Agreed, I definitely emphasize with Rose. My dad physically attacked me when I was 10 (to the point where my aunt almost hit him with a frying pan). he screamed at me the whole way home, upon arriving I feared more abuse would ensue; instead dad demanded I forgive him or else I'd end up in eternal hell. At 10, it never occurred to me that he was manipulating me and that in accordance to our religious faith, he must be accountable for his behavior & repent, only then must I forgive him. sad to say, dad has never apologized nor acknowledged his violent outbursts. Instead he had me institutionalized for "my violent outbursts" when his feet were held to the fire.
My mother is a complete narc, she can't stand seeing me happy. Everytime I am happy she tries to bring me down and get me stressed and all along I didn't understand why but this makes complete sense. Thank you.
What leaped out to me was how narc mom tried so hard to triangulate rose and sam. Putting sam on a pedestal in the same message complaining about roses' reaction to abuse. Manipulating narc mom clearly hoped sam would be like "mom in law is so nice and reasonable" while narc mom was being anything but
Yep! The triangulation set up was so obvious! I really like how Anna was more animated and genuine in human disgust! Very validating! I also highly respect that she is disciplined in her professionalism. My fairy good mother. 🥰
I've noticed that many of them think that having children is the key to being happy. It sounds normal to most of the world, but many of us know that having children for this reason is a toxic mindset. They're supposed to add joy to your already joyful life, not cure depression.
I mean, sometimes they have kids just so there is another thing to control. Then get more abusive when that controlling grip loosens on an aging human, who's hopefully learning to think for themselves and get somewhere safe in life.
Child abuse is rampant in the US. Look up the statistics. It's horrifying the number of children molested by relatives. It's tragic the number of people who kill one or more members of their family. Society and religions must stop pushing procreation. It's not fair to children who are raised in these abusive, violent situations.
I love that Rose is focusing on her own health and healing PRIOR to having her own children and exposing them to the weirdness of her narcissistic mother. Rose is taking positive steps to work towards healthy family life. Rose rocks
I had a narcisst mother who treated me this way. She was a little more covert, but not when the truth was revealed. My sister is a carbon copy. I ended up severing the relationship...both of them. It was the best thing I could have done.
Honesty I almost puked when you were reading the letter because that is exactly how my mother would behave. Supreme manipulation and narcissistic abuse. Like literally word for word. Then I paused and was like, wow, I’m so proud of being totally clear with my emotional sensitivity, and that my gut intuition is bang on. I have healed. Bless you and all, and huge love for your healing paths.
This sounded like a boyfriend I once had. I still can't defend myself aginst their(psychos) behavior. I hear it, but can't respond properly. So glad to read, that you have healed!!
Same -- didn't expect it, but as soon as the blame-shifting started, I got a sense of insects under my skin. Received a not entirely dissimilar email just this May, in fact.
Personally, I can forgive unintentional transgressions, but one of my boundaries is to NOT overlook abusive patterns and NOT forgive the abuser. The fact that this woman/mother did not defend her young daughter, repeatedly, is imo unforgivable. Dearest Rose you may begin the healing process once your mother is removed from your life and no longer mentally and emotionally abusing you. That letter is her gaslighting you. It is her denying her maternal responsibilities. It is her blame-shifting. Her accolades to your fiance is triangulation. She appears to be a classic narcissist. She won't change but you can. Protect yourself and your relationship from her. Find a therapist who is familiar with narcissistic abuse and CPTSD.
Yes! Triangulation! Of course, I can see it. My mother has spent a lifetime creating division & destruction in our immediate family through triangulation, of course w/ would do it with ex in laws.
what's this "forgive so you don't look like the bad guy" nonsense she is talking about ??? Why does she have to change someone's feelings? at about @13 minutes. The victim has no obligation toward the perpetrator and no! no-one has to change how they feel. Resentment is there for a good reason. Anger is there for a good reason. Don't let anyone tell you that emotions are wrong or how you are suppose to feel, that's abusive. They are NOT wrong ! In fact, they will keep you safe.
I love your passion and how you provided the real apology that Rose DESERVED to hear. She will probably never hear it from her mom, but I hope she allows your words to sink in and heal her heart as she continues to distance from her mom. She can't change her mom. Her mom HAS to deny wrongdoing because the pain of how she failed Rose would be too overwhelming for HERSELF. Her mom will never give Rose the apology she needs. I hope all the comments for dear Rose help.
I was listening to Anna read this thinking how normal Rose’s mother sounded in her letter… or rather, how normal she probably sounds to most people.. But it was eye opening for me to hear it being read and recognising from the outset that it was so incredibly self indulgent of the mother. It’s as obvious as a 2 year old playing hide and seek by covering their own eyes while in plain sight! PS to Anna - I think it’s helpful seeing your genuine reaction to letters like this. You’re a point of truth to your viewers. If you don’t react, we might think we’re over reacting. Sometimes they are so ridiculous that you have to laugh. I think it’s healthy! No one is personally identified and we know you’re not one to make fun of someone inappropriately.
""I was listening how normal Rose mother sounded, or at least how normal she sounded to most people"" so God damned right!!!!! Thank you for pointed it that out.
Completely relating to this letter. Thank you Rose and Anna for the clarity around narcissist mothers. The gaslighting is something to behold. It's doubly painful when other family members not only fall for it, but are in league with it, and you look like the horrible daughter. Bravo for this information and compassion. It's great to be finally heard.
No one's put it that simply before, Anna - that because our feelings have been disregarded, later on we have trouble trusting if we can make decisions. Of course my heart goes out to Rose.
I mean I've often read how you're pushed not to have your own feelings, but have had to read so much more before it clearly clicking as straight away as it could, into difficulty later on with decision making. So, I appreciate this.
Listened to your apology to Rose several times over until I cried... my mother will never say these things to me. Hearing it from you is so comforting and validating. Thank you.
The mom is so manipulative in the way she praised her son- in - law and painted him white without even meeting him in the hopes that if the daughter is hesitant whether to break the no- contact, he'd talk in favor of her like 'good' people do. The language is carefully curated for an unsuspecting 3rd party to believe that she might be repenting and the daughter is at fault for not forgiving her poor sickly mother. My advice is if her fiance doesn't have a first hand experience with narcissists and strong boundaries, don't bother to even convey the message to him or invite her to the wedding. There's a great chance of her mother scapegoating and furthering her abuse and violating her boundaries using her fiance.
@@leaf4958 Most males are not good at reading females. Likely the prospective mother-in-law's lavish "love bomb" praise of the fiance will further distort his lens view of her, if tinted "rose" not "Rose." If Rose "run"s, will she ever find a male mate who can see through her mother's narc gamesmanship? If Rose has explained to her fiance the hard cold facts of her mother's failure to protect Rose as a child from her stepfather's predations, perhaps those "just the facts, Ma'am" may help him see through the mother-in-law's gaslit praise of him and shift of blame to Rose.
I'm so happy the CCF read this letter. I'm 45 and just realizing now that I probably shouldn't have my mom in my life. I just had good things happen to me and she is a viper. Every phone conversation she threatens suicide...or to be specific...she says, " I should just die". And it's all because I won't give her the supply she has always gotten from me. My heart is broken that I don't have family but I am grateful for this video and clarity.
No contact. That's the only solution. I typically don't tell people to do that, but in this case this is to save this woman's life. You are not obligated to deal with someone like this. I don't care who they are.
Omg, this letter sounds like it came directly from my own mother. I spent my life trying to fix myself, I finally did at the age of 55 got the help I so desperately needed. Through medication, therapy and loads of homework in the way of practicing coping skills, plus listening to videos like this and discovering what a narcissist and a gaslighter was, I was finally able to sort my life out. How very freeing it’s been to become the person I was always meant to be. Better late than never right ☺️ I am now 63, and my mother is now 85 and still as toxic as ever. I did what you mentioned about giving yourself emotion and physical boundaries from the abuser. I am finally at peace in life, although she is getting on in years and has several health issues I’ve made my peace with never seeing her again. This is the best decision for me, thank-you for posting this video.💐
At 64 I am in the same basic place you are...and so is my toxic Mom still toxic. I don't know about you, but I really appreciate knowing I am not alone! Hope you are having a good day!
