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There are people who act selflessly and never expect admiration or some other payoff: people who rsscue animals. Animals may clearly be grateful for kindness or extreme rescue. But they don't bestow money & fame or lavish public praise on the altruist who saves them. Of course i don't mean the people who make videos of themselves doing the rescuing & then post them on YT asking for donations. But there are lots of people who quietly rescue animals & never brag about it.
Narcissistic father has caused ongoing splits in relationships between adult offspring e.g how sons and daughters feel about their past and future with him. Thanks for your helpful talks
The gift-giving seems to be a means of manipulation and control. Like- "I'm gonna use and abuse you but here's a gift to keep you from complaining about it"
I have seen this often with the narcissists, they boast of the good things they do as though they want praise for it. They also do something weird when they are given a gift by their targetted scapegoat. As the scapegoat I was treated disrespectfully when I gave gifts. One time I made a lovely dinner for our daughter's family and the first thing out of my daughter's and son-in-law's mouth was irritated language, "we are not fancy people", as though I did something wrong in preparing a nice table and good food. This was their response every time I did anything nice for them. I decided to distance myself and now disappear to be able to avoid their anger toward me.
Call it over-kill with kindness. I mean it's one thing to help someone out but when one starts to overplay the role of "the helper" RUN. especially if the help is not needed, not wanted or even asked for or comes with the expectation of your compliance it's all bad because it's no longer help, it's control.
I went no-contact with a friend who basically bought the majority of my material infrastructure. Oven, bike, lamps and a brand new couch - everything came with an invisible price tag: I had to accept snide remarks, contempt, demeaning behaviour. For 3 years I've grown to despise myself and believe that I'm not worthy of any social relationships. It's been 2 weeks and clarity is replacing the fog. Thanks to videos like this!
These kind of people are the WORST and very hard to spot. I am currently going through the same thing with someone that has been a close "friend" for years. I only noticed all these behaviors recently and I am really thinking of how I can get out...
@@agbaya1000 No contact! That solution, however, also comes with a price. But the good thing about going no contact is that you slowly realize that you've known this truth about the covert narc for ages but you just wouldn't believe what your gut feeling told you. You might be on your own for a while, you might be caught up in financial woes as a result of this - but you will survive. I wish you all the best.
@@weenajensen4670 Thank you so much! Wishing you the best too on your journey of breaking away. I have not seen her in almost 3 weeks and keep coming up with excuses for why I cant meet. I need to cut her out completely. It's not easy as you said. She is one of the very few people I was very close to. I've had a weird feeling about her in my gut for years but I doubted them. I am going through financial strain but I will rather eat pot noodles than rely on her. I like many others have fallen on hard times over the last year. I lost my job and I started a small business, early days of that are never easy and it has affected my mental health. The altruistic narcissist wanted to offer to pay for my therapy as she has the means to but I declined after I finally figured out who she is. She also offered to get me a small position at the company she works at, a small company where she has a high position. I also declined because I don't want the role and I now know it is the perfect opportunity for her to exert further control on me. She was upset at me some weeks ago because a mutual acquaintance was having a bachelorette weekend filled with several activities of which she paid for one of them for me to attend. I told her thank you and I appreciate it and went for this activity. She asked if I wanted to come for the other activities and I declined cause I saw it as unnecessary for her to pay for the whole thing since it is so expensive. She kept pressuring me and nagging me non stop to attend. I kept declining and then she got upset. It was this point I realised who I was dealing with and put the pieces of the puzzle together from over the years. All the belittling comments, control tactics, constantly speaking over me, putting down my opinions or getting upset if we don't share the same opinions, constant complain of either how people are "not on her level" "people are "jealous" of her", "people don't appreciate all she does for them".. It was exhausting. I am so upset at myself for not seeing this earlier.
@@agbaya1000 try being married to it and wake up almost 30 years later don’t be hard on yourself it’s easy to miss this it’s so insidious many times and that’s what they mean by covert really soonest dangerous type because it is hard to see until you’re entrenched in their web! And even then you know somethings off but you don’t know what it is for many more years and therapist won’t tell you what it is cause unethical for them to tell you you’re being abuse cell is horrible I need the kids traumatized your traumatized horrible again don’t blame yourself it’s not your fault! This is their issue not yours
As a child I watched as my father visiting my recovering mother who was in hospital went to all the other beds in the ward giving good cheer and ignored my mother. It was so puzzling at the time.
I've known too many altruistic narcissists who use their altruism as cover and defense. Should the people they actually and secretly abuse decide to speak up about that abuse, the abused person is almost automatically discredited because the altruistic narcissistic has created an aura of unselfish saintliness around themselves. I knew one narcissist who was abusing me privately, tearing me down in words and deeds, who also told people how upset he was about our "misunderstandings", painting a picture of me as mysteriously disturbed. He was the elder in this case and I was a minor. Indeed, I was disturbed by what he was saying and doing to me. I fought back before sinking into depression and suicidal thoughts. I had to leave and go no-contact in the end with that particular social unit and it's one of the best decisions I ever made. It saved me. I struggle still but I know I made the right choice and that helps.
My neighbour is a ultralist narc defo. I have a lot of visitors, im sure giving me things like water soup 😁, is because she has to be seen as popular, also she needs to keep me as prey for her antics. They are money mad as well.
That special dinner story really hit home. My mom used to bake cookies and special breads to take to other families and she really restricted the sweets we could have, was really controlling around food. It used to really bother us growing up.
My mother was exactly like this and always used her checkbook to pretend to be the concerned with wanting to help others out of their dilemma, but in fact it was done to later manipulate, control, gain their allegiance and then gripe/complain about it behind closed doors. At a very young age I always knew what she was doing and that's why later throughout life her so called wanting to help was not accepted, but it only validated what I knew all along when there were those few times help was really needed and she'd say no.
Yeah, I know the type. She said then no because it wasn't under her conditions, she didn't control it. Everything was about her, not about you. You were always just part of her empire, you had no say in the matter.
Wow. This is just like my narcissist. She would would randomly send money to our extended family in our country to look like she was a super caring and kind person to everyone (she made sure it was not in secret she sent the money lol). But when I asked her for help to finish my last semester in college because I had run out of scholarships she told me to figure it out on my own. I don’t ask her for help anymore. She will gloat about how she helped me or worse act like I’m weak for asking for help.
My parents are altruistic narcissists, my father is the more harmless version who just wants constant praise but my mother is truly dangerous and “helps” everyone publicly but has abused or ignored me all my life.
Yes. This sums up my mother and worse, she would rope in my sister and me into the latest trendy charity that's getting lots of publicity, praise, admiration and all that.
💔 The hardest part for me was - still is - learning where to draw the line with giving. I’ve been in so much danger because of belief that says, “you must give to (take care of) others”…
I would kick that kind of mom rght in the @...moms are suppose to love protect and help a child grow and a mom s job never ends ..my child is my biggest concern and grandkids and in my life I can’t can’t can’t understand it when someone does not have the maternal instinct. Sounds like your mom was not taught well by someone or raised in a home where there was some things missing I don’t know but hunny you can’t waste the rest of your life looking back. Be the mom and grandma you didn’t have and I realize old wounds take time to heal but try to keep thoughts good my oldest wisest dad said ...don’t compare and don’t dwell ...and wake each day wth a purpose ...there s a world out there wth much to do. Simple things to enjoy wth loved one s ...bloom where you are planted and attitude is what determines your day well I don’t know why so many people waste time looking back I do the same thing and media seems to keep people dwelling on things that I don’t know just open up discussions but do they really do any good but I guess people need to relate and release. Namaste love and light to you. Enjoy your life and dad must have gone thru things too many people I met that seem to want praise came from dysfunctional things and try to learn from past so it does not keep you in a place of buried emotion s that surface in not healthy way s. And remember things that are good. Hugs.to you pearl girl ..be the change you want to see I often say to myself on days when life gets me down and make life better for those around you giving is also a big time key to happy living. I work in a hospital and there so many opportunities to give. It’s a good feeling that makes my often frustrating day much better. Well now I tired from typing lol thanks for listening to my words of wisdom ..
Also I am a very intuitive empathic human that does some very nonjudgmental things thru out the day because I sometimes feel driven by some force it hard to explain but an example I recently was on same path of someone older than me and I felt bad fir this person as many health prob brought on by addiction I knew this man was very selfish minded and did sone shady things but at this moment was facing some not good hardship s I kept pic him as a child and felt at some point he was an innocent happy child and I felt like I know this sound strange but someone up there wanted me to help this person well it feels good to give and I brought him some thing to take his mind off of trouble ( failing heart and lungs ) sometimes compassion is what we should focus on and I am not perfect by no means but giving and esp to my family is the best joy in my life and helps me in this life. It s too bad your mom was the way she was but hunny like I said. Learn from it and teach your loved ones the joy of giving but don’t go overboard lol well rise and shine and don’t look back your not going that way ..today is what matters and improving I know a person in my circle that struggled wth addiction and is 5 years clean ! I love love love it when people grow and succeed ! It what we on thus earth to do.
This was my parents. They spent loads of money and acted like a charity to non-family while I was living in hovels and struggling financially. I ended up having to shell out for their "charity" later on.
All narcissists are about power and status. Only their ways to get it are different. And they're always about getting, not giving, even if they use nice covers to throw people off. Giving is just a tool sometimes to get what they're after. They are about power and status because they have nothing else. Admiration and attention make their status and power stronger. They're filling a bottomless hole in their heart and soul by using others to feel good about themselves, and anything goes from wanting to be admired to feared. That power and status makes them alive for a while but it's never enough. There's no life and love here, and no flow, they need external sources all the time to extract these things from them. I always think it's no coincidence we created terms like vampires, zombies, living dead etc.etc. and that we have so many of such films nowadays.
@@taraarrington2285 absolutely seen that behavior-a public and private persona very different and carefully cultivated. Personally it feels a lot like gaslighting to me when I’m witnessing and/or experiencing both of those personas turn off and on in the same person. Seems they are most invested in reassuring themselves more than anyone that they are not actually capable of behaving in the shallow mean spirited ways they do towards some of the people in their lives.
