understand why I’m funny.”
“You need to laugh more - laughing at yourself is good for you.”
Gaslighting is dangerous, because in response to a reasonable request, you get answers that sound kind of plausible and make you forget the reasonable thing you were asking for in the first place.
But it’s the feeling of not being able to get your message through - hold on to that. If you try to reasonably ask for something to stop and you get blown off no matter what you say, that’s the red flag.
Some times people around you will point out it’s messed up. But sometimes people around you don’t understand or are also gaslighting - so you have to use your own sense. If possible, reach out and try to find wise people who don’t behave that way.
After trying to calmly communicate that being called a "pig" is not funny, he countered with, "Look, for me its a joke. If you feel hurt, that's on you. Maybe you should stop taking things too personally". When he joked again and I'm explaining myself, again, he would react with, "I don't think this is even worth talking about." He then pretends as if nothing ever happened. It's such a heavy burden on both my emotions and my sanity.
@@rexie1282 run, and don’t look back! Run!
@@rexie1282 i get you, its head spinning, they drop a bomb then scarper, leaving you reeling and often blaming yourself. Because they look so bright and breezy as they do it. And we look like neurotic wrecks. It really chips away at you until you become entirely dependent on their reality, and have no sense of your own.
Alot of these statements aren't gaslighting. So much depends on context and frequency. Above all its how it leaves you feeling. If you're confused, overwhelmed, doubt yourself then its gaslights.
its almost like you took it right from the mouth of my specific abuser.
"The right relationship should have a healing property. It should make us feel more confident; it should make us feel safer, more loved. It should engender a style of communication that compassionately helps us understand and navigate where we may be wrong and lovingly acknowledges where we are right." Love this.
Acknowledging our own toxicity is so key in having healthy relationships
I was married to a Narcissist for 5 years and it leaves you so drained out thinking and over thinking every situation. What to say and what not to say ... it’s exhausting to be with this kind of sociopath !
Exactly... been there, done that. Trying to avoid that scenario ever again!
I went through this yesterday. I’m still getting over it. I really had to talk myself out of his bullshit and into the truth.
Same
Same here
me too girl
It's even more painful & dangerous when it comes from a parent. After the recent passing of my father, my mother's gaslighting became evident & vicious towards me & my sisters, we came to realize, that we grow up with it, normalizing it, and that it affected our lives permanently. The road to healing seems so hard at this point, but at least now we see it.
Same with my dad, it's rough to recover but the hardest part really is just seeing the truth & identifying the patterns. I & my sister are sharing space with him now during COVID & the gaslighting & emotional abuse has just escalated, but because of that we've learned to be more empowered in enforcing healthy boundaries & affirming the true realities of situations. He may never change, but we have and continue that commitment to. I wish the best for you and your sisters, much love & light as you navigate this tricky situation. xo
Same thing happened after my dad passed in 2014. My mom began the overt gaslighting.. I never knew what she was doing had a name until about 2019..I also realized it’s other people telling her to act that way (religious people & family) , very weird and psychotic. I keep telling her I’m gonna need so much therapy bcuz of what she continues to do. She tells me all I need to do is pray. Which is more gaslighting
I grew up with this from my mother as well. Much guilt tripping, shaming and fear mongering was done, all “in the name of” faith and salvation. I’m 27, and only recently gave myself permission to pursue my life as I see fit. And more importantly, to be gracious and forgiving with myself when I make mistakes; not default to those {“I told you so” - mother} thoughts and give in to doubt. I had to (and continue to) do A LOT of inner work before I started being more brave to do the outer work. It wasn’t pretty; it was like opening a can of worms with all the built up resentment. But it’s liberating and empowering to watch myself slowly come out the other side. The articles and newsletters by Karen CL Anderson (specialised in difficult mother-daughter relationships) helped me tremendously. I hope her work can help you and your sisters too ☺️❤️
@@mayeighteen2812 exactly like "opening a can of worms", that's the exact feeling.
Exactly.. ❤
Narcs never listen to the feelings of people they negatively impact. Never.
Yup. They don't care and talking about it just makes them more empowered.
That is so true but it is utterly heartbreaking that there are people out there like that. As time goes on and trying to date it is mind-blowing how many people men and women show narcissistic tendencies but they never want you to call them on it
Narcs are not capable of this, so don’t ever feel bad about hurting their feelings
Such people are poison.
C Wagner... thank you for that. He always tells me “That’s how you feel doesn’t mean it’s true”
Step 1: Get some space from the conversation that’s happening.
Step 2: Have conversation with people you trust, who have no agenda.
