Emptiness of Haunting Loneliness and Our Need to Fight Against It
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- Опубліковано 4 лип 2024
- Hello. Thanks for checking out my UA-cam channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
☑️ Heal Your Relationships = #relationships
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Emptiness of Haunting Loneliness and Our Need to Fight Against It
In this video, I talk about the normal human need and/or want for companionship and the ongoing, chronic sense of absence that we experience and feel with loneliness. In talking about loneliness, I welcome the idea that loneliness is not personal. It is universal.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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Emptiness of Haunting Loneliness and Our Need to Fight Against It - Навчання та стиль
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Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on UA-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on UA-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
This man is a genius
Alan is never predictable and that is a very rare quality. He is creative, courageous and a very exciting and inspiring and motivational human being who heals people with his talk. Thank God for Alan.
I agree
I agree. He is the fusion of good heart and good thinking.
No kidding
@@julieannmarie5338 beautiful
"You're not alone, but you're alone" totally cracked me up 🤣🤣🤣
LOL - I'm glad! We need more laughter in this world.
Please consider sharing this with someone, or through social media, so that others can see this video (and maybe also crack up!)
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma will definitely do, the content here is beyond helpful. I'm also strongly considering joining the community.
Thank you - we would absolutely love to have you join us! www.alanrobarge.com/community
Hope to see you there soon :
I remember the feeling of loneliness and emptiness you speak about Alan. I have a photo of myself at 18, i looked into my eyes and can literally see the emptiness. The bond with my mother was corrupted which left a wound so deep. I was addicted to Alcohol, drugs, sex, food.. the list went on. I gave up the booze and drugs 25 years ago, cigarettes and sugar in the last ten years and began to heal the 'mother' wound. It has been incredibly painful and I cried reservoirs of grief. But today I'm beginning to reep the feeling of joy and contentment.
Amazing 👏
I honestly believe there are spiritual beings speaking through this man. And they use his intellect and emotional genius to
Come through and communicate with us.
Satya Knowledge I understand what you are saying, but that’s magical thinking, and is programming your brain to not use logic and reason...
He is too spot on
Certainly his made for it. He masters it
Maybe he's a smart, genuine guy who has attended the school of hard knocks.
Haha, well I think in this video he's kind of warning against making people into guru's or whatever. I do think he has great empathy and is able to communicate this very well. All this self-help "find your ultimate purpose" "be your most awesome self" stuff has it's place, but in the end it's almost always people trying to sell you happiness. Instead of looking for happiness, we should be looking for truth and finding peace in confronting that truth. Loneliness, pain, suffering, they are part of being human, just as much as being happy. Some people may experience them in greater or lesser amounts during their lives but we all experience them. The self help stuff is made to make us feel like we are lacking, we are incomplete, we are not good enough if we are not on a constant (and often rather narciccistic) high. It's not realistic.
And then I suddenly understood the sadness that has been unexpliquably looming inside of me since childhood. Loneliness. Not being seen. Heard. Listened to. It's been coloring all my relationships. Friendships as well. Constantly pulling in people in my life to understand and hear me. But all I had to do was to give the confirmation to myself. Wow.. Thank you
God you're good... stay hooked to the end of the video please. It is so wise. Alan I don't know how you do it, but you do it so well. Thank you so very, very much.
He makes everything he says so gripping in a good way
I've been hooked to him for months!😁 He's amazing!
Listening to this made me feel less lonely ;) I'm struggling with the breakup of my 9 year relationship. It was my first relationship and we met when I was 29 so I was rather late to the game. I think the fact that I was alone for so long before that has created some kind of attachment trauma in me. My parents divorced when I was 17 or 18. My father was always kind of absent, although I can't complain about my childhood which was good. But as an adult I wanted to be in a relationship so bad, because I felt left out, I felt like there was something wrong with me (even though I know I'm not unattractive and I have many things going for me). So when I met my (now) ex, suddenly there was such a weight lifted off me and it was such an exciting time. I finally felt "normal". I felt like I belonged and we would build a future together. And so we did but it didn't last. Now it's over, we grew apart and I'm having a real hard time getting to grips with that reality. I feel like I'll never find someone again as it already took me so long to find this one person.
snakedogman , please take heart. Your words echo my own thoughts. With technology and social media our opportunities to find each other are growing. We are finding each other and through that connection, heal the pain of lack of parental affection early in life. We can invent a new way of being real, with like minded others. You are not alone.