Oh! My! God! You just described my mother! I once allowed her to persuade me to let her pay for me to have an MRI on my knee. She insisted on coming to the appointment and then told the doctor she was paying for it. She nearly always insisted on paying for meals out then moaned that I never paid for myself behind my back to others. We took her to corfu on holiday and she attached herself to a family with a disabled son. Then harrased them all week much to ours and their embarrassment. Alqsys when there were losds of people around. She crushed and castrated my father to the point where he became a recluse. She played the game of divide and rule, dividing all the family while playing the martyre. I so wish I could have known all this 40 years ago. It eould have made such a difference to my life 😢
As soon as I saw the title of this video, I knew that you would be describing my (very recent) ex. He is a firefighter who always seemed so much more interested in promoting the glory in his actions than the wellbeing/lives of the actual people who were saved - it was odd. Outwardly, he is most upstanding member of society, but at home, he treated me (and other family members) cruelly: selfish, rage, egocentric, lies, just vicious. No one believes me because he's such a "great guy", but I know the truth. I'm just glad I escaped, hopefully for good this time!
I’m married one of those great guys that turned out to be a daydream turn into hell and a nightmare where you have my parents fooled and everybody and my dad‘s company it was a mess!
Unfortunately, this is why truly loving and kind people get falsely accused and misunderstood sometimes of having an agenda. It's because of people like this.
Oh, how true. The worst narcissists I've met have always been the super nice sweet types with a lovely great smile. The annoying thing is that no one sees them for what they are. Truth is that personal likeability dictates how you will be treated in life, not how truly upright, good or sincere you are.
@@PotterSpurn1 I think it's a good idea to be wary of those who want to be "cool" and "sexy" more than anything else. There is one celebrity philanthropist I know of who places great premium on those qualities, and talks about giving a speech at the United Nations. (Clearly one of the highlights of his life.) He might be unaware of the fact that the United Nations is the proverbial "wolf in sheep's clothes". I saw a dictionary definition that defines the word "cool" as "the quality of being fashionably admirable and impressive". I am very, very wary of the whole idea of being "cool".
That's jy mother sweet and sickly through to nasty as hell. I hate the sweetness because it's a lie. The truth is she is bitter and contemptuous and treats with disdain! It's all a con
I no longer practice any religion, but years ago our parish priest gave us an exercise for lent: do something altruistic, truly kind and generous but tell nobody! Don’t even take the cost of a donation off your taxes. The actual lesson here was to understand that one benefits from doing good deeds emotionally and therefore total altruism is impossible - one can’t do a totally selfless deed because being kind or generous makes us feel so dang good. I found it a great life lesson. But for some, it was ultimately impossible not to take credit. THAT was very telling. I loved your video. Great clarification. Thanks.
I agree you do get the emotional feeling of being happy for that person and grateful that you were able to help them but I don’t think anybody should ever take it off their taxes or anything if they’re really truly doing something for someone else you shouldn’t get that free gift either which always bother me because that charity had to spend money to buy something just to get somebody to donate that’s crazy!!!
This describes my mother to a degree. For years I, and my sibs, couldn’t understand her virtue signaling with her deep, almost concerning, level of involvement with her spiritual community. Also, her neglect & lack of empathy for her own family. I thought at first it was her feeding her own mother wound, and her religious community gave her the purpose and validation she craved. I realized when she became increasingly passive-aggressive with my questions, gentle feedback & requests, that I didn’t stroke her ego the way the “church” did, so I was deemed not valuable and the relationship not worth repair. The pain from this was more acute these past 2 years as I was in personal crisis and lost much of my support group. While I respected her boundaries, I felt rejected, neglected and unloveable by her indifference and neglect. It didn’t seem consistent with her spiritual beliefs and practices. This woman has completed a seminary degree and prizes spiritual growth, but fails to walk the talk in her most immediate circles.
Brilliant at explaining this type of narcissist ...iv had one in my life and it took years to see behind the good deads ...I can relate to everything you have said !
If someone really, truly wants to help or donate (just for the sake of help, with pure, good intentions), they will never ever 'advertise' it. They most often do it anonimously. If there's a big show around charitable actions, it's suspicious. It reminds me of my narcissistic mother-in-law, who is recognized as a true Christian, almost a saint... After helping people, she starts her self-polishing advertising campaign, smears them behind their back and reveals their sensitive, personal information. It's inauthentic and disgusting.
I mean, I'm just some godless secular humanist trying to be a decent person... but I'll admit that the bible does hold some pearls of wisdom. One that more "True Christian TM"s should pay more attention to is Matthew 6:1-4: "Be careful that you don’t do your charitable giving[a] before men, to be seen by them, or else you have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. 2 Therefore, when you do merciful deeds, don’t sound a trumpet before yourself, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may get glory from men. Most certainly I tell you, they have received their reward. 3 But when you do merciful deeds, don’t let your left hand know what your right hand does, 4 so that your merciful deeds may be in secret, then your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly." www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+6&version=WEB
“So when you make gifts of mercy, do not blow a trumpet ahead of you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be glorified by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full.” Matthew 6:2
This describes my aunt very well. I suspect that with all aspects of narcissism there is a spectrum of behaviors so that some individuals are more subtle than others but still that element of narcissism is at play. I am embarrassed to say that it took me until my mid thirties to break free from my aunt’s financial support. Her generosity always came with strings attached. As a natural born people pleaser I was easily manipulated. I am thankful that I have learned to set boundaries but it’s been a stressful and sometimes painful process. It really is ok to say “no thank you” but some will punish you for that one way or another. Very helpful information...thank you!
Laura M i too am or was a people pleaser, and looking back was very easy to manipulate. I guessed i didn't understand boundaries, I hear everything you say feeling like I had to say yes ir be punished. I was brought up with being told do as I say not as I do. I was never hungry or cold but I just don't feel I got the emotional needs met (hope thst doesn't make me woke!) Also told I was too sensitive... Darren F Magee I just don't understand my family, its really complicated
Oh my gosh! This is me! I’m 34 and I was weaseled into moving into my aunts house and slowly she made me financially dependent on her to the point where I felt I was incapable of being a full functioning adult without her help. I’m the middle of untangling myself from her and your comment gave me so much hope. Yay I’m not the only one in my 30s figuring this out (and from a family member not a romantic partner).
Very good video. More attention should be paid to this type of narcissist. They tell everyone what they've done so well and they hope everyone will say yes, great of you. They exaggerate how sick a person is, - they know better than the doctor - how badly he behaves, how dirty he is. If you listen closely, you won't hear a word of empathy for the person they're helping. With an audience, they behave with empathy when the person they are going to help is there with a lot of overacting, but once the person is out of sight, they talk condescendingly about him. You don't want to be helped by someone like that at all, if you know how they talk about you when you're not around.
great video. Altruistic Narcissists might very well be among the most dangerous folks around. Society as a whole has a pretty broken idea of when altruism is healthy. As a result, they get a free ride as everyone around them falls for how good they look. Meanwhile, they are only seeking power and control. Also, the 'altruism' that they are practicing generally comes not at their own expense, but at the expense of others. When they have run out of all other choices, you will become their next sacrifice for the 'greater good'. This gets even more dangerous and horrifying when it is co-morbid with borderline personality disorder. Having grown up in that world, I have become pretty carful with altruism in general. I refuse to sacrifice others, at the same time I refuse to be sacrificed. That is not to say that I am unwilling to help other people. I am picky, I have rules. I prefer to remain as anonymous as possible. I only help those who are helping themselves. There are plenty of folks who are in crappy situations as a result of the universe having a laugh at their expense.
I am just figuring this out and I’m in my mid-40s and yes we become the laughingstock‘s the ones that don’t want to do for ourselves the lazy ones. I don’t think going to college and getting a degree is lazy and I barely sat in my furniture during the whole pandemic and it was brand new I was always doing something.
Typically the vulnerable for a little kids doesn’t matter who it is it’s always somebody that doesn’t know how to do anything and it’s like why do you ask them to help you if you’re gonna complain about it
Your comments resonated with me remembering one of my father’s altruistic deeds. Him getting paid and buying our struggling neighbours take out - not even inviting me to join them. I was 12 then seeing them from outside sitting around their kitchen with him. It really upset me back then but didn’t understand it until decades later.
Thank you for these most insightful angles on the various narcissist types. After reading and studying this for years to understand why my own shortcomings blinded me to making a life with such a partner, I think your and many other specialists’ interpretation of both the covert and the altruistic narcissist is what I was dealing with and still challenged by. One well known specialist’s most stern warning is to forget explaining one’s experience with such a person to anyone else as one will not be believed. And I think your description of both these types in combination is why the outside camera audience has a perception in total contrast with the one one lives with at home. My father too used to say that generosity starts at home and the absence of this on such a grand scale gnawed away at my confidence in sustaining the relationship and family around this. But it was the major clue that kept my resolve in eventually extracting myself from this toxic dance. To my mind and experience, that suppressed passive aggressive energy can be summed up as a Uria Heap presentation. It is incredibly dangerous and misleading and the sooner one realises that it does not change and that one needs to create strong boundaries to keep it out, the better.
These types are all over that Farcebook constantly gathering up for themselves attention and praise by collecting money for their causes, but behind the scenes some of know exactly who and what they really are.
An altruistic narcissist has forced his way into my Alzheimer’s mother and My relationship. He’s easily gaslighting her. He’s her hero, she can’t manage to stay in her home without him, he holds her hand. My mom has caregivers but he doesn’t respect my boundaries that he stay away when they are with her. He sits at her house all day every day. Living solely off her money, food, cigarettes. Yet he is a 50 yo with a drug history and provides no support or attention to his five children. He wants his church / rehab to know he’s such a great person to aid this old lady. In truth he’s only preventing her from going to a senior home where she would have great care and medication she needs. He knows if she leaves he will be removed from her home. I am trying desperately to get him away from her but she won’t give her ‘hero’ up. So I wait for a hospital admission so I can then have her transferred to a home. Her Dr is 100% behind this also.
Thank God the doctors behind it he can say that they don’t feel that she’s being taken good care of because of neglect of a person that is elderly is against the law so they can say that she’s not being taken good care of and they can have her removed and put into a home!! We’re hopefully she’ll get good care some of them homes aren’t the greatest either and I wish you the best sorry to hear this!
