The Stealth Toxicity Of A Covert Narcissist

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  • Опубліковано 23 гру 2024

КОМЕНТАРІ • 369

  • @johnnuaxon3
    @johnnuaxon3 Місяць тому +148

    Smile outside
    Hate inside

    • @shar240
      @shar240 Місяць тому +8

      Not only are they thinkin "I'm better," they show material items better. This competition thing kills me 😅😂

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Місяць тому +4

      Mommy

    • @jacobssw9314
      @jacobssw9314 Місяць тому +1

      @@shar240 material items means what in this context ?

    • @shar240
      @shar240 Місяць тому +2

      ​@jacobssw9314 example: they mock your vehicle , only theirs is newer and better. I don't want to compete with this wet blanket. Like Dr. C said "whose ever in front of them gets their treatment " , it's nothing personal

    • @cindyrobinson3882
      @cindyrobinson3882 Місяць тому +1

      ​@@shar240 You are so right. I had an SUV, one year newer than my ex bf SUV, but his was alot better than mine. His electronics, etc were alot better than in mine. Same brand SUV, etc, but I had a sunroof & he hated that he did not have a sunroof, even though his SUV had so many more advantages than mine. It was ridiculous!!

  • @fayefarrar
    @fayefarrar Місяць тому +180

    I've noticed that whenever they give you a present, they make you pay for it.
    Not financially, but they feel then entitled to torture you beyond believe.

    • @SurvivingNarcissism
      @SurvivingNarcissism  Місяць тому +64

      In other words, there's always a hook

    • @fayefarrar
      @fayefarrar Місяць тому +15

      @@SurvivingNarcissism yes
      Like the trajan horse

    • @strangemusic100
      @strangemusic100 Місяць тому +24

      I've had my gifts taken away, thrown out, hidden and given back and taken again... some have found their way back, some have not... it's been a strange ride...

    • @alexcanfor-dumas1463
      @alexcanfor-dumas1463 Місяць тому +17

      @fayefarrar - Yep - lots of gifts and favours (that you didn't want) gives them the right to abuse you, in their minds.

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Місяць тому +2

      @@strangemusic100sort of like Gollum

  • @carolentringer8836
    @carolentringer8836 Місяць тому +80

    1. do not accept their flaws
    2. automatic defensive responses
    3. Critical
    4. their good deeds have strings attached and want praise
    5. deny having anger issues
    6. give negative input, implying their superiority
    7. minimize your problems or concerns
    8. not good at keeping confidences
    9. Personal disclosures are complaints about other people
    10. They have to be “better than”.
    Image is everything. I’ll put my discomfort onto you.

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Місяць тому +9

      Actors. Period. Full stop plz

    • @clintonnagy1662
      @clintonnagy1662 Місяць тому +3

      These people have the mindset of children but stuck in adult bodies.
      Narc quote:
      " I am an ADULT " confirms my point.

  • @beaumont898
    @beaumont898 Місяць тому +89

    Beware of a covert narcissist. They are lethal especially if they are highly skilled at transferring the blame to the partner. My favorite gaslight phase from the narcissist I knew was " What did I do? " .

  • @mac-ju5ot
    @mac-ju5ot Місяць тому +68

    Its a no win situation. My brother in law told me once dont rent head space to those who lie cheat steal or play head games

    • @mintyfresh084
      @mintyfresh084 Місяць тому +15

      Never a truer thing to say. Your brother-in-law is very smart 😊

    • @mac-ju5ot
      @mac-ju5ot Місяць тому +10

      ​@@mintyfresh084 the old double bind....he was a manager .kept hundreds employed ..a very good man

    • @mikebott6940
      @mikebott6940 Місяць тому +3

      "The only way to win is not to play."

  • @EasyRussianLessons
    @EasyRussianLessons Місяць тому +108

    It really spoke to me today. I only started seeing the full scope of toxicity when I walked away. They are SO conniving. You can't outdo them. They are inhuman.

    • @SurvivingNarcissism
      @SurvivingNarcissism  Місяць тому +26

      Glad it resonated!

    • @nv_chino
      @nv_chino Місяць тому +3

      You know it

    • @jackilynpyzocha662
      @jackilynpyzocha662 Місяць тому

      I am not a landfill for my father's toxicity! I went no-contact, so he can't dump his dangerous crap on me!

  • @Safia-i1b
    @Safia-i1b Місяць тому +44

    They feel entitled to your energy

    • @ND-or5so
      @ND-or5so Місяць тому +1

      @Safia-i1b
      Yes, as if we are their life source. They expect it!

  • @melanieknowles7002
    @melanieknowles7002 Місяць тому +80

    Told the covert narc.... my cat knows more about deep sea diving than he knows how to be human for one minute. He left suddenly never to be seen or heard of again. Still have my cat. No regrets. One life. Live it.

    • @nancymorris3286
      @nancymorris3286 Місяць тому +7

      Well done! 😂

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Місяць тому +1

      Too close for comfort or mommy supply 😉

    • @Dove-gx5gz
      @Dove-gx5gz Місяць тому +6

      🤣😂 I can just see your cat sitting beside you, researching deep sea diving & shaking his head at your narcissist saying "Nope. Don't even think about messin' with my mama." 😺

    • @sophiafara5997
      @sophiafara5997 Місяць тому

      @@melanieknowles7002 lol

    • @susanbennetttellstales7998
      @susanbennetttellstales7998 Місяць тому +1

      Brilliant.

  • @KerriLynnBulger
    @KerriLynnBulger Місяць тому +18

    They will talk about you behind your back. Never tell them anything

    • @SurvivingNarcissism
      @SurvivingNarcissism  Місяць тому +6

      True, they are data gatherers.

    • @clintonnagy1662
      @clintonnagy1662 Місяць тому +1

      " I talked with my all friends and they agree with me. You handled that issue in the wrong way".

    • @sv-yh3mq
      @sv-yh3mq Місяць тому

      ​@@clintonnagy1662oh yes- because they want to convince you, that their view on a subject is the " right" one, Opposed to your own view- which bothers and is a threat to them. They'll say, ( no joke ) "My mom says this and that about this", as if That's supposed to convince me, that what the narc wants, that their "mom" Says... because the narc doesn't want the person they are opposing to have their own view, own perspective. Or doesn't want who they are opposing to go to such & such a place or an activity/outting -and the narc threatens the other/ it is really toxic. It is bad. And creepy. And nobody wants it.

  • @Hatbox948
    @Hatbox948 Місяць тому +45

    My nex had all those traits. I don't think we ever had one single conversation where he didn't contradict me. They're just such difficult people.

    • @shar240
      @shar240 Місяць тому +3

      They have become less difficult because I know the symptoms of their emptiness. The grandiose self is so ridiculous. They can't take the " show off " stuff with them at the end of life.

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Місяць тому +3

      Toddler 🤦‍♀️ hope he went home to mother 🤷‍♀️ why do you want another mother’s toddler?!

    • @cassiebennet4262
      @cassiebennet4262 Місяць тому

      It's maddening. They will cut off their nose to spite their face. They have to constantly disagree because it gives them a sense if superiority. If they don't feel superior they feel inferior/worthless. That's the black and white thinking.

