1. Anxiety - all forms because of unsafety 2. Depression - the anger has turned inwardly 3. Hypervigilance - strong trauma responses (fight-flight-freeze-fawn) 4. Emptiness - loss of your identity 5. Intrusive thoughts / strong inner critic 6. Cognitive dissonance - inner splitting 7. Doubting yourself - low self-esteem 8. Feeling confused, numb, disoriented - the trained helplessness 9. Ruminating over and over again - not able to let go 10. Feelings of shame / guilt 11. Flashbacks / nightmares / insomania 12. All sorts of health issues because the body has "forgotten" to relax
You nailed it with this list! Incredible how much we suffer at the hands of abusive individuals, some of whom raised us to be conditioned by trauma deliberately ❤️🩹 my biggest stumbling block has been searching for that truly safe person so I can relax, but never having felt what it’s like to be loved, I simply return to someone who re-enacts that bait & switch routine. Is this what you identify as our inner cognitive dissonance? Black & white thinking seems to be ingrained in my psyche, probably instilled by those types to infiltrate our minds & infect us with their thinking too
@@caroleminke6116 Hi Carol, yes, indeed, the black and white thinking is a major problem when you have been raised by abusive people. For me this is the main issue for the splitting inside of you. You are not able to integrate inner conflicts like a healthy individual because you were a constantly witness of perceiving action and spoken words that did not match. The result is the cognitive dissonance, which for me often feels like not beeing able to perceive an integrated reality, which means I often feel like an observer of my life instead of the actor because mind and body are not on the same pitch. Biggest key for healing for me is listening to your body in order to understand what your needs are. These are little things, like when you are thirsty, then drink etc. When you are able to fullfill your needs on a more regular basis immediatley, your body can relax more often because these gaps fall apart. I think when you fullfill your needs like this, others won't perceive you as needy because the neediness is a condition that rejects healthy individuals. Feeling safe with yourself first ❤ 🥰 is the supposition to feel relaxed with others. 🫂 I know that this is easier said than done. 😉
The ruminating and resentment is what has plagued me for 20 years. The deception, the betrayal, the lying, the emotional abuse, and just realizing how evil he really was. And sure enough, when the ruminating subsides, he pops back up again. It’s like scratching a scab off a wound.
So looking forward to this. Recently went no contact with my sister, her daughters and my brother. Parents are gone. All were, are narcissists, I am an empath. Can't sleep, sleep too much, shake, cry, overhelmed with depression. Can't stop thinking of their cruelty, false accuasations, their no accountability, their screaming and tantrums, cutting words. Ruthlessness. I want to be free of the memories and hurt. It's overwhelming. To be the target of so many in a family is truly debilitating. I am 14 years younger then my sister, 12 years younger then my brother. My dad didn't want me...mother suffocated me... I don't understand why I was born into such a family.
Well, that does look bad, I'm sorry, here in Texas, state your name, I flipped my wig, got fed up, with my sister, my community is encouraging you peace and harmony, our Doctor rules, he has good people in his circle, thanks community, the comments, the questions, so much comfort, for just normal carein, go team healthy, don't mimic ugly please dont
I wear my scars proudly as a badge of what I have overcome, and reminder of how great freedom feels. If only they could sustain "scars of shame" for all the damage they do. Almost like a Surgeon Generals Warning label. Stay Healthy!!
@@t_nels When we are in it, still connected to the game and toxicity, it is hard to see past it. All we can ever do is what is ultimately best for us and leave the rest. You have made very healthy connections here, for one, and you are so giving of yourself. That is your shining glory. My prayers are with you, for you to have the oppression lifted. For you to reconnect with that self worth inside of you. And for you to know that your day will arrive. Anytime you need a reminder of your awesomeness, you know I am here. Take care, Teresa. You ARE worthy! 🫂❤❤
“Chicks dig scars….” - Keanu Reeves’ character in The Replacements movie. Still waiting for proof, lol, but still hoping. Grace to you, Bara. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Self sabotaging behaviour has being the worst for me. I’ve just read two books recently after fifteen years. I never complained and had high tolerance of others and kept myself well but my honesty has become like a constant complaining.
My mother was one and she was evil both parents were,, and then through adulthood I’ve had physical mental and emotional abuse from relationships, they used my past as a weapon against their own behaviour even though I have always stated that I am a survivor of abusive people and it’s not a weakness it’s a strength that I’m proud of for calling them out when I was 16 and I’ve never stayed with anyone who thinks it’s okay for them to do the same,, yet they say I’m the crazy one for standing up to them,, but yes it’s still painful to keep being put through the same behaviour again and again,, one thing I’ve learned from realising is not to let anyone else know about my past that I’m proud to be a survivor from, just to give someone else a cheap shot at me, they use past experiences or trauma as an excuse for their behaviour and that’s something I’ve never ever done for any mistakes I have made myself, you’re past doesn’t excuse disgusting behaviour to another person, I have always treated people how I expect to be treated myself, 6 months ago I ended my last relationship and I’ve had nothing but harassment and stalking behaviour, but me being me I’ve called him out to the authorities who still haven’t arrested him after 6 crime numbers and a 3 hour statement giving them paper work on every occasion I noted down when he would degrade me and leave me in a state of tears and frustration so he could keep leaving me, since been confirmed what my gut always told me he was cheating on me, 177 emails I had to forward to the police and that’s without any messages he was blocked from, so many threats that were disturbing and it’s time this was taken more serious because I should be allowed to walk away from someone and not have to worry about him being around my house and until he’s dealt with it’s hard to try and get back to normal even though I’m getting there and I will not give up reporting him and he thinks he’s above the law because he has served in the army and he thinks that is going to keep allowing him to get away with treating women like he does, and each woman has always had to leave him, it’s never his fault and now I’m just as bad as the rest of them, but il leave it to Karma and that’s how I deal with walking away from people like him and I don’t respond back just keep sending everything to the authorities, they can never be helped because they don’t think they are ever wrong but I do strongly believe in my situation and many others who are dealing with stalking and harassment should have stronger punishment 💯
Dr C, I would like to 5hank you for all your help, over the last few years, helping me make sense of my marriage, and family life. I now feel I need to let the Narc, ex husband go from my head, as it's been two years since I left. I need now to focus on me, and try and figure out, how to go forward on my own, for now anyways. What makes me, me. My positives and negatives. And figure out a new road map for my life. It is with sadness that I'm unhitching from our lovely group here. But it's time to forget about my Ex, and to now focus on ME . Thank you all. ❤
These scars are for life! All 12!!! 😢 Hate to say it but it’s true! The abuse trauma never goes away! I can’t shake it still after learning of what I got myself into this by the education from last 5.5 years! I still come back for help! Just empty and Sad I can’t get myself back 😢
Thank you, Dr. Carter. You've helped me is oh, so many ways. I know you are retired from practice and all, but I appreciate your new job that you give 100% of your focus to now......."God's Work"😊
@@SurvivingNarcissism going through checklists like this have actually changed the way I address narcissistic abuse/baiting/hoover tactics that used to really work on me and get me in trouble due to my reactivity . In effect teaching me to apply methods that might not make me "narcissist immune" but close, which to me is a miracle. Bless you!
I have been burtly hurt. I am fearful of saying the wrong thing. I never trust my circumstance. Yes I am very careful of what I say. My resentment is deep. Very hurtful. Spiritually crushed. I feel the need to justify what they say about me is a lie. Yes negatively listen to my son I am not rebellious. I received many negative lies and judgments. I do avoid anyone my that is involved with my son. I use to love life . Living to be around my granddaughter. As I learned what happened to me I cry and think why? I am now healing. I am not living in the past. But he constantly says quit bringing up the past and I don't. And since I don't he has quit talking to me. I am starting to ground myself in the word of God. I am trying to help my granddaughter who has been so abused mentally by him she dosent know what is really truth. He implants false memories in her and she has actually ask me why I did or said something that I did not. My son is a dangerous person. I am going to hold on with everything I have to my peace.
