Crisis-Stage Codependency: How You Know It's Happening
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- Опубліковано 25 тра 2023
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Codependency may feel like a personality quirk but it can grow much, much worse. Codependency can snowball into a crisis-level distortion of thinking that -- unless you heal -- drags down your life (and the lives of others). In this video, I respond to a letter from a woman who finds herself pregnant and dependent upon an undependable and possibly dangerous partner, but cannot see the role she must play to get to safety.
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I know what fairy is going to say 😢
1. Get you out of there
2. Potential dangerous explosive situation
3. Huge red flag
4. Kid on drugs
5. Freeze mode
6. Mind playing tricks distorted thinking
7. Taking responsibility for your choices
8. I want you to wake up and be very real with yourself
9. Putting yourself in terrible situations and wait for someone to save you.
10. Codependency is how you lose your identity
11. Implore you to radically change your life to be a mother. 🙏🏽
You nailed it!
“Nobody is coming…” 🥺 I’m praying for you Chrissie.❤️
So painfully relatable. I had 2 kids with my kids dad !!!😒🙄🤔😅 🥺 Don't get me wrong... I love my kids, they're the best 2 people that ever came into my life🙌💯💙💕 I'm 38, my daughter is 16 now & my son is 15❤ After getting pregnant with my son... after pouring constantly, obsessively into this man in every extreme way to "try to help him, save him from himself, show him real love"... for 12 yrs.. I was doing all I was doing for all the wrong reasons. Not to save him or show so much love.... I was sick too (sadly but finally HONESTLY too mentally ill, an addict, survivor of childhood neglect, abandonment, abuse and molestation at 5 by an older male family member 😢 and painfully codependent)... I didn't know how to save, love, protect, help myself... I definitely couldn't actually help or save him if I couldn't for myself 💯🙌😞 With distorted perception, magical thinking and zero proof/action/accountability etc on his part he could be a kind, loving, caring man and eventually change to be that man i knew he could if he just changed... He was a narcissist, had C-PTSD, and was a severe addict and career criminal. I didn't know then but everyone told me he's not good for u, u deserve better. I did. But I stayed and bless my super krayzie soul had 2 kids with him then realized I could take all his damage, I was used to it. But no, I won't allow your inability to care about anyone other than yourself damage these two beautiful babies ❤ Finally left him and never moved back in together or dated again. If I did hear from him, he never asked how our kids were. Tells u everything😢🤬 I know it pinches to hear it, but he's' too young, immature, definitely an actively using addict. Do what I did went to where I hated most for roof over head, put on homeless shelter waiting list... 2 days after my son was born and we moved into the shelter. She was 15 months old (a preemie baby, born 21/2 months early😢 2.9oz..) and he was 5 days old.. It was one of the hardest years I had, so much to correct and heal in me and to live there was required... like 5 times a week meetings, random drug test 3 ×'s a wk, enrolled in a community college to take GED glasses. (Got high school diploma.. top of my class of the 11 honor students❤🎉) Hard and I didn't like having to ne there. Had no family support at all. But although I didn't like it. But I'm grateful it saved us. Learned so many positive things that year and gained more accomplishments. You can leave and raise the baby🙌💯 it'll but tough, but the love and protection mothers instinctively have will help u get away from him (b/c he doesn't want to or can't get clean/in recovery right now if HE doesn't want to) 🙌God bless you and all of us in this community who share these similar painfully sad traumas.. we just needed to be loved so bad. Amen. But as I realized, no accepted it/seen it for what it actually was... I fell in love with a vision of who I wanted him to be. Thinking I could save him. That I could help him and love him like no one else had. I did too much and got nothing in return. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. Hugs and healing prayers for you and your beautiful baby❤ I pray you do well and find the help and support you need.
#10. HUGE
Blaming other people is like a drug that keeps you disassociated and from taking charge of your own life!
Unless other people DID contribute to your hardship.
@@SkyeAten Sometimes, those interferences makes it difficult to get back up. Especially when the offenses are repeated.
@@SkyeAten so, true. The universe only rewards action. Blaming people keeps one from doing what they can to make their life better.
“Nobody is coming to save you” - always so powerful.
This sounds like my last nightmare of a relationship. No accountability, violence, addiction. I hope she can also find the courage to walk away 😢 Micromanaging an adult child is impossible on top of trying to raise a healthy baby. More importantly, it is not her responsibility to.
