One Question That Sets Up A Narcissist's Collapse
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- Опубліковано 7 чер 2024
- There is not a soul alive who is immune to hurt and disappointment. Dr. Les Carter explains the need to come to terms with our inner struggles and he reveals one question that illustrates why the narcissistic pattern is destined to collapse.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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Never ask a narc to explain a lie unless you want to hear more lies.
Good point.
Now that’s the truth! 😂😂
That's true it gives them an idea to get to victimize themselves. Never care about their opinions or ask them about anything that's their way of thinking they can get control
This video is about pain management why are there comment about narcs in this comments section?
There is nothing more true than this
There is no question to ask a narcissist. They're incapable of genuine communication.
That is true - however, they manage to communicate their intentions, don’t they? They can communicate. It’s just a one-way street. Maybe one complicating factor is their fear of others. It’s complicated. They are an emotional irrational mess.
I asked my narcissis once, how old is her son. Her answer was: I can't remember.
I don't think that's true, though you may be right when you say genuine communication
You can spy and interpret their actions to gain insight into their internal state, but getting an honest answer may be difficult without manipulation which I don't reccomend.
@@arnavrawat9864 Even if you manage to get what *you think* is an honest answer, they'll just deny it 5 minutes later. Or worse, they'll deny ever having said it, 5 minutes later.
@@glassjester I dont think you got what I was talking about.
If you treat narcissist as a lying machine who lies according to certain rules, then you can use their utterances to figure them out.
The problem with narcissist is people expect them to be like normal people, and be genuinely honest.
It doesn't even need to be the truth, you just notice what they say and how they lie to figure them out.
If a narcissist says "You always do this! You hate me!"
When you try to setup a boundary, they are indeed telling you something. They are communicating. They're telling you that they get angry when you point out their flaws.
You just have to move focus beyond their words, and see what they mean instead of being waylaid by their attempts.
I know the question I want to ask all of them is "who the heck do you think you are?" because they really do think they are something special, don't they lol. It's beyond ridiculous the level of entitlement they have. They honestly think we were born just to sit at their feet in wonder and amazement, telling them how great they are while being happy with crumbs. It's just insane. You have to laugh at these people or they will make you go mad!
@@nicolesaulas look inward
My husband is a wee man, who looks in the mirror and sees a big man looking back at him
So so true spot on
I like to get a bit cerebral. When I ask such people "who are you?" I keep asking them to break it down for me. I get all kinds of insults hurled at me, but sometimes they tear themselves apart due to them never having introspected. When all you are is a facade, an image, a projection, then can you really say you are anything at all?
@@nicolesaulas I wonder where she got that from. You…
Pain brings out the evil in narcissistic people. They become more vindictive and hateful. It's an endless cycle of emotional immaturity. You grow when you let go!
Someone has to take the blame for it and it's not going to be them, ever.
And all the pain, even if the consequences of their personal choices is because of others as far as they are concerned.
@@pamelalaws3644 They are constantly on the lookout for scapegoats, and if you are an empath, who is in their vicinity and they can project their pain and toxicity onto, you'll do. They even get the bonus of seeing you hurt from their unjust and poor behavior.
The question is "How would YOU manage your pain"? forget about the narcissist!!!
It's taken me 5 years to finally walk away from Vulnerable /Covert Narc.
I'd experienced an overt narc in my marriage when young so I wasn't primed for the deviousness & insidiousness of the Covert. Funny thing though, very early on I got bad vibes but didn't listen to my gut.
I had to go on a self discovery of therapy over a few years to learn who I was and why I was so passive.
All sorted now & I actually laugh at the blatant signs I see with him now. It's a wonderful feeling, loving and believing in myself. Like I've been awakened and realise I'm bloody great. 😅😂🎉
I've never known a narcissist to accept they have a problem, or care what they do to other people, even if it is carefully explained to them. To accept that would mean it was their fault.
Their walls of defense are very thick.
@@SurvivingNarcissism maybe so, but they're so fragile, they'll crumble if confronted. (Another one of their Lies. boo hoo hoo 🙄).
So true 😊
My ex narc boyfriend contacted me 2 months ago trying to hoover me back in. Promises, love bombing, etc. when I told him "no, nothing but trouble", he comes back at me saying all of my "personalities" were nothing but trouble. I had to laugh, then I asked him, "if my personalities are trouble for you, why are you trying to hook back up"? At least he told the truth when he said "some bedroom action" lol! I told him No thanks 🤢
They turn your words into theirs right back at you like you didn’t notice. They are smarter than you because they mock you. Their ideas are better than yours because they stole them from you. Head Games on a roller coaster ride = Insanity.
You can’t ask a narc anything they just scream at you for hours
OMG! Exactly! The more yrs i was with him, the worse he became! Pure evil!
I know one of those.