Step 3: Pay attention to your feelings.
GOT IT!!! 👍
If you have an icky feeling either during or immediately after a conversation, you were just being manipulated in some way by the other person. Step back & decide what boundaries you're going to set with that person going forward. You can't control their manipulative behavior, but you can control how you respond to it.
I think this is the perspective I needed to hear
I once found myself in that kind of a situation. Am I so glad I got out.
Same here.
O
What if I gaslight other people and dont know im doing it? Ive been accused of gaslighting and might be. There has been no info anywhere on how to not do that. Just info on how to deal with being gaslighted.
So hard to not be loyal. But I should only be loyal to people who are loyal and good to me
He would say to me, "You're remembering wrong" and I would really question my own memory of what happened. Thanks for taking on the topic of the behavior and tactics of Narcissists they target people looking for real love. They use it against us.
demonic garbage taught at freemason lodges and eastern star its demons working thru person all from sin and curses 17 daise channel
My bf did this so many fucking times and even tried to confuse the conversation to manipulate the issue into me being "crazy" and that he didn't do anything wrong.
I knew I wasn't crazy. It got so bad that I had to stop addressing issues out of fear of this happening every time. Got out of that relationship, thankfully. Thank you for posting this video✌
Exactly where I'm at right now!!!
Like you don't want me to talk about issues,then fix them!
Don't call ME crazy because I can't just ignore stuff that obviously affect me, affect us
Like make it make sense
Right there
17 daise figued it out on channel
Gaslighting: the definition of my soon to be ex-husband's interaction with me during our 6 years together. Only those of us who have been through it know what it can do to us on a psychological level and how bad it can scar us. I'm so glad and grateful and lucky to have had support from my loved ones, to have finally found clarity and had the strength to walk away, and to have found such an amazing therapist which was crucial to my healing process. To anyone out there who have gone through or are going through the same: you are not alone and you are not crazy. Please know that there is a way out, I've been there, I promise you there is even though it may not seem like it right now. Do yourself a favor and seek support from either loved ones whose opinions you trust (as Matthew Hussey says here) and look for a great therapist (just like any professional, there are good therapists, and not so good ones, so be sure to choose a really good one -- we're talking about your mental health). It'll make all the difference and give you some clarity on what you should do. Be strong, you'll be okay and you deserve to be happy. 💕
Thank you. Going through the similar thing with my soon to be ex-husband, any details on good therapist please (as most of them are even doing online therapy these days)
@@jbashsharma4947 My therapist's name is Dr. Sa, she's located in Framingham, MA, USA. You'll find her easily on Google, the name of her practice is One World Mental Health. I know she focuses on Latino and Brazilian patients (I'm Brazilian). But it's still worth reaching out even if you aren't, just in case. If not, don't get discouraged, keep looking for a great therapist until you find one, (you'll know it once you've found a good one) it makes ALL the difference. Sending you good vibes, energy and positivity. May you overcome this period sooner rather than later and find peace. 💕
Ingrid Rabay thank you soo so much 💓
I’m so glad I read your comment. I just had a very bad gaslighted conversation with my husb.
go deep its not the prideful person its the demons manifesting thru them reason stuff they do seems super natural all taught to them by your local freemason lodge aka witchcraft 17 daise channel explains
To anyone who is in the beginning stages of trying to leave that horrible relationship, congratulations. You may not see the sun shining on the other side just yet but you've truly opened the door to a wonderful, new life. God bless you!
Your articulation in this video has just validated every “gaslightee” who has felt frustrated, defeated, and unable to articulate their own feelings towards their gaslighter. Thank you for this! I feel lighter inside
I walked right up to my gaslighters start talking hey whats up hows lucifer treating you paying you good on disability all the gaslighters are satanist when you have problem with one this is how they attack mentally you soon discover its super natural by way things go down 17 daise channel explains
I remember seeing this guy and then finding out from someone that I'm his side chick 😳
I confronted him. But all I got from him was a silence treatment and him going out of his way trying to find out who told me these things.
It was driving me absolutely crazy and I started to believe that maybe I'm just being unreasonable and that he does love me, and that he's not a liar 🤣😁🤣🤣
I'm laughing now, but back then it really hurt.
Like this if you ever ignored your inner voice. Your intuition. It's there for a reason. Tune into your intuition and your feelings 💜
Sorry you went through that. He used the silent treatment to "punish" you and make you look like the crazy one.. classic gaslighting. Glad you're laughing now though and hope you found a better partner!
Was the guy very attractive?
