I view limerence as a kind of dissociation, rather than a depression. It’s like a kind of ethereal state that we can go into, sometimes even subconsciously, to protect us from reality where trauma wounds threaten to resurface
omgg yes!! Thank you, I feel so understood (as I'm sure a lot of others do). People are like 'just stop imagining things that cannot be, it doesn't help you'.. but my brain thinks it does, and depending on how dissconnected from reality I feel, the more I could waste hours in a ruminating loop of rewriting past experiences in my mind and imagining my life had they been as I 'should' have xyz.. sigh.
Limerence is an addiction, it gives you a dopamine hit, it helps you to keep it together and still be alone coping. An invisible drug/coping mechanism. At the moment I’m trying to fall in love with myself, every time I fall into the daydreams I imagine I’m appreciating myself, interested in myself. It’s helping
The more I keep reading these comments on limerence, the more I realize I have a severe disorder because of all my thought patterns. The way I constantly rewind, looking back at past experiences, failures, wishing I could change so much. How falling so intensely into limerence now, would just be the most complicated issue I so did not need. Yet here we are... Am I better person beecause of it?? Probably not. But trying to learn from it.
It's really important to see the connection between rejection and obsession. When I review my limerent obsessions, it really isn't limerence at first with the person. I can always pinpoint it to a point or period of rejection. The problem is this is hard to see because rejection usually doesn't come explicitly. Being left On Read is rejection. Not having someone reciprocate conversations or interest level is a rejection. Seeing someone with someone else or flirting with others is essentially a rejection. And for me, those moments change the dynamic of what was initial interest into obsession. Especially if you still think you have a chance. But it is helpful to see that cause there was a time when you knew and liked this person normally and it wasnt an unhealthy obsession, and that's a good perspective to see it's not really that person youre obsessed with but a bizarre chemical response to rejection by someone you desire.
If I helped anyone even for a minute I'm grateful. But if you're in a real bind on obsession, a cold shower does the trick for me. Uncomfortable as all hell but anything to just dislodge the obsession for a second gains a ton of clarity. All you need is that brief second of not thinking of them sometimes to realize you dont have to be gripped by this
The way I see it, limerence is a symptom, not an illness in itself. What kind of person do you develop these crushes on? What do you see in them? Some people get obsessed with those who give them kindness, others look for excitement or any number of other things. We need identify those needs and fulfill them elsewhere, ideally maybe not all in the same place. If you're lost in the desert, of course you're gonna get obsessed with the only oasis. The answer is that humans can't live off of sand, so if we are to stop obsessing over a water source we need to go somewhere where water is plentiful. But if all you've ever known is desert, the whole world can look like a big desert.
That was well said. Right now, my whole world feels like that desert. The only oasis is this LO, I work with, who gives me the dopamine high I get, just by looking at her. Even better when she looks up at me. It could be no more than a minute out of my long day, that I see her. But just to see her, in what I see as God's Masterpiece, is what gets me through my day. She is my everything and when I see her, I am in another dimension. This is intensity I didn't ever fathom, could exist. But I see why I do it and it's all part of an addictive cycle I've always had. My story is complicated and long and even tragic to a degree, but I'm working through this. So thank Christ for this forum and those I can share with.
"a charismatic addict" That's what I would call my handsome, charming profoundly emotionally codependent father, always using all the women in his life for emotional support. He took his hits from women who thought he really was interested in them in return. Codependency can be very slick and harmful, not just a dependent limerence.
I am learning now at 44 that THIS is my real diagnosis. CPTSD (that one, I already knew) and limerance. I don't think I was ready before to hear it. I am happy and so grateful, because I can FINALLY move forward in my life, after a lifetime of emotional and mental suffering and instability that only seemed to get worse with time. I had come to the conclusion I was doomed!. I am so sorry for all of us traumatised adults who did not have a chance as children to develop in a healthy way. But you are sharing with us a real possibility to have a shot to happiness. And many of us have been deadly trying all of our lives, and failing at it, but here we continue and today, I see a new possibility that makes total sense. Thank you Anna ❤
My mom hit me as a baby while nursing. She said I bit her and smacked my nose then put me on a bottle from then on. First of many ways she shown she didn't want me. She enjoyed sharing that story all my life. Second she wanted a boy not a girl. Her next one was a boy. The golden child.
I'm amazed how mean mothers tell their evil behavior and people find it funny. My mother bragged about how when her children were fighting (some one started it) she would hit each of us because she didn't have time (or interest) to find out why we were fighting or who started... and people laugh about it. People find it "smart" and funny. It's a shame.
I’ve struggled with limerence since I was very young. I was beaten until I had blue welts by my Dad for having it. I had taken on my parents’ incompatibility with each other. I was shamed for being limerent,and told I was a heathen because of it. My parents thought I was in need of psychiatric treatment at 7 years old. The 1960’s were not good. I’m in a better place now. My parents have passed. I look forward to being with people and helping them.
my god...could limerence really apply to a child? Surely that's what you call a crush as they are still developing? Im so sorry, I can't imagine how adults could have looked at your little innocent face and treated you that way. I hope you are able to rebuild now
A lot of times, kids are just a happenstance. Whether they’re planned or not. Parents think they are prepared for “parenthood “ but the kid just gets in the way. Long story short, I am extremely thankful that my sister didn’t go through that.
Seems my parents refuse to die. Get this: He's been Sitting Alone in his cheap house since the 80s on disability. Smoking consistently. Stroke in 91. Still this 70+ abusive Psycho lives. and Then! Won a $1mill lottery in 2014. This 👆 is what I call a fallen world.
@@supercoolyguyyeah I know LOTS of people like that. Pure assholes that contribute nothing but grief to those around them yet seem to be blessed in all aspects with talents, gifts or money. There is no logic and there is no fairness. Once I accepted THAT it all mattered less hahah
I struggle with limerence a big way.Neglected in the childhood left me with the scars for life.I get attached quickly and struggle to let go fantasising about the person who has permanently left my life and the only way to overcome it is by attaching myself to someone else .I'm feeling desperate to have a mature healthy stable relationship as tired of giving my time and energy for the wrong people
PS: Anna, in this video I also learned that tough love is "telling the truth in an assertive and loving way" and not "using your past mistakes to tell the truth in an aggressive/hurtful/egotistical way". Thank you so much for that! ❤
I'd always suffered from love addictions and thought it's some personal and weird problem that will never go away, these videos have lifted such a heavy load off my back, I now know where all this stems from. I'm confident and self aware, keep doing this good work. I hope to help others one day just as youre doing
I remember feeling extreme limerence about six years ago. At the time I think I had functional depression. I lived alone, slept a lot, and struggled to get up for work. I was dating someone when the limerence started for someone else. He was unavailable and admitted as much. We semi-dated, but he would ignore me for weeks at a time. I believe this just made it even more intense. Seeing him was painful as I knew he’d disappear afterwards. I felt flooded with dopamine(?!) every day. It was distracting but felt good. I eventually ended it for my own sake and realised that although I couldn’t be with him, I was just happy and relieved I’d felt something for someone again. I didn’t realise how toxic and stupid it was at the time.
I've been depressed and I had a texting friendship where he started flirting. It felt dangerous but as I was getting more and more depressed and had nothing to look out for his messages were for me the only source of feeling appreciated, seen, liked. I said to myself well for now it's more inportant to feel a bit better so if that it is by fantasizing than that's ok. I did worked on getting out of my depression but the longing started to feel overwhelming and painfull. I couldn't move on so I confessed and he rejected me which I anticipated since he didn't want to mert up althow it also got me confused. Cause he started all the flirting and all that. I thought I could move on but the heartbreak was also intense and felt like a step back into depression. But I seemed to manage.. I was putting myself first and had no contact. Untill he texted me that he regretted his choice to reject me. That he had feelings for me and didn't know it. But he seemed garded and I didn't trust him. And yes when I tried to plan a date he gohsted me for a few days and then said he wasn't ready yet but was working on himself. From that point I couldn't move on.. I felt stuck in heartbreak and hope. Anyways I feel depression defenatly makws us more vulnerable for attention and limerence. I am fearfull avoidant and I've seen how this played a huge part in this dynamic between us. But also how blind I was for him not even want to meet up.. It was all words. After months he contacted me again. He started flirting instantly. And before I knew it I felt the butterflies again and was full on back in the hope for more. He said he didn't want anything at the moment anymore but he still thought it was a possibility for the future. That to me was exactly prove of his egotistic motives. As before it seemed he really wanted it but wasn't ready now he plainly confessed he wasn't into me but liked to keep me on a leash. I blocked him and 6 months later I still think of him time to time as he has been connected to so many thoughs, I still miss him. But I also know I did the right thing. I feel I finally am doing mentally better, physically too and have worked on my attachementstyle. In the new year I am ready to meet new people and start believing in real love. No more fantasies for me, I deserve someone who is there for me as I've always been there for others. And someone who wants to see me and is putting efford in making that happen. Just wanted to share my experience with you as I believe it is something human and we should forgive ourselves and be glad it teached us a great lesson in what we are worthy of. ❤️
It's not stupid! It's a trauma response and form of mental escapism and projection. You realizing this is extremely intelligent and self aware. Took me about 8 years to do the same!
