When you have been raised by Narcissistic parents, the grieving is about the childhood that you were not allowed to have. Instead you had to carry a burden that was much too heavy for your little shoulders: you had to take care of your parents. And this is a paradox that will result in a long rat tail: being trained into this feelings and behave you will attract more toxic people in your life - like the light attracts mosquitos.
The first step is to realize it had nothing to do with you. You were not the fault or cause. For generations this is the way it was and they just repeated what was done to them and they didn’t have the strength to face it or change it, but a lot of us out here are trying to end that generational trauma and look for healthier ways of living. I know it sounds off but they might have been better parents if they had the courage to face it and change. Be grateful that you are.
I was married for about 20 years before I realized I had "married my mother." It came out of some thoughts I had after reading an article by some idiot male researchers in which they claimed that "women marry their fathers" - i.e., pick a man just like Daddy. (No mention was made about men marrying Momma, curiously...) Anyway, when I pondered it, I knew for a fact that my narc husband was nothing like my Dad, with whom I had a loving relationship. Then the lightning hit - he was just like my mother. I had married what was familiar to me without consciously realizing it. After 45 years I am now in the process of leaving. They don't change or improve (Mom never did, either), and now that I'm in my upper 60's, I'm cutting my losses at last so I can enjoy what time I have left.
@@susansheldon2707😮😮😮omg... There were times i'd actually tell my narcspouse, "You're as bad as/worse than MY MOM" - who ended up living with narcspouse and me til her passing, but was herself a very injured narcissist. What u just said made it clearer to me how even both their roles were really ...primed for cohesion... to be a juggernaut of narcissism against me, but both of them used their own favorite tactics.
It was like dominos for me. From not knowing what narcissism was to realizing I was dating one to realizing my business partner was one to the final kicker: realizing my father was one. It was a total deconstruction of my reality. I had to remove every single one of them from my life. The grief has been overwhelming.
At some point in time, those abused by narcissists just give up trying to make amends out of sheer exhaustion from processing an endless loop of inexplicable behavior.
My narc father sold my empathic mother a fake bill of goods. He was an entrepreneur, sportsman, man about town. Outsiders thought he was terrific. He worked to achieve that adoration from strangers, whilst heaving emotional abuse on his family. My mother was a loving, trusting, caring person who was taught to accept others @ face value. I grieved that my father was a fraud~and nothing @ all like my friend's fathers. I then went on to marry an emotionally unavailable malignant narc who followed the same playbook. The grief was palpable, but not as all encompassing as grieving the parent I never had. The choice in a narc partner happened because we gravitate to what is familiar~even if it's bad for us.
I was married to a narcissist husband. I was that mother to my kids. Thank you so much for saying what they were feeling. I feel like I failed them. I had no idea what a narcissist was I would have left. I grieved first and blamed myself. Then I thought I did nothing wrong. I just didn’t know I was married to a demon who set out to destroy me and try to steal my sole from God.
@@ReRe_642I understand those feelings. I'm here to tell you, you did all you could, all you knew. You cared! We can't recognize and properly deal with something we don't know exists (narcissism)!
We need to be forgiving of ourselves. The relationship we had with the narc does not define us, nor did we ask to be mistreated when all we wanted to do was share ourselves and our love - even if we missed the red flags.
The grieving can impact you very deeply. Especially when your parents (or first caregivers) have been Narcissists. You were not only been robbed of your entire childhood, but your whole identity has also been stolen from you.
It's worse after you've had kids with such a person. It's not just the loss of the person you have to grieve, but the loss of the happy family at every single holiday. A single person you can get over and eventually replace. The loss of that family integrity is forever.
It is the one thing you wanted most that was set up for failure. To recall the first underminded comments that threw you. To think this was intentional, to see how it was implemented, to know that they don't want the best outcomes for your children..that betrayal hits deep.
Absolutely agree! My narc mother and narc ex worked together to alienate my children from me. One child returned, however, it’s still a fragile relationship r/t the tapes of lies still play in her head. Holidays forever gone🥲
Grieving the loss of the marriage/family I thought I had having to reconcile that to what he was actually doing (multiple long-term affairs and hookups) as well as grieving the loss of the future I thought I would have. Having to start over as a divorced 60 year old is not how I thought my life would turn out and struggling with grief and the unfairness is difficult. Prayers for all of you living this.
Me too, Aaron. Packing it all up at this point, all of life’s rubble I’m left dealing with while he’s reveling on azure seas. Dr.C & Dr.R gave me the green light to accept it and find the peace in the midst of it all. They should be nominated for sainthood. 😇👼
Can't wait for this one! Narc father is now in his 80's and it's just too late now for him to ever be the caring and loving parent that I needed so much. I grieve the dad who never was and never will be.
My narcissist father is 88 years old. I'm 43 because I was adopted when he was 45 years old. I gave up trying to have a relationship with him in 2016 after decades of him being verbally and physically abusive to me. After finding out about narcissism I realized he's never going to change. Even if he did try to change, I don't have 5 to 10 years of time to waste to see if his therapy is changing him. I'm just glad I escaped in my 30's.
Me too. And I am now dealing with recognizing what my dad is along with a husband of 40 years. I have had 3 years of not living with a narcissist in my entire life. That has hit me hard.
This is the most difficult part for the victim(s) to accept about the narcissist. Whatever they presented as their "good side" is purely an illusion. They will protect that illusion at all costs. Narcissists would rather die than admit that they are anything less than perfect.
Discovering the illusion is still mind bending for me at times. I’ve been two months away from my narc husband and I know it’s going to take time. I’m feeling better now than I was two months ago but knowing about the falsehood presented so seamlessly as truth is still difficult to grasp.
I disagree, narcissists will do everything possible to destroy you to protect their illusion. They think too highly of themselves to even consider their own death.
What's worse than figuring out your loved one is a narcissist? Being born to a parent who's a pathological narcissist, being subjected to decades of second-guessing, living as the their scapegoat convinced you, yourself, are the problem. Yes, I grieved for 46 years over the daily frustrations, trying to figure out what I did wrong; only to finally realize, at 46, that I wasn't the problem. By the time our narcissist parent died, my tears had been dry for many years. There was simply nothing left to grieve.
I find it difficult if not impossible to grieve anything about the narcissist I dated. The more I got to know him, the less I liked him, and I didn’t start out liking him that much. I can honestly say the day I went nc was the best day. The only thing I felt bad about is that I was stupid enough to engage in a relationship with him when I saw he was a nutcase from the beginning.
I think the hardest part is accepting that the narcissist is evil. If you grow up with narc parents you have to find some good in them to help you cope and survive these families. I will have to let this childish belief go and accept the truth.
No I think my parents were good parents. I think they chose the lesser of two evils in this world. Tough decisions were made. Nothing is free. Spiritual death brings about a death to parts of the mind and this has consequences too. But I think the best of them even though can’t associate again on this earth.
The grieving process - from loss to acceptance - is not linear. Took me a few years. It sucks but always remember that the person you thought you knew never existed. Anyone can be pleasant in the good times but as Dr C stated in previous videos, stress and strain reveal the real character.
Again I say, thank you Dr. Carter. You’ll never know this side of Heaven how many people you have helped understand what we have been experiencing. Thank you again. May God Bless you and your family. One of team Healthy.
This is an especially somber subject, grieving all the “ what ifs, the it’s too bad that such and such happened,why, how comes, the could-a, would-a, should-a’s, “etc But I’m here now. I never would have come across Surviving Narcissism nor joined Team Healthy otherwise. I had to lose a lot to get right here, but this is where I feel the best! Thank you for all your hard work. When I hear your theme song, it’s like food for my soul. Don’t ever get rid of your music, Dr. C! I feel hope and energy fill my body when it plays! What a blessing that you can share your expertise on this subject to anyone with a cell phone or a computer and help those who don’t even know that narcissism even exists. I’ve come a long way in five years , even though I’m back here (not my fault, I was duped). Every lesson helps, it never gets old.thank you for everything you put out. I would also like to take a moment to express my gratitude for all the wonderful people who are a part of team healthy. The ones who line up in the group chat while we’re waiting for your video to premiere. such wonderful, kind, supportive, friendly, caring people. We have the best men and women in this space. And dogs (GUS).Great video thanks again.
