Grieving The Person The Narcissist Could Not Become
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- Опубліковано 29 вер 2024
- After much exposure to narcissists, it becomes apparent that they cannot not will they ever be able to be the person you want them to be. No amount of persuasion or discussion will move them off their primary ingredients. Dr. Les Carter describes how this can trigger grief in you, but also explains how you can turn your grief into resolve for a better way of life.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his UA-cam channel, his videos have received more than 115 million views.
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Waking up to the reality that the person and everything you believed in is actually fake and a game intended to wipe you out...hurts so bad...
Yes. It's really bad. It requires sharing that profound disappointment with someone who cares.
"Im going to love myself despite the fact that the narcissist was unable to do so." - Dr. Carter
Love. 🎉
❤❤❤
AMEN!!!
How, if you were never shown
@@kaycee625 Good question. We have to learn to be kind to ourselves.
The life I thought I would be living, all of the promises that were made to me that were broken, all of the things that I thought were going to happen that haven’t happened, all of the time that’s gone by and now is lost, being this different person that I didn’t want to be, being treated in such a terrible way, being completely and utterly disrespected, being accused of being somebody that I’m not, all of the good things that I did just being totally ignored as if they are nothing. Having to start again at age 51! Feeling incredibly lonely. Not seeing my stepdaughter and my cat, wanting that part back. Not being in the life I thought I would be. Being outcast. Having to fight him in court. He gets to have all the good parts and I’m over here struggling even though I helped him build it. All of these things and more…
It feels like you are describing my life. Did you also have this turning point when you thought “either I get out and stay away or I will disappear completely “? I think we grieve our entire person in a relationship like this.
@@PaulineMesplou Absolutely! I had pretty much disappeared in the relationship because I wasn’t “allowed” any decision-making capacity, he decided and “told” me. And in terms of our own important things we need to do, they get ignored or talked about a bit but not really cared about. The person is self absorbed so there is little space for our needs in an equal way. I used to look in the mirror and think who are you, I had changed so much. Now when I look in the mirror I’m back, just a lot older now. Sending much love to you. Step by step we get there and rebuild.
Okay, that's the sad side, but there's a bright side! You're grieving the exact things I'm grieving, but you're 20 years younger, so thank God for that! Because of my male parent's actions and effects on me, I couldn't even call God my Father until I was in my 60s. I'll tell you right now, thankfulness is the antidote, the cure. And knowing who to thank, which is Our Loving Heavenly Father! He's not responsible for another person's bad actions. He promises to be with us always. And believe me, this is so much better! He takes me by the hand and leads me!
I've thought if my dad had died when I was young rather than a long lived malignant narcissist I could have the false comfort of thinking he would have loved me.
Wow, I can very much relate.
Apropos of nothing, but I see the dog on the couch behind Dr. Carter - You know, no one does relaxation like a dog or cat sacked out on the couch. : ) They really let go of their cares, which is inspiring, because we humans have such a hard time doing that.
My grandma used to say about my narc stepmom, "I could like her, if she would just act right!" Yes I also grieve the relationship I never had with my narc sister 😢
Lol ❤️
Would love to see an episode like this focusing on the narcissistic parent and the losses for their children.
Yes
Several years ago right before my mother passed, I was standing in Church with her. In front of us was our Bible Study teacher and his family. His 20 year old daughter was standing with her arm around him, hugging him. My tears were rolling down, and I thought it was because my mom was dying. But later I realized I was mourning the fact that I never had a dad that I could trust and be affectionate with. Maybe for the first time I was seeing what a real dad could be like.
My heart is with you.
They would rather die than acknowledge what they were, or try to change. And a real part of my grief was that it would have taken so little for everything be so much better. Life could have been so much better, with even a little work on their parts, parents and spouse. But they would not. Refused, to see the damages, or any other way to be. Flat out refused. And another grief is that due to being so damaged by them that I have no idea what a kindly and good relationship could be, or how to find such a person, as obviously my 'chooser' is broken. And so much more.
With the click of a finger they could have chosen to make it better and could still choose. They think we deserve all of this, they rationalise it all in their minds and they can’t tell the truth to themselves, so that makes it pretty impossible. I really feel what you’re saying I have thought that so often as well. Blessings and happiness to you. We can get there, we can understand more and more and that heals us.
I spent forty years as a friend of a female narc. From my teens, referred to as "the son" (she and her husband) never had. When he passed away recently she began inventing impossible situations, accusations, victimizations, name calling, online trolling - and she's 74 years old. So, I've gone no contact and closed the door on forty years of false friendship.
I feel guilty saying the man I was seeing is narcissistic. When I met him he was still married but had been separated from his wife for at least 6 years. It has been 8 years since then, and his actions have never matched his words. I finally gave up any hope a month ago that he was ever going to honor his words. He considers himself a Christian but him trying to tell me that God was blessing our relationship even though he was still married made no sense to me. That is not the God I have come to know.
