I have a joke for myth #1 A couple had been married 50+ years when the wife passed away. The husband had nothing but glowing words for the wife who was so in tune with him, she never contradicted him, never raised her voice at him, she always had his dinner ready. She was my perfect wife, and now she's gone. His children and grand children were collecting her things to fulfill her last requests, when they discovered a shoe box with a handmade doll, a brown paper wrapped package several inches thick, and a folded piece of paper. They opened the paper to find a note from Grandma, 'This is my anger box. When ever I was angry at my husband, I made a doll.' Oh my wife was only mad at me once in my life! Hold on, Dad, let me finish the note. 'In the paper parcell is $10 thousand dollars that I want you to split amongst the grand kids. Yes, I know dear, you want to know where this money came from. When my anger box was full of dolls, I sold them. For a dollar a piece.'
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best". I thought that. But it was because of the fact that he would hurt me and was never there for the repairs. When I would try to talk about it I'd get dismissed, stonewalled, ignore, given nonsensical answers, blame-shifted on or broken up with. I would go quiet, do the repairs myself just to be able to roll out the red carpet for him again, make it nice and cosy and happy without him ever having to lift a finger. He would pretend nothing happened. In those moments I thought "why if you're never there when I'm at my worst, where you put me, do you get to enjoy the best of me?"
I did this for 30 yrs because i didnt know how to respect myself and have boundaries bc i thought boundaries were being mean. I choose not to do it any longer.
Take your worst to couples counseling, and then individual therapy. Laymen are not equipped for all the psychological baggage that can be present in one or both partners.
@@m2pozad Individual counseling. He sounds like he feels entitled to be a mess and it's up to everyone else to deal with it. If he refuses to be held accountable, couples counseling is a waste. She needs counseling to get some insight on the situation so she can decide what she wants to do. I'd bet all the gold in Fort Knox against a dead mosquito that he would refuse counseling of any kind.
Somehow I felt so relieved when you said that "not going to bed angry" is a myth. The first time my bf made a joke about me being "lazy" I silently cried myself to sleep, because my toxic ex was always putting me down. The day after my bf made this joke I worked up the courage to talk to him about it and he reacted so differently than how I expected: he apologised and told me he didn't want to hurt me and to always tell him if something is bothering me. I couldn't believe how lucky I was. He is my safe space now and I love him with all my heart. I noticed that for me it is really helpful to sleep on a problem and being calm enough to talk about it the next day. Thanks for validating that observation, it helps a lot ❤
@JimmyonRelationships I learn from you and that's so cool. The spontaneous thing keeps me thinking. I was married for 25 years It was so exhausting. Thnx so much
@@JimmyonRelationshipsAlso, it would be really helpful if you did more of where you publish shorts that imitate what happens in healthy relationships. Doing that is helpful for most of us, as it can really open our eyes, especially the eyes of someone who is not great at listening, to beautiful things that many of us have never seen.
You are my favorite relationship expert. Always gentle parenting, and making the most sense in a chaotic world. We love you Jimmy. Thank you so much for all you’re doing to heal our hearts, and minds!❤
@@JimmyonRelationships Awe, you’re the closest thing to an expert I’ve found! Even the therapists I’ve known have unhealthy relationships lol I’m really grateful for all the wisdom you impart, and all the value you bring into this world. You’re awesome, I hope you never forget that. 😊
@@dolcemaddalena Right. You're trying to get through a tough patch. Add all the work and stress of a new relationship on top of everything else. Golly gee, all your troubles have magically vanished.
Never go to bed angry. I’ve always felt like this was terrible advice and I am so glad to see that I was right! My husband and I sometimes get heated and say ugly things. Sometimes it’s just better if we go to bed and wake up the next morning and it seems silly what we were fighting about. We wake up rested and patient and calm and, roll over and snuggle and apologize and start the day fresh. Sometimes we just agree to disagree and move on. Sometimes we can have the conversation that needs to happen to resolve the conflict.
Going off the title, but ya, the belief that love alone is all that's needed for a successful relationship is very Disney/Hallmark mindset. Especially when love itself requires trust and respect to even form and continue to flourish. A happy, healthy, loving relationship is based on trust and respect, where both parties feel safe, secure, and supported.
It’s not love on both sides if both people don’t feel trust, respect, safe, secure and supported. So maybe all we do need is love. At least the type of love I’m talking about. The real type that’s about caring about your partners happiness as much as your own. Not the infatuation type where someone just cares about what they do for them or how they make them feel.
Love is a set of long-term benefits and boundaries. It deciding on physical boundaries based on each other with some social influence and roles involved, it's balancing out tolerances of annoying behavior with their good qualities, and investing consistent time into the relationship.
As parents, my husband and I have to “schedule” intimacy every few nights after our son goes to sleep. I do love spontaneous intimacy, but I prefer intimacy rather than not any at all. It can still feel spontaneous even when scheduled. If you’re having serious issues in your relationship, 99.999999% of the time, having children will NOT help. My husband and I have a hard hard line on cheating. Our idea of cheating is even flirting. Neither of us is willing to feel less than to another man or woman. I want to be the most important and loved woman in his life and he wants the same from me. This is a line that we will not cross. He does not stare at other women who walk by, I do not stare at other men. He does not say “oh she’s hot” and I don’t say “oh he’s hot”.
I'm a doer, I love to surprise my partner. To be unpredictabile a little bit. It's not always working for me to set a date for this. Sometimes you need to talk about it ofcourse. I love ask my partner how he is feeling, what he's thinking or maybe worrying about, if he is OK. What's on his mind. To be the best friend for you as partner. But I still want to be the lover and no mommy stuff etc. I'm Nurturing by nature but don't want to pamper or too be pampered. I think many don't get it. I love to learn still ❤
@@charlie-girl72 by “scheduling time” I don’t mean, “ok. We’re both home at the same time after on Wednesday, but we need to do it between 4:15 and 4:45 because we have practice” or what have you. Some moms and dads do need to do that of course and there’s nothing wrong with it, but my husband’s and I “scheduling intimacy” is laying in bed together and realizing that my husband doesn’t get very much sleep during the week so I keep that in mind and don’t try to have sex but 2 or so times during the week. On the weekends I have a lot going on so we make sure we put our son in his room (he’s 4) and give him some food and something to drink and let him watch his tv or play with his toys and we take our time. It’s not always about figuring out the day, the hour, the minute, and the second allotted for sex. Intimacy isn’t just sex of course, this is just what most people assume I think. It’s about realizing that “oh shit! The kids are all out and about” or “the baby is asleep! Let’s get rowdy.” It’s being mindful of the free time you do have and valuing your partner enough to notice that this time or that time might be a good opening to have some husband and wife fun. It’s about living and loving and caring. Life shouldn’t be scheduled out to the minute, but when and or if that becomes your life, you need to make sure you don’t let you marriage fall by the wayside because of it. Fit them in and be there with them 100%!
