Focusing Too Much on Others Damages Your Life (4-Video Compilation)
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- Опубліковано 28 вер 2024
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Many people misunderstand what codependency actually is -- a compulsion to donate all your focus to another person's life, and then to try to control them and extract your happiness from the hope that THEY will change. In this compilation, I share four of my most popular videos about codependency and the ways people with trauma are particularly vulnerable to it. If you know the signs, you can stop codependent tendencies before they ruin your relationship and drain everything good from your life.
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Thank you so much for your channel ,for each one of your videos and for your theories. You are saving thousands of human beings.
So nice of you
Didn’t Obama give everyone free healthcare?
I think it’s important to remember that “co-dependent” refers to a pattern of relationship involving two people. It’s not an identity for one person, it’s a way of relating involving someone overfunctioning and someone underfunctioning, and the cycle depends on both people fulfilling these roles.
Helpful thanks
yes, and relationships of ALL types. I just totally burned out from being the overfunctioner - I had to literally die to learn that though. Die from other causes, but it was in the line of duty as a nurse....go figure.
Absolutely!
No not really, a person can be co dependant
@@annaspratt361 I’m saying that isn’t true. “Co” means with. Two people can be in a codependent relationship. I disagree with describing an individual as “a codependent.” It’s a lazy way of describing a relationship style as a personality. You may be a person attracted to codependent relationships. Or a chronic over or under- functioner.
So many slackers in my life! My husband, my son, my brother. It’s like I’m running circles around them. It’s true the more you do, the less they do.
Hi, I just found you on my feed, 34 male suffering frim cptsd,im looking forward to going through your content. Thank you for sharing 😊
Welcome to our CCF community! Hope you'll find help and support here!
Nika@TeamFairy
I can see co-dependency in myself and my partner. He is the "I do everything for you" type. He does things I don't need or ask him to in a critical way which triggers the "under-acheiver" in me - because if I "don't do it right" then why waste time doing it at all? I am the one who minimizes myself to make people happy to the point of enmeshment. I have a habit of picking guys who are emotionally immature (I guess it feels like home). I am working on healing that, creating boundaries and many other things. He won't change but that is no longer my problem. Thank you Anna ❤
I can so relate! My husband is the over-functioner and I’m the under-functioner. It wasn’t always like this. I’m a recovering alcoholic of 3 years. I was so depressed and malnourished mentally, physically, and emotionally from drinking myself to death (lots of underlining reasons for drinking) that by the time Covid rolled around.. I was grateful I was able to quit my job. I haven’t worked since and have become extremely stuck in a rut. I am not happy and I know my relationship is a mess!
Congrats on 3 years 👏👏🤗 We were very much alike. I drank quite a lot too as a result of my childhood. Depressed and malnourished as well. A car accident triggered an anuerism - then I got a tumor which caused brain damage. After my last seizure at work I have not worked. So I relate to your issue being stuck in a rut. It sux knowing I am not incapable but have limitations. I feel you and hope things get better for you. Sending Hugs, Love and Blessings. May peace rest upon you and keep you through this storm.
@@mindofthespirit1543 thank you so much for your touching and thoughtful response. I love your closing remarks ‘May peace rest upon you and keep you through this storm.’ I like that a lot. I wish the same for you. I also like how you said you know you’re not incapable but have limitations. That’s so true for many of us, isn’t it? I wish you wellness and healing on your journey! Car accidents, brain damage, and seizures don’t sound fun at all. Sending so much love. Peace be with you 🙏❤️
goes for friendships too...all relationships.
My empathy trapped me in a trauma bonded relationship with a covert narcissist. My care for him was in truth self abandonment. I never wanted to leave him but I had to break both our hearts and leave anyway. I had to choose myself to survive the madness. It doesn’t have to make sense before you know you have to leave… you just get away in a moment of clarity and even when you want to go back you dont. It’s very difficult. Remember: It’s not about how you feel about a person… it’s about how they (the relationship) makes you feel.
This lady single changing lives for the better. For me personally in the last month of listening to your videos on and off have pulled me out of a huge slump. I really cant believe the difference in me. I am taking care of myself, catching up on lots of important appointments ive been ignoring. Dentist, doctors, town hall stuff. Im pulling away healthily from my partner and getting my own shit done and not making him number 1 in my life. Which is actually working wonders. He is now making extra little efforts. I have ordered the book and i cant wait to work through it. And achieve even more life goals and inside satisfaction. You are the greatest channel on you tube. A real gem. 😘
I know I reached the bottom when I needed a bloody break fixing anyone....this is what happens when you work healthcare when you have your breakdown. I just cam't stop reviewing this....excellent.
If you want to change the other - change yourself.