What can you do when you are too old and sick to leave? Health issues are stress related for sure. I know Jesus is there for us. God saved me once by sending an angel when I was out of it mentally, only thing on my mind was to kill my self. Would love to share the complete story somewhere. Also God sent me on a mission to help a beautiful young person. You never know when your circumstances were there for you to use for good with someone else. 🙏🏻. Still a tough road. Went no contact with sister-in-law 6 years ago, what a relief, miss the good times and my brother (he is a puppy dog that licks at everything thing she says).
I forgive the abuser but i don't trust them trust is earned i forgive you for my self so i can move forward with my life without you i can do good all by myself i have Jesus Christ in my life i am in the healing process now more looking back for me sign Cynthia Smith
I think I’ve done pretty good on healing my psychological scars, but I had to remain no contact with the narcissist. When the narcissist would call or send a message, I found myself falling back into the same unhealthy patterns and it always ended up with me feeling bad about how I reacted and regret for making contact with that person. Since staying no contact, I focus on loving myself and I’ve started surrounding myself with healthier people.
I have an extremely difficult time letting go of the traumatic emotional violence. I'm still stunned that people that were supposed to love me treated me like that. Things I would never do to anybody , not even a dog.
Emotional and psychological scars: 1. Sense of love/goodness has been drained 2. Responsible for minimizing other's agitations 3. You distrust calm moments 4. Lots of internal rules and regulations (outward performance) 5. You carry raw bitterness and resentment 6. Defending yourself when it's not neccessary 7. You carry annoyance, intolerance toward differences 8. Asking unnecessary questions 9. Reluctant to reveal mistakes 10. You fall into self-sabotaging behaviours 11. Receiving shame and judgment that does not belong to you 12. Indulging extreme thoughts about being close with people Affirmations to soothe your scars could be: 》"I am stronger than the Narc thinks." 》"My past does not define who I am." 》"My past pain will become a teacher." 》"I determine my values, standards and preferrences." Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
I will wrap a beloved 'throw' (blanket with a love message or beautiful motif) around me for a while. Sometimes I wrap my arms around myself and hold myself, then maybe do it a different way. Sometimes I Just Dance for a few minutes in front of a mirror, however I want to move, just for the enjoyment of it.
I pray for your peace strength comfort and safety in the name of Jesus Christ can't no one love you like being in a relationship with Jesus Christ I have been through physical and mental abuse I am still learning to love my self I am still a work in progress I am middle age I had to forgive myself for being so gullible and forgive the abuser I realized it is ok to be my self sign Cynthia Smith
Virtual hug to you!!! You have a community here! There are people who absolutely do understand. One day you'll be hugging someone else who really needs it because if what you are going through now. That person is out there now waiting for someone to understand.
6:21 Over explaining is a huge sign of having been repeatedly gaslit by someone in your past. It used to be a very bad habit for me because I used to think people wouldn’t understand or believe whatever I was saying unless I convinced them to.
When I finally realized that the only relationships where I consistently felt I had to explain and justify myself because I wasn't trustworthy was my family of origin. When I decided to stop explaining, I was labeled with comically inaccurate characteristics. They have a construct in their minds of who you are, but no interest in or appreciation of you as a 3D human individual, separate from their superficial and "lesser" image of you. Let them have it, because they're not interested in any kind of growth and they're certainly not going to accept it from you.
This is the first time one of your videos made me cry. I can relate to almost all of these but feel stuck now. I’m 61, gave up almost everything of MINE when I remarried, have made cigarettes my “companion” and really don’t have many dreams anymore. I’m lost.
Signs you have scars from abuse 1. Sense of love/goodness has been drained 2. Taking too much responsibility for others agitations. 3. Learned to distrust calm moments. 4. Lots of internal rules and regulations. 5. Carry resentments and bitterness. 6. Feel the need to justify and defend your actions when it’s unnecessary 7. Carry annoyances/intolerance to differences. 8. Asking unnecessary questions. 9. Reluctance to reveal mistakes. 10. Fall into self sabotaging behavior. 11. Taking on shame and judgement that doesn’t belong to you. 12. Indulging in extreme thoughts of closeness/distance with another person.
1. I’m stronger than the narc says. 2. My past doesn’t define who I am today. 3 My pain is my teacher. I’m going to learn from it. 4. Dignity, civility, and respect are choices we can make. 5. I get to determine my values, preferences and standards.
@@mariehughey5390 This info is great!! Thank you for sharing. Having a grateful heart has helped me alot!! As a cancer survivor who just had my 22nd surgery, when something goes wrong, I ask myself, what can I learn from this. I call them "speedbumps" in my journey. They may slow me down, but they will not stop me. I have a hard time with change. I'm learning, change is inevitable. 😊
Thank you for what you do, by helping people who have emotional psychological mental verbal & physical abuse I say physical because their actions cause high blood pressure, anxiety & other deadly diseases. Again, vThank you❤
I've have written off a whole group of people. But I don't feel safe when I see them. I'm not trying to hurt anyone, but I can't let them get next to me.
I've recently gone NC with a narcissistic relative who was like a father figure to me. I'm just starting to see how toxic he is, and am starting to realize just how scarred I am. Thank you for helping me on my healing journey. Peace and strength to us all.
I recently took Dr C's Anger Games course. Great source of help! And I printed the written information and homework so I can review it from time to time. Thank you Dr C!
I have a question about something if someone could help me? I was in a relationship with a Covert Narcissist. He did it all. However, in May he physically assaulted me (tackled me like I was a football player, also hit my head on the coffee table. I think my body is still in shock from that day. Everything hurts.. Everything. My brain, jaw, neck, heart, breasts, literally everything. Even my teeth from grinding/ Lost 25 pounds, my hair is falling out in clumps… Is this a normal response to what I experienced?
That's major abuse, criminal,, and yes, it's normal for you to ache physically and emotionally. Please do not suppress it. Make sure a physician is helping, as well as therapy. If you were my family member I would plead with you to leave anyone capable of such brutality. Criminal charges could be filed. for domestic violence. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism - Thank you Dr. C for your response & support. I don’t have any medical insurance unfortunately. I’ve been doing my best to actually “feel” everything and then release it which for me is intense crying. Usually it’s in a pillow so I don’t frighten my family or neighbors. My first therapy appointment is July 18th. I don’t talk to anyone about this bc it’s that bad. To be honest I’m really upset that my parents didn’t help me press charges. That man did a lot more than what I wrote above. I do regret not going to the police. I can’t drive or else I would go in a heartbeat. I don’t want him to hurt (or worse) someone else. They drove hours to come get me the following day. Didn’t mention anything bc I was so dissociated but when they saw all the bruises on me & his fingerprints on my arms they panicked. I think they were afraid he was going to be there & do something crazy. I’m not allowed to talk about anything so I don’t upset anyone else which is messed up but it is what it is. I’ve been a long time subscriber of yours. Thank you for all that you do. I mean that with all of my heart. If I wasn’t for you I would be in a mental hospital bc I would have internalized all the awful things he said. Bc of you I recognized many tactics that saved my sanity. The horrific things he did to me in other ways I’m still in shock about. Dark Tetrad type of behavior. He knew I had no where else to go. The worst past is he knew my ex husband was a malignant narcissistic sociopath. Spent 7 years after my divorce to somewhat heal from him. He intentionally did many things my ex did, in addition to other things I never thought anyone could do. So messed up. Already have CPTSD with dissociation so this has really messed me up. My heart is absolutely shattered. My soul hurts, but don’t miss or love him anymore. I did for the first 2 weeks which I thought that was so weird. So I wrote down all the things he said/did. Any time I began to miss him, I read it. All feelings are gone. I apologize about the long post. I’m incredibly thankful for you Dr. C. 🙏💛
Dear Doc C., today I looked at a photo of me from back in college. I'm about your age now. I said to that old photo, "I finally know what was wrong". That minute felt so good! I thank you so much💙💙💙
The first law of healing is the law of vitality. First, removing what injures, followed by the natural tendency to begin to heal if left alone. Don’t pick at a scab. Broken bones, once set properly, will heal stronger. The scar over a cut (however ugly) is tougher than the original surface, especially if the wound is kept clean.
