A New Way Of Defining Narcissism
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- Опубліковано 25 лис 2024
- Narcissism is displayed when individuals have a chronic need to control, show low empathy, are exploitive, and are entitled. Recognizing this, Dr. Les Carter goes behind the scenes and asks: What is it in human nature that prompts a person to take on these traits? By identifying the single driving force behind narcissism, he offers an insightful, clear definition of this disorder. Be prepared for an eye-opening, concise way of understanding narcissism in a new light.
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Living with a narcissist is like swimming in the middle of the sea. You swim and swim and swim believing you'll reach some distant shore with this person. Eventually, you realize that there is no shore, there is no safe harbor, there is no love to be found there. It is just you and the empty ocean.
Dr. C - this was a superlative presentation today!
Swimming no shore, exhausting, lonely and scary (terrifying).
For sure finding enough self love within yourself enough to refuse on giving up hope altogether while trusting the Lord when trying to swim for your life in the middle of an ocean or in a fast moving river too sure does help instead of continuing to trust only in whoever was determined to throw us in there in the first place is a good strategy to have no matter how old a person is at the time.
Very sad but very true
They are destructive people
Very good analogy, they are a waste of skin, stay at distance and warn your friend’s of these soulless people, name them and shame them.
Great metaphor. The shore is a mirage - moving target 🎯. I feel like I’m treading water-don’t want to drown
Someone told me once: "I think it is good to be a narcissist. They seem to take it so easy, getting away with everything, just moving on, leaving everything behind. Their life is good, they are invincible." I (as a daughter of a narc dad, now in the no contact, healing process after 47 years of abuse) replied: "Nope. No matter how much I suffered in the past or might be suffering in the future, I would never ever swap places with a narc. Because they lack the one and only thing that makes us worth being a human. That is love."
More specifically they lack a soul
Actually the vast majority of the time, it's a dreadful experience to be a narcissist. Though they seem to have an edge in getting what they want, they never get to really enjoy it. And that's the better-off of narcissists.
@@nickpapageorgio4835 not totally true. Some of them are quite okay with themselves.
Absolutely agreed. Whats life without feeling love inside you, love for life, love for others, even true love for yourself.
Excellent
1:55 “Narcissism is the absence of love”
Narcissists don't really want to be loved, they want to be worshipped and adored..!!
It hits so hard to realise, that he never actually loved me. He was always hesitant to say the words, he had a problem with me saying the words. So we just we were just not saying them. And few times he even confessed, that he is not sure if he is capable of feeling love, and that he is just not feeling it in the way I am describing it. He often confused temporary emotions with love or its absence, like passion or anger.
Shame is the driving force behind narcissism. They are so lacking in self confidence and develop a deep inferiority complex because of their shame. They overcompensate by acting overly confident, in control and superior. They become highly competitive to appease their inner voice that is telling them they are no good. They show no empathy because it never developed in them. This is why they are especially triggered by people with empathy and self confidence and want to snuff it out in them. These are traits they will never have and they know it deep down, which fuels more shame.
Their inner voice isn’t lying.
It’s the voice that comes out of their demonic meatsuit…. Lies, ALL LIES!
Well said.
I was raised by one of these monsters and it took me most of my adult life to figure this out! Very well said!
@@jcsrst same here and I slowly became like them. Needless to say, this led to a lot of failures in life.
My narcissist husband had no idea how much I once loved him and was so proud of him. But he burned me out, and I couldn't take the absence of love I got in return. After 28 years, I gave up.
Steph L. R. Good on you and I've had to give up on beloved family members as well. I've also learnt that I didn't love my ex-partners, like I thought I did, so it will be a whole new experience IF it ever happens in my life. ❤
@@cyndigooch1162 My thinking is that I picked the first one and it was a mess. I'll let God choose, if He wants me to have a healthy relationship with a man who we can bless each other's lives. If not, I'm Good!
You didn’t give up, no the game was finally over. Final score: you gained wisdom, he did not.
Keep the winning streak going.
Into God’s hands you now rest.
I have been married to mine 22 years ago and realized 5 or 6 years ago I married someone who is incapable of love.
I wonder if my wife really knew how much I loved her? She had been grinding me down the last few months especially. She made me leave her, and I broke my own heart in doing so!
Some people will watch this and think, "So all I have to do is show Love to a Narcissist, and they will be cured". That's not what Dr. Carter is advocating. These suggestions are excellent for healthy people to show to healthy people, but be extremely careful if you try to show Love to Narcissists. Narcissists view Love as Vulnerability, and therefore weakness. They exploit anything they view as weakness.
Just what I was thinking. For years, I blamed myself for the actions of the narc in my life because I thought I wasn't a Christian enough of a loving woman. Things got so bad for me. The more I gave the more he put me down and used his military learned tactics of "conquer and control" on me to pressure me to do more: earn more money, cook better food, keep a perfect house with no help (even though my job was more demanding on a daily basis) don't bother him to get me to the hospital when having a baby!! I wanted to please die.
@@surlif hope you're feeling better now🧡
This hits the nail on the head: love or a lack of love is at the root of all relationships. Thank you.
