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My marriage of 40+ years is still as strong today as it was the first day I met her. She was very understanding as her upbringing was balanced, more love than anything else, whereas mine was violence from the age of four. I left home at 14 to live on the streets and at 16 I met my wife as she walked by and dropped some change into my cup. I thanked her and asked her if she would care to grab a bite to eat, amazingly she accepted, this was during the mid 70's where homeless people were classed as beggars, therefore shunned most of the time. We talked and laughed and as she got to know me, she liked me. Several weeks later she brought me some clean clothes and asked me if I wanted to go see a movie, I eagerly accepted and popped into the public washroom and got changed. We really hit it off as she finally realised that because I was homeless I wasn't a loss, as I kept on making her laugh and eventually I ended up living with her family for a few years before we tied the knot and got our own place. She has always been there for me as I for her and I will never forget the kindness she showed a stranger that cold November morning.
Wow what an amazing story. It sounds like a fairy tale. I'm not saying the author is not telling the truth. It's the stuff of dreams . God blessed this man hugely. I hope he remembers to say thank you to Him 💖
Wow...what happened next? :) :) did you manage to get a job? Did you have children? What helped you keep the spark? After this story I want to know everything 😂
@@tirtunemdouq I went from job to job as the one thing I could not stand was being told what to do, even though it would have been good advice, all I saw was my father in them and it had me jumping into one job and out into another and so on. We had a son who is now in his late thirties and has a good steady job and girlfriend :) Spark? Well, I guess you have to look at your position in life and be thankful that you have your health and a partner who feels the same way as you do. I am blessed to have a wife as loving and devoted as she is, but I am also devoted to her in that I will do whatever is asked of me without complaint. Of course we've had a few problems like any couple who live long lives together. One such problem was the death of our second son who was born prematurely and died 11 hours later. If we had not been dedicated to one another as much as we are, our marriage could have ended. A tragedy such as losing a child damages relationships to the point where one or both decide to part ways, as they each remind one another of their loss.
I had really bad relationships until I was 35, attracted by my childhood trauma. After years in theraphy I met my husband, and he’s NOTHING like ”my old type”. He’s kind, thoughtful, honest. He does what he says and says what he means. I dumped him after a few weeks, so scared of the unfamiliar feelings he stirred. We didn’t have the highs and lows, the superdramatic pattern I associated with love. Then I changed my mind, painfully aware of WHY I got scared, and thankfully, he was still there. That’s almost 3 years ago 💞. You can learn to love and be loved by someone that’s good to you, and for you. I don’t miss the drama at all now, but I had to make a concious decision to learn new ways of love.
A good partner… someone who is always there for you, listens to you, makes you their priority, know you can rely on them, your best friend and partner through good and rough times, one you can laugh with, one you can TRUST!!!!!!!!!
i feel that self-aware cptsd survivors often don’t want kids. we didn’t have great childhoods and i think we’d hate the possibility of having our kids relive that because of us, or maybe we just don’t think we’re loving or nurturing enough to be good parents. it sucks to see other people, though, that do want kids but are blind to their shortcomings that will impact their parenting. i wish that people like that would pay more attention to the huge toll that we have as caretakers on prospective children and that we should be more selfless in our desire to have children. having children not because we want to give love to someone, or feel loved, or because that’s what everyone else is doing, but because we want to truly nurture and guide people along the path of life. bring THEM happiness, not us.
I agree with your statement about how cptsd survivors who are self aware don't want children. For me, basically I'm trying to regain the years I lost in a dysfunctional family. I'm still not there yet due to further setbacks in life. So there's no room for kids. Is resent the hell out of them for taking my energy and time and money! I probably can keep plants and maybe a cat or two. That's the 5 year plan. Now it makes sense. I thought there was something wrong with me as a woman. There isn't. I just have cptsd and a lost childhood
Careful most are raised to be narcissistic.. Make children happy?? The world does not revolve around them... They only suffer later when everyone else doesn't treat them like little Gods.... Ridiculous your needy.
@@alejandrabonita8355Parents need to model good emotional self-regulation (ie resiliency). By teaching kids how to handle setbacks, the kids are more likely to be overall happy-- which helps them to achieve their goals and get along with others. Narcissistic parents can't do this. I think that's what kaeyaslut meant-- to put the kids' needs first-- since the kids didn't ask to be born, and parents choose to have them.
Our brain is changed by trauma. By a chaotic or abusive childhood or abusuve relationships. That is what feels normal. So when you're in a peaceful loving relationship it feels like something is very wrong. It messes with your intuition. So we leave and go back to awful relationships because our brain interprets this as normal. Can we talk more about not sabotaging good relationships and recognizing good relationships please?
what I've come to realise is that bad relationships don't feel ok because they feel good, they feel ok because they confirm all of my fears. If you're hypervigilant, and constantly looking for signs that someone will abandon you, it actually feels more uncomfortable if they don't, than if they did abandon or threaten to abandon you because then you can go, ok, yeah, there it is. We all feel more comfortable when things are predictable. If we expect bad things to happen and bad things happen, we feel ok. If we expect good things to happen and good things happen, we feel ok. The key is to change our expectations. This is hard. It starts with not exposing oneself to too much disappointment, at least for me. So once someone has proven themselves to be unreliable, I detach, and move towards people who are consistent. So that I don't have that constant expectation that I will be disappointed being reinforced by, being disappointed. We were trained to think this way through experience, so it is experience that will train us out of it. So that would be my advice, remove everybody from your life that is not dependable. If you have any emotional attachment to them whatsover, they must be dependable. They cannot be unsafe.
If they are still living in their parents garage, she is right to not feel ready nor want children yet. Meaning: children are expensive and they will need more financial stability (which will contribute to feeling more confident or capable of providing for the children) She should trust her intuition
@@thomasredmond4138 Please don't give this advice especially to someone who is reasonably questioning such a monumental decision. Children are expensive in all aspects. Financially, emotionally, psychologically, time wise and attention wise. They are a huge deal and rightfully so. Not everyone should, can or has any good reason to have an entire human dependent on them potentially for decades. Daycare alone can cost as much as rent in many areas and in just as many faaar more. ONLY daycare. What if the child has health problems? That would sink a college fund AND an emergency fund in one go in the US. They are not cheap. And rightfully so.
@@Akemaste If you want your child to be damaged send them to daycare young. The lack of awareness in people is astonishing. The mother needs to be around the child full time in their formative years.. Look around you so many messed up people and its down to throwing children into daycares or awful schools and not being there. All by design can't have a strong/aware populace.
Speaking out of my own experience as a man, I would like to pick up on that household chores conflict. I definitely changed in that regard when I started caring for my inner child. The little boy inside me needed a strong emotional foundation to create space for the real adult transformation. But many men cling to their inner child and avoid caring for themselves and their surroundings. This looks as being lazy, but is a alarm bell for childhood trauma and a separation between self and reality. So I think it is kinda dysfunctional as a partner to "support" these bonding mechanisms (like in 27:00) by brushing them away comparing chores to other household features like "bringing home money" or "stabilty". It is great to see the greater picture, but for me it is incredibly important to even things out as good as possible and to show that you try to do your part - especially when caring for yourself, as this is only healthy. Disclaimer: I may be projecting on this right now, but I thought about leaving it here anyways. May it help anyone
So in my situation, I have to come to terms with the workforce. My mother enslaved me to my very evil intentioned brother. This was simply because neither my father nor my mother were doing their respective jobs with me. There were five of us. The last two - my sister and myself- were neglected. Not only were we neglected but we were made to service the three older siblings. So when I married, my wife took up the economic part of the household duties while I stayed home with the children. This was a survival tactic on my part. But it also served for learning what happened to me as a child because my hands on experience with my own children was based in love and protection. When I learned that I didn't get the love and protection that I gave to my children, I was able to clearly see my mental illness for what it was
Wow, thanks for the insightful comment. While reading it, also as a man, I recognized myself in the situation you just described. I have no problem in doing chores and household duties when it's about other people's homes, but when it comes to my own where I live by myself, it's much much easier to just let things fall apart. The parallel you draw there, being a self-care thing, struck a cord, as I have been infamous during my life for just... Not doing it XD And in fact quite the opposite. I'm gonna take into careful consideration your argument about being a clinginess to the inner child.
I know it's been 7 months but thank you for what you said. You opened my eyes! I never thought about it that way. I will talk with my partner about it so really thank you because you decide to drop a comment here!!
Agree that the chores issue should NOT be classed as "normal." Just because our society gives men a pass on this one doesn't mean it isn't important. It's not ok or mature to make the woman do it all. Domestic stress on women is largely ignored and is mentally and physically harmful to our health.
This woman in the story is simply a miracle of a survivor. Most people who have this kind of childhood most often end up dead, addicted, jail and so on. Life finds a way
@@SkyeAten I wish I’d learned it earlier than 62 ~ I always ‘knew’ but would push it away for various reasons and will always regret those lost decades ~
I wish I would have listened to my intuition. My life is so hard now because I chose the wrong ( easier, less scary) thing to do. My instincts were screaming at me to do the right thing but I didn't. Instincts, when you are calm is the right thing. The radar can be off especially when you are young but if you feel calm when interpreting situations it is right and you definitely should listen.
But look at the letter writer. She may possibly be in a pretty good healthy relationship but her gut is telling her to run just to avoid potential abandonment trauma... it's not always good to trust our "uncomfortable" feelings outright, analysis and discernment is very necessary in every case
I've been in dangerous and terrifying situations: because I didn't listen to my gut. People have gotten my trust in the past, and they sure weren't who they said they were. I understand the confusion of thinking you're second guessing yourself about a relationship, or other situations. I've learned that the second guessing came from narcissistic abuse.
That's not true. Healthy partners want the "Unhealthy" partner to apply effort and to try just as the Healthy partners do. We seek balance and equality on that scale. If you put in the work, just as we do, we recognize that and it gives us peace of mind knowing that were not being ignored and blocked out.
My background and history are different from the writer’s but my wounds, fears, and coping mechanisms are very similar. I recognize myself so much in her debilitating inability to figure out what is true and what is trauma, what she wants and what she may be sabotaging, trying so hard to listen to herself yet doubting her thoughts and emotions at every turn, trying to see and weigh all perspectives at all times and going nowhere for fear of taking a wrong step. She sounds so self aware and willing to learn yet so lost at the same time and I empathize a lot with that feeling.
Same. I dont identify with her childhood experience of alcoholism, my circumstances werent quite the same. But my coping mechanisms are to the T well-described...
At ten years old, I knew I'd never get married, or have a loving relationship, because it just wasn't worth it, to me. Even at ten years old, nobody was interested in being close to me, so I decided that I would be my own best friend, and concentrate on getting to know me. After having many, many adult roommates, living alone is paradise. I am 70 years old, now, and very grateful and yes, I will say, happy. Loneliness is icing on the cake compared to being in a bad relationship. I have never thought that I HAD to love "that special one", or if it was even possible. I was always very independent, and saw relationships with men completely unnecessary. joke: my therapist and I have a great relationship. If there was a way you could only be married on the weekends, that's my idea of a good relationships. Thanks, Anna, for all you do.
I have cptsd but remember having SO many nice boyfriends when I was younger, so much so that my childhood sweetheart found me 30 years later. He loves me so much but I keep pushing him away but don't know why. Somebody said I'm afraid to be happy. I believe I'm afraid it'll end because when I was happy before when it ended, it hurt really bad.
Interestingly I also have cptsd and I had zero guys pursuing me ever. Not even the bad ones would stick for more than a week. I was actually very sweet and willing to have a relationship but nobody wanted me.
I hate that people start with the idea that happiness is the goal. Happiness has its place, as a by-product of someone achieving the goals they set for themselves. What makes me happy is going to make someone else not happy. instead I've found that reaching goals leads to happiness. this is not a new idea. it's marketed as the key to a happy life is to make yourself happy. you lose if that's your starting point and the hucksters that sold you the book walk away with your money. ask a drug addict if he's happy, he'll likely say only when he's high. the rest of his life is in shambles. but he's happy when he's high.
What you said is the definition of fear of being happy. I was sitting one day writing things I wanted to release, as I was writing the thought of fear of being happy came to mind and I just started sobbing. I finished the list and set it a fire. That epiphany set me free and led to lots of situations that I pushed away due to the fear of being happy. Your allowed to be happy and just be the past did things to steal your happiness, doesn’t mean a man that has stuck around this long will do the same.
I guess it might be useful to remember why you split up the first time ? I am not a fan of going back because usually you split for a reason but if you feel like you have grown and you want to be together then talk to someone to work through the fear xx
Don't have kids with the guy if you're not sure and if he doesn't pull his weight around the house. Don't do it just because you don't want to "deprive" him of children. I think there's a lot of wisdom here from the crappy childhood fairy but I really don't think she should be telling you how you feel - that you love him - if you don't feel able to say that. Or that you should be talking his love language if he doesn't talk yours. Even if he does tell you you're great, words are cheap. I also don't buy it that it's OK for a husband to not do chores if he brings in an income.
There's give and take in a relationship which should be negotiated... if he's behaving in a traditional manner and bringing in the income or the majority of it then it's ok to take care of the kids and do most (not all) housework... staying at home. If it's equal income, then it should be equal chores (based on how heavy the job and time consuming). Everything is negotiable between 2 loving adults 😊
100%. Its especially important to help around house when kids are born. It will kill any love btw you two if you give him kids and he expects you to be the housemaid. You will hate him.
@@noone-yx3fl it wasnt her intention but unfortunately thats what she would be doing. Setting. Id say move out and gain her i dependence while working on her personal issues.
Exactly. Because if he was single, he'd have to take out food or hire a cleaner, if he chose he couldn't do all the chores himself. We all do. We live as best we can
I don't care how "common" dope smoking is said to be these days, if something is below your class of standards or you are not comfortable with, pick better guys/folks to have around. There are plenty of men that do not require being "slowed up" to get through life. Standards, ladies-uphold them.
I really like how you addressed the housework stuff! I'd love to see a video from you about this. For me, I was the "Cinderella" of the family (if that makes sense?), and parentified from an early age, expected to do most of the housework, etc. So I fell into relationships with men who were more like children I had to take care of, because it was familiar. But then, I'd end up resentful for doing all the work! So through hard experience - and learning from same-sex couples! - I've come up with these ways to avoid that: 1. Select for partners who already have a clean house on their own. If I go to their house and it's dirty, that's a nope. 2. Don't start out cleaning up after them. If they cook for me, I'll volunteer to do the dishes, and I watch to see that they do the same (I've learned that this is the "normal" rule). I don't pick up after them. I make it clear with my words and actions that I'm not trying to be anyone's mom. 3. Before moving in together, I make sure we have a clear, straightforward discussion about finances and housework. And I stick to it. Of course, if one of us is sick or dealing with other life issues, I'd expect the other to pick up the slack. But I will not go into living together without being very clear about this. In some ways, it might seem like I'm being a really selfish b-word. Maybe that's just my inner critic, or the voices of entitled man-boys I've internalized, but I own it. My current/potential bf responded to that with, "Expecting the bare minimum from a relationship isn't being a b-word!" Which makes me think he might have potential, lol. I could go on and on about embracing/reclaiming the inner critic, but that's another topic... :) Thank you SO MUCH for all you do, Anna!
Ooofff… Here’s what I heard: He’s laid back and not serious. He doesn’t help around the house. She feels like a caretaker. His love language is “words,” hers is “actions.” Sooo… he says things but no action? He wants kids but already doesn’t take care of things at home. “Out of it” drunk twice a year is not normal. And then a bonus eyebrow raise: Her parents don’t like him. That alone, not a big deal, but combined with the rest… I mean- yeah. It sounds like a pretty standard lazy husband marriage. I still have no idea what positive qualities she mentioned. He’s “patient” and says the words that he cares, even though he really knows her? I don’t see any other positive thing mentioned.
Right? How come I’m not seeing anyone mentioning the word codependents here? That’s not a good thing. They’re already living like they’re married so just when is it supposed to get better if it hasn’t already?
The crappy childhood fairy suggested alanon. This is the most effective way of addressing co-dependent issues among other character defects. Also, Healthy individuals with good boundaries do not tell people what to do regarding huge life decisions. To believe she knows what's best for another person's life is a covert narcissistic trait and a common characteristic of codependents. She stayed in her integrity and gently guided the writer to get support and to empower herself in order to make that choice while allowing compassion for her partner who seems to be just another human with baggage or gasp addiction (like most everyone if you consider addictions to phones, porn, control, work, food, ect) without making him a villain and her some kind of victim.
Staying because he “couches her trauma” is not the best advice. I enjoy this channel, but she needs to focus on healing, trusting her instincts and finding a more compatible and fulfilling partnership.
To me, actions speak louder than words. He can say whatever, he's not doing anything to help her. And why is she the only one getting help? He needs help, too. No one needs to get black out drunk, that's someone trying to forget something; there's trauma in his past, too.
