This is the video I have been needing. I was with my ex wife for 14 years. I tried to give her everything she wanted in life. I stood by her through everything including her breast cancer. We had a child together. We shared so many good memories. I thought she loved me. She told me I was the love of her life. When she suddenly destroyed our marriage she didn’t even shed a tear. It was so easy for her. She had a new man within weeks of leaving me. She ripped my son’s life apart. She set our family on fire. My soul was burned beyond recognition and she did it on purpose. The rage I feel for her betrayal is like nothing I can explain. I can’t seem to get over it. It has destroyed my fundamental beliefs in life.
In time, you will put it behind you. The pain will go away, and your new life will emerge. Stay strong, stay single. Focus on yourself and your son. I speak from experience.
When I found out the wife was having her affair, she stepped it up, and dated in front of me. She was hoping I would lay my hands on her. I didn’t take take the bait. I told her to get out. I filed for divorce and got it done quickly. I got custody of our kids. Her betrayal and rubbing my nose in it was pre-mediated and evil. It was the worst thing that I had ever gone through but a short time later I realized she had given me a gift by exiting my life.
Betrayal is the worst feeling ever because it comes from someone you thought loved you. Personally for me it starts to fade but I'll never ever forget the person who betrayed me.
Don't give anyone else power over your happiness. It's not necessarily easy to do. But you will be much happier forgiving them and moving on. You don't need them in your life. God will show them what they did wrong.
Entitlements need changed 60/40. See if that improves this mess. I say it will vastly. After all when she dates it's all free, but the husband or guy must pay for everything.
Betrayal is what still hurts me. Everything I ever did for her and our family was for nothing. Putting her before me wasn't enough. Her Betrayal is why I still suffer from PTSD. I will never be the same.
You're right, you won't be the same. You will be better. It will take effort on your part, but you can beat the PTSD. Believe me, as a 72 year old man who has experienced "few things in life", I know all about PTSD. Stay strong friend, focus on your own inner well-being.
I read in a comment that relationships are not like a bank account or fund. No matter how we invest in it, when it ends, you can end up with zero. That's why it's so baffling to us men. We are builders, and we are willing to sacrifice a lot to build something solid. But that "solid" is an illusion we fall for, since she can take it all away when her feelings change. It's like building on moving sand. And boy do women move on fast. That also shocks us. Hence why we feel it was for nothing. But deep down, you know it wasn't. It was for that time. And the worst part to me: I knew it all from another breakup, yet my last one was the most destructive one. Heart crushed to pieces. Worse than when the mother of my kids broke the family. Still, hopefully, this "not a bank account" analogy POV helps you somehow. Stay strong.
This. Unfortunately, overtime I've learned there's no reward for loyalty. As women are survival creatures, they will do anything to chase that and their happiness.
I have long since recovered from my own shocking marital betrayal (of 15 years ago)(ending a 22 year relationship), yet the experience is not one that ever completely leaves you. Like any emotional wound it remains enshrined as a ward to your soul. That is not a bad thing when it makes you less naive and more prudent about who you allow on your boat.
John you brought up a lot of good points the biggest betrayal is when I ignored the red flags in my marriage and started to accept the drama and disrespect an allowing the BS to go on I do suffer from PTSD a part of that was from the divorce and other contributors outside the divorce the difference between death and divorce death there's a closure divorce can be very humiliating to a man especially when he's never seen it coming I am finding peace that I know that I lived up to my marriage vows and I provided for my family Brothers hold your head up believe in yourself and listen to John's videos he's very knowledgeable thanks John👍💪💪
@@brianhall8097 been there. I ignored red flags but we already married. I can’t pull the plug coz I know the legal side of it. We will pay for it both financially and emotionally. This is the pain every men go through in a Divorce. The person you trust and sleep beside and that person betrayed you.
It’s not. Trust me on that. Best thing that happened to me and the kids. After the divorce the kids stayed with me and we all thrived without her constant complaining, bitching, unnecessarily correcting the children over insignificant things they did. Was wonderful the day she left and never returned.
To the OP, please understand brother. Marriage and divorce are concepts we humans created. This is the type of thinking that makes men off themselves. If you are in a good marriage, super ..you won the lottery but if not don't force the Disney fantasy.
"Admiration is a state furthest from understanding." - Tite Kubo Betrayal by someone you completely trusted leaves deep psychological scars: You are left questioning your perception of reality - how could you have been this blind, this trusting, and does your flawed perception extend to your other relationships? There is no "getting over it" as society loves to shame men to do, and as John Rambo famously said, "nothing is over, nothing! you don't get to just turn it off". There sixth stage of grief that was left out is forgiveness - the person that men universally have a problem forgiving is themselves. Learning to trust yourself again and love the man in the mirror is the last huddle to mending a broken heart.❤
Betrayal is the violation of TRUST, when you drop your defenses, expose your vulnerabilities, and have them exploited by somebody you thought you knew, and you thought you loved. But, you NEVER really knew them.
What is worse is when the person who betrayed you is also pretending they didn't and gaslighting you into believing something other than what happened.
When I was in therapy with my ex I was explaining to her that it was like a missing person case, except it was our relationship. The fact that she couldn't clearly explain what she was thinking, feeling, or show any accountability for her choices was as if a loved one went missing and nothing was ever found. No body, no closure. I explained all of this, asked her to write something out, communicate anything beyond "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore". She never responded, never gave any account, and she was an aspiring writer, having spent years writing stories, getting into character's heads for her stories, and yet couldn't give any substance to why she did what she did. So yes, I can relate to the idea that the death of a loved one, where you do get a sense of closure around their passing, is not as heavy as a loved one disappearing, getting only the barest hint of their disappearance, and then silence from then on out. I feel like betrayal and lack of accountability feels similar. Betrayal trauma is a real thing, if you haven't heard of it, look it up. There are therapists that specialize in it.
It took some time but I learned that the ex-wife is a malignant narcissist. She had nothing to give me or our kids, she is a bucket with a hole in it. She had no empathy or compassion for any of us. The one day a week I worked a double shift at my job she still refused to help me with our kids. Her betrayal includes dating in front of me and later bragging about it on social media. Fortunately I got our kids in the divorce. She would sabotage her own visitations with our kids to get back at me for moving on with my life. Shortly after she left, I realized she had given me the best gift ever by leaving me. There were times I got lonely but I never did miss her. She did everything she could to make my life difficult.
The other element to betrayal is knowing the woman you love is still alive and well but giving all her love to someone else without a second thought for you. That does terrible things to a mans sanity, ego, value and worth.
Death hurts, their absence and all...but the feelings are...well, let's just say you had a good relationship, you loved each other, truly. The good feelings remained. They were...real. But not with betrayal...with betrayal, everything you experienced before...even the 'good' moments, suddenly feel like everything was a lie, a facade, an illusion. This breaks one's heart in ways the loss by death not necessarily would.
So true I felt the same way. I thought back on everything and wondered, What was real and what was fake?. There can be no discernment of the two. I now know I will truly never know. It's been almost 3 years since the divorce was final and I am just starting to go down the path of forgiving her. Some may say never, but my life won't be truly mine until I do.
@RR-bh8vd I once heard some words about forgiveness that resonated with me... "Forgiving is not forgetting, forgiving is not making peace. Forgiving is not pretending it never happened or taking away the other person's blame. Forgiving is taking away the weight that bothers you. That's what it means to forgive. You're holding a rope, your hand is bleeding, wounded and you're complaining about the pain. What do you need to do? Let go, let go. That's what forgiving is, it's taking the weight off you, it has nothing to do with the other person. I don't forgive because I take the blame away from you, I don't forgive because I like you, I forgive for me, just for me." And people often confuse forgiving someone with taking them back, with allowing them back into your life...but it's not that, it's letting go of the anger, hate, resentment, these 'handcuffs/chains/shackles' that bind you to that person. When you forgive, you free yourself from this 'prison'. But that doesn't mean you're gonna give them another chance, trust them again.
@@Roddy_Zeh So true. I turned away from God 40 years ago and have recently turned back to him. This last month or so has been the most profound personal growth that I can ever imagine. I have been praying for the strength to forgive her for the wrongs she had done. I now realize that I have been the one holding myself back. The anger and resentment was my pride getting in the way. I wish you the best brother. Peace and love always
Powerful. You are the perfect example of basic wisdom. My first wife (a college girlfriend who tracked me down when I was in the Army) was a drunk who wanted to wallow in the bottle, but she was the one who left. Then, my second was a beautiful wife who got multiple sclerosis and died. I got over that. Then, I met a woman, younger, wealthy, spoiled like a schoolgirl who ripped heart apart, divorced me, through me out. We had a beautiful daughter. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Hopelessness, despair, worthlessness, suicidal. What a failure. The only thing that saved me was just living for my daughter. Now, I am living like the soldier I once was, spiritually, intellectually, seeking wisdom.
