Narcissistic Mothers Get WORSE When Something GOOD Happens to You
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- Опубліковано 12 кві 2022
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Few letters have made me laugh AND get angry like this one! Rose's mother allowed her daughter to be abused as a child, and is NOW using Rose's wedding plans to hurt her all over again. Hear my reality check for this young woman who is taking a step UP in her life -- and how to protect herself from narcissistic abuse.
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Pour one out for the truth tellers who were never believed and never got the justice they deserved. You were right, Rose, and we believe you!
I'm going to need surgery to correct the damage I just did from rolling my eyes so hard while listening to this letter.
Lol!
Sooo great I laughed so hard!!! Lololol
🤣
LOL! thanks I needed that!
So true it made me vomit.
It never ceases to amaze me that toxic people always find each other to procreate and continue their abuse on their children.
I've noticed that many of them think that having children is the key to being happy. It sounds normal to most of the world, but many of us know that having children for this reason is a toxic mindset. They're supposed to add joy to your already joyful life, not cure depression.
I mean, sometimes they have kids just so there is another thing to control. Then get more abusive when that controlling grip loosens on an aging human, who's hopefully learning to think for themselves and get somewhere safe in life.
Child abuse is rampant in the US. Look up the statistics. It's horrifying the number of children molested by relatives. It's tragic the number of people who kill one or more members of their family. Society and religions must stop pushing procreation. It's not fair to children who are raised in these abusive, violent situations.
Yes it is so sad . But I’ve heard that “like attracts like” so perhaps that explains it ☹️
This was all by design -- to keep people stuck in a low frequency. We're breaking free now.
What leaped out to me was how narc mom tried so hard to triangulate rose and sam. Putting sam on a pedestal in the same message complaining about roses' reaction to abuse. Manipulating narc mom clearly hoped sam would be like "mom in law is so nice and reasonable" while narc mom was being anything but
I picked up on that too.
Yep! The triangulation set up was so obvious!
I really like how Anna was more animated and genuine in human disgust! Very validating!
I also highly respect that she is disciplined in her professionalism.
My fairy good mother. 🥰
Triangulation is one of the top three tactics my BPD/narc Mom uses. It is pretty easy to spot after the first couple of times you get hung up in it.
CLASSIC narc tactic
EXACTLY!
My mother is a complete narc, she can't stand seeing me happy. Everytime I am happy she tries to bring me down and get me stressed and all along I didn't understand why but this makes complete sense. Thank you.
Sames. 😢I’m so much more regulated now that I limit contact with her.
Personally, I can forgive unintentional transgressions, but one of my boundaries is to NOT overlook abusive patterns and NOT forgive the abuser. The fact that this woman/mother did not defend her young daughter, repeatedly, is imo unforgivable. Dearest Rose you may begin the healing process once your mother is removed from your life and no longer mentally and emotionally abusing you. That letter is her gaslighting you. It is her denying her maternal responsibilities. It is her blame-shifting. Her accolades to your fiance is triangulation. She appears to be a classic narcissist. She won't change but you can. Protect yourself and your relationship from her. Find a therapist who is familiar with narcissistic abuse and CPTSD.
triangulation, yes! you nailed it
Girl… you called it! ⚔️❤️⚔️ have boundaries around her like a ninja 🥷.
Yes! Triangulation! Of course, I can see it. My mother has spent a lifetime creating division & destruction in our immediate family through triangulation, of course w/ would do it with ex in laws.
@@FreedomForever116 yes, mine too. Horrendous
what's this "forgive so you don't look like the bad guy" nonsense she is talking about ??? Why does she have to change someone's feelings? at about @13 minutes. The victim has no obligation toward the perpetrator and no! no-one has to change how they feel. Resentment is there for a good reason. Anger is there for a good reason. Don't let anyone tell you that emotions are wrong or how you are suppose to feel, that's abusive. They are NOT wrong ! In fact, they will keep you safe.
I love that Rose is focusing on her own health and healing PRIOR to having her own children and exposing them to the weirdness of her narcissistic mother. Rose is taking positive steps to work towards healthy family life. Rose rocks
The other thing narcissistic mothers say is " I didn't know that was happening"
They knew, they chose to ignore what they were doing to you.
Exactly
The mom is so manipulative in the way she praised her son- in - law and painted him white without even meeting him in the hopes that if the daughter is hesitant whether to break the no- contact, he'd talk in favor of her like 'good' people do. The language is carefully curated for an unsuspecting 3rd party to believe that she might be repenting and the daughter is at fault for not forgiving her poor sickly mother.
My advice is if her fiance doesn't have a first hand experience with narcissists and strong boundaries, don't bother to even convey the message to him or invite her to the wedding. There's a great chance of her mother scapegoating and furthering her abuse and violating her boundaries using her fiance.
@@leaf4958 yeah I hope he sees right through it and believes the letter writer. I'm sure he will.
she has his number for a group text so there was probably some contact prior. Else: HOW did she get that number? Creep factor magnified.
@@MellowJelly *does not believe the letter writer.
