Grieving Fantasy Bonds and Fantasy Relationships
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- Опубліковано 6 вер 2024
- Hello. Thanks for checking out my UA-cam channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Grieving Fantasy Bonds and Fantasy Relationships
In this video, I talk about fantasy bonds and fantasy relationships. The origin for both comes from our mind’s ability to internalize relationships, which means we are in a relationship with the idea of the relationship.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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Grieving Fantasy Bonds and Fantasy Relationships
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on UA-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on UA-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
I’m so great full for your videos 🎊👏👏😍
Boy, does this ever resonate! So much energy I have put into grieving a relationship that never truly existed. Holy smokes. Deep. Thank you.
Mike Lambert you’re not alone, this is an eye opening experience, I welcome the truth though.
Same here Mike.. the singer Jane Oliver says in one of her songs..."it's sad to know the love you lost , you never had". After grieving deeply for 12 years.. I also learned the truth.
Same. Three times over the years. Took me till now to realise what's going on.
Mike Lambert point blank truth, I don’t want to think about. My 20 years romancing a “James Bond” top secret lover once a month. Destroyed me spiritually.
@@GavinMorris1 same here... 2 months of dating to keep longing after him for the last 6 months.. So glad I have found this channel...
We're replaying our inner wounded child...over and over again. Anxious attachment. Healing and self love. Heartbreaking.
Thank you Alan. My entire life has been a fantasy ... and so the grieving begins now.
I wonder how you are doing a year later
Sloan Wolf same here 😂
ouch
Ginger D. Thanks for asking. I am out of fantasy mode but still grieving.
This is so hard. I can relate ...
Wow...this has been my whole life of relationships. As far as romantic relationships go, I've had a tendency to fall in love with "potential"...and when they didn't live up to that potential, I was incredibly disappointed in who they "really" were. I suppose because I never felt like I "measured up" myself with my family. This has been incredibly eye opening!
Oh my goodness.. Story of my life
You said perfectly what I, too, am realizing... this is, as Alan says, "sophisticated work" we are doing to allow ourselves to be honest about what happened & our part in it while being KIND to ourselves & letting the right grief do the real work to break the cycle. I'm just so 🤯😭🤯 over these things I'm learning w Alan's videos, but your comment was very comforting to me - we aren't crazy or alone in this. Thank you for sharing! 🙏🏻 and "Go us!!" for being mature and strong enough to do this sophisticated work so we can be better - and attract better - moving forward. 💪🏻🤗
I can relate to that - finally understand how my family functions and how I learnt it too. Your comment was 3 years ago now, I hope you grew and transformed your reality x I'm just beginning this journey.
He is an amazing therapist, with a true gift and clarity
Nicole J yes he is. I wish I found his channel before the heartbreaks I endured in my youth.
His born to do it
21:47 "The memory of the person we are with." 21:53 "We are in a _relationship with the idea of the other person_." "Over-developed sense of being more in relationship with our internalized idea of who the other person is..." "You are relying on what you have done in the past." 23:41 "We are in relationship with the memory and the idea, this internalized idea of who the person is to us and who we want to be to that person. We are not actually in the relationship."
Such life saving understanding.
If youre worried this is happening to you, a great way to confirm is to think about how you feel about someone when youre apart, opposed to when in person. If being apart, and just texting or thinking about them seems better than when being in person with them, or it never lives up to your expectations, then you certainly are dealing with this.
Good insight.
"The feeling of emptyness is the proof of the fact that I have been in fantasy relationship with family members . . . realizing we are not really relating here. We are agreeing to uphold a shared idea of our fantasy relationship, but in truth we are not engaging in emotional connection." WOW this is so helpful thank you
the simul holy shit this is blowing my mind
"There are some families who never play tennis / garden together" - an unspoken agreement (which my family CLEARLY signed). This explained SO WELL why I felt so disconnected as a child. I remember having "deep conversations" before the age of 7 with my beloved dog and also was very attached to a "family" (Dad, Mom and baby) of teddy bears. Profound Wake Up / Reminder to Connect w What's REAL.
I think many of us may have done this although with different characters ;) Immensely insightful video!
Well done. "Unraveling" "Dissonance" "Emptiness" "Awakening" "Groundlessness" "Profound Grieving"... You are a tether in a storm. Thank you.
Sorry, off topic but ...IT'S NUROPSYCH!!!!! Your work is great :)
Katie's Mum
I just read your comments after I left mine. Yes an "awakening" definitely describes this. We are not alone.
This hits home. I’ve grown up with a narcissistic mother and enabling father, experiencing and watching abuse amongst them and from them to us kids... never could speak out about their behavior, fantasy relationship of happy and supportive family up until this year... having a break through stage. Now at 35 yrs of life, I Finally expressed all my true feelings to my narcissistic mother and my codependent father this year - chose to cut them out, now awakening to boundaries, limits, and self-love... I realize that I am insecure attachment style and codependent.
I’m married for 7 years to a narcissistic man with anger issues... of course I didn’t know this when I met him, I was naive and not “awake” yet, created a fantasy relationship about us.. he was the perfect guy with the perfect family that I would have my happily ever after with. Now I am pregnant and it has been a true wakening time of my life.... I’m figuring this out day by day.
Thank you for spreading awareness and teaching us how to heal and deal, and most importantly, improve our circumstances. Knowledge is power.