@@Plumduff3303 I am in the same position. It occurred over 15 years ago but the pain still remains. I just don't talk about it with anyone because very few can relate to it.
You never get over it ,but you do eventually get through it. Especially when men like you are able to bare their soul and relate their experience to other men helps tremendously. I have been widowed and divorced twice in the process of trying to recreate the marriage I had. It just doesn't work like that. Once I embraced my life as a single man my life changed and things began to fall into place. I have no desire to ever be married again or have an LTR. I am a man of a certain age and my children and grand children bring me great comfort. My advice to any young man today is go into marriage with eyes wide open and understand the risk. It is better to think you might want to be married , than be married and wishing you were single. Be your own man, there is a whole world out there. Embrace it. Thanks for all you do John. Stay the course!
Thank you John. Dealing with the fallout from the end of a 25 year marriage - this video speaks directly to me. Reading the comments, it speaks to many. It’s unfortunate that there are so many of us. My view of reality has changed drastically over the past year. Your content helps me put things back into a healthy perspective.
This video is so spot on and I can relate to everything being said here. This is actually the first time i`ve listened to someone explain in detail what i`ve also experienced in my own life and divorce. For a long time i wondered if I was the only one reacting so strongly to the feeling of deep betrayal. The betrayal described here is so devasting, it hits like a hammer out of the blue, makes you question everything about yourself, your marriage and your worth. It can destroy your health and cause immense bitterness. For me it was THE life altering moment. I`m a different person now for good and bad.
Thank you for posting this video. The betrayal of my ex-wife was so cruel… and so malevolent… Not only will I not get married again, but I will never live with a woman.
This is hard John. I was able to fix myself both physically and emotionally after divorced. I’m into road cycling seriously and i loose a lot of weight and very fit now. BUT, the mental side of it, it’s hard. I work outside my mostly on the road on my own. No matter what you do it keep going inside your mind about the betrayal of your ex. You invested so much and built for many years and just thrown it away easily.
I know how you feel. The difficult thing with betrayal is that you can’t trust yourself because somehow you weren’t aware that you were being betrayed by someone you trusted completely. It’s hard to get past it.
I love listening to your messages. This one is extremely important to me personally as I heal from betrayal. Atfer 38 years of marriage, and two years of dating for a total of 40 years. I was certainly in the wilderness. When a man makes a vow to lay his life down for his wife, to provide, and to protect her for 40 years, the betrayal is a lifetime of pain, and sorrow that has to be worked through. When I asked if she would go to therapy, she refused. When I asked her why? She said that the therapist would blame her. Well, if the shoe fits, shouldn't it be worn? It's never about two people. Its about the family unit if you have children as it gets destroyed, with examples of what should have been wisdom, honor, and love to tales of infidelity, and selfishness for the children and grandchildren to ponder. Now I'm free. Now I have money, now I have peace and serenity. Now I've healed from an STD, but I don't know if one child is mine. I've also learned a lot about myself, and I've been on a healing journey to wholeness. Yes, she got half, and her funds are running out even after she remarried. Yes, I've forgiven her, but I'll never forget what she did, as she cries on facebook about being a victem, and how her children have disowned her. I've since moved away and am starting over without the baggage. Thanks again for your wisdom.😊 I'll never place myself in a weakened submissive state again, owing half my assets to another person. Once is enough.
Hey John, just wanted to let you know that your channel is awesome. I can really relate, not only to what you went through-your disappointment, your awakening-but also to your sensitivity and your articulate analysis. You seem like a very smart and kind man, and I appreciate you sharing such personal stuff. Thank you, Brother
My ex stuck around until my wealthy grandpa passed away. After he passed it was extremely clear she pulled away and was absent in the relationship. She went as far as actually asking me if I was withholding the inheritance from her (which I was not, it had not yet cleared the lawyers). She contacted a lawyer, only to realize inheritance isn’t a marital asset unless it is placed into a joint account or spent on a joint asset.
@andre1987eph she probably divorced him. I went through similar where my aunt passed. Used $ to fix up the house and then used it to pay taxes from 2021 crypto gains. She lost her fucking shit calling my mom and telling her how I used the inheritance.
John is spot on here, with the added zinger of the feelings of worthlessness. Finding out that you were betrayed is mule kick in the balls...but then being told by your own mother that it was your fault and deserved it? That is a wound that never completely heals....
Cheating ex wife 15 years ago told me I was being dramatic because it was "just a piece of paper" when I was upset she cheated. I'll never forget it. It changed me. I date now but I'll never fully invest myself into another relationship. I expect them all to end and I don't fully trust... and I certainly care nothing about getting another "piece of paper".
I’m grateful that even after several years post separation you have vivid insights regarding the experience of being discarded by your wife. You distilled it so well. I am 9 months out. It was like I was sitting in my car at a red light. Nice sunny day with the windows down. And just as I realized that I was on the railroad tracks, the train took me out.
I experienced this and everything you said is spot on. Was married for 25 years with 2 kids. The kids will also see the truth in what is happening in the relationship between the parents. They can see who is behaving strangely and who is trying to keep everything together. The truth always prevails. Another great thing is after getting divorced and moving on with my life, the grass is not always greener on the other side for the homewrecker. She is not happier with this guy and I know she regrets everything now. I am so happy I am no longer with her. Great video John!
Very sad indeed. From what I can see in situations where the woman regrets being with a new man, she regrets that her plan to monkey branch has failed.
Same!! 18 yrs and 2 kids, and I'm doing great, and she is struggling emotionally and financially. I was happy being single, but my new lady is beautiful and nice!! I feel sorry for my ex, but I'd never reconcile. We are good friends now, and co parent, and when she bitches and moans about her life and how hard she has to work to pay her mortgage, I don't even remind her how easy she had it with me paying for everything!! She knows!!
Thank you John, still suffering from betrayal long after the grieving process is through. All the introspection brought me to awareness and acceptance; I am the same person.
Another great video. Even though it's been 4-5 years for me, feelings of loss still come up. Knowing we are not alone is essential. I know of many men who didn't survive the trauma: my cousin's high school classmate committed suicide. Another friend's brother suffered a literal heart-attack and died (heartbreak?). Your videos are valuable, and hopefully more men who are struggling with loss, betrayal and trauma will find them.
Faking it and then stealing money from me really hurt. But I was able to learn from that experience, I look at it as a lesson I had to learn the hard way.
I had both a parent and a sibling die in the same year that my then wife committed adultery with a married man and divorced me and married him. The adultery was FAR FAR worse than losing my parent and my sibling. The horror of betrayal was far worse than the death of my parent and sibling. Betrayal affects you in a very different way. You will have a hard time trusting other people ever again.
I think the reason is that betrayal is something that you created the opportunity to occur when you trusted another person. And so it’s more than just what they did, it’s how you trusted them in the first place. It makes it really hard to trust your own judgment from that point forward.
With a betrayal you have to live with the knowledge that person is still alive and well but giving all their love to someone else and that you are in fact dead to them. That's the difference and it's devastating.
@@john-griffin Good point about not trusting my own judgement going forward. I feel like I was such a bad judge of character. Makes me doubt my ability to judge character now. Maybe that new skepticism is a good thing.
My husband betrayed me a year ago and I am still questioning everything in our 20 years of marriage. Will I ever trust another man again? I don't know, You are right, post traumatic stress is real.I know you are mainly talking to men on this channel, but you seem to be saying everything I need to hear . Thank you for all your help.
Sorry it went bad for you. As you can see here, the majority of men really love their woman. Know that, and pick a good man. There are lots of good loving men
Her attacks and infidelity towards me at the end of our marriage ended with my suicide attempt. Mostly because I was left in limbo, there if she wanted me. I chose to leave after my attempt and filed for divorce 2 months later. Everyone in my social circle have said” I hate to say it, but it sure looks like she is trying to kill you”. The attacks, personal and financial. She has tried to utterly destroy me. 5 years later she is mad still. I’m happy to say I’m in a better place emotionally, financially than I ever was with her.
The only way to truly understand unconditional love is to experience betrayal. DO you still love them after that? Or is there a condition that you are loved back?
Forgive (not easy) but NEVER forget. I also remember telling my ex wife that it can not be undone later... She wanted me to take her back after the divorce, but I politely declined.
I've been watching your stuff and this is by far the very best! It's the betrayal that hurts the most. I'm recovering but I have days that I feel like something was ripped out of me and that I'm trying to pull myself together just for the sake of my kids. I don't think us men truly get over it, we learn not to repeat those mistakes and just move on.
Like I said in the video, it’s like PTSD. There’s an inability of your mind to reconcile your belief about your marriage and the reality of it. It’s like when a soldier sees his best friend blown up in front of them. He wants to believe that his friend is still there, but the reality is impossible for him to reconcile. It’s very difficult to get over that.
