How to STOP Fighting in your Relationship!
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- Опубліковано 12 лис 2023
- Conflict absolutely makes or breaks your relationship. How we fight makes a HUGE difference. In this episode I talk about what relationship experts say is the best way to fight or navigate conflict in our relationships, with empathy, active listening, validation, emotional safety and consideration so that it doesn't tear us apart.
How to get HER in the MOOD (funny)
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#marriageadvice #relationshipproblems #conflictresolution
It only works if someone cares enough to compromise
And can admit a wrong
This is very true....compromise has to be a mutual effort......if one person is the only one compromising for the other it leads to the mentality that the other person is incapable of change to make the relationship better.....which destroys trust, destroys love, once that happens the likelihood of fixing the broken relationship may never happen.
Not compromise...it is bringing a solution to the problem
Happily ever after works if both work on it..daily..one day at a time
But doesn't compromise mean that one person has to loose something in order to make room for the other. Can it not be a collaboration?
I just wanted to say thanks! My husband and i had been fighting for awhile now. At least a couple of years.... Years! Every time i would ask for something or bring something up it would evolve into a fight. Uncomfortable conversations could not happen with us because he hates talking about emotional things... It came to a head past Sunday. We got into a screaming match and he threatened to leave. And i was so fed up that i yelled back for him to just go. In that moment I really believed we were done... And thats my biggest fear is him leaving. Well the next morning we didnt speak to each other. I cant handle that either. It drives me absolutely crazy when he doesn't speak to me. I caved in and called him and i could tell that he was clearly as upset as i was. I don't think we even spoke 10 words when i called him... Not long after that i came across a clip of this video on FB and i came to UA-cam to watch it. The quote you put up on the screen about how men feel attacked when their partner complains... That right there completely changed the way i was thinking about everything. It had never dawned on me that it was miscommunication and i was making him feel hurt which is absolutely never my intention. I love my husband very much and i don't want him to feel hurt like i had been. But that quote opened a door and completely changed everything. So i texted him and tagged your video and i explained to him that i didn't realize that he felt attacked or inadequate when i was asking him for something that that was absolutely not my intention. After that BOTH of our attitudes completely changed. Before, trying to talk to him was like poking at a grizzly bear with a stick... This time, He listened to me and we were able to talk through quite a few things that needed to be talked about for a very long time. We still have a LONG way to go but this is a great first step. He doesn't normally watch videos like this either but i got him tk watch with me and he said you "have some good points" lol! Thank you for your content! Please keep sharing! Thank you again! God bless!
That is pretty much my situation. I am trying to keep my cool since we have kids. And I think that is what is making my situation so complicated.
That’s awesome! That quote in the video also was profound for me. I screen shotted it and planned to show it to my husband soon. He’s working right now and we have been working on our relationship for years. Luckily, he is open to discussions, but we have a lot of, old resentment and insecurities that we both need to work through. We’ve been married for 30 years, the kids are gone and we’re living like roommates. These videos have been very helpful and I am so grateful. Good luck to you and everyone else who is here seeking guidance.🙏🏻💕🌻
@@MattRio keep working at it Matt! Coming from a 48 yo lady that was married for 25 years and then lost my hubby. He was patient, but called me on my crap. I’m so glad he did:). My 15 yo daughter now says she’s glad ppl in the family calls her on her crud, even though it doesn’t feel good at the time. Much love:).
@@Snappypantsdance thanks for the support. I am rebuilding myself right now and I hope to rebuild my relationship with my wife soon. We have 2 Young's kids and I only want the best for them. I hope we can work things out.
@@MattRio Good for you!
I hope you can rebuild too! It’s so important for all of you in your family-if you can:). By the way, your kids can actually be a blessing in that they do make you want to work harder, and that can really be a plus:).
I also love the Gottman Institute like Jimmy mentioned. FYI- We women, as much as we protest really want a strong man that will tell us to “sit down and shut up” when it’s warranted. I don’t mean that literally. But we don’t respect you guys if you don’t…best success to you!! In my experience, it gets easier as you get older. Hopefully that can happen for you:).
This was the most valuable couples therapy session we’ve ever been to. Hands down. I’m not actually saying you saved our marriage, but you kinda saved our marriage. 😂Thank you! 😂🎉
I know. This guy is excellent. I’ve been married for 43 years to my wonderful wife, she is the reason we are both happy together. Jimmy is an excellent counselor. Good luck in your future relationship with your husband. Boundaries and kindness hopefully keep you in a happy relationship.
Btw. My avatar is me in 1980. I was 25ish, I’m Almost 70 years old now and our marriage is excellent. Edited by me 😎
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Malorie...yes agreed
How did you bring up that you wanted your partner to watch this with you and to please be present to watch so we can both gain the great points from it?
I shared with my boyfriend that I need affection and miss the conversations that we had before we moved in with each other and he dismissed my feelings that we talked about getting to this point, we’re here now. When I check in with him he automatically goes on the defense that something is wrong, his response is “we don’t have no problems”. I appreciate the long form video.
