yess making a list of bad behaviors and literal quotes in the notes section in my phone really helped as i was morning the loss of the dream they faked
I did the same. I felt like my memory had been wiped. So about a month ago I used keywords to search back thru our text convos and took screenshots of all the times he lashed out at me for giving insufficient supply. I turned the screenshots into a free online photo album and sent him a link to it when he asked why I was acting different. He said he didn't read it of course. But every time I need to remember, it's there for me to go back and reference. Shortly after showing him this he went quiet and still is.
Avoid induced conversation by slowly counting 1-2-3 before responding to avoid getting “hooked” into conversation or reacting. I have a few stand-by responses when needed: 1) “that’s possible” when they poke with a baiting statement, 2) shrug shoulders w/o making eye contact, and 3) don’t respond in any way-blank expression. They work like a charm. This drives the narcissist bonkers because they’re not able to get a reaction. And the beauty of it all is you don’t even have to say a thing.
Or just do what they do and change the subject. Like "did you see that guy on that weird bike?" Me: "you mean a mountain bike!?". Always something dumb to get you off the subject. I still miss that dimwit though,idk if that ever changes. I like your way of handling them also. I will try your tactics if I ever come across one of them again.
Yes. My mother goes into a frenzied word salad monologue to provoke an emotional reaction when I do this.Its bewildering to stay detached and just listen to a stream of attempts to hook me in. I find it really insulting now too. Cant believe I ve spent wo much time being fooled by such people.
I now say, 'We'll see what happens'. That way I don't drawn into an argument. For instance, 'If Trump doesn't win there will be civil war etc etc' Rather than debate hypotheticals and get drawn into the game. I just say, 'We'll see what happens'. I do get, 'I'm worried about you' which I get if I disconnect for a few days. I reply, 'Don't worry, I'm fine'.
This reminds me of a roommate I had. I'd basically avoid any engagement. We once got into a conversation that led to him asking me to let him know the things he does that I don't like. I replied, "unfortunately, you've put me in a tough place. If I tell you the things that bother me, that will give you the power to bother me. You want to know what I don't like? When you're kind and considerate, when you clean up after yourself, when you're quiet and respectful." He had such a dumb look on his face after that.
My mother is a very, very manipulative, controlling covert narcissist. When she became upset with about something that is remotely related to our local council, which I work for, she decided to address them at their regular public meeting. She never said a word to me about either the issue (which I could have explained how to resolve) or her plan to make a public statement to the council until the night before the meeting where she was on the agenda. I knew she was on the agenda weeks before the meeting because colleagues mentioned it to me. The night before, she finally told me what she going to do and why. Then, she said, "I hope you know I'm not doing this to embarrass you and I hope it doesn't reflect on you at work." No eye contact at all until I told her that I'd been working with my colleagues for 15 years, they are very accustomed to all kinds of people including relatives and friends addressing the council, and that whatever she said or does is not a reflection of me just like what I do and say is not a reflection of her. Right up until I said she and I were not reflections of each other, I saw (for the first time) that weird, sly smile of satisfaction of her face. After I said I wasn't a reflection of her, she turned her head away and had nothing at all to say. Here's the truth: if she hadn't intended to cause me some sort of negative feeling, she would have been open and honest with me about her issue and how to resolve it. Instead, she got angry and indignant, mistakenly believing the council caused some damage to her garden. She fired off several ugly, demanding emails to her representative and decided to "speak her mind" publicly, regardless of whether or how it might affect me (it didn't at all, but she didn't care whether it would). She wanted a long, emotional discussion with me on the eve of her "big show", assuming the prospect of it would cause me anxiety. Being able to say, "No worries, Mom! Oh, look at the time. I need to get home. Hope it goes well tomorrow night!" and then leave on a very pleasant note was so liberating and self-affirming I can't really describe it. It sounds like such a small, easy thing to do, but for me, it was monumental. Later, I watched the video of the meeting with her comments. She predictably rambled long past the allotted 3 minutes, talking about herself, how long she's lived in town, raised 3 children, deceased husband's career, etc., followed by her signature passive-aggressive delivery of her complaint: angry, but with a sardonic smile on her face the whole time. She got no response from the council beyond, "Thank you" and an explanation about how a utility easement works, i.e., there was nothing they could do to help her because the cable company has an easement in the alleyway to fix their cables. The whole thing perfectly illustrated her dysfunction, her intentional covert manipulation of me, and how effective it is when you can swallow every impulse to accept their invitation to "discuss" something and instead, opt out firmly but kindly.
@@eurokay4755 I get you my sister does those things all the time but I am getting better at saying no and I don't care if she keeps on calling me with any excuse.
@P This It might be important to Diane, you just dismissed her. For many people its less lonely being alone and then being with someone in a toxic relationship.
I'm extremely lonely in my relationship with a narc! I am just beginning to realize what I'm up against. I am empowering myself by watching videos like this and reading comments like yours Diane.
I💚 this... Thanks for sharing! This is my mantra now... when I start getting that Feeling of absorbing any given situation that I might find myself in...to Stop mentally and Observe it rather than Take that 💩 in. ✌️☀️
My mother (high level narcissist who is sadistic/sociopathic) is an expert at this. She uses charm to lure, provoke, manipulate, get pity, control, etc. She's is very intelligent and calculating. Dad is also (highly intelligent narc) but very quiet compared to her and not as inherently vicious. He's mean but doesn't enjoy seeing others in pain, he just looks away. Mom sought me out when I was young, to start problems that didn't exist. She made up a problem, blamed it on me, then worked herself into a outrage, then went running to dad to "tell on" me. I was a peaceful child, fearful yet sweet and innocent. She targeted me relentlessly behind closed doors, hating and constantly finding fault. I learned to hide, stay out of the house, etc. At 12, the family therapist told me the truth about my parents. I was indeed taught not to react, to stay calm when mom came at me, looking for a fight. It was scary but I learned this. I remember my knees shaking as mom raged at me, not letting her provoke a reaction. It took years for me to fully get good at this but my boundaries got stronger and my lack of reaction and unwillingness to fight back became my power. Mom looked dumb trying to argue alone, and stalked off, angry. But it worked. I hate drama and mom is all about it, so as an adult, I stay away because when she initiates contact (rarely), by phone, she wants to lure me back to being controlled or manipulated. Nope. I end the conversation quickly if she tries anything. They know this now, that I will stay gone if they try to do anything, so they show up once in awhile, being friendly but the tension is in the air. They know I have security cameras in my house and will not tolerate abuse/rage. It's come to that, but I cannot trust them after a lifetime of dealing with her highly calculating, self serving and entitled ways. Dad is similar but not as aggressive. I value my safety and keep my distance to save myself. CPTSD, anxiety, depression are hard rough, but I got high blood pressure from family stress and that was the last straw. So, staying away, high boundaries works for me. It's not what I wanted in life, I wanted a loving family, but a cordial visit from them is all I can take, once in awhile. Visiting their home is dangerous to me, they become aggressive, but in my home, I'm safe. And will kick them out if they're abusive. Boundaries.
Wow. Having a therapist that could advise you like this as a kid is so unusual. As a therapist myself, I have found it difficult to walk the razors edge of supporting the child without enraging the parent. The child will sometimes use the therapist by turning them into the villain in order to connect with their parent. Or, the parent will simply feel threatened and refuse to let the child go to therapy. I hope you’ve gotten good therapy in adulthood so you can have your own healthy loving relationships with others. Clearly you’ve found healthy ways to manage your parents.
You gotta realize your parents are loaded with demons, narcissism is a demonic stronghold. When you go to their house ➡️ that is the demons territory - you cannot win there. I'm so sorry. I would go to catholic church for free holy water in vestibule and spray all over your house before they come over and after they leave while saying Let No Negative Energies enter this house over n over.
You're a great human being. How sad your parents could not see through your noble, beautiful soul. Not a single trace of hatred, bitterness or resentment permeates your comment, and your inherent kindness shines through your analisys of your parents behaviour. What a delightful kid you must have been. How tragic they could not see it.
You are extremely wise, and it started with you having open ears to truely listen and take to heart what you were hearing from the therapist. As a child your strong stance to silently protect yourself came when the abuse you knew was hurtful, but you were confused and didn't know how to react, was brought to light and the abuse was validated as abuse. Validation is extremely important to a child or adult suffering from emotional and physical abuse. Sadly, not all people have love, compassion, and kindness within them. Mistakenly we all believe that a parent, friend, or partner is just born with these traits and would never hurtfully abuse their own child, friend, or partner - even society as a whole usually falls into this category - so family members and friends many times will throw out unjustifiable remarks that berate abusive words and actions. Putting cameras up in your home was smart. Thank you for sharing some pretty deep info of your situation. There are several dear souls that are going through the same pain that you've described at the various stages of life you've described. The quiet strength and resolve that you share is an encouraging motivator for all ages. You're being a light for many living in these situations. Once again i applaud your humility and strength. Your inner courage to stand resilent and protect yourself without any sort of violent action, but with proactive intelligence - all because you had ears that truely listened at the young age of 12. May you be blessed many times over, and may you find peace and joy in your life 💛
Three years ago, I made a small cake for my birthday. Because I was getting the silent treatment then, I put a candle on it, lit it and I went to my husband in the other room and I said "Happy birthday to me" and I blew out the candle. He looked at me, and without saying anything, turned to the TV again. Of course I cried - silently. On my next birthday, he denied that he didn't wish me a happy birthday. I left him 5 months ago, for the second time, but now for good - after 42 years of marriage. I'm almost 65 and I still cry from time to time.
I did 30 years with my covert narc. Had no idea why the cycles kept repeating, and I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt. Now, I know I was cutting him slack for his abusive childhood and I believed he had a true character that he was unable to tap into. It was ultimately wasted time and effort, except for the kids that came out of it.
Aww I’m so sorry. From one woman to another, I never felt loved either. People can be heartless and cruel. I hope you know how much God loves you!! It’s the best love anyone could feel 💕
Girl, I’m 62 and just now getting free from a narc mom. And I moved in with her two years ago to take care of her. Yes, there is exhaustion just being around them but oh how I’ve learned NOT to engage!
I am learning as much as I can about narcissism and about myself so that I have the option of being in a healthy relationship if that comes along, while in the meantime enjoying being in a healthy relationship with myself 😊
After years and years of receiving verbal abuse from my sister and of searching deep inside to find out what made me a target of it, I have FINALLY realized that it all starts when I’m courteous enough to engage in conversation with her. So now I have cut all direct conversation but because she’s my sister, I’ve told her I needed time on my own but kept e-mail open between us. Interestingly, she suddenly has nothing to talk about with me ….! and I know why…. It’s because she won’t be able to trick me with written words and pretend I said this or that when I didn’t, like she usually will do in conversation. Everything is written down and recorded in an email! It has been a very good system. My life is more peaceful now 😅
I cut out sister years ago. She tried getting me into contact again by trying to apologize, at the same time accusing me of things. I initially composed a reply, and then realized, I'm actually not interested in ANY type of contact with her, and left her without it. My peace is priceless.
I have/had a toxic sister as well and she suggested more than once that I should think about committing suicide. She couldn't understand why I wanted nothing more to do with her. Sometimes I think these people are possessed since all they do is harm.
This is what I've done, but I've tried to avoid even texting. My sister can get in a deep passive-aggressive jab in a very short rare text. The text on its face can look innocent, but if you know the history and past attacks, you can recognize the subtle hook.
It’s tempting to react because when they say something completely illogical, you (who believes anyone can understand logic) want to explain to them where they are being illogical, 1+1=2. After years of arguing, I realized that logic means nothing to them, it’s still hard for me to process
@@virtualasylum7013 My ex does the same after she left, I ponied up some support money to put her azz up in in a rental. Now I am right on time each month with the alimony. You can't put worthless pieces of paper to better use than paying a narc for your peace. Now I must stay in honor at all costs.
@@decoy2636 you are right about that....also nowadays women want to be pampered even when you are not together....alimony should be abolished...total bs...and I am a woman and feel bad for men in this greedy time we find ourselves
@@virtualasylum7013 Please don't feel sorry for me. If she had of tried just a little the rest of this life would have been spent with her. I'm blessed to be able to buy my freedom from her. No matter what she left, and wasn't gonna come back. Her keys didn't fit anyway.
Growing up with a narcissist mother was tough. Whenever we played a game, she would upend the table and splatter the game everywhere when she didn’t win, or she felt like we were making her lose. She’d then run to her room and slam the door as hard as she could.
@@alexsinclaire8894 Ugh, how hideous. I actually didn't mean my comment literally though. I meant don't engage with the general mind games of a narcissist as you'll never win as there are no rules, there is no winner and the "game" doesn't exist outside the narcissist's own mind.
@Brad Mc MVP!!! Give this guy a medal lol :D I would also like to cosign what you said about examining your own behaviors, patterns, unresolved trauma in addition to learning about their behaviors. The unhealthy empath can fall into being a "fixer" or "saver" whereas a healthy empath would probably keep maximum distance from that person. It's as much about us as it is about them. There is nothing wrong per se with a wounded empath who keeps falling for broken people, it's just misdirected love (wanting to be loved). I don't know what to do about this nothingness the user above mentioned. I'm kind of in that place too about 2 years post exit. I don't trust anyone, not even warm-hearted people who see things through rose colored glasses.
I have always called this technique of my NARC the "Bait and Switch." Sucks me into a conversation by being nice and as soon as I engage with his "bait" ...he switches to being evil! They're experts at this!
thank god ive now noticed this, im going to avoid her at all costs, she tries to buy me things and be my friend and im too nice so i engage and then everything goes downhill from there...no contact here i come😩😥😱💪
Oh yes bait with sweetness....then destroy with insults. Why can't my other family members recognise what's going on....now I'm the bad person for protecting myself....gas lighting..... Its all there in the mix. So I refuse all contact.
cpht2000 Yes..after 4 mos no contact, I won't go back and have to start all over again. I admit I used to before watching great vids like this and finding the TRUTH! Thanks for sharing!
Mine tried to suck me in a few months ago (after i "no contacted" him nearly 15 years ago) when texting to inform me of bad news about a mutual, life long friend. All of a suddend, he flips the switch and finds a way to go into full attack mode, assassinating my character and making accusations at me about how he THINKS I reacted/thought about these mutual friend's divorce over a decade ago. My first inclination, like always before, was to start drafting a text back, "correcting him"...for "the record" and defending myself. But one of the most empowering moments of my life was simply erasing that draft and discontinuing any reaction, engagement or conversation all together. Not even one more text to anounce that i was refusing to engage. Just mic drop. No fucks to give. No anger. No need to correct his "misunderstanding", misinterpretation or defend myself. I didnt give a fuck what he thought or was planning to tell others... just no fucks. So great.
Erin - yup. Give 'em 1X and you get 10X back and you have let them back in and the BS begins again. Starve them out. Give them NOTHING to go on. Let it die on the vine. Good job Erin. You have some wisdom now.
Erin Edney - Love it!! Yep, I’m in the same space. My current favorite meme is a Shakespearean man gesturing to a field and saying “Behold, the field in which I grow my fucks. Lay thine eyes upon it and thou shall see that it is barren.” 🤣💯🥳👑🥂
Dez Therrien YES, indeed! The lengths that one former best friend/flying monkey/NPD went through to isolate me from a girlfriend I date and my parents in the form of shaming me for daring to interact with them, even though I was getting something out of it-- at the end with too many hints dropped it became obvious that he was interacting with these people and using my info against me like a cop. I've no proof of this for my gut says this has to be true considering how those people dealt with me while I was confiding to him. Too much good cop bad cop timing there too. Good riddance to bad rubbish. That person is now someone I no longer deal with or call.
