I think we are sometimes unwilling to get clear of what we want because we were taught not to "idealize" anything. Just try pulling the "perfect partner" talk in a group of people to watch how quickly everyone will make fun of you for having unreasonable demands. "Unreasonable demands" such as kindness, respect, loyalty and a decent grasp of hygiene lol
What they consider unrealistic is just expecting decent behavior. When I find myself painstakingly explaining why you don’t do things that hurt people, I know I’m on a fool’s errand.
I was taught to idealize. I saw my mom put my angry step dad on a pedestal and as a severely codependent person, before recovery, I was in one sided relationships with abusive men but I had a fantasy of who they were and denied who they truly were. Denial was my biggest codependent behavior.
@@stephanyhalo592 I felt sorry for them, while they were being merciless toward me, and for a long time, I really did think it was me. Then I thought about it. I don’t hurt people to get a reaction. I don’t lie about my feelings or my actions, or try to embarrass people in public. I have my partner’s back. Why would I settle for less than that from a partner?
1) you’re attracted to them, they show you they’re attracted to you. 2) they’re not dating anyone. 3) it’s clear that they want to go on a date. If its not a date, don’t go on a 2nd one. 4) they demonstrate an interest in getting to know you - they don’t just talk about themselves or anything besides you. 5) they listen to you, and they understand you. 6) they make their interest in dating you clear. 7) they’re open about themselves and what they’re looking for in a relationship. 8) are they logistically available? They don’t live long distance or are unavailable and you rarely see them. 9) they treat you and others with kindness. 10) they’re honest. 11) they’re considerate when making plans with you. 12) you feel good and uplifted when you’re dating them, like a better version of yourself.
I would add a number 13. How do you feel AFTER they leave when you shared time and activities. Sometimes the biggest moments of clarity whether the other is a great match arrive once I’m back in my own energetic space. If I suddenly feel a drop in energy and depleted then it’s a red flag.
So true. The 5th point however somehow involves this, I‘d say. If you feel heard/Seen by a Person and they really understand you, it is quite the opposite of an energy vampire
Be careful of the love bombing. Just because someone is nice doesn't mean they are a good person. Anyone can be nice for 10 minutes. Take the time to know a person and always listen. If you let someone talk long enough they'll show themselves. Don't rush into a relationship, take it slow. No matter the situations or what happens, choose peace. Nothing is worth losing peace for so protect your peace.
If you hang around and study a man's behaviour long enough, any mask he is wearing will be lifted and you will see h is true colours and what he's really all about, which he may have previously tried to hide behind a fake facade. If you are perceptive and mentally sharp, you will spot his flaws mediately but it takes time to be sure. Of course, a few minor character flaws is no valid reason to dump him. Depends on how serious his flaws and what your own values are. Eg I can tolerate an honest, sincere but not brilliant guy who tries his best. But I would never tolerate a liar, cheat, user, deceiver type. I am not that way myself, so do not tolerate it from men. I can tolerate a bit of excessive out of control male behaviour, ranting and raving as some men do, as I had a father like that. But if it begins to threaten my own safety and security,sanity, peace of mind etc too, I simply cannot continue and cut him off. much
“they want to know about you” is the biggest one to me… everyone i’ve dated has been the type to never ask me anything about myself.. and when i shared about myself - the type to breeze past it and then start talking about themself again. i tend to get excited about people before i get to know them at all, but now the easiest way for me to gauge whether someone is a good match is if they ask me questions about myself. it’s simple and effective haha
In my previous relationship, I had to ask him to ask about me… also ask him to check in with me like “how are you? What have you eaten?” I felt so annoying to have to ask such bare minimum things ugh!
Saaaame I only had one partner who was ever interested in me by asking questions and its a massive love language because I feel like I'm always the one asking
I remember watching Happy Days as a little kid. One of the characters - maybe Fonzi - had a list of traits he was looking for in a girl. I don't remember my comment. But my mother was instantly irritated with me and said, "who do you think you are to make a list? You're certainly not perfect. You'll be lucky to find anyone who even likes you." This was said to me even though I did everything I could to make her happy. She gave me the impression that only ppl who thought they were better than everyone else could ask for what they wanted. The rest of us should accept whatever was offered and be happy about it. Here I am decades later making a list. :)
I don't know if your parents were same gen as mine but could someone please just say it? Post- WW2 parents were enchanted with materialism and money but their parenting skills sucked and they were focused on money and materialism. The hippies were right about that much. Your mom sounds like a negative person like mine was. They brought up kids like squirrels, not like developing humans. Not all, of course, but very common, I suspect a lot of Anna's patrons and fans on this forum are the babies of WW2 parents.
My Dad was like that and would say when I was just 8 or 9 years old: You'll probably never find the right person. He had ongoing negative tapes of all kinds he projected on to me.
Greenlights is a great book. One big, important, critical green light that the guy I’m currently dating does is that he respects my boundaries. I set the pace. He doesn’t mind that I “put on the brakes” because he tells me that he respects me. And he always acts in accordance with what he says. I’ve always dated guys who disrespected me (stood me up, saw my boundaries as a red flag, put me down, love bombed and withheld if I did something they didn’t like) and this is so different. It even highlighted the ways in which I was dysfunctional (insecure, jumped to conclusions/rumination/doom thinking) and because he knows I have a terrible dating history (as did he), he and I are patient enough to work through it together. It’s a little foreign, but it’s great.
I am having a similar experience, and have had a similar past. There's green lights everywhere just my attraction towards him seems to me more of a slow burn rather than the obsessive chemisty of the past. I'm hoping my attraction will continue to grow towards him.
This is a brilliant one. Some of the original ones could be red flags if they’re overdone. But someone who is lovebombing you almost always fails to respect your boundaries at some stage!!!
@@nicksyb5920 ...or just goes from hot to cold with no warning, like one man did. He never compromised my boundaries (those long, lingering hugs never bothered me, at least not with _him)_, but he turned cold on me and when I wrote a letter to him telling him I felt hurt and asking what I did and saying I cared about him and stuff, he went to a mutual friend and told her I was "obsessed with him" and she took his side, eventually resulting in a falling out with both of them. At least she saw his true colors eventually, and she and I later patched things up (after almost 2 years of silence between her and me because I wouldn't speak to her anymore). She's my next door neighbor, and we are friends to this day but he's out of the picture. Just as well.
I'm 69. Just got kicked to the curb 6 months ago, no notice given. Wonder if I'll laugh again someday, trust again. Stop feeling ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated by that relationship. You know what's nice about pets? They let you love them. It's just that simple. It's me and the cats now. It will have to be enough.
"Worry not that no one knows you, seek to be worth knowing." -Confucius Be happy. People are attracted to happy people. Other people will not make you happy. "Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” - Bob Marley.
The guy I just dated the last 3 months displayed all of these qualities, but almost over-the-top in some ways. Asked so many questions about me. Asked the waiter’s name when we were out. Always confirmed plans ahead of time, updated when late…etc. AND he also love bombed me. Future-faked me. Was too good to be true until he ended things suddenly. Another narcissist.
Same! He claims I helped him leave a bad marriage and he has never loved anyone the way he loves me but all the cloak & dager crap about what was going on with the divorce was just too much for me to bare😞 1st thing: make sure he is emotionally available!
I just finished listening to this video twice and then I left the house on errands. Within minutes an attractive man got out of his car in a parking lot to tell me he was single and was very interested in taking me for coffee, and asked if I was available too. I drove away laughing out loud and I’m still smiling hours later. I’m intent on doing relationships right from now on, and I thank you so much Anna for what you do!
I've accepted the wrong partner all my life which has always left me wanting. At 58 I've finally met someone the checks all the boxes. It's a numbers game.
These are really basic requirements yet far too many MARRIED men think they’ve a right to pursue single women. As if we need their marital drama in our lives?!? Ambiguity is also a major turn-off
I'd say if they just got out or divorced... Keep away from those people. They have not healed and are emotionally unavailable and have tonnes of baggage.
I think, as I got older I became so picky ( because I always had partners who were really bad for me) that being a single woman with a cat is the best thing for me to do. 😆
So why not go to a cat convention of there is such a thing or offer to cat-sit for others? might be a start. Lots of men who love cats! Sometimes we just have to TRY and put ourselves out there; isolation will not help us met anyone. Watch more Anna if u can, she does not advocate isolation .Not being critical but there is a sad aura of surrender to your comment.
Totally agree. My therapist suggested I make a list of needs I have in relationships when I was in the middle of deciding whether to break up with my ex and it has been a total game changer for me. It is so good for codependents, people pleasers and those with low self worth ( poor boundaries) to make explicit to themselves what their needs and standards are and WHY. That reflecting on the why part especially allows you to stick to your boundaries and not invalidate yourself. A major why I often list is “I offer this and I don’t deserve less than I give”. I’m at a point in my life now that I actually have on my list of needs that a potential partner would also have self aware standards of compatibility for their relationships. Because that means someone has put thought into who they are and what makes a relationship really work for them. They’re looking out for long term compatibility and the emotional safety of both parties. There’s just a maturity to that vs feeling needy/ lonely and entering a relationship with someone for more shallow reasons and just seeing where it goes (most likely badly). And yes that’s how you lose years of your life to misery trying to make something incompatible work.