@Billy But Whole explain the silent treatment then. Why ignore someone if they're just asking a question and you're actually innocent? He should have reassured her or at least answered the question but instead he ignored her and left her to question whether she was right to ask at all.
@@SuperMurray2009 that really doesn't matter, does it? Gaslighting is gaslighting no matter how attractive the person is.
Trust your instinks. I didn't and caused me a lot of pain. I am 58 yrs old now. Thank God for the last 2 years I figured it out. But wish someone would have told me sooner.
Gaslighting makes me feel like i can’t trust anyone anymore and caused a huge damage to my social life
My last relationship (broke up with him months ago) and it wasn’t until the end of that relationship that I realized I was being gaslighted on a very painful consistent unhealthy abusive basis. Thank you for making a video on this and bringing light to it.
its demonic 17 daise channel
BOOM! you're timing is unnatural this am....if you only knew how I needed this exactly right this moment....thank you
Same here. Matthew you are a soul rescuer 😲🕊️ in midst of a gut-wrenching pandemic that pushes the worst forth in dating the inappropriate ones.
No more insane Retraumatized pain body!
He seems to be so connected with our collective unconscious! ❤️ I love it! I also struging with gaslighters on my life, really needed it. Thank you Matthew I love yoooouu
Hey how are you?
I wish I had seen this in 2014. I could have walked away from a real psychopath who used me and abused my nature. He eventually destroyed my self esteem and confidence when I was on top of my life. I wish I had listened to my best friend about her warnings about him. I wish I paid attention to my gut instincts that he did not care about me; always felt worse after interacting with him. Those 3 steps would have saved me years of pain.
Shark Bait same
same here
Same here.😔
Just forgive yourself and know that you don’t have to be in that situation ever again if you don’t want to be 😇💖✌🏻
@@KatErina-ii6ru I found Matthew Hussey as a result of the guy's treatment (and a few others after). So, Matthew basically saved my life and gave me the knowledge to build myself back up stronger.
If you find yourself doubting the reality the other person is trying to feed you into, or your friends say something along the lines of "that's a horrible thing to say/do to you", you might be gaslighted. If our own self-esteem is low, you might not even notice that yourself
For me, I noticed it straight away
The only problem was that I was too in love to let go
Yes my sister made me feel like I was so crazy growing up . She always sucked the life out of me . Being around her was so tiring
its demonic 17 daise channel
I had someone put me down and even say sadly I don’t think you live in the real world. Put me down often
Thank god this person isn’t in my life
Selfish controlling manipulative and dismissive.
There was no safety my needs weren’t met when I explained what I needed.
I trusted my gut and ran.
Great video
I was so unhappy.
Just walk away and block, people like that aren’t worth your time.
The hardest part is finding the supportive people. Because those closest to us are the gaslighters.
true lucifer uses ones close so they know all your moves and things to trigger you all tactics learned from those great guys and women at you local masonic lodge eastern star organization and you thought they were charities 17 daise channel shows all these nice people
This has happened to me at work places, too many dysfunctional bosses or co-workers. I am no longer able to work, I´ve fibromyalgia and sleep apnea, but I am happier than ever despite of pains and fatigue. I am free to live my kind of life. My days are full and emotionally satisfying: house chores and chatting with friends, reading, sewing, drawing and learning every day something new.
Dear Matthew, ur the therapist of every lady. Thanks for existing.
4:59 - 6:40
Step 3: Pay attention to your feelings.
Thank you for this Matthew. 💗
I didn’t reflect on this piece of communication before. I can fully let my relationship with my ex go now.
You know you are being gaslighted when you know yourself and you end up saying to yourself I know I am not crazy 😜
Wow!!!
I have been here so many times
17 daise channel explains why it starts
Facts
Exactly. Happened just today... my God!!!
I was with someone who would gaslight me, and I wouldn't realize it. I stayed with him for 7 years before I realized and decided I didn't want to be manipulated anymore. I'm now with someone who I can tell and call out when he's unintentionally using tactics to dismiss me. After I tell him how he's trying to make me feel like my reasoning or emotions aren't valid, he apologizes.
Oni219 It's great about your new partner, but I hope he can learn to stop doing it eventually, or not as much! I did counselling courses many years ago, then noticed that most people don't validate others feelings though, because a lot of parents and teachers don't model it. Another point is that so many people used to grow up watching TV where put downs are a normal part of relating, especially in comedies. 😥
@Oni219 , I don't want to badmouth your current relationship, but the constant apologies can also be a tactic. I just wanted to make you aware of that.
@Oni219: I wish you every happiness!