When you realize someone has been lying to you, and lying to themself as well, you should never trust anything they ever say thereafter. You'll never know when it's truth or just another lie. Get back to God's Word as your standard and don't compromise it for anyone.
Secondary mommy supply ❤️🩹
It’s a tough lesson for sure. But always go by actions. Talk is cheap.
@@InvisibleWarrior279 yes it appears it is.
@@caroleminke6116 I believe you are absolutely correct.
You speak about many kinds of relationships with narcissistics but I don't think I've heard you speak about someone having an adult child who is a narcissist. I, as well as many other family members and friends have had very difficult relationships with my son, who is now 56 years old. For years I put up with his verbal abuse because he was very good at making me feel guilty. Your videos have totally opened up my eyes! He checks all the boxes and I now understand what has been going on for all these years. My boundaries are much better, although I have not totally figured out how to deal with this situation. But I feel so sad about it all - sad for myself, for my other children and especially for my son. As other people have said - such a waste! This videow was helpful. Thank you.
I'm sorry....at least as a mother you are honest enough to see it. I had an ex narc boyfriend I really loved about your son's age, who was really charming yet also manipulative, mean and cruel to his mother at times, while worshipping her at other times. He once raged at her in public, terrifying, and I'll never forget the look on her face of humiliation and pain. Still think that was a very big and early red flag I should have seen. Good luck but keep your distance if you have to.
@@daniellemeenach4418 Thanks for you reply. My son would say horrible things to me and then cry and say that he shouldn't say those things. He has moments of insight, but nothing really changes. His wife tells me he is so proud of me, loves me so much, yada, yada, yada, but talk is cheap and actions say so much more. When things are going well for him, I hardly hear from him, but when things get difficult, he shows up, usually with a sackfull of blame and judgements. Being able to understand what is really going on and facing the truth is the only answer. It doen't fix "the problem" but it gives you healthy options. At times I can't keep my physical distance, I have gotten good at emotionally distancing myself. I am glad to hear your narc boyfriend is an ex! He sounds a lot like my son.
I just wanted to say that seeing Gus in the videos is like having a therapy pet. Love him.
Thanks, before I retired he went to the office with me each day. He's a gentle soul.
Definitely had grief to deal with. It took 18 months to realize my sisters were fake and were never going to apologize. It's been 7 years. The oldest sister had a serious stroke and additional heart issues. She is still in the hospital after 4 weeks. I realize i have no feelings about what she's going through. She died to me 7 years ago. When you go through grief, those feelings have died, too. I am indifferent now.
I keep going to the "pullback" mode Dr. C. speaks of. Even after decades. So few understand. I'm trying to focus more on how much progress I made over decades. That helps. Better if our efforts could go there. Asking yourself "What did I do right?" is better than "What did they do wrong?". The last question is like a big black hole.
Yes! What did I do right ? Many things. And when he would see it, he would say it was too late. I beg to differ! LOL
Thank you Dr.C…it is really so sad for sure……thank you for ALL the videos Gus and you produce.
They are SO APPRECIATED. God bless you from me in JANESVILLE, WI
Thanks, Cynthia!
@@SurvivingNarcissism smiles
Just how I am feeling lately but couldn’t put it into words - so thank you for this timely teaching Dr Carter.
fantastic teaching Dr C!! wish i woulda known this in my younger days - pre 30-40 year old...it would have helped me accept the things i was unable or unwilling to expect because of my expectations. i pray this helps others join team healthy!! God bless glad u r back , hope vacation was fab!!
Thank you for posting this, this is exactly how I’m feeling after going no contact for 2 years. Stay strong everyone 💪🏼
I grieve the sister I never had. It’s sad.
Thank you Dr C
I have an adult son, my only child that I'm grieving. There's nothing else I know to do. He has chose to completely act like I do not exist. It kind of feels like sometimes I'm grieving for somebody that died. He has let his lack of empathy kill him as a person. I grieve the loss of him in my life but I have plans for my life's journey and I'm not going to let anyone stop me. Words of wisdom from Dr C for me was:: " sometimes relationships in life just don't turn out the way that they should." I watched this in a previous video.
Going through this exact issue right now with several people who are close to me
@@AKUBARIKI it sucks. It shouldn't have turned out like this. It's just really hard when somebody can't feel, can't have normal human emotions and just does not care what you were going through emotionally because of their actions.
He's moving out July 1. Shower. I do feel sad for him. But even a tiny bit of showing that will only suck me under. Must stay strong and realize this is the he only way for me to hold on to what small bit of sanity I have left. Not shower. Sho oo we
Dr. C, you are such a bright light and a life saver. Thank you for helping so many of us. I hope your throat is getting better & hope Gus is doing well.