Dang, I experienced most of what you described. Four years later and I'm content with my life. I do live in the house we raised our daughter in and even though I'm past it all this house and the pets we had together (two have died over the last two years) but all of it can bring back bad thinking. If I lived in a new place it would be better.
Your videos are unique from all the others I watch, and I have watched quite a few on UA-cam. You are someone have made your own niche in this space. You hit home on so many points and I can see in your face the same things I felt and experienced in my marriage.
Thanks, I watched a lot of those videos in the Manosphere as well and I find that they are all same. They just keep spewing the same hateful crap. Some of it is very funny but it’s very repetitive.
Hey I really appreciate your format here-reflection self examination self determination to stand for your self after loss. The worst part of betrayal I think perhaps is how the close person in our lives would see our demise rather than that we stand..they wish for our demise or at least so it seems…
Hello John, In another video you told all of us that your wife didnt want to be married anymore (7 years into the relationship) .... You got mad but kept yourself from going violent. I found that video very good like all your others have been. My point is: let it be a warning to all younger men, around 5 to 7 years the relationship is coming to a point where it is not the same and your woman will not feel the love anymore. DONT wait for her to make a decision!!! Be strong and make the decision for the both of you. Keep your dignity. If you wait then she will strip you of your confidence. It is hard but your self respect is more important! You need to live with YOU for the rest of your life!
I remember feeling very frightened as I felt I was now living with a total stranger. Yes you’re right the intention of it was very painful and the fact that he had been discussing me with her was traumatising . I’m sorry to say I did have PTSD for a few years after the event unfortunately, it really was a truly awful time . Glad to have been able to divorce him🙏
You know, I, like many, blame women, as we are mostly men on these kind of channels, and really resentful as we are bombarded with the "men are toxic/women are more powerful yet victims" narrative. But I think anyone dumped feels the same, man or woman. It's just a fact that women do 80% of the dumping for long term relationships. But these 20% of women dumped suffer the same way. The dumper always moves on quick as they had prepared for it.
Betrayal. It breaks you down, into something you don't even recognize. Until you are forced to see that you must re-build yourself. Priorities, boundaries, etc. And emerge a better person, wiser, on the other side. Once you accept this major shift in your life.
You describe the situation well. I agree that the betrayal is worth than death. Because it is death. The death of a critical relationship. But the betrayal makes it murder. Men suffer this betrayal in silence because society doesn’t understand the struggle and is insensitive to it. Tough times. We men need to get through it ourselves and it makes us stronger.
Thanks John, great conversation. It takes years to get over divorce betrayal. I'm sure a person never totally ever gets over it. You just adjust your life to manage existence. Thanks for your thoughts.
John, this video is better than paying for therapy! It was very stimulating and made me compare both sides AFTER my divorce. I had my flaws and she had hers. Mine were BOOZE, GAMBLING, SMOKING but I was functional, fighting in the trenches 12+ hours a day in my hardcore operations job. She had and still is an "Alpha Feminist" with a "Narcissist god's complex". So, after watching many of your videos I realized there are so many of us that feel the same way. But because many of us are or try to maintain the Alpha Male image, we are still conditioned to “Protect and Serve” without really thinking about the controlling wife…… food for thoughts… any responses would be appreciated.
@@PricelessSpits I think that we are raised from a very young age to be committed to our families and our wives. And will be entering to a marriage we take it very serious. We assume any problems can be worked out. Women don’t see it that way at all.
John, I still feel the pain of betrayal even after 22 years, and see this, I was only 22 years old that time and she was 18, very young, immature but it sill lingers.
Its hard to let go because you can't give yourself the forgiveness you need. Even though it was her doing, you still blame yourself on some level. It is hard to move past something that lives in your head. You just have to find a way to forgive yourself for getting yourself into the situation to begin with. I think that is the reason so many of us can't move on.
Once I went through my betrayal of my ex, it extended to my so called friends who ghosted me. I found myself self isolating, focusing on work, fixing and modifying cars, working on number 3 right now. I find happiness in being productive at work and in areas of my life I enjoy. My cortisol levels are way lower now. The stress of walking on egg shells has finally left me after 4 years of divorce. Find yourself gentleman, find what makes you happy and positively productive in life.
I am having to say goodbye to my best friend Omie. He is the most loving being to me. and my best friend. You should talk about the loss of a pet....the animal that loved you no matter what and happy to see you...
I've lost a few pets over the years. I honestly think losing a pet is, in it's own way, harder than losing a person you care about. As humans we understand that "the future's uncertain, the end is always near". But we look at our pets, they live in the here and now, have no concept of what future holds, and likely just can't understand why the pain comes in old age. We humans take that to heart, and want so much for our pet to be young and whole again. I'm sorry to hear of your buddy Omie. They certainly leave pawprints of love on our hearts.
Wow. I got to tell you John, you just understand it, and verbalized it so well. So soothing for me, and I'm sure, for a lot of us. To feel someone out there gets it, gets what we are going through, it hits in the feels, in a good way. In a GREAT way. Awesome video. Thank you. The points I have different POVs, is that I know for my ex, as for most women, it's just female nature: if their attraction levels dropped, so did their love. It just went away. Especially if they have latched it to a new man. Oh it hurts, baaaaaad. But my different POV is that I know she really loved me at one point, she meant it then. It wasn't intentional or malicious that it's gone, yet it IS a betrayal. The betrayal of not fighting it out for our couple, not give it a real chance, like most of us men would. No loyalty. Their love is fickle. They live in the NOW. Anything good or bad they feel towards us, we must add 'right now' to it. So fickle. Second point is that I know I could have done X, Y and Z much better. And it sucks. Oh, it doesn't, at all, make me forgive her in that sense. As again, because her attraction levels dropped, that amazing love, that amazing relationship, all those precious moments, all those bonds between me and her family, she and my kids, all we did that was unique, all that is gone forever. I know what I could have done to raise her attraction levels, but we are not perfect, and the punishment is way worse than the '"crime" here. Modern era makes women's hypergamy without obstacles, even for "good women". What a hopeless endeavor for young men! At least we experienced, for a time, a different era. I fail to see how 95% of today's relationships can last with hypergamy without boundaries, dating apps, social media, and the "women can do no wrong" culture.
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m glad the video resonated with you. One thing to remember is that she’s not your problem anymore. Hopefully that some consolation.
Great comment sir. You are absolutely correct that their love is fickle, momentary and changeable. That is the single biggest incompatibility between men and women, especially as you say with modern women where their hypergamy is unleashed. Beware of new relationships. I've suffered more pain with those than I did with my wife. The hypergamy turnover time is so much shorter now. 6-12 months and they're gone leaving you in the same mess over and over again but at a phase when you're still deeply in love with them. The only way to protect your heart nowadays is to avoid them all.
@@WildB06 Same here, When the mother of my kids broke it off, I was sad for my kids. Since they took it quite well, it was much easier than the two breakups I had after. Especially my last one. She told me a year in I had built a wall around my heart - and it was true. Well she crumbled that wall, big time. My reward: heart crushed like never before. As it take at least 12-18 months for me to really commit, if I ever do, their hypergamy kicks in AFTER. As THEN they start to lose attraction... Fickle is fickle. I thought I had something SUPER solid last time. I was wrong.
@@john-griffin well, TBH, no, it's not a consolation at all. I loved that woman deeply, and the relationship, to ME anyway, was crazy good while it lasted. Hence the hurt and feeling of betrayal. To me throwing away such a GREAT thing we had is shocking, stupid beyond my comprehension. And to know she is with a new man gives me fits of RAGE. I was never like that for anyone else before. That's the downside of modern hypergamy in this modern culture: the (very few) good gals, naïve, idealist, with low bodycount, still think instinctively they can find better, find Mister Ideal somewhere. You're never good enough (after a while). Even if the pair bonding was deep, unlike for 90% plus of women that have lost that ability. Thing is, relationships take TIME. She will start from zero and likely miss out how her chance to have her family she wanted. I wasn't good enough anymore. Hypergamy in a nutshell. It affects them all, promiscuous ones, damaged ones, and even the "good ones". There's no pushback on them to stay anymore. Just like if our own polygamous and violent instincts had no boundaries. It used to be a man's world. Not now in the West, that's for sure!
@@MVProfits yep when it ended with my wife I was actually relieved to be free. Even though she detonated, I was already done by that point and just going along for the kids. Totally different story with the two afterwards. They detonated in the prime of the relationship and that cuts deep. After the first new one nearly broke me I swore never again after taking a certain coloured reality pill... but after 5 years of going alone I met the most stunning woman I'd ever seen and before I knew it I was in deep. 12 months later, detonation again. I'm definitely done now! Can't take anymore.
We can sit and wallow, ruminating over all the people that have shit on us in the past, bu it does really no good. We get our early education starting as a kid navigating all the alliances and friendship shifts that occur and die during that time. Then you go on to get a more advanced level when we hit our teens and go thru social interactions/dating. However, when I hit my 20's I thought everyone grew up, straightened TF up and flies right, learning from the past. Well, the reality we want is in fact still dreamland thinking. So we toughen up and go cold. We buy a good bike, riding leathers and route out a different direction and plan in life. Time is a thief. Be Well.