Biggest grief is not being to understand the Sociopath’s short-term thinking mindset. Nothing good in life comes quickly. Relationships take openness, vulnerability and long term commitment, but the narcissist for some reason just think well, if I wear this person out, I will just move on to the next. Pure insanity.
What you said is profound. Short term thinking, yes! Nothing good comes quickly, yes! They want everything in a nutshell. Terrific set of words you spoke here, thank you!
Grief is the emotional loss and the grieving can be about: 1. Trust .. you feel used 2. Friendliness .. little more than distortion 3. Affection .. turned into disgust 4. Helpfullness .. turned into demands 5. Encouragement .. became critizism 6. Normal expectations .. constant desillusionments 7. Disagreements .. turned into badgering 8. Conflict .. became abusive 9. Plans .. became schemes 10. Shared activities .. just transactions Be aware: 》They are chameleons 》You were played, you were duped 》Their positives merely covered the dark side 》Mistreatment proved they were not safe 》You were stunned by the lack of remorse There are 5 stages of grief: 1. Shock and denial 2. Pain and guilt 3. Anger is aroused 4. Depression and loneliness 5. Acceptance Grief can be tied to healthy desires!!! 》Give yourself permission to have the emotions 》Be patient with yourself 》Don't isolate, reach out 》Don't go too deeply into rumination 》Remember, you live in a broken world 》Stay focused on your character, integity 》Growth can arise from your internal pain 》Stay to Dignity, Respect, Civility Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
Grieving arises whenever you experience a significant loss in your life. In this particular case your grieving is more complex and it starts with the realization that there will never be a real closure unless you decide to draw a line into the sand.
Closure isn’t possible in most cases. Plus it’s a useless term. Closure for me is when I can forgive and WALK AWAY! Forgiveness doesn’t mean we have to stay in it! It’s more for us, it lets us walk on and live our lives.
I truly appreciate this topic. Weather consciously or unconsciously, I definitely grieve for the husband I will never have, because of his narcissism. I will never have that deep fulfilling connection to him that I wanted, before I found out what he was really like. That is sad...for anyone to discover... I think that finding out that you are married to a narcissist, is the greatest kind of aloneness. You understand that the one who claimed to love and cherish you, the one who claimed to honor you, the one who claimed they would become your closest, most trusted, loyal friend, confidant, protector...it was all lies... They don't love you. They never did and they never will. They actually hate you. They don't care to know anything about you. They are only using you for what you can offer them. Very sad....
Ditto on everything you said. I am now leaving my narc husband of 45 years. Each time I feel a little guilty, more and more memories of his myriad acts of contempt and hatred toward me come to mind. And I am reassured all over again that I NEED to be away from him for good. He won't ever change, just play act it for a little while before reverting to the same dark hatred.
I struggled for a long time with all that you mentioned. I took it personally and was hard on myself. But what has helped recently is knowing that my covert narc husband isn’t just singling me out. He is the same with all the relationships in his life. That’s not my fault / problem. It’s his. For some reason shifting my perspective has helped.
@@BBurton1219 For years in my marriage, I didn't know what was wrong. I didn't have a name to give to the problems that I was dealing with in the marriage. I would constantly try to do things for him to lighten his mood or gain his approval. But, it never worked, and I did have self doubts and so much depression and frustration, because I couldn't understand what was wrong. Was it all my fault? That's what he would tell me! But, after years of marriage I started to search the internet for answers and stumbled upon the topic of narcissism. The more I read and listened, it was as if these people had peered into every detail of my marriage. I could not believe that everything they were saying was spot on! So, once I learned more about narcissism and narcissistic abuse THEN I began to feel free! THEN I discovered that all the garbage that he tried to put on me, actually came from within himself! He was just projecting it all on to me! I learned that he is the one with deep emotional turmoil, not me. He is the one stuck inside his anger and contempt, not me. He is the one that fits the ugly description that he tried to project on me, not me! The knowledge that I gained on this topic was so freeing and empowering! I too, through knowledge, was able to shift my perspective. All the ugly names he called me, all the judgemental criticisms he flung at me, all the anger and hatred he exhibited toward me really had nothing to do with me! These are all the things he felt and thought about himself, but his mind couldn't cope with all that, so he tried projecting his garbage on to me. Perspective is everything!!! It is self healing and positive.
Apropos of nothing, but I see the dog on the couch behind Dr. Carter - You know, no one does relaxation like a dog or cat sacked out on the couch. : ) They really let go of their cares, which is inspiring, because we humans have such a hard time doing that.
I am 32 years old. I was born to love my narc mom (this is what she told me!). I'm now at this acceptance stage that I can not change her. I've tried my entire life to help that woman, even put my own families needs aside for hers, and I'm done being treated like I'm less than. If my adult self still can not receive the love, guidance, and wisdom that an older parent should be providing, then what are we doing here? I'm getting out of this eddy and going forward with my life.
The life I thought I would be living, all of the promises that were made to me that were broken, all of the things that I thought were going to happen that haven’t happened, all of the time that’s gone by and now is lost, being this different person that I didn’t want to be, being treated in such a terrible way, being completely and utterly disrespected, being accused of being somebody that I’m not, all of the good things that I did just being totally ignored as if they are nothing. Having to start again at age 51! Feeling incredibly lonely. Not seeing my stepdaughter and my cat, wanting that part back. Not being in the life I thought I would be. Being outcast. Having to fight him in court. He gets to have all the good parts and I’m over here struggling even though I helped him build it. All of these things and more…
It feels like you are describing my life. Did you also have this turning point when you thought “either I get out and stay away or I will disappear completely “? I think we grieve our entire person in a relationship like this.
@@PaulineMesplou Absolutely! I had pretty much disappeared in the relationship because I wasn’t “allowed” any decision-making capacity, he decided and “told” me. And in terms of our own important things we need to do, they get ignored or talked about a bit but not really cared about. The person is self absorbed so there is little space for our needs in an equal way. I used to look in the mirror and think who are you, I had changed so much. Now when I look in the mirror I’m back, just a lot older now. Sending much love to you. Step by step we get there and rebuild.
Okay, that's the sad side, but there's a bright side! You're grieving the exact things I'm grieving, but you're 20 years younger, so thank God for that! Because of my male parent's actions and effects on me, I couldn't even call God my Father until I was in my 60s. I'll tell you right now, thankfulness is the antidote, the cure. And knowing who to thank, which is Our Loving Heavenly Father! He's not responsible for another person's bad actions. He promises to be with us always. And believe me, this is so much better! He takes me by the hand and leads me!
I've thought if my dad had died when I was young rather than a long lived malignant narcissist I could have the false comfort of thinking he would have loved me.
One of the many grievings might be about the big confusion in your head, which is called "dissociation". Because of the "hot-cold shower" your brain lost the ability to combine perceptions into a normal, fully comprehensive experience.
Thank you so much. I'm new here. This is extremely relatable. I've been married to a bully for 26 years. He was so charming when we dated. I feel it was false advertising on his part. It's gradually gotten worse and now I feel trapped. However here in the comments, I see I'm not alone -- this helps a lot.
When I saw the title of this video, I knew I needed to listen to it. Because many people just don't get what we go through and because we can't speak freely of these experiences because of that, it makes a huge impact to hear you put it so succinctly. These are foundational betrayals of love and trust. You want to be friends with your parents - you want to trust them. You want the love you thought you found with a man to be real. But when those people are narcissists and abusive toward you, when they repeatedly lie to you and do harm to your sense of self and won't stop those behaviors, you have to free yourself from those relationships in order to survive. You have to face the fact that they don't love you and that they won't see you or hear you. Most people don't understand the grief of realizing that. Thanks for understanding and speaking about it.
Thank you Dr. Carter. I wish I could meet you in person so that I could shake your hand. Thank you so much for sharing your wise advice. Some of us are going through the most horrendous stuff because of the narcissist and your wisdom is so needed. Thank you.
