Rex Torres . No denying that. However, it’ll be more damaging to you. My only regret, I should have done it sooner . And it was a family member. A mother. Get as educated on it as you can. Take care of yourself my friend.
No it's not you.... when your heart can be breaking and you're crying in front of them and they stare at you like a booger that they would like to flick off out of their existence it's very apparent that they like hurting you and making you miserable it gives them power only when it no longer makes you give a sh.... That bothers some of them but even that doesn't bother mine.
When I’m happy he takes the credit “ I love it when I make u happy , I do everything for u “ but then in a matter of minutes is telling me how I don’t love him or care all cause I offered to go the store without him or something like that .. when he says those things about doing everything me and taking care of his family I know it’s coming I know it’s a set up
My ex loved to see me in dispare. I realized he had a smirk in his face when I was crying for him totally disrespecting me...he loves to make me miserable when I'm happy. Swoops n starts hovering..
They hate the word "no" a whole lot more than they hate "whatever" in my opinion. When you respond with a no and they know that you really mean no, they'll rage out on you because their bullying tactics didn't get them what they wanted. 😊
I feel like no gives them something to rage about, but saying whatever gives them nothing to rage about AND they are not right. It is you are not playing the game by their rules
Keep running Vickie! It took me 6 years and multiple attempts to get out--but I've really done it this time. Have accepted that it will never work & it's been 8 months and I can't tell you how much lighter I feel; I can think clearly again; and I'm ME again!! Best of luck to you and to all of us!
Narcissism is learned as a child from a parent who is narcissistic themselves....now we call them entitled. It is a personality disorder and until they decide they want to be different there is nothing you can do but find a balance where you get what you need once in a while or begin to get them used to hearing No with a logical reason why that NO is never going to change. -- When i discovered "whatever" worked to shut down an arguement it became ny favorite word, and my emotional/mental shield.
Q: What should you do with a narcissist? A: Walk away. Don't say 'sorry'. Don't say anything. . Just walk away. . Get on with your life. You'll be better off.
Celebrate when they've moved on to someone else, because they will experience all the crap you went through but you don't have to deal with it any longer!
Yes only today I got the answer thank you thank I always said why can he not think that or should say that but I give up like u said it will be the same mind for ever I need stay way I gess I can grow fine learn from my mistakes I am the normal he isn't thank you for short but very strong answer I have been looking for
I have seen some pretty kind, 'mature' and 'wise' four years olds that would give you their favourite Teddy Bear and a hug if they saw you upset. Narcissists only care about themselves and what they want! No care for anyone else unless they are getting something out of it.
Emotional immaturity. Though their physical body grows into that of an adult, their brains do not. It's at this level of emotional immaturity that the narc gets stuck and, from my experience, he or she, can not get passed it. It's a little like putting an 8 yo inside the body of a 40 yo. It just never seems right.
It's far more than that. Argumentative, pain in the ass, etc can describe almost anyone at one time or another. A narc on the other hand is cruel calculating, vindictive, threatening, he's a lifelong conman, a thief, a liar and he is all these things on a level unimaginable unless you're a pawn in his game.
I actually think that "whatever" is a dangerous comment to use on a narcissist it is also a favorite word that narcissists use. It is extremely passive aggressive which is why it is the verbal fighting tool of so many teenagers trying to get under their parents skin. This word will provoke many narcissists. I think a safer word is "OK." You can't win against a narcissist EVER- all you can do is create some space to either move on or move out. I also think that habitually using passive aggressive narcissistic statements yourself, actually starts to change and damage your own psyche.
The narc I had dealt with that opened my eyes to narcissism, "whatever" would have been used as permission or the A-ok by his hyper enabling mother. Sometimes No is the right answer.
I respectfully disagree, the response of “ok” seems much more sarcastic or surrendering. I see “whatever” more as an indifferent reaction. Not surrendering your position to theirs but also not asserting your own. I think clearly no engagement at all is the BEST option but that’s not always possible. I hope I explained this well?
you can win against a Narc. You sound scared and timid. They are extremely weak minded people. They have a mask they fake makes the strong. when they are exposed their weakness shine so bright.
BC 12 Oh God yes and mine was a 74 year old Elvis impersonator, after a year and a half I am finally done! Loved attention and total control, all about him. He knew it all, I knew nothing!
Absolutely! My therapist gave me an example of how to disengage with a narcissist. It's like a game of tug of war initiated by the narcissist. They set the boundary and throws you the other end of the rope. If you pick up the other end of the rope you have engaged in their desired war. So, don't pick up the other end of the rope, leave it on the ground. Look at them straight in the eye, don't say a word then turn around and walk away.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Dr. C, you know this is where I'm at right now. You have responded to me with helpful tools. The more I grey rock the worse it becomes. I'm just going to keep moving!!!
@@PastelBrushes-n-Donuts Lord knows, this is where I'm at with my mom. I'm trying!!!! This lady right here, I believe she trains narcissistic people. She is wizard of them all.
Yes, we have to realize we don’t have to hang around when the narc starts throwing insults or innuendos. We can, and should, just choose to leave their presence.
I lived with a narcissist for 25 years. She eventually filed for a divorce from me because i started saying NO. I was blamed for everything. She controlled who i could see, what i did, even put me down for going to church. I never knew what was going on until now. I have no friends, i have no family contact, i have no self esteem and i am damaged emotionally. I have been away from her for only 3 months and i am slowly getting back on track. I was tricked into believing i was the problem. I did not even know what a narcissist was. The only reason i looked this up was because she kept calling me a narcissist. All i can say is WOW. What a fool i was.
david crouch they are way more common than you think. I felt guilty for resenting and disliking my mother since my early childhood. We have never ever gotten along due to some 13 years of severe trauma that she knew was happening to me from the age of 4 to the age of 17 when i moved out and moved in with some friends. Anyway she knew exactly what was going on, but she made a choice NOT to protect me, her own child from day one. He was a raging alcoholic and when they would fight, she would desperately beg him not to leave....i remember seeing her outside early one morning, still in her nightgown and him sitting in the car as he yelled and she wept in the driveway. She basically prostituted me out to him so he would stay with her. And now to this day she cannot look me in the eye. And oh get this...they finally divorced but it had nothing to do with me telling her multiple times over the years what he was doing to me....oh no..not that at all.....she filed for divorce in 1997 because she caught him cheating on her with another ADULT woman. Talk about a slap in the face. She is in such deep denial i would like to assume it’s only because she has to be in order to be able to go on living with herself because if i were her I would have “called it a day” YEARS AGO. If You know what I mean....also its like if I am with her in any given situation she just has this uncanny way of embarrassing the shit out of me because i end up embarrassed for her. IDK , The only reason I am even living under the same roof at the moment is because i offered to come and take care of my elderly grandmother who is almost 100yrs old (that’s who’s house she is staying in) on the days of the week that she worked. I call her “NANA”. Nana became my mother, emotionally after my mom emotionally checked out when she met and married my former step father.
I remember when I finally started realizing what he was doing, it's not only a shock but makes you feel stupid for not figuring it out before. All I can say is they have a way of making it never their fault, they can never be wrong
He called me crazy and have mental health issues because his hoovering wasn't working so I replied "Bye Felicia" and blocked him. I can see him now googling what this means 😁
My mother always threatens suicide but never follows through. She is a frustrated soul . She has a tendency to lead others to suicide with her narcissistic toxic ways.
@@starlite7785 She's not your problem. Her damage to your life is your problem. Let her jump, let her win the lottery, let her get hit with a bucket of water and melt, it's not your problem. You take care of you.
"I have my own life to live." " I am not gonna do it at the expense of my self - respect" "I have better things to do with my life." Thank you for validating my feelings. The first two sentences were the exact words I said few months ago to my narcist Dad.
A combination of "no" and "okay" works wonders. You can say "okay" to everything that's an opinion or idea, and you can say "no" to demands. It's a total shutdown if done right.
I have a business relationship with an NPD so I can't go no contact (yet) with them. However, Drs Carter & Ramoni (spelling?) have given me great advice on numerous occasions. Also, I've received good advice, (such as yours) sometimes in the comments sections of both channels. I have noticed it's as you say, a declaration of war, to say: "No" to the narcissist; however, it's how I state my disagreement with them that accomplishes the desired result.
Also saying nothing works well too. A head nood or even sometimes a noise letting the narc know you heard them works, the less you say the better the out come.
My narcissist next door divorced his wife because "she got cancer and went crazy".She just couldnt pay as much attention to him now that she has a life threatening medical condition.(His interpretation of crazy).Shes in remission now and told me last time on the phone she told him she just didnt have time left for his BS! Good for her!Good luck to you Sherry!
I recently broke away from a Narcissist... I am finally free. Another word that they hate is "opinion". They don't have opinions, they own the truth. Not in my books.
Laurie Paris of course not but the difference is A non-narcissist or a person who is not trying to hide anything is not going to get so irate they become violent or even verbally or emotionally abusive. Annoyed and hurt? Even vent about it? Yes As an example of what I’m talking about, I was living with my narcissistic grandmother in law due to financial reasons. When I had my daughter she would go in the bedroom when I’m at work , She would clean everything, It was an excuse to go through my documents because my private mail was organized in categories that they had to be read to know what’s it’s about. (Mainly it was court dates and hospital dates of trauma that I’ve been through, I assume was to get information on me to try to manipulate me more, or if something happens I will look “crazy”) When she was doing that she also washed one of my daughters toys That had batteries in it and broke it. Even though I felt like my own privacy was being invaded, I was in her home so therefore I didn’t say anything but I did mention the toy. It was a glowworm. it was a toy that my daughter would listen to to fall asleep as a baby. For some reason she refused to sleep without it. I asked her hey did you wash that toy it’s broken? (Think asking would be better than straight up accusing even she did) Soon as I ask that she immediately got mad at me and told me that she was looking for a different toy. I told her remember we talked about this. you know that toy(some ball with bells in it) was over at my grandmothers house . because a week before this happened we had a conversation about it because it’s something that they bought for her and wanted to know where it was at. Which is fine I explained how every time my grandmother would watch her she keeps everything I send over there. She asked me well technically she yelled it but she asked “are you calling me a liar?” I said well you’re not telling the truth. She got so irate she starts screaming saying when I leave to go to work today do not ever come back. She kicked me out, she kicked out my then five-month-old, and obviously my husband. All because I said you’re not telling the truth. Over a toy. Then proceeded to tell everyone that we decided to move out even though we had nowhere to go. Knowing my own grandmother situation and knowing I have no one else. That is what I mean by they don’t like being called a liar. Anytime you disagree with her it was you’re too stupid to understand simple blah blah blah. That is not a normal reaction even if you’re wrongfully accused of lying. As I was when I came out with the truth and You’re right I didn’t like it and it did hurt. It was hard to let people say what they said But the main thing is how narcissists reacts to being called a liar and that’s what’s important.
I started saying "whatever" recently in response to his nonsense. He actually said he hates that word and tried to tell me I shouldnt use it. I told him he's not the word police and he doesnt get to dictate how I speak. He did NOT like that!
Yes, when they are in rage, just leave dont engange even the word 'whatever' or 'really?' or 'maybe' or 'no' or anything else. They will fight back. Narcissist often always want to have the last word. They always want to win. But sometimes, when they are being narcissistic in a calm way, you can say that.
"Whatever" is a good thing to say. The narc I have to deal with only wants the fight. They WANT the argument. Took me a long time to figure it out. They want the turmoil and the argument, I won't give them what they want.