  • @yukio_saito
    @yukio_saito 2 місяці тому +89

    I hadn't heard of what a covert narcissist is. After I learned about it, I realized I'd been through this stealth toxicity and been surrounded by them. I still attract them, but it became easier to identify early red flags. 🏃💨🚩🚩

    • @PantaRhei-wz5zn
      @PantaRhei-wz5zn 2 місяці тому +17

      I believe there are simply more of these people with narcy traits than generally estimated (ie more than 5 or 10 pct of the population)...
      Otherwise i am doing strange things to attract them.. as i seem to meet them in a much larger numbers than that

    • @PantaRhei-wz5zn
      @PantaRhei-wz5zn 2 місяці тому +14

      As you suggested: The only thing we can do is be more careful with new people, take our time & learn to disengage at red flags.

    • @shar240
      @shar240 Місяць тому +6

      And don't make the mistake of reacting to them. That's what they want, is to upset and bother others.

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Місяць тому +9

      You’re not at fault! It’s a narcissistic culture that has become our new normal 💔

    • @robinantonio8870
      @robinantonio8870 Місяць тому +4

      ​​@@PantaRhei-wz5znsame. I know far more narcs than normal people, and the " normal" people, if they are, are enablers of the narcs.

  • @DovZeev
    @DovZeev Місяць тому +66

    What I couldn't wrap my mind around with my narcissist was how they could accuse any good deed of mine as being a way of maneuvering them or trying to gain something instead of just being good and kind. Then came the punishments which they always claimed were not punishments, but so obviously were. And when they finally see that you will not take it anymore they go totally nuclear and will do anything they can to ruin you.

    • @hurricaneaquatics
      @hurricaneaquatics Місяць тому +14

      They're highly paranoid and think everyone is out to get them, even their spouses.

    • @leannmcgee8535
      @leannmcgee8535 Місяць тому +5

      Well said. So true.

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Місяць тому +2

      Think mother

    • @nightowl6260
      @nightowl6260 Місяць тому +8

      It may be classic projection of their own way of functioning. Also, they hate it when you are "good" or happy.

    • @patriciakelly8296
      @patriciakelly8296 Місяць тому +3

      They tell others 'what happened', but subtly change the narrative giving a completely wrong impression. Really evil.

  • @BaraSchmidt
    @BaraSchmidt Місяць тому +57

    The experience I had with a Covert Narcissistic personality style was definitely the most jarring of them all. After being well out of any Narcissistic relationship for nearly a decade, along came the one you never see coming. I was able to recognize their game early on and got away quick. The biggest thing I remember is how they were a cold, wet, weighted blanket on the mood in any room and how exhausted I would feel after even a short visit with them. Thank goodness for TH, Dr C and GUS who understand the journey. That's why I'll be Staying Healthy!!

    • @hurricaneaquatics
      @hurricaneaquatics Місяць тому +8

      Yes for sure, that's a killer. It's so strange because you can know they do it and it's coming, but even if you're prepared, it still exhausts you.

    • @shar240
      @shar240 Місяць тому +7

      That's funny you say that because their bully energy is a feeling of a wet blanket .

    • @shar240
      @shar240 Місяць тому +6

      ​@hurricaneaquatics I'm a chess player, so I know their moves before they make them. And sure enough, they do just what I thought they'd do . 😅😂

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Місяць тому +9

      Plz 🤦‍♀️ pay attention to your energy 🤷‍♀️ your body CANNOT lie to you! It wants to survive, folks

    • @BaraSchmidt
      @BaraSchmidt Місяць тому +3

      @@caroleminke6116 I share your perspective on this exactly. We need to listen and hear that inner voice

  • @elainie6784
    @elainie6784 Місяць тому +33

    I didn't connect the dots that tension, frustration, anxiety and impatience were covert signs of anger. I've been in denial because there was no yelling. At least now I know the truth.Thank you Dr C.

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Місяць тому +8

      Coverts are worse 💔❤️‍🩹♥️

  • @darinsmith2458
    @darinsmith2458 Місяць тому +35

    I would say that growing up in a dysfunctional family that my journey has been that I tolerated the abuse for too long..

    • @JackieFerrell-f6o
      @JackieFerrell-f6o Місяць тому +8

      This was my issue, too. Thank-you for saying this.

    • @bigm383
      @bigm383 Місяць тому +6

      Unfortunately they train or groom their children to, not only tolerate, but to completely normalise their bizarre behaviour.

    • @darinsmith2458
      @darinsmith2458 Місяць тому +5

      @@bigm383 Yup.. So then I get the awareness and then it is like.. What am I supposed to do with this?

    • @bigm383
      @bigm383 Місяць тому

      @@darinsmith2458 I didn’t work any of this out until I was 60. Now I’m stuck managing the affairs of my demented covert narcissist mother. I wish that I’d woken up much earlier and moved interstate to get away from her.

    • @Dove-gx5gz
      @Dove-gx5gz Місяць тому

      @darinsmith2458 Exactly. When you grow up in it, you are indoctrinated. So slowly you just learn to think this is how people function. It took me 50 years to extricate myself from the cult And I am not an ignorant person. The subtle mind control is unbelievable. I eventually saw something was wrong, but my research only identified overt narcissism & that didn't fit- so another 20 years until I learned about covert/malignant. Then all the pieces fell into place & I got out. Thank you Dr. C!!

  • @edwardhamm5535
    @edwardhamm5535 Місяць тому +29

    You are describing my brother, extreme passive agressive, who wants vengance on this world who has hurt him so much.

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Місяць тому +2

      My best guess is this devolves into psychopathy

  • @butterflycomb
    @butterflycomb Місяць тому +26

    Wow did i find out. The relationship started to gradually change after about 4 months. I noticed weird things, but coulnt put my finger on it. I found out by watching these videos i was being dehumanized. I was like what did i do wrong it must be me? I've been watching the videos for over 3 months now. Its not me its the narcissist.

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Місяць тому +2

      Get our ASAP! Go gray rock plz

    • @JHavaJoe2-m1z
      @JHavaJoe2-m1z Місяць тому +3

      They are insidious in flipping the script and "almost" making you believe them.
      I watched more than one go into panic mode and fire up the gaslight machine full throttle.What made it easier to clear 'em all out, was the knowledge, "They only get worse!"

  • @monicaelyn2393
    @monicaelyn2393 Місяць тому +32

    Can't articulate how much I love Dr. Les getting into his dialogue and all of the sudden 'Gus' appears in front of Gus...love it!! 😭❤

    • @SurvivingNarcissism
      @SurvivingNarcissism  Місяць тому +9

      You might notice that Gus gets his own font.

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Місяць тому +1

      @@SurvivingNarcissismGus rules!

    • @Dove-gx5gz
      @Dove-gx5gz Місяць тому

      I did notice that! Gus is Team Healthy's emotional support pup!

  • @lilithschwarzermond7342
    @lilithschwarzermond7342 Місяць тому +30

    Yes, "scoring points". He was so helpful to everybody... nobody would think that he is a Narc. I fell for it in the beginning, too. Thanks Dr C. and Gus.