My mother is a covert narcissist. I went "no contact" back in March 2024. I'm not grieving the loss of no longer having a mother. She told me, before we went our separate ways, that she never wanted children, that I was a huge disappointment and embarrassment (because she can't brag on me to make herself appear more important than anyone else's kids). She never wanted grandchildren. I never had kids and, now, her friends are all talking about their grandkids and my mom is now angry that she doesn't have grandkids. It just goes on and on. I'm not perfect, which irritated her. I was never allowed to fail at anything, make mistakes, etc. I'm needing therapy to get over my anger towards my mother, 'cause it's just getting more intense. I'm looking into a therapist in my town.
Several years ago right before my mother passed, I was standing in Church with her. In front of us was our Bible Study teacher and his family. His 20 year old daughter was standing with her arm around him, hugging him. My tears were rolling down, and I thought it was because my mom was dying. But later I realized I was mourning the fact that I never had a dad that I could trust and be affectionate with. Maybe for the first time I was seeing what a real dad could be like.
That's exactly what my therapist told me after a shocking experience I had a few months ago, that I have to grieve it and forgive myself first... I'm in progress, as time goes by I feel better, Life is a Lesson!!!
The feelings you spoke of is still fresh in my mind after years have passed since my divorce. I believe in my soul Dr. C the worst pain I felt from her going through all that abuse was the betrayal of intimacy. That pain almost destroyed me but thank god i’m on the other side now and moving forward. thanks 😊
The timing of your videos are always perfect. A few weeks ago I was looking back and realizing that the girl I had fallen in love with just…never existed. It was all just another mask.
The biggest source of grief was, is and always will be for me the grieving the lost decades with narc-ents and n-exes. I spend no time thinking of them. And now I have found my Healthy! Thanks Dr C and SIR GUS! And the one and only TH!
Even some time after discard and even when you are well into healing, it’s difficult to know how much they pretended. Mine pretended to be a different and ‘good’ person for three years before the cold and (what I made final) mask slip. Mine admitted that he had a “nice fake face” and it was the one he liked to show me until I knew better and joined up the inconsistencies. The elements of illusion and delusion are unreal. 2 years of healing chalked up. Life is real once again. No contact is so protective and restorative.
Totally get this. Jekyll and Hyde is a good analogy. My narc must’ve played various characters - he was a superb actor via his persona with a real nastiness beneath. Fooled me for 3 years and then I joined up the dots. Weirdest time of my life.
A counselor said something to me once that completely freaked me out. I've always thought my dad didn't like me, I searched for years to figure what it was about me that made me unlikable but I couldn't find it. The counselor said I couldn't find it because it wasn't there. My world, my body, shifted like tectonic plates! I'll never forget that sense that my entire world had shifted and I've felt so much better for all these years since she said that. One sentence worked miracles for me.
My father seemed to not like me during much of my adult life, but I’ve finally realised it was most likely because my narc mother fed him constant lies about me to make herself look better in his eyes.
People can experience the different stages of grief in any order and repeatedly. It's painful to find the people we love exist mostly in unrealised potential. One feels less pain and less alone to be alone than to stay in the company of ingenuine, cruel people.
My grandma used to say about my narc stepmom, "I could like her, if she would just act right!" Yes I also grieve the relationship I never had with my narc sister 😢
Greetings from Slovenija Dr C. I hope you and your family are well. We send love and best wishes on the 80th anniversary of D-day and give you solemn and respectful thoughts for those who made the ultimate sacrifice and are no longer with us. Lest we forget. Warm and sunny here. Keep on rockin' in Texas. 🎸😎🍺👍
I feel guilty saying the man I was seeing is narcissistic. When I met him he was still married but had been separated from his wife for at least 6 years. It has been 8 years since then, and his actions have never matched his words. I finally gave up any hope a month ago that he was ever going to honor his words. He considers himself a Christian but him trying to tell me that God was blessing our relationship even though he was still married made no sense to me. That is not the God I have come to know.
When you realize someone has been lying to you, and lying to themself as well, you should never trust anything they ever say thereafter. You'll never know when it's truth or just another lie. Get back to God's Word as your standard and don't compromise it for anyone.
They would rather die than acknowledge what they were, or try to change. And a real part of my grief was that it would have taken so little for everything be so much better. Life could have been so much better, with even a little work on their parts, parents and spouse. But they would not. Refused, to see the damages, or any other way to be. Flat out refused. And another grief is that due to being so damaged by them that I have no idea what a kindly and good relationship could be, or how to find such a person, as obviously my 'chooser' is broken. And so much more.
With the click of a finger they could have chosen to make it better and could still choose. They think we deserve all of this, they rationalise it all in their minds and they can’t tell the truth to themselves, so that makes it pretty impossible. I really feel what you’re saying I have thought that so often as well. Blessings and happiness to you. We can get there, we can understand more and more and that heals us.
Dr. Carter, this video couldn’t have come at a better time. Thank you so much for your effective insights and service here. You have helped me so much.
Thanks for addressing the unexpected grief that occurs, Dr. C. Most of the time we're just glad they're out of our lives but this is one emotion that continues to show up like an echo.
I know I’m still young (early 30s) but I can’t help but feel afraid I’m going to be alone. I can’t trust and I’m exhausted mentally and physically from walking on eggshells and I became so hypervigilant to everything. This has been the most difficult relationship for me to let go of so far. I thought he was the one for me and I had pictured our future. One day he became different and all of a sudden what I thought was there is not there. Part of me still has hope he will change, but I’ve been told by too many others I have to let go. I’m allowing myself to feel everything I feel right now and grieve.
It's okay to feel, it's okay to grieve, in fact it's necessary. And yes, when it's over, we need to find our ways to let go. We have to work through our grief, and each person does that individually. It really helped me to listen to certain videos about narcissism and also to read the comments of those who are on the same side I'm on. They have a lot of insight, and that helps us process every aspect. I'm continually amazed at how often others' thoughtful words strike a chord in me. I truly believe that focusing on this for the last 3 months has helped me heal so much quicker, which I am extremely grateful for.
The best advice I can give you is, get out now - BEFORE there are any children involved. Zero contact & don’t look back. You’ve dodged a bullet that was poised to cause you distress/turmoil for the rest of your life. I was 36 when I gave him an ultimatum that I instinctively knew he could not meet. I’m nearly 70 now. But we had 2 kids - ages 13 & 9 at the time. I have remained by myself. His crazy behaviors continue to haunt and/or affect my adult kids & their kids. It never completely ends. Good luck & Blessings to you. You have a lot of living still to do! 😘🧡🙏🏻
I have grieved & it is so important. So the last session I had with a therapist who I only met with a handful of times - when I stated that my 23 year marriage/28 year relationship was never real responsed by saying “come on now” & proceeded to try to convince me that he just fell out of love. Personally in that moment I thought peace out to that therapist. I am a licensed clinical social worker who has been supervising others for over 20 years so I did try for a moment to educate her but she was my therapist & not my staff.
Definitely had grief to deal with. It took 18 months to realize my sisters were fake and were never going to apologize. It's been 7 years. The oldest sister had a serious stroke and additional heart issues. She is still in the hospital after 4 weeks. I realize i have no feelings about what she's going through. She died to me 7 years ago. When you go through grief, those feelings have died, too. I am indifferent now.
What accelerated me out of grief was the realization that his courtship of me was premeditated. Knowing how he researched me thru common friends and got an idea of my financial stability made me realize there had been Reconnaissance where there should have been Love. If you are still in your relationship, i pray for you to have ears of steel and eyes that remain seeing clearly through the tears you cry.
Fulse projection is more common than we think, this is why we need to be detective observe what people say and do not say how they act and actions that are abnormal.
I spent forty years as a friend of a female narc. From my teens, referred to as "the son" (she and her husband) never had. When he passed away recently she began inventing impossible situations, accusations, victimizations, name calling, online trolling - and she's 74 years old. So, I've gone no contact and closed the door on forty years of false friendship.
Thank you Dr. C. This was what I needed to hear. 😊 I grieved my ex bf over 4 yrs ago, but he recently passed away of cancer. To be honest, it wasn't until he passed away that I felt such peace......possibly bcuz I knew he couldn't threaten me anymore???? When my dog passed away, we were no longer together, but I was told "I will NOT get another dog". Thank you for this video, it was so much what I needed to hear.....I have been isolating. 😊 If I continue to isolate, then I feel as though he is still in control. I try to write a gratitude list each morning. I am truly blessed. 🙏 These are just "speedbumps" in my journey and I can look at things with a grateful heart and ask myself, "what has this relationship/trial taught me".
