Controlling Husband Won’t Even Let Me Have Gas Money!
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- Опубліковано 11 лип 2022
- Controlling Husband Won’t Even Let Me Have Gas Money!
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"He was married before and she stole money from him"
"He used to have a gambling addiction"
Soooo....did she steal money or did she take money to make sure her basic needs were met before he gambled it all away?
It would still be stealing regardless.
@@LaughingStock55 Regardless of what you are using the money for, stealing is a crime.
@@SulekSpeech So is slavery.
@@Loruca Okay? What’s your point? Does that now make it okay?
He doesn't share his money with her without her begging for it. That's slavery, as he no doubt expects her to change the baby's diapers, do the dishes, wash his clothes, mow the lawn, and change the oil in his car. In a marriage, everything belongs to both--if she has to "steal" to buy groceries, it isn't stealing. It it is considered stealing, it demotes her to roommate status, and not a wife at all.
I bet his ex wife never stole money from him, he's just playing headgames on this poor new mother.
Or She did stole, but because He wasn't giving her enough money for living and was gambling all the time.
You don't realize how bad the abuse is until you escape. I'm so sorry.
Have the discussion in a public place or have other adults in the house I fear for her and children when she gives the ultimatum
FACTS
I must be abusive😂😂😂😂😂and proud.
Nonsense! Everything that isn't going your way is not abuse or trauma.
All she needed to do is to go get a job, if she needed more money of her own.
@@kingdele01😮 You find her husbands behavior acceptable
Textbook example of financial abuse
Your not a victim. You pick the guys you are with and then play boo hoo later when it’s not going your way
@@beatdown3361 textbook victim blaming smh
Easy was to dodge accountability
@@beatdown3361 Johnny Depp wasn’t a victim. He picked Amber Heard so deserved her abuse. It’s his fault he didn’t choose more wisely.
Geez everyone is a victim now days. No one takes accountability for their part. 🤦🏻♂️
Her laughing constantly shows how uncomfortable she really is :(
Drove me crazy.
I used to play GTA with a girl who was just like that. In her real life a lot of people treated her like garbage and abused her in a lot of ways and whenever I tried to like explain stuff like that or it got tough she'd laugh out of uncomfort of the situation despite us being dead serious. Unfortunately, people like this I don't think you can help them until to their core they want to help themselves, they'll have conversations about how bad their situation is but will never take the chances of actually doing anything about it
She is laughing at it to play down the seriousness of the situation.
Yeah. Dr John literally said that. Thanks for mentioning what we all watched
@@marclou4228 boo someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed
Best advice my dad gave us (3 girls) was “financial independence is a necessity”.
This! I teach my daughter the same. Don't ever be financially dependent on someone, always have your own
My father was obsessed with me being financially independent 😊. He got what he wanted and we are both happy he did. Thanks dad ❤.
Same here. I'm for ever grateful to both of my parents for drilling into me and my sister the need for financial independence. It's a must.
Even today it’s either-or a lot of the time. Do you have families? I mean, did you guys manage that independence AND to have kids? Is your mother able to hold it all down without your father? Was she? Did she have to…? 😒 imagine subsidizing a man’s living situation just to destroy your body and be stuck at home with his poop machines for 3 years. Then, you find you’re wiping his ass 3 decades before he leaves you alone for another 2
It’s so funny that many men think our mothers are teaching us this but those of us with active fathers in are lives our being warned by another man
My father did this...forbade my mother to work...squashed her dream to open a business. He wanted control over her, the whole family. Left us broke and penniless when he decided to leave for another woman. After she became ill and he regained custody of us, he forbade me to get a job in h.s., and I listened, because I didn't know what he was doing. Even when I went to college, he told me, "don't get a job, I'll give you whatever you need". Persuaded me to turn down full scholarships, promised to pay for another school. I got a job anyway, because I didn’t want to be a burden. Good thing I did because when he cut me off out of the blue I was able to afford a place and eventually get myself back into college, without his help.
Thank goodness you did that. So sorry you went through this but you'll be alright now.❤️
@@michelmurphy7152 I only have God to thank for it. That was years ago, I have gone on to build a successful career but I can see now looking back how these controlling types can really do a number on you if you don't learn that it's ok to have the things you want to have, and not just whatever crumbs they choose to dole out to keep you on the hook
@@smustipher That must have been terrible. What a controlling person. I wonder how terribly misogynistic your father must have been and still is. I'm glad that you survived and got out of it.
Wow! You have a Story!!! So glad you got out..and made it!
I can relate to that. My father was awful and his funeral was the happiest day for us
This woman is in major denial that laughing is a cover. She is frightened to death
The laughing … so sad.
Whatever else happens, don’t get pregnant again in this relationship
She must have seen the red flags while dating him... and she married him anyway just 2 be married...I wish she watches up and leaves.
@@gjohnson6884 Girls like this have usually been toss around and treated so bad that it probably was just another Sunday for her.
maybe she felt if she gives him a child, he would change
@@jamaicaninthekitchen4358
And…there she is…begging for $50, $100 for survival and feeding him
So he has her at home with no job yet gave her no access to funds. Tells her how lucky she is. Total control. Gaslighting. She's basically a slave.
And what if something happens to him. She has no idea where anything is.
A lot of women are waking up to these types of men. That's why incels keep crying about women initiating divorces. Of course they are. Women are tired of being slaves.
From what I'm hearing, she could get a job.
I would get a job today!🙄
HATING THIS FOR HER. RELATING BUT STOP BEING A DOORMAT. HER UNCONFORTABLE GIGGLE REMINDS ME OF HOW MANY WOMEN BECOME THE "WIFE" WITHOUT THE NECESSITIES FOR HER AND THEIR CHILD! SORRY, I DO NOT HAVE KIDS OR GOT MARRIED! I DODGED A BULLET! CONTROLLING BY KEEPING HER BROKE AND BEGGING! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No. No. No. No. No!!
We have to start explicitly teaching young women, all women, to value themselves. That's the only way to avoid these appalling people.
Same goes for our young men.