I took an apology quiz in couple's therapy. It was very eye opening how differently we apologized. We were polar opposite when we apologized. Even knowing that didn't save the relationship, but I think it's something people need to take into account when having arguments.
Very well said Jimmy! I had this belief of no matter how bad the partner treat you, if you do more work and offer more, they will eventually treat you better- because my mother and her sisters all did the same to their abusive husbands. They stayed in unhappy marriages for decades. So when I was dating, I was a people pleaser and that attracted toxic people.
I changed my therapist 8xs in a year before I found one that was a good fit. Being a people pleaser this was very hard for me. It gave me a sense of independence and trust within myself. What I ended up doing was telling myself that I was interviewing them to see if they will fit the job. Did they sound like they were reading from a book or giving me personal experience and solutions/tools ECT. I lost my insurance but not my will to keep healing and a huge break through was learning about attachment theory. So if you can do both I highly suggest it!
To "not let the sun go down on an argument', to me is important, but it looks slightly different to trying to solve it at a late hour. It's putting a pin in it for now, yes, but many people need a bit of loving physical contact to soothe their nervous system before they could possibly sleep. I think if you're able to make each other feel emotionally safe before going to sleep, despite the disagreements, then this goes a long way towards starting out on a better page tomorrow ❤
With regards to "don't go to bed angry" I often thought of this not as a way to sweep the issue under the rug and force resolution before you go to bed, but simply to end the day showing love and empathy regardless of the status of the argument. I often would think of tragedies, where a couple leaves for work in the morning and the unthinkable happens in traffic, or if there's a natural disaster and they never get the chance to show each other their love again. I would hate for our last memory together to be one where we were so at odds with one another if the argument was heated and we didn't show our love for each other. I suppose if you are arguing in an entirely healthy way, this doesn't apply, but if not, I always hope that myself and my partner can put the argument on pause, as you said, and show that despite this issue, there is still love.
Yes, validation and consistency are what I was missing in my last relationship. Every time I fall in love, i am always all-in. I am a smart, independent and a loving person…. I don’t know it was just me who is having problems and no boundaries or was just pouring my water on wrong soil.
Just want to say thank you. Love bombing has hit my heart several times already, still recovering, but now I know I prefer reliability rather than dopamine highs. Thanks for sharing ❤
Thank you so much for your videos; I think that "twin soul" is an invention to make people lazy and let them giving up to take their responsabilitivies on relationship. We are our own twin soul and all the relationships in our lives should be a great opportunity to express ourselves and grove up together...
About the knowing what you're feeling and need: The worst thing to have to prove wrong, is someone who has made up their mind, WRONGLY, about you. I know this all too well, and I would like to have the agency to advocate for myself, thank you!! I would also love to have the respect to be asked!
@@amandalangston188 Agreed, problem is, when in a relationship, sex is expected (not just by our partners but society also), and realistically speaking, not having it is not really an allowable option...except that no contraceptive is 100%. :/
Love is unconditional - boundaries aren't conditions. Boundaries are boundaries and respect is required for that - those are not conditions in my eyes. Conditions are having to earn someone's love by meeting specific and sometimes unachievable and moving goal posts. Boundaries are how you want to be treated and how you will accept the behaviors of the world around you and what rules you have for yourself with how you will accept or reject those behaviors. They are separate because they are universal to *everyone* not just your beloved. Conditions to conditional love are things like "I won't love you unless you make 60K and cook all my meals." "I won't love you unless you keep fit to be my trophy wife." "I won't love you unless you do everything I say exactly how I said it." Boundaries are not that. Love is unconditional because it is something that can't be earned. That ground my gears when you disagreed that love is unconditional. I think we have different definitions.
I think the "if you cant handle me at my worst you dont deserve at my best" could also refer to one feeling depressed or going through really harsh times more than just being horrible to their partner
".... more than just being horrible to their partner." 😬😬 While people struggle with their mental health, it doesn't give them passes to be horrible to their partner. Abuse of any kind is not ok.
I have bipolar I. My behavior is largely not under my control when I'm manic and I have black manias. It’s ugly, and the the fact that I can't control the behavior does not mean it's acceptable. My spouse would have been completely justified if he’d walked during my last episode. I would never say that if you can't handle my worst, you don't deserve my best. If you're willing to put up with my worst, you've earned my best in return.
Hi Jimmy, we carry a lot sad stuff in our older lives, my mum and dad's relationship was full of hate, and auguments. sadly I saw a moment of hope with them, it was fleeting. My sons dad died from drugs I am proud that i bought up a good young man. I very much loved his dad, and I knew it would be hard to pass on that his dad died thie way he did..but in all that crap me and his dad were friends and close x😮
Thank you so very much for this video Jimmy ..... great advice and yes from very violent dangerous past I had no boundries was so trauma bonded like gorilla glue after my little boy past I did whatever he said terrified to lose someone else. ✨️🕊
Sometimes when it's thought "your partner doesn't care about your needs" it isn't that they don't care. It could be they've shutdown or have built up resentment or they have attachment issues. If you're trying to diagnose an issue you really need to know the root cause and "not caring" isn't the root cause.
I want to highlight what you've said Jimmy, grass is greener sometimes yes, I thought I was weird thinking it. After a bad marriage can come a better one,if we've learned from the first one and changed for the better. -- If they can't see me at my worst? Oh my... that hits me, cause you confirm me in this' how indeed can people say this' I don't want to see myself the worst, please no... you're right! Thnx 🙃🥰
I hate how often men assume a relationship is dead just because sex isnt spontaneous or infrequent especially if they dont even attempt to ask why or whats wrong. Im not saying to put up with getting rejected all the time if its just not compatible with you and pretend youre happy with it but jeeze theres so much more you can focus on and even attempt to repair it in other ways it doesnt have to revolve around that.