@@roxymovie3938 A skilled professional is needed, of course, but the body is already trying to overcome damage: blistering over burns begins immediately, white blood cells invade the region, etc. Some/many scars never go away, but someone with skill can reduce long-term damage.
@@aaronkwolfe Do you know, why I am asking? - Because I have 3rd degree scalds and I was in a specialized hospital but my skin has not become thicker but thinner!!!
@@roxymovie3938 So sorry to hear about that, Roxy. As for wounds, I was actually thinking about cuts that scar afterward. I have a few of those, myself. And the body’s immediate action is to protect and begin healing.
Dr. Carter thank you for your video. I am going to save this video for my mother when she gets out of rehab. My mother recently had a adverse reaction to a BP med and ended up in the hospital on a ventilator. My mother has been married to my narcissistic father for 76 years. While she's been away from him for almost a month now, the light bulb finally went on. She told me she never wants to see him again. He is not happy to say the least. I have moved all her personal items out of their assisted living apartment, and moved them to a secured place for her to live. According to him, I'm an Ahole and rotten daughter. Oh well...too bad...so sad...so sorry! Peace on the horizon! My mother will love your video. Thanks again, Dr. Carter!!!
@@aliceroberts1980 Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I appreciate it. Actually, I was married to a narcissist for 25 years. After that... I made a quick exit. I have stuck by my mom because she is a lovely person and hasn't deserved the cruelty that she's endured. She was afraid of him. She had good reason to be. She is safe now, but she's been traumatized. I'm hoping with the help from Memory Care we can get her back to her sweet self. Thanks again for your encouragement. Take care! 💝
Thanks I so need this. I now have panic attacks.. Never had them before. Until very angry at my abuser.. Now that I am set free. Have these wierd panic and anxiety.... So very sad. They truly do know how to abuse your mind.
Unfortunately, I have new wounds that are being created at the moment. I can only use past healing experiences to reduce the impact like a damage limitation!!! As always, I look forward to the video.
@yukio_saito Thank-you. I got over my divorce but didn't expect it from my son. It's a different situation and needs to be handled appropriately. Sorry to be vague but I have people looking out for me and the support from the Team Healthy is amazing and is giving me strength 💪
Amanda, very sorry to hear that you get retraumatized!!! I really hope your son will move out again with his girl-friend, the sooner, the better. 🏃♀️🏃🏠 I am thinking of you and praying for you 🙏💛🙏 Big hugs ❤🫂
We should constantly pause and give credit to those who have keen narc radar and who altruistically stand up for those whom they silently understand as having been wounded.
*calm pain wishes and being heard dreams* had visiting fam last week try forcing contact with Nsis. i tried to explain what they dont know about, also reaching out for help. they made excuses, dismissed me, stayed at Nsis house. im the problem or scapegoat, cornered, isolated in the country with Ndad. kinda missing my tent in the woods back when i had strength to try surviving disabilities without their annoyed highly controlling “help”
@@ljjae1648 I feel your pain from this recent experience. You have the knowledge of what you are dealing with. They will never have any remote clue. Hang in there. Sorry.
They are criminals . That is what the behavior is . They should some how be accepting always . All of them . They just get away with it because of No accountability . That is not Justice . They do alot of harm that cannot be removed or reversed . They are able to ruin a person's LIFE . They need to be held accountable . Laws I hope will change the way victims are left having to deal with all their lie's, abuse . All the different ways they abuse . They LIE. about ANYTHING. They never care . I hope something changes for better care of the victims . ♥️😇
We went through the same thing. It’s hard for sure. Make your friends your family and keep busy. When the siblings and family come to mind try to push them away. If they cared for you they would say sorry or let’s try to work things out. So if they don’t that means they don’t want you and you have no choice but to accept it. It’s them, NOT you. They are miserable unhappy people.
My nex wasn't "all that", and I did have a certain amount of pity for him in the beginning. I felt he just needed someone to really care for him, so I did. But, it backfired on me. To think he thought he could disrespect me, make demands, make up lies about me, shout, yell, and push me around, etc., still makes me angry. I gave my all and he was really just a big jerk. I'm still licking my wounds, and no longer trust my judgment.
Their behaviour is so insidious… Don't blame yourself. I am 47 years in and only recently found out about this behaviour that has gotten so much worse with age. No one told me… Not even the psychologist that was supposed to be "helping" years ago.
Thanks doc❤🎉🙏🌈💫 I have found your voice and presence and words very soothing . I have realized I have come through all this with consequences yes. However I realize I am also wiser for it and have always been more powerful and resilient than I ever gave myself credit for. I believe and am witnessing my life enhance and improve and expect it to continue and be wonderful. I am working on being ready for another intimate relationship in my own time- perfect timing for me. I really look forward to experiencing a truly loving, safe, secure, fun and enriching relationship with a true love. Love to you and your listeners❤☔️🎡
Yep, I definitely didn't trust good times or calm times and had difficulty trusting good people for a long time! And I used to get angry so easy! I experienced most of the things mentioned here. But after everything I went through, the best things that happened out of all of it, is my independence and resilience, am truly grateful for that!
Well, I also realize that I cannot rush these stages. If I’m still mad about a recent bout of abuse, I can’t rush to the next phase of inner peace. I have to let myself feel the feelings first in order to move through them.
Scars heal over time, they may cut deep then they turn raised, purple and bumpy but over time they level out flatten and are barely noticed. Peace all and thanks Dr. C
10:30 With all the love and respect towards you mr. Carter, but directions suggested in "Where am I gonna go from this day forward" are not the answer, are not enough. One can ask, "So what is the answer?". Honestly? I have no idea. World is just more cruel, than we allow ourselves to think.
I don’t know about the concept of healing. I suspect it’s a myth that generates a lot of revenue for those who benefit. I don’t think one ever heals, but I do believe that one can build a lot of resiliency to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune ( Shakespeare).
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, & 10ish(when the depression hit) are my scars. Healing these scars and seeing a noticeable difference in myself can only have happened having gone no contact. Number 3 is my biggest obstacle and has been for so long. Like when you’re 10 yrs old and do something you’re proud of and your N father slaps you in the face and tells you what you did was all wrong. I’m finally seeing glimpses of trusting the calm and I’m like “oh that’s what that feels like”. Moving forward and having learned to recognize all this thanks to videos such as this. Thank you Dr. Carter.
thing is i can be invalidated by the whole world,but when the one i most care for/or less expect from because of how highly i think of them do it,these people have the power of killing me inside
Such awesome video AGAIN. I’m just so glad I know Jesus he is such a help so so much. I don’t know what I would do without Jesus, because he is the best to run to for sure. He certainly is always there and never abandoned and is an awesome mighty God and healer. Thank you and God bless you. From JANESVILLE, WI
Dr. Carter, I think you saved my life by joltting me out of denial. Today is my 30th anniversary to a covert narc who I am divorcing. After the insights you've given I can't unsee the abuse. I have to get through today and move forward. I can't thank you enough.
You are spot on! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and for your message of Peace. I´ve replayed your video several times, it´s so good, so instructive!
I was in a narcissistic relationship with my ex-husband that ended in divorce in 1989. In 2010 I started dating my current husband (not a narcissist). He had a dog who he disciplined by shouting, “SIT DOWN”!!! And I immediately sat down!! It was embarrassing but showed me that scars were still there.
I have listened to this session several times. For me IT IS BANG ON. I realise I can be triggered and my pain can resurface. The words that jump out at me are ‘they make it all about you’. Wow that is so powerful.I am slowly processing what you are saying, because it is very deep and powerful. My bottom line is I can’t understand ‘their ‘ logic.and there lies the problem.I don’t understand how a narcissist thinks, and it is doing my head in trying to understand. My narc has lost 7 jobs through shouting,he has no friends, and it clearly is upsetting him that I am not bothered by our fall out. I am getting on with my life. He is now trying to muscle in on some of my friends. They don’t want him, not because they are MY friends but because they don’t want him.!. And then he will say…’well I gave them some apricots and invited them for drink, but they didn’t come’. So it becomes all about THEM. He simply can’t see that after 5 years he still has no friends. You can see why trying to find logic when there is no logic is doing my head in. Thank god for your sessions. Judy from uk
Thank you for sharing. I've been out of the relationship for a couple months now. I have bad days and good days. Your videos have helped me to understand what was happening to me. I truly appreciate it sir.