Is there an award for “UA-cam Video of the Year “. Anna, you and your team are fabulous!!! You are changing lives for the better. I love sharing your videos, telling folks about your videos and doing the DAILY PRACTICE. Much love ❤️
So amazing the effect of hearing Anna say what a healthy mother would say in comparison to what was said by Rose’s Mom ,..and my mom her twin narc. Thank you Anna for the unedited-ness!!!!
Omg I’m floored with how similar my mom is to Rose’s. The only difference in that message is that her’s is in English. This video was so helpful to watch. Thank you to Rose for writing, and thank you Ana for addressing this. 🙏💗
My father do the same thing, always bringing things back to himself and talking about how his situation is helpless and how much his life is terrible and how the world his working against him. He even made us believe he was losing the ability to walk and that the doctor told him he will have to live in a wheel chair. Those were all lies. How many tears I've cried empathizing with him, constantly living in fear that he'd kill himself. What a show. The only way I found to get myself free from his grip was to completely cut contact with him and kill him in my head so I don't have to live with that fear anymore. They don't deserve us in their lives.
I can't leave because of my Mom's financial sabotage, but what I started to do was call her out on that stuff and push back on those narratives, until she finally started to leave me alone. She didn't like having her tactics named out loud, and I think she felt a lot of shame.
wow, that letter from Rose's mother. Made me laugh and feel sick at the same time. Please Rose, your mother is horrible. And I hope that Sam sees through this b/s as Anna says. She's making a play for him, 'despite everything my daughter has told you, look at what a wonderful mother I am, telling you that you are the son I would have wanted'. OMG! I had this happen to me as my mother became more and more manipulative as she grew older, realising that she's cornered herself with her own crappy choices. And I was her emotional sponge and punchbag. It ended badly for me because I hadn't got strong enough boundaries at the time. This letter is a gift! Trust Anna and our feedback, and accept that this is the mother you had, and this is the person who mistreated you from the beginning. Acceptance, for me, is more relevant than forgiveness. You are hurt, take it seriously, show yourself genuine compassion. She won't change, protect yourself! Big hugs!
1. Narcissists will never apologize. 2. It's all about them. 3. CCF is absolutely right about setting boundaries, especially if she goes to wedding. Having this kind of parent is really hard. The lack of self-examination and apology is part of the inability to truly love. It's SO hard to deal with figuring out this person is so damaged that they can't actually love you... or worse, they're doing the best they can. IMHO you're doing amazing to be able to see it, pull back, and question, to protect yourself. All the best luck going forward, dealing with the emotional manipulation. I hope Sam doesn't fall for it. I hope you have people who will back you up. ❤️
The best thing I ever did in my life was 1st to move 1400 miles away from my narcissistic mother...and then to finally cut her out of my life 5 years later when she came to visit and exhibited the same behaviors to me AND to my children. It's been a wonderfully freeing and peaceful experience... This was 18 years ago. I do not regret it one bit. I have forgiven her and moved past it. Pathological narcissism is a mental disorder. And I have never known anyone with this to ever change. I refuse to have a relationship with anyone whom I have to...handle....in order to keep the peace. Toxicity is not ok...even if that means writing off a parent. If this were a neighbor down the street, most people wouldn't think twice. So often, when its a parent, people say.. but she's my mother. So. What. I tried working with her and with myself for 38 years. Enough is enough. I am happily married with 3 beautiful children and 2 grandchildren. We are a close close knit family. I broke the cycle entirely. Best thing I ever did, as I said.
Has she ever tried to contact your children when they became adults? Many do and then try to destroy your relationship with your adult children, or they get in contact with one adult grand child and cling to them as their favourite which causes sibling rivalry with the adult grand children.
Oh my goodness. I just found this video, and I'm sitting here in shock. EVERYTHING about this-- the tone, the pacing, the alarmism about health, the "weird" tone, the fake nicey-nice beginning, the sorry-not-sorry "you weren't able to accept my doing my best" shtick, the "I forgive *you* for all the hurt you've caused me with the distance, the excessive praise for the fiancé--- ALL could literally be lifted from multiple actual emails I have received from my mom over the last few years...to the point that I started looking over my shoulder at one pointing feeling like you hacked my email account and I was "Rose"! I will admit, I appreciate your advice and take it so seriously, and I've been struggling along trying to maintain contact with my mom partly guided by your video urging folks to consider *not* going no-contact (which I've never wanted). I felt SO validated by seeing your reacting to just how *crazy* this letter is. Thank you for taking this letter, Anna, and for all the work you do.
When I was 11 my mom found out the nextdoor neighbor was sexually abusing me. She sat me on my bed, told me she knew and explained that no one is allowed to touch my body if I didn't want them to. This felt like it shifted all of the blame on me. I didn't want it to happen. It was embarrassing, once he abused me in front of an audience of peers. Your apology to Rose, the apology she should have gotten from her mom, broke my tear barrier. I couldn't hold it in. When I tried to approach my mom about my childhood, she asked me if we were really still blaming our parents. So tough. Hugs to you Rose 🌹
There's nothing wrong with telling your child she has the right to say no, but that convo should have come AFTER your mom called police on the perpetrator. I was similarly left undefended and wasn't even coached that I had the right to say no. Not that it helps much when the perpetrator is an adult over twice your size and you're conditioned to obey adults without question.
You are a strong person, keep your head up! I believe in you and keep sharing your struggle as it does help others out and I feel comforted with having read part of your struggle. God Bless You and May the good Lord Jesus Christ Heal You!
10 out of 10 for triangulation! As a mom who kept her kids in a situation with an abusive partner for way too long.... I was wrong. I should have been there for them. I've apologized and listen to them now when then tell me how resentful they are sometimes about things I've done and try every day to be the mom they deserve now. I hate that I was like that. You deserved better, too. ❤️
Rose should block her out completely. That evil mother will continue to hurt Rose, and Rose's children. The Mother is trying to get the fiancee on her(the Mother's side) to secure her place in the new family unit. As well as use him to triangulate and try to get attention from and to hurt Rose with that relationship. The evil mother will change tackics and be more sly and underhanded. Evil should never be let back in after they finally get shown the door. I had that with an evil father, MIL(20 YEARS) And an evil sibling. They just don't change. The only way to stop the hurt and abuse is to cut then out COMPLETELY. Evil truly has no place in a heart that desires peace and security and healing.
Didn’t realize how hard Id cry when you gave Rose her apology. I still struggle with accepting that my mom is never going to apologize for the hurt she caused me. Not genuinely and not without blaming me in some way.
Wow, I can see my own biomother writing a word-for-word message like in Rose's letter. Dismissive and defensive, suicide threats after being held accountable, bringing up her own issues as opposed to showing empathy towards my own, glorifying herself while also demeaning herself ("I do [insert noble deed of the day here] for others, but nobody ever was there for me... Except for you, but also not you when it's convenient for me to blow up towards you."), and glorifying my partner. Even when she, at first, exploded at me and treated me like I was her divorcing husband when I told her I was moving in with him. I feel so much for you, Rose. Except for obvious differences in terms of occupation and other details, we could have easily had the same mother. Thank you for talking about your experiences, you're awesome for taking your recovery into your own hands. You will do so much better without her influencing and tarnishing your path towards healing. As a survivor of sexual abuse (COCSA, CSA, SA, incest both covert & overt), I want you to know that you're also valid in how you feel regarding what you faced, and how it was responded to by your mother. You deserve a loving mother who doesn't stand by a sexual predator, and instead cares for her child above her relationships. You deserve justice, not dismissive and woe-is-me sentiments, and your anger is healthy. In my experience, and as sad as it is to say, I learned that we can't actually ask our narc parents for not only genuine, unconditional love & help like we should be able to, but we also can't ask for accountability. A true parent would be there for us 120%, and wouldn't make us feel guilty for their own baggage and issues. I am so sorry that you, like the rest of us, were so badly failed by them. You never deserved to be blamed for being human. Lots of love, and big thank you to Anna and everybody else on this channel! Instasubbed due to the unique approach you take with these topics. Not to diss other channels, but I find that you talk about the intricate, in-depth issues rather than just general narcissism & parenting-related topics. Keep it up!
I love how honest your reaction to the letter was, I was laughing out loud with you! Often when we tell others about our toxic family members, they tend to make excuses for them and it must feel very validating to Rose that you saw through the bull :)
I know that when my mother started taking over when I told her I was getting married, I should have stopped it. Because her making a big production out of it forced me into marrying a guy whom I really never should have married.