This is so sad.
I am sick of seeing low self esteem in women.
Teach boys, also
We’re in an age where the general population of women are over valuing themselves. This is just a tragic call in her caee.
@@TheRealHerbaSchmurba On the contrary: at no time in history, including today, have we ever taught our daughters their true value, and how to respect themselves first.
You are delusional. Probably an abuser yourself.@@TheRealHerbaSchmurba
I left an abusive marriage with 7 kids. I stayed so long “for the kids” until I realized that it was actually hurting them. No one deserves to live like this. I doesn’t get better. This is why I created my own UA-cam channel and write books to help other women. Ladies, it’s time to heal.
Channel ?
U go girl
And time for men to heal from abusive women that doesn't get talked about enough
Good for you an inspiration
@@adamgonzalez1236 . You need to take that topic to another posting. This is not the place for that.
I don't think she understands how serious this is. This guy is trying to gain financial control of her so she doesn't have anywhere to go if she wants to leave him. That is terrifying. Emma, please know that this is not normal or okay.
Financial control so she has nowhere to go if she leaves him? How do we come to that conclusion? He doesn't deny her money, she asks and he gives, all she wants is free access without asking him. Is she attempting to start an at home business and he keeps stopping her or something? Nope, I did not hear that
@@zeal4god402 But does he go to her asking if he can use their money for gas? I somehow doubt it. And why won't he agree to combine finances? It sounds as if he's got something to hide. (Another family, maybe?) Dave Ramsey says that married couples need to talk about finances and control their combined finances together. My parents always would ask each other what they thought if a purchase was over a certain threshold, but they split financial responsibilities to go with each spouse's strengths (mom is lead on food, medical; dad is lead on utilities, home maintenance and car related things just to name a few). The caller doesn't have much authority/equality here. Yes, he gives money if she asks, but things like this can eventually progress to, "If you want money for groceries, then you'll have sex with me right now" - maybe in a particular way that is uncomfortable for her- or he will use other unfair bargaining tactics. I wonder if he even has her name on the house, which if not, could be held against her too "If you want your name on the title, then [perform x y z]." It's a sad, predictable slope. Asking for money for groceries and gas is a far cry from her wanting to have a credit card with a high limit in his name, with no boundaries. If he's concerned about her wasting money, he could at the very least give her an allowance for groceries or gas, instead of making her ask him like a child asks a parent whenever she has expenses to raise his children. He's not her father, he's her partner. And she is his partner. Not his child.
@@meganchristensen3378 I agree there should be an agreed upon amount to give every week or two and he regularly gives without her needing to ask. His issue is that his past baggage with his ex wife stealing money and all the exhausting financial battles he had with her is preventing him from being financially united with this new wife, so he needs to heal from that wound from his past
So he should give her all the Money so she can leave him? 🥴
So he should give her all the Money so she can leave him? 🥴
You can tell she’s still hasnt full realized the gravity of the situation. She’s like, “well i…i mean i could’ve been more assertive.” Like GIRL!!!! This man could care less how assertive you are! He knows what he’s doing. He’s abusing you and treating you like a crazy person and after a while you start becoming a little delusional if the gaslighting goes on long enough. You gotta get tf outta there!
This is why your single lol
@Beat Down single life is hard to beat TBH
Why do you have to take power from women? She allowed this in her life. She allowed to corner her that she doesn't know HER financial situation. Sure, blame this man, get her divorced and then what? Find another one exact one as she cannot take care of herself? She laughs as a kid that doesn't know what to reply and doesn't want to give the wrong answer. Perhaps she was looking for a daddy not a husband. Sure, the partners need to support each other. But at the end of the day her trauma and her attitude is hers to deal with. By blaming others, you give them the power. Why aren't you in situation like this? Is there shortage of jerks? No, because you chose to value yourself.
@@Aristaifly I get that. But like you said she's traumatised so she picks jerk hence the sympathy. A healthy person wouldn't do it. A health person wouldn't paint him as an angel. This is why people have to call him what he is for her to snap out of it
@@dearbrave4183 so instead of people calling ''Ypu have trauma, you're important, take care of yourself' you suggest to blame someone else. Ok. good luck with that. Let me know the statistics whether this method works or not. Cause I don't see it working. It will isolate the person and bring her closer to the bad guy. But again, good luck.
I've started watching this channel as a reminder that I'm happily divorced and happily single!
That’s really sad
@@williambeast8665 where is your wife?
As a lawyer I can tell you - this is financial control. A extremely common for of it. Girl, talk with someone of your family, make a escape plan and FIND A LAWYER!! RUN TO THE HILLS, PLEASE. The next step is fiscal violence.
The comment does not make sense; I am betting you are not a lawyer.
As a lawyer..? You don't need to be a lawyer to know that.
Thank you, for saying this.
A lawyer that can't spell?
A lawyer with so many mistakes in such a short comment. Smells fishy.
🤐🤐Unfortunately, most women do not realize that they are the "hired help" (cook, clean, in-house sex) and not a real spouse.
Unpaid help. Slave. As just a nanny, I was paid a salary PLUS free living space, free use of car, gas money, free food, and DAYS OFF. If I had to clean, I would have been paid an additional salary for housekeeping (but they already had a maid paid to do it). A cook gets another salary.
I get that most people can't afford to hire all those workers...so men just get a wife and expect her to do all that for free boarding with no guaranteed retirement plan, no support, etc. It is sick and twisted.
My mom was a happy full time homemaker her whole life and my dad provided everything and they combined all resources and assets. They were a great TEAM. He wouldn't have been nearly as successful without her, and she wouldn't have had an income without him. They raised 8 kids and ran a successful company.
That was the situation I found myself in.
a bang maid slave
Have a brother inlaw who’s divorced, two older kids, still looking for a ‘good housewife’ who’s to cook, clean, and spread legs for him and haven’t found that maid to marry
I didnt even get paid. He took my disability and still expected me to be the perfect slave and make the children behave perfectly at all times.