Usually narcissists and sociopaths will check all these boxes and more. Mine kept his mask on for 3 years and it only began slipping after we got married. Until then he was the perfect boyfriend and fiancé. Any tips on how to bring out the hidden red flags?
I too have been with a narcissist. But I reckon there were indicators of his selfishness and bad temper early on. I dismissed them because he was incredibly good-looking and I was infatuated.
I agree! This is so helpful! My partner had all of these signs but I have a kid and he does not want a kid. So soul-crushing to let go but I realized it’s a deal breaker. I really want to be a family.
Agreed, this perspective is refreshing. Everyone seems "boxed in" with being so busy identifying red flags to the point of it being "toxic". Employing "green light" perspective gives us a fair and unbiased judgment and helps to steer us away from trauma based discernment.
I don’t feel that anybody really gets me, and I find it hard to get to know people beyond a superficial level, and it’s almost always a no. Which I can’t really control. I only have trauma in my past. Can’t help that either.
BTW, the following is total hearsay and just my experience: if you are curious about how someone is going to treat you in future in the relationship; find a way to go to a restaurant with them. Everything about that experience is exactly what it's going to be like as long as you're together, especially sex. If he picks a lousy restaurant, is rude to waiters, wolfs down his food then gets impatient while you eat, 'hates' too many types of food, drinks too much, picks at his food or takes forever to order, -and- watch the good habits they display also, are they generous, know their wine list, got a good table, etc? -might outweigh the rest. It's a bit of urban folklore maybe, I can tell you that every single bf I had plus my ex lived true to this system. Don't cook them dinner or vice versa because they will act differently as a guest or on their own turf, something about restaurants brings out this telling behavior. I know this sounds overly simple but just try it.
i've been burned so many times i don't even know if i want a relationship. i have a happy life right now. i love my life! i think that the right partner could enhance it, but i've been burned so many times that i am not convinced yet that there will be a mutual attraction with someone who ticks all the boxes for me...and i know how the wrong partner can eff things up.
I would continue loving your life and then if someone who could enhance it comes along, you could give it a go. If it doesn’t work, know when to let it go.
Oh my word, one guy I had feelings for told me "you never gave [this other guy] a chance," and after I had moved and he was no longer around, I got involved with and almost married someone I was not attracted to nor in love with because I figured I'd be wrong "not to give him a chance." I was afraid to so much as go out to dinner with someone else who seemed interested in me, because he looked like he was looking for a marriage partner and hoping to marry sooner than later! I just had this feeling that if I started something or so much as accepted his invitation to have dinner with him, I would be under tremendous pressure to get serious with and marry him with very little courtship or chance to get to know him and know for sure. I'm almost 50 and never been married because it was either rejection (by someone I was attracted to), or too much pressure prematurely (by someone I wasn't). ~sigh
Oh. My. Goodness. My person actually had an ex in the basement! They didn't lie about it, but then I found out they still have a joint bank account... And I was wondering why I was feeling so awful about my situation. Which I ended. But I'm still really, really sad about.
This was lovely to hear, especially as someone who feels ready to put themselves out there again after several years of healing on my own ☺️ I also liked how you talked about someone who was leaking out heavy emotional stuff early on, and that they might be in healing mode, simply not ready for a relationship. No added shame or harsh judgment there. I felt so much regret about doing this in the past. It hurt hearing people mention ‘crazy people who talk about their exes’. I was trying my best, still processing and healing. I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but I didn’t know that then. It’s okay. We are still worthy of kindness and respect.
I also liked hearing it be put in terms of "healing mode", because I realized I've done that, too. It's okay to not be ready and still be processing. As long as the other person doesn't take advantage of it.
I’m turning my relationship cab light on… for the first time in decades. Maybe just for one hour a day to start lol so grateful for you… I’m learning so much. I’ve already made positive changes in regards to friend relationships where I was accepting mere “crumbs” of respect or connection
I needed this information decades ago. My adoptive mom actually once told me "sometimes you have to settle." I'd look at her and my adoptive dad's relationship and wonder which one settled... These days I keep myself behind the glass with the valuables,as they say. I wasted so many years on losers and liars. I feel better about myself now more than ever, and it's the single life for me. I'm too old for all that "getting to know you" chit chat. I have a full and busy life... I sure do appreciate all the insights here, even late in life.
I grew up in a dysfunctional home and had a lot of childhood trauma. I married a terrible person very young who is completely toxic and dysfunctional, even to this day. We are divorced. As I got older, I understood the reason I was attracted to dysfunction was because that's what I thought was normal. My 70 year old parents still can't stand each other, but they live together. This is why I've never remarried or become serious with anyone since my twenties. I've never had a healthy role model in the area of relationships. It's sad, because I know I deserve to be loved and have a good, healthy relationship, but it's like, "relationship birth control' watching my parents argue and call each other names anytime I'm around (it's a lot). Ugh. 😥
@@M.L._l97 Nothing to be sorry about. Sometimes people are more comfortable in family dynamics and settings that are full of chaos, conflict, hostility, nonsense, and drama. While paradoxically, they feel uncomfortable, uneasy, and anxious when there is peace and you are not interested in engaging in the constant drama and conflict.
Keep your distance from parents and continue doing the work. If you stay in that space you will not meet anyone good for you. Change the mind set as best you can.
Another great video. I personally will not ever get online again. As someone with trauma, I developed codependency and love addiction. I attract enough narcissists in real life. I think online dating can be very dangerous for someone who can’t be alone. It’s full of too many predators. When we fully love and accept ourselves, we have the boundaries to move on quickly. Matt Hussey says you have to trust yourself. Maybe you can’t trust the other person, but as long as your willing to walk away when there’s a red flag rather than rationalize it, then you’re good to go.
I am a marriage counselor and relationship coach, and I'd say that Anna gives very good and detailed advise. Thanks for providing this service. It is especially important for folks who can't afford a therapist or can't get an appointment right away.
Could it turn out that he’s the love of your life - or an axe murderer? I’d be smiling too; it’s flattering. And some men are known to have walked with a friend into a party, pointed out a woman, said “I’m going to marry her” and they do. However, this is rare. It’s worth meeting your newfound admirer in a public place for a coffee or to ask if he’d like to meet you at Lowe’s, and during your time together try to get a fix on whether he’s sane - although it sometimes takes 3-5 meetings until the crazy part shows through. I was the victim of a stalker for 14 years. I met him when I parked my car next to the UCLA campus. 90-minute coffee by the next day turned into an ofttime nightmare. Then there was the time more recently when a handsome, sweet stranger approached me where I was doing my afternoon street cat feeding. He said “I’ve been parking and watching you a few times performing this act of kindness and I wanted to finally meet you. Can I help you?” Wow. Someone who gets me. Then a week later he stopped by again. On our third meeting he asked in a roundabout way if I’d be interested in going out with him. Issue: a big age difference. In other words it was unlikely that this would go anywhere. And who knows: Maybe he even had a Mommy Complex. What I did know is that I am very happy being alone so why suddenly rock the boat? Go out with with your stranger. Enjoy the experience. Maybe it’ll be a click but likely not. See if he “gets” you and whether he has good manners (he holds your chair and pays the bill). Do not get in his car because then all of us might have to go looking for you, God forbid! Use your intuition And let us know what happened.
OMG I've been a walking red flag LMAO ...at times. This taught me SO much and there's been times I've turned people down, but later acted that way myself to another person. Strange yet I'm extremely happy to learn and know better now. Thank you for this.
I haven’t dated since my husband passed because I don’t want drama in my life. My past relationships have been the whole list of trauma choices you mentioned in another video. I’m wanting to date & find a good guy, but too exhausted for drama, Lies or unfaithfulness.
Last year i met someone on holidays, it was infatuation but i didn't know then.. I remember being so curious about him but he never cared to ask me question about my life. All that matter to him was how can I help him build his website (i told him i will make it for him because I wanted him to see me as a good girl 🤡) after 1 month i started to notice his true color, he was a narcissist and i was a codependent woman. Bottom line, if they aren't curious about your life, ditch them. Don't waste your time for people who don't care about your life, your dreams, your passion 🙏
I really appreciate this video. As a guy I don't think I was often encouraged to think about greenlights in potential partners. Gonna use this to hopefully help keep myself on track and avoiding unhealthy infatuation.