@@leaf4958 Most males are not good at reading females. Likely the prospective mother-in-law's lavish "love bomb" praise of the fiance will further distort his lens view of her, if tinted "rose" not "Rose." If Rose "run"s, will she ever find a male mate who can see through her mother's narc gamesmanship? If Rose has explained to her fiance the hard cold facts of her mother's failure to protect Rose as a child from her stepfather's predations, perhaps those "just the facts, Ma'am" may help him see through the mother-in-law's gaslit praise of him and shift of blame to Rose.
I had a narcisst mother who treated me this way. She was a little more covert, but not when the truth was revealed. My sister is a carbon copy. I ended up severing the relationship...both of them. It was the best thing I could have done.
Interesting how they always favour the sons or the daughters who will be a carbon copy of them
They also get worse when bad things happen, too. Remember when you have a narc parent literally everything is your fault.
“She doesn’t sound like someone who can work out problems” was helpful to hear. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do about others’ behavior
👀I didn't realize how triggered I would be when you started reading the letter. 😬 I have a similar situation. Thanks for clarity and help 💯💪🏽🙏🏽
Same here 😢
Same -- didn't expect it, but as soon as the blame-shifting started, I got a sense of insects under my skin. Received a not entirely dissimilar email just this May, in fact.
Honesty I almost puked when you were reading the letter because that is exactly how my mother would behave. Supreme manipulation and narcissistic abuse. Like literally word for word. Then I paused and was like, wow, I’m so proud of being totally clear with my emotional sensitivity, and that my gut intuition is bang on. I have healed. Bless you and all, and huge love for your healing paths.
Yes! Same here! Stomach turning and some kind of repell-reaction. Had to pause the video. Breathe. Look at something else for a while.
This sounded like a boyfriend I once had. I still can't defend myself aginst their(psychos) behavior. I hear it, but can't respond properly. So glad to read, that you have healed!!
This letter made me angry too. So manipulating and disgusting. I wish all the best to Rose and Sam.
I was listening to Anna read this thinking how normal Rose’s mother sounded in her letter… or rather, how normal she probably sounds to most people..
But it was eye opening for me to hear it being read and recognising from the outset that it was so incredibly self indulgent of the mother.
It’s as obvious as a 2 year old playing hide and seek by covering their own eyes while in plain sight!
PS to Anna - I think it’s helpful seeing your genuine reaction to letters like this. You’re a point of truth to your viewers. If you don’t react, we might think we’re over reacting.
Sometimes they are so ridiculous that you have to laugh. I think it’s healthy! No one is personally identified and we know you’re not one to make fun of someone inappropriately.
""I was listening how normal Rose mother sounded, or at least how normal she sounded to most people"" so God damned right!!!!!
Thank you for pointed it that out.
WHAT?!?! ... Absolutely NOT!! The woman sounded manipulative and disingenuous.
@@joanellebracht5311 which woman? I think you misread the message. I was "quoting" on the comment.
The MOTHER.
@@reginap942 SO TRUE. I didn't quite realize that until she pointed that out.
Completely relating to this letter. Thank you Rose and Anna for the clarity around narcissist mothers. The gaslighting is something to behold. It's doubly painful when other family members not only fall for it, but are in league with it, and you look like the horrible daughter. Bravo for this information and compassion. It's great to be finally heard.
exactly...
Yes Carol! This! Deep pain. So sorry you went through this-sending love. I am standing alongside you as someone who has been through the same.
Well said and amen. Sad how many of us there are in this particular club.
Yes! I’m trying to get past the hurt that my extended family sees me as the bad one, the one who is intentionally doing the hurting.
Just chiming in to say I am also a member of this club and extend my truest compassion to you, Carol. I hear you and see your pain.
Also, extreme headaches wouldn’t allow writing a letter (a death bed letter is usually written by someone else). With that kind of prognosis You’d just want to be left alone in the dark.
Good grief.
I love your passion and how you provided the real apology that Rose DESERVED to hear. She will probably never hear it from her mom, but I hope she allows your words to sink in and heal her heart as she continues to distance from her mom. She can't change her mom. Her mom HAS to deny wrongdoing because the pain of how she failed Rose would be too overwhelming for HERSELF. Her mom will never give Rose the apology she needs. I hope all the comments for dear Rose help.
Physical abuse from dad and emotional abuse from mom, kudos to rose for making it out
No one's put it that simply before, Anna - that because our feelings have been disregarded, later on we have trouble trusting if we can make decisions.
Of course my heart goes out to Rose.
I mean I've often read how you're pushed not to have your own feelings, but have had to read so much more before it clearly clicking as straight away as it could, into difficulty later on with decision making. So, I appreciate this.
I'm so happy the CCF read this letter. I'm 45 and just realizing now that I probably shouldn't have my mom in my life. I just had good things happen to me and she is a viper. Every phone conversation she threatens suicide...or to be specific...she says, " I should just die". And it's all because I won't give her the supply she has always gotten from me. My heart is broken that I don't have family but I am grateful for this video and clarity.