I also was in a toxic relationship with a controlling meth addict who intentionally tampered with our birth control (i overheard him talking about it with a friend while I was pregnant) to intentionally make me pregnant, and when his friend asked him why, his reply was "so she can't leave me". That's when I knew I needed to get away from him, because my baby deserved better. I deserved better. I was lucky, I had family to fall back on. But my life was no longer just about me, it forever more was about us, and what was best for us. I wish you strength, peace, and stability going forward. You and your baby deserve better.
Thank you for sharing. -Calista@TeamFairy
*edited for clarity
You’ve got this girl!! Listening to this, I can hardly remember being in your situation so many years ago-it feels like a lifetime. Now, I’m a college graduate with a beautiful adult daughter who is simply amazing. She has never met her biological father, and has been better for it-he was a hot mess. I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but sometimes having the responsibility of caring for someone else, is exactly what we need in order to learn self care. Praying for you.
I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate. Let him go to court for paternity rights
Single mom here. It's not easy, but living with an addict was harder. I second Anna. Get support. There are people who love to help. I would make sure it's not another man for a good while.
Oh Krissy honey. My heart goes out to you. I have faith in you because you wrote to Anna, you knew where to go to start getting help. Prayers for you and your baby. Please leave this guy today.
Thanks for sharing these kind words! -Calista@TeamFairy
A lot of people have not figured out that they are in charge of their life now. When you were a kid you wanted someone to take care if you; they didn’t. You get stuck wanting other people to take care of you. Some of us look okay because we found other people to take care of and that looks like we are taking care of ourselves. But, we are not actually serving ourselves or doing what we want to do. Stop lying to yourself and others. Find out what you want. Stop hiding from life. ❤
Nailed it!!❤
This is intriguing
We actually NEEDED to be cared for as children. Our survival depends on it and when we're not, it definitely distorts our ways of thinking and who we get involved with as we grow and as adults. We still need to take responsibility as adults, I realize that. I just wanted to make a sort of correction here because as children it is a want to an extent, but it's more a need to be taken care of by our guardians. Unfortunately when we don't get our needs met, we are released as adults needing to figure it all out on our own.
@@wordivore Agree! Infants, toddlers, children, teens, young adults... All need proper levels of nurture, modeling & guidance (in addition to basic needs being met) for good health & brain development. It's scary how much of our issues go back to childhood & family dynamics! I thought I was ok til I got older & compared my upbringing with friends' & roommates' parents, then studied psych & child development in college. Something as "minor" (vs DV/SA/neglect etc) as an overly strict/rigid or extremely permissive household shapes a person's thinking & sense of self. Discipline, communication styles, respect vs shaming & criticism... So many things affect our self esteem & personality, both of which tie closely with work/life/relationship skills. I personally don't think a parent's job is "over" just bc a child is grown... The love & wisdom of family is definitely missed, esp when one falls on hard times (& has no one else).
I can totally relate to codependency. I've spent my whole life taking care of other people's needs and neglecting my own. I'm to the point in my life to where I don't even want to be around others. I just enjoy being alone with God. He will never leave us nor forsake us. It seems to me that there are so many dysfunctional people that are just looking for someone to take care of them. Seems that no one wants to take responsibility for themselves.
Great vid! Thank you, Anna, for the awesome work you do!
I’m going to share just a snippet for this still young lady.
My Mom always was sending me out of state to help my older sister with her baby. Her baby had a bad heart. I was barely sixteen. I was left with a three month who would have heart attacks and even turn blue. I held her close and passed the floor waiting for the EMT’s .... Baby girl died on one of those events...
I spun out mind and soul.
Secondly it took me a while to graduate and get a full high school diploma. At age thirty five I went to college. So yes get out and get the help you need. Go to college. You can do this. And it will empower you.
No judgment but Anna is right as she always comes through with an honest answer.
I’m only partway through, listening to the video, but from personal experience, I find it also helps to hear what a normal relationship is. I.e. you shouldn’t have to beg someone for years to be a grown-up or take responsibility or get off drugs. In fact, you shouldn’t start a relationship with anyone with a chemical dependency.
But I find sometimes people can’t hear the message of “you made a bad choice“ when they don’t understand what a healthy relationship is and that they deserve one and can have one. When they don’t understand what a good partner acts like.
I would love to hear you contrast a poor choice of partner with what a good partner would be acting like. Yes, they do exist, and you do deserve it. That would be a great series of videos!
I’m a male but find this all very helpful I suggest videos to my wife but she’s been a little slow with her healing journey it helps me to hear that there’s nothing I can do and it’s my codependent issues popping up hopefully we can keep moving forward and healing together/hug love you all
Sending you both encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
Hey bing flosby- Croon a little to your lsweet wife, and blessings to you both. I’m glad you wrote.