SOmetimes I hear a voice in my head when things go wrong saying "How can I take this out on someone or blame them? I'm sure I can make someone feel like this is their fault..."
I may not respond... or react... but I hear it...
Both of my parents were violent alcoholics. I don't hate them anymore. They're gone. I'm 68 and thriving well in my own right after decades of struggling with mental health issues. Their lives were always important. Not mine as the fifth child of six. I got attention for wanting to do things for them. It took me many years to realize that my life had meaning in and of itself - separate from my family entanglements and separate from feeling compelled to always wait on others in the hopes of being loved. I'm not all the way healed but have consistently done inner work that has brought me much closer to loving myself. Thank you Anna for all that you do. You help thousands of people come to a place of validation for what they experienced, self-acceptance and self-love. Sounds cliche but it's actually a vitally important process for each one of us and our birthright. God bless you Anna and all of your viewers.
Thank you for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Could you do a video about how to live independently (mostly financially) from your parents when in a codependent relationship with them?
Edit: my therapist gives plain “you need to budget😌” advice and that doesn’t help me
Revelations to me to reconnect with my inner child and deepen the healing journey. Brilliant content and generosity! Huge Thank you! ❤
thank you. ı have been listener and helper all my life and ı am trying to change now.
Find a group that entertains you, like if you like to create cretain crafts find a group where you live or eventually will live (take yourself past the want to live), you enjoy playing a game or something? Join that group who knows you might meet someone who has common interest with you which is very helpful
I love your videos so much because I feel like I can relate to every single thought that comes out of your mouth but I gotta be honest when I say, it seems so complex that I feel hopeless that I can just function as a relaxed person in a relationship deeper than friendship. Ive almost taken on an observer role just to keep my love internal and protected from all this complexity. I'm not a genius by any means and I can't recall a lot of these understandings at times when they would be the most useful so I generally take the path of least resistance which is distancing myself emotionally but staying close enough to feel the warmth
I was actually considering entering into a relationship with an active alcoholic, despite being in ACA, Al-Anon and CODA. I was completely drawn to this man based solely on his what I perceived to be his rejection of me. Sick sick sick! There must have been enough awareness and program in me that it never progressed past a certain point but it’s amazing how I went into a type of codependent rationalization of how he was just misunderstood or needed my love and understanding. He was verbally abusive, completely inappropriate I could go on and on. In the end he ended up blocking me and I’m actually beyond grateful for that. He ended up saving me from myself, ironically enough.
I'm so glad you're here now :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Hmm..how do we differentiate between codependence and contributing/serving others in healthy way?
If it's healthy you don't feel angry or tortured by it.
Pack what cant be replaced put a few pairs of clothes of each weather situation. On top and say your taking it to donate someplace if you get caught leaving with a bag
This one resonates
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
The craziest relationship I ever witnessed was a couple who "used to date but now are just BEST friends"...the most co dependent, abusive nightmare I've ever witnessed. I might be wrong but if you introduce someone as your BEST friend and your older than 10 years old, there's some kind of baggage there...almost like that person is claiming the other as "mine".
Try to go easy on people. Many have no friends at all.
His dad sent him the books
I’m starting to face this but it’s super hard.
We're here to support you!
Nika@TeamFairy
I thought the 911 steel is in a hanger in Queens. At least that's what the articles say from a basic Google search.
3:30 role of the giver
the links aren’t working for me, they won’t open what to do?
Please contact our customer service team at hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com
Nika@TeamFairy
I'm actually relieved to observe that the work I have done for the last 20 years had as a result I don't relate anymore to half of the points that are mentionned here. I still have a blurry line over investing in projects and leading them. I'd rather follow than lead, and then I'm not happy with how people are leading.
Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.”
THIS IS ME!!!!! This is me... for so long I've spent my willpower and emotional fantasies thinking that if I could find the right person I'd be able to flourish into this role of success and sufficiency - and always felt like I'm projecting the reasons for my success onto those people, telling myself that their imperfections are making me feel like I can't heal or create... I ALWAYS feel like theres someone in my life that is missing my advice and my advice only, and I flourish in relationships where people need me - but in reflection I constantly feel drained by other peoples need for my support......! I know on a very surface level that these co dependencies are stopping me from truly growing and I've kind of remained abstinent for a long period to try and work on that shadow but the second a woman gives me attention I fall back into the pattern of believing that maybe this is the relationship that turns me into the person I truly want to be... Will I ever be able to be that person myself? Like with my own sense of will? Who am I asking....?
Tou are asking your SELF.
Your relationship videos have been spot on for me the last few months. Thanks for these longer compilations; they help me to snap out of it when the withdrawal feelings of leaving a bad situation kick in.
