That negotiation thing sounds like a great way to encourage communication! You're allowing the child to express their needs, while still being in authority of them!
I just don’t agree with some of this. I think, especially for foster kids, rules should be kept minimal and easy to follow, especially at first. You have to imagine how these kids feel having their entire lives uprooted and then you throw a literal rule book at them. Be respectful, be kind, sure. The rest is over the top in my opinion and would be very overwhelming. We keep our rules very simple and easy to follow unless we need to address something specific with a specific child.
As someone whose been in foster care, I found it hard enough been shoved into a family and I think the rules may come off a bit intense. Also with the homework thing, in the UK we are sometimes given some that would take a few days. Would that be something you'd consider? I feel like technology is something that is hard to go without these days because even in work in the break room people put their headphones in and when you wanna talk it's really awkward haha
Yes of course We take into account due dates of the homework so if it’s not due the next day we don’t necessarily have to do it that night. In the US though it is common for teachers to assign homework that they expect to be turned in the next day. Children are also assigned projects throughout the year that they are given several weeks to accomplish. But much of their homework is to be done every night and turned in the next day :)
@@fromthefosters What if your foster daughter asks for her devices before homework or during homework because she needs it to idk maybe do like research or something for a project.Would you give it to her if she tells you it’s for her homework or project?
@@TheyLuvBray427 for sure! I know a ton of kids (especially middle school and older) now a days require internet and devices for homework and projects. So absolutely. But I’d also be checking in and monitoring to ensure they actually doing their work and not just playing video games or chatting with friends… until after their work is done 😜
@@fromthefosters OFC lol I know at least I’m in 5th grade for 1/2 a day as of tmrw but I know I’ve had to use a ton of internet this year for projects lol
I wasn’t allowed to date, have anything to do with boys, or have social media while I was growing up. My parents probably meant well, but it only hurt me in the long run. I wasn’t a bad kid in the slightest, but the rules always made me feel like I was bad and couldn’t be trusted. I also thought about how I might as well be actually bad if I was going to be treated as untrustworthy anyways. You know where bad things happened to me? At school. The place where I was supposed to be “safe”. I never felt like I could go to my parents about the things that happened to me, because I felt like I would only be in even more trouble. I have not and I will not treat my kids like that. I encourage them to come to us when they have any problems. We talk about EVERYTHING. The dating and the social media rules just create sneaky children. They’re going to do whatever they want to when they’re outside of your home. I feel that social media accounts are their personal space. It makes me really uncomfortable that you’d take the passwords and such. It doesn’t have to be bad at all to not be something that they feel comfortable sharing with you.
I’m also talking about foster children here. Rules are different. This children are at much higher risk of being victimized online. In my county it’s pretty much required that if these kids are going to have social media accounts, they need to be monitored for safety. I have had foster children who’s biological family members were trying to talk to them in private messages on social media when there were court orders in place (for good reason) that those family members were not allowed to have contact with the kid. We are always very open and honest with the kids about why we have the rules that we have.
If it makes you uncomfortable… maybe don’t be a foster parent. We have to parent differently than biological parents do. It’s part the job and there are reasons for it. I never said these need to be rules for everyone. However this is what works for us AND keeps our kids safe from further victimization.
this was great! i have a bit of advice tho (you obviously don’t have to take it, just a suggestion!) for the dating and social media rules, i believe that they will not stop the kids from doing what they want, it will only make them sneaky. which can lead to problems with safety if there isn’t open communication and they are hiding things from you. my suggestion would be to let them have a bit more freedom, but emphasize talking and working out problems together. i knew so many people that weren’t allowed to date but did anyways, and they lied about who they were with and where they were.
your note on social media is genuinely terrifying. please do not invade your children's privacy like that, and especially don't have it written out as a rule. it reinforces the idea they are not allowed their own space, thoughts, connections, etc, and leaves room for abusive relationships. you are just making it so they have to hide things from you and will not feel safe to come to you if it backfires. same goes for forbidding kids from dating. it is not realistic and it just makes it so they can't come to you if they end up in unsafe situations. please encourage open communication rather than forcing it and give them the tools to understand what is and isn't safe for them on their own terms.
I understand how the hard rules may be jarring but their foster daughter is only 12, they are just putting in some boundaries to keep her safe. She said herself that she is not interested in reading their diary or messages with friends, just making sure that there is not dangerous activity happening
Yeah no. I’m talking about foster children here. It’s pretty much a requirement in my county that if you have a foster child with social media, that you have to watch it. It’s quite common (and has happened to a child in my care) where biological family members (who have court orders *for good reason* to have NO contact with the children) will try to reach out to the kids on private messages on social media. These kids have been victimized enough and it’s our jobs to help keep them safe. We are always open and honest about why we have the rules that we have and why social services has the rules for us and the kids that they have. And if these things and conversations make you uncomfortable, then just don’t foster. Because this stuff comes up All the time. And yeah it’s uncomfortable. But it’s a reality for these kids and we need to be here to help protect them.