My ex betrayed me and my family. After 18 years of marriage she went out and had an affair she destroyed our family. She had no remorse for what she did. 6 months of her being gone and living with her new supplier I have learned how to let her go and move on. Me and the kids are better off without her in our life we don’t need her. All I have to say happy trails ✌🏽.
My ex made false accusations against me when I told her I wanted a divorce, and my kids believed her and betrayed me. That betrayal was worse than losing the wife.
Thank you John. You really are helping others. I can attest to that. It’s like you are my virtual big brother. I’m so grateful for your calm demeanor and sometimes funny too. This video is tops among all the fantastic videos you have provided. #priceless I have more gratitude than you may ever know. Keep hiking and producing more videos, please.
I stupidly spent $2,000 on a private detective to try to get answers to the question “what the hell is going on?” None of what she was saying made any sense to me or those around us. After the court date, ALL of the truth smacked me up side the head.
When I was eight or nine I made a bet with my mom that I would never get married. She bet me $100. That was back in about 1966. She's almost 91 now and I occasionally remind her of our bet...and the compounded interest. It's a bit of fun I have with her. N.B. She has been a very good mother to me. I consider myself fortunate.
I had to look it up. $100 back in 1966 would be the equivalent of $965 in 2024 dollars. Glad to hear she has been a very good mother. Mine was as well, and it makes all the difference across your life.
Men need to have self-esteem made of steel. Not only is divorce a betrayal of most hurtful kind but life as a single man can be just as hurtful. Society doesn't like single men, they're looked at as pariahs, as incomplete, as awkward and are viewed with skepticism, ridicule and even suspicion. It's extremely important that single and newly single men indulge in positive activities that enhance themselves, make them feel good and contribute to their self-esteem!! Society, friends and relatives really can't help you.
Single men are OK today. It is the result of low class women today. Single men are much more understood and respected than they ever have been. It is single women today that are the leeches on society
Once I quit caring about what other people thought of me, it was all much easier. The only two that I was concerned with regarding that was my kids and my employer. Everybody else can kiss off.
Gawddamn John, where were you 7 yrs ago when I needed you. Haha . Gathering intel for us. I still hold my head up high how I tried to forget & forgive for my young family . But in the end , it never goes away. I was told that “ it’s not fair” on my part, yup! It was never fair to begin with.
What really killed me is I thought my soon (hopefully) ex had my back but turned on me and stabbed me in the back. We went through so much together and I was killing myself renovating an old Victorian mansion farm did all kinds of work and investments all while she was trashing me behind my back tricking me and now I’m holding the bag. Even with my stressful job she always had my back until recently she told me to shut up about it all. I feel like a dog someone had for a while and dropped off at the pound.
I've lived alone amongst the countries most beautiful women all my adulthood. I turned in to a man. You now have the opportunity to do the same now that you're free of women.
Completely accurate, thanks for the philosophical monologue, always helpful. I insist, you should write a book about all of these thoughts, if you need a writing guide, I created one that I can share. Cheers!
I agree John. I lost my wife of 39 years and it was brutal, but after 6 years I am OK. Then came along a new love (or so I thought) that cheated on me within a year. I do feel worse. It has been a year since we parted, and I still feel worse than when I lost my wife. I keep saying I have to get a new woman to get over her, but I have a fear of reconnecting to another woman. I just don't have the courage I did
Maybe it's time for you to consider this new chapter of life in a different way: as a "single" man who gets to decide everything in life on his own, without the compromises/complications of another person.
How could this happen to me? It was hard to face, but I chose poorly. I ignored or didn't see the red flags, that is the truth. My only recourse to truly move on in my life is to forgive. There is no other way to move forward healthily.
Hi have one comment: you're somewhat right , but the loss of a child is much more painful. You can always find another husband or wife but never recover from that. experiencing both I'd choose divorce
John, I think you hit on a key point when you said "we all understand that death is part of life". That's another way of saying, deep down, we know that death will come. By comparison, when we got married, we took it seriously that this relationship was to last for our lifetime. The marriage is not supposed "to die".
i’m doing my best & i know it’s not very good , but it’s the best i can do …. just thank you for your help , will i ever be normal, i just don’t know. 32 years married and i’m trying to put the pieces back together because I know I don’t have a lot of life left , it’s a race to heal and enjoy my time.. it takes time to heal and except that it will heal in time. thanks john
That’s all you can do. Just heighten your awareness about the experience and focus on life after divorce. Imagine what it will be like when you’re emotionally free of this experience.
Good morning, ⛅ clouds and rain. Trinity church, arkansas, Lead pastor Matt sculley, was married for 10 years with 2 children. His wife, cokie, a school teacher left the Marriage, years ago. Matt kept the children, recovered from this e event and remarried a few years ago. He refused to resign from the church. Cookie, moved on and got her master's degree and got herself a new man!
This is the video I have been needing. I was with my ex wife for 14 years. I tried to give her everything she wanted in life. I stood by her through everything including her breast cancer. We had a child together. We shared so many good memories. I thought she loved me. She told me I was the love of her life. When she suddenly destroyed our marriage she didn’t even shed a tear. It was so easy for her. She had a new man within weeks of leaving me. She ripped my son’s life apart. She set our family on fire. My soul was burned beyond recognition and she did it on purpose. The rage I feel for her betrayal is like nothing I can explain. I can’t seem to get over it. It has destroyed my fundamental beliefs in life.
So sorry pal ..
In time, you will put it behind you. The pain will go away, and your new life will emerge. Stay strong, stay single. Focus on yourself and your son. I speak from experience.
Pulling and praying for you man, I'm sorry to hear it.
Sorry bro
You have better days ahead of you.
She will have to give an accounting of her behavior to God.
When I found out the wife was having her affair, she stepped it up, and dated in front of me. She was hoping I would lay my hands on her. I didn’t take take the bait. I told her to get out. I filed for divorce and got it done quickly. I got custody of our kids. Her betrayal and rubbing my nose in it was pre-mediated and evil. It was the worst thing that I had ever gone through but a short time later I realized she had given me a gift by exiting my life.
@@racebannon96 💪
Same here man rubbing it in my nose is the worst. No respect or shame in doing that to your partner and so hurtful
That’s the best way to look at it. It’s a backhanded gift but a gift nevertheless
You need to research NPD. Thank me later.
No heart, no soul, no love The Devil !!!!!!
Betrayal is the worst feeling ever because it comes from someone you thought loved you. Personally for me it starts to fade but I'll never ever forget the person who betrayed me.
I’m right there with you, brother
Don't give anyone else power over your happiness.
It's not necessarily easy to do. But you will be much happier forgiving them and moving on.
You don't need them in your life. God will show them what they did wrong.
Betrayal. Dante’s 9th Ring of Hell . Caiphas Judas etc
One word. Pain.
There is no need (or ability) to forget. What is important to do is to forgive, and that is possible for anyone.
Yes! ..."men are in LOVE and women are in "BUSINESS."
Cold blooded business, “and arms length.” 😂
Entitlements need changed 60/40. See if that improves this mess. I say it will vastly. After all when she dates it's all free, but the husband or guy must pay for everything.
How many of us, that have gone through this, are out there?? Holy Crap!
It seems that it’s more the rule than the exception
its either already happened or its about to happen.
Tens of millions I’m sure
In death, she left but didn't want to go. In divorce, she wanted to leave.
Betrayal is what still hurts me. Everything I ever did for her and our family was for nothing. Putting her before me wasn't enough. Her Betrayal is why I still suffer from PTSD. I will never be the same.
You're right, you won't be the same. You will be better. It will take effort on your part, but you can beat the PTSD. Believe me, as a 72 year old man who has experienced "few things in life", I know all about PTSD. Stay strong friend, focus on your own inner well-being.
I read in a comment that relationships are not like a bank account or fund. No matter how we invest in it, when it ends, you can end up with zero. That's why it's so baffling to us men. We are builders, and we are willing to sacrifice a lot to build something solid. But that "solid" is an illusion we fall for, since she can take it all away when her feelings change. It's like building on moving sand. And boy do women move on fast. That also shocks us. Hence why we feel it was for nothing. But deep down, you know it wasn't. It was for that time.
And the worst part to me: I knew it all from another breakup, yet my last one was the most destructive one. Heart crushed to pieces. Worse than when the mother of my kids broke the family. Still, hopefully, this "not a bank account" analogy POV helps you somehow. Stay strong.
Study NPD. It's probably the cause of the betrayal.
@@redpilllense7125 I will never trust another person completely since my divorce.
@@929cbr_rr Thank you, your words bring me comfort.