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
This is me. 😫 I've known this for some time. It’s never been broken down this articulately before. I’ve healed from much and better, but much here that is still me.
17min….’reality will help you get to know your own mind & heart’…..wow! That sounds excellent…..joy & relationships where people care about you🎉….good stuff, ty Anna🌸
Your video hits me in the midst of my slip back into codependency. A very painful reminder for me today. Feeling so ashamed at the moment. Yes I signed onto this moment in time and doing the work to make it right for myself.
Hope you can find some room to be kind to yourself in the midst of this. You've made progress and none of us do things perfectly.
You're in the right place and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Would joining a CODA meeting help?
@@indianocean7271 I live in rural America. I do attend Alanon meetings . I would love if there were a Coda meeting within reasonable travel distance from where I live .
What is the difference between codependent & trauma abandonment attatchment??
I am the latter but have some symptoms of Codependency 😢
I wouldn't worry too much about labels. Focus on the symptoms you recognize in yourself, and work to heal them.
@CrappyChildhoodFairy OK Thankyou....🙏🙏
Unfortunately, very literally its all me. Finally got enough guts to walk away and leqve behind a long time marriage. 4kids took it very hard. Now im foxusing on working on myself and wokr on ebing aware of the desire to "fix , help " my current partner.
Thank you for this one, especially!
We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
You are a miracle to my ears. It's embarrassing the counselors I've had. No one compares to your teaching. Thank you very much😊
Wow, thank you!
I second guess myself a lot...
I had a mother like that. She followed me around the house. Constantly hoovered over me. And, a father who was physically abusive and emotionally distant.
I'm sorry to say that I cut them off 18 years ago. I did not keep in touch with any relatives because they were all on their side. What I did was and is frowned upon. Being Asian makes things worse because it's culturally unacceptable to cut off one's parents. This is something I can't openly talk about because I will definitely get ostracized.
I was in therapy for 10 years and am on antidepressants. I'm doing better without them but I still have a lot of healing to do. I did struggle with codependency when I was younger. But, I no longer feel the need to be the one to fix someone else's problems.
Good for you! I can't even imagine how frustrating the added angle of cultural expectations must have made all of that. Really proud of you, internet stranger 👍
You and me both. It is quite depressing for sure but it’s better to not around people who let you feel like crap
@@OuchingTigerLimpingDragonJust an internet stranger reaching out to compliment your creative screen name -- well done 👏🏻
@@dianeatpeace337 Thank you, fellow internet stranger! It's nice to be appreciated ^-^
Revelations to me to reconnect with my inner child and deepen the healing journey. Brilliant content and generosity! Huge Thank you! ❤
There are two types of people in my dysfunctional family: those who put themselves first and those who put others first.
It's a perfect breeding ground for narcissists and codependents.
In my family, the world revolved around my alcoholic father and my Golden Child older sister.
They were entitled to have hobbies, get angry, have expectations, make demands.
My mother, brother and I were expected to put them first, hobbies were selfish, we weren't allowed to have emotions, we weren't allowed to have expectations, wants, hopes, dreams.
Our job was to meet their demands.
It's tough to break out of this lifelong training. Especially when you are still in close contact with the very family who trained you.
Codependent helpers as Christian who wants to help. Blurred lines.
I don't know what happened to the other comment. I saw a response but the comment is gone. There is definitely too much of this in the church. Paul warned us it would happen - I think there is a serious lack of daily reading and too much worldly compromise. 😊
@@mindofthespirit1543 I believe many are hiding behind Christ, vs following Him. A lot of power tripping. And I am a practicing christian, so mot bashing. I've had a lot of spiritual abuse and arrogant delusional 'advice' from within the church.
Yes, Jesus warned of the tares among the wheat. And there are far too many tares. It is damaging to the body of Christ and the nonbelievers are watching. It sure gives the Faith a negative image. God bless.
My friend is codependent with her husband, who has ASD and has verbally abused her for 40 years. She has wanted to leave him but said that she “senses” that God doesn’t want her to so she stays even though she is unhappy and no longer loves him. She is using God as an excuse to stay.
Wish i started researching these things before my fiance left me. 😢.
How to heal 😊
dynamite.. chock full of dynamite. Thank you. This happened with a girl friend (vs boyfriend/dating mate/lover....but it felt like that). You are a truly a gift from God, doing His work. Period.
😍 omg this video among the rest of your talks/videos is wonderfully enriching me today!!!
Great! Thanks for sharing!
Nika@TeamFairy
Bravo! Absolutely Brilliant...