I recently realized this too...Took me years because I couldn't imagine anyone wanting this, but they do. I think it's because it's a distraction from the unease in themselves, any kind of distraction is better than dealing with what's going on in them.
In my experience, the narcissist herself uses whatever herself, basically to devalue anything you are saying or trying to explain. The #1 word in my experience that they cannot stand is No.
Yes, this! The moment you tell them "no", they are done. It is entirely unacceptable. But I've found that being definitive makes them overtly mean and vindictive. "Whatever" is a more open ended, has no real response or meaning and leaves them hanging, uncertain. Both are frustrating to them, for sure.
There is something they do not like as well - tell them you are happy about your life Then they hey will try to put you in any abnormality but shortly conversation will end up. That is something they feel they cannot compete with - they are never simply happy, only kicking someone they have short time
My narcisist was in my life since 1987. I couldn't get rid of him. Moved to FL in 2000 & he kept calling. I would flip the bird when I saw Don on my caller ID. He noticed I never called back. Was too stupid to take the hint. The best thing was to forcefully kick him to the curb.
I agree Clarence, I had a narcisstic ex and he would cry and argue for hours. He didn't like it when I wouldn't react and had a blank expression on my face!
I wish I could. The one I'm dealing with would throw it back at me, mocking me and being ruder and more sarcastic. And I can't shut them out of my life because they're closely related and it would only stir up a huge hornets nest.
I've learned to play my own passive aggressive games. They're pressing your buttons (no, you press theirs). Watch them spin out of control. If you're stuck there.
How, true, how true. When I stopped listening to my narcissistic husband, and feeding his ego, he left me. I did not see that coming!!! I filed for divorce, and I've been happy ever since.
I went no contact cold turkey with my narcissistic mother. The messages she sent me in the aftermath were scary from a pathological viewpoint. She herself almost went mad from me not answering her at all and is not doing well now. She has burnt all bridges and only has a dysfunctional relationship with her narcissistic daughter (whom I also cut out of my life). I have never looked back and am much more happy. Thank you for sharing this, dr.
Exsctly like my adult daughter..nasty messages I've saved she twists everything back onto me. Mother is the same and brother..thankfully my sister is close to me...
In 54 years I never heard my mother say she was sorry for anything She did. Ever. Not even one with a "but" behind it. Nor did I ever hear her admit she did anything wrong.
LordDeliverUs the narcissistic man i lived with, would say "sorry." But it was a lie to keep me from bailing out on him. He never meant it. Every word that came out if his mouth was a lie. Sorry was just another lie in his bag of tricks.
With my mother, it was the word NO. I've got a good story about her flying into a rage. I thought she was going to kill me. This is a long story, however, so I'll have to write it down some other time. It was definitely one of my finer moments in life, standing up to her. 😊😊😊
The problem is, "No" engages you with the narcissist and their games. "I am saying NO to what YOU are saying"... Whereas the best approach with a narcissist is to DISengage from them..."I am not responding in any way to what you are saying."
You're absolutely right I love it and I would really tell the person you have all the characteristics of a narcissist that would really throw the person for a loop LOL
Every time I talk about anyone being a narcissist in front of my narcissist husband I can see him wiggle and squirm and roll his eyes. These people are totally aware of the havoc and chaos they cause it is a choice to act like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum. They do it on purpose to show you who is in charge even though they aren't in charge of anything they do
LMFAO👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂 I’m going to have to try that, ............. IF I EVER SPEAK TO ANY OF MY NARCISSISTS AGAIN🧠💩👺 Everyone have a great Christmas 🍾🥂 Stay away from the ”Narcsies” & odds are you’ll have a good one🥳
When a narcissist picks at you, Always ask them "what's wrong with that?" Whatever they say, you respond, "I'm perfectly ok with the way I am. " "I'm not concerned with what people think about me. " "I very much enjoy who I am. " "I'm not going to worry about what people think about those things you mentioned. " For you females out there dealing with a abusive male narcissist, if you have to, go to a homeless shelter to get away from him. Grow from the ashes, just get the hell out of there.
Ran to my sister. I had a good friend who saw it way before I did, and she always told me, "I'm here if you need me." I went to her first. He had managed to get me to cut off from my family completely.
I own my house and have dogs. It not easy to just leave.. I want him gone !!! I wish I could leave my home and him but this is my house and he needs to go but he won’t leave!! No matter what I say I don’t know what his plans are or if he’s looking or it will be on his time but I can not deal with my peace in my house being disruptive even my dogs act out on his behavior against me when he needs his ego filled or he says he feels insecure then it’s game on.. I don’t want or need this in my life a year and half is too long to deal with this and I’m done so with this advice it’s no and whatever even if he tells me I’m heartless and don’t care it’s whatever he just needs to get out
Cowardly lions one and all Some truly are catlike in that they play with our minds like a cat plays with it's prey until it isn't any fun after the prey is unable to struggle in terror and lies at or near expiration in fear
I know! That hurt me so much as a child, that she just didn't care. I learned early how to wash and bandage my own injuries. And then when I was a teenager, she wanted to be part of my life. Nope, too little, too late.
They simply ignore anyones plight except their own. An apology from a Narc should be memorialized as they only offer that up when whatever has no effect on you.
Exactly what I was thinking, considering leaving a comment on that very thing in our family! Like the person w/BPD who grew up with double narcs & still does not discern the difference (but is practicing on YOU while learning to assert themselves); flinging these phrases out indiscriminately. They "whatever" & "not MY problem" when there wasn't even a problem. We tried very hard not to laugh at the person or their mate (who got roped into that mindset innocently or naively). We're hoping they "grow out of it", knowing life will happen and it will bite them on the arse some day (not wishing it on them; that's just life).
I have just filed divorce after 18 years of my narcissistic sociopathic controlling husband. Took me 15 months to get there but man oh man. He now has overnight switched off and disconnected as i grey rocked him for weeks. I find it fascinating the grey rock theory. It works ! He has completely shaken me now and focusing on his next victim. High five for me guys “I’m out I did it “
N D thank you 😊 I’m all set and excited. Lots to learn though about how to pay bills and learning finances though as I’ve never done it before. Wish me luck. X
In my experience, the narcissists in my life have had a dangerous tendency to fly off the handle. I instinctively learned the gray rock technique as a child (I had no word for it, but I did it by the time I was 8, and I think it saved me a tremendous amount of misery - I love the idea of "gray rock" in the sense of not reacting, but disappearing to play or read quietly alone ("I've got homework.") at the first sign of contention/attack. If you are actually advocating that someone should say "Whatever", I would like to point out that if it's the one word they can't stand it's quite likely to provoke an angry and possibly dangerous reaction. Gray rocks do NOT say "whatever". Thinking "whatever" is a good thing because it's telling themselves that they must not give in to the provocation and must not validate in their own minds the nasty things the narcissist is saying about them. "I am a rock, I am an island" got me through childhood, though the song wasn't written until I was older. Also, I was lucky enough to know some teachers, aunts and friend's mothers, who were consistently kinder and more nurturing than my own, and they provided hope and role models. I wish there had been some way to thank those good people. No kindness is wasted on a child.
I love your insight. My younger sister is the explosive antagonistic narcissist. We are sharing caregiver responsibilities for our parents. After being falsy accussed & attacked since childhood, I can't take it anymore. Actually verbalizing" whatever" could evoke physical violence. I am finally starting to mentally " whatever" her. Texting only pertinent info regarding our parents & on the days when we switch shifts, I stay in my car, walk around the yard, whatever, hee hee to avoid any unnecessary convo. Looking forward to the day when the anxiety & nervousness ceases on " switch day"
Agreed, “whatever” is feeding supply and giving the narcissists an excuse to react. Keep it internal! My sister had a bar of soap shoved past her teeth to choke on in response to sass. Her bedroom door was bashed open, and she was attacked and beaten back onto her bed, as I ran screaming, in response to sass. Do Not Taunt your narcissist! I learned through my sister’s suffering and crushed rebellion that “whatever” does NOT help!
Absolutely true. When you show them that they're not important, they get depressed. If you confront them, they love it. If you show them they are completely irrelevant, they just go down hill. Absolutely true.
Yup. Soon as I actually DID disappear from her life, she went into a spiral that has left her a shadow of her shadow. Not ANYTHING like what she was when we first met, which BTW, was not all that great. 28 yrs later, she can't even keep cats around. Kids were taken by the State because of the squalor. In her 20s, she kept a decently clean house, and decently dressed. Many other things that drove her crazier.
@@nensi1972 True--so long as they believe they can manipulate others within their sphere of influence. But showing they are unimportant is discarding them as superfluous, and the best way to do that is relational isolation. My ex remained semi-functional after the divorce (she could at least utter deprecations about me to the kids), until the State removed the children from her care for squalor. Living alone, her mental/emotional condition is but a specter of her former self when I met her. She is a complete wreck of a human being now. Not even cats will stick around.
My husband died last night. I feel so weird. Free, happy to get to heal now, sad, grieving his presence even?! I know I will go through the grieving process, been there many times in my 60 years but never with a love hate relationship person. I'm watching Dr. Les over and over! really helping
I done it with my husband , ignore, ignore and ignore. Works so well and we live in the same house still. He is invisible to me in the home. I carry-on every day and live my life for me. No more supply from me.
The “whatever” word effect is so true I said that to a narcissist recently and they replied “oh that’s so immature” I replied “glad you feel that way” They were furious lol 😂
Saying whatever to anyone who has not had time to grow spiritually would not make them happy. Not every doctor knows their stuff just like any other professional there are some that sleep walk through their carrier so be careful who you listen to. This Doctor seems to be speaking different about a Narcissist then Dr. Ramani. I liked her description of the different traits which quite a few matched my kids mother. Doctor Carter seems to be describing a Male with a huge Ego.
@@sarahdorsey1174 it does, but I need to know what to say and do after I say Whatever. Because he laughs at me. No sex, and I love sex...about to have to do a him to him
@@JoeyLocig I'm with you. I don't think he understands the phenomenon like Dr. Ramani. Saying "whatever" to the narcissist I know would be setting yourself up for some serious retribution
I was able to leave, but God made a way for me. He has gas-lighted my kids and now my two oldest do not speak to me. I have not seen my only grand baby because of this man. We were married for almost 25 years. He can’t stand that I not only have made my own life, but thrived! I now have three degrees (He always told me “I am the smartest person you know”. I graduated Summa Cum Laude in the top 10% of my class with a dual Bachelor’s degree.) I have a decent house, and a good job. He never saw any of that coming!! Sometimes you just have to go live your best life despite them!!
I am 80 yo and divorced since over 30 years ago. and guess what ? alone since and alienated by the narc from my only child. It is obvious by now that something in our society was breeding since longtime. Perhaps Sam Vaknin is right: the NPD's are the first carbon copy of AI, a welcome to digital times and a Goodbye to depth of life...
@@PrismosPicks I'm not sure if your encouragement is directed for me however I do thank you for the time you took to put forward the content of your message. I'm french and live in France where Covid made actually more ravages psychologically than physically. I always felt that biological immunity has something to do with the deep down felt sense of inner identity. Anyhow, it is too long to be developed here but has something to do nowdays with the phenomenon of sheepeoples being led...As a nation we are at the moment in an utter mess. No joy springing from the sovereign selves to be found anywhere... at this moment. Love and peace to you K. Miller.