Thanks for sharing. We've been living together for about 4 months and dating again for a year. (Not our first time dating) I'm trying NOT to get in my head about it. It's hard. I went from my previous relationship where he rubbed & touched me like I was a puppy, to minimal affection. I will continue to work on this relationship. ❤
I don’t know what your beliefs are but my girlfriend and I are both Christians and what has helped the both of us a lot is learning what real love is. Not the type of love that gets upset and easily angered. In 1 Corinthians 13 the Bible says.
“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
Don’t give up if you believes he really loves you. Sometimes I know that’s hard to tell the difference, but I always say actions speak louder than words. Sorry for the word vomit.
It does not get better it will get worse. Wait till you are married. Then you might HAVE A ROOMMATE that does not bother to talk to you , but prefers to do only HIS things all the time and his shows, while you are cleaning and cooking and working and he is sitting the dents into the sofa and armchair. Red flags I see already after your comment. But I do not have bad wishes for anyone. Its a gut feeling.
Why? What for? Man that is not interested in the beginning will not become more interested over time, it is the opposite.
But maybe I am wrong.
Please don’t apologize for the length. You actually could have kept going. This material is very valuable. I actually discovered you on instagram because of your reels but I came over to UA-cam because I wanted and needed the longer version. Hopefully the feedback is helpful
This made me sob because it's everything I've been begging from my husband. Maybe he watches it, maybe he doesn't. I know I'm not perfect, but I put my everything into being better. I just simply don't feel my efforts reciprocated unless I have a meltdown. The stress is literally killing me and he is perfectly healthy because his needs are met. I cannot continue this course.
Then it's time to walk away sweetie. Your needs matter to and if your partner refuses to do the work as well, I know it hurts to leave, but in the long run you'll be Happy.
Maybe you send him this video and you both sit down to watch it together. Then at the end of it have a conversation about it and why you feel certain ways because he may have feelings about things he doesn’t bring up. I wouldn’t just walk away from your marriage because it’s the easy thing to do. Relationships get stronger through hard times because it builds bonds
Save yourself by leaving. The relationship is having a toxic effect on you.
He may have ASD. If he doesn't, then yes, I would save myself. IF he has ASD, then you have a long hard road ahead of you, and there are things you will never get. But there are ways to navigate, if he accepts that he has it.
No need to apologise for sharing information that is only helpful and coming from a place of love and care. I appreciate the level of depth you go in to. It only shows me how much you care and how much you want to help. Please don't hold back on potential useful information you think may be helpful 💚
My husband doesn’t believe in this, I think my relationship is really over! Im tired..
im so sorry
Please prioritize your life over making the needs met for someone who doesn't have the same level of emotional intelligence. You deserve as much effort as you're putting in
I'm so sorry I'm sorry your having to go thru this @ this time my fiance won't believe or watch this either there are MANY MANY things we can't speak about I have not told him alot about my childhood ( it was super abusive in many many ways) because my ex-husband ( I vomited out my childhood details) told me I wanted & DESERVED wht happened so I'm very very careful about who I share with and the way he acts I don't feel comfortable sharing because he pulls the " I have to think about this ( he has followed tht statement with I'm leaving) and it really triggers my extreme fear of ABANDOMENT I was literally abandoned by parents 600mls frm home @15 and again by ex while going thru chemotherapy again I'm sorry I'm tired too
Thank you so much. Marriage is hard. Two completely different individuals with past traumas not knowing what love looks like, having to learn with no guidance and good examples is tough. Your channel is invaluable for those who cannot afford therapy or have partners who refuse to go or whatever reasons may be an obstacle. Sometimes just hearing someone else get it means a lot. God bless.
From pick ups to dating to relationships to marriage.
All these stages are very challenging.
I have to learn everything for 7 - 8 years and I’m still learning
One of the things I’ve learned in these types of conversations is there’s the complaint/sharing feelings/validation part of the conversation and then the solution part of the conversation, where you talk about what could be done differently in the future, or you decide together to make a lifestyle change, or you make plans for a date to happen to restore closeness, etc. I’m a person who always wants to solve the problem right away that sometimes I forget to validate the feelings of my partner. Splitting up a conversation into the feelings part and the solution part reminds me that I have two jobs: hear, respect, and validate my partner AND THEN work with them to find a solution or way to restore closeness if needed. Sometimes conflict can arise from people being in different parts of the conversation, like if I’ve already moved on to trying to find the solution, all in good intentions, but my partner doesn’t feel all the way validated yet. Trying to solve the problem too early can be a way that some partners unintentionally invalidate their partners emotions by glossing over them too quickly.
This is an excellent point. It’s maturity.
Thank you, great point and well said!
Very well put. That's what happens. The apology comes as, can we just forget about it and start over, yet the feelings of the hurt partner hasn't been acknowledged, like they don't mean anything. Then get blamed for wanting to keep blaming the other partner. It becomes such a mess and depends the hurt so much more.