It hurts that much deeper when you were loyal. Not perfect, but loyal
This. Unfortunately, overtime I've learned there's no reward for loyalty. As women are survival creatures, they will do anything to chase that and their happiness.
Excellent. Until you have been betrayed you don’t understand .
I have long since recovered from my own shocking marital betrayal (of 15 years ago)(ending a 22 year relationship), yet the experience is not one that ever completely leaves you. Like any emotional wound it remains enshrined as a ward to your soul. That is not a bad thing when it makes you less naive and more prudent about who you allow on your boat.
@a.modestproposal2038 ill never be that stupid again either.
John, you are goona be famous.. This channel is going to explode.. Keep Going !!!
John you brought up a lot of good points the biggest betrayal is when I ignored the red flags in my marriage and started to accept the drama and disrespect an allowing the BS to go on I do suffer from PTSD a part of that was from the divorce and other contributors outside the divorce the difference between death and divorce death there's a closure divorce can be very humiliating to a man especially when he's never seen it coming I am finding peace that I know that I lived up to my marriage vows and I provided for my family Brothers hold your head up believe in yourself and listen to John's videos he's very knowledgeable thanks John👍💪💪
Thanks! Betrayal is probably the worst part of divorce.
@@brianhall8097 been there. I ignored red flags but we already married. I can’t pull the plug coz I know the legal side of it. We will pay for it both financially and emotionally. This is the pain every men go through in a Divorce. The person you trust and sleep beside and that person betrayed you.
For me, Divorce would be more painful than Death.
Interesting. For me, divorce was a cause for celebration. I was glad to be rid of the lying and cheating.
It’s not. Trust me on that. Best thing that happened to me and the kids. After the divorce the kids stayed with me and we all thrived without her constant complaining, bitching, unnecessarily correcting the children over insignificant things they did. Was wonderful the day she left and never returned.
@@929cbr_rr Yes, if you had a bad marriage.
To the OP, please understand brother. Marriage and divorce are concepts we humans created. This is the type of thinking that makes men off themselves.
If you are in a good marriage, super ..you won the lottery but if not don't force the Disney fantasy.
@@Florida_Joe75 yup. Death sounds easy compared to divorce.
"Admiration is a state furthest from understanding." - Tite Kubo
Betrayal by someone you completely trusted leaves deep psychological scars: You are left questioning your perception of reality - how could you have been this blind, this trusting, and does your flawed perception extend to your other relationships? There is no "getting over it" as society loves to shame men to do, and as John Rambo famously said, "nothing is over, nothing! you don't get to just turn it off".
There sixth stage of grief that was left out is forgiveness - the person that men universally have a problem forgiving is themselves. Learning to trust yourself again and love the man in the mirror is the last huddle to mending a broken heart.❤
Damn. Love First Blood, one of my fav films.
Betrayal is the violation of TRUST, when you drop your defenses, expose your vulnerabilities, and have them exploited by somebody you thought you knew, and you thought you loved. But, you NEVER really knew them.
Excactly! It is like you were married to a stranger.
The way I describe my own experience is that time may heal all wounds, but it can still leave one hell of a scar.
What is worse is when the person who betrayed you is also pretending they didn't and gaslighting you into believing something other than what happened.
I can relate!
Oh my days this.
When I was in therapy with my ex I was explaining to her that it was like a missing person case, except it was our relationship. The fact that she couldn't clearly explain what she was thinking, feeling, or show any accountability for her choices was as if a loved one went missing and nothing was ever found. No body, no closure.
I explained all of this, asked her to write something out, communicate anything beyond "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore". She never responded, never gave any account, and she was an aspiring writer, having spent years writing stories, getting into character's heads for her stories, and yet couldn't give any substance to why she did what she did.
So yes, I can relate to the idea that the death of a loved one, where you do get a sense of closure around their passing, is not as heavy as a loved one disappearing, getting only the barest hint of their disappearance, and then silence from then on out. I feel like betrayal and lack of accountability feels similar.
Betrayal trauma is a real thing, if you haven't heard of it, look it up. There are therapists that specialize in it.
It took some time but I learned that the ex-wife is a malignant narcissist. She had nothing to give me or our kids, she is a bucket with a hole in it. She had no empathy or compassion for any of us. The one day a week I worked a double shift at my job she still refused to help me with our kids. Her betrayal includes dating in front of me and later bragging about it on social media. Fortunately I got our kids in the divorce. She would sabotage her own visitations with our kids to get back at me for moving on with my life. Shortly after she left, I realized she had given me the best gift ever by leaving me. There were times I got lonely but I never did miss her. She did everything she could to make my life difficult.
The other element to betrayal is knowing the woman you love is still alive and well but giving all her love to someone else without a second thought for you.
That does terrible things to a mans sanity, ego, value and worth.
He's with a cheater. If she did it with him , she'll do it to him.
@@SKBottomOnly a matter of time. The grass is never greener.
As John says at the end of his vids. if you can stay single
just remember it is all fake and completely transactional
Death hurts, their absence and all...but the feelings are...well, let's just say you had a good relationship, you loved each other, truly. The good feelings remained. They were...real.
But not with betrayal...with betrayal, everything you experienced before...even the 'good' moments, suddenly feel like everything was a lie, a facade, an illusion.
This breaks one's heart in ways the loss by death not necessarily would.
So true I felt the same way. I thought back on everything and wondered, What was real and what was fake?. There can be no discernment of the two. I now know I will truly never know. It's been almost 3 years since the divorce was final and I am just starting to go down the path of forgiving her. Some may say never, but my life won't be truly mine until I do.
@RR-bh8vd I once heard some words about forgiveness that resonated with me...
"Forgiving is not forgetting, forgiving is not making peace. Forgiving is not pretending it never happened or taking away the other person's blame. Forgiving is taking away the weight that bothers you. That's what it means to forgive. You're holding a rope, your hand is bleeding, wounded and you're complaining about the pain. What do you need to do? Let go, let go.
That's what forgiving is, it's taking the weight off you, it has nothing to do with the other person. I don't forgive because I take the blame away from you, I don't forgive because I like you, I forgive for me, just for me."
And people often confuse forgiving someone with taking them back, with allowing them back into your life...but it's not that, it's letting go of the anger, hate, resentment, these 'handcuffs/chains/shackles' that bind you to that person. When you forgive, you free yourself from this 'prison'. But that doesn't mean you're gonna give them another chance, trust them again.
@@Roddy_Zeh So true. I turned away from God 40 years ago and have recently turned back to him. This last month or so has been the most profound personal growth that I can ever imagine. I have been praying for the strength to forgive her for the wrongs she had done. I now realize that I have been the one holding myself back. The anger and resentment was my pride getting in the way. I wish you the best brother. Peace and love always
@@RR-bh8vd Likewise, brother. May we all find the comfort and solace that we seek, and may God brings you good fortune, in all aspects in life. 🫂🙏🏻😊
@@Roddy_Zeh Right back at you
Unlike death, in betrayal, one can ask oneself "How long was I alone before the act of betrayal without even knowing it?".
Powerful. You are the perfect example of basic wisdom. My first wife (a college girlfriend who tracked me down when I was in the Army) was a drunk who wanted to wallow in the bottle, but she was the one who left. Then, my second was a beautiful wife who got multiple sclerosis and died. I got over that. Then, I met a woman, younger, wealthy, spoiled like a schoolgirl who ripped heart apart, divorced me, through me out. We had a beautiful daughter. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Hopelessness, despair, worthlessness, suicidal. What a failure. The only thing that saved me was just living for my daughter. Now, I am living like the soldier I once was, spiritually, intellectually, seeking wisdom.
Betrayals are tattling to get past. Glad you’re finding your way. You got to find your purpose. Kids will do that for you.
Damn man.. It pains me to hear that.. Your daughter will be there for you
I have been betrayed more than once. Can't believe it happened. leaves you empty, angry, sad and left alone to pick up the pieces.
I still struggle with the separation of FORGIVENESS and TRUST. This has the consequence of sometimes seeming bitter.
I was betrayed by my parents and my ex I will never trust anyone ever again.
@@Plumduff3303 I am in the same position. It occurred over 15 years ago but the pain still remains. I just don't talk about it with anyone because very few can relate to it.
Sorry to hear that for both of you. Best wishes.
You never get over it ,but you do eventually get through it. Especially when men like you are able to bare their soul and relate their experience to other men helps tremendously. I have been widowed and divorced twice in the process of trying to recreate the marriage I had. It just doesn't work like that. Once I embraced my life as a single man my life changed and things began to fall into place. I have no desire to ever be married again or have an LTR. I am a man of a certain age and my children and grand children bring me great comfort. My advice to any young man today is go into marriage with eyes wide open and understand the risk. It is better to think you might want to be married , than be married and wishing you were single. Be your own man, there is a whole world out there. Embrace it. Thanks for all you do John. Stay the course!
Betrayal is like a living death. It doesn't go away that's why it's so hard to put behind you.