Very true
Yes, it’s the simplicity of all the commandments being swept up into ‘Love God & love your neighbour’ and we need to love & appreciate ourselves (despite family negativity & disapproval) first 💖
The sin that ALL people are born into plus a childhood situation that influenced them... not always trama btw ... Bywitch permission or control was absent & left unchecked or delt with is a pathway to unseen adversaries allowing entrance to the mind that only a personally desired devine renewal can bring back to LIFE. 🙏 🛐
Genuine love is selfless. Narcissists are incapable of genuine love. I finally realized that my malignant narcissist father was incapable of what I wanted from him: to be loved. Earning his love was and is mission impossible because my father is incapable of love. The only thing my father cares about connecting with is money and self-importance.
Your comment really resonates. My sadistic narc father accused me of not loving him so i asked him what i would do differently if i loved him. He said i would do everything he said, try to please him and agree with him on everything no matter what i thought or felt. He called it giving him the love and respect due a parent. So i was quiet for a while and then i said. Well, you're absolutely right. By that description i don't love you, can't love you, and never will. Since then he has said he loves me in an effort to hear me say it back but i don't. I have him on a very narrow behavior plan and as long as he doesn't act out we are in touch. When he acts out, all contact ends. It's been a workable arrangement for about 2 decades.
I hear you. I knew mine wouldn't listen to me if I tried to tell him I wanted his love because he'd think that was code for "I want you to pay for a boob job" (or whatever other expensive thing he thought I wanted). These are incredibly twisted, emotionally stunted people who think love means giving expensive gifts, and they don't even do that unconditionally. They always expect you to "pay it back" somehow, and you'll hear about it if they don't think you're grateful enough towards them, loud and often.
I hope you're doing okay now. I know how much being raised by narc parents can damage you.
@@2012jordie but isn’t love is giving, not taking? We don’t demand others love us, or take it for granted. We can GIVE love with no condition, but we shouldn’t demand or ask people to give us unconditional love. IMO.
@@joincoffee9383 True, but loving their children is not something a parent should have to be instructed or even coerced to do. It's in the job description. Therefore, holding a parent responsible for not loving their children is not wrong. Children of narc parents usually know better than to attempt this conversation with their parent(s) anyway because they think they're the ultimate experts in childrearing and can simply do no wrong.
@@tahiyamarome Sounds like my mother. I too tried to keep her on "grey rock" terms because she was just as much of a victim of my narc father as I was and I didn't wish to punish her further, but I had to cut her off too in the end. The regular attempts at hoovering were causing me too much stress.
One more thing. Ross Rosenberg came up with a new term : Self-Love Deficit Disorder.
He said Narcs/emotional abusers and their victims are two sides of the same coin. Both sides lacked the love and nurturing they each craved while growing up.
It’s sadly true, one is only magnetically attracted to what they know and familiar with regarding relationships.
Nah. A narsisisst suffers from arrested deveolpment. YOU suffer from childhood trauma. THEY havent grown beyond their infancy, but you have. The only similarities is that YOU have traumas at the same place in time where THEY still reside! It has nothing to do with self love deficiency. The traumatized parts from childhood in a normal person will meet a person who have ALL their parts in that childhood. Thats how they can retraumatize you. They sniff out what parts of you are still residing in childhood, bcz since they still live there 100% and you are confused over your childhood parts, THEY can SEE you ,but you cant see them. This is their one and only dirty trick. Heal your childhood traumas and that raggedy narc dont have any doors to creep into you anymore
And this is why one never feels comfortable in the presence of a narcissist.
Never!!!
prschuster I spotted a so-called narcissistic friend in the city where I live the other night and literally ran away! He had his head down, so didn't see me, then I bumped into him anyway. I was "saved" by him having to do something personal though.
He goes to the same place as me to socialise and I managed to avoid him nearly all night by staying at the back. He saw me in the end, then I was "saved" again, because I was talking to someone else at the time.
He started to criticise everything I said and did and used the old, "you can't handle jokes" trick on me, which I've had more than enough of since I was a child, so it's unbearable to be in his presence now. In fact, I'm getting to the stage where I despise highly narcissistic individuals, who put me down and tell me what to do, whereas I used to have compassion. 🏃♀️
@@cyndigooch1162 it is interesting how they can criticize us but cannot handle criticism themselves.
Narcissism is defined by the absence of love. A life well-lived is immersed in love. Thank you dr Carter❤ God bless you❤
This is why it’s so hard to explain narcissistic parents to others who have “normal” upbringings. It’s assumed parents love their children, but narcissists are not capable of genuine love. Covert narcissist parents may even learn to say the words “I love you” as part of their manipulation.
Totally agree! They say one thing but do the opposite.
Bingo. A covert narc mother is the reason I was afraid to hear the words "I love you". (The overt narc father stopped saying "I love you" altogether once it became clear to him I wasn't going to live up to his expectations for me and treated me as silly and childish for wanting a hug or some sign of affection from him.
) She would immediately pick up on it if I seemed uncomfortable or I was too slow saying it back, and she'd repeat it until I gave in. Both narc parents were highly manipulative, but my mother was subtle and clever while my father threw tantrums like a small child, which is why I never saw it. She knew I hated her, and her response was simply to shame and bully until it went away. I had to cut them both off to survive. I mean that: survive. Multiple suicide attempts. Hideous self-injury scars. A prison record-- brief, but it's there, and it'll be there for the rest of my life. I am lucky to be alive right now... but I don't feel lucky.