Wow, I think my mom's friend who was kind of my helper/care-taker did that years ago. She was also my mom's executor for when mom died but the situation wasn't working out. When I tried to take her (my mom's friend/possible narcissist) to court for something, she told my dad and my dad called me to try to get me to drop my lawyer. When that didnt' work, she went to my aunt and uncle so they would influence me to drop my lawyer. That didn't work either, but it got to where she was one of the very few people I had to talk to in town. It was hard, but I eventually was able to pull away from her influence. I did have one friend left to talk to, thank God
I'm doing better now than I was back then, thanks. Sometimes it's still hard for me because I remember how nice she was to me and mom when my mom was really sick. But when I think of those things, I just try to count my blessing @@deztherrien8700
Control us *more through emotions. That’s literally the social media algorithm and dating apps effects on our system, race to the root of the nervous system. The USA, macroscopically , is kind of a paragon of abusive narcissism.
Absolutely..... You are in control over your emotions... I always tell people..... "I'm The Boss of Me" Works like a Charm every time... They run for the Hills....... Funny thing is they tell everyone to stay away from me...... Because I am Strong...... It's Great so anyone thinking about Fucking with me has already been warned........ I Love it...... All Manipulators Stay Far.... Far..... Away from me...... They can't stand Exposure..... LOL.....LOL.....LOL....
@@witchprojekt666 The algorithm? And not by people using catch-all terms like narccissist or algorithm which gets us riled up and angry towards something? But then what's the point of even calling it out, that's an easy way to paint a scapegoat on your forehead?
@@KucheKlizmaI get what you're saying. It really annoys me when people just reflexively blame "They", "the system", "Biden", "Obama", "Trump", "the algorithm",... or suddenly anyone they dislike is a "narcissist". That said, there's some truth as far as social media and UA-cam shorts/Tik Tok. It's habit forming because it manipulates us on a targeted emotional level.
Including the media, medical professionals, church leaders, teachers, professors, bosses, etc. Every human is born with dignity. Anything or anyone that tries to diminish that dignity is a red flag. Each person gets to choose for themselves.
When you're honestly being harmed by someone you would give your life if necessary to protect them from harm will leave you for dead. You simply can't have any expectation of meeting in the middle because there is no existing common ground and after decades leaves you an ugly resentful person you don't like to see in the mirror when you shave. Knowing now I was half the blame for not kicking her to the curb decades ago when my gut feeling was to do just that helps me forgive her for leaving me and being so cruel about it. I just couldn't leave her all those years ago in the same manner. We're knowing now. I didn't protest her leaving like I have done in the past. I don't know how many times she would be packing her stuff and I would start throwing my shit in garbage bags too. She would stop to watch me as I dumped drawers full in the sacks. The first time I did that she wanted to know what I was doing and I asked her where we were moving to because I was going too. After all that if I had of known all the daily I love you with all my heart sayings were a lie I sure would have left. Hope keeps people trapped when the want change in the one they love. If I had of had a spouse that wanted me to do good there's no way to tell what the limit would have been. Its like youve been anchored fishing and forget to pull anchor when you crank up and leave for a better spot. The boat struggles but can't get on top to plane out. We stop and weigh anchor then. Why we stay in a struggle like that for decades is mind boggling. You have a relationshit with a narc, point blank. Peace comes with forgiveness and that's the ticket to ditch resentment. Peace
My mom said, "you aren't shutting your heart to me, are you?" Implying I was some, broken, heartless person. She was shifting the blame to me. Or she would sit me down and accuse me, say all kinds of messed up things about me as a person. We were Christians and she would use the Bible to threaten me. I'm only know coming to the reality of the abuse at 31 years old.
Yeah "we need to talk" "There is nothing to talk about" They say "yes there is. The way you wear your shirt untucked upsets me" Or "You are looking at the water from the wrong angle and it's an insult to me" Weird creepy conversations about random problems
Yeah! Fucking hours! Circular frustrating conversations, about the same stupid issue she came up with all over again. Her: "But I don't want to hurt you, are you sure we should meet again?" Me: ok. So let's cancel, as you wish. Her: "what? So you're saying you don't want me anymore?" YADA YADA YADA. I was always very proud of our "ability" to talk for HOURS. I was convinced it's a sign of our unbreakable bond. After the discard, I almost got lost in the Brain fog she left me with. I realized we were talking about absolutely NOTHING. Nothing substantial, except her of course. Her feelings, my feelings towards her, her her her her. Fucking nightmare.
It's TRUE. They are very controlling. When I started pushing back and saying no, that's when he started fighting with me. As long as I did what he wanted, unconsciously, he was fine.
A few years ago. I watched one of your videos on covert narcissism. I'll never forget that last sentence, which was. " I you uncover a covert narcissist. RUN! but run quietly". I did run, very quietly. Mr Rosenberg. YOU saved me from many tears of loneliness and misery. Thank you!! From Angela. From England. I would love to meet you one day.🤗💗
I unloaded everything. And I'm a f'ng real bad ass, known to hold POISON on my tongue 🐍 Lose to none (narcissistc trait?) Must've hurt like hell, those visceral words stuck in the family chat "forever". No problem. See, the coverts are the fakest of all people, seriously. Because they neurologically do not care about others(except for supply), but they have also been conditioned to be "the good child" from the beginning. Meaning outwardly they cannot go against the protocol that made them mommys favourite child. They simply have to "be good", meaning they don't dare to come at you, no matter what. But internally they ARE ON FIRE🔥👹🔥 And it's their own fault, for not being honest and sincere about their emotional life, or rather, the self-interested emotional chaos that substitutes it. Remember, suffering ends when we become totally and utterly done with it. When we decidedly choose not to suffer anymore. Narcissists don't love themselves, therefore they keep suffering and that's OK! Life teaches us, God tries us.
Yes, yes, YES!!! The biggest narc I know goes around labelling everyone else a narcissist. It's like adding insult to injury and it drives me mad. Combined with the abuse, it's making me seriously consider going NC.
My ex narcissist used to send me texts beginning, "How are you doing Ger?" If I replied, and I always did really quickly initially, I'd enquire as to how they were doing and thus would begin the veiled requests for money or help or sympathy or praise. I never expected what happened. I really loved this person, helping them out in every way possible. I cringe at the texts I sent. They've kept them. They even recorded a phone call I made to cut this whole thing off. No more allowing them to get to me.. I've blocked the narc everywhere. Now they cannot hurt me. My narcissist destroyed my name and reputation, telling everyone that I am a liar. Total destruction. However they still try to get to me because that's how they exact vengeance. Please people, be strong. Don't fall in love with a narcissist. Even if you are lonely, as I was at 55 years of age, do NOT subjugate yourself to be in someone's life if they abuse you. Bless anyone who got to read this far. 🙏✨😊
He relentlessly accused me of things I never did! But whenever I confronted him for the horrible things he was caught doing he would go into a rage! I thought I married an angel but in time I realized I was dancing with the devil!
My ex narc would accuse me of lying all the time!! He was always so paranoid and always thought I was going to cheat on him. :( he knew how upset it made me that he’d call me a liar too.
He is constantly accusing me of being unfaithful. I have never been with another man. I was a virgin when we met! I don't get where he gets his ideas from. I don't even leave the house most of the time.
@@candacecasey5634 keep watching these and Dr. Ramani’s videos and you will not only understand, you will also break free from all those unhealthy feelings he is making you feel. No need to live in confusion island anymore 👍🏻😉
This is the mantra of a diagnosed narcissist I met. He wants to be important, successful, better than anyone else... and his need for this never stop. If we could be in peace with who we are, we could be free.
How can I compete w/family member of another religion... I’m married to this persons father! My life at 82 very challenged by this person I’ll title as a Pious Narcissistic Jewish (should be) step-son. I’m a wife, caregiver, grandmother, greatgrandmother, best frien for 38 yrs to my Jewish husband... honored the Jewish tradition/religion, as a Christian. This person lost his mother at an early age. I’m distancing as much as possible... I really enjoyed your words of wisdom in this video.thank you.
My ex used my compassionate nature against me last time to draw me back in, I had to research, research, research to understand they study us ,like a lion studies its prey . You have to be wise as a serpent but gentle like a dove just like The Bible says 🙏
Oh man, the amazing euphoric feeling I had recently when I was able to avoid all my narc ex's attempts to reel me back in, induced conversation, eye contact, attention seeking attempts. I was on such a high that night realising I was finally strong and finally free. There is nothing like that feeling of standing in your power and knowing your worth!
I'm so very proud of you, Sonja! 🤗 Just don't grow stony and brittle. It's a lifetime art learning to give & take in the correct proportions, to be closed & open. Good luck in your path.
@@poetsrear yeah I've been very jaded since but I feel like I need to close down for a bit anyway, to heal. Opening again slowly but surely. Thank you!
The best defense is avoidance! Never, never, never engage them, or allow them to engage you. They will throw all sorts of bait out there, just don't fall for it!
Juliabel GA Peach I have a narcissistic friend. She comes into my house without being announced and when she gets here and I am taking a nap ( a have a 12 months old baby who wakes up during the night) she start judging me for being sleeping. She says: oh, every time I come you are sleeping. What the hell you are doing? You suppose to sleep in the night and the baby too! I never saw anything like this! And bla bla bla what should I do?
Dont give them oxygen whenever they try to make contact.When smiles don't work you can be sure aggression will follow then reverse psychology.Ignore it all or you're damned.
Cannot avoid them, either take legal action if u have money or go invisible if they are too powerful to handle... that's the kind i dealt with... too influential and powerful to get things done... pretended to be sober and dumb though.... it can freak anyone out to know that u can experience at home what 2 political rival experience in their field of work... but of different sorts...
Number Space ...Indeed ! In addition, they have to do things to purposely irritate you, in order to get you to speak to them or engage with them ! An example - blasting the TV when you are trying to read, so you will have to speak with them to "lower the volume"...and other things to irritate !
That's was my "best friend did". acted like we were gonna hang out and I would help her do a tik tok dance. Decided to got to target together and then just let loose
Same here. He does not drive but will get in a car w me & my daughter and immediately start shit. Took me a while to realize he would do it because he had me trapped.
When it's family, they will Invite you over, get you at the dinner table, then in the middle of the meal, unleash. I totally agree... no car, no house visit if it's family. Nope, never again. I subjected myself to abuse like this until our parents died. After the last parent died. I vowed to never, ever put myself in their "setting" again. It's been almost 10 years. I Love them. However these boundaries I set, I never regretted a day of doing so. Love them from a distance if their family. You will be so much happier. 😃❤☀️
There was a time my narc had me trapped in the car, degrading me, just exploding. He wouldn’t let me out of the vehicle. I literally downed an entire bottle of xans i was driven so mad. I knew it was the only way I could get out of the car. Totally unlike me, I literally just went mad. I’m ashamed now that I look back.
This might sound strange but when I began to completely imitate and model my whole personality around Spock and Vulcan behavior, I noticed that I became living kryponite to all narcissists lol
@@robinantonio8870That's really tough. As much regular self-care and emotional disconnect from the narcissist in your life as is possible can help restore inner peace to you.
@@elizabethmeyers5890 The key is to overcome each argument and insult that they bring to you. Face them all and remember that the person behind the voice is an insecure adult-child that refused to grow up whilst you are a perfectly normal and healthy person that they have corrupted. Challenge their idea of you with your knowledge of yourself. They can't know you more than you know yourself, so remember the idea of who you were, a normal and healthy person that was not what they have now made you to believe. Enter into calm and focused debate with the negative internal voice using this mindset and you will surely start to heal. Think of it like getting rid of an illness. You gotta take medicine over a period of time to heal. Some illnesses require more medicine and time than others, but the fact of the matter is that you will still heal. Take your time and overcome each insult or accusation that they bring to your mind. As you do this more and more, you will start to see yourself in a fantastic light and the voice in your head in a pitiful light (Yes, the voice and the person behind it would be so pathetic then that you will actually pity them. Don't console them though). You are strong and amazing and they are not. That's why they are trying or have tried to reduce your shine that whatever little they have could be noticed than your own light. It is the way of a coward, bully, and an overall emotionally underdeveloped child that refused to grow up. Take it little by little and you will be fine. PS: "This is from my experience, not hearsay. This has worked for me and I pray that it works for you too. "
No contact is so hard bc you've become programmed to care about their perception of your silence. Even when they destroy us, we still care about their feelings & try to avoid hurting them bc we cannot control that we possess empathy even when we shouldn't. Silence & abandonment hurts us so we merely assume that it would hurt the narcissist on the same level. It doesn't. But yet bc we still love and care for them, we still try to save them by being their therapist, best friend, ride or die & punching bag. It's 1 big mind fuck! No longer caring about the narcissist's perception of you, your actions, your silence and your boundaries is true FREEDOM!
This is the exact problem I'm having...ive come to rely on his validation n it's destroying me...i don't understand how I can know so much about narcissism n STILL be in this mess...im trying so hard to get away but when I try it makes him that much more cruel n he says the most horrific shit that no person in the world should say to another human being...n then I stay stuck bc I want him to stop n then I feel worse about myself for allowing him to get away with it...im at a loss n he wins again👿💔💔😪
krῖstῖͷ lεῖgh - me too - I hated being trapped in my own perpetuating behaviour. After years, I came across self hypnosis and it got me out of my codependency. Perhaps try it - search online for instructions.
You make a really interesting point regarding how we want them to see our silence. We care so much about them, we want to tell them it’s okay, we don’t want to see them sad even if they are the ones causing us torment, pain and sadness. I’ve found myself praying for this person AFTER they block me ( discard ), and hoping they will be okay. It’s ridiculous and we ser ourselves on fire to keep them warm.
I can’t tell you how many times I have told my horrible malignant narcissist sister that “this isn’t a discussion, I’m telling you what is happening. Your input is not required or wanted “.
@@SideB1984You sound like the person they are trying to disengage with. Probably hit a nerve with your narc tendencies. Might wanna do something about that. Cheers!
Matt 7:6 Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.
I cut off my three siblings and it gets lonely on the holidays in year 6 of this, but the reward of it is worth the price to me as a dude. Keep hanging in there, beautiful Rachel... Like myself, you deserve BETTER too. (I'd rather be alone at times talking to wall than EVER talking to people like THOSE again!). I finally arrived from the other end of the tunnel, myself, and I never want to go back to that DARKNESS again
PS--thanks for phrasing Dr Ross here on his awesome recollection of that George Bernard Shaw saying... I'm done "wrestling with pigs" by accident giving them ENTERTAINMENT... As they said in the movie "War Games" in it's conclusion, "THE ONLY WINNING MOVE IS NOT TO PLAY THE GAME!"
It feels good to become aware of the hidden forces behind their words and take our power back from them even before it starts... Their words are never to be taken at face value, there's always an agenda
I didn't realise the damage he has been doing to me until now that I'm seeing all the patterns. My heart is so broken , I'm so angry that a person could be this evil.
Fire Bird: I know! I put all my Faith, love and trust in this Very sick charming person. He is so deranged that he has Lost everything. Now he is Prowling for very sick lonely Women taking their life Savings from them.
I went looking for the meaning of the word ‘gaslighting’ and a light went on...ALL the patterns fell into sight and I couldn’t believe I wasn’t alone, thinking I was going insane all by myself....How can there be soooooo many of these folks who are passive aggressive COVERT narcissist ruining our innocent lives...I fell in love of someone I thought I knew...