It’s not borderline abuse. It’s full on abuse. It will lead to physical abuse. She needs to escape asap and see an attorney. She has a right to access marital money.
Also, get on birth control!
Let me get this correct!
- She's an adult
- She can get a job, if she really wants to
- they started their relationship without combining finances
- they are continuing the same bargain that they made.
AND, THAT'S ABUSE???
@@kingdele01so you are exactly one of those 💯
@@Dhyaam5989 sorry, I'm not following you.
@@kingdele01huh???
So she's just given birth and he 'hasn't wanted to combine their finances'? What does he expect her to live on? It's his JOB to provide for her while she's in that vulnerable state. Instead, he's putting the mother of his child through the indignity of having to beg him for money.
It's CRAZY how much of a doormat she's being and how much of an abuser this guy is. He wants a slave, not a partner and if she stays, it's probably only a matter of time before he hits her, because financial control is often just the start of abuse.
If she stands up for herself, the treatment will get worse.
It really is.
@@tamiwatchesstuff It will get worse anyway until she leaves.
My ex would give me a check to get groceries and I had to tell him within $5 how much I was going to spend. I had no credit or debit cards ... he controlled all the money and I was earning more than half of it. I wised up and left. This young mother needs to do the same.
My ex would do that too. Always wanted to know how much the groceries were gonna cost and then lose his mind if I went over by even a few dollars.
This is financial abuse. One partner should not be in full financial control over the other. I have been in this position and it was terrible.
I was too, it’s terrible. My ex husband would give me $5 to go buy a loaf of bread and would ask for the change the minute I walked in the door.
She must not have friends. If my friend told me this I would call the cops and have them wait while I moved her and the baby out. In my state men can be arrested for this. It’s a crime to refuse to financially support a stay at home spouse.
Sometimes they don’t share the gravity of the situation with friends
I'd love to hear his first wife's version of how she was 'stealing' from him and her experience of his gambling problems.
No wonder she was "stealing" if he wasn't providing what was rightfully hers and gambled all their money away How else could she provide for herself?
He could be spending it all for 40 years and someday you are old and don’t have a retirement savings because he told you to “trust him”. I’m not evening diving into the rest of this illusion.
John you hit the nail on the head. This is about control, control, control. If she is a stay at home mom she won't have income to leave. I'll bet she is not on the house or car titles because he wants her completely dependent on him, and he wants her to grovel to feed his ego. Red flags all over the place!
Damn..😧 poor Thing..... ladies do better, she's laughing to try not to cry.
She says she wouldn't put up with any emotional 'stuff' but this is EMOTIONAL. Incredible.
It’s not flippant of Dr John to say it. It is absolutely 100% financial abuse. This was my parents’ marriage, it was horrific.
If my husband didn’t want to combine finances with me being a stay at home/ homeschooling mom I would require that he start to pay me a salary for the services I am providing. I guarantee he couldn’t afford me and it works out much better for him to view me as his wife not his employee.
Part of that would be a decision you have to own, choosing to marry, choosing to become a parent, choosing to stay home and homeschool. Those are the responsibilities of those roles. Either that or both the spouses needs to go to work.
@@texan903 Sure - and if you're providing those services, the financially dependent person either needs to combine finances with the breadwinner or get paid market rate for full-time nannying, teaching, having a private chef, and having a cleaner.
Lol. This is why relationships don’t work now days 🤣🤣
@@texan903 the decision was made with my husband so he has to own the responsibility to provide financially in order for me to provide the home care that he and I both value. My point is that a man can’t expect his wife to stay home and live in scarcity because she doesn’t draw an income while providing hours of services to the home, while he goes on weekend trips and blows 100s at the casino because it’s “his” money, like nope that’s not the way it works. Be a grown up and take responsibility for the lifestyle choices you have made, and if a woman finds herself married to an immature, selfish man child she should take steps to protect herself and better her situation (which will most likely require leaving the marriage) no matter what her employment status is.
@@beatdown3361 marriages don’t work because people want to function as individuals after getting married instead of a single unit working towards one goal, I would never marry a man who wouldn’t combine finances regardless of my employment status.
Take this seriously. Get a job and leave. Terrible situation.
I can't believe she went through half the show before she told John about his gambling or whatever his addiction is.
Because it doesn’t matter what the reason behind it is. What matters is, what is she gonna do now?
Gambling is like a mental program.
Once addiction is there...these husbands forget what their wife or family needs.
And she will not be a priority. Because gambling will come first.
I saw it already how many times, once a person is addicted with casino.
Gambling ruins families.
I really hate when these women laugh and then say “Yeaaaahhh!”when John points out that they are abused.
And when women stay home with no self-support and no input to the family finances it mostly doesn’t work out well.
It is almost like the men want to women working, taking the woman’s money, having their house cleaned for free, and have the children taken care of with no input from their wife. Get out of there gal. He using his extra money for drinking and gambling.
🤐🤐Unfortunately, most women do not realize that they are the "hired help" (cook, clean, in-house sex) and not a real spouse.
She is laughing because she's embarrassed
Yeah it’s embarrassment. It’s too real for her to confront and so she laughs it off when he gets too close to the pain point.
She knows she used to be strong & able, used to have goals & knowledge. Now she relies on him for everything & almost feels relieved when he's the one to blame for the bad decision makings. Of course she's embarrassed. She forgot how to hold herself accountable for her own happiness while believing all his promises to make things right.
Oh wait. That was me.
Ugh, this lady needs to RUN!! The whole banking situation is a form of control, she needs to get out!! Ladies HAVE A CAREER and a way to make money BEFORE you have children, don't let your inability to support yourself leave you stuck in an unhealthy relationship/marriage!
6:55
Before during and after you have kids women should work. This caller is why we have certain things in place. Feminism… abortion etc because of abuse and control from men
@@LisaLisaCJ Or have some passive stream of income.
When I was a teenager a wise lady taught me that even if you plan to stay home with kids, make sure you first have the education/skills that you can support yourself if you ever need to. I have kids and still work but I never forgot that.