You give me hope. Thank you... i know there are good people out there but i have gotten so used to the type of people who just dont apologise and take responsability for their actions...
Wow
When will I have this 😭
If you get into relationships with people that gaslight you, then chances are your parent/s gaslit you growing up and you're so used to it that you can't identify when it's happening. Work on your own wounds from childhood and you'll be less likely to be attracted to people who have a tendency to be like this.
Sorry, but that inaccurate. I had an awesome family and a wonderful childhood. I was with a narcissist for 24 years. I experienced verbal, physical, mental, emotional and financial abuse. They manipulate you every moment of every day and wear down any self confidence you ever had.
@@Tasty4339 why did you stay with him for 24 years?
@@pixxie__ because he manipulated me into thinking I was such a piece of sh*t and no one else would ever want me. I also did not believe in divorce.
If you've never been in a relationship with a narcissist you will never understand the intricacies of it. And I hope you never do. It's very insensitive to ask a victim of abuse that question.
@@Tasty4339 I've been with a narcissist before, I do know the impact they can have. It was just a question of curiosity as to what made you stay, that's all. No judgment here.
@@pixxie__ BS you where judging, trying to say someone who stays with narcissist for 24 yrs is b/c their parents were narcissist too, so now its all the victim's fault.
Being gaslighted really messes with the psyche for the long term, on a so many levels.
I finally got out from toxic relationship that sprinkled with gaslighting here and there❤️
Thank you for helping women recognize the dangers of narcissism. I lived with one for 18 years and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’ve been free for the last three years, the best three years of my life! Strong, independent, and loving life. Keep up the great content you are helping others in a profound way.
I have news for you. Women can absolutely be narcs as well.
The most dangerous thing is when we are gaslighting ourselves.
How do we do that? Please anyone shed some light. Please give me an example.
@@karoline8524 This is more detail about gaslighting from psychological term, forward to 13:50 for explanation about "gaslighting yourself"
m.ua-cam.com/video/bVBdWSPXyRw/v-deo.html
me. please stop me.
@@karoline8524 if u convince yourself it's wrong even though u r right in some other view morally but u make your mind that you are wrong and not that good in making decisions but it do work in real life and you just cheat your mind and questioning your capability and this automatically makes a low esteem inside us and also damaging our own character sometimes.
The only solution for this is having a self love and also having idea of our own emotions and also morally right things
Thank you, I started seeing a guy & didn't realize this is what he was doing. I called him out on it & he told me I was losing it, ended it with him & never felt better.
Came here to say... you are strong
Mathew's voice is so calming . Its such a good experience to hear his heart out each time he puts up something .
I relate a lot to this video . I choose to become someone who loves, warm and cares deeply about people.
I never wanted to become the person who really broke my heart my faith my esteem.
I chose the opposite. It changed my life for the best.
And in that process i found my best friend too.
I hope you heal and become a kinder, warmer, stronger and a happy human being ❤️
Anyone going through this I am so sorry. It’s feels horrible.
Talking about gaslighting is so important. Talking about how a lot of women are constantly made to feel crazy is important. And talking about how we can all act manipulative sometimes but you need to pay attention to the pattern is even more important. This video hits the nail on the head and all that in just a few minutes.
Everything from projection and deflection to hiding my glasses, my keys, and accusing me of being "forgetful" then miraculously finding them after I've felt stressed all day. I left after 4 yrs of this. Its true that the worst thing is knowing that this behavior is intentional.
I loved this message, Matthew. There is way too many narcissists out there and women should be prepare to recognize some early signs that a relationship may become toxic.
research future husbands see what there involved in 17 daise channel also what own family does in secret
And men too Marina :/
You are the architect of your own reality. If you’re looking at the beams and walls and telling yourself, “Wait, I know this just isn’t true,” then the gaslight might be on.
Facts. And our strength in the knowing should also lead us to persistently keep believing in Love and Equity-Equality.
People are damaged to some degree. They throw up their suppressed hurting insecurity-emotions.
Strong humane persons are heart-driven and sober.
@@equalitarianbiologist2327 :c true
@@equalitarianbiologist2327 Yep!
Wow that was pretty profound that quote I loved it
@@wandasexton643 Thanks!
Parts of my family did this to me and I cut them all out.... just because someone is family doesn't mean they're not manipulative, toxic gaslighters
17 daise channel
Good relationships have a healing feeling involved. Thank you.
Thank you for this!
For so long this was a major issue for me. I haven’t felt seen and understood in such a long time, that I don’t know what to do anymore when someone does.