This particular case was loaded with content and covered many elements. Pure gold. What a lady Rose is, for opening up to this community. I absolutely appreciate Miss Anna declaring this "mother's" letter bullshit! BINGO! The mother sounds as if she was trying to create an allie within the new husband. I hope he is loyal to Rose and wise enough, not fall for this. Except for the sexual abuse portion, I recognize numerous individuals I am familar with, that utilize similar tactics in the management of their lives. Flipping stories, turning tables, rearranging narratives- what a freak show! Attention seeking, low grade nonsense. Distance, standards, and self repecting boundaries are so valuable.
Wow, wow, wow. That was the most manipulative letter I’ve ever heard. I really hope this lady has someone at her wedding who will keep an eye on her mother at all times, and is prepared to “take her down” if she tries to pull something awful at the wedding, because she is definitely the type who would. And your advice was spot on! Great video. Thanks.
Thank you, Rose, for your letter. Unfortunately, you are not alone in having self-centred parents who warp their children's sense of reality, making it difficult to understand their own needs. Thank you, Crappy Childhood Fairy, for making it easier to see why this is the case for so many of us. PS. I love the suggestions on setting 'sneaky' boundaries without full-blown arguments and drama.
Did my Mom write this letter? So dramatic and manipulative. She took absolutely no responsibility and placed all of the blame and responsibility on Rose.
My heart goes out to Rose, I know those feelings too too well. My Mother wrote me a very similar one when I was expecting my first Grandchild, (her first Great-Grandchild.) We were on rocky ground then due to the years of sexual, physical and mental abuse I endured from her Husband, my Step-Dad. I was also abused a couple of times by two of his Brothers - I really don't know what kind of childhood they themselves had but I dread the thought. My Mother knew of all of this and witnessed many times the physical and emotional abuse. When I told her of the sexual stuff at aged 17 (I was systematically abused from age 5,) she asked me what I'd done to deserve it! Anyway, in this letter she said that she had an idea of why I 'hated her' so much and then went on to mention the incidences with the Brothers as the reason and said she should have listened to me and that there was no excuse for why a Mother wouldn't listen to her own child. The years of hell with my Step-Dad wasn't even mentioned. I was actually taking time out to heal from her and did come to forgive her and my Step-Dad who's own relationship was so so toxic, never physically but mentally and with my Mother having many affairs. They both passed within a couple of years, around 6months apart but I had made my peace by then. I wish Rose, every success in her marriage and a lifetime of love
I never had found a good romantic relationship until three years ago, when I met my husband (who is a successful lawyer and a very supportive and loving partner). When he proposed to me, he gave me his deceased mother's wedding ring). Some months ago he was traveling and she came over for a visit. While she was here, I was not wearing my ring because I had gained some pounds due to the pandemic. It was laying on my working table and I told her about its origin while we were chatting. After she left, the ring disappeared. I searched it all over the house, but it wasn't anywhere. As a naive narcisist child, I didn't realize what was really happening for like two or three months, until I finally come to the obvious conclusion: she had stolen it. Even after realizing that, I didn't say a word until she comes here last Sunday, open my fridge in front of us and start saying that my cousin likes to spend time on her house because there's plenty of food there for him. 😡 I don't know what kind of anger spirit took control of me after that, but yesterday I finally called her and said EVERYTHING I thought about her. She obviously did not take responsibility, but I told her out loud that until she bring my ring back I never wanted to see here again. It was sooooo amazingly good to finally leave the good girl role and express everything I that had been suffocate inside me for so long. I feel like a new chapter of my life started the moment it happened. I hope my testimony may encourage others to do the same.
I was in the process of planning a family wedding when I realized my narc in laws were absolutely going to ruin it for me, even if just by my being worried by them the entire time. So, we eloped. I wish MY family could have been there, and I don't know if they quite understand, but I have no doubt that it was the only way to have a happy wedding day. Now, years later, we are planning a renewal of vows, which WILL involve my family.
Same. I've gotten 4 raises and a promotion and I haven't told my parents any of it. Last time I shared that I got my current job at w considerable raise in salary, she just said "Oh, I hope that doesn't mess up your divorce." #done
I am a psychologist and daughter of a very similar mother. All of Rose's perceptions seem absolutely accurate. Your perception is right, Rose!!! I wish all the best! 💜
Lord Jesus Christ Holy Spirit I need to move forward from narcissism within the family please remove, cleanse, clear, heal and balance this pain so I can be healed from the pain of my mother.
Oh. My. God. That is my mother - exactly. I am nearly 50 and still being abused in this way by my mother, even with boundaries and therapy. It is at point of cutting out of my life which is breaking my heart.
Also, extreme headaches wouldn’t allow writing a letter (a death bed letter is usually written by someone else). With that kind of prognosis You’d just want to be left alone in the dark. Good grief.
This is such a hard thing to work through. My very sick mother believes she is perfectly fine, yet continues to be the abuser she's been since conception. Yeah, born in 1970, my mother did everything she could do to abort me, taking all kinds of quackery meds in 1969, due to abortion being illegal. Well, I'm here, so she never succeeded. Again, this is such a difficult issue, especially when you have a manipulative, covert, and narcissistic mother such as I.
Best to keep her from your wedding, Rose. She will ruin your day because it isn't about her. My mom flies into a rage whenever confronted on anything or creates extreme dramatic situations when the moment is about someone else.
I listened to that message and just felt my stomach go in knots. Thank you Anna for stating how a decent, '' healthy' mother would have replied. I actually found those words so very comforting! By the time, 40 years later, I was able to slightly talk about some of the things she'd said and done, my mother was truly shocked: she'd maintained the 'belief' for all those years that she was the injured party, a wonderful mother of a very 'difficult' child. She was bewildered, ashamed, and after that was kinder, but she was never able to apologise to me. I wish you all the very best Rose. It's great to see that you are learning to trust yourself ❤️
Wow, it’s like listening to my mother, and it doesn’t ever change, it has got worse with age. In addition to the excellent translation, I hear ‘ damn, it’s really happening, my child has someone else important in her life who will take precedent over me, and I can’t stand it’ so the only way to stay in is to conquer and divide by idolising Sam. I apologise if I’m wrong but I want to say ‘Run Rose and Sam, run for the hills and don’t ever look back!’ Best wishes for a great future together x
My life has revolved around my Mom’s Narcissism I am currently caretaking my 93 year old Mom. I’m trying to wrap my head around loving my Mom while now realizing My Mom is incapable of love and has never loved me. My narcissist sister ( 17 years older) just lied about having cancer. I’ve been raised by 2 narcissists . If I thought the sky was blue, both would react; Don’t be ridiculous the sky is neon green. They both have distorted my reality, dismissed me as silly, stupid and irrelevant
Thank you for exposing and explaining narcissistic mothers. When they are not there to protect us, we feel confused and unsupported by the people who are supposed to support us. God bless you for your work !
I am having good and bad days having cut off my mother. Part of me feels like I’ve cut everything off now and that’s how they wanted me, helpless and alone. The other part feels peace, safety, freedom. It’s just another time over learning to walk again. I hope now that these legs are fully my own now that things aren’t quite as much of a struggle as they have been.
Sometimes 'forgiving' is nothing more than shifting from "it shouldn't have happened' to 'it has happened', because fighting with the facts of the past is a waste of your precious energy, like you can't push away the rain or the darkness of the night. Acknowledging that is has happened and there is nothing to be done about it, is as far as you need to go when it comes to forgiving. It can be very healing to realise you DON'T need ANYTHING from the one who hurt you. You are in no way depending on their recognition, acknowledgement or apologies. Don't give away your power by making your healing depending on them. Focus on loving the hurt part of you to the moon and back. The best revenge is to live well! I learned this the hard way. When I confronted my mother with her abusive behaviour when I was little, she said 'I can't remember', jumped up and ran to the kitchen yelling ' you want more tea?' That's when I knew there was no point in trying to get anything from her. And that was actually a good thing. it's all in me.
