even with therapy or whatever this is just how some people are. It is what it is, for me now I am just going to avoid them after being so bitten and torn down mentally by her.
Teach others how to treat you, unless they’re speaking bad or doing bad to you, it’s YOU that needs to be more secure. Dating a dismissive avoidant actually takes a lot more patience, maturity and empathetic understanding than most people possess. Get better, not bitter
@@doyoueatrocksum no, relationships are a two way street. Most people have no idea what a DA even is so at this point why would anyone put up with this behavior? This is an issue of putting yourself first and leaving situations that don’t reciprocate your energy. If DA’s know they have issues, they should avoid relationships until they’ve healed their attachment style
@@doyoueatrocksdoesn’t matter how much better you become, you might be the best, you might be as secure as humanly possible - that won’t change an avoidant attachers crippling fear of abandonment and emotional intimacy, nor will it ease their fear of conflict or magically improve that avoidants ability to communicate their needs and fears. Only the avoidant can take responsibility for their trauma wound and do the shadow work. A good partner will create a safe space for communication and validate their partner’s experience, but it doesn’t mean much when the avoidant is too scared to meet you halfway.
@doyoueatrocks way to excuse abuse. Seriously, that type of attitude is why people suffer in narcissistic relationships. And sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, because its a issue with the avoidant
100% true - I am this person. It takes a bit to let you in but once you are I would move mountains for you - forever. My experience is people want too much too quickly which triggers all this fear. If you go slow - the trust builds and builds and builds and the relationship is amazing.
Thankyou....I thought I tried everything, I lost myself!.....its killing me not to respond to his msgs.....but if he can't/wont take accountability or self refect over his own actions, issues, behaviours, continue running, avoiding, not facing his demons head on & leaving a trail of pain left behind.....really what hope or chance is there? I take full accountability of my input yet he cannot/wont see why & where they came from....not just from him....I tried & tried to love & support him! Never reciprocated....so painful! 😪
This depends on each individual FA and what traumas they've endured. Some FAs will yo-yo in and out hot and cold pretty much forever and the other person will be worn down emotionally till they have to escape the relationship. Others can eventually develop a healthy relationship.
Problem is... if you come on strong people are going to mistake that for enthusiasm and move quickly. Then the avoidant craps their pants and runs. Screw that
It's the pulling-away which causes the addiction in us others. The hotandcold behaviour. Not only narcissists do it. Also empathic avoidants/cptsd. The empathic avoidant can feel love though, and be a good partner after a while of insecurities.
I just got out of a two plus year relationship with a DA. She epitomizes everything the DA is to the T. The only thing I can say is avoid the avoidant.
If my ex was willing to work on her fears OR take any accountability for her actions OR show any empathy for hurting me with repetitive pushing away and diatancing whenever things became good again... if she did any of those things I would continue showing my patience and understanding, but she did not want to do any of these things and called me abusive for suggesting that she has something to work on... I left, no more torture :(
had this happen to me recently -- the guy came on super strong - he started to pull away out of the blue and I got upset and its the first time i was "less than perfect" and it hurts because i wanted to go slow to begin with and i had my walls up but he begged me to be "vulnerable" and i was - then he just pulled away. Im not contacting him at all - but it hurts because I feel played. At least I know now there are lots of people who do this - he is the first one to ever do this to me. Im actually afraid i wont find anyone else because i live in a very isolated area and im older - (less single people) and im not physically attracted to hardly anyone SO I must move on knowing i will probably be single my whole life but definitely I am never contacting this guy ever again. I raise his avoidance to me avoiding him to infinity. Ive already forgiven him tho in my mind - because I am removing all karma from my life and will be free 😊. Its hard because i let down my guard to give romantic love a chance again, but got crushed harder than ever. Coming across this channel and the discussions helps me know im not alone. Thanks for that. 😊
@laner1172 He texted me on time a few weeks ago that he thinks of me all the time and of having sex with me 🙄 but no further communication. He is 2,000 miles away. He doesn't want to talk to me regularly - that's pretty clear. I've given up on him. I'm still very sad about it. Thanks for asking 🙂.