@@millmill67 Yes, my mother taught me that because she always had to depend on men, and when my father walked out on her with three kids, she had zero education and a minimum wage job!! She struggled, but she got through, but I always said I NEVER want to struggle or depend on a man to be financially sound after watching her!
I saw this in my parents and the truth is it only gets worse. My mom ended up working 12hours plus for her 8 children and had to divorce when I was 10. I felt a relief when she decided to leave my dad.
Its a blessing.
What if he gets into a car accident? What if he gets sick? She needs access to the money and bills in case of an emergency.
NEVER be fully financially dependent on someone.
Never give a man a child he won’t provide for. 🙃
So you're saying don't have children?
@@dshe8637 tf kind of question is that?
@moon_0207 if you get pregnant and raise your own children, you're likely to be dependent on your family for some time.
If monetary independence is all that matters, there's no option for the vast majority of women to have children.
@@dshe8637 it’s still smart to have your own savings tho. Yea you should be dependent on them, but never be FULLY dependent on them. When my mom had me yea sure she depended on my dad, but she still had her own back up savings and I’m pretty sure my dad had his own savings as well. That way you don’t want to be financially trapped if something does in fact go wrong. It’s not a perfect and peaceful world out there. If you’re a realist you should understand.
There is no other solution other than divorce. Run Lady, RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO amount of therapy will help.
This dude needs a wake up call.
I agree. He sounds fucking terrible. 💔
Don’t have anymore kids with this man!!!! Leave!!!
Her voice sounds so terrified to stay in this operation of a relationship. I hope she figures it out. She sounds so sweet!
I feel so sorry for her. So much nervous laugher and so many agreeable statements because she’s in such a scary and dark place.
I feel so bad for her. She doesn’t realize how bad the situation is and she isn’t going to until he takes that next step into physical abuse. Poor girl. I hope she realizes it and gets out of there.
i wouldnt be surprised if hes cheating on her...shes a pitiful airhead.
I wasn't always a stay at home mom until my second daughter was born but now I am with two little girls and my husband always says it's our money. I feel so bad for her. What her husband is doing isn't right. I hope they get the help they need.
You know he picked right up on her not taking herself seriously & thought: “Oh good, that means I don’t have to. She’s “safe” to marry…”
I hope she can find some strength.
Hi 👋 Allie how is the weather over there
I bet she's all over social media, complaining. I'm a dude, she's a lightweight.
🤐🤐Unfortunately, most women do not realize that they are the "hired help" (cook, clean, in-house sex) and not a real spouse.
One of the most common responses to abuse is _laughing._
My dear, sweet woman~ *NONE* of this is funny. This *is* abuse.
You should not have to ask for money. Discuss? Sure! Not having access to money? Needing to ask permission? Yikes.
It's devaluing. It's neglect. It's *control.*
He either needs to change or you need to leave.
Girl, you are WORTH more than this.
It starts with control of money. Soon it will drift into other areas. Controlling sex, controlling what you wear, controlling where you go and when you leave. Well, he's already doing that last one because how CAN you leave if you don't have gas and have to ask him!😢
Also, you not having access to the money or accounts means he can *HIDE* anything he wants!
A girlfriend. Gambling. ANOTHER LIFE!
Emma, please research narcissistic abuse. Please educate yourself ♥️♥️♥️ I stayed 14 years....it's not worth it. Please get some help!
Also- to keep you out of the finances is a tool to make you dependent on THEM so you _cant_ leave!
She's not like an employee, she doesn't get paid! In the UK financial abuse is domestic abuse and is illegal.
That's a dumb law.
1. Have family or friends advance you the money for a private investigator.
2. Compile the info you receive and use it to...
3. File for divorce & full custody so you can move back to where your family & support network is.
4. Start counseling asap. Be careful because you may have been taught to accept this type of behaviour from your own family.
5. Get a job to build self reliance & confidence back up.
6. Find real love when you are living your best life again.
Really good plan 👍👍👍
That's a great plan but if the caller is codependent, she won't leave him. She'll continue to stay because she's not confident she can take care of herself without him.
I will NEVER forget. My boys were getting baptized at church. When we got to the car i realized we had no groceries for making lunch. I had a little cheese and butter, but NOTHING else.
I asked him if we could go to the store to get tortillas so we could eat quesadillas. He went OFF on me in front of everyone saying he cannot afford all my stupid luxury requests and made us go hungry.
Tortillas costed $1.50 💀
he ate out all the time so he never went hungry like we did.
That was when i started to see i was not the problem. He was.
Completely different situation!
BTW, why didn't you have a job?
Sent by satan king of darkness Always condemning pig @@kingdele01
Sorry Alicia Hope things are better
Too many men don't understand that IF you choose to start a family, your income is no longer your own, but serves your family unit (no matter whose earnings they are). I know so many tragic stories of men, particularly in the older generation, acting like their family is taking away from their money and their lifestyle, when they are the literal breadearner.
My father told me the story of how when he was a child, his father got back from a 2-week sailing trip in the Caribbean, went on and on about how awesome it was, and then when my grandma asked for money to buy pants for my father because he was outgrowing all of his pairs, my grandfather just responded: "We don't have money for that right now." BS. He had a high-income job and came from a wealthy family, they were technically somewhat rich, but meanwhile, my grandmother was essentially living in poverty, begging him for scraps for every single purchase needed for the household. She was at home caring for their 3 young children, one of whom has a disability. As soon as it was possible, she went back to work, but if you have several small or disabled children, it makes sense for one parent to be at home for a while. My grandfather also blamed her for getting pregnant several times - this was back in the 60s/70s, but last time I checked, it takes 2 to tango.
My maternal grandfather was insanely jealous and very abusive towards my grandmother, including forbidding her from getting a job, to maintain control over her. She also lived off of a pittance of an allowance to take care of the home and children, and it was often not enough. She scrimped and saved, gardened and couponed to make ends meet, while he bought luxury items for himself, fed his addiction and entertained various prostitutes and mistresses over the years.