16:35 she is trying to triangulate here .She hopes that her hursband will read this with her( because she knows she will be stressed from the letter as its her wedding and all that stress will make her vulnerable and probably she will reach out to her husband for advise ) she tries to get him to her side that's why she throws all these compliments about him so he will feel gratitude and thankful and also guilty for supporting his wife. She wants him to be her flying monkey and she is grooming him with compliments
You know, I haven’t been able to talk or interact with my mother for about 6 months now. I’ve been sure she was narc and then so insecure about my sureness. Something in me just can no longer tolerate my mothers presence and the way our conversations are always about her depression, her woes, her feeling sad, her needs, etc etc etc. After hearing Anna respond to this letter, I feel sure again and resolved in my decision to keep a healthy boundary of no contact.
You’re describing my mother. And she did get much worse the better i did in life. I had to remove myself 100%. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in 3 years. I may not ever see her again
When it became clear to my mother that we were really losing contact, she also said "well, if this doesn't change i can always just jump in front of a train". She also threatened my father with divorce, because I put distance between her and me but did try to keep in touch with my dad. Now i'm fully no contact and do not regret it one bit. She has sent me 1 app message that she's sure i thought about her on her birthday and that she thinks about me every day and sends me so much love.. " Just reading it made me feel nausia. By now i have let go of the resentment. I just don't care anymore. But this will never come to a point where i will forgive her. You reading this letter helps people like me so we know we're not crazy. What our mothers did was faul and even worse so when they kept doing this in our adult life, making us doubt reality. Thank you so much for your videos.
I don't know the message sounds genuine. But then I'm pretty bad at identifying abuse and I'd probably write something like this. But then I heard what you said about how it should be written and that makes sense
The GASLIGHTING ! Being able to recognize gaslighting has always been my (conditioned) weakness. You exposed it so well in reading the letter that i could see it too !
I got a 7 page letter the other day from my Mom. Same basic thing just spent more time describing her sickness. Oh, Rose...you are doing great! I'm learning the boundaries now too. It's a hard thing when that inner child wants Mom to love and approve of her and it just isn't in the cards. Sending you my love. Thanks CCF for your response. It was helpful indeed!
Rose, Anna is soo right on……your mother sounds exactly like my npd sister & MIL who both attempted to sabatoge our wedding…..my long scapegoated husband suffered awful abuse for decades, then when he found happiness in marriage she attempted to wedge between us & further abuse him….we went 100% No Contact 7.8 yrs ago & never looked back…..she also would leave us ‘scripted’ messages of how she cared for her son….total bs….it’s a trap….get away & stay away ❤
Yes. It wasn't until I was an adult that I learned that her behaviors toward me were and are abusive. I have had to distance myself. Initially, I thought things would change after a long period of staying away, but I see now that it will continue as long as I allow her in my life. So much of that letter could be my story! They never take any accountability for their actions. They try to project their issues onto you.
I have a narcissist mother and sister who have accused me of being the same as them. My mother is in her 80's and i am waiting for her to die, it will be a relief, I'm in my 50's and just started therapy. I've been told it is easier to list what abuse I didn't suffer, the penny dropped a few weeks ago that I do matter and I can recover from the abuse. Stay away from those toxic people they will not change, I found they used me like a drug.
I came from a narcissist mother and my husband came from an utterly dysfunctional family. My children struggle with all the crazy that we visited on them. I am guilt ridden at how they cope. I had no idea how bad my life really was until very recently. Retirement gave me time to reflect. Too little, too late, I guess.
Thank you for sharing. It is not too late and healing is possible! If you haven't already, try Anna's Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Nika@TeamFairy
Yep ‼️ Both my divorced parents pulled this crap on me, constantly. And that's Exactly why I called of 2 weddings ‼️ I KNEW they would purposely RUIN a wedding, and would Love to Publicly Shame me. Thank you for this ‼️ I felt so alone, and although I am sad so many others have had to live through this kind of abuse, especially from people who were SUPPOSED to Want the best for us, I am a little healed just knowing that I am Not alone in this struggle 🫶🏻
Yes, yes, yes! Anna speaks the truth! This mom reminded me a lot of my mom. I managed to put enough boundaries and people in place to keep her at arm’s length for my wedding day. So then what did she do? Called me a few months later to share her list of things I should have done differently at my wedding. Then a couple years later didn’t call me when my sister’s wedding was canceled due to weather, then back on again, so I missed my sister’s wedding completely. After trying to tell her how hurtful that all was and her defending, blaming, and making excuses, I’ve cut her out. I still struggle with how my wedding went in light of the lack of support I got from her and then her LIST of critiques. All that to say… it doesn’t change with a narcissist. I grieve the loss of my mother, but I choose that grief over the grief she gave me being in my life.
Wow, I love how you put that, because it’s exactly how I feel. Choose the grief of the loss of mothering over the grief of BS narc behavior. Love that! Thank you
Grief team present. I'm so exhausted, afraid and sad all the time after no contact. Must be doing something wrong, my life is out of focus. Brain fog is too much? I'm scared a bit to find out. I had the first half intake for the psychologist. Guys I wish us all so much healing, love, peace and joy. We deserve it!!! 🌌💖💫
@@bbdn5123 I feel you. I think what you describe are all normal as part of grieving. I definitely had lots of anger, exhaustion, body aches, and sadness as a result of the situation with my mom. I'm sorry you're in the thick of it, but you are on the right track! Getting support, feeling the feelings, exploring them, and then releasing them (and your body!) will get you to the other side. Keep going.
I'm going to need surgery to correct the damage I just did from rolling my eyes so hard while listening to this letter.
Lol!
Sooo great I laughed so hard!!! Lololol
🤣
LOL! thanks I needed that!
So true it made me vomit.
Pour one out for the truth tellers who were never believed and never got the justice they deserved. You were right, Rose, and we believe you!
Agreed, I definitely emphasize with Rose.
My dad physically attacked me when I was 10 (to the point where my aunt almost hit him with a frying pan). he screamed at me the whole way home, upon arriving I feared more abuse would ensue; instead dad demanded I forgive him or else I'd end up in eternal hell.
At 10, it never occurred to me that he was manipulating me and that in accordance to our religious faith, he must be accountable for his behavior & repent, only then must I forgive him. sad to say, dad has never apologized nor acknowledged his violent outbursts. Instead he had me institutionalized for "my violent outbursts" when his feet were held to the fire.
🥂✅
Totally at @Alfarera
My mother is a complete narc, she can't stand seeing me happy. Everytime I am happy she tries to bring me down and get me stressed and all along I didn't understand why but this makes complete sense. Thank you.
Sames. 😢I’m so much more regulated now that I limit contact with her.
What leaped out to me was how narc mom tried so hard to triangulate rose and sam. Putting sam on a pedestal in the same message complaining about roses' reaction to abuse. Manipulating narc mom clearly hoped sam would be like "mom in law is so nice and reasonable" while narc mom was being anything but
I picked up on that too.
Yep! The triangulation set up was so obvious!
I really like how Anna was more animated and genuine in human disgust! Very validating!
I also highly respect that she is disciplined in her professionalism.
My fairy good mother. 🥰
Triangulation is one of the top three tactics my BPD/narc Mom uses. It is pretty easy to spot after the first couple of times you get hung up in it.
CLASSIC narc tactic
EXACTLY!
A restraining order could be ordered too if necessary....
It never ceases to amaze me that toxic people always find each other to procreate and continue their abuse on their children.
I've noticed that many of them think that having children is the key to being happy. It sounds normal to most of the world, but many of us know that having children for this reason is a toxic mindset. They're supposed to add joy to your already joyful life, not cure depression.
I mean, sometimes they have kids just so there is another thing to control. Then get more abusive when that controlling grip loosens on an aging human, who's hopefully learning to think for themselves and get somewhere safe in life.
Child abuse is rampant in the US. Look up the statistics. It's horrifying the number of children molested by relatives. It's tragic the number of people who kill one or more members of their family. Society and religions must stop pushing procreation. It's not fair to children who are raised in these abusive, violent situations.
Yes it is so sad . But I’ve heard that “like attracts like” so perhaps that explains it ☹️
This was all by design -- to keep people stuck in a low frequency. We're breaking free now.
I love that Rose is focusing on her own health and healing PRIOR to having her own children and exposing them to the weirdness of her narcissistic mother. Rose is taking positive steps to work towards healthy family life. Rose rocks
Physical abuse from dad and emotional abuse from mom, kudos to rose for making it out
I had a narcisst mother who treated me this way. She was a little more covert, but not when the truth was revealed. My sister is a carbon copy. I ended up severing the relationship...both of them. It was the best thing I could have done.