This is the first time I have heard about the gift-giving! You just described what I have seen with mine own eyes! My late sister was “the nicest person in the world!” She was always giving elaborate gift baskets to those that helped her - her auto-mechanic, the people who groomed her dogs and especially the medical professionals who helped with her cancer treatments. It was quite the process too to give those baskets. She would present them with a flourish (“Oh, I just picked a few things I thought you might like/find useful”, etc) and then modestly insisted it was nothing, no effort at all. THEN, she would go through each item in the gift basket, explaining why she included that particular item. There was always a chorus of, You are SO thoughtful!” “No one EVER thinks of us like you do!” “Thank you so very very much!” “You’re our favorite patient!” She did it all for the glory. She lived for those comments.
My mother is one. When I was small, she would leave me in a chaotic home to go take a neighborhood to a weekly medical appointment even though they had a ton of friends. The irony is I had a problem in my foot and she let it get quite bad (I didn't walk properly for months before she took any action). She's constantly looking for someone to save so she might be considered a hero and more enlightened. People saw her as a martyr including me, but now I see.
I remember my abusive spouse would help others when HE wanted to help, not when he was ASKED to help. When decided to "help" someone it was far too generous and violated other people's boundaries with his sly charm. For example he would be out for hours shoveling out neighbor's driveways. He didn't ask them if they wanted him to do it. He would just do it. The neighbors would come out of their homes and say you don't need to do that. He would say, we wanted to do it for them. Then he would give them a big wave and a thumbs up. When he returned home he was mean, neglectful and tired. He complained to me about each of the neighbors and would lay on the couch and watch TV for the rest of the day. He expected I would have a hot, home cooked meal for him when he got off the sofa that evening and was prepared to be amorous until the wee hours of the morning. Praise God I am divorced from him now for three years. I finally live in safety and freedom from his harmful behaviors.
This video has just helped me to make sense of a situation that occurred many years ago and has haunted me ever since. Now, I see it for what it was. Thank you so much.
Any “good deed”the malignant narcissist ex was forced to do was never his idea to do the right thing with selfless pure intentions It was Always with conditional self serving self promotion ulterior motives
Sounds like my twin sister. She makes big show of donating to charity and pretending to be empathetic. It's all a ploy to get recognition and admiration. Behind closed doors, she is a hateful, abusive person who criticizes people she feels inferior to. Cut that "Karen" off in 2006 and moved on with my life. Of course, she smears my name to everyone but I figured the people she smears my name to will eventually figure her out as well, if they haven't already.
I've been living with a narc for 30 years. I always thought he was a covert narc then I heard that there was also an altruistic narc! It was like a bolt ⚡ of lightening out of the blue; my narc takes over EVERYTHING I try to do and that includes the house work!!. I'm also a type 1diabetic and I can't give myself any insulin without his diagnosis, e.g he does the math and tells me what to do. I'm now letting him get on with it because I know that he will start having a meltdown and let me know that HE does everything. That's when I tell him that I'm quite capable of doing my blood sugars myself... Then I watch his expression change 😊😊 at first he will agree THEN after a few days he changes his mind and tell me that I can't do it because I don't understand what I'm doing. He's also told people that he has to speak for me because I'm not very good at explaining myself. So am I with a covert narc or an altruistic narc? I can't make up my mind?. Also I've seen him try to do the same with the neighbors ( not with medication), he offers to lend some power tools then take over by telling them how to use them, I know this for a fact because I've watched and heard him doing it; he has also told me himself and doesn't understand why they reject him!.
had a family member like this. so much so that they helped people who were in the witness protection program! "how could this be" I thought, the family is barely together and everyone is at the edge of poverty. having a name to these personalities helped a lot in piecing together the fam's history on my own. as you know you don't just ask honest questions in narc families.
I had to move in with my parents for about 6 weeks while waiting for my apartment to be ready…I was paying them $300/month to stay and bought all the groceries while there…the one trip I to Walmart that I caught her talking crap about me and my sons not paying rent and eating all the food, was a $500 grocery trip….and im pretty sure I paid and not her….but to this day, my entire family hates me for being a freeloading pos…she still swears I never paid a dime! And I have no way of proving it because I paid in cash not thinking this would be a problem. They swear im lying about catching her saying what she did….at this point idc…im getting ready to go completely no contact with my entire family….I already don’t speak to my mother but the other evening my dad flat out called me a lying pos and told me I never paid for my home…which I most certainly did and lost my house because of the property I live in now….they want me to sign it over to my brother who is a junkie living with them still…he’s not my problem and it makes me angry im expected to give up my home so they’re rid of my junkie brother…
Great vids we'll done. 👍. I left my food shop a my "narc friends" house. She rang me(I was surprised by that) I said "oh thanks I was halfway home." I couldn't be bothered to hang about and left. Thanks again I said. I'm so glad I rang you, she said, yes, the medal is in the post. They really listen to every word you say. And use it later. They are the finest liars but do it very badly. They remind you of the slightest thing all the time of what you did that upset them. I would really hate to be like them. They buy someones clothes from charity and then ask for the money even though they did it without asking.
"Kill them with Kindness" is a phrase they use in charities and in the church. My covert narc ex was involved in both (no coincidence there) and would use this on me as just another tactic of control.
It's callous and not genuine kindness, like trying to make the other feel guilty. And it's a form of dishonest behavior and contradiction on the narc's behalf, which can lead to cognitive dissonance. But I guess that's okay with narcs because they are a walking contradiction
@@dontbelongherefromanother Truce as mine told me he didn’t feel loved but recently told me I deserve somebody great because I love unconditionally. Sounds like he knew exactly what he had! That’s why he stayed so long with me now he’s on the second one he was on the first one for the divorce was even done they didn’t last but a little over the year he’s got a new one in a different state Mrs. Texas
you made me realize that I met a narcissist on a date's app. we agreed to met at the Louvre (don't remember if I suggested it or if he did. at that moment, I used to go to the Louvre quite often.) inside the museum he insisted to go in the Egyptology part (which I don't appreciate, but he insisted so much). and then, every now and then he told me (too loudly) that this item was donated by his uncle, and this one he used to see it on a family shelve, etc. he was speaking loud enough to be heard by by passers. he embarrassed me so much that I decided to end it after the visit. if I appreciated Egyptology I probably wouldn't have noticed it this much.
Darren, I’ve just found you for the first time and watched this incredibly insightful video. You referenced it towards the end, but I was mindful throughout, the inexplicable link to my own experience of growing up in a community of religious indoctrination and its manipulations under this form of covert abuse.
Jesus called these types who label themselves Christian as wolves in sheep clothing, he describes another type of false Christian as “Luke warm” having no passion for God. So there are at least two types of false Christians.
I should’ve read the Bible because the more I learned about it some more that there’s some very profound lessons that are so true in life. I went to Bible school as a little girl but there’s so much to learn. I know I wouldn’t be here today without God’s strength it’s amazing after being drained of everything from a narcissist
@@Portia620 Thank you for telling this about your own experience! I'm sure it also helps a lot to be able to pray to a loving and just God, and to forgive. God bless and keep you
Yes my sons ex girlfriend talked me into selling my house and she would sell her house and we would join together an I did , my fear was to come to be homeless, she knew this , and I agreed to do this , I told the realtor my son and Diane can go pick out the home , an Diane took it along herself to leave out my son and she put her name on the house I paid for from the house I paid for , and now is kicking me out , . I put every dime I had in this house and live on ssi , not much at all , I'm lost I have no money to hire a lawyer, to fight. GOD BE WITH ME , IN JESUS NAME ., That I won't ever be homeless.
Oh my gosh! The same thing happened to a former coworker of mine! She & her mother shared a home she'd raised her son in. Son & DIL persuaded mom & grandmom to take out a second mortgage to help he & his wife buy a house, and they'd make the payments. They reneged on the deal and she & her mom got foreclosure. Another coworker rescued them, but the woman still treasured visits from evil son and family. 🤦
Wow! “Charity begins where there’s an audience.” I see this all the time in my urbanizing neighborhood, where neighborhood bonds began to break long ago.
I love your explanations!! It makes Soo much sense how and why they do what they do!! Thank you so much, it's truly eye-opening... And also thank you for your tips in your videos how to deal with them!! 💖
I still have stuff my NARC brother bought for me to keep me compliant or confused. Some advise to get rid but they don't bother me. I discarded him before he discarded me. He lives in Australia so knowing no one would contact him to tell him if I passed. I took advantage of the pandemic to go no contact or to leave him wondering if I had passed. Now he may either consider that to be true or realise he has been discarded. Either way I get to move on. Whether he does or not is for him to work through. I have escaped before he got to play his final end game as he had with our youngest brother. After he took his own life our NARC increased his efforts to destroy me later using our Mother's passing to launch his biggest attack. He would send our Dad hampers every Christmas probably believing he could get a big reward after Dad passed. However during a time of illness Dad expressed things that showed he saw through our Narcs behaviour. RIP brother. You are the one who is dead inside.
Would an example of this be, when a narcissist who is routinely broke and unemployed feels entitled to other peoples money because the narcissist likes to spend money on other people in the form of throwing parties and bbqs, when in reality they like being the centre of attention and having people tell them how good they are at cooking. When out of money they act like their actions are purely benelevant and that their generosity is the sole reason they are broke rather than their un employability and non existent budgeting skills?
Yes yes yes - the good man nailed it. That's exactly how I remember it. No audience - no good deed,not even a kind gesture,not a kind word - the audience makes all the difference. It's hard to believe there really are so many of these bottom feeders, but they ARE out there and I've developed a new sort of sense sniffing them out now. It starts when they introduce themselves - always in extreme ways. Either very glamorous - very "professional" or very very humble - but always unnaturally friendly and welcoming. The spawn of the Father of Lies
Yep, that family member becomes a servant, a marionette. Being controlled by manipulation and shame. Behind the giving there is big selfishness and behind that a power game.
@@Portia620 So sad!! It happens quite often and in the eyes of the outside world the bad person is the one who refuses to be grateful for such help and kindness ( even if they didn't ask for it or asked for something entirely different - it's never on their terms).