My boyfriend's parents kind of take the cake though. His father also forbade his mother from working under threat of violence, her responsibility being taking care of the home and their three children. Not only did his father spend his money lavishly as he liked without any consideration for his family, on alcohol, prostitutes and mistresses, and who knows what else, leaving his wife to beg for money to make ends meet. He would often not even give her that and/or disappear for weeks on end. There were many times when the family went hungry, was malnourished from eating the cheapest of foods, or being sent to eat with relatives because their father was so busy spending "his" money on himself that he let his family starve.
All these stories have in common the words, though spoken in different languages across the world and through time: "This is MY money." No sir, not when your wife isn't allowed/able to work and you have literal dependent children at home.
People like this are insanely selfish, have no respect for their family, and should never marry or have children.
If she is not crying, I am because that’s what I am currently going through now 😢😢😢
It may not feel like it, but hope is right there, and leaving is possible. Find an organization or shelter in your area. They'll help you with an escape plan and other resources.
He will not change. Ever.
Hi , what have you done about your situation? How are you? Sending you good wishes!
I hope you’re doing okay now!!
@@heidibonjourit hasn’t changed, it has actually changed me completely that I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
She has been subjected to so much abuse that she has become a shell of a person... that's why it is difficult for her to connect to her real emotions...
I know this some. I lived married for 38 1/2 years. Only when my son was in critical condition from a motor vehicle accident. That I then woke up to what I no longer would accept. I started 1 step at a time and got out. 4 years later I finally got it all settled. I now own my own home by myself. Own my own car. Went to college. And in a healthy relationship with a wonderful wonderful man. Who truly treats me mine a princess. It has been 5 months of heaven. Only when the woman or man decides they have had enough. Will their lives be different. No one can tell them to change. They have to. I was the one. Who said no more. My ex said, I didn't think you would ever do this to me. Well he found out. My kids know Mom is happy now.
My sister is married in a relationship like this. Although she's the breadwinner and her husband doesn't work. He just sits at home and drinks and watches TV. He controls all of the money and she has to ask him for her money so she can have dinner with friends, etc. Decades later and it's like Stockholm syndrome. She could leave, but she doesn't and she can no longer make decisions for herself. She also doesn't even ask or try to do things with friends anymore.
Ken yuor sister is very sad stupid situation that she’s allowed from the beginning how sad she works she’s feeding him his vice he’s cheating on her with her money seriously how stupid can yu be did he put a spell or voodoo on yuor sister or she’s so insecure and ugly to think she won’t get a man there something wrong here she need therapy and love herself she’s has self esteem issues sad sad for her
That’s sad but then again she has a choice and is refusing to leave. Not much more you can do.
It is just easier to give in.
Awful 😢 Praying she gets out, nobody deserves that
This women is going to have a breakdown. 😳 She selected the wrong individual to marry and give a child too. This is a horrible man, he needs help as in counseling.
Yep. She choose the wrong man to marry and create a child with.
this is horrible....hes prolly cheating and, in major debt and he will leave her broke and homeless......I need an update on this!!!!
Counseling won't help him.
We can be sure he won't go or will find something wrong with any counselor
To those commenting that this man is an addict has another family on the side, this will eventually turn physically violent etc...Most likely, this guy is a straight-up narcissist!
I wasted 21 years of my life in that very same situation!
I kept making excuses for him, afraid that I couldn't make it on my own and afraid that I would wind up in an even worse situation.
There is no sweeter feeling than the feeling of freedom!
I agree. I was with a narcissist for 20+ years. Never knew what narcissism was, but knew something was wrong. Thank God I finally learned about narcissism. It made everything make sense. Our relationship had deteriorated into physical abuse.
@@Hatbox948 And you, I'm positive that you had a lot of inner healing to do and just simply finding yourself again! Hugs
John stop the sarcasm. It is nasty and hard to hear from anyone. Especially a counselor
@@wagonshoewho are you talking to
Poor thing. She’s just agreeing with everything John says too. She’s just agreeable to keep the peace.
Dr. Delony, you were spot on with this one. I was married to a man for 11 years who did not want to share our finances. Why? Because he had a horrible gambling addiction. He refused to get help, so I divorced him. After the divorce I bought a house for me and my son and I'm so, so, so much happier! 10 years post-divorce, my ex, who made $130K, still lives in a 2-bedroom run-down apartment with a community laundry room. So glad I left!
It’s crazy in this day and time we still have this foolishness going on. Begging for gas and baby money from your husband? She’s giggling I mean I can’t
Right the giggles got me. There's no way she can leave that situation if she still finds a way to laugh about it. I pity mostly the kids. Sadly no one chooses their parents.
She’s embarrassed and uncertain of herself. She probably feels really stupid.
Her giggle is a way to try to be polite and cover her pain.
Well she should feel stupid because she is. We have the internet now, there is no reason for people to feign ignorance and continue to be willfully ignorant in regards to whatever situation they are in. It is very easy to come to a quick conclusion when it comes to what she is dealing with.
A relationship is just that, a relationship, a covenant and agreement between two people. If the husband tells her she cannot work, then he has to be the one to give her money and access to the finances, not have her ask or beg for money from him. If he refuses, then she should refuse his terms of her not working as well. It's as simple as that. When a guy acts like this, it is pretty obvious the relationship should be over. You are not going to be able to have a happy, respectful and loving life with that person. Only an idiot would stay and continue to endure that bs. There is no excuse anymore in this day and age. So yes, she should feel quite stupid because it is blatant stupidity.
There's a reason it still works, fear is a powerful tool.
I used to live like this. 14 years like this. Remarried for 14 years to a wonderful man. I had no idea how not normal life was during my first marriage. He was also abusive. I pray for her. The laughing is a coping mechanism to not cry. Prayers and love for this woman.❤
I appreciate every time John points out how kids absorb the tension. I grew up with parents that loved us kids to death but were constantly at each other. I'm talking, a typical week would involve them not being on speaking terms several days out of the seven. Constant emotional and verbal abuse from my Dad to my Mom, nothing was ever good enough, he'd tell her to be grateful because no one else would even treat her that good because that's all she was worth, etc.
