I learned this the hard way in my past relationships. Now, in my current relationship, I realize that I was never asking for too much, but I was asking the wrong person.
But nobody else is responsible for your needs. In an ideal world, everyone would be "whole" and although that isn't the case, you can't expect someone else to fill in the hole that another person has.
And thats valid. If a man or a woman is not receiving affection from their partner the person may start to feel needy because your partner is someone who you can count on to keep that consistency. By being with my partner I made a commitment to stay committed to my role in being a loving partner and keeping my love consistent that is unless something goes amiss that makes me act otherwise. If a person is not receiving affection and then receives it but is still feeling needy then maybe there is something deeper that is going on that may or may not need professional help with trying to fill an open void. There’s nothing wrong with having needs but there is a problem when there is no boundaries within those needs. 🙂
I also felt too needy until I got into another relationship with the right person. Never felt needy again. If you match with someone they will provide that same connection you want.
The right person will always make you feel at home. A place where you feel it is okay to trust this person. Trusting decreases our neediness. We need the person but we dont need to be too clingy
@@randybobandy9828- I think that word gets thrown around too much. What’s wrong with being dependent on each other? It’s only bad if you can’t do anything without that person. There’s nothing wrong with saying that you need or want someone in your life.
@@francestaylor9156everything is wrong with Adults being dependent on someone else to pick up their load. Creates a lazy , unproductive and unaccountable environment. Me personally don’t want other people’s problems and that’s the bottom line
People who see people as "too needy" are simply not capable of providing the kind of love that person needs. That doesn't make either person a bad person. They just have a different view of what love is.
There is such thing as being needy. For example, someone who is super clingy which makes them come off as insecure and always expecting the partner to reassure you. That shi is annoying and needy
@j12348006 If someone is too clingy, that means that person has trauma. You are not equipped to deal with that trauma. My roommate had that issue and was super codependent. Her boyfriend did a great job of showing up for her in the ways she needed him to, and she is learning to be less clingy & codependent. I know that I would not have been able to deal with her clinginess like he did. We all have different abilities to deal with different traits. So I do believe that "too clingy" is a matter of opinion and ability to deal with it.
@j12348006 Most people especially women who are blamed for being "too needy" have suffered domestic violence abuse emotional abuse and they over apologize because their personal boundaries were ignored and this left them in constant fight or flight mode.
@@freyjastravelchariot3343 no one is should be equip to deal with someone else's trauma, it is everyone responsibility to fix themselves. the bf himself may have an unhealthy habit of fixing other people. the person with trauma maybe borderline abusive emotionally
Sometimes they emotionally check out because they are exhausted from trying and the other one doesn’t appreciate. Also the other one has hurt them and not been safe for them. After all this heartbreak yes they check out emotionally. They don’t see any other thing working.
I myself am needy and need reassurance. I realized I’m probably not going to get the reassurance from others… so I have to do that for myself. Be your own advocate and support system. Tell yourself the things you want to hear from others.
Community and connection is so important! So much of this show is "you can't do it alone". So much of modern life is atomization as individuals but we need other people. You will find someone or people who is overjoyed to stand in your corner and reassure you!
As Dr. John says, "Behavior is a language." Behavior is communication. If their behavior goes against what you say, they are essentially saying they don't care about how you feel, what you are saying, etc.
It’s a lot of self work and self discovery with having been in fight/flight mode for most of your childhood. Growing pains is lifelong. Never stop learning.
I haaaate when I don’t answer and they call me back 6 times for something that’s not even urgent it’s just in hopes that I pick up if you keep calling and it feels REALLY controlling and gross
This one hit really hard for me. I love this girl so much and the last thing I want to do is be a burden to her. She’s only ever inspired me and I want to be someone she can lean on too. I feel like I’m behind. I owe it to her to do better. Thank you John
Not gonna lie, if someone calls me 6+ times in a row and it’s not an emergency is a total turn off. Like I’m going to be there, and answer as soon as I can. But like, can I have peace inbetween the madness.
I was thinking this as well. I think the Dr. hit it right on the head "she doesn't want to be used as a tool to make you feel better". I'm a true believer in fixing yourself before you enter into a relationship.
@@heyitsmyTeeTayou can’t fix issues you have in a relationship without being in said relationship. How would you know where you fall short/need to change/where you get triggered if you aren’t even open to one
@@JayClarke1750 it's unfair to be aware that you have trust issues or have trauma around trust and not try to work through that. Romantic relationships aren't a tool for a person to figure out what is wrong with them. It's about having self awareness.
@JayClarke1750 you don't have to be a perfect person, but you know if you have emotional baggage. And if those bags are big you need to unpack before you get into a relationship. Of course a relationship will have its challenges but no reason to have serious issues and a relationship on top of that, it's not fair to you or the other person. If ypu have serious trust issues, fix it. If you have addictions or very poor coping skills, fix yourself. Don't put it on someone else
Joe's story really hit with me. I'm the youngest of 4 kids and I was always the go between, I was even the channel changer before remotes came along. In my mid 20's I had a nervous breakdown and found an excellent therapist. At the time I was a Bank Manager and extremely busy switching Banks from the selling Bank to the purchasing Bank and I routinely worked 80 plus hours a week. I didn't listen to my body and nearly jumped off a bridge. Luckily the love of my parents stopped me because I worried they would believe it was somehow their fault, especially my Mom and I was drinking a lot of wine at night to find a couple of hours of sleep. It took 4 months of 3 days a week therapy sessions just to feel like I had a right to my own feelings. I had always been able to tell how my Siblings would react to a situation and it was my job to smooth things over so they wouldn't be mad. Long story short, I'm now able to say no to things I don't want to do with my siblings, which I never would have even thought about as an option. I would have done things I knew they wanted of me. I wish Joe peace and happiness and he has a long road ahead but he will be better for it.
I have this dynamic in my relationship. We love each other very much. I'm more of a loner, while my partner is very much wanting to be together more. I value my alone time more than he does his own. An interesting observation is, when he's been busy doing his own thing or not as attentive, I will become more attentive. It's the 'push pull' syndrome. I feel bad that I'm less affectionate or attentive. I find myself feeling smothered when he's "too attentive or loving." When I was younger or sometimes when I was recently single, I'd feel anxious about not being in a relationship. I can relate to both sides of this dynamic or attachment style.
Are you me? I have the exact same issue. I crave solitude for a little while. My husband cannot handle that. I pray for the nights he’s busy with his work 😂 gives me a break
Same here. I need my time on my own plus with my girls. He doesn’t express it but I believe that my fiancé also likes his me time. Although we see each other 2-3 time per week and chat nightly, I purposely leave him alone for good stretches to do his own thing (loves motorcycles and has a group of Christian guys he hangs with to ride and talk bikes). It just seems to work for us.
Having needs is a turn off for women. Reframe your needs as desires. I WANT this. Not I NEED this. Desires are hot, Needs are not. When I stopped thinking of my desires as needs it immediately improved my intimate relationship with my wife.