Best of luck to all on this journey...
How are you?
40:06 - 41:13 -> What a real relationship should look like, I really like when he describes this:
There needs to be balance
(fantasy relationship vs reality)
And there initially needs to be a very invested conscious giving into, nourishing the relationship through immediate emotional responsiveness and immediate sharing of vulnerability and openness and spending time with someone. Really wanting to know 'who are you', how do you tick, what's going on in your world, no really tell me what is going on in your world and let's talk about it, let's engage, let's share our dreams and aspirations. Let's just talk about how we're feeling. And if we do not do this, then we're not really taking care of the garden, we're not really engaging in the emotional tennis of the back and forth that is necessary to strengthen our feelings of warmth, love, caring, trust and safety.
I realized all my relationships were waste and fantasy bonds after knowing that I always displayed the main symptom. I hated being truly intimate and affectionate outside of sex and occassional kissing and hugging. Letting someone get to know me is like pulling teeth. I told a bf i don't feel good even after an intimate conversation. I dont feel relieved you know my deepest secrets. I'd prefer jail lol
I just had a conversation with my avoidant boyfriend tonight about him being conscious to me when we are in a bonding experience. He goes avoidant and into his own little world, when I am there, in front of him, talking/touching and he avoids me. It hurts. I told him I can not be happy with his ignorance to me being there and him not being a giving partner. I think this is why he is divorced twice. He never was connected and I told him that if it is not me in his life, he will run into these issues with anyone. We started therapy together a couple of weeks ago and there are attempts by both of us. We both have inner work, but more him that he is just coming to realize his attachment issues.
Thank you
Another inconvenient truth! Those raised in dysfunctional homes that didn’t face what’s true - tend to live in a fantasized reality. This is why the breakup can be a breakthrough if I will only let it.
“Reality is the best fantasy!”
But living that way requires a break from magical thinking.
I hear you. Thanks for your reflections. Many people can relate with this. It can be challenging I'm sure.
If you like this video and want to understand more about this behavior then you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Fantasy is far better than reality
None of my relationships outside of friendships have ever been real. I never hear from any of my family, including children and grandchildren. All my romantic relationships have been a fantasy in my head. I've always felt isolated. Thank God for good friends!
what if it’s both ¿
It's powerful to break a spell. The waking up to a blank canvas is challenging. The absence is palpabe blight. The scriptwriter is difficult to discern. And then you hold the pen...and live
Victoria Lewis What a beautiful description. I am afraid to live.
This is poetry 💕
I LOVE this!! Spot on!!
well said. poetry
Beautiful ❤️
I grew up in a garden of weeds! No one took care of the garden. I learned to survive that's it
Does anyone else have a fantasy person who just loves them and then replays them being loving everyday even though they’ve never been loved in real life? There is no memory with me.
It's been a while for your question but yes my whole family if I didn't invent them loving me or caring for me then I wouldn't have survived everyday it was a mental theater they love me, they care for me I know as an adult they don't but when I think of my childhood that other version of them comes through rather then what and how they were.
I went no contact with my family of origin 12 years ago and went through a long grieving process it ended when I realized there was no emotional bond there or any love lost. It was a childhood fantasy.
After years of trying to build a relationship with my narcissistic sister, I let go and realized it's just not going to ever work and I'm at peace
Can you do a video on the difference between intimacy and enmeshment?
My father just died a week ago and this video explains our family perfectly. I'm really sad that he never even tried to connect with me or relate to me in the ways I've been craving my whole life...
But it's one of those things that gets passed down from one generation to the next. Both sides of my family only ever created these fantasy bonds. I'm in the process of ending that cycle. If someone doesn't put in the effort to relate to me in the here and now I will not stick around and pantomime a connection or pretend that I'm loved.
It's definitely strange to look back on my life with so much clarity.
Such an honest thoughtful comment / I too will be taking the same approach to two siblings who never cared or felt for me , I was only ever exploited and used, I would rather be by myself.
And I thought I felt alone before I watched this video! Searching for help with reconciling what was essentially a fantasy romantic relationship, I stumbled across this video. And now I have discovered that virtually every relationship in my life with my family and friends is a fantasy, and is actually stagnant and dead. I don't even know how to express how much this video hurt my heart.
Lissa K Dear Ms Lissa, realizing will help you heal your sweet hurting heart. You will become able to BE loved AS MUCH as you yourself can REALLY Love! Hugs! Lisa
Yes, I’m going through the same thing. I’m attempting to love myself while working through my grief ❤️
In one way I want to reach out to you, give you a hug, and say I am SO sorry for your broken heart. In another way I want to reach out to you, and hug you, and tell you you've got this...finally. Now you can heal and grow and participate in loving healthy relationships....once you get through the grief. You will come out SO much stronger and healthier you will know true happiness, closeness and love. You will find and attract the people that are also healthy and able to dance with you, tend the garden and play tennis with you. Many blessings on your journey.
One of the most compassionate voices out there for those of us grieving the fantasies of childhood.