  • @Dr.DorisTorres
    @Dr.DorisTorres Місяць тому +46

    Currently divorcing a covert narc of 28 years....the pity party never ends! 😩

  • @julianterris
    @julianterris Місяць тому +30

    *Covert* narcissists start assassinating your character *in the relationship* (preemptively) find your replacement, *then* discard you.

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Місяць тому

      Bad secondary mommy supply 🤦‍♀️ thank goodness they found another tit 🤷‍♀️

    • @michaelgpartridge2384
      @michaelgpartridge2384 Місяць тому

      Indeed, brother, they cover their little tracks before they make them, like revolting cowards, god bless em

    • @claireluckensmeyer7489
      @claireluckensmeyer7489 Місяць тому

      I wish he would...I can survive that, but at least then I'd be free!

  • @well_weathered
    @well_weathered 2 місяці тому +80

    If they didn't specialize in hoodwinking and making you and 'others' doubt your own judgement they wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

  • @fred.k9875
    @fred.k9875 2 місяці тому +178

    A Narcissist will never love you!

    • @duromusabc
      @duromusabc Місяць тому +14

      Narcissists are demonic that way

    • @tomasto3919
      @tomasto3919 Місяць тому +4

      Wunderbarr

    • @Dr.DorisTorres
      @Dr.DorisTorres Місяць тому +4

      yes 👍🏼

    • @wanderer0617
      @wanderer0617 Місяць тому +20

      And they insist you owe them constant loving attention while abusive when you don't.

    • @gsnail8189
      @gsnail8189 Місяць тому

      @@wanderer0617yea me too

  • @Peaches-i2i
    @Peaches-i2i 26 днів тому +6

    My mom is a covert narc while my father is overt. I used to feel so bad for her before but after a lot of recollection and observation I realized she was a narc too. It happened when we got on the topic of her letting my father beat me. And I told her I would just like to hear a sincere apology. She couldn't even say the words. And I noticed she could NEVER say I'm sorry for anything big or small. She always had to play victim and now it makes sense why she stuck around with him for so long. She also spent my entire life degrading my confidence, instilling doubt, pretty much just undermining any sense of masculinity or independence I developed then criticized my difficulty in getting anywhere in life.

    • @AnirtakShenwoi
      @AnirtakShenwoi 18 днів тому

      I'm a girl, but this is my exact story. The only thing is, my covert narc mother would write me apologies that were little more than manipulation papers so that she could keep getting narcissistic supply from me. I'm sorry you had to grow up that way. It's crazy how much WORSE the covert parent is in the long run. My dad is a horrible person who I have been NC with for a decade, but looking closer, he's not as bad as she is considering he is more honest in his presentation.

  • @aaronkwolfe
    @aaronkwolfe 2 місяці тому +35

    Too much of a good thing isn’t good. Love is good, but when used as a bomb to bewilder and manipulate, it is toxic. I’ve had my motives questioned by people who know and love me. I appreciate them for that. Keep me honest. But to twist it into assigning a motive to me (assuming the worst possible one), that, too, is toxic. Listening to me to foster understanding is good. Listening to me to arm yourself with ways to tear me down, that is toxic.

    • @stevegibbs7811
      @stevegibbs7811 Місяць тому +4

      Great analysis. Thanks

    • @kristirose2289
      @kristirose2289 Місяць тому +2

      Been there!

    • @gsnail8189
      @gsnail8189 Місяць тому

      Well, i was in the past allways quite loving. Very loving.
      I loved my gf deeply and truely.
      Gave her so much love and attention actually get nothing back…. 😂 i mean. Not much.
      She was jealous.. unfair…
      I had to break up with her.
      I had some angry responses to unfair treatments and unreasonable hypocrisy.
      I set very clear boundaries, she didnt really respect some at some point, so after 2,5
      Or 3,5 years i showed her the door.
      There was no way of coming back so she was sad for a while… few months and came around now and than.
      After few months already found another one (typical women looking for replacements),
      But never got happy
      With him and still visiting me.
      The guy even beated her i believe (but forgot im
      Not sure)
      I have only smash-pushed her one time in the car as she was really disrespectful at that moment with my friends around as well.
      I went really angry but only ahort ofcourse.
      It wasnt very long after that that i broke up with her.

    • @gsnail8189
      @gsnail8189 Місяць тому

      What i meant
      To say, i hope people
      Reading this stuff are very well aware of making the right conclusions and not be too fast.
      Anyone labeling me that way anyone that know
      Me would likely have a good laugh haha

    • @Kadesbattleground
      @Kadesbattleground Місяць тому +1

      Excellent comment thanks for the wisdom.

  • @rwdchannel2901
    @rwdchannel2901 Місяць тому +10

    Covert narcissists stay stealth through being shallow in a relationship. As long as covert narcissists are getting attention and admiration, they're feeling okay. When people start to mention their own accomplishments to covert narcissists, they'll get a passive aggressive response such as 'Oh, I don't care about that(translation: lets not get to know each other).' When covert narcissists find out other people's accomplishments, it drives them crazy because they're not getting narcissistic supply.

  • @barbarataylor5042
    @barbarataylor5042 Місяць тому +13

    Thanks for your videos I'm recovering from a narcissistic father. I found these during lockdown and have continued to view them. They ri g so true. I'm 77 now and found leaving home and gaining independence a slow & painful process. I didn't know myself. Another source of help was a poem we were given at teacher training college " If a child experiences criticism He learns to condemn... other negative aspects are similarly listed but the poem goes on to give positive attributes and their positive outcomes. Such a brilliant poem. Later I married and we went on to adopt 2 baby boys. We have been so fortunate that we have had positive outcomes in our lives. Thank you again for your work. It's so important that people have their lives & personalities restored to themselves.

  • @tylerlane1702
    @tylerlane1702 Місяць тому +9

    My relationship with a covert narcissist began to fall apart when I finally started insisting that she claim responsibility when she was wrong. I had experienced way too many arguments where I would bend to her point of view or cave from exhaustion. When I would demand an apology or that she recognize her bad behavior the deflection began. I know now that when she saw that I wouldn't accept her behavior she began searching for a different victim. Things fell apart and she got married 2 months later.

  • @snowbear1877
    @snowbear1877 Місяць тому +11

    Nearly all my friendships and family relationships have been toxic. Same in the workplace.
    Something about me attracts this.

    • @staysane7049
      @staysane7049 Місяць тому

      @@snowbear1877
      My life also, empaths are magnets to a Narcissist. Trusting my gut feeling 100pc when around these false selves, 🏃‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️ far away!

    • @nataliegomez7743
      @nataliegomez7743 11 днів тому

      Same for me

  • @danemartin5674
    @danemartin5674 Місяць тому +18

    A toast to Dr. Carter...... what a help.. thank you!

  • @yomisma9114
    @yomisma9114 Місяць тому +3

    My mother in law. Can’t stand her. But all her children drink from her hand, poor victim. I hope they can see what she really is and help her reform herself before she goes.

  • @notesbynaq
    @notesbynaq Місяць тому +10

    So spot on as usual. My narcissistic ex is by far, the most toxic individual I have ever known. I just wish I had recognized it sooner.