Hi Darren...just watched this excellent video and had to let you know how helpful it has been for me in identifying these sneaky altruistic narcissists that fly under the radar and are all around us! You are the best in describing their behaviours in a way that helps me understand what I went through with many narcs... always when I listen to your videos...the penny drops! I have an aha moment! You are brilliant at what you do....and make me laugh at times...which helps to lighten the topic! Thanks for all your hard work in producing these excellent videos!👍
You have just described my former room mate and a building manager that pretended to be a renter in my strata - they gaslit me and had me arrested - their flying monkeys were the RCMP and my psychiatrist!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr Magee.tgank you for your words and insight . Very helpful. I know one of the altruistic one . Truly helps people but the end goal I feel is the narcissist wants them to be dependent on them so that they can control. But they do not appear to ask for any praise but later may bring it up , when the other person crosses them in some way or doesn't do what they want ., I did so much how can you treat me this way. Listening to a lot of info on narcissism what I am experiencing is someone who is not taking care of themselves or their health , as I've created boundaries and not engaged , Like bring the ultimate martyr . They will not take care of their health what is this behavior ? cause it's hurting them in the long run, and they point out their symptoms but don't take care of themselves . ...and like I said , I see that it gets them attention and people look at them as the ultimate martyr but in reality it's also hurting their health . Can they go so far to manipulate or get attention and destroy their health in the process ??
@@alrinaleroux9229 you may be right . My dilemma was that can you go so far as risking your health to play the victim? . And the person is very capable of taking care of themselves . But they choose not to and then people feel bad for them .
@@ss-hm4ug OK, it's difficult to understand. Perhaps a false sense of security makes them behave in a more reckless, self-indulgent way. I think that is a temptation for me also sometimes, because there is a reason for consuming things that are unhealthy (comfort food, escapism, gluttony/hedonism).
my have had a close female friend who is exactly this video, she often gives money to the poor people in street, goes to church 24hours to pray,very actively in charity, in fact, all her doing are "shows", but inside, extremely evils, she targets me and did very evils things., im fact, they just prey vulnerable victims. horrible fake person
As soon as you notice them eating into the "Inappropriate Zone" (they won't start there, it'll seem innocent at first), SILENTLY consider your options and, if you are dependent on them in ANY way, deal with that first in such a way they don't know until it's over. For example, pack up and move out and mail the rent check, return valuables via certified mail, etc. If there's a timeline necessary make sure not to tip them off as you work at it. If you must lie to protect yourself, do it -- they have no interest in the truth except as they can use it to hurt you. If you have no dependencies, just cut ties and run. Don't let them suck you into defending, explaining, engaging, or personalizing -- block and ghost, or go low contact. There are so many better people out there. You don't need narcs (they "need" you).
Very informative, Darren. Thank you. You explain all aspects of narcissism very well. I better understand such personalities within my own family. Not being judgmental, but I have come to appreciate the small ‘T’ trauma in our family when I was growing up (according to Gabor Mate, I.e., the good things that should have happened but didn’t, e.g., emotionally distant parents). My two sibs compensated in my view by becoming narcissist, whereas I became an empath. According to Mate, these adaptations reflect the tension between attachment and the need for authenticity (healthy individuation). Given human children are totally dependent on parental engagement, the need for attachment t always ‘wins’. It has been a learning curve as I strive to have healthier and more meaningful relationships with the sibs. I am not that optimistic. Your episode on the ageing narcissist was excellent, too. Will listen to it several times. However, I can continue to work on self. Thank you again. Professor-Elizabeth
I greatly appreciate you sharing this particular type of narcissism as it is rarely talked about, as many others. This particular one has provided me with significant answers to my own personal experiences and I appreciate you sharing your work. Thank you.
Many times when I was pregnant or with a newborn, sometimes even without shelter! as the money dwindled to nothing because of my husbands expensive taste my husband would out of nowhere just give the rest of it to a homeless man without consulting me. It was so scary. I think he enjoyed the terror that instilled in me, and forcing me into deeper poverty as he basked in his self made glory
The family member who constantly repeats how much they are doing for other people…especially adult children to the point of total absorption and time so no longer available for anything or anyone else. Virtue and self sacrifice for the benefit of their own family. It feels like a serious stiff arm. I’m too busy every day taking care of my wonderful adult children and their children and their friends and their neighbors etc etc etc. Overwhelming-I have nothing to add to this conversation.
I wonder how this amount of assistance is actually good for adult children? All the daycare, taking to all the lessons, classes, school. Parents time out free days. Errands. Gardening, housecleaning, home repairs. Taking children with on every vacation without the parents. Vacation with the parents present too is so grandparents take care of the grandkids and their adult friends kids…these are adult kids with good incomes, two parents - one stay at home parent in both couples. Feels like overcompensating and exhausting. But the adult kids appear they are all in. And the grandparents believe they are serving. There is an evangelical Christian background involved. I’m weirded out by the intensity of offloading responsibility but I raised my kids partially as a single parent, without support, so maybe I just don’t get it. One of my sister’s is doing this over the top grandparent role and her husband’s family is a large extreme religious group she’s been part of for many years. She’s also furious about our parents neglect and abuse. In any case I cannot do anything but listen to the recitation of good deeds and how much they are investing in these relationships. In detail.
I saw a film clip once of Hitler visiting some kind of infirmary in Germany and putting on a false, supercilious, unctuous smile, pretending to be very polite towards the patients, while he was actually cold-bloodedly planning to introduce measures to have them killed ("euthanized" -- what is called "social cleansing").
My dad did that a few times when mom wasn't around. I had come home from work to find him cooking while my niece & nephew watched on. I thought finally he's turned a new page. Well, he just packed & hand delivered every except a plate full for himself. When he left I thought about giving it to my lil ones but then again I thought I couldn't have him ruin our evening so I started cooking dinner for everyone else. My mom as the main cook in the house has done this on & off but she always had excuses that didn't seem far fetched but now that I look back it's obvious she was trying to up her image & polish her reputation meanwhile leaving us to feed on left overs from that cooking session & from dinner the night before. It's strange how as empaths we always tend to fall for it & not analyze the situation at hand. 💯 blind trust, especially from parents I'm guilty of.
My narc is so lazy he even takes credit or glory for other people's achievements, for example if I cooked a meal, he would dish it out as if he made it or it is thanks to him, when our children accomplish something he would take over and glorify himself, or when he sees a singer or musician who is succesful he starts to believe that could be him or that he discovered them, and he should be their manager....
I have parkinsons. He has provided me with a house beside his...brings coffee, brings food...for years he has demeaned me, triangulated with cool friends, lovers, family and friends, even the animals as hes vegan and they come first, ( dont get me started with the new age hippy rainbow vegans...) stonewalled me, and treated me like this dependant, evil controlling ex. His empathy is cero. I could be crying in bits and he would look blank. Im sure hes triangulating with the new supply. I have to stay here as im sick my dog is very aging and theres a housing crisis...but im preparing myself to leave as the trauma bonding is raging in my body and his mask as fallen totally for me. I have to keep slightly friendly but the chemicals that flooded me at his crumbs dont work. I strive by any means to keep me aware of the truth. Thank u dr.
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Some of this is flat out spiritual abuse. Could you address this devestating issue, please?
There are people who act selflessly and never expect admiration or some other payoff: people who rsscue animals. Animals may clearly be grateful for kindness or extreme rescue. But they don't bestow money & fame or lavish public praise on the altruist who saves them. Of course i don't mean the people who make videos of themselves doing the rescuing & then post them on YT asking for donations. But there are lots of people who quietly rescue animals & never brag about it.
Narcissistic father has caused ongoing splits in relationships between adult offspring e.g how sons and daughters feel about their past and future with him. Thanks for your helpful talks
Do you have a video on a NARC using the silent treatment after a disagreement?
Would love to hear your response to my question
The gift-giving seems to be a means of manipulation and control. Like- "I'm gonna use and abuse you but here's a gift to keep you from complaining about it"
They always do that
exact
Yep
“Here! I got u something! I love u! Now go away!” Is how a lot of parents show their love to their children
They want to keep you- so they find a way.
Charity begins with an audience - you are so right
True charity is something you don't need to blast on Facebook. True charity is done on the down-low.
"Villains who twirl their mustaches are easy to spot. Those who clothe themselves in good deeds are well camouflaged..." - Captain Jean-Luc Piccard
Nice work!!!
I was hoping it was Ian Paisley. Drat.
"I am also here but not sure why." - Will Wheaton
I have seen this often with the narcissists, they boast of the good things they do as though they want praise for it. They also do something weird when they are given a gift by their targetted scapegoat. As the scapegoat I was treated disrespectfully when I gave gifts. One time I made a lovely dinner for our daughter's family and the first thing out of my daughter's and son-in-law's mouth was irritated language, "we are not fancy people", as though I did something wrong in preparing a nice table and good food. This was their response every time I did anything nice for them. I decided to distance myself and now disappear to be able to avoid their anger toward me.
Call it over-kill with kindness. I mean it's one thing to help someone out but when one starts to overplay the role of "the helper" RUN. especially if the help is not needed, not wanted or even asked for or comes with the expectation of your compliance it's all bad because it's no longer help, it's control.
Truths!
I went no-contact with a friend who basically bought the majority of my material infrastructure. Oven, bike, lamps and a brand new couch - everything came with an invisible price tag: I had to accept snide remarks, contempt, demeaning behaviour. For 3 years I've grown to despise myself and believe that I'm not worthy of any social relationships.
It's been 2 weeks and clarity is replacing the fog. Thanks to videos like this!
These kind of people are the WORST and very hard to spot. I am currently going through the same thing with someone that has been a close "friend" for years. I only noticed all these behaviors recently and I am really thinking of how I can get out...
@@agbaya1000 No contact! That solution, however, also comes with a price. But the good thing about going no contact is that you slowly realize that you've known this truth about the covert narc for ages but you just wouldn't believe what your gut feeling told you. You might be on your own for a while, you might be caught up in financial woes as a result of this - but you will survive.
I wish you all the best.