I felt horribly guilty for thinking that way about another human being (let alone a family member) but I didn't want to turn into my mother. Obese, hideous, divorced (from an abusive narc husband who left her for a much younger woman), and with cats as her only friends. That was my worst nightmare, and I finally figured out it would come true unless I took matters into my own hands. 29 years old, no job, no degree. I've never been in an intimate relationship, and I don't know what having friends feels like. The hardest part of my journey so far has been coping with the shame and regret, the only things my horrible narcissistic parents left me with. Because of the upbringing I had, my 30th birthday will feel like a tragedy rather than a celebration-- I "should" already be married, have children, and be well entrenched in a career, the latter of which I've only just started to work on this year. One joke about my age on that day, and I swear I'll burst into tears. I never got to be young. Don't take it away from me now.
A narcissist will never love you. They can't. Not even when they're your parent(s). These are people who carry their ideas about how everything they do must have something "in it for them" into parenthood, and that's why their children grow up broken. I don't want to be alone when I'm my mother's age, but the terror I feel at the idea of raising children who feel about me the way I feel about my mother now cannot be put into words.
@@2012jordie what you’ve been through sounds just horrific. I’d never want to reduce it in any way, but maybe you can find the bold hope to refuse to let it define your future. I’ll share what my good therapist told me when I broke contact a few years ago. You have potential to start a new life now. Start over, and start on your terms. Not a new chapter, but a new book. Start a new life. You don’t want to hear that you’re young, but you are. There are no “shoulds” tied to your age. Let go of what you think society is pressuring you about. You spent that first book of your life tied up and you deserve to be free now. You are not responsible for them, and you shouldn’t let them occupy space in your mind. So much of life is a reflection of what you give. So start small, and give little bits of joy to others. Tell someone you like their shoes, their nails, their mask. Don’t future-trip and don’t wallow in book one. Just focus on the now, find the helpers, and spread a little bit of what you’d like to receive. Spread some love.
@@The_Green_Queen Thank you.
@@2012jordie you sound really wise and interesting to me. I like what you said about scientific minds, and about happiness. I’m sure that like so many things in life, when you stop seeking, what you sought will find you. I have a feeling your next book will be very rewarding. Best of luck to you.
Great video. Especially this time of year. Thank you!
Thanks...this is one of my favorites. Happy holidays! Dr. C
Thank you. I understand narcissism better now.
Very pleased! Dr. C
They want to be waited on, praised , given services, and forgiven.
I'm such a mom...cooking, cleaning, listening until they say something
really insulting in a backhanded way.... silent treatment....And here I am.
My wife is a covert and a stay home mom of 8. I've been mentally, verbally, and financially crucified. Trying to save my marriage and not have a stroke while doing it. My spirit says save it. My gut says cut my losses and go live a better life.
@@komododragon4242 I really hope that you'll be able to listen and act on what your gut is telling you! I realise that it won't be easy though, especially in regard to the children, unless they're adults now. ❤
Absolutely true! I used to tell him this is not love. He didn’t know how to answer.
When I talked to my ex therapists about this, how I have (half of them diagnosed) narcissistic family members and they lacked love, one said your definition of love might not be theirs, the other said I was "too occupied by this 'love thing'"... I wish all therapists were recognizing this problem.
Hi Ceren! I just wanted to affirm your thought -- *you* _are of the correct mindset,_ and it's frightening to think such therapists as you mentioned, would seem to lack empathy themselves (isn't it terrible to think of them treating other patients at all, when their own lack of empathy in fact contributes to the problem??). I once had a psychiatrist that, in time, showed an extreme personality change; later, while at a family-owned type pharmacy, I quietly mentioned my fear that this psychiatrist -- whatever the clinical diagnosis may have been -- showed alarming signs of being mentally unsound himself. One of the pharmacists overheard and said, "Who?" I repeated the name, and every pharmacist *and* assistant stopped at the same time and all at once said, "Oh that's not your imagination," "Him again?" and "What's he done now?" and the owner/head pharmacist said, "Dear, I would suggest putting that one in your rear-view mirror as soon as possible."
I requested reassignment right away; but it troubles me that in a relatively large city, there's a doctor mistreating patients [by not diagnosing patients properly -- he never harmed me, per se, he just flipped out one day and showed a very different personality, which shocked me]; I'm now certain that both his fellow staff and administrators are acutely aware that this man's comments are capable of ruining patients on paper, yet they continue to let him work because this chain of clinics is perpetually understaffed.
Lastly, I did not realize that I was the daughter of a narcissistic parent and sister to a narc sibling, until my parents had passed. Honestly, I knew nothing of the concept at all until I learned of it on this website. Ironically, the only reason I was directed toward therapy was due to being a chronic pain patient due to two disabilities and recurrent cancer, but it sure has been illuminating. I'm so thankful to have found this channel, Dr. Carter is so affirming -- and I empathize with your comment, since I've seen such doctors/therapists/nurse practitioners as well. You are right to question their viewpoint, and call them on it. I was lucky; after years in the "merry-go-round" clinic that could hardly keep any staff longer than short months, my disability lawyer sent me to a new place with an awesome doctor I've now been comfortable with for years, and I hope very much that you've found, or will find the same. As this great video illustrates, *_your opinion and viewpoint_* is the far healthier mindset, and some mental health professionals can pass tests, but it doesn't mean they're fit to practice. Have a great day, I wish you all the best! (✿╹◡╹)
@@a7laktkota I'm so glad you wrote this extremely validating comment and I could write a lot on this subject! I'm very tired though and it will be triggering for me as well.