For most men, sex is a core part of a relationship. Infrequent or "scheduled" feels impersonal and generally unwanted. Men assume the relationship is over because the women is indicating that she no longer finds him valuable or attractive. Sure, it's probably his fault for some reason or another and she is withdrawing sex for the same reason. The success or failure of a relationship is always the man responsibility, but few men take the time to learn how to engage with women on a level past basic wants. This leaves men unable to meet the more complex needs of women.
@@abstracttechnician2750 Its a lot more complicated than being the fault of someone but if someone is failing to tell you what youre doing wrong then it doesnt fall on you automatically. The success of relationships hinges on both parties trusting each other to be open even for the bad things and even arguments or disagreements can be an opportunity for emotional intimacy. The killer of love is not anger or resentment its indifference to wanting to help mend the problem.
@gatorssbm I disagree. Sure, in theory it is best if everyone voices their issues like adults. In reality, men need to develop good communication skills to clearly communicate their wants and also need to learn how to read their partners behaviour in order to accurately guess her needs and wants so he can fulfill them. No women I know can read her man past "He is upset, I hope he can clearly communicate his emotions in a way that I can understand." Every man I know in a healthy relationship can basically read his wife's mind because she can't or won't clearly communicate on a regular basis.
@@abstracttechnician2750 Any woman who is constantly or even occasionally forcing you to read them sounds way too immature for me to ever consider getting with, its just very unrealistic to force yourself to be a mind reader. And I say this being a very hyper vigilant person due to strict parents. I even got with my gf because I was good at picking up things that bothered her and she has gotten so much better at being direct because Ive expressed my distaste of being vague but not in an extremely critical way. Sure not everyone is like that but blaming yourself is just not it, if a woman wants to be petty let em indulge in their own misery for not communicating better for not even attempting to let you fix or respect it. Any healthy relationship shouldnt make 1 person do most of the work, whats the point of keeping one if youre constantly reading between the lines. Id much rather be single.
@gatorssbm i think you may be conflating responsibility and work. And also statements of actions with statements of intention. Every women I know thinks she can communicate clearly, and they usually can if they aren't emotional. However, they seem to think that they are just as clear when they are emotional. It's not immaturity. It is just a blind spot. And yes, it's something that women can fix same as men. The difference is that a mature man won't have that blindspot. Mature women usually have that one. Communication skills are not considered a sign of maturity for women like they are for men; personally I think it is because women are perceived as the sex better at communication and so it's not a skill they see as necessary to develop. When I say men have the responsibility of a relationship, it's not a statement that he should or can do all the work. But a healthy relationship is when the man ensures that both sides do the appropriate amount of work and that the balances remain. I will also point out that a man's responsibility does not include a rule that it only applies to healthy relationships; I only said that a healthy relationship requires a man to meet his responsibilities. And fair or not, a man has far more in a relationship than any woman does. But then again, either party can leave a relationship, so passing on those responsibilities is also an option.
It is a good advice To not go to bed angry. Because what if u lose that person and u can't solve the problem and Now u feel very bad for not having solved the problem and say I love u (before going to sleep ) to the person you just lost.
You can still express love while being angry. This is what it looks like for me: "I don't really want to talk about it right now while I'm so mad and exhausted, and could probably say something I don't mean. Can we address it when we've rested and processed our thoughts, please?" I still tell him I love him and squeeze his hand before going to sleep. (Being mad for me often means I'm not ready to cuddle lol)
wow I just had an enlightenment😮 with the "dont go to bed angry" my ex used to say that all the time and forced us to discuss it and it always took hours of our sleep cause somehow we used to fight before bedtime til 4 or 5am in the morning.. that was horrible... and I always told him please can we go to bed and discuss it tomorrow but no chance, and even if it wasn't right before bedtime I simply asked for a break cause he was talking nonstop for 1 or 2hours telling me what I did wrong and how I should act and I couldn't even say anything cause I need a break to sort my thoughts cause I dont want to say anything that I will regret later but he always did and called me names etc and hurting me even more.. but now I know why he never let me sort my thoughts, cause it was his narcissistic tactic to have control over my thoughts, to not let me come to the conclusion that he is the problem and he was scared that I would choose to break up with him what I was finally able to do.. ughhh now that I realized it I feel so relieved.. thank you so much for your videos, I'm in no contact and I've been struggling but your content always makes sure that I stay sane, bless you❤
Why does this sound so impossible? Everyone I’ve ever dated is somewhat toxic. It doesn’t seem like there’s all these healthy people out there. I’ve never even been in a position where I was dating a healthy person and rejected them cause it was boring or something. I really don’t think I would… it’s just never happened
I'm sorry that happened to you. It's really discouraging to not have healthy people like that around you. But maybe they are not *exactly* as Jimmy described them. Maybe they don't use the same words (I'm Spanish and I assure you no one has ever used those words with me) but my current partner has found a way to make me feel valued and loved and prioritized and all those things that build a strong relationship in his own way. Also, when I was stuck in a pattern of dating people who weren't good partners, I did something that helped me a lot: I started intentionally looking for signs or demonstrations of whatever I was looking for (selflessness, compassion, etc.) from the very first interactions. I would simply ask myself: is this person demonstrating to me that they are [insert important quality here]? If not, I would walk away. It helped me a lot. I hope you find someone like that because you definitely DESERVE it ❤️
@22:03 - Leaving a relationship to protect your children from toxicity and abuse does NOT work unless you somehow can strip the abusive parent's parental rights. ALL it does is leave your children ALONE with an abusive person 50% of the time, at best, while the abusive person manipulates them to hate you. Parental alienation is a serious issue. I haven't been in an abusive relationship in 22 years and haven't had contact with my extremely violent ex in 10 years and he STILL manages to psychologically abuse me and my daughter in the worst way possible. Parental alienation is SEVERE psychological abuse. I would RATHER be beaten every day & leaving didn't shield my daughter because family court is corrupt.
I would like if you would explore in depth why people who are in solid relationships and happy, still feel attracted to other people, especially that you underlined that it is a true fact that people do feel attracted to other people and that it is normal thing. THANK YOU
Relationship rules are so ambiguous that it can be extremely frustrating! Sometimes the best response in a marriage is, “I said yes and I meant it.” And then hold the line(if you can). When there’s emotional pain it’s important to remember why you are together in the first place. Can you imagine what teen wives go through? They’re not only married to an ambiguous, selfish creature, they’re also vulnerable and growing up at the same time. How confusing!