I went through an extreme discard by my covert narc ex girlfriend. She hoovered me back when the traumabond was still strong and hurt me again but before she could discard me a second time I pulled the breaks and went full no contact. It was hard the first year, was better the second year, now I am pretty much over it but I just realised that I am not able to form any form of romantic bond anymore. I feel damaged. Women flirt and hit on me left and right but I just cant feel anything and brush them all off. I went through therapy but it didnt change. Im alone most of the time. It was lonely at first. Now it is more peaceful but still lonely. I am a bit worried as I feel like I am disabled. I feel a form of emptyness. I wonder if this will go away or stay like this forever. I cant believe she was able to damage me that way.
It's shocking how damaging narcissists can be! However, I do believe you will get to the point when you can love again. But it may take another couple of years. People say 'time heals all wounds" but remember, if the wounds are deep ones, it could take five or so years for a full recovery.
Dr Les, you are describing Loss of Consortium. The inability to engage in an intimate relationship again. Just like you & your dog. If you survive the premeditated attempted murder, you stick with a pet as companion. Narcissists that are dark tetrad weave an evil & corroding thread throughout their victims' lives no one can fully recover from. They do not have ability to love, therefore are not human.
This is an excellent video. I can identify with most of the signs. The damage is deep and long lasting and not just psychological The cancer I suffered from after being discarded was also the result of my life with a narcissist. Then, God rescued me. I have a wonderful life. Her’s has been painful, and lonely. I regret staying with her, but took my oath very seriously. If married to a narcissist, get out now. Do not delay. Your health is at great risk. Thanks Doctor. Thanks God.
My anxiety is alawys to the teeth for some reason it took over me out of nowhere. I used to be so mentally resilient and confident now i cant evean carry a conversation with people without having a anxiety attack.
Another great video Dr. C! I have been living away from my narc for a few years now and it still surprises me that I get to determine my own preferences. To that, sometimes it is difficult to make decisions for fear I will not make the right one. No one is here to yell at me anymore, but that scar is there (slowly healing), and am still getting to know what is right for me. #6 - Justify/defend myself, why it's okay to be me. Working on it, but the narc's opinions still sometimes get in the way or influence a decision. #8 - Unnecessary questions - I don't ask, I read body language/expressions. I think about how my narc would respond/talk to me, how awful it was and how it would ruin my day. I am working on my confidence and have made it a practice when talking with others, to consciously make the decision to take the high road, be patient, and be kind. Those positive interactions give me hope. #11 - Judgement/shame/doomed before I show up - still working on this one! Ties into why it is okay to be me. Why does what I want to do matter? It is because it is for me, my interests, my soul. I say those words and sometimes I hear the words but do not feel it. Working on it. I am an empath. I have to learn to be an empath for myself and my goals.
Please Dr C, I need help. I have all the characteristics you mentioned but number 9 (I'm the only one who always admits her errors). I need help please.
I'm over most of these after leaving ex 12 years ago. I still have nightmares, trust issues, and do not want to get clioe to anyone. But I'm finally happy 🤗
The thoughts you end off with, exactly. :) And I've come out of this with a much better understanding of just what was going on with that narc. I didn't recognize her as a narc until watching these videos. I always thought there was a lot wrong with her, but attributed it to her being incredibly insecure and childish because of her special needs.
Thanks Dr Les. I love your podcasts as they always resonate and make me feel sane again. One thing that keeps occurring to me and it did again this time, is that living with a narcissist over a long period of time slowly changes a persons normal/rational thought patterns and behaviours into the dysfunctional ones of the narcissist ie. You slowly morph into being like them. I recognise virtually all of those scars in my ex-partner. But he had no recognition or acceptance of them or understanding that none of it was normal. And ofc, i could never discuss them. It makes me think they must be deeply unhappy or anxiety driven people a lot of the time unless they get constant approval, attention and praise.
1. Anxiety - all forms because of unsafety
2. Depression - the anger has turned inwardly
3. Hypervigilance - strong trauma responses (fight-flight-freeze-fawn)
4. Emptiness - loss of your identity
5. Intrusive thoughts / strong inner critic
6. Cognitive dissonance - inner splitting
7. Doubting yourself - low self-esteem
8. Feeling confused, numb, disoriented - the trained helplessness
9. Ruminating over and over again - not able to let go
10. Feelings of shame / guilt
11. Flashbacks / nightmares / insomania
12. All sorts of health issues because the body has "forgotten" to relax
You nailed it with this list! Incredible how much we suffer at the hands of abusive individuals, some of whom raised us to be conditioned by trauma deliberately ❤️🩹 my biggest stumbling block has been searching for that truly safe person so I can relax, but never having felt what it’s like to be loved, I simply return to someone who re-enacts that bait & switch routine. Is this what you identify as our inner cognitive dissonance? Black & white thinking seems to be ingrained in my psyche, probably instilled by those types to infiltrate our minds & infect us with their thinking too
@@caroleminke6116 Hi Carol, yes, indeed, the black and white thinking is a major problem when you have been raised by abusive people. For me this is the main issue for the splitting inside of you. You are not able to integrate inner conflicts like a healthy individual because you were a constantly witness of perceiving action and spoken words that did not match. The result is the cognitive dissonance, which for me often feels like not beeing able to perceive an integrated reality, which means I often feel like an observer of my life instead of the actor because mind and body are not on the same pitch. Biggest key for healing for me is listening to your body in order to understand what your needs are. These are little things, like when you are thirsty, then drink etc. When you are able to fullfill your needs on a more regular basis immediatley, your body can relax more often because these gaps fall apart. I think when you fullfill your needs like this, others won't perceive you as needy because the neediness is a condition that rejects healthy individuals. Feeling safe with yourself first ❤ 🥰 is the supposition to feel relaxed with others. 🫂 I know that this is easier said than done. 😉
Yes to all of the above: 😢
The ruminating and resentment is what has plagued me for 20 years. The deception, the betrayal, the lying, the emotional abuse, and just realizing how evil he really was. And sure enough, when the ruminating subsides, he pops back up again. It’s like scratching a scab off a wound.
Oh man. I resonate with the entire list.
My scar is that I was and still tolerate way too much abuse..
100%
@@darinsmith2458 My comments: from what I have learned in therapy: figure out why you tolerate this? Your behavior maybe enabling. not your fault..
@@Grands-1234 I totally agree... Thank you..
So looking forward to this. Recently went no contact with my sister, her daughters and my brother. Parents are gone. All were, are narcissists, I am an empath. Can't sleep, sleep too much, shake, cry, overhelmed with depression. Can't stop thinking of their cruelty, false accuasations, their no accountability, their screaming and tantrums, cutting words. Ruthlessness. I want to be free of the memories and hurt. It's overwhelming. To be the target of so many in a family is truly debilitating. I am 14 years younger then my sister, 12 years younger then my brother. My dad didn't want me...mother suffocated me...
I don't understand why I was born into such a family.
Glad you could go no contact! Keep on keeping on. I think your life will improve enormously. And hope you can find some new loving friends!
You are not alone 😭, I rescued a squirrel baby that no one would take, during Covid and he loved me so much and that love healed me so much. 😭❤️
Listen to Dr. C, his words are so helpful! ❤
Well, that does look bad, I'm sorry, here in Texas, state your name, I flipped my wig, got fed up, with my sister, my community is encouraging you peace and harmony, our Doctor rules, he has good people in his circle, thanks community, the comments, the questions, so much comfort, for just normal carein, go team healthy, don't mimic ugly please dont
Linda in Texas, I'm listening, thanks go team healthy
Remember that narcissists do not love, they use.
@@koma4050 Your eight word's are very powerful! I wrote it down.
So... What you're saying is that all women are narcissists.
@@florintanase-vo6mv Sorry if you've had bad experience with women narcs. The NPD pathology afflicts both genders, of course.
@@florintanase-vo6mvYou do not belong in this community...your attitude is discriminatory and unwelcome.