God bless you.💞
Thank you so much!
The unique thing about the content of this channel is that each point clarified here can be used as is in discussions to great effect.
So on point and good timing. Thank you!
You are so welcome
Very much so, the grief.
Sigh 😞- you described my younger sister - the person I knew from childhood is not the same person I know now - she changed for the worse - a chameleon who duped me - I’m grieving inside- I’m 52 and she’s 47
I currently have no contact with her because she’s toxic towards me - lots of projection, gaslighting and lies - it made me ruminate too
I warned my 51 year old brother that he’ll be next - he doesn’t know she’s a covert narcissist
I heard 2 contradictory messages about expectations.. 1 is to lower expectations and 2 is to expect the best and get it.. I think both apply.. I can have high expectations but also let go of what is not meeting my expectations.. When I was running a business I had another business do some work and they were late and lied to me.. I freaked out.. When I told another business owner they said what is the point of freaking out and just go find another business.. I did find another business that was great..
When I did not have my dog anymore I got the vacuum cleaner out and I spent an hour and a half trying to vacuum out all of the fur that was in my car.. Then I bought a shop vac and spent another 1 and a half vacuuming the fur.. That fur is interwoven in the fabric of my car.. That is my experience with grieving.. My dog will always be with me..
To me, that is a good thing, my dog always near. I so miss my dogs.
@@rosieE121 My dad died in 2002 and he wasn't around.. I got my dog at the end of 2006.. I got him from a no put down shelter and he was a runner and needed to get fixed and he had all this stuff wrong with him and he looked like a pitbull and with that stigma but there was just something about him.. I eventually realized that my dad was in this dog.. Not the part of my dad that was gone but the part of my dad that always wanted to be there.. I know it is weird and wow that dog got me out of some sticky situations..
Thank you for this and all your very helpful videos.
The grief effects are certainly hard. Time obviously helps and pain fades, however, sometimes out of nowhere you suddenly really miss the person and because you care you want to reach out. But you know you can't because you're sure to be not responded to which would open up the wounds deeply once more.
So you also have grief for this. Today I am missing the person so much
I want to believe we live in a good world but we don’t. Most people are just using others and don’t know how to cultivate their own peace and joy. They hate the ones that do. It is as old as biblical times; look what they did to Jesus. Let the evil whither away; they will be no more. Prayers to all the beautiful souls who have gotten this far ❤
❤❤🩹⛑🙏👍
Thank you. You can explain this in a calm deameaner. I appreciate that. It calmed me down. ❤
Glad it was helpful!
These videos are saving my sanity. Blessings to you all ❤
When you express the desire for a conversation with the narc boyfriend, and are told you're needy. What was I thinking?😂
Thank you so much for these videos Dr Carter
❤ thank you so much.
I needed this today!! Thank You
Bitterness, with the anger. Also facepalming telling myself I am/was stupid.
I think we have to keep in mind that it is a choice to be an abuser, abusive behaviour by itself is not a personality disorder as far as I understand it. Not every narcissist is an abuser and not every abuser is a narcissist. It's not like a narcissist is wired or programmed to abuse and his abuse towards others is out of his control. I don't believe that at all. Abuse is clearly a choice not an illness or disorder.
Narcissists know how to behave when they are in front of strangers and acquaintances so it is absolutely a choice.
Society can only work if people follow societal and humane norms to some degree. From what I saw with my narcissist then it was if he was programmed to choose the bad path. It is quite fascinating. As humans we learn that taking the ‘right’ path brings benefits to others as well as ourselves. The narcissist I knew effectively rejected harmony and stability. He needed his poor world view. Sad for him, sad for others.
Thank you ❤!
Very well timed for me.
Thank you Dr C🩶
I've had a hard pill to swallow because I found these people surrounding me so when I let the main one go the others have to go to. When people need the narc they tend to turn into flying monkeys. So I am more alone than ever but at least I know it wasn't me it was them!
This is me! And especially after I asked God to show me a sign of knowledge before marrying this guy of 31 yrs now
I came across a religious narcissist. It all started innocently. She wrote in a general Christian chat that she needed prayers because she was going through a difficult life situation. I periodically sent her prayers and just prayed for her in solitude. We were friends for several months and communicated almost every day. I did not expect to discover manipulativeness and pride in her. Despite being in a difficult life situation, she still found comfort in self-aggrandizement at my expense. She was doing everything she could to show that her relationship with God was the most true and correct, that she claimed an undisputed truth, and that the authority of God's word stood behind her. Communicating with her led me to a sense of guilt and inferiority. It seemed to me that my relationship with God was imperfect and bad, even though I pray every day, morning, noon and night, constantly thinking about God and honoring Him, reading the Bible on a regular basis. Even if you have a good relationship with God, a religious narcissist can convince you that you are under the control of the devil. Horrifying.