God, Anna, your timing is perfect yet again. I have been a complete mess since finding out last week that my ex remarried. I am so filled with regret and guilt over driving him away, and, at the same time, I feel so much rage at him for cheating. Then I blame myself for driving him to cheat. I don’t know what to do with all the emotions I’m experiencing, particularly the feelings of abandonment. I’m doing the daily practice and am hoping it will start helping soon. 😢😔
Girl you probably know this but if he cheated on you he wasn't the one for you, nor did you drive him to cheat. You deserve someone who will never cheat on you or make you feel like his mistakes are your fault. Wish you the best!
@@designchikI get it. But Anna is right. Once the root wound starts to heal? The regret and the feeling of being gutted will fade. You’re gonna be ok. You’re in the right place, asking the right questions. Blessings to you.
You will get through this, but it’ll take time. Have you got a close friend who you can confide in? When my emotions are out of my control, I take time to write down all my feelings in a journal. I write down the good, the bad, and the ugly. I keep my journal in a private place where I can add to it and reread it. I don’t worry about my handwriting or hurting someone else’s feelings by what I write. Journaling hasn’t taken away my problems but it’s probably kept me from hurting myself or other people. Good luck!
@@nancyellen8006 Thanks, Nancy. I don’t really have anyone, at least no one who understands why I’m so broken by this. Complicating things is that I was very damaged and hurt him a lot. By the time I got help, he says I killed the love, and that is gutting to know. We were together for 20 years and after the first year, he never asked me to marry him again. I don’t know why he stayed with me for so long; it certainly wasn’t love. I know that I’m going through what Anna calls abandonment mélanges, and it’s dreadful.
I was drowning in limerance all through the pandemic. More than two years. I was raised by cold emotionally unavailable angry parents. Thank you for such in interesting video. It makes sense. I'm almost 50 & my mother still requires constant praise. My father hasn't spoke to me in two yrs. The pair acknowledge nothing. Unmet childhood validation / being brought up as a fat child/ nervous breakdown at 18... today I'm extremely sensitive, I take rejection savagely personal & find it difficult to date. Excruciatingly so. I'm otherwise tall, healthy & might be on the verge of a job I so so want... a month ago someone new manifested me but suddenly withdrew... I was so unsettled by this . The OP probably wondered what is going on with me but she's highly intelligent & possibly understands.. my limerance prob frightened her... thank you for this
Limerance can happen when a child fantasizes about how their abusive and neglectful parents CAN BE in their fantasy world. You tell yourself "stories" that your mother/father don't hate you, aren't r&ping you, aren't selling you, aren't beating down, etc. You tell stories of how they do love you, but just don't know how to, so you just need to be more understanding.... because if you're just more understanding, they will magically show you how much they actually don't hate you.
thank you for this! I always questioned my crushes and why they always felt so intense borderline obsessive now I know there’s a word for it and helpful ways to cope
Limerence is looking for clues that they feel the same way trouble is they don't feel the same way but the feeling is very powerful that somehow they do. Sometimes I hate the fact that I ever met her, I hate the knowledge that she actually exists in the real world but cares nothing at all for me. Sometimes I think if she knocked at my door and said she was sorry for all the agony and the pain she had caused me my instinct would be to completely reject her to make her feel all the misery and loneliness that I have felt for over two decades. Whatever this twisted thing is it's not love.
Thank you Anna! Wish I knew this 20 years ago... yes, I had lived in my own fantasy for years, and it took me a long time to realize that what I really wanted isn't what I really need. It is CPTSD thinking. Thank you for removing the confusion and shame. Limerence is indeed like addition, and a way to escape reality. Facing reality is probably the hardest thing to do, but it has to be done. ❤❤❤
I have the same background, and I'm experiencing limerence now. It's a horrible pain that I enjoy thinking about. If my leg was hurting, I'd look away but with limerence, I want to stare into the fire because I feel comfortable in the illusion. I'm using it to distract myself from other parts of my life so I need to address those things first. What's very good to think about is that when I finally decide to do this, it means that I've learned self-love. Love to me is about sacrifice for the betterment of others. The 'other' in this is actually the higher part of myself.
Anna, all your responses were good but I was totally blown away by the 3rd video - what a well thought out and honest and well conveyed perspective of the situation for all parties involved. Also I am touched and impressed by the courage of every single person who wrote in and had their story told & examined in front of so many people. I wish them all the best.
I realised from another of your videos, that I was in limerance for this man who I was intimate with once. I made him into a fantasy to help me cope with overwhelming grief, with the lockdowns, and my own childhood traumas. I created this channel partially as a way to explore and express through art and music how I felt. Thankyou again for talking about limerance, as it is so common yet still relatively unknown phenomenon. I sincerely hope I can process the agony of these last three years and let go. I'm almost there! Thankyou thankyou 💖
Thank you so much for this video, it gave me an insight into my behaviour, I probably overlook neglect cases of my childhood. I'd like to share my story, maybe some people can relate to it. I was seventeen when I met him on vacation abroad. I am from a big russian city, he was from France. When I first saw him, I knew we would have a fling. We spent 2 weeks together with our common friends there on vacation, we had adventures, hugs and our first kiss, it was the first one for the both of us. It was the first time someone gave me that much love and attention. When he left me to go back home, I knew it was the end and I would never see him again. Imagine having one more week on a little island, where a lot of places were shared with him. Imagine going back home where parents give each other silent treatment and I knew they stayed together because of me, but this fakeness, the toxicity that had place between the three of us choked me. I went back into my long-lasting depression, that I thought was just me being sad. I had straight A's but dang how lonely I was. I had one friend, but I was never really sincere with her. I was looking for love to happen with basically anyone, but I couldn't be in love, I couldn't think of me with anyone but him. So I put our photograph on the wall, I kissed him on it everyday. I would text him very rarely, I didn't want to seem clingy. I wore the zip sweatshirt he gave me, I was sleeping in it. I would cover sheets in my school notebook with his name, wishing we would meet and be happy. I cried a lot and I cut my hands a bit with the first letters of his name. When I left home for studying in another city, it was the thing that kept me alive, I decided to enter a university in France. And I did it, I learnt French in 7 months. It was also the way out of my country, but I was too weak to deal with immigration. I knew he had a girlfriend and he refused to meet and talk. I knew he would. I left France 3 months later. I still miss this country but this time I know why, and not because of my dream of him. If I hadn't had my limerence for him, I would have never entered a university abroad. My limerence caused so much suffering, I lost several years of my youth to it. It still hurts a bit. Recently I caught myself in nostalgia, but having a healthy relationship is so much better than being in pain from love addiction.
I understand what she’s saying when she mentions being picked on and sexually assaulted by a teacher. We must wear an invisible sign on our back that says “Vulnerable “ and predators are the only one’s that see it. My sister and I were relentlessly picked on for being “ugly” and “dumb”. Though it didn’t end for me like that way. I worked hard as I could to not be seen that way, yet it was still the way I continued to see myself
This has been such good hard truth and helped me to fully accept that I'm experiencing limerance. It is so clear. I've been suffering so much even though I did instinctively tell him I didn't want him in my life anymore (my gut knew the whole scenario felt wrong as he has met a new partner) I have had an inner voice telling me I'm not a nice person for doing that and that its me that's been the whole problem. This has helped me to be kinder to myself.
This sweet person is hurting and confused from the loss of her mother. She is looking for someone to talk to, the guy is not the right person and it is clear he is not interested (take comfort in the fact you helped at a time he needed help - this is beautiful of you - now be that for yourself). It is important like Anna says to view someone who is in a relationship as unavailable. I would recommend writing the notes you want to write him, to yourself. Learn about yourself, and understand your feelings. Find new people to talk to. You believe in God, trust that God places you where you need to be to learn what you need to be the best you. You are strong and beautiful, best of luck! 💖💖
I'm concerned about Rachel's statement that she can't be her full self with her husband, but only inhabits roles. That was something that I did in my marriage -- subordinated the parts of myself that didn't fit with this person--and after losing myself in that way divorce was the best thing that happened to me. Anna, are you not concerned about that aspect?
Mostly I fall into limerence after a short relationship with someone who wasn't good for me, I start to fantasize about how things could've been if the person or me would acted different. This feeling that they never give their all to me leaves me wondering how they treat other people in relationships and probably they give them everything that I always wished for and I feel bad about myself. It's so crazy that I feel heartbroken or drawn towards people that I knew for such a short time, but after my healthy 3 year relationship, I had no limerence and was over it after couple of weeks. It seems so unreasonable to feel that way, I am ashamed to talk about it with friends because they could see me as immature.
This has been so helpful to me! And the timing so perfect. I find myself longing to be seen in relationships and so angry when I’m not loved perfectly. It’s overwhelming. I do things that I wouldn’t consider to be normal for me and can’t think of anything else. I have been increasingly able to sit with the feelings but haven’t understood why they were there. Like the final puzzle piece listening to this made me realise that those are just old and desperate longings from my very unhappy childhood. Now I understand, it’s so much easier to be with those feelings and to make better choices. Thank you so very much! You’ve helped me enormously.