It seems important to mention that the highly narcissistic psychiatrists etc literally destroy lives, especially with their extremely harmful drugs, which often cause much more harm than good. 😭
Hurts but true. I miss the person I loved who was an act, including his love for me which was shallow and part of the act. In retrospect I feel more of an asset than love interest, a means not to feel lonely and his addiction (trauma bonding, energy vampire), and a tool to help him get what he wanted, plus arm candy while out (not that I am fancy but I fit his physical definition of it). I hope to never deal with another person like that again. It ruined my health, and inflicted so much trauma. Esp after I finally lefylt and the realization of just being used sinks in, I was attacked for standing up for myself everyone sides with him ('the community') and a new person shows up right away looking oddly very much like myself. 😳 I just didn't understand what was really going on for far too long. Denial. Converts esp Community Covert are much trickier they check all the boxes of a great guy, so silver tounged. Untill the meltdowns. I am grateful for these videos and all the truth now out there. It just takes time to sink in, yes sadly, it's real. Self love is what I focus on now, and am gaining more real relationships bc of it.
It took me 20trs years to finally see truth ! He just went through the motion s without any feelings!
It is like you were with the narcissist I was with. I just found out another lie... yes, another. I have lost who I am . One day into no contact. I hope I don't break it. So crushing.....
Thank you, Evonne. I was discarded by my community covert narcissist one year ago. Your description and realization are so true. Love, self love, I wish for all of us who have been traumatized in this way the greatest love of all. Thanks again
I saw this verse in my newsfeed today and as I read it, I realized that everything it says love is NOT is a trait of narcissism. Then I remembered this video on your definition of narcissism. I would say is it the antithesis of love.
Love
it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts, always hopes,
always perseveres.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
The love only exists towards themselves.The spiritual connection is something they are completely missing in the narcissist. The narcissist is basically an island.
Narcissists have no idea what love is. I have a family full of narcissists and I have always felt unloved. Narcissists think you have to earn love. I finally went no contact with my entire family to save my mental health.
Recently came to terms with the truth that I come from a similar family. I just want to say I am proud of you for taking a huge step to the path of self-love
Love is arbitrary to a narcissist. They have no reason to show their love (in their minds) because it should just be understood. Spouses love their spouses- there’s no reason to show it. It’s understood. Family members- same thing. It’s sad. Narcissists only love (admire) themselves.
So true and so sad for everyone around them.
Kelly, you're on target (again). Dr. C
I grew up in an narcissistic family system. Love was never shown to me.
@@realhealing7802 Me, either. Presents, lavished with presents at Christmas and on birthdays, lots of Easter eggs, too. In between, nothing. No hugs, never told I was loved, talked at (often harshly) rather than talked to or ignored.
Love makes us equal. Narcissist therfore need to be above love.
Excellent redefining of narcissism!
Hey Julie! I was hoping this one would resonate!! Best wishes to you! Dr. C
Narc. Mother went through the motions of what a good mother wife looks like . Never hugs and kisses , reassuring hugs . This video is very good
My Narc who I am forced to live with told me not to laugh or talk too loudly, and claimed I was shouting. My voice is not loud. But because she cannot feel love or give love, anything related to love: joy, humour, spontaneity that can be discerned in my voice triggers the demons within her. My voice reverberating with these qualities is like holy water on a vampire. I didn’t fully understand her reaction until this video.
This new definition is the deepest understanding of narcissism. I cried listening to the truth of what you said. It is so simple & so HUGE. It hurts my heart for the narcissist growing up without love & later unable to give it away. It hurts my heart for the abused empath who more than likely grew up in dysfunction that they didn't know what a joyful, love guided environment is; that we are so conditioned & accepting of a narcs loveless behavior. The difference in adult life is the empath has the choice to heal where the narcissist has no clue and will never likely know what love is or ever heal. From the beginning, the absence of love is an emotionally trapped life sentence that cannot be reprieved. Dr C, your definition is so profound.... Thank you for your wisdom...♥️👍
Transformation is aquirable but the narssicist MUST be all in free willing to confront the narssicism to cultivate the desire for (renewal of the mind) ( ) = all human beings ... Believe it or not "they" are in that category also 🤔 😒/😊 & fall under the WHOSOEVER believeth only because God made them
can you not teach them love? or how to love? or what is love?
@@elaineco5746 a very distant whisper of a Maybe for the narssicist but the narssicism will NEVER ever even stumble upon the accidental acceptance of actual empathy let alone Love 🤷
Life sentence is exactly what I would describe it as.
@@elaineco5746 No.
As a scapegoated child, my big desire was to be part of a loving family. I lived my life trying to find out what true love is and working to have a loving family with my husband. We gave our lives to Jesus/Yeshua in our 20's, both from anti-Christian families and found more love in the church than out of it. God taught us about love and helped us endure my mother's destructive narcissistic influence and is helping us recover from the damage ... and your channel is part of that, Dr C. I'm so grateful for your answers and guidance.
God loves everyone unconditionally and promises those who trust Him, strength, peace, rest, provision, comfort, His companionship, protection, vindication, eternal life with sorrow behind us. It's love beyond our wildest dreams.
As long as your church does not carry narcissist traits and suppresses your freedom...... God wouldnt want that.
Same here!! He really gives me the insights that I need at the right moment.
@@trueself8589 yep, the church is full op people of all kinds. My late dad used to be a pastor, some of his own churchmembers were jerks that made him leave. It's been terrible for us and that community. So at age 12 I already realized that church = people, it can be a good place, but always keep your focus on God.
Everyone needs to see a list of safe vs unsafe behaviours so we can recognise it because people in all walks of life do toxic things. But generally, I have found way more love in the church than out of it.