Omg, this letter sounds like it came directly from my own mother. I spent my life trying to fix myself, I finally did at the age of 55 got the help I so desperately needed. Through medication, therapy and loads of homework in the way of practicing coping skills, plus listening to videos like this and discovering what a narcissist and a gaslighter was, I was finally able to sort my life out. How very freeing it’s been to become the person I was always meant to be. Better late than never right ☺️ I am now 63, and my mother is now 85 and still as toxic as ever. I did what you mentioned about giving yourself emotion and physical boundaries from the abuser. I am finally at peace in life, although she is getting on in years and has several health issues I’ve made my peace with never seeing her again. This is the best decision for me, thank-you for posting this video.💐
Linda I find your story very comforting and inspiring.
At 64 I am in the same basic place you are...and so is my toxic Mom still toxic. I don't know about you, but I really appreciate knowing I am not alone! Hope you are having a good day!
@@Tilly850 I hope you have a good day as well ☺️
Linda: might we have been separated at birth?
When I was 11 my mom found out the nextdoor neighbor was sexually abusing me. She sat me on my bed, told me she knew and explained that no one is allowed to touch my body if I didn't want them to. This felt like it shifted all of the blame on me. I didn't want it to happen. It was embarrassing, once he abused me in front of an audience of peers. Your apology to Rose, the apology she should have gotten from her mom, broke my tear barrier. I couldn't hold it in. When I tried to approach my mom about my childhood, she asked me if we were really still blaming our parents. So tough. Hugs to you Rose 🌹
Hugs to you too!
You are so brave and incredibly strong...I’m so sorry you weren’t protected
@@CrappyChildhoodFairyyou forgot to say how the mom triangulated the daughter & son in law to shame her even more.
There's nothing wrong with telling your child she has the right to say no, but that convo should have come AFTER your mom called police on the perpetrator. I was similarly left undefended and wasn't even coached that I had the right to say no. Not that it helps much when the perpetrator is an adult over twice your size and you're conditioned to obey adults without question.
You are a strong person, keep your head up! I believe in you and keep sharing your struggle as it does help others out and I feel comforted with having read part of your struggle. God Bless You and May the good Lord Jesus Christ Heal You!
Is there an award for “UA-cam Video of the Year “. Anna, you and your team are fabulous!!! You are changing lives for the better. I love sharing your videos, telling folks about your videos and doing the DAILY PRACTICE. Much love ❤️
ABSOLUTELY, Anna is the best YT can offer ❤
100%
So amazing the effect of hearing Anna say what a healthy mother would say in comparison to what was said by Rose’s Mom ,..and my mom her twin narc.
Thank you Anna for the unedited-ness!!!!
@@annaro3123 I think Anna and Patrick Teahan
Urgent care refers you to MRI next day? That means you have a headache and they know you are crazy. If they thought it was real (if the urgent care story was even true) they would call 911 and send to ER. Sending you my love, Rose 🌹
wow, that letter from Rose's mother. Made me laugh and feel sick at the same time. Please Rose, your mother is horrible. And I hope that Sam sees through this b/s as Anna says. She's making a play for him, 'despite everything my daughter has told you, look at what a wonderful mother I am, telling you that you are the son I would have wanted'. OMG! I had this happen to me as my mother became more and more manipulative as she grew older, realising that she's cornered herself with her own crappy choices. And I was her emotional sponge and punchbag. It ended badly for me because I hadn't got strong enough boundaries at the time. This letter is a gift! Trust Anna and our feedback, and accept that this is the mother you had, and this is the person who mistreated you from the beginning. Acceptance, for me, is more relevant than forgiveness. You are hurt, take it seriously, show yourself genuine compassion. She won't change, protect yourself! Big hugs!
You can love your parents even if they aren't safe. You have to protect yourself now
1. Narcissists will never apologize.
2. It's all about them.
3. CCF is absolutely right about setting boundaries, especially if she goes to wedding.
Having this kind of parent is really hard. The lack of self-examination and apology is part of the inability to truly love. It's SO hard to deal with figuring out this person is so damaged that they can't actually love you... or worse, they're doing the best they can.
IMHO you're doing amazing to be able to see it, pull back, and question, to protect yourself. All the best luck going forward, dealing with the emotional manipulation. I hope Sam doesn't fall for it. I hope you have people who will back you up. ❤️
I never had found a good romantic relationship until three years ago, when I met my husband (who is a successful lawyer and a very supportive and loving partner). When he proposed to me, he gave me his deceased mother's wedding ring).
Some months ago he was traveling and she came over for a visit. While she was here, I was not wearing my ring because I had gained some pounds due to the pandemic. It was laying on my working table and I told her about its origin while we were chatting. After she left, the ring disappeared. I searched it all over the house, but it wasn't anywhere. As a naive narcisist child, I didn't realize what was really happening for like two or three months, until I finally come to the obvious conclusion: she had stolen it. Even after realizing that, I didn't say a word until she comes here last Sunday, open my fridge in front of us and start saying that my cousin likes to spend time on her house because there's plenty of food there for him. 😡 I don't know what kind of anger spirit took control of me after that, but yesterday I finally called her and said EVERYTHING I thought about her. She obviously did not take responsibility, but I told her out loud that until she bring my ring back I never wanted to see here again. It was sooooo amazingly good to finally leave the good girl role and express everything I that had been suffocate inside me for so long. I feel like a new chapter of my life started the moment it happened. I hope my testimony may encourage others to do the same.