Cole, I'm so sorry about what you experienced as a child growing up and what's going on now with your gf. I've come to find, as an abuse survivor, I really needed to be with someone who has also been through similar trauma so there is a level of empathy between us that we can't really get from someone who hasn't experienced these things. Not to say this will be the fix you need, but it sure does help. My husband and I have both been through trauma and the amount of grace we have for each other is beautiful. We don't attempt to "fix" each other, we are both on our own individual healing journeys but we support and encourage each other~ and coming from families that didn't have these as a part of relationships, this has been so healing! ❤
Dr., I like how you started with, SHE might be the problem, so stop trying to fix her & find someone more compatible, & it made HIM realize that he is probably at least 1/2 of the problem because of his childhood (he was stunned into silence with the realization), & he may have picked a woman that is at where he left off with his dysfunctional family (because that’s his “normal”). You kept his defenses down so he could see the bigger picture. Well done!
21:00 Bookmarking my personal epiphany. I never connected my father’s explosive temper with my avoidant behaviors. I just realized my body learned it was safest to be out of sight, out of mind. And that I’m afraid to show up for people because I’m afraid of that responsibility in relationships.
First time here. I am so grateful you came across my feed. Your advice is very solid. I love and appreciate how you lead people back to themselves and prove it’s never the person or the thing, it’s a mirror of something we are not aware of clearly. Thank you! Good stuff!!
I used to have a boyfriend that would call me incesaantly while I was at WORK. He would also worry about who I might be talking to or getting close to, so he would often bring flowers to my WORK and request to see me and have me come out to talk to him. He was doing this often enough that it was threatening my job/income for me and my child. NOT ACCEPTABLE. I basically broke up with him over it. It kind of reminded me of Ross harrassing Rachel at work on the Friends tv show. The problem that caused them to take the infamous "break." He was my definition of "too needy." Fine with me that he wanted love and reassurance regularly or even that he wanted to be a top priority to me. What was NOT ok was that he cared more about getting his emotional "fix" NOW than about my well being/job staying intact. If we had just had a fight, left it unresolved, and he wanted me to demonstrate that he was more important than a client ONCE or TWICE.. fine. But this was just his regular way of behaving. It was kind of sad to have to break up with someone who just wants to be around you all the time...but there was no respect for basic limits. It began to feel insulting that he manipulated and expected to be catered to all.the.time.
Hon-He was CONTROLLING YOU by pretending he needed you desperately. Good thing you broke up, Next steps CONTROLLERS do are to alienate you from everyone you know-family and friends,..
Sounds a bit narcissistic. They don't know boundaries. Work is work. The odd call is ok but that isn't acceptable. I call my husband at times cause I'm just annoying and call for stupid things lol
I want to say thank you for commenting this. You verbalized some feelings I’ve had and it helped me understand myself. I’ve got a similar problem and my job is being threatened over it. She has no boundaries and I feel like a prisoner or hostage. Thank you for helping me
@@Ryan-wj7yq I have noticed that SOME people feel total emotional relief if you tell them: * "You are my top priority. If you were in a car crash or REALLY needed something emotionally or otherwise, I would TOTALLY drop everything and take a day off or shorten my work schedule... wharever is necessary, and I will back that up with actions. AND... Please do NOT try to take advantage of that offer just to use me for every whim or I would lose my income over small issues and I need to be strong and self-sustaining to be of any long term benefit to you. So I will sometimes have to ask you to back off if you seem to be going to far and if you won't respect those boundaries...you'd have to be dumped at some point for your selfishness in not learning to regulate your own basic emotions/needs at LEAST until AFTER work." I had a partner say that to me up front in a relationship once and it soothed my soul so much, it calmed down my own neediness. I tested the situation a few times to see what would happen and he would definitely drop anything work related for me if I asked...so it let me know how much he cared and I backed off when he had to ask me to once. From then on, I rarely ever bothered him at work because I felt I knew where I stood and where he stood. Sometimes if our boundaries aren't clear...people never stop testing us AND never relax because you haven't offered them safety IN the relationship. And SOME people won't be relieved by that because they need more than relationship safety...they need YOU to fix and fill them completely...and no one can do that for someone else for long or it becomes a vampire/parasite situation like in my first story.
You have given me so much peace in my relationship security. And that's saying something, my husband and i have been together for 17 years and he was my first kiss. Thank you for filling in those gaps.
Codependency is a real thing. He needs to find the underlying personal issue at hand whether it's a self-worth from childhood trauma or neglect. Sounds like he's known chaos all his life and he's found coping/defense mechanisms that he's using now.
OK so if someone calls me and I don’t answer because I couldn’t answer it doesn’t mean you call me right back. If you keep calling me when I don’t answer, I don’t answer cause I can’t. And the phone keeps ringing. It may be there, but I can’t answer it now it’s just getting annoying. I don’t care if it’s my other or whoever it is leave me a message and I’ll call you back
Exactly! I once dated a guy for a couple of months and he called me 30 times in one day. Even though I had let him know that I had plans with my family until a certain time and that I would call him afterwards. When I did call him back and asked what the emergency was, he said he just wanted to know what I was doing. I told him I couldn't see him anymore...huge red flag.
This guy and his girl, just are not suited. To HER, his perfectly reasonable need for reassurance and affirmation is too much...to 'needy'. However, there is a wonderful woman out there who will fit him like a glove and vice versa for her. Nothing wrong with this young man, they are just not suited for one another. Good luck, you WILL find her !
I love the idea of being open for your kids to come to you about anything. It’s invaluable. I only wish my parents were like this when I was growing up, I always felt like I had to take on the world alone. But it was a different generation and a different time. Glad things are changing.
2nd caller also needs to not over pack the day with grand things. Bitsize small wins. 1 small win leads to 2 wins and 3. Then you realize that half the big task is done, just from doing those small things. " I'm not going to landscape a new garden bed this weekend. Instead I'm going to draw out the boarder and prep the area". The feeling of accomplishment and achievement are important parts of motivation. Especially if you have any type of executive function disorders.
This episode has been incredibly helpful for me! I’ve had C-PTSD for years & recently found out I likely have OCD. Your advice is fantastic Dr Delony! I’m binge listening you
When are we getting more in depth on the advice you gave the last caller about the male/feminine response? The not wanting to make decisions on the man’s part. Need this so much!
Re. the 3rd caller, I would have found it helpful to know the ages of this couple. It may be this person is with an older guy that is incompatible. His children are grown and hers are not. He is sedentary and is inactive. He's had bypasses. She is active and eats healthy. She is proactive in the relationship. He stepped back long ago. Even though she feels it's a failure to leave. Sadly, it just appears to be a mismatch. Relationships come and go. She needs to be kind to herself.
I was with my now ex/am possibly still this first caller. I saw differences in our personalities that were able to be worked through, but with my overwhelming behavior I closed off any opportunity for us to have a happy and healthy relationship. Months of counseling in and I’m grieving, feeling shame, and rebuilding relationships with friends when all I want is her or another person to show me that level of affection. It is such a slow process but we have been moving so fast in our mind and feeling free. The real freedom comes from seeing long-term change.
Shout out to Kimberly from Yorktown VA. My neck of the woods. After my divorce, I ran into a few guys that were the complete opposite of me . I'm very active, and they weren't . I spend a 30-year marriage with a non active guy. No more.
Just wanna say I was born in 1992 and I leave voicemails and hate when other people don't. If you don't leave a voicemail I guess it wasn't important enough to warrant me calling you back, so I won't 🤷♀️
Being a ‘67 baby….if you weren’t home for a call ☎️ you just spoke to them later 👍🏻 There wasn’t anything taken “personally” about no answer - At least not to the extent it has taken on in this time period.