@@weenajensen4670 Thank you so much! Wishing you the best too on your journey of breaking away. I have not seen her in almost 3 weeks and keep coming up with excuses for why I cant meet. I need to cut her out completely. It's not easy as you said. She is one of the very few people I was very close to. I've had a weird feeling about her in my gut for years but I doubted them. I am going through financial strain but I will rather eat pot noodles than rely on her.
I like many others have fallen on hard times over the last year. I lost my job and I started a small business, early days of that are never easy and it has affected my mental health.
The altruistic narcissist wanted to offer to pay for my therapy as she has the means to but I declined after I finally figured out who she is. She also offered to get me a small position at the company she works at, a small company where she has a high position. I also declined because I don't want the role and I now know it is the perfect opportunity for her to exert further control on me.
She was upset at me some weeks ago because a mutual acquaintance was having a bachelorette weekend filled with several activities of which she paid for one of them for me to attend. I told her thank you and I appreciate it and went for this activity. She asked if I wanted to come for the other activities and I declined cause I saw it as unnecessary for her to pay for the whole thing since it is so expensive. She kept pressuring me and nagging me non stop to attend. I kept declining and then she got upset. It was this point I realised who I was dealing with and put the pieces of the puzzle together from over the years. All the belittling comments, control tactics, constantly speaking over me, putting down my opinions or getting upset if we don't share the same opinions, constant complain of either how people are "not on her level" "people are "jealous" of her", "people don't appreciate all she does for them".. It was exhausting.
I am so upset at myself for not seeing this earlier.
@@agbaya1000 try being married to it and wake up almost 30 years later don’t be hard on yourself it’s easy to miss this it’s so insidious many times and that’s what they mean by covert really soonest dangerous type because it is hard to see until you’re entrenched in their web! And even then you know somethings off but you don’t know what it is for many more years and therapist won’t tell you what it is cause unethical for them to tell you you’re being abuse cell is horrible I need the kids traumatized your traumatized horrible again don’t blame yourself it’s not your fault! This is their issue not yours
That’s my (soon-to-be-ex) all over.
As a child I watched as my father visiting my recovering mother who was in hospital went to all the other beds in the ward giving good cheer and ignored my mother. It was so puzzling at the time.
Yep! My brother did that with our mum.
So sad, i really pity your mother! 😓
I understand this very much.
Yup! I know this very well!
The Neglectful Narcissist combined with the Community/Altruistic Narcissist. It is SO hurtful!
If they do something nice for you ... you will then owe them tenfold, and will be constantly reminded of their "generosity".
Exactly 💯 percent
"Charity does not begin at home" this statement is sooooo profound
A wolf in sheep's clothing is right when it comes to these people! Thank you for uploading.
I've known too many altruistic narcissists who use their altruism as cover and defense. Should the people they actually and secretly abuse decide to speak up about that abuse, the abused person is almost automatically discredited because the altruistic narcissistic has created an aura of unselfish saintliness around themselves.
I knew one narcissist who was abusing me privately, tearing me down in words and deeds, who also told people how upset he was about our "misunderstandings", painting a picture of me as mysteriously disturbed. He was the elder in this case and I was a minor. Indeed, I was disturbed by what he was saying and doing to me. I fought back before sinking into depression and suicidal thoughts. I had to leave and go no-contact in the end with that particular social unit and it's one of the best decisions I ever made. It saved me. I struggle still but I know I made the right choice and that helps.
The ideas of Dr Joe Dispenza may help in the healing process. They've helped me a lot. *A lot!*
They give you presents you don’t need, weird presents etc. But ya. I feel this one.
Even used and that don't work.
They will will also UN-give presents if you don't "utilize them properly"...
@@NunYaO you are so right!
My neighbour is a ultralist narc defo. I have a lot of visitors, im sure giving me things like water soup 😁, is because she has to be seen as popular, also she needs to keep me as prey for her antics. They are money mad as well.
They will give YOU the gifts that people gave to THEM, because they didn't like them. That's why the gifts often seem weird and inappropriate.
That special dinner story really hit home. My mom used to bake cookies and special breads to take to other families and she really restricted the sweets we could have, was really controlling around food. It used to really bother us growing up.
My mother was exactly like this and always used her checkbook to pretend to be the concerned with wanting to help others out of their dilemma, but in fact it was done to later manipulate, control, gain their allegiance and then gripe/complain about it behind closed doors. At a very young age I always knew what she was doing and that's why later throughout life her so called wanting to help was not accepted, but it only validated what I knew all along when there were those few times help was really needed and she'd say no.
Yeah, I know the type. She said then no because it wasn't under her conditions, she didn't control it. Everything was about her, not about you. You were always just part of her empire, you had no say in the matter.
Wow. This is just like my narcissist. She would would randomly send money to our extended family in our country to look like she was a super caring and kind person to everyone (she made sure it was not in secret she sent the money lol). But when I asked her for help to finish my last semester in college because I had run out of scholarships she told me to figure it out on my own. I don’t ask her for help anymore. She will gloat about how she helped me or worse act like I’m weak for asking for help.
My parents are altruistic narcissists, my father is the more harmless version who just wants constant praise but my mother is truly dangerous and “helps” everyone publicly but has abused or ignored me all my life.
Soo sorry :( I can't even imagine how hard this must have been all your life .... and still is 😥
Yes. This sums up my mother and worse, she would rope in my sister and me into the latest trendy charity that's getting lots of publicity, praise, admiration and all that.
💔
The hardest part for me was - still is - learning where to draw the line with giving. I’ve been in so much danger because of belief that says, “you must give to (take care of) others”…
I would kick that kind of mom rght in the @...moms are suppose to love protect and help a child grow and a mom s job never ends ..my child is my biggest concern and grandkids and in my life I can’t can’t can’t understand it when someone does not have the maternal instinct. Sounds like your mom was not taught well by someone or raised in a home where there was some things missing I don’t know but hunny you can’t waste the rest of your life looking back. Be the mom and grandma you didn’t have and I realize old wounds take time to heal but try to keep thoughts good my oldest wisest dad said ...don’t compare and don’t dwell ...and wake each day wth a purpose ...there s a world out there wth much to do. Simple things to enjoy wth loved one s ...bloom where you are planted and attitude is what determines your day well I don’t know why so many people waste time looking back I do the same thing and media seems to keep people dwelling on things that I don’t know just open up discussions but do they really do any good but I guess people need to relate and release. Namaste love and light to you. Enjoy your life and dad must have gone thru things too many people I met that seem to want praise came from dysfunctional things and try to learn from past so it does not keep you in a place of buried emotion s that surface in not healthy way s. And remember things that are good. Hugs.to you pearl girl ..be the change you want to see I often say to myself on days when life gets me down and make life better for those around you giving is also a big time key to happy living. I work in a hospital and there so many opportunities to give. It’s a good feeling that makes my often frustrating day much better. Well now I tired from typing lol thanks for listening to my words of wisdom ..
Also I am a very intuitive empathic human that does some very nonjudgmental things thru out the day because I sometimes feel driven by some force it hard to explain but an example I recently was on same path of someone older than me and I felt bad fir this person as many health prob brought on by addiction I knew this man was very selfish minded and did sone shady things but at this moment was facing some not good hardship s I kept pic him as a child and felt at some point he was an innocent happy child and I felt like I know this sound strange but someone up there wanted me to help this person well it feels good to give and I brought him some thing to take his mind off of trouble ( failing heart and lungs ) sometimes compassion is what we should focus on and I am not perfect by no means but giving and esp to my family is the best joy in my life and helps me in this life. It s too bad your mom was the way she was but hunny like I said. Learn from it and teach your loved ones the joy of giving but don’t go overboard lol well rise and shine and don’t look back your not going that way ..today is what matters and improving I know a person in my circle that struggled wth addiction and is 5 years clean ! I love love love it when people grow and succeed ! It what we on thus earth to do.
This was my parents. They spent loads of money and acted like a charity to non-family while I was living in hovels and struggling financially. I ended up having to shell out for their "charity" later on.
All narcissists are about power and status. Only their ways to get it are different. And they're always about getting, not giving, even if they use nice covers to throw people off. Giving is just a tool sometimes to get what they're after.
They are about power and status because they have nothing else. Admiration and attention make their status and power stronger. They're filling a bottomless hole in their heart and soul by using others to feel good about themselves, and anything goes from wanting to be admired to feared. That power and status makes them alive for a while but it's never enough. There's no life and love here, and no flow, they need external sources all the time to extract these things from them.
I always think it's no coincidence we created terms like vampires, zombies, living dead etc.etc. and that we have so many of such films nowadays.
They don't do ONE thing without expecting some sort of return.
Ohhh that’s me
Transactional always
These are the kind of people who would help someone in need just so others could see how great they are.
@@taraarrington2285 absolutely seen that behavior-a public and private persona very different and carefully cultivated. Personally it feels a lot like gaslighting to me when I’m witnessing and/or experiencing both of those personas turn off and on in the same person. Seems they are most invested in reassuring themselves more than anyone that they are not actually capable of behaving in the shallow mean spirited ways they do towards some of the people in their lives.
These people will steam plow you to get what they want and then call you selfish
Oh! My! God! You just described my mother! I once allowed her to persuade me to let her pay for me to have an MRI on my knee. She insisted on coming to the appointment and then told the doctor she was paying for it. She nearly always insisted on paying for meals out then moaned that I never paid for myself behind my back to others. We took her to corfu on holiday and she attached herself to a family with a disabled son. Then harrased them all week much to ours and their embarrassment. Alqsys when there were losds of people around. She crushed and castrated my father to the point where he became a recluse. She played the game of divide and rule, dividing all the family while playing the martyre. I so wish I could have known all this 40 years ago. It eould have made such a difference to my life 😢
Praise His Holy Name.
As soon as I saw the title of this video, I knew that you would be describing my (very recent) ex. He is a firefighter who always seemed so much more interested in promoting the glory in his actions than the wellbeing/lives of the actual people who were saved - it was odd. Outwardly, he is most upstanding member of society, but at home, he treated me (and other family members) cruelly: selfish, rage, egocentric, lies, just vicious. No one believes me because he's such a "great guy", but I know the truth. I'm just glad I escaped, hopefully for good this time!
I’m married one of those great guys that turned out to be a daydream turn into hell and a nightmare where you have my parents fooled and everybody and my dad‘s company it was a mess!