My father do the same thing, always bringing things back to himself and talking about how his situation is helpless and how much his life is terrible and how the world his working against him. He even made us believe he was losing the ability to walk and that the doctor told him he will have to live in a wheel chair. Those were all lies. How many tears I've cried empathizing with him, constantly living in fear that he'd kill himself. What a show. The only way I found to get myself free from his grip was to completely cut contact with him and kill him in my head so I don't have to live with that fear anymore. They don't deserve us in their lives.
Sick! Good for you leaving.✨
I can't leave because of my Mom's financial sabotage, but what I started to do was call her out on that stuff and push back on those narratives, until she finally started to leave me alone. She didn't like having her tactics named out loud, and I think she felt a lot of shame.
Omg I’m floored with how similar my mom is to Rose’s. The only difference in that message is that her’s is in English. This video was so helpful to watch. Thank you to Rose for writing, and thank you Ana for addressing this. 🙏💗
This is such a hard thing to work through. My very sick mother believes she is perfectly fine, yet continues to be the abuser she's been since conception. Yeah, born in 1970, my mother did everything she could do to abort me, taking all kinds of quackery meds in 1969, due to abortion being illegal. Well, I'm here, so she never succeeded. Again, this is such a difficult issue, especially when you have a manipulative, covert, and narcissistic mother such as I.
Rose should block her out completely. That evil mother will continue to hurt Rose, and Rose's children. The Mother is trying to get the fiancee on her(the Mother's side) to secure her place in the new family unit. As well as use him to triangulate and try to get attention from and to hurt Rose with that relationship.
The evil mother will change tackics and be more sly and underhanded. Evil should never be let back in after they finally get shown the door. I had that with an evil father, MIL(20 YEARS) And an evil sibling. They just don't change.
The only way to stop the hurt and abuse is to cut then out COMPLETELY. Evil truly has no place in a heart that desires peace and security and healing.
10 out of 10 for triangulation! As a mom who kept her kids in a situation with an abusive partner for way too long.... I was wrong. I should have been there for them. I've apologized and listen to them now when then tell me how resentful they are sometimes about things I've done and try every day to be the mom they deserve now. I hate that I was like that. You deserved better, too. ❤️
You Totally Rock! 💜💜
Thank you
This is so validating. Thank you
Taking out all their resentment and lack of courage out on us!🤦♀️
Wow, I can see my own biomother writing a word-for-word message like in Rose's letter. Dismissive and defensive, suicide threats after being held accountable, bringing up her own issues as opposed to showing empathy towards my own, glorifying herself while also demeaning herself ("I do [insert noble deed of the day here] for others, but nobody ever was there for me... Except for you, but also not you when it's convenient for me to blow up towards you."), and glorifying my partner. Even when she, at first, exploded at me and treated me like I was her divorcing husband when I told her I was moving in with him.
I feel so much for you, Rose. Except for obvious differences in terms of occupation and other details, we could have easily had the same mother. Thank you for talking about your experiences, you're awesome for taking your recovery into your own hands. You will do so much better without her influencing and tarnishing your path towards healing.
As a survivor of sexual abuse (COCSA, CSA, SA, incest both covert & overt), I want you to know that you're also valid in how you feel regarding what you faced, and how it was responded to by your mother. You deserve a loving mother who doesn't stand by a sexual predator, and instead cares for her child above her relationships. You deserve justice, not dismissive and woe-is-me sentiments, and your anger is healthy.
In my experience, and as sad as it is to say, I learned that we can't actually ask our narc parents for not only genuine, unconditional love & help like we should be able to, but we also can't ask for accountability. A true parent would be there for us 120%, and wouldn't make us feel guilty for their own baggage and issues. I am so sorry that you, like the rest of us, were so badly failed by them. You never deserved to be blamed for being human.
Lots of love, and big thank you to Anna and everybody else on this channel! Instasubbed due to the unique approach you take with these topics. Not to diss other channels, but I find that you talk about the intricate, in-depth issues rather than just general narcissism & parenting-related topics. Keep it up!
Rose, you're on POINT!! Stay away from that manipulative woman, masquerading as a Mom.
When you gave the apology her mother should have given, i felt all the tension go out of my body. Hope she is free.
Ghost the Mother, she will never change.
Did my Mom write this letter?
So dramatic and manipulative. She took absolutely no responsibility and placed all of the blame and responsibility on Rose.
Oh no this mom will never change and do everything to take away any crumb of happiness you have.
Lord Jesus Christ Holy Spirit I need to move forward from narcissism within the family please remove, cleanse, clear, heal and balance this pain so I can be healed from the pain of my mother.