17 daise channel things behind it all
Thank you Matthew. People need to hear this. I was in 11mnth relationship with someone like that last year. One of my friends told me Im under a spell, and now after being free from him, I realise that is actually how it feels. Only after the brakeup I realise he is kinda of a narsisst too. I am left with over 200,000 rands (RSA) debt and things he stole from me, which at that point I thought was a good thing for both of us. It came to light he cheated on another woman with me. He has a gambling problem. And even when he was confronted with all this he denied everything! He lied so much when caught, but worse he made me out to be the bad one. Told her and everyone how ugly I am, and he never wanted to be with me, that I stalked him and I didnt want to let him go and so on. All lies! There were many times I showed him the door and he begged to come back. I am just glad I am free now, and learned a valuable good lesson.
His behaviour after you dumped him is typical of a narcissist.
I learned the hard way about gaslighting and you're correct, you have no idea it's happening if it's done effectively. ... I remember feeling like I couldn't trust my own memories, perception...and eventually I felt like I was a bad person....the man I was with was a pro at gaslighting. Luckily, I had my sister to help me and to talk with. Leaving that guy was sooo difficult. 6 years later, I feel that I learned valuable lessons. Yes the relationship took a toll on me emotionally (I lived with an unhealthy guy for 4 years); however, I feel our experiences (no matter how bad) can help us learn and grow and become a better version of ourselves. I am definitely more observant when I am in a relationship. 😁🏵️
Just Had that today. "Its your Fault but im Not going to Tell what you did wrong because you should Know"
I like how you included all the possibilities... Especially, the fact that every one of us may have questioned someone else's sense of reality at some point- knowingly or unknowingly. Probably we call it gaslighting only when it's done intentionally.
Most BRILLIANT and HONEST conversation on this topic I have ever seen. Congratulations and thank you!
I experienced it so badly that I nearly wasn't here in 2019. I went through it with family long before I knew what it meant & I panicked thinking maybe I was ill, that I unknowingly had a multiple personality disorder & then I went through it in my job & it was there that I lost complete trust in everything & everyone, thinking I was absolutely crazy. I couldn't even trust myself & it took me down this dark path that almost ended me. I am now dealing with gaslighting again at work & this time due to learning from the past, I called the person out. She went crazy at me, but I stood my ground. My sanity is more important than my job & therefore I can leave. She will be worse off if I walk out, not me. I've been through bigger struggles. So I'm going to give my job one more chance & if it carries on, I'm out. No-one will ever make me feel this way again
I'm at least happy that after so much gashlighting in my life, i can finally recognize it from miles away
He is one of those rare creators who are thriving during this pandemic. By that I mean his content is continuing to improve...
This is one of the most constructive and balanced video on gaslighting I have watched. Thank you.
Matthew, thank you for this video! I have often wondered why dating coaches don't talk about toxic dating situations. Mine includes a man, from over three years ago, with whom I was smitten. My intuition says he was gaslighting me. Even though I know what this is, I never named it this way, until I watched this video! Even yesterday, I was getting a more whole picture of what my intuition tells me was going on, which is because of his son getting put in jail, he fell back into relationship with his former live-in fiancee, whom his daughter called "grandma" on a FB photo with his grandchildren. Some months after he said he didn't have time for a relationship because of his son, saying we could be friends, we continued to talk in the store where he worked. In the light of gaslighting, his actions and words make more sense, including trying to keep me on the back burner, in case she left him again. For example, some months later, some of his words in a horrible text he sent me in response to the first text I ever sent him, were "you are a nut job...you desperately need help. I hope you get it". I was puzzled beyond belief over his words! I couldn't fathom what had done or said to bring that response! Putting this and more in the context of this returning lover and other things I haven't discussed here, it all falls into place.
This is on repeat mode. I realised im not being fair to myself. My ex keeps saying im going crazy. I am the one to blame for all these insecurities, jealousy issue when i caught him texting his office wife, flirting with a married colleague. There were even photos that i seen etc. Towards the end of our relationship, when i suggested i want to seek for therapy because i was having bad panic attacks, I had to beg him to let me go for therapy. And he felt therapy is for the crazy people. Now i know he is gaslighting me. I am only crazy when with him. But im not crazy when with others.
My situation 3 years ago in a relationship with a narcissist was exactly as you described it. I felt that I was sailing in the middle of a seestorm. Finally, I could have the courage to jumpe out of the boat. After being swimming for a long time, I reached the shore and I found myself again. Thank you for making this video and help people that are being gaslighted! 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
17 daise channel women get into bad situations there only looking at outward appearance
Thank you!! Healing from this is incredibly hard....physical abuse for me is actually easier I've done it and walked away and never went back. Especially when it's a family member. Really really damaging to my psyche this is legit the hardest dynamic to navigate
I have been married to a narc for 24 years. I only now, this year, understand and identify it and the hell and stollen dreams I have been living through. My mom is a narc, and this is how I figured out my spouse is too, by research and video lessons like this one.