I like your rules. You really went through a lot to put that rule book together. I like your rules very reasonable. I think your cool parents can I live in your house.
Just an idea, maybe you could make a more basic rule book version with only pictures and maybe a few simple words you can read out to the younger children (eg "Mama is here to help" or "kind hands to the cats"). That way they still have some reference, even if they can't read the full thing yet.
I love the heart and careful thought that has clearly gone into this. So many logical points and rules designed to protect foster kids safety. I'd love to know more about how these rules are enforced, and how strict you are. As a parent, I just worry about kids ability to absorb and adapt to all these rules when they may have previously had none. The binder is an organised and central place for all this information, but it comes across as a bit of information overload, and was overwhelming for me as an adult to take in. I know as a teen or pre-teen that I'd struggle to want to read pages of essay-like information and rules, let alone to then follow it. I know my comment probably comes off a bit contradictory, and I mean no disrespect, as it's clear you're passionate and organised. I'm just trying to promote healthy (respectful!) discussion around the topic.
How can I get a copy of this? Brilliant idea as it sets everything out at the start and saves so much time as they don’t need to tip toe and learn the rules by chance x
I've seen some former foster children tell stories of foster parents that used them as slave labor and would expect them to take on way too many chores, and in some cases did not make their bio kids work but the foster kids had no choice. How do you approach chores with placements as more of a responsibility and character building activity rather than "forced labor"?
This is AMAZING. And I'm just curious how it evolved... For your first couple of placements, did you find yourselves trying to just state the rules verbally to the kids, and then realized that there was something powerful about having them in writing? or was this recommended to you by experts in fostering? I'd love to hear the back-story of how the binder came to be! you guys rock
Never mind! I found your other video "How we introduce our House Rules" and you explain it all super well.... different ages of kids work differently, etc. ua-cam.com/video/EroZR38xZbk/v-deo.html
Yes exactly! We had only kids 5 and under prior to our current 12 year old! So we just discussed them in age appropriate ways. But with the 12 year old, we thought putting it in writing might be helpful ❤️❤️❤️
Wow, it seems like a lot of rules and a lot of words…if it were me I’d keep it simple. Seems really intense and high strung. “We have had a lot of kids come through our house” seems like a really harsh thing to say to a child in this position. In my experience, any time an adult has to say “because I’m an adult” as the reason for something, it’s because they either can’t or don’t want to answer the question properly. It doesn’t explain the meaning behind the rules is to protect them, not to ensure you’re the biggest boss.
I think house rules are so necessary. It sets boundaries and standards right from the start, they know where they stand. Of course children will buck against them or push the limits at times, this is so normal and part of growing up. It makes for some really interesting debates at times. I must admit I found the hardest area to deal with involves electronic devices and social media. It just wasn't an issue back when I started fostering but I had to learn mighty quick. Dating tends to start much later in rural areas of Ireland I am relieved to say. The main reason being we have to transport children everywhere, public transport is not available and the driving age here is 17 and costs a lot of money and time to learn.
Hi, these were super great rules. I do have a question though. When a new kids come into your home, do you sit everyone down and go over the rules together (to kind of remind current kids while also teaching new kids), or do you sit down one on one with the new kid and go over the rules?
While I understand as an adult why you have this, I can tell you as a foster child I really felt very very very very very angry that every single adult in my life was only trying to control every thing I did. I sat thru a lot of rules lectures and various rules documents, and this does seem a little more sugar coated, but still would have been quite aggravating. I felt so jealous of friends who had normal lives that weren't being entirely controlled by others who felt you were stupid and untrustworthy. I would have told you to f off and not done any of this. I feel like rules only work with kids if they know parents care about them and a lot of foster families I felt they were trying to control me and minimize how much of a burden I was to them by implementing crazy rules. And I had one foster family impose a 7:30 pm bedtime when I was 14 because they wanted "adult time" in the evenings. .
What about expectations foster kids can have about foster parents? While trust needs to be built, perhaps it may get be helpful to state very clearly how the foster parents are responsible for supporting children and the fp’s commitment to the foster children, especially when some may be reluctant to ask for what they need.
Hi! My wife and I and found your videos. This “rules”video was so very helpful! We are in the process of fostering to adopt. Is there anyway you would share your rule book with us??? We appreciate your videos tremendously!!!!
I love the crazy middles, but I also was searching for foster parents in North Carolina and found you! Just something to connect to. I was actually apart of the first 20 that was subscribed to the crazy middles. I turn 21 9/11 any tips?! I’m so excited!