Interesting how they always favour the sons or the daughters who will be a carbon copy of them
Honesty I almost puked when you were reading the letter because that is exactly how my mother would behave. Supreme manipulation and narcissistic abuse. Like literally word for word. Then I paused and was like, wow, I’m so proud of being totally clear with my emotional sensitivity, and that my gut intuition is bang on. I have healed. Bless you and all, and huge love for your healing paths.
Yes! Same here! Stomach turning and some kind of repell-reaction. Had to pause the video. Breathe. Look at something else for a while.
This sounded like a boyfriend I once had. I still can't defend myself aginst their(psychos) behavior. I hear it, but can't respond properly. So glad to read, that you have healed!!
👀I didn't realize how triggered I would be when you started reading the letter. 😬 I have a similar situation. Thanks for clarity and help 💯💪🏽🙏🏽
Same here 😢
Same -- didn't expect it, but as soon as the blame-shifting started, I got a sense of insects under my skin. Received a not entirely dissimilar email just this May, in fact.
Personally, I can forgive unintentional transgressions, but one of my boundaries is to NOT overlook abusive patterns and NOT forgive the abuser. The fact that this woman/mother did not defend her young daughter, repeatedly, is imo unforgivable. Dearest Rose you may begin the healing process once your mother is removed from your life and no longer mentally and emotionally abusing you. That letter is her gaslighting you. It is her denying her maternal responsibilities. It is her blame-shifting. Her accolades to your fiance is triangulation. She appears to be a classic narcissist. She won't change but you can. Protect yourself and your relationship from her. Find a therapist who is familiar with narcissistic abuse and CPTSD.
triangulation, yes! you nailed it
Girl… you called it! ⚔️❤️⚔️ have boundaries around her like a ninja 🥷.
Yes! Triangulation! Of course, I can see it. My mother has spent a lifetime creating division & destruction in our immediate family through triangulation, of course w/ would do it with ex in laws.
@@FreedomForever116 yes, mine too. Horrendous
what's this "forgive so you don't look like the bad guy" nonsense she is talking about ??? Why does she have to change someone's feelings? at about @13 minutes. The victim has no obligation toward the perpetrator and no! no-one has to change how they feel. Resentment is there for a good reason. Anger is there for a good reason. Don't let anyone tell you that emotions are wrong or how you are suppose to feel, that's abusive. They are NOT wrong ! In fact, they will keep you safe.
They also get worse when bad things happen, too. Remember when you have a narc parent literally everything is your fault.
“She doesn’t sound like someone who can work out problems” was helpful to hear. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do about others’ behavior
This letter made me angry too. So manipulating and disgusting. I wish all the best to Rose and Sam.
Gaslighting, jealousy, dismissive , Selfish.We believe you 🌹
I love your passion and how you provided the real apology that Rose DESERVED to hear. She will probably never hear it from her mom, but I hope she allows your words to sink in and heal her heart as she continues to distance from her mom. She can't change her mom. Her mom HAS to deny wrongdoing because the pain of how she failed Rose would be too overwhelming for HERSELF. Her mom will never give Rose the apology she needs. I hope all the comments for dear Rose help.
I was listening to Anna read this thinking how normal Rose’s mother sounded in her letter… or rather, how normal she probably sounds to most people..
But it was eye opening for me to hear it being read and recognising from the outset that it was so incredibly self indulgent of the mother.
It’s as obvious as a 2 year old playing hide and seek by covering their own eyes while in plain sight!
PS to Anna - I think it’s helpful seeing your genuine reaction to letters like this. You’re a point of truth to your viewers. If you don’t react, we might think we’re over reacting.
Sometimes they are so ridiculous that you have to laugh. I think it’s healthy! No one is personally identified and we know you’re not one to make fun of someone inappropriately.
""I was listening how normal Rose mother sounded, or at least how normal she sounded to most people"" so God damned right!!!!!
Thank you for pointed it that out.
WHAT?!?! ... Absolutely NOT!! The woman sounded manipulative and disingenuous.
@@joanellebracht5311 which woman? I think you misread the message. I was "quoting" on the comment.
The MOTHER.
@@reginap942 SO TRUE. I didn't quite realize that until she pointed that out.
Completely relating to this letter. Thank you Rose and Anna for the clarity around narcissist mothers. The gaslighting is something to behold. It's doubly painful when other family members not only fall for it, but are in league with it, and you look like the horrible daughter. Bravo for this information and compassion. It's great to be finally heard.
exactly...
Yes Carol! This! Deep pain. So sorry you went through this-sending love. I am standing alongside you as someone who has been through the same.
Well said and amen. Sad how many of us there are in this particular club.
Yes! I’m trying to get past the hurt that my extended family sees me as the bad one, the one who is intentionally doing the hurting.
Just chiming in to say I am also a member of this club and extend my truest compassion to you, Carol. I hear you and see your pain.
No one's put it that simply before, Anna - that because our feelings have been disregarded, later on we have trouble trusting if we can make decisions.
Of course my heart goes out to Rose.
I mean I've often read how you're pushed not to have your own feelings, but have had to read so much more before it clearly clicking as straight away as it could, into difficulty later on with decision making. So, I appreciate this.
Listened to your apology to Rose several times over until I cried... my mother will never say these things to me. Hearing it from you is so comforting and validating. Thank you.
We're all sending you support :) -Calista@TeamFairy
The mom is so manipulative in the way she praised her son- in - law and painted him white without even meeting him in the hopes that if the daughter is hesitant whether to break the no- contact, he'd talk in favor of her like 'good' people do. The language is carefully curated for an unsuspecting 3rd party to believe that she might be repenting and the daughter is at fault for not forgiving her poor sickly mother.
My advice is if her fiance doesn't have a first hand experience with narcissists and strong boundaries, don't bother to even convey the message to him or invite her to the wedding. There's a great chance of her mother scapegoating and furthering her abuse and violating her boundaries using her fiance.
@@leaf4958 yeah I hope he sees right through it and believes the letter writer. I'm sure he will.
she has his number for a group text so there was probably some contact prior. Else: HOW did she get that number? Creep factor magnified.
@@MellowJelly *does not believe the letter writer.
@@leaf4958 Most males are not good at reading females. Likely the prospective mother-in-law's lavish "love bomb" praise of the fiance will further distort his lens view of her, if tinted "rose" not "Rose." If Rose "run"s, will she ever find a male mate who can see through her mother's narc gamesmanship? If Rose has explained to her fiance the hard cold facts of her mother's failure to protect Rose as a child from her stepfather's predations, perhaps those "just the facts, Ma'am" may help him see through the mother-in-law's gaslit praise of him and shift of blame to Rose.
I'm so happy the CCF read this letter. I'm 45 and just realizing now that I probably shouldn't have my mom in my life. I just had good things happen to me and she is a viper. Every phone conversation she threatens suicide...or to be specific...she says, " I should just die". And it's all because I won't give her the supply she has always gotten from me. My heart is broken that I don't have family but I am grateful for this video and clarity.
No contact. That's the only solution. I typically don't tell people to do that, but in this case this is to save this woman's life. You are not obligated to deal with someone like this. I don't care who they are.
Omg, this letter sounds like it came directly from my own mother. I spent my life trying to fix myself, I finally did at the age of 55 got the help I so desperately needed. Through medication, therapy and loads of homework in the way of practicing coping skills, plus listening to videos like this and discovering what a narcissist and a gaslighter was, I was finally able to sort my life out. How very freeing it’s been to become the person I was always meant to be. Better late than never right ☺️ I am now 63, and my mother is now 85 and still as toxic as ever. I did what you mentioned about giving yourself emotion and physical boundaries from the abuser. I am finally at peace in life, although she is getting on in years and has several health issues I’ve made my peace with never seeing her again. This is the best decision for me, thank-you for posting this video.💐
Linda I find your story very comforting and inspiring.
At 64 I am in the same basic place you are...and so is my toxic Mom still toxic. I don't know about you, but I really appreciate knowing I am not alone! Hope you are having a good day!
@@Tilly850 I hope you have a good day as well ☺️
Linda: might we have been separated at birth?
Is there an award for “UA-cam Video of the Year “. Anna, you and your team are fabulous!!! You are changing lives for the better. I love sharing your videos, telling folks about your videos and doing the DAILY PRACTICE. Much love ❤️
ABSOLUTELY, Anna is the best YT can offer ❤
100%
So amazing the effect of hearing Anna say what a healthy mother would say in comparison to what was said by Rose’s Mom ,..and my mom her twin narc.