Just broke things off with my ex recently who’s a vulnerable narcissist and man upon ending things with her I made the realization that pretty much all my previous partners were just like her, I tend to attract abusive women into my life. I’m a good man but I couldn’t understand why Iwould do this to myself unconsciously
Sorry to hear about that. There's a good book called "the human magnet syndrome" by Ross Rosenberg, which may explain (not advertisement, I read the book due to own problems attracting narcicissts and maybe it could be helpful to you too).
@@Allaboutbaby24 hey thank you for the suggestion, I’ll check it out! Thanks! Lately I’ve bought a few books from psychologists on here that talk about adult children of narcissistic parents and the relationships we tend to gravitate towards as adults that have helped me a lot. One is by Jay Reid (who has a wonderful channel here) his book in scapegoats is an invaluable resource same with other s I can mention in case you’re interested
When is the right time to let people in emotionally? If I have had a history of oversharing too soon, what are the correct boundaries to have? Could you possibly do a video on this?
I had a hard time knowing how I felt in dating situations because I couldn’t trust my feelings. I’d feel over the moon about someone who wasn’t actually that into me, because I had no gauge of what it felt like to have someone actually like me. Plus I assumed if someone actually liked me and showed it there must be something wrong with them. Sadly, when I was still in the middle of my dysfunctional family abuse, I was kind of right.
Dear Anna. I've watched your videos for a while now, and just started with the Daily Practice. It's so helpful. And you know what just happened, after I started to take care of myself and my condition? I met an attractive, smart man who's attracted to me, who's attentive, who's made clear what he wants - a partner, and who's pursuing me as much as I am pursuing him. We've been on dates, discussed our expectations, and he also showed me a list of what he wants in a partnership, which I found profound and beautiful and totally agreed with. I even took your advice on being clear about what I wanted - a marriage - and it didn't scare him off. I was so scared to tell him, but remembered your advice on being clear, and did. And it didn't scare him. We met through an event of mutual friends while I was om holiday, and he's already booked tickets to come and see me in my country. It's absolutely amazing. I've even told him about your channel and how it's been helping me, haha! We'll see how it turns out, but we're both clear in what we want - peace. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the work you do. Thank you. Best xxxx
@jstanders6973 ❤️ Thank you for your support ❤️ it didn't. but it taught me a lot. stumbled into attachment theory while crying over the guy, and it's honestly a gold mine. Helped me so much to understand myself and the people around me better! Apparently, we were both fearful-avoidants (although he seemed more like an avoidant after I learned about the particular attachment styles) and devolved into the classical anxious-avoidant dance. It was painful, but I'm grateful to have learned about attachment theory. I also started group therapy with a psychiatrist shortly after meeting him (the group therapy was planned before I even met the guy), and thanks to therapy, attachment theory and the Personal Development School I've upped my Secure Attachment to almost 40%, I think it was somewhere in the 10%-20% before, and I can see changes in myself and how I relate to people. Kinder to myself, more content, in completely new ways. We had some magical times when we were together, moments i still remember. His energy and curiosity reminded me that I can, and want, foster my own curiousity and my wild side. The guy in question helped me with my poetry book, which helped me a lot when we were seeing each other, and which I'm still grateful for after the relationship ended. I work as a playwright, so I also took my emotions and my experiences with him and infused my work with that. So I've made money and art out of my pain - haha. One of the things that I'm also super happy about, is being open with my friends and family about what I was going through - when it was good, and when things went south. They offered me so much support that I was baffled. And I practiced accepting it. They made the difficult times so much more bearable. ❤️
@jstanders6973 a peculiar thing is that after writing the previous answer, my throat tightened. I think it's because I was mostly telling the good things about that period of time, when in fact, I was furious, frustrated and crying huge amounts of time. It really, really, really sucked. Felt like my heart was being ripped out. Perhaps this is a sign that I haven't done enough emotional or physical processing of that incident. Or perhaps I should just move on and not think about it 😂 I got a new community after that relationship, though, the community of Personal Development School. It's super supportive and we learn a lot from each other.
I had written off relationships then unexpectedly met an intriguing and kind man. Took it very slow, but was already smitten. Massive affinity with him but after 9 months of dating he ghosted. I strongly suspect he had undisclosed psychiatric problems. Heartbroken and I feel so foolish. Will I ever be able to do this right? 😪
Yes, you will. Keep learning. Keep working on YOU. Take your time and continue being willing to invest in yourself and your present and future happiness 🪺. You can do this. Take care 🌿.
I'm clear but I have the problem of falling in love with the person's potential self rather than recognize the self they promote. smh I hate being alone but I hate the drama more. I have trouble relating to the ''good'' ones. I just stay to myself now.
I've found myself alone for much longer than i had ever thought i would be.. but those lonely moments when i wish i had someone around to share life with quickly dissipates as the thought of being with someone who's ill-fitted with their unresolved baggage quickly puts a smile on my face... and i know that someone suitable will come along and if not, that's fine too =)
@@flyingfig12 i feel like i have lived on my own for so long that it would now be difficult to acclimate to a new relationship anyway. but i take care of a son who is not able to live on his own. most men see me as the one with baggage. lol
Sometimes just knowing what you *don't* want is a good start. I struggle with emotional attachement, as in it feels as though I'm incapable of it even if I want it. So I don't know what I want... I made a list of behaviour/red flags of things I do not want and it helps. The list isn't long but it covers a large base of red flags I never want in my life again : passive-agressive behaviours, apparent impatience and no capacity for introspection.
Glad you're here and healing. You can also try Anna's free Daily Practice. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Writing is part of the practice so you might find it helpful too bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
Asking questions about you and listening is also a red flag 🚩 as narcissists need this information in order to pretend you two have very similar interests!
Precisely.Also,any answers you give can be used against you at a later date. Best not to go too deep sharing intimate knowledge until you are sure the person is a healthy person free of narc traits.It's best for us to really listen to them as they always give themselves away eventually.
That's not a red flag lol. That's literally what you do when you date someone. Heck, even when you are just getting to know someone. Just because some narcissists ask questions and pretend to be interested in you doesn't mean that asking questions is in itself a red flag. 😂 There is no logic in that. That's like saying "all green flags are actually red flags because some narcissists can fake it."
Great video!!! It's so helpful to hear about what those GREEN LIGHTS actually look like. I wish I had seen a video like this in my early 20s. It could have helped steer me away from a lot of pain and heartache.
Ana your videos are of great value to so many. That being said, will you consider making one about the things to look for and look OUT for in FRIENDSHIPS? I've found myself mired in some horrible and abusive "friendships" over the years. I'm sure others who experience CPTSD endure the same sorts of relationships. Thank you and God bless you.
Anna, I'd love to see you addres some of the issues that confront older people, especially women. There are very few available and appropriate men who are not looking for much younger women. So, ultimately, the field is very narrow and unpopulated for us older women. As a resilt, I am looking for someone to date who may not check all the boxes, because why spend my last years completely alone, when I could have someone fun and not perfect in my life? You can learn new things about the world and yourself even in imperfect matches, I think.
I never knew. Never made lists of what i want or value. Just was. Needless to say most relationships were not good. At age 48 -49 figuring it all out. Self discovery journey. And i now have a list I am refining. 👌💕
Wow, I am so disgruntled that I needed this explained to me and I didn't intuitively know some of these things or follow them in the past (like, not hanging onto the hope of what it could be, rather looking at how do I feel while with them in the now). Wow, I'm seriously like - damn universe. I was really operating with a cloud over my eyes and brain. And then I forgive me b/c I didn't know any better. It wasn't my fault I grew up the way I did. It wasn't my fault i wasn't taught this before. I'm 37 and learning this now, but at least I'm learning. I'm so sorry, little you for what you had to go through. It wasn't your fault, you did the best with what you had. At least you're still alive to learn these things now. Sigh. Thank you for spelling it out Anna
You are so correct. I have never been clear on what I want. As a result, I constantly fall into a negative pattern of attracting undesirable relationships. It’s a harrowing experience every time I get into destructive relationships. Now, I’m really more aware of so much. You are phenomenal when it comes to your videos. Keep going.
Really happy to see a positive video with practical steps. I stopped to think through my interactions with a current crush (with whom I've shared my feelings - no secret obsessions!) and note the positive things I see in her. Gives me a framework for future interactions with others, too. Thank you!
I just found your channel today and have alreeady learned so much. My mother,a narcisist, was my abuser. It has taken so much to let go of that past but I”m getting there!
Super coincidental, that you post this just as I have gotten romantically involved with someone 😭😭😭 Bless you, your intuition must’ve know it’d be a good time to make this or somethin’ 😳
I like that you are not only magical (being a fairy🧚♀), you are also so smart, you know things from experience and then have the talent to express them systematically and elegantly. Thank you ♥ for your work.