Oh yay! Congrats on turning 21! That’s huge! Yes… always remember your why. When things get overwhelming, remember why you are doing this. Take care of yourself, if you need help ASK. And keep things centered on the child. Do things that are in their best interest. And yes… GET ATTACHED. The kids need strong safe adult attachments. Oh and learn as much as you can about how trauma affects a child’s brain. It will help explain why they have the behaviors they have
asking a child to give any adult full control over any of their accounts with all passwords subject to random checks is not only profoundly invasive but incredibly disrespectful to the child. Total abuse of authority and the easiest way to guarantee that your child will never fully trust you.
@@malayaanderson8222 Like it or not, you are invading the privacy of every child in your care and giving them the world's easiest excuse not to trust you. Back in the day, parents like you would go through a kid's room reading their diary for their "safety." Now you just use an app to do your spying for you, and then you brag about it. You think you're protecting kids, but you're just acting as another arm of inescapable surveillance and control.
I love this binder!! Do you have a way of sharing a version of the binder that excludes your personal information! I’d love a copy of it! You could sell it!! I think each and every rule is just perfect!
I'm curious as a foster parent you cant post pictures of the children for their safety but they are allowed to have their own accounts and post pictures? Doesnt that present the same, if not more risks?
Yes. I had a foster child who had social media and she did post photos of herself. However her social media was watched by me and her social worker. She posted photos of herself but never of her foster family, never posted a location, never posted really anything other than selfies. So it was harmless. She was only 12 though. Not sure if a child was older like 16 and posting more info than that.
As a teenager myself, I understand wanting to have passwords to a child's social media account to make sure they are safe, however, that is a breach of privacy, especially if they are messaging their friends.
Not if they are involved in dangerous activity, no one cares if a child has a crush on someone but they do care if that child is planning to run away etc
@@marshmallow7640 yes a lot of people wouldn’t care but if you come from a home where dating was a problem or nothing being good enough and everything being wrong it becomes scary
As she stated, she doesn't snoop through their socials, invading every little private thing. Im pretty sure its just a 10-15 minute skimming, just to make sure they're safe. She's doing it because what if the kids family tries reaching to them and the family isn't supposed to? But the kid doesn't say?
Question as a type 1 diabetic teen I'm slightly wondering how you would deal with a child like me or with any other condition's as I know for some poeple it can be hard to do All the stuff I've got used to over years and years
I haven’t had a diabetic child. But I have had children with various medical needs. I just learn what their specific medications/apts/diets/therapies are, and we adapt to make It work ❤️
I was just thinking that with littles who can't read, it might be helpful to give them their own "book," but with simple visuals. Like the rules about cats, it may be helpful to have to have a picture of a cat, along with a few visuals of what not to do (like an X on "kicking"). To supplement that, maybe have a few visuals of what they CAN do, (use gentle hands, kind words, etc). Just a thought. :)
@@fromthefosters You're welcome! I work with preschoolers, and so we use visuals all the time. It's very effective, particularly if they don't have the words yet, or are non-verbal. Plus, reading and talking about their "book" with them can be a great bonding experience.
Not fostered/adopted or anything, but good lord do I wish my parents had had something like this. I was always told no makeup until age 14 when I was finally told I could at age 16. I was told I couldn't wear a two-piece bathing suit because it was too easy to take off, and then never told when I'd be allowed to. And I always assumed I was never allowed to date until I randomly learned it was fine. This would have saved me so much grief.
I think you really have to check the rules in your jurisdiction. Where I am we just can’t do anything physically like spanking, but you can take phones for punishment.
how does social media work in fos ter care? i know that you are not allowed to post info about them are they allowed to post things about themselves? awesome video tho i kinda want to make one just to have for my munchkins so they have a clear cut understanding of our expectations!
It depends. Unfortunately in Colorado the Court may order individuals who are subjected to foster care or guardianship not to be on any social media for their own safety and others. This includes children and adults with intellectual developmental disabilities. I know in Colorado adults with intellectual developmental disabilities are subject to foster care adoption or guardianship.
What Alfonso said! It really depends. But overall we usually can’t share their face, real name, or other identifying information about them on social media!