First step to healing is taking responsibility for your choices going forward after messing up. You didn’t know what your problem was; forgive yourself and give yourself grace. After that make sure you take responsibility for what you do and stop blaming others for what you do.
Park Lady, You make all the points of what I agree 💯 percent. I just had to support your comment.
She has found this man because she wants to take care of someone. Keep the kid. Keep them safe and lose the man. He was looking for a mother too. He wanted to trap you with a baby. He thinks a baby would make him be a better person and stop doing drugs. Unfortunately, they don’t. Babies are stressful and will make bad situations worse.
It takes two to tango. The pregnancy wasn't an immaculate conception. Conversely: Father figure. Obligate by having a baby.
Oh yes, of course. But there are some people you can not allow to be around a child.
All my support is for Chrissy. I went through an isolated pregnancy. I blamed others for years after my daughter's birth. In giving away blame, I gave away my power. I eventually got it back when I saw my own behavior for what it was.
And let me tell you, it is so much easier to understand my place in this world as a person paying for her own mistakes, than live as someone else's victim. Hope you and your baby get the help you need.
This is fire!
she is the mom of both, her 12 year younger partner and her future baby. The balance is off. She needs real responsible caring people with real support in order to take care of HERSELF and her baby. The baby is already being traumatized in her belly. Serious pre-natal trauma!
The very first minutes of this video perfectly described my parents marriage. My mum, a codependent, married to my dad, a sociopath. Horrible combination. He tried to kill her twice or more, but she always kept her role as the perfect wife, catering for her family needs. Codependency is a terrible pathology. Thanks Anna for your insight!
Hard road you have come up from, I'm glad you are here.
-Cara@TeamFairy
“You fall in love with their potential”. Oh my gosh. So true.
Yikes, I'm pretty damn codependent but listening to this, every other sentence I was like 'holy f---' What a situation. O.o Hope Anna will make Chrissy realize there is no hope with this guy as a partner or a father. Ditch him asap! Drugs + constant fights + kids = messed up adults, pretty sure no parent wants that.
Codependency. Doing the worst things with the best intentions.
“I know how terrifying it can be” I do too, this was me in my 20’s & 30’s with an abusive husband and 4 kids. Get out of the relationship NOW!
Note: there will still be challenges but it is easier to face them without the daily mental abuse you’re experiencing now. Be kind to yourself ❤
CCF, your kindness and support come through loud and clear here - you are so compassionate and loving to Chrissy and understanding of what she needs. Thank you for modeling true friendship!
Thank you for your kind words! -Calista@TeamFairy
A lot of love to you Chrissy!! Your situation is similar to what my mom went through. Besides a supportive community, what helped her the most was to connect to nature. It gave her meaning and helped her with stress relief. 💖
She's treating this 22 year old like he's a kid. Geographical cures don't work because we take ourselves with us. Yes, getting safe and getting help for herself without these crazy relationships is the only thing to do. She has the responsibility - no one else can do it for her. A daily structure toward goals may pale in comparison with all the drama and excitement - but it is real. It's the only way for her to find real happiness.
I really connected with this and felt strongly for the child. My own mother was very co dependent toward my addict/alcoholic father who was 5 years her junior, and her kids, trying to fix all of us and mold us into what she thought we should be. Now, her children have all but completely estranged themselves from her and she *never* solved the problem of my father's addictions nor her own issues with being codependent. I feel for the writer cuz i see my mom, i feel for the father cuz i see my father, and i feel for that unborn child cuz i see myself. I truly hope the writer gets those services and gives her kid a chance. Thank you CCF for choosing this vid and replying with grace.
Crissy, great job reaching out to Anna! Sending you and your baby lots of love and strength ❤ You can do this!
Thanks for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Dear Chrissie (Sorry if I misspelled). Pease listen to Anna and get yourself physical and emotional help.
Everything you eat, think and do affects you and your baby now, Please give yourselves your own best efforts and opportunities. And get the heck out of Dodge, asap.
Please don’t blow off Anna’s advice, especially if it’s not what you wanted to hear; She’s gone through stuff I can’t imagine, and I’ve gone through-and put myself through -a whole giant pile of crap.
35 is a marvelous age. You’re not a puppy, but you don’t have a whisper of ‘old fart’ in you. At 74, I’ve got my old lady pants on- but there’s lots of good and beautiful stuff out there…Go for it!
Thanks for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Very scary circumstances for her & her baby. Good solid advice from Fairy. I wish her all the best.
Dear Anna,
You are saving lives, futures and entire families!
Thank you.