Thank you! 50 years this August married to my Covert Narcissist wife. Yes, way too many years . I was planning to leave 30 years ago, and 1 week before leaving I was sitting at a red light and a guy hit from behind, he was doing 55mph, this was 6 months after a Laminectomy Disectomy @L5-S1. I have been living in hell ever since. I'm 71 and would love to be free of this life. Thanks again for all prayers and support. I love people and life but she has run away all my friends.
They always play the “Victim “Card Oh my gosh for a second there I was questioning myself if I was the Narcissist ?!! Very Toxic people !! NO CONTACT and lots of Self Love & Most important a relationship with GOD That experience was brutal, painful, and spiritually enlightening...
I've been surrounded by these people all my 58 years. Idk how many times I've questioned myself as I have traits of all 3 of the dark triad along with buckets of empathy. Understand why another can question themselves too made me relate that here. I just can't let the thought I might be a narc rule my thoughts although your comment was a trigger today. You're not a narc in mhop because they go silent and can not talk about it. They certainly wouldn't dare to comment publicly about the possibility of being a narc. I wish anyone reading this the strength to get through the Thanksgiving holiday gatherings this next week. All the strength one can muster is needed when surrounded by toxic people. They're gonna be saying I love you instead of the truth which i that they love to hurt you.
Narcissism is rampant. I’m so glad this is getting more attention, I’ve been with a narcissist for 39 years, first 20 didn’t really see it, took the next 19 to realize what was going on, I need out! It’s a psychological nightmare. 😡 My daughter is in therapy. My turn.
@@naturalianossyeah it IS. And WE do not “enjoy” one bit of it. Iv been financially abused for years with no where to go. I’ve TRIED. Sickness has not helped. Do you have ANY idea what it is to be in this prison? The depression and self hate about throwing away your life sucks you into hopelessness. That was a horrible thing to say.
Hope you can find a good therapist but I'm under the impression most of them don't get it either. After 2 1/2 years of realizing this narc business I'm finding ways to cope but not letting the idea go to leave. It's taking time to make that happen but might be all the sanity I'll actually find when it's all over.
This video is so good. No cheesy motivational sayings, no flowery words, not overly-academic either. Just plain and simple explanations ... I am so thankful
The best is when you reflect on "the good times with the narc," but can't think of one or a many good times with them. Really makes cutting ties a lot easier.
You do not look 65...must eat him up inside at some level to know that. I suspect he views your looks as a threat given the shallow level a narc operates at. In his mind looks give you options other than him.
I am a late diagnosis Autist. My narcissistic Sociopath mother killed my baby brother in front of me and then blamed me when the police came for her. I was still a toddler, so they didn't believe her. However, when she came back from the mental institute, I was so terrified that she'll kill me too, I started "fawning" which became my default. After being married twice, both times to "strong women" I realised that my response is half the problem. Sad thing is, the last marriage left me destitute and mentally broken, so I ended up back with my now elderly N.S. mother and I'm completely dependent on her. My disorder makes keeping a job really hard and South Africa has an unemployment rate of over 30%, so I do not have much hope of becoming independent. When I disengage, she gets her boyfriend to draw me back in. She's really good at manipulation. So, thank you for reminding me again not to engage.
@R Horn Just keep plugging away at it. Watch videos, listen to meditations, and don't forget to feel your feelings (REALLY important to do) - you can do this, you can get over him/her. Realize it was not real but simply an illusion. That realization alone was enough for me to say 'I'm done!" You can do it one minute at a time. Sending good wishes your way.
@R Horn Theres something more going on in the unseen realms. The conviction they have when they hurt people is not human. Our empathy attracts them, we have to learn to set boundaries, THEY HATE when we finally learn to set boundaries and keep them out by responding and not reacting. I spent months researching and distancing myself, the hoovering never stopped up till her new BF a few weeks ago (which I do not envy, yet sypathize for what he will soon go through). Check out my video on the subject. My relationship woke me up to the reality that not everyone sees other humans as we do, some see them as objects to use for their own gain. We have to guard ourselves from those who seek to manipulate us with their illusory realities. Good luck.
Ref 1:52 - "Never wrestle with the pig. You get dirty; and besides, the pig likes it!" --George Bernard Shaw Haha, how smart and true is the quote! I love it! And I'll have to keep reminding myself of it!!!
Pigs always get a bad rap, actually they are gentle and lovable creatures.Their rolling in the mud is the equivalent of a facial mud pack for their whole body.
"They know every inch of the ring" Damn. That hit different. I didn't even think about the fact that he has 30 years of experience in doing this. There's nothing that I could say that would trip him up because he's been doing this his whole life.
A man moved into my apartment complex. He instantly focused on me, initially standing on his patio, looking at me while pulling his shorts down with a big grin. Then, whenever he saw me coming and going, he would dash across the complex, attempting to get me to talk to him; his exaggerated interest in me was ridiculous, and his flirting was sickening. During this time, I remembered what I had learned about "induced conversation with Ross. "THANK YOU ROSS!" He heard my voice once when he cornered me on the sidewalk, telling me that he walked every day. I responded with "good" as I stepped away. Once he finally realized that I was never going to give him the attention he was demanding, he went into a full-blown rage and harassed me at the mailbox whenever he caught me there. I've mastered the art of ignoring this man whose name I don't even know. It really destroys his ego. The maintenance man inadvertently walked into one of the traps he laid for me and confronted him. Things are much better now.
@@patduffyforever Thank You! I had no choice but to handle it; at one point, I almost broke my lease. But then I decided I wasn't going to run. Narcs are everywhere, and I am done running from them. Besides, I really like this apartment I have.
@@jp5419 the man is back to his nutty behavior. And the maintenance man and him are buddies now.???? He blocked my car as I was attempting to leave .He kept stopping and starting looking back at me in a full blown rage, finally exiting and driving down the wrong side of the highway. Today I filled out the form to petition the court for a order of protection.
They are evil, spawn from the fallen angels My mum is one, and I’ve had one in my life for 40 years. 5 years of life without one, now. I’m starting the healing process only now 🙏🙌❤️🥰
Very evil, they are trying to separate us from our free will. I had one try to hypnotize me more than once. Not a pleasant feeling knowing someone wants to take away your ability to choose your own future.
Bless you and other psychologists who are trying to help people with your UA-cam content. I'd actually go mad if it wasn't for you, Doctor Ramani and Kati Morton. ❤️
I deeply appreciate the term „codependent prey“, because it tells it very quickly who I really had become and helps get a very honest look at my own self. It helps look straight in the mirror, give myself empathy and gather ways to strengthen myself to start straining towards self-love and freeing myself from this very serious addiction which co-dependency is…
Yes! Dont share how your feeling, dont explain yourself or try and defend yourself.....its so very hard when your confused and trying to figure out who this person turned out to be! Once the pattern becomes evident by you! I thought I was missing a huge part! Why did my husband start to have tantrums and physically turn into a sulky, tantrum, rage! Everytime I said the word "no". Everytime I once again was baited to listen for sometimes 5, 6 ,7 ..days of his emotions and needs not being met..ugh! I learned to just be quiet. It's so hard and painful to just listen when I was tricked into trusting him. Tricked into sharing my deepest feelings and past. Omg what a mistake!!I finally found this chanel....I had to trust my body to tell me it was reacting to his horrible behavior. It's so hard but your right....he is so hard and exhausting. I'm learning. Thank you thank you. I've blocked his phone...only communicate through emails ...in my weak state of expressing my reason for distance. I'm planning an exit now. He continues to try and play on my heart by repeating he loves me and if I dont come home how can he show me he's changed. It's now a gross feeling hearing him say the words I love you. Yep, everytime I start to feel I miss the kind face he put on to get me to marry him I watch a video like this. Its hurtful but I'm getting stronger by these videos.
Avoid them like the plague. Don't get sucked into their mind games and misery. Silence is an excellent tool when they start tearing you down. Don't personalize it. It's them not you.
After a lifetime of manipulation and physical and emotional abuse, and 2 months ago a horrifying letter from my mother filled with verbal abuse and slander towards me, my parents want to “meet to resolve our issues”. This video is helping me realize how useless this would’ve been.
This advice is correct. The conversation they lure you into will end up with them winning over you once again. I went through this many a time. I know what it was all about now.
OMG TY!! I have learned to limit my conversations with my Narc to one word response (if necessary.) He seemed fine with my new boundary at first, but then out of the blue one afternoon he said, "I saw your slipper behind the bed, in case you're looking for it." His tone was very nonchalant, as if we were just another couple engaging in normal chitchat. But I told myself; there's no necessity to respond to his comment, and I can't see any benefit to my wellbeing in responding...so I didnt. Ty Dr Ross
My mother was a narcissist. I married a narcissist. I finally was able to break away from him, my mother died some years ago, but that didn't ended it. The ex-husband I finally severed ties completely but I had to give up some of my kids because they were on his side. I felt so free when I finally severed ties with him completely.. Miss my 'lost" kids tho.
Unfortunately, this is also my situation. He made three times the money that I did (because teaching is not a "real" job) and took the kids on vacations, trips, bought them stuff that I couldn't. Twisted their minds ("your mother abandoned us"). No, I left an abusive alcoholic.
Thanks for everything Ross I found a Word last night that I’d like to share: From Jesus for all of us 🤗❤️✝️ Titus 3:10-11 Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned. Amen. You can be sure. And be free. Blessings
Paul contradicts Lord Yeshua ('Jesus') in fatal ways. Nietshe calls Saul/Paul the Antichrist. I agree. Lord Yeshua and His Parent says "Judge not lest ye be judged" So, what did meditation ('prayer') teach you about this?
@@udhiw.4663 The phrase "Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged" is over used. We must judge things and situations on a continuous basis in daily life. It's called Discernment. We discern a situation or person....is this safe?...is this a good person or not, ( could be a narc in disguise ). We do have to make many little and big decisions. We have to sometimes use gut feeling, discernment, and make a judgement whether it is good for us or not. IMO.
for me it was self defense less. Living with this kind of perversion from very young taught me to not value myself, that I had no right to defend myself. I was singled out for sexual abuse, assaulted and looking back I see that when I sensed danger I shut down and even left my body. I never fought back. Now I am old and they are dead to me. I hope the young people don't get fooled for long with help available online and in groups. Once, recently. I pretended to be really going along with a man telling me I was imagining things and trying to get me to fight, pretended to be scared and upset then burst out laughing. He just lost his mask. I don't think it was smart, it just happened.
It may sound harsh but, I treat them like they do not exist and turn off all emotions when they are near. Sometimes, just saying "hello" will get them started. They might act up for awhile with the hope of getting you to react but, they usually look for someone else out of the frustration of being rejected. Ross, you are absolutely correct! 💛
I have 8 more years after 27. I have narrowed it down to email only. He is at the moment insisting on a call. I literally have the shakes because he is in my head. I will take this withdrawal though over the recovery from one call with him regarding the children. This is insidious and very real and I cannot tell you enough how your videos and others are keeping me and my children sane, and safe. God bless you.
PS. Add to the list, they also want hate & anger as a response. It feeds them. Be completely unemotional, like a robot that Dr Ross mentioned. Also, see if you can come to a place of wanting nothing from them, not as hatred (they love hatred) but as a means of not being under their power. When we want sth from them, such as stopping a certain behavior, we have given them power as that means it their behavior determines how we feel so they'll be in control. My best advice is keep your feet on the ground (literally feeling your feet on the ground & imagine roots going down into earth like a tree, this will ground you & anchor you), being still & aware. EFT is very helpful also. 'lots of videos in UA-cam on hiw to do this) 🙂 Above all, BE STRONG.
And then they accuse you of being a cold person with no feelings - but take it as a compliment, 'cause even that accusation is intended to get you to react.
@@69LOLIN I used to think exactly like you & I couldn't. Then after 5-6 years of constant abuse, I had to learn the hard way. What they love the most is a REACTION & making you angry. Trust me. If you can, get Dr Bach Rescue Remedy (it's a flower essence remedy made of 5 flower essences which you take 4 drops up to even 15 minutes or minimum 4drops x4 times a day). This really helped me but you have to take it regularly. If you find it helps you, it's cheaper to buy the individual essences & make your own dosage bottle, Google Bach flower remedy preparing a dosage bottle. Normally it's 2 drops added to pure water & teaspoon of brandy but for Rescue Remedy its 4 drops). You can do it xx
My ex would act and talk extremely rude to me and when I would eventually stand up for myself (sometimes not soo politely) she'd say "Your just trying to start a Fight!" Its as if she had selective memory loss about how she'd been treating me.
This is my daily life. He displays protest behaviour when he’s resentful about something instead of telling me. Mostly because it will make him feel like a bad guy, which is his greatest fear. So he dances on the edge of rude and nice, waiting for me to notice and take the bait. If I bite, the floodgates suddenly open and he says I’m too confrontational and emotionally exhaust him. He says I have too many needs. I’m too demanding.
They play by "rules for thee but not for me." They can't stand to be treated the way they treat others. So they know what they do isn't right. I highly recommend zero interaction with them.
Reading this just gave me an epiphany. Idk about the toxic people in you all’s life. But the guy that comes to mind for me: not that smart, no money, not very handsome. He has to figure out some way to get people to pay attention to him. This is his only desperate option. Manipulation. Pitiful.
Don’t let them control the narrative or the conversation. Say very early “no” 😆...I can laugh at this now. I’m out of the dark appreciating every day in the sun 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛
This is very correct. The poison is in the conversation. The content of the conversation usually makes little sense but you never the less find yourself right back with them after the conversation. I noticed this strange pattern over the years. It's very peculiar. It's really a spell like experience more than a conversation but it's happening on a spiritual level.
@velveteyes79 again exactly what I wrote to the last narcissist who just left the stage of my life. I told him you try to push my buttons. Btw the day he approached me he said he was spiritual. They work like mediums psychics they ask you questions you begin to tell thinking they show interest and they use the information. In my case he took a role of 'guide'. I told him I am my own guide. Lost grip. It was fooled but okay I forgive myself.
It is a spell they use tone of voice and eye contact like a snake will hypnotize prey. Have you any more insight on language used by them? I've noticed mine use a real word an unintelligible word and a fun or euphemism ish word to avoid answering a question truthfully.
Sharon Edwards “The poison is in the conversation..... It’s like a spell. “ Truer words have never been spoken. I went no contact with a narc family because she would lay hands on me and say the most terrible things. It really felt like she was cursing me.
LOVE it...So, WHY are they still in your life, why have you allowed them to see what you are doing? The only acceptable excuse for still having a narc in your life is you are planning your exit. Otherwise, it really IS YOUR OWN FAULT by allowing them control over you.
@@sagrammyfour It's already all about me I'm the evil abuser and she plays the victim so well. It's my fault for choosing her that's the truth. She can't bear to watch a video on narcissism.
@@sagrammyfour I'm grateful to be free. I no longer have to listen to her chin music, I think that I've lost my gaf and am indifferent to her childish attempts. If you really don't mind what a narc does really don't matter. With the knowledge gained it seems like you have a sort of shield. She no longer pulls my buttons. Me and the dog are making it fine on our own.
Narcissistic baiting. They bait you into an argument among other people by crossing your boundaries. You may lose your temper, while the narc remains calm and says to the other people " look how he treats me I only asked him a question". This is designed to deflect accountability away from them and make it seem like you're the one who is the problem. Good video.