@@Lucyfur2022 I'd say that's likely because today so many people always have their phone in hand at all most all times, so if you call them and they don't answer it's usually because they're ignoring you. Even more so when you call or text yet no response, but you go on social media and see they literally just posted a minute after you reached out. They're ignoring you. Technology just created all kinds of ways to make people increasingly insecure haha
One of the issues with the military is at rest is not implemented into the culture. And if soldiers do rest, they're considered lazy. When really people are just trying to cope and recover.
So true!! Single tasking, taking time off, block scheduling and leaving margin are all things that are healthy, but seen as weak, unprepared, unable to handle multiple things at once (even in office settings) in the military. Its a culture where EVERYTHING is and emergency, and everything is priority NOW. Not understanding that if everything is a priority, nothing is a priority.
I think this man could benefit from ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). Unfortunately, many counselors aren’t well versed in issues around alcoholism.
Damn. Honestly, listening to these shows me how much I have grown from my trauma and makes me see how much I am with the right person. We both had trauma from past relationships and family. We held on together through our issues and helped each other. It has NOT been easy cause it's not supposed to be. Some of these people just need to find the right person. 😞
49:28 Some of the early lessons I learned from my mom... Was to take pride in every little thing you do. Every job around the house, anything you touch. She also told me we're not meant to be happy all the time... I and my cousins can remember her singing, "row row row your boat, gently down the stream! merrily merrily merrily merrily.. life is NOT a dream". I know that sounds morbid.. But it was very good to hear very young. Just matter of fact. Not scary.
A lot of times we learned those things in childhood, I found it was lack of self esteem, one needs someone to reassure us. Research about it. Pray for Gods help 😇
My dad was a "whatever you want" man, or "I don't really care for that but whatever you like". I He was not there for me. It took me years to learn that, including several "not there for me" relationships.
Learn to love yourself. You should be whole by yourself before looking for a relationship. Otherwise you become co-dependent on someone else. One person becomes the giver and another the taker. It will start to wear down the giver.
@@elfascisto6549 Not sure who told you you can't love yourself. You have to accept and love all parts of yourself in order to love others. The good, the bad and the ugly. Not to say you need to ignore bad things but just recognize you are a human who made mistakes and learn from them. Don't look for outside sources in order to feel loved. It starts with you.
Classic case of the anxious - avoidant trap. He needs to work on healing his attachment style from anxious to earned secure. So yeah, he actually does need to change himself. So does his gf. I'm pretty surprised this advice didn't come up during the call.
My ex would call and text back to back to back and then accuse me of cheating while grocery shopping for our family 8. That's a controlling behavior and eventually became more abusive. He wanted my attention at all times and I had 6 to 4 children at home to also take care of. He is an addict and his relapses were very traumatic. He did grow up in disfunction and had cancer at 14 but no matter my empathy for him, I had to save myself and my children from his chaos cycle
If he really is just dating this woman, he needs to understand why he is depending on this woman so much for his emotional self worth. He should realize that she is not committed this long term relationship as he is and move on from her. All he would have to do is go focus on himself at the gym or his job etc and she would come running back to him. Take his self respect back.
Struggle relationships are not ok. When you allow fear to make your decisions, you end up miserable . You cant change your partner either accept them as they're or move on. Life is too short
My husband was too needy and he was not putting his needs in front of the Lord and was putting it all on me. It was a huge turnoff in so many ways. He finally gave it all to God and things got so much better. He still does it sometimes and I have to gently remind him.
So, when he needs support or a shoulder to cry on, you say, go cry to Jesus? Sounds like your husband needs support he isn't getting. Things have only gotten better because he has resigned to the fact when he needs something, he can't turn to you.
What I don’t understand is why on earth the American concept is to cut ties from parents/family when getting married? The rest of the world keep close ties with one another even though they marry or what have you? Wake up people you only have one family in this world!!
If I don’t get my goals done when I scheduled them out I tell myself, you’re lazy Marsha. I don’t feel accomplished if I’m not getting stuff done. I get down on myself bcz my workload builds up. What’s crazy, I look around my house & yard & I make new projects for myself & then I feel overwhelmed, but darn it that’s who I’m. I’m running my own business, take care of my house & lawn, including jacking up my floor joists lol. I try to do everything myself. I need prayer! 🙏
In my experience men try to get aaaalllllll their "needs" from their wife or so. Men need deep connections with other men. Some men use their wives or so's as their external emotional regulators.
Giving up on the unhealthy relationship is actually a GREAT lesson. Youngsters who stay in unhealthy relationships "because I LOVE them!" can get them into TERRIBLE trouble.
Regarding the last call, I think John should have asked the lady to have a conversation with her new partner or husband (cant remember again) and told him exactly how she feels and make him understand that his lack of action is pushing her away, at least she should make that attempt in my opinion and when that fails, she can move on but no, he quickly agrees with her decision and makes her believe its ok to call it quits without giving an extra push, at least for the kids sake. He just literally told her its ok to end a relationship once its hard or not going as you expect and im sorry, i dont agree with that.
The first caller is how my husband is, the second caller is me, except postal. 😂😅 its not fulfilling work, so I'm sure that another reason he feels the way he does. It's taken me a while to not let the job define me and my intelligence and drive.
@PinkRose0910 He said they were together for 5 years, so I'm assuming he didn't count the time they were broken up. That's a lot of time to know if you're ready to marry someone. Just saying.
I waited since I was 13 in 2002 to marry my husband as a grown woman in 2019. 5 yrs sounds so new and fresh still. Maybe my perception is ruined because of my experience hahaha
@brodello9249 You were 13. You had no other option than to wait. Marriage is legal at the age of 18. I'm not waiting 5 years to get married. A man does not need to wait that long to know if he wants to marry you. Many men would waste your time and your youth and take away your baby making years just for you both to break up, and he moves on to marry another woman he met after one year. No thanks. My time is precious and shall not be wasted on someone who does not know what he wants.
19:23 The rant about how parents lay responsibility onto kids!!! Oh my gawd! My whole childhood Dad would explode-go nuts beat us kids and then Mom would be the clean-up crew flipping the blame into us. “You KNOW your dad has a terrible temper-he can’t help it. “ (Said like “a terrible disease. He can’t help it-“ With sympathy for him HIM!) “You shouldn’t have pushed his buttons by acting up” (meaning acting appropriately for our actual age) “You’ve got to be quiet and nice not rowdy like brats! Now clean up this mess! No one wants to look at a mess. And don’t talk about his hairline. He knows he’s bald -You can’t say he is tho!” But…he asked ,” Does my bald spot look bigger?’ He was laughing but I have to answer him or he gets mad.” “Just say ‘I don’t know-probably not.” “BUT it does!.”😮
He's not asking for tips and tricks to change who he is, he's asking how to deal with his anxiety. He literally said he gets bad anxiety. that's not normal. that's not who he is.
He’s lost his self respect by acting like this, and now feels more anxious than ever - it’s a vicious cycle. He should be with someone who matches his energy more.
In this time and place of my life I am sensing that I am a "dose" When you said, John, that your family came into town and you all had your dose of each other... And then they left. Am I wishing for to much to wish that my grown kids need and want my company because they love me and miss me? I have never been a meddling, nosey mother/ mother in law. I find myself thinking about things like " Has enough time passed that I can call my kids without them feeling like I'm to needy or a bother? I often times feel like at least two of my four children feel "obligated" to call me or invite me for holidays. Seriously John... I'm a very lovely, loving woman? I don't understand why they are acting this way or am I expecting to much to desire to be loved and have my children really want me around? It seems like the more space I give them... The more they forget about me 😔 I don't want to be a "dose"!!!