(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). If a person wants a relationship with you they wud not want bad blood to exist between eu they will want to feel good again and they will want to occupy the same reality az eu and both their words and actions not just words will demonstrate that
Thank you, Anna! Great content. I think it may be good to point out that sometimes those of us with the best of intentions can get nervous around someone we like and talk all about ourselves, freeze up & not ask anything, or share too much. So… can it be good to give people multiple tries before writing them off? Or is that trying to crap-fit?
I am currently seeing someone who is closed as a clam emotionally but treats me with respect and is a "slow burn" with everything but sex. There are no bad vibes or drama, he is just slow to open up and I sense some tragedy or sadness maybe related to his family or possibly a previous BF.. Two wives, children, LOTS of water under the bridge but he's gay like me. (MORE gay than me in some ways despite having been married twice to women!,, LOL,). I am giving him time, but I have set an unspoken timeline before I have a talk with him and maybe end it. He is otherwise what I like and am seeking and I am trying to give him some time. We are all imperfect and most of us have been burned. I am not tossing this fish back into the sea yet, I am giving him time to trust, but there is a timeline, he just doesn't know that. As I am unable to have sex repeatedly with someone w/o starting to care and develop feelings I guess that will also be the end of a beautiful erotic connection. This stuff isn't easy...
I got all the green lights, commitment was clear, reassurance, etc, how ever when we moved in together control started to happened and problems with emotional abuse, addiction and no skills with coping mechanism happened. I felt for the hope the couples therapy meant change, at the end no only was no accountability but also the unwillingness to change. I hate , yes , i said hate, addictive behaviors.
Followup question though. Do you mean that people in healing shouldn't be in love relationships? Healing can take many many years, sometimes a lifetime. Thats sounds lonely, counterproductive to healing and a bit like punishment.
If you are fresh out of the same awful type of relationship you always find yourself in, putting a pause on dating while beginning some work is often really helpful :) -Cara@TeamFairy
I think one of the most important qualities is loving your neighbor as yourself! Also, being slow to anger and quick to forgive. Jesus taught these things. Emotional maturity is also on the top of the list. Also, being critically honest about their own character and hypocrisy. Empathy and compassion are important too ! A nasty ugly disposition is a big red flag !
I nearly always find your advice helpful but this video was one of the best! And it was one that I really needed at this time. Thank you for all you do! 🤗
My husband of ten years and I didn't check any of these.. we were such a mess. But we have both come a long way. We are still learning though. But then again; we both want to. Also for our daughter. As long as I can feel the motivation AND progress in both of us, I think we're doing okay. And I trust that. I don't know what is good enough in general, and I still find it difficult to discern sometimes wether it's my past or present wich causes me to feel a certain way; I might also put too much pressure on us to be happy all the time.. But I know that our kid is blossoming (finally) so I think we're doing okay as a family
I don't want to sound like Negative Nellie, but what about narcissist who do most of these as they are studying you, they're impulsive and turn nothing down... For a few months. My narc wanted kids. I told him I didn't. I continued in the relationship. What a crazy ride. We're married, separated 2 years with 2 young kids now. Never cared about me ultimately in the long run. Time is ultimately the biggest test!
Polyamory itself is likely a symptom of an attatchment disorder. Fixing your BPD or cPTSD will likely make functional relationships easier, and make longevity in relationships easier. Source: "Cuckolding and Troilism: definitions, relational and clinical contexts, emotional and sexual aspects, and neurobiological profiles. A complete review and investigation into the borderline forms of the relationship: Open Couples, Polygamy, Polyamory".
"Doesn't have an ex living in the basement " 🤣🤣...🥺 I've witnessed it unfortunately, but she was the ex in the basement. Also very narcissistic, glad I've grown so much by learning immensely from your videos. Thanks n gratitude allllways 🙏
Funny you mention the "green light" vs the red flags - I started doing this thing where I call out a "blue flag:" the last one I noticed was when I was calmly watching a bird on a branch one morning, for example. The guys I fall for are a series of blue flags, then suddenly I come out of my fog, notice all the green lights, and freak out. Someone here mentioned being taught to not feel entitled to want anything and I relate to that. Maybe if I collect enough blue flags the green lights might not startle me so much!
Thanks, I was wondering if you can talk about a mother wound specifically rejection from a mother , instead of relationship with men, I noticed I always attracted toxic female friends, even limerance idolizing a friend.. I know in way of I was searching for motherly figure in friend. TY🙏🏼☀️
Yes, I KNEW he was INTERESTED. However, yes I was drained on my giving out emotions but they have been emotionally unavailable. Talked about themselves yes. Said at the outset did not want a relationship right now, so I KNEW.
Meet in real life activities that you love. Look for green lights. Feeling attracted to each other and they show you they are attracted. They are not in another relationship. One of you suggested a get together sometime. Go as friends but no second date unless clear a date. 4. Demonstration of want to know about you? 5. Listen and understands you and get you. Make it clear of interest in you for a date. Open and honest , looking for a relationship, not drama or trauma in early relationship. Live near me. Treat you and everyone else with kindness and respect. Honest. Considerate with plans call when they say show up on time. How do you feel when your dating them.
What do I want to experience? I love to experience physical, mental, emotional needs, desires being met in ways that feels good, amazing and to me all Humans have physical, mental, emotional needs, desires, my perspective. Thank you for sharing. Much love to all physical, mental, emotional needs and desires 🌎 💕
I'm not even looking for one but I just love watching your videos. One never knows, though. These nuggets you dispense could prove to be useful in the future. Thank you for sharing these.
I think we are sometimes unwilling to get clear of what we want because we were taught not to "idealize" anything. Just try pulling the "perfect partner" talk in a group of people to watch how quickly everyone will make fun of you for having unreasonable demands. "Unreasonable demands" such as kindness, respect, loyalty and a decent grasp of hygiene lol
What they consider unrealistic is just expecting decent behavior. When I find myself painstakingly explaining why you don’t do things that hurt people, I know I’m on a fool’s errand.
Exactly, such a great point!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I was taught to idealize. I saw my mom put my angry step dad on a pedestal and as a severely codependent person, before recovery, I was in one sided relationships with abusive men but I had a fantasy of who they were and denied who they truly were. Denial was my biggest codependent behavior.
Right! And there’s a big difference between “perfect” and “perfect for me.”
@@stephanyhalo592 I felt sorry for them, while they were being merciless toward me, and for a long time, I really did think it was me. Then I thought about it. I don’t hurt people to get a reaction. I don’t lie about my feelings or my actions, or try to embarrass people in public. I have my partner’s back. Why would I settle for less than that from a partner?
1) you’re attracted to them, they show you they’re attracted to you.
2) they’re not dating anyone.
3) it’s clear that they want to go on a date. If its not a date, don’t go on a 2nd one.
4) they demonstrate an interest in getting to know you - they don’t just talk about themselves or anything besides you.
5) they listen to you, and they understand you.
6) they make their interest in dating you clear.
7) they’re open about themselves and what they’re looking for in a relationship.
8) are they logistically available? They don’t live long distance or are unavailable and you rarely see them.
9) they treat you and others with kindness.
10) they’re honest.
11) they’re considerate when making plans with you.
12) you feel good and uplifted when you’re dating them, like a better version of yourself.
Thank you for this recap! Hahaha I came on comments because I knew someone had to have given the glance version in bullet points! Hahaha 👍🏼👍🏼
@@Downstream33 I missed 4 because I didn’t finish the video, but they’re all there now! I always check for a recap :)
The 12 is the most difficult to find
Number 1 seems to be the hardest. You cannot make yourself be attracted to someone. It can grow over time, but many people won't take the time.
Thanks for the Cliff Notes!
People will forget what you said, what you did, but they'll never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou.
I would add a number 13. How do you feel AFTER they leave when you shared time and activities. Sometimes the biggest moments of clarity whether the other is a great match arrive once I’m back in my own energetic space. If I suddenly feel a drop in energy and depleted then it’s a red flag.
I agree. This has been my go to technique as I struggle to understand how I feel about somebody when I am with them.
So true. The 5th point however somehow involves this, I‘d say. If you feel heard/Seen by a Person and they really understand you, it is quite the opposite of an energy vampire
Be careful of the love bombing. Just because someone is nice doesn't mean they are a good person. Anyone can be nice for 10 minutes. Take the time to know a person and always listen. If you let someone talk long enough they'll show themselves. Don't rush into a relationship, take it slow. No matter the situations or what happens, choose peace. Nothing is worth losing peace for so protect your peace.
True Peace need no protection.
Love needs to protection nor defense, only fear does.
Om Shanti Om
@@JonasAnandaKristianssonyeah ok
If you hang around and study a man's behaviour long enough, any mask he is wearing will be lifted and you will see h is true colours and what he's really all about, which he may have previously tried to hide behind a fake facade. If you are perceptive and mentally sharp, you will spot his flaws mediately but it takes time to be sure. Of course, a few minor character flaws is no valid reason to dump him. Depends on how serious his flaws and what your own values are. Eg I can tolerate an honest, sincere but not brilliant guy who tries his best. But I would never tolerate a liar, cheat, user, deceiver type. I am not that way myself, so do not tolerate it from men. I can tolerate a bit of excessive out of control male behaviour, ranting and raving as some men do, as I had a father like that. But if it begins to threaten my own safety and security,sanity, peace of mind etc too, I simply cannot continue and cut him off. much
Love that
. Nothing is worth losing peace for so protect your peace. So wise.