OOO MYYYY GOOOOOOD!!!!! I didn't even know my mom was a narcissist but by intuition I had decided that the best thing for me was to get her out of my life completely. Just two weeks ago she recommended we go into therapy and I said yes... and I just noticed watching this video that that was her strategy for induced conversation! Thats the way she got me to start talking again... and of course she says that everything Im saying about her is not real, that Im crazy and delusional.... not in those specific words but the fact that she just dismisses it... its the same thing. Just a few days ago she did something again due to the fact that we are having contact.... again. She is in my head again.... wow Dr Ross thank you so much. When I decided no contact obviously it was hard because... well... she is my mother. But its the best thing for me. And when I started therapy with her I feel like I have relapsed... the only reason I joined therapy with her was because I thought that this was finally going to open her eyes and she was going to see what she does.... but obviously not.... because thats the definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder... she isnt capable of seeing it. And now I have her in my head again, and I am not at peace. Back to no contact it is.... it hurts because she is my mother... but for years Ive worked on myself not to feel guilt and shame about it... its the best thing for me, its my life, and its what needs to be done... for my sanity and wellbeing.
I too have a narcissistic mother. It's so hard to cut all bonds with her because it's your mother. It's the right decision though. If you're her punching bag or scapegoat, she will move that negative energy to someone else in the family once she knows you have fully disconnected.
I just got a text after 2 years of me going no contact but I'm not going to get sucked back in. I'm glad I didn't block her though just because now I know she tried.
NO CONTACT is EASILY the best outcome. If you are temporarily stuck with them i.e. spouse, partner, sibling, parents.. work out your plan to LEAVE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!
Yep. I thought revealing either of the extremes: I love you so much or you hurt me so much, would open up their empathy. But it just stokes their ego. Giving them zero emotion is the best path.
@@miryreina925 It very much can be. Do your research on narcissists. It's a disorder THAT CANT BE CURED. It can be managed, but only if the person admits they have a problem, which RARELY happens. This person most likely will not change. The cycle continues, only if you let it. No matter what the text, email, phone call says, they are the same person trying to push your buttons. If you respond, they win, they got their ego stroked. Don't get mad, don't get sad, disregard them. Focus on something, anything else besides that person. One day at a time. You can do it ❤️
Watching these kind of videos has led me to the conclusion that we need to go very slowly with any level of relationships in our culture. America has plus and minuses like any other country but it is very clear that our hyper, consumerist, much divorce, entitlement, etc...has given people the opportunity to NOT mature or grow or understand relationships. Thank you Mr Rosenberg for the video!!!
I think if you've ever experienced narcissistic abuse then it's worthwhile taking your time to get to know someone to see how their personality unfolds. I met someone in 2017 and thought he was interesting, and wanted to find out more, but over the course of the next 12 months of deliberately only having limited contact with him, lo and behold, he revealed himself as having narcissistic traits. When you meet someone you feel you have a rapport with, it's always tempting to dive in and spend lots of time together but I think, for me, as someone who is empathic, by keeping a healthy distance, I didn't bond with this person in the way I usually do, and was able to maintain my boundaries. So when the time came to cut him loose there was very little anguish on my part as our lives weren't enmeshed in the way they have been with previous relationships. If someone values you, _for you_, then they won't mind taking thing slowly.
I wish I knew this growing up... Malicious Narcissist mother has got me thinking of Suicide starting at 9 years old. I ran away from home at sixteen. My life hasn't been so good attracting abusive relationships ( self esteem and self worth issues). It's truly a miracle that I'm still here , trying to heal myself. My research on Narcissism explains Everything. ♡ THANK YOU SO MUCH for SHARING ♡
I grew up with an entire family like this. Our parents taught that fighting was preferred to the rational and reasonable conversation to resolve things. It was never about resolving anything in a fight with my family. The objective was to win over the one who wanted to bring clarity as well as resolve a conflict. I was putting dishes in the dishwasher for my mother one day, she was elderly and I wanted to help. From the other room, she shouted how she wanted them to be placed in the washer. I calmly suggested something that might make them fit better and she shouted in an angry voice as though I had done something wrong, "no put them this way." . I recall thinking, "what if she had just said in a calm loving voice; 'honey I prefer them this way.'" What a difference it would have made in the tone of things. I said alright to her and did it the way she wanted. There was no need for the angry voice I was happy to do them her way all I thought was to help with a suggestion. In growing up with my family any suggestion different from what they said was seen as a challenge rather than a friendly conversation. After I grew older looking back I realize how terrible my family is, to this day my brothers do not know how to discuss anything when there are differences. Everything is competition and a potential fight. My parents are gone now, sorry if this sounds bad but I do not miss them. I miss what might have been if there had been love and kindness, but I do not miss what we had. I have distanced myself from my brothers now, they have not changed, 70 years old and beyond and they have not changed one bit.
I remember my ex always asking what I was feeling or thinking. He'd say that majority of women would love 2 have a man that'd ask such questions🙄 I then thought that he was probably right. Shortly after he began weaponizing what I'd tell him. Or make "sly" belittling remarks about feelings or thoughts I've shared.
OMG, you literally described every single tactic my almost ex-wife used to get me back when we separated 2 years ago. Like a fool I fell for it and we got back together. It's been the most miserable 2 years of my entire life since. I now know after having watched your videos and some others what is/was going on. I can finally now move forward and do with confidence what I wasn't able to do a little over 2 years ago. Thank you so much for this video!
Wow how true! I couldn't figure out why everytime I was upset he'd talk circles around me and somehow the issue wasn't resolved but I was too confused to keep talking. I went into therapy, for a different issue, and leaned why I was so sad. Thank you for a great video!
Long time since you posted this but just come across this video. Just wanted to say that this was exactly my experience too, with my soon-to-be ex-wife. It wasn't until I was able to step back and understand my own unhappiness and depression this set I was able to identify its source.
Sadly, narcissists are everywhere... I can stay away from my family, but can’t go from job to job until I can collect social security. It seems like bosses appreciate narcissists and let them rule over normal employees.
Which is why I am so thankful my boss knows what they are. Sadly you can't fire someone for what he sees as a personality disorder until they commit something like religious discrimination or sexual harrassement. Still, my boss gets pretty creative at putting our office narc in her place. They are so tenacious tho! Like bitch just quit. We don't want you here.
Honestly you will never avoid them, but once you really love yourself and respect yourself and not care what other people think of you. They won’t even bother you they avoid you like the plague. And you will start finding them funny almost child like because that is what they are!
Denise it’s true. Most supervisors and team leaders are narcs. It’s like management like them because they bully the other staff and ‘keep them in line’. It’s a way for management to bully and rule over the staff via their narc supervisors. Companies that operate in this stupid way always have a high turnover of staff. You’ll see them always advertising for new employees because they need a constant flow to replace the people that quit.
@@thatgirlbrinna7927 Unfortunately they do things like 1) coworker- try to get you arrested for fraud, 2) family - lie to all the relatives that you stole something valuable from your dead father's estate. These require damage control and consequences. Messy situations.
Wow. My narc parent called me twice today to try and 'talk' (they normally never call me). I had spent the day before thinking I was finally going to break free. Somehow, it's like they KNEW! And now this video popped up on my timeline. Thanks, Ross. I clearly needed to hear this.
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I kept abusive texts from my ex and any time I started to miss him I'd re-read them and was instantly 'cured'.
I keep screenshots so that I can remember that he definitely IS a liar
Great idea, thank you!
yess making a list of bad behaviors and literal quotes in the notes section in my
phone really helped as i was morning the loss of the dream they faked
Good on!
I did the same. I felt like my memory had been wiped. So about a month ago I used keywords to search back thru our text convos and took screenshots of all the times he lashed out at me for giving insufficient supply. I turned the screenshots into a free online photo album and sent him a link to it when he asked why I was acting different. He said he didn't read it of course. But every time I need to remember, it's there for me to go back and reference. Shortly after showing him this he went quiet and still is.
Avoid induced conversation by slowly counting 1-2-3 before responding to avoid getting “hooked” into conversation or reacting. I have a few stand-by responses when needed: 1) “that’s possible” when they poke with a baiting statement, 2) shrug shoulders w/o making eye contact, and 3) don’t respond in any way-blank expression. They work like a charm. This drives the narcissist bonkers because they’re not able to get a reaction. And the beauty of it all is you don’t even have to say a thing.
Or just do what they do and change the subject. Like "did you see that guy on that weird bike?" Me: "you mean a mountain bike!?". Always something dumb to get you off the subject. I still miss that dimwit though,idk if that ever changes. I like your way of handling them also. I will try your tactics if I ever come across one of them again.
Yes. My mother goes into a frenzied word salad monologue to provoke an emotional reaction when I do this.Its bewildering to stay detached and just listen to a stream of attempts to hook me in.
I find it really insulting now too. Cant believe I ve spent wo much time being fooled by such people.
Isn’t this……. What narcissists do?
Yes. The goal shouldn’t be to out-narcissist the narcissist…🤨
I now say, 'We'll see what happens'. That way I don't drawn into an argument. For instance, 'If Trump doesn't win there will be civil war etc etc' Rather than debate hypotheticals and get drawn into the game. I just say, 'We'll see what happens'. I do get, 'I'm worried about you' which I get if I disconnect for a few days. I reply, 'Don't worry, I'm fine'.
You don't have to talk or react to them to suck your energy. Just being around them is exhausting!
Yep there are ways to drain people of their energy without even talking
I actually would get brain fog around mine. I felt exhausted around him so much I got tired of driving over 1 hour just to be abused every weekend.
My dad is the biggest energy vampire I have ever come across, and considering the places I’ve been in my life, that’s scary!
Yea...like "psychic vampires".....
The best response is: “Who does the person your pretending to be, think they are?”
This reminds me of a roommate I had. I'd basically avoid any engagement. We once got into a conversation that led to him asking me to let him know the things he does that I don't like. I replied, "unfortunately, you've put me in a tough place. If I tell you the things that bother me, that will give you the power to bother me. You want to know what I don't like? When you're kind and considerate, when you clean up after yourself, when you're quiet and respectful." He had such a dumb look on his face after that.
😂😂 that is AWESOME!
ha ha ha ! HIGH 5 !
😂😂😂😂😂
Brilliant! 😂😂😂
😂😂😂
No contact has been my peace, my safety, my power, and my freedom.
It’s the ONLY way.
Same here, its hard but Corona Virus has given me the biggest excuse to stay away
YES!!!
Im so happy for you. This is 2 years after your comment, but I still hope you are living in peace and you are happy 💜🙏
It's very sad. Especially from family who see money and nothing about beauty or creativity. Money seems to be the answer and sledgehammer. Really?
The best thing to do with a narcissist is don’t seek approval from them. This hands you back control over your life.
My mother is a very, very manipulative, controlling covert narcissist. When she became upset with about something that is remotely related to our local council, which I work for, she decided to address them at their regular public meeting. She never said a word to me about either the issue (which I could have explained how to resolve) or her plan to make a public statement to the council until the night before the meeting where she was on the agenda. I knew she was on the agenda weeks before the meeting because colleagues mentioned it to me.
The night before, she finally told me what she going to do and why. Then, she said, "I hope you know I'm not doing this to embarrass you and I hope it doesn't reflect on you at work." No eye contact at all until I told her that I'd been working with my colleagues for 15 years, they are very accustomed to all kinds of people including relatives and friends addressing the council, and that whatever she said or does is not a reflection of me just like what I do and say is not a reflection of her. Right up until I said she and I were not reflections of each other, I saw (for the first time) that weird, sly smile of satisfaction of her face. After I said I wasn't a reflection of her, she turned her head away and had nothing at all to say.
Here's the truth: if she hadn't intended to cause me some sort of negative feeling, she would have been open and honest with me about her issue and how to resolve it. Instead, she got angry and indignant, mistakenly believing the council caused some damage to her garden. She fired off several ugly, demanding emails to her representative and decided to "speak her mind" publicly, regardless of whether or how it might affect me (it didn't at all, but she didn't care whether it would). She wanted a long, emotional discussion with me on the eve of her "big show", assuming the prospect of it would cause me anxiety.
Being able to say, "No worries, Mom! Oh, look at the time. I need to get home. Hope it goes well tomorrow night!" and then leave on a very pleasant note was so liberating and self-affirming I can't really describe it. It sounds like such a small, easy thing to do, but for me, it was monumental.
Later, I watched the video of the meeting with her comments. She predictably rambled long past the allotted 3 minutes, talking about herself, how long she's lived in town, raised 3 children, deceased husband's career, etc., followed by her signature passive-aggressive delivery of her complaint: angry, but with a sardonic smile on her face the whole time.
She got no response from the council beyond, "Thank you" and an explanation about how a utility easement works, i.e., there was nothing they could do to help her because the cable company has an easement in the alleyway to fix their cables.
The whole thing perfectly illustrated her dysfunction, her intentional covert manipulation of me, and how effective it is when you can swallow every impulse to accept their invitation to "discuss" something and instead, opt out firmly but kindly.
@@eurokay4755 Wow..you did SO well..that's really good. I aim to get where you are sooner rather than later, I hope.
The problem is when the narc is dead and your grown children are still duped.
@@eurokay4755 I get you my sister does those things all the time but I am getting better at saying no and I don't care if she keeps on calling me with any excuse.
Or validation
Staying with them is a lonely existence. No communication or connectedness.
So true
@P This It might be important to Diane, you just dismissed her. For many people its less lonely being alone and then being with someone in a toxic relationship.
I'm extremely lonely in my relationship with a narc! I am just beginning to realize what I'm up against. I am empowering myself by watching videos like this and reading comments like yours Diane.
So true!!!
For real. 😔 i tried to tell him that. Our last fight he laughed in my face while I was crying. 💔.
"observe, don't absorb" is one of my new mantras 🙏
I💚 this... Thanks for sharing! This is my mantra now... when I start getting that Feeling of absorbing any given situation that I might find myself in...to Stop mentally and Observe it rather than Take that 💩 in. ✌️☀️
Good one
My mother (high level narcissist who is sadistic/sociopathic) is an expert at this. She uses charm to lure, provoke, manipulate, get pity, control, etc. She's is very intelligent and calculating. Dad is also (highly intelligent narc) but very quiet compared to her and not as inherently vicious. He's mean but doesn't enjoy seeing others in pain, he just looks away. Mom sought me out when I was young, to start problems that didn't exist. She made up a problem, blamed it on me, then worked herself into a outrage, then went running to dad to "tell on" me. I was a peaceful child, fearful yet sweet and innocent. She targeted me relentlessly behind closed doors, hating and constantly finding fault. I learned to hide, stay out of the house, etc. At 12, the family therapist told me the truth about my parents. I was indeed taught not to react, to stay calm when mom came at me, looking for a fight. It was scary but I learned this. I remember my knees shaking as mom raged at me, not letting her provoke a reaction. It took years for me to fully get good at this but my boundaries got stronger and my lack of reaction and unwillingness to fight back became my power. Mom looked dumb trying to argue alone, and stalked off, angry. But it worked.
I hate drama and mom is all about it, so as an adult, I stay away because when she initiates contact (rarely), by phone, she wants to lure me back to being controlled or manipulated. Nope. I end the conversation quickly if she tries anything. They know this now, that I will stay gone if they try to do anything, so they show up once in awhile, being friendly but the tension is in the air. They know I have security cameras in my house and will not tolerate abuse/rage. It's come to that, but I cannot trust them after a lifetime of dealing with her highly calculating, self serving and entitled ways. Dad is similar but not as aggressive. I value my safety and keep my distance to save myself. CPTSD, anxiety, depression are hard rough, but I got high blood pressure from family stress and that was the last straw. So, staying away, high boundaries works for me. It's not what I wanted in life, I wanted a loving family, but a cordial visit from them is all I can take, once in awhile. Visiting their home is dangerous to me, they become aggressive, but in my home, I'm safe. And will kick them out if they're abusive. Boundaries.