Unfortunately, this is why truly loving and kind people get falsely accused and misunderstood sometimes of having an agenda. It's because of people like this.
A meal and an insult. That was a great story. Thanks!
I got burnt pretty badly by one of these. Almost two years later, I'm still dealing with the psychological damage.
I had a teacher once tell me that “saccharine is much sweeter than real sugar.” Watch out for the overly sweet people!
Oh, how true. The worst narcissists I've met have always been the super nice sweet types with a lovely great smile. The annoying thing is that no one sees them for what they are. Truth is that personal likeability dictates how you will be treated in life, not how truly upright, good or sincere you are.
@@PotterSpurn1 I think it's a good idea to be wary of those who want to be "cool" and "sexy" more than anything else. There is one celebrity philanthropist I know of who places great premium on those qualities, and talks about giving a speech at the United Nations. (Clearly one of the highlights of his life.) He might be unaware of the fact that the United Nations is the proverbial "wolf in sheep's clothes".
I saw a dictionary definition that defines the word "cool" as "the quality of being fashionably admirable and impressive".
I am very, very wary of the whole idea of being "cool".
That's jy mother sweet and sickly through to nasty as hell. I hate the sweetness because it's a lie. The truth is she is bitter and contemptuous and treats with disdain! It's all a con
Wisest comment ever
You have exactly explained my experience in the church.
They'll suck the life out of you in the name of Jay-suss
I no longer practice any religion, but years ago our parish priest gave us an exercise for lent: do something altruistic, truly kind and generous but tell nobody! Don’t even take the cost of a donation off your taxes. The actual lesson here was to understand that one benefits from doing good deeds emotionally and therefore total altruism is impossible - one can’t do a totally selfless deed because being kind or generous makes us feel so dang good. I found it a great life lesson. But for some, it was ultimately impossible not to take credit. THAT was very telling.
I loved your video. Great clarification. Thanks.
I agree you do get the emotional feeling of being happy for that person and grateful that you were able to help them but I don’t think anybody should ever take it off their taxes or anything if they’re really truly doing something for someone else you shouldn’t get that free gift either which always bother me because that charity had to spend money to buy something just to get somebody to donate that’s crazy!!!
This describes my mother to a degree. For years I, and my sibs, couldn’t understand her virtue signaling with her deep, almost concerning, level of involvement with her spiritual community. Also, her neglect & lack of empathy for her own family. I thought at first it was her feeding her own mother wound, and her religious community gave her the purpose and validation she craved. I realized when she became increasingly passive-aggressive with my questions, gentle feedback & requests, that I didn’t stroke her ego the way the “church” did, so I was deemed not valuable and the relationship not worth repair. The pain from this was more acute these past 2 years as I was in personal crisis and lost much of my support group. While I respected her boundaries, I felt rejected, neglected and unloveable by her indifference and neglect. It didn’t seem consistent with her spiritual beliefs and practices. This woman has completed a seminary degree and prizes spiritual growth, but fails to walk the talk in her most immediate circles.
they "attack your character if you are not exalting them"
Brilliant at explaining this type of narcissist ...iv had one in my life and it took years to see behind the good deads ...I can relate to everything you have said !
If someone really, truly wants to help or donate (just for the sake of help, with pure, good intentions), they will never ever 'advertise' it. They most often do it anonimously. If there's a big show around charitable actions, it's suspicious. It reminds me of my narcissistic mother-in-law, who is recognized as a true Christian, almost a saint... After helping people, she starts her self-polishing advertising campaign, smears them behind their back and reveals their sensitive, personal information. It's inauthentic and disgusting.
Agreed!
I mean, I'm just some godless secular humanist trying to be a decent person... but I'll admit that the bible does hold some pearls of wisdom. One that more "True Christian TM"s should pay more attention to is Matthew 6:1-4:
"Be careful that you don’t do your charitable giving[a] before men, to be seen by them, or else you have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. 2 Therefore, when you do merciful deeds, don’t sound a trumpet before yourself, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may get glory from men. Most certainly I tell you, they have received their reward. 3 But when you do merciful deeds, don’t let your left hand know what your right hand does, 4 so that your merciful deeds may be in secret, then your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly." www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+6&version=WEB
“So when you make gifts of mercy, do not blow a trumpet ahead of you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be glorified by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full.” Matthew 6:2
WOW, my mother is not religious, but she does the same.
This describes my aunt very well. I suspect that with all aspects of narcissism there is a spectrum of behaviors so that some individuals are more subtle than others but still that element of narcissism is at play. I am embarrassed to say that it took me until my mid thirties to break free from my aunt’s financial support. Her generosity always came with strings attached. As a natural born people pleaser I was easily manipulated. I am thankful that I have learned to set boundaries but it’s been a stressful and sometimes painful process. It really is ok to say “no thank you” but some will punish you for that one way or another. Very helpful information...thank you!
Laura M i too am or was a people pleaser, and looking back was very easy to manipulate. I guessed i didn't understand boundaries, I hear everything you say feeling like I had to say yes ir be punished. I was brought up with being told do as I say not as I do. I was never hungry or cold but I just don't feel I got the emotional needs met (hope thst doesn't make me woke!) Also told I was too sensitive...
Darren F Magee I just don't understand my family, its really complicated
Sadly we can at times tie ourselves up in knots trying to understand some people
they act as if saying no is telling them to fuckoff, and guilt you to death with it.
Sounds true!! Strings attacks.
Oh my gosh! This is me! I’m 34 and I was weaseled into moving into my aunts house and slowly she made me financially dependent on her to the point where I felt I was incapable of being a full functioning adult without her help. I’m the middle of untangling myself from her and your comment gave me so much hope. Yay I’m not the only one in my 30s figuring this out (and from a family member not a romantic partner).
Very good video. More attention should be paid to this type of narcissist. They tell everyone what they've done so well and they hope everyone will say yes, great of you. They exaggerate how sick a person is, - they know better than the doctor - how badly he behaves, how dirty he is. If you listen closely, you won't hear a word of empathy for the person they're helping. With an audience, they behave with empathy when the person they are going to help is there with a lot of overacting, but once the person is out of sight, they talk condescendingly about him. You don't want to be helped by someone like that at all, if you know how they talk about you when you're not around.
I love the fact you explained between good and right. What is right is always the principle to go by. Awesome highlight man!!
🎯🙏👍
Exactly.
great video. Altruistic Narcissists might very well be among the most dangerous folks around. Society as a whole has a pretty broken idea of when altruism is healthy. As a result, they get a free ride as everyone around them falls for how good they look. Meanwhile, they are only seeking power and control. Also, the 'altruism' that they are practicing generally comes not at their own expense, but at the expense of others. When they have run out of all other choices, you will become their next sacrifice for the 'greater good'. This gets even more dangerous and horrifying when it is co-morbid with borderline personality disorder. Having grown up in that world, I have become pretty carful with altruism in general. I refuse to sacrifice others, at the same time I refuse to be sacrificed. That is not to say that I am unwilling to help other people. I am picky, I have rules. I prefer to remain as anonymous as possible. I only help those who are helping themselves. There are plenty of folks who are in crappy situations as a result of the universe having a laugh at their expense.
I am just figuring this out and I’m in my mid-40s and yes we become the laughingstock‘s the ones that don’t want to do for ourselves the lazy ones. I don’t think going to college and getting a degree is lazy and I barely sat in my furniture during the whole pandemic and it was brand new I was always doing something.
Everything these people do is manipulative. And there's always someone in the background who they're using as a punching bag.
Typically the vulnerable for a little kids doesn’t matter who it is it’s always somebody that doesn’t know how to do anything and it’s like why do you ask them to help you if you’re gonna complain about it
I have a couple of relatives who work(ed) in caring professions but are very abusive to those they live with. Insightful video, thank you
"Crowbar it into the conversation" Wow!🤣
Your comments resonated with me remembering one of my father’s altruistic deeds. Him getting paid and buying our struggling neighbours take out - not even inviting me to join them. I was 12 then seeing them from outside sitting around their kitchen with him. It really upset me back then but didn’t understand it until decades later.
I just found your videos and I appreciate them so much . I now understand why people are being like this. Thank you so much for sharing your videos.
Thank you for these most insightful angles on the various narcissist types.
After reading and studying this for years to understand why my own shortcomings blinded me to making a life with such a partner, I think your and many other specialists’ interpretation of both the covert and the altruistic narcissist is what I was dealing with and still challenged by.
One well known specialist’s most stern warning is to forget explaining one’s experience with such a person to anyone else as one will not be believed.
And I think your description of both these types in combination is why the outside camera audience has a perception in total contrast with the one one lives with at home.
My father too used to say that generosity starts at home and the absence of this on such a grand scale gnawed away at my confidence in sustaining the relationship and family around this. But it was the major clue that kept my resolve in eventually extracting myself from this toxic dance.
To my mind and experience, that suppressed passive aggressive energy can be summed up as a Uria Heap presentation. It is incredibly dangerous and misleading and the sooner one realises that it does not change and that one needs to create strong boundaries to keep it out, the better.
I had a friend who would post in social media when she gave to someone less fortunate and talk about how humble she was...yeah.
These types are all over that Farcebook constantly gathering up for themselves attention and praise by collecting money for their causes, but behind the scenes some of know exactly who and what they really are.
An altruistic narcissist has forced his way into my Alzheimer’s mother and My relationship.
He’s easily gaslighting her. He’s her hero, she can’t manage to stay in her home without him, he holds her hand.
My mom has caregivers but he doesn’t respect my boundaries that he stay away when they are with her.
He sits at her house all day every day. Living solely off her money, food, cigarettes.
Yet he is a 50 yo with a drug history and provides no support or attention to his five children.
He wants his church / rehab to know he’s such a great person to aid this old lady.
In truth he’s only preventing her from going to a senior home where she would have great care and medication she needs.
He knows if she leaves he will be removed from her home.
I am trying desperately to get him away from her but she won’t give her ‘hero’ up.
So I wait for a hospital admission so I can then have her transferred to a home. Her Dr is 100% behind this also.