No, they don’t need to sign a contract. Obviously children are humans too and make mistakes which is fine. The important thing to remember is that children in foster care/ children who have experienced a lot of turmoil- require strong structure and boundaries in order to really thrive. They need predictability which is why having the rules written out helps as well. I’m not saying my rules are for everyone… but these work for us and the kids we’ve had come through
Starting my comment from as I watch. I had 4 children of my own. We didn’t have that many rules. Just a few. Basically respect God, adults, and yourself. Do not destroy property and communicate. Also Gods got 10 that cover everything. These would have never worked w my special needs son. His iq was not up to this level. Please think about that population. Overall this is amazing training for employment and life. It was done with so much love.I think this is more of a course for parenting than rules
For sure we have to adjust the rules for different kids! One of our sons has special needs as well. These rules worked well for one of the older kids we had fostered but our adopted sons are 4 and 6 and one has special needs. So we definitely adjust them as needed for the kids that are in our care at any given time. These are just kind of a baseline/guideline ❤️
Could it be possible for you to create a shareable Google docs with these rules for you to share? Also I’ve tried to look for that crazy middles video and I haven’t found it, could you link it?
I like the rule book... but what's the punishment for breaking them? I'm curious about your discipline methods. What's appropriate discipline for a foster child? Is disciplining a foster child more difficult than a biological child?
Ah yes! I don’t talk much about discipline because it’s such a challenging topic. My kids are all younger still, so it’s a lot of “time ins”. We don’t send them away to “time out” but rather have them sit with us. We have lots of conversations about appropriate vs inappropriate behaviors. If they do something like throw a toy or hit someone with a toy, we take just that toy away for a few hours (but still let them have others). My kids have issues with emotional regulation… so a lot of it is just trying to teach them regulating behaviors like deep breathing or punching a pillow instead of another person etc
what are the rules for someone who is blind or visually impaired? What would happened if an individual has a disability that affects their ability to follow the rules. I know in New Mexico there is no consequences for individuals with disabilities for breaking the rules. However I'm no longer in New Mexico. I'm in Colorado
Great question! We do have kids with disabilities. We have not had kids who were blind or deaf etc. but we always adapt our home and rules to the children in our care and what their needs dictate! ❤️
Did you miss the part where she said it’s a binder so that they can easily take rules in and out? It’s individualized depending on the child(den) in the home.
Hmm 🤔 I see no issue with the social media rules. And y’all wonder why y’all kids are buck wildin. Most of these parents today that give their children cell phones don’t even monitor them. My friend’s little sister used to go to sleep watching p*rn at age 6. Children are exposed to many strangers on social media. So if you want your kids to freely go to strangers homes then that’s on you. The cell phones are almost like a babysitter for these children and it’s sad. With the right parameters and safety software, most potential problems are eliminated. the Internet is the wild Wild West. And I know of someone whose child began self harming because of an online relationship that didn’t go well- the kid is in middle school. Had she not been ‘invasive’ she may have never known. And even though this happened good thing that she caught on to her child in time, better late than too late. Everybody’s household is different so don’t you dare come on here feeling offended. You guys are being defensive for all the wrong reasons. She’s being more lenient than I would be that’s for sure. And believe it or not some kids adhere to the rules, just because yours won’t, doesn’t mean that hers will act the same. They have their whole lives to date and have social media that’s why there’s age limits. Quit trying to be your child’s friend and be their dog on parent.
While it is great to be involved, I do not agree with foster parent's forcing the children to hand over password or friend the parent's on social media. If you want to be involved, havi ng randon access to their device should be sufficient. With that being said, we have all been teenagers at one time and we all go through things especially during puberty. Also, most fostered children have experienced some form of trauma and trust issue's. While I appreciate your journey in fostering I feel not only is this an invasion of privacy it's also gives a boring school vibe and will prevent the child from letting their guards down.
I monitor my foster kids phones🤷♀️I get privacy to a extent, but it’s a parent’s responsibility to check what their kids are doing. Anyone in my home under 18 will have a monitoring app until they leave to a different placement.
The social media part is interesting. So you can’t post the foster kid’s faces as the parent but are the kids allowed to post pics of themselves on their own social media?
This is my favorite video of yours so far, I'm becoming a foster/adoption parent soon. Can I get a pdf or copy of that book purchace/donation?. I find it very useful. but I'm not that creative
That negotiation thing sounds like a great way to encourage communication! You're allowing the child to express their needs, while still being in authority of them!
I just don’t agree with some of this. I think, especially for foster kids, rules should be kept minimal and easy to follow, especially at first. You have to imagine how these kids feel having their entire lives uprooted and then you throw a literal rule book at them. Be respectful, be kind, sure. The rest is over the top in my opinion and would be very overwhelming. We keep our rules very simple and easy to follow unless we need to address something specific with a specific child.
As someone whose been in foster care, I found it hard enough been shoved into a family and I think the rules may come off a bit intense. Also with the homework thing, in the UK we are sometimes given some that would take a few days. Would that be something you'd consider? I feel like technology is something that is hard to go without these days because even in work in the break room people put their headphones in and when you wanna talk it's really awkward haha
Yes of course We take into account due dates of the homework so if it’s not due the next day we don’t necessarily have to do it that night. In the US though it is common for teachers to assign homework that they expect to be turned in the next day. Children are also assigned projects throughout the year that they are given several weeks to accomplish. But much of their homework is to be done every night and turned in the next day :)
@@fromthefosters What if your foster daughter asks for her devices before homework or during homework because she needs it to idk maybe do like research or something for a project.Would you give it to her if she tells you it’s for her homework or project?