“they want to know about you” is the biggest one to me… everyone i’ve dated has been the type to never ask me anything about myself.. and when i shared about myself - the type to breeze past it and then start talking about themself again.
i tend to get excited about people before i get to know them at all, but now the easiest way for me to gauge whether someone is a good match is if they ask me questions about myself. it’s simple and effective haha
Yes, good one. ❤
Hint : be careful of people who want to know you to use it later for push your buttons or attack you. 😮
In my previous relationship, I had to ask him to ask about me… also ask him to check in with me like “how are you? What have you eaten?” I felt so annoying to have to ask such bare minimum things ugh!
Saaaame I only had one partner who was ever interested in me by asking questions and its a massive love language because I feel like I'm always the one asking
I remember watching Happy Days as a little kid. One of the characters - maybe Fonzi - had a list of traits he was looking for in a girl. I don't remember my comment. But my mother was instantly irritated with me and said, "who do you think you are to make a list? You're certainly not perfect. You'll be lucky to find anyone who even likes you." This was said to me even though I did everything I could to make her happy. She gave me the impression that only ppl who thought they were better than everyone else could ask for what they wanted. The rest of us should accept whatever was offered and be happy about it.
Here I am decades later making a list. :)
A lot of people have a hard time making that list because of experiences just like that!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Love to you
I don't know if your parents were same gen as mine but could someone please just say it? Post- WW2 parents were enchanted with materialism and money but their parenting skills sucked and they were focused on money and materialism. The hippies were right about that much. Your mom sounds like a negative person like mine was. They brought up kids like squirrels, not like developing humans. Not all, of course, but very common, I suspect a lot of Anna's patrons and fans on this forum are the babies of WW2 parents.
My Dad was like that and would say when I was just 8 or 9 years old: You'll probably never find the right person. He had ongoing negative tapes of all kinds he projected on to me.
Good on you!! Mad respect!! You deserve good ( within reason ofcourse) on everything on that list ❤
Greenlights is a great book.
One big, important, critical green light that the guy I’m currently dating does is that he respects my boundaries. I set the pace. He doesn’t mind that I “put on the brakes” because he tells me that he respects me. And he always acts in accordance with what he says. I’ve always dated guys who disrespected me (stood me up, saw my boundaries as a red flag, put me down, love bombed and withheld if I did something they didn’t like) and this is so different. It even highlighted the ways in which I was dysfunctional (insecure, jumped to conclusions/rumination/doom thinking) and because he knows I have a terrible dating history (as did he), he and I are patient enough to work through it together. It’s a little foreign, but it’s great.
Great job!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am having a similar experience, and have had a similar past. There's green lights everywhere just my attraction towards him seems to me more of a slow burn rather than the obsessive chemisty of the past. I'm hoping my attraction will continue to grow towards him.
This is a brilliant one. Some of the original ones could be red flags if they’re overdone. But someone who is lovebombing you almost always fails to respect your boundaries at some stage!!!
@@nicksyb5920 ...or just goes from hot to cold with no warning, like one man did. He never compromised my boundaries (those long, lingering hugs never bothered me, at least not with _him)_, but he turned cold on me and when I wrote a letter to him telling him I felt hurt and asking what I did and saying I cared about him and stuff, he went to a mutual friend and told her I was "obsessed with him" and she took his side, eventually resulting in a falling out with both of them.
At least she saw his true colors eventually, and she and I later patched things up (after almost 2 years of silence between her and me because I wouldn't speak to her anymore). She's my next door neighbor, and we are friends to this day but he's out of the picture. Just as well.
Always go slow... Character takes time to feret out
I'm 69. Just got kicked to the curb 6 months ago, no notice given. Wonder if I'll laugh again someday, trust again. Stop feeling ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated by that relationship. You know what's nice about pets? They let you love them. It's just that simple. It's me and the cats now. It will have to be enough.
The manipulators are really good at the "who are you'' part, so you still have to be careful.
"Worry not that no one knows you, seek to be worth knowing." -Confucius
Be happy. People are attracted to happy people. Other people will not make you happy.
"Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” - Bob Marley.
The guy I just dated the last 3 months displayed all of these qualities, but almost over-the-top in some ways. Asked so many questions about me. Asked the waiter’s name when we were out. Always confirmed plans ahead of time, updated when late…etc. AND he also love bombed me. Future-faked me. Was too good to be true until he ended things suddenly. Another narcissist.
Same! He claims I helped him leave a bad marriage and he has never loved anyone the way he loves me but all the cloak & dager crap about what was going on with the divorce was just too much for me to bare😞
1st thing: make sure he is emotionally available!
I just finished listening to this video twice and then I left the house on errands. Within minutes an attractive man got out of his car in a parking lot to tell me he was single and was very interested in taking me for coffee, and asked if I was available too. I drove away laughing out loud and I’m still smiling hours later. I’m intent on doing relationships right from now on, and I thank you so much Anna for what you do!
I'm happy for you, that's wonderful 😊
Hilarious!
-Cara@TeamFairy
😆🤣 How fabulous! And funny! He "got" your vibe through the car!
What did you tell the guy though? ;-)
We need the continuation of this story!!
I've accepted the wrong partner all my life which has always left me wanting.
At 58 I've finally met someone the checks all the boxes.
It's a numbers game.
I’m so pleased for you 🌺
I am 28 and I have been told I have already ruined all my chances ! But I am glad for you ! ❤️
These are really basic requirements yet far too many MARRIED men think they’ve a right to pursue single women. As if we need their marital drama in our lives?!?
Ambiguity is also a major turn-off
I'd say if they just got out or divorced... Keep away from those people. They have not healed and are emotionally unavailable and have tonnes of baggage.
I think, as I got older I became so picky ( because I always had partners who were really bad for me) that being a single woman with a cat is the best thing for me to do. 😆
So why not go to a cat convention of there is such a thing or offer to cat-sit for others? might be a start. Lots of men who love cats! Sometimes we just have to TRY and put ourselves out there; isolation will not help us met anyone. Watch more Anna if u can, she does not advocate isolation .Not being critical but there is a sad aura of surrender to your comment.
I want a cat so badly.
Totally agree. My therapist suggested I make a list of needs I have in relationships when I was in the middle of deciding whether to break up with my ex and it has been a total game changer for me. It is so good for codependents, people pleasers and those with low self worth ( poor boundaries) to make explicit to themselves what their needs and standards are and WHY. That reflecting on the why part especially allows you to stick to your boundaries and not invalidate yourself. A major why I often list is “I offer this and I don’t deserve less than I give”.
I’m at a point in my life now that I actually have on my list of needs that a potential partner would also have self aware standards of compatibility for their relationships. Because that means someone has put thought into who they are and what makes a relationship really work for them. They’re looking out for long term compatibility and the emotional safety of both parties. There’s just a maturity to that vs feeling needy/ lonely and entering a relationship with someone for more shallow reasons and just seeing where it goes (most likely badly). And yes that’s how you lose years of your life to misery trying to make something incompatible work.
Thanks for sharing this experience.
-Cara@TeamFairy
"The emotional safety of both partners." Yes!!
The men I meet at my age, 65, all seem to be even more damaged than I am, but totally unaware. So sad. I can see it clearly and I'm kind but firm.
Best advice I ever heard - make yourself the kind of person you r looking for. Stops lots of fantasizing
Usually narcissists and sociopaths will check all these boxes and more. Mine kept his mask on for 3 years and it only began slipping after we got married. Until then he was the perfect boyfriend and fiancé. Any tips on how to bring out the hidden red flags?
The narcissists I know tend to love bomb people and rush into intimacy by oversharing early on.
How they treat others that they feel Inferior to them.
How they perceive their family members.
I too have been with a narcissist. But I reckon there were indicators of his selfishness and bad temper early on. I dismissed them because he was incredibly good-looking and I was infatuated.
My thoughts exactly narcissistic people are wonderful actors
🥰 Really nice to hear positive things to look for rather than focusing too much on what to avoid x
That's exactly what I was thinking!
I agree! This is so helpful! My partner had all of these signs but I have a kid and he does not want a kid. So soul-crushing to let go but I realized it’s a deal breaker. I really want to be a family.
Agreed, this perspective is refreshing. Everyone seems "boxed in" with being so busy identifying red flags to the point of it being "toxic". Employing "green light" perspective gives us a fair and unbiased judgment and helps to steer us away from trauma based discernment.