The mother needs to be kept away from any future family. She's dangerous and will poison the relationship. 🙏 I hope Rose stays healthy 💜
Wow, wow, wow. That was the most manipulative letter I’ve ever heard. I really hope this lady has someone at her wedding who will keep an eye on her mother at all times, and is prepared to “take her down” if she tries to pull something awful at the wedding, because she is definitely the type who would. And your advice was spot on! Great video. Thanks.
Yes hopefully something to induce her into a nice siesta from which she can wake when the party's almost done! 🤣
Someone need to slap the shit out of her and give her a genuine reason to play victim, and then do it again while she's playing victim 💀
Better if the mother doesn’t attend the wedding if they are going to be on edge all the time for fear of what the mother could do.
My heart goes out to Rose, I know those feelings too too well. My Mother wrote me a very similar one when I was expecting my first Grandchild, (her first Great-Grandchild.) We were on rocky ground then due to the years of sexual, physical and mental abuse I endured from her Husband, my Step-Dad. I was also abused a couple of times by two of his Brothers - I really don't know what kind of childhood they themselves had but I dread the thought. My Mother knew of all of this and witnessed many times the physical and emotional abuse. When I told her of the sexual stuff at aged 17 (I was systematically abused from age 5,) she asked me what I'd done to deserve it! Anyway, in this letter she said that she had an idea of why I 'hated her' so much and then went on to mention the incidences with the Brothers as the reason and said she should have listened to me and that there was no excuse for why a Mother wouldn't listen to her own child. The years of hell with my Step-Dad wasn't even mentioned. I was actually taking time out to heal from her and did come to forgive her and my Step-Dad who's own relationship was so so toxic, never physically but mentally and with my Mother having many affairs. They both passed within a couple of years, around 6months apart but I had made my peace by then. I wish Rose, every success in her marriage and a lifetime of love
This is a kind, good, nuturing woman right here! I wish all women, mom's, doctors, etc were like this.
Me too 🙏
No contact. That's the only solution. I typically don't tell people to do that, but in this case this is to save this woman's life. You are not obligated to deal with someone like this. I don't care who they are.
This particular case was loaded with content and covered many elements. Pure gold. What a lady Rose is, for opening up to this community. I absolutely appreciate Miss Anna declaring this "mother's" letter bullshit! BINGO! The mother sounds as if she was trying to create an allie within the new husband. I hope he is loyal to Rose and wise enough, not fall for this.
Except for the sexual abuse portion, I recognize numerous individuals I am familar with, that utilize similar tactics in the management of their lives. Flipping stories, turning tables, rearranging narratives- what a freak show! Attention seeking, low grade nonsense. Distance, standards, and self repecting boundaries are so valuable.
"Distance, standards, and self repecting boundaries are so valuable." Yesss. HEAR HEAR!
I love how honest your reaction to the letter was, I was laughing out loud with you! Often when we tell others about our toxic family members, they tend to make excuses for them and it must feel very validating to Rose that you saw through the bull :)
So true!
-Cara@TeamFairy
As the child of a narcisstic mom, I nearly puked. "Maybe I will die on the highway. You never know. I will always love you in spite of all you've done to me." Blocked her on all channels. No contact.
Listened to your apology to Rose several times over until I cried... my mother will never say these things to me. Hearing it from you is so comforting and validating. Thank you.
We're all sending you support :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Didn’t realize how hard Id cry when you gave Rose her apology. I still struggle with accepting that my mom is never going to apologize for the hurt she caused me. Not genuinely and not without blaming me in some way.
More specifically, they get
infinitely worse when something
good happens to you that
they can't make all about them
or that they can't be the center of,
or control every aapect of.
Thank you, Rose, for your letter. Unfortunately, you are not alone in having self-centred parents who warp their children's sense of reality, making it difficult to understand their own needs. Thank you, Crappy Childhood Fairy, for making it easier to see why this is the case for so many of us.
PS. I love the suggestions on setting 'sneaky' boundaries without full-blown arguments and drama.
Your hair is fab Anna 👱♀️
I don’t share positive things with my mom anymore because of this same type of behavior
Same. I've gotten 4 raises and a promotion and I haven't told my parents any of it. Last time I shared that I got my current job at w considerable raise in salary, she just said "Oh, I hope that doesn't mess up your divorce." #done
I know that when my mother started taking over when I told her I was getting married, I should have stopped it. Because her making a big production out of it forced me into marrying a guy whom I really never should have married.
I came from a narcissist mother and my husband came from an utterly dysfunctional family. My children struggle with all the crazy that we visited on them. I am guilt ridden at how they cope. I had no idea how bad my life really was until very recently. Retirement gave me time to reflect. Too little, too late, I guess.
Thank you for sharing. It is not too late and healing is possible! If you haven't already, try Anna's Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day.
Nika@TeamFairy
I cut my own narcissistic mother off. No contact with her is blessed time. Mine went mental when I started saving money to buy my own house and god forbidden I learned for driving license
I was in the process of planning a family wedding when I realized my narc in laws were absolutely going to ruin it for me, even if just by my being worried by them the entire time.