Thank God my mom finally got to a breaking point and told her in-laws what was going on. They love her and were appalled and told my Dad he better stop raising their grandkids in that environment and pushed him into therapy. Things got better and they actually like each other now, but I can still feel that lump in the pit of my stomach whenever I think back to sitting on the floor of my closet trying to tune out their latest arguments. It really messes with kids and we've had to do a lot of healing ourselves before we were able to build good relationships for ourselves.
❤❤❤❤❤
Thanks for the comment. I am in similar situation for 18 years, except my husband gives me a credit card to spend on necessities. I don’t have to ask for pennies. I do think it hurts our 3 sons but I don’t know how to change that. I met with the fellowship mom at church. She gave me a book about submitting to the husband. I don’t have any family in this country. I know he treats me wrong. I don’t know if my in laws would be on my side because they think their son (husband) is an angel. He’s calm and quiet and can do no wrong. Should I talk to his older sister? She seems the normal one.
I learned that the silent treatment IS emotional abuse/control. When my ex was mad at me, he wouldn’t talk to me or our daughter. When I could no longer put up with all of his negative behaviors, I left.
@@lifeseries7944 If you are in a bad situation (emotional, physical, verbal, psychological abuse), and you know your partner won’t change, please get out. You will need to create a plan. You will need to decide how to leave. I chose to leave when I knew my ex was going to be gone for a while. Why? Leaving abusive situations can be extremely dangerous. I didn’t tell him anything. I planned for months. I spent time cleaning and organizing the things that I wanted to take with me. I started hiding the things I wanted in places where I knew he wasn’t going to look. I hid things in the trunk of my car in the spare tire compartment. I arranged to have friends help me. I rented a storage unit and a U-Haul truck. You might want to find a women’s shelter in your community. Women’s shelters frequently have resources. Don’t depend on his parents to be there for you. Their loyalty lies with him. Here are some books for you to read: The Verbally Abusive Relationship; The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?; Controlling People. All books are by Patricia Evans. I would call up Barnes and Noble and order the books by phone. The books can be shipped to a store, and you can pick them up. DO NOT order these books online. That will just leave a paper trail. You don’t want that.
If my husband refused to combine finances I would refuse to be a stay at home mom and would be lining myself up to end the marriage. I’m not asking for an allowance from my husband like a child so I can buy basic household items.
The way severely abused women think they're save just because he hasn't hit them blow my mind. The simple fact that she's trying to figure out how to get more money from him is a major red flag. My son's father and I have separate finances but I send him a list of things he should buy. I'm never afraid to add things for myself and I always get things I don't ask for.
i can hundred percent relate. we had a talk that was just like this and i settled for crumbs and then i realized its none of this is right, or normal. But he acts like i should be grateful. I cried listening to this
Jennifer, I pray you will have a strong, outside support system to be able to do what Dr John said. I'm so sorry for your situation and I sincerely hope it can change.
its crazy how hard it is to leave and the way they act when they know your ready to leave. hes been acting entirely different for one week. It does a number on your mind. But hes starting to show himself again. I wish i had left the when things got bad each time. But i had its gonna be hard you just gotta try harder. but sadly i have nothing left to give and my daughters old enough she sees. i have to leave for her. he makes me feel absolutely crazy.
Keep a journal, so gaslighting isn't working on you anymore. Be true to yourself
@@mindoablues thank you. ive really been listening to these podcasts and they have helped me realise that its not me( never had a problem before) and see whats happening and going on. Ive just got to get over my fears and take it as it comes.
Hi Jennifer please leave the relationship, you deserve to feel emotionally safe and to have a happy life. You only have one life
I am a stay at home mom as well & my partner has full financial control and I have to ask for everything the same. I literally stand at the register and wait for an Apple Pay at checkout. I finally just took a picture of his card and my only financial freedom I have now is buying everything online. I literally got scolded for buying $80 worth of clothes without asking him the first time I did it. I’ve known I’m uncomfortable with this but didn’t realize it could be a form of control..
I am a child of this kind of spousal abuse from my parents, my mom tolerated it, until the day came my father refused to let my sister go to the hospital because it was too expensive and rather fund his expensive hobbies. She was literally dying and it took me threatening to take her myself before they did anything because they got scared cps would get involved if i took her, and i did come very close to calling cps, i regret having not done it.
Dont let it happen to you, because my mom was abused for so long she justifies his behavior and was letting my sister die as well.
Why are you tolerating this? For real why???
@@grazylisasince we're online people could be anywhere in the world, there are different counties and cultures make for those types of situations as well. Which makes it extremely harder or easier to be able to get out of those situations safely especially if the spouse had made it clear to consequences of trying to do so. That's a thing they do as well.
I had no idea this was a thing. We've always had joint accounts and we spend what we need to spend. We both stick to the budget. She doesn't ask for money. I'm her husband not her dad.
The people that don't see this as abusive is insane. There is more going on then she is admitting I'm sure he rages and all to keep her in check.
Not combining your income with a woman who doesn't have any savings, as soon as she has to leave due to pregnancy, is not abusive.
This is the reason why i never want to be a stay at home mom. The thought of having to depend financially on somebody is scary. It’s always going to be their money first.
AMEN!!!!!!
Those days are all but gone despite alot of people still holding onto the dreams of what they never had.
I totally understand what you are saying, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Sort out financial expectations and behaviors before you have children. In this call there is no question money is being used as a situation of control. Ideally she would make an accounting of household expenses and say I need X$ transferred to my account on the first of every month. If he is not agreeable to that, she needs to make a plan to get out. Literally anything can be used as a control tool, but money is one of the easiest. Sex and physical violence are right up there. Some people don’t realize they are being a holes, but most do.
@@lilolmecj Even if it is discussed before marriage/children, people change their minds. The spouse that doesn't contribute financially is always the most vulnerable. And it can work out with the right partner but that level of vulnerability personally makes me nervous.