Thank God the doctors behind it he can say that they don’t feel that she’s being taken good care of because of neglect of a person that is elderly is against the law so they can say that she’s not being taken good care of and they can have her removed and put into a home!! We’re hopefully she’ll get good care some of them homes aren’t the greatest either and I wish you the best sorry to hear this!
This is the first time I have heard about the gift-giving! You just described what I have seen with mine own eyes!
My late sister was “the nicest person in the world!” She was always giving elaborate gift baskets to those that helped her - her auto-mechanic, the people who groomed her dogs and especially the medical professionals who helped with her cancer treatments. It was quite the process too to give those baskets. She would present them with a flourish (“Oh, I just picked a few things I thought you might like/find useful”, etc) and then modestly insisted it was nothing, no effort at all. THEN, she would go through each item in the gift basket, explaining why she included that particular item. There was always a chorus of, You are SO thoughtful!” “No one EVER thinks of us like you do!” “Thank you so very very much!” “You’re our favorite patient!”
She did it all for the glory. She lived for those comments.
My mother is one. When I was small, she would leave me in a chaotic home to go take a neighborhood to a weekly medical appointment even though they had a ton of friends. The irony is I had a problem in my foot and she let it get quite bad (I didn't walk properly for months before she took any action). She's constantly looking for someone to save so she might be considered a hero and more enlightened. People saw her as a martyr including me, but now I see.
I remember my abusive spouse would help others when HE wanted to help, not when he was ASKED to help. When decided to "help" someone it was far too generous and violated other people's boundaries with his sly charm. For example he would be out for hours shoveling out neighbor's driveways. He didn't ask them if they wanted him to do it. He would just do it. The neighbors would come out of their homes and say you don't need to do that. He would say, we wanted to do it for them. Then he would give them a big wave and a thumbs up.
When he returned home he was mean, neglectful and tired. He complained to me about each of the neighbors and would lay on the couch and watch TV for the rest of the day. He expected I would have a hot, home cooked meal for him when he got off the sofa that evening and was prepared to be amorous until the wee hours of the morning.
Praise God I am divorced from him now for three years. I finally live in safety and freedom from his harmful behaviors.
"Don't worry about it, I'll just tell them it's from me." LOL! I'll bet that was the last time they tried to make him their charity messenger.
This video has just helped me to make sense of a situation that occurred many years ago and has haunted me ever since. Now, I see it for what it was. Thank you so much.
Any “good deed”the malignant narcissist ex was forced to do was never his idea to do the right thing with selfless pure intentions
It was Always with conditional self serving self promotion ulterior motives
Sounds like my twin sister. She makes big show of donating to charity and pretending to be empathetic. It's all a ploy to get recognition and admiration. Behind closed doors, she is a hateful, abusive person who criticizes people she feels inferior to. Cut that "Karen" off in 2006 and moved on with my life. Of course, she smears my name to everyone but I figured the people she smears my name to will eventually figure her out as well, if they haven't already.
And if they don't, who cares! ❤
@@arleneshanley9889 exactly!
@@BigHeartNoBS something that I remember from before all the trauma: this is me. If you don't like it, then, I'll consider the source.
I've been living with a narc for 30 years. I always thought he was a covert narc then I heard that there was also an altruistic narc! It was like a bolt ⚡ of lightening out of the blue; my narc takes over EVERYTHING I try to do and that includes the house work!!. I'm also a type 1diabetic and I can't give myself any insulin without his diagnosis, e.g he does the math and tells me what to do. I'm now letting him get on with it because I know that he will start having a meltdown and let me know that HE does everything. That's when I tell him that I'm quite capable of doing my blood sugars myself... Then I watch his expression change 😊😊 at first he will agree THEN after a few days he changes his mind and tell me that I can't do it because I don't understand what I'm doing. He's also told people that he has to speak for me because I'm not very good at explaining myself. So am I with a covert narc or an altruistic narc? I can't make up my mind?. Also I've seen him try to do the same with the neighbors ( not with medication), he offers to lend some power tools then take over by telling them how to use them, I know this for a fact because I've watched and heard him doing it; he has also told me himself and doesn't understand why they reject him!.
had a family member like this. so much so that they helped people who were in the witness protection program! "how could this be" I thought, the family is barely together and everyone is at the edge of poverty. having a name to these personalities helped a lot in piecing together the fam's history on my own. as you know you don't just ask honest questions in narc families.
They can't answer them; they just get angry and deflect.
I had to move in with my parents for about 6 weeks while waiting for my apartment to be ready…I was paying them $300/month to stay and bought all the groceries while there…the one trip I to Walmart that I caught her talking crap about me and my sons not paying rent and eating all the food, was a $500 grocery trip….and im pretty sure I paid and not her….but to this day, my entire family hates me for being a freeloading pos…she still swears I never paid a dime! And I have no way of proving it because I paid in cash not thinking this would be a problem. They swear im lying about catching her saying what she did….at this point idc…im getting ready to go completely no contact with my entire family….I already don’t speak to my mother but the other evening my dad flat out called me a lying pos and told me I never paid for my home…which I most certainly did and lost my house because of the property I live in now….they want me to sign it over to my brother who is a junkie living with them still…he’s not my problem and it makes me angry im expected to give up my home so they’re rid of my junkie brother…
Great vids we'll done. 👍. I left my food shop a my "narc friends" house. She rang me(I was surprised by that) I said "oh thanks I was halfway home." I couldn't be bothered to hang about and left. Thanks again I said. I'm so glad I rang you, she said, yes, the medal is in the post. They really listen to every word you say. And use it later. They are the finest liars but do it very badly. They remind you of the slightest thing all the time of what you did that upset them. I would really hate to be like them. They buy someones clothes from charity and then ask for the money even though they did it without asking.
"Kill them with Kindness" is a phrase they use in charities and in the church. My covert narc ex was involved in both (no coincidence there) and would use this on me as just another tactic of control.
It's callous and not genuine kindness, like trying to make the other feel guilty. And it's a form of dishonest behavior and contradiction on the narc's behalf, which can lead to cognitive dissonance. But I guess that's okay with narcs because they are a walking contradiction
@@dontbelongherefromanother Truce as mine told me he didn’t feel loved but recently told me I deserve somebody great because I love unconditionally. Sounds like he knew exactly what he had! That’s why he stayed so long with me now he’s on the second one he was on the first one for the divorce was even done they didn’t last but a little over the year he’s got a new one in a different state Mrs. Texas
@@Portia620 wow, I believe it
you made me realize that I met a narcissist on a date's app. we agreed to met at the Louvre (don't remember if I suggested it or if he did. at that moment, I used to go to the Louvre quite often.) inside the museum he insisted to go in the Egyptology part (which I don't appreciate, but he insisted so much). and then, every now and then he told me (too loudly) that this item was donated by his uncle, and this one he used to see it on a family shelve, etc. he was speaking loud enough to be heard by by passers. he embarrassed me so much that I decided to end it after the visit.
if I appreciated Egyptology I probably wouldn't have noticed it this much.
Darren, I’ve just found you for the first time and watched this incredibly insightful video. You referenced it towards the end, but I was mindful throughout, the inexplicable link to my own experience of growing up in a community of religious indoctrination and its manipulations under this form of covert abuse.
Jesus called these types who label themselves Christian as wolves in sheep clothing, he describes another type of false Christian as “Luke warm” having no passion for God. So there are at least two types of false Christians.
I should’ve read the Bible because the more I learned about it some more that there’s some very profound lessons that are so true in life. I went to Bible school as a little girl but there’s so much to learn. I know I wouldn’t be here today without God’s strength it’s amazing after being drained of everything from a narcissist
@@Portia620 Thank you for telling this about your own experience! I'm sure it also helps a lot to be able to pray to a loving and just God, and to forgive. God bless and keep you
Yes my sons ex girlfriend talked me into selling my house and she would sell her house and we would join together an I did , my fear was to come to be homeless, she knew this , and I agreed to do this , I told the realtor my son and Diane can go pick out the home , an Diane took it along herself to leave out my son and she put her name on the house I paid for from the house I paid for , and now is kicking me out , . I put every dime I had in this house and live on ssi , not much at all , I'm lost I have no money to hire a lawyer, to fight. GOD BE WITH ME , IN JESUS NAME ., That I won't ever be homeless.
That is horrible but in today’s world you can’t trust anybody especially when it comes to money when you’re buying a house and that’s all you have
Oh my gosh! The same thing happened to a former coworker of mine! She & her mother shared a home she'd raised her son in.
Son & DIL persuaded mom & grandmom to take out a second mortgage to help he & his wife buy a house, and they'd make the payments.
They reneged on the deal and she & her mom got foreclosure. Another coworker rescued them, but the woman still treasured visits from evil son and family. 🤦
Wow! “Charity begins where there’s an audience.” I see this all the time in my urbanizing neighborhood, where neighborhood bonds began to break long ago.
I find this is a pervasive aspect of those in the medical, mental health and social services professions, sadly.
Some churches too.
Thank you.
I’ve only known one. Confused me for awhile. Yup I agree there is such a behavioral disorder that wasn’t in the DSM when I was in practice.
I love your explanations!! It makes Soo much sense how and why they do what they do!! Thank you so much, it's truly eye-opening... And also thank you for your tips in your videos how to deal with them!! 💖
5 star Darren. Wish I had come across you at 15. Would have spared me a lifetime of anxiety
I still have stuff my NARC brother bought for me to keep me compliant or confused. Some advise to get rid but they don't bother me. I discarded him before he discarded me. He lives in Australia so knowing no one would contact him to tell him if I passed. I took advantage of the pandemic to go no contact or to leave him wondering if I had passed. Now he may either consider that to be true or realise he has been discarded. Either way I get to move on. Whether he does or not is for him to work through. I have escaped before he got to play his final end game as he had with our youngest brother. After he took his own life our NARC increased his efforts to destroy me later using our Mother's passing to launch his biggest attack. He would send our Dad hampers every Christmas probably believing he could get a big reward after Dad passed. However during a time of illness Dad expressed things that showed he saw through our Narcs behaviour. RIP brother. You are the one who is dead inside.
Well wow. Never heard of this, but it's my father. Though he is completely clueless about it, not self aware at all. Thanks for this.