@safuaia5261 he's talking to me kinda regularly now - tried to love bomb me again and I said NO you can't throw the LOVE word around and he said he was going to try to win me back or something like that so we will see. It's still long distance but who knows what the future holds. I'm just focusing on my own life and goals and doing positive things with my friends family and pets that I love. ❤️
Expected to accept them...without looking at their own impact/Input/Behaviours. ...What about the partner AP....i feel the same!!! Why do i do the work when he is NOT?? Im soooo confused wether ive just been played or it is truly his Avoidant/Ptsd is the issue as he is a very intelligent, loving charismatic man....when chosen.... He is willing to lose me after On/Off/Hot/Cold/Dismissive/Running/Denial .....after 4+ years.....Yet no self help, accountability....just run & leave the damage behind..😢
You eloquently describe what I have experienced. This is me. And my last relationship was actually a second time around type of deal. I wanted to give it another chance. I explained that I needed to move slowly. Before I knew it, I was tricked into meeting the parents- something I was nowhere near ready for. When I expressed that I did not appreciate that being sprung on me, my feelings were dismissed. They could not understand that I was not ready to expose myself to what I saw as that level of judgement. Having friends and family “approve” of you is exposure of the highest level for an avoidant. That was the beginning of the end. It takes a really strong, patient and understanding person to work at a relationship with an avoidant attachment type. But the avoidant also has to recognise their own attachment and want to change. I’m happy that I at least made enough progress in the last relationship to express how I was feeling. Maybe on the next one I’ll make further progress. Assuming there is another chance at a fulfilling relationship someday.
I love my avoidant and he is going through it now… he wasn’t exactly honest about his marital status. I called him on being married and not really getting a divorce so he broke up with me. We have been broken up for 3 months plus now. I still love him but I need to give him that space to work on his stuff. We both have reached out to each other during this time and have texted on and off. I just kind of figured he wanted to drag me along and never return which hurt. So I am there when he needs to talk but figured he wasn’t coming back. Which hurt so bad. But surprisingly he texted after a little misunderstanding that he’s got a specific time he plans to be done with divorce by. And he got rid of a friend who seemed to be not having his best interest at heart. I want to give him so much and love on him since I know he’s in so much pain but all I can do is say I’m here if he needs me. Is there more I should be doing while waiting? I’m working on my own issues as well as dealing with some heavy family and moving situations.
I am so glad you mentioned DIAGNOSED NPD. I get so sick of narcissism being thrown around like candy from a piñata! It's maddening! Everyone has narcissistic tendencies. Not everyone who has been hurt or jilted was with a narc. That's all the blame game. Don't get it twisted. I'm not talking about people who have been in abusive relationships and I'm aware there are many who will never be diagnosed. It's still limited to around 3%. Say 5% for the possible undiagnosed but it doesn't mean most have been in a relationship with one.
Exactly! I try to choose my words carefully because it’s important to make that distinction. While many people have narcissistic traits, it’s a statistical improbability that most people have dated others that would qualify for a NPD diagnosis. The numbers just don’t support it!
Thank you so much for helping with your clips. I am deeply into this topic since my break up as an anxious with an avoidant since ine year...pls do lore clips. Because it sums it up pretty pretty well - esp finding forgiveness and understanding the avoidsnt better
Same. I had almost abonned myself for her. Never forget how great the love or relationship is. Never lose yourself for someone who can discard you easily.
I showered her with unconditional love, but it was too much, so she ran away as well and pushed me out from her life. Hopefully she fixes what she needs to fix for her next man.
Could you clear up a doubt for me Charlie? If an avoidant (DA) takes many hours, even days, to respond to a message, does it have something to do with their deactivation mechanism? I know that each person is different but in general terms, could it be because of that? By way of context, there have been no arguments and it's something he often does. Thank you for your work, I learn a lot from you.
Run!!!! For me it went for days, weeks, and even months, then it got worse, remember, avoidance, can’t even take accountability for their own actions, nor do they even want to talk about it, and your feelings get dismissed. If you’re already going days, without hearing from him, the rest will follow. No normal human being that is stable would do that, these men and women need to stay single and heal before they get into a relationship of any kind. We all suffer from wounds, these people need to grow up.
@@daughteroftheking6402 I understand what you are saying. He did communicate but beyond his avoidance I see manipulative behaviour that I don't like. Thank you for your response.
It can be related to how they deactivate and emotionally recharge while you're apart. However, I'm also a firm believer in that people will continue to treat us in ways we allow them to. It's one thing to rationalize why someone doesn't respond but try not to let that take away from your feelings and needs during that time
@@daughteroftheking6402I agree with you 100%, when mine reached weeks of no contact (3 years into a relationship) I told her about dismissive avoidant attachment style. She called me abusive and cruel for trying to insinuate that there is anything wrong with her (I did not, but sending a link to a video was enough for her to interpret it as an attack). I decided to end it. Now she can have all the distance in the world :( Such sad people. They really should just date other DAs and leave healthier people alone.
I find I’ll pull away .. when I get the ick.. which is often, especially early in dating. Not sure if This is my attachment style, because I don’t want to get to close to this person because they would be good for me. Or just not attracted.