Loving and talking with God is a personal matter, not some sort of competition with others.
As much as this content helped me two years ago , I wish the doctor would also make content on other things like he did on his personal channel ..he hasn’t posted on there for years now and I as much as I miss his guidance, I cant just keep watching Narc videos …it’s a little disheartening…
Thanks
Thank you for your kind gesture.
🙏i would be in lost state mentally if you and other professional ytubers did not help me out with your knowledge and support sharing on these channels.
Ty 💙
OHhhhhhhhh, Yeah.......
I am in a 45 year relationship with a narcissist husband. I would love to find a therapist like you to work with about the particulars of my situation. I was disappointed to find that you are retired. I was wondering if you could recommend someone. I have Medicare and I think I can use that in any state, but I live in NM. Also I am a transformational quantum psychotherapist myself and I did try working with Better Help about 8 years ago as a therapist and I was not happy with them, so I would prefer someone not in that network alone. My situation is unique in that I was only minimally impacted in the ways most victims of narcissist abuse are. I know that my husband and I have a very deep heart connection and that is impacting the whole situation in both positive and negative ways. If you know of someone, please respond if you can if you are inclined to and I will save this page and check back. No worries if you can't, just putting it out.
My birthday (45) just passed and my older sister who I haven’t spoken to in 3 years reached out by text to wish me happy birthday. Our birthdays are a day apart and when we were kids we used to celebrate like twins on the day inbetween. I have been NC with my parents for 5 years now and this sister gradually just dropped me in that time, till I decided to see if I stopped reaching out would she? Well I waited a day thinking whether to respond, when I did I made it simple, a thanks and same to you, but asked why now, why after 3 years? She immediately lied and said she had reached out multiple times but I had not responded. Well I had receipts and fired back the exact date I had heard from her last and that it was a conversation I had initiated, she immediately shut down. This was a kind of closure with her, told her that maybe she should have started off with an explanation for why she hasn’t reached out in all this time. That I had just given her that chance and to not expect another one.
TLDR; grieving the living is terribly difficult. Stay sane out there, find your joy.
Does Gus have his harness on? I always like to see him in your videos.
Since Age 3; Mom was 'my Baby""
My NS 'forgot' my birthday this year.
I don't know how to stop this. I've been studying it for years have had more mental health treatment tl anyone I know. I ldon't get it. As I await the revenge for the last write off saying true terrible things to him, feeling free, 3 days later had to see him, filled with fear. It's diabolical.
Hi Dr. C, is being jealous of others who had healthy parents or partners (that we didn't get to have) part of the grieving process or something else... something we should shun in ourselves?
The grieving is real however, grief isn’t supposed to last the rest of our lives. Shake the sand from your sandals as Jesus did when he wasn’t wanted in a town, and walk away.
Exactly 💯
Definitely do this allot myself.
It's like a funeral for a person that never existed.
Exactly ❤️🩹 you’re grieving a ghost
Tears, no words
The grieving goes deep and can be quite confusing as well. It's not only about a loss of a person that was an illusion. It's far more than that.
It is.
Yes! It's systemic!! 😢
A mind F.
It was like dominos for me. From not knowing what narcissism was to realizing I was dating one to realizing my business partner was one to the final kicker: realizing my father was one. It was a total deconstruction of my reality. I had to remove every single one of them from my life. The grief has been overwhelming.
@@AnnK.-vu2yp 🫂❤️🩹
At some point in time, those abused by narcissists just give up trying to make amends out of sheer exhaustion from processing an endless loop of inexplicable behavior.
So true. Well said!
Indeed! 😊
We can always hope that they will ❤
So true! I know this is my life right now. I'm actually enjoying life my life now!
I just reached that point today
The grieving can impact you very deeply. Especially when your parents (or first caregivers) have been Narcissists. You were not only been robbed of your entire childhood, but your whole identity has also been stolen from you.
When my mother, the narcissist, passed I felt nothing except, maybe relief.
You explained perfectly
@@davidmann4533 Thank you!
When you have been raised by Narcissistic parents, the grieving is about the childhood that you were not allowed to have. Instead you had to carry a burden that was much too heavy for your little shoulders: you had to take care of your parents. And this is a paradox that will result in a long rat tail: being trained into this feelings and behave you will attract more toxic people in your life - like the light attracts mosquitos.
The first step is to realize it had nothing to do with you. You were not the fault or cause. For generations this is the way it was and they just repeated what was done to them and they didn’t have the strength to face it or change it, but a lot of us out here are trying to end that generational trauma and look for healthier ways of living.