Thank you Dr.C…it is really so sad for sure……thank you for ALL the videos Gus and you produce. They are SO APPRECIATED. God bless you from me in JANESVILLE, WI
Dr. C. Great Truth. I grieved the death of the narcissist and then grieved a second time for the fact that he never lived into what Hod had prepared for him. The second grief process was extremely hard to get through. But have passed through now with help. Reality us what it is. Acceptance is harder. Thank you once again! ❤
Thank you, Dr. Carter….I really needed to hear this today! I so appreciate you sharing your knowledge to help myself and others to deal with the effects of the narcissist’s behavior.
Oh! I had no idea how much my immediate family did not have any love for this narcissist I was married to. After my sudden leaving did I hear their sadness about our relationship! I block so much of my life. Now I'm seeing the truth! Life is such so much lighter, and healthier Thank you Dr Carter for the enlightenment ❤
You speak about many kinds of relationships with narcissistics but I don't think I've heard you speak about someone having an adult child who is a narcissist. I, as well as many other family members and friends have had very difficult relationships with my son, who is now 56 years old. For years I put up with his verbal abuse because he was very good at making me feel guilty. Your videos have totally opened up my eyes! He checks all the boxes and I now understand what has been going on for all these years. My boundaries are much better, although I have not totally figured out how to deal with this situation. But I feel so sad about it all - sad for myself, for my other children and especially for my son. As other people have said - such a waste! This videow was helpful. Thank you.
I'm sorry....at least as a mother you are honest enough to see it. I had an ex narc boyfriend I really loved about your son's age, who was really charming yet also manipulative, mean and cruel to his mother at times, while worshipping her at other times. He once raged at her in public, terrifying, and I'll never forget the look on her face of humiliation and pain. Still think that was a very big and early red flag I should have seen. Good luck but keep your distance if you have to.
@@daniellemeenach4418 Thanks for you reply. My son would say horrible things to me and then cry and say that he shouldn't say those things. He has moments of insight, but nothing really changes. His wife tells me he is so proud of me, loves me so much, yada, yada, yada, but talk is cheap and actions say so much more. When things are going well for him, I hardly hear from him, but when things get difficult, he shows up, usually with a sackfull of blame and judgements. Being able to understand what is really going on and facing the truth is the only answer. It doen't fix "the problem" but it gives you healthy options. At times I can't keep my physical distance, I have gotten good at emotionally distancing myself. I am glad to hear your narc boyfriend is an ex! He sounds a lot like my son.
A song that still haunts: "Bouquet" written and performed by Steve Taylor, but even he agrees that the cover by Sixpence, None The Richer was better sung in a minor key. It is song #2 on my Favorite Song Vids playlist on my channel. I mean, I'm OK, but I still remember.
Thank you Dr.C. Thank you so much for your kind words and reaffirmations. Your videos have been helping me get through a lot and this one hits home. It warms my heart and remind me to be kind to myself. God bless you 🤍🙏🏼
Dr. C, you are such a bright light and a life saver. Thank you for helping so many of us. I hope your throat is getting better & hope Gus is doing well. God bless you.💞
When it comes to my past married life, I can't even tell you how many times you hit the nail right on the head and described my past perfectly. You have helped me to see and understand what was going on that had puzzled me to the point that I thought I was the one who was going crazy. Your videos have been a God-send. Thank You for sharing these.
Thank you for videos like these, DrC! So encouraging. I find videos like these help to confirm what I have learned and put into action even tho from time to time I feel myself grieving again. The grief is different for me now tho. You’re sounding better. I hope you’re feeling better also and having seen the specialist has helped. Say hello to Jennifer and give Gus a hug for me! I am in the beginning stages of doing offsite events for the store. I will be participating in a small event this weekend for our local animal shelter. Oh! Also, I was asked by the Louisville Waterfront Botanical Gardens to talk about the six different types of tea and the different ways to steep them. Exciting stuff! Edited for typos
Waking up to the reality that the person and everything you believed in is actually fake and a game intended to wipe you out...hurts so bad...
Yes. It's really bad. It requires sharing that profound disappointment with someone who cares.
Definitely do this allot myself.
It's like a funeral for a person that never existed.
Exactly ❤️🩹 you’re grieving a ghost
Tears, no words
"Im going to love myself despite the fact that the narcissist was unable to do so." - Dr. Carter
Love. 🎉
❤❤❤
AMEN!!!
How, if you were never shown
@@kaycee625 Good question. We have to learn to be kind to ourselves.
When you have been raised by Narcissistic parents, the grieving is about the childhood that you were not allowed to have. Instead you had to carry a burden that was much too heavy for your little shoulders: you had to take care of your parents. And this is a paradox that will result in a long rat tail: being trained into this feelings and behave you will attract more toxic people in your life - like the light attracts mosquitos.
The first step is to realize it had nothing to do with you. You were not the fault or cause. For generations this is the way it was and they just repeated what was done to them and they didn’t have the strength to face it or change it, but a lot of us out here are trying to end that generational trauma and look for healthier ways of living.
I know it sounds off but they might have been better parents if they had the courage to face it and change. Be grateful that you are.
The good news is we are aware. We found this marvelous channel. We grow and thrive to become better.
I was married for about 20 years before I realized I had "married my mother." It came out of some thoughts I had after reading an article by some idiot male researchers in which they claimed that "women marry their fathers" - i.e., pick a man just like Daddy. (No mention was made about men marrying Momma, curiously...) Anyway, when I pondered it, I knew for a fact that my narc husband was nothing like my Dad, with whom I had a loving relationship. Then the lightning hit - he was just like my mother. I had married what was familiar to me without consciously realizing it. After 45 years I am now in the process of leaving. They don't change or improve (Mom never did, either), and now that I'm in my upper 60's, I'm cutting my losses at last so I can enjoy what time I have left.
@@lisalambert81865 This is truth, what u said, imo.
@@susansheldon2707😮😮😮omg... There were times i'd actually tell my narcspouse, "You're as bad as/worse than MY MOM" - who ended up living with narcspouse and me til her passing, but was herself a very injured narcissist. What u just said made it clearer to me how even both their roles were really ...primed for cohesion... to be a juggernaut of narcissism against me, but both of them used their own favorite tactics.
The grieving goes deep and can be quite confusing as well. It's not only about a loss of a person that was an illusion. It's far more than that.
It is.
Yes! It's systemic!! 😢
A mind F.
It was like dominos for me. From not knowing what narcissism was to realizing I was dating one to realizing my business partner was one to the final kicker: realizing my father was one. It was a total deconstruction of my reality. I had to remove every single one of them from my life. The grief has been overwhelming.
@@AnnK.-vu2yp 🫂❤️🩹
At some point in time, those abused by narcissists just give up trying to make amends out of sheer exhaustion from processing an endless loop of inexplicable behavior.
So true. Well said!
Indeed! 😊
We can always hope that they will ❤
So true! I know this is my life right now. I'm actually enjoying life my life now!
I just reached that point today
My narc father sold my empathic mother a fake bill of goods. He was an entrepreneur, sportsman, man about town. Outsiders thought he was terrific. He worked to achieve that adoration from strangers, whilst heaving emotional abuse on his family. My mother was a loving, trusting, caring person who was taught to accept others @ face value. I grieved that my father was a fraud~and nothing @ all like my friend's fathers. I then went on to marry an emotionally unavailable malignant narc who followed the same playbook. The grief was palpable, but not as all encompassing as grieving the parent I never had. The choice in a narc partner happened because we gravitate to what is familiar~even if it's bad for us.
I was married to a narcissist husband. I was that mother to my kids. Thank you so much for saying what they were feeling. I feel like I failed them. I had no idea what a narcissist was I would have left. I grieved first and blamed myself. Then I thought I did nothing wrong. I just didn’t know I was married to a demon who set out to destroy me and try to steal my sole from God.
❤
Absolutely! 🕊️♥️🕊️
I love the dog sleeping on the sofa
@@ReRe_642I understand those feelings. I'm here to tell you, you did all you could, all you knew. You cared! We can't recognize and properly deal with something we don't know exists (narcissism)!