I got out of a gaslightning relationship of 7 years. I only have one thing to say, get out as fast as you can. Everyone might use defence mechanisms for time to time but now I am talking about pure gaslightning.. I am now going to therapy, and am rediscovering myself and am being reminded that I am not crazy. Take care
I agree with him. Especially the part where you talk it out with an impartial party. I've talked it over many times just to see where I went wrong just in case so I can apologize and appreciate who you are.
The wave analogy is so perfect to exactly what it feels like.
I think it's important to note that not all gas lighting is evil and intentional. Some people who do it aren't even aware they are doing it. Like Matthew said, its a form of self preservation. Its up to you to gauge the situation for yourself. I think the biggest tip off is when someone is overly concerned with arguing their "intentions" over how whatever was said/done made you feel. If they love you, their number one concern should be acknowledging how you feel, not trying to prove how their words or actions weren't in the wrong.
It took me over a year to finally come across this phrase to finally realize why I felt so traumatized and stressed out over this outbreak I had with and ex-friend of mine. What I was going thru with this person ticked a lot of the boxes u provided. Them being a narcissist, made me feel like going mad, confused about and doubted everything/anyone, after that I’ve been afraid to speak my mind. The most terrifying part during the argument for me was that they’d expressed both explicitly and nonverbally that they were enjoying the fact that they are winning the argument while delighted seeing me miserable and uncomfortable when they’re gaslighting me. Made me question this person’s sanity. Hey f*ck u to this certain person I won’t say their name, cuz they probably still think they’re right.
Plz be very careful when u’re making friends with narcissistic ppl who think they’re always right. Cuz if they ever stopped caring about ur feelings anymore... Let’s just say I hope u have a strong heart for that. Either walking away from them or taking them on head strong, u’ll need that
thank you, 9/10 videos on gaslighting are in terms of a man gaslighting a female. as a guy, we don't want to admit someone is doing this to us, so this video is super helpful... especially that you started off saying, we've all done it. the real thing is, do you grow up, recognize, and correct or continue the toxic behavior. thank you, Matt.
This video was immensely reassuring. I recently dealt with someone who tried to gaslight me, and looking back the way I handled it followed your steps - I got space from the conversation, spoke to a friend I trusted, and I realised the conversation left me feeling worse, seething, and stupid. The healing properties that I loved about being with him had long gone from that situation. Good to know I'm on the right track.
Another fun fact; being involved with him made me buy "Get The Guy" and I broke up with him the day after I started reading it!
Thank you for putting this video out. It’s important to educate people about narcissism. I was with a malignant narcissist for 5 years. The fact that I was in so deep and now so happy is a message I try to spread. I warn people not to even bother with narcissists. Thank you for spreading the word!
narcissists aka freemasons channel daise 17
Yup. I understand some of this video a lot. And its not just the men ive dated, friends, family, coworkers, bosses, etc. There are plenty of people like this and some on extreme levels. Idk how they got that way but hopefully it stops. People will continue to leave their lives and the quality of conversations and good people in their lives probably ends up really crappy over the years. Anyway. Matt. You still do it for me. Great video
a couple of weeks ago I started to question if this was what my Boss was doing. Everytime something happened that he didn't deem acceptable, he would rant and preach for hours on end, claim that I said somehting I didn't and everytime I brought up that I wasn't comfortable with something, he would flip it around and suddenly, I am the bad guy. I would feel frustrated, trapped and confused, not knowing when I went wrong and questioning my reality and my capabilities. This helped. While it is not a romantic relationship, I could identify so many signs of gaslighting in my relation with my boss. The bad part is that there is nothing besides quitting I can do, at least not that I can think of.
Either a lie or not, I see this with:
"I don't remember that" or "I didn't do that" , when you called them out on their ill or less desirable behavior that you for sure remember THEM doing.
Also "I didn't say that" from something they JUST said, and in their mind they said one thing, but you definitely heard them say something else and relayed it back to them. And they deny it.
MiyaMiya That's right and my counsellor does this when I mention things she said that were judgemental etc, but she does seem to have a bad memory, or doesn't listen! I'm still going to stop talking to her though, because it's not good at all. I have more than enough trouble with people in my life, let alone counsellors as well. 🙁
Yes. The narc with impeccable memory skills will get amnesia about their gaslighting.