You are a champion! That's something to be proud of.
Wow. Having a therapist that could advise you like this as a kid is so unusual. As a therapist myself, I have found it difficult to walk the razors edge of supporting the child without enraging the parent. The child will sometimes use the therapist by turning them into the villain in order to connect with their parent. Or, the parent will simply feel threatened and refuse to let the child go to therapy.
I hope you’ve gotten good therapy in adulthood so you can have your own healthy loving relationships with others. Clearly you’ve found healthy ways to manage your parents.
You gotta realize your parents are loaded with demons, narcissism is a demonic stronghold. When you go to their house ➡️ that is the demons territory - you cannot win there. I'm so sorry. I would go to catholic church for free holy water in vestibule and spray all over your house before they come over and after they leave while saying Let No Negative Energies enter this house over n over.
You're a great human being. How sad your parents could not see through your noble, beautiful soul.
Not a single trace of hatred, bitterness or resentment permeates your comment, and your inherent kindness shines through your analisys of your parents behaviour. What a delightful kid you must have been.
How tragic they could not see it.
You are extremely wise, and it started with you having open ears to truely listen and take to heart what you were hearing from the therapist. As a child your strong stance to silently protect yourself came when the abuse you knew was hurtful, but you were confused and didn't know how to react, was brought to light and the abuse was validated as abuse. Validation is extremely important to a child or adult suffering from emotional and physical abuse. Sadly, not all people have love, compassion, and kindness within them. Mistakenly we all believe that a parent, friend, or partner is just born with these traits and would never hurtfully abuse their own child, friend, or partner - even society as a whole usually falls into this category - so family members and friends many times will throw out unjustifiable remarks that berate abusive words and actions. Putting cameras up in your home was smart. Thank you for sharing some pretty deep info of your situation. There are several dear souls that are going through the same pain that you've described at the various stages of life you've described. The quiet strength and resolve that you share is an encouraging motivator for all ages. You're being a light for many living in these situations. Once again i applaud your humility and strength. Your inner courage to stand resilent and protect yourself without any sort of violent action, but with proactive intelligence - all because you had ears that truely listened at the young age of 12. May you be blessed many times over, and may you find peace and joy in your life
💛
Three years ago, I made a small cake for my birthday. Because I was getting the silent treatment then, I put a candle on it, lit it and I went to my husband in the other room and I said "Happy birthday to me" and I blew out the candle. He looked at me, and without saying anything, turned to the TV again. Of course I cried - silently. On my next birthday, he denied that he didn't wish me a happy birthday. I left him 5 months ago, for the second time, but now for good - after 42 years of marriage. I'm almost 65 and I still cry from time to time.
I did 30 years with my covert narc. Had no idea why the cycles kept repeating, and I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt. Now, I know I was cutting him slack for his abusive childhood and I believed he had a true character that he was unable to tap into. It was ultimately wasted time and effort, except for the kids that came out of it.
I'm sorry you had to go thru that pain. You are worth it and you are very much so Loved!
Aww I’m so sorry. From one woman to another, I never felt loved either. People can be heartless and cruel. I hope you know how much God loves you!! It’s the best love anyone could feel 💕
Girl, I’m 62 and just now getting free from a narc mom. And I moved in with her two years ago to take care of her. Yes, there is exhaustion just being around them but oh how I’ve learned NOT to engage!
@@justeencosar9766this is so difficult, that's for sure. You feel so much better when you keep that distance though.
I’m single because I don’t want to enter another relationship with a narcissist. I’d rather be alone forever.
Me too. I have been happily single for 24 years.
Amen!!
I am learning as much as I can about narcissism and about myself so that I have the option of being in a healthy relationship if that comes along, while in the meantime enjoying being in a healthy relationship with myself 😊
Same.
@heatherburrill narcissism is an epidemic.
After years and years of receiving verbal abuse from my sister and of searching deep inside to find out what made me a target of it, I have FINALLY realized that it all starts when I’m courteous enough to engage in conversation with her. So now I have cut all direct conversation but because she’s my sister, I’ve told her I needed time on my own but kept e-mail open between us.
Interestingly, she suddenly has nothing to talk about with me ….! and I know why…. It’s because she won’t be able to trick me with written words and pretend I said this or that when I didn’t, like she usually will do in conversation. Everything is written down and recorded in an email! It has been a very good system. My life is more peaceful now 😅
GREAT IDEA!!!
I cut out sister years ago. She tried getting me into contact again by trying to apologize, at the same time accusing me of things. I initially composed a reply, and then realized, I'm actually not interested in ANY type of contact with her, and left her without it. My peace is priceless.
I have/had a toxic sister as well and she suggested more than once that I should think about committing suicide.
She couldn't understand why I wanted nothing more to do with her. Sometimes I think these people are possessed since all they do is harm.
This is why my husband is mad I won’t take phone calls anymore .
Just text , that we “both know what was said”
This is what I've done, but I've tried to avoid even texting. My sister can get in a deep passive-aggressive jab in a very short rare text. The text on its face can look innocent, but if you know the history and past attacks, you can recognize the subtle hook.
It’s tempting to react because when they say something completely illogical, you (who believes anyone can understand logic) want to explain to them where they are being illogical, 1+1=2. After years of arguing, I realized that logic means nothing to them, it’s still hard for me to process
They say illogical things deliberately
They are schemers
My ex seemed like he couldn't understand the simplest of concepts
@@virtualasylum7013
My ex does the same after she left, I ponied up some support money to put her azz up in in a rental. Now I am right on time each month with the alimony.
You can't put worthless pieces of paper to better use than paying a narc for your peace.
Now I must stay in honor at all costs.
@@decoy2636 you are right about that....also nowadays women want to be pampered even when you are not together....alimony should be abolished...total bs...and I am a woman and feel bad for men in this greedy time we find ourselves
@@virtualasylum7013
Please don't feel sorry for me. If she had of tried just a little the rest of this life would have been spent with her.
I'm blessed to be able to buy my freedom from her.
No matter what she left, and wasn't gonna come back. Her keys didn't fit anyway.
Don't try to play a game with a narcissist...you can never win, because the game only really exists in their mind.
Growing up with a narcissist mother was tough. Whenever we played a game, she would upend the table and splatter the game everywhere when she didn’t win, or she felt like we were making her lose. She’d then run to her room and slam the door as hard as she could.
@@alexsinclaire8894 Ugh, how hideous. I actually didn't mean my comment literally though. I meant don't engage with the general mind games of a narcissist as you'll never win as there are no rules, there is no winner and the "game" doesn't exist outside the narcissist's own mind.
@Brad Mc can you train me ? I’m an empath ! I use to get hurt so badly but now I don’t care but I’m still holding on to this nothingness
@Brad Mc MVP!!! Give this guy a medal lol :D I would also like to cosign what you said about examining your own behaviors, patterns, unresolved trauma in addition to learning about their behaviors. The unhealthy empath can fall into being a "fixer" or "saver" whereas a healthy empath would probably keep maximum distance from that person. It's as much about us as it is about them. There is nothing wrong per se with a wounded empath who keeps falling for broken people, it's just misdirected love (wanting to be loved).
I don't know what to do about this nothingness the user above mentioned. I'm kind of in that place too about 2 years post exit. I don't trust anyone, not even warm-hearted people who see things through rose colored glasses.
@Brad Mc What’s an Apath? 🤔And how do I switch to it?😁
I have always called this technique of my NARC the "Bait and Switch." Sucks me into a conversation by being nice and as soon as I engage with his "bait" ...he switches to being evil! They're experts at this!
pamelagay12 ya same here, the " who me" is always the classic one, gets ya Everytime!
thank god ive now noticed this, im going to avoid her at all costs, she tries to buy me things and be my friend and im too nice so i engage and then everything goes downhill from there...no contact here i come😩😥😱💪
pamelagay12 my ex does this too !
Oh yes bait with sweetness....then destroy with insults. Why can't my other family members recognise what's going on....now I'm the bad person for protecting myself....gas lighting..... Its all there in the mix. So I refuse all contact.
Must be a Pam thing. That's my mom's technique.
I love that: OBSERVE don't ABSORB....So they become just like a feature film in front of you.
Ive found by going No Contact, there is no conflict and no explaining.
It's a Done Deal.
Thank you.
no gaslighting!
It is a simple and effective strategy. I have had to go NC on only two people in my life out of the many people I have met and associated with.
It truly does help but you still have to be aware of them hoovering.
Carol Loraine yes, yes! It simplifies everything.
cpht2000
Yes..after 4 mos no contact, I won't go back and have to start all over again. I admit I used to before watching great vids like this and finding the TRUTH!
Thanks for sharing!
Mine tried to suck me in a few months ago (after i "no contacted" him nearly 15 years ago) when texting to inform me of bad news about a mutual, life long friend. All of a suddend, he flips the switch and finds a way to go into full attack mode, assassinating my character and making accusations at me about how he THINKS I reacted/thought about these mutual friend's divorce over a decade ago. My first inclination, like always before, was to start drafting a text back, "correcting him"...for "the record" and defending myself. But one of the most empowering moments of my life was simply erasing that draft and discontinuing any reaction, engagement or conversation all together. Not even one more text to anounce that i was refusing to engage. Just mic drop. No fucks to give. No anger. No need to correct his "misunderstanding", misinterpretation or defend myself. I didnt give a fuck what he thought or was planning to tell others... just no fucks. So great.
Erin - yup. Give 'em 1X and you get 10X back and you have let them back in and the BS begins again. Starve them out. Give them NOTHING to go on. Let it die on the vine. Good job Erin. You have some wisdom now.
You are now free!!! Congrats:)
Erin Edney - Love it!! Yep, I’m in the same space. My current favorite meme is a Shakespearean man gesturing to a field and saying “Behold, the field in which I grow my fucks. Lay thine eyes upon it and thou shall see that it is barren.”
🤣💯🥳👑🥂
@@KJ99otis Oh yeah! One of my all time faves.....lol.
@@KJ99otis OMG, sooo stealing that! 😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆
They will isolate you so you only have them too tall to., and you can not share deep stuff because they use it against you like a cop.
Dez Therrien YES, indeed! The lengths that one former best friend/flying monkey/NPD went through to isolate me from a girlfriend I date and my parents in the form of shaming me for daring to interact with them, even though I was getting something out of it-- at the end with too many hints dropped it became obvious that he was interacting with these people and using my info against me like a cop. I've no proof of this for my gut says this has to be true considering how those people dealt with me while I was confiding to him. Too much good cop bad cop timing there too.
Good riddance to bad rubbish. That person is now someone I no longer deal with or call.
Wow sounds like my mom.
Wow, I think my mom's friend who was kind of my helper/care-taker did that years ago. She was also my mom's executor for when mom died but the situation wasn't working out. When I tried to take her (my mom's friend/possible narcissist) to court for something, she told my dad and my dad called me to try to get me to drop my lawyer. When that didnt' work, she went to my aunt and uncle so they would influence me to drop my lawyer. That didn't work either, but it got to where she was one of the very few people I had to talk to in town. It was hard, but I eventually was able to pull away from her influence. I did have one friend left to talk to, thank God
@@lynnwalker3503 Hope you are good and well now.
I'm doing better now than I was back then, thanks. Sometimes it's still hard for me because I remember how nice she was to me and mom when my mom was really sick. But when I think of those things, I just try to count my blessing @@deztherrien8700
The more I learn about NPD the more I see that this describes most of the people in my life. Gulp.
that is possible, but unlikely
Watch out when you begin to think everyone around you is a narcissist.
I feel you. Same.
@@SolidSiren They said, "Most of the people in their life," which, if their birth parent/s had NPD, is more likely than not.
"I don't know" and "I forgot". The only 2 phrases you need to talk to a narcissist.
Whatever works as well. Dont buy in.
hahahaha...good one! Point noted :) Thanks.
I was just kidding................errrrrrrr
Jin W. Mine is oh that’s too bad. Because they are always having one crisis or another.
1) flatter them (ironically, if you can keep from laughing). //. 2) Wear a watch or set an alarm on your phone, "sorry gotta run..."
If you ignore them they will send their flying monkeys to ask you to talk to them. Narcs need to talk to their victim as much as they need to breathe.
Poor sound quality
Yes, my ex uses my daughters, but they don't always fall for it. They are becoming wiser as they get older.
Yes, they need us more than we need them, in reality.
@@mistiroberts1576 x
Had this experience all emotional laden blackmail type stuff ...no & then again no
Don't allow anyone to control you through your emotions.
Control us *more through emotions. That’s literally the social media algorithm and dating apps effects on our system, race to the root of the nervous system. The USA, macroscopically , is kind of a paragon of abusive narcissism.
Absolutely.....
You are in control over your emotions...
I always tell people.....
"I'm The Boss of Me"
Works like a Charm every time...
They run for the Hills.......
Funny thing is they tell everyone to stay away from me......
Because I am Strong......
It's Great so anyone thinking about Fucking with me has already been warned........
I Love it...... All Manipulators Stay Far.... Far..... Away from me......
They can't stand Exposure..... LOL.....LOL.....LOL....
@@witchprojekt666 The algorithm? And not by people using catch-all terms like narccissist or algorithm which gets us riled up and angry towards something? But then what's the point of even calling it out, that's an easy way to paint a scapegoat on your forehead?
@@KucheKlizmaI get what you're saying. It really annoys me when people just reflexively blame "They", "the system", "Biden", "Obama", "Trump", "the algorithm",... or suddenly anyone they dislike is a "narcissist".
That said, there's some truth as far as social media and UA-cam shorts/Tik Tok. It's habit forming because it manipulates us on a targeted emotional level.
Including the media, medical professionals, church leaders, teachers, professors, bosses, etc. Every human is born with dignity. Anything or anyone that tries to diminish that dignity is a red flag. Each person gets to choose for themselves.
"Don't you want to talk to me? Why couldn't we talk?"
And there you are again, in a 4h nonsense session, resolving nothing.
So very true… a complete waste of time and energy.
When you're honestly being harmed by someone you would give your life if necessary to protect them from harm will leave you for dead.
You simply can't have any expectation of meeting in the middle because there is no existing common ground and after decades leaves you an ugly resentful person you don't like to see in the mirror when you shave. Knowing now I was half the blame for not kicking her to the curb decades ago when my gut feeling was to do just that helps me forgive her for leaving me and being so cruel about it. I just couldn't leave her all those years ago in the same manner.
We're knowing now. I didn't protest her leaving like I have done in the past. I don't know how many times she would be packing her stuff and I would start throwing my shit in garbage bags too. She would stop to watch me as I dumped drawers full in the sacks. The first time I did that she wanted to know what I was doing and I asked her where we were moving to because I was going too. After all that if I had of known all the daily I love you with all my heart sayings were a lie I sure would have left. Hope keeps people trapped when the want change in the one they love. If I had of had a spouse that wanted me to do good there's no way to tell what the limit would have been.
Its like youve been anchored fishing and forget to pull anchor when you crank up and leave for a better spot. The boat struggles but can't get on top to plane out. We stop and weigh anchor then.
Why we stay in a struggle like that for decades is mind boggling.
You have a relationshit with a narc, point blank.
Peace comes with forgiveness and that's the ticket to ditch resentment.
Peace
My mom said, "you aren't shutting your heart to me, are you?" Implying I was some, broken, heartless person. She was shifting the blame to me. Or she would sit me down and accuse me, say all kinds of messed up things about me as a person. We were Christians and she would use the Bible to threaten me. I'm only know coming to the reality of the abuse at 31 years old.