We need to be forgiving of ourselves. The relationship we had with the narc does not define us, nor did we ask to be mistreated when all we wanted to do was share ourselves and our love - even if we missed the red flags.
They never intend to give you a chance at a normal relationship
Lol Of course, not. How could they? They don't know how!
You got that right sister
@@triciadreas9835 😊
Because they want you free to take care of them in their old age. I'm living the nightmare right now.
6:24 I feel a lot better know that it was nothing I did, these individuals are the ones who seek you out.
The grieving can impact you very deeply. Especially when your parents (or first caregivers) have been Narcissists. You were not only been robbed of your entire childhood, but your whole identity has also been stolen from you.
When my mother, the narcissist, passed I felt nothing except, maybe relief.
You explained perfectly
@@davidmann4533 Thank you!
It's worse after you've had kids with such a person. It's not just the loss of the person you have to grieve, but the loss of the happy family at every single holiday. A single person you can get over and eventually replace. The loss of that family integrity is forever.
and even more worse when one of your kids to that narc ..out narcs their father
It is the one thing you wanted most that was set up for failure. To recall the first underminded comments that threw you. To think this was intentional, to see how it was implemented, to know that they don't want the best outcomes for your children..that betrayal hits deep.
Yes and it’s the same loss of family with narc parents & siblings 😢
So right!! And still dealing with the aftermath 30 years later because the narcissist lied so much.
Absolutely agree! My narc mother and narc ex worked together to alienate my children from me. One child returned, however, it’s still a fragile relationship r/t the tapes of lies still play in her head. Holidays forever gone🥲
Definitely need to hear this one. I keep grieving a person I know was not real.
Me too
It's really shocking when you see how bold it is.
I WISHED HE WAS REAL. BUT HE WAS JUST ACTING,WASTING MY TIME. I GRIEVED HIM, BUT HATED HIM TOO BECAUSE HE WAS A FAKE.
I am grieving the for the loving mother that I never really had.
The only way to make it better is to be a loving parent to your children. Not repeating the cycle.
Sobering. I was buffaloed and groomed, then blindsided. I expected a forever. I feel too old to start over.
There is slot of us…. have the same feeling 😢….
You're never too old 😊
Grieving the loss of the marriage/family I thought I had having to reconcile that to what he was actually doing (multiple long-term affairs and hookups) as well as grieving the loss of the future I thought I would have. Having to start over as a divorced 60 year old is not how I thought my life would turn out and struggling with grief and the unfairness is difficult. Prayers for all of you living this.
Me too, Aaron. Packing it all up at this point, all of life’s rubble I’m left dealing with while he’s reveling on azure seas.
Dr.C & Dr.R gave me the green light to accept it and find the peace in the midst of it all. They should be nominated for sainthood. 😇👼
@@LoneStarLady- Awful, just awful 😢💐
Can't wait for this one! Narc father is now in his 80's and it's just too late now for him to ever be the caring and loving parent that I needed so much. I grieve the dad who never was and never will be.
So do I! I’m with you on that. And my mother now lives a very difficult life as well.
Same here except for my mother. I tried to talk with her about it but she blew it all out of proportion and blamed me instead.
My narcissist father is 88 years old. I'm 43 because I was adopted when he was 45 years old. I gave up trying to have a relationship with him in 2016 after decades of him being verbally and physically abusive to me. After finding out about narcissism I realized he's never going to change. Even if he did try to change, I don't have 5 to 10 years of time to waste to see if his therapy is changing him. I'm just glad I escaped in my 30's.
Me too. And I am now dealing with recognizing what my dad is along with a husband of 40 years. I have had 3 years of not living with a narcissist in my entire life. That has hit me hard.
This is the most difficult part for the victim(s) to accept about the narcissist. Whatever they presented as their "good side" is purely an illusion. They will protect that illusion at all costs. Narcissists would rather die than admit that they are anything less than perfect.
They should have wanted something better than what they had for their own.
@@Summer_Harvest Yep, and they were too self absorbed to see that. It's their loss, life goes on.. and younger Gens grow & learn!
Discovering the illusion is still mind bending for me at times. I’ve been two months away from my narc husband and I know it’s going to take time. I’m feeling better now than I was two months ago but knowing about the falsehood presented so seamlessly as truth is still difficult to grasp.
I disagree, narcissists will do everything possible to destroy you to protect their illusion. They think too highly of themselves to even consider their own death.
Or wrong.
Narcisstist = waste of time and a waste of space!
Narcissists are societal wrecking balls.
And a waste of energy.
Mental Space. Clean it out of negativities. This is my issue. I dwell on what or why people do what they do & act so rudely.
What's worse than figuring out your loved one is a narcissist? Being born to a parent who's a pathological narcissist, being subjected to decades of second-guessing, living as the their scapegoat convinced you, yourself, are the problem. Yes, I grieved for 46 years over the daily frustrations, trying to figure out what I did wrong; only to finally realize, at 46, that I wasn't the problem. By the time our narcissist parent died, my tears had been dry for many years. There was simply nothing left to grieve.
Embrace your freedom
Same for my male parent, but I'm thankful I was able to relieve some of the problems he experienced in his 80s, which helped my brother care for him.
I find it difficult if not impossible to grieve anything about the narcissist I dated. The more I got to know him, the less I liked him, and I didn’t start out liking him that much. I can honestly say the day I went nc was the best day. The only thing I felt bad about is that I was stupid enough to engage in a relationship with him when I saw he was a nutcase from the beginning.
I think the hardest part is accepting that the narcissist is evil. If you grow up with narc parents you have to find some good in them to help you cope and survive these families. I will have to let this childish belief go and accept the truth.
That’s the only way,to move forward.
When a door closes a window opens!
😊
No I think my parents were good parents. I think they chose the lesser of two evils in this world. Tough decisions were made. Nothing is free. Spiritual death brings about a death to parts of the mind and this has consequences too. But I think the best of them even though can’t associate again on this earth.
The grieving process - from loss to acceptance - is not linear. Took me a few years. It sucks but always remember that the person you thought you knew never existed. Anyone can be pleasant in the good times but as Dr C stated in previous videos, stress and strain reveal the real character.
"If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values, they're hobbies."
- Jon Stewart
Again I say, thank you Dr. Carter. You’ll never know this side of Heaven how many people you have helped understand what we have been experiencing. Thank you again. May God Bless you and your family. One of team Healthy.
#TeamHealthy
This is an especially somber subject, grieving all the “ what ifs, the it’s too bad that such and such happened,why, how comes, the could-a, would-a, should-a’s, “etc
But I’m here now. I never would have come across Surviving Narcissism nor joined Team Healthy otherwise. I had to lose a lot to get right here, but this is where I feel the best!
Thank you for all your hard work.
When I hear your theme song, it’s like food for my soul. Don’t ever get rid of your music, Dr. C! I feel hope and energy fill my body when it plays! What a blessing that you can share your expertise on this subject to anyone with a cell phone or a computer and help those who don’t even know that narcissism even exists. I’ve come a long way in five years , even though I’m back here (not my fault, I was duped). Every lesson helps, it never gets old.thank you for everything you put out.
I would also like to take a moment to express my gratitude for all the wonderful people who are a part of team healthy. The ones who line up in the group chat while we’re waiting for your video to premiere. such wonderful, kind, supportive, friendly, caring people. We have the best men and women in this space. And dogs (GUS).Great video thanks again.
Biggest grief is not being to understand the Sociopath’s short-term thinking mindset. Nothing good in life comes quickly. Relationships take openness, vulnerability and long term commitment, but the narcissist for some reason just think well, if I wear this person out, I will just move on to the next. Pure insanity.
What you said is profound. Short term thinking, yes! Nothing good comes quickly, yes! They want everything in a nutshell. Terrific set of words you spoke here, thank you!
It’s the cycle of control then punish and reject because they can’t separate from mother & you’re secondary mommy supply
And how predictable that his parents, siblings, and some extended family are ALL like him!! Literally clones of each other. Truly bizarre.