Why is it so difficult to wipe out of our memory that kind of feelings? I've been going thru it for a couple of years now and I'm not able to forget that person. My major issue is the bitterness that remains inside me. I want to forget her for once and for all but I can't, don't know why or how. Coping with rejection is much more difficult than I ever imagined!
Yep, yep & yep. I know WE are the only one who can make us happy. I did that last winter, loved the feels, never did it before & let myself get hurt. I am woman, hear me roar!!!!
Limerence is a new term for me. I think that understanding what limerence is will help me see my life as it really is and focus on bringing something meaningful into it. For the moment, however, I am hurting the way that many here have been hurting. Now I understand that I have experienced limerence in many forms throughout my life. It is not my fault, but I have to make a change. No-one is coming to take the pain away.
As a child, I was the oldest and my Mother told me she didn't believe she could have given birth to a child like me. I am bipolar and she said at age 8 she noticed a change in me and couldn't feel the same way about me as she did my sisters, there was neglect towards me, not my sisters. They got love, but not me. This caused me to look for love and affection in other places, mostly boys and Men. I got older and was sexually abused and got romantically obsessed on a few boys and Men and that is where I found my value and still do. How do I break this in my life? These Men always know that I am vulnerable.
Omg! A win. Saw this in my playlist. I paused like who then remembered when I was obsessed and felt low about myself. I no longer long for anyone/anything from the past. Now I cringe about wasted years and self sabotage. But…. A wins a win
I randomly found you as a recommendation. I find this to be completely interesting and thoroughly enjoy your feedback. I sadly recognize some of these behaviors in myself and didn't even know that this existed. That there was a name for this. Thank you. I've subscribed so that I may learn more.
Limerance is horrible. The person I'm obsessed with is long married and has been in a professional relationship for more than twenty years but at present is a kind friend with very disturbing romantic overtones on his part. The vibes are intoxicating but I am resisting this because he's mentioned his wife many times, and I cannot figure out what their modus vivendi must be! There are no examples I can refer to as my family are estranged and violent and sexually absolutely twisted, as were many of the people in my life. I'm trying to keep this man as a friend, but that's not what's happening. I'm at a loss.
I feel like he knows what he's doing. For him it's a form of entertainment and for you....homework. Stay strong as you are, keep distance, change focus. You are a fine person!
I love your wisdom and your kind, non-judgmental ability to share it. We are blessed to have you share from your own experiences and not merely because you have a degree or a license.
My husband of 22 years just left me after he was chatting with another woman online. He even told me that he knew I was vulnerable when we first got together and he knew he would be able to control me and my life. I feel like he is doing the same thing to this new woman because she obviously has mental illness also and on the mental level of a young girl. He wants total control. He still calls me every other day and tells me I belong to him and never forget that I am always his possession. I have known him since the second grade and I am not money dependent on him, but mentally dependent. My happiness is all wrapped up in him and I don't know what to do.
My estranged husband ghosted me. I knew he love bombed me in the beginning then I clung on and didn’t let go even through humiliation and abuse. Now he left since my bday he was violent and cruel. I had bruises on my arms. I was in panic he said he wanted to come back but never did. I haven’t been able to move on I’m tired I was fully dependent on him. He still pays the rent but hides from me and won’t speak. I really need the strength to move forward I grew fully financially dependent on him as I grew very sick after Pfizer vaccine. I’m now in the stages where I can do physical therapy. I’m hopeful I can get over this. I want to move out of this apartment where we lived it’s a torture.
Do not get any more vaccines. You've already made progress so you just keep going! one step at a time! ** remember, patience is a virtue, Christina, & you *will* get out of that apartment.
I think you're right calling limerence a twisted form of depression. I'm just now realizing this within myself, and i 1st experienced this @ 11. 25yrs later, and now i've resonated w/ the limerence as the most safe/perfect version of romance. Purely quixotic. I understood years ago my obsession was inordinate, so i digested it instead of making a fool of myself pursuing someone i KNOW i'm not compatible with. I'm rly tryna focus on cleaning up my spirit w/ a closer relationship w/ God, and i'm not healed enough for a real relationship, so a fantasy romance made up in my head is fine for now. I know it'll pass, that it isn't real, and not to rly feed the obsession, but just to watch my mind come up w/ these things is kinda entertaining lol.
Had a short lived romance with a friends Ex , broke up due to friends jealousy. Didn't persue her because she had a bunch of guys in her orbit and she lied to me about not having a boyfriend. I know she still thinks about me , because she sent me a birthday text after like 7 years with no contact. I looked her up and she is married with a newborn.😮 Left it "on read". 💔
Even the name limerence makes me ill. It sounds like a evil thing. It kept me for years in jail and when I would feel it was gone it came back within days and I felt happy again for a couple of days. And now since yesterday I heard the word limerence and it doesn’t sound beautiful. I just don’t want to be the person who has limerence I need to take over my mind. My mind is playing tricks on me. I’m so done whit this. Y’all need to be extremely aware of tarot reading and twinflame things because those are ingredients for limerence
I am learning SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH with your videos. Thank you SO MUCH!!! And oh my God, makes so much sense and yes, looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooots and lots of tears when you are healing. But it's necessary. 😞 I went through this 4 years ago when I quit drinking, but have not been successful in quitting my love/sex addiction. Thank you for the SLAA tip! Will be joining that tomorrow!!!
Man this was very eyeopening. I'd have a good one for you, my friend of 18 years became limerent for each other. Damn did it get messed up. I'm still trying to get over it, I imagine she is too to a degree. She would tell me all these things that no one had ever told me before. Then bring her boyfriend to where we work and hug and kiss him right in front of me then be confused as to why it upset me. Then she would get upset with me because I didn't believe her when she would tell me crap like "You're my forever, my missing piece, you complete me" etc. I'm your forever but you want to kiss the guy you said you didn't have feelings for in front of me? Man was it so messed up. But because I had childhood trauma I kept hoping it was real. And I think to a point she really thought these things. But she was never going to leave her boyfriend so, anyway. I could go on and on. My head is so screwed up by this.
Thank you Anna, you said so many important things and how they are connected to each other thst any therapist would be really jealousy! Thank you so much, Fairy!!
Break ups are hell. I would describe it as as bad as a heroin addiction it hurts that much and it is that addictive. Deep grief and despair is hell.. I often wondered how people get over divorce so easily. It takes me at least 5yrs for the pain to start subsiding. But stoping texting is like telling a heroin addict to stop your brain wont allow it no matter what you know to be true. I actually cant believe it hasnt. Killed me. Thank you for you video it helped x I have an bad abusive and abandoned childhood. Idd likd to ask if its just women that have this?
Definitely not, got cheated on 5 years ago by the love of my life and never got over her. Have had opportunities with other women and turn them all down. No interest in pursuing a relationship ever again really. I think its likely to happen to whoever cared more in the relationship dynamic.
I think that often, by the time a couple divorce, the feelings are no longer running high - they're no longer 'in love'! The painful thing, I think, is when you're madly in love with someone and it can't be, for whatever reason. It hasn't got to the humdrum, take-each-other-for-granted stage - it's still at the stage where you're walking on air - the best, brightest version of yourself - and the LO is magical!!! I suppose that's Limerance and is so addictive.
"Your sorrow and pain want you to manufacture, at any cost, the feeling of being loved." (To paraphrase you, dear Fairy.) It's funny that you remind us you aren't a therapist, in this video: you have the most therapeutic approach of anyone I've watched! Even hearing you compassionately listen to someone else's story makes me reflect upon mine, and feel less alone: which does so much, to heal. So thank you... thank you, thank you!
11:15 This is it. And then the moment she comes back to your life (drinking, smoking, complaining about her other ex showing up drinking and smoking and leaving this word) the fantasy pops. Yet somehow her coldness toward others makes the fantasy special.
The second story is why I'm so glad my best friend is gay. We hang out all the time and I love him second only to my husband. But there has NEVER been any romantic or sexual tension between us. We're like siblings, even twins. I would never hide stuff about my friend and our interactions from my husband. He is fully supportive of my friendship and I'm very glad because my life is wonderful having these two beautiful and different masculine energies in my life. Opposite sex friends are not the problem, limerence is the problem. Hiding your true self from your spouse is the problem.
So what if a person is in a relationship with a toxic abusive person and can't leave or is trying to escape and falls in love with someone healthier but can't be with them because they can't escape or in the process of getting away from their abuser or in separation and waiting for a divorce. Is that limerence. Or what if a person is under contract of some sort and falls in love with someone they can't be with due to a contract is that limerence and not love. The examples can go both ways and be vice versa and with different dynamics and circumstances is that limerence and not love. Or what if you have an actor and an actress in a movie and in the movie they fall in love but they realize that they like each other and that the Love actually is true outside of the script but both parties are married and can't be with each other is that limerence or truly falling in Love. There's always limerence in the beginning I would bet that most successful relationships that are long lasting had the feeling of its too good to be true why because it is true. It's how both partners handle it when the endorphins settle back down.