I think Dr. Carter has distilled this issue down to a powerful truth. Thank you Dr. C..
You're welcome. Dr. C
THis is soooo true. It's like the narcissist lives in a world of black and white, while the normal people live in a world of color.
Amen. The absence of love is narcissism so steer clear away from the narcissist as much as you can. Otherwise, your recovery time to get out of their vortex of self serving behavior can devour you.
Wow... "playing games with truth" so Bullseye. This was very powerful. Just beautiful the whole thing.
I so agree with you. Just beautiful the whole thing. What a wonderful way to start the day.
How beautiful this is! Thank you Dr. Carter. Isn’t this what we’re looking for & lacking with a narcissist? Isn’t this what we want to bring together with others? A life without love is no life at all, but with love all joy and gratefulness brings together true life. I wish you all Love,life.
♥️
Absolutely beautiful 🥰
@@PiscesinVa thank you, have a Blessed day.
@@CamperEra 😊
Only God, who is love, can heal the one who is unable to love. No one who professes to love God can simultaneously not love others. It is incongruent to do one without doing the other. Two greatest commandments. Love God. Love others, as you live yourself These people need healing. They need God who is love.
Love this information sir, narcissisticm is the absence of love, you're speaking truth...👏🏽🙂👏🏽🙂👏🏽
A thousand thanks, dear Dr C! This was really a video from a loving benevolent heart like yours! You are a beacon of wisdom and love in this insane world. Your superb book 'When Pleasing You is Killing Me ' is helping me so much! Gratitude forever! 💖🙏🏻
Thanks so much! Dr. C
Hi Dr. Carter - Do you think you could add a link in your description section to purchase your book? I was given a gift & can now finally purchase your book: 'Why Pleasing You is Killing Me.' I have wanted this book for 2 years & I'm really looking forward to this.
I adore you Dr. C!! Thank you for all you do!!!
Wow! Thanks for the kind sentiments, Heater. Dr. C
22 years without love. What an eye opener. Thank you!
this video is why I say> no mater what type relationship a Narcissist has, rather thick or highly simple, those relationships are based on lies!
Yup! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you Doctor!
You melted my heart. Dr. C. I notice joy arises when I allow myself to feel and share love. ♥️
Thanks, Nancy! Dr. C
God is love, the absence of love means the absence of God. I was praying about the Narky in my life telling Jesus what would I do this man is so mean and I heard his voice say show love I answered in my thoughts I said how can I love this man he is so evil and mean and he answered …for me. Every time I cook for the Narky I would pray and tell Jesus that the food is not for the Narky but the food is for him and it works I don’t feel used. My circumstance doesn’t allow me to leave yet so I grey rock most of the time
Our original nature is love. And if that is not communicated to us growing up, then we forget our truest nature.
So true. Dr. C
Its all about love!
Yes it is, Adrian!!! Dr. C
if you continued to show love and teach love to narcs, will they change?
No, they will think you are stupid and gullible.
The narcissist i deal with (separated almost five years now) came home one day early in our relationship and said he had heard the funniest story on the radio. The DJ said his wife wanted to know why he never told her he loved her anymore. The DJ responded and said, “We have a car sitting right there in the driveway. You know we have a car. I know we have a car. Everyone in the neighborhood can see we have a car. I don’t have to go around telling people we have a car.” The wife shook her head and picked up her keys to leave for work. On her way out the door she said to the husband, “i love you.” To which he replied from behind the newspaper, “We have a car.”
The narcissist i deal with laughed so hard and literally thought that was so funny. Then from time to time when i told him i loved him, you can guess how he responded. And if i told him i didn’t like it, well of course the “just joking” joker card was pulled out of his pocket and i was expected to continue playing the game.
I was so stupid.
Not stupid at all. Your a loving caring individual and I’m sure a blessing to be around. Knowing who you are enjoy your life.
@@susanmunoz7688 i appreciate that. Thx!
That is such a sad story. How stunted they are. The world cannot have too much love. I hope that you're in a much better place.
@@anonymousanomaly9538 thank you. Getting there
@Owl & Wolf Tarot ty i appreciate that!
"A life well lived, is a life that is immersed, in love"
I never heard my mother say the word "love" until it became fashionable to pair it with "tough."
Good lord…I’m so sorry.
@@privatelyprivate3285 Thank you.
Thank you for this video Dr. C.
Surviving Narcissism videos have gotten me through more than anybody will ever know ☮💗
We, as a collective, have got to understand that we do not NEED anyone other than God and ourselves, to feel valid! That is the way God wants it to be!
Truth
Q Tipp, true comment. Jesus said He is enough.
I went through an horrendous experience with my mom and siblings before and after her death. It was eye opening, but devastating. It changed my life forever because I realized money meant more to them than me. It's been a struggle distancing myself from them, but I got tired of having my feelings trashed. I miss them, but I have more peace of mind. Sometimes the love you give, doesn't come back to you. Thanks for your wisdom, Dr. C., it helps me to navigate the muddy waters. :)
Blessings, same here!! 💖
I can relate to your story with your siblings and it's very upsetting. After my mother died, I saw such hideous sides of all 3 of my sisters- all many years older than me and all VERY controlling women, one of them a card-carrying Covert Narcissist. Our feuds were not about money but they turned into monsters before my eyes. The unkind things they have said and done since then, I would have thought to be impossible before our mother's death. It's like any empathy they once had has been sucked completely out of them- or maybe it was always false to begin with. I'll just leave you with this one example that happened almost 3 years ago and it's hurt me every day since: right after my mom died I adopted a puppy that I had dreamed of having my whole life. That dog got me through SUCH hard times. She was my constant sidekick and my best friend. About 12 years later, I lost my dog; she actually passed away the day after my birthday and I was absolutely devastated- I still am. I was pretty much catatonic for 2 months and wouldn't speak about it to anyone. Finally, one day I decided to open up about it to my sister (the Covert Narc) and I told her how much pain and depression I was experiencing and how I couldn't believe this had happened when it did. Would you like to know her reaction?