Very wise ❤😊
Very helpful point. Thank you.
My ex boyfriend and I used to be phenomenal at communicating, at the beginning. About a year into our relationship- we started to have the same argument, that he refused to believe was a problem. But it was a consistent issue. At some point I’d realized he’d acknowledged the issue, but change? Non-existent. When we finally broke up, he acted/probably was blindsided. But I had told him, and MANY people can attest to this, if things didn’t change- I was going to leave. He didn’t listen. I’m much happier now. But it takes two to tango, if I needed to change, I would’ve.
Current boyfriend and I can both admit when we’re wrong, and we can see that we’re not trying to change each other. But rather, elevate & improve within & in our relationship. It’s refreshing and it’s loving and ahh! I’m just so happy.
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I think the most important part of this whole video is when you said both people have to want to be a safe place, want to be better. All this info will get us nowhere unless both sides are ready to work towards it. Thank you.
Yeah, I think these videos could spend more time making that point more explicit.
I needed this so bad. I share what I’m missing with my boyfriend and he challenges me with “what about me”…. Now I’m defending what I do and we are no longer talking about what I wanted to talk about. Suddenly I feel like I am to blame for his complaint. 😢 Over it!
I totally understand. What I’ve learned to say to hold a boundary when my partner does this, is say “I hear what you’re saying, but right now we’re talking about what I brought up. We can make time to talk about your concern (hurt, whatever) another time.” Might not work, but at least you’re clear, and not getting swept up in all this other stuff they bring up to deflect from the issue you brought up.
So sorry you're going through this. I pray his heart to soften towards you and love you more and be honest with you.
You can leave him if you want, you deserve better. I hate when people shift it to be about them and then you end up apologizing to them and trying to make them happy but your needs still aren't getting met.
Narcs are real 😢
This is identical to what happens to me. Except he has intentionally done something bad, I am let down then he insults me some more and then it turns into what about me?
My wife recommended these videos to me. They are good and hoping it will have a positive effect on us both
Wish you luck! ❤
I know I'm late to the party, but for anyone who happens to see this, say a prayer for me, would you? My husband agreed that if I sent him a couple of videos about healthy conflict resolution, he'd actually watch - and I'm trying really hard to be hopeful despite a lot of anxiety about this. Thank you so much!
I was married for 10 years in my youth. I have now been divorced for 35 years and never remarried. I was a naïve babe in the woods with my own wounds, so I married someone who was emotionally, psychologically abusive throughout the marriage, and at the end, when he became physically abusive, that’s when I gave myself permission to leave. I got out alive. Individual and group therapy has been great for me after that, but still no strong desire to get married again. Your two character video on narcissism really turned a spotlight on who my ex is. Thank you for that.
Love the long video. Lots of great information. Self reflection is so important. Thank you.
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i admire that you didn't remarry just to not be lonely. i'm still learning how to be okay on my own, regardless of relationship status!
Ppl need to understand that none of us are 100% innocent in the relationship even if it’s 80%their fault and 20% yours that means there’s still room for you to change which is good news cause that gives you power back to help fix the relationship but obv only if the other is also putting in some kind of effort too
I mean you can be. Unless you count being taken advantage of and not leaving as part of your fault XD
@@magnarcreed3801 did you read the bottom line? Your doesn’t fit lol I said only if they’re also putting work in too lmao
The difference between a fight and an argument is simply this.... if your attacking one another (bringing up past or irrelevant topics to try and "win") that is a fight. An argument is focused on the disagreement or root of the concern..and mutually(in due time) comming to a resolution..
I’ve been through many UA-cam channels for advice, this is the only one I trust and has helped me with positive results. I cannot thank you enough Jimmy
It's my pleasure!! Please reach out and let me know how I can mention the things that are important to you Ben! JimmyonRelationships@gmail.com =)
I am in the same position as most of the commenters here. I am at a point where my marriage is going to end. I watched and even rewatched some parts. That were relevant. I get so defensive about everything that I never stopped and actually listened to how my wife really felt. This happened just before my youngest was born. Before that we would just talk. No yelling, no insults just simple talking and being heard. I think my wife and I just need to take the time to talk and listen to each other and be vulnerable to each other like we used to. By the way, a friend of mine suggested I watch your videos from Facebook. I appreciate you taking the time to point all this out. I think I might just be able to save my marriage. Thank you so much.
I just heard someone say most research says one thing can save your marriage, be a better employee or employer etc and that is humility. It’s the ingredient in life that is scarce but vital to life.
« This happened just before my youngest was born ».
Kids are a huge challenge to any relationships. Pregnancy, new roles as mother and father, no sex, no time, no sleep..
Remember to be kind to each other.
And that kids are not the center of the family. Mom and dad are.
I pray God help you in this. You need each other. May He help to soften your hearts towards one another.