To paraphrase the words of Jurassic Park - love, love will find a way! Limerance is reading more into the situation than there is, usually in response to a current/previous trauma. Its a self based love, where you are projecting what you would ideally want onto someone else, without them responding or truely feeling the same. The situation may remain static as the person actually gains the most "perfect" relationship if they cannot have a true relationship. This allows the fantasy aspects to continue, without the humdrum realities of life such as the dishes to wash and the food to shop for. If its real love, but the situation is complicated, they will work as a team to make it happen - raise money, seperate from current partners, cross states etc. They bring out the best in each other.
So being unhappy in love has a new fancy name - limerance. Nobody knows and will ever know secrets of the heart. Fell in love with someone who was close to you who was nice to you and gave you affection is normal human thing, and when they are gone you suffer.
It's so hard to uninstall / quit the evil habit of warm limerence when facing the cold reality. Wonder if the constant being inside one's own mind / fantasy can make one mental, schizophrenic, bipolar 😢
This is so hard. I am in a limerent thing with my married neighbor, who is also limerent for me. I cannot avoid him. There is no possible way. We have mutual friends and, well, I see him every day. I do not know how to deal with this. I want to take my garbage out right now, and I am sure he will come out if he hears me. IMO, the only way out of this is for me to genuinely stop caring for him, even though I see him and he feeds my limerence. I feel like I have no tools for dealing with this in spite of my years of therapy and 12-step meetings, including SLAA, and Anna's videos. Just drowning.
Of course you can avoid him 🙄 and stop giving him fxck me eyes. You can avoid the opportunity. If you weren't attracted to him, you'd find many ways to avoid him.
I had this when I was in my 30s. I now in my 60s. I 1didn’t know limerence was a name. I told my therapist about it, but they never addressed it. I thought it was an obsession. Also diagnosed bipolar, but never knew that others had limerence. I think I had a good childhood, I felt loved, so don’t know why I would get this.
Great videos miss anna...I guess a whole lot more people have this problem (cptsd)than I would have ever thought because these behaviours being discussed is so soo prevalent among us
Tik, tok, tik, tok. The endless silence meandering over the sky, while the dimmy moonlight dancing over the desk. Beside the wardrobe lies her phone, yet, she no longer checks it; it’s too close to him, she can sense his eyes penetrating through the room, arriving at the very bottom of her head. Is about a week has she been like this, quite frankly, nothing else than wandering, and nagging. Abruptly, she heard something, is the sound of the sneakers dropping on the floor. Who could it be?? Like the heart stops beating, as her phone slides off the bed. She struggles to stand up, but can feel the strength in her arms fleeing…there’s nothing more painful than this, she still manages to move 2 steps ahead. Is him. Lord. what else can it be more pleasurable than seeing her ex? His baseball hat, his same old jacket, for how many nights she touched, kissed! Haha! He looks even better now, as though his grin shines warmth and kind. Is you, bae. She opens her mouth, tries to laugh, tries to cry, but no longer can she: his presence made her breath harder each second, his eyes made her body caramelized. She gave up, she only wants to feel him. Even if is just once…suddenly, his clothes shattered, his face dissolved. Fear start to eat up her sight, anxiety begin to devour her conscious. She tries to chase after where he vanishes, but only leaving herself again, within the tedious long night. clock ticks to 12, tick, tok, tick, tok. But It’ll never advance this time.
I think if I didn't have the responsibility of taking care of my children I would have already ended my life. My codependency is so bad, I can't imagine my life without him, even though my life with him was hell...and I know it was. Just knowing that he is with another woman, but keeps telling me to fight for him is what makes me insane, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't function. He knows it, and him being a narcissist, he thrives off of my pain and suffering. This is my life.
I dated someone for three months, really liked them and still do! out of the blue they text me on Christmas Eve and said they didn't think they were in the right headspace to be in a relationship or even cultivate a friendship. Since I was 'dumped ' I went on another date and found myself comparing this new date to the last one . I still can't stop thinking about this person I dated for three months and really wanted a relationship with them. I would have also been happy with just a friendship but they seemed adamant on no more contact - even though we got on well hence the shock to me of them ending it. Is this sadness a normal reaction or a side effect of limerence?
should I not feel love? what is a healthy way to love? why must I detach from things? should I just not care about my life and just go through the motions? pretty much just say hi to the good feelings as they come and expect life to be more or less meaningless?
It's ok to let yourself become attached to those that will reciprocate that attachment. Look at reality as it is. Not better than it is, or worse than it is, so you don't get attached to the things or people that will cause pain by not reciprocating your interest. In other words, a healthy way to love is to love in a way that allows others to be free, and accepting the reality of who they are and where they stand.
Obsessive love can be dangerous----Just watched all the NXIUM Vow documentaries, these women were sick with obesessive love over their cult leader, PLUS recruited their own sisters/daughters. Many lost 20 yrs + and went to PRISON.
I see a red flag in the guy's increasing late answers to Sophia's messages. If it didn't happen to me, I wouldn't suspect he was playing games with her which I think he was.
What if I obsess about the person and when he gets near and wants to actually make things official, I pull away? It’s like I only want to suffer in my delusions.
Some background, I lost my mom to murder when I was 17. My dad was an alcoholic who was in and out of my life when he wasnt in jail. I dod not enjoy his visits so why would I look for this in my life. Fast forward, If myperson is also a good friend, should we tell the person we are having a problem with this? Or will they just think you are crazy? I think Ive been going through this for 5 years. I thought he was my twin flame and I was the chaser and he the runner. I mean why does he keep coming back to me? Why doesnt he stop communication. Im 51 years old and in love with a fantasy? I mean this is crazy. People kill people because of this. I want to be rid of this. Please help. Ive been depressed since I met him. Ive lost a great career and friendships and now Im thinking its all because I cant let go and still have so much hope.
I view limerence as a kind of dissociation, rather than a depression. It’s like a kind of ethereal state that we can go into, sometimes even subconsciously, to protect us from reality where trauma wounds threaten to resurface
@user-yo8vj9on3g beautiful comment! 🥰
yes, i agree
I also agree. I noticed this year that when stress gets overwhelming I use limerent fantasies as an escape into a “better reality”
omgg yes!! Thank you, I feel so understood (as I'm sure a lot of others do). People are like 'just stop imagining things that cannot be, it doesn't help you'.. but my brain thinks it does, and depending on how dissconnected from reality I feel, the more I could waste hours in a ruminating loop of rewriting past experiences in my mind and imagining my life had they been as I 'should' have xyz.. sigh.
Yes
Limerence is an addiction, it gives you a dopamine hit, it helps you to keep it together and still be alone coping. An invisible drug/coping mechanism.
At the moment I’m trying to fall in love with myself, every time I fall into the daydreams I imagine I’m appreciating myself, interested in myself. It’s helping
Yes, limerence is definitely a coping mechanism.
That’s a cool way of dealing with it. I’m gonna try it too.
Wow this perfectly describes me with my ex. I think it’s breaking away now. He doesn’t seem as glossy anymore.
The more I keep reading these comments on limerence, the more I realize I have a severe disorder because of all my thought patterns. The way I constantly rewind, looking back at past experiences, failures, wishing I could change so much. How falling so intensely into limerence now, would just be the most complicated issue I so did not need.
Yet here we are... Am I better person beecause of it?? Probably not. But trying to learn from it.
@@RubysDude You're not alone, mate. Take care.
Love addiction is real. Peace to all. Love thy self.
Amen
Limerence isn’t love
Amen
It is. Thankfully I found recovery 🙏
ironically, it's not even love
It's really important to see the connection between rejection and obsession. When I review my limerent obsessions, it really isn't limerence at first with the person. I can always pinpoint it to a point or period of rejection. The problem is this is hard to see because rejection usually doesn't come explicitly. Being left On Read is rejection. Not having someone reciprocate conversations or interest level is a rejection. Seeing someone with someone else or flirting with others is essentially a rejection. And for me, those moments change the dynamic of what was initial interest into obsession. Especially if you still think you have a chance. But it is helpful to see that cause there was a time when you knew and liked this person normally and it wasnt an unhealthy obsession, and that's a good perspective to see it's not really that person youre obsessed with but a bizarre chemical response to rejection by someone you desire.
Thank you. That's really helpful.
Thank you for this
That was really helpful
Thank You for your sharing
If I helped anyone even for a minute I'm grateful. But if you're in a real bind on obsession, a cold shower does the trick for me. Uncomfortable as all hell but anything to just dislodge the obsession for a second gains a ton of clarity. All you need is that brief second of not thinking of them sometimes to realize you dont have to be gripped by this
The way I see it, limerence is a symptom, not an illness in itself. What kind of person do you develop these crushes on? What do you see in them? Some people get obsessed with those who give them kindness, others look for excitement or any number of other things. We need identify those needs and fulfill them elsewhere, ideally maybe not all in the same place. If you're lost in the desert, of course you're gonna get obsessed with the only oasis. The answer is that humans can't live off of sand, so if we are to stop obsessing over a water source we need to go somewhere where water is plentiful. But if all you've ever known is desert, the whole world can look like a big desert.