With the going to bed angry thing i think it is saying ideally y'all will find a way to de escalate and diffuse the situation. Not saying it is easy I presume this is built on the premise that the end of a goven experience tends to disproportionately influence our perception of the event/people/etc when recalled later
I feel I need to hammer down the actual change, to keep the push of changing what’s toxic about me so that I can improve for her. What can I do to improve
I can already tell you’re probably worth keeping. Ask her what changes she’d like to see, that’ll give you some direction. Wishing you both the best, and a long and happy life together.
Before having watched the video though, love is completely unnecessary for a successful happy relationship. What is required is loyalty, consideration, compassion, and responsibility. Love is an excellent thing to have in a relationship, but it is a motivation rather than a means.
26 “Be wroth, but do not sin.” Do not let the sun go down on your rage, 27 nor give place to the devil. ~Eph’siyim 4 I know you mean well, BUT, Scripture says not to let the day end while angry. I will say though, it’s definitely something I have done countless times and it’s easier said than done. Scripture tells us what is best for us but our flesh just doesn’t heed. Forgive me AB.
I sent this video to my texting bf? He has a different mindset about love. Doesn't share personal info. mostly small talk (texting) won't talk on the phone except for a few sentences. I figured if I sent this video to him it might help. He sent me a message saying "The video was good now it's time for me to work on myself So we can make this dream come true?" I actually laughed out loud. I don't know how to answer him. Should I tell him I meant it for him? lol
I dont agree with the 50/50. You should be giving 100/100. Yes, day to day will look very different, but you should still be giving 100% of what you have that day.
Myth: Monogamy is the only healthy and fulfilling relationship style. In reality, there's lots of us ENM people with fulfilling relationships that look all kinds of different ways from nesting partners, solo poly, and beyond. We're in committed relationships. We take a lot of disdain, just like homosexuals take (and used to take way more of).
If your partner is avoidant and dont want to share his needs? How to handle? I am used😢 i am living my life but when i go yo see a friend he feel abandoned and he dont talkbto me for days. I am sad😢
Wish id heard this content when i was age 20/21.... better still i wish my parents hadnot had such a toxic "loving" relationshipthey taught me some good but also alot of rubbish 💔
Thank you Jimmy.. I don't know if its healthy. if we have a Problem or if I'm opening my feelings like upset or hurt on something and he tries to fix it through S*X.. 😢😂
So how does this work, ok I am supposed to trust that he is not having an emotional affair with her, and at the same time I know he is not going to stop talking to her ever, that's what he has told me, they have free reign to contact each other whenever and whatever they want to say, where does that leave me?
I'm not even watching these to figure out what to do with my boyfriend he's awesome and kind and when we have misunderstandings I know we both want to understand the other and 🥺🥺🥺 ....but I have a Friend and I'm like. Frantically googling ways to convince them to give a shit. They seem to think I'm the one who doesn't give a shit and read the exact opposite meaning into my messages that I say and get mad when I try to gain understanding and man. It's a little bit funny that I am trying to find help for how to fix a friendship from the relationship videos.... I'm just disregarding the arousal discussions and hoping certain other concepts can translate 💀
Jimmy, what do you do when your partner is overly affectionate, not giving you space. Physical touch is not my love language, but it is his 100%...I feel overwhelmed and never given the oppertunity to reciprocate his love language...I want to run
Well we certainly shouldn’t want our partner to feel smothered. He needs to understand that there needs to be a balance. Both of your needs matter, so we need to start there, where you both try to understand the others point of view ya know?
I have a joke for myth #1 A couple had been married 50+ years when the wife passed away. The husband had nothing but glowing words for the wife who was so in tune with him, she never contradicted him, never raised her voice at him, she always had his dinner ready. She was my perfect wife, and now she's gone.
His children and grand children were collecting her things to fulfill her last requests, when they discovered a shoe box with a handmade doll, a brown paper wrapped package several inches thick, and a folded piece of paper. They opened the paper to find a note from Grandma, 'This is my anger box. When ever I was angry at my husband, I made a doll.'
Oh my wife was only mad at me once in my life!
Hold on, Dad, let me finish the note. 'In the paper parcell is $10 thousand dollars that I want you to split amongst the grand kids. Yes, I know dear, you want to know where this money came from. When my anger box was full of dolls, I sold them. For a dollar a piece.'
TBH... I don't see the joke. 😢
It was a good story though.
@@FuscoLW. The joke was on the husband. Sad joke. Sad it had to happen.
She took “if I had a dollar for every time I got mad at him” to the next level 😂
😢😢😢
@@FuscoLWit was a very sad story
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best". I thought that. But it was because of the fact that he would hurt me and was never there for the repairs. When I would try to talk about it I'd get dismissed, stonewalled, ignore, given nonsensical answers, blame-shifted on or broken up with. I would go quiet, do the repairs myself just to be able to roll out the red carpet for him again, make it nice and cosy and happy without him ever having to lift a finger. He would pretend nothing happened. In those moments I thought "why if you're never there when I'm at my worst, where you put me, do you get to enjoy the best of me?"
I did this for 30 yrs because i didnt know how to respect myself and have boundaries bc i thought boundaries were being mean.
I choose not to do it any longer.
If I can't deal with your worst, I need to walk away. Your best will never be enough to balance the scale. Some scales can't be balanced.
This @@SuzannaLiessa
Take your worst to couples counseling, and then individual therapy. Laymen are not equipped for all the psychological baggage that can be present in one or both partners.
@@m2pozad Individual counseling. He sounds like he feels entitled to be a mess and it's up to everyone else to deal with it. If he refuses to be held accountable, couples counseling is a waste. She needs counseling to get some insight on the situation so she can decide what she wants to do. I'd bet all the gold in Fort Knox against a dead mosquito that he would refuse counseling of any kind.
Somehow I felt so relieved when you said that "not going to bed angry" is a myth. The first time my bf made a joke about me being "lazy" I silently cried myself to sleep, because my toxic ex was always putting me down.
The day after my bf made this joke I worked up the courage to talk to him about it and he reacted so differently than how I expected: he apologised and told me he didn't want to hurt me and to always tell him if something is bothering me. I couldn't believe how lucky I was. He is my safe space now and I love him with all my heart.
I noticed that for me it is really helpful to sleep on a problem and being calm enough to talk about it the next day. Thanks for validating that observation, it helps a lot ❤
i hope you guys make it!