This is a bit confusing for me, but I think what you mean is: When it has gone on for a time, it's when they actually get 'attached to you' emotion, but since childhood trauma taught them that having such attachment is bad/would only lead to hurt, therefore like pre-emptive coping mechanism, they pull away. Am I close to getting this right?
You got it! Of course this doesn’t apply to all Avoidants and their reasons for pulling away, but it can explain possible motivations that inform their reasons behind the scenes To them, sometimes it’s easier to pull away sooner before both people get more attached because relationship failure would hurt even more
Journalling helps a lot here. Using specific prompts like “how did you feel when your parents were unable to offer you emotional support”, and others along those lines are a great way to start figuring this out
I told him I love him . He said me telling him I love him is weird . I never heard this before because in the beginning he asked me if I loved him . I’m so confused
Imagine people who low key abuse you telling you they love you all the time. The word loses its meaning at best or means abuse at its worst. Maybe look up love languages and see which of those resonate more with you and that person. Some people feel loved and show love in other ways rather than saying it. Like acts of service or gifts etc. I was confused at first aswell then this was explained to me.
Shirley, think about the fact that love is an action, a choice. Not a feeling. Another concept that’s gaining popularity, is referring to the fact that “love is a verb.” Don’t tell someone that you love them …you show that. And if they tell you that they love you, you judge that based on their actions, not on their words.
They may not have chosen to be this way. But staying that way is a choice and that's why I have zero empathy for these people.
even with therapy or whatever this is just how some people are. It is what it is, for me now I am just going to avoid them after being so bitten and torn down mentally by her.
Yep once they know that they have you, the game is over.
It doesn't give them the right to treat others like garbage. After being discarded, I'm now traumatized.
Teach others how to treat you, unless they’re speaking bad or doing bad to you, it’s YOU that needs to be more secure. Dating a dismissive avoidant actually takes a lot more patience, maturity and empathetic understanding than most people possess. Get better, not bitter
@@doyoueatrocksum no, relationships are a two way street. Most people have no idea what a DA even is so at this point why would anyone put up with this behavior? This is an issue of putting yourself first and leaving situations that don’t reciprocate your energy. If DA’s know they have issues, they should avoid relationships until they’ve healed their attachment style
@@doyoueatrocksdoesn’t matter how much better you become, you might be the best, you might be as secure as humanly possible - that won’t change an avoidant attachers crippling fear of abandonment and emotional intimacy, nor will it ease their fear of conflict or magically improve that avoidants ability to communicate their needs and fears. Only the avoidant can take responsibility for their trauma wound and do the shadow work. A good partner will create a safe space for communication and validate their partner’s experience, but it doesn’t mean much when the avoidant is too scared to meet you halfway.
@doyoueatrocks way to excuse abuse. Seriously, that type of attitude is why people suffer in narcissistic relationships. And sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, because its a issue with the avoidant
100% true - I am this person. It takes a bit to let you in but once you are I would move mountains for you - forever. My experience is people want too much too quickly which triggers all this fear. If you go slow - the trust builds and builds and builds and the relationship is amazing.
Thankyou....I thought I tried everything, I lost myself!.....its killing me not to respond to his msgs.....but if he can't/wont take accountability or self refect over his own actions, issues, behaviours, continue running, avoiding, not facing his demons head on & leaving a trail of pain left behind.....really what hope or chance is there? I take full accountability of my input yet he cannot/wont see why & where they came from....not just from him....I tried & tried to love & support him! Never reciprocated....so painful! 😪
Tell me more... I want to understand.
This depends on each individual FA and what traumas they've endured. Some FAs will yo-yo in and out hot and cold pretty much forever and the other person will be worn down emotionally till they have to escape the relationship. Others can eventually develop a healthy relationship.
Problem is... if you come on strong people are going to mistake that for enthusiasm and move quickly. Then the avoidant craps their pants and runs. Screw that
Yeaa 1.5 years is enough time wasted...
It's the pulling-away which causes the addiction in us others. The hotandcold behaviour. Not only narcissists do it. Also empathic avoidants/cptsd. The empathic avoidant can feel love though, and be a good partner after a while of insecurities.
I just got out of a two plus year relationship with a DA. She epitomizes everything the DA is to the T. The only thing I can say is avoid the avoidant.