She doesn’t love him. She’s not into him. She’s not attracted to him. She would like to shake him off. That is totally fine. There doesn’t even need to be anything wrong with him for it simply not to be a match or not to be the right time. She may not know who is a good match until she is out there independent living in her own place developing herself. Antidepressants will not make you fall in love with someone that you don’t want.
I agree, everything screams of her needing to break out and be independent. Travel and meet new people, experience other cultures, learn who she is when she's not in the shadow of her parents and her boyfriend. It is terrifying when you're contemplating it, especially when you have cPTSD but when you're young you should have this freedom and it doesn't sound like she's had a lot of that in her life.
I would agree with this. Why does she even need to be with someone? Sometimes being on your own for a decade will help with standing on ones own feet.I would get a Dog and be on my own in a long van before living with someone. I realize my views are not applicable to everyone and is not universal. Love the youtube channel. Different perspective.
I learned more about this man than about anything else in this video, and that SCREAMS wrong. It feels like there was no room for her to even BE in their relationship. Every word is about him. Every word is about what he thinks and what he does and what he is and what he isn't... None of this is about her. THAT is the problem.
This comment section is so healing. I can tell cuz I’m lowkey catching feelings for people that are so matter of fact healthy minded. That “attraction” is how you know my cptsd symptoms are showing
Hi guys, it's 'Mina'. Thought maybe you'd like an update and it would be helpful to me to get a few things off my chest. First thank you Anna for responding, although in retrospect I think probably I left far too much out in an attempt to be fair and not sound like I was throwing blame around for you to really give an accurate assessment. Now this relationship has ended and I'm feeling kind of drained and sad and empty but not completely horrible. Things had been slowly fizzling out for a long time until a mutual conclusion was reached recently, so there's no hurt feelings or doubt really. I mean, a few little 'what-ifs' running around in my brain but nothing that affects anything, we both knew it was the right decision. I see in the comments a lot of people picked up on the situation correctly and gave sound advice, so thanks everyone. I have to say, although my childhood sounds horrible in these sparse words, it wasn't all that bad until I was a teenager. I grew up in a small remote village in Iceland (I don't care if you know this, unlikely I'll ever meet any of you) with less than 100 people, and it was a lovely place and I had good people around me, but I think such environment can breed codependence. But I still love the place and go home regularly. Last summer I even intended to take a journalism job there and that's when I seriously started rethinking the relationship, he couldn't have moved there with me. Then the job fell through anyway unfortunately. I guess the final nail in the coffin came a little before christmas on a couple of occasions when he got drunk. He's always super honest when drunk, always making confessions. The first time he confessed that he had smoked pot behind my back several years earlier which he'd said explicitly he wouldn't do. The lying is more bothersome than the act. The second time he told me he sometimes felt so terrible he didn't want to live (he has a bunch of trauma too as you've rightly guessed), said he tried to get an appointment with a psychologist and was told there was a 2 year wait list! Which I think is deplorable. And then he proceeded to throw up all over the floor... So that was really the final straw. Didn't see the point of continuing since we were both so unhappy and he agreed. But I care about him and I don't particularly appreciate you labelling him a loser, yes, he was having a hard time finding work but not for the lack of trying, he just finished his education as a lawyer a little late in life and apparently there is a surplus of them on the market here in Iceland. A big thing that got left out was his autism, he has asperges which probably affected things more than I was aware of. He didn't actually tell be about it until a couple of years into the relationship and I didn't realize all the ways it manifested. So about my healing, I'm super wary of these 12 steps programs, firstly because talking in front of people gives me anxiety and secondly because of the faith component, I don't have that, so I don't know how that would work. I'm not at all a spiritual person. We don't have all those programs available here that you have in the US but we do have al-anon and CODA, but yeah, still avoiding that. I saw recently someone had translated The body keeps the score in Icelandic so I will try to find that. Otherwise, I go out in nature and that's probably the closest I can get to any sort of spirituality (it's just difficult right now because of the heavy snow) and I have friends that I can talk to if I feel like it. But I think I'll be ok since I'm not a total wreck at the moment.
Great to hear from you Mina! It bothered me too that a lot of commenters over-criticized your ex. They criticized me for suggesting giving things a chance. Your story sparked a lot of emotion here, probably because so many can relate to the dilemma of the sort-of good relationship. I'm glad the reality of his drinking became clear (and the autism element makes sense) and that the parting was not by fleeing, but by trying, considering, and feeling the truth of the situation. Good luck as you move forward! Oh, and P.S., 12-step does not require faith. It is suggested that one have "a power greater than yourself" and it sounds like nature might be that for you? Many people in 12-step have nature as their higher power. May still be worth a try for you. Can really help with attachment wounds, and as I recall, that was something you (like many of us) were struggling with a bit.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you, I will give it some further thought. I have a friend who regularly goes to CODA meetings, might get up the courage to tag along with her one of these times.
I wish you all the very best. Baby steps... I resonated with your story, although it is ( of course 😉) different. I too, am out of a relationship now, its been nearly 9 months, and recognise that I have to do my own inner work. Its not easy, but i'm determined, and will not shy away from it. Wishing you strength, peace, and perseverance in your journey. Best wishes 🙏🏼🫶🏻
Dear Mina, from the information given, to me it sounded more like a situationship. I felt that you need some time away from your family and the man, to heal and to build yourself. When you are ready for a relationship, it is best to choose someone consciously, someone who will both cherish you and provide stability.
A lapse in her mental growth. That hit so hard. That describes my mom. When she lost her dad she stopped growing mentally. I felt like I had to parent her and raise my brother.
I love your videos. However, I respectfully disagree. I think the writer definitely needs individual work to address her trauma BUT I think this writer is highly intuitive. I too have CPTSD AND I know that when I don’t trust my gut with romantic partners is when I get burned. Sometimes there is just something off and heterosexual women with CPTSD have an additional layer of navigating trauma and learning that just because a man wants you even if he is “nice” doesn’t mean he’s entitled to be with you. It’s something all women who date men must learn. In the case of him wanting children and she doesn’t and him thinking she’ll just change her mind that’s a values mix match. Again he might be a good guy just not her guy and that’s okay.
I agree, however I trusted my intuition when I met my husband and found myself in an abusive and controlling marriage. Despite intensive therapy, healing a lot of childhood and then relationship trauma and betrayal, my intuition could not protect me.
A man staying around because you will change your mind about having children is a major red flag. It shows he doesnt take you seriously for one reason or another. It also begs the question of what will happen if she goes on with her life and doesnt change her mind? Will he pressure her? Will he try to convince her? Or will he leave her years down the road? Children are not something you have out of compromise, youre setting yourself up for frustration, resentment and being unhappy. A couple I knew very superficially, the man ended up breaking off the engagement after 7 years of being together because it finally dawned on him, that this woman that has been for 7 years telling him she doesnt want to have children actually meant it and didnt change her mind. Dont stay with people that have different values and desires out of life out of the expectation they will change eventually. Its a recipe for problems.
Great video! It took me 13 yrs of relationship and 5 years of therapy to understand that all the abuse and abandonement I was subjected to in my childhood twisted my ideas about love, attachment and co-dependency. Having your own home away from your abusers is fundamental to recover.
I am a therapist and I just came across the video. Interesting and I agree with most of the advice but I wud think hard about the following .... 1. Alcohol and pot. If ur not ok , ur not ok. If under stress someone seeks this out, at times of future stress they may seek that out more! Are u OK with that? 2. If u don't hv the same love language it's important to be well versed in each other's love language too. I heard u say that she shud give him more words of assurance etc since he deserves that given that it's his love language. Similarly it would only be fair that he shows more in actions like work around the house etc or whatever is imp to her cos she deserves that too by the same logic. 3. Children .. huge area of consideration. Each one really assesses whether or not they want kids n here given that she is not big on it but he is she might be quite right in her thot that given that he dsnt do much around the house, he may not be a hands on dad with the kids . Then that falls entirely on her n it can be pretty overwhelming. The best advice I think was the last bit where they wait it our as maturity n hopefully clarity sets in about what they each want in the future and what they can expect n envision together. In the mean time each one heals themselves in the ways they best deem fit n yes couple counseling too.
Anna! It's Mother's Day here in Australia, and I just wanted to say happy mother's day to you! Even though I'm not much younger than you, you're like 'the mother we all wish we had had' to so many of us. You're wonderfully warm and perfectly firm and you just have the most beautiful manner 💗 You're a true blessing, and I'm glad you've managed to turn your Crappy Childhood in to something that benefits so many. Thank you for your Fairy magic 😘
Hello "Mina" Stick with your gut. You are right to not want to be around weed and alcohol. Weed is a mind-altering substance and alcohol is an intoxicant. I don't like it either. If I was in a situation where people were doing weed. I'd leave. People have a right to do it and I have a right to not be around it. Stick with your boundaries.
I agree. Learning about boundaries is key. It's about what we want in our lives. It doesn't have to be a judgement on the other person. I had a couple alcoholic boyfriends, which I didn't understand, not having been around alcohol or drugs growing up. When I realized I had been uncomfortable with all that, and found a new guy that I knew only had one drink maybe once a year on New Year's eve, and didn't finish it, I asked him to promise not to drink again because I didn't want it in my life. He lived up to that promise for over 30 years, and even told me when a friend tried to talk him into having one when I was out of town. After 30 years of marriage, I realized asking him to keep his promise was silly when our adult child drank and he couldn't try a wine with them. So, I released him from his promise 4 years ago. Since then, he has had maybe 3 sips of alcohol when offered a drink, did not finish the drinks, and refused a free margarita recently, even when I encouraged him to try it because he had never had one before. He, like me, always wants a clear brain to enjoy our real life. To me, the key issue with the guy mentioned here is the binge drinking. That is not healthy and can lead to health problems, dangerous situations, lack of judgement, and be costly. And, because it is a sign of using a drug to ease stress, it can also lead to alcoholism down the road. I would NOT stay with someone who continues to binge drink into their mid-twenties and after college.
I agree to stick with your guns of no weed or alcohol if it's something you really aren't comfortable with. I resonate with a lot if your PTSD issues. Stay strong.
@@lorimiller4301 No demons necessary. Chemicals in the body, genetics, social culture, family behaviors, and stress can fully account for any irresponsible or negative behavior related to substance use.
I'm not dating consciously for myself. Got over a year and a half under my belt. I'm focusing on my life, my needs, my joy, myself. I'm really starting to enjoy being free. Health is my number one priority right now. This might take some time to recover and heal fully but it's worth the time and energy.
I agree with two things from this video: get an own place away from parents and take up couples therapy. The young man described sounds dubious - but that's what couples therapy is for. Mina, you deserve the VERY best, because what seems to be the best option for abused children seems just normal for children with healthy parents. You gotta aim a tad higher to end up in an average good life situation, because you've been experiencing bad life for so long that it just looks normal to you.
I agree, this one raised SO many red flags for me: - "his assessment of me was correct" - "MY emotional meltdowns" - "if i let him.. HE could probably HELP me" - "maybe, as he says, i'm too uptight about it" I used to have "emotional meltdowns" over similar issues with my ex, and it reinforced the perception that my partner was a perfect being, while I was a woefully imperfect mess. And gradually, instead of addressing these problems and growing together - while also having a safe space to continue working on the deeper issues within myself - the RELATIONSHIP became another thing I needed to fix. Mina sounds articulate, thoughtful and self-aware, and isn't afraid to seek professional help for her issues. It also sounds like she defaults to self-doubt and self-blame when in conflict with someone she cares about. Even if she's not a pushover - i think people with cptsd and childhood trauma are at risk of getting steamrolled by intimate partners, especially through guilt and emotional manipulation. If words and affection are the only thing he provides, I can see why the relationship would feel "dull". Does he "contribute energy" in other meaningful ways as CCF describes? Do they go on dates? On holidays? Can they make future plans in a mutual and even fun way, or is it like the battle over household chores? I always knew to walk away from someone who hit me. But I never learned to walk away when they promise you the world then give you breadcrumbs. Instead, I learned to have low expectations from my crappy childhood environment, while simultaneously being taught to keep trying harder to make others in the same crappy situation happy. And I wonder if that's the issue here.
@@moarawkwarder that struck a nerve. "I learned to walk away if they hit me but not if they don't fulfill promises". Yes! My first love was amazing but he never lived up to the things he promised. Eventually I met my now boyfriend and he isn't going to even mention something he can't do. He does exactly what he says he's gonna do. It's been so nice. To not have the hope and disappointment cycle.
I so appreciate Nina’s honesty. She sounds like she is a fighter. I have no doubt she will find joy in her life. She sure is making the effort. I love your response. It is so kind and direct. Thank you!
Acknowledged my childhood trauma and desired motherhood so I prayed, sought and received wonderful help which I feel blessed and thankful for. I found that mothering my children the way I felt they deserved, and, I deserved as a child seemed to be a blessing for all of us.
when it comes to deciding on kids, getting a pet and ensuring you can recognize and stop and prevent any abusive behaviors that were taught to you as a child prior to having any human kids can be really useful. Occasionally I find myself yelling at my cat the same way my mother would yell at me and I refuse to have kids until I can stop that behavior, I had a good run but accidently did it again recently, but I've just started therapy last month so hopefully I can break through it. It sucks that my cat takes the brunt but at least I'm not messing up a child that will eventually become a human adult.
You may also like to try The Daily Practice. It is a good tool to help with getting regulated. You can learn it for free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
This letter shows great self awareness, hard work and a sense of humour (the abandoned collander!) These are all some of the best human qualities (although watch the hard work isn't exploited - use it for you and your loved ones) All my hope and support for your ongoing recovery and management.
Mina is such an introspective person and I loved her writing. Her thoughts and questions are just so thoughtful for a young person, it's very clear she's a resilient person through and through. As a clinician, I would love her as a patient because she's very committed to her healing. As for medications: it helps your feelings feel more bearable so if you're really having difficulty overall functioning, it can lift you out, but for the anxiety and fear triggered by attachment wounds --- I don't think it's really that effective just for these circumstances (again we don't know her mood outside of the relationship) and if another hard situation comes along, we can't just rely on it to not feel overwhelmed. However, most people with attachment wounds end up also end up not being able to regulate or understand their emotions very well because because they were modeled how to in a destructive way or weren't taught how to manage their emotions at all. I always recommend patients to learn skills and practices before or in addition to taking medications. Treat it as a tool, but not as the answer to our pain and suffering.
This video helped me so much. I grew up with an abusive mom, and I sometimes cannot distinguish between what’s healthy and what’s not. Thanks so much Anna for the work you’re doing, and thanks so much to the people who put themselves out there, writing these super personal letters and allowing them to be read out loud to the world. Thanks! 😁👍
Move far away from the parents renovated garage. Do this as soon as possible. Small apartment. Long commute. A less nice area would be all much healthier and give you breathing space. Day to day living is dull. Get into a new area. Don’t let chores be a breaking point. Also go elsewhere be a young couple. Only then can you have space. Then if you still feel strongly about no kids, then it could well be time to honestly say goodbye. You have time on your side. Meeting a good guy when you are young, this gives you a true choice about children.
I have a Nina kind of story. But am 51. I left the good man back then when I was 29. He is the father of my child who is now 26 (and is the best thing that ever happened to me). I regret the mistake of leaving my ex - due to my cptsd but luckily we always stayed family. We were each others big love. That’s comforting to see and feel - afterwards. I keep on struggling with relationships. Though learning. And growing. Love the channel. It helped me recognise the complicated intersections of many traumas at once… ✨🙏🏾
I had such a guy in my early 20s and I let it go because I thought there'd be plenty of that but I was in for a surprise. Absolutely problematic guys came my way after that. One after one abusive, unhealed, commitmentphobes, just sheer jerks with anger issues. I feel sorry I let the real one go. We are still in touch, he is married with a kid now and I am married too but I felt more respected and cared for when I was with him than I do with my husband. My husband is pretty great too but he is impatient and short tempered and doesn't have the patience of a saint like my ex did and I think of how I made the decision on breaking up a perfectly good relationship because I had issues in my own mind and later found out that I let a good thing go.
I can’t get the whole picture in one paragraph but do you feel happy with your husband? It sounds like you feel like you settled, I hope you can find peace your paragraph just seemed really sad. Please take care
@@joshcarlucci9712 Thank you for your good wishes! That's quite perceptive of you. I am not ok. We are kind of struggling and things may fall apart. That's why I was reminiscing and thinking how it would've been if I had made a better decision earlier. Thanks again for stopping by and commenting. Wish you a happy and peaceful life ahead.