Since my wife left me i have found only a dog will give you unconditional love. Like your dogs john
Thank you John. Dealing with the fallout from the end of a 25 year marriage - this video speaks directly to me. Reading the comments, it speaks to many. It’s unfortunate that there are so many of us. My view of reality has changed drastically over the past year. Your content helps me put things back into a healthy perspective.
Im really glad it resonates with you. Im sorry you're going through it now,
This video is so spot on and I can relate to everything being said here. This is actually the first time i`ve listened to someone explain in detail what i`ve also experienced in my own life and divorce. For a long time i wondered if I was the only one reacting so strongly to the feeling of deep betrayal.
The betrayal described here is so devasting, it hits like a hammer out of the blue, makes you question everything about yourself, your marriage and your worth. It can destroy your health and cause immense bitterness. For me it was THE life altering moment. I`m a different person now for good and bad.
Thank you for posting this video. The betrayal of my ex-wife was so cruel… and so malevolent… Not only will I not get married again, but I will never live with a woman.
This is hard John. I was able to fix myself both physically and emotionally after divorced. I’m into road cycling seriously and i loose a lot of weight and very fit now. BUT, the mental side of it, it’s hard. I work outside my mostly on the road on my own. No matter what you do it keep going inside your mind about the betrayal of your ex. You invested so much and built for many years and just thrown it away easily.
I know how you feel. The difficult thing with betrayal is that you can’t trust yourself because somehow you weren’t aware that you were being betrayed by someone you trusted completely. It’s hard to get past it.
My buddy Joe just wears the tires off his Harley. He said he only stops for gas and tires and he still can't outrun her memory
I love listening to your messages. This one is extremely important to me personally as I heal from betrayal.
Atfer 38 years of marriage, and two years of dating for a total of 40 years. I was certainly in the wilderness.
When a man makes a vow to lay his life down for his wife, to provide, and to protect her for 40 years, the betrayal is a lifetime of pain, and sorrow that has to be worked through. When I asked if she would go to therapy, she refused. When I asked her why? She said that the therapist would blame her.
Well, if the shoe fits, shouldn't it be worn? It's never about two people. Its about the family unit if you have children as it gets destroyed, with examples of what should have been wisdom, honor, and love to tales of infidelity, and selfishness for the children and grandchildren to ponder.
Now I'm free. Now I have money, now I have peace and serenity. Now I've healed from an STD, but I don't know if one child is mine.
I've also learned a lot about myself, and I've been on a healing journey to wholeness. Yes, she got half, and her funds are running out even after she remarried.
Yes, I've forgiven her, but I'll never forget what she did, as she cries on facebook about being a victem, and how her children have disowned her.
I've since moved away and am starting over without the baggage. Thanks again for your wisdom.😊
I'll never place myself in a weakened submissive state again, owing half my assets to another person. Once is enough.
Hey John, just wanted to let you know that your channel is awesome. I can really relate, not only to what you went through-your disappointment, your awakening-but also to your sensitivity and your articulate analysis. You seem like a very smart and kind man, and I appreciate you sharing such personal stuff. Thank you, Brother
I appreciate that! Thanks
Don't worry John, I'm staying single
@@martybarnardmb71 me too
Same
My ex stuck around until my wealthy grandpa passed away. After he passed it was extremely clear she pulled away and was absent in the relationship. She went as far as actually asking me if I was withholding the inheritance from her (which I was not, it had not yet cleared the lawyers). She contacted a lawyer, only to realize inheritance isn’t a marital asset unless it is placed into a joint account or spent on a joint asset.
You divorced her, I hope. 😊
@andre1987eph she probably divorced him. I went through similar where my aunt passed. Used $ to fix up the house and then used it to pay taxes from 2021 crypto gains. She lost her fucking shit calling my mom and telling her how I used the inheritance.
John is spot on here, with the added zinger of the feelings of worthlessness.
Finding out that you were betrayed is mule kick in the balls...but then being told by your own mother that it was your fault and deserved it? That is a wound that never completely heals....
Wow, that does make it a lot worse
Cheating ex wife 15 years ago told me I was being dramatic because it was "just a piece of paper" when I was upset she cheated.
I'll never forget it. It changed me. I date now but I'll never fully invest myself into another relationship. I expect them all to end and I don't fully trust... and I certainly care nothing about getting another "piece of paper".
Yep. You're never the same after.
I’m grateful that even after several years post separation you have vivid insights regarding the experience of being discarded by your wife. You distilled it so well. I am 9 months out. It was like I was sitting in my car at a red light. Nice sunny day with the windows down. And just as I realized that I was on the railroad tracks, the train took me out.
That’s a perfect description.
I experienced this and everything you said is spot on. Was married for 25 years with 2 kids. The kids will also see the truth in what is happening in the relationship between the parents. They can see who is behaving strangely and who is trying to keep everything together. The truth always prevails. Another great thing is after getting divorced and moving on with my life, the grass is not always greener on the other side for the homewrecker. She is not happier with this guy and I know she regrets everything now. I am so happy I am no longer with her. Great video John!
Very sad indeed. From what I can see in situations where the woman regrets being with a new man, she regrets that her plan to monkey branch has failed.
Same!! 18 yrs and 2 kids, and I'm doing great, and she is struggling emotionally and financially.
I was happy being single, but my new lady is beautiful and nice!!
I feel sorry for my ex, but I'd never reconcile. We are good friends now, and co parent, and when she bitches and moans about her life and how hard she has to work to pay her mortgage, I don't even remind her how easy she had it with me paying for everything!! She knows!!
@mikthe2004 You might be friendly with each other, but make no mistake, she is not your friend.
Thank you John, still suffering from betrayal long after the grieving process is through. All the introspection brought me to awareness and acceptance; I am the same person.
That’s the toughest part to let go of.
Another great video. Even though it's been 4-5 years for me, feelings of loss still come up. Knowing we are not alone is essential. I know of many men who didn't survive the trauma: my cousin's high school classmate committed suicide. Another friend's brother suffered a literal heart-attack and died (heartbreak?). Your videos are valuable, and hopefully more men who are struggling with loss, betrayal and trauma will find them.
Thanks.
Yes sir. All the same feelings I went through as well. Thank you for showing us all that we are not alone in what we suffered.
Yep, so may years has passed… as it happened yesterday…
Faking it and then stealing money from me really hurt.
But I was able to learn from that experience, I look at it as a lesson I had to learn the hard way.
I had both a parent and a sibling die in the same year that my then wife committed adultery with a married man and divorced me and married him. The adultery was FAR FAR worse than losing my parent and my sibling. The horror of betrayal was far worse than the death of my parent and sibling. Betrayal affects you in a very different way. You will have a hard time trusting other people ever again.
I think the reason is that betrayal is something that you created the opportunity to occur when you trusted another person. And so it’s more than just what they did, it’s how you trusted them in the first place. It makes it really hard to trust your own judgment from that point forward.
@@john-griffin That's a good insight, John.
With a betrayal you have to live with the knowledge that person is still alive and well but giving all their love to someone else and that you are in fact dead to them.
That's the difference and it's devastating.
He's with a cheater. If she did it with him , she'll do it to him.
@@john-griffin Good point about not trusting my own judgement going forward. I feel like I was such a bad judge of character. Makes me doubt my ability to judge character now. Maybe that new skepticism is a good thing.
I went thru a feeling like this at 17. It turned me into a broken dark sad soul for a very long time. I feel you brother
My husband betrayed me a year ago and I am still questioning everything in our 20 years of marriage. Will I ever trust another man again? I don't know, You are right, post traumatic stress is real.I know you are mainly talking to men on this channel, but you seem to be saying everything I need to hear . Thank you for all your help.
Sorry it went bad for you. As you can see here, the majority of men really love their woman. Know that, and pick a good man. There are lots of good loving men
Her attacks and infidelity towards me at the end of our marriage ended with my suicide attempt. Mostly because I was left in limbo, there if she wanted me. I chose to leave after my attempt and filed for divorce 2 months later. Everyone in my social circle have said” I hate to say it, but it sure looks like she is trying to kill you”. The attacks, personal and financial. She has tried to utterly destroy me. 5 years later she is mad still. I’m happy to say I’m in a better place emotionally, financially than I ever was with her.
Be strong friend. It gets better and better.
The only way to truly understand unconditional love is to experience betrayal. DO you still love them after that? Or is there a condition that you are loved back?
Forgive (not easy) but NEVER forget.
I also remember telling my ex wife that it can not be undone later... She wanted me to take her back after the divorce, but I politely declined.
I've been watching your stuff and this is by far the very best! It's the betrayal that hurts the most. I'm recovering but I have days that I feel like something was ripped out of me and that I'm trying to pull myself together just for the sake of my kids. I don't think us men truly get over it, we learn not to repeat those mistakes and just move on.