Grief is the emotional loss and the grieving can be about:
1. Trust .. you feel used
2. Friendliness .. little more than distortion
3. Affection .. turned into disgust
4. Helpfullness .. turned into demands
5. Encouragement .. became critizism
6. Normal expectations .. constant desillusionments
7. Disagreements .. turned into badgering
8. Conflict .. became abusive
9. Plans .. became schemes
10. Shared activities .. just transactions
Be aware:
》They are chameleons
》You were played, you were duped
》Their positives merely covered the dark side
》Mistreatment proved they were not safe
》You were stunned by the lack of remorse
There are 5 stages of grief:
1. Shock and denial
2. Pain and guilt
3. Anger is aroused
4. Depression and loneliness
5. Acceptance
Grief can be tied to healthy desires!!!
》Give yourself permission to have the emotions
》Be patient with yourself
》Don't isolate, reach out
》Don't go too deeply into rumination
》Remember, you live in a broken world
》Stay focused on your character, integity
》Growth can arise from your internal pain
》Stay to Dignity, Respect, Civility
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
You are so good, Roxy!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you, Dr Carter. Hope you are very much enjoying Kensington and other parts of the beautiful city 😊
Thank you!!🌻✨🍃screenshot this.
@@andreacook6000 You are very welcome 🍀
Grieving arises whenever you experience a significant loss in your life. In this particular case your grieving is more complex and it starts with the realization that there will never be a real closure unless you decide to draw a line into the sand.
Closure isn’t possible in most cases. Plus it’s a useless term. Closure for me is when I can forgive and WALK AWAY! Forgiveness doesn’t mean we have to stay in it! It’s more for us, it lets us walk on and live our lives.
You're absolutely correct 💯 it took me almost 4 years to finally figure out getting closure was impossible until I closed it for myself.
@@megn1670I don't understand why people say they can't get closure. When you close it yourself, that is closure, and you have control over it.
I truly appreciate this topic.
Weather consciously or unconsciously, I definitely grieve for the husband I will never have, because of his narcissism.
I will never have that deep fulfilling connection to him that I wanted, before I found out what he was really like. That is sad...for anyone to discover...
I think that finding out that you are married to a narcissist, is the greatest kind of aloneness.
You understand that the one who claimed to love and cherish you, the one who claimed to honor you, the one who claimed they would become your closest, most trusted, loyal friend, confidant, protector...it was all lies...
They don't love you.
They never did and they never will.
They actually hate you.
They don't care to know anything about you.
They are only using you for what you can offer them.
Very sad....
Ditto on everything you said. I am now leaving my narc husband of 45 years. Each time I feel a little guilty, more and more memories of his myriad acts of contempt and hatred toward me come to mind. And I am reassured all over again that I NEED to be away from him for good. He won't ever change, just play act it for a little while before reverting to the same dark hatred.
I struggled for a long time with all that you mentioned. I took it personally and was hard on myself. But what has helped recently is knowing that my covert narc husband isn’t just singling me out. He is the same with all the relationships in his life. That’s not my fault / problem. It’s his. For some reason shifting my perspective has helped.
@@BBurton1219 For years in my marriage, I didn't know what was wrong. I didn't have a name to give to the problems that I was dealing with in the marriage. I would constantly try to do things for him to lighten his mood or gain his approval.
But, it never worked, and I did have self doubts and so much depression and frustration, because I couldn't understand what was wrong. Was it all my fault? That's what he would tell me!
But, after years of marriage I started to search the internet for answers and stumbled upon the topic of narcissism. The more I read and listened, it was as if these people had peered into every detail of my marriage.
I could not believe that everything they were saying was spot on!
So, once I learned more about narcissism and narcissistic abuse THEN I began to feel free!
THEN I discovered that all the garbage that he tried to put on me, actually came from within himself! He was just projecting it all on to me!
I learned that he is the one with deep emotional turmoil, not me.
He is the one stuck inside his anger and contempt, not me.
He is the one that fits the ugly description that he tried to project on me, not me!
The knowledge that I gained on this topic was so freeing and empowering! I too, through knowledge, was able to shift my perspective.
All the ugly names he called me, all the judgemental criticisms he flung at me, all the anger and hatred he exhibited toward me really had nothing to do with me! These are all the things he felt and thought about himself, but his mind couldn't cope with all that, so he tried projecting his garbage on to me.
Perspective is everything!!!
It is self healing and positive.
Truth. The sorrow just never ends.
Just the title hit me square in the feels.
A life never lived.
Apropos of nothing, but I see the dog on the couch behind Dr. Carter - You know, no one does relaxation like a dog or cat sacked out on the couch. : ) They really let go of their cares, which is inspiring, because we humans have such a hard time doing that.
I am 32 years old. I was born to love my narc mom (this is what she told me!). I'm now at this acceptance stage that I can not change her. I've tried my entire life to help that woman, even put my own families needs aside for hers, and I'm done being treated like I'm less than. If my adult self still can not receive the love, guidance, and wisdom that an older parent should be providing, then what are we doing here? I'm getting out of this eddy and going forward with my life.
The life I thought I would be living, all of the promises that were made to me that were broken, all of the things that I thought were going to happen that haven’t happened, all of the time that’s gone by and now is lost, being this different person that I didn’t want to be, being treated in such a terrible way, being completely and utterly disrespected, being accused of being somebody that I’m not, all of the good things that I did just being totally ignored as if they are nothing. Having to start again at age 51! Feeling incredibly lonely. Not seeing my stepdaughter and my cat, wanting that part back. Not being in the life I thought I would be. Being outcast. Having to fight him in court. He gets to have all the good parts and I’m over here struggling even though I helped him build it. All of these things and more…
It feels like you are describing my life. Did you also have this turning point when you thought “either I get out and stay away or I will disappear completely “? I think we grieve our entire person in a relationship like this.
@@PaulineMesplou Absolutely! I had pretty much disappeared in the relationship because I wasn’t “allowed” any decision-making capacity, he decided and “told” me. And in terms of our own important things we need to do, they get ignored or talked about a bit but not really cared about. The person is self absorbed so there is little space for our needs in an equal way. I used to look in the mirror and think who are you, I had changed so much. Now when I look in the mirror I’m back, just a lot older now. Sending much love to you. Step by step we get there and rebuild.
Okay, that's the sad side, but there's a bright side! You're grieving the exact things I'm grieving, but you're 20 years younger, so thank God for that! Because of my male parent's actions and effects on me, I couldn't even call God my Father until I was in my 60s. I'll tell you right now, thankfulness is the antidote, the cure. And knowing who to thank, which is Our Loving Heavenly Father! He's not responsible for another person's bad actions. He promises to be with us always. And believe me, this is so much better! He takes me by the hand and leads me!
I've thought if my dad had died when I was young rather than a long lived malignant narcissist I could have the false comfort of thinking he would have loved me.
Wow, I can very much relate.
One of the many grievings might be about the big confusion in your head, which is called "dissociation". Because of the "hot-cold shower" your brain lost the ability to combine perceptions into a normal, fully comprehensive experience.
Would like to learn more about this. Could you ask Les?
Not being able to wrap your head around the loss
Grief can be a numb pain that throbs with unrelenting persistence. But, it does get better
Thank you so much. I'm new here. This is extremely relatable. I've been married to a bully for 26 years. He was so charming when we dated. I feel it was false advertising on his part. It's gradually gotten worse and now I feel trapped. However here in the comments, I see I'm not alone -- this helps a lot.
Welcome to Team Healthy 🙂❤️🙏
@@SherryWilson-dk7bo thank you
And yes, welcome!!🍃💕✨🌻🐾🪻
When I saw the title of this video, I knew I needed to listen to it. Because many people just don't get what we go through and because we can't speak freely of these experiences because of that, it makes a huge impact to hear you put it so succinctly. These are foundational betrayals of love and trust. You want to be friends with your parents - you want to trust them. You want the love you thought you found with a man to be real. But when those people are narcissists and abusive toward you, when they repeatedly lie to you and do harm to your sense of self and won't stop those behaviors, you have to free yourself from those relationships in order to survive. You have to face the fact that they don't love you and that they won't see you or hear you. Most people don't understand the grief of realizing that. Thanks for understanding and speaking about it.