So common. For me it was the guy that ghosted me and kept me at arms length until it was too late and I cracked. I was so in love with him and still am but he became cold and he didn’t fight for us and even when he wanted me back he had someone else tell me then just stood there saying nothing. I kept waiting for him to talk. He never did so I left. But we had something I never could explain sexually I just never felt before, we both have a lot of sensual emotions and energy and I didn’t know how much he suffered or imagined because again he ghosted me. We both miss each other I think but still ended up married to other people. Had we gotten help from our family we might have made it. I was also suffering in a church ministry mission at the time in the US being abused by a narcissist leader. 👻
@@wheathusk2499 it’s hard to be there I’m sure, but I recommend looking at your needs your wants and who you are now and want to be. A lot of times we feel lost in relationships because we feel like we’re losing ourselves. And that may be true, but it might help to see if he’s the one losing you or if you’re the one losing yourself. Or if that’s not what it is at all tackle it in the way you think will help best. But I really hope you can figure out what makes you both happy. Always put yourself first so you can be able to help others. I wish you the best
I'm 43 w PTSD. My parents sucked. I'm an overachiever but can't keep a relationship. I finally went to therapy to learn all this. Advice is to start, there are professionals out there to guide you in your thoughts. I know I have trust issues and issues feeling accepted and loved. I KNOW it's counter productive for me to be in a relationship until I heal myself and learn to love myself first. So I'm OK being alone even if some days are harder then others; I personnaly don't want to hurt anyone but I know in my past relationships that im a push puller. Healing is a process and it's not linear but decide to start.
Knowledge is power. Understanding is wisdom. This video is educational and is saving lives, figuratively and literally. Remember we can never control the choices, actions, and behaviors of other people. Never. So don't waste your energy thinking that you can. Instead, let them be who they are. In the words of Maya Angelou, "When people show you who they are believe them." (The biggest lie we are told is "Be with someone who makes you happy." The truth is, that happiness is something you create on your own. Be with someone who adds to it.-unknown)
Mina, you are a superhero and I agree with how Anna starts out in noting that you are a miracle. I offer a different perspective on your boyfriend and have a different viewpoint than Anna. Do you want to support your boyfriend financially? You are essentially providing his housing AND doing the housework. If he causes you to feel fear of abandonment, it is not good. When will he grow up and take initiative? Never? Is your relationship founded on sex and not actual love? Does he say he loves you because he is provided housing and housekeeping? What are his goals in life and how is he going to get there? Mina, you are right in identifying that his drinking and smoking pot is not acceptable. In some people, it might be ok, but your instincts about substance use by your boyfriend are accurate - it sounds like he needs to demonstrate more conviction in his life in order to not get much worse in the area of substance use. Do you want a man and a solid husband or a boy that you provide for? I agree with Anna - move out of your parents’ properties completely. Enjoy some time to yourself. realize how self reliant you are to let your boyfriend decide what he wants to do to get himself together as a man. You just do not need to settle for being in a relationship that causes you fear of abandonment where a boy is not being a partner and a contributor to life.
This really moved me. Wise Fairy, thank you for your compassionate and wise read on this couple. You rock! I chose not to have a partner and not to have children and I know it's 99% rooted in CPTSD and being in a traumatizing relationship with an abusive borderline man on and off during the last years of adolescence and the first years of my adult life. In hindsight, it would have been very healthy for me to take the leap and give a relationship with other (healthy) men a chance. Now at 59, I'm maturing into it but still scared and feel like running the other way, keeping interested guys far away from me. I'm terrified that my discernment is out of order when it comes to men. This video stirred up some raw stuff that I've hidden under the carpet for too long. I do wish that I had mustered up the courage to "do" a relationship earlier, if not for life-long commitment then for the practice of relating and for the gift of being mirrored, and not least, to be loved and to love. Well, it's never too late to let myself ditch the control and let love enter my life. I'm willing and I really do hope I'm able. I have enjoyed being single but I know my life could have been richer and more fulfilling with a loving partner. I've worked so much on healing the issues of the past. It's time to reap, it's time to live. To the young woman in the letter, I'm glad you dared to be in a relationship and I wish you great healing and a life according to your soul's desires!
I really hope you’ll risk it! It’s AMAZING to fully love, and crazy amazing to feel loved in return! No matter what, you can experience one of these, if not both! I hope you’ll find both.
Thank you so much for this video. I have CPTSD (abandonment issues) and I’m in a relationship with a great guy. This video helps me to see that we love each other so much and I need therapy so that I can not only be a better partner to him but a better person. ❤️
Absolutely not to having kids with him. Girl, you WILL find yourself regretting and will leave either emotionally, but stay unhappily physically or leave altogether physically. Your story sounds soooo much like mine, minus orphanage and adoption, mine was physical and mental abuse by father and he also abused my mother who couldn't protect me. I was retraumatized over and over throughout my life, but won't get into except that I have very similar expression as you. I've been with my husband for 15 years now and we have 2 kids. Your relationship story sounds alot like mine down to free spirited, laissez-faire, pot smoking (I only recently became okay with it myself. I was VERY anti drugs too) man who also had heavy drinking problems until I gave him ultimatum right before we got married, but who is kind and patient man who I loves me. And he was also my first and only in all regards as i did NOT want to date. Though he did cheat once, but came back even though I told him he can go be with her. I went through alot in this relationship. What I DID learn is that a man who does not lift his weight around, who is not driven (meaning ya'll will CONTINUE to stay at your parents house. He is clearly confortable af there, if he wasnt TRUST me he would have figured and moved you guys out by now ), who says one thing and does another (action love language fan here too), backs out of plans, backtracks and changes his mind alot (I don't know if yours does that too) is NOT a suitable long term partner or a parent. If you have kids with him, they WILL be on you, he WILL drink and smoke even more bc he clearly does not know what having kids means or the amount of demand and responsibility they require. Even one. My husband began to heavily smoke pot(behind my back) after our kids were born. Coincidence? Nope. Kids are ALOT of work and you are ABSOLUTELY right in worrying about messing them up. I live with mommy guilt EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Bc I only began to recognize any and all my issues AFTER I had them. It SUCKS being a cptsd parent who realized how f*cked up she is and who sees how she is already messed up her kids. Save yourself from that. I beg of you. Live your life. Heal. ENJOY IT! Guilt f*cking free. I wish you all the best in the world. Absolutely the best. You deserve so much love and care. I'm crying. 😭😭😭😭😭
I needed to hear this. I can not relate to the relationship issues in the sense that I am 24 and single, but somehow, I needed to see this. Thank you. For what it's worth, you sound like a loving and introspective person who wants to better herself, which are all ingredients to a great mom. I wish my problematic parent, who in turn was traumatized by his parents, had a wake-up moment like yours before I became an adult. Much love to you and your family 💗
I found you on UA-cam a couple weeks ago and am blown away by your calm reflections and insights, and by your ability to get to the core of issues. Thank you for what you bring to us x
I am in the same situation right now. My boyfriend of four months is out of town right now; a week before he went away we had a near break-up experience. We had a really wonderful few days before he left, but now that he's gone, I realize how minuscule our problems have generally been, given how difficult a partner my CPTSD makes me. This video makes me want to do "attitude of gratitude" exercises every day until he gets back, and sit him down when he does and tell him how grateful I am to have found him.
I personally draw a hard line when it comes to alcohol and drugs including cannabis. I’m in SoCal so it’s very common. It does limit your pool somewhat but its such a major every day lifestyle choice. I find it a lot easier to selectively limit the pool this way and the men who I do meet who follow the same lifestyle are just different. They’re generally confident, health conscious, mentally strong, and more enlightened. That’s just been my experience but I have had far better dating experiences since I made this a deal breaker. Thanks for these videos I’m learning so much from you all!!❤️
Agree wholeheartedly! I'm in the same boat, but I am comfortable being alone instead of compromising on something like that. I'll bend on a lot, but neither of those are acceptable for me and what I want.
I had a terrible childhood but I learned how to identify a healthy relationship through my escapism in books. I spent most of my life reading teen fiction, which is full of wonderful star-crossed lovers. I found my soulmate in high school, and we've been together ever since.
Thank you for these. I have struggled all my life with the ugly divorce of my parents when I was 4. Relationship troubles still plague my life at 58. You are a great help.
Stop right there. As soon as she said “we couldn’t afford to live together” I know he’s not all that involved. They are only together because it’s somewhat convenient. I had a horrific childhood and I have a WONDERFUL marriage of 23 years. You deserve more.
To the letter writer: you my dear are incredible. You’ve worked on yourself to get a basic understanding of what makes you tick. How few 20 year olds are that bright that they have sought to figure out and fix their own problems? As far as being bored I too almost let go of a budding relationship because it just didn’t feel‘right’. I had to really do some soul searching and realize that feeling was because I was so used to chaos from my childhood and my first marriage a normal, calm relationship felt like I was missing something. Once I realized I was about to sabotage a healthy relationship because I was ‘bored’ I understood it wasn’t so much my new relationship as it was finding comfort in old patterns of fighting and being manipulated. About that housework thing. We women have a really bad habit of expecting men to be mind readers. Then when they failed to run the vacuum cleaner or clean the tub we get all pissy because he should have known. The important question is if you ask for help does he give it? And when you ask him to do something is he purposely sabotaging his work or does he do his best? Keep in mind not everyone knows how to clean properly. And last, who would make a better mother than you? You are introspective, you are willing to learn and you wrote how you share responsibility for an emotional outcome. You will be a wonderful mother. Whether you want children is your own decision of course but it shouldn’t be a decision based on your thinking you wouldn’t be a good mother. 🥰
I loved this comment!!!! You touched on all her positive aspects of being introspective but still point out how not everyone is going to meet up to our standards even if it’s something small like cleaning that Can feel huge... but best of All i feel her questioning herself as a mother is not needed and you said it perfectly... I feel like she has high standards and lives a good lifestyle as well as he does when dealing with her, she even looks up to her boyfriends positive traits so I feel like they’d make good parents.
I have been very fortunate to have grown up with my wife of 36 years. My child hood home was one of both mental and physical abuse from a alcoholic father. At the best of times dysfunctional my wife was naber that gave me a safe place to run and hide. She has always been my friend and saving angel.
I had really unhealthy remationships until 2015 aged 39 - I wish I would of met him sooner or sometimes at a different time when my trauma has healed . Spent my childhood around mother with severe mental illness, no consistenct emotional stability with severe attachment issues, and isolated in so many ways. Hard to trust and there is still work to do. I was can relate to this. It has taken a lot of time and patience with my relationships, rejoining friendships, not ideal, but I still find this tolerance of emotion difficult and distressing. UK is diffcult to get DBT in some areas and this channel has helped me feel validated to hear about other with common symptoms. I am finally on the way to therapy but more is needed in the NHS system for traumatised adults.
Yes, this. I find i am more likely to get spooked by Anything triggering in a relationship or when dating. Any flaws of the other person, I run screaming from not only red flags but yellow flags and sometimes even green flags. It was helpful to hear about what healthy inperfection sounds/feels like. Thanks!
I experience this too. I find myself focusing on flaws & telling myself why it can't work. I realized in my last relationship that I self-sabotage. I learned all about attachment styles. I am a fearful avoidant & I read that we look for flaws as a way to create distance in a relationship. I'm guessing out of self protection. Attachment = fear of abandonment, thus not wanting the attachment to form in the first place.
I think it helps to sit down at some point, and consider what flaws and bad habits/traits we consider tolerable. For people with relationship trauma especially tend to jump into either seeing every flaw as a massive character problem, or thinking everything is changable, especially when were young. Also its important not to forget that a lot of what relational trauma brings is making yourself small, aka thinking youre probably wrong and overreacting and stuff gets muddled and spinning in our head. Everybody has flaws, theres no perfect person in the world, so the real question becomes what flaws are ok to live with? What do these things the person does tell us about what kind of person they are and is this the type of person you want to spend your life with. I obviously dont know about their relationship enough, but the man spending a decade needing to be instructed on housework and expecting her to take care of it, paired with the fact he just expects her to change her mind about having kids, tells me he doesnt take her seriously at best and at worst that he doesnt care too much. And neither of those are flaws that are livable. Id also say to test reality often when being told youre too much or asking for too much. Women especially often get accused of wanting too much, and this is especially hard with relational trauma. I had a man tell me its too much to expect him to participate in cleaning the apartment once a month. He also commonly made a point out of complaining about all the boxes in the storage room (that I kept there), a room that no one uses ever, but stacking garbage bags and pizza boxes in the kitchen, a room we use constantly was fine and if i had a problem with it then I should clean it and not bother him. When I told him our landlord would kick us out if the apartment was a mess all the time and the bills werent payed on time (I regularly needed to remind him of the bills too), I was told Im overreacting again. Just because someone wasnt expected to take care of these things at home, doesnt mean youre asking for too much, youre not his family of origin that made this organization for him and thats valid.
As you were reading the letter, I first thought, “This sounds different than my own relationship.” Less than halfway through the letter, everything started to sound exactly like my current relationship! So thank you for sharing this video.
I couldn’t agree more. I’m SO PROUD of the person asking the question. She’s overcome the seemingly impossible…I’m near tears hearing her story. And then to be such an introspective, self aware individual. What a treasure. I hope she is so proud of her progress and has a breakthrough to finally feel free of her trauma bonds….
LOVE for children of abuse is a weaponized word used to abuse and control throughout their whole life. Even society has a toxic view of love. True love does not hurt to give or to receive. A word I started to become aligned with is ACCEPTANCE. To act out acceptance is far more powerful and unconditional than love any day.
Great advice to the writer. I married a wonderful partner (for someone with cptsd.... and without, tbh lol). 20 years in and it has been the best decision of our lives. It really does take a special person to understand trauma... it helps a relationship to understand ones own trauma. Thanks!
I was never that crazy about children, nor played I with dolls. My mother did not love me and she kept me away for good from my father who would have. My mom also was married maybe 6 times or so after she left my father when I was about 2- 4 years old. No father material among her husbands. I had children with my husband, because I thought it was the right thing. I will never ever regret that decision. Some people said, that I was a great mom. I am not so sure about it...but my children became wonderful people. When you have your children, your motherly instinct will kick in and change you completely. (a leas that is what happened with me) Later in our relationship my husband told me hat he had stopped loving me, but my children are the only ones who love me. Concerning our fear of messing up the children: Try to find a good loving neighborhood or a couple of friends and mentors to help you raise your children while you do the same for them. This is what any parents should do anyway after my opinion. (it takes a village o raise a child)
Love so much you suggest alanon. This program changed my life after 20 years of trying all the things. It was the missing puzzle piece. I learned boundaries and let go of so much shame. I learned to dwell in solutions instead of my habit of living in the problems constantly. I'm a natural dissident and could express my experience with learning about my trauma and my brain when the outdated readings didn't align with updated brain science. I could be me and I eventually learned who that was as I discovered my desires, my strengths, and needs.
ALANON and AA are such a blessing. Adult children of alcoholics (ACOA) is another gold mine for wisdom and healing also. Can't recommend these groups enough...and its all free. Thank you for sharing!!! 🙏
I was surprised by the advice here. Sounds to me like she needs to focus on healing. Just bc he’s good at couching her trauma, doesn’t mean they should be together. Don’t marry the “nice guy” just bc he’s a nice guy. Those relationships end up miserable too. Focus on healing and be alone for a while. If he’s meant to be, you could revisit later. So young to be marrying and not focused on healing.
Maybe it’s because she know how crushingly horrible and unsafe it is to be alone. So much rhetoric around being alone being superior to being in a less than perfect relationship. But for many being alone will cause crushing and life threatening mental and physical health problems. I think that’s why she takes this approach b
@@annabelsmith7970 that is a fear based approach to the world. There’s being alone in solitude and healing, and there’s is being lonely. Two different things. Avoiding being alone because being terrified of being single is why most women are in bad marriages. Healing is the best focus and healthy partners usually come. Scarcity and fear based mindsets only lead to more trauma. Take care.
@@moniquemichelle7295 I get what you’re saying but some people aren’t terrified of being single, they’re terrified of being in a relationship. Two different things. They desperately want and need connection (that’s a fundament a human trait, we are social creatures) but their trauma makes it almost impossible to connect. That’s why I think it’s important to acknowledge these less than perfect relationships. For some, being alone could end up worse. And there’s all kinds of data showing that loneliness and aloneness causes health issues.
@@annabelsmith7970 loneliness does cause health issues but data also shows single women are the happiest. The woman is so distressed she wrote to tccf to begin with. She is looking for validation in a relationship she knows is shitty, and lets her partner hold her trauma over her head. That's setting up/already is a power imbalance. Dude is exploiting her.
I just got out from my parents and moved into my boyfriend's. This was a huge step for me but my CPTSD has become so much more pronounced and I feel I've gone backwards. I'm barely holding it together during this episode, but I'm doing it. I'm breathing through it. These videos are so calm and helpful. It was so nice being able to relate to someone's story, and it gave me home to hear her outlook should be hopeful, too. Honestly, I'm in my 30s, all of this has affected my relationship with my child, and I am so desperate to get back on track for him. It's so hard to talk to him when I'm like this; I just want to protect him.