For me it's safety, security, unconditional love. A life where I was in a team with someone who cared, who smiled, who stood by my side.
Thanks for sharing, it kakes a lot of sense for me.
That was well said. Right now, my whole world feels like that desert. The only oasis is this LO, I work with, who gives me the dopamine high I get, just by looking at her. Even better when she looks up at me. It could be no more than a minute out of my long day, that I see her. But just to see her, in what I see as God's Masterpiece, is what gets me through my day. She is my everything and when I see her, I am in another dimension. This is intensity I didn't ever fathom, could exist. But I see why I do it and it's all part of an addictive cycle I've always had. My story is complicated and long and even tragic to a degree, but I'm working through this. So thank Christ for this forum and those I can share with.
Good analogy
"a charismatic addict" That's what I would call my handsome, charming profoundly emotionally codependent father, always using all the women in his life for emotional support. He took his hits from women who thought he really was interested in them in return. Codependency can be very slick and harmful, not just a dependent limerence.
yes i think a lot of covert narcissists get addicted to charming people and see it as a victimless crime like fishing and throwing them back.
I mirror that comment, in regards to my father
I am learning now at 44 that THIS is my real diagnosis. CPTSD (that one, I already knew) and limerance. I don't think I was ready before to hear it. I am happy and so grateful, because I can FINALLY move forward in my life, after a lifetime of emotional and mental suffering and instability that only seemed to get worse with time. I had come to the conclusion I was doomed!. I am so sorry for all of us traumatised adults who did not have a chance as children to develop in a healthy way. But you are sharing with us a real possibility to have a shot to happiness. And many of us have been deadly trying all of our lives, and failing at it, but here we continue and today, I see a new possibility that makes total sense. Thank you Anna ❤
So true !
You are way more helpful than years of therapy. Thank you!!!!!
Happy to hear it! We're rooting for you! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Thank you Team Fairy. I learned a lot from your channel.
My mom hit me as a baby while nursing. She said I bit her and smacked my nose then put me on a bottle from then on. First of many ways she shown she didn't want me. She enjoyed sharing that story all my life. Second she wanted a boy not a girl. Her next one was a boy. The golden child.
🙏
jesus 😢
She may not have wanted you but God wanted you
So sorry to hear this😔
I'm amazed how mean mothers tell their evil behavior and people find it funny. My mother bragged about how when her children were fighting (some one started it) she would hit each of us because she didn't have time (or interest) to find out why we were fighting or who started... and people laugh about it. People find it "smart" and funny. It's a shame.
I’ve struggled with limerence since I was very young. I was beaten until I had blue welts by my Dad for having it. I had taken on my parents’ incompatibility with each other. I was shamed for being limerent,and told I was a heathen because of it. My parents thought I was in need of psychiatric treatment at 7 years old. The 1960’s were not good. I’m in a better place now. My parents have passed. I look forward to being with people and helping them.
my god...could limerence really apply to a child? Surely that's what you call a crush as they are still developing? Im so sorry, I can't imagine how adults could have looked at your little innocent face and treated you that way. I hope you are able to rebuild now
A lot of times, kids are just a happenstance. Whether they’re planned or not. Parents think they are prepared for “parenthood “ but the kid just gets in the way. Long story short, I am extremely thankful that my sister didn’t go through that.
Seems my parents refuse to die.
Get this: He's been Sitting Alone in his cheap house since the 80s on disability. Smoking consistently. Stroke in 91. Still this 70+ abusive Psycho lives. and Then! Won a $1mill lottery in 2014.
This 👆 is what I call a fallen world.
@@supercoolyguyyeah I know LOTS of people like that. Pure assholes that contribute nothing but grief to those around them yet seem to be blessed in all aspects with talents, gifts or money.
There is no logic and there is no fairness. Once I accepted THAT it all mattered less hahah
I struggle with limerence a big way.Neglected in the childhood left me with the scars for life.I get attached quickly and struggle to let go fantasising about the person who has permanently left my life and the only way to overcome it is by attaching myself to someone else .I'm feeling desperate to have a mature healthy stable relationship as tired of giving my time and energy for the wrong people
Fuck I relate
Dang I relate to this 💯
PS: Anna, in this video I also learned that tough love is "telling the truth in an assertive and loving way" and not "using your past mistakes to tell the truth in an aggressive/hurtful/egotistical way". Thank you so much for that! ❤
I want to start to be more assertive and loving and kind with my people and myself, so I don't become an enabler for my friends and family
I'd always suffered from love addictions and thought it's some personal and weird problem that will never go away, these videos have lifted such a heavy load off my back, I now know where all this stems from. I'm confident and self aware, keep doing this good work. I hope to help others one day just as youre doing
Wow, that's amazing! So glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Limerence makes me oddly comfortable. It’s all I’ve ever known and I don’t know how to let it go
Learning to love yourself .. It is the greatest love of all...
I remember feeling extreme limerence about six years ago. At the time I think I had functional depression. I lived alone, slept a lot, and struggled to get up for work. I was dating someone when the limerence started for someone else. He was unavailable and admitted as much. We semi-dated, but he would ignore me for weeks at a time. I believe this just made it even more intense. Seeing him was painful as I knew he’d disappear afterwards. I felt flooded with dopamine(?!) every day. It was distracting but felt good. I eventually ended it for my own sake and realised that although I couldn’t be with him, I was just happy and relieved I’d felt something for someone again. I didn’t realise how toxic and stupid it was at the time.
Not stupid, dear. It happens.
I've been depressed and I had a texting friendship where he started flirting. It felt dangerous but as I was getting more and more depressed and had nothing to look out for his messages were for me the only source of feeling appreciated, seen, liked. I said to myself well for now it's more inportant to feel a bit better so if that it is by fantasizing than that's ok. I did worked on getting out of my depression but the longing started to feel overwhelming and painfull. I couldn't move on so I confessed and he rejected me which I anticipated since he didn't want to mert up althow it also got me confused. Cause he started all the flirting and all that. I thought I could move on but the heartbreak was also intense and felt like a step back into depression. But I seemed to manage.. I was putting myself first and had no contact. Untill he texted me that he regretted his choice to reject me. That he had feelings for me and didn't know it. But he seemed garded and I didn't trust him. And yes when I tried to plan a date he gohsted me for a few days and then said he wasn't ready yet but was working on himself. From that point I couldn't move on.. I felt stuck in heartbreak and hope. Anyways I feel depression defenatly makws us more vulnerable for attention and limerence. I am fearfull avoidant and I've seen how this played a huge part in this dynamic between us. But also how blind I was for him not even want to meet up.. It was all words. After months he contacted me again. He started flirting instantly. And before I knew it I felt the butterflies again and was full on back in the hope for more. He said he didn't want anything at the moment anymore but he still thought it was a possibility for the future. That to me was exactly prove of his egotistic motives. As before it seemed he really wanted it but wasn't ready now he plainly confessed he wasn't into me but liked to keep me on a leash. I blocked him and 6 months later I still think of him time to time as he has been connected to so many thoughs, I still miss him. But I also know I did the right thing. I feel I finally am doing mentally better, physically too and have worked on my attachementstyle. In the new year I am ready to meet new people and start believing in real love. No more fantasies for me, I deserve someone who is there for me as I've always been there for others. And someone who wants to see me and is putting efford in making that happen. Just wanted to share my experience with you as I believe it is something human and we should forgive ourselves and be glad it teached us a great lesson in what we are worthy of. ❤️
@@user-js4mt1nr2y Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you find someone special.
It's not stupid! It's a trauma response and form of mental escapism and projection. You realizing this is extremely intelligent and self aware. Took me about 8 years to do the same!
@@user-js4mt1nr2y thank you for sharing that. Your story is extremely relatable
God, Anna, your timing is perfect yet again. I have been a complete mess since finding out last week that my ex remarried. I am so filled with regret and guilt over driving him away, and, at the same time, I feel so much rage at him for cheating. Then I blame myself for driving him to cheat. I don’t know what to do with all the emotions I’m experiencing, particularly the feelings of abandonment. I’m doing the daily practice and am hoping it will start helping soon. 😢😔
Girl you probably know this but if he cheated on you he wasn't the one for you, nor did you drive him to cheat. You deserve someone who will never cheat on you or make you feel like his mistakes are your fault. Wish you the best!
@@SomeBody-ce3gq Thank you. Yeah, you know it with your head but getting it through the heart is the hard part, lol. But I know you’re right.
@@designchikI get it. But Anna is right. Once the root wound starts to heal? The regret and the feeling of being gutted will fade. You’re gonna be ok. You’re in the right place, asking the right questions. Blessings to you.
You will get through this, but it’ll take time. Have you got a close friend who you can confide in? When my emotions are out of my control, I take time to write down all my feelings in a journal. I write down the good, the bad, and the ugly. I keep my journal in a private place where I can add to it and reread it. I don’t worry about my handwriting or hurting someone else’s feelings by what I write. Journaling hasn’t taken away my problems but it’s probably kept me from hurting myself or other people.