My best friend says this all the time it drives my nerves.
Even my teenage kids catch their dad in lies... He gets furious with this accusation and still sticks to his fictious story that he didn't say, whatever it was.
@@cwegner516 I actually sent my friend examples and definitions of what gsslighting means. I even took pictures of things he told me and " didn't tell me". He just ignores me to get out of trouble.
My mom does that too so does my youngest sister. Why do they expect to worshiped when all they do is lie
There is a line from an old Egyptian text that says that if someone is repeatedly untruthful and psychologically abusive, insist that the conversation can't go forward without the presence of reasonably impartial witnesses.
If you have a diagnosis, you're in the mental health system and your therapist or psychiatrist gaslights you, you will never be believed. You are screwed. You are endangered.
Thanks mental health system. Glad I "reached out."
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Matthew, I always appreciate your ability to acknowledge the "two-way street" scenarios of your video topics; its hard to acknowledge, but understanding that we're both producers and recipients of gaslighting in ALL of our relationships is so important. These types of conversations are even something I try to incorporate in my math classroom, because I can watch this happening in students' teenager years.
My sister did this to me my whole childhood and teen years, she was the oldest by at least 4 years, i have a learning disability. The things she did to me i didn't understand at the time but now it all makes sense and i feel disgust and sick to my stomach how my life was stolen away from me by someone that should have cared for me, i was the last in the line of the family being the youngest so no one cared enough to try and understand the problems i had to face daily with someone who controls your thoughts.
Matthew, so increadibly well phrased :-) ... and I really like your haircut :-)
I experienced gaslighting with my patents, sister, exboyfriend and his children. All people which meant the world to me. When I realized it in it's full extend and the emotional abuse which came with it, I stopped contact with all of them. My world was shattered. I realized I can't move on/live while pushing them all away. Also, as Matthew said, I have done mistakes too and was disrespectful/abusive. Now we started contact gently and I make sure to let go any expectations, am thankful for any positive contact, not take anything personal and set things up they way it is healthy for me. That means limited contact in a way that is healthy for me. Right now I'm not even in the same country. It's so sad but finally I accepted reality and allow things to happen but always stay responsible and take care of my wellbeing :-)
Good for you!
What a beautifully gracious yet direct discussion of such a complex issue. Thank you for this video and the insights that you shared!
Gosh, thank you; I did not know until now, it is a feeling of being cornered and choking at the same time!
This was well educated video, every relationship has disagreements, but the healthy ones shouldn’t result to playing the blame game and I consider that a red flag
I have been gas lighted few times but I set myself free now.
"We’re never going to be right all the time. In fact, in our relationships, we’re going to be misguided and wrong a lot of the time. But the right relationship should have a healing property. It should make us feel more confident. It should make us feel safer, more loved." ❤ I love this...
P.S. did you colored your hair into darker brown? why?the lighter shades looks good on you.
You love the quote about never being right all the time & the right relationship should have healing, feeling safe & LOVED ... then you criticize/question him for his hair color? Maybe that’s his natural hair color & he doesn’t get it lightened because of covid currently?! YOU DON’T KNOW.
Why even say what you did?!
CHECK YOURSELF CHICK.
I like the darker look!
@@lmariecarroll hahaha on point
I had never experienced that before until I got divorced and ended up in my first relationship after come to find out he was a sociopathic narcissist and I process very logically I'm not an emotional person which is different as a woman but because of that I could see through stuff he was doing and I had no problem calling him on it and he did not like that. Bottom line is I ended that relationship very quickly I took three and a half years to do so much research and listen to you Matthew and other dating experts so I would never fall into that trap again. Guess what it happened again but this time I caught it within a few weeks. It seems like once the love bombing starts and they think they hook you then the narcissism in the gaslighting starts. He did it to me once and that's all it took and I was out. I know those type of people are very insecure and they want to maintain control but it's just heartbreaking that there are people out there that have to stoop to that kind of level. So thank you so much for all the advice you've given me the last few years I take all of it to heart
Wanda Sexton I’m the same way. I’m able to see through the BS very quickly and to move on even if the love bombing has me slightly smitten. I’m more logical and pragmatic than emotional and I’m glad.
@@ltdodgen I have never in my life seen such dysfunction and middle-aged people you would think at that point people would know exactly what they want and need and figure out how to go about getting it and not play games like prepubescent children I mean men and women. And I've never seen so many women not value who they are that is heartbreaking for me
Bravo!! Brilliant!!! This , so far, one of the most intelligent and articulate explanations of gaslighting!!! 👏👏👏I especially like the thoughts about the truth laying down under the arguments and even more part where you are talking about trained mind and linguistic abilities of a person who gaslights us and confuses us... just to add, that that person is usually more aggressive that we are...