Like I said in the video, it’s like PTSD. There’s an inability of your mind to reconcile your belief about your marriage and the reality of it. It’s like when a soldier sees his best friend blown up in front of them. He wants to believe that his friend is still there, but the reality is impossible for him to reconcile. It’s very difficult to get over that.
The worst part is knowing she's still out there giving all that love to someone else and not a second thought to you.
@ it helps if you just remember that she’s probably going to cause him just as much pain and in the future. She’s his problem now.
that is just the way I feel too. Like a dog biting you. You are much more careful the next time.. Maybe I will get a cat Lol
@@john-griffinthis
Love it, men wake up with have the power
What a nice dog you are having, true friend. The only real one 🙂
Yes, thanks
Dang, I experienced most of what you described. Four years later and I'm content with my life. I do live in the house we raised our daughter in and even though I'm past it all this house and the pets we had together (two have died over the last two years) but all of it can bring back bad thinking. If I lived in a new place it would be better.
Your videos are unique from all the others I watch, and I have watched quite a few on UA-cam. You are someone have made your own niche in this space. You hit home on so many points and I can see in your face the same things I felt and experienced in my marriage.
Thanks, I watched a lot of those videos in the Manosphere as well and I find that they are all same. They just keep spewing the same hateful crap. Some of it is very funny but it’s very repetitive.
Hey I really appreciate your format here-reflection self examination self determination to stand for your self after loss. The worst part of betrayal I think perhaps is how the close person in our lives would see our demise rather than that we stand..they wish for our demise or at least so it seems…
Exactly!
So now we are onto as far as the betrayer goes ‘ vengeance ’ for not giving them what they wanted or expected…and that leads us to ‘Narcissism’ 🤷
Great advice John. Getting on with your life, on your own terms, is critical. As you'd say, stay healthy, stay single! Thanks for the great content.
Dante said the lowest level of hell was reserved for trailers and those who betrayed their families. After all isn't that what Satan did.
And Satan took 1/3 of the angels with him.
I can tell you've lived this crap. That's why your channel is so good. Thanks.
I appreciate that
You nailed it. My experience, exactly.
Death does not hurt like betrayal : as a 27 year old ,I'm proud that I got off that LTR , I'll stay in the void forever
I was lost in a fog of betrayal for more than a year before I started seeing the truth.
Its really hard to see through it. When you finally see the truth you feel like an idiot and then you get angry.
@ I am no longer angry. Mostly sad. But I know I’ll be ok. One day I’ll look back and be happy again and relieved I survived.
Hello John,
In another video you told all of us that your wife didnt want to be married anymore (7 years into the relationship) ....
You got mad but kept yourself from going violent. I found that video very good like all your others have been. My point is: let it be a warning to all younger men, around 5 to 7 years the relationship is coming to a point where it is not the same and your woman will not feel the love anymore. DONT wait for her to make a decision!!! Be strong and make the decision for the both of you. Keep your dignity. If you wait then she will strip you of your confidence. It is hard but your self respect is more important! You need to live with YOU for the rest of your life!
Very true
A man doesn't need confidence. A man needs a love of life.
I remember feeling very frightened as I felt I was now living with a total stranger. Yes you’re right the intention of it was very painful and the fact that he had been discussing me with her was traumatising . I’m sorry to say I did have PTSD for a few years after the event unfortunately, it really was a truly awful time . Glad to have been able to divorce him🙏
You know, I, like many, blame women, as we are mostly men on these kind of channels, and really resentful as we are bombarded with the "men are toxic/women are more powerful yet victims" narrative. But I think anyone dumped feels the same, man or woman. It's just a fact that women do 80% of the dumping for long term relationships. But these 20% of women dumped suffer the same way. The dumper always moves on quick as they had prepared for it.
Betrayal. It breaks you down, into something you don't even recognize. Until you are forced to see that you must re-build yourself. Priorities, boundaries, etc. And emerge a better person, wiser, on the other side. Once you accept this major shift in your life.
“I am a very forgiving man and practically forgive anything. The only thing that I cannot forgive is betrayal.” Vladimir Putin
You describe the situation well. I agree that the betrayal is worth than death. Because it is death. The death of a critical relationship. But the betrayal makes it murder.
Men suffer this betrayal in silence because society doesn’t understand the struggle and is insensitive to it.
Tough times.
We men need to get through it ourselves and it makes us stronger.
When she left me, I could hardly do anything for 4 months. Just lucky I had savings because I know I couldn't hold down a job
Thanks John, great conversation. It takes years to get over divorce betrayal. I'm sure a person never totally ever gets over it. You just adjust your life to manage existence.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Thanks. You’re right, getting past the loss of your marriage is one thing but getting past the betrayal is a whole Nother level.
It's not just marriage and divorce... other women you date will betray you just as badly and even more quickly.
John, this video is better than paying for therapy! It was very stimulating and made me compare both sides AFTER my divorce. I had my flaws and she had hers. Mine were BOOZE, GAMBLING, SMOKING but I was functional, fighting in the trenches 12+ hours a day in my hardcore operations job. She had and still is an "Alpha Feminist" with a "Narcissist god's complex". So, after watching many of your videos I realized there are so many of us that feel the same way. But because many of us are or try to maintain the Alpha Male image, we are still conditioned to “Protect and Serve” without really thinking about the controlling wife…… food for thoughts… any responses would be appreciated.
@@PricelessSpits I think that we are raised from a very young age to be committed to our families and our wives. And will be entering to a marriage we take it very serious. We assume any problems can be worked out. Women don’t see it that way at all.
*Suffering = Expectations - Reality*
my name is Bander, from Saudi Arabia, regular viewer of your channel. i thank you so much and i couldn’t agree more.
Thanks
John, I still feel the pain of betrayal even after 22 years, and see this, I was only 22 years old that time and she was 18, very young, immature but it sill lingers.
Its hard to let go because you can't give yourself the forgiveness you need. Even though it was her doing, you still blame yourself on some level. It is hard to move past something that lives in your head. You just have to find a way to forgive yourself for getting yourself into the situation to begin with. I think that is the reason so many of us can't move on.
@@john-griffin you´re very cool, thank u John
Once I went through my betrayal of my ex, it extended to my so called friends who ghosted me. I found myself self isolating, focusing on work, fixing and modifying cars, working on number 3 right now. I find happiness in being productive at work and in areas of my life I enjoy. My cortisol levels are way lower now. The stress of walking on egg shells has finally left me after 4 years of divorce. Find yourself gentleman, find what makes you happy and positively productive in life.
Good for you man.. I am working on a 1970 Mustang to forget her. I can always rely on that Cleveland engine
@ that’s awesome! I’ve repaired and modified 2 Volvo c30 with a manual transmission. Love those cars as daily drivers! Enjoy your rebuild John!
I am having to say goodbye to my best friend Omie. He is the most loving being to me. and my best friend. You should talk about the loss of a pet....the animal that loved you no matter what and happy to see you...
I've lost a few pets over the years. I honestly think losing a pet is, in it's own way, harder than losing a person you care about. As humans we understand that "the future's uncertain, the end is always near". But we look at our pets, they live in the here and now, have no concept of what future holds, and likely just can't understand why the pain comes in old age. We humans take that to heart, and want so much for our pet to be young and whole again.
I'm sorry to hear of your buddy Omie. They certainly leave pawprints of love on our hearts.
Wow. I got to tell you John, you just understand it, and verbalized it so well. So soothing for me, and I'm sure, for a lot of us. To feel someone out there gets it, gets what we are going through, it hits in the feels, in a good way. In a GREAT way. Awesome video. Thank you.
The points I have different POVs, is that I know for my ex, as for most women, it's just female nature: if their attraction levels dropped, so did their love. It just went away. Especially if they have latched it to a new man. Oh it hurts, baaaaaad. But my different POV is that I know she really loved me at one point, she meant it then. It wasn't intentional or malicious that it's gone, yet it IS a betrayal. The betrayal of not fighting it out for our couple, not give it a real chance, like most of us men would. No loyalty. Their love is fickle. They live in the NOW. Anything good or bad they feel towards us, we must add 'right now' to it. So fickle.
Second point is that I know I could have done X, Y and Z much better. And it sucks. Oh, it doesn't, at all, make me forgive her in that sense. As again, because her attraction levels dropped, that amazing love, that amazing relationship, all those precious moments, all those bonds between me and her family, she and my kids, all we did that was unique, all that is gone forever. I know what I could have done to raise her attraction levels, but we are not perfect, and the punishment is way worse than the '"crime" here.
Modern era makes women's hypergamy without obstacles, even for "good women". What a hopeless endeavor for young men! At least we experienced, for a time, a different era. I fail to see how 95% of today's relationships can last with hypergamy without boundaries, dating apps, social media, and the "women can do no wrong" culture.
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m glad the video resonated with you. One thing to remember is that she’s not your problem anymore. Hopefully that some consolation.