Good luck!
@@nancyellen8006 Thanks, Nancy. I don’t really have anyone, at least no one who understands why I’m so broken by this. Complicating things is that I was very damaged and hurt him a lot. By the time I got help, he says I killed the love, and that is gutting to know. We were together for 20 years and after the first year, he never asked me to marry him again. I don’t know why he stayed with me for so long; it certainly wasn’t love. I know that I’m going through what Anna calls abandonment mélanges, and it’s dreadful.
I was drowning in limerance all through the pandemic. More than two years. I was raised by cold emotionally unavailable angry parents. Thank you for such in interesting video. It makes sense. I'm almost 50 & my mother still requires constant praise. My father hasn't spoke to me in two yrs. The pair acknowledge nothing. Unmet childhood validation / being brought up as a fat child/ nervous breakdown at 18... today I'm extremely sensitive, I take rejection savagely personal & find it difficult to date. Excruciatingly so. I'm otherwise tall, healthy & might be on the verge of a job I so so want... a month ago someone new manifested me but suddenly withdrew... I was so unsettled by this . The OP probably wondered what is going on with me but she's highly intelligent & possibly understands.. my limerance prob frightened her... thank you for this
Limerance can happen when a child fantasizes about how their abusive and neglectful parents CAN BE in their fantasy world. You tell yourself "stories" that your mother/father don't hate you, aren't r&ping you, aren't selling you, aren't beating down, etc. You tell stories of how they do love you, but just don't know how to, so you just need to be more understanding.... because if you're just more understanding, they will magically show you how much they actually don't hate you.
thank you for this! I always questioned my crushes and why they always felt so intense borderline obsessive now I know there’s a word for it and helpful ways to cope
Limerence is looking for clues that they feel the same way trouble is they don't feel the same way but the feeling is very powerful that somehow they do. Sometimes I hate the fact that I ever met her, I hate the knowledge that she actually exists in the real world but cares nothing at all for me. Sometimes I think if she knocked at my door and said she was sorry for all the agony and the pain she had caused me my instinct would be to completely reject her to make her feel all the misery and loneliness that I have felt for over two decades. Whatever this twisted thing is it's not love.
Lol after 8 years if my limerent object came knocking on my door I'd be like k cool all is forgiven now jump into my arms!!
Sounds like an abandonment issue
Love is a battlefield.
as is not having it, also leading up to it
Thank you Anna! Wish I knew this 20 years ago... yes, I had lived in my own fantasy for years, and it took me a long time to realize that what I really wanted isn't what I really need. It is CPTSD thinking. Thank you for removing the confusion and shame. Limerence is indeed like addition, and a way to escape reality. Facing reality is probably the hardest thing to do, but it has to be done. ❤❤❤
I cried especially with the first one with the none I felt her so much 😢
Harsh truths but liberating
I can’t believe you’re not a therapist.
@@paulgauthier7033 I mean she keeps saying "I'm not a therapist."
I have the same background, and I'm experiencing limerence now. It's a horrible pain that I enjoy thinking about. If my leg was hurting, I'd look away but with limerence, I want to stare into the fire because I feel comfortable in the illusion. I'm using it to distract myself from other parts of my life so I need to address those things first.
What's very good to think about is that when I finally decide to do this, it means that I've learned self-love. Love to me is about sacrifice for the betterment of others. The 'other' in this is actually the higher part of myself.
What an incredible soul you are ✨❤️
Anna, all your responses were good but I was totally blown away by the 3rd video - what a well thought out and honest and well conveyed perspective of the situation for all parties involved. Also I am touched and impressed by the courage of every single person who wrote in and had their story told & examined in front of so many people. I wish them all the best.
I realised from another of your videos, that I was in limerance for this man who I was intimate with once. I made him into a fantasy to help me cope with overwhelming grief, with the lockdowns, and my own childhood traumas. I created this channel partially as a way to explore and express through art and music how I felt. Thankyou again for talking about limerance, as it is so common yet still relatively unknown phenomenon. I sincerely hope I can process the agony of these last three years and let go. I'm almost there! Thankyou thankyou 💖
Thank you so much for this video, it gave me an insight into my behaviour, I probably overlook neglect cases of my childhood. I'd like to share my story, maybe some people can relate to it.
I was seventeen when I met him on vacation abroad. I am from a big russian city, he was from France. When I first saw him, I knew we would have a fling. We spent 2 weeks together with our common friends there on vacation, we had adventures, hugs and our first kiss, it was the first one for the both of us. It was the first time someone gave me that much love and attention. When he left me to go back home, I knew it was the end and I would never see him again. Imagine having one more week on a little island, where a lot of places were shared with him. Imagine going back home where parents give each other silent treatment and I knew they stayed together because of me, but this fakeness, the toxicity that had place between the three of us choked me. I went back into my long-lasting depression, that I thought was just me being sad. I had straight A's but dang how lonely I was. I had one friend, but I was never really sincere with her. I was looking for love to happen with basically anyone, but I couldn't be in love, I couldn't think of me with anyone but him.
So I put our photograph on the wall, I kissed him on it everyday. I would text him very rarely, I didn't want to seem clingy. I wore the zip sweatshirt he gave me, I was sleeping in it. I would cover sheets in my school notebook with his name, wishing we would meet and be happy. I cried a lot and I cut my hands a bit with the first letters of his name. When I left home for studying in another city, it was the thing that kept me alive, I decided to enter a university in France. And I did it, I learnt French in 7 months. It was also the way out of my country, but I was too weak to deal with immigration. I knew he had a girlfriend and he refused to meet and talk. I knew he would. I left France 3 months later. I still miss this country but this time I know why, and not because of my dream of him. If I hadn't had my limerence for him, I would have never entered a university abroad. My limerence caused so much suffering, I lost several years of my youth to it. It still hurts a bit. Recently I caught myself in nostalgia, but having a healthy relationship is so much better than being in pain from love addiction.
Damn I needed this like months ago. I’m just now accepting that this guy doesn’t like me and moving on. Almost over it ❤
I understand what she’s saying when she mentions being picked on and sexually assaulted by a teacher. We must wear an invisible sign on our back that says “Vulnerable “ and predators are the only one’s that see it.
My sister and I were relentlessly picked on for being “ugly” and “dumb”. Though it didn’t end for me like that way. I worked hard as I could to not be seen that way, yet it was still the way I continued to see myself
Remember the old saying "An idle mind is the devil's workshop."..
This has been such good hard truth and helped me to fully accept that I'm experiencing limerance. It is so clear. I've been suffering so much even though I did instinctively tell him I didn't want him in my life anymore (my gut knew the whole scenario felt wrong as he has met a new partner) I have had an inner voice telling me I'm not a nice person for doing that and that its me that's been the whole problem. This has helped me to be kinder to myself.
Wow, so glad the video was helpful. It's so important to be kind to yourself, don't forget that! -Calista@TeamFairy
Saaaame
I get so obsessed after a break up but when I'm over it after several months or weeks, The person repulses me.
I just found your channel last night. You are such a blessing to me already and I can tell my life is about to change. I’m so moved.
Welcome!
This sweet person is hurting and confused from the loss of her mother. She is looking for someone to talk to, the guy is not the right person and it is clear he is not interested (take comfort in the fact you helped at a time he needed help - this is beautiful of you - now be that for yourself). It is important like Anna says to view someone who is in a relationship as unavailable. I would recommend writing the notes you want to write him, to yourself. Learn about yourself, and understand your feelings. Find new people to talk to. You believe in God, trust that God places you where you need to be to learn what you need to be the best you. You are strong and beautiful, best of luck! 💖💖
I'm concerned about Rachel's statement that she can't be her full self with her husband, but only inhabits roles. That was something that I did in my marriage -- subordinated the parts of myself that didn't fit with this person--and after losing myself in that way divorce was the best thing that happened to me. Anna, are you not concerned about that aspect?
I feel for this noble lady's struggle. Thich Nhat Hanh's story might be helpful. All the best.
What is his story?
Mostly I fall into limerence after a short relationship with someone who wasn't good for me, I start to fantasize about how things could've been if the person or me would acted different. This feeling that they never give their all to me leaves me wondering how they treat other people in relationships and probably they give them everything that I always wished for and I feel bad about myself. It's so crazy that I feel heartbroken or drawn towards people that I knew for such a short time, but after my healthy 3 year relationship, I had no limerence and was over it after couple of weeks. It seems so unreasonable to feel that way, I am ashamed to talk about it with friends because they could see me as immature.
You can talk to us about it.
This exactly how I feel
This has been so helpful to me! And the timing so perfect. I find myself longing to be seen in relationships and so angry when I’m not loved perfectly. It’s overwhelming. I do things that I wouldn’t consider to be normal for me and can’t think of anything else. I have been increasingly able to sit with the feelings but haven’t understood why they were there. Like the final puzzle piece listening to this made me realise that those are just old and desperate longings from my very unhappy childhood. Now I understand, it’s so much easier to be with those feelings and to make better choices. Thank you so very much! You’ve helped me enormously.