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for valuing my material. We explore grieving the fantasies in more depth in the Improve Your Relationships community. I may have shared that information with you at some point. In case you haven't had a chance and you're interested in connecting with like-minded learners then consider joining the conversations: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This guy is the perfect therapist for Pisces people😭
OMG! I took my boyfriend of two years tonight after listing to your videos. (I've been waking up for about 6 months lol) he's so special to me and I almost lost him. I truly connected to him today and really opened up like I never did before. He held my hand like a warrior through my journey and never let go. I'm truly feeling peace for the first time ever. I had so much childhood trauma, but knowing I'm okay now
Going through this now... I just realised that my family was viper's nest of narcissists... I'm still in shock it took me decades to figure this out. I am feeling empty & my worldview has been shattered...
Brilliant work Sir! Thank you for the video!
KhemistrySet We have the same family. Messes your head up, but we are
fortunate enough to finally learn and realize we can now experience life as it should be, our own life away from these reptiles. Yes, their is profound pain as a sense of loss of a family that never existed. We have to grieve the loss of that family we thought we had, realizing we missed out on love, life, and many lost years. it is very sad thinking of what "coulda, shoulda, woulda". Once we educate ourselves and process these feeling (with or without the help of professionals on this subject) we can move on, start to slowly live our life, heal, form new relationships ,and figure out who we were supposed to be. Guilt and depression are a normal by product of this death of a fantasy family, but the flip side is, we can live, and live very happily with a sense of relief that we DON'T have to relate to them any longer just because we share their DNA. It can be a new found freedom.
OMG I can resonate. I am in the same shock right now. Same situation, took me decades to realize that my WHOLE family, people who I thought loved and cared about me are dangerous people - hard core narcissists. It's shocking, it's painful, it's scary to face the reality that I am actually alone in this world. Now their behavior finally makes sense to me. So shocking and sad.
Ive been going through the same thing... feels like my whole life was a lie, the deception and sickness i cannot wrap my mind around.. grieving has commenced and i know it serves some purpose. Thanks for commenting, its a bit of comfort knowing im not alone. 💗
So sorry. I have toxic family members. I rarely talk to them.
This started to happen to me a long time ago. I've never dated so the only thing i do when i have a crush on a guy is creating a fantasy world around us never speaking to him just starring from afar , going to bed thinking that he also loves me . The worst thing is that i have now started doing this consciously . Creating a different persona of him in my mind qnd dreaming about him . I now understand how alone and fearful i'm feeling every time i do that
Thank you for this video, my thoughts are that sometimes people who have endured childhood attachment trauma might find it safer to invest in an imaginary relationship than a real one, where they know that they can’t be hurt in their own imaginary world that they have created, a type of defence mechanism, what do you think?
Understood, but still at the end of the day when a person leaves, you still feel like why does everyone leave? Still feel lonely and emptiness. So either way it still dont solve the problem. Not sure it will ever heal honestly.
@@TheKiatti man
The fantasy stops you from feeling the longing and emptiness. It distracts you.
That is ME. I learned at an early age that if I let myself love someone, they would leave me. It happened with both my father and stepfather. A fantasy relationship is the only one I feel safe with. I can pretend that I’m loved and actually feel it, but I know it isn’t real and always leads to a let down, until I find a new fantasy.
Yes, I think so in my case. When you lose the "loose" relationship you grieve but it does not go as deep as when you actually have shared, connected and created a mutual bond. When you really do not connect, you really do not have to lose. It is sad but at least it is nothing new and uncontrollable.
42:50 "Living in a sustained fantasy bond is the origin of an attachment injury." - - "Internalized idea of the memory who you want the person to be, who you imagine them to be and who you are projecting onto them to be."
my fantasy started in childhood with my mother , missed my eduction as I was in a dream state 24,7 iam now awakening ....its like l was in a froozen state...I now feel I was experiencing my mums trauma ...it was a trauma bond when on into codepentant relationships
Same here Shirley. I freak out even thinking about going back and finishing school because like you said, I was on auto pilot mode. And all if my relationships, romantic and platonic have all the hallmarks of my family of origin dysfunction. All fantasy bonds.
In the past few days I just realized that my relationship with my mom has been a single sided effort, and a fantasy for the most part. Just like you, I'm healing attachment trauma. I've been reading the book "the emotionally absent mother" by Jasmin Lee Cori. Highly recommended. Wish you all the best on your recovery.
In the eye of the storm now.. can relate to your comment about "experiencing mums trauma." I've had a felt-sense of and experienced the psychic confusion of strong acute traits of each my mother and father complexes. I sometimes can track what feels like it's coming from external cues to excite feelings I've only read about NPD, BPD,) I've been processing and eliminating the story associated with the feelings. I am getting psycho-emotionally free, coming into my own life at 60. Stopped supplying my family system at 58. Not easy to face the truth that much of the human love I know is just a fantasy and trauma bond. I have a loving partner now. Learning so much.
I too, spent my childhood in fantasy. As soon as I was in class, I would go into my dream state( I like that term). I will be 65 this year and have missed my whole life. I am mourning the loss of my life while I’m still alive!
Thank u alan, your videos are really helpful. Im a recovering codependant and these videos have helped me to heal myself. I use them in my day to day life to let go of my obsession, addictions, illusions and the traumas of my childhood. Thank you.
I am finding this very provocative and relevant to my life. I could continue to struggle to find footing. All I have it and behaviors are no longer serving me . I creep along the path to change, plugging along a huge suitcase of stuff that no longer serves me. Now, I find myself at least able to look in the suitcase at the first layer. Thank you for your insights.
At that place too how are you doing with it?