Needed to hear that this morning. The way you broke down the stages of grief was extremely supportive. Thank you for the loving reminders.❤
You're quite welcome.
Thank you sir! I love how your puppy dog is resting in the background too!
Grief is normal and connected to a sense of goodness and decency. ✅
Thank you Dr. Carter. I wish I could meet you in person so that I could shake your hand. Thank you so much for sharing your wise advice. Some of us are going through the most horrendous stuff because of the narcissist and your wisdom is so needed. Thank you.
My mother is a covert narcissist. I went "no contact" back in March 2024. I'm not grieving the loss of no longer having a mother. She told me, before we went our separate ways, that she never wanted children, that I was a huge disappointment and embarrassment (because she can't brag on me to make herself appear more important than anyone else's kids). She never wanted grandchildren. I never had kids and, now, her friends are all talking about their grandkids and my mom is now angry that she doesn't have grandkids. It just goes on and on. I'm not perfect, which irritated her. I was never allowed to fail at anything, make mistakes, etc. I'm needing therapy to get over my anger towards my mother, 'cause it's just getting more intense. I'm looking into a therapist in my town.
Would love to see an episode like this focusing on the narcissistic parent and the losses for their children.
Yes
Several years ago right before my mother passed, I was standing in Church with her. In front of us was our Bible Study teacher and his family. His 20 year old daughter was standing with her arm around him, hugging him. My tears were rolling down, and I thought it was because my mom was dying. But later I realized I was mourning the fact that I never had a dad that I could trust and be affectionate with. Maybe for the first time I was seeing what a real dad could be like.
My heart is with you.
That's exactly what my therapist told me after a shocking experience I had a few months ago, that I have to grieve it and forgive myself first... I'm in progress, as time goes by I feel better, Life is a Lesson!!!
School of Hard Knocks!!
The feelings you spoke of is still fresh in my mind after years have passed since my divorce. I believe in my soul Dr. C the worst pain I felt from her going through all that abuse was the betrayal of intimacy. That pain almost destroyed me but thank god i’m on the other side now and moving forward. thanks 😊
thank you. Grief comes in waves
The timing of your videos are always perfect. A few weeks ago I was looking back and realizing that the girl I had fallen in love with just…never existed. It was all just another mask.
The biggest source of grief was, is and always will be for me the grieving the lost decades with narc-ents and n-exes. I spend no time thinking of them. And now I have found my Healthy! Thanks Dr C and SIR GUS! And the one and only TH!
Looking forward to this one. This has been a tough issue for me lately
Even some time after discard and even when you are well into healing, it’s difficult to know how much they pretended. Mine pretended to be a different and ‘good’ person for three years before the cold and (what I made final) mask slip. Mine admitted that he had a “nice fake face” and it was the one he liked to show me until I knew better and joined up the inconsistencies. The elements of illusion and delusion are unreal. 2 years of healing chalked up. Life is real once again. No contact is so protective and restorative.
My experience was more of Jekyll and Hyde. Who was the real person was so confusing to me until I learned there is a pattern.
Totally get this. Jekyll and Hyde is a good analogy. My narc must’ve played various characters - he was a superb actor via his persona with a real nastiness beneath. Fooled me for 3 years and then I joined up the dots. Weirdest time of my life.
A counselor said something to me once that completely freaked me out. I've always thought my dad didn't like me, I searched for years to figure what it was about me that made me unlikable but I couldn't find it. The counselor said I couldn't find it because it wasn't there. My world, my body, shifted like tectonic plates! I'll never forget that sense that my entire world had shifted and I've felt so much better for all these years since she said that. One sentence worked miracles for me.
💯💥
That is sooooooo wonderful!! ✨🌻🍃💕🪻
My father seemed to not like me during much of my adult life, but I’ve finally realised it was most likely because my narc mother fed him constant lies about me to make herself look better in his eyes.
@@kaycee625 🫂
People can experience the different stages of grief in any order and repeatedly. It's painful to find the people we love exist mostly in unrealised potential. One feels less pain and less alone to be alone than to stay in the company of ingenuine, cruel people.
True words.
Well put
My grandma used to say about my narc stepmom, "I could like her, if she would just act right!" Yes I also grieve the relationship I never had with my narc sister 😢
Lol ❤️
When you say that you'll do more videos, it's oddly comforting. Thank you.
I was grieving my marriage ending about 2 years before it actually ended. I just knew things weren't good but was waiting for the right moment 😕
Love, prayers and blessings ❤️ 🙏
"You can work on your integrity"...I love that
Greetings from Slovenija Dr C. I hope you and your family are well. We send love and best wishes on the 80th anniversary of D-day and give you solemn and respectful thoughts for those who made the ultimate sacrifice and are no longer with us. Lest we forget. Warm and sunny here. Keep on rockin' in Texas. 🎸😎🍺👍
Thanks Martin. Always great to hear from you. The Mrs. and I are on holiday in London
@@SurvivingNarcissism hopefully you speak Turkish.
Dr. Les, you are a wonderful human being. I appreciate all you give.
You are quite welcome.
Thank you, Dr Carter ☀️
You UNDERSTAND and articulate the madness beautifully. 🙏 ❤️ ☮️
I feel guilty saying the man I was seeing is narcissistic. When I met him he was still married but had been separated from his wife for at least 6 years. It has been 8 years since then, and his actions have never matched his words. I finally gave up any hope a month ago that he was ever going to honor his words. He considers himself a Christian but him trying to tell me that God was blessing our relationship even though he was still married made no sense to me. That is not the God I have come to know.
When you realize someone has been lying to you, and lying to themself as well, you should never trust anything they ever say thereafter. You'll never know when it's truth or just another lie. Get back to God's Word as your standard and don't compromise it for anyone.
Secondary mommy supply ❤️🩹
It’s a tough lesson for sure. But always go by actions. Talk is cheap.
@@InvisibleWarrior279 yes it appears it is.
@@caroleminke6116 I believe you are absolutely correct.
They would rather die than acknowledge what they were, or try to change. And a real part of my grief was that it would have taken so little for everything be so much better. Life could have been so much better, with even a little work on their parts, parents and spouse. But they would not. Refused, to see the damages, or any other way to be. Flat out refused. And another grief is that due to being so damaged by them that I have no idea what a kindly and good relationship could be, or how to find such a person, as obviously my 'chooser' is broken. And so much more.
With the click of a finger they could have chosen to make it better and could still choose. They think we deserve all of this, they rationalise it all in their minds and they can’t tell the truth to themselves, so that makes it pretty impossible. I really feel what you’re saying I have thought that so often as well. Blessings and happiness to you. We can get there, we can understand more and more and that heals us.
Now this is the exact video I needed to hear today. I just started counseling services last week so thank you so very much. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼😊🥰🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Dr. Carter, this video couldn’t have come at a better time. Thank you so much for your effective insights and service here. You have helped me so much.
We just need to embrace Life
Every person live their own life
It s not about fight and competition
Gus is so sweet ,he sleeps Like a baby😊😊
This is so spot on important, but h.... so difficult.....
Thanks for addressing the unexpected grief that occurs, Dr. C. Most of the time we're just glad they're out of our lives but this is one emotion that continues to show up like an echo.
Hopefully it takes your healing to a higher level.
I know I’m still young (early 30s) but I can’t help but feel afraid I’m going to be alone. I can’t trust and I’m exhausted mentally and physically from walking on eggshells and I became so hypervigilant to everything.
This has been the most difficult relationship for me to let go of so far. I thought he was the one for me and I had pictured our future. One day he became different and all of a sudden what I thought was there is not there. Part of me still has hope he will change, but I’ve been told by too many others I have to let go. I’m allowing myself to feel everything I feel right now and grieve.
It's okay to feel, it's okay to grieve, in fact it's necessary. And yes, when it's over, we need to find our ways to let go. We have to work through our grief, and each person does that individually. It really helped me to listen to certain videos about narcissism and also to read the comments of those who are on the same side I'm on. They have a lot of insight, and that helps us process every aspect. I'm continually amazed at how often others' thoughtful words strike a chord in me. I truly believe that focusing on this for the last 3 months has helped me heal so much quicker, which I am extremely grateful for.