Wow, so happy to hear that! Thanks for sharing, we're so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Why is it so difficult to wipe out of our memory that kind of feelings? I've been going thru it for a couple of years now and I'm not able to forget that person. My major issue is the bitterness that remains inside me. I want to forget her for once and for all but I can't, don't know why or how. Coping with rejection is much more difficult than I ever imagined!
You're not alone.
Same here but with a guy. And to make matters worse, he treated me like something he scraped off the bottom of his shoe.
Yep, yep & yep. I know WE are the only one who can make us happy. I did that last winter, loved the feels, never did it before & let myself get hurt. I am woman, hear me roar!!!!
True 😊
Excellent - Most helpful.
Thank you for making the video - It is appreciated.
You're so welcome - thanks for being here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Limerence is a new term for me. I think that understanding what limerence is will help me see my life as it really is and focus on bringing something meaningful into it. For the moment, however, I am hurting the way that many here have been hurting. Now I understand that I have experienced limerence in many forms throughout my life. It is not my fault, but I have to make a change. No-one is coming to take the pain away.
This went away when my children were born...
As a child, I was the oldest and my Mother told me she didn't believe she could have given birth to a child like me. I am bipolar and she said at age 8 she noticed a change in me and couldn't feel the same way about me as she did my sisters, there was neglect towards me, not my sisters. They got love, but not me. This caused me to look for love and affection in other places, mostly boys and Men. I got older and was sexually abused and got romantically obsessed on a few boys and Men and that is where I found my value and still do. How do I break this in my life? These Men always know that I am vulnerable.
so sorry :( Healing, recovery groups, but first, trauma therapy and sexual sobriety. No dating, or sex.
This is exactly what I needed to hear 7-12 years ago but hey.. I’ll take it gladly now when I also need to hear it. Xxx thank you❤
Glad you're here now :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Oh hun SAME
3.5 years ago I first thought it was a blessing when I thought she might feel something back but then I realized it was a curse 🤬
Omg! A win. Saw this in my playlist. I paused like who then remembered when I was obsessed and felt low about myself. I no longer long for anyone/anything from the past. Now I cringe about wasted years and self sabotage. But…. A wins a win
Saved this…been through this…a good resource!!
Glad you found it helpful. Thanks for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you Ashley 🤗
Every day I wake up and hope it’s less and less…and every day I go on this roller coaster… hoping 2024 is better and I can learn to Trust myself.
I randomly found you as a recommendation. I find this to be completely interesting and thoroughly enjoy your feedback. I sadly recognize some of these behaviors in myself and didn't even know that this existed. That there was a name for this. Thank you. I've subscribed so that I may learn more.
So glad you're here! Welcome :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Limerance is horrible. The person I'm obsessed with is long married and has
been in a professional relationship for more than twenty years but at present
is a kind friend with very disturbing romantic overtones on his part. The vibes
are intoxicating but I am resisting this because he's mentioned his wife many
times, and I cannot figure out what their modus vivendi must be! There are no
examples I can refer to as my family are estranged and violent and sexually
absolutely twisted, as were many of the people in my life. I'm trying to keep
this man as a friend, but that's not what's happening. I'm at a loss.
You deserve credit for being a good person and not responding!
I feel like he knows what he's doing. For him it's a form of entertainment and for you....homework. Stay strong as you are, keep distance, change focus. You are a fine person!
Cut ties. Keep it professional if need be & nothing else. You don't want to open pandora's box (i.e., messing with a married man)
Keep going, Lucy. You can survive this. You're not alone.
I love your wisdom and your kind, non-judgmental ability to share it. We are blessed to have you share from your own experiences and not merely because you have a degree or a license.
Re: the second letter - it sounds like you and your husband need to get a babysitter and go have some fun periodically.
Wow. I can't believe how many letters you read that are EXACTLY how I'm feeling or same thing I'm going through or same things I have felt. 😮😊❤
I have discovered my issues I have and I beg to heal. I will pursue this in earnest.
We're all rooting for you! -Calista@TeamFairy
My husband of 22 years just left me after he was chatting with another woman online. He even told me that he knew I was vulnerable when we first got together and he knew he would be able to control me and my life. I feel like he is doing the same thing to this new woman because she obviously has mental illness also and on the mental level of a young girl. He wants total control. He still calls me every other day and tells me I belong to him and never forget that I am always his possession. I have known him since the second grade and I am not money dependent on him, but mentally dependent. My happiness is all wrapped up in him and I don't know what to do.
No contact and a restraining order thats what you need to do. You wont like my answer but been there, done that. Save your life and health
My estranged husband ghosted me.
I knew he love bombed me in the beginning then I clung on and didn’t let go even through humiliation and abuse.
Now he left since my bday he was violent and cruel. I had bruises on my arms.
I was in panic he said he wanted to come back but never did.
I haven’t been able to move on I’m tired I was fully dependent on him. He still pays the rent but hides from me and won’t speak. I really need the strength to move forward
I grew fully financially dependent on him as I grew very sick after Pfizer vaccine. I’m now in the stages where I can do physical therapy. I’m hopeful I can get over this.
I want to move out of this apartment where we lived it’s a torture.
Do not get any more vaccines.
You've already made progress so you just keep going! one step at a time!
** remember, patience is a virtue, Christina, & you *will* get out of that apartment.
Limerence has taken over my life
I hear you. You're in the right place and we're all rooting for you! -Calista@TeamFairy
Very good channel, really helpful for people in distress and without a compass to help them heal.
Glad you like the channel! Thanks for watching. -Calista@TeamFairy
I think you're right calling limerence a twisted form of depression.
I'm just now realizing this within myself, and i 1st experienced this @ 11.
25yrs later, and now i've resonated w/ the limerence as the most safe/perfect version of romance. Purely quixotic.
I understood years ago my obsession was inordinate, so i digested it instead of making a fool of myself pursuing someone i KNOW i'm not compatible with.
I'm rly tryna focus on cleaning up my spirit w/ a closer relationship w/ God, and i'm not healed enough for a real relationship, so a fantasy romance made up in my head is fine for now. I know it'll pass, that it isn't real, and not to rly feed the obsession, but just to watch my mind come up w/ these things is kinda entertaining lol.
You are healing when you can note that your mind is making up a bunch of problems ;)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Your videos have helped me tremendously.. I just wanted you to know that ❤️
Happy to help!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Had a short lived romance with a friends Ex , broke up due to friends jealousy.
Didn't persue her because she had a bunch of guys in her orbit and she lied to me about not having a boyfriend.
I know she still thinks about me , because she sent me a birthday text after like 7 years with no contact. I looked her up and she is married with a newborn.😮
Left it "on read". 💔
Even the name limerence makes me ill. It sounds like a evil thing. It kept me for years in jail and when I would feel it was gone it came back within days and I felt happy again for a couple of days. And now since yesterday I heard the word limerence and it doesn’t sound beautiful. I just don’t want to be the person who has limerence I need to take over my mind. My mind is playing tricks on me. I’m so done whit this. Y’all need to be extremely aware of tarot reading and twinflame things because those are ingredients for limerence
Yup! tarot & twin flame BS is a major trap!
I am learning SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH with your videos. Thank you SO MUCH!!! And oh my God, makes so much sense and yes, looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooots and lots of tears when you are healing. But it's necessary. 😞
I went through this 4 years ago when I quit drinking, but have not been successful in quitting my love/sex addiction. Thank you for the SLAA tip! Will be joining that tomorrow!!!
You're so right. There's some part of the brain that fills in the gap.
Man this was very eyeopening. I'd have a good one for you, my friend of 18 years became limerent for each other. Damn did it get messed up. I'm still trying to get over it, I imagine she is too to a degree. She would tell me all these things that no one had ever told me before. Then bring her boyfriend to where we work and hug and kiss him right in front of me then be confused as to why it upset me. Then she would get upset with me because I didn't believe her when she would tell me crap like "You're my forever, my missing piece, you complete me" etc. I'm your forever but you want to kiss the guy you said you didn't have feelings for in front of me? Man was it so messed up. But because I had childhood trauma I kept hoping it was real. And I think to a point she really thought these things. But she was never going to leave her boyfriend so, anyway. I could go on and on. My head is so screwed up by this.
Thank you Anna, you said so many important things and how they are connected to each other thst any therapist would be really jealousy! Thank you so much, Fairy!!
Break ups are hell. I would describe it as as bad as a heroin addiction it hurts that much and it is that addictive. Deep grief and despair is hell.. I often wondered how people get over divorce so easily. It takes me at least 5yrs for the pain to start subsiding. But stoping texting is like telling a heroin addict to stop your brain wont allow it no matter what you know to be true. I actually cant believe it hasnt. Killed me.
Thank you for you video it helped x
I have an bad abusive and abandoned childhood.
Idd likd to ask if its just women that have this?
Definitely not, got cheated on 5 years ago by the love of my life and never got over her. Have had opportunities with other women and turn them all down. No interest in pursuing a relationship ever again really. I think its likely to happen to whoever cared more in the relationship dynamic.