The second caller, UPS driver, needs rest. That was a good call. When i was one i hade enough time to take the kids to school on my way to work, eat and sleep. Thats it during the week. Its tough.
Cole you are awesome! Don't assume the issue is you. Finding someone who is able to make you feel loved is so important. I have had those relationships when you have to chase the other person and it ends badly. Also your current relationship sounds unstable. A therapist could help you figure out what type of person is a good fit if you are interested and continue to heal from your traumatic childhood.
I absolutely hate when guys "say whatever you want" 😂. I had to set some ground rules in my relationship so that that didn't run out of control. When asked a question you have to at least give suggestions. It goes both ways and sometimes each of us will opt out but as long as it's not every single time it works for me and he doesn't mind playing along 😂
First call: he’s with the wrong person and he needs therapy. Third call: she needs to let him go. That guy has checked out and is done with life already. She’s literally his hospice nurse as Dr. D said.
What a weird take, that someone else trying "to fix" someone else's need for space within a relationship or not be called back to back to back is being told they have to change who they are. That's an anxious attachment style, and therapy could benefit the first caller.
Great advice, a self evaluation. Get a referral to a good Psychiatrist and Therapist. You can get the right medication and therapy to process the stuff from your childhood? Blessings. Certainly, self improvement for a better life and being a better partner is a worthy pursuit.
24:29 sometimes you just need a break my guy! Ive totally done that. Its not the end of the world. I know its a "habit" but maybe that habit is because you dont actually take a break when people are around, ever. So maybe if you plan brakes when you are with people and generally have that "supervision", Maybe by the time you have time by yourself you will have the energy to do the extra x y and z! Men and women both need me time!! NO ONE is productive 24/7. Schedule rest just like work! Your body is telling you something. And when everything is data, That means nothing is inherently good nor bad. It Just is.
My bestie had a husband who would call her and text her incessantly if she didn't respond immediately. They are getting divorced because he was following her around the apartment when he was upset about something, then proceeded to flip her over the couch by her hair, and pulled out a quarter sized chunk by the roots. This guy needs therapy before he takes out his insecurities on her.
Having to mother your boyfriend that way is exhausting! I’m a bit overweight, and what is driving my weight loss and healthy lifestyle is the desire to have children, be active in older age etc… and avoid diseases! My ex wouldn’t eat vegetable or drink water… he would always say “I will eat well when you cook for me and we live together and get married” it was so unattractive and worrying. He wouldn’t shower or brush his teeth either! I saw a flash of our future and realised that I wanted to have to nag my children to eat their veges and shower, NOT my spouse. I believe in role modelling for kids, and all I asked for was effort. I didn’t need him to go get washboard abs or hit a target weight. I wanted to see steady effort in the direction of health, and he didn’t. It put strain on the relationship. In the end, it’s so important to be compatible in values.
She is not the right woman for him. It is ok to have wants and expect them and if he isn't getting what he wants and needs it is time to find a woman who will give him what he needs.
1. I think it’s over. I need to hear from the woman. Calling back to back because she doesn’t answer a text soon enough? She may already be out the door. 2. Stop following people like that Peterson guy, give yourself a break! It’s okay to take a break. 3. Break up with him NoW. How did they even get together when they are such opposites. Good chance he will say he will change blah blah blah. He won’t, at least not for the long term. You aren’t compatible. She’s been way way too patient and kind. She will be his nurse while he ages extra fast and is very sick. This is the great thing about dating, you can break up. THEY are NOT married, BF/GF =/= husband/wife. And she can’t stay with this man (and be his nurse) for her kids! So have a civil breakup and be kind, it’s possible. He will meet somebody more like him perhaps or someone who will be willing to be a nurse. Wishing her well!
Being needy is not sexy indeed because if it is the man "wanting his needs met" the wife becomes his mother. That maternal instinct kicks in when wants become needs. That is not a healthy relationship and becomes like coca cola. First it is good, then light and finally zero. 🙄😂🤣😂🤭
Needy people need a codependent. Needy needs & takes, & no amount of taking fulfills their needs. Codependents give & give to their detriment, & usually end up being used & abused. Women who give away their life savings to online scammers are the worst of codependents.
How come people never see what’s wrong with the other person until after marriage? Never made sense to me. Are people this blind, or do they not leave just to keep an easy sex partner around?
Because you literally change throughout life. Sometimes people change and develop bad habits or qualities after marriage in response to life or whatever. And generally, problematic marriages have minimal to zero sex
I’m sorry but I disagree with Dr. John on the second one. This poor guy just needs love but it sounds like his girlfriend is cold hearted.😢. For a guy to want affection and love is a treasure ..your “other half”SHOULD be the one to reciprocate that love and affection!
I learned this the hard way in my past relationships. Now, in my current relationship, I realize that I was never asking for too much, but I was asking the wrong person.
Yes I wish that I had looked at a relationship that any red flags look into it. You don't have to get married.
People are needy when their needs aren’t being met
Yuck .. “needs” are such a turn off
But nobody else is responsible for your needs. In an ideal world, everyone would be "whole" and although that isn't the case, you can't expect someone else to fill in the hole that another person has.
And thats valid. If a man or a woman is not receiving affection from their partner the person may start to feel needy because your partner is someone who you can count on to keep that consistency. By being with my partner I made a commitment to stay committed to my role in being a loving partner and keeping my love consistent that is unless something goes amiss that makes me act otherwise. If a person is not receiving affection and then receives it but is still feeling needy then maybe there is something deeper that is going on that may or may not need professional help with trying to fill an open void. There’s nothing wrong with having needs but there is a problem when there is no boundaries within those needs. 🙂
@@Maruchannnwell said!
Right!!😃
I also felt too needy until I got into another relationship with the right person. Never felt needy again. If you match with someone they will provide that same connection you want.
So now you're codependent
The right person will always make you feel at home. A place where you feel it is okay to trust this person.
Trusting decreases our neediness. We need the person but we dont need to be too clingy
@@randybobandy9828- I think that word gets thrown around too much. What’s wrong with being dependent on each other? It’s only bad if you can’t do anything without that person. There’s nothing wrong with saying that you need or want someone in your life.
Exacty human beings got where they are today by depending on each other. We are wired for it.@@francestaylor9156
@@francestaylor9156everything is wrong with Adults being dependent on someone else to pick up their load. Creates a lazy , unproductive and unaccountable environment. Me personally don’t want other people’s problems and that’s the bottom line
People who see people as "too needy" are simply not capable of providing the kind of love that person needs. That doesn't make either person a bad person. They just have a different view of what love is.
There is such thing as being needy. For example, someone who is super clingy which makes them come off as insecure and always expecting the partner to reassure you. That shi is annoying and needy
@j12348006 If someone is too clingy, that means that person has trauma. You are not equipped to deal with that trauma.
My roommate had that issue and was super codependent. Her boyfriend did a great job of showing up for her in the ways she needed him to, and she is learning to be less clingy & codependent.
I know that I would not have been able to deal with her clinginess like he did. We all have different abilities to deal with different traits. So I do believe that "too clingy" is a matter of opinion and ability to deal with it.