    • @MusicsInMySoul_7
      @MusicsInMySoul_7 Місяць тому +1

      ...remember, you did get out and now know the signs..Best wishes to you

  • @kellyswanson6934
    @kellyswanson6934 Місяць тому +3

    Covert narc is mom. I moved to a new state at age 61. Dad died 3 months later. I begged to go back and help bury him. She pretended no service; then secretly buried him and sent me a video. No remorse. She has betrayed me over and over but this was cruel!

  • @maryp4579
    @maryp4579 Місяць тому +6

    Sadly I wish I had learned about this sooner. I think my husband is one. He seems like a 'swell guy' to others, but at home chaos and drama occur for whatever reason I can't see coming - definitely there are anger issues. And I think the most distinctive quality that clenched it for me is his ability to garner sympathy. He can have an absolute pity party fest, and people will just feed him attention. And typically it is during some of these pity parties I believe he's framed me as the cause of his woes. And as you noted about being critical, he's very judgmental and everyone else is an idiot. That bit about being 'better than' - yes. I recall my husband fluidly saying, "I know you're not as successful as I am, but..." I heard nothing more. It actually makes me chuckle a bit, because there is no way I lay in bed nights wondering "Is he more successful?". I just know I would never consider saying this to anyone. Really what defines success? An ex-lawyer now blissfully a music teacher taught our daughter guitar. Anyway, thankfully if anything I'm no longer in a fog and confused about what is happening and if I'm to blame all the time. Now I just have to push forward somehow out of this marriage.

  • @brucefriedman1
    @brucefriedman1 Місяць тому +8

    Going stealth with aberrant behavior requires the ability to cleverly reverse engineer logic and reasoning in order to establish a presumption upon which a predetermined conclusion has been established. Example, "If you don't listen to me then you will be on your own." Inference: "You are destined to failure unless you listen to me."

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Місяць тому +1

      Gray rock teaches us self control 😉 respond don’t react

  • @amandaliverpool3374
    @amandaliverpool3374 2 місяці тому +24

    This puts me I mind of smiling assassins. One example being that they can future fake a person into an event or get together that appears to be imminent when they actually have no intentions of even meeting up!

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Місяць тому +1

      Stay strong my friend 💔❤️‍🩹♥️

    • @amandaliverpool3374
      @amandaliverpool3374 Місяць тому

      @caroleminke6116 Thank-you and you ❤️💪❤️

    • @sv-yh3mq
      @sv-yh3mq Місяць тому +1

      @amandaliverpool3374 - Wow, you said it well! I "named" the person I had a run - in with, just as you described, as an "enemy- combatant".
      "frenemy" did not apply, and in my opinion, a frenemy is Not a friend.

    • @sv-yh3mq
      @sv-yh3mq Місяць тому +1

      @amandaliverpool3374- "smiling assassin's" is a good description.

    • @amandaliverpool3374
      @amandaliverpool3374 Місяць тому

      @@sv-yh3mq I'm glad this helped 🙏💖

  • @MeCynthiaAnn
    @MeCynthiaAnn Місяць тому +6

    OOOOH DR. C.......... Just last month September was one year where I search toxic relationships and wow, wow, wow! My full entire life. Praise the Lord there's a Lord, and praise the Lord for your videos, because none of us at all makes sense. It started off with my covert, narcissist, pastor, father.
    I just wanna tell you thank you and I also want to reach out to others here to let you know that you were worth it and that you were valuable. Yes, once this is figure it out and it all then makes sense because now it has a name to it. It is shocking, shocking, shocking! This is not how we think so it's hard to comprehend. God bless each and everyone of you and please do know that Jesus cares, and he always will be there for you and he will guide you.
    Hugs from Cynthia Ann n JANESVILLE, WI

  • @patriciafry8634
    @patriciafry8634 Місяць тому +18

    I knew a sibling was spreading poison in our family, and also maneuvered financial events to his own benefit, and the detriment of others. But if I’d realized the depth and full nature of his depravity sooner, maybe I could have prevented or offset some of what he was doing (Dark Triad or Tetrad). Certainly a malignant N. I feel very badly about it.

    • @sorayamoghadam620
      @sorayamoghadam620 Місяць тому +3

      Dealing with this now 😢 good luck

    • @patriciafry8634
      @patriciafry8634 Місяць тому +5

      @@sorayamoghadam620 Not easy, since other family members can be slow to catch on- they don’t want to believe it. I have now gone very low contact.

    • @llhannah9297
      @llhannah9297 Місяць тому +4

      ​@@patriciafry8634 Im in the same situation. I actually did notice red flags but nobody listened. Theyre in way too deep now. I had to remove myself too.

    • @sorayamoghadam620
      @sorayamoghadam620 27 днів тому

      @@patriciafry8634 absolutely, and believe it or not, poison was also involved, along with financial abuse etc. I am working on removing myself (takes time since a family business is involved), and then i will low to NC with my whole immediate family, along with some extended family. Crazy stressful, yet at the same time, liberating to have my eyes wide open now :)

  • @evelynkummerle9947
    @evelynkummerle9947 Місяць тому +5

    How often did I hear this "I am the good guy" during 30 years. All spot on!! Thank you!

  • @exlesoes
    @exlesoes Місяць тому +15

    Their hater gene activates

  • @fayc1804
    @fayc1804 Місяць тому +5

    4:23 They respond to EVERYthing and with a one-up or correction attitude. You weren't even talking to them! You can say you went to the grocery store and they gotta one-up you with their grocery store stories.

  • @pugnasilvia943
    @pugnasilvia943 Місяць тому +5

    Oh... that "victim pose", while they are always the aggressors is so hard to swallow. Because otherwise you are the bad one with no empathy, right? And here we are engaged in playing their script of manipulation trying to be nice, knowing so well that our kindness is thrash for them.

    • @sv-yh3mq
      @sv-yh3mq Місяць тому

      Great comment

  • @rickwhite5206
    @rickwhite5206 Місяць тому +4

    Is it narcissism for sure if you give the narcissist the exact same behavior they have given you for years, and their reaction is explosive rage and retaliation, for the same things they've told you to stop over reacting, just let it be, why you making a big deal out of what i did to you? They dish it out, but can not take it at all. And the level of retaliation is out of proportion to what you did. You may have simply said no to one of their demands. You know you're in trouble when their head tilts, their jaw drops, their body leans because they have never seen you assert yourself so firmly and simply. Their head literally explodes. It's the out of proportion reaction from them, they are triggered and now have no limits at all to what they will do to you.

  • @djpvma
    @djpvma Місяць тому +9

    My take on them hiding who they are, is that they can't keep up the charades, and eventually they don't care about maintaining their facade, because they're so gassed up on trying to hurt you, that they forget to stay careful to not let on to their true colors.

    • @StarreLabell
      @StarreLabell Місяць тому +2

      @djpvma They go into a deep rage when you see through their facade and their manipulation, lies, and gaslighting stops working. The extent of evil they're capable of is mind blowing.

  • @Ratgirl2
    @Ratgirl2 Місяць тому +5

    I went back reluctantly and same old game. I'm a rock for now. It's a twisted nightmare I'm changed forever planning my escape.

  • @ILive4Jesus
    @ILive4Jesus Місяць тому +4

    Oh my gosh, yes, yes, yes! I can check every box! This is so freeing! Just because we’re related doesn’t mean we have to be connected. I’m finally free!