@Shortlongshoelace Thank you, that's very sweet of you to say!
Your explanation of what an apology is (and isn't) is brilliant and applicable to everyone, in any situation. Thank you.
Thank you!!
@JimmyonRelationships I learn from you and that's so cool. The spontaneous thing keeps me thinking. I was married for 25 years It was so exhausting. Thnx so much
@@JimmyonRelationshipsAlso, it would be really helpful if you did more of where you publish shorts that imitate what happens in healthy relationships. Doing that is helpful for most of us, as it can really open our eyes, especially the eyes of someone who is not great at listening, to beautiful things that many of us have never seen.
@@s.p.3587 I 👍🏼 😊
A tad long but very very good information thank you
You are my favorite relationship expert. Always gentle parenting, and making the most sense in a chaotic world. We love you Jimmy. Thank you so much for all you’re doing to heal our hearts, and minds!❤
Oh this means so much! I certainly don’t consider myself an expert but I appreciate you!! :)
@@JimmyonRelationships Awe, you’re the closest thing to an expert I’ve found! Even the therapists I’ve known have unhealthy relationships lol I’m really grateful for all the wisdom you impart, and all the value you bring into this world. You’re awesome, I hope you never forget that. 😊
... taking accountability for YOUR side of the street... 🙌
Facts
A relationship will solve your problems. I hear this often. Or you should settle with anyone rather than be alone. Huge mistake!
Oh that’s so good!
Oof that’s terrible advice.
💯...💔😤
@@dolcemaddalena Right. You're trying to get through a tough patch. Add all the work and stress of a new relationship on top of everything else. Golly gee, all your troubles have magically vanished.
Oh, heck no, never. Better to get a dog than put up with just any guy.
So much wisdom from one guy and what blows my mind even more is how you are able to articulate.You really are the best in the game.
You’re very kind!!
yeah Jimmy has such a clear and direct way of breaking down such complex problems in such an understandable and inspiring way ❤
Never go to bed angry. I’ve always felt like this was terrible advice and I am so glad to see that I was right! My husband and I sometimes get heated and say ugly things. Sometimes it’s just better if we go to bed and wake up the next morning and it seems silly what we were fighting about. We wake up rested and patient and calm and, roll over and snuggle and apologize and start the day fresh. Sometimes we just agree to disagree and move on. Sometimes we can have the conversation that needs to happen to resolve the conflict.
Going off the title, but ya, the belief that love alone is all that's needed for a successful relationship is very Disney/Hallmark mindset.
Especially when love itself requires trust and respect to even form and continue to flourish.
A happy, healthy, loving relationship is based on trust and respect, where both parties feel safe, secure, and supported.
It’s not love on both sides if both people don’t feel trust, respect, safe, secure and supported. So maybe all we do need is love. At least the type of love I’m talking about. The real type that’s about caring about your partners happiness as much as your own. Not the infatuation type where someone just cares about what they do for them or how they make them feel.
@user-sz5oc1qz3b Fair. My point is, and I should have been more clear, is effort is still required. The emotion by itself isn't enough.
Love is a set of long-term benefits and boundaries. It deciding on physical boundaries based on each other with some social influence and roles involved, it's balancing out tolerances of annoying behavior with their good qualities, and investing consistent time into the relationship.
@rayf6126 Agreed. Love and a relationship have a number of ideas and concepts that make them work.
As parents, my husband and I have to “schedule” intimacy every few nights after our son goes to sleep. I do love spontaneous intimacy, but I prefer intimacy rather than not any at all. It can still feel spontaneous even when scheduled.
If you’re having serious issues in your relationship, 99.999999% of the time, having children will NOT help.
My husband and I have a hard hard line on cheating. Our idea of cheating is even flirting. Neither of us is willing to feel less than to another man or woman. I want to be the most important and loved woman in his life and he wants the same from me. This is a line that we will not cross. He does not stare at other women who walk by, I do not stare at other men. He does not say “oh she’s hot” and I don’t say “oh he’s hot”.
I love that, thank you for sharing. ❤
What is your agreement with your spouse regarding pornography?
Do the two of you consider that cheating?
I'm a doer, I love to surprise my partner. To be unpredictabile a little bit. It's not always working for me to set a date for this. Sometimes you need to talk about it ofcourse. I love ask my partner how he is feeling, what he's thinking or maybe worrying about, if he is OK. What's on his mind. To be the best friend for you as partner. But I still want to be the lover and no mommy stuff etc. I'm Nurturing by nature but don't want to pamper or too be pampered. I think many don't get it. I love to learn still ❤
@@sharicoburn5475 yes. Pornography is a no go.
@@charlie-girl72 by “scheduling time” I don’t mean, “ok. We’re both home at the same time after on Wednesday, but we need to do it between 4:15 and 4:45 because we have practice” or what have you. Some moms and dads do need to do that of course and there’s nothing wrong with it, but my husband’s and I “scheduling intimacy” is laying in bed together and realizing that my husband doesn’t get very much sleep during the week so I keep that in mind and don’t try to have sex but 2 or so times during the week. On the weekends I have a lot going on so we make sure we put our son in his room (he’s 4) and give him some food and something to drink and let him watch his tv or play with his toys and we take our time. It’s not always about figuring out the day, the hour, the minute, and the second allotted for sex. Intimacy isn’t just sex of course, this is just what most people assume I think. It’s about realizing that “oh shit! The kids are all out and about” or “the baby is asleep! Let’s get rowdy.” It’s being mindful of the free time you do have and valuing your partner enough to notice that this time or that time might be a good opening to have some husband and wife fun. It’s about living and loving and caring. Life shouldn’t be scheduled out to the minute, but when and or if that becomes your life, you need to make sure you don’t let you marriage fall by the wayside because of it. Fit them in and be there with them 100%!
"Love is all you need". Guess that person never heard the Don Henley and Patty Smyth song "Sometimes Love just ain;t enough"
I took an apology quiz in couple's therapy. It was very eye opening how differently we apologized. We were polar opposite when we apologized. Even knowing that didn't save the relationship, but I think it's something people need to take into account when having arguments.
What a HUGE gift this entire message is... thank you for giving us such value, sir ❤
Agreed!
Thank you for your advices. Very wise and good advices. Now only if I can convince my husband to.watch this together
A few years ago I left my ex-husband because I wanted to show my girls that I don't have to say yes to everything just to stay in a relationship.