No reaction can be huge challenge and consuming our day or night too, but only temporary, after a day or two calmth will return the walls are restored. The good feeling of conquering the temptation of showing our pain and frustrations. Selfcontrol is underestimated it can be very hard to not express your annoyance, hurt feelings or anger for example when they ignore you in a delicate moment or situation. It's hard to think of other things when the narcissist is drawing your negative mind attention. It's like they are pulling with magnetic powers and that force can be very strong until we go no contact 100%.
@@nd612 Hi, I read your comment carefully and when I read 'brothers and sisters' an old dance hit came to mind had to look it up but could not find it. However I found this song and somehow I feel like sharing with you you. It made me smile and touched my heart, freedom and joy for the genuine brothers and sisters in this world. Hope you like it, the dancing man made me smile 🙂❤️ Narcissists are walking knives to hurt us anywhere they can bc they hate life, confidence, innocence and purity! Hope you have a very nice weekend. ua-cam.com/video/52GkOh8G2N8/v-deo.html
I decided to leave my narcissistic husband. I’ve had an awakening and I finally see him for what and who he is. You have helped me more than you can imagine!!!! I pray for strength through this!
Good for you, Lesley!! I had no idea that there were people like this in the world, until it happened to me (my husband left me, almost 3 yrs. ago, without warning, and never even gave me a reason). I thought I was with a good, decent, caring person, for the past 23 years - and he always went out of his way to help me with anything I needed - and I did the same for him. He was NOT who and what he pretended to be all these years! I'm sorry to learn that your husband is a narcissist, and that you've had to uproot your life, and I wish you all the best in the future as you settle into your new life!!
Be safe, Lesley. I'm a man who left a narcissistic wife (who had a narcissistic mother and father) and I can tell you the most dangerous time is immediately after you leave a narcissist/abuser. Have a plan in place.
I find it funny that they don't care about you at all and constantly try to make you miserable but they have to have total control over you and even though they don't want you they don't want anyone else to have you either it's just that they are so crazy it's unbelievable
I was dating a pig for six months. He expected things from me - steaks, pizzas, cookouts, gifts, etc. - but did very little for me, and threw it in my face that he's done plenty of things for me and "don't forget it." Changing a light bulb hardly constitutes 'plenty of things.' When he finally couldn't verify his lies he began his personal attacks and said I act like a queen of the neighborhood and none of the neighbors like or care about me. I was wondering why the neighbors and his roommate wouldn't even say hi. He had been trashing me to everyone, all single guys, and trashing them to me to make sure each of us would have negative vibes towards each other & wouldn't date. I don't know if he's a narcissist, but he certainly is a very disturbed, two-faced hypocrite. I dumped that POS quickly.
Good for you I had people who would step in front of you and take over the conversation you were having with someone and turn their back to you and act like you don't exist how ignorant rude and self absorbed is that!!!!!
My father being a narcissist really messed up my mental development. He always argues, invalidates my feelings, neglects me, holds double standards, no boundaries, it's a terrible way to treat your child. I don't trust anyone and have mental problems from it.
I'm the same. I learnt later in life that if I said nothing they can't get to you because if you don't reply there's dead air. The conversation then fizzles out.
My narcissistic mother would always "Whatever" me whenever I said something she didn't agree with or thought was silly, even if it was something really important that mattered to me. They might not like hearing it, but they sure don't mind using it to hurt you or make you feel insignificant.
I agree. My birth giver told me she doesn’t want to hear about my problems I’m going through or what I have to say. She completely ignores me when I’m talking, look at me in disgust, start a conversation with someone else, walk away or say “whatever”
No one can make anyone hurt or make anyone feel anything that they don't allow them too. The bible says t trust god, not man because what humans are capable of. I would rather trust in Jesus whom does not lie and is good and love.
Now I understand... my ex boyfriend would tell me that I love fighting with him. I was like “what? I hate this! I don’t want to fight with you!” Now I know that he was projecting his own feelings. He loved to fight with me. So sad..
I've studied narcissism in my work as a divorce mediator, and discussed this topic on my podcast THE Amicable Divorce Expert. So I loved the question posed in this video. I would have said "No" would be the one word a narcissist cannot deal with, but "Whatever" seems to be less harsh and more confusing to a narcissist than "No". I appreciate this lesson today, Thank you..
I honestly love your posts and always enjoy reading them in my lonely spare time. I'm so sorry I invaded your privacy, but I'd love to be friends with someone who could share such sensitive post content, which means you're a woman of integrity. I wanted to add you but sending you a friend request without your consent is inappropriate because I'm a public figure and it wouldn't take much either, I'd appreciate it if you send me a friend request now so we can be friends and text better here on UA-cam
I find a fist works best violence shatters ego's like nothing else and fear will keep pricks and bullys at bay and yeah I'm a small bloke silence keeps people guessing
"Whatever" would make my ex-husband absolutely unhinged. Especially if I said it with no emotion. Then every drop of vileness within him would spill out of him. One attempt after another to try getting any kind of emotion out of me. It always ended with, "You just don't care. I don't know why I keep trying." He's nailed this one perfectly.
Very true. As soon as I read that, I heard his voice say it and knew it was familiar. Not that that makes any difference to it being a word they cannot stand to hear ...directed at them. The narc I know and somehow love uses it to dismiss a truth he doesn't want to accept but is unable to effectively deny. In fact it could well be 'it's quite hypocritical how you get annoyed at me saying whatever - x example - but use it all the time yourself - y example.' pause...'whatever' Laughs at own 'humour' but we both know not really a joke.
Then get into a nasty "whatever" verbal ping pong match with them. Whoever says the last "whatever" wins. Wait thats a very narcissistic thing for me to say. 😔
As the former wife of a narcissist, I am very concerned that if I had said “whatever“ to him, he would’ve become enraged and could have become violent. You are right, it’s an extremely invalidating word and most likely a potent one to use on a narcissist in some cases, but in an intimate relationship with a narcissist who has vastly superior physical strength, I am worried that this approach could put you in danger.
Probably the only way to say it with someone like that is to have pepper spray, to be honest though, could you be happier with someone else, not threatening?, to just love you for the woman you are, to be in love with you as well, no need to control or be bossy? If he has to be violent to be a so-called man, he's got some issues.
Most likely A-hole is hated by many, co-wrkrs for 1. two things I'd say, a good alibi and a guy out of Joisy. don't have life Ins. no motive in the law's eyes, mho.
If he is a beater...leave narcissist or not..dont look back, don't past GO, you can't collect $200. Just leave. I had to leave in the middle of the night like a ninja before. It's not worth it.
Your not wrong. If I ever said that to my brother the situation would become very volatile, he would spew a fire load of horrific insults and then flee before you could blink. He may even flip furniture or become physical.
@@MrsKimchula Same. But after years and years of being his spitting bowl, his mindlessly stupid supporter who would echo his obvious lies just because I wouldn‘t want an argument in the house, it has gotten me to the point where I couldn‘t take the shit anymore. He is someone very sick in the head. Making up lies as normal as drinking water, and if you dare mention it you‘ll have your entire life analized and criticized, humiliated at his pointing finger. It doesn‘t matter what it is, it must always revolve around how heroic he is to the family. He would set family members against one another, just for him to step inside and offer "advices" and become hero of the day. My brothers used to punch him right in the face. But with time, even they will succumb to the repetitive reframing that somehow he was the innocent victim. I figured reacting emotionally is his game he intended us to play. So while praising me and saying good things about me just enough to keep me on the chair while he critize the imaginary version of me in his head, I told him with seriousness in his face, "I don‘t care about your stories. You have absolutely nothing, nothing, except empty talks." He was furious, tried to get physical, wanted me to initiate it, but I dealt it as if dealing with a troubled kid. With slight sigh and head shaking, I am telling him I‘m not taking the bait. He went off to his empty house to cry. That was his very last friend, saying him to f..k off. I even asked him while he was leaving, "did your broken family ever teach you something? Did your colleagues leaving you ever tell you something about yourself?" He went off with absolute defeat.
I have feared being a narcissist like the people who raised me. But after watching your videos it seems I have done so much to be the opposite that this is not something that I should fear. • I prefer accountability. It means I have an opportunity to be proactive in finding a solution. • The last thing I want from anyone is control over them. I love the people in my life exactly as they are and accept the level of connection that is mutually comfortable. • I get excited for others when they win. I try to help them make it happen if I can.
Well.. just tried this on the phone with him. Started out so pleasant then he lied about restaurants re-opening that were not. I tried to tell him..but he always has to be right and when he is..he says "Told ya!" Ugh. I then said " "You are so full of yourself you could provide fertilizer to at least 1/2 the world's farmers". He got quiet..I hung up and blocked him.
Tammi, I love it! 😂😂.. Girl, you think on your toes! That was plain hilarious! I don't know how many times I tell my covert husband he's full of himself!
For years, I was married to a narcissist and I knew nothing about this type of person. What I eventually came to realize was that he was CRAZY! It was pure hell living with him! The only reason I stayed was because of our 4 children. I didn’t want to separate them from their father so in a sense I became a sacrifice until finally one day it had to end after 20 years of marriage. Our youngest was 10 yrs old at the time. I just couldn’t wait for her to turn 18 before making a move. I was a wreck and my mental state was a deep concern. After convincing him to leave (which was difficult) we separated with him thinking it would be for no more than a year. 😉 After the separation laughter and a sense of peace filled the house! One day, while the kids were all having a good time, I asked my middle daughter (she was 15 years old at the time) are you okay with your dad not being here living with us? She said, “YES, you should have done this a long time ago. We hated the way daddy treated you, and us. We are much happier now!” 🤦🏽♀️ How wrong I was to stay for all those missable years thinking it was the best thing to do for the children! 😩 We divorced back in 2005 and I never looked back! He’s tried several times to come back and even asked to get remarried! 🤣 What a complete joke! …😡 Yeah right dude, return to hell after being set FREE! 🥳 Moral of the story, “don’t stay with a narcissist for no reason! Be safe and plan an exit! They will only break you down and suck the life out of you while feeding their deeply imbedded flesh eating monsters! All my children are well pass grown now and not one of them are married. I can’t help but to think had their father left a lot sooner, would things be difference? ……PROBABLY SO!!!
I once heard it put, "It must be miserable living inside of your skin." That kind of makes it clear to them that YOU aren't miserable living inside YOUR skin!
What about them using those words.. "you make it hard for yourself" when you try to keep distance to have your hed above water. So you rather walk then to take a ride with them.
"Whatever" is perfectly suited to screwing up the wiring of the narcissist. Delivered flatly it constitutes a vagueness, a grey area that offers no supply. They are left to shadow box with themselves. Thank you, Dr. Carter.
This was a great video. I broke up with a narcissistic boyfriend 5 years ago. He just contacted me telling me how sorry he was for being an ass, how I was the best girl ever and wants me back. I almost fell into it but 2 days later after some wonderful texting he starting picking at me purposely irritating me. When I asked him nicely to stop cuz it's hurting my feelings, he said im too sensitive and started blaming me claiming he's not doing anything! I am so glad it ended right there and didn't get sucked into that relationship all over again! Whew! Close one!
@@devitaiyomoyo7387 I like your choice of words. That is a great way to describe it. It's true they can only play that wonderful caring person for so long before the true colors come out. This guy even actually said to me during our conversation about the possibility of getting back together he would "only kiss my ass for a couple days"! What a strange thing to say. I thought in my head "And then what?" That's exactly what steered me in the opposite direction!
I made the mistake of saying "whatever" not long ago. HUGE mistake. I would not advise saying it to a narcissist, especially if you know they can turn violent because saying whatever is going to light the fuse like nothing else. Stay safe out there.