I hope things are going better for both of you 🥰
So grateful for your videos! I’ve finally realized that I can’t make my husband want to get help or work on our marriage of 18 years. He is determined to just stay in defense mode and I don’t even think he knows me at all. I’m praying for our healing and for my guidance. Thank you again for sharing and being vulnerable with your experiences. Such a blessing.
Once you have made your point kindly and clearly a couple of times, and the partner does not listen or go into the process with all their might - it is time to leave. Don’t hope, beg, pray or anything like it: Don’t waste your life. Just leave.
Sending you hugs and prayers🙏🏽
@@alliegreenwold2631I appreciate the concern, but the truth is, my partner and his issues are by products of his upbringing. Yes, we can choose to be better but I truly believe my Heavenly Father can do all things and heal. I’m still praying for wisdom on this matter. I assure you, WE ALL have plenty to learn. Loving others as Christ loves us is just as important.
Im right there with you.
easier said than done when 25 yr s are being tossed. You make it sound so simple. There are many more pages to the chapter that also needs to be addressed. So many variables.@@alliegreenwold2631
I just wrote down the agreement in a word document, will print it out, and stick it to my fridge... THANK YOU JIMMY!
Was once explaining something that hurt my feelings to a partner. His response which I'm sure is common was "Well, I didn't do it intentionally" thinking that only intentional harms require apology. I said "I didn't think you did it intentionally. If you had done it intentionally that would make you a really evil person" I watched in real time the mental shift that took place in his mind. Absolute gold.
I think this applies for all relationships, family relationships, friendships, even professional relationships. I have few relationships in my life where conflicts don't end in experiences of trauma.
Yes I really think that it applies to all and I love his voice is very non threatening and he is not shaming at all.
These are the videos couples need in 2024. There is so much outside noise in relationships these days it seems. Especially with social media. Good on you brother for providing some personal insight into this video.
Thank you, as always, Jimmy.
Been watching your videos for the last 3 month since I broke up with with my girlfriend and you are making me realise all my mistakes and all my patterns and everything that I could have done more to better communicate my feelings. It hurts to see how much i have done wrong but it is also great to understand my mistakes and learn from them.
Long term videos are great, especially mixed up with the short skits that we adore.
Thank you for all the time, effort and energy you put in these videos!
This is really nice of you!!
So nice to see someone admit how they were wrong. You're gonna do great.
@@sunshining4eva
Yes thank you.. keep doing this❤. You are appreciated by sooo many 😊. I love that you don't sugar coat anything 💪
Apologize because it was too long? I thought that was a great video and loved every minute! Some of the things I already knew but even the things I already knew, you put into a very good perspective. My girlfriend and I call it a pause if we are getting too upset and talk later, but sometimes we forget and don’t utilize it. I’m hands-down impressed. Very good video. That is very useful resolution that I think would take relationships the distance. Thanks!
I wish I had found your videos years ago, but I don't think I would have been in the head space to listen or understand. There is now too much resentment on both sides and the divorce is almost finished. Thank you so much for what you do. I have shared you with everyone I know including therapists and Psychiatrists. I know you are saving relationships all over the world!
He might be saving mine, although I'm afraid it might be too late for us like it is for you.
Don’t give up because the divorce is not the end just an ugly turn in the road. Give it your best before it IS too late
I hope everything goes well for both of you ❤
I think you said something so important in this. And that's asking what your partner needs in order to change the way they feel or make them feel safe. So often after an argument with my partner we both sit down and TELL the other what we are going to do to fix the situation. Rather than actually listening to what the other person wants and how THEY would feel safer, we state how WE think they would feel safer. Which is a form of invalidation in itself. And while the intention is good (because we are trying to show the other person we understand what they need) it's actually very destructive behavior.
What if it’s already blown up and too much distrust and harm has occurred. We’re adversaries now. No feelings of love.
Yes, I stayed to the end. This is so meaningful for me to consider my past relationships and arguments. To understand where I could have done better. It's also helpful in different types of relationships. People can mirror what they see, so it can start with one person. (Although having to do double duty can be hard.)
You're so right! One person can absolutely be the catalyst for change, but the other person has to actually want to put in the work as well to see any mutual benefit =)
@@JimmyonRelationships And now you know why I said "past relationships". 😅
24 seconds in and I am like "yes yes YES!! Exactly the path. Even staying together but not connected
Thank you this was very helpful. It's nice coming from a masculine perspective too. 😊
Much of this is a "learning how to argue 101" video. .... Many cannot argue without fighting.
This is so so good!!! 100%. I could never have a conversation with my ex about anything that needed to be addressed without defensiveness. Or being left, being called names, having my feelings invalidated. Terrible. I gave up after 5 years. Heartbreaking. I have been focusing on healing this whole year and learning that it’s ok to have needs. He didn’t like that.
I've been learning a lot from these videos. The one thing I would add, and it might be stated in other videos, is leaving a conflict should be done respectfully. No, no one should shame you for stepping away, but also, don't stomp off, slam doors, leave the entire house, and not return for hours. I know Jimmy is NOT saying this behavior is ok. I just wanted to express that in case someone is thinking this video gives them an excuse for poor behavior.