I so relate to this!
Please take care of yourself 💟
Snakedogman, how are you doing now?
Same for me. Lost hope at 42 years old
My experience is that relationships happen when you aren't trying. STOP looking, just be still and grounded within self and relationships come to you.
O.m.g. YES. Hell yeah! Alan, words cannot describe how every word you say is exactly spot on. Words cannot describe the words, hahaha-as you said- you are not alone, but you are alone. I stumbled upon your channel just a few weeks ago, by searching for some comforting wise words after yet another sad breakup. I was amazed and thrilled by the quality and honesty of your content, you effortlessly tell the whole truth in such a great flow. I finally realised that organic sadness I constantly feel is not so much because of the breakups and "narcissistic" boyfriends, but is caused by my old, debilitating, still on-going trauma of being abused and rejected by my mother and abandoned by my father, compounded with this universal "Weltschmerz" that you talk about in this video. Breakups are just triggers. I started to binge watch your videos as I've never seen someone speak so sincere, structured yet down-to-earth. Each video has been beyond eye-opening in an of itself. THANK YOU for your immense help, your understanding, compassion, intelligence, fantastic intuition and indescribable GENEROSITY in revealing a vast universe of ways how to heal and regain our self and sanity. THANK YOU!
Really honest and realistic stuff here. At 17, I was stuck in a loop of lost relationship complicated by (what I didn't yet know was) early trauma and severe attachment lack. In Germany, it felt like drowning in that existenital abyss...so I went for a walk alone. It nearly distracted me, but not enough. A man walking toward me nodded greeting, then looked in my eyes, and his look of serious concern completely changed everything! It shattered my aloneness for just a second. And it gave me the will to subtly smile a bit in gratitude and return his nod. We passed by each other on a walk; yet that singular moment of validation and concern remains one of my strongest memories of hope! Nothing else ever works, but validation.
Wonderful reply! I can totally relate to moments like this, especially when younger.
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Why has nobody told me that feelings of emptiness are normal? Or maybe I didn't get it until now .. Thank you for your message !! Greetings from Germany
Hi Katie, I think because people are ashamed of our aloneness/ loneliness. He is spot on! Kathy from Philadelphia USA
I'm so lonely in-between relationships. I hate being single. I was neglected throughout childhood all the time.
I've passed through so much grief with your help sir. Thanks for putting your stuff out there! This video is just what I needed to hear today
Me too. Ive took strength and healed so much through his guidance. Much respect!
Experiencing personally our universal existential loneliness and accepting it 'as it is", whether a psychological design flaw or not, is absolutely necessary to leave a place for the deep-seated loneliness angst. The tethers we employ to entrap ourselves, others and things is a primary attachment that leads to addiction unless looking our loneliness "in the face", accept it, and move on, knowing bliss is this emptiness according to Buddhist philosophy. When we make friends with EL, we find our bliss, as unreal to the materialistic mindset this may seem.Tai Lopez may not be promoting true happiness via materialism, being most billionaires are addicted to materialism's faltering tower of "power". Manifesting the Robarge principal. It's ok to be lonely!!! Embrace loneliness!!🕊💗🌸
I swear Alan knows me better than my best friend and I’ve never even met him! I’ve never had anyone voice what is going on inside of my head like he does.
Preach! So spot on, the texture of your language is so evocative and astute. I have never heard anyone describe the ramifications and experience of attachment trauma as aptly as you do. So enjoy watching your videos.
He is a master of it. So engaging, so sincere. I like before i watch because i just know he will nail it again
I so much agree...he just goes right to the core.
Habiba Duval love it!!