@@bee8655 I’m so proud of you!
you go girl!
Very well said Jimmy! I had this belief of no matter how bad the partner treat you, if you do more work and offer more, they will eventually treat you better- because my mother and her sisters all did the same to their abusive husbands. They stayed in unhappy marriages for decades. So when I was dating, I was a people pleaser and that attracted toxic people.
How do we find a good therapist like you had? Mine is sketchy. I find more help in your video's than therapy. THANK-YOU Jimmy
I changed my therapist 8xs in a year before I found one that was a good fit. Being a people pleaser this was very hard for me. It gave me a sense of independence and trust within myself. What I ended up doing was telling myself that I was interviewing them to see if they will fit the job. Did they sound like they were reading from a book or giving me personal experience and solutions/tools ECT. I lost my insurance but not my will to keep healing and a huge break through was learning about attachment theory. So if you can do both I highly suggest it!
"Before pointing out all the sh!+ on someone else's floors, make sure your own floors are clean."
To "not let the sun go down on an argument', to me is important, but it looks slightly different to trying to solve it at a late hour. It's putting a pin in it for now, yes, but many people need a bit of loving physical contact to soothe their nervous system before they could possibly sleep. I think if you're able to make each other feel emotionally safe before going to sleep, despite the disagreements, then this goes a long way towards starting out on a better page tomorrow ❤
And make sure you’re not hungry or dehydrated before handling conflict with each other.
Oh man... this hit my feelers... hearing someone be so nice about how a relationship should be i just cried..
With regards to "don't go to bed angry" I often thought of this not as a way to sweep the issue under the rug and force resolution before you go to bed, but simply to end the day showing love and empathy regardless of the status of the argument. I often would think of tragedies, where a couple leaves for work in the morning and the unthinkable happens in traffic, or if there's a natural disaster and they never get the chance to show each other their love again. I would hate for our last memory together to be one where we were so at odds with one another if the argument was heated and we didn't show our love for each other. I suppose if you are arguing in an entirely healthy way, this doesn't apply, but if not, I always hope that myself and my partner can put the argument on pause, as you said, and show that despite this issue, there is still love.
So agree about the childhood! My husband had an abusive childhood and most of our family issues are connected to that.
Yes, validation and consistency are what I was missing in my last relationship.
Every time I fall in love, i am always all-in. I am a smart, independent and a loving person….
I don’t know it was just me who is having problems and no boundaries or was just pouring my water on wrong soil.
Just want to say thank you. Love bombing has hit my heart several times already, still recovering, but now I know I prefer reliability rather than dopamine highs. Thanks for sharing ❤
I have never listened to any relationship advice. But you are the best of best. Thank you for doing what you do. Without you I would be alone.
I really like all your videos, but this one has to be my favorite 👏
15:45 my ex said something very similar and even though she was never right in the head. Hearing this made me feel so much better about myself
Thank you so much for your videos; I think that "twin soul" is an invention to make people lazy and let them giving up to take their responsabilitivies on relationship. We are our own twin soul and all the relationships in our lives should be a great opportunity to express ourselves and grove up together...
About the knowing what you're feeling and need: The worst thing to have to prove wrong, is someone who has made up their mind, WRONGLY, about you. I know this all too well, and I would like to have the agency to advocate for myself, thank you!! I would also love to have the respect to be asked!
Absolutely so not have kidd with a narcissist or an abuser.
Yes. Having a child does not making things better.
@@amandalangston188 Agreed, problem is, when in a relationship, sex is expected (not just by our partners but society also), and realistically speaking, not having it is not really an allowable option...except that no contraceptive is 100%. :/
Thanks!
I think number two for me was summed up as “I could live with out you , but I don’t want too”
Love is unconditional - boundaries aren't conditions. Boundaries are boundaries and respect is required for that - those are not conditions in my eyes. Conditions are having to earn someone's love by meeting specific and sometimes unachievable and moving goal posts. Boundaries are how you want to be treated and how you will accept the behaviors of the world around you and what rules you have for yourself with how you will accept or reject those behaviors. They are separate because they are universal to *everyone* not just your beloved. Conditions to conditional love are things like "I won't love you unless you make 60K and cook all my meals." "I won't love you unless you keep fit to be my trophy wife." "I won't love you unless you do everything I say exactly how I said it." Boundaries are not that. Love is unconditional because it is something that can't be earned. That ground my gears when you disagreed that love is unconditional. I think we have different definitions.
I think the "if you cant handle me at my worst you dont deserve at my best" could also refer to one feeling depressed or going through really harsh times more than just being horrible to their partner
I can see that!
".... more than just being horrible to their partner." 😬😬
While people struggle with their mental health, it doesn't give them passes to be horrible to their partner.
Abuse of any kind is not ok.
I have bipolar I. My behavior is largely not under my control when I'm manic and I have black manias. It’s ugly, and the the fact that I can't control the behavior does not mean it's acceptable. My spouse would have been completely justified if he’d walked during my last episode.
I would never say that if you can't handle my worst, you don't deserve my best. If you're willing to put up with my worst, you've earned my best in return.
@@SuzannaLiessabless you and the maniac side both.
Hi Jimmy, we carry a lot sad stuff in our older lives, my mum and dad's relationship was full of hate, and auguments. sadly I saw a moment of hope with them, it was fleeting.
My sons dad died from drugs
I am proud that i bought up a good young man.
I very much loved his dad, and I knew it would be hard to pass on that his dad died thie way he did..but in all that crap me and his dad were friends and close x😮
Am very proud of my son he is thriving
Thank you so very much for this video Jimmy ..... great advice and yes from very violent dangerous past I had no boundries was so trauma bonded like gorilla glue after my little boy past I did whatever he said terrified to lose someone else. ✨️🕊
This man is amazing.
Actions definitely speak louder than words
i really agree with your viewpoints on these, really good advice about how to have a good connected healthy relationship
On your way to 1M Jimmy, congrats 🎉...💗🍃🙏
Sometimes when it's thought "your partner doesn't care about your needs" it isn't that they don't care. It could be they've shutdown or have built up resentment or they have attachment issues. If you're trying to diagnose an issue you really need to know the root cause and "not caring" isn't the root cause.
Lots of these hit home. Healing is so important.
excellent assessment and breakdown
I want to highlight what you've said Jimmy, grass is greener sometimes yes, I thought I was weird thinking it. After a bad marriage can come a better one,if we've learned from the first one and changed for the better.