My fiance and I have been together for 8 years and I decided that 2024 was gonna be a Great or Break year for us.... After he sat and watched your show with me , I have hope for the great year !!! We absolutely need the tools that you put out there to servive and I'm finally hopeful . He's never agreed to watch anyone before but he enjoys you and your teachings. Happy New Year to you and all of us willing to learn and correct !!!
Mine always threatened to leave me. We are now separated. He's hurt me over and over and walking over me. I never felt secure to say how I felt hurt, etc, they were not heard. Constantly telling me I'm not good enough, etc. He will ignore me for days. I would hope we could reconcile, but I'm worried about him not truly reflecting and it not going back to the same old issues.
You are a true GODSEND to couples of ll ages. We had 19 good years and 20...not so much.Trying to heal, I share these blessings with my entire family, 2 daughters getting ready to marry/ get engaged. This was shared and I pray the will look at this until th end. 🎉😢❤ Thanks Again...
My husband has ASD, and can't stick with any agreement we make immediately before we begin a discussion. He can't comprehend the agreement anyway, and can't remember any of it unless it's written down. He won't write anything, or read what I wrote - on that day. He will go straight into the anxiety zone. Just a reminder to sooooo many of us women, who are in a LTR with a man on the spectrum, that they need at least 24 hours to process a try at anything. They are not bad, but they will not be able to respond to this advice in the same way a NT man would. But Jimmy's videos are still very helpful. I believe that 50% of men are on the spectrum, especially on the high functioning side, and many many of them don't know it. Find out if your man has it. It can save the marriage. Not knowing if he has it is almost certainly the end.
I always feel I try my best but I realize what I’m trying to do isn’t the right thing. I am eager to learn to be a better husband but I struggle to put the work in. I always go into defense mode no matter the situation and I don’t handle my emotions properly. I hope to make it!
I’m the very same way. I get defensive and put my shields up. As if I’m in battle.
Good luck to us 👍
Man that was great I’m guilty of so much of this I’m really trying very hard to correct the wrongs I’ve done. Thank you Jimmy from the bottom my heart thank you . She is gone but I still seek repair
No need to shorten them!! Going down thee biggest rabbit hole on your account and look forward to every video!
Love this...thank you Jimmy. My husband and I are actively practising this (we need lots) and have renamed it FROM HURTING TO HEALING.
I wish i knew this before getting into a relationship
Yep seriously
This is a great message! ❤ and I didn’t feel like the video was too long at all - a good amount of time to remain engaged and get enough information while not going so long that it became boring. Thank you for sharing !
Who has said the videos are too long?! Madness! You are message is excellent and desperately needed. Thank you so much for helping those of is who are doing relationship work.
Just found your channel and it could not have come at a better time, I was so angry at everything when i started watching this and ended the video close to tears. Also gave me the biggest epiphany since I'm usually the type to shut down or get defensive when it comes to criticism but you gave me the idea to write out all my thoughts in a love letter form so nothing goes unsaid and everything can be said respectfully. I feel so grown now, thanks Jimmy! We need more chill dudes like you who tell it how it is ❤ C:
You were so spot on with the part where I don’t need to validate her accusations but I can still validate her emotions because she feels I “intentionally” hurting her feelings.
The longer videos are sometimes the best ones ❤
This is what I haven't been able to find the words to explain to him. I also needed to hear some of this. You have valid points. I am sharing.
I think this was so right! Thank you! for clarity and it wasn’t too long! Pray your marriage is recovering and beautiful and strong! I hope to improve my marriage as we take time to improve these areas! Joy and peace to you both!
This was literally one of the best videos I have ever seen!!! LOVE THIS CHANNEL!!! Thank you for helping me grow!!!!
Could you please make a video about the difference between yelling and being stern?
My husband’s family used the silent treatment against each other and would go weeks without talking when they were mad. So, he genuinely thinks I’m yelling at him when I’m simply being stern. I’m not raising my voice or using a disrespectful tone towards him at all; I’m simply stating things like “could you please be present when we are talking about the kids, and not play video games in the middle of our discussion? It makes me feel like I’m not important when you do that” after he puts his gaming headphones on during a conversation. I’ll say it as sweetly/gentle as I can.
When I say things like that he responds with “stop yelling at me.”
He also doesn’t discipline his kids (my stepchildren) because he thinks telling them things like “Stop. You may not curse at her…that’s unacceptable” is yelling at his children even if his voice is not raised.
It’s creating a real problem because I want a healthy relationship with him but we can’t have that if he thinks that being serious is yelling.