Yeah "we need to talk"
"There is nothing to talk about"
They say "yes there is. The way you wear your shirt untucked upsets me"
Or
"You are looking at the water from the wrong angle and it's an insult to me"
Weird creepy conversations about random problems
Yeah! Fucking hours! Circular frustrating conversations, about the same stupid issue she came up with all over again. Her: "But I don't want to hurt you, are you sure we should meet again?"
Me: ok. So let's cancel, as you wish.
Her: "what? So you're saying you don't want me anymore?"
YADA YADA YADA.
I was always very proud of our "ability" to talk for HOURS. I was convinced it's a sign of our unbreakable bond.
After the discard, I almost got lost in the Brain fog she left me with. I realized we were talking about absolutely NOTHING. Nothing substantial, except her of course. Her feelings, my feelings towards her, her her her her.
Fucking nightmare.
It's TRUE. They are very controlling. When I started pushing back and saying no, that's when he started fighting with me. As long as I did what he wanted, unconsciously, he was fine.
I'm going through that now
@@elidae2018 you might find that you are suddenly discarded. Literally you will be like a stranger to them. It is traumatising.
A few years ago. I watched one of your videos on covert narcissism. I'll never forget that last sentence, which was.
" I you uncover a covert narcissist. RUN! but run quietly".
I did run, very quietly.
Mr Rosenberg. YOU saved me from many tears of loneliness and misery. Thank you!!
From Angela.
From England.
I would love to meet you one day.🤗💗
Thank you so much for sharing this and your support. 💙
Thank you! Very interesting.
My ex was covert too and I lost custody to him, and he alienated my daughter.
I unloaded everything. And I'm a f'ng real bad ass, known to hold POISON on my tongue 🐍 Lose to none (narcissistc trait?)
Must've hurt like hell, those visceral words stuck in the family chat "forever".
No problem. See, the coverts are the fakest of all people, seriously. Because they neurologically do not care about others(except for supply), but they have also been conditioned to be "the good child" from the beginning. Meaning outwardly they cannot go against the protocol that made them mommys favourite child. They simply have to "be good", meaning they don't dare to come at you, no matter what.
But internally they ARE ON FIRE🔥👹🔥
And it's their own fault, for not being honest and sincere about their emotional life, or rather, the self-interested emotional chaos that substitutes it.
Remember, suffering ends when we become totally and utterly done with it. When we decidedly choose not to suffer anymore. Narcissists don't love themselves, therefore they keep suffering and that's OK! Life teaches us, God tries us.
Anybody else run across narcissists who label OTHERS as narcissists ?
Projection , I guess ....but it IS a phenomena !
Yes, yes, YES!!! The biggest narc I know goes around labelling everyone else a narcissist. It's like adding insult to injury and it drives me mad. Combined with the abuse, it's making me seriously consider going NC.
Oh yes I’ve known several
If you don't consider that you may be the narcissist...
Joe King yeah just go
Jackie Ann they are even dangerous because they think they are not narcissistic. 😱😱😱
My ex narcissist used to send me texts beginning, "How are you doing Ger?" If I replied, and I always did really quickly initially, I'd enquire as to how they were doing and thus would begin the veiled requests for money or help or sympathy or praise. I never expected what happened. I really loved this person, helping them out in every way possible. I cringe at the texts I sent. They've kept them. They even recorded a phone call I made to cut this whole thing off. No more allowing them to get to me.. I've blocked the narc everywhere. Now they cannot hurt me. My narcissist destroyed my name and reputation, telling everyone that I am a liar. Total destruction. However they still try to get to me because that's how they exact vengeance. Please people, be strong. Don't fall in love with a narcissist. Even if you are lonely, as I was at 55 years of age, do NOT subjugate yourself to be in someone's life if they abuse you. Bless anyone who got to read this far. 🙏✨😊
Nothing lonelier than being with someone who doesn't care about you. Best of luck to you may you know freedom and peace
He relentlessly accused me of things I never did! But whenever I confronted him for the horrible things he was caught doing he would go into a rage!
I thought I married an angel but in time I realized I was dancing with the devil!
Thanks so much for sharing Barbara! In case you haven't watched it yet, there is a part 2 for this video: ua-cam.com/video/2_2xxuOEsZo/v-deo.html
My ex narc would accuse me of lying all the time!! He was always so paranoid and always thought I was going to cheat on him. :( he knew how upset it made me that he’d call me a liar too.
He is constantly accusing me of being unfaithful. I have never been with another man. I was a virgin when we met! I don't get where he gets his ideas from. I don't even leave the house most of the time.
@@candacecasey5634 SAME SAME!! He used to always call me “sus” and “you’re acting weird” AND ID LITERALLY JUST BE SITTING ON MY BED.
@@candacecasey5634 keep watching these and Dr. Ramani’s videos and you will not only understand, you will also break free from all those unhealthy feelings he is making you feel. No need to live in confusion island anymore 👍🏻😉
“It’s never too late to be the person you should have been”. B. Shaw.
Wow man. That was amazing.
Thank You.
"It's never too late to be who you might have been" ~ George Eliot (pen-name of 19th cen. English writer, Mary Ann Evans).
This is the mantra of a diagnosed narcissist I met. He wants to be important, successful, better than anyone else... and his need for this never stop.
If we could be in peace with who we are, we could be free.
AMEN, Sharone.
How can I compete w/family member of another religion... I’m married to this persons father! My life at 82 very challenged by this person I’ll title as a Pious Narcissistic Jewish (should be) step-son. I’m a wife, caregiver, grandmother, greatgrandmother, best frien for 38 yrs to my Jewish husband... honored the Jewish tradition/religion, as a Christian. This person lost his mother at an early age. I’m distancing as much as possible... I really enjoyed your words of wisdom in this video.thank you.
I think George Eliot (a woman) said that.
My ex used my compassionate nature against me last time to draw me back in, I had to research, research, research to understand they study us ,like a lion studies its prey . You have to be wise as a serpent but gentle like a dove just like The Bible says 🙏
Thanks for sharing Rach. In case you haven't watched it yet, there is a part 2 for this video: ua-cam.com/video/AgSLzdhLEC4/v-deo.html
The narc is a hyena not a lion.
Jesus Christ said it.
Amen!
Oh here we go, a bible verse. LMAO
Oh man, the amazing euphoric feeling I had recently when I was able to avoid all my narc ex's attempts to reel me back in, induced conversation, eye contact, attention seeking attempts. I was on such a high that night realising I was finally strong and finally free. There is nothing like that feeling of standing in your power and knowing your worth!
I'm so very proud of you, Sonja! 🤗
Just don't grow stony and brittle. It's a lifetime art learning to give & take in the correct proportions, to be closed & open.
Good luck in your path.
@@poetsrear yeah I've been very jaded since but I feel like I need to close down for a bit anyway, to heal. Opening again slowly but surely. Thank you!
The best defense is avoidance! Never, never, never engage them, or allow them to engage you. They will throw all sorts of bait out there, just don't fall for it!
Juliabel GA Peach I have a narcissistic friend. She comes into my house without being announced and when she gets here and I am taking a nap ( a have a 12 months old baby who wakes up during the night) she start judging me for being sleeping. She says: oh, every time I come you are sleeping. What the hell you are doing? You suppose to sleep in the night and the baby too! I never saw anything like this! And bla bla bla
what should I do?
Hard when you're married to it.
Dont give them oxygen whenever they try to make contact.When smiles don't work you can be sure aggression will follow then reverse psychology.Ignore it all or you're damned.
It gets worse if you're married to that person....
Cannot avoid them, either take legal action if u have money or go invisible if they are too powerful to handle... that's the kind i dealt with... too influential and powerful to get things done... pretended to be sober and dumb though.... it can freak anyone out to know that u can experience at home what 2 political rival experience in their field of work... but of different sorts...
One thing that will always drive a narcissist crazy: SILENCE
Yes! I learned that as a little girl. It was the only weapon I had against my mother but it worked so well!
Number Space. Well then,l’am on the right track,using the no contact rule. Your comment just encouraged me again. Thanks
I use this at work. He almost climb the walls in rage. He yelled at me last week: WHY ChOoSE A JOb LIkE ThiS WHEN YOU ARE NOT SOciAL??!!?!
@@Mortequal Ignore him. He only cares for himself and Karma will catch up with him.
Number Space ...Indeed ! In addition, they have to do things to purposely irritate you, in order to get you to speak to them or engage with them ! An example - blasting the TV when you are trying to read, so you will have to speak with them to "lower the volume"...and other things to irritate !
My Narc's favorite tactic was to get me trapped in a vehicle with him and bash away. I will never get into a car with him again.
That's was my "best friend did". acted like we were gonna hang out and I would help her do a tik tok dance. Decided to got to target together and then just let loose
Same here. He does not drive but will get in a car w me & my daughter and immediately start shit. Took me a while to realize he would do it because he had me trapped.
When it's family, they will Invite you over, get you at the dinner table, then in the middle of the meal, unleash. I totally agree... no car, no house visit if it's family. Nope, never again. I subjected myself to abuse like this until our parents died. After the last parent died. I vowed to never, ever put myself in their "setting" again. It's been almost 10 years. I Love them. However these boundaries I set, I never regretted a day of doing so. Love them from a distance if their family. You will be so much happier. 😃❤☀️
There was a time my narc had me trapped in the car, degrading me, just exploding. He wouldn’t let me out of the vehicle. I literally downed an entire bottle of xans i was driven so mad. I knew it was the only way I could get out of the car. Totally unlike me, I literally just went mad. I’m ashamed now that I look back.
My husband does the same thing in a car.
This might sound strange but when I began to completely imitate and model my whole personality around Spock and Vulcan behavior, I noticed that I became living kryponite to all narcissists lol
Thanks for sharing! 🙂
What is Spock and Vulcan ?
They defy all logic. I don't think they care!
@@malibu-malik characters in Star Trek
So like an Aspie?
'its never too late to be the person that you could have been' thank you x
60 yrs old and financially trapped. Can't get a job even though qualified experienced great references etc. So sometimes it is too late
@Robin Antonio yes I know what you mean, but there is always something wonderful about to happen. X
@@robinantonio8870That's really tough. As much regular self-care and emotional disconnect from the narcissist in your life as is possible can help restore inner peace to you.
I wish they had Ytube 40 years ago. It took me decades to figure out what you said in a 16-minute video.
I needed this
Trust me, once you go no contact, peace returns QUICKLY to your mind and life.
How do I deal with this no contact an yet I hear them non stop?I hear him non stop ..bullsh help?
@@elizabethmeyers5890 The key is to overcome each argument and insult that they bring to you. Face them all and remember that the person behind the voice is an insecure adult-child that refused to grow up whilst you are a perfectly normal and healthy person that they have corrupted.
Challenge their idea of you with your knowledge of yourself. They can't know you more than you know yourself, so remember the idea of who you were, a normal and healthy person that was not what they have now made you to believe.
Enter into calm and focused debate with the negative internal voice using this mindset and you will surely start to heal.
Think of it like getting rid of an illness. You gotta take medicine over a period of time to heal. Some illnesses require more medicine and time than others, but the fact of the matter is that you will still heal.
Take your time and overcome each insult or accusation that they bring to your mind.
As you do this more and more, you will start to see yourself in a fantastic light and the voice in your head in a pitiful light (Yes, the voice and the person behind it would be so pathetic then that you will actually pity them. Don't console them though).
You are strong and amazing and they are not. That's why they are trying or have tried to reduce your shine that whatever little they have could be noticed than your own light. It is the way of a coward, bully, and an overall emotionally underdeveloped child that refused to grow up.
Take it little by little and you will be fine.
PS: "This is from my experience, not hearsay. This has worked for me and I pray that it works for you too. "
@@patman_for_sure reading this helped a lot thanks
@@Hotlinedetail I'm glad to hear that.
I wish you well on the path to your healing.
@@patman_for_sure still in the thick of it..
It's Never too late to be the person you Should have been!!
I started counseling at 16, I'm now 63 and still wondering who I should have been.
There is no such thing.
No contact is so hard bc you've become programmed to care about their perception of your silence. Even when they destroy us, we still care about their feelings & try to avoid hurting them bc we cannot control that we possess empathy even when we shouldn't. Silence & abandonment hurts us so we merely assume that it would hurt the narcissist on the same level. It doesn't. But yet bc we still love and care for them, we still try to save them by being their therapist, best friend, ride or die & punching bag. It's 1 big mind fuck! No longer caring about the narcissist's perception of you, your actions, your silence and your boundaries is true FREEDOM!
This is the exact problem I'm having...ive come to rely on his validation n it's destroying me...i don't understand how I can know so much about narcissism n STILL be in this mess...im trying so hard to get away but when I try it makes him that much more cruel n he says the most horrific shit that no person in the world should say to another human being...n then I stay stuck bc I want him to stop n then I feel worse about myself for allowing him to get away with it...im at a loss n he wins again👿💔💔😪
krῖstῖͷ lεῖgh - me too - I hated being trapped in my own perpetuating behaviour. After years, I came across self hypnosis and it got me out of my codependency. Perhaps try it - search online for instructions.
You make a really interesting point regarding how we want them to see our silence. We care so much about them, we want to tell them it’s okay, we don’t want to see them sad even if they are the ones causing us torment, pain and sadness. I’ve found myself praying for this person AFTER they block me ( discard ), and hoping they will be okay. It’s ridiculous and we ser ourselves on fire to keep them warm.
@@Jool005 I definitely will check that out...thank u!!!!
@@Jool005 I'm so glad u mentioned the codependency aspect of it bc I forgot all about that part...that's absolutely what I need to work on!!
I can’t tell you how many times I have told my horrible malignant narcissist sister that “this isn’t a discussion, I’m telling you what is happening. Your input is not required or wanted “.
Thank you so much for sharing! In case you haven't watched it yet, there is a part 2 for this video: ua-cam.com/video/2_2xxuOEsZo/v-deo.html
@@SideB1984You sound like the person they are trying to disengage with. Probably hit a nerve with your narc tendencies. Might wanna do something about that. Cheers!
@JaspyBear that's um... that's the _idea_
@JaspyBear
Jaspy proving narcissists are not anywhere near as smart as they think they are
Honestly this sounds like something a narc would say.
“Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.”
Gems.
I finally cut off my toxic family & found peace.
Your whole family is toxic?
Matt 7:6 Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.
My dad is a covert narc and I didn’t realize this for a long time… 9 months no contact. He loved this quote..he would say it himself. About the pig…
I cut off my three siblings and it gets lonely on the holidays in year 6 of this, but the reward of it is worth the price to me as a dude. Keep hanging in there, beautiful Rachel... Like myself, you deserve BETTER too. (I'd rather be alone at times talking to wall than EVER talking to people like THOSE again!).
I finally arrived from the other end of the tunnel, myself, and I never want to go back to that DARKNESS again
PS--thanks for phrasing Dr Ross here on his awesome recollection of that George Bernard Shaw saying... I'm done "wrestling with pigs" by accident giving them ENTERTAINMENT... As they said in the movie "War Games" in it's conclusion, "THE ONLY WINNING MOVE IS NOT TO PLAY THE GAME!"
It feels good to become aware of the hidden forces behind their words and take our power back from them even before it starts... Their words are never to be taken at face value, there's always an agenda
Well explained for the average person to grasp the concept; ( a fish gets hooked when it opens up its mouth). Thank you for your insight.
So glad it was helpful Frank! In case you haven't watched it, there is a part 2 for this video: ua-cam.com/video/2_2xxuOEsZo/v-deo.html
Great expression
I've learned to wear a metaphorical ball gag
I didn't realise the damage he has been doing to me until now that I'm seeing all the patterns. My heart is so broken , I'm so angry that a person could be this evil.