It's really tough so keep going
I've found that even when sometimes you think you've done some work it can lead to denial I've realized this
I had a similar situation with someone in the past, I was imagining so many things in my head what we are but in the end we never really been good friends, realizing this hit me hard and I needed to let my self, to feel grief and validate my emotions and then move on. Thanks for the video
Such wonderful insight. Humanity needs to see within. Darkness and ignorance enslaves us. Alan you help to turn on the light. thankyou
I appreciate the kind words. Glad this is helpful for you. Thank you for valuing my work.
Also, this topic comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're invited to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Hi Alan, when I stumbled upon your first video, I was absolutely stunned by your incredible ability to describe subtle relationship flaws, that can lead to disasters, as described as "attachment injuries" god knows how much I suffered and still do, its like the clouds go away and I know now what had happened to me, all the crazymaking stuff ... and why it doesn't stop. Your ever so sophisticated understanding gives me the tools to start and take responsibility and treat my wounds. Your understanding why I get so mad at times and hurt so terribly, already soothes the pain. Thank you from my heart
Well said 🙏 I agree.
I am on the verge of tears right now, it’s a hard pill to swallow, acknowledging some of the relationships in my life aren’t as “real” as I’ve thought. I always felt empty despite spending time with my mother. Now I realize it’s because our relationship is one-sided, she wants to be known and I feed into that, it’s exhausting. But she doesn’t want to know me, its always been that way.
I can easily see that my relationship with my ex husband was a fantasy in my head that I thought was really true. One day it felt like the foundation was pulled out from underneath me, and I felt totally empty. I recognize, looking back, that's when I realized that the entire relationship had been in my head.
Grief is one of the topics we cover in the 8 week online community program I created. There is a full video library in the community for members to access 24/7 and a whole section of videos on the topic of grief. We explore the "how" in the community. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. Please consider joining us in the conversation over at Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
How long does it take you in your marriage..to get it?
This is me. This is my family. 48 years old and I'm just realizing this. This was a really good talk, sir. Thank you for sharing this. I've learned a great deal today.
I just woke up to this at age 56. I am now 67 and I cant "not see' the truth now. I don't even know what is real or what has ever been real?!
I can't thank you enough for this. I went through this but I didn't know what it was. I just realized I am doing it again with another person in my life. It's so painful to realize this but I'm so happy I'm not alone and your clear description of it has helped me not feel so confounded about my life. Thank you thank you thank you.
I am in the middle of this unraveling.
It is raw.
And profoundly grievous.
How amazing to find someone who spells it out.
This is very supportive.
In many ways, I have known this for a long time but was fearful to truly be
honest with myself. If was afraid of been swallowed up and fully destroyed
by the dark truth.
It is true, however, fantasy has no foundation and is only built up to be destroyed...
and is so fragile all along the way.
Also, I have learned strangely that relationship is all, yes ALL up to me.
This summer, I began to let go of tending lop-sided relationships and substituted
swimming in the river...it was a relationship I felt I could trust....and I was afraid
of what might unfold ...but actually it was quite peaceful.
Transitioning over is work that requires much strength and faith.
I am grateful for the support.
Sarah....what a profoundly beautiful comment. I too am grieving the loss of connection. We were both escapists finding ourselves in each other's arms and deep conversation. But we could not get it done on a mundane real world way...if that makes sense. I too love being in the water and the rivers.....nature cleanses me profoundly. I wish you love and light in your journey. Thank you. 💖
Ps....raw is the perfect word.
Dark night of the soul.
The disconnect truly sent me spiraling into the abyss. I am in calmer waters now....but still a bit shaken as our connection has been over 30 years since meeting in college. I love and admire your 100 percent of personal accountability. It takes guts blood and courage to engage this battle for peace and resolution. I hope others are supported by our stories. Again.....thank you...peace and love to all.❤❤❤❤❤❤
This can happen even when physically close.
The tennis example is so excellent! It’s Soul Tennis. The moment you decide to look away or loosen up your concentration, you will end up loosing the ball. Thank our gods the balls are neverending....
This has shed so much light on my existence and relationships. I have used my optimism to hold relationship's and even at times overwrite major character flaws and mistreatment. It's helped me analyze how both sides of a relationship need to apply real actions/ garden and cultivate something fruitful. It's helped me understand where I stop and another person starts even deeper.. and has even shed light on enmeshment from a different angle. Good video.
Alan Robarge, your videos are proving very helpful to me. Thank you. I never knew that the garden needing tending, at least not in a sharing way. I learned very young that I was responsible to make my own garden grow. Just me. I wasn't supposed to have feelings unless they were positive and I wasn't supposed to need anything. But I do need and shouldn't be ashamed of it. All I need now is to figure out what normal is supposed to look like and I will find the courage to change. I'm figuring it out. Meanwhile I always thought myself to be an intelligent person. I feel very small and ignorant right now. I suppose grief is in there with my shame. I say this for anyone else who can relate.
Nice to hear this content is of benefit for you. These are great insights. It is so good that we are talking about feeling our feelings. So important. Thanks for commenting.
Also I want to share, if you aren't already aware, but based on your comment I thought you might be interested in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community This is the type of content we explore in the community. You're welcome to join us as a member.