The best advice I can give you is, get out now - BEFORE there are any children involved. Zero contact & don’t look back. You’ve dodged a bullet that was poised to cause you distress/turmoil for the rest of your life. I was 36 when I gave him an ultimatum that I instinctively knew he could not meet. I’m nearly 70 now. But we had 2 kids - ages 13 & 9 at the time. I have remained by myself. His crazy behaviors continue to haunt and/or affect my adult kids & their kids. It never completely ends. Good luck & Blessings to you. You have a lot of living still to do!
😘🧡🙏🏻
Everything I hoped for turned into something bad when going through toxic relationships. But after that, loneliness turned into solitude. 😊
I have grieved & it is so important. So the last session I had with a therapist who I only met with a handful of times - when I stated that my 23 year marriage/28 year relationship was never real responsed by saying “come on now” & proceeded to try to convince me that he just fell out of love. Personally in that moment I thought peace out to that therapist. I am a licensed clinical social worker who has been supervising others for over 20 years so I did try for a moment to educate her but she was my therapist & not my staff.
The unique thing about the content of this channel is that each point clarified here can be used as is in discussions to great effect.
I just wanted to say that seeing Gus in the videos is like having a therapy pet. Love him.
Thanks, before I retired he went to the office with me each day. He's a gentle soul.
Definitely had grief to deal with. It took 18 months to realize my sisters were fake and were never going to apologize. It's been 7 years. The oldest sister had a serious stroke and additional heart issues. She is still in the hospital after 4 weeks. I realize i have no feelings about what she's going through. She died to me 7 years ago. When you go through grief, those feelings have died, too. I am indifferent now.
This is soo sadly true indeed. I'm very grateful for this channel,this doctor and this community,all sharing valuable information.
What accelerated me out of grief was the realization that his courtship of me was premeditated. Knowing how he researched me thru common friends and got an idea of my financial stability made me realize there had been Reconnaissance where there should have been Love. If you are still in your relationship, i pray for you to have ears of steel and eyes that remain seeing clearly through the tears you cry.
That's what happened to me as well, and it is so healing.
Thank you so much Dr.C and Gus and Team Healthy ❤️ 🙏🙂Be blessed!❤
Wow! Thank you Dr. Carter, this is exactly what I've been going through and feeling these last few days. Thank you!
You are so welcome
As always, a big thank you Dr. C, for the reinforcement of encouragement and growth. In Joy
You are so welcome
Fulse projection is more common than we think, this is why we need to be detective
observe what people say and do not say how they act and actions that are abnormal.
Thank you for being a supportive and soothing voice on such a difficult topic. I love that your dog is blissfully sleeping too❤🇦🇺
Thank you Dr.C, I will put this video on the top of my playlist, thank you again, I hope you are having good time on your vacation!
I’m sick at the emptiness they’re experiencing
There are so many narcissistic people these days. It is really demoralising.
I spent forty years as a friend of a female narc. From my teens, referred to as "the son" (she and her husband) never had. When he passed away recently she began inventing impossible situations, accusations, victimizations, name calling, online trolling - and she's 74 years old. So, I've gone no contact and closed the door on forty years of false friendship.
Thank you Dr. C. This was what I needed to hear. 😊 I grieved my ex bf over 4 yrs ago, but he recently passed away of cancer. To be honest, it wasn't until he passed away that I felt such peace......possibly bcuz I knew he couldn't threaten me anymore???? When my dog passed away, we were no longer together, but I was told "I will NOT get another dog". Thank you for this video, it was so much what I needed to hear.....I have been isolating. 😊 If I continue to isolate, then I feel as though he is still in control. I try to write a gratitude list each morning. I am truly blessed. 🙏 These are just "speedbumps" in my journey and I can look at things with a grateful heart and ask myself, "what has this relationship/trial taught me".
Thank you for bringing up these very thoughtful points (isolating, speed bumps, grateful heart), because considering them helped me today.
Thank you Dr.C…it is really so sad for sure……thank you for ALL the videos Gus and you produce.
They are SO APPRECIATED. God bless you from me in JANESVILLE, WI
Thanks, Cynthia!
@@SurvivingNarcissism smiles
Dr. C. Great Truth. I grieved the death of the narcissist and then grieved a second time for the fact that he never lived into what Hod had prepared for him. The second grief process was extremely hard to get through. But have passed through now with help. Reality us what it is. Acceptance is harder.
Thank you once again! ❤
Thank you, Dr. Carter….I really needed to hear this today! I so appreciate you sharing your knowledge to help myself and others to deal with the effects of the narcissist’s behavior.
You're an angel. ❤. Seriously.
Can’t wait to hear this one!!!
Oh! I had no idea how much my immediate family did not have any love for this narcissist I was married to. After my sudden leaving did I hear their sadness about our relationship! I block so much of my life. Now I'm seeing the truth! Life is such so much lighter, and healthier Thank you Dr Carter for the enlightenment ❤
I grieve the most about the life my mother was not allowed to live because of him.
You speak about many kinds of relationships with narcissistics but I don't think I've heard you speak about someone having an adult child who is a narcissist. I, as well as many other family members and friends have had very difficult relationships with my son, who is now 56 years old. For years I put up with his verbal abuse because he was very good at making me feel guilty. Your videos have totally opened up my eyes! He checks all the boxes and I now understand what has been going on for all these years. My boundaries are much better, although I have not totally figured out how to deal with this situation. But I feel so sad about it all - sad for myself, for my other children and especially for my son. As other people have said - such a waste! This videow was helpful. Thank you.
I'm sorry....at least as a mother you are honest enough to see it. I had an ex narc boyfriend I really loved about your son's age, who was really charming yet also manipulative, mean and cruel to his mother at times, while worshipping her at other times. He once raged at her in public, terrifying, and I'll never forget the look on her face of humiliation and pain. Still think that was a very big and early red flag I should have seen. Good luck but keep your distance if you have to.
@@daniellemeenach4418 Thanks for you reply. My son would say horrible things to me and then cry and say that he shouldn't say those things. He has moments of insight, but nothing really changes. His wife tells me he is so proud of me, loves me so much, yada, yada, yada, but talk is cheap and actions say so much more. When things are going well for him, I hardly hear from him, but when things get difficult, he shows up, usually with a sackfull of blame and judgements. Being able to understand what is really going on and facing the truth is the only answer. It doen't fix "the problem" but it gives you healthy options. At times I can't keep my physical distance, I have gotten good at emotionally distancing myself. I am glad to hear your narc boyfriend is an ex! He sounds a lot like my son.
A song that still haunts: "Bouquet" written and performed by Steve Taylor, but even he agrees that the cover by Sixpence, None The Richer was better sung in a minor key. It is song #2 on my Favorite Song Vids playlist on my channel. I mean, I'm OK, but I still remember.
Just how I am feeling lately but couldn’t put it into words - so thank you for this timely teaching Dr Carter.
Thank you Dr.C.
Thank you so much for your kind words and reaffirmations. Your videos have been helping me get through a lot and this one hits home. It warms my heart and remind me to be kind to myself. God bless you 🤍🙏🏼
Dr. C, you are such a bright light and a life saver. Thank you for helping so many of us. I hope your throat is getting better & hope Gus is doing well.
God bless you.💞
Thank you so much!
When it comes to my past married life, I can't even tell you how many times you hit the nail right on the head and described my past perfectly. You have helped me to see and understand what was going on that had puzzled me to the point that I thought I was the one who was going crazy. Your videos have been a God-send. Thank You for sharing these.
Acceptance came yesterday. I’m happier and I feel good in the inside. I can finally complete the goals that I set for myself.
Thank you for videos like these, DrC! So encouraging. I find videos like these help to confirm what I have learned and put into action even tho from time to time I feel myself grieving again. The grief is different for me now tho. You’re sounding better. I hope you’re feeling better also and having seen the specialist has helped. Say hello to Jennifer and give Gus a hug for me! I am in the beginning stages of doing offsite events for the store. I will be participating in a small event this weekend for our local animal shelter. Oh! Also, I was asked by the Louisville Waterfront Botanical Gardens to talk about the six different types of tea and the different ways to steep them. Exciting stuff!
Edited for typos
Exciting stuff, Kelly! We're on our last day of a vacation in London! I continue to be so encouraged for your progress.