Pray
I'm so sorry, I'm going thru it too but im getting out... they r evil , they get worse much worse with age.
Fire Bird: I know! I put all my
Faith, love and trust in this
Very sick charming person.
He is so deranged that he has
Lost everything. Now he is
Prowling for very sick lonely
Women taking their life
Savings from them.
I went looking for the meaning of the word ‘gaslighting’ and a light went on...ALL the patterns fell into sight and I couldn’t believe I wasn’t alone, thinking I was going insane all by myself....How can there be soooooo many of these folks who are passive aggressive COVERT narcissist ruining our innocent lives...I fell in love of someone I thought I knew...
Not evil. Mentally ill.
Codependents, you have power... the power of self love... in or out of a relationship 🙏🏽 For ANYONE that needed to hear that.
Thank you! 💙
🙏🏽💯🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️
Thank you
Thank you! Love you!
Thank you! 50 years this August married to my Covert Narcissist wife. Yes, way too many years . I was planning to leave 30 years ago, and 1 week before leaving I was sitting at a red light and a guy hit from behind, he was doing 55mph, this was 6 months after a Laminectomy Disectomy @L5-S1.
I have been living in hell ever since. I'm 71 and would love to be free of this life. Thanks again for all prayers and support. I love people and life but she has run away all my friends.
This is so true! I also believe the best way to handle a narcissist is to stay numb around them. So, they can't affect you.
Still numb tho. 6 moths after
What do you mean by numb.. I am from Morocco
@@othmane-mezian It means to stay calm and relaxed; not displaying anxiety, interest, or enthusiasm around them.
Thank you so much
@@glowinthedarkministry
@@othmane-mezian My pleasure.
They always play the “Victim “Card Oh my gosh for a second there I was questioning myself if I was the Narcissist ?!! Very Toxic people !! NO CONTACT and lots of Self Love & Most important a relationship with GOD
That experience was brutal, painful, and spiritually enlightening...
The fact you question yourself assures you are not the one with a problem.
Same. I can relate to this to a T!
@@dorisbarnett3868 how much I hope that is true....
I've been surrounded by these people all my 58 years.
Idk how many times I've questioned myself as I have traits of all 3 of the dark triad along with buckets of empathy.
Understand why another can question themselves too made me relate that here.
I just can't let the thought I might be a narc rule my thoughts although your comment was a trigger today.
You're not a narc in mhop because they go silent and can not talk about it. They certainly wouldn't dare to comment publicly about the possibility of being a narc.
I wish anyone reading this the strength to get through the Thanksgiving holiday gatherings this next week. All the strength one can muster is needed when surrounded by toxic people. They're gonna be saying I love you instead of the truth which i that they love to hurt you.
That’s exactly what the narc did to me - made me question myself and wonder if *I* was the narc. I wonder if that’s what they subtly do.....?
Narcissism is rampant. I’m so glad this is getting more attention, I’ve been with a narcissist for 39 years, first 20 didn’t really see it, took the next 19 to realize what was going on, I need out! It’s a psychological nightmare. 😡
My daughter is in therapy.
My turn.
Thanks for sharing Christine.
looks like you were enjoying a little..don't get me wrong but 39 years it is a lifetime
@@naturalianossyeah it IS. And WE do not “enjoy” one bit of it. Iv been financially abused for years with no where to go. I’ve TRIED. Sickness has not helped. Do you have ANY idea what it is to be in this prison? The depression and self hate about throwing away your life sucks you into hopelessness. That was a horrible thing to say.
I reported the troll for bullying. I understand how you feel.@@kathymyers7279
Hope you can find a good therapist but I'm under the impression most of them don't get it either. After 2 1/2 years of realizing this narc business I'm finding ways to cope but not letting the idea go to leave. It's taking time to make that happen but might be all the sanity I'll actually find when it's all over.
Thank you Holy Spirit For giving me discernment on this precise topic. I had to see thru new eyes before i realized the dynamic i was immersed in.
Amen. Praise God 🙏
Amen
AlittleFurther AlmostThere. YES! I believe the Holy Spirit has been with me the entire time . A huge growth cycle.
Real Eyes, Realize Real Lies
This video is so good. No cheesy motivational sayings, no flowery words, not overly-academic either. Just plain and simple explanations ... I am so thankful
The best is when you reflect on "the good times with the narc," but can't think of one or a many good times with them. Really makes cutting ties a lot easier.
@George Fulmer You will be in my prayers. I hope all goes well for you, no contact pays off in the long run.
Funny & True. 😆
o my god, this is true lol
100%
They’re are literally none. Never happy, always stressed, pity party, self loathing or extreme grandiosity-Every interaction with them=not normal!!
Love this video. Like you say, it’s never too late! I have just started my journey to self love! I’m 65! Thank you.
Good for you. I wish you happiness and good health. 🌺 I’m 56 and still entangled, but milliseconds away from getting free.
Much appreciated. I wish the same for you too. It’s all about self love/self respect. Even with that, it can be very hurtful. Look after yourself. 🌺
Me too
You do not look 65...must eat him up inside at some level to know that. I suspect he views your looks as a threat given the shallow level a narc operates at. In his mind looks give you options other than him.
Congratulations!
I am a late diagnosis Autist. My narcissistic Sociopath mother killed my baby brother in front of me and then blamed me when the police came for her. I was still a toddler, so they didn't believe her. However, when she came back from the mental institute, I was so terrified that she'll kill me too, I started "fawning" which became my default. After being married twice, both times to "strong women" I realised that my response is half the problem. Sad thing is, the last marriage left me destitute and mentally broken, so I ended up back with my now elderly N.S. mother and I'm completely dependent on her. My disorder makes keeping a job really hard and South Africa has an unemployment rate of over 30%, so I do not have much hope of becoming independent. When I disengage, she gets her boyfriend to draw me back in. She's really good at manipulation. So, thank you for reminding me again not to engage.
This is so awful! How are you now?
DO NOT ENGAGE!
Jesus fucking Christ, man.
Learning about a narcissist weapons will help protect us from their evil.
@R Horn Just keep plugging away at it. Watch videos, listen to meditations, and don't forget to feel your feelings (REALLY important to do) - you can do this, you can get over him/her. Realize it was not real but simply an illusion. That realization alone was enough for me to say 'I'm done!" You can do it one minute at a time. Sending good wishes your way.
So EVIL, it seems genetic as it runs in families.
@R Horn Theres something more going on in the unseen realms. The conviction they have when they hurt people is not human. Our empathy attracts them, we have to learn to set boundaries, THEY HATE when we finally learn to set boundaries and keep them out by responding and not reacting. I spent months researching and distancing myself, the hoovering never stopped up till her new BF a few weeks ago (which I do not envy, yet sypathize for what he will soon go through). Check out my video on the subject. My relationship woke me up to the reality that not everyone sees other humans as we do, some see them as objects to use for their own gain. We have to guard ourselves from those who seek to manipulate us with their illusory realities. Good luck.
@P. Taylor u mean it sounds like commercial, l thought like a slogan...on the banner.
UNLEASHING POTENTIAL - PSYCHOLOGY VIDEOS : They are truly EVIL!!! I am divorcing one.
Ref 1:52 - "Never wrestle with the pig. You get dirty; and besides, the pig likes it!"
--George Bernard Shaw
Haha, how smart and true is the quote! I love it! And I'll have to keep reminding myself of it!!!
I like that
Pigs always get a bad rap, actually they are gentle and lovable creatures.Their rolling in the mud is the equivalent of a facial mud pack for their whole body.
@@kirstysewell367 Yeah, but that makes me cry now. I feel so helpless and it feels like he's sucking all the life out of me. It feels like dying.
I do love this quote❣️
"They know every inch of the ring"
Damn. That hit different. I didn't even think about the fact that he has 30 years of experience in doing this. There's nothing that I could say that would trip him up because he's been doing this his whole life.
Well said! In case you haven't watched it yet, there is a part 2 for this video: ua-cam.com/video/2_2xxuOEsZo/v-deo.html. Thanks for the support!
A man moved into my apartment complex. He instantly focused on me, initially standing on his patio, looking at me while pulling his shorts down with a big grin. Then, whenever he saw me coming and going, he would dash across the complex, attempting to get me to talk to him; his exaggerated interest in me was ridiculous, and his flirting was sickening. During this time, I remembered what I had learned about "induced conversation with Ross. "THANK YOU ROSS!"
He heard my voice once when he cornered me on the sidewalk, telling me that he walked every day. I responded with "good" as I stepped away. Once he finally realized that I was never going to give him the attention he was demanding, he went into a full-blown rage and harassed me at the mailbox whenever he caught me there. I've mastered the art of ignoring this man whose name I don't even know. It really destroys his ego. The maintenance man inadvertently walked into one of the traps he laid for me and confronted him. Things are much better now.
😮sounds quite scary. Its brilliant you handled it all and are safe.🙏
@@patduffyforever Thank You! I had no choice but to handle it; at one point, I almost broke my lease. But then I decided I wasn't going to run. Narcs are everywhere, and I am done running from them. Besides, I really like this apartment I have.
@@cynthiadidier977 amazing. Good for u .😊
He sounds nuts and dangerous. I’d report these incidents. Not normal.
@@jp5419 the man is back to his nutty behavior. And the maintenance man and him are buddies now.????
He blocked my car as I was attempting to leave .He kept stopping and starting looking back at me in a full blown rage, finally exiting and driving down the wrong side of the highway. Today I filled out the form to petition the court for a order of protection.
They are evil, spawn from the fallen angels
My mum is one, and I’ve had one in my life for 40 years.
5 years of life without one, now. I’m starting the healing process only now 🙏🙌❤️🥰
Fallen angel=weak dna
Very evil, they are trying to separate us from our free will. I had one try to hypnotize me more than once. Not a pleasant feeling knowing someone wants to take away your ability to choose your own future.
quasimobius not good, glad you got away 🙏
Me too 39. Its ok
Good for you - keep going forward
I finally reached the stage where I told him, I don't care anymore. Nothing you can say will hurt me. And I drove to the lawyers.
Then took half his money?
Good Yeoman she probably makes more anyway
Amanda M. That is usually the case. It definitely was with me.
Amanda M.
MaryAnne Brown
Sure do!!☺️👍
@@goodyeoman4534 not very sensitive! You're on the wrong channel!
Bless you and other psychologists who are trying to help people with your UA-cam content. I'd actually go mad if it wasn't for you, Doctor Ramani and Kati Morton. ❤️
I love them all too, Batel Skater is awesome also
Same here
❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉amen
I prefer to watch Jay Reid, DarrenFMagee, Támara Hill and Patrick Teahan
I deeply appreciate the term „codependent prey“, because it tells it very quickly who I really had become and helps get a very honest look at my own self. It helps look straight in the mirror, give myself empathy and gather ways to strengthen myself to start straining towards self-love and freeing myself from this very serious addiction which co-dependency is…
Yes! Dont share how your feeling, dont explain yourself or try and defend yourself.....its so very hard when your confused and trying to figure out who this person turned out to be! Once the pattern becomes evident by you! I thought I was missing a huge part! Why did my husband start to have tantrums and physically turn into a sulky, tantrum, rage! Everytime I said the word "no". Everytime I once again was baited to listen for sometimes 5, 6 ,7 ..days of his emotions and needs not being met..ugh! I learned to just be quiet. It's so hard and painful to just listen when I was tricked into trusting him. Tricked into sharing my deepest feelings and past. Omg what a mistake!!I finally found this chanel....I had to trust my body to tell me it was reacting to his horrible behavior. It's so hard but your right....he is so hard and exhausting. I'm learning. Thank you thank you. I've blocked his phone...only communicate through emails ...in my weak state of expressing my reason for distance. I'm planning an exit now. He continues to try and play on my heart by repeating he loves me and if I dont come home how can he show me he's changed. It's now a gross feeling hearing him say the words I love you. Yep, everytime I start to feel I miss the kind face he put on to get me to marry him I watch a video like this. Its hurtful but I'm getting stronger by these videos.
Are you ok now?
"I needed to hate you to love me." I understand what that means now! Once the SLDD stops caring and loves oneself, the game is OVER
Love you too :)
Avoid them like the plague. Don't get sucked into their mind games and misery. Silence is an excellent tool when they start tearing you down. Don't personalize it. It's them not you.
that what i do...I dont play the game anymore
After a lifetime of manipulation and physical and emotional abuse, and 2 months ago a horrifying letter from my mother filled with verbal abuse and slander towards me, my parents want to “meet to resolve our issues”. This video is helping me realize how useless this would’ve been.
This advice is correct.
The conversation they lure you into will end up with them winning over you once again. I went through this many a time.
I know what it was all about now.
I think UA-cam is the real reason I'm single 17 years🙈all these kind of videos frighten me enough to stay alone.
INDUCED CONVERSATION!!!! This is the term I've been looking for! Thank u
So glad it was helpful!! In case you haven't watched it yet, there is a part 2 for this video: ua-cam.com/video/2_2xxuOEsZo/v-deo.html
Thank you!
OMG TY!! I have learned to limit my conversations with my Narc to one word response (if necessary.) He seemed fine with my new boundary at first, but then out of the blue one afternoon he said, "I saw your slipper behind the bed, in case you're looking for it." His tone was very nonchalant, as if we were just another couple engaging in normal chitchat. But I told myself; there's no necessity to respond to his comment, and I can't see any benefit to my wellbeing in responding...so I didnt. Ty Dr Ross
My mother was a narcissist. I married a narcissist. I finally was able to break away from him, my mother died some years ago, but that didn't ended it. The ex-husband I finally severed ties completely but I had to give up some of my kids because they were on his side. I felt so free when I finally severed ties with him completely.. Miss my 'lost" kids tho.
That's exactly what happened to me, too. My grown adult kids are just like him and his flying monkeys. I had to leave them all.
I know exactly what you mean because I lost my kids to a malignant narcissist, also. It hurt me because he had power and money.
@@yeswing10 I do understand because the same thing happened to me.
You are not alone, God is with you. I'm a survivor.
Unfortunately, this is also my situation. He made three times the money that I did (because teaching is not a "real" job) and took the kids on vacations, trips, bought them stuff that I couldn't. Twisted their minds ("your mother abandoned us"). No, I left an abusive alcoholic.
Thanks for everything Ross
I found a Word last night that I’d like to share:
From Jesus for all of us 🤗❤️✝️
Titus 3:10-11
Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned.
Amen. You can be sure. And be free.
Blessings
Amen!
Paul contradicts Lord Yeshua ('Jesus') in fatal ways. Nietshe calls Saul/Paul the Antichrist. I agree. Lord Yeshua and His Parent says "Judge not lest ye be judged" So, what did meditation ('prayer') teach you about this?
@@udhiw.4663 we are to guard our hearts
@@udhiw.4663 The phrase "Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged" is over used.
We must judge things and situations on a continuous basis in daily life. It's called Discernment. We discern a situation or person....is this safe?...is this a good person or not, ( could be a narc in disguise ). We do have to make many little and big decisions. We have to sometimes use gut feeling, discernment, and make a judgement whether it is good for us or not. IMO.
@@yeshuasaves2314 Thanks for that. I feel that what was translated into "judge not" really meant "condemn not", don't you?