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If they can't see me at my worst? Oh my... that hits me, cause you confirm me in this' how indeed can people say this' I don't want to see myself the worst, please no... you're right! Thnx 🙃🥰
Thank you! Your content is fantastic ❤
I hate how often men assume a relationship is dead just because sex isnt spontaneous or infrequent especially if they dont even attempt to ask why or whats wrong. Im not saying to put up with getting rejected all the time if its just not compatible with you and pretend youre happy with it but jeeze theres so much more you can focus on and even attempt to repair it in other ways it doesnt have to revolve around that.
For most men, sex is a core part of a relationship. Infrequent or "scheduled" feels impersonal and generally unwanted. Men assume the relationship is over because the women is indicating that she no longer finds him valuable or attractive. Sure, it's probably his fault for some reason or another and she is withdrawing sex for the same reason. The success or failure of a relationship is always the man responsibility, but few men take the time to learn how to engage with women on a level past basic wants. This leaves men unable to meet the more complex needs of women.
@@abstracttechnician2750 Its a lot more complicated than being the fault of someone but if someone is failing to tell you what youre doing wrong then it doesnt fall on you automatically. The success of relationships hinges on both parties trusting each other to be open even for the bad things and even arguments or disagreements can be an opportunity for emotional intimacy. The killer of love is not anger or resentment its indifference to wanting to help mend the problem.
@gatorssbm I disagree. Sure, in theory it is best if everyone voices their issues like adults. In reality, men need to develop good communication skills to clearly communicate their wants and also need to learn how to read their partners behaviour in order to accurately guess her needs and wants so he can fulfill them. No women I know can read her man past "He is upset, I hope he can clearly communicate his emotions in a way that I can understand." Every man I know in a healthy relationship can basically read his wife's mind because she can't or won't clearly communicate on a regular basis.
@@abstracttechnician2750 Any woman who is constantly or even occasionally forcing you to read them sounds way too immature for me to ever consider getting with, its just very unrealistic to force yourself to be a mind reader. And I say this being a very hyper vigilant person due to strict parents. I even got with my gf because I was good at picking up things that bothered her and she has gotten so much better at being direct because Ive expressed my distaste of being vague but not in an extremely critical way. Sure not everyone is like that but blaming yourself is just not it, if a woman wants to be petty let em indulge in their own misery for not communicating better for not even attempting to let you fix or respect it. Any healthy relationship shouldnt make 1 person do most of the work, whats the point of keeping one if youre constantly reading between the lines. Id much rather be single.
@gatorssbm i think you may be conflating responsibility and work. And also statements of actions with statements of intention. Every women I know thinks she can communicate clearly, and they usually can if they aren't emotional. However, they seem to think that they are just as clear when they are emotional. It's not immaturity. It is just a blind spot. And yes, it's something that women can fix same as men. The difference is that a mature man won't have that blindspot. Mature women usually have that one. Communication skills are not considered a sign of maturity for women like they are for men; personally I think it is because women are perceived as the sex better at communication and so it's not a skill they see as necessary to develop.
When I say men have the responsibility of a relationship, it's not a statement that he should or can do all the work. But a healthy relationship is when the man ensures that both sides do the appropriate amount of work and that the balances remain. I will also point out that a man's responsibility does not include a rule that it only applies to healthy relationships; I only said that a healthy relationship requires a man to meet his responsibilities. And fair or not, a man has far more in a relationship than any woman does. But then again, either party can leave a relationship, so passing on those responsibilities is also an option.
It is a good advice To not go to bed angry.
Because what if u lose that person and u can't solve the problem and Now u feel very bad for not having solved the problem and say I love u (before going to sleep ) to the person you just lost.
You can still express love while being angry. This is what it looks like for me:
"I don't really want to talk about it right now while I'm so mad and exhausted, and could probably say something I don't mean. Can we address it when we've rested and processed our thoughts, please?" I still tell him I love him and squeeze his hand before going to sleep. (Being mad for me often means I'm not ready to cuddle lol)
Love this
Wish I could give it 2 or 3 or 5 thumbs up! Excellent.
love all of your videos! so helpful!
So many great tips in here!! 🎉
wow I just had an enlightenment😮 with the "dont go to bed angry"
my ex used to say that all the time and forced us to discuss it and it always took hours of our sleep cause somehow we used to fight before bedtime til 4 or 5am in the morning.. that was horrible... and I always told him please can we go to bed and discuss it tomorrow but no chance, and even if it wasn't right before bedtime I simply asked for a break cause he was talking nonstop for 1 or 2hours telling me what I did wrong and how I should act and I couldn't even say anything cause I need a break to sort my thoughts cause I dont want to say anything that I will regret later but he always did and called me names etc and hurting me even more.. but now I know why he never let me sort my thoughts, cause it was his narcissistic tactic to have control over my thoughts, to not let me come to the conclusion that he is the problem and he was scared that I would choose to break up with him what I was finally able to do.. ughhh now that I realized it I feel so relieved.. thank you so much for your videos, I'm in no contact and I've been struggling but your content always makes sure that I stay sane, bless you❤
thank you for these videos
Why does this sound so impossible? Everyone I’ve ever dated is somewhat toxic. It doesn’t seem like there’s all these healthy people out there. I’ve never even been in a position where I was dating a healthy person and rejected them cause it was boring or something. I really don’t think I would… it’s just never happened
That's doesn't devalue what he has to say. Rather it strengthens it because these are ideals to strive for@@momog5615
Yes, I'm afraid you are correct...wow
@@momog5615 Where is this coming from?
I'm sorry that happened to you. It's really discouraging to not have healthy people like that around you.
But maybe they are not *exactly* as Jimmy described them. Maybe they don't use the same words (I'm Spanish and I assure you no one has ever used those words with me) but my current partner has found a way to make me feel valued and loved and prioritized and all those things that build a strong relationship in his own way.
Also, when I was stuck in a pattern of dating people who weren't good partners, I did something that helped me a lot: I started intentionally looking for signs or demonstrations of whatever I was looking for (selflessness, compassion, etc.) from the very first interactions. I would simply ask myself: is this person demonstrating to me that they are [insert important quality here]? If not, I would walk away. It helped me a lot.
I hope you find someone like that because you definitely DESERVE it ❤️
@@nicoleurbach2861men who aren't willing to admit they are toxic are gonna find any excuse to justify their behavior 😅
Love it, can you do a video about being attracted to other people and some guidance on how to navigate it ?