@@freyjastravelchariot3343 always seeking reassurance, validation and or attention is objectively being needy. Is what it is
@j12348006 Most people especially women who are blamed for being "too needy" have suffered domestic violence abuse emotional abuse and they over apologize because their personal boundaries were ignored and this left them in constant fight or flight mode.
@@freyjastravelchariot3343 no one is should be equip to deal with someone else's trauma, it is everyone responsibility to fix themselves. the bf himself may have an unhealthy habit of fixing other people. the person with trauma maybe borderline abusive emotionally
To the third caller... worst feeling in the world when your partner checks out and makes you feel like you don't matter and that they don't care.
Sometimes they emotionally check out because they are exhausted from trying and the other one doesn’t appreciate. Also the other one has hurt them and not been safe for them. After all this heartbreak yes they check out emotionally. They don’t see any other thing working.
@@Nasima1368course some angry black chick answers with that
@@otpays8552 course some racist, misogynistic jagoff answers with that
@@otpays8552🤨🤨🤨 does the truth hurt
She's the one who is doing that
Sadly he is not asking for too much, but the wrong person. I pray that one day I'll get a man like this, so precious.
I myself am needy and need reassurance. I realized I’m probably not going to get the reassurance from others… so I have to do that for myself.
Be your own advocate and support system. Tell yourself the things you want to hear from others.
Yep
Community and connection is so important! So much of this show is "you can't do it alone". So much of modern life is atomization as individuals but we need other people. You will find someone or people who is overjoyed to stand in your corner and reassure you!
@@justasmalltimebean absolutely that and doing it for yourself too.
No one can ever take it from you if you give it to yourself too! ❤
As Dr. John says, "Behavior is a language." Behavior is communication. If their behavior goes against what you say, they are essentially saying they don't care about how you feel, what you are saying, etc.
Yep. Men fall in love w looks, women fall in love w words.
It’s a lot of self work and self discovery with having been in fight/flight mode for most of your childhood. Growing pains is lifelong. Never stop learning.
I haaaate when I don’t answer and they call me back 6 times for something that’s not even urgent it’s just in hopes that I pick up if you keep calling and it feels REALLY controlling and gross
I can relate this first caller, It takes a lot of therapy and deep digging to be able regulate your emotions and to be a safe place for yourself.
Just offering love and compassion fo the callers and appreciating listening to John's advice. Thank you!
❤❤🎉❤❤🎉❤❤🎉❤❤🎉
This one hit really hard for me. I love this girl so much and the last thing I want to do is be a burden to her. She’s only ever inspired me and I want to be someone she can lean on too. I feel like I’m behind. I owe it to her to do better. Thank you John
If you have trauma in your background. Try EMDR therapy. Changed my life.
Sometimes this guy says something and it blows my mind. So simple, so straightforward, so, so different to what I was coming up with.
Not gonna lie, if someone calls me 6+ times in a row and it’s not an emergency is a total turn off. Like I’m going to be there, and answer as soon as I can. But like, can I have peace inbetween the madness.
Exactly.. Peace please
I was thinking this as well. I think the Dr. hit it right on the head "she doesn't want to be used as a tool to make you feel better". I'm a true believer in fixing yourself before you enter into a relationship.
@@heyitsmyTeeTayou can’t fix issues you have in a relationship without being in said relationship. How would you know where you fall short/need to change/where you get triggered if you aren’t even open to one
@@JayClarke1750 it's unfair to be aware that you have trust issues or have trauma around trust and not try to work through that. Romantic relationships aren't a tool for a person to figure out what is wrong with them. It's about having self awareness.
@JayClarke1750 you don't have to be a perfect person, but you know if you have emotional baggage. And if those bags are big you need to unpack before you get into a relationship. Of course a relationship will have its challenges but no reason to have serious issues and a relationship on top of that, it's not fair to you or the other person. If ypu have serious trust issues, fix it. If you have addictions or very poor coping skills, fix yourself. Don't put it on someone else
Joe's story really hit with me. I'm the youngest of 4 kids and I was always the go between, I was even the channel changer before remotes came along.
In my mid 20's I had a nervous breakdown and found an excellent therapist. At the time I was a Bank Manager and extremely busy switching Banks from the selling Bank to the purchasing Bank and I routinely worked 80 plus hours a week. I didn't listen to my body and nearly jumped off a bridge. Luckily the love of my parents stopped me because I worried they would believe it was somehow their fault, especially my Mom and I was drinking a lot of wine at night to find a couple of hours of sleep.
It took 4 months of 3 days a week therapy sessions just to feel like I had a right to my own feelings. I had always been able to tell how my Siblings would react to a situation and it was my job to smooth things over so they wouldn't be mad.
Long story short, I'm now able to say no to things I don't want to do with my siblings, which I never would have even thought about as an option. I would have done things I knew they wanted of me.
I wish Joe peace and happiness and he has a long road ahead but he will be better for it.
I have this dynamic in my relationship. We love each other very much. I'm more of a loner, while my partner is very much wanting to be together more. I value my alone time more than he does his own. An interesting observation is, when he's been busy doing his own thing or not as attentive, I will become more attentive. It's the 'push pull' syndrome. I feel bad that I'm less affectionate or attentive. I find myself feeling smothered when he's "too attentive or loving." When I was younger or sometimes when I was recently single, I'd feel anxious about not being in a relationship. I can relate to both sides of this dynamic or attachment style.
Are you me? I have the exact same issue. I crave solitude for a little while. My husband cannot handle that. I pray for the nights he’s busy with his work 😂 gives me a break
Same here. I need my time on my own plus with my girls. He doesn’t express it but I believe that my fiancé also likes his me time. Although we see each other 2-3 time per week and chat nightly, I purposely leave him alone for good stretches to do his own thing (loves motorcycles and has a group of Christian guys he hangs with to ride and talk bikes). It just seems to work for us.
Check out attachment theory.
I’m exactly like this. I love my boyfriend so much but I crave alone time. He finds it very difficult, and then I feel guilty.
I’m the same way. Love my alone time. Currently not in a relationship because I’m afraid of having to deal with a needy clingy guy.
This guy seemed like such a sweet guy. Hopefully things work out for him.
Having needs is a turn off for women. Reframe your needs as desires. I WANT this. Not I NEED this. Desires are hot, Needs are not. When I stopped thinking of my desires as needs it immediately improved my intimate relationship with my wife.
🔥 🔥
If it’s been five years and she’s saying he’s too emotional for her, stick a fork in it and move on.
Exactly it’s so obvious
Cole, I'm so sorry about what you experienced as a child growing up and what's going on now with your gf. I've come to find, as an abuse survivor, I really needed to be with someone who has also been through similar trauma so there is a level of empathy between us that we can't really get from someone who hasn't experienced these things.
Not to say this will be the fix you need, but it sure does help. My husband and I have both been through trauma and the amount of grace we have for each other is beautiful. We don't attempt to "fix" each other, we are both on our own individual healing journeys but we support and encourage each other~ and coming from families that didn't have these as a part of relationships, this has been so healing! ❤
Dr., I like how you started with, SHE might be the problem, so stop trying to fix her & find someone more compatible, & it made HIM realize that he is probably at least 1/2 of the problem because of his childhood (he was stunned into silence with the realization), & he may have picked a woman that is at where he left off with his dysfunctional family (because that’s his “normal”). You kept his defenses down so he could see the bigger picture. Well done!