  • @susanbennetttellstales7998
    @susanbennetttellstales7998 Місяць тому +4

    And I'd add to "minimising concerns" - what's worse is they couch this as reassurance.

    • @zareththealchemist8982
      @zareththealchemist8982 Місяць тому

      Followed by the ultimate attempt to gaslight you after all of the previous and now realized, effotts to devalue your concerns and ultimately devalue anything and everything you have to say: “Trust me.” Or, “I guarantee that’s not what’s going to happen,” even though you’ve called them out every time their “guarantees” failed and you’ve realized that the LAST THING you can do is trust them - they’re pathological liars, and default to lying immediately, even when there is absolutely no reason for them to lie in the first place. Just got rid of one after many years - absolutely just couldn’t take the BS and malignant toxicity any longer. Now I realized that between her and her mother, they drug B me through the dregs, drained my life of soul energy and draped me over a barrel and hung me out to dry, when I called them out on their toxic narcissism and they realized I couldn’t be “trusted” by them (easily manipulated) any longer, I had to be drug up on a hook and left to decay and die. Once they realize you no longer trust THEM you must be devalued and if another dupe comes along, discarded with zero regard for all of your efforts and energy. My heart is broken, but thanks to finding Dr Carter (& Gus) my mind is still intact. His depth of knowledge regarding these parasitic and vampiric personality disordered types is profound and he explains it all so succinctly and with understanding to us, the actual victims of the covert narcissists. Reading comments under these videos for the last few years, I see people use the words “wicked, evil, manipulative, self serving, demonic, vampiric, parasitic,” etc. After decades of dealing with all of this, I couldn’t agree more with all of those opinions - they are absolute monsters.

  • @MiyahSundermeyer
    @MiyahSundermeyer 14 днів тому +1

    I cut a covert narcissist out of my life earlier this year because she ignored my needs and treated me like a piece of trash before ghosting me for as year and a half. When she reached out, I put my foot down and told her no. One of the things that she told me was "I guess I was too busy taking care of myself but at no point have I considered myself to be a self-centered person." She also said "I hear you saying that I am an bad person and you don't like me anymore."

  • @tonymartos2922
    @tonymartos2922 27 днів тому +1

    The first thing I ever saw that threw me off was the silent treatments. I didn’t know it at the time, but she was clearly grooming me to get used to her hot/cold dynamics that would be far more prevalent when our relationship evolved. Had I known then what I know now, I would have left then, far before such abuse left its mark on me. But of course I didn’t. It took a long time since that ended to really find myself again, and while it’s certainly a painful journey, it’s possible. Best to all who’ve gone through this too, happy thanksgiving!

  • @mattlehnardt783
    @mattlehnardt783 19 днів тому +1

    It keeps you wondering what the heck is off with this person? How come they don’t get it? Why can’t they wake up and get along? You think you’re going crazy so this video helps a ton.

  • @Yukajoseph
    @Yukajoseph Місяць тому +3

    Wonderful video, A month ago, I ended a five-year relationship. I'm irritated because I can't see my life with anyone else. The love of my life chose to leave me, and I loved him so much that I can't stop thinking about him. I've done everything I can to get him back. Though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him, I can't help it. I'm not sure why I'm writing this, but I miss him a lot and can't stop thinking about him.

    • @robinantonio8870
      @robinantonio8870 Місяць тому +1

      Remind yourself of all the bad

    • @tontay-wp6tm
      @tontay-wp6tm Місяць тому

      Put ur energy into something new, a project a hobby, this feeling is what he worked so hard to achieve…you’ll be amazed what door will open when u close the one he walked out of 😊

  • @fayc1804
    @fayc1804 Місяць тому +2

    They can't show anger about this video because it would be an admission that they know it's all true about them. 😂

  • @TruthandJustice-hz9nv
    @TruthandJustice-hz9nv Місяць тому +6

    This was pure gold DR Le's, Thank you so much for this, Speaks volumes,I see right through these two , Fist pump :-) It's complete bollocks, People that do good deeds humility, Then covertly humiliate and abuse others, All the hypocrisy, Beware of groups like this and leaders too , Eyes open :-) Peace, love and respect to you, Gus and everyone, All glory power, Praise and smiles to the most high :-)

  • @mikeseitz2792
    @mikeseitz2792 Місяць тому +11

    Thank You Dr. C....good video!!

  • @kathrynanderson6854
    @kathrynanderson6854 Місяць тому +3

    My husband does yell and still tells me he has no anger issues. Then says it must be me that has anger

  • @marijedubateau
    @marijedubateau 24 дні тому +1

    you are the clearest explainer of narcissism! I struggled with my parents for years, and you just make everything clear and understandable in a calm way wich helps to detach from it. Thank you!

  • @johnnuaxon3
    @johnnuaxon3 Місяць тому +39

    Covert narcissist = covert hate

  • @fairliescott3073
    @fairliescott3073 23 дні тому +1

    The covert narcissist (whose intentional actions led to my husband's death) once asked us if we wanted to know how he tortures the people who work under him when they don't get enough work done! Needless to say, we declined! That same day I took a short video of him showing me around his office set up including toys like a 3D printer and a flight simulator - he came across as a normal and very nice person - pure evil!

  • @familychromebook1852
    @familychromebook1852 Місяць тому +2

    Thank you as always, Dr. Carter. Hi Team Healthy! I hope everyone is doing well. 💗

  • @gjop-xm2xe
    @gjop-xm2xe Місяць тому +6

    My ex would rage and then say I’m not yelling😢

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Місяць тому

      Exactly

    • @lishmahlishmah
      @lishmahlishmah Місяць тому

      Same scenario here.
      Me: doing my tea, doing my own business,
      saying nothing... Listening to my angry mother complaining about everything.
      My fault, I break my silence and ask, "what's up? Are you ok?"
      My mother says, with very loud, angry and aggressive voice
      "I'm serene! My life is serene! You have problems! Not me! I don't have any problem!"
      [ more or less, this is the translation from Italian ]

  • @djpvma
    @djpvma Місяць тому +8

    Walking on eggshells in order to avoid conflict was one of the most aggravating things about the relationship for me. I was forever trying to appease the beast, and never doing what I needed and wanted to do for myself, it was all about her and making sure that things went her way, day after day, year after year. I feel I was held as a prisoner by her, and when she brought up marriage to her, I was like, "Get married? 😂 Ur kidding right?" Something along those lines, and that's when she started what I refer to as the "self destruct mode," where she was desperate to crucify me for my lack of allegiance to her and she would do anything to make sure my life was left empty and scarred. And by the self-destruct mode, I mean that even if it meant destroying herself in order to screw me over, she was gonna do it, and she did. She didn't care how it's gonna make her look in the long run, she didn't care the cost, she was dead-set on destroying me, my character, and how my own family saw me. But luckily the people that know me the most and best know that she was up to something, even though it took me revealing the truth to them, which was hurtful towards me that they believed that I would beat her or hurt her or harm any woman at all. You have no idea how ridiculously damaged I've been for a decade now after her projected trauma towards me and the kids. The kids aren't even mine, at least the first one isn't for sure, and I was made to believe that they are. She literally kept me inside the house without a car, and made me think that the whole thing was my idea. There's a lot more, but listening to you reminds me of what all happened, when I've basically blacked out everything that I could in order to protect myself from any more mental duress, because she was great at the proverbial "cattle prodding" following me around the house and down the street and never letting up for even one second just to make sure that I'm traumatized. She involved the cops and the court, and lied the whole time, and made me out to be the monster, and all just to hurt me, used the kids as pawns just to hurt me, everything was just to hurt me just because she couldn't have her way. And the only things that hurts about that is having to watch her do this to herself and to the kids. That's the most painful part about it. It's hard to not harbor resentment over everything she does. She even has people harass me for her, online stalks me, I can't make a public move without her wiping her backside with it. I wish I was joking.