I found that when you move in with a man who is not your husband, it can create a lot of confusion, and cause you to stay in a relationship that maybe isn't the best. It really would be best to find another woman to be a housemate and just live on your own for a season. When you move in with a boyfriend, there could be red flags in the relationship that you'll ignore or hope to get better - because it's too stressful to move, or take on the financial burden of living without your boyfriend.. Just my advice to others... Don't do things backwards and move in with a man who isn't committed to you.. Only move in once you're married - or at the very very least, engaged to be married. Otherwise - there is NO motivation for him to marry you. "Why buy the cow when I get the milk for free?" Type of thing.
I just got diagnosed with CPTSD 6 days ago (no surprise. Just never had an official diagnosis). The thing that's difficult is wanting or being attracted to (in all ways, not just physically) a person who is actually good. It feels like the only options I have are settling for someone who is good enough just because the only people I've truly wanted have been unsafe, or just being alone the rest of my life. I don't know how to figure this one out. 34 years old and I've never had a solid relationship. Ever. Just a series of entanglements. It's sucks knowing too much about yourself, constantly working on yourself, working on communication, who to look out for, who to avoid, trying different things (like dating people you're not even remotely interested in) and still coming up empty handed (so to speak). What else is there to do at that point? You're amazing, Anna. I watch you often and your insight and personal experience(s) have been tremendously helpful, as well as comforting. I'm sorry you've endured so much, but am grateful for your wisdom and to know someone out there understands. I just wish I knew what to do anymore.
Idk if this will help you or not, but what I'm doing right now is: 1) avoid the attractive unsafe people on purpose 2) pursue the non-unattractive safe people on purpose. In other words, I'm going against my natural tendency that is self-destructive because I want to make my life better. Best of luck! ♥️
Imagine going through all that, not have anyone show you how to deal with it all and still become this rational, analytical and wise woman that Mina has become. I'm so impressed by her. ❤
My young cousin walked into a place like what you described. The court had her go there. She had a mop in her hand and one of the social workers started talking to her. They said put the mop down we have something a lot better for you. She said ok not know what that was. She had an drinking / drug problem before this. Her background growing up was really bad. She was pretty and took care of her self and was good to people. So when she put that mop down she went to school for a long time. Found a healthy relationship, the whole thing. I'm am so proud of her. She has really worked her butt of and she did not know what she had inside her until she tried. It then came out.Its hard to say all of this and not cry.
This relationship was doomed from the start imo. I read Mina’s comment and I am really glad it’s over. He’s not a loser like some people have said but he’s dealing with something and he’s copying mechanisms are detrimental to Mina’s growth. I think you’re very strong and are destined to do bigger and better things. He was the right person to get you unstuck in the past that doesn’t mean you two needed to stay together. I honestly agree with you about the drinking and smoking pot. It’s not like eating a bunch of chocolate twice a year, it’s a serious thing that creates addiction and destruction . So I applaud you for keeping your boundary. I was once dating a guy that said wasn’t an alcoholic (he’s dad was a very bad one ) and he probably wasn’t but he did drank ALOT a few times a month and for me that was simply unacceptable. I don’t even drink alcohol so that also made it more difficult. Anyway, Mina, I agree that your childhood mustn’t have been too bad and I see a bit of myself in you. My parents weren’t perfect and I too have CPTSD but I know that my parents love me even if they don’t say it much. I wish you all the best in love, life, and your work. And yes, I agree nature is the closest thing we have to spirituality :) Last thing, one piece of advice is never betray yourself to keep people in. Whoever is meant to stay won’t leave you for a boundary or a no. They’ll meet you where you are or halfway. And always put yourself first … Ps. About the kids thing I was like you, didn’t want kids until now. I’m 32 and almost 8 months ago I met a lovely man. Sure, he’s not perfect and has had a very bad childhood 🫣 but he’s a good man and he treats me like a queen and makes me feel safe and loved. He has troubles opening up emotionally but his actions show a lot of love. That is to say I think I do want to have kids with him, when I’m with him I feel the urge to have them :) and I was just like you, I though I was sure I didn’t want them but I was also afraid of a possible regret. You could rephrase your stance on kids with “conditionally childfree” meaning you are okay being without unless the right conditions are met: a good man/husband/dad, a good job for the both of you etc Best of luck ❤🐿️🍀
As a man with CPTSD I can say that I’m trapped between only finding bad partners and knowing that if I’m picky at all I won’t have any partner. So I choose not to date. I try to meet people but the people that like me are all extremely damaged and the people I like aren’t into me.
I am definitely avoidant. Relationship is a minefield. I have very good friends and enjoy deep friendships, but when someone seems to want to develop a "relationship" I want to say, "whatever it is that you want, I can't afford it." I've told others I don't have a boyfriend because I can't afford one. In my experience its all about me conforming to whatever the other wants, taking huge emotional responsibilities, and getting no credit for anything I do. Who needs it? A friend told me the other day that I'm a single mother of a disabled adult son . . . and it's true, but it surprised the hell out of me when he said that. I never thought of myself like that. Being the sole support just seemed like what was expected all my life. And I was married. For over 20 years. And it was all about what hubby wanted and what son needed and anything I wanted or needed was "selfish."
Definitely relate to that feeling of dread. There's always this overwhelming fear that I will be rejected or abandoned/ become unappreciated/ feel distant or empty in the relationship. I've dealt with being back and forth between being clingy and obsessed to afraid and wanting to distance myself when there is doubt. It's getting a bit easier as we've been together longer and I'm building trust with him. He is very supportive, understanding and caring. He's a good match for me and I'm trying my best to work through my insecurities from trauma.
If one person wants children and the other one doesn’t, there is nothing you can do about it but to go your separate ways. Regardless of the outcome of the relationship, I think she would definitely benefit from seeing an adoption competent therapist who is trauma focused.
I think that sometimes we need to give love a chance Even if we Are traumatized. Ive often isolated and turned down love cus I felt unworthy or «too damaged» to receive it. But I think giving intimacy a chance is important to heal. I dont know but just receiving touch and hugs is incredibly healing and can give your nervous system a sense of safety and rest. If the other person is worthy of you is another thing tho. Its hard to know if they Are good for us. Statistically 50% of people have some kind of attachment trauma. But safety and connection is just so vital 💛
Smoking pot and getting drunk may be more common than ever but that doesn't make it healthy. If this counselor is okay with that in her relationships than that is her preference but I think it's sad she challenged a broken person's boundary in that area, especially with the background shared. Its great to have that boundary! Especially if you want a to be with someone in a mature adult relationship and have a family and live a blessed life.
Again, very eye opening to hear Anna's opinion. So interesting and insightful. Didnt expect her advise to be so hopeful for the young couple. They are both working on themselves and keep developing, so nothing is lost here. 💕💕💕
If he doesn't help now, he will help LESS when married, and she will end up taking care of house, kids, herself and him. Don't do it... run! I lived this for 25 years and then decided I deserved better and haven't looked back since. My advice to everyone who wants to get serious/married is that what you have right now is the BEST you will get, it is going downhill from here. If less than 50% of what you have today is still fabulous - get married... but if it isn't don't because you will regret it.
Yes. We all need an inside look at what a good relationship looks like. I don't think I've ever seen one. How to create what one has never known? It can't be all put on the other person - if one lucks out and finds a healthy partner - that's not fair at all. And I reached an epiphany the other day, that I get into relationships to heal others. (Probably expecting them to do the same for me subconsciously.) And that I don't have to do that, I'm worthy of love without having to do that, be that. But growing up taking care of my mother from a very young age, I have no idea what a normal relationship looks like. What do you do in one? Just exist and be yourself? Odd.
Yes. Just exist and be yourself. Work on your flaws. Admit your insecurities. Admit when you are wrong. Forgive. Love yourself and the other person despite their insecurities. Be there for yourself and fix yourself, because you have a free will and can make choices and decisions for yourself. Be there for the other but don’t try and fix them. Love in such a way that the other person feels free. If love is not given of received freely, it is not love, it’s control.
Also, look up covert contract. Sometimes, what some people express as love and then don’t receive back is actually themselves holding a convert contract of reciprocal behavior in their hands expecting the person to sign-off on, without even showing the other person whom they love that they have papers for them to look at, let alone sign.
@@seymorepencilart Thank you very much! I'll look into that, the covert contract thing. I do most of what you said in your first message, I always strive to better myself, but I did realize in a recent study of my relationships I am trying to heal people as a way to connect. It clicked that it fell in the genre of "fixing" someone instead of accepting. And I recieve that back when I meet people, people trying to fix me. I want to stop doing that. Acceptance is really important to me.
rejection or regret which one is worse? pain will come no matter what, so will love, they are both abundant in the world. don't deny yourself out of fear. as always find balance. I share in this pain and am trying to save my own relationship right now. don't let the hurt become resentment.
I can tell you that regret is much worse. There's hope for rejection ( therapy, coping skills). But you can never go back and undo things that caused so much emotional wreckage. And it's your fault, nothing you can do. Beg forgiveness??
@@lisacurtis8162 Forgiveness to yourself and to others. I feel misunderstood when someone is mad at me or assumes me mad. I must forgive them for that otherwise I take on those emotions.
@@wolflar16 I feel that way too. Forgiveness seems to be my stumbling block ( because the harm caused was so grave). Thank you for putting that in the forfront of my mind. That's exactly what I needed.
…..I’m 33. I had a terrible childhood too. My dad violated me when I was 1 week old. My mom couldn’t love right after that. Neglected so bad I have bone and teeth issues. At 7 she left me at my brother and sisters father and I was a child slave until I ran away at 15. Ive always thought the reason why I couldn’t connect with good men was because of my childhood. I never could say I love you. I didn’t enjoy kissing or cuddling or romantic gestures. Seemingly normal things men would do annoyed me and it caused me guilt. Made me feel like a ungrateful monster with no hope. I came out as lesbian at 30. I had my alone time. I got sober. I dated around and after 3 years I have met the love of my life. I feel safe. I feel passion. I feel loyalty. I feel cared for and respected. Dear writer. If you’ve never dated a woman… I’d say date least 3 before you scrap the idea….. dating women is scary because there is a level of fear of rejection that can be hard to stomach. Be brave. You have the right to a beautiful life with respect and passion and loyalty. Those are things we can ask for. You aren’t broken because of your childhood.
Mina, I would thoroughly enjoy reading a biography or relationship novel of your own life experiences! Your direct and logic thought process really resonates with me.
Love all this advice!! It’s successful for me to hire a house cleaner that comes in once or twice a month to do the floors and whatever so that my partner and I aren’t resentful. So worth it! If you want to have children, please, please go to parenting classes, join parent groups. There are many diverse ones. We were never supposed to do it alone, at some point all of our ancestors lived in tribes!
Mina sounds like she has developed to be self-aware and able to express her thoughts and feelings. I hope that she sees that it is now time for her to recognise this development and live her life in that awareness, with or without her partner. She also needs to understand that she will develop further and so cannot rule herself out of being a parent of great ability based on her current marred self-assessment. She appears to have the capacity to be a great parent very clearly to me. Hopefully, your featuring them will have her realise her current ability capacity for the future. Good luck to her. It’s good that you (CCF) suggest that she consider that drinking and smoking pot has shades rather than being black or white. That she is likely overcompensating if she doesn't tolerate the very rare occasion of drunkness and a low level of pot use- as long - as it doesn’t lead to unreasonable behaviour. Mina needs to use the great communication skills that come over in written form into words with her partner to improve the household situation that is an issue for her.
Thank you for this Video Anna. It's really difficult giving myself time to heal. I'm 32 and I want to have kids (if I am healed and stable enough). I still have many things to learn. Also I'm with a man who probably does not want kids. I really like him. Now I have this feeling of urgency regarding my healing because I need to know what I want. If I actually will be able to be a good mom. Also I don't want to leave him. It is hard to hear my heart, to know what I should do and what I want to do. Leaving him feels very wrong, because I love him and he is good for me. I catch myself not speaking about my concerns & wishes and fitting myself to him. And one reason is of course that I fear him leaving me. I feel very conflicted right now. If I did not have this "ticking clock" I think it would be easier and I could have a clearer mind and give myself time to heal.
Honest conversations about your and your partner's goals and expectations is a good way to see if you are good partners for each other. The things will clear up regardless of the outcome of the conversation. Nika@TeamFairy
I think the advice in this video is pretty good. Whether or not Mina gets married to her bf is not what's important. This is a significant relationship for her because she is taking the first steps in healing her trauma of abandonment by having a stable, loving relationship. What's weird about trauma is that it's often paradoxical - one can feel terrified of abandonment, and yet feel safer with deprivation. The two big issues for Mina in this relationship are that he 1) drinks too much a couple of times a year and 2) doesn't help out enough with chores. For the first issue, I do believe that many people who don't have drinking problems can drink too much on occasion, like their birthday or New Year's Eve. The problem for Mina is that it makes her feel unsafe from her childhood. I think that they could cultivate some good communication around his drinking, where he could approach it consciously and sensitively, by saying "It's New Years and I'd like to have some drinks with friends. I know it's hard for you to be around because of your father, but I promise I won't do anything to lose your trust, like cheat on you, when I let my hair down." For the second issue, Mina should work with her boyfriend with a couple's therapist. Nobody's perfect and it's possible that he's just a lot sloppier than her. Maybe they can make a pact to work on each other's love languages together. He could learn to say "I love you a lot but I'm going to show you by doing the dishes," and she could try saying "I cleaned our room because I care about you, but I know telling you is how you are going to hear it." If you work together in therapy, and he's not making any effort to 'show' you his love by helping out around the house, then that would be an appropriate point to reconsider the relationship. But give him a chance first! He may need to grow too.
They sound like both great people. He's not abusive, nor an addict. He's kind and communicates. So much sounds like me and my relationship with my husband.. I've had many relationships over my 50 years, no ones perfect, including me. My husband's the best even though he doesn't clean as much as me. Lol!
Love when you respond to viewers ma'am, I think of how life changing it would be to wake up an having someone to help or at least have a 2nd perspective .
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My marriage of 40+ years is still as strong today as it was the first day I met her. She was very understanding as her upbringing was balanced, more love than anything else, whereas mine was violence from the age of four. I left home at 14 to live on the streets and at 16 I met my wife as she walked by and dropped some change into my cup. I thanked her and asked her if she would care to grab a bite to eat, amazingly she accepted, this was during the mid 70's where homeless people were classed as beggars, therefore shunned most of the time. We talked and laughed and as she got to know me, she liked me. Several weeks later she brought me some clean clothes and asked me if I wanted to go see a movie, I eagerly accepted and popped into the public washroom and got changed. We really hit it off as she finally realised that because I was homeless I wasn't a loss, as I kept on making her laugh and eventually I ended up living with her family for a few years before we tied the knot and got our own place. She has always been there for me as I for her and I will never forget the kindness she showed a stranger that cold November morning.
Wow what an amazing story. It sounds like a fairy tale. I'm not saying the author is not telling the truth.
It's the stuff of dreams . God blessed this man hugely. I hope he remembers to say thank you to Him 💖
I think that's the most romantic thing I've ever heard or read.
Wow...what happened next? :) :) did you manage to get a job? Did you have children? What helped you keep the spark? After this story I want to know everything 😂
@@tirtunemdouq they lived happily ever after in a prepper ranch with a hut, a donkey and 23 kids.
@@tirtunemdouq I went from job to job as the one thing I could not stand was being told what to do, even though it would have been good advice, all I saw was my father in them and it had me jumping into one job and out into another and so on. We had a son who is now in his late thirties and has a good steady job and girlfriend :) Spark? Well, I guess you have to look at your position in life and be thankful that you have your health and a partner who feels the same way as you do. I am blessed to have a wife as loving and devoted as she is, but I am also devoted to her in that I will do whatever is asked of me without complaint.
Of course we've had a few problems like any couple who live long lives together. One such problem was the death of our second son who was born prematurely and died 11 hours later. If we had not been dedicated to one another as much as we are, our marriage could have ended. A tragedy such as losing a child damages relationships to the point where one or both decide to part ways, as they each remind one another of their loss.
I had really bad relationships until I was 35, attracted by my childhood trauma. After years in theraphy I met my husband, and he’s NOTHING like ”my old type”. He’s kind, thoughtful, honest. He does what he says and says what he means. I dumped him after a few weeks, so scared of the unfamiliar feelings he stirred. We didn’t have the highs and lows, the superdramatic pattern I associated with love.
Then I changed my mind, painfully aware of WHY I got scared, and thankfully, he was still there. That’s almost 3 years ago 💞. You can learn to love and be loved by someone that’s good to you, and for you. I don’t miss the drama at all now, but I had to make a concious decision to learn new ways of love.