(Edited for a spelling error)
My ex-husband & bio mom used silence as punishment I once went 3 months without speaking to ex ( we lived in house slept in same bed with separate blankets) and current fiance also uses silence he has started 95% of the anger situations in our relationship I can't discuss anything emontional with him a good example : when a sports star gets accessed of a sexual attack or sexual touching he defends them which makes me VERY VERY ANGRY /emontional it makes me feel like he's defending rapist & molesters I was a victim so he's taking up for ppl who hurt me I've never told him or felt comfortable enough to tell him the whole story ( ex told me I deserved& asked for it so I'm very very hesitate to share life story) I could NEVER get him to talk like this all he can do is walk away and be passive aggressive
THANK YOU ❤ and doesn’t worry about the length, your videos are just PERFECT.
Jimmy's voice is so gentle.
This is hands down THE BEST video I've seen, on how to practice healthy relationship habits! THANK YOU! I will share this with as many people as possible! This should be taught in schools too!
Love how you are speaking from experience amen. Thank you for your vulnerable share. I know the pain that sourced it and I wish that on no one. Praying you get to full fruit of your harvest (good stuff) for all the confusion and shame and upset. That was the root of it.
Great video. Your videos are never too long. Always full of great advice and ideas ❤.
I really wish I had learned this before getting into a relationship. I wasn't listening to their feelings, and that drove a wedge between them and me. Thank you for sharing this information. I can now be better prepared for my future relationship. Much love.
Please don't apologize for the length of your videos when you are pouring out pure gold from heart to help people... thank you.
You speak so much truth . Everyone should listen to this
I really wish people were taught all of this in school
First time being a first comment. I've only been able to regain some self-esteem by viewing my covert narcissist spouse of 18 years as a roommate and not even a friend for the past few months. Still have a tiny shred of hope of someday having a real relationship but it is time for him to put in some effort.
It sure is!
I'm glad you didn't leave out any of this good content in order to make the video shorter. It was worth the watch in it's entirety.
I LOVE the videos being long!!
Such helpful information
This is the videos I needed in my life. 🙏🏾
I’ve watched this video 6 times in the last 3 days. So packed with info. I was able to apply these tactics last night and it was immediately recognized and praised by my partner. I’m finally hopeful for what is ahead for us. I almost can’t believe that that conflict brought us closer together. I am immensely grateful.
Just wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude! You are doing work that is truly needed.
I’m in the most secure and healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in and I’ve learned that I am extremely defensive! I hate that my partner feels invalidated and I hate feeling like I’m apologizing for something I didn’t do. Particularly when he ascribes meaning or intent to something that I’ve done.
I think sticking to just validating his experience will be enough for us.
Jimmy, this was an amazingly thorough guide to healthy communication!! Thank you for putting it out!
I love your content - thank you for what you're sharing especially out of your painful experiences.
Youve helped so much in 24 hours for my partner and I. We really needed your advice. Thank you. Youre saying exacty what I've been wanting to communicate, but i could not articulate. Thank you.
Thank you so so much and I appreciate you sharing all the struggles you've been through. It means a lot to hear about your experience and knowledge, because me and my partner are in this negative cycle of hurting each other, because we both don't feel hurt and safe. With every argument we feel more lonely. We are both listening to your video seperarly and are going to talk about it and how we feel and how we gonna implement your advise. And I'm grateful, that your video was longer than planned, I finally felt understood and had tears in my eyes, because you used your voice to explane how we both feel. Thank you for that❤ and thank you for your work❤
Sending you and your family lots of love and can't wait to hear more of your thoughts!
I think this finally got through to my husband how he has been treating me. I know I have work to do too, but I feel like it is mostly how he blows up at me anytime I try to explain something that hurts me or bothers me. I am going to make an outline from this video and we are going to follow it to try to repair our relationship. I am thankful for the transcript so I don't have to type everything.
Any interest in sharing that outline? 😊
@@m4st3rr34der I haven't finished with it yet and so far I've only been turning it into paragraph form instead of an outline.
Can you send the outline?? I was going to do the same thing. I tried to verbalize this and he immediately dismissed me.
@@RooftopRecipes I can reply with it here. So far I have been using the auto transcript and adding punctuation to it. I have not made the outline yet. It takes a long time to go through the transcript. It started with about 30 pages and I've reduced it down to 25 but I'm only around 6 minute mark. I still have a lot of work to do on creating the transcript for this in a legible form.
@@RooftopRecipes This is what I have for the transcript with punctuation:
All right, today it is my goal to drastically change the way that you're fighting in your relationships. We are going to punch conflict right in the face! No, no, we're not going to do that. But what we are going to do is learn how to resolve conflict in a safe, healthy way because if you don’t, I hate to break it to you, but it's going to cost you your relationship. Even if you stay together, without communication skills, without conflict resolution skills, your relationship dies. You end up feeling disconnected. You feel like roommates. It happens every day. That's just where that path leads. Trust me, I would know. And all joking aside, I had to learn this far too late in my marriage and it's my goal to do anything I can to help steer you in a different direction.
0:36
My goal is to actually give you what you want from your relationship. Most of you want to feel close to your partner. Most of you want to feel desired by them. Most of you want to feel respected and valued and loved, right? We want companionship with this person, that's why we started this relationship with them.