@@TheyLuvBray427 for sure! I know a ton of kids (especially middle school and older) now a days require internet and devices for homework and projects. So absolutely. But I’d also be checking in and monitoring to ensure they actually doing their work and not just playing video games or chatting with friends… until after their work is done 😜
@@fromthefosters OFC lol
I know at least I’m in 5th grade for 1/2 a day as of tmrw but I know I’ve had to use a ton of internet this year for projects lol
@@fromthefosters Thanks for responding tho this video was 4 months ago lol
Question:Do you still have your foster daughter?
I wasn’t allowed to date, have anything to do with boys, or have social media while I was growing up. My parents probably meant well, but it only hurt me in the long run. I wasn’t a bad kid in the slightest, but the rules always made me feel like I was bad and couldn’t be trusted. I also thought about how I might as well be actually bad if I was going to be treated as untrustworthy anyways. You know where bad things happened to me? At school. The place where I was supposed to be “safe”. I never felt like I could go to my parents about the things that happened to me, because I felt like I would only be in even more trouble. I have not and I will not treat my kids like that. I encourage them to come to us when they have any problems. We talk about EVERYTHING. The dating and the social media rules just create sneaky children. They’re going to do whatever they want to when they’re outside of your home. I feel that social media accounts are their personal space. It makes me really uncomfortable that you’d take the passwords and such. It doesn’t have to be bad at all to not be something that they feel comfortable sharing with you.
I’m also talking about foster children here. Rules are different. This children are at much higher risk of being victimized online. In my county it’s pretty much required that if these kids are going to have social media accounts, they need to be monitored for safety. I have had foster children who’s biological family members were trying to talk to them in private messages on social media when there were court orders in place (for good reason) that those family members were not allowed to have contact with the kid. We are always very open and honest with the kids about why we have the rules that we have.
If it makes you uncomfortable… maybe don’t be a foster parent. We have to parent differently than biological parents do. It’s part the job and there are reasons for it. I never said these need to be rules for everyone. However this is what works for us AND keeps our kids safe from further victimization.
this was great! i have a bit of advice tho (you obviously don’t have to take it, just a suggestion!)
for the dating and social media rules, i believe that they will not stop the kids from doing what they want, it will only make them sneaky. which can lead to problems with safety if there isn’t open communication and they are hiding things from you. my suggestion would be to let them have a bit more freedom, but emphasize talking and working out problems together.
i knew so many people that weren’t allowed to date but did anyways, and they lied about who they were with and where they were.
your note on social media is genuinely terrifying. please do not invade your children's privacy like that, and especially don't have it written out as a rule. it reinforces the idea they are not allowed their own space, thoughts, connections, etc, and leaves room for abusive relationships. you are just making it so they have to hide things from you and will not feel safe to come to you if it backfires. same goes for forbidding kids from dating. it is not realistic and it just makes it so they can't come to you if they end up in unsafe situations.
please encourage open communication rather than forcing it and give them the tools to understand what is and isn't safe for them on their own terms.
I understand how the hard rules may be jarring but their foster daughter is only 12, they are just putting in some boundaries to keep her safe. She said herself that she is not interested in reading their diary or messages with friends, just making sure that there is not dangerous activity happening
I absolutely agree with your comment. That made me very uncomfortable.
Yeah no. I’m talking about foster children here. It’s pretty much a requirement in my county that if you have a foster child with social media, that you have to watch it. It’s quite common (and has happened to a child in my care) where biological family members (who have court orders *for good reason* to have NO contact with the children) will try to reach out to the kids on private messages on social media. These kids have been victimized enough and it’s our jobs to help keep them safe. We are always open and honest about why we have the rules that we have and why social services has the rules for us and the kids that they have. And if these things and conversations make you uncomfortable, then just don’t foster. Because this stuff comes up
All the time. And yeah it’s uncomfortable. But it’s a reality for these kids and we need to be here to help protect them.
I like your rules. You really went through a lot to put that rule book together. I like your rules very reasonable. I think your cool parents can I live in your house.
Just an idea, maybe you could make a more basic rule book version with only pictures and maybe a few simple words you can read out to the younger children (eg "Mama is here to help" or "kind hands to the cats"). That way they still have some reference, even if they can't read the full thing yet.