They Lust&Loath...Scarf&Barf like a bulimic, but emotional reaction is food for their empty ego.
I wear my scars proudly as a badge of what I have overcome, and reminder of how great freedom feels. If only they could sustain "scars of shame" for all the damage they do. Almost like a Surgeon Generals Warning label. Stay Healthy!!
I wish I could say this, I hope someday I can.
You are beautiful Bara 🫂❤️🩹🌹
@@t_nelsI believe you will. Every step forward is progress! I am here with you!
@@t_nels When we are in it, still connected to the game and toxicity, it is hard to see past it. All we can ever do is what is ultimately best for us and leave the rest. You have made very healthy connections here, for one, and you are so giving of yourself. That is your shining glory. My prayers are with you, for you to have the oppression lifted. For you to reconnect with that self worth inside of you. And for you to know that your day will arrive. Anytime you need a reminder of your awesomeness, you know I am here. Take care, Teresa. You ARE worthy! 🫂❤❤
“Chicks dig scars….” - Keanu Reeves’ character in The Replacements movie. Still waiting for proof, lol, but still hoping.
Grace to you, Bara. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
And you as well, Aaron. The only way out is through and to keep going forward. Keep 'em laughing my friend.@@aaronkwolfe
No talking with/seeing/dealing with Dad 222 days now and strong!
Self sabotaging behaviour has being the worst for me. I’ve just read two books recently after fifteen years. I never complained and had high tolerance of others and kept myself well but my honesty has become like a constant complaining.
Whatever scar you get from a narc monster: just run and stay away..never look back. Let the narc be and stand on your own feet
What if it's someone in family w grandchildren 😢
@@MaryJoMatey still run away jomatey...never look back
My mother was one and she was evil both parents were,, and then through adulthood I’ve had physical mental and emotional abuse from relationships, they used my past as a weapon against their own behaviour even though I have always stated that I am a survivor of abusive people and it’s not a weakness it’s a strength that I’m proud of for calling them out when I was 16 and I’ve never stayed with anyone who thinks it’s okay for them to do the same,, yet they say I’m the crazy one for standing up to them,, but yes it’s still painful to keep being put through the same behaviour again and again,, one thing I’ve learned from realising is not to let anyone else know about my past that I’m proud to be a survivor from, just to give someone else a cheap shot at me, they use past experiences or trauma as an excuse for their behaviour and that’s something I’ve never ever done for any mistakes I have made myself, you’re past doesn’t excuse disgusting behaviour to another person, I have always treated people how I expect to be treated myself, 6 months ago I ended my last relationship and I’ve had nothing but harassment and stalking behaviour, but me being me I’ve called him out to the authorities who still haven’t arrested him after 6 crime numbers and a 3 hour statement giving them paper work on every occasion I noted down when he would degrade me and leave me in a state of tears and frustration so he could keep leaving me, since been confirmed what my gut always told me he was cheating on me, 177 emails I had to forward to the police and that’s without any messages he was blocked from, so many threats that were disturbing and it’s time this was taken more serious because I should be allowed to walk away from someone and not have to worry about him being around my house and until he’s dealt with it’s hard to try and get back to normal even though I’m getting there and I will not give up reporting him and he thinks he’s above the law because he has served in the army and he thinks that is going to keep allowing him to get away with treating women like he does, and each woman has always had to leave him, it’s never his fault and now I’m just as bad as the rest of them, but il leave it to Karma and that’s how I deal with walking away from people like him and I don’t respond back just keep sending everything to the authorities, they can never be helped because they don’t think they are ever wrong but I do strongly believe in my situation and many others who are dealing with stalking and harassment should have stronger punishment 💯
Omg its been 4 years and I still ruminate,, knowing it's stupid, never leaves you
Thank you, your words are inspiring.
Pleased!
Dr C, I would like to 5hank you for all your help, over the last few years, helping me make sense of my marriage, and family life.
I now feel I need to let the Narc, ex husband go from my head, as it's been two years since I left.
I need now to focus on me, and try and figure out, how to go forward on my own, for now anyways.
What makes me, me.
My positives and negatives.
And figure out a new road map for my life.
It is with sadness that I'm unhitching from our lovely group here.
But it's time to forget about my Ex, and to now focus on ME .
Thank you all. ❤
I can sense the wheels turning in your mind. Keep learning, and thanks for including me on your journey.
These scars are for life! All 12!!! 😢 Hate to say it but it’s true! The abuse trauma never goes away! I can’t shake it still after learning of what I got myself into this by the education from last 5.5 years! I still come back for help! Just empty and Sad I can’t get myself back 😢
Thank you, Dr. Carter. You've helped me is oh, so many ways. I know you are retired from practice and all, but I appreciate your new job that you give 100% of your focus to now......."God's Work"😊
Great checklist! Thanks Dr. Carter ❤
Glad it was helpful!
@@SurvivingNarcissism going through checklists like this have actually changed the way I address narcissistic abuse/baiting/hoover tactics that used to really work on me and get me in trouble due to my reactivity . In effect teaching me to apply methods that might not make me "narcissist immune" but close, which to me is a miracle. Bless you!
I have been burtly hurt.
I am fearful of saying the wrong thing.
I never trust my circumstance.
Yes I am very careful of what I say.
My resentment is deep. Very hurtful. Spiritually crushed.
I feel the need to justify what they say about me is a lie.
Yes negatively listen to my son
I am not rebellious.
I received many negative lies and judgments.
I do avoid anyone my that is involved with my son.
I use to love life . Living to be around my granddaughter.
As I learned what happened to me I cry and think why?
I am now healing. I am not living in the past. But he constantly says quit bringing up the past and I don't. And since I don't he has quit talking to me.
I am starting to ground myself in the word of God.
I am trying to help my granddaughter who has been so abused mentally by him she dosent know what is really truth. He implants false memories in her and she has actually ask me why I did or said something that I did not. My son is a dangerous person. I am going to hold on with everything I have to my peace.
Oh Lord.. How, why? Please continue to help us. 😢
Thank you for helping people on this channel, thank you for helping me.
I checked almost all of them . But “I am healing!”
You’re a really great person.
Much of this describes me, exactly.
I think I should change the working title of my experiential book "If It Happened To You, Would You Want To Be Disbelieved?"
The funny side of this is that dog laying there as if he went through a narcissistic relationship
Perhaps a cat done Gus wrong?
Gus was 10 months when I got him as a rescue. I originally thought he had wiry hair but he was just dirty. He’s 10 now and incredibly loyal.
@@SurvivingNarcissism that's amazing 🥺❤
What can you do when you are too old and sick to leave? Health issues are stress related for sure. I know Jesus is there for us. God saved me once by sending an angel when I was out of it mentally, only thing on my mind was to kill my self. Would love to share the complete story somewhere. Also God sent me on a mission to help a beautiful young person. You never know when your circumstances were there for you to use for good with someone else. 🙏🏻. Still a tough road. Went no contact with sister-in-law 6 years ago, what a relief, miss the good times and my brother (he is a puppy dog that licks at everything thing she says).
My daughter is a narcissist. She just took my 2 grandson's 😢😢😢😢
I forgive the abuser but i don't trust them trust is earned i forgive you for my self so i can move forward with my life without you i can do good all by myself i have Jesus Christ in my life i am in the healing process now more looking back for me sign Cynthia Smith
🌻
I like animals more than people.
I think I’ve done pretty good on healing my psychological scars, but I had to remain no contact with the narcissist. When the narcissist would call or send a message, I found myself falling back into the same unhealthy patterns and it always ended up with me feeling bad about how I reacted and regret for making contact with that person. Since staying no contact, I focus on loving myself and I’ve started surrounding myself with healthier people.
I have an extremely difficult time letting go of the traumatic emotional violence. I'm still stunned that people that were supposed to love me treated me like that. Things I would never do to anybody , not even a dog.
I'm having the same problem - the same pain.
I have tried to imagine doing the things that they do and it's terrifying and disgusting. I can't grasp it.