I know it sounds off but they might have been better parents if they had the courage to face it and change. Be grateful that you are.
The good news is we are aware. We found this marvelous channel. We grow and thrive to become better.
I was married for about 20 years before I realized I had "married my mother." It came out of some thoughts I had after reading an article by some idiot male researchers in which they claimed that "women marry their fathers" - i.e., pick a man just like Daddy. (No mention was made about men marrying Momma, curiously...) Anyway, when I pondered it, I knew for a fact that my narc husband was nothing like my Dad, with whom I had a loving relationship. Then the lightning hit - he was just like my mother. I had married what was familiar to me without consciously realizing it. After 45 years I am now in the process of leaving. They don't change or improve (Mom never did, either), and now that I'm in my upper 60's, I'm cutting my losses at last so I can enjoy what time I have left.
@@lisalambert81865 This is truth, what u said, imo.
@@susansheldon2707😮😮😮omg... There were times i'd actually tell my narcspouse, "You're as bad as/worse than MY MOM" - who ended up living with narcspouse and me til her passing, but was herself a very injured narcissist. What u just said made it clearer to me how even both their roles were really ...primed for cohesion... to be a juggernaut of narcissism against me, but both of them used their own favorite tactics.
Can't wait for this one! Narc father is now in his 80's and it's just too late now for him to ever be the caring and loving parent that I needed so much. I grieve the dad who never was and never will be.
So do I! I’m with you on that. And my mother now lives a very difficult life as well.
Same here except for my mother. I tried to talk with her about it but she blew it all out of proportion and blamed me instead.
My narcissist father is 88 years old. I'm 43 because I was adopted when he was 45 years old. I gave up trying to have a relationship with him in 2016 after decades of him being verbally and physically abusive to me. After finding out about narcissism I realized he's never going to change. Even if he did try to change, I don't have 5 to 10 years of time to waste to see if his therapy is changing him. I'm just glad I escaped in my 30's.
Me too. And I am now dealing with recognizing what my dad is along with a husband of 40 years. I have had 3 years of not living with a narcissist in my entire life. That has hit me hard.
Definitely need to hear this one. I keep grieving a person I know was not real.
Me too
It's really shocking when you see how bold it is.
I WISHED HE WAS REAL. BUT HE WAS JUST ACTING,WASTING MY TIME. I GRIEVED HIM, BUT HATED HIM TOO BECAUSE HE WAS A FAKE.
They never intend to give you a chance at a normal relationship
Lol Of course, not. How could they? They don't know how!
You got that right sister
@@triciadreas9835 😊
Because they want you free to take care of them in their old age. I'm living the nightmare right now.
It's worse after you've had kids with such a person. It's not just the loss of the person you have to grieve, but the loss of the happy family at every single holiday. A single person you can get over and eventually replace. The loss of that family integrity is forever.
and even more worse when one of your kids to that narc ..out narcs their father
It is the one thing you wanted most that was set up for failure. To recall the first underminded comments that threw you. To think this was intentional, to see how it was implemented, to know that they don't want the best outcomes for your children..that betrayal hits deep.
Yes and it’s the same loss of family with narc parents & siblings 😢
So right!! And still dealing with the aftermath 30 years later because the narcissist lied so much.
Absolutely agree! My narc mother and narc ex worked together to alienate my children from me. One child returned, however, it’s still a fragile relationship r/t the tapes of lies still play in her head. Holidays forever gone🥲
My narc father sold my empathic mother a fake bill of goods. He was an entrepreneur, sportsman, man about town. Outsiders thought he was terrific. He worked to achieve that adoration from strangers, whilst heaving emotional abuse on his family. My mother was a loving, trusting, caring person who was taught to accept others @ face value. I grieved that my father was a fraud~and nothing @ all like my friend's fathers. I then went on to marry an emotionally unavailable malignant narc who followed the same playbook. The grief was palpable, but not as all encompassing as grieving the parent I never had. The choice in a narc partner happened because we gravitate to what is familiar~even if it's bad for us.
I was married to a narcissist husband. I was that mother to my kids. Thank you so much for saying what they were feeling. I feel like I failed them. I had no idea what a narcissist was I would have left. I grieved first and blamed myself. Then I thought I did nothing wrong. I just didn’t know I was married to a demon who set out to destroy me and try to steal my sole from God.
❤
Absolutely! 🕊️♥️🕊️
I love the dog sleeping on the sofa
@@ReRe_642I understand those feelings. I'm here to tell you, you did all you could, all you knew. You cared! We can't recognize and properly deal with something we don't know exists (narcissism)!
Sobering. I was buffaloed and groomed, then blindsided. I expected a forever. I feel too old to start over.
There is slot of us…. have the same feeling 😢….