@22:03 - Leaving a relationship to protect your children from toxicity and abuse does NOT work unless you somehow can strip the abusive parent's parental rights. ALL it does is leave your children ALONE with an abusive person 50% of the time, at best, while the abusive person manipulates them to hate you. Parental alienation is a serious issue. I haven't been in an abusive relationship in 22 years and haven't had contact with my extremely violent ex in 10 years and he STILL manages to psychologically abuse me and my daughter in the worst way possible. Parental alienation is SEVERE psychological abuse. I would RATHER be beaten every day & leaving didn't shield my daughter because family court is corrupt.
This was EXCELLENT!!! 💯
Such great information once again Jimmy. Thank you.
Powerful message
Thank you for this beautiful discourse
Thank you for your great service for humanity ❤️☀️🌙
This is so nice!
I think this video is fantastic.
I would like if you would explore in depth why people who are in solid relationships and happy, still feel attracted to other people, especially that you underlined that it is a true fact that people do feel attracted to other people and that it is normal thing. THANK YOU
I wish I could "like" this more than once
Great advice. Thanks for making these. I appreciate you! :)
Helpful. Thank you.
I love Linda very much. I want so much to repair mistakes and be with her again. I grow I worked on myself.
this is really good advice
💙💙💙thank you for the wisdom
Relationship rules are so ambiguous that it can be extremely frustrating! Sometimes the best response in a marriage is, “I said yes and I meant it.” And then hold the line(if you can). When there’s emotional pain it’s important to remember why you are together in the first place. Can you imagine what teen wives go through? They’re not only married to an ambiguous, selfish creature, they’re also vulnerable and growing up at the same time. How confusing!
In my own opinion relationships are impossible without God.
@@AmyWeisz agreed sister!!
"Don't go to bed angry if possible" is correct I think.
I would agree. There are also times when you need to go to bed and come back to the conversation tomorrow
With the going to bed angry thing i think it is saying ideally y'all will find a way to de escalate and diffuse the situation. Not saying it is easy
I presume this is built on the premise that the end of a goven experience tends to disproportionately influence our perception of the event/people/etc when recalled later
So Good 😊
It's like you saw my Facebook yesterday hehehe... thmx I love your videos
Nice content, you forgot to also add " THE RIGHT ONE" myth
man i did really really really good for my first relationship
Straight facts 💯🫶🏾☯️🥰☮️🥁🌹🫂
I feel I need to hammer down the actual change, to keep the push of changing what’s toxic about me so that I can improve for her. What can I do to improve
I can already tell you’re probably worth keeping. Ask her what changes she’d like to see, that’ll give you some direction. Wishing you both the best, and a long and happy life together.
Before having watched the video though, love is completely unnecessary for a successful happy relationship. What is required is loyalty, consideration, compassion, and responsibility. Love is an excellent thing to have in a relationship, but it is a motivation rather than a means.
26 “Be wroth, but do not sin.” Do not let the sun go down on your rage,
27 nor give place to the devil.
~Eph’siyim 4
I know you mean well, BUT, Scripture says not to let the day end while angry. I will say though, it’s definitely something I have done countless times and it’s easier said than done. Scripture tells us what is best for us but our flesh just doesn’t heed. Forgive me AB.
I agree. I think the intent of the verse is “don’t build up resentment” rather than what we would interpret as momentary “anger”. But yes.
Great vid
😂I have done that all my life... Yep, 59 years old and still it sneaks up on me..
Thank you.
I sent this video to my texting bf? He has a different mindset about love. Doesn't share personal info. mostly small talk (texting) won't talk on the phone except for a few sentences. I figured if I sent this video to him it might help. He sent me a message saying "The video was good now it's time for me to work on myself So we can make this dream come true?" I actually laughed out loud. I don't know how to answer him. Should I tell him I meant it for him? lol
Do you have videos on how to avoid codependency in a relationship?
I dont agree with the 50/50. You should be giving 100/100. Yes, day to day will look very different, but you should still be giving 100% of what you have that day.
"Love is not enough" - author Mark Manson
Myth: Monogamy is the only healthy and fulfilling relationship style.
In reality, there's lots of us ENM people with fulfilling relationships that look all kinds of different ways from nesting partners, solo poly, and beyond. We're in committed relationships. We take a lot of disdain, just like homosexuals take (and used to take way more of).
How would you recommend finding a good couples therapist, if both people want to be accountable and work on things post break up? Is it a lost cause?
If your partner is avoidant and dont want to share his needs? How to handle? I am used😢 i am living my life but when i go yo see a friend he feel abandoned and he dont talkbto me for days. I am sad😢
Do you think things in this video are worthy of Grace? Nothing here reaches the level of needing Grace. We don’t want to waste Grace.
Perfect!
Wish id heard this content when i was age 20/21.... better still i wish my parents hadnot had such a toxic "loving" relationshipthey taught me some good but also alot of rubbish 💔
...if they wanted me to know, they'd tell me... 🤪
Thank you Jimmy.. I don't know if its healthy. if we have a Problem or if I'm opening my feelings like upset or hurt on something and he tries to fix it through S*X.. 😢😂
One vote for, unhealthy.
not healthy
So how does this work, ok I am supposed to trust that he is not having an emotional affair with her, and at the same time I know he is not going to stop talking to her ever, that's what he has told me, they have free reign to contact each other whenever and whatever they want to say, where does that leave me?
thank you
I'm not even watching these to figure out what to do with my boyfriend he's awesome and kind and when we have misunderstandings I know we both want to understand the other and 🥺🥺🥺
....but I have a Friend and I'm like. Frantically googling ways to convince them to give a shit. They seem to think I'm the one who doesn't give a shit and read the exact opposite meaning into my messages that I say and get mad when I try to gain understanding and man. It's a little bit funny that I am trying to find help for how to fix a friendship from the relationship videos.... I'm just disregarding the arousal discussions and hoping certain other concepts can translate 💀
Jimmy, what do you do when your partner is overly affectionate, not giving you space. Physical touch is not my love language, but it is his 100%...I feel overwhelmed and never given the oppertunity to reciprocate his love language...I want to run
Maybe you are an avoidant. My husband is.
Well we certainly shouldn’t want our partner to feel smothered. He needs to understand that there needs to be a balance. Both of your needs matter, so we need to start there, where you both try to understand the others point of view ya know?