0:52
But here's the problem: without communication, without conflict resolution skills, without developing any skills of empathy or listening or safety during a conflict, you have no chance at achieving those goals. I don't care what your intentions are, I don't care what your hopes and dreams are, I only care about your behaviors. I care about your patterns. I care about your mindsets. Because I can tell you everything to know about where you're going to end up based off where you are now.
1:17
As Emily and I were in counseling together because our marriage was on the brink of collapse because of my own terrible choices. The more we learned about what a healthy safe connected relationship looks like, we both came to the realization that we had mutually unintentionally destroyed our relationship because of how we were handling conflict for years.
1:36
At some point we admitted and agreed that the only way that we're going to get ourselves out of this hole is if we start over completely from a communication and fighting standpoint. That meant completely dismantling our natural defaults and patterns. Not only were they not working, they were hurting us. It meant changing how we viewed conflict. The false narratives we had created around it, the fears we had surrounding it that we didn't even know about and how we were resolving and repairing it. Because for us, it never led anywhere healthy. It only led to worsening distance and disconnection.
2:08
So what does all that have to do with you? Well if you're watching this, my job is to give you the warning I never got. This is the opportunity to start over don't wait for a crisis in your relationship or marriage to address this issue. Don't wait for an affair to blow up your marriage. Don't wait until you're either divorced or simply miserable together to work on this. Because it's fixable, it's manageable, it's possible to get the closeness and connection that you want. But like anything important in life, it takes work and effort and collaboration from both of you.
2:37
I want you both to do something that we never did that would have saved us from a lot of distance and disconnection. I want you to sit down together and be able to have a mature, kind, respectful talk where you both decide beforehand how you're going to handle conflict. Talk about what you get right. Talk about how you think people should bring up conflict. Talk about any boundaries you have around name calling or yelling. Talk about what you personally could improve upon in those areas. If you can't do that because it just turns into another fight, I would beg you to get in front of a professional, because your relationship depends on it.
3:12
If you are both willing to do this, let's start by answering a basic question. Should your partner be allowed to complain? Should they be allowed to bring up a concern or a hurt or a desire and feel heard and understood? Do you truly care about their feelings? And be careful if the answer is yes because that's a dangerous answer that demands something from you. It demands that you not punish them when they do just that, because I can promise you you're not going to like it when they actually come to you with a negative emotion. You're not going to like it when they have a hurt that you unintentionally caused. Are you prepared for what you're going to do in that moment? Because I wasn't and I believe the success of our relationship hangs in those moments.
3:49
It's those moments where we have the largest opportunity to repair any disconnection and reestablish closeness and reassure our partner that we care. Or we have the option to teach them, even if it's unintentionally, you can't rely on me when you're hurt. Don't come to me looking for safety or security or understanding when you're in pain, because I won't be there for you. If I've learned anything from Sue Johnson, it's that underneath most conflicts one person is always asking: Does my partner actually care? Can I rely on them to actually care and move in my direction when I'm hurt or scared or even angry? Can I truly trust them? And it's our job during every conflict to remind them yes, you can rely on me. Your feelings matter to me. I'm not going to punish you for being vulnerable. You're more important than any fight that we have.
4:35
Now how do we do that? In John Gray's Book Men Are from Mars Women Are from Venus he gives us this answer. He says the biggest problem in relationship is this:
A woman shares her upset feelings and as a result, a man feels unloved. To him, her negative feelings sound like criticism, blame, or resentment. And when he becomes defensive or attacks her or dismisses her feelings, she feels unloved…
The success of a relationship is solely dependent on two factors:
• A man's ability to listen lovingly and respectfully to a woman's feelings.
• And a woman's ability to share her feelings in a loving and respectful way.
A relationship requires that partners communicate their changing feelings and needs.
5:13
So, let me ask you, how many of you would say that perfectly describes your situation? How many of us are stuck in that Dynamic? Cuz I bet it's a lot of us. And don't get hung up on the genders. We could replace men and women for partner and it's still completely accurate. One person can't bring something up without the other person becoming defensive or dismissing their concerns which only leads them to feeling unheard and alone, right and from the other person's point of view. They feel like they can't get anything right and their partner is always trying to criticize them and complain about what they're messing up on. And they both missing each other just like we missed each other and yet John Gray reminds us, a relationship requires that we communicate changing feelings and needs; it's not optional it's essential. And I want you to keep that quote in the back of your mind as we talk about every aspect on how to handle conflict.
This video is going to help our relationship. We have had a perfect marriage until Covid and other stresses such as a grieving and we seem to have slipped into this fighting /blaming hole. We are both willing to watch this video and work on it. Thank you. You would have helped so many people with these.
I think I would feel so much better if this is how my husband and I interact with each other. Thanks for all your hard work teaching.
THANK YOU!