“Texture” “evocative” “astute”
It’s perfect verbiage! I just found him and this whole new world has opened up to me! I’m so in love with learning about all the things that have me where I am in life! Your comment is a few years old. I’m wondering, if you’re willing to share, where you are now on your development.
Thanks!!
You can tell he's been there and has been through it all.
Alan, thank you so much for talking on this subject. How hurtful indeed is it to have one sided love. Addicted to such a devastating love affair. Being raised by a phsycopath being so damaged then going from one relationship to another to our 60s. How humiliating and loss of what to do. Wanting so badly to heal from attachment trauma. You are a gentle and precious person to help us who are in such need of help. Thank you so much. Keep it coming. Please keep it coming.
Thank you again Alan for your painful honesty about what we do to try and alleviate that screaming void within, for me after a relationship ended (which was by my choice by the way). The need for connection is primal and sitting in the aloneness very painful. But I beleive it's better to feel lonely and be alone than feel lonely in a relationship. I just wish the pain would soon subside as addictions are seducing me
Same
I don’t know, more than 25 years entirely alone isn’t much fun either as it is just eternal loneliness without interruption and I tend to need companionship to be genuinely happy...unfortunately I don’t make close friends either since I lack the ability to trust others any more, so no spending a lot of time with friends either. But then the only people some of us attract in relationships are those who will continue the abuse and so the only escape is to reject the one thing you most desperately desire in life, a relationship with and connection to another. More than anything, I would have very much liked to have been a father and have had a family, but at 48 it is much too late for that nor is there a partner, nor any candidates (what woman in her right mind would ever want to take on a middle aged guy with very little relationship experience, disabled, and in many respects a mess mentally and physically?!), anyhow as that was more than 25 years ago! But at least I get to enjoy the comforts of C-PTSD, anxiety attacks, dissociation, depression, emotional flashbacks, Fibromyalgia, myofascial pain syndrome, severe chronic pain, and many others (all the product of abuse throughout adolescence and early 20s) and the disability that come with such all on my own...LOL! But at least nobody is abusing me any more and there is no chance that I might ever hurt anyone emotionally with respect to all my issues as I’ve lived with severe pain for more than 3/4 of my life now and the last thing I would ever want is to cause any pain or hurt to another! But my God is it lonely and depressing!
You're not alone that you're alone...
How the heck do you know me so well?? You are capturing perfectly how I feel so much of the time. This video made me feel so much better; not so alone. Thank you, thank you Alan.
“You’re not alone~But you’re alone~” The Best.
Dear Alan. How did you grow to be so wise . Thanks for your knowledge to us.
I feel like I am in hell. Thank God I found this video and to know others have felt this way and survived. Thank you.
Hello Alan, I'm 59 and have struggled with shame since my first breath. I was adopted and my birth mother tried to abort me. I knew this from the beginning then was raised and became an anxious attachment. Shame has defined my life with loneliness that's crippled my being. I'm trying to move through it. Thank you.
Hello. Empathy to you. Shame is a challenging feeling state. I'm sorry about what you had to go through. Early loss of parents can impact how we create attachments in adulthood. It may be helpful learning about how we show up in relationships when anxiety is happening. You can learn more by taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Glad you engaging in a life review and reaching out for resources.
This loneliness is so painful in the body. Can you do a video about finding other people who are emotionally trying to be available. What do we do in these times to cope. I need tools and not just breathing and meditating. My brain says I’m going to the bar for a drink but just one !
I so relate Katie, my drug of choice is food...it's always been there for me haha. Yes I need tools and I'm trying to stay with it and not medicate!
@@karenthompson6295 hi karen and hi burnout i am a male, i feel these ways too. maybe we can connect. maybe talk out these feelings i think we would feel better if we talk it out to get to the roots and to find solutions. much love, from a fellow lonely traveler.
I'd like to know as well
Allan you are amazing talented beyond thank you
"You're not alone but you're alone" kicked me hard 😂
Tyssssso much.. ill bask in loneliness - didn't realize it's ok. I won't die from it!