Thank you for this video. I have attended a lifetime of spiritual group and therapy. I finally discovered this pattern. It is very traumatic. I believe that grieving and awareness are part of the grieving process. I believe that my codependent and empathetic nature to other people's suffering also made me inclined to attract narcissists and unavailable men. I thank you so much. If you were in New York and took my coverage I would really like to meet with you. You are a light to the world for giving your time freely. Bless you. I am no longer in denial as I once was. I actually experienced a spiritual awakening by acquiring knowledge and insight.
Amen!!!
You just put a name to something I have been dealing with for 3 years thank you for these podcasts!
Wow, Alan articulated feelings and reactions unclear for years. Naming/describing them opens numerous doors of perception.
Less confused suffering about dis-connected and grief filled relationships.
Thank you for this. I have lived it but never had it articulated so well.
🙏
This video broke me a bit because it's so true. I've lived with these fantasy bonds for 38 years. It's time to stop this nonsense.
wow, thank you for letting me know how impactful this video was for you. I'm glad to hear this helped you find some deep insight around fantasy bonds. I see clarity in your comment.
i think it also has to do with not knowing real bonds well
Alan, you are such a gift to those of is trying to up our emotional intelligence.
Thank you for the kind feedback. It is important to work on our emotional intelligence. If we don't know what we are feeling then it will be challenging to relate to others. This is something we explore in depth in the Improve Your Relationships community. If you haven't had a chance to check it out click on the link: www.alanrobarge.com/community
It has been extremely sad and heartbreaking to realize that my family doesn't really relate in any emotional way- and that this is how it will always be. The inner me still craves for a real and deep relationship.
I can empathize and relate with what you shared. It is a painful realization. Thank you for responding to this video. Glad it sparked this reflection.
It's really important to be talking about this. Family relationships is an ongoing topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. Learn more here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I think that there is SO much content in the mainstream that ADD to the distortions through and through and do NOT apply to people with these issues. For many reasons. I realized traditional mainstream advice and guidance does not make sense or resonate for creating intimate relationships , platonic , work or romantic.
It would have been nice if professionals would have shared these insights decades ago , in my life.
SO thankyou for breaking it down and sharing this. I know now but I suffered my entire life because not one soul I went to for help in my own life ever explained things like this. People who are neglected or have traumas or both, have no point of reference for this . They do not know and so crazy making continues , so to speak.
Thank you for letting me know this content has been so clarifying and dispelling for you. It's so important that we are talking about this. Good you are researching and challenging sources of advice. We can never have enough conversations about grieving fantasy bonds.
Wowww. Who is he! Deep!! Deep! I wish you would give more step by step ways to remedy
Thk you
That is the kind of family I come from no engagement, no caring, then I was the scapegoat.
This is pure gold
Seems like I was born into an illusion and it took me very close to 40 yrs to realize that. It does seem very surreal. And there is no interest whatsoever for them to even wanna hear let alone try to understand that this is like being dead yet breathing. Praise God for all the clarity that is coming in. It's not easy, can be very disturbing but it's so much better than illusions and lies. Thanks again for every single video of yours!!
"living behind a wall of glass" - I've always described it like this.... like I thought i was the only one feeling this way...
Glad this resonates. Thanks for valuing my efforts.
I don’t know you Alan, but I am so grateful I stumbled upon your videos... I have been in fantasy relationships... and it was you videos coupled with my faith in God that led me to the truth of my feelings! This is such a good good gem in the world of healing. May God continue to bless you! You’re doing a good work!
Alan, you are amazing in how you explain relationship dynamics. I relate to so much of this particular video. Your delivery is direct but empathetic and offers clarity. I am waking up to my year-long fantasy relationship bc of your guidance!
My dad lives in the biggest fantasy world ever... Even when confronted he goes back into it after a few days and everything is okay for him again. I could not stand it, and 8 years after having distanced myself from him, I am still so angry... It sucks. And now I have realized that I have done the same in my relationships, I give and give and think that everything is okay, that I can make his person want to change, but the person I am with is as emotionally distant as my dad... Thank you for this video, it explains my past and present so well.
Thank you Alan, for explaining exactly what I haven’t been able to articulate in my mind. It’s like you’ve sifted around in my brain to make sense of my feelings of isolation and grief in my family and subsequent partnered relationships and the damage that has been done ... 🙏🏻
So on point. This goes back so far for me! I finally know the origin of suffering. My family and I have been very confused about why this disconnect and failing relationship dynamic has not been working for so long. We all knew we loved each other and this were good, but for me things were NOT good. It caused so many groundless arguments. Alan, thank you so much for making these videos. I can't believe it's taken this long to understand what has been my suffering in my life but better now than never. Now that I understand this I do not have to attack them and try and force their own resolution with their attachment trauma. I can simply work on myself and be around them while understanding that unless they WANT to understand this stuff, we simply will not see eye to eye. Hopefully they will want to one day but they are not even close to being interested in self discover. Thank you, thank you thank you. Jeff
One of my most comforting thoughts is to pretend I acted differently towards her and we wind up together, all sheer fantasy, but I love conjuring that scenario up, it brings a few minutes of peace and I usually sleep afterwards, then I wake up and 2 seconds later I see her face and my chest goes in my stomach, repeating every day ! Waiting for this feeling to end
When you lose the "loose" relationship you grieve, but it does not go as deep as when you actually have shared, connected and created a mutual bond. When you really do not connect, you really do not have to lose. It is sad but at least it is nothing new, real and uncontrollable.