    • @Silenceisgolden-o9o
      @Silenceisgolden-o9o Місяць тому

      😮

    • @sv-yh3mq
      @sv-yh3mq Місяць тому

      @djpvma- I read what you input, and I get what you describe, and can understand that what happened and what you went through was something that was a lot of heart-wrenching, mental, emotional, trauma-inducing intractably negative- experiences, that are such, that one can think, feel that noone could believe it. And that it was such, that it was her own undoing of herself, and she was trying to take you out, while she spiralled down her own failure- making. It is very damaging, and I can understand there are years since then, that the damage has laid raw wounds, scars- and painful memories.
      What I experienced with an npd- traited person, was 15 years ago, and the person has passed five years ago- and it was a former friend. It's difficult to process and get through, in my opinion- and that's a painful understatement.

  • @slanjbo
    @slanjbo Місяць тому +5

    The list of defensive responses with my ex became so predictable I would answer her as she spoke the same words.
    Drove her nuts.

  • @AnonNPDHelpIt
    @AnonNPDHelpIt Місяць тому +2

    Thanks to Gus, and Dr. Carter. I am counting myself lucky - my eldest daughter is the one who pointed out to me what my wife might have been doing - and after 8 months of research I think she is right. Likely a covert/vulnerable narcissist - I am really curious if for some people who are borderline if raising children / trauma / social media can push them over the borderline into being a full blow narcissist. Thank you for these videos and I will keep watching - I am working on not arguing with her (last night when I asked her to turn off the light so we could sleep - her response was it was my fault because I 'trained' her this way - LOL) and the 2 kids in the house (both with therapists) and I talk and coordinate. Keep up the good work (I keep writing and deleting so I will just end it here).

  • @trudismith9712
    @trudismith9712 Місяць тому +8

    Toxic is a much used word. I just about start to understand it. Always thought good about everybody. Yeah... Now I know 2, who stamp on vulnerable people. I can see now the effect it causes. Strangely enough, my narc protected me from them toxic ones. I know I am going now in the right direction. Thanks Dr C.

    • @SurvivingNarcissism
      @SurvivingNarcissism  Місяць тому +4

      Keep leaning forward, Trudi!

    • @Knowbody42
      @Knowbody42 Місяць тому +2

      Sometimes 'toxic' is a word used by narcissists to gaslight people who don't allow themselves to be controlled or manipulated.
      They try to force you to accept their control or manipulation, and if you reject it, they call you toxic, and try to turn other people against you.

  • @caroleminke6116
    @caroleminke6116 Місяць тому +7

    Bless you ✨ Dr. Decency

  • @fairliescott3073
    @fairliescott3073 23 дні тому +1

    Dr. Carter, I'm now retired but can think of several narcissists that I've worked for and with. Also, I live in an apartment complex where the management, some staff and upper management exhibit narc behaviors. 'Makes living here very challenging. I think it would be valuable if you made videos about identifying and dealing with narcs in such situations. I lean toward no contact but I have VERY noisy neighbors (was told by a staff person that they no longer deal with noise complaints and the tenants might lie and say I was abusive if I tried to speak with them - that's happened in the past). I have some repair work that needs doing. Every request for assistance becomes very difficult/complicated. After living here for 25 years, I could 'write a book' about all this!

  • @jesstallfeather
    @jesstallfeather Місяць тому +3

    Before I really learned about narcissistic traits in people, Number 6 was the standout red flag from the workplace narcs I am dealing with that really got me thinking, "Hmmm... something is going on here that's not all that benevolent from this individual" (this is the sanitized version of what I really was thinking lol). After a while, this line of rhetoric really got on my nerves!! What a bunch of snobs, was my thinking. Now, thanks to Dr. C's educating me, I know exactly what's going on with them and it affects me so much less....still highly annoying though lol!

  • @jdk5379
    @jdk5379 Місяць тому +1

    I wasn’t familiar with covert N’s and got involved with one. He let me go when I was no further use to him. I was stunned at being treated this way. Thank You Dr. C for helping me understand- never again. Cured me of any further relationships, I’m much happier being alone! 😊

  • @gwenrios6268
    @gwenrios6268 Місяць тому +2

    Okay Dr Carter, I've listened to your videos many, many times. But this one made me very uncomfortable. Probably because I'm guilty of some of the 10 characteristics of a covert narcissist. Yes, I think I'm guilty of #3, 6, 9, and sometimes 8, which makes me very sad and ashamed.
    I call it, being transparent. My mother was never good at being transparent with her thoughts or emotions, and I always felt pushed away. In fact, she would say, "go away"! I always felt like I was supposed to read her mind, or guess what she was thinking. So I developed this communication style that would leave no one guessing why I, "did what I did". I strive to develop good relations with people by clearly communicating what I'm thinking, and why I came to the conclusions I came to.
    However, I know that most people don't understand my position, especially, if they hear me say something that is unflattering about someone else. I'm also a believer in speaking truth, being honest, and with that, being transparent. However, there are also risk to that approach, because not everyone is capable of, or even knows what to do with complete honesty and transparency. Believe me, I have been burned many times as a result. And therefore, it has taught me to NOT be so honest with my thoughts and feelings. So with certain individuals, I DO have to conduct myself in a shallow level of conversation. Quite honestly, communicating on a deeper level, and feeling free enough with someone to communicate my deepest thoughts and feelings, is a real gift. But, sometimes those deeper thoughts and feelings aren't pleasant. So it's nice to know that you can unload it on close confidants. Because honestly, not everyone can afford a counselor's shoulder to cry on.

    • @SurvivingNarcissism
      @SurvivingNarcissism  Місяць тому +2

      The fact that you are wrestling with this matter is actually a good sign. Keep learning and stay honest with yourself!

  • @PantaRhei-wz5zn
    @PantaRhei-wz5zn 2 місяці тому +12

    The baffling variety would be a narc who can keep a good front for a longer strech of time: Like months, so you have already fallen into Trust with them. At that point, its much harder to process new evidence to the contrary.... Give me a silly or impulse narc over an intelligent, stealthy, patient machiavellian One

    • @amandaliverpool3374
      @amandaliverpool3374 Місяць тому +2

      Oh yes. They play the long game 😉

    • @notaclue822
      @notaclue822 Місяць тому +2

      That's for sure. You don't expect people to have such an extensive, elaborate front.

  • @richardbarger7723
    @richardbarger7723 Місяць тому +7

    P.s. your talks here are great therapy.