It's the hardest thing. Impossible to UNDERSTAND how they can do these things
Same and still it hurts so much to see them move on happily and u r just shattered
Not even a dog!yes, I know what you’re talking about ❤
Lets drink this in everyone! ❤ Know that you were created for a better purpose!
So true!
Absolutely
Yes!!! 😊
We are being tested.
Emotional and psychological scars:
1. Sense of love/goodness has been drained
2. Responsible for minimizing other's agitations
3. You distrust calm moments
4. Lots of internal rules and regulations
(outward performance)
5. You carry raw bitterness and resentment
6. Defending yourself when it's not neccessary
7. You carry annoyance, intolerance toward differences
8. Asking unnecessary questions
9. Reluctant to reveal mistakes
10. You fall into self-sabotaging behaviours
11. Receiving shame and judgment that does not belong to you
12. Indulging extreme thoughts about being close with people
Affirmations to soothe your scars could be:
》"I am stronger than the Narc thinks."
》"My past does not define who I am."
》"My past pain will become a teacher."
》"I determine my values, standards and preferrences."
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
❤that is where I finally am thanks to doc Carter and youse guys
Thank you!! 💛🌻
Thank you for taking notes. 📓✍
@@wulv1013 💛
@@NopeNotTodaySatan You are very welcome 🙏💛🙏
This video has me yearning for a hug from someone that loves me. Speaking truth.
If I could I would.
I will wrap a beloved 'throw' (blanket with a love message or beautiful motif) around me for a while. Sometimes I wrap my arms around myself and hold myself, then maybe do it a different way. Sometimes I Just Dance for a few minutes in front of a mirror, however I want to move, just for the enjoyment of it.
🫂
I pray for your peace strength comfort and safety in the name of Jesus Christ can't no one love you like being in a relationship with Jesus Christ I have been through physical and mental abuse I am still learning to love my self I am still a work in progress I am middle age I had to forgive myself for being so gullible and forgive the abuser I realized it is ok to be my self sign Cynthia Smith
Virtual hug to you!!! You have a community here! There are people who absolutely do understand. One day you'll be hugging someone else who really needs it because if what you are going through now. That person is out there now waiting for someone to understand.
These damaged narcs cause major pain to work through. There are so many of them too. They aren't welcome here anymore.
6:21 Over explaining is a huge sign of having been repeatedly gaslit by someone in your past. It used to be a very bad habit for me because I used to think people wouldn’t understand or believe whatever I was saying unless I convinced them to.
When I finally realized that the only relationships where I consistently felt I had to explain and justify myself because I wasn't trustworthy was my family of origin. When I decided to stop explaining, I was labeled with comically inaccurate characteristics. They have a construct in their minds of who you are, but no interest in or appreciation of you as a 3D human individual, separate from their superficial and "lesser" image of you. Let them have it, because they're not interested in any kind of growth and they're certainly not going to accept it from you.
Yes! Agree!
can’t believe this. This is exactly what I do all the time. How do you stop it? I’m 70 something and I still do it. 6:21
Sadly, it doesn’t work that way. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I used to be lively and fun, but now I’m “dead” inside.
Been there. It takes time. Connecting with TH (Team Healthy) does help. Wishing you the best.
@@aaronkwolfe TH? Therapy?
@@ro7547 TH is Team Healthy.
@@ro7547I hope you find a good therapist to help along with Dr Carter.
@@ro7547 TH is Team Healthy
This is the first time one of your videos made me cry. I can relate to almost all of these but feel stuck now. I’m 61, gave up almost everything of MINE when I remarried, have made cigarettes my “companion” and really don’t have many dreams anymore. I’m lost.
Congratulations and thank you so much for your 1000th video! This was exactly what I needed to watch today 💗
You are so welcome!
Signs you have scars from abuse
1. Sense of love/goodness has been drained
2. Taking too much responsibility for others agitations.
3. Learned to distrust calm moments.
4. Lots of internal rules and regulations.
5. Carry resentments and bitterness.
6. Feel the need to justify and defend your actions when it’s unnecessary
7. Carry annoyances/intolerance to differences.
8. Asking unnecessary questions.
9. Reluctance to reveal mistakes.
10. Fall into self sabotaging behavior.
11. Taking on shame and judgement that doesn’t belong to you.
12. Indulging in extreme thoughts of closeness/distance with another person.
1. I’m stronger than the narc says.
2. My past doesn’t define who I am today.
3 My pain is my teacher. I’m going to learn from it.
4. Dignity, civility, and respect are choices we can make.
5. I get to determine my values, preferences and standards.
Great summary!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Information I plan to review and use. Thank you.
@@mariehughey5390 This info is great!! Thank you for sharing. Having a grateful heart has helped me alot!! As a cancer survivor who just had my 22nd surgery, when something goes wrong, I ask myself, what can I learn from this. I call them "speedbumps" in my journey. They may slow me down, but they will not stop me. I have a hard time with change. I'm learning, change is inevitable. 😊
Thank you for the summary. 🗒✍
Thank you for what you do, by helping people who have emotional psychological mental verbal & physical abuse I say physical because their actions cause high blood pressure, anxiety & other deadly diseases. Again, vThank you❤
Best wishes to you.
I've have written off a whole group of people. But I don't feel safe when I see them. I'm not trying to hurt anyone, but I can't let them get next to me.
@@icalotdonthide2646 My stomach turns when I'm around them . 😔
Same with me. It’s really difficult. Hugs to you ❤
You have the right to protect yourself. Good job!
I’m so tired of stuffing….
God Saved me from him and I Thank Him Everyday! 😊❤
Just a hug from Gus 🐾 🐶 would heal me! 🥰 ⭐ A dogs love is the Best unconditional
Gus thanks you!
@@annbolton5626 my dog is my best friend. We are always together and it really helps me with my mental health struggles.
I've recently gone NC with a narcissistic relative who was like a father figure to me. I'm just starting to see how toxic he is, and am starting to realize just how scarred I am. Thank you for helping me on my healing journey. Peace and strength to us all.
I recently took Dr C's Anger Games course. Great source of help! And I printed the written information and homework so I can review it from time to time. Thank you Dr C!
Great to get this feedback. Keep learning!
I have a question about something if someone could help me?
I was in a relationship with a Covert Narcissist. He did it all. However, in May he physically assaulted me (tackled me like I was a football player, also hit my head on the coffee table.
I think my body is still in shock from that day.
Everything hurts.. Everything. My brain, jaw, neck, heart, breasts, literally everything. Even my teeth from grinding/ Lost 25 pounds, my hair is falling out in clumps…
Is this a normal response to what I experienced?
That's major abuse, criminal,, and yes, it's normal for you to ache physically and emotionally. Please do not suppress it. Make sure a physician is helping, as well as therapy. If you were my family member I would plead with you to leave anyone capable of such brutality. Criminal charges could be filed. for domestic violence. Dr. C
I’m so sorry you went through that. So glad you are past tense w covert. 💐
@@SurvivingNarcissism - Thank you Dr. C for your response & support. I don’t have any medical insurance unfortunately. I’ve been doing my best to actually “feel” everything and then release it which for me is intense crying. Usually it’s in a pillow so I don’t frighten my family or neighbors. My first therapy appointment is July 18th. I don’t talk to anyone about this bc it’s that bad.
To be honest I’m really upset that my parents didn’t help me press charges. That man did a lot more than what I wrote above.
I do regret not going to the police. I can’t drive or else I would go in a heartbeat. I don’t want him to hurt (or worse) someone else. They drove hours to come get me the following day. Didn’t mention anything bc I was so dissociated but when they saw all the bruises on me & his fingerprints on my arms they panicked. I think they were afraid he was going to be there & do something crazy. I’m not allowed to talk about anything so I don’t upset anyone else which is messed up but it is what it is.
I’ve been a long time subscriber of yours. Thank you for all that you do. I mean that with all of my heart. If I wasn’t for you I would be in a mental hospital bc I would have internalized all the awful things he said. Bc of you I recognized many tactics that saved my sanity. The horrific things he did to me in other ways I’m still in shock about. Dark Tetrad type of behavior. He knew I had no where else to go. The worst past is he knew my ex husband was a malignant narcissistic sociopath. Spent 7 years after my divorce to somewhat heal from him.