Mr. Robarge, what about starting a dating service? So many nice people posting here who were abused but now they've been 'Woke' to the crap, maybe they're ready to start consciously building healthy relationships, and we're safer with each other here. Very healthy to be OK alone, for sure, SOOOO nice to have a healthy relationship and share that joy and be shared with. Dating and relationships would be off to a great start with a foundation of your info.
Fascinating, thank you. My family of birth, and also my ex-inlaws makes sense now.
I learned to self soothe in childhood. I came home from school one day when I was 8 years old. My mother had given away all my dolls and books to the housekeeper for her daughter. I guess I was invisible.
OMG. My mother did the same kind of thing and never understood why this bothered me, until much later in her life.
I am shattered.
I had very mentally ill parents.
I had two genuine relationships in my life (I’m almost 64), and I’ve lost both of them. My son to his wife and family, and my sister, to her new life after her and husband moved to retirement community.
Now I realize why I have been so devastated and depressed.
I’ve always had pets, who have comforted me, and I’m now getting mentally and emotionally prepared to say goodbye. They are old......
Because of you, I can start to get ahold of myself with these lost relationships, and they will be relieved.
Yes, I am shattered wide open and cannot grasp the depth of loss.
Idk how to start to heal, and I’m very hopeful to find guidance in your other videos.
❤️🙏🏻
Seriously man, i wish i had the ability listnen to this years ago. I find myself rewinding constantly douring your talks.
I stayed with my husband for 8 years hoping he would want children and be excited about it it never happened even when I left the first time what hurt the most was that nothing I could do could change his mind. Heartbroken but moving on
have you encountered material of the gottmans or stan tatkin? before commitment, both advocate a process of sharing such dreams/visions to establish strong foundations and make potential deal breakers explicit
Wow! This was amazingly insightful. This was my life in childhood and much to degree even now, although, things are changing as I learn more. What a blessing to have found your channel. You present the information so well. Thank you. You have shown me not all therapists are the same. You and one other I have found on YT have been exactly what I need right now. I hope to outgrow you both. I mean that in a good way. :-)
I have been through a childhood of neglect, abandonment, and rejection only to carry all this excess baggage into my failed adult relationships. Your UT videos are revolutionizing my life through the wisdom, insights, understanding, and knowledge I'm gaining and learning how to apply it to my life. I'm finally gaining insights to my broken lost self and how to heal from a lifetime of traumas. Thank you so much for reaching out to hurting people. You're awesome, Alan. Blessings! ❤
Thank you for sharing the videos brought so much and that you are learning. Many of us can relate with being through similar and I'm glad my work brought you some insights.
I know when similar conversations came up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you're not familiar with the Community, take the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Omg, you've explained that so good. Love the garden & tennis example. I can relate so much.
Actually we were a tennis family (on court) but highly dysfunctional. Thinking about my past relationship listening to you I see my self-gaslighting fantasies about my partners. I think fantasy played a huge role to overcome an insane childhood.
Brilliant video.
Two people agreeing to uphold the fantasy idea of the relationship … gosh, yes, I know so many people who do this and yet feel chronically empty, hollow and lonely.
This is so profoundly healing Alan. I wish you'd been around years ago. Thank you so much for the way you put things, with such clarity and great imagery with your words.
Thank you so much for talking about things nobody ever talks about. You make it clear and in a way that makes sense so I don't feel crazy
Thank you for valuing my material Paola. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins September 7th. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
SERIOUS LIGHT BULB moments for me in this video. It all makes sense now. So many different failed past/present relationships with family that lead to partner (SO) failures all spelled out so well that I had an 'AH HA' moment. TYSVM Alan, I have solid subjects to now address and work on with my therapist.
Jay are fantasy relationship bonds are a challenge. I am glad to hear you are invested in your healing work with a therapist. Many find that having a community in which to practice new skills is also a helpful resource in this work. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. www.alanrobarge.com/community
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma yes sadly all my relationships with family were very fantasy-esq. I did check out your community yesterday on facebook. Just awaiting approval!! I have also checked out your website. Thank you for all your work, it gives me hope to change!
You have an eloquent way of demystifying the complicated,shrouded, and inexplicable dynamic of having attachment trauma. It is poetry. The reality of it is so painful and terrorizing, but you lend beauty to the trek out of it. Thank you. You have facilitated so much healing for me.
How does one know that your expectations and what you think you need from the other person are real and not just an existential unfillable emptiness impossible for them to satisfy?
If they're doing what you think they should do, or are aware there's a lack for you in the relationship, then that is reality. Whatever they are doing is reality. What you think they should do to satisfy you is not reality.
Appreciated this detailed explanation. I usually describe this by saying "family is all the bodies in the room." For some family members, that was success, but for me the "profound emptiness" was haunting!
Glad to hear this video was helpful. You have good insight. Many of us can relate with "profound emptiness" in family history and why we explore ideas of healing together in the Improve Your Relationships Community. Members have reported it's easier to learn among others. You're invited to join in the conversations: www.alanrobarge.com/community
We can also benefit from understanding relationships more through learning about Attachment Distress for which I recently created a course. You might be interested in taking the Attachment Distress quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thank you for this video. This is precisely what I’m going through right now. Grieving the disconnected relationships from my family. This validates what I’ve been feeling
I realized that I have been pretending to have a sibling relationship with my sister my whole life. I pretended that she and everything her kids do are fascinating in order to feel like a part of that end of the family. Since then I've stopped being such a sycophant. I'm the older sister, after all, and now I'm playing that role so much better.