Deep loneliness, if one can endure it for long enough, especially the unbearable pain of it at times,, is one of the ways of deep healing on many levels, also of love addiction and codependecy. We become connected to ourselves, learn how to self care, self sooth and be ... Be conected without grasping and fulfilled just on being alive. This is my experiance. I wouldn't choose myself if I had a choice but it was the only way for me to heal. Befriending it made me free. 💚✌️
Well said. Loneliness can be hard. Befriending is a good word here. Thanks for reflecting.
If you like this content and would like to be part of the conversations around it then you may like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to be a part: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Holy crap ! You are one of the best 'suggested' channels I've ever received . Where did you come from ???
Thank you for this forensic analysis of loneliness. Its brilliant! What a relief to hear someone advocating acceptance rather than buying into all the so called positive psychology bullshit out there in an attempt to escape it!
An analysis of it is great. However, I don't get any message of hope or how to successfully deal with it. Is the message just to learn to live with it forever?
Alan it just blows my mind how for me, you just hit the nail right on the head Every single time! Finally I no longer need to run from loneliness! I'm so grateful that the Universe led me to you and your work! Finally I have hope for a better way to live! Loneliness has been my struggle for 60 years and after studying every metaphysical teaching known to man, now thanks to you I am able to know what has been at the core of my being for so long and be ok with it. I no longer think I'm flawed and defective. Thank you a bajillion thanks ❤️❤️❤️
I wish I could listen to Alan speak to an audience. It’s very soothing. Comforting to be among others to hear these words. To feel the aloneness among others and not feel so alone.
Such truth Alan, your a genious at explaining exactly as it is. Im in my loneliness now and i see all of what your saying. Im watching all of what comes up, doing my best smiling through it. Its a blessing to be in healthy partnership, thou in reality that may not come. So my intention is to find that blessing in my own company, and so how ever awful it is i welcome my loneliness. You so right we must not self reject. It is what it is. Its actually healthy to feel lonely if thats what it is. Im sanely sitting. The ex's are a ex for a reason, i watch not to loop. Im actually laughing right now at how this loneliness plays up. Love how you laughed too! Im working with it, i've checked into my loneliness.
Love you Alan x
That's amazing. Thank you so much.
Thank you for your honesty!
Really useful video. Thank you Alan Robarge.
Thank you for this video, I understand now.
I needed to hear this right now. Thank you
Awesome honesty ....love it.
You are a blessing, Alan. Thank you.
This is so good. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
BRILLIANT, Thank you once again
Your work is a powerful force for so many of us. Amazing delivery. Thank you!
Hands down one of my favorite vids from Alan! So honest, it's humbling.
Thank you Alan. Struggling with pure loneliness here and this was exactly what I needed to hear. What an unbearable feeling tho. You are an angel🙂
Straight to the point wise. Like that.!!!
God bless you!!! you speaking to me!!!
You are the most authentic I have seen, not selling any snake oil, no smoke and mirrors and plug x product here..... Thank you!
this is hands down my favorite video of yours! I was laughing out loud at the end. Thanks Alan!
Fantastic video topic and you're fantastic also Alan.
One of your best videos ❤️❤️
You have a gift with words. I resonate with what you said in this video.
What a great video!! Thank you so much for sharing this message. I'm going to re-watch it every now and then as a reminder because your words have made the experience I'm going through now more bearable.
As usual... he speaks right to my heart. His work is amazing!!!
This video is amazing. Alan, you are incredible. Thank you so much for all you do, and sharing it. Your work has been so, so helpful.
Feelings are just feelings. Thanks Alan!
Goodness me so perfectly said thankyou kindly Alan this resonated with me so much.
Thank you, Alan. This is a beautiful message of truth delivered with compassion.
Thank you, love this, so helpful.
Brilliant work.
OMG, I love you for this. I never thought of looking at it from this perspective. What a cleansing breath of an idea!
Great Video!! Good to know that I'm not alone when I'm lonely.
A truly liberating profound truth.