Great comment sir. You are absolutely correct that their love is fickle, momentary and changeable. That is the single biggest incompatibility between men and women, especially as you say with modern women where their hypergamy is unleashed.
Beware of new relationships. I've suffered more pain with those than I did with my wife. The hypergamy turnover time is so much shorter now. 6-12 months and they're gone leaving you in the same mess over and over again but at a phase when you're still deeply in love with them.
The only way to protect your heart nowadays is to avoid them all.
@@WildB06 Same here, When the mother of my kids broke it off, I was sad for my kids. Since they took it quite well, it was much easier than the two breakups I had after. Especially my last one. She told me a year in I had built a wall around my heart - and it was true. Well she crumbled that wall, big time. My reward: heart crushed like never before.
As it take at least 12-18 months for me to really commit, if I ever do, their hypergamy kicks in AFTER. As THEN they start to lose attraction... Fickle is fickle. I thought I had something SUPER solid last time. I was wrong.
@@john-griffin well, TBH, no, it's not a consolation at all. I loved that woman deeply, and the relationship, to ME anyway, was crazy good while it lasted. Hence the hurt and feeling of betrayal. To me throwing away such a GREAT thing we had is shocking, stupid beyond my comprehension. And to know she is with a new man gives me fits of RAGE. I was never like that for anyone else before.
That's the downside of modern hypergamy in this modern culture: the (very few) good gals, naïve, idealist, with low bodycount, still think instinctively they can find better, find Mister Ideal somewhere. You're never good enough (after a while). Even if the pair bonding was deep, unlike for 90% plus of women that have lost that ability. Thing is, relationships take TIME. She will start from zero and likely miss out how her chance to have her family she wanted. I wasn't good enough anymore.
Hypergamy in a nutshell. It affects them all, promiscuous ones, damaged ones, and even the "good ones". There's no pushback on them to stay anymore. Just like if our own polygamous and violent instincts had no boundaries. It used to be a man's world. Not now in the West, that's for sure!
@@MVProfits yep when it ended with my wife I was actually relieved to be free. Even though she detonated, I was already done by that point and just going along for the kids.
Totally different story with the two afterwards. They detonated in the prime of the relationship and that cuts deep.
After the first new one nearly broke me I swore never again after taking a certain coloured reality pill... but after 5 years of going alone I met the most stunning woman I'd ever seen and before I knew it I was in deep. 12 months later, detonation again.
I'm definitely done now! Can't take anymore.
We can sit and wallow, ruminating over all the people that have shit on us in the past, bu it does really no good. We get our early education starting as a kid navigating all the alliances and friendship shifts that occur and die during that time. Then you go on to get a more advanced level when we hit our teens and go thru social interactions/dating. However, when I hit my 20's I thought everyone grew up, straightened TF up and flies right, learning from the past.
Well, the reality we want is in fact still dreamland thinking. So we toughen up and go cold. We buy a good bike, riding leathers and route out a different direction and plan in life. Time is a thief. Be Well.
My ex betrayed me and my family. After 18 years of marriage she went out and had an affair she destroyed our family. She had no remorse for what she did. 6 months of her being gone and living with her new supplier I have learned how to let her go and move on. Me and the kids are better off without her in our life we don’t need her. All I have to say happy trails ✌🏽.
At least you have your kids. That makes a big difference.
@ it sure does 👍
I just appreciate your videos , brings in a lot of confirmation to help me keep my sanity in this crazy time ! Thank you.
This was an excellent video. Youve hit the nail on the head.
My ex made false accusations against me when I told her I wanted a divorce, and my kids believed her and betrayed me. That betrayal was worse than losing the wife.
Thank you John. You really are helping others. I can attest to that. It’s like you are my virtual big brother. I’m so grateful for your calm demeanor and sometimes funny too. This video is tops among all the fantastic videos you have provided. #priceless
I have more gratitude than you may ever know. Keep hiking and producing more videos, please.
@@customerservice831 thanks I really appreciate your feedback and I’m glad you’re enjoying the video. Thanks for your support.
I stupidly spent $2,000 on a private detective to try to get answers to the question “what the hell is going on?” None of what she was saying made any sense to me or those around us. After the court date, ALL of the truth smacked me up side the head.
When I was eight or nine I made a bet with my mom that I would never get married.
She bet me $100. That was back in about 1966.
She's almost 91 now and I occasionally remind her of our bet...and the compounded interest.
It's a bit of fun I have with her.
N.B. She has been a very good mother to me. I consider myself fortunate.
I had to look it up. $100 back in 1966 would be the equivalent of $965 in 2024 dollars. Glad to hear she has been a very good mother. Mine was as well, and it makes all the difference across your life.
@@James-dt7ky God bless both of you
Men need to have self-esteem made of steel. Not only is divorce a betrayal of most hurtful kind but life as a single man can be just as hurtful. Society doesn't like single men, they're looked at as pariahs, as incomplete, as awkward and are viewed with skepticism, ridicule and even suspicion. It's extremely important that single and newly single men indulge in positive activities that enhance themselves, make them feel good and contribute to their self-esteem!! Society, friends and relatives really can't help you.
Single men are OK today. It is the result of low class women today. Single men are much more understood and respected than they ever have been. It is single women today that are the leeches on society
Once I quit caring about what other people thought of me, it was all much easier. The only two that I was concerned with regarding that was my kids and my employer. Everybody else can kiss off.
Gawddamn John, where were you 7 yrs ago when I needed you. Haha . Gathering intel for us. I still hold my head up high how I tried to forget & forgive for my young family . But in the end , it never goes away. I was told that “ it’s not fair” on my part, yup! It was never fair to begin with.
I think you just learn to live with it after a while. You never really get over it. Thanks
John, you're my dude, thank you brother
What really killed me is I thought my soon (hopefully) ex had my back but turned on me and stabbed me in the back. We went through so much together and I was killing myself renovating an old Victorian mansion farm did all kinds of work and investments all while she was trashing me behind my back tricking me and now I’m holding the bag. Even with my stressful job she always had my back until recently she told me to shut up about it all. I feel like a dog someone had for a while and dropped off at the pound.
I've lived alone amongst the countries most beautiful women all my adulthood. I turned in to a man. You now have the opportunity to do the same now that you're free of women.
Completely accurate, thanks for the philosophical monologue, always helpful. I insist, you should write a book about all of these thoughts, if you need a writing guide, I created one that I can share. Cheers!
Thanks
I agree John. I lost my wife of 39 years and it was brutal, but after 6 years I am OK. Then came along a new love (or so I thought) that cheated on me within a year. I do feel worse. It has been a year since we parted, and I still feel worse than when I lost my wife. I keep saying I have to get a new woman to get over her, but I have a fear of reconnecting to another woman. I just don't have the courage I did
Maybe it's time for you to consider this new chapter of life in a different way: as a "single" man who gets to decide everything in life on his own, without the compromises/complications of another person.
7:08 - After November 5, 2024, half of America may feel exactly what you are describing here.
Right on the money with this one, John. Thanks!
Another great video full of wisdom! Thanks John! I could have used this video a year ago.
Glad you enjoyed it, thanks
How could this happen to me? It was hard to face, but I chose poorly. I ignored or didn't see the red flags, that is the truth. My only recourse to truly move on in my life is to forgive. There is no other way to move forward healthily.
Forgiveness doesn’t require forgetting. You forgive for you, not for her.
@@john-griffin True it is not for her, it is only for me. I will NEVER forget. LOL
Hi have one comment: you're somewhat right , but the loss of a child is much more painful. You can always find another husband or wife but never recover from that. experiencing both I'd choose divorce
John, I think you hit on a key point when you said "we all understand that death is part of life". That's another way of saying, deep down, we know that death will come.
By comparison, when we got married, we took it seriously that this relationship was to last for our lifetime. The marriage is not supposed "to die".
i’m doing my best & i know it’s not very good , but it’s the best i can do …. just thank you for your help , will i ever be normal, i just don’t know. 32 years married and i’m trying to put the pieces back together because I know I don’t have a lot of life left , it’s a race to heal and enjoy my time.. it takes time to heal and except that it will heal in time. thanks john
That’s all you can do. Just heighten your awareness about the experience and focus on life after divorce. Imagine what it will be like when you’re emotionally free of this experience.
I'm getting older too(61) and praying for you brother. I posted somethings on forgiveness in this thread. I'm hoping they will help you.
Heartbreak from long term relationships was rough enough for me. I couldn't imagine divorce much less divorce with children involved.
It looks it´s cold there, John! Nice weather, I love it
Yes it was!
Good morning, ⛅ clouds and rain. Trinity church, arkansas, Lead pastor Matt sculley, was married for 10 years with 2 children. His wife, cokie, a school teacher left the Marriage, years ago. Matt kept the children, recovered from this e event and remarried a few years ago. He refused to resign from the church. Cookie, moved on and got her master's degree and got herself a new man!