❤
The guy probably has BPD or is Bipolar. She is codependent and acting as the mother to not cope with being lonely. He plays the victim and drains her pocket…a focus on baby can heal her. There is typically free counseling with pregnancy. There are free parent and baby yoga classes often. I lived this completely. I chose to not include family and friends. I needed this to find myself and make own decision whether to parent or not. Mothering was a great reset. I live in peace now. I had to accept help for a bit, but now l earn more than ever and l have a child who is above average, kind, and loving. It has been so restorative.
Yay! It’s so good to hear success stories like this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hey Krissy Chrissy Chrissie, I Understand and you are NOT alone! When I was 34, I married a 26 yr old guy. Turns out he is a cover narcissist-text book, but I didn't see that at the time. I realized that I was a frog in a pot of water on the stove. In my experience, it gets worse as they get older. When my husband turned 30, his alcoholism turned worse by an order of magnitude. Right now I'm in the middle of a very nasty divorce. I've been in freeze mode. I take naps more than I ever have in my life. I am avoidant. However, I have found a wonderful therapist and lawyer, Thank God. Please take care of yourself and your baby! I wish I could write more or reach out but please, LEAVE! You need to be safe! Thanks for sharing your letter!
Hi Anna. I can't even express to you how your words have given me so much hope when I literally just one week ago on my 66th birthday was completely hopeless and had given up on ever being any different. I was done. I didn't even care what would happen to me anymore. That Sunday night on my birthday I turned on UA-cam and one of your videos was on my home page. Top left corner. I had not been searching for anything pertaining to healing or childhood trauma so the fact that you were even there on my home page was weird.
Even more weird was that I clicked on your video because I had no desire whatsoever to listen again to the same things I had heard and even taught over and over and over most of my entire life. But I did click. It had to of taken over one hour to get through the first 10 minutes of watching it because I had to repeatedly stop the video from crying. This wasn't crying from guilt and shame. It was hope. Something that I have never connected with was the realization that I could actually change and be different. Your words gripped me and would not let go. It has now been only 6 days and I am still having tears flowing out of me. It has been like this everyday. I know these are tears of joy and hope while so much pain is being released from all the years of believing I will never be any different and I would just continue to sabotage everything good in my life.
I have so much work to do but its ok. I feel I have a starting point that will actually help me to change and an understanding about myself I never had before. Its freaking awesome!
I want to thank you with all my heart for what you have given to me in the most loving, kind and non-judgmental way. You are such a special person.
Scott
Wow! Thank you for sharing, I'll make sure Anna reads this. I'm so glad the channel has been helpful and happy belated birthday :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Omg I feel so sad hearing this! My heart goes out to you and let me tell you a little piece of part of my story to encourage you to leave TODAY!
I was in a really bad situation emotionally after a bad divorce when i met a guy who was 9 years younger and your story kind of reminded me of him. He moved in after 3onth cause he thought paying two rents was not necessary anymore, i remember thinking to myself...ok, if i pretend he's just here to visit it's not gonna be a big deal🙈. We fought almost every day and he called me names and told me really bad things but always apologized after...After 1 year he asked me to marry him in front of a full movie theatre and again i didnt have the strength to turn him down and thought to myself...if i say yes it diesnt have to happen for another year so ill have time to figure out how to get out of this. He had an appointment made at the city hall and i again didn't have the strength to stop any of this although I knew it was all very toxic. The only thing I didnt do when he wanted me to was to get off birth control. In the end I started to think about ways to get out of that relationship but did not find the strength again...he ended it when he cheated on me with someone else and that night was the first night I slept through during the entire 5 years we've been together.
I didn't know what to do cause we bought a house together ( he wanted that) and were so deep in mortgage but I took it one step at a time and it worked out in the end. Tiny little steps and I hope you csn do the same! Tiny steps in the right direction will make all the difference! I built up my self-esteem, I started to get physically fit as well and I promised myself to never not speak up for myself ever again. Nowadays I feel healthy and powerful and optimistic and I was even able to keep the house ( I could have never imagined) and I remodeled it and now it's all mine and I'm living a happier life than ever! So I really hope this insprires you ! ❤
You should do the same, never not take your needs not into consideration and now that you're becoming a mother, never not take your babies needs into consideration! Just imagine how it would be to stay eith your bf and having a crying baby waking you ( and him) up 5 times a night, just imagine how the fighting would impact your baby's health....seeing all that in your mind leaves you only one option....leave that environment and get help! There are places you can go and they will help you and give you guidance with everything! Please please don't be weak like I've been and wait for life or circumstances to help you... you've your baby to consider! I wish you'd live close so I could help but I'll definitely keep you in my prayers tonight! ❤
I feel like part of having grown up in an abusive/ chaotic household is often that you are considered malicious when you are not, e.g. your caregiver thinks that you are asking for food or clean clothing or a safe, quiet space just to be a pain in their ass. A lot of us grow up trying not to judge others so harshly… which is a beautiful thing, responding to cruelty and abuse by being more compassionate? Wow! But it leaves us so vulnerable to people who let their demons drive. LW, don’t set your child up to be in the same position you are, please. Show the grace and kindness you have poured into these broken men to yourself and your child. You both deserve safety, nurturing, and the peace to grow healthy.