Would an example of this be, when a narcissist who is routinely broke and unemployed feels entitled to other peoples money because the narcissist likes to spend money on other people in the form of throwing parties and bbqs, when in reality they like being the centre of attention and having people tell them how good they are at cooking. When out of money they act like their actions are purely benelevant and that their generosity is the sole reason they are broke rather than their un employability and non existent budgeting skills?
My god, you found my ex.
7:37 "Don't tell them it's from me, okay, I'll tell them it's from ME..." 🤣🤣🤣 Prizewinner. 👍
Yes yes yes - the good man nailed it.
That's exactly how I remember it.
No audience - no good deed,not even a kind gesture,not a kind word - the audience makes all the difference.
It's hard to believe there really are so many of these bottom feeders, but they ARE out there and I've developed a new sort of sense sniffing them out now. It starts when they introduce themselves - always in extreme ways. Either very glamorous - very "professional" or very very humble - but always unnaturally friendly and welcoming.
The spawn of the Father of Lies
Everything you say is so true!!! Congratulations!!!
And when the family is the audience? Giving to somebody in the family so that they can manipulate and expect gratitude?
It’s still an audience and it’s still self serving I guess
Yep, that family member becomes a servant, a marionette. Being controlled by manipulation and shame. Behind the giving there is big selfishness and behind that a power game.
@@dotendit This is a whole family situation in my extended family on a farm. Wow
@@Portia620 So sad!! It happens quite often and in the eyes of the outside world the bad person is the one who refuses to be grateful for such help and kindness ( even if they didn't ask for it or asked for something entirely different - it's never on their terms).
When I was broke and vulnerable I asked a "helpful" family member to "Please don't make a project out of me."
Guess what happened?
Hi Darren...just watched this excellent video and had to let you know how helpful it has been for me in identifying these sneaky altruistic narcissists that fly under the radar and are all around us! You are the best in describing their behaviours in a way that helps me understand what I went through with many narcs... always when I listen to your videos...the penny drops! I have an aha moment! You are brilliant at what you do....and make me laugh at times...which helps to lighten the topic! Thanks for all your hard work in producing these excellent videos!👍
You have just described my former room mate and a building manager that pretended to be a renter in my strata - they gaslit me and had me arrested - their flying monkeys were the RCMP and my psychiatrist!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr Magee.tgank you for your words and insight . Very helpful. I know one of the altruistic one . Truly helps people but the end goal I feel is the narcissist wants them to be dependent on them so that they can control. But they do not appear to ask for any praise but later may bring it up , when the other person crosses them in some way or doesn't do what they want ., I did so much how can you treat me this way.
Listening to a lot of info on narcissism what I am experiencing is someone who is not taking care of themselves or their health , as I've created boundaries and not engaged , Like bring the ultimate martyr . They will not take care of their health what is this behavior ? cause it's hurting them in the long run, and they point out their symptoms but don't take care of themselves . ...and like I said , I see that it gets them attention and people look at them as the ultimate martyr but in reality it's also hurting their health . Can they go so far to manipulate or get attention and destroy their health in the process ??
Perhaps they actually feel lonely and vulnerable themselves -- perhaps they have low self-esteem and are trying to over-compensate for that?
@@alrinaleroux9229 you may be right . My dilemma was that can you go so far as risking your health to play the victim? . And the person is very capable of taking care of themselves . But they choose not to and then people feel bad for them .
@@ss-hm4ug OK, it's difficult to understand. Perhaps a false sense of security makes them behave in a more reckless, self-indulgent way. I think that is a temptation for me also sometimes, because there is a reason for consuming things that are unhealthy (comfort food, escapism, gluttony/hedonism).
Sir, thank you so very much for this video.
Thank you Sir.
You’re welcome 👍
Spot on 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
my have had a close female friend who is exactly this video, she often gives money to the poor people in street, goes to church 24hours to pray,very actively in charity, in fact, all her doing are "shows", but inside, extremely evils, she targets me and did very evils things., im fact, they just prey vulnerable victims. horrible fake person
Brilliant analysis. Again
Thank you for this video! Can you do a follow-up one on what to do if you encounter this type of narcissist?
Thank you for your suggestion 👍
Yes please I'd like that too. I think this type is the most popular about for me personally. Thanks in advance.
🏃♀️ RUN 🏃♀️
Simple runaway and don’t buy into anything and pay your own way
As soon as you notice them eating into the "Inappropriate Zone" (they won't start there, it'll seem innocent at first), SILENTLY consider your options and, if you are dependent on them in ANY way, deal with that first in such a way they don't know until it's over. For example, pack up and move out and mail the rent check, return valuables via certified mail, etc. If there's a timeline necessary make sure not to tip them off as you work at it. If you must lie to protect yourself, do it -- they have no interest in the truth except as they can use it to hurt you.
If you have no dependencies, just cut ties and run. Don't let them suck you into defending, explaining, engaging, or personalizing -- block and ghost, or go low contact. There are so many better people out there. You don't need narcs (they "need" you).
Very informative, Darren. Thank you. You explain all aspects of narcissism very well. I better understand such personalities within my own family. Not being judgmental, but I have come to appreciate the small ‘T’ trauma in our family when I was growing up (according to Gabor Mate, I.e., the good things that should have happened but didn’t, e.g., emotionally distant parents). My two sibs compensated in my view by becoming narcissist, whereas I became an empath. According to Mate, these adaptations reflect the tension between attachment and the need for authenticity (healthy individuation). Given human children are totally dependent on parental engagement, the need for attachment t always ‘wins’. It has been a learning curve as I strive to have healthier and more meaningful relationships with the sibs. I am not that optimistic. Your episode on the ageing narcissist was excellent, too. Will listen to it several times. However, I can continue to work on self. Thank you again. Professor-Elizabeth
I really like your videos; you describe exactly what happens on those diffferent topics related to Narcissists.Keep up the good work!!
I greatly appreciate you sharing this particular type of narcissism as it is rarely talked about, as many others. This particular one has provided me with significant answers to my own personal experiences and I appreciate you sharing your work. Thank you.
Many times when I was pregnant or with a newborn, sometimes even without shelter! as the money dwindled to nothing because of my husbands expensive taste my husband would out of nowhere just give the rest of it to a homeless man without consulting me. It was so scary. I think he enjoyed the terror that instilled in me, and forcing me into deeper poverty as he basked in his self made glory
The family member who constantly repeats how much they are doing for other people…especially adult children to the point of total absorption and time so no longer available for anything or anyone else. Virtue and self sacrifice for the benefit of their own family. It feels like a serious stiff arm. I’m too busy every day taking care of my wonderful adult children and their children and their friends and their neighbors etc etc etc. Overwhelming-I have nothing to add to this conversation.
I wonder how this amount of assistance is actually good for adult children? All the daycare, taking to all the lessons, classes, school. Parents time out free days. Errands. Gardening, housecleaning, home repairs. Taking children with on every vacation without the parents. Vacation with the parents present too is so grandparents take care of the grandkids and their adult friends kids…these are adult kids with good incomes, two parents - one stay at home parent in both couples.
Feels like overcompensating and exhausting. But the adult kids appear they are all in. And the grandparents believe they are serving. There is an evangelical Christian background involved. I’m weirded out by the intensity of offloading responsibility but I raised my kids partially as a single parent, without support, so maybe I just don’t get it. One of my sister’s is doing this over the top grandparent role and her husband’s family is a large extreme religious group she’s been part of for many years. She’s also furious about our parents neglect and abuse. In any case I cannot do anything but listen to the recitation of good deeds and how much they are investing in these relationships. In detail.
Well said. Thank you for making this video.
I wish I knew about this years ago.
This is a very insightful video- thanks!
"me, myself, and I..."
3:43 wow… thank you for this
I have always noticed it but was told I was just being critical and cynical
I liked the quote in the video. I always tell myself "it's easy to spot a screaming hitler, but you have a smiling hitler which is more dangerous"
I saw a film clip once of Hitler visiting some kind of infirmary in Germany and putting on a false, supercilious, unctuous smile, pretending to be very polite towards the patients, while he was actually cold-bloodedly planning to introduce measures to have them killed ("euthanized" -- what is called "social cleansing").
Mam you're a genius 👍 Thank you.
My dad did that a few times when mom wasn't around. I had come home from work to find him cooking while my niece & nephew watched on. I thought finally he's turned a new page. Well, he just packed & hand delivered every except a plate full for himself. When he left I thought about giving it to my lil ones but then again I thought I couldn't have him ruin our evening so I started cooking dinner for everyone else. My mom as the main cook in the house has done this on & off but she always had excuses that didn't seem far fetched but now that I look back it's obvious she was trying to up her image & polish her reputation meanwhile leaving us to feed on left overs from that cooking session & from dinner the night before. It's strange how as empaths we always tend to fall for it & not analyze the situation at hand. 💯 blind trust, especially from parents I'm guilty of.
You have nailed it Darren. Spot on. Exactly the case. Thank you for your brilliant observations 😊
Holding door open when someone is behind you is basic manners out here in the US. Great video
Captain Picard while taking about retired admiral Satee from star trek the next generation.
My narc is so lazy he even takes credit or glory for other people's achievements, for example if I cooked a meal, he would dish it out as if he made it or it is thanks to him, when our children accomplish something he would take over and glorify himself, or when he sees a singer or musician who is succesful he starts to believe that could be him or that he discovered them, and he should be their manager....
Ugh. I had a roommate like this. She also had to write her name on everything. So annoying!
I have parkinsons. He has provided me with a house beside his...brings coffee, brings food...for years he has demeaned me, triangulated with cool friends, lovers, family and friends, even the animals as hes vegan and they come first, ( dont get me started with the new age hippy rainbow vegans...) stonewalled me, and treated me like this dependant, evil controlling ex. His empathy is cero. I could be crying in bits and he would look blank. Im sure hes triangulating with the new supply. I have to stay here as im sick my dog is very aging and theres a housing crisis...but im preparing myself to leave as the trauma bonding is raging in my body and his mask as fallen totally for me. I have to keep slightly friendly but the chemicals that flooded me at his crumbs dont work. I strive by any means to keep me aware of the truth. Thank u dr.
Glad you talked about this. Thank you for your channel.