So, we eloped.
I wish MY family could have been there, and I don't know if they quite understand, but I have no doubt that it was the only way to have a happy wedding day.
Now, years later, we are planning a renewal of vows, which WILL involve my family.
Look I'm messy boots. I'm TOTALLY here for that contemptuous energy. READ THAT TOXIC MAMA TO FILTH FAIRY!!!
Sometimes 'forgiving' is nothing more than shifting from "it shouldn't have happened' to 'it has happened', because fighting with the facts of the past is a waste of your precious energy, like you can't push away the rain or the darkness of the night. Acknowledging that is has happened and there is nothing to be done about it, is as far as you need to go when it comes to forgiving. It can be very healing to realise you DON'T need ANYTHING from the one who hurt you. You are in no way depending on their recognition, acknowledgement or apologies. Don't give away your power by making your healing depending on them. Focus on loving the hurt part of you to the moon and back. The best revenge is to live well! I learned this the hard way. When I confronted my mother with her abusive behaviour when I was little, she said 'I can't remember', jumped up and ran to the kitchen yelling ' you want more tea?' That's when I knew there was no point in trying to get anything from her. And that was actually a good thing. it's all in me.
I cut most of my DNA fam from my life because of their toxicity! I feel like a large heavy weight was lifted from my shoulders! We can't allow these toxic ppl to destroy our lives!!!
Why would you "forgive" someone if that someone dosen't even want to be forgiven? It makes no sense.
My life has revolved around my Mom’s Narcissism
I am currently caretaking my 93 year old Mom.
I’m trying to wrap my head around loving my Mom while now realizing My Mom is incapable of love and has never loved me.
My narcissist sister ( 17 years older) just lied about having cancer.
I’ve been raised by 2 narcissists .
If I thought the sky was blue, both would react;
Don’t be ridiculous the sky is neon green.
They both have distorted my reality, dismissed me as silly, stupid and irrelevant
You can heal now, so glad you are in our community :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
How can you cope when your mom is exactly like this but only to you and not your siblings? She turns them against me. Now my nieces are starting to fall into this toxic pattern.
I too would like to hear her response to this issue. Sorry you’re going through it too
Welcome to the scapegoat role. My condolences. If at all possible don't take it personally, it really is about your mom's deficiencies
@@limitedtime5471 thank you 🙏
@@thesellingsocialworker4773 thank you, sorry to hear that. Good luck to you 🙏
Well, I think first of all cutting all ties with the mother. And then if another family member comes up with anything she said about you, responding with that all she has are old feelings, but that you are over the old stuff and moved on and that if she didn't you can't do anything about that, and that you are not willed to go back to that. Reminding them that you can't have done anything wrong to her anymore because you cut the ties. And that if they can't move on from old things YOU and YOUR MOTHER had, and no one else, it's also not your problem anymore.
That takes away as much power as possible from her over you. It's harder to turn someone against someone else if all you can provide are old situations and feelings left, than by new situations you can turn around, switch, lie about and weaponise against them. If your other family members are also not willed to move on from stuff that wasn't even their business then you also can only not reach out to them anymore. If they reach out to you, then you need to make clear if they start about it you're not willed to stay busy with old grudges people have on you, and that if they don't accept it they're not welcome in your life anymore. But stay calm and say that matter of factly and explain that it's not about them and not because you were angry or anything, but that you just don't want such things in your life anymore.
Also, don't try to bring them on your side. Most of the times it doesn't work if they already picked the sides and it will be used against you again. Say that you are not angry at your mother or anyone but that it's just about eliminating such stress and negativity, even if that might not be true. As soon as they smell emotions they will try to drag you into it again. I know it's not fair, I know one wants to hear that it's not ones fault, I know one want that others realise it, but the problem is you won't get it from them. Of course you can try to show them that it is your Mum and not you who's in the wrong, but ask yourself, is it worth it? Is it worth the pain when you try hard but they don't want to believe you anyway? Is it worth that fight? I don't think so. You can find people who will listen to you and who will support you and tell you that it is not your fault without the need to fight them first. It doesn't need to be your family.
Saying that you can't do anything against that she still holds a grudge but that you don't allow it being part of your life anymore takes away so much power from her. Tell them if they want to talk about it they shall do it with your mother but that they shall keep you out if it. And that if they think you're such a bad person they are free to stay out of your life, too. Tell them if they treat you badly that you don't allow to be treated like that.
I know it sounds far, far easier than it is. But you need to realise that there're no benefits for you in a contact to those who act against you. Even if you think it would put you into being alone: Being alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely, nor means being not alone being less lonely. Ask yourself what the contact to them if they treat you badly gives you. Is there any dependence to keep up with them? Or is it only anxiety and a whole lot of "buts" which are just tries to justify them and you staying in contact with them? Is it "but they love me?" People who love you don't treat you like that. Is it "but I love them?" So, what do you love and is that love really bigger than the suffering you experience? "I don't have anybody then?" Oh, being alone can be quite nice. And what positive things does their company provide to you?