He intentionally did many things my ex did, in addition to other things I never thought anyone could do. So messed up.
Already have CPTSD with dissociation so this has really messed me up. My heart is absolutely shattered. My soul hurts, but don’t miss or love him anymore. I did for the first 2 weeks which I thought that was so weird. So I wrote down all the things he said/did. Any time I began to miss him, I read it. All feelings are gone. I apologize about the long post. I’m incredibly thankful for you Dr. C.
🙏💛
@@agibby4848 - Thank you so much for the kind words. Makes me not feel so alone. ☀️🌻
Dear Doc C., today I looked at a photo of me from back in college. I'm about your age now. I said to that old photo, "I finally know what was wrong". That minute felt so good! I thank you so much💙💙💙
The first law of healing is the law of vitality. First, removing what injures, followed by the natural tendency to begin to heal if left alone. Don’t pick at a scab. Broken bones, once set properly, will heal stronger. The scar over a cut (however ugly) is tougher than the original surface, especially if the wound is kept clean.
Hi Dr Aaron, and what do you do with shattered bones or 3rd degree scalds???
@@roxymovie3938 A skilled professional is needed, of course, but the body is already trying to overcome damage: blistering over burns begins immediately, white blood cells invade the region, etc. Some/many scars never go away, but someone with skill can reduce long-term damage.
@@aaronkwolfe Do you know, why I am asking? - Because I have 3rd degree scalds and I was in a specialized hospital but my skin has not become thicker but thinner!!!
@@roxymovie3938 So sorry to hear about that, Roxy. As for wounds, I was actually thinking about cuts that scar afterward. I have a few of those, myself. And the body’s immediate action is to protect and begin healing.
@@roxymovie3938I'm sorry
Dr. Carter thank you for your video. I am going to save this video for my mother when she gets out of rehab. My mother recently had a adverse reaction to a BP med and ended up in the hospital on a ventilator. My mother has been married to my narcissistic father for 76 years. While she's been away from him for almost a month now, the light bulb finally went on. She told me she never wants to see him again. He is not happy to say the least. I have moved all her personal items out of their assisted living apartment, and moved them to a secured place for her to live. According to him, I'm an Ahole and rotten daughter. Oh well...too bad...so sad...so sorry! Peace on the horizon! My mother will love your video. Thanks again, Dr. Carter!!!
It's never too late to learn. You might do a search for my videos about trauma bonding. It would explain a lot. Best wishes to you and your mother.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you, Dr.Carter for your kind words, and how to advance regarding your video on trauma bonding.
You’re a good person to help your mother. I hope you never are involved with a narcissist and live a happy life ❤
@@aliceroberts1980 Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I appreciate it. Actually, I was married to a narcissist for 25 years. After that... I made a quick exit. I have stuck by my mom because she is a lovely person and hasn't deserved the cruelty that she's endured. She was afraid of him. She had good reason to be. She is safe now, but she's been traumatized. I'm hoping with the help from Memory Care we can get her back to her sweet self. Thanks again for your encouragement. Take care! 💝
There is a fox sleeping outside my windows just like Gus.
If Gus was there, he’d gladly take care of security detail.
Thank you Dr. C..... I soooo very much respect and appreciate you... your work has changed my life... again... Thank you!
Thanks I so need this. I now have panic attacks.. Never had them before. Until very angry at my abuser.. Now that I am set free. Have these wierd panic and anxiety.... So very sad. They truly do know how to abuse your mind.
Blessings for this insightful and empowering message.. !!
My healthy scars are my radar..😉
Unfortunately, I have new wounds that are being created at the moment. I can only use past healing experiences to reduce the impact like a damage limitation!!! As always, I look forward to the video.
May you be safe 🙏❤🧡💙
@yukio_saito Thank-you. I got over my divorce but didn't expect it from my son. It's a different situation and needs to be handled appropriately. Sorry to be vague but I have people looking out for me and the support from the Team Healthy is amazing and is giving me strength 💪
Amanda, very sorry to hear that you get retraumatized!!! I really hope your son will move out again with his girl-friend, the sooner, the better. 🏃♀️🏃🏠 I am thinking of you and praying for you 🙏💛🙏 Big hugs ❤🫂
@Teacher369 Thank-you Karen 🙏 I hope you are well❤️
@roxymovie3938 And the dog. Thanks Roxy. I appreciate everyone's support. Take care 🙏❤️
Trusting at face value (no evoking)
Being heard and believed (no excuses)
We should constantly pause and give credit to those who have keen narc radar and who altruistically stand up for those whom they silently understand as having been wounded.
*calm pain wishes and being heard dreams*
had visiting fam last week try forcing contact with Nsis. i tried to explain what they dont know about, also reaching out for help. they made excuses, dismissed me, stayed at Nsis house. im the problem or scapegoat, cornered, isolated in the country with Ndad. kinda missing my tent in the woods back when i had strength to try surviving disabilities without their annoyed highly controlling “help”
@@ljjae1648 I feel your pain from this recent experience. You have the knowledge of what you are dealing with. They will never have any remote clue. Hang in there. Sorry.
They are criminals . That is what the behavior is . They should some how be accepting always . All of them . They just get away with it because of
No accountability . That is
not Justice . They do alot of harm that cannot be removed or reversed . They
are able to ruin a person's LIFE . They need to be held accountable . Laws
I hope will change the way victims are left having to deal with all their lie's, abuse . All the different ways they abuse . They LIE. about ANYTHING.
They never care . I hope something changes for better care of the victims .
♥️😇
In some countries bullying is illegal. Why is it acceptable in the US?
I don’t want to be resentful or have bitterness. I just don’t want to see him ever again after the divorce.
Never let yourself be in a dependent situation if you can.
''No Man is an island- he's a peninsula"
We went through the same thing. It’s hard for sure. Make your friends your family and keep busy. When the siblings and family come to mind try to push them away. If they cared for you they would say sorry or let’s try to work things out. So if they don’t that means they don’t want you and you have no choice but to accept it. It’s them, NOT you. They are miserable unhappy people.
My nex wasn't "all that", and I did have a certain amount of pity for him in the beginning. I felt he just needed someone to really care for him, so I did. But, it backfired on me. To think he thought he could disrespect me, make demands, make up lies about me, shout, yell, and push me around, etc., still makes me angry. I gave my all and he was really just a big jerk. I'm still licking my wounds, and no longer trust my judgment.
It takes time to lick wounds ❤️🙏🌸
@@amandaliverpool3374 Love you Amanda. I hope you're doing well.
@Hatbox948 Ah. What a lovely thing to say. I love you too. I'm muddling though. thanks 😊
@@amandaliverpool3374 Hang in there!
Their behaviour is so insidious… Don't blame yourself. I am 47 years in and only recently found out about this behaviour that has gotten so much worse with age. No one told me… Not even the psychologist that was supposed to be "helping" years ago.
Thanks doc❤🎉🙏🌈💫
I have found your voice and presence and words very soothing . I have realized I have come through all this with consequences yes. However I realize I am also wiser for it and have always been more powerful and resilient than I ever gave myself credit for. I believe and am witnessing my life enhance and improve and expect it to continue and be wonderful. I am working on being ready for another intimate relationship in my own time- perfect timing for me.
I really look forward to experiencing a truly loving, safe, secure, fun and enriching relationship with a true love.
Love to you and your listeners❤☔️🎡
Yep, I definitely didn't trust good times or calm times and had difficulty trusting good people for a long time! And I used to get angry so easy! I experienced most of the things mentioned here. But after everything I went through, the best things that happened out of all of it, is my independence and resilience, am truly grateful for that!
The scar of mistrust I was left with later cost me BIG TIME - when I prematurely dumped the love of my life for no real reason.
I'm so sorry 😞
The moral of the story is.... Success is the best revenge❤ Don't be moved by their drama and insecurities!
Always Focus on yourself ! As long as you focus on yourself, you don’t have time for those nonsense !
Well, I also realize that I cannot rush these stages. If I’m still mad about a recent bout of abuse, I can’t rush to the next phase of inner peace. I have to let myself feel the feelings first in order to move through them.