If my ex was willing to work on her fears OR take any accountability for her actions OR show any empathy for hurting me with repetitive pushing away and diatancing whenever things became good again... if she did any of those things I would continue showing my patience and understanding, but she did not want to do any of these things and called me abusive for suggesting that she has something to work on... I left, no more torture :(
had this happen to me recently -- the guy came on super strong - he started to pull away out of the blue and I got upset and its the first time i was "less than perfect" and it hurts because i wanted to go slow to begin with and i had my walls up but he begged me to be "vulnerable" and i was - then he just pulled away. Im not contacting him at all - but it hurts because I feel played. At least I know now there are lots of people who do this - he is the first one to ever do this to me. Im actually afraid i wont find anyone else because i live in a very isolated area and im older - (less single people) and im not physically attracted to hardly anyone SO I must move on knowing i will probably be single my whole life but definitely I am never contacting this guy ever again. I raise his avoidance to me avoiding him to infinity. Ive already forgiven him tho in my mind - because I am removing all karma from my life and will be free 😊. Its hard because i let down my guard to give romantic love a chance again, but got crushed harder than ever. Coming across this channel and the discussions helps me know im not alone. Thanks for that. 😊
any update?
@laner1172 He texted me on time a few weeks ago that he thinks of me all the time and of having sex with me 🙄 but no further communication. He is 2,000 miles away. He doesn't want to talk to me regularly - that's pretty clear. I've given up on him. I'm still very sad about it. Thanks for asking 🙂.
@laner1172 and we are going to be in the same town in 2 weeks... will update then with what happens... will he try to see me or not...
@@EverydayAdventures123 did anything happen?
@safuaia5261 he's talking to me kinda regularly now - tried to love bomb me again and I said NO you can't throw the LOVE word around and he said he was going to try to win me back or something like that so we will see. It's still long distance but who knows what the future holds. I'm just focusing on my own life and goals and doing positive things with my friends family and pets that I love. ❤️
This is beautiful, very well spoken clear, concise with clarity. With compassion. Thank you 🙏🏽
As I reflect upon a recent relationship, this piece makes so much sense!!!
my ex was npd and now im dealing with avoidant some things are familiar but your explanations is concise
Expected to accept them...without looking at their own impact/Input/Behaviours. ...What about the partner AP....i feel the same!!! Why do i do the work when he is NOT??
Im soooo confused wether ive just been played or it is truly his Avoidant/Ptsd is the issue as he is a very intelligent, loving charismatic man....when chosen....
He is willing to lose me after On/Off/Hot/Cold/Dismissive/Running/Denial .....after 4+ years.....Yet no self help, accountability....just run & leave the damage behind..😢
You eloquently describe what I have experienced. This is me. And my last relationship was actually a second time around type of deal. I wanted to give it another chance. I explained that I needed to move slowly. Before I knew it, I was tricked into meeting the parents- something I was nowhere near ready for. When I expressed that I did not appreciate that being sprung on me, my feelings were dismissed. They could not understand that I was not ready to expose myself to what I saw as that level of judgement. Having friends and family “approve” of you is exposure of the highest level for an avoidant. That was the beginning of the end.
It takes a really strong, patient and understanding person to work at a relationship with an avoidant attachment type. But the avoidant also has to recognise their own attachment and want to change. I’m happy that I at least made enough progress in the last relationship to express how I was feeling. Maybe on the next one I’ll make further progress. Assuming there is another chance at a fulfilling relationship someday.
I love my avoidant and he is going through it now… he wasn’t exactly honest about his marital status. I called him on being married and not really getting a divorce so he broke up with me. We have been broken up for 3 months plus now. I still love him but I need to give him that space to work on his stuff. We both have reached out to each other during this time and have texted on and off. I just kind of figured he wanted to drag me along and never return which hurt. So I am there when he needs to talk but figured he wasn’t coming back. Which hurt so bad. But surprisingly he texted after a little misunderstanding that he’s got a specific time he plans to be done with divorce by. And he got rid of a friend who seemed to be not having his best interest at heart. I want to give him so much and love on him since I know he’s in so much pain but all I can do is say I’m here if he needs me. Is there more I should be doing while waiting? I’m working on my own issues as well as dealing with some heavy family and moving situations.
Fantastic video. Thank you.
I am so glad you mentioned DIAGNOSED NPD. I get so sick of narcissism being thrown around like candy from a piñata! It's maddening! Everyone has narcissistic tendencies. Not everyone who has been hurt or jilted was with a narc. That's all the blame game.
Don't get it twisted. I'm not talking about people who have been in abusive relationships and I'm aware there are many who will never be diagnosed. It's still limited to around 3%. Say 5% for the possible undiagnosed but it doesn't mean most have been in a relationship with one.
Exactly! I try to choose my words carefully because it’s important to make that distinction. While many people have narcissistic traits, it’s a statistical improbability that most people have dated others that would qualify for a NPD diagnosis. The numbers just don’t support it!