Just a different take here, but when I was choosing extremely toxic relationships it was very “valid” (in my mind) way to never focus on me and my problems. The more explosive the person the greater distraction from my own pain and hurts. Like living in a soap opera of my own making. I realized I was using the dysfunction of (others who I perceived myself as more healthy than) to mask my own. I was never the bad guy. But of course what I was doing was cruel and unfair. Could this be a component here? Choosing people to share your life with which always gives you an “edge” is not growing, it just looks like it from where you are because the smaller they are they bigger you appear. what would it be like to let go of fixing him and asking yourself why do I feel the need to fix him? How does my focus on him serve me?
Good luck. Not an easy journey. For me it was painful to learn I saw myself as above others. Something done to me a lot as a kid. But we cannot heal what we are unwilling to look at and this realization allowed me to see I was often the dysfunctional person kicking the hornets nest in my own life.
Sending love and support to Chrissy
Thanks for this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I am so grateful for your videos you've actually changed my life and I have shared your videos with my team and ask them to watch them to help other women like me that comes through women's transition houses. In fact two of your videos completely turned me around in my behaviours that I have had my entire life and I am 51 years old. Within a week the staff here has told me they could not believe the change and how quickly and how fully I have turned around. The two videos were one about dysregulation and the other about limerence. With that being said, I'm taken aback by this particular video posted, I feel that this woman is just like all of the women here at the transition house. She is looking for help and everybody makes it her problem. I feel like people that are there to help women in crisis, women that are fleeing abusive situation should never ever be held responsible for their circumstance.I also feel that if somebody watches this and is in crisis they may feel afraid to leave or speak about what they're going through and be honest about their circumstance because they feel or may feel that they will be judged and held accountable for where they are right now. If you have been raised in a very very dysfunctional family from the time you were born and had one dysfunctional and abusive relationship after another you do not have the tools to do with somebody can do who has gone through therapy and has done everything they can from that letter I hear that she has worked her ass off all by herself did everything she could do to do the right thing and to get as far ahead as she can and I hear that that was not good enough so I'm a little disappointed I don't want to make you feel bad because I do hold you in high esteem but at the same time I need to say that I don't feel this video is okay I'm sorry.
I got all excited because I got a notification and an email saying that crappy childhood fairy gave me a heart on my comment and I was all happy but it's not there and I believe it's because it was a mistake and it was for the comment below me. I didn't want to make the crappy childhood fairy feel bad because I actually adore her. I just wanted to make sure that the woman who wrote The letter had her perspective heard and I believe coming from where I am right now, that she's trying her hardest to do the right thing and she probably doesn't have the tools that the average woman does. She's trying her best and I just would hate to see her feeling shot down and defeated by her Idol. Not that that would be crappy childhood fairy his intention, because I I know and I can see that her intentions are always good. It's just perspective and it's all subjective as far as that goes. I guess I just wanted to be her champion because I am living with my two sons one being special needs in a woman's transition house to stay away from my incredibly abusive once again in every way just like she said in the letter and I mean every way husbandgoing through a nightmare and being stalked. Having both of my children in therapy and myself in therapy all the time having to obey rules like a minimum-security prison for our own safety when we just left a different type of prison and having to deal with many many other things that arise even when you're escaping so I just wanted to be an advocate and let her know that she's not alone and that she is trying her best and she sounds very similar to me I've done my own work because there was such a long waiting list for therapy and the crappy childhood fairy was one of my main therapist along with a few others. So I love this woman that does this work she has changed my life I did not mean any disrespect I just I guess I'm sticking up for what feels familiar.
I've been dealing with an incredibly stressful situation and this video gave me relief I cant thank you enough. I was missing the fantasy I created of who she could be not who she is. I love your videos and will be watching as many as I can.
I'm so glad the video was helpful! Sending you encouragement :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
she sounds like a very capable person, very willing to put in the work, i have no issue believing she can get past this moment into her life and into a better situation, my best wishes for her all the same.