You're never too old 😊
Grieving the loss of the marriage/family I thought I had having to reconcile that to what he was actually doing (multiple long-term affairs and hookups) as well as grieving the loss of the future I thought I would have. Having to start over as a divorced 60 year old is not how I thought my life would turn out and struggling with grief and the unfairness is difficult. Prayers for all of you living this.
Me too, Aaron. Packing it all up at this point, all of life’s rubble I’m left dealing with while he’s reveling on azure seas.
Dr.C & Dr.R gave me the green light to accept it and find the peace in the midst of it all. They should be nominated for sainthood. 😇👼
@@LoneStarLady- Awful, just awful 😢💐
What's worse than figuring out your loved one is a narcissist? Being born to a parent who's a pathological narcissist, being subjected to decades of second-guessing, living as the their scapegoat convinced you, yourself, are the problem. Yes, I grieved for 46 years over the daily frustrations, trying to figure out what I did wrong; only to finally realize, at 46, that I wasn't the problem. By the time our narcissist parent died, my tears had been dry for many years. There was simply nothing left to grieve.
Embrace your freedom
Same for my male parent, but I'm thankful I was able to relieve some of the problems he experienced in his 80s, which helped my brother care for him.
I think the hardest part is accepting that the narcissist is evil. If you grow up with narc parents you have to find some good in them to help you cope and survive these families. I will have to let this childish belief go and accept the truth.
That’s the only way,to move forward.
When a door closes a window opens!
😊
No I think my parents were good parents. I think they chose the lesser of two evils in this world. Tough decisions were made. Nothing is free. Spiritual death brings about a death to parts of the mind and this has consequences too. But I think the best of them even though can’t associate again on this earth.
One of the many grievings might be about the big confusion in your head, which is called "dissociation". Because of the "hot-cold shower" your brain lost the ability to combine perceptions into a normal, fully comprehensive experience.
Would like to learn more about this. Could you ask Les?
Not being able to wrap your head around the loss
Grief can be a numb pain that throbs with unrelenting persistence. But, it does get better
Narcisstist = waste of time and a waste of space!
Narcissists are societal wrecking balls.
And a waste of energy.
Mental Space. Clean it out of negativities. This is my issue. I dwell on what or why people do what they do & act so rudely.
I truly appreciate this topic.
Weather consciously or unconsciously, I definitely grieve for the husband I will never have, because of his narcissism.
I will never have that deep fulfilling connection to him that I wanted, before I found out what he was really like. That is sad...for anyone to discover...
I think that finding out that you are married to a narcissist, is the greatest kind of aloneness.
You understand that the one who claimed to love and cherish you, the one who claimed to honor you, the one who claimed they would become your closest, most trusted, loyal friend, confidant, protector...it was all lies...
They don't love you.
They never did and they never will.
They actually hate you.
They don't care to know anything about you.
They are only using you for what you can offer them.
Very sad....
Ditto on everything you said. I am now leaving my narc husband of 45 years. Each time I feel a little guilty, more and more memories of his myriad acts of contempt and hatred toward me come to mind. And I am reassured all over again that I NEED to be away from him for good. He won't ever change, just play act it for a little while before reverting to the same dark hatred.
I struggled for a long time with all that you mentioned. I took it personally and was hard on myself. But what has helped recently is knowing that my covert narc husband isn’t just singling me out. He is the same with all the relationships in his life. That’s not my fault / problem. It’s his. For some reason shifting my perspective has helped.
@@BBurton1219 For years in my marriage, I didn't know what was wrong. I didn't have a name to give to the problems that I was dealing with in the marriage. I would constantly try to do things for him to lighten his mood or gain his approval.
But, it never worked, and I did have self doubts and so much depression and frustration, because I couldn't understand what was wrong. Was it all my fault? That's what he would tell me!
But, after years of marriage I started to search the internet for answers and stumbled upon the topic of narcissism. The more I read and listened, it was as if these people had peered into every detail of my marriage.
I could not believe that everything they were saying was spot on!
So, once I learned more about narcissism and narcissistic abuse THEN I began to feel free!
THEN I discovered that all the garbage that he tried to put on me, actually came from within himself! He was just projecting it all on to me!
I learned that he is the one with deep emotional turmoil, not me.
He is the one stuck inside his anger and contempt, not me.
He is the one that fits the ugly description that he tried to project on me, not me!
The knowledge that I gained on this topic was so freeing and empowering! I too, through knowledge, was able to shift my perspective.
All the ugly names he called me, all the judgemental criticisms he flung at me, all the anger and hatred he exhibited toward me really had nothing to do with me! These are all the things he felt and thought about himself, but his mind couldn't cope with all that, so he tried projecting his garbage on to me.
Perspective is everything!!!
It is self healing and positive.