"Not *everything* is about YOU, Nicole!"
I have not looked at her the same since and I never will. I will eventually cut off all contact with her as soon as I possibly can. She's earned it.
I wish you all the best and I'm so glad you've found peace of mind. I really hope some day I can say that I have, too.
And I would be absolutely enthralled to see Dr. Carter make a video touching on Narcissists and grief. I STRONGLY believe there is something major there and I'd be extremely interested to hear it from a professional.
I might have written this myself. I had to grieve my mom and grieve my sibling relationships at the same time.
@@TheNikki284 I still flash back to what happened and I still can't believe the extent of the damage they did, especially to my Mom. They even went as far as to change the will and removed me as executor. My sister put my Mom in a nursing home and let strangers live in my Mom's house. It was a nightmare and something I never saw coming. I even went to court and because of the way my sister handled everything, they refused to allow me to take my Mom home. It destroyed me and the way I looked at my family. I went in to a major tailspin after she died because I was so exhausted from all the emotional cruelty. All I wanted was for my Mom to be with her dogs, in her home where she belonged. I can understand your grief over losing your dog, and the depression. My Mom had given me a Yorkie after losing a dog I loved and she was my connection to my Mom and my comfort after the death of my Mom. When Lilly died 2 years later, I was crushed because I loved her and my Mom so much. It tears me up just to write about it. Some people never get it because they can't connect to loving someone, or a pet so deeply. It's heartbreaking to realize that those that are suppose to be you allies would turn on you so quickly over what never belonged to them in the first place. In my situation anyways. I've never spoken to the one sister since. I've forgiven her, but I could never trust her again. My other sister and I have a strained relationship which never seems to work it's way out. It's one day at a time for me, and the peace I have sometime wavers. After everything I've learned, I now trust my instincts and no longer chose to put myself in the line of fire. It's not easy, but you have to see them for who they are, and be grateful you aren't them. I'm sorry about your dog, the grief of losing a beloved pet is difficult because they love with such abandon. I miss my little Lilly everyday. She was my sunshine in a dark world. Thank you for responding to me. It's helpful to know others understand. God bless you, Nikki.
@mountain blue Well beyond a lawsuit. The courts are as corrupt as the day is long. It was never about the money to me. I live knowing I did what I could for my Mom when she was with me.
As you helped me so much in changing my heart cry "why do they hate me?" Into "why do they hate?" Wowwzzz, 'absence of love" another light turned on in my dark sorrow, my path is getting more alit each day. Thank you soooooo much 💜
Thank you Dr. C. I’m convinced, love IS the foundation of who we are. It’s a shame narcissists can’t recognize this in themselves and others. A little anecdote about love: I conducted what’s often referred to as Dr. Emoto’s Rice Experiment in December 2015 in which I divided freshly boiled rice into three sterile glass jars. I attached the label love and compassion to one jar, the second I labeled hate and disgust, and the third I left blank. After which, for about a month, I spoke with feeling the corresponding message to the two labeled jars and ignored the third. The goal was to duplicate Dr. Emoto’s claimed result of his semi-famous crystal/water/rice experiments. I was skeptical but tried to remain neutral. My teenage boys thought I was nuts.
The Results: Forty five days in I noticed a slight change in color to the Hate and Ignored rice; the Love rice remained white. Ninety days in, the changes were stark. Having initially planned to run the experiment a few months….until I had a definitive result, I decided to hang onto the jars out of curiosity. It’s now been nearly six years! Believe me or not….the love rice hasn’t changed much. It’s now a light shade of tan but otherwise remains flaky and individuated. The other two turned to a combination of brown liquid and mush years ago. My kids don’t think I’m crazy any longer. We recognize whatever’s at work is beyond our understanding, but it’s been a great lesson for us all. There’s real power in the words we use….and even those don’t….ignoring also sends a message. I’m not into magical thinking, but I do believe the way we treat others and the words we choose matter more than we actually know.
44 years of marriage and I've never felt love from him. My kids and family kept me going but I realized I didn't derserve that type of life and left.
100% true as always, Dr. Carter. When dealing with a questionable person, the first thing I ask myself is "Does their behavior come from a place of love or control?" Makes it so easy to see who I'm actually dealing with. And I LOVE the wisdom you share, please keep up the excellent work, you are a godsend.
That's an excellent discernment tool.
@@michellefarris3961 Thanks, it's worked well for me.
Thanks. This helps
Kira Barsmith Thanks so much for mentioning this and I can't handle being controlled at all! ❤
@@cyndigooch1162 My pleasure! And I feel the same way you do. Cheers!
Inspiring! This is uplifting, I choose to make this my focus. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
You are so welcome! Dr. C
There is no real love in narcs. I grew up the scapegoat to a very broken family. There was very little real love. I would rather be the broken hearted me than the heartless them. My heart knows love and I thank the Lord daily for His enormous love for me. God bless and healing to all, victims and victimizers. If they heal they stop hurting others so pray for their healing as strongly as your own.