Thanks for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This is so spot on and such solid advice. I hope the Chrissy can do these things and get the help she needs. ❤❤❤
FAIRYGodmother, 🙏🏼
Please keep doing what you’re doing.. asking the gang to be kind and not rip into the mother-to-be, but be supportive… PROVIDE SUPPORT bravo and 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 way to speak, live, and act from the heart, which is what we need the very most right now. We need to lift each other up 🆙 ⬆️💫🌟
I’m glad you shared that. Thank you.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Best definition of codependency I have ever heard. Thank you.
Get the hell out of there girl ... If you do choose to remain in that toxic relationship and environment then C.P.S. will remove your baby and put them into foster care. Do you really want that for your child?
You can do it Chrissy!! & it will be worth it. Thank you for sharing your story. You're not alone
Trying to force a parent to parent. That says it all.
~Sometimes inviting CPS into your life can create even more problems!~
I love your definition of co dependency
Understandable, relatable
Hoping the letter writer gets flooded with love & support
I wish her well! ❤ Don't feel like you have to dissect his stuff. Be as healthy as your baby needs for you to be. You're going to be a FANTASTIC MOM 😊❤😊
What a kind thing to say! We appreciate it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
100 percent!! Oh dear I've been there too. Anna is absolutely right. Hugs, love and prayers to you and your little precious baby.
Terrific analysis of what's going on!
Thank you! -Calista@TeamFairy
We have to accept people as they are, not keep focusing on their potential, or in other words, someone that doesn't exist. Trying to force other adults to do something, even if its good for them is a very bad way to go. Its basically trying to take away their freedom, which is literally impossible, which means it continually frustrates everyone involved. Its like continually trying to move an immovable object. It will always be exhausting with no progress ever made. Its also just not loving.
My mother did this with my step father, and he eventually abandoned her. I did this with my ex wife and she left, and my sister did this with her boyfriend, and they are still together, but she learned not to force things anymore. It literally always makes things worse when you don't allow them to be free to be themselves. The only true options are to accept them for who they are and decide its not for you and leave, or accept them for who they are and endure all the problems they cause.
Chrissy I hope everything works out and you get resources close to you 💜💜💜
52 years old... And yes,I'm still working on my issues with Codependency....
Hi I have been through similar .... now I am learning about codependency very day
and focusing on my children - its crazy how our thoughts can suck us in to stay in insanity x
good luck
Bless you chrissy ❤ be kind to you and your baby, you both deserve the best x
Prayers for You Crissy. And also the Young Man. But of course he has to take his own responsiblity.
We have to ALWAYS help ourselves first. And only when we ourselves are fully healthy and happy, can we try to help anyone else. Please take care of you and your baby first.
Wishing you Lots of Good Luck, and Healthy Supportive People and Friends.
One Great decision/step you have taken though. Kudos for having written to Anna!! Keep making Good choices/decisions like that!! All the Best!!
Thanks for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I have a family member who is codependent and watching her marriage and friendships is painful. Everyone around her is a project and her goal in life is to mold them into the version of them she thinks they should be while ignoring her own issues. It’s sad to watch.
I got married to what I always stated Was my best friend I was 18yrs old, Given I’ve really only been the one to state this, since 11yrs old. I caught your video upload prior to this- and Everything is dead On! I’m “Waking-Up” truly accepting the “truths” that I’ve always known yet struggled to truly accept. I created someone he is Not & I know will never be. I have provided for us our kids last 10yrs and 10 prior 90% then. We’ve been isolated for many of these years. I trusted everything he said, years later same song being song. He’s “Peter Pan” & I’m “Wendy” to a “T”. I’ve been suffering the entire 20 years since 19yrs. I’m not educated as school was difficult to do, to do anything outside him was made very difficult. Prior to COVID, I started to awake! Being very real with myself. Realizing patterns. Realizing he will just never work or do adulting so to say. He has a very traumatic childhood. Thee worst I’ve Ever heard. Now trying to break free, is so hard! We are legally binding. We don’t own much of anything as I’m the only one gaining. Yet what little I’ve accumulated he will fight on- he can have it all. It’s the actual legal process I’m having trouble navigating. There’s no resources, no help, to navigate. Come this Tuesday I hope to finally submit the doc la to the court house. Hopefully the correct way. May the courts have mercy on me not having direction and desperately needing peace & freedom. This relationship is literally sucking the life from me. He is a high functioning narcissist, childhood ptsd, amongst a few others that are hereditary to his immediate family. ALL things I never considered @ 18yrs old.