I don’t feel that anybody really gets me, and I find it hard to get to know people beyond a superficial level, and it’s almost always a no. Which I can’t really control. I only have trauma in my past. Can’t help that either.
As a retired therapist, I think Anna is on the beam.
BTW, the following is total hearsay and just my experience: if you are curious about how someone is going to treat you in future in the relationship; find a way to go to a restaurant with them. Everything about that experience is exactly what it's going to be like as long as you're together, especially sex. If he picks a lousy restaurant, is rude to waiters, wolfs down his food then gets impatient while you eat, 'hates' too many types of food, drinks too much, picks at his food or takes forever to order, -and- watch the good habits they display also, are they generous, know their wine list, got a good table, etc? -might outweigh the rest. It's a bit of urban folklore maybe, I can tell you that every single bf I had plus my ex lived true to this system. Don't cook them dinner or vice versa because they will act differently as a guest or on their own turf, something about restaurants brings out this telling behavior. I know this sounds overly simple but just try it.
I needed you literally 50 years ago. You're doing great work. Best wishes
i've been burned so many times i don't even know if i want a relationship. i have a happy life right now. i love my life! i think that the right partner could enhance it, but i've been burned so many times that i am not convinced yet that there will be a mutual attraction with someone who ticks all the boxes for me...and i know how the wrong partner can eff things up.
I would continue loving your life and then if someone who could enhance it comes along, you could give it a go.
If it doesn’t work, know when to let it go.
Oh my word, one guy I had feelings for told me "you never gave [this other guy] a chance," and after I had moved and he was no longer around, I got involved with and almost married someone I was not attracted to nor in love with because I figured I'd be wrong "not to give him a chance." I was afraid to so much as go out to dinner with someone else who seemed interested in me, because he looked like he was looking for a marriage partner and hoping to marry sooner than later! I just had this feeling that if I started something or so much as accepted his invitation to have dinner with him, I would be under tremendous pressure to get serious with and marry him with very little courtship or chance to get to know him and know for sure. I'm almost 50 and never been married because it was either rejection (by someone I was attracted to), or too much pressure prematurely (by someone I wasn't).
~sigh
Oh. My. Goodness. My person actually had an ex in the basement! They didn't lie about it, but then I found out they still have a joint bank account... And I was wondering why I was feeling so awful about my situation. Which I ended. But I'm still really, really sad about.
I'm sure you are sad about it, glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I look for empathy and love of animals.
The Most crucial Part is you have to become the Person with all the green lights you would like to date. Like attracts like.
Absolutely!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This was lovely to hear, especially as someone who feels ready to put themselves out there again after several years of healing on my own ☺️ I also liked how you talked about someone who was leaking out heavy emotional stuff early on, and that they might be in healing mode, simply not ready for a relationship. No added shame or harsh judgment there. I felt so much regret about doing this in the past. It hurt hearing people mention ‘crazy people who talk about their exes’. I was trying my best, still processing and healing. I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but I didn’t know that then. It’s okay. We are still worthy of kindness and respect.
I also liked hearing it be put in terms of "healing mode", because I realized I've done that, too. It's okay to not be ready and still be processing. As long as the other person doesn't take advantage of it.
I’m turning my relationship cab light on… for the first time in decades. Maybe just for one hour a day to start lol so grateful for you… I’m learning so much. I’ve already made positive changes in regards to friend relationships where I was accepting mere “crumbs” of respect or connection
I needed this information decades ago. My adoptive mom actually once told me "sometimes you have to settle." I'd look at her and my adoptive dad's relationship and wonder which one settled... These days I keep myself behind the glass with the valuables,as they say. I wasted so many years on losers and liars. I feel better about myself now more than ever, and it's the single life for me. I'm too old for all that "getting to know you" chit chat. I have a full and busy life... I sure do appreciate all the insights here, even late in life.
"Getting to decide what you want"...
Right?!?!?
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’ve always thought that finding a widower who had a prior loving marriage (and only one) would be the safest way to go.
I grew up in a dysfunctional home and had a lot of childhood trauma. I married a terrible person very young who is completely toxic and dysfunctional, even to this day. We are divorced. As I got older, I understood the reason I was attracted to dysfunction was because that's what I thought was normal. My 70 year old parents still can't stand each other, but they live together. This is why I've never remarried or become serious with anyone since my twenties. I've never had a healthy role model in the area of relationships. It's sad, because I know I deserve to be loved and have a good, healthy relationship, but it's like, "relationship birth control' watching my parents argue and call each other names anytime I'm around (it's a lot). Ugh. 😥
I can relate to your story and experiences in so many ways.
@@trueasianmensch I'm sorry. It can be stressful and isn't something we should have had to go through. I tell my son this all of the time.
@@M.L._l97 Nothing to be sorry about. Sometimes people are more comfortable in family dynamics and settings that are full of chaos, conflict, hostility, nonsense, and drama. While paradoxically, they feel uncomfortable, uneasy, and anxious when there is peace and you are not interested in engaging in the constant drama and conflict.
Keep your distance from parents and continue doing the work. If you stay in that space you will not meet anyone good for you. Change the mind set as best you can.
A helpful reminder that this is the kind of partner we ourselves have to be before we go around choosing these in others.
Another great video. I personally will not ever get online again. As someone with trauma, I developed codependency and love addiction. I attract enough narcissists in real life.
I think online dating can be very dangerous for someone who can’t be alone. It’s full of too many predators.
When we fully love and accept ourselves, we have the boundaries to move on quickly.
Matt Hussey says you have to trust yourself. Maybe you can’t trust the other person, but as long as your willing to walk away when there’s a red flag rather than rationalize it, then you’re good to go.
I am a marriage counselor and relationship coach, and I'd say that Anna gives very good and detailed advise. Thanks for providing this service. It is especially important for folks who can't afford a therapist or can't get an appointment right away.
Yes!❤
Could it turn out that he’s the love of your life - or an axe murderer?
I’d be smiling too; it’s flattering. And some men are known to have walked with a friend into a party, pointed out a woman, said “I’m going to marry her” and they do.
However, this is rare.
It’s worth meeting your newfound admirer in a public place for a coffee or to ask if he’d like to meet you at Lowe’s, and during your time together try to get a fix on whether he’s sane - although it sometimes takes 3-5 meetings until the crazy part shows through.
I was the victim of a stalker for 14 years. I met him when I parked my car next to the UCLA campus. 90-minute coffee by the next day turned into an ofttime nightmare.
Then there was the time more recently when a handsome, sweet stranger approached me where I was doing my afternoon street cat feeding. He said “I’ve been parking and watching you a few times performing this act of kindness and I wanted to finally meet you. Can I help you?”
Wow. Someone who gets me.
Then a week later he stopped by again. On our third meeting he asked in a roundabout way if I’d be interested in going out with him.
Issue: a big age difference. In other words it was unlikely that this would go anywhere. And who knows: Maybe he even had a Mommy Complex. What I did know is that I am very happy being alone so why suddenly rock the boat?
Go out with with your stranger. Enjoy the experience. Maybe it’ll be a click but likely not. See if he “gets” you and whether he has good manners (he holds your chair and pays the bill). Do not get in his car because then all of us might have to go looking for you, God forbid!
Use your intuition
And let us know what happened.
OMG I've been a walking red flag LMAO ...at times. This taught me SO much and there's been times I've turned people down, but later acted that way myself to another person. Strange yet I'm extremely happy to learn and know better now. Thank you for this.
I'm glad it helped!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I haven’t dated since my husband passed because I don’t want drama in my life. My past relationships have been the whole list of trauma choices you mentioned in another video. I’m wanting to date & find a good guy, but too exhausted for drama, Lies or unfaithfulness.
Anna has many vids about dating and avoid the drama queens and and kings.
Come to think about it.... my crush has never asked anything about me. 🤔
@Monae Break I would call that a red flag.... 😉 Keep your options open!
Last year i met someone on holidays, it was infatuation but i didn't know then.. I remember being so curious about him but he never cared to ask me question about my life. All that matter to him was how can I help him build his website (i told him i will make it for him because I wanted him to see me as a good girl 🤡) after 1 month i started to notice his true color, he was a narcissist and i was a codependent woman.
Bottom line, if they aren't curious about your life, ditch them. Don't waste your time for people who don't care about your life, your dreams, your passion 🙏
I really appreciate this video. As a guy I don't think I was often encouraged to think about greenlights in potential partners. Gonna use this to hopefully help keep myself on track and avoiding unhealthy infatuation.
Just broke things off with my ex recently who’s a vulnerable narcissist and man upon ending things with her I made the realization that pretty much all my previous partners were just like her, I tend to attract abusive women into my life. I’m a good man but I couldn’t understand why Iwould do this to myself unconsciously
maybe be honest about what your mom was like?