This sounds like a healing win. We acknowledge when we uncover new insights like yours as healing wins in the Improve Your Relationships Community. Good for you for processing new meaning of your role as a sister.
I just realised I thought my feelings of love and adoration for my current partner , were his. I confused my reality and projected it to him......he actually never really cared or adored me. I thought my feelings were enough to make or keep the relationship..... I actually thought he felt it because I felt it. It’s magic thinking.......he is dismissive avoidant.....
Thanks for sharing, Maria. My empathy goes out to you. These can be some overwhelming, painful, and powerful emotions to sit with. Good for you for acknowledging them and allowing yourself to process.
Because of the content of your comment, I believe you could benefit from my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. In it, I discuss in-depth the various ways in which we react to distress in our relationships, based on attachment traumas and injuries. Learning how you react to distress can help you understand yourself better and figure out more healthy ways of relating to yourself and others. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Along with this, I invite you to join my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. This is a place for people to come from all over who have experienced attachment wounds. Everyone is encouraging and friendly, and it's a great place to invest in if you want to pursue growth and healing. Please consider joining in on the conversations: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I had a very estranged and abusive relationship with my family during my childhood and adolescent years. This led me to live in a parallel fantasy world of my own creation in how everything is ok and manageable. This habit extended later in my future relationships which didn’t last really long. I was shifting between fantasy, fawning and confrontations full of anger and resentment. Your audio Dr. Alan clarified a lot some of my behaviors which I couldn’t explain. I really want to heal and learn how to communicate and connect with others in intimate level. Thanks a lot.
Fantasy, fawning, and resentment - yes ! It's so painful.
It’s hard when you fantasized that your family you were born into would be the tribe that would always get your back. It’s not so delusional to think such a sweet dream, yet it’s definitely hard to fully process how that’s not actually real, when you find out that those whom you had seen as your own family &/or extended family are capable of being cruel and bully you behind your back. I’m just now fully processing that I am from a fundamentalist evangelical cult, and that my family that would be preaching & ministering to others, had raised me to be the “black sheep” in the family, which is an actual clinically studied abusive system. When you start to find those who were also raised to be the “black sheep”, you find a large community full of people with the same wounds, and surviving the same abuses. It’s in the patterns that you both, are shocked to be that- the one so abused by a whole group- yet, also healed to find the patterns too, because those patterns will also ultimately help you heal. It’s ok. I’m so sorry to anyone out there fully processing that a whole tribe would choose you to toxic project all of the tribe’s own bad behavior on. It’s shocking to see how those you thought could love you, would not actually be loving about you like you give, and that it’s always been an act. It’s hard to have been attached to those who are not ever actually connected or attached to anyone. This is a very hard role to be born into, yet it doesn’t have to define you or who you are. It’s ok. I am disabled and I have ADHD, so in that frame of mind, I just assumed everyone was whom they were at face value, like I am. Yet, after finding out that behind my back, those who could be so sweet to me and so kind in person, could also be so cruel and even bully me behind my back. When that’s your own family of origin, and you find out everyone around tolerated the bad words says about you behind your back, it’s gruesome. That you never would or could be so cruel, is what helps you not succumb to the depression that does come with realizing those whom you thought were your own tribe, the people that eternally are with you, into The Heavens, when born into religions that bind family together, it’s very hard. Yet, you can shake out of such a pain and you can find like minded and kind people past those who slander and harm those they claim to love. You have the right to be with those who love, like you love. It’s ok. If you are reading this and just finding out you are that person, that had been so disrespected while trying to prove your respect to these types of people that harm their own children, their own siblings- & their own extended family members, do not be afraid. It’s a new day for you, and the pain does ease. This too shall pass. And you will find that you aren’t as isolated and alone as you had thought you were. You will find that after you get out of such dysfunctional relationships, you will be freer to have better more functional relationships past the dysfunctional ones. I had to get out of a whole cult, to save myself, my marriage & my own children from such dysfunctional relationships. It’s very hard, and it can feel scary not having everyone you grew up with around you anymore. Seek therapy so you don’t fall into old patterns of putting up with emotional, physical & spiritual abuse, in silence. I was raised told to apologize no matter if I did anything wrong, to keep the peace. No one else was raised to do this. That’s a hard truth, because I then took all abuses and quietly tried to find ways to counsel my abusers while being kinder to those attacking me. I never was raised to care about my own self. After years of therapy, I am learning new ways to be in relationship. My husband & my sons are the best teachers in healthier relationships, because we all have gotten so much help with therapists after getting out of a fundamentalist cult that used religion to control and violence with religion to control as well. Such toxic faiths are damaging, so take it easy on yourself and be grateful you got out. Be proud you got your children out. Be grateful you aren’t stuck in such generational pain anymore. You broke free. It’s hard, yet it’s much safer to be out. To be a survivor of such abuse is a phenomenal blessing. You will find that the “black sheep” will often be the most mentally fit, because they are often the ones who are shoved out and find better examples of relationships while out of their dysfunctional families. It’s ok to then find your own way to your own spirituality and you will find your own Love is enough, and that you will be blessed to find other healthier families, your own especially, which can be the friends that are like family & the family you forge on your own. I’m so grateful I was able to get my own family far from a cult that I now can see is so dysfunctional. I had not seen it, while in it. I had been raised having demons rebuked out of me, and I had not seen how damaging that was, because I had always made it a big joke. It wasn’t funny when the terror happened, yet I had made a big joke out of terror, to cope. It took recognizing how it was terrifying, to finally break free.