Make a list if you want why you don't set boundaries and then answer yourself why these points are bad ones, argue against them like I did above with the few ones.
Or is there really something that forces you to stay in that situation? Something you really can't do anything against?
I know that I didn't answer your question as you asked it, because how to cope with it would mean not changing the situation. But I never give advice how to cope with a situation if in my opinion getting out of the situation should be the solution. I only do that if change is no option. Not saying this might not be the case with you but by now I don't have any informations which would tell that.
Sounds like my mom. I know this isn’t my letter but I felt so seen. I know what I need to do with my mother
Our mother totally manipulated me. My brother took it til he gave up. My father escaped. Held hostage we were. Life is far from fair.
I am a psychologist and daughter of a very similar mother. All of Rose's perceptions seem absolutely accurate. Your perception is right, Rose!!! I wish all the best! 💜
Yep ‼️ Both my divorced parents pulled this crap on me, constantly. And that's Exactly why I called of 2 weddings ‼️ I KNEW they would purposely RUIN a wedding, and would Love to Publicly Shame me.
Thank you for this ‼️ I felt so alone, and although I am sad so many others have had to live through this kind of abuse, especially from people who were SUPPOSED to Want the best for us, I am a little healed just knowing that I am Not alone in this struggle 🫶🏻
The mother seems like she has more than narcissism. ..
She's saying all these wonderful things to her husband-to-be to try to win him over. She's not happy that Rose now has someone who loves her who will bring her joy and happiness. I can almost hear the envy from the letter. this charming and manipulating approach is being used against Rose in the event that Rose and her husband ever have any marital misunderstandings. Rose's mother will use that against her and tell her husband, see she's the problem not us. A narcissist mother will never stop at making your life a living hell until she takes her last breath. Narcissist mothers are some of the most cruel, argumentative delusional, dishonest, insensitive, calculating, self-centered, explosive, non-communicative, and scheming people you ever want to meet! Their mental illness is hurtful and can be very stressful to deal with if you're not a strong person and even for those who are it's still very difficult to deal with these types of behaviors coming from your own mother who claims to love you.
The best thing I ever did in my life was 1st to move 1400 miles away from my narcissistic mother...and then to finally cut her out of my life 5 years later when she came to visit and exhibited the same behaviors to me AND to my children. It's been a wonderfully freeing and peaceful experience... This was 18 years ago. I do not regret it one bit. I have forgiven her and moved past it. Pathological narcissism is a mental disorder. And I have never known anyone with this to ever change. I refuse to have a relationship with anyone whom I have to...handle....in order to keep the peace. Toxicity is not ok...even if that means writing off a parent. If this were a neighbor down the street, most people wouldn't think twice. So often, when its a parent, people say.. but she's my mother. So. What. I tried working with her and with myself for 38 years. Enough is enough. I am happily married with 3 beautiful children and 2 grandchildren. We are a close close knit family. I broke the cycle entirely. Best thing I ever did, as I said.
Has she ever tried to contact your children when they became adults? Many do and then try to destroy your relationship with your adult children, or they get in contact with one adult grand child and cling to them as their favourite which causes sibling rivalry with the adult grand children.
I listened to that message and just felt my stomach go in knots. Thank you Anna for stating how a decent, '' healthy' mother would have replied. I actually found those words so very comforting!
By the time, 40 years later, I was able to slightly talk about some of the things she'd said and done, my mother was truly shocked: she'd maintained the 'belief' for all those years that she was the injured party, a wonderful mother of a very 'difficult' child. She was bewildered, ashamed, and after that was kinder, but she was never able to apologise to me.
I wish you all the very best Rose. It's great to see that you are learning to trust yourself ❤️
I don’t think any narcissistic mother will ever genuinely apologize sadly
Rose, Anna is soo right on……your mother sounds exactly like my npd sister & MIL who both attempted to sabatoge our wedding…..my long scapegoated husband suffered awful abuse for decades, then when he found happiness in marriage she attempted to wedge between us & further abuse him….we went 100% No Contact 7.8 yrs ago & never looked back…..she also would leave us ‘scripted’ messages of how she cared for her son….total bs….it’s a trap….get away & stay away ❤
Wow, it’s like listening to my mother, and it doesn’t ever change, it has got worse with age. In addition to the excellent translation, I hear ‘ damn, it’s really happening, my child has someone else important in her life who will take precedent over me, and I can’t stand it’ so the only way to stay in is to conquer and divide by idolising Sam. I apologise if I’m wrong but I want to say ‘Run Rose and Sam, run for the hills and don’t ever look back!’
Best wishes for a great future together x
Best to keep her from your wedding, Rose. She will ruin your day because it isn't about her. My mom flies into a rage whenever confronted on anything or creates extreme dramatic situations when the moment is about someone else.
Yep. I once went on an out-of-state vacation to visit my former MIL and BIL, whom I am close to. During that trip, my sister----flying monkey----called me to tell me that mom and dad were disappointed of my timing 🙄, because dad was having a simple medical procedure whilst I was away. They collectively attempted to ruin my trip with exaggerated guilt 😏😒.