I love the heart and careful thought that has clearly gone into this. So many logical points and rules designed to protect foster kids safety. I'd love to know more about how these rules are enforced, and how strict you are. As a parent, I just worry about kids ability to absorb and adapt to all these rules when they may have previously had none. The binder is an organised and central place for all this information, but it comes across as a bit of information overload, and was overwhelming for me as an adult to take in. I know as a teen or pre-teen that I'd struggle to want to read pages of essay-like information and rules, let alone to then follow it.
I know my comment probably comes off a bit contradictory, and I mean no disrespect, as it's clear you're passionate and organised. I'm just trying to promote healthy (respectful!) discussion around the topic.
How can I get a copy of this? Brilliant idea as it sets everything out at the start and saves so much time as they don’t need to tip toe and learn the rules by chance x
I've seen some former foster children tell stories of foster parents that used them as slave labor and would expect them to take on way too many chores, and in some cases did not make their bio kids work but the foster kids had no choice. How do you approach chores with placements as more of a responsibility and character building activity rather than "forced labor"?
This is AMAZING. And I'm just curious how it evolved... For your first couple of placements, did you find yourselves trying to just state the rules verbally to the kids, and then realized that there was something powerful about having them in writing? or was this recommended to you by experts in fostering? I'd love to hear the back-story of how the binder came to be! you guys rock
Never mind! I found your other video "How we introduce our House Rules" and you explain it all super well.... different ages of kids work differently, etc.
ua-cam.com/video/EroZR38xZbk/v-deo.html
Yes exactly! We had only kids 5 and under prior to our current 12 year old! So we just discussed them in age appropriate ways. But with the 12 year old, we thought putting it in writing might be helpful ❤️❤️❤️
❤️🙏
Wow, it seems like a lot of rules and a lot of words…if it were me I’d keep it simple. Seems really intense and high strung. “We have had a lot of kids come through our house” seems like a really harsh thing to say to a child in this position. In my experience, any time an adult has to say “because I’m an adult” as the reason for something, it’s because they either can’t or don’t want to answer the question properly. It doesn’t explain the meaning behind the rules is to protect them, not to ensure you’re the biggest boss.
I like your rules, they are pretty much the same ones I have with my own children.
I think house rules are so necessary. It sets boundaries and standards right from the start, they know where they stand.
Of course children will buck against them or push the limits at times, this is so normal and part of growing up. It makes for some really interesting debates at times. I must admit I found the hardest area to deal with involves electronic devices and social media. It just wasn't an issue back when I started fostering but I had to learn mighty quick. Dating tends to start much later in rural areas of Ireland I am relieved to say. The main reason being we have to transport children everywhere, public transport is not available and the driving age here is 17 and costs a lot of money and time to learn.
Hi, these were super great rules. I do have a question though. When a new kids come into your home, do you sit everyone down and go over the rules together (to kind of remind current kids while also teaching new kids), or do you sit down one on one with the new kid and go over the rules?
While I understand as an adult why you have this, I can tell you as a foster child I really felt very very very very very angry that every single adult in my life was only trying to control every thing I did. I sat thru a lot of rules lectures and various rules documents, and this does seem a little more sugar coated, but still would have been quite aggravating. I felt so jealous of friends who had normal lives that weren't being entirely controlled by others who felt you were stupid and untrustworthy. I would have told you to f off and not done any of this. I feel like rules only work with kids if they know parents care about them and a lot of foster families I felt they were trying to control me and minimize how much of a burden I was to them by implementing crazy rules. And I had one foster family impose a 7:30 pm bedtime when I was 14 because they wanted "adult time" in the evenings. .
I am getting my boys back I am definitely going to use a lot of these rules
What about expectations foster kids can have about foster parents? While trust needs to be built, perhaps it may get be helpful to state very clearly how the foster parents are responsible for supporting children and the fp’s commitment to the foster children, especially when some may be reluctant to ask for what they need.
Love the crazy middles, and her sister that fosters also.
Yesss their channel is called Crazy Pieces!
Have you added these to a Doc yet? I would love to edit and print one for myself!
Hi! My wife and I and found your videos. This “rules”video was so very helpful! We are in the process of fostering to adopt. Is there anyway you would share your rule book with us??? We appreciate your videos tremendously!!!!
Hey idk if I still have it! This video is so old!!! But shoot me an email at fromthefosters13@gmail.com I’ll see if I can locate it for you!
I love the crazy middles, but I also was searching for foster parents in North Carolina and found you! Just something to connect to. I was actually apart of the first 20 that was subscribed to the crazy middles. I turn 21 9/11 any tips?! I’m so excited!
Oh yay! Congrats on turning 21! That’s huge! Yes… always remember your why. When things get overwhelming, remember why you are doing this. Take care of yourself, if you need help ASK. And keep things centered on the child. Do things that are in their best interest. And yes… GET ATTACHED. The kids need strong safe adult attachments.