Thanks for sharing! Glad you're here :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
yay gives me hope
I just dumped a good guy, and regretting it. How did you reach out to him and explain it to him that he came back?
Very proud of you for reflecting, accepting and utilizing the right skills and saving this relationship.
Nice to hear stuff like this.. There is hope for me..
A good partner… someone who is always there for you, listens to you, makes you their priority, know you can rely on them, your best friend and partner through good and rough times, one you can laugh with, one you can TRUST!!!!!!!!!
i feel that self-aware cptsd survivors often don’t want kids. we didn’t have great childhoods and i think we’d hate the possibility of having our kids relive that because of us, or maybe we just don’t think we’re loving or nurturing enough to be good parents. it sucks to see other people, though, that do want kids but are blind to their shortcomings that will impact their parenting. i wish that people like that would pay more attention to the huge toll that we have as caretakers on prospective children and that we should be more selfless in our desire to have children. having children not because we want to give love to someone, or feel loved, or because that’s what everyone else is doing, but because we want to truly nurture and guide people along the path of life. bring THEM happiness, not us.
I agree with your statement about how cptsd survivors who are self aware don't want children.
For me, basically I'm trying to regain the years I lost in a dysfunctional family. I'm still not there yet due to further setbacks in life.
So there's no room for kids. Is resent the hell out of them for taking my energy and time and money!
I probably can keep plants and maybe a cat or two. That's the 5 year plan.
Now it makes sense. I thought there was something wrong with me as a woman.
There isn't.
I just have cptsd and a lost childhood
Careful most are raised to be narcissistic.. Make children happy?? The world does not revolve around them... They only suffer later when everyone else doesn't treat them like little Gods.... Ridiculous your needy.
P
Well said. Especially about kids.
@@alejandrabonita8355Parents need to model good emotional self-regulation (ie resiliency). By teaching kids how to handle setbacks, the kids are more likely to be overall happy-- which helps them to achieve their goals and get along with others. Narcissistic parents can't do this. I think that's what kaeyaslut meant-- to put the kids' needs first-- since the kids didn't ask to be born, and parents choose to have them.
Our brain is changed by trauma. By a chaotic or abusive childhood or abusuve relationships. That is what feels normal. So when you're in a peaceful loving relationship it feels like something is very wrong. It messes with your intuition. So we leave and go back to awful relationships because our brain interprets this as normal. Can we talk more about not sabotaging good relationships and recognizing good relationships please?
> Can we talk more about not sabotaging good relationships and recognizing good relationships please?
Yes. Be vegan.
This! It’s like I know a good relationship I just don’t know how to not sabotage it.
what I've come to realise is that bad relationships don't feel ok because they feel good, they feel ok because they confirm all of my fears.
If you're hypervigilant, and constantly looking for signs that someone will abandon you, it actually feels more uncomfortable if they don't, than if they did abandon or threaten to abandon you because then you can go, ok, yeah, there it is. We all feel more comfortable when things are predictable. If we expect bad things to happen and bad things happen, we feel ok. If we expect good things to happen and good things happen, we feel ok.
The key is to change our expectations. This is hard. It starts with not exposing oneself to too much disappointment, at least for me. So once someone has proven themselves to be unreliable, I detach, and move towards people who are consistent. So that I don't have that constant expectation that I will be disappointed being reinforced by, being disappointed. We were trained to think this way through experience, so it is experience that will train us out of it.
So that would be my advice, remove everybody from your life that is not dependable. If you have any emotional attachment to them whatsover, they must be dependable. They cannot be unsafe.
Good luck! Hard to find people that want to own and fix themselves.
You have summed up why women love a terrible man and partner. I hope you get help
If they are still living in their parents garage, she is right to not feel ready nor want children yet. Meaning: children are expensive and they will need more financial stability (which will contribute to feeling more confident or capable of providing for the children)
She should trust her intuition
Children really aren't that expensive unless you make them expensive
@@erkidenknight accommodation is expensive but being able to provide a home is crucial for child rearing.
@@thomasredmond4138 Please don't give this advice especially to someone who is reasonably questioning such a monumental decision. Children are expensive in all aspects. Financially, emotionally, psychologically, time wise and attention wise. They are a huge deal and rightfully so. Not everyone should, can or has any good reason to have an entire human dependent on them potentially for decades. Daycare alone can cost as much as rent in many areas and in just as many faaar more. ONLY daycare. What if the child has health problems? That would sink a college fund AND an emergency fund in one go in the US. They are not cheap. And rightfully so.
@@erkidenknight ignorance at its finest
@@Akemaste If you want your child to be damaged send them to daycare young. The lack of awareness in people is astonishing. The mother needs to be around the child full time in their formative years.. Look around you so many messed up people and its down to throwing children into daycares or awful schools and not being there. All by design can't have a strong/aware populace.
Speaking out of my own experience as a man, I would like to pick up on that household chores conflict. I definitely changed in that regard when I started caring for my inner child. The little boy inside me needed a strong emotional foundation to create space for the real adult transformation.
But many men cling to their inner child and avoid caring for themselves and their surroundings. This looks as being lazy, but is a alarm bell for childhood trauma and a separation between self and reality.
So I think it is kinda dysfunctional as a partner to "support" these bonding mechanisms (like in 27:00) by brushing them away comparing chores to other household features like "bringing home money" or "stabilty". It is great to see the greater picture, but for me it is incredibly important to even things out as good as possible and to show that you try to do your part - especially when caring for yourself, as this is only healthy.
Disclaimer: I may be projecting on this right now, but I thought about leaving it here anyways. May it help anyone
I think this is great advice! Thank you for sharing.
So in my situation, I have to come to terms with the workforce. My mother enslaved me to my very evil intentioned brother. This was simply because neither my father nor my mother were doing their respective jobs with me. There were five of us. The last two - my sister and myself- were neglected. Not only were we neglected but we were made to service the three older siblings. So when I married, my wife took up the economic part of the household duties while I stayed home with the children. This was a survival tactic on my part. But it also served for learning what happened to me as a child because my hands on experience with my own children was based in love and protection. When I learned that I didn't get the love and protection that I gave to my children, I was able to clearly see my mental illness for what it was
Wow, thanks for the insightful comment. While reading it, also as a man, I recognized myself in the situation you just described. I have no problem in doing chores and household duties when it's about other people's homes, but when it comes to my own where I live by myself, it's much much easier to just let things fall apart. The parallel you draw there, being a self-care thing, struck a cord, as I have been infamous during my life for just... Not doing it XD And in fact quite the opposite.
I'm gonna take into careful consideration your argument about being a clinginess to the inner child.
I know it's been 7 months but thank you for what you said. You opened my eyes! I never thought about it that way. I will talk with my partner about it so really thank you because you decide to drop a comment here!!
Agree that the chores issue should NOT be classed as "normal." Just because our society gives men a pass on this one doesn't mean it isn't important. It's not ok or mature to make the woman do it all. Domestic stress on women is largely ignored and is mentally and physically harmful to our health.
This woman in the story is simply a miracle of a survivor. Most people who have this kind of childhood most often end up dead, addicted, jail and so on.
Life finds a way
That’s a beautiful thing to say, and quite right too ❤
🫶🏽
@@ec1222 Definitely. Her self-awareness and maturity are astonishing. .
Believe your intuition! It’s correct if you’re feeling uncomfortable something is wrong!
@@SkyeAten I wish I’d learned it earlier than 62 ~ I always ‘knew’ but would push it away for various reasons and will always regret those lost decades ~
I wish I would have listened to my intuition. My life is so hard now because I chose the wrong ( easier, less scary) thing to do. My instincts were screaming at me to do the right thing but I didn't. Instincts, when you are calm is the right thing. The radar can be off especially when you are young but if you feel calm when interpreting situations it is right and you definitely should listen.
I’d rather offer the advise to trust the gut, but to cover every possible avenue to work it out prior to ending it so that no regrets, no ruminating.
But look at the letter writer. She may possibly be in a pretty good healthy relationship but her gut is telling her to run just to avoid potential abandonment trauma... it's not always good to trust our "uncomfortable" feelings outright, analysis and discernment is very necessary in every case
I've been in dangerous and terrifying situations: because I didn't listen to my gut. People have gotten my trust in the past, and they sure weren't who they said they were.
I understand the confusion of thinking you're second guessing yourself about a relationship, or other situations. I've learned that the second guessing came from narcissistic abuse.
The hesitancy of her being a parent is a good example that she is thinking logically at times. Unhealthy people really need a healthy partner.
But healthy people don't want an unhealthy partner ...
@@amarbyrd2520 Rt
That's not true. Healthy partners want the "Unhealthy" partner to apply effort and to try just as the Healthy partners do. We seek balance and equality on that scale. If you put in the work, just as we do, we recognize that and it gives us peace of mind knowing that were not being ignored and blocked out.
wrong
It's not the healthy person's job to rescue anybody. Unhealthy people need to be in therapy.
My background and history are different from the writer’s but my wounds, fears, and coping mechanisms are very similar. I recognize myself so much in her debilitating inability to figure out what is true and what is trauma, what she wants and what she may be sabotaging, trying so hard to listen to herself yet doubting her thoughts and emotions at every turn, trying to see and weigh all perspectives at all times and going nowhere for fear of taking a wrong step. She sounds so self aware and willing to learn yet so lost at the same time and I empathize a lot with that feeling.
Spot on.
You put into words exactly my thoughts. Thank you.
pseudomature
@@seabreeze4559 people don't get how cringe trauma makes you lol this is really how it feels.
Same. I dont identify with her childhood experience of alcoholism, my circumstances werent quite the same. But my coping mechanisms are to the T well-described...
At ten years old, I knew I'd never get married, or have a loving relationship, because it just wasn't worth it, to me. Even at ten years old, nobody was interested in being close to me, so I decided that I would be my own best friend, and concentrate on getting to know me. After having many, many adult roommates, living alone is paradise. I am 70 years old, now, and very grateful and yes, I will say, happy. Loneliness is icing on the cake compared to being in a bad relationship. I have never thought that I HAD to love "that special one", or if it was even possible. I was always very independent, and saw relationships with men completely unnecessary. joke: my therapist and I have a great relationship. If there was a way you could only be married on the weekends, that's my idea of a good relationships. Thanks, Anna, for all you do.
I have cptsd but remember having SO many nice boyfriends when I was younger, so much so that my childhood sweetheart found me 30 years later. He loves me so much but I keep pushing him away but don't know why. Somebody said I'm afraid to be happy. I believe I'm afraid it'll end because when I was happy before when it ended, it hurt really bad.
Interestingly I also have cptsd and I had zero guys pursuing me ever. Not even the bad ones would stick for more than a week. I was actually very sweet and willing to have a relationship but nobody wanted me.
I hate that people start with the idea that happiness is the goal. Happiness has its place, as a by-product of someone achieving the goals they set for themselves. What makes me happy is going to make someone else not happy. instead I've found that reaching goals leads to happiness. this is not a new idea. it's marketed as the key to a happy life is to make yourself happy. you lose if that's your starting point and the hucksters that sold you the book walk away with your money. ask a drug addict if he's happy, he'll likely say only when he's high. the rest of his life is in shambles. but he's happy when he's high.
Yes. And it's also easier when 99% of people in our age range are single.
What you said is the definition of fear of being happy. I was sitting one day writing things I wanted to release, as I was writing the thought of fear of being happy came to mind and I just started sobbing. I finished the list and set it a fire. That epiphany set me free and led to lots of situations that I pushed away due to the fear of being happy. Your allowed to be happy and just be the past did things to steal your happiness, doesn’t mean a man that has stuck around this long will do the same.
I guess it might be useful to remember why you split up the first time ? I am not a fan of going back because usually you split for a reason but if you feel like you have grown and you want to be together then talk to someone to work through the fear xx
Don't have kids with the guy if you're not sure and if he doesn't pull his weight around the house. Don't do it just because you don't want to "deprive" him of children. I think there's a lot of wisdom here from the crappy childhood fairy but I really don't think she should be telling you how you feel - that you love him - if you don't feel able to say that. Or that you should be talking his love language if he doesn't talk yours. Even if he does tell you you're great, words are cheap. I also don't buy it that it's OK for a husband to not do chores if he brings in an income.
Exactly. What crappy childhood fairy suggested here is called "settling"
There's give and take in a relationship which should be negotiated... if he's behaving in a traditional manner and bringing in the income or the majority of it then it's ok to take care of the kids and do most (not all) housework... staying at home.
If it's equal income, then it should be equal chores (based on how heavy the job and time consuming).
Everything is negotiable between 2 loving adults 😊
100%. Its especially important to help around house when kids are born. It will kill any love btw you two if you give him kids and he expects you to be the housemaid. You will hate him.
@@noone-yx3fl it wasnt her intention but unfortunately thats what she would be doing. Setting. Id say move out and gain her i dependence while working on her personal issues.
Exactly. Because if he was single, he'd have to take out food or hire a cleaner, if he chose he couldn't do all the chores himself.
We all do.
We live as best we can
I don't care how "common" dope smoking is said to be these days, if something is below your class of standards or you are not comfortable with, pick better guys/folks to have around. There are plenty of men that do not require being "slowed up" to get through life. Standards, ladies-uphold them.
THIS video fills a void in the spectrum. Thanks for making this.
I really like how you addressed the housework stuff! I'd love to see a video from you about this. For me, I was the "Cinderella" of the family (if that makes sense?), and parentified from an early age, expected to do most of the housework, etc. So I fell into relationships with men who were more like children I had to take care of, because it was familiar. But then, I'd end up resentful for doing all the work! So through hard experience - and learning from same-sex couples! - I've come up with these ways to avoid that:
1. Select for partners who already have a clean house on their own. If I go to their house and it's dirty, that's a nope.
2. Don't start out cleaning up after them. If they cook for me, I'll volunteer to do the dishes, and I watch to see that they do the same (I've learned that this is the "normal" rule). I don't pick up after them. I make it clear with my words and actions that I'm not trying to be anyone's mom.
3. Before moving in together, I make sure we have a clear, straightforward discussion about finances and housework. And I stick to it. Of course, if one of us is sick or dealing with other life issues, I'd expect the other to pick up the slack. But I will not go into living together without being very clear about this.
In some ways, it might seem like I'm being a really selfish b-word. Maybe that's just my inner critic, or the voices of entitled man-boys I've internalized, but I own it. My current/potential bf responded to that with, "Expecting the bare minimum from a relationship isn't being a b-word!" Which makes me think he might have potential, lol.
I could go on and on about embracing/reclaiming the inner critic, but that's another topic... :) Thank you SO MUCH for all you do, Anna!
It's so great to hear stories like this, I'm so glad you were able to heal and put a stop to that behavior. Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I can relate to the Cinderella and parentification. I have set the same type standards lol
Ooofff… Here’s what I heard:
He’s laid back and not serious.
He doesn’t help around the house.
She feels like a caretaker.
His love language is “words,” hers is “actions.” Sooo… he says things but no action?
He wants kids but already doesn’t take care of things at home.
“Out of it” drunk twice a year is not normal.
And then a bonus eyebrow raise: Her parents don’t like him. That alone, not a big deal, but combined with the rest…
I mean- yeah. It sounds like a pretty standard lazy husband marriage. I still have no idea what positive qualities she mentioned. He’s “patient” and says the words that he cares, even though he really knows her? I don’t see any other positive thing mentioned.
Right? How come I’m not seeing anyone mentioning the word codependents here? That’s not a good thing. They’re already living like they’re married so just when is it supposed to get better if it hasn’t already?
I agree strongly with this comment
The crappy childhood fairy suggested alanon. This is the most effective way of addressing co-dependent issues among other character defects.
Also, Healthy individuals with good boundaries do not tell people what to do regarding huge life decisions. To believe she knows what's best for another person's life is a covert narcissistic trait and a common characteristic of codependents.
She stayed in her integrity and gently guided the writer to get support and to empower herself in order to make that choice while allowing compassion for her partner who seems to be just another human with baggage or gasp addiction (like most everyone if you consider addictions to phones, porn, control, work, food, ect) without making him a villain and her some kind of victim.
Staying because he “couches her trauma” is not the best advice. I enjoy this channel, but she needs to focus on healing, trusting her instincts and finding a more compatible and fulfilling partnership.
To me, actions speak louder than words. He can say whatever, he's not doing anything to help her. And why is she the only one getting help? He needs help, too. No one needs to get black out drunk, that's someone trying to forget something; there's trauma in his past, too.
She doesn’t love him. She’s not into him. She’s not attracted to him. She would like to shake him off. That is totally fine. There doesn’t even need to be anything wrong with him for it simply not to be a match or not to be the right time. She may not know who is a good match until she is out there independent living in her own place developing herself. Antidepressants will not make you fall in love with someone that you don’t want.
Agree with this. She doesn’t have to settle just bc she has CPTSD.