Ninja boundaries!! Yes, I love that concept. So subtle they don't even realize what you are doing.
Rose it was so brave of you to tell when you were a kid!
Oh my goodness. I just found this video, and I'm sitting here in shock. EVERYTHING about this-- the tone, the pacing, the alarmism about health, the "weird" tone, the fake nicey-nice beginning, the sorry-not-sorry "you weren't able to accept my doing my best" shtick, the "I forgive *you* for all the hurt you've caused me with the distance, the excessive praise for the fiancé--- ALL could literally be lifted from multiple actual emails I have received from my mom over the last few years...to the point that I started looking over my shoulder at one pointing feeling like you hacked my email account and I was "Rose"!
I will admit, I appreciate your advice and take it so seriously, and I've been struggling along trying to maintain contact with my mom partly guided by your video urging folks to consider *not* going no-contact (which I've never wanted). I felt SO validated by seeing your reacting to just how *crazy* this letter is. Thank you for taking this letter, Anna, and for all the work you do.
I have a narcissist mother and sister who have accused me of being the same as them. My mother is in her 80's and i am waiting for her to die, it will be a relief, I'm in my 50's and just started therapy. I've been told it is easier to list what abuse I didn't suffer, the penny dropped a few weeks ago that I do matter and I can recover from the abuse. Stay away from those toxic people they will not change, I found they used me like a drug.
Oh. My. God. That is my mother - exactly. I am nearly 50 and still being abused in this way by my mother, even with boundaries and therapy. It is at point of cutting out of my life which is breaking my heart.
I started crying when you read Rose’s letter. 😢
A restraining order could be ordered too if necessary....
I cut my mother off and she still sends me birthday cards through family members…with nothing written in them. Creepy.
Total drama. Well done Anna.
How the world world would change if the primary subject of all schooling-preschool through 12th grade-was how to LOVE ourselves and other humans … and how to lovingly protect ourselves and others AND introspect without shame,
My NM ruined my entire life! Much love to all the scapegoats and blessings. No contact.
I found a card that I had tucked away that my narcissistic mother sent me after I tried to talk to her about the family dysfunction. In it she said "A parent always loves their child no matter what the child has done" I had done nothing except be the truth teller/ scapegoat I recoiled when I read it again. It felt like being bit by a venomous snake. I threw it away. My Mom is no longer alive and I will NEVER get the actual apology she owed me for years of marginalization.
I got a 7 page letter the other day from my Mom. Same basic thing just spent more time describing her sickness. Oh, Rose...you are doing great! I'm learning the boundaries now too. It's a hard thing when that inner child wants Mom to love and approve of her and it just isn't in the cards. Sending you my love. Thanks CCF for your response. It was helpful indeed!
When she adresses the groom, she future fakes, she projects, she manipulates. She's saying a thing about kids, like the couple MUST have children, she's trying to "claim" anything that happens as something she had predicted, she's alienating them as much as she can, and she's basically claiming agency over her daughter by passing the baton to the groom.
She showers praise on the groom, who's adjacent to her daughter, saying HE is the child she wishes she had. This is a way of devaluing and hurting her daughter. What's she's really doing is sowing resentment in that relationship like poison. EVERYTHING is meticulously designed to hurt her daughter.
Also, she blames her daughter for everything.
I love that you say what the letter sender needs to hear and call bs on what the mom says
When it became clear to my mother that we were really losing contact, she also said "well, if this doesn't change i can always just jump in front of a train". She also threatened my father with divorce, because I put distance between her and me but did try to keep in touch with my dad. Now i'm fully no contact and do not regret it one bit. She has sent me 1 app message that she's sure i thought about her on her birthday and that she thinks about me every day and sends me so much love.. " Just reading it made me feel nausia.
By now i have let go of the resentment. I just don't care anymore. But this will never come to a point where i will forgive her.
You reading this letter helps people like me so we know we're not crazy. What our mothers did was faul and even worse so when they kept doing this in our adult life, making us doubt reality. Thank you so much for your videos.
I don't know the message sounds genuine. But then I'm pretty bad at identifying abuse and I'd probably write something like this. But then I heard what you said about how it should be written and that makes sense
I think this video changed my life 🙏🏽
You know, I haven’t been able to talk or interact with my mother for about 6 months now.
I’ve been sure she was narc and then so insecure about my sureness.
Something in me just can no longer tolerate my mothers presence and the way our conversations are always about her depression, her woes, her feeling sad, her needs, etc etc etc. After hearing Anna respond to this letter, I feel sure again and resolved in my decision to keep a healthy boundary of no contact.
🌹Rose, thank you so very much for your letter. After listening, so many things flooded into focus reguarding a narcissistic mother. Most of all, felt immense gratitude for listening to you speak your mind & heart. 💖
Ninja boundaries......
Thank you Anna and Crappy Family Team for validation & a directional map to step off the merry-go-round.