Dismissing a narcissist with a simple "No" or "Whatever" is dangerous and can lead to them being so angry that you will be physically harmed. Actually even staying silent evokes anger. 34 years experience in a destructive marriage.
It also sounds bad when they quote you to a 3rd person. If you are in a work setting and they tell a supervisor that you said whatever it makes you sound like the bad guy. I just agree with them but not give them what they want. Then they cant quote you or they will sound stupid because you sound so agreeable.
depends on the tone of voice you use, the emotion you add to it and your body language. if everything is in neutral/low key you are safe, if you let any of the 3 above three creep into the word you may be asking for touble
@@kate4kanini True and if you render it as "KMA" they'll be uncontrollably infuriated at being unable to figure out the acronym because of their extremely limited two dimensional thinking.
When the Devil can't get to you he sends a Narcissist.
Ha ha I love that!👍🏼
Lol, true.
I guess he thought with me he had his work cut out for him! Both my mother and my husband are narcs. I swear they mirror each other.
A good one!
Crystal, I was gonna say “good one” I see someone already has. Lol . That gave me such a chuckle I’ll say it again. Good one.
Best way to deal with a narcissist. NO CONTACT
Hard when the narcissist is a family member.
Rex Torres . No denying that. However, it’ll be more damaging to you. My only regret, I should have done it sooner . And it was a family member. A mother. Get as educated on it as you can. Take care of yourself my friend.
Well said
Hard to ignore or no contact when the abusive narcissists is your daughter!
not always possible....if the narc is a co-worker that you have to team work with , you're in for a hellish ride.....
Is it just me or do narcs seem like making other people miserable makes them happy?
No it's not you.... when your heart can be breaking and you're crying in front of them and they stare at you like a booger that they would like to flick off out of their existence it's very apparent that they like hurting you and making you miserable it gives them power only when it no longer makes you give a sh.... That bothers some of them but even that doesn't bother mine.
Oh they love it... it's sick and it's evil....
YES!!!!
When I’m happy he takes the credit “ I love it when I make u happy , I do everything for u “ but then in a matter of minutes is telling me how I don’t love him or care all cause I offered to go the store without him or something like that .. when he says those things about doing everything me and taking care of his family I know it’s coming I know it’s a set up
My ex loved to see me in dispare. I realized he had a smirk in his face when I was crying for him totally disrespecting me...he loves to make me miserable when I'm happy. Swoops n starts hovering..
They hate the word "no" a whole lot more than they hate "whatever" in my opinion. When you respond with a no and they know that you really mean no, they'll rage out on you because their bullying tactics didn't get them what they wanted. 😊
I think the point of "whatever" is to confuse them enough to prevent the rage.
@@IamNeo954I think you’re right. If you give no reaction, no emotion to their bs, the narc gets no joy.
I agree.
I feel like no gives them something to rage about, but saying whatever gives them nothing to rage about AND they are not right. It is you are not playing the game by their rules
Whatever
Why did the narc cross the road? He/she thought it was a boundary. 🤦♀️
That’s a good one!
😂😂😂😂🤣🤣
🤣😭😂
...to get to his/her other side.
baaaaa haaaaa 😂👍
My grandmother used to say in Spanish, “Argue with a fool, then there are two fools.” 🤔😜
Why is it? That grandparents always have the wisdom that the young need? Lol
Thats a really good saying.
I love this. I'm stealing.😂
Your grandmother was a wise one lmao
@@ecasey91 You are absolutely right. VA BENE.
The word they can't bear to hear is "no" but the word they can not utter is "sorry".
Garden gate. I'm sorry you feel that way
@@spiderok8663 Good one.
This would be the same idea I had...covert narc wife will never accept a "no".
Yep, for sure!!
They are masters in faking this word "sorry", knowing that they will keep on repeating this game forever.
Narcissists don't like to be called out for what they truly are, *narcissists.*
Finally breaking away from a narcissist feels like being let out of prison.
Well said
Keep running Vickie! It took me 6 years and multiple attempts to get out--but I've really done it this time. Have accepted that it will never work & it's been 8 months and I can't tell you how much lighter I feel; I can think clearly again; and I'm ME again!! Best of luck to you and to all of us!
@@marykirsten7773 Enjoy your life now, nothing can compare with FREEDOM.
It feels like "Freedom at last."
Yes exactly
You can't fix them with love. You just end up being abused if you try
Absolutely true!!!!
I wish i knew that 30 years ago
100%👌🏼
Sad really, cause love is meant to fix everything. I think they're aliens..
Narcissism is learned as a child from a parent who is narcissistic themselves....now we call them entitled. It is a personality disorder and until they decide they want to be different there is nothing you can do but find a balance where you get what you need once in a while or begin to get them used to hearing No with a logical reason why that NO is never going to change.
-- When i discovered "whatever" worked to shut down an arguement it became ny favorite word, and my emotional/mental shield.
The narcissist will either play the victim or the hero, never the villain.
Truth hurts for some people more than others...
@@nopedone6530 Truth hurts Bad people.
Lies hurt Good people.
They do both of those they fuck up your life and then pretend their “innocent” to be the “hero” to come “save the day.”
🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I know one that plays all of those according to the need at the moment
This whole time I thought he was explaining the comment section of UA-cam and then I saw the title.
“Boundaries” is a definite trigger word for the narcissist.
Q: What should you do with a narcissist?
A: Walk away. Don't say 'sorry'. Don't say anything.
. Just walk away.
. Get on with your life. You'll be better off.
john hanrahan that’s really good advice.
john hanrahan right?! Any interaction is a lose lose situation. It’s pointless and waste valuable energy that could be used elsewhere.
Celebrate when they've moved on to someone else, because they will experience all the crap you went through but you don't have to deal with it any longer!
Last time I tried to walk away from my brother when he was talking, he gave me a black eye.
William Shaw I’m sorry to hear that. That’s really unacceptable. Stay away from him as much as you can.
A narcissist is like a four year old that never grows up!!!
Now your talking and so right about that 100 percent
Yes only today I got the answer thank you thank I always said why can he not think that or should say that but I give up like u said it will be the same mind for ever I need stay way I gess I can grow fine learn from my mistakes I am the normal he isn't thank you for short but very strong answer I have been looking for
That's bc they are emotionally disabled. It is the emotions of a 4vyr old. For real
I have seen some pretty kind, 'mature' and 'wise' four years olds that would give you their favourite Teddy Bear and a hug if they saw you upset.
Narcissists only care about themselves and what they want! No care for anyone else unless they are getting something out of it.
On the TV show Full House, Kimmy Gibbler had a boyfriend Duane; all he’d ever said was the word whatever.
A Narcissist is just another way of saying Arrogant, Argumentative, Pain in the Ass, that never runs out of Negative Energy!
Yup had a friend for 10 years that was a narcissistic gas lighter. The guy was like a tick sucking your blood.
Emotional immaturity. Though their physical body grows into that of an adult, their brains do not. It's at this level of emotional immaturity that the narc gets stuck and, from my experience, he or she, can not get passed it. It's a little like putting an 8 yo inside the body of a 40 yo. It just never seems right.
It's far more than that. Argumentative, pain in the ass, etc can describe almost anyone at one time or another. A narc on the other hand is cruel calculating, vindictive, threatening, he's a lifelong conman, a thief, a liar and he is all these things on a level unimaginable unless you're a pawn in his game.
@@Paul-gf9fc same here
Pain in the ass, yes; describes them best... And, also "human glue"...
I actually think that "whatever" is a dangerous comment to use on a narcissist it is also a favorite word that narcissists use. It is extremely passive aggressive which is why it is the verbal fighting tool of so many teenagers trying to get under their parents skin. This word will provoke many narcissists. I think a safer word is "OK." You can't win against a narcissist EVER- all you can do is create some space to either move on or move out. I also think that habitually using passive aggressive narcissistic statements yourself, actually starts to change and damage your own psyche.
The narc I had dealt with that opened my eyes to narcissism, "whatever" would have been used as permission or the A-ok by his hyper enabling mother. Sometimes No is the right answer.
I respectfully disagree, the response of “ok” seems much more sarcastic or surrendering. I see “whatever” more as an indifferent reaction. Not surrendering your position to theirs but also not asserting your own. I think clearly no engagement at all is the BEST option but that’s not always possible. I hope I explained this well?
Maybe no reply at all. Just walk away. I found that a silent look spoke volumes to me when I said something stupid.
I agree my ex said it was another word for f-u and it kinda fueled him.
you can win against a Narc. You sound scared and timid. They are extremely weak minded people. They have a mask they fake makes the strong. when they are exposed their weakness shine so bright.
To anyone waiting for the word, it's WHATEVER :)
He never said the word directly lol! Hahah thank you
Lol thanks. Saves me time
Thank you
Thanks. Now i dont have to watch the video.
Thanks, I was waiting through the ads.
I noticed they like to cause problems/drama where there really isnt any....sick !
Totally ALL the time phew it’s exhausting!!
Agreed 100%%
yep, cause problems out of nothing.
Absolutely there are toxic number one ☝️
Yes i knew someone like that. It really drains you
What does a narcissist want most in life? Answer: To be a fussy baby their whole life and never grow up.
Fussy baby? You are being way too nice.
A Ungar LOL! Not really. Bcuz a grown fussy baby is hell on wheels!
lmao true. To never take accountability for their actions, it's always someone or something else's fault
BC 12 Oh God yes and mine was a 74 year old Elvis impersonator, after a year and a half I am finally done! Loved attention and total control, all about him. He knew it all, I knew nothing!
BC 12 My mom is a 53 year old child. I can't wait to escape.
Absolutely! My therapist gave me an example of how to disengage with a narcissist. It's like a game of tug of war initiated by the narcissist. They set the boundary and throws you the other end of the rope. If you pick up the other end of the rope you have engaged in their desired war. So, don't pick up the other end of the rope, leave it on the ground. Look at them straight in the eye, don't say a word then turn around and walk away.
Your therapist and I are on the same page.
This is the tactic that has worked for me. 👍🏻
@@SurvivingNarcissism Dr. C, you know this is where I'm at right now. You have responded to me with helpful tools. The more I grey rock the worse it becomes. I'm just going to keep moving!!!
@@PastelBrushes-n-Donuts Lord knows, this is where I'm at with my mom. I'm trying!!!! This lady right here, I believe she trains narcissistic people. She is wizard of them all.
Yes, we have to realize we don’t have to hang around when the narc starts throwing insults or innuendos. We can, and should, just choose to leave their presence.
I lived with a narcissist for 25 years. She eventually filed for a divorce from me because i started saying NO. I was blamed for everything. She controlled who i could see, what i did, even put me down for going to church. I never knew what was going on until now. I have no friends, i have no family contact, i have no self esteem and i am damaged emotionally. I have been away from her for only 3 months and i am slowly getting back on track. I was tricked into believing i was the problem. I did not even know what a narcissist was. The only reason i looked this up was because she kept calling me a narcissist. All i can say is WOW. What a fool i was.