I hope more people start listening to you instead of all the Andrew Tates on the internet … :)
Yes that's the whole thing!!!!! Since I've been watching you for a couple weeks, you've shown me exactly where all of the problems are right here. I've been stuck in this loop for almost 5 years now. You would think I'm a glutton for punishment but I hate fighting poorly!!! I just care enough about her to Try and figure this out. .. but the more I express problems we could work on the more it turns into I'm attacking her about everything she does. Thank you, I have hope.
No need to apologise. I loved every word.. you’re a treasure!! Thank you for sharing and caring enough to tell us all these gems of advice. ❤
Hi Jimmy - love your videos, even the “shorts” the role play is helpful, & shed light on difficult issues. I share your information with my 3 (late 20’s) sons who have not seen a healthy relationship. They are not interested in marriage nor an intimate relationships😢 immature partners has far reaching impact
Keep up the great work
I have the opposite problem- I need to learn how to fight. Avoiding fights has been a huge problem
I have the same problem sometimes, my girlfriend always says that I don't stay on topic and she's right. Look up The Peacemaker personality type and you probably have the same type of personality I do, if you avoid understand that this makes them feel invalidated understand that this makes them feel like their opinions don't matter it's better to face it head on but without disrespecting and understanding it's going to be uncomfortable, but it's worth it
It is a wonderful video that has me reconsidering so much about how much my trauma is affecting my communication, or lack of, in my relationship. 🥺❤ thank you for the long video. It was very well done.
Thank you so much for your service to us all ❤
I stayed to the end:)
Thank you for the counsel.
Thank you Jimmy! It was not too long - you gave real mice examples which helps us to understand “how to communicate with empathy” to hold space and that this is what love and res connection ie intimacy means… 💜🙏🏽 I really found this video so helpful because I have been blaming and critising for past wrongs that need to be properly forgiven. I didn’t realize how to express my hurt and pain without blame.
Thank you SO MUCH for your work. So, so helpful.
Great video and helps illustrate a lot of the common ways a conversation or an attempt to share feelings may come to a boiling point or can become perceived as an attack.
Great video Jimmy it wasnt too long, it was thorough, meaningful and i cant wait to share and watch together with mynpartner. Thnk you, its right on the money ❤
I don't know if it's just the place I am in life and my relationship or the way that you explained this, or both but that was probably one of the best explanations of how to deal with relational conflict that I've ever listened to. You build a lifetime of reading books and watching videos to less than a half hour! So glad my wife shared your videos with me! Keep up the good fight (no pun intended) 😂
17:10 old coping mechanisms are hurting you now.
Also… I watch all your videos to the end. Sometimes more than once ☺️
Thaank you very much for this video, this seems really to be a core issue in our situations too especially the defensiveness of me i need to agree and that we tend to switch from conflicts to fights and also the accusations part really is something i know. I will try to change my behaviour and listen better and not defaulting to getting mad when she says something to me when she expresses her feelings even when it's not done completely right, i will try to talk about this with her to so we can improve our communication and with this our conflict solving, to save our love. all what i wish is us being healthy together.
I am really enjoying your podcasts. I find them so informative and the shorts are delivered with both comedy and clarity. I would love to have a workbook to go through with my partner, on some of these subjects as a follow up. Thank you for your content and honesty in sharing your experiences 🩷
I appreciate your eye opening knowledge on this sensitive topic. I will definitely keep this as a guide for my relationship. Thank you
My partner and I, we are in a rough time ultimately, we find ourselves having conflict almost everyday and even when it's a small thing, it goes out of hand , plus I have problems managing my anxiety and I end up having panic attacks easily. We never name call each other or yell at each other, we just find really hard giving the other what they need while attending our own needs, and it takes us to a really defensive place and we feel so much fear and hurt and neglected. I'm actively searching ways to change this whole situation cause I really love her and I know she loves me too, she is really special to me and I don't want to lose the relationship we built. I found this video really helpful and gentle and I will talk with my partner about this, thank you
Thank you for this! Having the knowledge of this is exactly what I needed.
I thank you for this valuable lesson. I have shared this with my partner who has left but know we care for each other. ❤
Wow! Thank you for sharing. I really needed to be educated on this topic.
Absolutely love your content. I'm married and it's pretty much everything that you said on the part of troubles and. And growing apart creating that distance is going on with us right now. But we're gonna practice what you said.
And believe in the mindset and make it happen. Thank you so much. Love your content game changer, keep it up.❤❤🎉🎉🎉🎉❤
No need to apologize for the length, there was a lot to cover, and I appreciate all of it. It sounds so easy when you explain it, but it has been such an uphill battle. Both of us struggle to feel safe without feeling attacked. We both interrupt each other, and we both feel defensive. It’s been going on for a long time so it’s gonna take some time to work through it but we’re both determined. Your videos are very helpful. I’m willing to keep trying for a little while and if after a year of this, nothing changes, then we’ll have to consider other options. Thank you JIMMY! Love you so much! ❤🎉
Thank you for the time you take to make these videos. You have helped me tremendously. I will be on the lookout for your next one. I'd love to see some more skits also they really make me laugh. Thank you again for your wisdom on relationships! Have a blessed day!❤