I think that often, by the time a couple divorce, the feelings are no longer running high - they're no longer 'in love'! The painful thing, I think, is when you're madly in love with someone and it can't be, for whatever reason. It hasn't got to the humdrum, take-each-other-for-granted stage - it's still at the stage where you're walking on air - the best, brightest version of yourself - and the LO is magical!!! I suppose that's Limerance and is so addictive.
Experience tells me im better off alone.
"Your sorrow and pain want you to manufacture, at any cost, the feeling of being loved." (To paraphrase you, dear Fairy.)
It's funny that you remind us you aren't a therapist, in this video: you have the most therapeutic approach of anyone I've watched! Even hearing you compassionately listen to someone else's story makes me reflect upon mine, and feel less alone: which does so much, to heal. So thank you... thank you, thank you!
0:13 22:52 24:51 47:45 57:46 1:09:58 1:11:59 1:16:39
This video is insanely important.
11:15 This is it. And then the moment she comes back to your life (drinking, smoking, complaining about her other ex showing up drinking and smoking and leaving this word) the fantasy pops. Yet somehow her coldness toward others makes the fantasy special.
The second story is why I'm so glad my best friend is gay. We hang out all the time and I love him second only to my husband. But there has NEVER been any romantic or sexual tension between us. We're like siblings, even twins.
I would never hide stuff about my friend and our interactions from my husband. He is fully supportive of my friendship and I'm very glad because my life is wonderful having these two beautiful and different masculine energies in my life. Opposite sex friends are not the problem, limerence is the problem. Hiding your true self from your spouse is the problem.
So what if a person is in a relationship with a toxic abusive person and can't leave or is trying to escape and falls in love with someone healthier but can't be with them because they can't escape or in the process of getting away from their abuser or in separation and waiting for a divorce. Is that limerence. Or what if a person is under contract of some sort and falls in love with someone they can't be with due to a contract is that limerence and not love. The examples can go both ways and be vice versa and with different dynamics and circumstances is that limerence and not love. Or what if you have an actor and an actress in a movie and in the movie they fall in love but they realize that they like each other and that the Love actually is true outside of the script but both parties are married and can't be with each other is that limerence or truly falling in Love. There's always limerence in the beginning I would bet that most successful relationships that are long lasting had the feeling of its too good to be true why because it is true. It's how both partners handle it when the endorphins settle back down.
To paraphrase the words of Jurassic Park - love, love will find a way! Limerance is reading more into the situation than there is, usually in response to a current/previous trauma. Its a self based love, where you are projecting what you would ideally want onto someone else, without them responding or truely feeling the same. The situation may remain static as the person actually gains the most "perfect" relationship if they cannot have a true relationship. This allows the fantasy aspects to continue, without the humdrum realities of life such as the dishes to wash and the food to shop for. If its real love, but the situation is complicated, they will work as a team to make it happen - raise money, seperate from current partners, cross states etc. They bring out the best in each other.
So being unhappy in love has a new fancy name - limerance. Nobody knows and will ever know secrets of the heart. Fell in love with someone who was close to you who was nice to you and gave you affection is normal human thing, and when they are gone you suffer.
Nah, you missed it. It's an obsession that is setting you up to lose.
Thank you. You're a lifeline. Bless you!!
Glad we can be that for you. Sending you encouragement - Ashley, Team Fairy
It's so hard to uninstall / quit the evil habit of warm limerence when facing the cold reality. Wonder if the constant being inside one's own mind / fantasy can make one mental, schizophrenic, bipolar 😢
cure for that -- serve others, work on self. Sobriety.
This is so hard. I am in a limerent thing with my married neighbor, who is also limerent for me. I cannot avoid him. There is no possible way. We have mutual friends and, well, I see him every day. I do not know how to deal with this. I want to take my garbage out right now, and I am sure he will come out if he hears me. IMO, the only way out of this is for me to genuinely stop caring for him, even though I see him and he feeds my limerence. I feel like I have no tools for dealing with this in spite of my years of therapy and 12-step meetings, including SLAA, and Anna's videos. Just drowning.
Of course you can avoid him 🙄 and stop giving him fxck me eyes. You can avoid the opportunity. If you weren't attracted to him, you'd find many ways to avoid him.
I had this when I was in my 30s. I now in my 60s. I 1didn’t know limerence was a name. I told my therapist about it, but they never addressed it. I thought it was an obsession. Also diagnosed bipolar, but never knew that others had limerence. I think I had a good childhood, I felt loved, so don’t know why I would get this.
Great videos miss anna...I guess a whole lot more people have this problem (cptsd)than I would have ever thought because these behaviours being discussed is so soo prevalent among us
I love the thumbnail 😍 it's giving Diane Keaton "Baby Boom" vibes.
Tik, tok, tik, tok.
The endless silence meandering over the sky, while the dimmy moonlight dancing over the desk. Beside the wardrobe lies her phone, yet, she no longer checks it; it’s too close to him, she can sense his eyes penetrating through the room, arriving at the very bottom of her head. Is about a week has she been like this, quite frankly, nothing else than wandering, and nagging.
Abruptly, she heard something, is the sound of the sneakers dropping on the floor. Who could it be?? Like the heart stops beating, as her phone slides off the bed. She struggles to stand up, but can feel the strength in her arms fleeing…there’s nothing more painful than this, she still manages to move 2 steps ahead.
Is him. Lord. what else can it be more pleasurable than seeing her ex?
His baseball hat, his same old jacket, for how many nights she touched, kissed! Haha! He looks even better now, as though his grin shines warmth and kind. Is you, bae. She opens her mouth, tries to laugh, tries to cry, but no longer can she: his presence made her breath harder each second, his eyes made her body caramelized.
She gave up, she only wants to feel him. Even if is just once…suddenly, his clothes shattered, his face dissolved. Fear start to eat up her sight, anxiety begin to devour her conscious. She tries to chase after where he vanishes, but only leaving herself again, within the tedious long night.
clock ticks to 12, tick, tok, tick, tok. But It’ll never advance this time.
I think if I didn't have the responsibility of taking care of my children I would have already ended my life. My codependency is so bad, I can't imagine my life without him, even though my life with him was hell...and I know it was. Just knowing that he is with another woman, but keeps telling me to fight for him is what makes me insane, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't function. He knows it, and him being a narcissist, he thrives off of my pain and suffering. This is my life.
Cut him off.
Simple solution for you👉Get under someone else
I dated someone for three months, really liked them and still do! out of the blue they text me on Christmas Eve and said they didn't think they were in the right headspace to be in a relationship or even cultivate a friendship. Since I was 'dumped ' I went on another date and found myself comparing this new date to the last one . I still can't stop thinking about this person I dated for three months and really wanted a relationship with them. I would have also been happy with just a friendship but they seemed adamant on no more contact - even though we got on well hence the shock to me of them ending it. Is this sadness a normal reaction or a side effect of limerence?
I faced the same thing. How are you now ? This answer would really help me !
فما رعوها حق رعايتها. الله المستعان. قصة محزنة على كل حال.
This is me!
should I not feel love? what is a healthy way to love? why must I detach from things? should I just not care about my life and just go through the motions? pretty much just say hi to the good feelings as they come and expect life to be more or less meaningless?
It's ok to let yourself become attached to those that will reciprocate that attachment. Look at reality as it is. Not better than it is, or worse than it is, so you don't get attached to the things or people that will cause pain by not reciprocating your interest.
In other words, a healthy way to love is to love in a way that allows others to be free, and accepting the reality of who they are and where they stand.
Obsessive love can be dangerous----Just watched all the NXIUM Vow documentaries, these women were sick with obesessive love over their cult leader, PLUS recruited their own sisters/daughters. Many lost 20 yrs + and went to PRISON.
Absolutely. raniere preyed upon previously damaged women & made them worse.
I see a red flag in the guy's increasing late answers to Sophia's messages. If it didn't happen to me, I wouldn't suspect he was playing games with her which I think he was.
This has been me my entire life.
What if I obsess about the person and when he gets near and wants to actually make things official, I pull away? It’s like I only want to suffer in my delusions.
I am experiencing this right now
thanks a lot for sharing
very helpful
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Some background, I lost my mom to murder when I was 17. My dad was an alcoholic who was in and out of my life when he wasnt in jail. I dod not enjoy his visits so why would I look for this in my life. Fast forward, If myperson is also a good friend, should we tell the person we are having a problem with this? Or will they just think you are crazy? I think Ive been going through this for 5 years. I thought he was my twin flame and I was the chaser and he the runner. I mean why does he keep coming back to me? Why doesnt he stop communication. Im 51 years old and in love with a fantasy? I mean this is crazy. People kill people because of this. I want to be rid of this. Please help. Ive been depressed since I met him. Ive lost a great career and friendships and now Im thinking its all because I cant let go and still have so much hope.
😮😮😮😮😮😮😮
29:22 my key point
It’s ruined my life.
Long ago ex. Cheated on me when I needed her most.
Seems every year around the anniversary I go into a spiral like this.
Hang in there!
Nika@TeamFairy