Truth. The sorrow just never ends.
I am grieving the for the loving mother that I never really had.
The only way to make it better is to be a loving parent to your children. Not repeating the cycle.
Biggest grief is not being to understand the Sociopath’s short-term thinking mindset. Nothing good in life comes quickly. Relationships take openness, vulnerability and long term commitment, but the narcissist for some reason just think well, if I wear this person out, I will just move on to the next. Pure insanity.
What you said is profound. Short term thinking, yes! Nothing good comes quickly, yes! They want everything in a nutshell. Terrific set of words you spoke here, thank you!
It’s the cycle of control then punish and reject because they can’t separate from mother & you’re secondary mommy supply
And how predictable that his parents, siblings, and some extended family are ALL like him!! Literally clones of each other. Truly bizarre.
Grief is the emotional loss and the grieving can be about:
1. Trust .. you feel used
2. Friendliness .. little more than distortion
3. Affection .. turned into disgust
4. Helpfullness .. turned into demands
5. Encouragement .. became critizism
6. Normal expectations .. constant desillusionments
7. Disagreements .. turned into badgering
8. Conflict .. became abusive
9. Plans .. became schemes
10. Shared activities .. just transactions
Be aware:
》They are chameleons
》You were played, you were duped
》Their positives merely covered the dark side
》Mistreatment proved they were not safe
》You were stunned by the lack of remorse
There are 5 stages of grief:
1. Shock and denial
2. Pain and guilt
3. Anger is aroused
4. Depression and loneliness
5. Acceptance
Grief can be tied to healthy desires!!!
》Give yourself permission to have the emotions
》Be patient with yourself
》Don't isolate, reach out
》Don't go too deeply into rumination
》Remember, you live in a broken world
》Stay focused on your character, integity
》Growth can arise from your internal pain
》Stay to Dignity, Respect, Civility
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
You are so good, Roxy!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you, Dr Carter. Hope you are very much enjoying Kensington and other parts of the beautiful city 😊
Thank you!!🌻✨🍃screenshot this.
@@andreacook6000 You are very welcome 🍀
Thank you so much. I'm new here. This is extremely relatable. I've been married to a bully for 26 years. He was so charming when we dated. I feel it was false advertising on his part. It's gradually gotten worse and now I feel trapped. However here in the comments, I see I'm not alone -- this helps a lot.
Welcome to Team Healthy 🙂❤️🙏
@@SherryWilson-dk7bo thank you
And yes, welcome!!🍃💕✨🌻🐾🪻
When I saw the title of this video, I knew I needed to listen to it. Because many people just don't get what we go through and because we can't speak freely of these experiences because of that, it makes a huge impact to hear you put it so succinctly. These are foundational betrayals of love and trust. You want to be friends with your parents - you want to trust them. You want the love you thought you found with a man to be real. But when those people are narcissists and abusive toward you, when they repeatedly lie to you and do harm to your sense of self and won't stop those behaviors, you have to free yourself from those relationships in order to survive. You have to face the fact that they don't love you and that they won't see you or hear you. Most people don't understand the grief of realizing that. Thanks for understanding and speaking about it.
Thank you Dr. Carter. I wish I could meet you in person so that I could shake your hand. Thank you so much for sharing your wise advice. Some of us are going through the most horrendous stuff because of the narcissist and your wisdom is so needed. Thank you.
The grieving process - from loss to acceptance - is not linear. Took me a few years. It sucks but always remember that the person you thought you knew never existed. Anyone can be pleasant in the good times but as Dr C stated in previous videos, stress and strain reveal the real character.
"If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values, they're hobbies."
- Jon Stewart
A life never lived.
Looking forward to this one. This has been a tough issue for me lately
Dr. Carter, this video couldn’t have come at a better time. Thank you so much for your effective insights and service here. You have helped me so much.
Thank you sir! I love how your puppy dog is resting in the background too!
The feelings you spoke of is still fresh in my mind after years have passed since my divorce. I believe in my soul Dr. C the worst pain I felt from her going through all that abuse was the betrayal of intimacy. That pain almost destroyed me but thank god i’m on the other side now and moving forward. thanks 😊
I am 32 years old. I was born to love my narc mom (this is what she told me!). I'm now at this acceptance stage that I can not change her. I've tried my entire life to help that woman, even put my own families needs aside for hers, and I'm done being treated like I'm less than. If my adult self still can not receive the love, guidance, and wisdom that an older parent should be providing, then what are we doing here? I'm getting out of this eddy and going forward with my life.
This is an especially somber subject, grieving all the “ what ifs, the it’s too bad that such and such happened,why, how comes, the could-a, would-a, should-a’s, “etc
But I’m here now. I never would have come across Surviving Narcissism nor joined Team Healthy otherwise. I had to lose a lot to get right here, but this is where I feel the best!