NOT a fool, manipulated and tricked. You were victimized.
david crouch they are way more common than you think. I felt guilty for resenting and disliking my mother since my early childhood. We have never ever gotten along due to some 13 years of severe trauma that she knew was happening to me from the age of 4 to the age of 17 when i moved out and moved in with some friends. Anyway she knew exactly what was going on, but she made a choice NOT to protect me, her own child from day one. He was a raging alcoholic and when they would fight, she would desperately beg him not to leave....i remember seeing her outside early one morning, still in her nightgown and him sitting in the car as he yelled and she wept in the driveway. She basically prostituted me out to him so he would stay with her. And now to this day she cannot look me in the eye. And oh get this...they finally divorced but it had nothing to do with me telling her multiple times over the years what he was doing to me....oh no..not that at all.....she filed for divorce in 1997 because she caught him cheating on her with another ADULT woman. Talk about a slap in the face. She is in such deep denial i would like to assume it’s only because she has to be in order to be able to go on living with herself because if i were her I would have “called it a day” YEARS AGO. If You know what I mean....also its like if I am with her in any given situation she just has this uncanny way of embarrassing the shit out of me because i end up embarrassed for her. IDK , The only reason I am even living under the same roof at the moment is because i offered to come and take care of my elderly grandmother who is almost 100yrs old (that’s who’s house she is staying in) on the days of the week that she worked. I call her “NANA”. Nana became my mother, emotionally after my mom emotionally checked out when she met and married my former step father.
You’re in the right place at the right time David, keep moving forward.
I remember when I finally started realizing what he was doing, it's not only a shock but makes you feel stupid for not figuring it out before. All I can say is they have a way of making it never their fault, they can never be wrong
@Proinseas Ni hAnluain
That's such good advice I'm going to remember to take care of myself too
"Whatever" isn't as strong as the one and only word that works: "Bye"
Agreed 👍
No!!!!
He called me crazy and have mental health issues because his hoovering wasn't working so I replied "Bye Felicia" and blocked him. I can see him now googling what this means 😁
😂❤️👍
@@rachp5176 I'm from behind the times retrograde country, so I think, that name Felix much more suitable for man than Felicia.
The number one thing narcisist hate is silence. Do not acknowledge their existence and they will fall into a near suicidal depression.
It will always be "near" suicidal. A real narc will never kill god.
My mother always threatens suicide but never follows through. She is a frustrated soul . She has a tendency to lead others to suicide with her narcissistic toxic ways.
people who have seen the devious nasty wrath of my narcisstic mother have actually told me to tell her let her go jump and hope she lands face down.
@@starlite7785 She's not your problem. Her damage to your life is your problem. Let her jump, let her win the lottery, let her get hit with a bucket of water and melt, it's not your problem. You take care of you.
That's not always narsism sumtimes u need atention to feel human
"I have my own life to live." " I am not gonna do it at the expense of my self - respect" "I have better things to do with my life." Thank you for validating my feelings. The first two sentences were the exact words I said few months ago to my narcist Dad.
agree- makes me feel better too- their stupid childish behavior is exhausting
Better than "whatever". Try " Get over yourself." It will send them into cardiac arrest.
Lol @ Cardiac arrest
What does.. get over yourself mean?
I love this response! LOL!
Robert Pailler 😂😂😂😂🤣🤣😂🤣🤣
@@sweetbeep If I said that to someone, My intention would be,
"Grow up, get with it and you're not as great as you think you are."
They really can't stand being told "No". Guaranteed narcissistic rage or tantrum.
I was shocked that "no" wasn't the word he was referring to.
@@bethnshermy Yes, I was betting on "no," too. "No" just doesn't play, ever.
I think that saying 'No' is a refusal, defiance, so it is still engaging with the demand. 'Whatever' is a complete unflapped shrugging off.
They also hate to be told that the world doesn’t revolve around them.
@@oklahomaisok I can't even imagine how that would go over.
A combination of "no" and "okay" works wonders. You can say "okay" to everything that's an opinion or idea, and you can say "no" to demands. It's a total shutdown if done right.
For everybody I think. You dont have to be a narc to actually want to be heard and not be invisible to people you love.
Saying no to a narcissist is a declaration of war to them.
I have a business relationship with an NPD so I can't go no contact (yet) with them. However, Drs Carter & Ramoni (spelling?) have given me great advice on numerous occasions. Also, I've received good advice, (such as yours) sometimes in the comments sections of both channels. I have noticed it's as you say, a declaration of war, to say: "No" to the narcissist; however, it's how I state my disagreement with them that accomplishes the desired result.
To me William Morse and your recommendation on how tov handle narcissists are both correct.
Also saying nothing works well too. A head nood or even sometimes a noise letting the narc know you heard them works, the less you say the better the out come.
The phrase that drives the narcissist in my life crazy is "we'll just have to agree to disagree..." SHE GOES BALLISTIC!
OMG, I was about to make that exact same comment!!!! Yes, yes, so very true!
Same. My ex at the time stopped talking to me for two days cause I said this one day 😂
My narcissist next door divorced his wife because "she got cancer and went crazy".She just couldnt pay as much attention to him now that she has a life threatening medical condition.(His interpretation of crazy).Shes in remission now and told me last time on the phone she told him she just didnt have time left for his BS! Good for her!Good luck to you Sherry!
Well done to Sherry! Wishing her well.
Ah ha so sherry was talking to you ,,, i knew it !
@@4486xxdawson Your whole family is a train wreck! Do everyone a favor and stay away!
That's what Newt Gindrich did. Twice.
Narcs always have a cancer story....
They also hate being called crazy, because it’s true.
O
O
O
Oo
They love to tell you they're cra cra but everyone can see they are cra cra
"Whatever suits your narrative..."
They don't like the word "no" in any form.
They HATE it!!!
That was the first word I thought of when I read the thumbnail.
they dont even like it when you respect their own boundaries!!
they dont want to win. they just want you to lose.
no I am not gonna do that... :))
Bit they LOVE to say it to others
I recently broke away from a Narcissist... I am finally free. Another word that they hate is "opinion". They don't have opinions, they own the truth. Not in my books.
They hate being called a liar. Like really really hate it.
N D that’s EXACTLY why they hate it too. I’m sorry your dealing with this
Ohhhh yes.
I called him OUT two weeks ago he had a a tantrum threatened me and blocked me “for good.”
Lol 😂
No one likes being called a liar. 🌱
Laurie Paris especially not a narcissist!!!!!!!!!!
Laurie Paris of course not but the difference is A non-narcissist or a person who is not trying to hide anything is not going to get so irate they become violent or even verbally or emotionally abusive. Annoyed and hurt? Even vent about it? Yes As an example of what I’m talking about, I was living with my narcissistic grandmother in law due to financial reasons. When I had my daughter she would go in the bedroom when I’m at work , She would clean everything, It was an excuse to go through my documents because my private mail was organized in categories that they had to be read to know what’s it’s about. (Mainly it was court dates and hospital dates of trauma that I’ve been through, I assume was to get information on me to try to manipulate me more, or if something happens I will look “crazy”) When she was doing that she also washed one of my daughters toys That had batteries in it and broke it. Even though I felt like my own privacy was being invaded, I was in her home so therefore I didn’t say anything but I did mention the toy. It was a glowworm. it was a toy that my daughter would listen to to fall asleep as a baby. For some reason she refused to sleep without it. I asked her hey did you wash that toy it’s broken? (Think asking would be better than straight up accusing even she did) Soon as I ask that she immediately got mad at me and told me that she was looking for a different toy. I told her remember we talked about this. you know that toy(some ball with bells in it) was over at my grandmothers house . because a week before this happened we had a conversation about it because it’s something that they bought for her and wanted to know where it was at. Which is fine I explained how every time my grandmother would watch her she keeps everything I send over there. She asked me well technically she yelled it but she asked “are you calling me a liar?” I said well you’re not telling the truth. She got so irate she starts screaming saying when I leave to go to work today do not ever come back. She kicked me out, she kicked out my then five-month-old, and obviously my husband. All because I said you’re not telling the truth. Over a toy. Then proceeded to tell everyone that we decided to move out even though we had nowhere to go. Knowing my own grandmother situation and knowing I have no one else. That is what I mean by they don’t like being called a liar. Anytime you disagree with her it was you’re too stupid to understand simple blah blah blah. That is not a normal reaction even if you’re wrongfully accused of lying. As I was when I came out with the truth and You’re right I didn’t like it and it did hurt. It was hard to let people say what they said But the main thing is how narcissists reacts to being called a liar and that’s what’s important.
I started saying "whatever" recently in response to his nonsense. He actually said he hates that word and tried to tell me I shouldnt use it. I told him he's not the word police and he doesnt get to dictate how I speak. He did NOT like that!
lollllllllllllllllll
Awesome!!!!!! 👏🏼
The proper response to that statement about him hating that word is "Whatever" just for extra comic effect :D
"Your not the Word Police"
😆😅😄😅Funny👏👏
Lol!
With a dangerous narc, be careful, "whatever" can fuel their fire.
Yes, when they are in rage, just leave dont engange even the word 'whatever' or 'really?' or 'maybe' or 'no' or anything else. They will fight back. Narcissist often always want to have the last word. They always want to win. But sometimes, when they are being narcissistic in a calm way, you can say that.
I said "whatever" once and the SUPER COVERT MALIGNANT NARC (now EX-husband) went FULL RAGE BALLISTIC. and broke everything in his sight.
Think no is better
Yeah, depends on how it's said. I've also said "I see" in a very flat tone.
@@mariasartzis-pellicier1723 what a big baby
"Whatever" is a good thing to say. The narc I have to deal with only wants the fight. They WANT the argument. Took me a long time to figure it out. They want the turmoil and the argument, I won't give them what they want.
What they really want is the attention and interaction because it fuels their importance.
I recently realized this too...Took me years because I couldn't imagine anyone wanting this, but they do.
I think it's because it's a distraction from the unease in themselves, any kind of distraction is better than dealing with what's going on in them.
Exactly.
In my experience, the narcissist herself uses whatever herself, basically to devalue anything you are saying or trying to explain. The #1 word in my experience that they cannot stand is No.
If only I could upvote this to the top of the comments! Spot on!!!
Yes, this! The moment you tell them "no", they are done. It is entirely unacceptable. But I've found that being definitive makes them overtly mean and vindictive. "Whatever" is a more open ended, has no real response or meaning and leaves them hanging, uncertain. Both are frustrating to them, for sure.
Absolutely....as soon as I saw the title, I thought it's...no....
Exactly...
There is something they do not like as well - tell them you are happy about your life Then they hey will try to put you in any abnormality but shortly conversation will end up. That is something they feel they cannot compete with - they are never simply happy, only kicking someone they have short time
Brilliant. Haven’t spoken to “my” narcissist in 2 years. We had a 60+ year connection. Best thing I ever did was exit.
Robin Smith,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌷🌺🌹,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
You Go Robin!! That gives me hope!!
I love you!
I know you feel like you got out of prison ,I knew a narcissist that tried to control everybody . And now nobody will go around them .
Good for you....God bless you...
My narcisist was in my life since 1987. I couldn't get rid of him. Moved to FL in 2000 & he kept calling. I would flip the bird when I saw Don on my caller ID. He noticed I never called back. Was too stupid to take the hint. The best thing was to forcefully kick him to the curb.
A nonchalant attitude is what pisses off a narcissist.
It disarms their smugness. In my humble experience.
@@SiliconBong Serves them right! Haha!
I agree Clarence, I had a narcisstic ex and he would cry and argue for hours. He didn't like it when I wouldn't react and had a blank expression on my face!
@@silverselina2382 you sure you weren't just being cold? Empathy is needed both ways in any argument or conversation.
This is very true
Metaphor: The bar's closed..no more drinks being served! PRICELESS 💚
They hate to hear the word whatever but I find the phrase “are you done?” shuts them down quite effectively.
Same concept. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism -I couldn't agree more.