✨🕊💖🙏🏼✨
You are brilliant!! You just explained what’s been going on in my 20 year marriage, that I have just been awakened to! I would love for you to do a video on, How true love can’t coexist with fantasy.
Thanks for the feedback! Wow, glad to hear this video was so enlightening. Please turn your comment into a question and submit it to be considered for a future video www.alanrobarge.com/questions Glad this video sparked insight for you.
I seriously needed to find this, what a profound realization. Unfortunately I’m not sure if knowledge alone is enough to overpower this habit/pattern.
I'm so blessed and uplifted by all the new videos you have been posting. These are great!
Alan, this audio has made a huge difference for me in understanding what I couldn't piece together before regarding the sad and painful relationship patterns playing out for my entire life. It's 4 a.m., and I just finished listening, but I've never felt more awake. I do feel that profound emptiness and loneliness. I could not figure out where it keeps coming from. This helps me pinpoint things so much better. I really needed this. Thank you!
I keep telling my sister that she's not a part of my life anymore and that she doesn't spend time with me and I feel grief and loneliness but she keeps saying that she sees me "a lot". When I pointed out to her I only saw her on holidays, she said, it was a lot. I am so full of grief and I can't get her to understand why. Not only have I called her my best friend but also my only friend, but she's not really here for me, she is absent from my life.
"Hey guys! The garden has a lot of weeds."
It's tough being the family member that sees the REAL relationship and it's starvation. Such a lonely place!
Yes, I agree. Family dynamics are hard, and it can be challenging navigating these familial relationships. My empathy goes out to you.
Since you have experienced difficulties in attachment within your family, I want to recommend checking out my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. In it, I discuss the different ways we respond to distress in relationships based on attachment injuries and past wounds. It can be so helpful understanding our responses, what causes them, and how we can learn and grow from them in order to better relate to ourselves and others. Take the quiz now to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Along with this, I encourage you to consider joining in on the conversation within my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. In this online space, members from all over are able to discuss, learn, grow, and heal from their past wounds and attachment injuries. The topic of this video, along with other similar and varying topics, is one that we talk about in-depth within the Community. Having people who understand your feelings, thoughts, and experiences can make a huge impact on our healing work. We'd love to have you join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Wow...this explains my life to a capital T!!!! Griefing is right. It's very traumatic to understand that this is true in your family.
I have found myself in dynamics where one is initially validating me and I in turn have turned them into a hero. I have then lived in a fantasy world where in my mind they're singing with me in the car, we're having imaginary conversations only to find that when their circumstances change or they're overwhelmed by my honesty or truth as I see it in the moment when they say they're still here but emotionally they've left. It's not lost on me that if they were truly available that perhaps I wouldn't be ready for the relationship anyway. This has been a cycle I've been repeating for years. I've also seen other's feel it the other way round with me, although I haven't felt I've done anything out of any desire to set up someone to have a fantasy relationship with me. This has come at the perfect time. Thank you so much.
I find that I fawn with controlling or distant people and distance myself from emotionally available people. The first is familiar and the second makes me feel terrified, like I will drown or come up short.
Very fresh information. Where have You been? I look forward to your sharing so much more. Thank you. Yes I've come to this realization before on fantasy relationships, but it's healing for me to have it "Labeled" categorized for a foundation and not just free-floating pain. My heart is breaking again over the loss my imagination had upheld for me.
This video Alan is probably the most important one for me on UA-cam..i have watched it so many times and still revisit once in a while cause there is so many golden nuggets in here.. Your knowledge and your delivery is amazing Alan. More more more!!
I appreciate your feedback. Thanks for valuing the effort I put into the delivery. Glad to hear this content is of benefit for you. Thanks for commenting.
You may have already heard about it, but this is the type of content we explore in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community I welcome you joining us and becoming a member.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma thank you Alan! I will look it up… i have been in relationship with my fantasies for as long as i can remember..i realized this with this UA-cam video. It helps me a lot to understand why the breakup happened. You are a master in the attachment matter topic Alan✨ Are you doing any one on one session by any chance?
Great insight. Thanks for the feedback. Glad this content is helpful for you. Also thanks for your interest in working together.
I created a sign up system where you can learn all the details about working together and also my availability. You will also find answers to FAQs as well. Here you go:
www.alanrobarge.com/counseling
Best,
Alan
This is profound. First time a clear, easy explanation of introjecting an idea of what is and reality of what is. Thank you.
Grace Sanity, These are good ideas. They are the types of things we explore in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. You are invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I can not break up with my boyfriend and not super obsess over what he was in my head. His potential grows to a “fact” like state when I finally let go. This makes me crawl back to him just to be placed in the same dead spot I was in before. It’s so bad, that I’m the woman that has to at least keep these potential based boyfriends on a string until I find someone better.
Amazing and devastating insights in this video which touch some very deep rooted memories. Thanks Alan
You explained this perfect!! An undercurrent of something isn't quite right. This was so clear in my last romantic relationship and I now vaguely see it in my family upbringing. Thank you Alan for the healing and validation so huge!!