Since the narcissist is always upset, angry and mad at you for no apparent reason or for anything you actually did to them, all you can do is remove yourself. So you can avoid all their negativity and you can gradually find peace in your life. You cannot fix someone that doesn't see themselves as the root problem to their interpersonal problems.
Silence is something a narcissist can't handle because they look for your actions to figure how to react to get what they want. Be yourself but you don't have to tell the narcissist your life issues as they only use them against you. So protect yourself. Use boundaries.
So true! This is the only way one of my in-laws can function; stepping over boundaries and sharing the latest drama about someone and using any perceived weakness against that person as a means to connect with people or feel important. I just stopped talking (my impenetrable boundary) when I discovered she was using events in my life to get herself attention via judgment/gossip, and voila, less drama from the narcissist because she has one less person to use.
@@danaa7345Gosh. You should avoid them at all costs! Does your husband recognize this behavior, and frown upon it too?
Yes! Silence, is literally golden! And I smile and walk away, because I know what they never will, and I have what they will never have!
So true!
Extinction is one of the strongest reinforcers . Narc's depend on attention and not receiving attention by extinction will stop them .
Their pain can come from unsuspected places. In my experience, they feel threatened when they interpret a simple, everyday comment as an attack. They go into a blame shifting mode and try to convince you that you imply things about them that were not on your mind at all. It's like they can't trust your intentions. The same thing happens when you try to discuss problems. You get it right back at you. They take no time to reflect on their own role, but start blaming you. It's impossible to have a constructive conversation about the relationship.
You get it, Anita.
Yes!!! Like oh looks like we gotta clean up the kitchen etc. major blow out turned into 3 day argument. Apparently he heard, you better clean up these fishes right now!!🙄🙄🙄
That's because it is ALL them attempting to manipulate - they have to conceal who they truly are at ANY cost. I believe they may have some superficial ability to reflect and think about what they're doing, but it is limited. They can't take criticism and so have to make whatever it is, 'your fault'. I met my first narc a few years ago and was amazed at how they can even deny they said something that they said just a few moments before! It took me almost two years to lose the fear and self-doubt this person caused for me personally, over a similar period of time, and I am a strong-minded person. Lying, deceiving, manipulation and slandering the victim is part of a narc's 'arsenal'. It's a game to them and the suffering and confusion they cause is simply amusing to them.
Oh My Angel! Every word you wrote is truer than true! They take no accountability for anything they do. But, when you hit the nail on the head of what they did, they will respond loudly and with anger. "HOW DARE YOU!!!" is a good example. They have no idea that they just told you everything you needed to know! It's maddening to have to deal with them all because you love the person with them! It's sad to have to stay away as much as you do because of them, but if you don't, they will cause more frustration in your life. Only a few know what they are really like because they are "sweet" around most others and to you when those same people are there with you. It's sick!
Yes!! My experience exactly!!
How to manage a narcissist: don’t be any where near them. Cut ties. Have nothing to do with them. If that’s not possible… figure out a way to make it possible.
Amen
Sometimes there's no way to keep distance. No where to move with high rents. I'm 73 n can't move myself. Family n friends far n few.
Your comment makes my pain worse making me the one who should ho.
@@nancycornell3413
I do not agree eith the coment above..it is not allways possible, it is no so easy..I have small children and would not make it alone..I chose to menage the situation inside me.I try do be indifferent to husbunds good and bad impulses.All.He is not the whole world😊
He make me suffer, but I grow every day stronger.I go to therapy too.Keep your distance(emotionally) and be happy❤
@@nancycornell3413 I feel you but put a plan on the works if it take 2-3 years plan to leave you deserve better
@@nancycornell3413They also have low income living. Please get help fasr
The moment I realised I was dealing with a child disguised as an adult, a lot of the selfishness, manipulation, inability to take responsibility for self, lies, oneupmanship, neediness etc - it all made sense. They have my sympathy, because it is such a miserable existence in my opinion, but from a distance!
Yes!!!!!.
My narcissistic mother, 96, is very similar to my feisty 5 year-old granddaughter😂😂😂
Except my granddaughter doesn't actually lie....
This is my room mate. A 50 year old man child. I have ZERO sympathy for him at this point! Zero f's given
The phrase I use over and over again with my biological father is, “Your behavior is understandable given your childhood trauma but it is unacceptable to treat me like you are because of your emotions.” It is my go-to when I remove myself from an abusive situation.
Thank you for sharing! Very wise communicative response to demonstrate empathy while maintaining (and reminding) your father of your boundaries
That's funny that's what my narcissists say to me when I defend myself. Me defending myself from abusive behaviour that's going on right now, today has zero to do with my traumatic past apart from having helped to create narcisstic children through parental alienation. My past is my business as is my healing journey and my children have no right to use my past as an excuse to silence me because they don't want me to pull them up for treating me less than human and beneath them
My adoptive mother was very controlling and impossible to please. My first wife of 26 years was a narcissist and now my second wife of one year has slipped into the same b.s. narcissist behaviors. Just this past 6 months it has really ratcheted up quite a bit. This time its different. I am a 26 year victim and aware of all the tactics used. Im watching very closely to see if this behavior intensifies befor deciding to end the marriage. When she makes demands I refuse then I take note of how she reacts. I cannot live in a relationship where I am always blamed for not doing something right.