Oh and learn as much as you can about how trauma affects a child’s brain. It will help explain why they have the behaviors they have
asking a child to give any adult full control over any of their accounts with all passwords subject to random checks is not only profoundly invasive but incredibly disrespectful to the child. Total abuse of authority and the easiest way to guarantee that your child will never fully trust you.
I would say it’s a safety thing, all my foster kids get a monitoring app placed on their phone while they’re in my care. Like it or not🤷♀️.
@@malayaanderson8222 Like it or not, you are invading the privacy of every child in your care and giving them the world's easiest excuse not to trust you. Back in the day, parents like you would go through a kid's room reading their diary for their "safety." Now you just use an app to do your spying for you, and then you brag about it. You think you're protecting kids, but you're just acting as another arm of inescapable surveillance and control.
I love this binder!! Do you have a way of sharing a version of the binder that excludes your personal information! I’d love a copy of it! You could sell it!! I think each and every rule is just perfect!
I do want to make it a shareable Google
Doc.. whenever I can find some time
To figure out how to do that 😂😂😂😂
Hi! Are you up for passing along digital copy for me to edit for our fam?
I'm curious as a foster parent you cant post pictures of the children for their safety but they are allowed to have their own accounts and post pictures? Doesnt that present the same, if not more risks?
Yes. I had a foster child who had social media and she did post photos of herself. However her social media was watched by me and her social worker. She posted photos of herself but never of her foster family, never posted a location, never posted really anything other than selfies. So it was harmless. She was only 12 though. Not sure if a child was older like 16 and posting more info than that.
As a teenager myself, I understand wanting to have passwords to a child's social media account to make sure they are safe, however, that is a breach of privacy, especially if they are messaging their friends.
Not if they are involved in dangerous activity, no one cares if a child has a crush on someone but they do care if that child is planning to run away etc
It can be very necessary with unstable teenagers/kids but if they are a responsible teen, then it can kind of cause trust issues.
@@marshmallow7640 yes a lot of people wouldn’t care but if you come from a home where dating was a problem or nothing being good enough and everything being wrong it becomes scary
@@Emma-cq3dx That's the household I grew up in, honestly rules are rules
As she stated, she doesn't snoop through their socials, invading every little private thing. Im pretty sure its just a 10-15 minute skimming, just to make sure they're safe. She's doing it because what if the kids family tries reaching to them and the family isn't supposed to? But the kid doesn't say?
Question as a type 1 diabetic teen I'm slightly wondering how you would deal with a child like me or with any other condition's as I know for some poeple it can be hard to do All the stuff I've got used to over years and years
I haven’t had a diabetic child. But I have had children with various medical needs. I just learn what their specific medications/apts/diets/therapies are, and we adapt to make It work ❤️
I was just thinking that with littles who can't read, it might be helpful to give them their own "book," but with simple visuals. Like the rules about cats, it may be helpful to have to have a picture of a cat, along with a few visuals of what not to do (like an X on "kicking"). To supplement that, maybe have a few visuals of what they CAN do, (use gentle hands, kind words, etc).
Just a thought. :)
That’s a wonderful idea!
@@fromthefosters You're welcome! I work with preschoolers, and so we use visuals all the time. It's very effective, particularly if they don't have the words yet, or are non-verbal. Plus, reading and talking about their "book" with them can be a great bonding experience.
Not fostered/adopted or anything, but good lord do I wish my parents had had something like this. I was always told no makeup until age 14 when I was finally told I could at age 16. I was told I couldn't wear a two-piece bathing suit because it was too easy to take off, and then never told when I'd be allowed to. And I always assumed I was never allowed to date until I randomly learned it was fine. This would have saved me so much grief.
I am curious about taking let's say.. a phone away from your Foster that was given to them by the Bio parents.
Does that have any repercussions?
I think you really have to check the rules in your jurisdiction.
Where I am we just can’t do anything physically like spanking, but you can take phones for punishment.
how does social media work in fos ter care? i know that you are not allowed to post info about them are they allowed to post things about themselves? awesome video tho i kinda want to make one just to have for my munchkins so they have a clear cut understanding of our expectations!
It depends. Unfortunately in Colorado the Court may order individuals who are subjected to foster care or guardianship not to be on any social media for their own safety and others. This includes children and adults with intellectual developmental disabilities. I know in Colorado adults with intellectual developmental disabilities are subject to foster care adoption or guardianship.
What Alfonso said! It really depends. But overall we usually can’t share their face, real name, or other identifying information about them on social media!
Bit harsh on the rules do they have to sign a contract just kids.