Sorry to hear about that. There's a good book called "the human magnet syndrome" by Ross Rosenberg, which may explain (not advertisement, I read the book due to own problems attracting narcicissts and maybe it could be helpful to you too).
@@Allaboutbaby24 hey thank you for the suggestion, I’ll check it out! Thanks! Lately I’ve bought a few books from psychologists on here that talk about adult children of narcissistic parents and the relationships we tend to gravitate towards as adults that have helped me a lot. One is by Jay Reid (who has a wonderful channel here) his book in scapegoats is an invaluable resource same with other s I can mention in case you’re interested
I wish someone told me about these things when I was younger. My whole life would have been different!
I understand that feeling!
-Cara@TeamFairy
When is the right time to let people in emotionally? If I have had a history of oversharing too soon, what are the correct boundaries to have? Could you possibly do a video on this?
Loving these videos; more about how to navigate early dating, how to not self-sabotage, how to accept love, signs to look for etc.,
I’d like to add another one:
Listen to what their friends and family say about them
Good one!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Unless their friends are their flying monkeys....@@CrappyChildhoodFairy
Sign 2 - only if people are being honest. I have seen people lying bluntly on you face and only later to break your trust n heart
I had a hard time knowing how I felt in dating situations because I couldn’t trust my feelings. I’d feel over the moon about someone who wasn’t actually that into me, because I had no gauge of what it felt like to have someone actually like me. Plus I assumed if someone actually liked me and showed it there must be something wrong with them. Sadly, when I was still in the middle of my dysfunctional family abuse, I was kind of right.
Dear Anna. I've watched your videos for a while now, and just started with the Daily Practice. It's so helpful. And you know what just happened, after I started to take care of myself and my condition? I met an attractive, smart man who's attracted to me, who's attentive, who's made clear what he wants - a partner, and who's pursuing me as much as I am pursuing him. We've been on dates, discussed our expectations, and he also showed me a list of what he wants in a partnership, which I found profound and beautiful and totally agreed with. I even took your advice on being clear about what I wanted - a marriage - and it didn't scare him off. I was so scared to tell him, but remembered your advice on being clear, and did. And it didn't scare him. We met through an event of mutual friends while I was om holiday, and he's already booked tickets to come and see me in my country. It's absolutely amazing. I've even told him about your channel and how it's been helping me, haha! We'll see how it turns out, but we're both clear in what we want - peace. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the work you do. Thank you. Best xxxx
Keep up the Daily Practice and thank you so much for sharing your progress :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Oh good luck Daria, I'm happy for you 🌼 Hoped it all worked out...
@jstanders6973 ❤️ Thank you for your support ❤️ it didn't. but it taught me a lot. stumbled into attachment theory while crying over the guy, and it's honestly a gold mine. Helped me so much to understand myself and the people around me better! Apparently, we were both fearful-avoidants (although he seemed more like an avoidant after I learned about the particular attachment styles) and devolved into the classical anxious-avoidant dance. It was painful, but I'm grateful to have learned about attachment theory. I also started group therapy with a psychiatrist shortly after meeting him (the group therapy was planned before I even met the guy), and thanks to therapy, attachment theory and the Personal Development School I've upped my Secure Attachment to almost 40%, I think it was somewhere in the 10%-20% before, and I can see changes in myself and how I relate to people. Kinder to myself, more content, in completely new ways.
We had some magical times when we were together, moments i still remember. His energy and curiosity reminded me that I can, and want, foster my own curiousity and my wild side. The guy in question helped me with my poetry book, which helped me a lot when we were seeing each other, and which I'm still grateful for after the relationship ended.
I work as a playwright, so I also took my emotions and my experiences with him and infused my work with that. So I've made money and art out of my pain - haha. One of the things that I'm also super happy about, is being open with my friends and family about what I was going through - when it was good, and when things went south. They offered me so much support that I was baffled. And I practiced accepting it. They made the difficult times so much more bearable. ❤️
@jstanders6973 a peculiar thing is that after writing the previous answer, my throat tightened. I think it's because I was mostly telling the good things about that period of time, when in fact, I was furious, frustrated and crying huge amounts of time. It really, really, really sucked. Felt like my heart was being ripped out. Perhaps this is a sign that I haven't done enough emotional or physical processing of that incident. Or perhaps I should just move on and not think about it 😂 I got a new community after that relationship, though, the community of Personal Development School. It's super supportive and we learn a lot from each other.
@@dariaglenter1658in a way, it worked out.
You can keep your eyes and heart open for someone more secure in his attachment.
I wish you the best.
I had written off relationships then unexpectedly met an intriguing and kind man. Took it very slow, but was already smitten. Massive affinity with him but after 9 months of dating he ghosted. I strongly suspect he had undisclosed psychiatric problems. Heartbroken and I feel so foolish. Will I ever be able to do this right? 😪
Yes, you will.
Keep learning. Keep working on YOU. Take your time and continue being willing to invest in yourself and your present and future happiness 🪺. You can do this.
Take care 🌿.
Ooouch!!! So sorry to hear that! Must have been so painful.
I'm clear but I have the problem of falling in love with the person's potential self rather than recognize the self they promote. smh I hate being alone but I hate the drama more. I have trouble relating to the ''good'' ones. I just stay to myself now.
I've found myself alone for much longer than i had ever thought i would be.. but those lonely moments when i wish i had someone around to share life with quickly dissipates as the thought of being with someone who's ill-fitted with their unresolved baggage quickly puts a smile on my face... and i know that someone suitable will come along and if not, that's fine too =)
@@flyingfig12 i feel like i have lived on my own for so long that it would now be difficult to acclimate to a new relationship anyway. but i take care of a son who is not able to live on his own. most men see me as the one with baggage. lol
@dawn Maybe you would benefit from work with a therapist to find out why you're not able to relate to the "good" ones.... 🤔
@@dawnmelton3013 Trust me, dawn--everybody over the age of 15 has "baggage". When the right person comes along they won't notice your baggage.... 🙂
@@bwenluck9812 thank you for the encouragement!
See, this is what I need, a manual with step by step instructions, so to speak. Keep it coming, we need this.
I think we all do.
We live in a very dysfunctional society and that is mostly what we pass on.
I'd like to see a study on plants. If a person can keep plants alive are they a better partner?
That's funny. I can't actually keep a plant alive but I hope I'm a good partner these days :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I love how there are more videos on helping navigating relationships and positive aspects it makes me feel more confident in my recent decisions.
Sometimes just knowing what you *don't* want is a good start. I struggle with emotional attachement, as in it feels as though I'm incapable of it even if I want it. So I don't know what I want... I made a list of behaviour/red flags of things I do not want and it helps. The list isn't long but it covers a large base of red flags I never want in my life again : passive-agressive behaviours, apparent impatience and no capacity for introspection.
Glad you're here and healing. You can also try Anna's free Daily Practice. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Writing is part of the practice so you might find it helpful too bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
Asking questions about you and listening is also a red flag 🚩 as narcissists need this information in order to pretend you two have very similar interests!
Uhg 🤦♀️ Lord Jesus help us!
Precisely.Also,any answers you give can be used against you at a later date. Best not to go too deep sharing intimate knowledge until you are sure the person is a healthy person free of narc traits.It's best for us to really listen to them as they always give themselves away eventually.
That's not a red flag lol. That's literally what you do when you date someone. Heck, even when you are just getting to know someone. Just because some narcissists ask questions and pretend to be interested in you doesn't mean that asking questions is in itself a red flag. 😂 There is no logic in that. That's like saying "all green flags are actually red flags because some narcissists can fake it."
Great video!!! It's so helpful to hear about what those GREEN LIGHTS actually look like. I wish I had seen a video like this in my early 20s. It could have helped steer me away from a lot of pain and heartache.
Glad you liked it!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Ana your videos are of great value to so many. That being said, will you consider making one about the things to look for and look OUT for in FRIENDSHIPS? I've found myself mired in some horrible and abusive "friendships" over the years. I'm sure others who experience CPTSD endure the same sorts of relationships. Thank you and God bless you.
Will do.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you so much. You are a gift to so many in need. Bless you.
I think this is such a spot on video. I’m married 10 years this year and would say a lot of the same things about meeting a potential mate!
Congratulations!
-Cara@TeamFairy
The road map to what to look for is positive and you focused on that.
i think the only way i could even attempt it rn is to go super slow and test the waters every step of the way.
Anna, I'd love to see you addres some of the issues that confront older people, especially women. There are very few available and appropriate men who are not looking for much younger women. So, ultimately, the field is very narrow and unpopulated for us older women. As a resilt, I am looking for someone to date who may not check all the boxes, because why spend my last years completely alone, when I could have someone fun and not perfect in my life? You can learn new things about the world and yourself even in imperfect matches, I think.