@@melionaire I absolutely understand what you are saying. And people do change. Depending on your situation possibly you can save and independently invest your money before marriage and children, and or build some sort of business that provides passive income, at least for a few years . As for me, if I had been forced to choose between parking my children in day care at six weeks to work for $$ or being childless, I would have chosen to be childless. That is not a judgement against those who choose differently, it is just me. A cooperative situation where both parents work opposite schedules might be a good solution also.
She sounds aussie too, i hope she has some family near here too that she can talk to and lean on because her support system could be thousands of miles away :( poor woman, i really hope she get away from this abusive situation.
So… Basically you have no finances if your husband won’t combine finances. She needs to get a job and leave.
Definitely needs too get a job
At this point this generation there’s no reason to be married if you’re going to have to work a job and be full-time caregiver what’s the point you’re just doing all the work while he lays back and gets all the reward
She gets a join the less support he has to pay. Better for the child for both parents to be financially stable. Also keeps more drama pout of the courtroom and money out of lawyers pockets
@@PinkSpice19 that has more to do with having kids than being married. The woman has to do most/all of the work with kids regardless of whether she’s married or not.
Yeah she thinks she can do it all on her own then go. Lol
iv been there. 10 years of it. i finally put my foot down 17 months ago. It was terrifying. He tried to sink me. My kids and i went to the safe house for the second time. Watching this brings it all back up, but with Gods help we escaped and got my life back. Im doing better than ever. I am so glad i said no more.
It wasn't easy to get back on my feet but here we are 🎉
Omgsh Emma girl I live in Vegas. I just want to give you a huge hug. Please, if you need a place to go, I'm here, I'm in town. I could help you find a church and resources you need to get out. I don't know you but my prayers are with you.
This reminds me of my grandparents. My grandma always worked, but my grandad always controlled the money. Even now she gets a small spending allowance.
She kept talking over John. I mean I know she was nervous because of her laughing, but she called him for a reason. She needed more quiet time to listen to what he was saying because I don’t think she gets how bad this situation is.
I have a problem with Dr. John saying that she needs to “be more assertive.” What he doesn’t realize is that when you try to stand up to or “be assertive” with an abuser the abuse just gets worse and worse and often devolves into emotional, verbal, psychological and even physical abuse. Abusers are usually narcissists and are never able to admit fault or change their behavior. Once you realize you’re in an abusive relationship, the only way to fix it is to leave. And even leaving can be difficult/dangerous because they can come after you so you have to have a plan in place.
I don't think he said that. He said we can all stand to be more assertive and develop that as a skill, but her issues in her marriage go far beyond assertiveness.
That's what he said.
Totally agree
Dr D is an empath. Lovely soul. Very smart.
Ohhh my! Do not have another baby!
Her laughter actually brought tears to my eyes!
He will not change!!! He will pretend too, to manipulate you.
I hope she’s laughing because she is nervous!! This is not a laughing matter she is being financially held hostage. I nearly spit out my lunch at her question! 💔💔💔💔
This laughter is one of nervousness and feeling of shame and an I dont know how this happened to me? Feeling.
@@anisestar891 allow yourself to feel that shame . If you keep fighting it off and laughing, you will never have enough of this shameful situation in order to leave. You will put up with worse to further traumatise your kids and give them a bad example about relationships
He was married before. She probably escaped. She sounds foreign. He married a foreigner this time to have the upper hand and total control, which he does. He will not change and he does not love her. He is using her. Get out ASAP!!
She's Australian. I am Australian so her accent is obvious to me. I was in an abusive relationship in a foreign land with a guy like this at the age of 22 but I got out after 6 months.
He knows he has the upper hand because she has put all her eggs in one basket.
Her support network is obviously thousands of miles away (and I would bet money that the only support network she has nearby is the ready made one; his gaslit friends or equally narcissistic family who are probably telling her how wonderful he is and how lucky she is to have him and that she is the problem in the marriage and she needs to change).
She has probably chosen to be dependent on him in the hopes of living permanently in the US. I am not saying she doesn't love him but she probably would not have chosen this particular guy if it wasn't for him being an American citizen who was willing to marry her. He is using her because he likes the control she has given him.
Thank God I came across this video. I'm working full time from home and our finances aren't combined. We even sat down with the pastor and the pastor stated we need a joint account. You know what my husband did after the meeting he felt like we didn't need to do that and that he wasn't ready. He made every excuse in the book and in the beginning of the relationship he had me paying all the bills while he hoard all his money I got fed up and split everything down the middle. I am going to take the advice he gave to the lady and I might have to throw up the ✌️.
How did it go?
Wish you, that it goes well for you. And that your husband will understand and that you both can make change!
@@wf4983 I haven't approached him yet about it. I'm a little scare 😅.
@@blacksunshinebright do it. It will be hard but stick with it and it will be worth it.
Why would you pay for everything and let him pay for nothing? A guy like that is dead weight.
She's got so used to putting on that "yeaaah, it's all fiiine" mask, the poor thing! I hope she gets support and puts her foot down.
John's face is everything
Financial abuse is so difficult to identify and for the victim to accept. I hope this woman is able to follow Dr. Deloney’s advice.
You knew your husband was an idiot before you married him. Never marry someone who thinks there are gender roles. Being a stay at home parent has nothing to do with income. I've never had to choose between my daughter and my career. If you do, your boss is an idiot or your husband is an idiot. He needs to be stepping up so you can have your career as well.
But not this husband, he's a lost cause. You need to call a lawyer to talk for an hour or so about how to remove yourself and your baby from the home without upsetting the courts and then move out and get divorced. Move in with your parents or a friend until you can find gainful remote work employment.
Look up the "Power and Control Wheel", print it out, and highlight all the things your husband is doing. That will be your court case if your fool husband fights anything. You're getting sole custody and child support.
There’s nothing wrong with gender roles. Now don’t go out to the other extreme. Men and women complement each other and both have different things they bring to the table in a marriage and when raising kids. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a wife staying home and the husband working. We do that and my husband is not at all like this person. I’ve made $0 in our nearly 7 year marriage. But have full access to all our finances. I actually manage all of our expenses. We are 1 as it’s supposed to be. What’s his is mine, what’s mine is his.