Thank you Anna for the unedited-ness!!!!
@@annaro3123 I think Anna and Patrick Teahan
You can love your parents even if they aren't safe. You have to protect yourself now
Omg I’m floored with how similar my mom is to Rose’s. The only difference in that message is that her’s is in English. This video was so helpful to watch. Thank you to Rose for writing, and thank you Ana for addressing this. 🙏💗
The other thing narcissistic mothers say is " I didn't know that was happening"
They knew, they chose to ignore what they were doing to you.
Exactly
My father do the same thing, always bringing things back to himself and talking about how his situation is helpless and how much his life is terrible and how the world his working against him. He even made us believe he was losing the ability to walk and that the doctor told him he will have to live in a wheel chair. Those were all lies. How many tears I've cried empathizing with him, constantly living in fear that he'd kill himself. What a show. The only way I found to get myself free from his grip was to completely cut contact with him and kill him in my head so I don't have to live with that fear anymore. They don't deserve us in their lives.
Sick! Good for you leaving.✨
I can't leave because of my Mom's financial sabotage, but what I started to do was call her out on that stuff and push back on those narratives, until she finally started to leave me alone. She didn't like having her tactics named out loud, and I think she felt a lot of shame.
When you gave the apology her mother should have given, i felt all the tension go out of my body. Hope she is free.
wow, that letter from Rose's mother. Made me laugh and feel sick at the same time. Please Rose, your mother is horrible. And I hope that Sam sees through this b/s as Anna says. She's making a play for him, 'despite everything my daughter has told you, look at what a wonderful mother I am, telling you that you are the son I would have wanted'. OMG! I had this happen to me as my mother became more and more manipulative as she grew older, realising that she's cornered herself with her own crappy choices. And I was her emotional sponge and punchbag. It ended badly for me because I hadn't got strong enough boundaries at the time. This letter is a gift! Trust Anna and our feedback, and accept that this is the mother you had, and this is the person who mistreated you from the beginning. Acceptance, for me, is more relevant than forgiveness. You are hurt, take it seriously, show yourself genuine compassion. She won't change, protect yourself! Big hugs!
This is a kind, good, nuturing woman right here! I wish all women, mom's, doctors, etc were like this.
Me too 🙏
1. Narcissists will never apologize.
2. It's all about them.
3. CCF is absolutely right about setting boundaries, especially if she goes to wedding.
Having this kind of parent is really hard. The lack of self-examination and apology is part of the inability to truly love. It's SO hard to deal with figuring out this person is so damaged that they can't actually love you... or worse, they're doing the best they can.
IMHO you're doing amazing to be able to see it, pull back, and question, to protect yourself. All the best luck going forward, dealing with the emotional manipulation. I hope Sam doesn't fall for it. I hope you have people who will back you up. ❤️
The best thing I ever did in my life was 1st to move 1400 miles away from my narcissistic mother...and then to finally cut her out of my life 5 years later when she came to visit and exhibited the same behaviors to me AND to my children. It's been a wonderfully freeing and peaceful experience... This was 18 years ago. I do not regret it one bit. I have forgiven her and moved past it. Pathological narcissism is a mental disorder. And I have never known anyone with this to ever change. I refuse to have a relationship with anyone whom I have to...handle....in order to keep the peace. Toxicity is not ok...even if that means writing off a parent. If this were a neighbor down the street, most people wouldn't think twice. So often, when its a parent, people say.. but she's my mother. So. What. I tried working with her and with myself for 38 years. Enough is enough. I am happily married with 3 beautiful children and 2 grandchildren. We are a close close knit family. I broke the cycle entirely. Best thing I ever did, as I said.
Has she ever tried to contact your children when they became adults? Many do and then try to destroy your relationship with your adult children, or they get in contact with one adult grand child and cling to them as their favourite which causes sibling rivalry with the adult grand children.
Oh my goodness. I just found this video, and I'm sitting here in shock. EVERYTHING about this-- the tone, the pacing, the alarmism about health, the "weird" tone, the fake nicey-nice beginning, the sorry-not-sorry "you weren't able to accept my doing my best" shtick, the "I forgive *you* for all the hurt you've caused me with the distance, the excessive praise for the fiancé--- ALL could literally be lifted from multiple actual emails I have received from my mom over the last few years...to the point that I started looking over my shoulder at one pointing feeling like you hacked my email account and I was "Rose"!
I will admit, I appreciate your advice and take it so seriously, and I've been struggling along trying to maintain contact with my mom partly guided by your video urging folks to consider *not* going no-contact (which I've never wanted). I felt SO validated by seeing your reacting to just how *crazy* this letter is. Thank you for taking this letter, Anna, and for all the work you do.
When I was 11 my mom found out the nextdoor neighbor was sexually abusing me. She sat me on my bed, told me she knew and explained that no one is allowed to touch my body if I didn't want them to. This felt like it shifted all of the blame on me. I didn't want it to happen. It was embarrassing, once he abused me in front of an audience of peers. Your apology to Rose, the apology she should have gotten from her mom, broke my tear barrier. I couldn't hold it in. When I tried to approach my mom about my childhood, she asked me if we were really still blaming our parents. So tough. Hugs to you Rose 🌹
Hugs to you too!
You are so brave and incredibly strong...I’m so sorry you weren’t protected
@@CrappyChildhoodFairyyou forgot to say how the mom triangulated the daughter & son in law to shame her even more.
There's nothing wrong with telling your child she has the right to say no, but that convo should have come AFTER your mom called police on the perpetrator. I was similarly left undefended and wasn't even coached that I had the right to say no. Not that it helps much when the perpetrator is an adult over twice your size and you're conditioned to obey adults without question.
You are a strong person, keep your head up! I believe in you and keep sharing your struggle as it does help others out and I feel comforted with having read part of your struggle. God Bless You and May the good Lord Jesus Christ Heal You!
Taking out all their resentment and lack of courage out on us!🤦♀️
10 out of 10 for triangulation! As a mom who kept her kids in a situation with an abusive partner for way too long.... I was wrong. I should have been there for them. I've apologized and listen to them now when then tell me how resentful they are sometimes about things I've done and try every day to be the mom they deserve now. I hate that I was like that. You deserved better, too. ❤️
You Totally Rock! 💜💜
Thank you
Look I'm messy boots. I'm TOTALLY here for that contemptuous energy. READ THAT TOXIC MAMA TO FILTH FAIRY!!!
Rose should block her out completely. That evil mother will continue to hurt Rose, and Rose's children. The Mother is trying to get the fiancee on her(the Mother's side) to secure her place in the new family unit. As well as use him to triangulate and try to get attention from and to hurt Rose with that relationship.
The evil mother will change tackics and be more sly and underhanded. Evil should never be let back in after they finally get shown the door. I had that with an evil father, MIL(20 YEARS) And an evil sibling. They just don't change.
The only way to stop the hurt and abuse is to cut then out COMPLETELY. Evil truly has no place in a heart that desires peace and security and healing.
Oh no this mom will never change and do everything to take away any crumb of happiness you have.
Didn’t realize how hard Id cry when you gave Rose her apology. I still struggle with accepting that my mom is never going to apologize for the hurt she caused me. Not genuinely and not without blaming me in some way.
Wow, I can see my own biomother writing a word-for-word message like in Rose's letter. Dismissive and defensive, suicide threats after being held accountable, bringing up her own issues as opposed to showing empathy towards my own, glorifying herself while also demeaning herself ("I do [insert noble deed of the day here] for others, but nobody ever was there for me... Except for you, but also not you when it's convenient for me to blow up towards you."), and glorifying my partner. Even when she, at first, exploded at me and treated me like I was her divorcing husband when I told her I was moving in with him.
I feel so much for you, Rose. Except for obvious differences in terms of occupation and other details, we could have easily had the same mother. Thank you for talking about your experiences, you're awesome for taking your recovery into your own hands. You will do so much better without her influencing and tarnishing your path towards healing.
As a survivor of sexual abuse (COCSA, CSA, SA, incest both covert & overt), I want you to know that you're also valid in how you feel regarding what you faced, and how it was responded to by your mother. You deserve a loving mother who doesn't stand by a sexual predator, and instead cares for her child above her relationships. You deserve justice, not dismissive and woe-is-me sentiments, and your anger is healthy.