I've noted your topic request :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
NOY33- I agree! You can still enjoy your time with someone 😊
I never knew. Never made lists of what i want or value. Just was. Needless to say most relationships were not good. At age 48 -49 figuring it all out. Self discovery journey. And i now have a list I am refining. 👌💕
Amazing! We're rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Wow, I am so disgruntled that I needed this explained to me and I didn't intuitively know some of these things or follow them in the past (like, not hanging onto the hope of what it could be, rather looking at how do I feel while with them in the now). Wow, I'm seriously like - damn universe. I was really operating with a cloud over my eyes and brain. And then I forgive me b/c I didn't know any better. It wasn't my fault I grew up the way I did. It wasn't my fault i wasn't taught this before. I'm 37 and learning this now, but at least I'm learning. I'm so sorry, little you for what you had to go through. It wasn't your fault, you did the best with what you had. At least you're still alive to learn these things now. Sigh. Thank you for spelling it out Anna
Though narcs show the green lights in the beginning! It is so green...
This is a complete non sequitur but FAIRY, YOUR Hair IS LOOKING FABULOUS!!
You are so correct. I have never been clear on what I want. As a result, I constantly fall into a negative pattern of attracting undesirable relationships. It’s a harrowing experience every time I get into destructive relationships. Now, I’m really more aware of so much. You are phenomenal when it comes to your videos. Keep going.
Really happy to see a positive video with practical steps. I stopped to think through my interactions with a current crush (with whom I've shared my feelings - no secret obsessions!) and note the positive things I see in her. Gives me a framework for future interactions with others, too. Thank you!
Excellent!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I just found your channel today and have alreeady learned so much. My mother,a narcisist, was my abuser. It has taken so much to let go of that past but I”m getting there!
Excellent!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Super coincidental, that you post this just as I have gotten romantically involved with someone 😭😭😭 Bless you, your intuition must’ve know it’d be a good time to make this or somethin’ 😳
I like that you are not only magical (being a fairy🧚♀), you are also so smart, you know things from experience and then have the talent to express them systematically and elegantly. Thank you ♥ for your work.
(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). If a person wants a relationship with you they wud not want bad blood to exist between eu they will want to feel good again and they will want to occupy the same reality az eu and both their words and actions not just words will demonstrate that
Your videos have been freakishly personal for me lately
Ah!! Such a timely post!! Anna, if I could hug you, I would… 🤗
🤗🤗💫💚🙏🌟
Thank you, Anna! Great content.
I think it may be good to point out that sometimes those of us with the best of intentions can get nervous around someone we like and talk all about ourselves, freeze up & not ask anything, or share too much. So… can it be good to give people multiple tries before writing them off? Or is that trying to crap-fit?
This is so true. I have been on both side's. I do believe. We have to be patient with our selves as well as with others🦋
I am currently seeing someone who is closed as a clam emotionally but treats me with respect and is a "slow burn" with everything but sex. There are no bad vibes or drama, he is just slow to open up and I sense some tragedy or sadness maybe related to his family or possibly a previous BF.. Two wives, children, LOTS of water under the bridge but he's gay like me. (MORE gay than me in some ways despite having been married twice to women!,, LOL,). I am giving him time, but I have set an unspoken timeline before I have a talk with him and maybe end it. He is otherwise what I like and am seeking and I am trying to give him some time. We are all imperfect and most of us have been burned. I am not tossing this fish back into the sea yet, I am giving him time to trust, but there is a timeline, he just doesn't know that. As I am unable to have sex repeatedly with someone w/o starting to care and develop feelings I guess that will also be the end of a beautiful erotic connection. This stuff isn't easy...
~Well, i caught him in 2 lies in less than 6 weeks~Honesty is sooo important to me~I even told him that bummed me out~(sigh)~
I got all the green lights, commitment was clear, reassurance, etc, how ever when we moved in together control started to happened and problems with emotional abuse, addiction and no skills with coping mechanism happened. I felt for the hope the couples therapy meant change, at the end no only was no accountability but also the unwillingness to change. I hate , yes , i said hate, addictive behaviors.
I feel for you, thanks for sharing.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Love the list of positive signs. Such great reminders!
Glad you like them!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hello Teresa how are you doing today How's everything going?
Followup question though. Do you mean that people in healing shouldn't be in love relationships? Healing can take many many years, sometimes a lifetime. Thats sounds lonely, counterproductive to healing and a bit like punishment.
If you are fresh out of the same awful type of relationship you always find yourself in, putting a pause on dating while beginning some work is often really helpful :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Ok, thank you for clarifying!
I think one of the most important qualities is loving your neighbor as yourself! Also, being slow to anger and quick to forgive. Jesus taught these things. Emotional maturity is also on the top of the list. Also, being critically honest about their own character and hypocrisy. Empathy and compassion are important too ! A nasty ugly disposition is a big red flag !
I nearly always find your advice helpful but this video was one of the best! And it was one that I really needed at this time. Thank you for all you do! 🤗
My husband of ten years and I didn't check any of these.. we were such a mess. But we have both come a long way. We are still learning though. But then again; we both want to. Also for our daughter. As long as I can feel the motivation AND progress in both of us, I think we're doing okay. And I trust that. I don't know what is good enough in general, and I still find it difficult to discern sometimes wether it's my past or present wich causes me to feel a certain way; I might also put too much pressure on us to be happy all the time.. But I know that our kid is blossoming (finally) so I think we're doing okay as a family
I don't want to sound like Negative Nellie, but what about narcissist who do most of these as they are studying you, they're impulsive and turn nothing down... For a few months. My narc wanted kids. I told him I didn't. I continued in the relationship. What a crazy ride. We're married, separated 2 years with 2 young kids now. Never cared about me ultimately in the long run. Time is ultimately the biggest test!
Hi person with cptsd here tarot has helped changed my life taught me boundaries and you decide what I want and don't want
Dang...I've been sitting around in nervous limbo lol. I think this was the kick I needed, thank you.
You got this! -Calista@TeamFairy
I really appreciate the candid, brief, practical aspects of it. I’d love to hear a video like this in regards to polyamorous folks.
Polyamory itself is likely a symptom of an attatchment disorder.
Fixing your BPD or cPTSD will likely make functional relationships easier, and make longevity in relationships easier.
Source: "Cuckolding and Troilism: definitions, relational and clinical contexts, emotional
and sexual aspects, and neurobiological profiles.
A complete review and investigation into the borderline forms of the
relationship: Open Couples, Polygamy, Polyamory".
@@DockClock-rp2ro Interesting perspective that Polyamorous is the manifestation a disorder.
"Doesn't have an ex living in the basement " 🤣🤣...🥺 I've witnessed it unfortunately, but she was the ex in the basement. Also very narcissistic, glad I've grown so much by learning immensely from your videos. Thanks n gratitude allllways 🙏
Love this message. Thank you. It reminds me to live my life. YES to getting green lights! 😇
Funny you mention the "green light" vs the red flags - I started doing this thing where I call out a "blue flag:" the last one I noticed was when I was calmly watching a bird on a branch one morning, for example.
The guys I fall for are a series of blue flags, then suddenly I come out of my fog, notice all the green lights, and freak out. Someone here mentioned being taught to not feel entitled to want anything and I relate to that. Maybe if I collect enough blue flags the green lights might not startle me so much!
Thanks, I was wondering if you can talk about a mother wound specifically rejection from a mother , instead of relationship with men, I noticed I always attracted toxic female friends, even limerance idolizing a friend.. I know in way of I was searching for motherly figure in friend. TY🙏🏼☀️
Yes, I KNEW he was INTERESTED. However, yes I was drained on my giving out emotions but they have been emotionally unavailable. Talked about themselves yes. Said at the outset did not want a relationship right now, so I KNEW.
Yes I agree about someone who you are interested in you.
Hello Margaret how are you doing today How's everything going?
@@davidwo2284 I’m good how are you going?
@@margaretcampbell2681 my name is David Greg I'm originally from Norway but currently living in Miami Florida what about you?
@@margaretcampbell2681 hi 👋
Meet in real life activities that you love. Look for green lights. Feeling attracted to each other and they show you they are attracted. They are not in another relationship. One of you suggested a get together sometime. Go as friends but no second date unless clear a date. 4. Demonstration of want to know about you? 5. Listen and understands you and get you. Make it clear of interest in you for a date. Open and honest , looking for a relationship, not drama or trauma in early relationship. Live near me. Treat you and everyone else with kindness and respect. Honest. Considerate with plans call when they say show up on time. How do you feel when your dating them.
What do I want to experience? I love to experience physical, mental, emotional needs, desires being met in ways that feels good, amazing and to me all Humans have physical, mental, emotional needs, desires, my perspective. Thank you for sharing. Much love to all physical, mental, emotional needs and desires 🌎 💕
this was a great video. so funny how such basic info is forgotten after so much trauma. :) thank you
I'm not even looking for one but I just love watching your videos. One never knows, though. These nuggets you dispense could prove to be useful in the future. Thank you for sharing these.