No, they don’t need to sign a contract. Obviously children are humans too and make mistakes which is fine. The important thing to remember is that children in foster care/ children who have experienced a lot of turmoil- require strong structure and boundaries in order to really thrive. They need predictability which is why having the rules written out helps as well. I’m not saying my rules are for everyone… but these work for us and the kids we’ve had come through
Great and Amazing!
Starting my comment from as I watch. I had 4 children of my own. We didn’t have that many rules. Just a few. Basically respect God, adults, and yourself. Do not destroy property and communicate. Also Gods got 10 that cover everything. These would have never worked w my special needs son. His iq was not up to this level. Please think about that population. Overall this is amazing training for employment and life. It was done with so much love.I think this is more of a course for parenting than rules
For sure we have to adjust the rules for different kids! One of our sons has special needs as well. These rules worked well for one of the older kids we had fostered but our adopted sons are 4 and 6 and one has special needs. So we definitely adjust them as needed for the kids that are in our care at any given time. These are just kind of a baseline/guideline ❤️
Could it be possible for you to create a shareable Google docs with these rules for you to share?
Also I’ve tried to look for that crazy middles video and I haven’t found it, could you link it?
I think they deleted it! I tried to find it again and I couldn’t! But I can certainly try to do the Google doc thing! Just give me a little time ❤️
I love Rule 14!!! ❤😺
I like the rule book... but what's the punishment for breaking them? I'm curious about your discipline methods. What's appropriate discipline for a foster child? Is disciplining a foster child more difficult than a biological child?
Ah yes! I don’t talk much about discipline because it’s such a challenging topic. My kids are all younger still, so it’s a lot of “time ins”. We don’t send them away to “time out” but rather have them sit with us. We have lots of conversations about appropriate vs inappropriate behaviors. If they do something like throw a toy or hit someone with a toy, we take just that toy away for a few hours (but still let them have others).
My kids have issues with emotional regulation… so a lot of it is just trying to teach them regulating behaviors like deep breathing or punching a pillow instead of another person etc
what are the rules for someone who is blind or visually impaired? What would happened if an individual has a disability that affects their ability to follow the rules. I know in New Mexico there is no consequences for individuals with disabilities for breaking the rules. However I'm no longer in New Mexico. I'm in Colorado
Great question! We do have kids with disabilities. We have not had kids who were blind or deaf etc. but we always adapt our home and rules to the children in our care and what their needs dictate! ❤️
Did you miss the part where she said it’s a binder so that they can easily take rules in and out? It’s individualized depending on the child(den) in the home.
I like your nails.
Hmm 🤔 I see no issue with the social media rules. And y’all wonder why y’all kids are buck wildin. Most of these parents today that give their children cell phones don’t even monitor them. My friend’s little sister used to go to sleep watching p*rn at age 6. Children are exposed to many strangers on social media. So if you want your kids to freely go to strangers homes then that’s on you. The cell phones are almost like a babysitter for these children and it’s sad. With the right parameters and safety software, most potential problems are eliminated. the Internet is the wild Wild West. And I know of someone whose child began self harming because of an online relationship that didn’t go well- the kid is in middle school. Had she not been ‘invasive’ she may have never known. And even though this happened good thing that she caught on to her child in time, better late than too late. Everybody’s household is different so don’t you dare come on here feeling offended. You guys are being defensive for all the wrong reasons. She’s being more lenient than I would be that’s for sure. And believe it or not some kids adhere to the rules, just because yours won’t, doesn’t mean that hers will act the same.
They have their whole lives to date and have social media that’s why there’s age limits. Quit trying to be your child’s friend and be their dog on parent.
While it is great to be involved, I do not agree with foster parent's forcing the children to hand over password or friend the parent's on social media. If you want to be involved, havi ng randon access to their device should be sufficient. With that being said, we have all been teenagers at one time and we all go through things especially during puberty.
Also, most fostered children have experienced some form of trauma and trust issue's.
While I appreciate your journey in fostering I feel not only is this an invasion of privacy it's also gives a boring school vibe and will prevent the child from letting their guards down.
I monitor my foster kids phones🤷♀️I get privacy to a extent, but it’s a parent’s responsibility to check what their kids are doing.
Anyone in my home under 18 will have a monitoring app until they leave to a different placement.
The social media part is interesting. So you can’t post the foster kid’s faces as the parent but are the kids allowed to post pics of themselves on their own social media?
Case by case, state by state varies. But where I live, yes
@@fromthefosters That is cool, I’m a foster parent in training and your videos have been helping, thank you ❤️
This is my favorite video of yours so far, I'm becoming a foster/adoption parent soon. Can I get a pdf or copy of that book purchace/donation?. I find it very useful. but I'm not that creative
I made this video so long ago! I’m not sure I still have these pages. But I will look for them!
is this a joke? please tell me this is a joke....
What do you mean