In my experience, and as sad as it is to say, I learned that we can't actually ask our narc parents for not only genuine, unconditional love & help like we should be able to, but we also can't ask for accountability. A true parent would be there for us 120%, and wouldn't make us feel guilty for their own baggage and issues. I am so sorry that you, like the rest of us, were so badly failed by them. You never deserved to be blamed for being human.
Lots of love, and big thank you to Anna and everybody else on this channel! Instasubbed due to the unique approach you take with these topics. Not to diss other channels, but I find that you talk about the intricate, in-depth issues rather than just general narcissism & parenting-related topics. Keep it up!
Ghost the Mother, she will never change.
I love how honest your reaction to the letter was, I was laughing out loud with you! Often when we tell others about our toxic family members, they tend to make excuses for them and it must feel very validating to Rose that you saw through the bull :)
So true!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I know that when my mother started taking over when I told her I was getting married, I should have stopped it. Because her making a big production out of it forced me into marrying a guy whom I really never should have married.
This particular case was loaded with content and covered many elements. Pure gold. What a lady Rose is, for opening up to this community. I absolutely appreciate Miss Anna declaring this "mother's" letter bullshit! BINGO! The mother sounds as if she was trying to create an allie within the new husband. I hope he is loyal to Rose and wise enough, not fall for this.
Except for the sexual abuse portion, I recognize numerous individuals I am familar with, that utilize similar tactics in the management of their lives. Flipping stories, turning tables, rearranging narratives- what a freak show! Attention seeking, low grade nonsense. Distance, standards, and self repecting boundaries are so valuable.
"Distance, standards, and self repecting boundaries are so valuable." Yesss. HEAR HEAR!
Wow, wow, wow. That was the most manipulative letter I’ve ever heard. I really hope this lady has someone at her wedding who will keep an eye on her mother at all times, and is prepared to “take her down” if she tries to pull something awful at the wedding, because she is definitely the type who would. And your advice was spot on! Great video. Thanks.
Yes hopefully something to induce her into a nice siesta from which she can wake when the party's almost done! 🤣
Someone need to slap the shit out of her and give her a genuine reason to play victim, and then do it again while she's playing victim 💀
Better if the mother doesn’t attend the wedding if they are going to be on edge all the time for fear of what the mother could do.
Thank you, Rose, for your letter. Unfortunately, you are not alone in having self-centred parents who warp their children's sense of reality, making it difficult to understand their own needs. Thank you, Crappy Childhood Fairy, for making it easier to see why this is the case for so many of us.
PS. I love the suggestions on setting 'sneaky' boundaries without full-blown arguments and drama.
Did my Mom write this letter?
So dramatic and manipulative. She took absolutely no responsibility and placed all of the blame and responsibility on Rose.
My heart goes out to Rose, I know those feelings too too well. My Mother wrote me a very similar one when I was expecting my first Grandchild, (her first Great-Grandchild.) We were on rocky ground then due to the years of sexual, physical and mental abuse I endured from her Husband, my Step-Dad. I was also abused a couple of times by two of his Brothers - I really don't know what kind of childhood they themselves had but I dread the thought. My Mother knew of all of this and witnessed many times the physical and emotional abuse. When I told her of the sexual stuff at aged 17 (I was systematically abused from age 5,) she asked me what I'd done to deserve it! Anyway, in this letter she said that she had an idea of why I 'hated her' so much and then went on to mention the incidences with the Brothers as the reason and said she should have listened to me and that there was no excuse for why a Mother wouldn't listen to her own child. The years of hell with my Step-Dad wasn't even mentioned. I was actually taking time out to heal from her and did come to forgive her and my Step-Dad who's own relationship was so so toxic, never physically but mentally and with my Mother having many affairs. They both passed within a couple of years, around 6months apart but I had made my peace by then. I wish Rose, every success in her marriage and a lifetime of love
I never had found a good romantic relationship until three years ago, when I met my husband (who is a successful lawyer and a very supportive and loving partner). When he proposed to me, he gave me his deceased mother's wedding ring).
Some months ago he was traveling and she came over for a visit. While she was here, I was not wearing my ring because I had gained some pounds due to the pandemic. It was laying on my working table and I told her about its origin while we were chatting. After she left, the ring disappeared. I searched it all over the house, but it wasn't anywhere. As a naive narcisist child, I didn't realize what was really happening for like two or three months, until I finally come to the obvious conclusion: she had stolen it. Even after realizing that, I didn't say a word until she comes here last Sunday, open my fridge in front of us and start saying that my cousin likes to spend time on her house because there's plenty of food there for him. 😡 I don't know what kind of anger spirit took control of me after that, but yesterday I finally called her and said EVERYTHING I thought about her. She obviously did not take responsibility, but I told her out loud that until she bring my ring back I never wanted to see here again. It was sooooo amazingly good to finally leave the good girl role and express everything I that had been suffocate inside me for so long. I feel like a new chapter of my life started the moment it happened. I hope my testimony may encourage others to do the same.
Rose, you're on POINT!! Stay away from that manipulative woman, masquerading as a Mom.
I was in the process of planning a family wedding when I realized my narc in laws were absolutely going to ruin it for me, even if just by my being worried by them the entire time.
So, we eloped.
I wish MY family could have been there, and I don't know if they quite understand, but I have no doubt that it was the only way to have a happy wedding day.
Now, years later, we are planning a renewal of vows, which WILL involve my family.
This is so validating. Thank you
I don’t share positive things with my mom anymore because of this same type of behavior
Same. I've gotten 4 raises and a promotion and I haven't told my parents any of it. Last time I shared that I got my current job at w considerable raise in salary, she just said "Oh, I hope that doesn't mess up your divorce." #done
I am a psychologist and daughter of a very similar mother. All of Rose's perceptions seem absolutely accurate. Your perception is right, Rose!!! I wish all the best! 💜
Lord Jesus Christ Holy Spirit I need to move forward from narcissism within the family please remove, cleanse, clear, heal and balance this pain so I can be healed from the pain of my mother.
Oh. My. God. That is my mother - exactly. I am nearly 50 and still being abused in this way by my mother, even with boundaries and therapy. It is at point of cutting out of my life which is breaking my heart.
Also, extreme headaches wouldn’t allow writing a letter (a death bed letter is usually written by someone else). With that kind of prognosis You’d just want to be left alone in the dark.
Good grief.
Your hair is fab Anna 👱♀️
Rose, rose, rose, rose…girl! I hear you, sister! Take care, beautiful soul!
I started crying when you read Rose’s letter. 😢
The mother needs to be kept away from any future family. She's dangerous and will poison the relationship. 🙏 I hope Rose stays healthy 💜
Sounds like my mom. I know this isn’t my letter but I felt so seen. I know what I need to do with my mother
This is such a hard thing to work through. My very sick mother believes she is perfectly fine, yet continues to be the abuser she's been since conception. Yeah, born in 1970, my mother did everything she could do to abort me, taking all kinds of quackery meds in 1969, due to abortion being illegal. Well, I'm here, so she never succeeded. Again, this is such a difficult issue, especially when you have a manipulative, covert, and narcissistic mother such as I.
Best to keep her from your wedding, Rose. She will ruin your day because it isn't about her. My mom flies into a rage whenever confronted on anything or creates extreme dramatic situations when the moment is about someone else.
Total drama. Well done Anna.
I listened to that message and just felt my stomach go in knots. Thank you Anna for stating how a decent, '' healthy' mother would have replied. I actually found those words so very comforting!
By the time, 40 years later, I was able to slightly talk about some of the things she'd said and done, my mother was truly shocked: she'd maintained the 'belief' for all those years that she was the injured party, a wonderful mother of a very 'difficult' child. She was bewildered, ashamed, and after that was kinder, but she was never able to apologise to me.
I wish you all the very best Rose. It's great to see that you are learning to trust yourself ❤️
Wow, it’s like listening to my mother, and it doesn’t ever change, it has got worse with age. In addition to the excellent translation, I hear ‘ damn, it’s really happening, my child has someone else important in her life who will take precedent over me, and I can’t stand it’ so the only way to stay in is to conquer and divide by idolising Sam. I apologise if I’m wrong but I want to say ‘Run Rose and Sam, run for the hills and don’t ever look back!’