I agree, everything screams of her needing to break out and be independent. Travel and meet new people, experience other cultures, learn who she is when she's not in the shadow of her parents and her boyfriend. It is terrifying when you're contemplating it, especially when you have cPTSD but when you're young you should have this freedom and it doesn't sound like she's had a lot of that in her life.
I would agree with this. Why does she even need to be with someone? Sometimes being on your own for a decade will help with standing on ones own feet.I would get a Dog and be on my own in a long van before living with someone. I realize my views are not applicable to everyone and is not universal. Love the youtube channel. Different perspective.
I learned more about this man than about anything else in this video, and that SCREAMS wrong.
It feels like there was no room for her to even BE in their relationship. Every word is about him. Every word is about what he thinks and what he does and what he is and what he isn't...
None of this is about her. THAT is the problem.
alexs6250.... Totally feel your comments are on target after hearing the letter contents Anna read. I would say the same comments.
This comment section is so healing. I can tell cuz I’m lowkey catching feelings for people that are so matter of fact healthy minded. That “attraction” is how you know my cptsd symptoms are showing
Hi guys, it's 'Mina'. Thought maybe you'd like an update and it would be helpful to me to get a few things off my chest. First thank you Anna for responding, although in retrospect I think probably I left far too much out in an attempt to be fair and not sound like I was throwing blame around for you to really give an accurate assessment.
Now this relationship has ended and I'm feeling kind of drained and sad and empty but not completely horrible. Things had been slowly fizzling out for a long time until a mutual conclusion was reached recently, so there's no hurt feelings or doubt really. I mean, a few little 'what-ifs' running around in my brain but nothing that affects anything, we both knew it was the right decision. I see in the comments a lot of people picked up on the situation correctly and gave sound advice, so thanks everyone.
I have to say, although my childhood sounds horrible in these sparse words, it wasn't all that bad until I was a teenager. I grew up in a small remote village in Iceland (I don't care if you know this, unlikely I'll ever meet any of you) with less than 100 people, and it was a lovely place and I had good people around me, but I think such environment can breed codependence. But I still love the place and go home regularly. Last summer I even intended to take a journalism job there and that's when I seriously started rethinking the relationship, he couldn't have moved there with me. Then the job fell through anyway unfortunately.
I guess the final nail in the coffin came a little before christmas on a couple of occasions when he got drunk. He's always super honest when drunk, always making confessions. The first time he confessed that he had smoked pot behind my back several years earlier which he'd said explicitly he wouldn't do. The lying is more bothersome than the act. The second time he told me he sometimes felt so terrible he didn't want to live (he has a bunch of trauma too as you've rightly guessed), said he tried to get an appointment with a psychologist and was told there was a 2 year wait list! Which I think is deplorable. And then he proceeded to throw up all over the floor... So that was really the final straw. Didn't see the point of continuing since we were both so unhappy and he agreed.
But I care about him and I don't particularly appreciate you labelling him a loser, yes, he was having a hard time finding work but not for the lack of trying, he just finished his education as a lawyer a little late in life and apparently there is a surplus of them on the market here in Iceland. A big thing that got left out was his autism, he has asperges which probably affected things more than I was aware of. He didn't actually tell be about it until a couple of years into the relationship and I didn't realize all the ways it manifested.
So about my healing, I'm super wary of these 12 steps programs, firstly because talking in front of people gives me anxiety and secondly because of the faith component, I don't have that, so I don't know how that would work. I'm not at all a spiritual person. We don't have all those programs available here that you have in the US but we do have al-anon and CODA, but yeah, still avoiding that. I saw recently someone had translated The body keeps the score in Icelandic so I will try to find that. Otherwise, I go out in nature and that's probably the closest I can get to any sort of spirituality (it's just difficult right now because of the heavy snow) and I have friends that I can talk to if I feel like it. But I think I'll be ok since I'm not a total wreck at the moment.
Great to hear from you Mina! It bothered me too that a lot of commenters over-criticized your ex. They criticized me for suggesting giving things a chance. Your story sparked a lot of emotion here, probably because so many can relate to the dilemma of the sort-of good relationship. I'm glad the reality of his drinking became clear (and the autism element makes sense) and that the parting was not by fleeing, but by trying, considering, and feeling the truth of the situation. Good luck as you move forward! Oh, and P.S., 12-step does not require faith. It is suggested that one have "a power greater than yourself" and it sounds like nature might be that for you? Many people in 12-step have nature as their higher power. May still be worth a try for you. Can really help with attachment wounds, and as I recall, that was something you (like many of us) were struggling with a bit.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you, I will give it some further thought. I have a friend who regularly goes to CODA meetings, might get up the courage to tag along with her one of these times.
I wish you all the very best. Baby steps... I resonated with your story, although it is ( of course 😉) different. I too, am out of a relationship now, its been nearly 9 months, and recognise that I have to do my own inner work. Its not easy, but i'm determined, and will not shy away from it. Wishing you strength, peace, and perseverance in your journey. Best wishes 🙏🏼🫶🏻
Thank you for this update, it answered some questions for me. I wish you happiness and your former boyfriend happiness, too.
Dear Mina, from the information given, to me it sounded more like a situationship. I felt that you need some time away from your family and the man, to heal and to build yourself. When you are ready for a relationship, it is best to choose someone consciously, someone who will both cherish you and provide stability.
A lapse in her mental growth. That hit so hard. That describes my mom. When she lost her dad she stopped growing mentally. I felt like I had to parent her and raise my brother.
Enmeshment
I actually cried listening to this. I hope I find someone lovely, balanced and patient some day
You will!
I love your videos. However, I respectfully disagree. I think the writer definitely needs individual work to address her trauma BUT I think this writer is highly intuitive. I too have CPTSD AND I know that when I don’t trust my gut with romantic partners is when I get burned. Sometimes there is just something off and heterosexual women with CPTSD have an additional layer of navigating trauma and learning that just because a man wants you even if he is “nice” doesn’t mean he’s entitled to be with you. It’s something all women who date men must learn. In the case of him wanting children and she doesn’t and him thinking she’ll just change her mind that’s a values mix match. Again he might be a good guy just not her guy and that’s okay.
big bad wolf isn't smiling
I agree, however I trusted my intuition when I met my husband and found myself in an abusive and controlling marriage. Despite intensive therapy, healing a lot of childhood and then relationship trauma and betrayal, my intuition could not protect me.
A man staying around because you will change your mind about having children is a major red flag. It shows he doesnt take you seriously for one reason or another. It also begs the question of what will happen if she goes on with her life and doesnt change her mind? Will he pressure her? Will he try to convince her? Or will he leave her years down the road? Children are not something you have out of compromise, youre setting yourself up for frustration, resentment and being unhappy. A couple I knew very superficially, the man ended up breaking off the engagement after 7 years of being together because it finally dawned on him, that this woman that has been for 7 years telling him she doesnt want to have children actually meant it and didnt change her mind. Dont stay with people that have different values and desires out of life out of the expectation they will change eventually. Its a recipe for problems.
@@abeautifulcountry9353 How do you know it was your intuition? How would you clarify that?
Right I hopefully learned my lesson with "nice guys"
Great video!
It took me 13 yrs of relationship and 5 years of therapy to understand that all the abuse and abandonement I was subjected to in my childhood twisted my ideas about love, attachment and co-dependency. Having your own home away from your abusers is fundamental to recover.
Thanks for sharing! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I am a therapist and I just came across the video. Interesting and I agree with most of the advice but I wud think hard about the following ....
1. Alcohol and pot. If ur not ok , ur not ok. If under stress someone seeks this out, at times of future stress they may seek that out more! Are u OK with that?
2. If u don't hv the same love language it's important to be well versed in each other's love language too. I heard u say that she shud give him more words of assurance etc since he deserves that given that it's his love language. Similarly it would only be fair that he shows more in actions like work around the house etc or whatever is imp to her cos she deserves that too by the same logic.
3. Children .. huge area of consideration. Each one really assesses whether or not they want kids n here given that she is not big on it but he is she might be quite right in her thot that given that he dsnt do much around the house, he may not be a hands on dad with the kids . Then that falls entirely on her n it can be pretty overwhelming.
The best advice I think was the last bit where they wait it our as maturity n hopefully clarity sets in about what they each want in the future and what they can expect n envision together. In the mean time each one heals themselves in the ways they best deem fit n yes couple counseling too.
Anna! It's Mother's Day here in Australia, and I just wanted to say happy mother's day to you! Even though I'm not much younger than you, you're like 'the mother we all wish we had had' to so many of us. You're wonderfully warm and perfectly firm and you just have the most beautiful manner 💗 You're a true blessing, and I'm glad you've managed to turn your Crappy Childhood in to something that benefits so many. Thank you for your Fairy magic 😘
Hello "Mina" Stick with your gut. You are right to not want to be around weed and alcohol. Weed is a mind-altering substance and alcohol is an intoxicant. I don't like it either. If I was in a situation where people were doing weed. I'd leave. People have a right to do it and I have a right to not be around it. Stick with your boundaries.
I agree. Learning about boundaries is key. It's about what we want in our lives. It doesn't have to be a judgement on the other person.
I had a couple alcoholic boyfriends, which I didn't understand, not having been around alcohol or drugs growing up. When I realized I had been uncomfortable with all that, and found a new guy that I knew only had one drink maybe once a year on New Year's eve, and didn't finish it, I asked him to promise not to drink again because I didn't want it in my life. He lived up to that promise for over 30 years, and even told me when a friend tried to talk him into having one when I was out of town.
After 30 years of marriage, I realized asking him to keep his promise was silly when our adult child drank and he couldn't try a wine with them. So, I released him from his promise 4 years ago. Since then, he has had maybe 3 sips of alcohol when offered a drink, did not finish the drinks, and refused a free margarita recently, even when I encouraged him to try it because he had never had one before. He, like me, always wants a clear brain to enjoy our real life.
To me, the key issue with the guy mentioned here is the binge drinking. That is not healthy and can lead to health problems, dangerous situations, lack of judgement, and be costly. And, because it is a sign of using a drug to ease stress, it can also lead to alcoholism down the road. I would NOT stay with someone who continues to binge drink into their mid-twenties and after college.
I agree to stick with your guns of no weed or alcohol if it's something you really aren't comfortable with. I resonate with a lot if your PTSD issues. Stay strong.
dork
Taking substances leaves you vulnerable to demonic influence.
@@lorimiller4301 No demons necessary. Chemicals in the body, genetics, social culture, family behaviors, and stress can fully account for any irresponsible or negative behavior related to substance use.
I'm not dating consciously for myself. Got over a year and a half under my belt. I'm focusing on my life, my needs, my joy, myself. I'm really starting to enjoy being free. Health is my number one priority right now. This might take some time to recover and heal fully but it's worth the time and energy.
Thank you for sharing this! It sounds like you're making great steps toward healing and that is absolutely wonderful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I agree with two things from this video: get an own place away from parents and take up couples therapy. The young man described sounds dubious - but that's what couples therapy is for.
Mina, you deserve the VERY best, because what seems to be the best option for abused children seems just normal for children with healthy parents. You gotta aim a tad higher to end up in an average good life situation, because you've been experiencing bad life for so long that it just looks normal to you.
I agree, this one raised SO many red flags for me:
- "his assessment of me was correct"
- "MY emotional meltdowns"
- "if i let him.. HE could probably HELP me"
- "maybe, as he says, i'm too uptight about it"
I used to have "emotional meltdowns" over similar issues with my ex, and it reinforced the perception that my partner was a perfect being, while I was a woefully imperfect mess. And gradually, instead of addressing these problems and growing together - while also having a safe space to continue working on the deeper issues within myself - the RELATIONSHIP became another thing I needed to fix.
Mina sounds articulate, thoughtful and self-aware, and isn't afraid to seek professional help for her issues. It also sounds like she defaults to self-doubt and self-blame when in conflict with someone she cares about. Even if she's not a pushover - i think people with cptsd and childhood trauma are at risk of getting steamrolled by intimate partners, especially through guilt and emotional manipulation.
If words and affection are the only thing he provides, I can see why the relationship would feel "dull".
Does he "contribute energy" in other meaningful ways as CCF describes? Do they go on dates? On holidays? Can they make future plans in a mutual and even fun way, or is it like the battle over household chores?
I always knew to walk away from someone who hit me. But I never learned to walk away when they promise you the world then give you breadcrumbs. Instead, I learned to have low expectations from my crappy childhood environment, while simultaneously being taught to keep trying harder to make others in the same crappy situation happy.
And I wonder if that's the issue here.
@@moarawkwarder that struck a nerve. "I learned to walk away if they hit me but not if they don't fulfill promises". Yes! My first love was amazing but he never lived up to the things he promised. Eventually I met my now boyfriend and he isn't going to even mention something he can't do. He does exactly what he says he's gonna do. It's been so nice. To not have the hope and disappointment cycle.
I so appreciate Nina’s honesty. She sounds like she is a fighter. I have no doubt she will find joy in her life. She sure is making the effort. I love your response. It is so kind and direct. Thank you!
Acknowledged my childhood trauma and desired motherhood so I prayed, sought and received wonderful help which I feel blessed and thankful for. I found that mothering my children the way I felt they deserved, and, I deserved as a child seemed to be a blessing for all of us.
Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
I really liked this topic! It’s nice to hear about “green flags” too.
Yes- I find green flags hard to see. It was impossible when I was in my 20’s
when it comes to deciding on kids, getting a pet and ensuring you can recognize and stop and prevent any abusive behaviors that were taught to you as a child prior to having any human kids can be really useful. Occasionally I find myself yelling at my cat the same way my mother would yell at me and I refuse to have kids until I can stop that behavior, I had a good run but accidently did it again recently, but I've just started therapy last month so hopefully I can break through it. It sucks that my cat takes the brunt but at least I'm not messing up a child that will eventually become a human adult.
You may also like to try The Daily Practice. It is a good tool to help with getting regulated. You can learn it for free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
This letter shows great self awareness, hard work and a sense of humour (the abandoned collander!) These are all some of the best human qualities (although watch the hard work isn't exploited - use it for you and your loved ones) All my hope and support for your ongoing recovery and management.
i think one of the most simple things someone with trauma neeeds to learn to do is to start asking am i happy with this choice.
Mina is such an introspective person and I loved her writing. Her thoughts and questions are just so thoughtful for a young person, it's very clear she's a resilient person through and through. As a clinician, I would love her as a patient because she's very committed to her healing. As for medications: it helps your feelings feel more bearable so if you're really having difficulty overall functioning, it can lift you out, but for the anxiety and fear triggered by attachment wounds --- I don't think it's really that effective just for these circumstances (again we don't know her mood outside of the relationship) and if another hard situation comes along, we can't just rely on it to not feel overwhelmed. However, most people with attachment wounds end up also end up not being able to regulate or understand their emotions very well because because they were modeled how to in a destructive way or weren't taught how to manage their emotions at all. I always recommend patients to learn skills and practices before or in addition to taking medications. Treat it as a tool, but not as the answer to our pain and suffering.
This video helped me so much. I grew up with an abusive mom, and I sometimes cannot distinguish between what’s healthy and what’s not. Thanks so much Anna for the work you’re doing, and thanks so much to the people who put themselves out there, writing these super personal letters and allowing them to be read out loud to the world. Thanks! 😁👍
Move far away from the parents renovated garage. Do this as soon as possible. Small apartment. Long commute. A less nice area would be all much healthier and give you breathing space. Day to day living is dull. Get into a new area. Don’t let chores be a breaking point. Also go elsewhere be a young couple. Only then can you have space. Then if you still feel strongly about no kids, then it could well be time to honestly say goodbye. You have time on your side. Meeting a good guy when you are young, this gives you a true choice about children.
I have a Nina kind of story. But am 51. I left the good man back then when I was 29. He is the father of my child who is now 26 (and is the best thing that ever happened to me). I regret the mistake of leaving my ex - due to my cptsd but luckily we always stayed family. We were each others big love. That’s comforting to see and feel - afterwards.
I keep on struggling with relationships. Though learning. And growing.
Love the channel. It helped me recognise the complicated intersections of many traumas at once… ✨🙏🏾
Your work is healing the lives of many people around the world. Thank you so much!
I had such a guy in my early 20s and I let it go because I thought there'd be plenty of that but I was in for a surprise. Absolutely problematic guys came my way after that. One after one abusive, unhealed, commitmentphobes, just sheer jerks with anger issues. I feel sorry I let the real one go. We are still in touch, he is married with a kid now and I am married too but I felt more respected and cared for when I was with him than I do with my husband. My husband is pretty great too but he is impatient and short tempered and doesn't have the patience of a saint like my ex did and I think of how I made the decision on breaking up a perfectly good relationship because I had issues in my own mind and later found out that I let a good thing go.