Scars heal over time, they may cut deep then they turn raised, purple and bumpy but over time they level out flatten and are barely noticed. Peace all and thanks Dr. C
10:30 With all the love and respect towards you mr. Carter, but directions suggested in "Where am I gonna go from this day forward" are not the answer, are not enough. One can ask, "So what is the answer?". Honestly? I have no idea. World is just more cruel, than we allow ourselves to think.
I don’t know about the concept of healing. I suspect it’s a myth that generates a lot of revenue for those who benefit.
I don’t think one ever heals, but I do believe that one can build a lot of resiliency to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune ( Shakespeare).
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, & 10ish(when the depression hit) are my scars. Healing these scars and seeing a noticeable difference in myself can only have happened having gone no contact. Number 3 is my biggest obstacle and has been for so long. Like when you’re 10 yrs old and do something you’re proud of and your N father slaps you in the face and tells you what you did was all wrong. I’m finally seeing glimpses of trusting the calm and I’m like “oh that’s what that feels like”. Moving forward and having learned to recognize all this thanks to videos such as this. Thank you Dr. Carter.
Great video.
Awesome Gus.
thing is i can be invalidated by the whole world,but when the one i most care for/or less expect from because of how highly i think of them do it,these people have the power of killing me inside
Thank you so much for your validation, invaluable help and support dr Carter ❤ God bless you ❤
You are so welcome
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you 🙏 so much
Thank you 😊: again: thank you 😊
Such awesome video AGAIN.
I’m just so glad I know Jesus he is such a help so so much.
I don’t know what I would do without Jesus, because he is the best to run to for sure.
He certainly is always there and never abandoned and is an awesome mighty God and healer.
Thank you and God bless you.
From JANESVILLE, WI
Dr. Carter, I think you saved my life by joltting me out of denial. Today is my 30th anniversary to a covert narc who I am divorcing. After the insights you've given I can't unsee the abuse. I have to get through today and move forward. I can't thank you enough.
So glad the videos have resonated. I wish you the best as you move into the next phase of your life.
Your title says it all in 3 words-dignity,respect,civility
You are spot on! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and for your message of Peace. I´ve replayed your video several times, it´s so good, so instructive!
Thank you for sharing. All of this is truth. It sucks to go through this. I find this very difficult to navigate.
Over the years of bumping up against many different narcissists…all 12. At 73 I have become!!!!! What a past!
I was in a narcissistic relationship with my ex-husband that ended in divorce in 1989. In 2010 I started dating my current husband (not a narcissist). He had a dog who he disciplined by shouting, “SIT DOWN”!!! And I immediately sat down!! It was embarrassing but showed me that scars were still there.
I'm angry at every narc that I detect. I rage at them when given a chance. Still working on how to have my own peace.
Great advice and counsel, as always. Thank you.
I have listened to this session several times. For me IT IS BANG ON. I realise I can be triggered and my pain can resurface. The words that jump out at me are ‘they make it all about you’. Wow that is so powerful.I am slowly processing what you are saying, because it is very deep and powerful. My bottom line is I can’t understand ‘their ‘ logic.and there lies the problem.I don’t understand how a narcissist thinks, and it is doing my head in trying to understand. My narc has lost 7 jobs through shouting,he has no friends, and it clearly is upsetting him that I am not bothered by our fall out. I am getting on with my life. He is now trying to muscle in on some of my friends. They don’t want him, not because they are MY friends but because they don’t want him.!. And then he will say…’well I gave them some apricots and invited them for drink, but they didn’t come’. So it becomes all about THEM. He simply can’t see that after 5 years he still has no friends. You can see why trying to find logic when there is no logic is doing my head in. Thank god for your sessions. Judy from uk
Thank you for sharing. I've been out of the relationship for a couple months now. I have bad days and good days. Your videos have helped me to understand what was happening to me. I truly appreciate it sir.
It all sounds very familiar.......
I went through an extreme discard by my covert narc ex girlfriend. She hoovered me back when the traumabond was still strong and hurt me again but before she could discard me a second time I pulled the breaks and went full no contact. It was hard the first year, was better the second year, now I am pretty much over it but I just realised that I am not able to form any form of romantic bond anymore. I feel damaged. Women flirt and hit on me left and right but I just cant feel anything and brush them all off. I went through therapy but it didnt change. Im alone most of the time. It was lonely at first. Now it is more peaceful but still lonely. I am a bit worried as I feel like I am disabled. I feel a form of emptyness. I wonder if this will go away or stay like this forever. I cant believe she was able to damage me that way.
It's shocking how damaging narcissists can be!
However, I do believe you will get to the point when you can love again. But it may take another couple of years. People say 'time heals all wounds" but remember, if the wounds are deep ones, it could take five or so years for a full recovery.
Dr Les, you are describing Loss of Consortium. The inability to engage in an intimate relationship again. Just like you & your dog. If you survive the premeditated attempted murder, you stick with a pet as companion. Narcissists that are dark tetrad weave an evil & corroding thread throughout their victims' lives no one can fully recover from. They do not have ability to love, therefore are not human.
Just begun to realize how scarred I am and how much was stolen of life I should have had 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
This is an excellent video.
I can identify with most of the signs.
The damage is deep and long lasting and not just psychological
The cancer I suffered from after being discarded was also the result of my life with a narcissist.
Then, God rescued me.
I have a wonderful life.
Her’s has been painful, and lonely.
I regret staying with her, but took my oath very seriously.
If married to a narcissist, get out now. Do not delay. Your health is at great risk.
Thanks Doctor. Thanks God.
My anxiety is alawys to the teeth for some reason it took over me out of nowhere. I used to be so mentally resilient and confident now i cant evean carry a conversation with people without having a anxiety attack.
Another great video Dr. C!
I have been living away from my narc for a few years now and it still surprises me that I get to determine my own preferences. To that, sometimes it is difficult to make decisions for fear I will not make the right one. No one is here to yell at me anymore, but that scar is there (slowly healing), and am still getting to know what is right for me.
#6 - Justify/defend myself, why it's okay to be me. Working on it, but the narc's opinions still sometimes get in the way or influence a decision.
#8 - Unnecessary questions - I don't ask, I read body language/expressions. I think about how my narc would respond/talk to me, how awful it was and how it would ruin my day. I am working on my confidence and have made it a practice when talking with others, to consciously make the decision to take the high road, be patient, and be kind. Those positive interactions give me hope.
#11 - Judgement/shame/doomed before I show up - still working on this one! Ties into why it is okay to be me. Why does what I want to do matter? It is because it is for me, my interests, my soul. I say those words and sometimes I hear the words but do not feel it. Working on it. I am an empath. I have to learn to be an empath for myself and my goals.
Please Dr C, I need help. I have all the characteristics you mentioned but number 9 (I'm the only one who always admits her errors).
I need help please.
I'm over most of these after leaving ex 12 years ago. I still have nightmares, trust issues, and do not want to get clioe to anyone. But I'm finally happy 🤗
I would add: Walking on eggshells when the narc is near.
The thoughts you end off with, exactly. :) And I've come out of this with a much better understanding of just what was going on with that narc. I didn't recognize her as a narc until watching these videos. I always thought there was a lot wrong with her, but attributed it to her being incredibly insecure and childish because of her special needs.
Thanks Dr Les. I love your podcasts as they always resonate and make me feel sane again.
One thing that keeps occurring to me and it did again this time, is that living with a narcissist over a long period of time slowly changes a persons normal/rational thought patterns and behaviours into the dysfunctional ones of the narcissist ie. You slowly morph into being like them. I recognise virtually all of those scars in my ex-partner. But he had no recognition or acceptance of them or understanding that none of it was normal. And ofc, i could never discuss them. It makes me think they must be deeply unhappy or anxiety driven people a lot of the time unless they get constant approval, attention and praise.
I'm over most of these after leaving ex 12 years ago. I still have nightmares and trust issues, but I'm still trying 🤗🤗
Thanks, Dr. C! Always a good timing and very informative message. Thank you for all you do, you are so appreciated! ❤