21:00 Bookmarking my personal epiphany. I never connected my father’s explosive temper with my avoidant behaviors. I just realized my body learned it was safest to be out of sight, out of mind. And that I’m afraid to show up for people because I’m afraid of that responsibility in relationships.
First time here. I am so grateful you came across my feed. Your advice is very solid. I love and appreciate how you lead people back to themselves and prove it’s never the person or the thing, it’s a mirror of something we are not aware of clearly. Thank you! Good stuff!!
I used to have a boyfriend that would call me incesaantly while I was at WORK. He would also worry about who I might be talking to or getting close to, so he would often bring flowers to my WORK and request to see me and have me come out to talk to him.
He was doing this often enough that it was threatening my job/income for me and my child. NOT ACCEPTABLE. I basically broke up with him over it. It kind of reminded me of Ross harrassing Rachel at work on the Friends tv show. The problem that caused them to take the infamous "break."
He was my definition of "too needy." Fine with me that he wanted love and reassurance regularly or even that he wanted to be a top priority to me. What was NOT ok was that he cared more about getting his emotional "fix" NOW than about my well being/job staying intact. If we had just had a fight, left it unresolved, and he wanted me to demonstrate that he was more important than a client ONCE or TWICE.. fine. But this was just his regular way of behaving. It was kind of sad to have to break up with someone who just wants to be around you all the time...but there was no respect for basic limits. It began to feel insulting that he manipulated and expected to be catered to all.the.time.
Hon-He was CONTROLLING YOU by pretending he needed you desperately.
Good thing you broke up, Next steps CONTROLLERS do are to alienate you from everyone you know-family and friends,..
@@beastshawnee Hadn't thought of it that way, but it does seem you are right. I'm glad we broke up too...
Sounds a bit narcissistic. They don't know boundaries. Work is work. The odd call is ok but that isn't acceptable.
I call my husband at times cause I'm just annoying and call for stupid things lol
I want to say thank you for commenting this. You verbalized some feelings I’ve had and it helped me understand myself. I’ve got a similar problem and my job is being threatened over it. She has no boundaries and I feel like a prisoner or hostage. Thank you for helping me
@@Ryan-wj7yq I have noticed that SOME people feel total emotional relief if you tell them:
* "You are my top priority. If you were in a car crash or REALLY needed something emotionally or otherwise, I would TOTALLY drop everything and take a day off or shorten my work schedule... wharever is necessary, and I will back that up with actions. AND... Please do NOT try to take advantage of that offer just to use me for every whim or I would lose my income over small issues and I need to be strong and self-sustaining to be of any long term benefit to you. So I will sometimes have to ask you to back off if you seem to be going to far and if you won't respect those boundaries...you'd have to be dumped at some point for your selfishness in not learning to regulate your own basic emotions/needs at LEAST until AFTER work."
I had a partner say that to me up front in a relationship once and it soothed my soul so much, it calmed down my own neediness. I tested the situation a few times to see what would happen and he would definitely drop anything work related for me if I asked...so it let me know how much he cared and I backed off when he had to ask me to once. From then on, I rarely ever bothered him at work because I felt I knew where I stood and where he stood. Sometimes if our boundaries aren't clear...people never stop testing us AND never relax because you haven't offered them safety IN the relationship.
And SOME people won't be relieved by that because they need more than relationship safety...they need YOU to fix and fill them completely...and no one can do that for someone else for long or it becomes a vampire/parasite situation like in my first story.
You have given me so much peace in my relationship security. And that's saying something, my husband and i have been together for 17 years and he was my first kiss. Thank you for filling in those gaps.
People are needy when they are insecure. Insecurity is a thing for a therapist to treat not your spouse.
This is for me.. my boyfriend is not affectionate at all and I feel like I’m asking to much but can’t be, it’s normal to want connection
Codependency is a real thing. He needs to find the underlying personal issue at hand whether it's a self-worth from childhood trauma or neglect. Sounds like he's known chaos all his life and he's found coping/defense mechanisms that he's using now.
OK so if someone calls me and I don’t answer because I couldn’t answer it doesn’t mean you call me right back. If you keep calling me when I don’t answer, I don’t answer cause I can’t.
And the phone keeps ringing. It may be there, but I can’t answer it now it’s just getting annoying.
I don’t care if it’s my other or whoever it is leave me a message and I’ll call you back
Exactly! I once dated a guy for a couple of months and he called me 30 times in one day. Even though I had let him know that I had plans with my family until a certain time and that I would call him afterwards. When I did call him back and asked what the emergency was, he said he just wanted to know what I was doing. I told him I couldn't see him anymore...huge red flag.
This guy and his girl, just are not suited. To HER, his perfectly reasonable need for reassurance and affirmation is too much...to 'needy'.
However, there is a wonderful woman out there who will fit him like a glove and vice versa for her.
Nothing wrong with this young man, they are just not suited for one another.
Good luck, you WILL find her !
I love the idea of being open for your kids to come to you about anything. It’s invaluable. I only wish my parents were like this when I was growing up, I always felt like I had to take on the world alone. But it was a different generation and a different time. Glad things are changing.
2nd caller also needs to not over pack the day with grand things. Bitsize small wins. 1 small win leads to 2 wins and 3. Then you realize that half the big task is done, just from doing those small things. " I'm not going to landscape a new garden bed this weekend. Instead I'm going to draw out the boarder and prep the area". The feeling of accomplishment and achievement are important parts of motivation. Especially if you have any type of executive function disorders.
❤
Sounds like an anxious attachment tbh.
Yep, a she's probably a DA. It's a dance.
This episode has been incredibly helpful for me! I’ve had C-PTSD for years & recently found out I likely have OCD. Your advice is fantastic Dr Delony! I’m binge listening you
When are we getting more in depth on the advice you gave the last caller about the male/feminine response? The not wanting to make decisions on the man’s part. Need this so much!
Re. the 3rd caller, I would have found it helpful to know the ages of this couple. It may be this person is with an older guy that is incompatible.
His children are grown and hers are not. He is sedentary and is inactive. He's had bypasses. She is active and eats healthy.
She is proactive in the relationship. He stepped back long ago.
Even though she feels it's a failure to leave. Sadly, it just appears to be a mismatch.
Relationships come and go. She needs to be kind to herself.
I was with my now ex/am possibly still this first caller. I saw differences in our personalities that were able to be worked through, but with my overwhelming behavior I closed off any opportunity for us to have a happy and healthy relationship. Months of counseling in and I’m grieving, feeling shame, and rebuilding relationships with friends when all I want is her or another person to show me that level of affection. It is such a slow process but we have been moving so fast in our mind and feeling free. The real freedom comes from seeing long-term change.
Shout out to Kimberly from Yorktown VA. My neck of the woods. After my divorce, I ran into a few guys that were the complete opposite of me . I'm very active, and they weren't . I spend a 30-year marriage with a non active guy. No more.
Just wanna say I was born in 1992 and I leave voicemails and hate when other people don't. If you don't leave a voicemail I guess it wasn't important enough to warrant me calling you back, so I won't 🤷♀️
Same 😂😂😂 no vm np
Being a ‘67 baby….if you weren’t home for a call ☎️ you just spoke to them later 👍🏻
There wasn’t anything taken “personally” about no answer - At least not to the extent it has taken on in this time period.
Yep, that's what I always say.