  • @HealingMyselfIsTheFocus
    @HealingMyselfIsTheFocus Місяць тому +2

    #2 I tend to do this, and honestly, I never saw it as being defensive. My family tell me quite often the things that I’ve done in the past that’s wrong or what I do in the present that’s wrong. I use to yell at times and it hurt the kids. Obviously. !!
    Sometimes I will meet that saying, “I am truly sorry I did not mean to say it that way, or I did not mean to come across that way. This is what I meant”, and then offer a conversation of being able to talk about it and hopefully move past.
    Is that being defensive? True question.

    • @timwalker7027
      @timwalker7027 Місяць тому +1

      @@HealingMyselfIsTheFocus you’re fine. If you were a narcissist you would have never clicked this video.

    • @HealingMyselfIsTheFocus
      @HealingMyselfIsTheFocus Місяць тому

      @@timwalker7027 Thank you, but I have been told I am, and I am just trying to figure "me" out! i know i can be, impatient and lose it at times. not okay. I just dont want to be... idk, me lol

  • @trudismith9712
    @trudismith9712 Місяць тому +4

    What a week that was with your interview and videos, my dear Dr Carter. My head hurts, and my brain is buzzing. I can't condense it into a comment. Only one Q&A that bothers me. Perfectionism. I went through life dreaming and making my own decisions,always admiring perfectionism. I knew there was something wrong there, but what?
    I am full of nuggets of wisdom. Perfectionism is destroying things at the end. I have crown up with art from Alberto Giacometti. In an interview, his wife said that they had to take his work away not to be destroyed by him.
    And then Jean Tingiely....
    Have a good weekend, and thank you for being there.

  • @ACE-zo6st
    @ACE-zo6st Місяць тому +1

    I knew about narcissism from growing up with a narcissistic sib and a complicated narcissistic parent. I didn't know about covert narcissism until a person who's a covert narcissist married into our family, and people had shared about themselves with her giving her a wealth of info to use against each of them. She's used her husband mercilessly. He's a good man and kind. Now she has a rare progressive illness that will progress over the next 4-5 years to death, requiring more and more physical assistance every day. She is lucky he's such a good man, and he will stay and do all the things she increasingly needs.

  • @PixieCropCircleDuster
    @PixieCropCircleDuster Місяць тому +6

    There's literally No Right Answer: what you do , say, eat, lifestyle choices can be so benign and if you marinate in their legion's toxicity long enough you WILL become one with the Borg , you will assimilate.

    • @PixieCropCircleDuster
      @PixieCropCircleDuster Місяць тому +1

      @@SandraII-in9sl Bless You! 😂🎯🤯💯🧡

    • @RM-qq5rj
      @RM-qq5rj Місяць тому +2

      Nope, I refused, i grew up 18yrs in a horrible malignant covert narcissistic household and I did not assimilate! Then I got a job with a covert grandiose narc boss. Nope, still won't join the Borg. Data does not assimilate ;) that's why they don't like me...Data is incapable of assimilating.

    • @RM-qq5rj
      @RM-qq5rj Місяць тому +2

      Nope, I resisted, i grew up 18yrs in a horrible malignant covert narcissistic household and I did not assimilate! Then I got a job with a covert grandiose narc boss. Nope, still won't join the Borg. Data does not assimilate ;) that's why they don't like me...Data is incapable of assimilating with them.

    • @PixieCropCircleDuster
      @PixieCropCircleDuster Місяць тому +1

      @@RM-qq5rj Good on you, I'm proud of you 🧡💯

  • @MarleyLeMar
    @MarleyLeMar Місяць тому +5

    It's alarming how easily you can get ensnared by a covert narcissist. Even professionals do, and they admit it. So, what to do once you're too deeply into it?

    • @Dove-gx5gz
      @Dove-gx5gz Місяць тому +2

      RUN

    • @MarleyLeMar
      @MarleyLeMar Місяць тому

      @@Dove-gx5gz I agree, a friendship that slowly revealed itself, and I got some great how-to tips and accompaniment that made it a quick and clean ending. I’m curious what anybody else has learned from experience. I’m on a learning curve about friendships. Thanks!

    • @Dove-gx5gz
      @Dove-gx5gz Місяць тому

      My experience has been not to gaslight myself out of identifying red flags. They are there for a reason- to keep you safe. Unfortunately I attract these people because of some of my own qualities. And because narcissism is seemingly everywhere now in all its forms. Someone else here said "the benefit of the doubt" is not your friend in these situations. Though that is my natural instinct, it's also what keeps me too long. I invariably realize afterwards that if I had just trusted myself I would have avoided a whole lot of pain. Rose colored glasses make red flags appear like a bouquet of flowers.

  • @PurpleStarseed444
    @PurpleStarseed444 Місяць тому +4

    It's amazing how many work in the psychology profession.

  • @ilovecanines
    @ilovecanines Місяць тому +1

    And how in the world do you work with someone like this? I understand this intellectually, but figuring out how to work with someone like this is an enigma! And the boss doesn't even see it! These people are master manipulators, way smarter than me!!

  • @SewDiva5691
    @SewDiva5691 2 місяці тому +8

    Hi Dr C 🙋‍♀️…In case you have not had psychologist/author Dr. Julie Smith on your list of future guests, I would love to see her on your YT channel. Thank you in advance Dr C.
    I’m looking forward to your insights on this video topic. Thank you so much for all you do!

    • @SurvivingNarcissism
      @SurvivingNarcissism  2 місяці тому +5

      We invited her on a while back but she declined.

    • @lindabell2940
      @lindabell2940 2 місяці тому +1

      Ok than, old professor Sam vuknin, hec never mind, my community rules, go team Healthy, bring your brother back Doctor Carter

    • @amandaliverpool3374
      @amandaliverpool3374 Місяць тому

      Good suggestion. Have a great weekend ❤

    • @hurricaneaquatics
      @hurricaneaquatics Місяць тому +3

      ​@@lindabell2940Nah, he won't be a guest unless someone strokes his ego. He's not nearly as smart as he thinks he is.

    • @SewDiva5691
      @SewDiva5691 Місяць тому

      @@amandaliverpool3374 you too Amanda sis💜

  • @gazoo7411
    @gazoo7411 Місяць тому +4

    Yes, they are all that and a lot more. I know several of these people, and I am very careful around them...............

  • @lynnschaeferle-zh4go
    @lynnschaeferle-zh4go Місяць тому +2

    Faults? What I did was because you… It wasn’t them, they’re perfect. Thanks for talking about this; you’re spot on. Good dead’s make them look great. That’s a good way to motivate them to do the right thing.

  • @bereal6590
    @bereal6590 Місяць тому +3

    My mother is cold. At times almost reptilian. Dismissive and show near no emotions except anger disdain and contempt. The worst part is she expects me to be a damn mind reader of how she feels! Then one foot out of line and her nasty side comes out. Sick to death of how she reacts ALL THE TIME. It's taken decades to work out she has never, is never and will never be there for me emotionally and chasing after it is a waste of time.

    • @sv-yh3mq
      @sv-yh3mq Місяць тому

      @bereal6590- I ve had experiences with one who expected one to "read" their mind- and it's always a trap- because ( even if you're "good" at it) noone can "read" their mind- and they know it- and are poised to put harm, blame, shame, and F.O.G. on you- "fear, obligation, guilt" .
      Sometimes I have felt like I wanted to slap the crap out of this type, but didn't- Crazy- making is dangerous!