Love you Chrissy! You are a child of God and nobody is worth more than another! Your life matters, Anna is of course giving you great advice! You will be so happy you followed her advice once you have made these immediate changes. You have so much to look forward to in life, and keep praying 🙏🏻 it’s the best thing we can all do for ourselves ♥️🙏🏻♥️
❤
I wish her all the love and courage! I also really recommend if she has a hard time finding support to join a church. I find that even if you are not a believer people in the church community are very eager to offer help and housing for those in need, especially for children and mothers.
My heart breaks for these situations. I work in the mental health field and I just saw this happen with my patient’s daughter. CYS took her 2 year old child because she didn’t leave the father who was abusive in every way imaginable, (who has a very similar story to Chrissy’s partner). A child should not be subjected to this trauma. Please find help and resources so that you can have the strength to prioritize your child over the desire of wanting your partner to be a better person. People rarely change and if they do it won’t be because you’ve forced them to!
I am so grateful that we have the choice to end pregancies 😢
Good advice, I've been on both sides of the relationship in question. This girl is lucky that pregnancy has come in the last chapter. This also means she has to get independent quickly.. Getting out of the relationship is imperative and work hard at getting a stable living situation. Go for it, he'll understand and appreciate the necessity of this eventually.
Hey CCF, I truly wonder if the people who write you actually follow your good advice. I am curious to know if there is a follow up. I have a friend who is in a crappy situation and when given advice she still makes bad choices one after another. There is something wanting there.
There's a lot of programming that's been done. Most people don't take advice. Hopefully since she's writing and asking for it though, she will take it. Sometimes it does take someone telling us our options especially when stressed out and feeling hopeless. Luckily there is public assistance for people and especially women who have or are expecting children. If she lives in the US she will be able to get health care through medicaid, probably some cash assistance too as well as housing, even though I'm not sure what that's like these days if there's a big waiting list or not. Only on way to find out though. Go apply.
I hope that Chrissie follows through on the advice given, and I hope she lets you know how she is doing.
Hi Anna, I wonder if you might do a video talking about the ways codependency manifests and feels on the inside in everyday situations, in public settings, like going to the grocery store, passing neighbors, walking down the street, and just being in the presence of other human beings in general. Thanks for everything.
I've helped 2 young woman. Second one I was mama to her baby. But after many times my husband and I helped her money food baby things. Had her stay over she was in a place for unwed moms but all she wanted to do was help her ex boyfriend first babys father get out of prison in another state 100s of miles away. We felt used we wanted so much to help her and the baby. But she wasn't present or thinking in our opinion of the baby and herself. I had to walk away tore my heart out. She needed to have someone watch her. Love her she was my friend but as you say tough love. We had to leave it in SS hands. You have to help yourself. She was treating him like she was his mommy very controlling. The story goes on but for 6 months or more she was our focus. She needed help nothing to be ashamed of. Again she can't tell a grown man what to do. We couldn't tell her what to do. But we showed tough love and had to walk away. That was the hardest for me.
Nana to her baby not mama
I worked with a girl (20-something) who would talk about her personal life daily. Her own mother had gained custody rights of her young child, she had a bf in jail at the time & had not even been legally divorced from her husband. Strange that this topic of conversation in the workplace was "normal" or ok to her, no shame or awkwardness. Since her work ethic was much more relaxed than ours (looked at cell constantly, stood around when could be productive, left early & called in) I just figured it was lack of experience & maturity level. Anyway, found out later that she was on probation & a work release program, which explained why she was allowed all of that without consequence (company usually strict). Great reminder that we all know what we live. Possible that she didn't think anything was inappropriate (workplace chat or behavior) bc of the environment she grew up in or perhaps just wired differently. Likely more to the story but at least she was trying. We never know what someone has been through.
Bless you for being a supportive caregiver & being a needed role model in that young mom's & baby's life. Sorry it didn't seem to work out but you did have a positive impact. She will remember when she's ready & capable. ❤
I know this is a serious problem, but, I always repeat this to me and to my friends: “The Avengers aren’t coming to save me. Trust me, I wait for they and they never show up.”
You are your own hero Chrissy ❤❤❤❤
He doesn't sound like a safe person to have kids with. She absolutely needs to protect her child and get away.
2:08, I like when this is said.
And 8.27 😢
'Crissy' if you're reading these comments, please stay *focused* on the guidance Anna gave you.
Right now, it'll be too easy to get swept away from concentrating on what's best for you & your baby.
Stay the path & be strict with yourself to block out interferences.