@@Lucyfur2022 I'd say that's likely because today so many people always have their phone in hand at all most all times, so if you call them and they don't answer it's usually because they're ignoring you. Even more so when you call or text yet no response, but you go on social media and see they literally just posted a minute after you reached out. They're ignoring you. Technology just created all kinds of ways to make people increasingly insecure haha
I agree with John. It sucks that this gentleman is going through this. Yet it's awesome he is seeing where the issue is.
One of the issues with the military is at rest is not implemented into the culture. And if soldiers do rest, they're considered lazy. When really people are just trying to cope and recover.
So true!!
Single tasking, taking time off, block scheduling and leaving margin are all things that are healthy, but seen as weak, unprepared, unable to handle multiple things at once (even in office settings) in the military. Its a culture where EVERYTHING is and emergency, and everything is priority NOW.
Not understanding that if everything is a priority, nothing is a priority.
I think this man could benefit from ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). Unfortunately, many counselors aren’t well versed in issues around alcoholism.
Yep
Damn. Honestly, listening to these shows me how much I have grown from my trauma and makes me see how much I am with the right person.
We both had trauma from past relationships and family. We held on together through our issues and helped each other. It has NOT been easy cause it's not supposed to be.
Some of these people just need to find the right person. 😞
Happy Birthday Andy! I hope you had a gala celebration! I love where you are going this makeover!
49:28 Some of the early lessons I learned from my mom... Was to take pride in every little thing you do. Every job around the house, anything you touch.
She also told me we're not meant to be happy all the time... I and my cousins can remember her singing, "row row row your boat, gently down the stream! merrily merrily merrily merrily.. life is NOT a dream".
I know that sounds morbid.. But it was very good to hear very young. Just matter of fact. Not scary.
My mom's favourite saying is 'don't poke the bear'...My narcissistic sister who abused everyone. :(
A lot of times we learned those things in childhood, I found it was lack of self esteem, one needs someone to reassure us. Research about it. Pray for Gods help 😇
My dad was a "whatever you want" man, or "I don't really care for that but whatever you like". I He was not there for me. It took me years to learn that, including several "not there for me" relationships.
The one thing with this show.... the comments are always so wyld! 😂😂
Why is that? It's such a great show but some of the comments are crazy!
Learn to love yourself. You should be whole by yourself before looking for a relationship. Otherwise you become co-dependent on someone else. One person becomes the giver and another the taker. It will start to wear down the giver.
It's not always realistic to love one's self
@@elfascisto6549it is ESSENTIAL to love yourself as an equal in any relationship.
@@elfascisto6549 Not sure who told you you can't love yourself. You have to accept and love all parts of yourself in order to love others. The good, the bad and the ugly. Not to say you need to ignore bad things but just recognize you are a human who made mistakes and learn from them. Don't look for outside sources in order to feel loved. It starts with you.
@@amber5114 don't think you can't really force yourself to love something you don't. I certainly can't
@@elfascisto6549 No one can help you if you refuse to love yourself. If you chose not to, that's up to you.
Classic case of the anxious - avoidant trap. He needs to work on healing his attachment style from anxious to earned secure. So yeah, he actually does need to change himself. So does his gf. I'm pretty surprised this advice didn't come up during the call.
My thoughts exactly
"We marry our unfinished business". Wow.
My ex would call and text back to back to back and then accuse me of cheating while grocery shopping for our family 8. That's a controlling behavior and eventually became more abusive. He wanted my attention at all times and I had 6 to 4 children at home to also take care of. He is an addict and his relapses were very traumatic. He did grow up in disfunction and had cancer at 14 but no matter my empathy for him, I had to save myself and my children from his chaos cycle
He sounds needy. He needs to realize what he is doing, needs to understand why he does it. Then catch himself and say no. He needs coping skills.
If he really is just dating this woman, he needs to understand why he is depending on this woman so much for his emotional self worth. He should realize that she is not committed this long term relationship as he is and move on from her. All he would have to do is go focus on himself at the gym or his job etc and she would come running back to him. Take his self respect back.
Struggle relationships are not ok. When you allow fear to make your decisions, you end up miserable . You cant change your partner either accept them as they're or move on. Life is too short
My husband was too needy and he was not putting his needs in front of the Lord and was putting it all on me. It was a huge turnoff in so many ways. He finally gave it all to God and things got so much better. He still does it sometimes and I have to gently remind him.
So, when he needs support or a shoulder to cry on, you say, go cry to Jesus? Sounds like your husband needs support he isn't getting. Things have only gotten better because he has resigned to the fact when he needs something, he can't turn to you.
Sometimes we have to ask is he being too needy, or am I being too selfish. Not saying you are or coming at you; just good for thought.
What I don’t understand is why on earth the American concept is to cut ties from parents/family when getting married? The rest of the world keep close ties with one another even though they marry or what have you? Wake up people you only have one family in this world!!
If I don’t get my goals done when I scheduled them out I tell myself, you’re lazy Marsha. I don’t feel accomplished if I’m not getting stuff done. I get down on myself bcz my workload builds up. What’s crazy, I look around my house & yard & I make new projects for myself & then I feel overwhelmed, but darn it that’s who I’m. I’m running my own business, take care of my house & lawn, including jacking up my floor joists lol. I try to do everything myself. I need prayer! 🙏
In my experience men try to get aaaalllllll their "needs" from their wife or so. Men need deep connections with other men. Some men use their wives or so's as their external emotional regulators.
Giving up on the unhealthy relationship is actually a GREAT lesson. Youngsters who stay in unhealthy relationships "because I LOVE them!" can get them into TERRIBLE trouble.
Regarding the last call, I think John should have asked the lady to have a conversation with her new partner or husband (cant remember again) and told him exactly how she feels and make him understand that his lack of action is pushing her away, at least she should make that attempt in my opinion and when that fails, she can move on but no, he quickly agrees with her decision and makes her believe its ok to call it quits without giving an extra push, at least for the kids sake. He just literally told her its ok to end a relationship once its hard or not going as you expect and im sorry, i dont agree with that.
The first caller is how my husband is, the second caller is me, except postal. 😂😅 its not fulfilling work, so I'm sure that another reason he feels the way he does. It's taken me a while to not let the job define me and my intelligence and drive.
Imagine dating a man for 5 whole years and no marriage. Could never be me.
I think he said they took a break.
@PinkRose0910 He said they were together for 5 years, so I'm assuming he didn't count the time they were broken up. That's a lot of time to know if you're ready to marry someone. Just saying.
I waited since I was 13 in 2002 to marry my husband as a grown woman in 2019. 5 yrs sounds so new and fresh still. Maybe my perception is ruined because of my experience hahaha
@brodello9249 You were 13. You had no other option than to wait. Marriage is legal at the age of 18. I'm not waiting 5 years to get married. A man does not need to wait that long to know if he wants to marry you. Many men would waste your time and your youth and take away your baby making years just for you both to break up, and he moves on to marry another woman he met after one year. No thanks. My time is precious and shall not be wasted on someone who does not know what he wants.
19:23 The rant about how parents lay responsibility onto kids!!! Oh my gawd! My whole childhood Dad would explode-go nuts beat us kids and then Mom would be the clean-up crew flipping the blame into us. “You KNOW your dad has a terrible temper-he can’t help it. “ (Said like “a terrible disease. He can’t help it-“ With sympathy for him HIM!) “You shouldn’t have pushed his buttons by acting up” (meaning acting appropriately for our actual age) “You’ve got to be quiet and nice not rowdy like brats! Now clean up this mess! No one wants to look at a mess. And don’t talk about his hairline. He knows he’s bald -You can’t say he is tho!”