Best wishes for a great future together x
My life has revolved around my Mom’s Narcissism
I am currently caretaking my 93 year old Mom.
I’m trying to wrap my head around loving my Mom while now realizing My Mom is incapable of love and has never loved me.
My narcissist sister ( 17 years older) just lied about having cancer.
I’ve been raised by 2 narcissists .
If I thought the sky was blue, both would react;
Don’t be ridiculous the sky is neon green.
They both have distorted my reality, dismissed me as silly, stupid and irrelevant
You can heal now, so glad you are in our community :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for exposing and explaining narcissistic mothers. When they are not there to protect us, we feel confused and unsupported by the people who are supposed to support us. God bless you for your work !
I am having good and bad days having cut off my mother. Part of me feels like I’ve cut everything off now and that’s how they wanted me, helpless and alone. The other part feels peace, safety, freedom. It’s just another time over learning to walk again. I hope now that these legs are fully my own now that things aren’t quite as much of a struggle as they have been.
Sometimes 'forgiving' is nothing more than shifting from "it shouldn't have happened' to 'it has happened', because fighting with the facts of the past is a waste of your precious energy, like you can't push away the rain or the darkness of the night. Acknowledging that is has happened and there is nothing to be done about it, is as far as you need to go when it comes to forgiving. It can be very healing to realise you DON'T need ANYTHING from the one who hurt you. You are in no way depending on their recognition, acknowledgement or apologies. Don't give away your power by making your healing depending on them. Focus on loving the hurt part of you to the moon and back. The best revenge is to live well! I learned this the hard way. When I confronted my mother with her abusive behaviour when I was little, she said 'I can't remember', jumped up and ran to the kitchen yelling ' you want more tea?' That's when I knew there was no point in trying to get anything from her. And that was actually a good thing. it's all in me.
16:35 she is trying to triangulate here .She hopes that her hursband will read this with her( because she knows she will be stressed from the letter as its her wedding and all that stress will make her vulnerable and probably she will reach out to her husband for advise ) she tries to get him to her side that's why she throws all these compliments about him so he will feel gratitude and thankful and also guilty for supporting his wife. She wants him to be her flying monkey and she is grooming him with compliments
oh my.... what an absolute horror
Best to keep her mother disowned to keep her own sanity ..
I think this video changed my life 🙏🏽
You know, I haven’t been able to talk or interact with my mother for about 6 months now.
I’ve been sure she was narc and then so insecure about my sureness.
Something in me just can no longer tolerate my mothers presence and the way our conversations are always about her depression, her woes, her feeling sad, her needs, etc etc etc. After hearing Anna respond to this letter, I feel sure again and resolved in my decision to keep a healthy boundary of no contact.
Rose, your mom and my mom should get to be friends and leave us alone!
haha
-Cara@TeamFairy
You’re describing my mother. And she did get much worse the better i did in life. I had to remove myself 100%. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in 3 years. I may not ever see her again
I love that you say what the letter sender needs to hear and call bs on what the mom says
When it became clear to my mother that we were really losing contact, she also said "well, if this doesn't change i can always just jump in front of a train". She also threatened my father with divorce, because I put distance between her and me but did try to keep in touch with my dad. Now i'm fully no contact and do not regret it one bit. She has sent me 1 app message that she's sure i thought about her on her birthday and that she thinks about me every day and sends me so much love.. " Just reading it made me feel nausia.
By now i have let go of the resentment. I just don't care anymore. But this will never come to a point where i will forgive her.
You reading this letter helps people like me so we know we're not crazy. What our mothers did was faul and even worse so when they kept doing this in our adult life, making us doubt reality. Thank you so much for your videos.
I don't know the message sounds genuine. But then I'm pretty bad at identifying abuse and I'd probably write something like this. But then I heard what you said about how it should be written and that makes sense
I'm pretty sure your reading a letter from my mother! And Thank you Anna for your response it's a huge help!
Rose it was so brave of you to tell when you were a kid!
The GASLIGHTING ! Being able to recognize gaslighting has always been my (conditioned) weakness. You exposed it so well in reading the letter that i could see it too !
I got a 7 page letter the other day from my Mom. Same basic thing just spent more time describing her sickness. Oh, Rose...you are doing great! I'm learning the boundaries now too. It's a hard thing when that inner child wants Mom to love and approve of her and it just isn't in the cards. Sending you my love. Thanks CCF for your response. It was helpful indeed!
Rose, Anna is soo right on……your mother sounds exactly like my npd sister & MIL who both attempted to sabatoge our wedding…..my long scapegoated husband suffered awful abuse for decades, then when he found happiness in marriage she attempted to wedge between us & further abuse him….we went 100% No Contact 7.8 yrs ago & never looked back…..she also would leave us ‘scripted’ messages of how she cared for her son….total bs….it’s a trap….get away & stay away ❤
Yes. It wasn't until I was an adult that I learned that her behaviors toward me were and are abusive. I have had to distance myself. Initially, I thought things would change after a long period of staying away, but I see now that it will continue as long as I allow her in my life. So much of that letter could be my story! They never take any accountability for their actions. They try to project their issues onto you.
YES THIS IS TOO ACCURATE
One word for letter writer and her fiancee ELOPE!
I have a narcissist mother and sister who have accused me of being the same as them. My mother is in her 80's and i am waiting for her to die, it will be a relief, I'm in my 50's and just started therapy. I've been told it is easier to list what abuse I didn't suffer, the penny dropped a few weeks ago that I do matter and I can recover from the abuse. Stay away from those toxic people they will not change, I found they used me like a drug.
I came from a narcissist mother and my husband came from an utterly dysfunctional family. My children struggle with all the crazy that we visited on them. I am guilt ridden at how they cope. I had no idea how bad my life really was until very recently. Retirement gave me time to reflect. Too little, too late, I guess.
Thank you for sharing. It is not too late and healing is possible! If you haven't already, try Anna's Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day.
Nika@TeamFairy
It's forgiving ourselves actually for going so long through all of this...
Isn't it?
Cause we can't change the other.
Yep ‼️ Both my divorced parents pulled this crap on me, constantly. And that's Exactly why I called of 2 weddings ‼️ I KNEW they would purposely RUIN a wedding, and would Love to Publicly Shame me.
Thank you for this ‼️ I felt so alone, and although I am sad so many others have had to live through this kind of abuse, especially from people who were SUPPOSED to Want the best for us, I am a little healed just knowing that I am Not alone in this struggle 🫶🏻
Ninja boundaries!! Yes, I love that concept. So subtle they don't even realize what you are doing.
Yes, yes, yes! Anna speaks the truth! This mom reminded me a lot of my mom. I managed to put enough boundaries and people in place to keep her at arm’s length for my wedding day. So then what did she do? Called me a few months later to share her list of things I should have done differently at my wedding. Then a couple years later didn’t call me when my sister’s wedding was canceled due to weather, then back on again, so I missed my sister’s wedding completely. After trying to tell her how hurtful that all was and her defending, blaming, and making excuses, I’ve cut her out. I still struggle with how my wedding went in light of the lack of support I got from her and then her LIST of critiques. All that to say… it doesn’t change with a narcissist. I grieve the loss of my mother, but I choose that grief over the grief she gave me being in my life.
Wow, I love how you put that, because it’s exactly how I feel.
Choose the grief of the loss of mothering over the grief of BS narc behavior.
Love that! Thank you
Grief team present. I'm so exhausted, afraid and sad all the time after no contact. Must be doing something wrong, my life is out of focus. Brain fog is too much? I'm scared a bit to find out. I had the first half intake for the psychologist. Guys I wish us all so much healing, love, peace and joy. We deserve it!!! 🌌💖💫
Grieving the loss of a good family -Támara Hill
These 2 videos popped up today. Gonna watch it and have a lovely day.
@@bbdn5123 I feel you. I think what you describe are all normal as part of grieving. I definitely had lots of anger, exhaustion, body aches, and sadness as a result of the situation with my mom. I'm sorry you're in the thick of it, but you are on the right track! Getting support, feeling the feelings, exploring them, and then releasing them (and your body!) will get you to the other side. Keep going.
G&G Reading what your mum did made me feel angry
Anna, quite simply: you are a splendid human being! Heaps of blessings for you.
Thank you so much for reading the letter. I wish i could say more and express myself but I just can't....