I can’t get the whole picture in one paragraph but do you feel happy with your husband? It sounds like you feel like you settled, I hope you can find peace your paragraph just seemed really sad. Please take care
@@joshcarlucci9712 Thank you for your good wishes! That's quite perceptive of you. I am not ok. We are kind of struggling and things may fall apart. That's why I was reminiscing and thinking how it would've been if I had made a better decision earlier. Thanks again for stopping by and commenting. Wish you a happy and peaceful life ahead.
So common. For me it was the guy that ghosted me and kept me at arms length until it was too late and I cracked. I was so in love with him and still am but he became cold and he didn’t fight for us and even when he wanted me back he had someone else tell me then just stood there saying nothing. I kept waiting for him to talk. He never did so I left. But we had something I never could explain sexually I just never felt before, we both have a lot of sensual emotions and energy and I didn’t know how much he suffered or imagined because again he ghosted me. We both miss each other I think but still ended up married to other people. Had we gotten help from our family we might have made it. I was also suffering in a church ministry mission at the time in the US being abused by a narcissist leader. 👻
@@wheathusk2499 it’s hard to be there I’m sure, but I recommend looking at your needs your wants and who you are now and want to be. A lot of times we feel lost in relationships because we feel like we’re losing ourselves. And that may be true, but it might help to see if he’s the one losing you or if you’re the one losing yourself. Or if that’s not what it is at all tackle it in the way you think will help best. But I really hope you can figure out what makes you both happy. Always put yourself first so you can be able to help others. I wish you the best
This is another side of mentality of be free and let go people easily when you are young.
I'm 43 w PTSD. My parents sucked. I'm an overachiever but can't keep a relationship. I finally went to therapy to learn all this. Advice is to start, there are professionals out there to guide you in your thoughts. I know I have trust issues and issues feeling accepted and loved. I KNOW it's counter productive for me to be in a relationship until I heal myself and learn to love myself first. So I'm OK being alone even if some days are harder then others; I personnaly don't want to hurt anyone but I know in my past relationships that im a push puller. Healing is a process and it's not linear but decide to start.
Knowledge is power. Understanding is wisdom. This video is educational and is saving lives, figuratively and literally. Remember we can never control the choices, actions, and behaviors of other people. Never. So don't waste your energy thinking that you can. Instead, let them be who they are.
In the words of Maya Angelou, "When people show you who they are believe them."
(The biggest lie we are told is "Be with someone who makes you happy." The truth is, that happiness is something you create on your own. Be with someone who adds to it.-unknown)
Mina, you are a superhero and I agree with how Anna starts out in noting that you are a miracle. I offer a different perspective on your boyfriend and have a different viewpoint than Anna. Do you want to support your boyfriend financially? You are essentially providing his housing AND doing the housework. If he causes you to feel fear of abandonment, it is not good. When will he grow up and take initiative? Never? Is your relationship founded on sex and not actual love? Does he say he loves you because he is provided housing and housekeeping? What are his goals in life and how is he going to get there? Mina, you are right in identifying that his drinking and smoking pot is not acceptable. In some people, it might be ok, but your instincts about substance use by your boyfriend are accurate - it sounds like he needs to demonstrate more conviction in his life in order to not get much worse in the area of substance use. Do you want a man and a solid husband or a boy that you provide for? I agree with Anna - move out of your parents’ properties completely. Enjoy some time to yourself. realize how self reliant you are to let your boyfriend decide what he wants to do to get himself together as a man. You just do not need to settle for being in a relationship that causes you fear of abandonment where a boy is not being a partner and a contributor to life.
This really moved me. Wise Fairy, thank you for your compassionate and wise read on this couple. You rock! I chose not to have a partner and not to have children and I know it's 99% rooted in CPTSD and being in a traumatizing relationship with an abusive borderline man on and off during the last years of adolescence and the first years of my adult life. In hindsight, it would have been very healthy for me to take the leap and give a relationship with other (healthy) men a chance. Now at 59, I'm maturing into it but still scared and feel like running the other way, keeping interested guys far away from me. I'm terrified that my discernment is out of order when it comes to men. This video stirred up some raw stuff that I've hidden under the carpet for too long. I do wish that I had mustered up the courage to "do" a relationship earlier, if not for life-long commitment then for the practice of relating and for the gift of being mirrored, and not least, to be loved and to love. Well, it's never too late to let myself ditch the control and let love enter my life. I'm willing and I really do hope I'm able. I have enjoyed being single but I know my life could have been richer and more fulfilling with a loving partner. I've worked so much on healing the issues of the past. It's time to reap, it's time to live.
To the young woman in the letter, I'm glad you dared to be in a relationship and I wish you great healing and a life according to your soul's desires!
I really hope you’ll risk it! It’s AMAZING to fully love, and crazy amazing to feel loved in return! No matter what, you can experience one of these, if not both! I hope you’ll find both.
@@robinbirdj743 Thank you for caring and for adding to that reality! I'm going for it, or rather, allowing it into my life
Thank you so much for this video. I have CPTSD (abandonment issues) and I’m in a relationship with a great guy. This video helps me to see that we love each other so much and I need therapy so that I can not only be a better partner to him but a better person. ❤️
Absolutely not to having kids with him. Girl, you WILL find yourself regretting and will leave either emotionally, but stay unhappily physically or leave altogether physically. Your story sounds soooo much like mine, minus orphanage and adoption, mine was physical and mental abuse by father and he also abused my mother who couldn't protect me. I was retraumatized over and over throughout my life, but won't get into except that I have very similar expression as you. I've been with my husband for 15 years now and we have 2 kids. Your relationship story sounds alot like mine down to free spirited, laissez-faire, pot smoking (I only recently became okay with it myself. I was VERY anti drugs too) man who also had heavy drinking problems until I gave him ultimatum right before we got married, but who is kind and patient man who I loves me. And he was also my first and only in all regards as i did NOT want to date. Though he did cheat once, but came back even though I told him he can go be with her. I went through alot in this relationship.
What I DID learn is that a man who does not lift his weight around, who is not driven (meaning ya'll will CONTINUE to stay at your parents house. He is clearly confortable af there, if he wasnt TRUST me he would have figured and moved you guys out by now ), who says one thing and does another (action love language fan here too), backs out of plans, backtracks and changes his mind alot (I don't know if yours does that too) is NOT a suitable long term partner or a parent. If you have kids with him, they WILL be on you, he WILL drink and smoke even more bc he clearly does not know what having kids means or the amount of demand and responsibility they require. Even one. My husband began to heavily smoke pot(behind my back) after our kids were born. Coincidence? Nope.
Kids are ALOT of work and you are ABSOLUTELY right in worrying about messing them up. I live with mommy guilt EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Bc I only began to recognize any and all my issues AFTER I had them.
It SUCKS being a cptsd parent who realized how f*cked up she is and who sees how she is already messed up her kids.
Save yourself from that. I beg of you. Live your life. Heal. ENJOY IT! Guilt f*cking free.
I wish you all the best in the world. Absolutely the best. You deserve so much love and care. I'm crying. 😭😭😭😭😭
drugs are grounds for divorce
I needed to hear this. I can not relate to the relationship issues in the sense that I am 24 and single, but somehow, I needed to see this. Thank you.
For what it's worth, you sound like a loving and introspective person who wants to better herself, which are all ingredients to a great mom. I wish my problematic parent, who in turn was traumatized by his parents, had a wake-up moment like yours before I became an adult.
Much love to you and your family 💗
@@user-jk4jj4nm1q the world is a better place because you're in it ♡
I found you on UA-cam a couple weeks ago and am blown away by your calm reflections and insights, and by your ability to get to the core of issues. Thank you for what you bring to us x
Thank you for your kind words! So glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I am in the same situation right now. My boyfriend of four months is out of town right now; a week before he went away we had a near break-up experience. We had a really wonderful few days before he left, but now that he's gone, I realize how minuscule our problems have generally been, given how difficult a partner my CPTSD makes me. This video makes me want to do "attitude of gratitude" exercises every day until he gets back, and sit him down when he does and tell him how grateful I am to have found him.
I personally draw a hard line when it comes to alcohol and drugs including cannabis. I’m in SoCal so it’s very common. It does limit your pool somewhat but its such a major every day lifestyle choice. I find it a lot easier to selectively limit the pool this way and the men who I do meet who follow the same lifestyle are just different. They’re generally confident, health conscious, mentally strong, and more enlightened. That’s just been my experience but I have had far better dating experiences since I made this a deal breaker. Thanks for these videos I’m learning so much from you all!!❤️
It's amazing the changes that happen when we make decisions about what we will and won't accept ahead of time :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Agree wholeheartedly! I'm in the same boat, but I am comfortable being alone instead of compromising on something like that. I'll bend on a lot, but neither of those are acceptable for me and what I want.
Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families is another excellent 12 step fellowship apart from AlAnon.
I had a terrible childhood but I learned how to identify a healthy relationship through my escapism in books. I spent most of my life reading teen fiction, which is full of wonderful star-crossed lovers. I found my soulmate in high school, and we've been together ever since.
I am totally tripping out.. this letter is almost exactly my life and current story right now. I randomly clicked on this.. Thank you so so much
Thank you for these. I have struggled all my life with the ugly divorce of my parents when I was 4. Relationship troubles still plague my life at 58.
You are a great help.
Stop right there. As soon as she said “we couldn’t afford to live together” I know he’s not all that involved. They are only together because it’s somewhat convenient. I had a horrific childhood and I have a WONDERFUL marriage of 23 years. You deserve more.
You don’t know that I don’t know their financial situation and they have some things to work thru to get there.
And there 20’ish
To the letter writer: you my dear are incredible. You’ve worked on yourself to get a basic understanding of what makes you tick. How few 20 year olds are that bright that they have sought to figure out and fix their own problems?
As far as being bored I too almost let go of a budding relationship because it just didn’t feel‘right’. I had to really do some soul searching and realize that feeling was because I was so used to chaos from my childhood and my first marriage a normal, calm relationship felt like I was missing something. Once I realized I was about to sabotage a healthy relationship because I was ‘bored’ I understood it wasn’t so much my new relationship as it was finding comfort in old patterns of fighting and being manipulated.
About that housework thing. We women have a really bad habit of expecting men to be mind readers. Then when they failed to run the vacuum cleaner or clean the tub we get all pissy because he should have known. The important question is if you ask for help does he give it? And when you ask him to do something is he purposely sabotaging his work or does he do his best? Keep in mind not everyone knows how to clean properly.
And last, who would make a better mother than you? You are introspective, you are willing to learn and you wrote how you share responsibility for an emotional outcome. You will be a wonderful mother. Whether you want children is your own decision of course but it shouldn’t be a decision based on your thinking you wouldn’t be a good mother. 🥰
Such good advice and compassion for Mina. Love your answer to her!
I loved this comment!!!! You touched on all her positive aspects of being introspective but still point out how not everyone is going to meet up to our standards even if it’s something small like cleaning that Can feel huge... but best of All i feel her questioning herself as a mother is not needed and you said it perfectly... I feel like she has high standards and lives a good lifestyle as well as he does when dealing with her, she even looks up to her boyfriends positive traits so I feel like they’d make good parents.
I have been very fortunate to have grown up with my wife of 36 years. My child hood home was one of both mental and physical abuse from a alcoholic father. At the best of times dysfunctional my wife was naber that gave me a safe place to run and hide. She has always been my friend and saving angel.
I had really unhealthy remationships until 2015 aged 39 - I wish I would of met him sooner or sometimes at a different time when my trauma has healed . Spent my childhood around mother with severe mental illness, no consistenct emotional stability with severe attachment issues, and isolated in so many ways. Hard to trust and there is still work to do. I was can relate to this. It has taken a lot of time and patience with my relationships, rejoining friendships, not ideal, but I still find this tolerance of emotion difficult and distressing. UK is diffcult to get DBT in some areas and this channel has helped me feel validated to hear about other with common symptoms. I am finally on the way to therapy but more is needed in the NHS system for traumatised adults.
Yes, this. I find i am more likely to get spooked by Anything triggering in a relationship or when dating. Any flaws of the other person, I run screaming from not only red flags but yellow flags and sometimes even green flags. It was helpful to hear about what healthy inperfection sounds/feels like. Thanks!
LOL…sounds like a horse I used to have … “Flags! Flags everywhere!!”
I experience this too. I find myself focusing on flaws & telling myself why it can't work. I realized in my last relationship that I self-sabotage. I learned all about attachment styles. I am a fearful avoidant & I read that we look for flaws as a way to create distance in a relationship. I'm guessing out of self protection. Attachment = fear of abandonment, thus not wanting the attachment to form in the first place.
I think it helps to sit down at some point, and consider what flaws and bad habits/traits we consider tolerable. For people with relationship trauma especially tend to jump into either seeing every flaw as a massive character problem, or thinking everything is changable, especially when were young. Also its important not to forget that a lot of what relational trauma brings is making yourself small, aka thinking youre probably wrong and overreacting and stuff gets muddled and spinning in our head.
Everybody has flaws, theres no perfect person in the world, so the real question becomes what flaws are ok to live with? What do these things the person does tell us about what kind of person they are and is this the type of person you want to spend your life with.
I obviously dont know about their relationship enough, but the man spending a decade needing to be instructed on housework and expecting her to take care of it, paired with the fact he just expects her to change her mind about having kids, tells me he doesnt take her seriously at best and at worst that he doesnt care too much. And neither of those are flaws that are livable.
Id also say to test reality often when being told youre too much or asking for too much. Women especially often get accused of wanting too much, and this is especially hard with relational trauma. I had a man tell me its too much to expect him to participate in cleaning the apartment once a month. He also commonly made a point out of complaining about all the boxes in the storage room (that I kept there), a room that no one uses ever, but stacking garbage bags and pizza boxes in the kitchen, a room we use constantly was fine and if i had a problem with it then I should clean it and not bother him. When I told him our landlord would kick us out if the apartment was a mess all the time and the bills werent payed on time (I regularly needed to remind him of the bills too), I was told Im overreacting again. Just because someone wasnt expected to take care of these things at home, doesnt mean youre asking for too much, youre not his family of origin that made this organization for him and thats valid.
Me too. 😭
@@beccabean5770 gosh me too. I just found out I'm fearful avoidant. I feel broken
As you were reading the letter, I first thought, “This sounds different than my own relationship.” Less than halfway through the letter, everything started to sound exactly like my current relationship! So thank you for sharing this video.
I couldn’t agree more.
I’m SO PROUD of the person asking the question.
She’s overcome the seemingly impossible…I’m near tears hearing her story.
And then to be such an introspective, self aware individual.
What a treasure.
I hope she is so proud of her progress and has a breakthrough to finally feel free of her trauma bonds….
LOVE for children of abuse is a weaponized word used to abuse and control throughout their whole life. Even society has a toxic view of love. True love does not hurt to give or to receive. A word I started to become aligned with is ACCEPTANCE. To act out acceptance is far more powerful and unconditional than love any day.
Great advice to the writer. I married a wonderful partner (for someone with cptsd.... and without, tbh lol). 20 years in and it has been the best decision of our lives. It really does take a special person to understand trauma... it helps a relationship to understand ones own trauma. Thanks!
I was never that crazy about children, nor played I with dolls. My mother did not love me and she kept me away for good from my father who would have. My mom also was married maybe 6 times or so after she left my father when I was about 2- 4 years old. No father material among her husbands.
I had children with my husband, because I thought it was the right thing. I will never ever regret that decision. Some people said, that I was a great mom. I am not so sure about it...but my children became wonderful people. When you have your children, your motherly instinct will kick in and change you completely. (a leas that is what happened with me)
Later in our relationship my husband told me hat he had stopped loving me, but my children are the only ones who love me.
Concerning our fear of messing up the children: Try to find a good loving neighborhood or a couple of friends and mentors to help you raise your children while you do the same for them. This is what any parents should do anyway after my opinion. (it takes a village o raise a child)
Thanks, Fairy, for supporting Mina, telling her that she's wonderful and being amazed at her efforts.
Love so much you suggest alanon. This program changed my life after 20 years of trying all the things. It was the missing puzzle piece. I learned boundaries and let go of so much shame. I learned to dwell in solutions instead of my habit of living in the problems constantly.
I'm a natural dissident and could express my experience with learning about my trauma and my brain when the outdated readings didn't align with updated brain science. I could be me and I eventually learned who that was as I discovered my desires, my strengths, and needs.
Gawd I REALLY could have used your help 25 yrs ago! Glad I'm at least able to get it now. Grateful for your assistance. Thank you ❣️
Glad you're here now! Thanks for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
ALANON and AA are such a blessing. Adult children of alcoholics (ACOA) is another gold mine for wisdom and healing also. Can't recommend these groups enough...and its all free. Thank you for sharing!!! 🙏
I was surprised by the advice here. Sounds to me like she needs to focus on healing. Just bc he’s good at couching her trauma, doesn’t mean they should be together. Don’t marry the “nice guy” just bc he’s a nice guy. Those relationships end up miserable too. Focus on healing and be alone for a while. If he’s meant to be, you could revisit later. So young to be marrying and not focused on healing.