Chrissy you can do this! ❤️
Thank you for sending encouragement!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Drugs in the mix and he's 22 years old? Not even fully wired up yet. He's still exiting adolescent brain and adulting right now. He's got a tough road ahead, and she will, too, if she doesn't let this go. You can get through this! You really can.
The drugs will always be more important than anyone even their baby. I hope that you found help and you are both safe❤
Thank you for writing encouragement to the letter-writer!
TeamFairy
Be present.
Sounds too familiar. The son I raised on my own is 19 now. You can't change that man child, but you can save yourself and create a peaceful life for you and your baby. Keep the focus on yourself.
I've sure been there. Even felt bad for drug hubby that ran out of drugs, couldn't stand to see him in pain, coming down.
Gave him money to Go get a fix😢
You are worthy. God will guide you. Have Faith. Take a step forward.
She's had too much 'faith', passively waiting for rescue. What she needs now is to take ACTION.
It's exhausting
I hear you. -Calista@TeamFairy
And no where is it ever mentioned love
Lol Deja vu my ex
Had problems with cocaine
Had been suicidal
6 years younger than me
We barely knew each other I got pregnant
Oh yeah let's have a baby and get married 😂😂😂
19 years and 2 kids later 😮
I had an Earth shattering crisis and legit BROKE
Happy ending....healing my trauma...remarried and healthy 💖
Church is a good support system!
Get in touch with an adoption agency
This is a domestic violence situation please call for shelter care. Run
Or prepare to do so!
She needs to go to a battered women’s shelter or women’s crisis shelter. They will also help her get full custody of the child if she wants to keep it after it’s born.
At 36, I was in this situation. I was wiht a drug dealer and copious user of marijuana. I wanted him yo change, to stop the drugs and not be so bad tempered. Once vaby was born i left the city and moved 1000 kms(I caught the train and had a bag and a pram) to find a place to stay near my mum (unsupportive - mental illness). I found a flat and atrended 12 step group. I wish I could say that I didn't stick around during the pregnancy, as no doubt the stress hormones would have affected my now 24 year old son. Being with his dad and rhe pregnancy was so scary abd I didn't know how to leave. But once I did, it was clear skies abd smoothe sailing. I doubt my decision making to this day, but the video shoes me that I have made some good decisions and that I would be better to have more faith in myself. 28:34
It's funny that the young boyfriend started treating her horribly once she got pregnant. Did he entrap her?
Bait and switch
Is it normal to reach for a drink after a therapy session
I hope its ok to recommend a book that was suggested to me back in the 80’s. (I had never heard of codependency). This book, well a significant aspect of my being shifted, a warm heat filled the void in my solar plexus and never came back. BUT of course the mystery symptoms plaguing my life remained unknown till now c ptsd.
CODEPENDENT NO MORE, by Melody Beattie (sp?)
this is one of those situations where pregnant women get murdered. it's one of the riskiest times in a woman's life for domestic partner violence :(
i had an abusive relationship turn violent with my first pregnancy. please take your life and your baby's life seriously. you both deserve emotional and physical safety.
i ended up having my first child on my own, and a ton of people stepped up to help me out. fairy is totally on the spot with that.
Codependent never ask for help always mothering others
You mentioned weed!, how it affect the brain and makes you more angry and can lead to anger management! Please I like to know more about this , I am an excessive weed smoker, and looking to get help to overcome it, it really affects my mood everyday !😅 I am an angry bird all the time if I am not high !!! 😮 anything pity irritates me. I got worst anger management in the world ! This must be reason I will try harder to stop ! Perhaps keep busy so I don’t remember ganja haha
What are the Do's and don'ts with Codependency?
22, taking mushrooms, smoking weed, very immature? No, he's right on track, he's getting all that stuff out of the way like we all do/did at that age. Having expectations of someone so much younger than yourself to be as 'mature' as you (maybe) are - THAT is the fallacy here. Let that guy live and have his shot in this earthly realm dammit. This is the problem with the internet; people apply whatever fits in their "I'm right" mindset as a one size fits all, not cool.
You forgot the part where he's an abuser. She needs to leave because he's not only high he's an abuser.
Not really related to Chrissy’s letter, but I wonder if she is one of those cases of people who have disappeared. I hope she informed some relative or friend that she is alive and “well”.
This is such a depressing situation to observe, let alone live in. How awful to bring a helpless infant into dangerous chaos. The child abuse is starting in the womb. You think you had a bad family experience? This kid is being set up to have one 10X worse, if it even survives childhood. So sad.
I agree she needs to make a clean break from this "Kid" as well as her family and care for herself.... Being in no relationship is better than an unhealthy one ...
Do you believe EFT tapping is helpful?
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