Thank you for all your hard work.
When I hear your theme song, it’s like food for my soul. Don’t ever get rid of your music, Dr. C! I feel hope and energy fill my body when it plays! What a blessing that you can share your expertise on this subject to anyone with a cell phone or a computer and help those who don’t even know that narcissism even exists. I’ve come a long way in five years , even though I’m back here (not my fault, I was duped). Every lesson helps, it never gets old.thank you for everything you put out.
I would also like to take a moment to express my gratitude for all the wonderful people who are a part of team healthy. The ones who line up in the group chat while we’re waiting for your video to premiere. such wonderful, kind, supportive, friendly, caring people. We have the best men and women in this space. And dogs (GUS).Great video thanks again.
Grieving arises whenever you experience a significant loss in your life. In this particular case your grieving is more complex and it starts with the realization that there will never be a real closure unless you decide to draw a line into the sand.
Closure isn’t possible in most cases. Plus it’s a useless term. Closure for me is when I can forgive and WALK AWAY! Forgiveness doesn’t mean we have to stay in it! It’s more for us, it lets us walk on and live our lives.
You're absolutely correct 💯 it took me almost 4 years to finally figure out getting closure was impossible until I closed it for myself.
@@megn1670I don't understand why people say they can't get closure. When you close it yourself, that is closure, and you have control over it.
That's exactly what my therapist told me after a shocking experience I had a few months ago, that I have to grieve it and forgive myself first... I'm in progress, as time goes by I feel better, Life is a Lesson!!!
School of Hard Knocks!!
My mother is a covert narcissist. I went "no contact" back in March 2024. I'm not grieving the loss of no longer having a mother. She told me, before we went our separate ways, that she never wanted children, that I was a huge disappointment and embarrassment (because she can't brag on me to make herself appear more important than anyone else's kids). She never wanted grandchildren. I never had kids and, now, her friends are all talking about their grandkids and my mom is now angry that she doesn't have grandkids. It just goes on and on. I'm not perfect, which irritated her. I was never allowed to fail at anything, make mistakes, etc. I'm needing therapy to get over my anger towards my mother, 'cause it's just getting more intense. I'm looking into a therapist in my town.
Again I say, thank you Dr. Carter. You’ll never know this side of Heaven how many people you have helped understand what we have been experiencing. Thank you again. May God Bless you and your family. One of team Healthy.
#TeamHealthy
Thank you, Dr Carter ☀️
You UNDERSTAND and articulate the madness beautifully. 🙏 ❤️ ☮️
This is the most difficult part for the victim(s) to accept about the narcissist. Whatever they presented as their "good side" is purely an illusion. They will protect that illusion at all costs. Narcissists would rather die than admit that they are anything less than perfect.
They should have wanted something better than what they had for their own.
@@t_nels Yep, and they were too self absorbed to see that. It's their loss, life goes on.. and younger Gens grow & learn!
Discovering the illusion is still mind bending for me at times. I’ve been two months away from my narc husband and I know it’s going to take time. I’m feeling better now than I was two months ago but knowing about the falsehood presented so seamlessly as truth is still difficult to grasp.
I disagree, narcissists will do everything possible to destroy you to protect their illusion. They think too highly of themselves to even consider their own death.
Or wrong.
The timing of your videos are always perfect. A few weeks ago I was looking back and realizing that the girl I had fallen in love with just…never existed. It was all just another mask.
Thank you so much Dr.C and Gus and Team Healthy ❤️ 🙏🙂Be blessed!❤
Thank you Dr.C, I will put this video on the top of my playlist, thank you again, I hope you are having good time on your vacation!
When you say that you'll do more videos, it's oddly comforting. Thank you.
Even some time after discard and even when you are well into healing, it’s difficult to know how much they pretended. Mine pretended to be a different and ‘good’ person for three years before the cold and (what I made final) mask slip. Mine admitted that he had a “nice fake face” and it was the one he liked to show me until I knew better and joined up the inconsistencies. The elements of illusion and delusion are unreal. 2 years of healing chalked up. Life is real once again. No contact is so protective and restorative.
My experience was more of Jekyll and Hyde. Who was the real person was so confusing to me until I learned there is a pattern.
Totally get this. Jekyll and Hyde is a good analogy. My narc must’ve played various characters - he was a superb actor via his persona with a real nastiness beneath. Fooled me for 3 years and then I joined up the dots. Weirdest time of my life.
I was grieving my marriage ending about 2 years before it actually ended. I just knew things weren't good but was waiting for the right moment 😕
Love, prayers and blessings ❤️ 🙏
We just need to embrace Life
Every person live their own life
It s not about fight and competition
Gus is so sweet ,he sleeps Like a baby😊😊