It's sad but true.
What an amazingly powerful video.
The narc is so jealous of anyone who can love someone or something. They will take way, break, destroy, or desecrate, anything that you do love or care about. This is a person who has no spirit or immortality. They will be no more once they die and they know it. They are here to take your soul. We need to stop giving out away.
Narcissism is a lack of love. I need to Love again.
A life well lived is one that is immersed in love.
Very wonderful thoughts regarding the definition of narcissism which is the absence of love. 🌹❤️
Thank you, Pamela. Dr. C
Very wonderful! I have attended many celebrations where my parent who has narcissistic traits was running an alternative narrative to divert attention to themselves! Hollow (s)hell!
Wonderful video and spot on. Their actions speak for their lack of love.
Rene Pelliccio,You look stunning,hope you are not with a narcissist....
@@jamesarmstrong4179 Do you mean that, if you didn't find her attractive, it would be OK with you if she was with a narcissist?
'They' can 'hire & fire'...'promote & demote'...on multiple levels and in a plethora of life situations...but...imho 'they' cannot ENGAGE!!! 'These people' cannot 'get close to a source of true love...why not??? 'We've' been HANDING it to 'em for centuries! Maybe it's 'WON''T' instead of 'CANNOT'...just a thought. Love...your clips many thanx Dr. C.
Gus's name showing up after Dr. C's was the best part of this video.
My wife rolls her eyes at Gus getting billing, but he's my co-worker! Dr. C
Thank you, for all your hard work and dedication, Dr. Carter!
God bless you!
Narcissists are really missing out on the single most beautiful thing in life. Love.
Dr. Les Carter, thank you so much for making these videos. I am a mental health therapist and a Christian, and just recently left a job due to a narcissistic boss. Your videos have really helped guide me out of that bad situation and been a true blessing. You have helped show me God has bigger and better opportunities for me beyond the difficult situation I was in. Thank you for modeling the love we need to embody.
You are quite welcome. If you'd be interested, I just finished a 3 part series at my church last week explaining my broad overview of narcissism and Christianity. You could go to the YT channel of St. Alban's Episcopal Church, Waco and the videos will be there. The lessons on Dec 4 and Dec 17 are most pertinent, especially the one on Dec 17.
That would be wonderful, thank you for referring me to another resource. I'll definitely check it out. Merry Christmas!@@SurvivingNarcissism
I asked my husband what he thought love means. He did not answer it, he just told me I didn’t love him and a bunch of changing the subject nonsense. It’s been a few months now and he still hasn’t answered the question. I already gave him the answer too.
Your conversion to adding the word Love in dealing with narcissistic personalities is positive progress.
I've long held this view, I just needed to get it out. Dr. C
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
If love is not unconditional, love is not present. "I love you IF" or "I love you WHEN" sorts of sentiments are just another way of saying, "I don't really love you as you are."
Thank you and so grateful for your help..what a Godsend you are.
If love is the driving force in your own life then to thine own self be true, let it shine, regardless of the lack in others. Thats surviving narcs.
This is good, Dr. C. I get it, I finally get it! The narcissist eliciting his/her narcissistic supply from me, is NOT LOVE. Oh! Thank God, I finally get it!
We can be a village when parents do not step up. I was lucky to have other adults present during my childhood who saw what was going on and masterfully intervened on my behalf without upsetting the parent’s rights and responsibilities
Every narcissist was abused in one form or another. It all starts with the parents.
It's inherited--it's genetic.
I agree, but that is also what is said about borderlines and a few other MH disorders.
@Foxie dog No not all were abused. Most were not abused. their brain is wired wrong way. It may be a choice to manipulate or exploit every person they encounter in their path. They just EVIL people .Parents don’t contribute to their kids being EVIL.
@@ilvarslackajs9509 this is definitely my experience. Not all of them were abused. My KJV bible says God knows us from BEFORE. Before we were born here in flesh. Aha. Food for thought. I've known those who were seemingly "born" evil. I watched them from infancy to adult. They WEREN'T abused either.
Nonsense, my sister was treated well and turned out to be a malignant narc. Genetics, karma and a souls maturity level can play a role. She was born evil,
I went out on date Saturday and we walked to the wrong parking lot simple mistake! She blamed me (which I didn’t know where she parked) for talking with a guy from high school! Then we went to dinner and after dinner she had one piece of gum and ate the whole piece then said” I should have asked did you want a piece “ I won’t call her anymore! My Narcissist radar went off!!
This is my favorite video thus far. Thank you so much for your clear explanation of the human condition.
Dr Carter, You have verbalized what I have observed in my life and in my family. Also, I have observed that people fail to grow in their lives when they hang onto control rather than relaxing into love and wonder.
Thank you for putting this concept into words.
You are right.
You are welcome. Dr. C
Reminds me of that old song "All You Need is Love". Hello Gus, I love Gus! Always great to have Gus in the picture. Thanks Dr. C.
❤ ya Dr.C and Laura, you two are the best at helping people!!
Dear Dr. Carter, thank you for this presentation. Perhaps, most of us have suffered from Narcissistic Abuse, early on in life, or later. A lot of us just learning about it, as the subject was not out in the open for , - how long...forever? Learning bits and pieces of it, we develop our own visions and understandings of this pathology in humans. Frank Yeoman framed NPD in a very short, succinct phrase: "Narcissism is disconnection from Reality". You just said in this lecture it is "lack of Love". But both definitions are of the same meaning. For Narcissism indeed is the Disease of Disconnect, the disease of lack of love; for, when we are Connected to Reality, to the big beautiful world around us - we are in love with the world and everything in it.