I wish I could. The one I'm dealing with would throw it back at me, mocking me and being ruder and more sarcastic. And I can't shut them out of my life because they're closely related and it would only stir up a huge hornets nest.
Psalm 37v4 the one I deal with is my sister. I find total avoidance a good way of dealing with her.
@@psalm37v4 it can be very difficult. Showing indifference when you are in a trapped situation can make them very mean.
There's only one tried and true way to deal with a Narc, and it's called BYE BYE!
......or more crudely said in my hood...F... O..
Unfortunately......some narcisisist entities can't be avoided....like landlords!!#!!@#@!!
I’ve been trying to avoid that one but you might be right
very true--i planned my escape a few years back---best thing I've ever done--J.
I've learned to play my own passive aggressive games. They're pressing your buttons (no, you press theirs). Watch them spin out of control. If you're stuck there.
I agree 100% and I give the cold shoulder treatment that just drove most of them nuts
How, true, how true. When I stopped listening to my narcissistic husband, and feeding his ego, he left me. I did not see that coming!!! I filed for divorce, and I've been happy ever since.
How did you even stop? I always come to the conclusion afterwards. But I am fierce, I will stop this. He will bend or break. His choice, not mine.
Same here. When I stopped going along with every whim he had, he left me. Still have my good and bad days but doing much better.
I went no contact cold turkey with my narcissistic mother. The messages she sent me in the aftermath were scary from a pathological viewpoint. She herself almost went mad from me not answering her at all and is not doing well now. She has burnt all bridges and only has a dysfunctional relationship with her narcissistic daughter (whom I also cut out of my life). I have never looked back and am much more happy. Thank you for sharing this, dr.
Same, but I'm the mom, and I cut off my soon to be ex narcissist spouse, and our narcissist son, and what a relief it's all been.
Exsctly like my adult daughter..nasty messages I've saved she twists everything back onto me.
Mother is the same and brother..thankfully my sister is close to me...
Good for you. Don't ever feel guilty.
I did the same with my mother and sister... my mother really had a problem with this, I've not had contact for years, it's a relief.
I'm glad that you decided to choose you. I know that wasn't easy for you but necessary. Bravo and kudos to you and yours in JESUS' NAME. AMEN.
Two words: they hate the word "no" and they can't say "sorry" because that means they have to take blame. They need to be blameless.
LordDeliverUs So true!!!
In 54 years I never heard my mother say she was sorry for anything She did. Ever. Not even one with a "but" behind it. Nor did I ever hear her admit she did anything wrong.
LordDeliverUs the narcissistic man i lived with, would say "sorry." But it was a lie to keep me from bailing out on him. He never meant it. Every word that came out if his mouth was a lie. Sorry was just another lie in his bag of tricks.
@@gardener5857 I can identify with you on this. It's beyond CRAZY!
Exactly!!!
What's strange in these situation is when a narcissist claims that you're a narcissist.
Lol that’s what he said to me!!!
Figures
@@bdaina me too
Absolutely 👍🤝
@@abutterfly7975 oh my, me too!😂
With my mother, it was the word NO. I've got a good story about her flying into a rage. I thought she was going to kill me. This is a long story, however, so I'll have to write it down some other time. It was definitely one of my finer moments in life, standing up to her. 😊😊😊
The problem is, "No" engages you with the narcissist and their games. "I am saying NO to what YOU are saying"... Whereas the best approach with a narcissist is to DISengage from them..."I am not responding in any way to what you are saying."
A word a narcissist can't stand is the word narcissistic.
You're absolutely right I love it and I would really tell the person you have all the characteristics of a narcissist that would really throw the person for a loop LOL
Every time I talk about anyone being a narcissist in front of my narcissist husband I can see him wiggle and squirm and roll his eyes. These people are totally aware of the havoc and chaos they cause it is a choice to act like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum. They do it on purpose to show you who is in charge even though they aren't in charge of anything they do
LMFAO👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
I’m going to have to try that, ............. IF I EVER SPEAK TO ANY OF MY NARCISSISTS AGAIN🧠💩👺
Everyone have a great Christmas 🍾🥂 Stay away from the ”Narcsies” & odds are you’ll have a good one🥳
it's sometimes the first word they'll use against other people when they start drama, in my experience
@@kayleemeyer2830
That's so true but that seems to be what they do with everything, whatever they do they project it onto everyone else
My mama used to say "You cannot reason with an idiot"... :)
I also heard, "Never reason with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."
🤣🤣 so true..
Or "you can't reason with an unreasonable person".
I always say "Don't argue with a fool....that makes YOU a fool too"
Ain't that the dang truth
Truth. Narcissists can’t stand your indifference.
Might cause narc to rage.
yes. Indifference is unforgiveable to a narcissist.
That is another good one...it destroys them.
ANGELA FALSETTA yes they destroy themselves. The truth must be respected.
I think pretty much anything and everything is unforgivable to a narcissist.
When a narcissist picks at you,
Always ask them "what's wrong with that?"
Whatever they say, you respond,
"I'm perfectly ok with the way I am. "
"I'm not concerned with what people think about me. "
"I very much enjoy who I am. "
"I'm not going to worry about what people think about those things you mentioned. "
For you females out there dealing with a abusive male narcissist, if you have to, go to a homeless shelter to get away from him.
Grow from the ashes, just get the hell out of there.
I wish I had read this before I left--it's a thing of beauty!
Yeah when you got a man that's supporting you and asking you for the things that make a relationship you should bail and go to a homeless shelter.
Ran to my sister. I had a good friend who saw it way before I did, and she always told me, "I'm here if you need me." I went to her first. He had managed to get me to cut off from my family completely.
I have done that my dad will just rage with "you shouldn't be okay with who you are, you are so selfish, you don't even see it".
I own my house and have dogs. It not easy to just leave.. I want him gone !!! I wish I could leave my home and him but this is my house and he needs to go but he won’t leave!! No matter what I say I don’t know what his plans are or if he’s looking or it will be on his time but I can not deal with my peace in my house being disruptive even my dogs act out on his behavior against me when he needs his ego filled or he says he feels insecure then it’s game on.. I don’t want or need this in my life a year and half is too long to deal with this and I’m done so with this advice it’s no and whatever even if he tells me I’m heartless and don’t care it’s whatever he just needs to get out
These narcs are alot of the times bullies too
Carina Carter 💯
Nailed it right on the head
Cowardly lions one and all
Some truly are catlike in that they play with our minds like a cat plays with it's prey until it isn't any fun after the prey is unable to struggle in terror and lies at or near expiration in fear
Carina Carter oh yes!!
Always a bully. I just dumped a narcissist friend.
Narcissists love to say, "Whatever" also, to show complete contempt for your real concerns and needs.
I know! That hurt me so much as a child, that she just didn't care. I learned early how to wash and bandage my own injuries. And then when I was a teenager, she wanted to be part of my life. Nope, too little, too late.
Yeah mine always said "whatever", too.
They simply ignore anyones plight except their own.
An apology from a Narc should be memorialized as they only offer that up when whatever has no effect on you.
Exactly what I was thinking, considering leaving a comment on that very thing in our family! Like the person w/BPD who grew up with double narcs & still does not discern the difference (but is practicing on YOU while learning to assert themselves); flinging these phrases out indiscriminately. They "whatever" & "not MY problem" when there wasn't even a problem. We tried very hard not to laugh at the person or their mate (who got roped into that mindset innocently or naively). We're hoping they "grow out of it", knowing life will happen and it will bite them on the arse some day (not wishing it on them; that's just life).
@@tebethblaker777 Mine always used to tell me he wasn't playing my game anymore either. Lol!
I have just filed divorce after 18 years of my narcissistic sociopathic controlling husband. Took me 15 months to get there but man oh man. He now has overnight switched off and disconnected as i grey rocked him for weeks. I find it fascinating the grey rock theory. It works ! He has completely shaken me now and focusing on his next victim. High five for me guys “I’m out I did it “
High 5!!! Dr. C
Just Esther *hi5* 🖐😊😊😊
N D thank you 😊 I’m all set and excited. Lots to learn though about how to pay bills and learning finances though as I’ve never done it before. Wish me luck. X
Just Esther, you're story touched my heart ♥ and I will be glad to know you
Oscar Williamson so sweet of you . He’s delaying signing the papers I guess there’s no surprise there. Have a peaceful day 😊
In my experience, the narcissists in my life have had a dangerous tendency to fly off the handle. I instinctively learned the gray rock technique as a child (I had no word for it, but I did it by the time I was 8, and I think it saved me a tremendous amount of misery - I love the idea of "gray rock" in the sense of not reacting, but disappearing to play or read quietly alone ("I've got homework.") at the first sign of contention/attack. If you are actually advocating that someone should say "Whatever", I would like to point out that if it's the one word they can't stand it's quite likely to provoke an angry and possibly dangerous reaction. Gray rocks do NOT say "whatever". Thinking "whatever" is a good thing because it's telling themselves that they must not give in to the provocation and must not validate in their own minds the nasty things the narcissist is saying about them. "I am a rock, I am an island" got me through childhood, though the song wasn't written until I was older. Also, I was lucky enough to know some teachers, aunts and friend's mothers, who were consistently kinder and more nurturing than my own, and they provided hope and role models. I wish there had been some way to thank those good people. No kindness is wasted on a child.
I love your insight. My younger sister is the explosive antagonistic narcissist. We are sharing caregiver responsibilities for our parents. After being falsy accussed & attacked since childhood, I can't take it anymore. Actually verbalizing" whatever" could evoke physical violence. I am finally starting to mentally " whatever" her. Texting only pertinent info regarding our parents & on the days when we switch shifts, I stay in my car, walk around the yard, whatever, hee hee to avoid any unnecessary convo. Looking forward to the day when the anxiety & nervousness ceases on " switch day"
Agreed, “whatever” is feeding supply and giving the narcissists an excuse to react. Keep it internal!
My sister had a bar of soap shoved past her teeth to choke on in response to sass. Her bedroom door was bashed open, and she was attacked and beaten back onto her bed, as I ran screaming, in response to sass.
Do Not Taunt your narcissist! I learned through my sister’s suffering and crushed rebellion that “whatever” does NOT help!
@@humblejunks 😅
Thats why i have a poker face till this day lmao
Your comment is precious. If i could upvote it more
Like the saying goes....the best response to a fool is no response at all.
My grandmother used to say, “engage with a fool, then there are two fools.” 😂
It drives them crazy.
Absolutely true. When you show them that they're not important, they get depressed. If you confront them, they love it. If you show them they are completely irrelevant, they just go down hill. Absolutely true.
Yup. Soon as I actually DID disappear from her life, she went into a spiral that has left her a shadow of her shadow. Not ANYTHING like what she was when we first met, which BTW, was not all that great. 28 yrs later, she can't even keep cats around. Kids were taken by the State because of the squalor. In her 20s, she kept a decently clean house, and decently dressed. Many other things that drove her crazier.
they get furious.not depressed. ...next day...or few hours later .they are on their usual tracks again....
@@nensi1972 True--so long as they believe they can manipulate others within their sphere of influence. But showing they are unimportant is discarding them as superfluous, and the best way to do that is relational isolation. My ex remained semi-functional after the divorce (she could at least utter deprecations about me to the kids), until the State removed the children from her care for squalor. Living alone, her mental/emotional condition is but a specter of her former self when I met her. She is a complete wreck of a human being now. Not even cats will stick around.
Yes I think I must be one, but don't know why? insecurity???? poor self esteem???? Subject I've never studied, but will be checking it out now...