Beautiful great description. My husband is a pastor and I’m a nurse. We have seen this in our own families even. It’s a great explanation and we have been watching your videos... fascinating. You have picked up on a lot and relationships are always tricky, but this new world of complexity wow. You are doing such a great service to the world. Take care of yourself too.
Matthew Hussey..I respect ur good intentions..
I value ur valuable advice..
I adore ur good character..
I like ur kindness..
U r my favourite person in the world..
Gaslighting and the act of dismissing/not believing the victim has very similar effects. Makes you (victim) question your own reality and overexplain things to yourself. It’s a way of driving you crazy. It is the most horrible feeling and what to do about it? Cut them out. Cut them off. Get away from that people or group of people ASAP. You cannot change them, they’re psychopaths. SAVE YOURSELF!!
Thank you for great advice on how to notice and deal with gaslighting. Spot on about what your feelings after the conversation are. If you feel you need to record conversations to prove yourself right or them wrong it means you are a victim of gaslighting. This vicious form of psychological abuse can make you mentally ill: anxiety, depression, social anxiety and others might be a direct result of being gaslighted.
I usually ask others for their opinion when I get a really strong feeling, usually uneasiness, or reaction to a situation. So I can guage whether I've overreacted or if I'm right I'm reacting in the way I did.
I have an extremely powerful intuition about people’s character but also overthink things frequently. Because of that, I sometimes tend to *gaslight* myself about whether or not I can trust my judgments and impressions.
That being said, I made the mistake of telling someone I dated for about a month that I have a tendency to overthink. Turns out that was a huge mistake, because whenever I would catch on to her antics, she would say I was overthinking, reminding me how I told her that I have a tendency to overthink. Turns out though that there was ine moment where she showed her true colors, and it was very clear that I wasn’t overthinking. She did something extremely manipulative. I feel bad that I didn’t break up in amicably and in person, but she would have convinced and guilted me to stay, as she had already done once before when I had some doubts. So I had to send her a text, block her, and say “see ya.” I feel kind of like a fool for having been with for as long as I was, but then I also feel like that I dodged a bullet by only being with her for one month.
I sincerely wish I could attend the online live event. I'm on duty each of those nights serving my country or I would be there with all of you listening intently, taking notes. Hopefully, there will be another live that jives with my schedule. Wishing you all a productive learning experience.
This awful relationship I was in I was literally losing my mind. Everyone would constantly persist they were always right and I was always wrong like 1000s of times over. I kept records everyday 2011-2023 and the other party with photographs video tape would still deny to my face with the files proving they LIED over the notebooks in my hands still would say they were right & wrong. They would act as they didn't lie & gaslight me. They would torture me in my dreams. I'M DONE!
That somersault analogy under water was real... I used to be sometimes stuck in a perpetual motion of shuffling through every possible perspective to the point of completely forgetting what I ever meant or felt.. having implanted/intrusive beliefs of my own perception and self. Exhausting.
Havent felt it in a while since healing this specific trauma
It helps so much to watch this. I was in a relationship for 2 years with the girl I wanted to marry. Sadly I became the one who gaslighted her and guilt-tripped. I never knew and had any intention of more than do everything for her and make her happy. Now I am working hard to grow so I won’t do it again
I'm glad you're getting the help you need. Good luck!!
Thank you Matthew this is the best video I have seen on gaslighting, I know this will help a lot of people. Thank you for the work you do.
You're true and honest and this is rare. I so appreciate you that you built such a healthy and warm way of being. See you next week 😉
Matthew. Thank you for making this video. I was with a relationship that was narcissistically abusive. I wish I’ve know what it was before it got worse. But I’m out of it and I am happier. Thank you and hopefully this video will help others.
Exactly the experience I had recently. And yes narcissists are particularly dangerous because they are usually very intelligent, charming and experienced in fighting their point. This particular one had a very sneaky tactics, what they call “transference” in psychology. She’d do things like gaslighting or blame shifting and tell me that I am doing them or I would do them at some point in the future.. Recovery is tough process but yes people around you can really help with grounded views and I also found my awareness of my own feelings and instincts to be an indicator. When I lost touch with the truth, I felt something was going on. I just couldn’t say what but I knew I was being played and manipulated in some way.
I appreciate this video a lot, not only for its content but because it’s not applicable strictly to romantic relationships. I’m dealing with this with family right now.