Thank You Alan, your videos really help me. Especially with everything being intensified in the world these days.
Thank you Very much . Your so HELPUL , HONESTLY 🥰
This is so empowering! Thank you❤
Nice to hear that. You're welcome.
Guess I never looked at it like an addiction! I'm going thru this now! So painful.. it's ok.. thank u so much!
You are the realist on earth 💯
Thank you, so so helpful.
Thanks Alan, great videos super helpful
Love this sooo much I was wondering about this but just bought into the idea that I had no other choice but to keep moving being more and more productive. Becoming a human doing as much as I could. But I’m glad you’re telling me I can just live with the loneliness and love it.
It's good to just be a human being and not always a human doing
Absolutely brilliant & beautiful narrative. Thank You!
Thank you 🙏for helping me step back and feel this. To except it as a part of life and that’s ok.
I needed to hear this so much. Wow, this was absolutely poetic! You are truly brilliant & I am so thankful I found your channel 🤗💗
Alan, I’ve never heard anyone speak on existential issues as you do. I really needed this. Thank you so much and please come back to us and make more videos!
Perfect video for me as I press on in the aftermath of Irma. Thank you Alan.
"Turn the video off..."? No, I keep hitting replay .
felt this way as a child much of the time and now again but will get thru it ty
I hear you.
Great video as usual :) thanks for helping
Really helpful, thank you so much Alan, as always!!
Bev, I am so glad you found this helpful. These are sometimes hard dynamics to navigate. Thank you for responding. Please know that there is support for learning how to heal and grow through the community I started. www.alanrobarge.com/community
This is the best talk on loneliness I’ve ever heard. Thank you!
Great video! Thank you!
Thanks for the kind words. You're welcome.
You are brilliant and articulate beyond your years. Very few experts communicate as indepth as you. Thank you for your passion and desire to heal our pain.
that is exactly how ii feel...aching longing, emptiness, deprivation, sadness
Lisa, Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alan, you give Jordan Peterson more than a run for his money. This video speaks to a lot of people, myself included, and it validates our experience, provides explanation, and gives guidance. Keep on keepin' on.
I find a good mix of Robarge, Peterson and Eckhart Tolle gives plenty of pointers to face life's troubles.
I like this so hard!! Yes! Thank you.
My God this is some truth! ,20 years of therapy and finally some unanswered questions answered. Thank you so much Alan.
Massively wise words and insights. Can't express how profoundly this has helped me. Thank you for normalizing and contextualizing the struggle! You're a rock star, Alan.
thanks for tough talk
Thank you Alan for this video!! It's so validating and intelligent🙏😊
Glad you are finding benefit. I appreciate the kind words. You're welcome.
Wow you are most honest true helpful so precise on our suffering you always amaze me with every video.
thanks you 💞
It's amazing how well you describe the state. It feels like you were in my head for the past 28 years! 😅 I'm really really amazed by your videos and I appreciate you for taking the time to make them. 🙌
Your words are pure genius, they bring me to tears. Thank you...
Alice, Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this resonates with you. The solution to healing attachment injuries is to do our healing work. There is not a simple, quick-fix answer. Emotional, Relational, Developmental Healing Work is dynamic and has many chapters depending on our individual needs.
The areas of focus I suggest are exploring Attachment Trauma, Emotional Attunement, Family Patterns, Boundaries and Sense of Self, Shame and Self-Worth, Longing and Loneliness, Reality Distortion, Grieving and Grieving Skills.
These are the areas that inform the design of the membership community I created, Improve Your Relationships.
You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating.
Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This is excellent. A really fun but serious take on essential wisdom for overcoming the pain of the human condition.
Amazing work, thank you so much
Thanks for the encouraging comment. You're welcome.
I really hope you will live forever on this planet and talking these wisdoms. Hugs🌹❤️
Everything about the way you articulate is so profound. I don’t know how you do it but you literally get into the nitty gritty of my entire life’s riddle. I have forever been trying to figure what was wrong. I thank the Universe for you. Thank you thank you
What you shared really helped me tonight. Thank you Alan.