    • @bereal6590
      @bereal6590 Місяць тому

      @sv-yh3mq Never thought of it as being a trap, maybe you're right. Seems that by withholding direct communication and waiting for you to mess up, in their eyes, it is then so easy for them to lay blame at the other person's door and claim they're virtuous. It like they're always trying to catch you out in some kind of 'badness'.

  • @SerenaWilling-c9f
    @SerenaWilling-c9f Місяць тому +2

    They never apologise at all for insults they give u , I get told I can’t take a joke I’m to sensitive x

  • @jackilynpyzocha662
    @jackilynpyzocha662 Місяць тому +1

    I made the mistake of calling Dad, in August, for sympathy/empathy when his brother Walt, my godfather, died. Dad turned the phone call to all about him; his loss, his pain. I felt non-existent and hollow. I haven't spoken with him since. He doesn't "give a shit"(his words, years earlier, when I complained) It was a monologue about only himself.

  • @joannbyrd6324
    @joannbyrd6324 Місяць тому +5

    Iron sharpens iron Watch and Pray 🙏🌎⏳⚖️☮️💯🙌

  • @MusicsInMySoul_7
    @MusicsInMySoul_7 Місяць тому +1

    Thank you so very much for these videos because they give me hope and strength while I'm "untangling the web," in which i found myself . I'm so very grateful 🙏

  • @fayc1804
    @fayc1804 Місяць тому +1

    I worked at a particular location of a company that we labeled narcissistic. It was so bad that we quit in our minds every day. Yet, it was so good that it was hard to leave. 50/50. Thin line. 🙃😑

  • @stephj9673
    @stephj9673 Місяць тому +2

    I knew something was wrong when my mother was competing against me instead of bonding with me. She hated me so much because I was getting more attention than her. I mean, babies and small children usually get more attention than adults. Anytime I got attention. She would get in the middle and start taking charge of the conversation and tell them that I was a spoiled, rotten brat! Especially when it came to my father. And there’s a list of a lot more things from her. I have CPTSD and I’m trying to heal from that. she would pretend that everything was great and then when I was alone with her, she took her mask off. Her favorite saying was it’s all in my mind. Not saying this is for everybody… But for me, I’m in no contact with her and it was the best thing I’ve ever done! Breaking the chains!

  • @isobelshaw3958
    @isobelshaw3958 Місяць тому +2

    My husband is 84 with heart and kidney disease. I'm 76 and fairly healthy. I told my husband I would no longer cut his hair or do his feet, and that I would be making appointments for him. He looked pretty put out but didn't say anything, and the subject hasn't been mentioned again. He's trying to be nice, by being affectionate, but I'm no longer able to respond. He's trying to soften me up so I'll do his hair and feet. I used to love him so much, I would have done anything for him, I was affectionate and tactile, but bit by bit he's totally destroyed me, and I feel so, so angry.

    • @well_weathered
      @well_weathered Місяць тому +1

      🫂 My father won't accept a healthcare aide and is still making my mother take on that responsibility. She is the only person he will allow.

    • @sharronwhite128
      @sharronwhite128 Місяць тому +2

      Me too! He ruins anything that's not about him....At our Granddaughters wedding he decided he didn't want to sit up front, so I missed out on hearing and seeing the vow ceremony up close. My daughter who was so upset asked me why we stayed in the back ? I said it was stay in the back or cause a scene, and I wasn't going to let that happen at the wedding.
      In every photo he just looks so mean and miserable. He is 80 and I am 67, married for 34 yrs and since he retired in 2021 he has gotten worse, or I have woken up to his crap....He traveled for work and was gone most of the time so I only had to deal with it on holidays.
      I want him to leave so badly that I feel guilty.
      I find myself wishing I was a widow, awful I know. I hate how everyone just loves him and thinks he is so wonderful and so funny.

  • @melodybucker3803
    @melodybucker3803 Місяць тому +2

    #1. Check!! #2 check

  • @marilangdon7087
    @marilangdon7087 Місяць тому +2

    In my family, you're either a narc or you marry one. Duh! I was trying to figure out which one of my parents was the narcissist, I think this video helped me figure that out. I feel as though, you either support them or get out. 😥.

  • @heathersteinhoff9540
    @heathersteinhoff9540 Місяць тому +1

    Thank you Dr. C and Gus!

  • @merin797
    @merin797 Місяць тому +1

    I texted him that after 20 months of deep research from three of the top experts in the field, I felt stronger for having done the work. Without naming “NPD”, I told him that “I know”. Simply, my message was vague enough, but clear enough. I never mentioned details. I don’t believe they aren’t bothered when they get caught out. I got sick of the utter disrespect, stonewalking, undeserved punishments and silences, gaslighting, silent rages and lack of affection. (Witholding for that matter). I don’t believe they are not bothered, and “untouchable”. And for all the ones who should follow after me, they will suffer the same I did.
    I don’t believe they ALL have other women, physically. Maybe in a chat room somewhere, or texting), but that’s just sad.
    And I don’t believe they don’t know what they are. And I don’t believe, they don’t know that WE know what they are.
    I don’t believe they don’t suffer when the best person they may have EVER had a good chance with, for a decent life walks away.

  • @erlinavicente7411
    @erlinavicente7411 День тому +1

    One question: should I be fearful of my losing my life with a Covert narcissist? I already am afraid, but should I fear for my life and my kids lives? He is already unpredictable, untrustworthy, and temperamental. He’s Lied and cheated a multitude of times already.

    • @SurvivingNarcissism
      @SurvivingNarcissism  День тому

      If you're having to ask this question, it tells me you should listen to your gut and seek ways to have strong boundaries. By all means, make sure trusted advisors are in the know.

    • @erlinavicente7411
      @erlinavicente7411 День тому

      @ He is a smooth talker and has already managed to sway my best friends and my family into thinking that he is the nice guy. I’m already embarrassed 😞 it’s as if I’ve been gaslighted by the few people I know. My shame is that I stayed even after his 3rd time having an affair.

  • @MeCynthiaAnn
    @MeCynthiaAnn Місяць тому +1

    Also, as long as the topic is about another covert or narcissist, or somebody else they could go on and on and on, and be your favorite cheerleader and supportive but if one tiny thing is about them oh my my hair comes the rage.
    So really they are faking the empathy and just trying to look like the hero when they are so-called listening to you.
    Hugs From Cynthia Ann

  • @Grateful4life4time
    @Grateful4life4time Місяць тому +4

    Thank you, helpful 🙏

  • @patriciamulyanga680
    @patriciamulyanga680 Місяць тому +1

    Thanks so much for this information . I have

  • @annemariegodden
    @annemariegodden Місяць тому +1

    Bless you and thank you, Dr C.

  • @Blusky-j2z
    @Blusky-j2z Місяць тому +2

    100% true. How do you know so well my spouse? You may have add passive-agressive behaviors, remarks seemingly "that's really" but always devaluating me (or children by the way).

  • @2Snakes
    @2Snakes Місяць тому +2

    Brilliant. Thank you.