@@wendyburgess5805 it is a spectrum. If you are worried about it, you are propably not a narc
A Narcissists kryptonite is you being aloof and using ambiguity.
So true! My husband is this way with a Narc family member .... unknowingly! And it works.
A narcissist's kryptonite is the undeniable TRUTH. They will run and hide under the rock they came from... Good luck everyone
Isn’t this way how the narcissists are at times..aloof and unclear what’s going on in their minds?
My husband died last night. I feel so weird. Free, happy to get to heal now, sad, grieving his presence even?! I know I will go through the grieving process, been there many times in my 60 years but never with a love hate relationship person. I'm watching Dr. Les over and over! really helping
I hope you find peace, Michele.
Michele. "It's A New Day".
☮️✊
To those dealing with a narcissist, just walk away and disconnect, Condition your mind to let that person not exist in your world.
Well said... but how when its your boss at work?
It’s so hard… he is my son.
I done it with my husband , ignore, ignore and ignore.
Works so well and we live in the same house still.
He is invisible to me in the home.
I carry-on every day and live my life for me.
No more supply from me.
The “whatever” word effect is so true
I said that to a narcissist recently and they replied
“oh that’s so immature”
I replied “glad you feel that way”
They were furious lol 😂
Saying whatever to anyone who has not had time to grow spiritually would not make them happy. Not every doctor knows their stuff just like any other professional there are some that sleep walk through their carrier so be careful who you listen to. This Doctor seems to be speaking different about a Narcissist then Dr. Ramani. I liked her description of the different traits which quite a few matched my kids mother. Doctor Carter seems to be describing a Male with a huge Ego.
Seems to me, it would start an argument. Which is what they want.
So say, WHATEVER? And then nothing else? Please help
@@sarahdorsey1174 it does, but I need to know what to say and do after I say Whatever. Because he laughs at me. No sex, and I love sex...about to have to do a him to him
@@JoeyLocig I'm with you. I don't think he understands the phenomenon like Dr. Ramani. Saying "whatever" to the narcissist I know would be setting yourself up for some serious retribution
I got this from another channel- Narcissists are emotionally untrustworthy. Proceed accordingly...
Number one word they hate:
GOOD-BYE
Love your videos! Keep posting and keep helping people.
They love goodbye, because they thrive on drama, and they will make sure you won’t be able to leave without great consequences for yourself ofcourse
So best to grey rock them or no contact has been the best for me. Why waste your time?
"Goodbye" is the real word they hate.
Exactly! 😊
I haven't got mine to this day
Yep!! Can’t stand that you’re unimpressed and able to resist them.
Whatever you do, in any relationship: always have an escape plan
I was able to leave, but God made a way for me. He has gas-lighted my kids and now my two oldest do not speak to me. I have not seen my only grand baby because of this man. We were married for almost 25 years. He can’t stand that I not only have made my own life, but thrived! I now have three degrees (He always told me “I am the smartest person you know”. I graduated Summa Cum Laude in the top 10% of my class with a dual Bachelor’s degree.) I have a decent house, and a good job. He never saw any of that coming!! Sometimes you just have to go live your best life despite them!!
No. Children hate that word. Narcissists are just overgrown spoiled children.
@@nd612 More like age 6. I know a few 11 years olds who are far more emotoinally mature than narcissists.
I totally agree. The narcissist in my family is known as the VERY spoiled sibling in our household. She is spoiled and immature.
I hate to say it.. but, my 11yr old stepdaughter is probably the most sociopathic, narcissistic person I've ever met. It's sad really..
Nope.
Rich G.
You hate to say it, yet of all the things you say...
I think we all know who the *real* narcissist is.
And this is why after 20 years of being married to a narcissist and being divorced 8 years now I remain alone.
I am 80 yo and divorced since over 30 years ago. and guess what ? alone since and alienated by the narc from my only child. It is obvious by now that something in our society was breeding since longtime. Perhaps Sam Vaknin is right: the NPD's are the first carbon copy of AI, a welcome to digital times and a Goodbye to depth of life...
@@PrismosPicks I'm not sure if your encouragement is directed for me however I do thank you for the time you took to put forward the content of your message. I'm french and live in France where Covid made actually more ravages psychologically than physically. I always felt that biological immunity has something to do with the deep down felt sense of inner identity. Anyhow, it is too long to be developed here but has something to do nowdays with the phenomenon of sheepeoples being led...As a nation we are at the moment in an utter mess.
No joy springing from the sovereign selves to be found anywhere... at this moment. Love and peace to you K. Miller.
Me too EX narcissist left 10 years ago…I’ve been alone since…don’t trust another man ever again…never…I’m happy alone
That's not why you're alone.
@@PrismosPicks That is a ridiculous thing to say and dangerous "information"Covid times are far from over as the spike in the population shows.
If you don't control your life others will control your life. It all starts by knowing what matters in a relationship: mutual respect.
The parallels between the narcissist and the addict are startling.
Yes, indeed. Dr. C
try dealing with a narcissistic meth addict
YOUR REACTION is their NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY.
THIS 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼
SO true Catherine 👌🏼
yee-up, rather right or wrong, your wrong!
No reaction can be huge challenge and consuming our day or night too, but only temporary, after a day or two calmth will return the walls are restored. The good feeling of conquering the temptation of showing our pain and frustrations.
Selfcontrol is underestimated it can be very hard to not express your annoyance, hurt feelings or anger for example when they ignore you in a delicate moment or situation.
It's hard to think of other things when the narcissist is drawing your negative mind attention.
It's like they are pulling with magnetic powers and that force can be very strong until we go no contact 100%.
@@nd612 Hi, I read your comment carefully and when I read 'brothers and sisters' an old dance hit came to mind had to look it up but could not find it. However I found this song and somehow I feel like sharing with you you. It made me smile and touched my heart, freedom and joy for the genuine brothers and sisters in this world.
Hope you like it, the dancing man made me smile 🙂❤️
Narcissists are walking knives to hurt us anywhere they can bc they hate life, confidence, innocence and purity!
Hope you have a very nice weekend.
ua-cam.com/video/52GkOh8G2N8/v-deo.html
I decided to leave my narcissistic husband. I’ve had an awakening and I finally see him for what and who he is. You have helped me more than you can imagine!!!! I pray for strength through this!
Be safe, Lesley. Get a plan. This is a dangerous time for you, so be aware.
Wishing you all the very best for the future :-)
Good for you, Lesley!! I had no idea that there were people like this in the world, until it happened to me (my husband left me, almost 3 yrs. ago, without warning, and never even gave me a reason). I thought I was with a good, decent, caring person, for the past 23 years - and he always went out of his way to help me with anything I needed - and I did the same for him. He was NOT who and what he pretended to be all these years! I'm sorry to learn that your husband is a narcissist, and that you've had to uproot your life, and I wish you all the best in the future as you settle into your new life!!
Thank you!
Be safe, Lesley. I'm a man who left a narcissistic wife (who had a narcissistic mother and father) and I can tell you the most dangerous time is immediately after you leave a narcissist/abuser. Have a plan in place.
What kind of plan are you guys referring to? Call you give some specific examples?
A person would rather be fooled than admit they are a fool.
Confucius
The best response is no response and laughing and smiling at them. Give then so little attention that they burn under their own matter
I had the shit kicked out of me for doing that. Finally after 13 years I left with my children
When these people ask a question that is none of their business, say " why do you want to know?"
Or what has it got to do with you works too x
Or “I’m wondering why you would ask me that?”
I find it funny that they don't care about you at all and constantly try to make you miserable but they have to have total control over you and even though they don't want you they don't want anyone else to have you either it's just that they are so crazy it's unbelievable
I was dating a pig for six months. He expected things from me - steaks, pizzas, cookouts, gifts, etc. - but did very little for me, and threw it in my face that he's done plenty of things for me and "don't forget it." Changing a light bulb hardly constitutes 'plenty of things.' When he finally couldn't verify his lies he began his personal attacks and said I act like a queen of the neighborhood and none of the neighbors like or care about me. I was wondering why the neighbors and his roommate wouldn't even say hi. He had been trashing me to everyone, all single guys, and trashing them to me to make sure each of us would have negative vibes towards each other & wouldn't date. I don't know if he's a narcissist, but he certainly is a very disturbed, two-faced hypocrite. I dumped that POS quickly.
Not quick enough if U put up w/that shit for 6 months! LOL! -glad U wisened up when U finally did tho!!! 😱👍😊🙏🌞
Good for you I had people who would step in front of you and take over the conversation you were having with someone and turn their back to you and act like you don't exist how ignorant rude and self absorbed is that!!!!!
(Applause !!)
oh yeah, causing conflict is their favorite sport
He certainly sounds like a classic narcissist. I’m glad you got rid of him. You definitely deserve better.
My father being a narcissist really messed up my mental development. He always argues, invalidates my feelings, neglects me, holds double standards, no boundaries, it's a terrible way to treat your child. I don't trust anyone and have mental problems from it.
My narricissic mother always said to me "Look what you've made me do!" I always believed everything was my fault and still struggle with self blame.
Without realizing it she was actually saying, "I have no mind of my own." But I doubt she'd be self-aware enough to acknowledge that. Dr. C
Me too. Same. I felt I was responsible for her happiness
@Val Venus Seriously? ???
@Val Venus what?
I'm the same. I learnt later in life that if I said nothing they can't get to you because if you don't reply there's dead air. The conversation then fizzles out.
My narcissistic mother would always "Whatever" me whenever I said something she didn't agree with or thought was silly, even if it was something really important that mattered to me. They might not like hearing it, but they sure don't mind using it to hurt you or make you feel insignificant.
Absolutely! They can dish it out, but can't take it themselves!
I agree. My birth giver told me she doesn’t want to hear about my problems I’m going through or what I have to say. She completely ignores me when I’m talking, look at me in disgust, start a conversation with someone else, walk away or say “whatever”
@@honeyinnerg6300 what an unbearable pain that must have been and lonely...
No one can make anyone hurt or make anyone feel anything that they don't allow them too. The bible says t trust god, not man because what humans are capable of. I would rather trust in Jesus whom does not lie and is good and love.
Now I understand... my ex boyfriend would tell me that I love fighting with him. I was like “what? I hate this! I don’t want to fight with you!” Now I know that he was projecting his own feelings. He loved to fight with me. So sad..
Yep. He enjoys it.
Oh, dang...I live this every time there is a riff.
I've studied narcissism in my work as a divorce mediator, and discussed this topic on my podcast THE Amicable Divorce Expert. So I loved the question posed in this video. I would have said "No" would be the one word a narcissist cannot deal with, but "Whatever" seems to be less harsh and more confusing to a narcissist than "No". I appreciate this lesson today, Thank you..
So pleased. I'm sure you've run across the problem of narcissism many times over! We need a voice of reason in that difficult transition time. Dr. C
I honestly love your posts and always enjoy reading them in my lonely spare time. I'm so sorry I invaded your privacy, but I'd love to be friends with someone who could share such sensitive post content, which means you're a woman of integrity. I wanted to add you but sending you a friend request without your consent is inappropriate because I'm a public figure and it wouldn't take much either, I'd appreciate it if you send me a friend request now so we can be friends and text better here on UA-cam
My ex goes into fits of rage any time I say no.
I say “OK” a lot!! 😂😂 Not in agreement, just in acknowledgement that that’s how they think. Followed by a facial shrug 🤷♀️🤣👍
“Whatever” is the polite way of saying FU. And they don’t even know it. 😄
I find a fist works best violence shatters ego's like nothing else and fear will keep pricks and bullys at bay and yeah I'm a small bloke silence keeps people guessing
So right thumbs up
😂😂😂😂😂 Yes!