Thank you, and many blessings, 💐
Thanks for your comments, Lidia. Dr. C
Yes, I remember this person said " I can't love". I took it as if the idea of the comment was to warn me that no relationship other than sex, was to be expected out of dealing with that person.
Al least there was honesty on behalf of this character.
Totally accurate, a person full of fake attitudes, hiding altogether. Thank you Dr. Carter.
LOVE this!! 💯😎❤️
It would seem that the pre-narcissist has, very early in life, been regularly hurt (possibly even physically attacked from time to time), neglected as to universal, essential childhood needs (especially the need for compassionate and respectful attention and understanding - i.e., the child was frequently downgraded thru belittling and disparaging words and non-verbal communications) , often ignored, and also callously made to satisfy some adult care-giver’s selfish ego-needs without any hint of reciprocation, and denied “full human status” - meaning treated as a ‘lesser being’ rather than welcomed as an equal member of the human family. As a consequence of this ongoing childhood trauma, the pre-narcissist felt painfully unwanted or irrelevant and therefore inspired to cultivate the characteristics Dr. Carter describes above in the description to this video.
You get it. Dr. C
@mountain blue Not an excuse but an explanation was given. Some of us want to know why these people are the way they are. Understanding all aspects of narcissism helps us deal with them.
Or, spoiled as a child. Getting everything materialistic that they want from their parents WITHOUT their parents actually emotionally connecting with them. This causes entitlement, ego, and self-centeredness. The base elements for narcissism.
Nope, my sister wasn’t abused. She was born like that. My parents were attentive to her. In fact, she was treated better than me and turned out to be a malignant Narc. Sometimes there is a genetic, karmic or spiritual component rather than just childhood abuse or neglect
@@shebakali6 That’s what I said. Your sister was treated BETTER than you. She knew she was treated better. She was spoiled, shaped to believe she was better than others. That is the other way narcissists are created. The other extreme of neglect.
I need to show my love instead of complaining about the lack of love in my life. Thank you for reminding me it's hard to hug a porcupine.🤗
Wow, thank you Dr. C.! “Where’s the love?” is hitting the nail on the head here.
To live in the Absence of Love is to live in the Absence of God. For God is Love. The narcs I knew did not know God and protested against my faith and beliefs. I remember struggling/warring inside with their opposed spirits. As I matured and gained knowledge I have been set free from their bondage and Love is so much more Powerful/Meaningful than ever.
Oh wow, this hits home. The lack of love they obtain is dauntless to me. It's hard to accept it now but she ain't changing for me or my daughter. I get it though, it's time to heal now. I love so much and my sensitivity is what makes my job the best in town. Love is the way. Thank you.
This is my favorite of all of your videos, Dr. Les.
And…I do indeed LOVE you (and Gus, too).
✨♥️✨
Love has been experienced here…every time I watch a video on your channel. ♥️🙏🏽 😌
Thanks Lucy. Keep leaning forward! Dr. C
Very thought provoking. As the song goes “ All you need is love 🎶 “. Great video.
What a lovely video.
Also it is best to forgive the ones you love, while staying firm in the no contact forever position. Much easier with the ones who have already passed. Forgive them, and accept all the love you had for them, for your love was true. Forgive them for all their failures, and just love them while you leave them.
Someone said there is no point in holding grudges with people who are no longer in your life. Just let go.
Whatever a narcissists owes you, they can never repay, be it money or apologies or anything they stole from you, your childhood, your youth, your innocense. Just let it go.
This is extremely difficult with narcissists who were part loving, or at least seemed to love you back.
All you know is you loved them.
Forgive, and let go, move on, with nothing but love in your heart forward.
🌻
Very well put! Thank you.
Lack of Love. Narcissism is the Refusal to ❤️ . Learn?
I love that you choose to be bold about love, Dr. Carter.
This was a heart message. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism It's much appreciated. :)
How much I love this video. I’ve finally arrived at the place where I can do exactly what you have described here. It feels like a graduation to have my life be guided solely by my relationship with myself and God and not allowing anyone to pull me down to their level of unloving dysfunction. I listened to this while working on a short story about how I got to this peaceful place, which I could not have done without the narcissists on my path who enabled me to find/create this way I’m living now. It’s such a gift, as are you, sharing yourself with us the way you are. 🙏🏼🥰🙏🏼🥰🙏🏼 Many thanks!
Thanks for such encouraging words, Karen. Dr. C
I agree with Judith. Dr. Carter , your analyses are simply marvellous. It makes me sad to think that sometimes we have to live with a narcissist because we don't have alternative. Family , children , and so forth.
This channel has the best comments anywhere. Where have y'all been?
It is nice to know I am not alone. It is so hard when you realize you gave your heart to someone who never even had the capacity to understand the gift you gave. I try not to be hard on myself about that mistake, but it seems to lurk in the dark places.
#TeamHealthy
Yeah Doc!
That‘s all that needs to be said.
Great video, Great teaching….!
Dr. C. you embody love in the way you reach out to us. Not only are the videos brilliant therapy, but you also read our comments, understand our stories, and even reply! Thanking God for you, dearest Dr. C.
You're most welcome, T M. I like having our online community of support. Dr. C