Maybe it’s because she know how crushingly horrible and unsafe it is to be alone. So much rhetoric around being alone being superior to being in a less than perfect relationship. But for many being alone will cause crushing and life threatening mental and physical health problems. I think that’s why she takes this approach b
@@annabelsmith7970 that is a fear based approach to the world. There’s being alone in solitude and healing, and there’s is being lonely. Two different things. Avoiding being alone because being terrified of being single is why most women are in bad marriages. Healing is the best focus and healthy partners usually come. Scarcity and fear based mindsets only lead to more trauma. Take care.
@@moniquemichelle7295 I get what you’re saying but some people aren’t terrified of being single, they’re terrified of being in a relationship. Two different things. They desperately want and need connection (that’s a fundament a human trait, we are social creatures) but their trauma makes it almost impossible to connect. That’s why I think it’s important to acknowledge these less than perfect relationships. For some, being alone could end up worse. And there’s all kinds of data showing that loneliness and aloneness causes health issues.
@@annabelsmith7970 it’s been 8 years. This is just kicking the can down the road
@@annabelsmith7970 loneliness does cause health issues but data also shows single women are the happiest. The woman is so distressed she wrote to tccf to begin with. She is looking for validation in a relationship she knows is shitty, and lets her partner hold her trauma over her head. That's setting up/already is a power imbalance. Dude is exploiting her.
I just got out from my parents and moved into my boyfriend's. This was a huge step for me but my CPTSD has become so much more pronounced and I feel I've gone backwards. I'm barely holding it together during this episode, but I'm doing it. I'm breathing through it. These videos are so calm and helpful. It was so nice being able to relate to someone's story, and it gave me home to hear her outlook should be hopeful, too. Honestly, I'm in my 30s, all of this has affected my relationship with my child, and I am so desperate to get back on track for him. It's so hard to talk to him when I'm like this; I just want to protect him.
I found that when you move in with a man who is not your husband, it can create a lot of confusion, and cause you to stay in a relationship that maybe isn't the best. It really would be best to find another woman to be a housemate and just live on your own for a season. When you move in with a boyfriend, there could be red flags in the relationship that you'll ignore or hope to get better - because it's too stressful to move, or take on the financial burden of living without your boyfriend.. Just my advice to others... Don't do things backwards and move in with a man who isn't committed to you.. Only move in once you're married - or at the very very least, engaged to be married. Otherwise - there is NO motivation for him to marry you. "Why buy the cow when I get the milk for free?" Type of thing.
I just got diagnosed with CPTSD 6 days ago (no surprise. Just never had an official diagnosis).
The thing that's difficult is wanting or being attracted to (in all ways, not just physically) a person who is actually good. It feels like the only options I have are settling for someone who is good enough just because the only people I've truly wanted have been unsafe, or just being alone the rest of my life.
I don't know how to figure this one out. 34 years old and I've never had a solid relationship. Ever. Just a series of entanglements. It's sucks knowing too much about yourself, constantly working on yourself, working on communication, who to look out for, who to avoid, trying different things (like dating people you're not even remotely interested in) and still coming up empty handed (so to speak). What else is there to do at that point?
You're amazing, Anna. I watch you often and your insight and personal experience(s) have been tremendously helpful, as well as comforting. I'm sorry you've endured so much, but am grateful for your wisdom and to know someone out there understands.
I just wish I knew what to do anymore.
There is info in the details section and on the crappy childhood fairy website with resources, suggestions and support :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Idk if this will help you or not, but what I'm doing right now is: 1) avoid the attractive unsafe people on purpose 2) pursue the non-unattractive safe people on purpose. In other words, I'm going against my natural tendency that is self-destructive because I want to make my life better. Best of luck! ♥️
I didn’t even know u weren’t a therapist when you’re so educated and helpful. I give you an honorary CPL and PhD! 🙌🏻🥰
Imagine going through all that, not have anyone show you how to deal with it all and still become this rational, analytical and wise woman that Mina has become. I'm so impressed by her. ❤
My young cousin walked into a place like what you described. The court had her go there. She had a mop in her hand and one of the social workers started talking to her. They said put the mop down we have something a lot better for you. She said ok not know what that was. She had an drinking / drug problem before this. Her background growing up was really bad. She was pretty and took care of her self and was good to people. So when she put that mop down she went to school for a long time. Found a healthy relationship, the whole thing. I'm am so proud of her. She has really worked her butt of and she did not know what she had inside her until she tried. It then came out.Its hard to say all of this and not cry.
This relationship was doomed from the start imo. I read Mina’s comment and I am really glad it’s over. He’s not a loser like some people have said but he’s dealing with something and he’s copying mechanisms are detrimental to Mina’s growth. I think you’re very strong and are destined to do bigger and better things. He was the right person to get you unstuck in the past that doesn’t mean you two needed to stay together. I honestly agree with you about the drinking and smoking pot. It’s not like eating a bunch of chocolate twice a year, it’s a serious thing that creates addiction and destruction . So I applaud you for keeping your boundary. I was once dating a guy that said wasn’t an alcoholic (he’s dad was a very bad one ) and he probably wasn’t but he did drank ALOT a few times a month and for me that was simply unacceptable. I don’t even drink alcohol so that also made it more difficult.
Anyway, Mina, I agree that your childhood mustn’t have been too bad and I see a bit of myself in you. My parents weren’t perfect and I too have CPTSD but I know that my parents love me even if they don’t say it much. I wish you all the best in love, life, and your work. And yes, I agree nature is the closest thing we have to spirituality :)
Last thing, one piece of advice is never betray yourself to keep people in. Whoever is meant to stay won’t leave you for a boundary or a no. They’ll meet you where you are or halfway. And always put yourself first …
Ps. About the kids thing I was like you, didn’t want kids until now. I’m 32 and almost 8 months ago I met a lovely man. Sure, he’s not perfect and has had a very bad childhood 🫣 but he’s a good man and he treats me like a queen and makes me feel safe and loved. He has troubles opening up emotionally but his actions show a lot of love. That is to say I think I do want to have kids with him, when I’m with him I feel the urge to have them :) and I was just like you, I though I was sure I didn’t want them but I was also afraid of a possible regret.
You could rephrase your stance on kids with “conditionally childfree” meaning you are okay being without unless the right conditions are met: a good man/husband/dad, a good job for the both of you etc
Best of luck ❤🐿️🍀
As a man with CPTSD I can say that I’m trapped between only finding bad partners and knowing that if I’m picky at all I won’t have any partner.
So I choose not to date. I try to meet people but the people that like me are all extremely damaged and the people I like aren’t into me.
I am definitely avoidant. Relationship is a minefield. I have very good friends and enjoy deep friendships, but when someone seems to want to develop a "relationship" I want to say, "whatever it is that you want, I can't afford it." I've told others I don't have a boyfriend because I can't afford one. In my experience its all about me conforming to whatever the other wants, taking huge emotional responsibilities, and getting no credit for anything I do. Who needs it? A friend told me the other day that I'm a single mother of a disabled adult son . . . and it's true, but it surprised the hell out of me when he said that. I never thought of myself like that. Being the sole support just seemed like what was expected all my life. And I was married. For over 20 years. And it was all about what hubby wanted and what son needed and anything I wanted or needed was "selfish."
Definitely relate to that feeling of dread. There's always this overwhelming fear that I will be rejected or abandoned/ become unappreciated/ feel distant or empty in the relationship. I've dealt with being back and forth between being clingy and obsessed to afraid and wanting to distance myself when there is doubt. It's getting a bit easier as we've been together longer and I'm building trust with him. He is very supportive, understanding and caring. He's a good match for me and I'm trying my best to work through my insecurities from trauma.
worse to feel alone with another person
If one person wants children and the other one doesn’t, there is nothing you can do about it but to go your separate ways.
Regardless of the outcome of the relationship, I think she would definitely benefit from seeing an adoption competent therapist who is trauma focused.
I think that sometimes we need to give love a chance Even if we Are traumatized. Ive often isolated and turned down love cus I felt unworthy or «too damaged» to receive it. But I think giving intimacy a chance is important to heal. I dont know but just receiving touch and hugs is incredibly healing and can give your nervous system a sense of safety and rest. If the other person is worthy of you is another thing tho. Its hard to know if they Are good for us. Statistically 50% of people have some kind of attachment trauma. But safety and connection is just so vital 💛
Hmm, I'm still not convinced. I don't gamble with money, so I certainly won't do that with my heart.
Smoking pot and getting drunk may be more common than ever but that doesn't make it healthy. If this counselor is okay with that in her relationships than that is her preference but I think it's sad she challenged a broken person's boundary in that area, especially with the background shared. Its great to have that boundary! Especially if you want a to be with someone in a mature adult relationship and have a family and live a blessed life.
Again, very eye opening to hear Anna's opinion. So interesting and insightful. Didnt expect her advise to be so hopeful for the young couple. They are both working on themselves and keep developing, so nothing is lost here. 💕💕💕
As someone that can't even get a date, it's interesting to watch some of these videos.
If he doesn't help now, he will help LESS when married, and she will end up taking care of house, kids, herself and him. Don't do it... run! I lived this for 25 years and then decided I deserved better and haven't looked back since.
My advice to everyone who wants to get serious/married is that what you have right now is the BEST you will get, it is going downhill from here. If less than 50% of what you have today is still fabulous - get married... but if it isn't don't because you will regret it.
Yes. We all need an inside look at what a good relationship looks like. I don't think I've ever seen one. How to create what one has never known? It can't be all put on the other person - if one lucks out and finds a healthy partner - that's not fair at all. And I reached an epiphany the other day, that I get into relationships to heal others. (Probably expecting them to do the same for me subconsciously.) And that I don't have to do that, I'm worthy of love without having to do that, be that. But growing up taking care of my mother from a very young age, I have no idea what a normal relationship looks like. What do you do in one? Just exist and be yourself? Odd.
Yes. Just exist and be yourself. Work on your flaws. Admit your insecurities. Admit when you are wrong. Forgive. Love yourself and the other person despite their insecurities. Be there for yourself and fix yourself, because you have a free will and can make choices and decisions for yourself. Be there for the other but don’t try and fix them. Love in such a way that the other person feels free. If love is not given of received freely, it is not love, it’s control.
Also, look up covert contract. Sometimes, what some people express as love and then don’t receive back is actually themselves holding a convert contract of reciprocal behavior in their hands expecting the person to sign-off on, without even showing the other person whom they love that they have papers for them to look at, let alone sign.
@@seymorepencilart Thank you very much! I'll look into that, the covert contract thing. I do most of what you said in your first message, I always strive to better myself, but I did realize in a recent study of my relationships I am trying to heal people as a way to connect. It clicked that it fell in the genre of "fixing" someone instead of accepting. And I recieve that back when I meet people, people trying to fix me. I want to stop doing that. Acceptance is really important to me.
rejection or regret which one is worse? pain will come no matter what, so will love, they are both abundant in the world. don't deny yourself out of fear. as always find balance. I share in this pain and am trying to save my own relationship right now. don't let the hurt become resentment.
I can tell you that regret is much worse. There's hope for rejection ( therapy, coping skills). But you can never go back and undo things that caused so much emotional wreckage. And it's your fault, nothing you can do. Beg forgiveness??
@@lisacurtis8162 Forgiveness to yourself and to others. I feel misunderstood when someone is mad at me or assumes me mad. I must forgive them for that otherwise I take on those emotions.
@@wolflar16 I feel that way too. Forgiveness seems to be my stumbling block ( because the harm caused was so grave). Thank you for putting that in the forfront of my mind. That's exactly what I needed.
Love is not abundant in this world
…..I’m 33. I had a terrible childhood too. My dad violated me when I was 1 week old. My mom couldn’t love right after that. Neglected so bad I have bone and teeth issues. At 7 she left me at my brother and sisters father and I was a child slave until I ran away at 15. Ive always thought the reason why I couldn’t connect with good men was because of my childhood. I never could say I love you. I didn’t enjoy kissing or cuddling or romantic gestures. Seemingly normal things men would do annoyed me and it caused me guilt. Made me feel like a ungrateful monster with no hope. I came out as lesbian at 30. I had my alone time. I got sober. I dated around and after 3 years I have met the love of my life. I feel safe. I feel passion. I feel loyalty. I feel cared for and respected. Dear writer. If you’ve never dated a woman… I’d say date least 3 before you scrap the idea….. dating women is scary because there is a level of fear of rejection that can be hard to stomach. Be brave. You have the right to a beautiful life with respect and passion and loyalty. Those are things we can ask for. You aren’t broken because of your childhood.
Mina, I would thoroughly enjoy reading a biography or relationship novel of your own life experiences! Your direct and logic thought process really resonates with me.
You give more information to this person in the letter. Than my therapist has given me in four years time.
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
Love all this advice!!
It’s successful for me to hire a house cleaner that comes in once or twice a month to do the floors and whatever so that my partner and I aren’t resentful. So worth it!
If you want to have children, please, please go to parenting classes, join parent groups. There are many diverse ones. We were never supposed to do it alone, at some point all of our ancestors lived in tribes!
The way you read, and speak to the author and us is so warm and kind. Such a pleasure to listen to your insightful videos.
Mina sounds like she has developed to be self-aware and able to express her thoughts and feelings. I hope that she sees that it is now time for her to recognise this development and live her life in that awareness, with or without her partner. She also needs to understand that she will develop further and so cannot rule herself out of being a parent of great ability based on her current marred self-assessment. She appears to have the capacity to be a great parent very clearly to me.
Hopefully, your featuring them will have her realise her current ability capacity for the future. Good luck to her.
It’s good that you (CCF) suggest that she consider that drinking and smoking pot has shades rather than being black or white. That she is likely overcompensating if she doesn't tolerate the very rare occasion of drunkness and a low level of pot use- as long - as it doesn’t lead to unreasonable behaviour.
Mina needs to use the great communication skills that come over in written form into words with her partner to improve the household situation that is an issue for her.
I love the way you speak to the author's of those letters. So encouraging, loving, and supportive.. all while being truthful.
Great talk!
Did I already say this? Adult Children of Alcoholics 🙌🏼AND Dysfunctional Families #ACA
Thank you for this Video Anna.
It's really difficult giving myself time to heal.
I'm 32 and I want to have kids (if I am healed and stable enough).
I still have many things to learn. Also I'm with a man who probably does not want kids. I really like him.
Now I have this feeling of urgency regarding my healing because I need to know what I want.
If I actually will be able to be a good mom.
Also I don't want to leave him. It is hard to hear my heart, to know what I should do and what I want to do.
Leaving him feels very wrong, because I love him and he is good for me. I catch myself not speaking about my concerns & wishes and fitting myself to him.
And one reason is of course that I fear him leaving me.
I feel very conflicted right now. If I did not have this "ticking clock" I think it would be easier and I could have a clearer mind and give myself time to heal.
Honest conversations about your and your partner's goals and expectations is a good way to see if you are good partners for each other. The things will clear up regardless of the outcome of the conversation. Nika@TeamFairy
I think the advice in this video is pretty good. Whether or not Mina gets married to her bf is not what's important. This is a significant relationship for her because she is taking the first steps in healing her trauma of abandonment by having a stable, loving relationship. What's weird about trauma is that it's often paradoxical - one can feel terrified of abandonment, and yet feel safer with deprivation. The two big issues for Mina in this relationship are that he 1) drinks too much a couple of times a year and 2) doesn't help out enough with chores. For the first issue, I do believe that many people who don't have drinking problems can drink too much on occasion, like their birthday or New Year's Eve. The problem for Mina is that it makes her feel unsafe from her childhood. I think that they could cultivate some good communication around his drinking, where he could approach it consciously and sensitively, by saying "It's New Years and I'd like to have some drinks with friends. I know it's hard for you to be around because of your father, but I promise I won't do anything to lose your trust, like cheat on you, when I let my hair down." For the second issue, Mina should work with her boyfriend with a couple's therapist. Nobody's perfect and it's possible that he's just a lot sloppier than her. Maybe they can make a pact to work on each other's love languages together. He could learn to say "I love you a lot but I'm going to show you by doing the dishes," and she could try saying "I cleaned our room because I care about you, but I know telling you is how you are going to hear it." If you work together in therapy, and he's not making any effort to 'show' you his love by helping out around the house, then that would be an appropriate point to reconsider the relationship. But give him a chance first! He may need to grow too.
They sound like both great people. He's not abusive, nor an addict. He's kind and communicates. So much sounds like me and my relationship with my husband.. I've had many relationships over my 50 years, no ones perfect, including me. My husband's the best even though he doesn't clean as much as me. Lol!
Love when you respond to viewers ma'am, I think of how life changing it would be to wake up an having someone to help or at least have a 2nd perspective .