Thank you for this. I’m learning so much from your videos ❤
That makes me happy to hear! I hope they'll be continue to be helpful to you during your healing journey
Thank you so much for helping with your clips. I am deeply into this topic since my break up as an anxious with an avoidant since ine year...pls do lore clips. Because it sums it up pretty pretty well - esp finding forgiveness and understanding the avoidsnt better
Great video! I think I'm one of these people. I'm beginning to believe I'll never be good enough.
You are!!❤
Excellent explanation!
My love can’t save her. Lord knows I tried.
Same. I had almost abonned myself for her. Never forget how great the love or relationship is. Never lose yourself for someone who can discard you easily.
I showered her with unconditional love, but it was too much, so she ran away as well and pushed me out from her life. Hopefully she fixes what she needs to fix for her next man.
Yet my ex DA put his childhood caregivers on a pedestal and told me how wonderful they were and how perfect his childhood was. Uh, no...
Could you clear up a doubt for me Charlie? If an avoidant (DA) takes many hours, even days, to respond to a message, does it have something to do with their deactivation mechanism? I know that each person is different but in general terms, could it be because of that? By way of context, there have been no arguments and it's something he often does. Thank you for your work, I learn a lot from you.
Run!!!! For me it went for days, weeks, and even months, then it got worse, remember, avoidance, can’t even take accountability for their own actions, nor do they even want to talk about it, and your feelings get dismissed. If you’re already going days, without hearing from him, the rest will follow. No normal human being that is stable would do that, these men and women need to stay single and heal before they get into a relationship of any kind. We all suffer from wounds, these people need to grow up.
@@daughteroftheking6402 I understand what you are saying. He did communicate but beyond his avoidance I see manipulative behaviour that I don't like. Thank you for your response.
It can be related to how they deactivate and emotionally recharge while you're apart. However, I'm also a firm believer in that people will continue to treat us in ways we allow them to. It's one thing to rationalize why someone doesn't respond but try not to let that take away from your feelings and needs during that time
@@healingwithcharlie Thanks for your response Charlie. We have talked and I personally have been working on it.
@@daughteroftheking6402I agree with you 100%, when mine reached weeks of no contact (3 years into a relationship) I told her about dismissive avoidant attachment style. She called me abusive and cruel for trying to insinuate that there is anything wrong with her (I did not, but sending a link to a video was enough for her to interpret it as an attack). I decided to end it. Now she can have all the distance in the world :( Such sad people. They really should just date other DAs and leave healthier people alone.
Sometimes they are just not that into you ok!
So profound
I find I’ll pull away .. when I get the ick.. which is often, especially early in dating. Not sure if This is my attachment style, because I don’t want to get to close to this person because they would be good for me. Or just not attracted.
Who cares of the meant too or not? You till end up as collateral damage. Wish I never met my avoidant ex.
Interesting. 🤔
This is a bit confusing for me, but I think what you mean is:
When it has gone on for a time, it's when they actually get 'attached to you' emotion, but since childhood trauma taught them that having such attachment is bad/would only lead to hurt, therefore like pre-emptive coping mechanism, they pull away.
Am I close to getting this right?
You got it! Of course this doesn’t apply to all Avoidants and their reasons for pulling away, but it can explain possible motivations that inform their reasons behind the scenes
To them, sometimes it’s easier to pull away sooner before both people get more attached because relationship failure would hurt even more
❤❤
I am definitely avoidant though finding it hard to identify childhood trauma and start working on it...any tips?
Journalling helps a lot here. Using specific prompts like “how did you feel when your parents were unable to offer you emotional support”, and others along those lines are a great way to start figuring this out
Id start with "why do you hate yourself" "when did you start believing you werent good enough""what happened"
I have read comments stating sometimes it's not overt abuse or screaming but to be given the silent treatment all the tme in your childhood
I told him I love him . He said me telling him I love him is weird . I never heard this before because in the beginning he asked me if I loved him . I’m so confused
Imagine people who low key abuse you telling you they love you all the time. The word loses its meaning at best or means abuse at its worst.
Maybe look up love languages and see which of those resonate more with you and that person.
Some people feel loved and show love in other ways rather than saying it.
Like acts of service or gifts etc.
I was confused at first aswell then this was explained to me.
Shirley, think about the fact that love is an action, a choice. Not a feeling. Another concept that’s gaining popularity, is referring to the fact that “love is a verb.” Don’t tell someone that you love them …you show that. And if they tell you that they love you, you judge that based on their actions, not on their words.
@sethtenrec yes I agree!