Did he say, "Self-love deficient" is the way he says co-dependent? That's the best description I've ever heard.
for me it was self defense less. Living with this kind of perversion from very young taught me to not value myself, that I had no right to defend myself. I was singled out for sexual abuse, assaulted and looking back I see that when I sensed danger I shut down and even left my body. I never fought back. Now I am old and they are dead to me. I hope the young people don't get fooled for long with help available online and in groups. Once, recently. I pretended to be really going along with a man telling me I was imagining things and trying to get me to fight, pretended to be scared and upset then burst out laughing. He just lost his mask. I don't think it was smart, it just happened.
FinnishMasseuse thank you for never giving up.
It may sound harsh but, I treat them like they do not exist and turn off all emotions when they are near. Sometimes, just saying "hello" will get them started. They might act up for awhile with the hope of getting you to react but, they usually look for someone else out of the frustration of being rejected. Ross, you are absolutely correct! 💛
Thanks for sharing!
I have 8 more years after 27. I have narrowed it down to email only. He is at the moment insisting on a call. I literally have the shakes because he is in my head. I will take this withdrawal though over the recovery from one call with him regarding the children. This is insidious and very real and I cannot tell you enough how your videos and others are keeping me and my children sane, and safe. God bless you.
PS. Add to the list, they also want hate & anger as a response. It feeds them. Be completely unemotional, like a robot that Dr Ross mentioned.
Also, see if you can come to a place of wanting nothing from them, not as hatred (they love hatred) but as a means of not being under their power. When we want sth from them, such as stopping a certain behavior, we have given them power as that means it their behavior determines how we feel so they'll be in control.
My best advice is keep your feet on the ground (literally feeling your feet on the ground & imagine roots going down into earth like a tree, this will ground you & anchor you), being still & aware. EFT is very helpful also. 'lots of videos in UA-cam on hiw to do this) 🙂
Above all, BE STRONG.
I can't do that!
And then they accuse you of being a cold person with no feelings - but take it as a compliment, 'cause even that accusation is intended to get you to react.
Not unemotional. Just very, very calm.
@@69LOLIN I used to think exactly like you & I couldn't. Then after 5-6 years of constant abuse, I had to learn the hard way. What they love the most is a REACTION & making you angry. Trust me. If you can, get Dr Bach Rescue Remedy (it's a flower essence remedy made of 5 flower essences which you take 4 drops up to even 15 minutes or minimum 4drops x4 times a day). This really helped me but you have to take it regularly. If you find it helps you, it's cheaper to buy the individual essences & make your own dosage bottle, Google Bach flower remedy preparing a dosage bottle. Normally it's 2 drops added to pure water & teaspoon of brandy but for Rescue Remedy its 4 drops). You can do it xx
You can still feel emotions. You just can't transmit them. It really shuts down their emotional vampirism. Quite satisfying, actually.
My ex would act and talk extremely rude to me and when I would eventually stand up for myself (sometimes not soo politely) she'd say "Your just trying to start a Fight!" Its as if she had selective memory loss about how she'd been treating me.
This is my daily life. He displays protest behaviour when he’s resentful about something instead of telling me. Mostly because it will make him feel like a bad guy, which is his greatest fear. So he dances on the edge of rude and nice, waiting for me to notice and take the bait. If I bite, the floodgates suddenly open and he says I’m too confrontational and emotionally exhaust him. He says I have too many needs. I’m too demanding.
They play by "rules for thee but not for me." They can't stand to be treated the way they treat others. So they know what they do isn't right. I highly recommend zero interaction with them.
@@kbs1212OMG🙄Hope you find peace.
Reading this just gave me an epiphany. Idk about the toxic people in you all’s life. But the guy that comes to mind for me: not that smart, no money, not very handsome. He has to figure out some way to get people to pay attention to him. This is his only desperate option. Manipulation. Pitiful.
This is exactly what I have done to me on a regular basis and it’s infuriating.
Don’t let them control the narrative or the conversation. Say very early “no” 😆...I can laugh at this now. I’m out of the dark appreciating every day in the sun 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛
So glad!
Nice going 😎
Learning how to say no, gave all the power to me.
Did you suffer residual depression after no contact?
@@mariamalhotra8228
Not to steal the post but relief came after forgiveness.
Most of all after forgiving myself for my half of the dance.
“IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO BE THE PERSON YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN” From Asturias(Spain). Thank you!
This is very correct. The poison is in the conversation. The content of the conversation usually makes little sense but you never the less find yourself right back with them after the conversation. I noticed this strange pattern over the years. It's very peculiar. It's really a spell like experience more than a conversation but it's happening on a spiritual level.
@velveteyes79 again exactly what I wrote to the last narcissist who just left the stage of my life.
I told him you try to push my buttons. Btw the day he approached me he said he was spiritual. They work like mediums psychics they ask you questions you begin to tell thinking they show interest and they use the information. In my case he took a role of 'guide'.
I told him I am my own guide. Lost grip. It was fooled but okay I forgive myself.
Yes this is true. Its awful
It is a spell they use tone of voice and eye contact like a snake will hypnotize prey.
Have you any more insight on language used by them?
I've noticed mine use a real word an unintelligible word and a fun or euphemism ish word to avoid answering a question truthfully.
Yes, spiritual evil.
Sharon Edwards “The poison is in the conversation..... It’s like a spell. “
Truer words have never been spoken. I went no contact with a narc family because she would lay hands on me and say the most terrible things. It really felt like she was cursing me.
One way to find out the Narc in your life: when they get enraged to find out you are watching videos about narcissistic people.
LOVE it...So, WHY are they still in your life, why have you allowed them to see what you are doing? The only acceptable excuse for still having a narc in your life is you are planning your exit. Otherwise, it really IS YOUR OWN FAULT by allowing them control over you.
@@sagrammyfour
It's already all about me I'm the evil abuser and she plays the victim so well.
It's my fault for choosing her that's the truth.
She can't bear to watch a video on narcissism.
@@decoy2636 Why do you give a rat's behind? She's GONE. Go and live your life, and don't carry this over to your new life.
@@sagrammyfour
I'm grateful to be free. I no longer have to listen to her chin music, I think that I've lost my gaf and am indifferent to her childish attempts. If you really don't mind what a narc does really don't matter. With the knowledge gained it seems like you have a sort of shield. She no longer pulls my buttons. Me and the dog are making it fine on our own.
Life is a strange trip. I followed your searl effect videos for years man. Hope all is well.
This is a perfect explanation for people of why no contact is absolutely vital.
Narcissistic baiting. They bait you into an argument among other people by crossing your boundaries. You may lose your temper, while the narc remains calm and says to the other people " look how he treats me I only asked him a question". This is designed to deflect accountability away from them and make it seem like you're the one who is the problem. Good video.
OOO MYYYY GOOOOOOD!!!!! I didn't even know my mom was a narcissist but by intuition I had decided that the best thing for me was to get her out of my life completely. Just two weeks ago she recommended we go into therapy and I said yes... and I just noticed watching this video that that was her strategy for induced conversation! Thats the way she got me to start talking again... and of course she says that everything Im saying about her is not real, that Im crazy and delusional.... not in those specific words but the fact that she just dismisses it... its the same thing. Just a few days ago she did something again due to the fact that we are having contact.... again. She is in my head again.... wow Dr Ross thank you so much. When I decided no contact obviously it was hard because... well... she is my mother. But its the best thing for me. And when I started therapy with her I feel like I have relapsed... the only reason I joined therapy with her was because I thought that this was finally going to open her eyes and she was going to see what she does.... but obviously not.... because thats the definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder... she isnt capable of seeing it. And now I have her in my head again, and I am not at peace. Back to no contact it is.... it hurts because she is my mother... but for years Ive worked on myself not to feel guilt and shame about it... its the best thing for me, its my life, and its what needs to be done... for my sanity and wellbeing.
It Is Necessary That you Take Care Of yourself
Others Will Need you- And Not For Supply
@@SherryONeill🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
I too have a narcissistic mother. It's so hard to cut all bonds with her because it's your mother. It's the right decision though. If you're her punching bag or scapegoat, she will move that negative energy to someone else in the family once she knows you have fully disconnected.
Literally as I watched this video, I got a phone call, an attempt at getting a foot in the door 🤣 .. so grateful for your videos!
I just got a text after 2 years of me going no contact but I'm not going to get sucked back in. I'm glad I didn't block her though just because now I know she tried.
NO CONTACT is EASILY the best outcome.
If you are temporarily stuck with them i.e. spouse, partner, sibling, parents.. work out your plan to LEAVE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!
They have been mastering these moves since childhood........to SURVIVE....
Narcissistic kryptonite I N D I F E R E N C E.
Yep. I thought revealing either of the extremes: I love you so much or you hurt me so much, would open up their empathy. But it just stokes their ego. Giving them zero emotion is the best path.
Yup! Cant get no reaction out of me!
It's the Grey Rock Technique- and it works
But sometime it is so hard to do.
@@miryreina925 It very much can be.
Do your research on narcissists. It's a disorder THAT CANT BE CURED. It can be managed, but only if the person admits they have a problem, which RARELY happens.
This person most likely will not change. The cycle continues, only if you let it. No matter what the text, email, phone call says, they are the same person trying to push your buttons. If you respond, they win, they got their ego stroked.
Don't get mad, don't get sad, disregard them. Focus on something, anything else besides that person. One day at a time. You can do it ❤️
Watching these kind of videos has led me to the conclusion that we need to go very slowly with any level of relationships in our culture. America has plus and minuses like any other country but it is very clear that our hyper, consumerist, much divorce, entitlement, etc...has given people the opportunity to NOT mature or grow or understand relationships. Thank you Mr Rosenberg for the video!!!
I think if you've ever experienced narcissistic abuse then it's worthwhile taking your time to get to know someone to see how their personality unfolds. I met someone in 2017 and thought he was interesting, and wanted to find out more, but over the course of the next 12 months of deliberately only having limited contact with him, lo and behold, he revealed himself as having narcissistic traits.
When you meet someone you feel you have a rapport with, it's always tempting to dive in and spend lots of time together but I think, for me, as someone who is empathic, by keeping a healthy distance, I didn't bond with this person in the way I usually do, and was able to maintain my boundaries. So when the time came to cut him loose there was very little anguish on my part as our lives weren't enmeshed in the way they have been with previous relationships.
If someone values you, _for you_, then they won't mind taking thing slowly.
Spot on.
I wish I knew this growing up...
Malicious Narcissist mother has got me thinking of Suicide starting at 9 years old. I ran away from home at sixteen.
My life hasn't been so good attracting abusive relationships ( self esteem and self worth issues). It's truly a miracle that I'm still here , trying to heal myself.
My research on Narcissism explains Everything. ♡
THANK YOU SO MUCH for SHARING ♡
D L Malley keep up many have been there , but we are winners now. Many haven’t made it. 👍
You're not the only one... I bet mine was worse.
You're so insightful. I do have self love deficit disorder! It seems so much less judgmental and shameful than "co-dependent." Your insight is exact.
Thanks for watching.
I grew up with an entire family like this. Our parents taught that fighting was preferred to the rational and reasonable conversation to resolve things. It was never about resolving anything in a fight with my family. The objective was to win over the one who wanted to bring clarity as well as resolve a conflict. I was putting dishes in the dishwasher for my mother one day, she was elderly and I wanted to help. From the other room, she shouted how she wanted them to be placed in the washer. I calmly suggested something that might make them fit better and she shouted in an angry voice as though I had done something wrong, "no put them this way." . I recall thinking, "what if she had just said in a calm loving voice; 'honey I prefer them this way.'" What a difference it would have made in the tone of things. I said alright to her and did it the way she wanted. There was no need for the angry voice I was happy to do them her way all I thought was to help with a suggestion.
In growing up with my family any suggestion different from what they said was seen as a challenge rather than a friendly conversation. After I grew older looking back I realize how terrible my family is, to this day my brothers do not know how to discuss anything when there are differences. Everything is competition and a potential fight. My parents are gone now, sorry if this sounds bad but I do not miss them. I miss what might have been if there had been love and kindness, but I do not miss what we had. I have distanced myself from my brothers now, they have not changed, 70 years old and beyond and they have not changed one bit.
I too, know this world.
That was good to know thanks.
Gosh, same here except I’m in my 60s. Love and blessings to you❤
I remember my ex always asking what I was feeling or thinking. He'd say that majority of women would love 2 have a man that'd ask such questions🙄
I then thought that he was probably right. Shortly after he began weaponizing what I'd tell him. Or make "sly" belittling remarks about feelings or thoughts I've shared.
OMG MINE DID THE SAME THING !!
They would take whatever information you tell them in confident because you trusted them with it then they would later use that info against you.
Should have told him you were thinking about the poison you laced his food with.... 😎
@Missy Bella: Such is their M.O., one of many. 🤬😈☠️
I had the same experience with my ex!
Keep saving one person at one time from one generation.....
We love you Ross
OMG, you literally described every single tactic my almost ex-wife used to get me back when we separated 2 years ago. Like a fool I fell for it and we got back together. It's been the most miserable 2 years of my entire life since. I now know after having watched your videos and some others what is/was going on. I can finally now move forward and do with confidence what I wasn't able to do a little over 2 years ago. Thank you so much for this video!
400 narcissistic people dislike this video.
Sorry for you...busted
I was thinking exactly the same thing. Narcissists just hate the truth. But the TRUTH will set you free.
control yourself n let ppl dislike what they like..NARC
Nothin a narc hates more than gettin called out for being what they are. It's like cutting the ropes of their ring
I'm selling a pegion anyone...?
Wow how true! I couldn't figure out why everytime I was upset he'd talk circles around me and somehow the issue wasn't resolved but I was too confused to keep talking. I went into therapy, for a different issue, and leaned why I was so sad. Thank you for a great video!
Welcome Mary! In case you haven't watched it yet, there is a part 2 for this video: ua-cam.com/video/2_2xxuOEsZo/v-deo.html
Long time since you posted this but just come across this video. Just wanted to say that this was exactly my experience too, with my soon-to-be ex-wife.
It wasn't until I was able to step back and understand my own unhappiness and depression this set I was able to identify its source.
Sadly, narcissists are everywhere... I can stay away from my family, but can’t go from job to job until I can collect social security. It seems like bosses appreciate narcissists and let them rule over normal employees.
Which is why I am so thankful my boss knows what they are. Sadly you can't fire someone for what he sees as a personality disorder until they commit something like religious discrimination or sexual harrassement. Still, my boss gets pretty creative at putting our office narc in her place. They are so tenacious tho! Like bitch just quit. We don't want you here.
Honestly you will never avoid them, but once you really love yourself and respect yourself and not care what other people think of you. They won’t even bother you they avoid you like the plague. And you will start finding them funny almost child like because that is what they are!
Denise it’s true. Most supervisors and team leaders are narcs. It’s like management like them because they bully the other staff and ‘keep them in line’. It’s a way for management to bully and rule over the staff via their narc supervisors. Companies that operate in this stupid way always have a high turnover of staff. You’ll see them always advertising for new employees because they need a constant flow to replace the people that quit.
@@thatgirlbrinna7927 Unfortunately they do things like 1) coworker- try to get you arrested for fraud, 2) family - lie to all the relatives that you stole something valuable from your dead father's estate. These require damage control and consequences. Messy situations.
Betsy Barnicle I’m so sorry you are going thru this 💕 just try and keep focusing on healing yourself love! That is the only way they won’t bother you
Wow. My narc parent called me twice today to try and 'talk' (they normally never call me). I had spent the day before thinking I was finally going to break free. Somehow, it's like they KNEW! And now this video popped up on my timeline. Thanks, Ross. I clearly needed to hear this.
Don’t answer the call!!! Stay strong! I got an email after 14 discards. This one is now 13 days in!! I’m NOT GONNA RESPOND! Don’t do it🎉🎉