But…he asked ,” Does my bald spot look bigger?’ He was laughing but I have to answer him or he gets mad.”
“Just say ‘I don’t know-probably not.”
“BUT it does!.”😮
your mom was coming from a place of love to keep the peace 🫶🏻
He's not asking for tips and tricks to change who he is, he's asking how to deal with his anxiety. He literally said he gets bad anxiety. that's not normal. that's not who he is.
the purpose of dating is to see if you work as a couple this is your sign to see that not everyone is for you esp if you cant be you with them.
He’s lost his self respect by acting like this, and now feels more anxious than ever - it’s a vicious cycle. He should be with someone who matches his energy more.
In this time and place of my life I am sensing that I am a "dose"
When you said, John, that your family came into town and you all had your dose of each other... And then they left.
Am I wishing for to much to wish that my grown kids need and want my company because they love me and miss me?
I have never been a meddling, nosey mother/ mother in law.
I find myself thinking about things like " Has enough time passed that I can call my kids without them feeling like I'm to needy or a bother?
I often times feel like at least two of my four children feel "obligated" to call me or invite me for holidays.
Seriously John... I'm a very lovely, loving woman?
I don't understand why they are acting this way or am I expecting to much to desire to be loved and have my children really want me around?
It seems like the more space I give them... The more they forget about me 😔
I don't want to be a "dose"!!!
The second caller, UPS driver, needs rest. That was a good call. When i was one i hade enough time to take the kids to school on my way to work, eat and sleep. Thats it during the week. Its tough.
Do you know how many women would LOVE to have attention.. wow… don’t change
A co-dependant can't live with an avoidant without some clash happening. Without serious work on both ends, this will never work.
Cole you are awesome! Don't assume the issue is you. Finding someone who is able to make you feel loved is so important. I have had those relationships when you have to chase the other person and it ends badly. Also your current relationship sounds unstable. A therapist could help you figure out what type of person is a good fit if you are interested and continue to heal from your traumatic childhood.
Hey from FINLAND 😊
When I was 6, I learned that it was my responsibility to keep my parents alive.
I absolutely hate when guys "say whatever you want" 😂. I had to set some ground rules in my relationship so that that didn't run out of control.
When asked a question you have to at least give suggestions. It goes both ways and sometimes each of us will opt out but as long as it's not every single time it works for me and he doesn't mind playing along 😂
First call: he’s with the wrong person and he needs therapy. Third call: she needs to let him go. That guy has checked out and is done with life already. She’s literally his hospice nurse as Dr. D said.
What a weird take, that someone else trying "to fix" someone else's need for space within a relationship or not be called back to back to back is being told they have to change who they are. That's an anxious attachment style, and therapy could benefit the first caller.
Great advice, a self evaluation. Get a referral to a good Psychiatrist and Therapist. You can get the right medication and therapy to process the stuff from your childhood? Blessings. Certainly, self improvement for a better life and being a better partner is a worthy pursuit.
After a lot of thought, I've concluded that John's the man, now my hope is for him to eventually accept it.
24:29 sometimes you just need a break my guy! Ive totally done that. Its not the end of the world. I know its a "habit" but maybe that habit is because you dont actually take a break when people are around, ever. So maybe if you plan brakes when you are with people and generally have that "supervision", Maybe by the time you have time by yourself you will have the energy to do the extra x y and z! Men and women both need me time!! NO ONE is productive 24/7. Schedule rest just like work! Your body is telling you something.
And when everything is data, That means nothing is inherently good nor bad. It Just is.
me encanta el Dr. Delony..
Took Organify for a while back in 2017.. the ashwaghanda in green powder was too much made me edgy amd drowsy at times
My bestie had a husband who would call her and text her incessantly if she didn't respond immediately.
They are getting divorced because he was following her around the apartment when he was upset about something, then proceeded to flip her over the couch by her hair, and pulled out a quarter sized chunk by the roots.
This guy needs therapy before he takes out his insecurities on her.
Every time he has that Halow commercial, and he is speaking about LENT, I think he is saying 'LINT.'
To me-those are said exactly the same. But a crown is not a 🖍️ crayon,
I’m curious if Dr. John is an INFJ….
Having to mother your boyfriend that way is exhausting! I’m a bit overweight, and what is driving my weight loss and healthy lifestyle is the desire to have children, be active in older age etc… and avoid diseases! My ex wouldn’t eat vegetable or drink water… he would always say “I will eat well when you cook for me and we live together and get married” it was so unattractive and worrying. He wouldn’t shower or brush his teeth either! I saw a flash of our future and realised that I wanted to have to nag my children to eat their veges and shower, NOT my spouse. I believe in role modelling for kids, and all I asked for was effort. I didn’t need him to go get washboard abs or hit a target weight. I wanted to see steady effort in the direction of health, and he didn’t. It put strain on the relationship. In the end, it’s so important to be compatible in values.
He should have married her 3 years ago...
No such thing as too ,much affection in a relationship. If they actually cared about you, they would want the same.
She is not the right woman for him. It is ok to have wants and expect them and if he isn't getting what he wants and needs it is time to find a woman who will give him what he needs.
1. I think it’s over. I need to hear from the woman. Calling back to back because she doesn’t answer a text soon enough? She may already be out the door. 2. Stop following people like that Peterson guy, give yourself a break! It’s okay to take a break. 3. Break up with him NoW. How did they even get together when they are such opposites. Good chance he will say he will change blah blah blah. He won’t, at least not for the long term. You aren’t compatible. She’s been way way too patient and kind. She will be his nurse while he ages extra fast and is very sick. This is the great thing about dating, you can break up. THEY are NOT married, BF/GF =/= husband/wife. And she can’t stay with this man (and be his nurse) for her kids! So have a civil breakup and be kind, it’s possible. He will meet somebody more like him perhaps or someone who will be willing to be a nurse. Wishing her well!
Being needy is not sexy indeed because if it is the man "wanting his needs met" the wife becomes his mother. That maternal instinct kicks in when wants become needs. That is not a healthy relationship and becomes like coca cola. First it is good, then light and finally zero. 🙄😂🤣😂🤭
What the difference between being “needy” and codependent?
Needy people need a codependent. Needy needs & takes, & no amount of taking fulfills their needs. Codependents give & give to their detriment, & usually end up being used & abused. Women who give away their life savings to online scammers are the worst of codependents.
Aha dr john hunts in my home state of new mexico? 😎 ❤
How come people never see what’s wrong with the other person until after marriage? Never made sense to me. Are people this blind, or do they not leave just to keep an easy sex partner around?
Because you literally change throughout life. Sometimes people change and develop bad habits or qualities after marriage in response to life or whatever. And generally, problematic marriages have minimal to zero sex
I need to find a therapist like you.
You can fly a plane at 16. You can’t have any passengers but you can fly solo
I’m sorry but I disagree with Dr. John on the second one. This poor guy just needs love but it sounds like his girlfriend is cold hearted.😢. For a guy to want affection and love is a treasure ..your “other half”SHOULD be the one to reciprocate that love and affection!
Damn, me and Joe might actually just be the same person lol
My boyfriend gives me hugs and I tell him that I want more I tell him that I want kisses and lucky for me he doesn't think I'm needy