'Wateva'......😂
I'm tired of being sworn at
I’ve got a better word, instead of whatever how about goodbye
They are so in love with themselves that they can’t truly love anyone else.
Yet, they also subconsciously despise themselves.
There is a gaping hole of need for love and control in them that can never be satisfied because they can’t provide it for themselves.
They actually don’t love themselves and because of this they are unable to love others.
@@sassyboy8979 bingo! They are actually just super insecure!
Fact
"Whatever" would make my ex-husband absolutely unhinged. Especially if I said it with no emotion. Then every drop of vileness within him would spill out of him. One attempt after another to try getting any kind of emotion out of me. It always ended with, "You just don't care. I don't know why I keep trying." He's nailed this one perfectly.
I would have told him “no I don’t 😃” lmao 😂
Narcissists use 'whatever' a lot too.
Very true. As soon as I read that, I heard his voice say it and knew it was familiar. Not that that makes any difference to it being a word they cannot stand to hear ...directed at them. The narc I know and somehow love uses it to dismiss a truth he doesn't want to accept but is unable to effectively deny. In fact it could well be 'it's quite hypocritical how you get annoyed at me saying whatever - x example - but use it all the time yourself - y example.' pause...'whatever' Laughs at own 'humour' but we both know not really a joke.
Giving them a dose of their own medicine. 😂
Then get into a nasty "whatever" verbal ping pong match with them. Whoever says the last "whatever" wins.
Wait thats a very narcissistic thing for me to say. 😔
As the former wife of a narcissist, I am very concerned that if I had said “whatever“ to him, he would’ve become enraged and could have become violent. You are right, it’s an extremely invalidating word and most likely a potent one to use on a narcissist in some cases, but in an intimate relationship with a narcissist who has vastly superior physical strength, I am worried that this approach could put you in danger.
Probably the only way to say it with someone like that is to have pepper spray, to be honest though, could you be happier with someone else, not threatening?, to just
love you for the woman you are, to be in love with you as well, no need to control or
be bossy? If he has to be violent to be a so-called man, he's got some issues.
Most likely A-hole is hated by many, co-wrkrs for 1. two things I'd say, a good alibi
and a guy out of Joisy. don't have life Ins. no motive in the law's eyes, mho.
If he is a beater...leave narcissist or not..dont look back, don't past GO, you can't collect $200. Just leave. I had to leave in the middle of the night like a ninja before. It's not worth it.
Your not wrong. If I ever said that to my brother the situation would become very volatile, he would spew a fire load of horrific insults and then flee before you could blink. He may even flip furniture or become physical.
@@MrsKimchula Same. But after years and years of being his spitting bowl, his mindlessly stupid supporter who would echo his obvious lies just because I wouldn‘t want an argument in the house, it has gotten me to the point where I couldn‘t take the shit anymore. He is someone very sick in the head. Making up lies as normal as drinking water, and if you dare mention it you‘ll have your entire life analized and criticized, humiliated at his pointing finger. It doesn‘t matter what it is, it must always revolve around how heroic he is to the family. He would set family members against one another, just for him to step inside and offer "advices" and become hero of the day. My brothers used to punch him right in the face. But with time, even they will succumb to the repetitive reframing that somehow he was the innocent victim. I figured reacting emotionally is his game he intended us to play. So while praising me and saying good things about me just enough to keep me on the chair while he critize the imaginary version of me in his head, I told him with seriousness in his face, "I don‘t care about your stories. You have absolutely nothing, nothing, except empty talks." He was furious, tried to get physical, wanted me to initiate it, but I dealt it as if dealing with a troubled kid. With slight sigh and head shaking, I am telling him I‘m not taking the bait. He went off to his empty house to cry. That was his very last friend, saying him to f..k off. I even asked him while he was leaving, "did your broken family ever teach you something? Did your colleagues leaving you ever tell you something about yourself?" He went off with absolute defeat.
I like to ask them this to their face:
"Why should I care what you think?" Then disconnect forever.
I have feared being a narcissist like the people who raised me. But after watching your videos it seems I have done so much to be the opposite that this is not something that I should fear.
• I prefer accountability. It means I have an opportunity to be proactive in finding a solution.
• The last thing I want from anyone is control over them. I love the people in my life exactly as they are and accept the level of connection that is mutually comfortable.
• I get excited for others when they win. I try to help them make it happen if I can.
Having survived a dangerous narcissist I wholeheartedly agree with this. Dominance and control is what motivates them.
Well.. just tried this on the phone with him. Started out so pleasant then he lied about restaurants re-opening that were not. I tried to tell him..but he always has to be right and when he is..he says "Told ya!" Ugh. I then said " "You are so full of yourself you could provide fertilizer to at least 1/2 the world's farmers". He got quiet..I hung up and blocked him.
Tammi, I love it! 😂😂.. Girl, you think on your toes! That was plain hilarious! I don't know how many times I tell my covert husband he's full of himself!
Will you let me use that ? ;))
For years, I was married to a narcissist and I knew nothing about this type of person. What I eventually came to realize was that he was CRAZY! It was pure hell living with him! The only reason I stayed was because of our 4 children. I didn’t want to separate them from their father so in a sense I became a sacrifice until finally one day it had to end after 20 years of marriage. Our youngest was 10 yrs old at the time. I just couldn’t wait for her to turn 18 before making a move. I was a wreck and my mental state was a deep concern. After convincing him to leave (which was difficult) we separated with him thinking it would be for no more than a year. 😉 After the separation laughter and a sense of peace filled the house! One day, while the kids were all having a good time, I asked my middle daughter (she was 15 years old at the time) are you okay with your dad not being here living with us? She said, “YES, you should have done this a long time ago. We hated the way daddy treated you, and us. We are much happier now!” 🤦🏽♀️ How wrong I was to stay for all those missable years thinking it was the best thing to do for the children! 😩
We divorced back in 2005 and I never looked back! He’s tried several times to come back and even asked to get remarried! 🤣 What a complete joke! …😡 Yeah right dude, return to hell after being set FREE! 🥳
Moral of the story, “don’t stay with a narcissist for no reason! Be safe and plan an exit! They will only break you down and suck the life out of you while feeding their deeply imbedded flesh eating monsters! All my children are well pass grown now and not one of them are married. I can’t help but to think had their father left a lot sooner, would things be difference?
……PROBABLY SO!!!
One of my favorites is "sucks to be you" when they're incessantly complaining :)
Yep! Dr. C
I once heard it put, "It must be miserable living inside of your skin." That kind of makes it clear to them that YOU aren't miserable living inside YOUR skin!
Wish I'd known that one too late left the *** 3 weeks ago .
@@susansheldon2707 Oh,those would be fighting words which is why I no longer have any contact with the person.
What about them using those words.. "you make it hard for yourself" when you try to keep distance to have your hed above water. So you rather walk then to take a ride with them.
I've met Dr. Carter before, and hands down he's the best counselor I've ever talked to. So happy to see him online!! Much love!!
Thanks Jill! Dr. C
"Whatever" is perfectly suited to screwing up the wiring of the narcissist. Delivered flatly it constitutes a vagueness, a grey area that offers no supply. They are left to shadow box with themselves. Thank you, Dr. Carter.
When I can't safely say 'whatever' I give a subtle little shoulder shrug. That often ends things because I'm no longer any fun.
I also find that saying "you may be right" with a shrug confuses the narcissist so much that they stop the raging.
It can also bring about a Narcissistic rage, just beware.
@@gloryngod Exactly!! That would have been the trigger for no peace for days!
I can’t tell you how many times my husband has said ”you won’t let me finish my sentence!”
This was a great video. I broke up with a narcissistic boyfriend 5 years ago. He just contacted me telling me how sorry he was for being an ass, how I was the best girl ever and wants me back. I almost fell into it but 2 days later after some wonderful texting he starting picking at me purposely irritating me. When I asked him nicely to stop cuz it's hurting my feelings, he said im too sensitive and started blaming me claiming he's not doing anything! I am so glad it ended right there and didn't get sucked into that relationship all over again! Whew! Close one!
Good for you!!❤️
They can NEVER maintain that sincerity. Wait them out and they will always show their ass again. Great for you!
@@devitaiyomoyo7387 I like your choice of words. That is a great way to describe it. It's true they can only play that wonderful caring person for so long before the true colors come out. This guy even actually said to me during our conversation about the possibility of getting back together he would "only kiss my ass for a couple days"! What a strange thing to say. I thought in my head "And then what?" That's exactly what steered me in the opposite direction!
Good for you!
@@susanreiss1112 thanks!
I am going with the word No, this is something my narcissistic mother can not stand
Stacey Ness, you're absolutely gorgeous 💓💓❤🌹and I will be glad to know you
Stacy Nese,You don't need such people in your life!!
I made the mistake of saying "whatever" not long ago. HUGE mistake. I would not advise saying it to a narcissist, especially if you know they can turn violent because saying whatever is going to light the fuse like nothing else. Stay safe out there.
Beat them thrash them so hard that they dont look in ur eye again.
Evil monsters
I agree. One has to weigh it out individually. We know them better than they know themselves.
Yes, "whatever" is dismissive of their feelings and/or infers they are stupid or ridiculous. A very dangerous thing to say in my experience as well.
@@shubhisharma4261 beat them? Whatever...
I agree. A better response would be, “I am sorry you feel that way.” You have acknowledge their feelings but not giving in to the demand.
Dismissing a narcissist with a simple "No" or "Whatever" is dangerous and can lead to them being so angry that you will be physically harmed. Actually even staying silent evokes anger. 34 years experience in a destructive marriage.
Not all narcissists resort to physical violence. That's too obvious for them.
Best is to exit FOR SURE! Don't waste your time & be exausted! Exit ANY way you can, quickly!
Ym fg: You're walking on egg shells. You just said there Will be an explosion no matter what. God bless you in your courage to be free!!!!!
GTFO: Get the fuck out!!!!× You can't change another person, only enhance yourself
Yes, the best way to deal with them is to leave. Otherwise engaging with them on any level is a waste of one's life and energy.
"Whatever" sounds like a dangerous game.
I agree. It may escalate to a beating.
This.. If you like being alive, dont use that word.
A sociopath would black out and rage, and not in any normal sense of the word.
*When Moron TALKS SHIT in MY FACE, I Give them the ToTaL HATE Treatment!!!!*
*"You are a Communist, you shouLd Go to Russia!!!! (as ExamPle)*
It also sounds bad when they quote you to a 3rd person. If you are in a work setting and they tell a supervisor that you said whatever it makes you sound like the bad guy. I just agree with them but not give them what they want. Then they cant quote you or they will sound stupid because you sound so agreeable.
depends on the tone of voice you use, the emotion you add to it and your body language. if everything is in neutral/low key you are safe, if you let any of the 3 above three creep into the word you may be asking for touble
The anthem of the narcissist:
"What's good for me is good for you because it's good for me."
The antidote: "Goodbye."
PERFECTLY said, Frank.
@@kate4kanini True and if you render it as "KMA" they'll be uncontrollably infuriated at being unable to figure out the acronym because of their extremely limited two dimensional thinking.
@@OmniGuy Thanks Just speaking from experience.
And I guess that's the same reason I understand it so well. Wanna grab a beer?
@@OmniGuy We can do so virtually and vicariously due to this damn pandemic 🤪👍