@@alqoshgirl false
My sister was a stay at home mom of two for 8 years. She's never worked during those times period and yet she's never had to ask her husband for gas money. His money is their money. Her husband is not like this caller's husband. My sister and her husband make financial decisions together even though she doesn't work.
This caller simply chose the wrong guy to marry and create a child with. This caller didn't choose her husband wisely.
I'm all for gender roles!
But the two genders each have to actually live up to their roles.
I would love to have a talk with her and tell her about my experience with the same thing. Get out now and don't end up ruining your life over this Man 😢
I have lost 25 years lying to myself.
Humiliation and rage😢
She seems like such a sweetheart. I wish her all the best.
This right here is the main reason to never be stay at home mom. If you do it, do it while the kids are young and as soon as they can go to school go back to work.
Orrrr not marry an abuser. Parents should be able to raise their own kids without fear of abuse
@@Ladyerica54 so you think all women who were abused in their marriage knew they were marrying an abuser? People really don't show their true color until they feel that they have you trapped. People are literally walking around with masks... hope no woman you know finds herself in that situation. Looks like you will happily blame her for it.
I was married for 10 years to someone who did this. 7 years of marriage counseling and countless counselors, he was hoping to find one who would validate his financial abuse. I left bc I didn’t want my daughters to think that was normal or acceptable.
UGH !!!! Hearing this is painful!!Emma please leave - I experienced this exact thing. My now adult children were affected much more than I realized. I left at 28 years ( my kids were still in school) the price I was paying to stay in that marriage was TOO HIGH. Leaving was the best decision I EVER MADE! Life is comfortable - chaos free I am living in peace!
I went thru this. It is absolutely horrific and disgusting abuse. Him telling her that his first wife stole from him is an OUT RIGHT LIE!!!! He controlled her and the financials and his first wife probably had enough and try to take money to get away from him and his abuse and his controlling ways.... how do I know because I did the same thing. He then tells the courts I STOLE FROM HIM when in fact I have a message saying I took 10,000 of OUR MONEY AS WE ARE MARRIED TO GET AWAY FROM YOU AND YOUR ABUSE!!!.
This women is in danger. He will leave you when you keep on telling him that you want equal partnership and he will put a property settlement of 95% to him and 5% to you at the end of the relationship and then he will get into his new relationship with someone who is absolutely oblivious to his abuse and need for control and tell his new chick that you STOLE FROM HIM!!!!
This man is extremely dangerous and it is Coercive Control which is Domestic Violence.... LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE..... this is me telling you as I was you.
I didn't realize I was being abused until after I asked him to leave.. it got so bad. It required some space, wisdom from friends, pastors, and therapists to really put a spotlight on his behaviour vs all the things I tried to make it better.
I also read a book "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. What a way to open my eyes. The percentage of men who can own their abusive behaviour and turn the other way is less than 10%. And that's only counting the men in the study who were court ordered, reported, or participated in batterers intervention programs.... not including all those who are never caught....
That’s a really good book!
The laughing is off-putting...
It's actually more like sad
She is disconnected from her emotions. He has been gaslighting her for so long that she doesn't trust her perception of anything so she doesn't have the confidence to feel her own natural responses. That's why she is eager to agree with Dr John. She is being broken down mentally and trained into being passive. She knows he's right and is initially laughing it off as a defence mechanism. She is suffering from having a suppressed or delayed response to everything because her husband has her walking on eggshells.
This is a very sad and scary situation. I was in a relationship in a foreign land for 6 months just like this.
My aunt was abused financially and emotionally. He wouldn’t give her money for anything beyond bare expenses. She wasn’t even allowed to buy new clothes or get a haircut. She had to ask her sisters to send their old clothes. It’s straight up abuse. She tried to kill herself too.
I’m sure there’s so much more to this story…
Wowza…🤯
The saddest part is that I’m sure she won’t tell him anything about it and stay with him and endure the abuse.
Emotional, Psychological, and financial abuse for you and your child. Find anything to give you strength and motivation to get out. Your child and you deserve so much more.
He has (at the very least) a gambling addiction.
I don't buy the story of his first wife stealing from him. It sounds like an excuse he's using not to be open about where the money goes.
classic lie all users fabricate, maybe she should contact the ex for a wake up.
Get out of there! There is help out there for you. Take care of you and your sweet baby. Her shakey laughing voice really scares me. How much will she accept until the physical abuse starts.
Initially I would say it was just nerves being on a public call-in, but it kept going on throughout the call. Not just the laughing, but the sing-songy/bouncy voice when she speaks. I think she might be on the verge of a mental breakdown. I hate to say this, she should leave him and leave the baby with him, because she is very close to being a danger to the baby (think Andrea Yates case). Since he is so controlling with the budget, let him figure out daycare expenses, baby food/formula, doctor visits, etc. She needs to go for help ASAP, whether it is staying with family or professional help, just take time away from the baby because she is not mentally stable at this point (not her fault).
He's definitely hiding something.
His first wife was abused too. She was not steeling money, she tried to survive just like you. You are his second victim.
He has a family on the side, or an addiction that he's hiding.
Now, let's bring the husband on the call to get the other side of the story.
that was my suspicion. he might have something to hide.
Yep I would love to hear his side of the story
What are you hoping to hear that justifies this type of abuse?
Not necessarily. My dad treated my mom like that. Controlled money tightly. She got a meager weekly allowance that left nothing for her personally. But dad had his bass boat and his beer. One car. She was a prisoner.
I think she is holding on for dear life to not have a nervous breakdown.
I grew up in the flds cult, and every man was like this. My husband wouldn't help me with any work around the house and I had 6 kids in 10 years. Not only that I was required to homeschool my kids and make lunches for my husband his brothers every day. My only budget was foodstamps.
Why did you keep having kids with a man that didnt help with his kids??
@@Lalalu74 it was part of the religion. The kids were the woman's job. And I was a very devout follower
were you part of Warren Jeff’s group? amazing that you got out ❤