Gratitude and Appreciation 🙂
wow, your sympathy for codependent people who are usually children of alcoholics is astounding.
unfollow maybe you should actually read some psychology on the matter
I've been a live-in caregiver for my father in his final years. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done, and he wasn't abusive, even with dementia. We didn't have a perfect history - I was emotionally neglected during my teen years after a family tragedy, and as a result, I have deep wounds. But, we were well enough situated and there was a fairly predictable limited time for his lifespan, that I was able to meet my own expectations, even through the pandemic and the untimely death of my sister. I had family and hospice and other supports to get us through. It's easily the highest mountain I've ever climbed.
This woman who can't remove herself from her abusive parents is in for a long life of hell if she doesn't separate from them. She needs to know that they will survive without her and it may not be pretty. But, it's the life they've made for themselves. Just because it's family doesn't mean she should take abuse until they die. Truthfully, it may kill her before that.
I heard that the advice if a friend is in a cult and won't leave, maybe doesn't see it as a cult, that the best thing to do it stay in contact. Don't say 'leave' because it will drive them to defend the cult and argue with you. Just be a great friendly warm accepting person in their life and one day, if they have an epiphany and want to escape, they will feel able to phone you because you've been 'for them not against them' and because you won't say 'I told you so' or shame them 'finally you muppet!' I see leaving my controlling, enraged and undermining parents as like leaving a cult. I'm still recovering the mindset side of it. For about 10 years inside my head I defended them - well they paid for ballet lessons, I was middle class, they can't be bad they paid for piano lessons, Guides etc, but of course I wasn't allowed to have mental autonomy, or argue back even if falsely accuse, I was regularly gaslit, riddled with self doubt, confused, my mum's bottom line was 'you do not get to say no to me' so I felt unsafe and was used as an emotional punchbag, shamed. I have left and as Anna says, it is just the first tiny step in a massive recovery journey.
I think the last letter person should go to the police for what he did and threatened to her. Only that might bring a little bit of closure to this terrible situation.
What is CPSCD?
Your delivery needs to slow down and pause more between thoughts. It can be supper bombarding to pile on thoughts on top of one another without break.
6:55 is an example.
Why not use the UA-cam speed control setting.
🥹
Get to know people not bad thing friendship is what you need to get through this counselor would help you
I wish so badly I had seen this video when I was still living at my parents house. My mom is very similar to hers, no understanding of boundaries.. I have barely ever been successfully tactful with her. but I'm learning how slowly. Because of both my parents I have draining codependent tendencies that sneak up on me. It is so hard to recognize when I'm doing it but my therapist is helping me ❤️
Whew these videos are cutting deep yet it’s unraveling everything that just was once so confusing for me. I didn’t even understand myself and why I allowed all of the evil things people have done to me. It still hurts but I also can see the light at the end of the tunnel now…
So this is what Jane Austen was talking about when she wrote Emma. May as well be subtitled 'A Codependent Redemption Story"
But yes heal first get help 💪 you got this!
Where do you get these women , ! I only know ' hustlers and coldness n gold diggers.
You are amazing ❤
So are you :)
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy 🙏🏻❤️
🧭 all of this I needed to hear.
🙌
😢
I needed this right now
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you so much 💗👑 not going to ramble but your pearls of wisdom are what I want running through my brain AAF, not the other 🗑️
Dear Anna,
Thank you for guiding us with all these videos. It’s been over a few years since I first started watching your videos, though, this is the first time for me to leave a comment.
I’m 52 yrs old, Japanese female. I used to take treatment for CPTSD and dissociative personality disorder caused by childhood trauma and sexual abuses.
❨I was raised by an aggressive and Narcissistic father and a deeply depressed and emotionally unavailable mother.)
Through my healing journey over the last 2 decades, I thought I was getting recoveted. I haven't taken any medications or haven't seen doctors for over 15 years now. I thought I was getting better.
But now.. .listening to how you describe the Codependent....
I must admit that I am THAT Codependent, exactly how you explained in this video and my life has been quite shakey all these years and I am still ❨and again）in a miserable relationship with unavailable man (who is married, awfully self-centered and also codependent).
I knew I have a tendency to be codependent but never knew that I have not only the tendency but I WAS THE ONE and THAT’S HOW I have been operating my life, and that is why I have problems in my life.
It was so hard to listen to how THE CODEPENDENT and what the life of those are described.
I have been trying to recover and build a stable life all by myself, but listening to your video, I thought I may need a help from professionals.
Anyways...
Thank you for helping us, Anna. 🙏
May you continue to find the strength, focus and energy for your healing, to fill your life with the abundance you deserve.
Take one thing at a time,and pls give yourself a big high five for how far you've come. Finding out a pattern you've unconsciously operated in,can be very hard and heavy..so pls give yourself some grace,compassion and breathing space..Co dependency is a relational attachment trait not your identity. You've got this!❤
@@YewandeOlupitan Thank you so much for your kind words!
I’ll keep on trying.