@@Mike-ff7ib Ask yourself how you got into it again. What about you attracts this "type" or why are you attracted to them?
Great message! (Fwiw, The part of the phrase, "to treat me like you are" lacks verb agreement. It should be _to treat me like you _*_do._* )
Everyone should just run at the first signs. Don't waste your precious years.
I got accused of being abusive to my mother but when I asked "In what way was I abusive? What did I do or say?" They refuse to give me one single example.
sounds familiar. My "terrible" behavior was drawing boundaries.
Sounds very familiar. When I ask my partner for examples of the actions she accuses me of, she always claims “I don’t make lists, that’s what’s you do.” In response, I explain that I will not acknowledge her accusation. I don’t feel entitled to make baseless accusations against her so neither should she. Then she transitions to “well that is how I felt…” to which I reply “sorry, not good enough.” I can see her little fantasy shift into confused anger when I block her into this corner. Over many years and falling from her grace, she is starting to see this dynamic “burning from the inside out.”
When I was accused of being a bully by my narcissistic next-door neighbor in my apartment building, I asked her "Why do you say that" She replied, "You looked at me." Seriously, they will always make it your fault. This neighbor calls everyone a bully and accuses them of being evil, the two things we all see in her and so does she probably. She has made her viciousness push others to find another place to live. Unfortunately, I can't afford to move and I live just a mere footsteps away and always look out my door peephole before opening it and going into the enclosed hallway for my daily walks with quietness and a lot of anxiety from fear of running into her. She will also call me a bully for not speaking to her. I have learned the hard way what a narcissist is all about and her rage is to always accuse. I have over the past 7 years learned to ignore/avoid her but inside, I tremble, always and I wonder if she would escalate to violence against me because she can no longer control me. The doctor in these videos is absolutely aware and astute when it comes to the narcissist in your life, past or present. He is spot-on. I have experienced everything with my large, intimidating neighbor he speaks of. Management lets her control all residents in this place and most of us feel like we live in a prison cell and the narcissist is the warden.
😂😂My mother always replies "You know just how to press my buttons, don't you."
“When was the last time you were wrong? When was the last time I was right?”
That's special 🎯
Oooh, this is 🔥 spicy 🔥, tastes like healing.
That is nice!
Mine didn't like me telling him "why don't YOU take responsibility for your own actions/inaction"?
This is actually a really good one. It challenges their blame game. Especially the inaction part.
@@jordanferguson2254 he would procrastinate so long before he would actually try to correct his error, I called it avoidance, that he could take the victim role and claim he "was gonna".
@@SendItForward yep I was just gunna do that.
@@amandaliverpool3374 🤣🤗
Gaslighting.. UGG 😵💫😳 stay true to you 🌹
Adversity doesn’t create character, it reveals it.
Brilliant ❤
Adversity reveals who we are at the time we went through it.... it also gives us the option of learning FROM the adversity so that we can evolve into a higher version of who we are.
Yeah James Lane Allen would probably appreciate attribution since he said exactly that. Character is a MARK, the opposite of genius.
@@IAm-qf2xb I had no idea about the originator of this quote. Someone said it to me in 2015 after I had lost my wife. I have never forgotten it and it is resonant in so many situations.
@@adverts1 But you posted it VERBATIM.
You thought it was really clever.
But you didn’t bother to source it.
Then you justify with Fallacy of Pathos.
We all deal with pain, but what makes life hard is when the source of pain comes a parental figure who is hellbent on making life miserable for you. I know everyone's situation is different, but choosing to be a person of peace didn't work for long. In the end, no contact was the only way to go.
almost like you knew my ''mother'' ..
Just this morning I said how it's taken me so many years to allow myself to be Angry at her > Instead of myself. *angry at me for what she did .. smh ..
*she was killed in 1986 .. I don't miss her.
Same 👍🎉🙏
Parental narcissism is a special kind of torture! I feel your pain.
Bless you 🙏💖🌈🌟
Because narcissists do not know how to create peace within themselves! They haven't a clue! It's so very sad really.....it comes from within, is my experience, and requires letting go of all the drama! I broke with a boyfriend because of that! There was just so much drama.....I think maybe he had PTSD from his childhood with a violently abusive alcoholic father....oy! Feeling sad about this just now...for him....I broke it off and it is the 2nd best thing I have ever done for myself! Peace be with you all! ☮️🕊️🌿🙏
No contact is the only way to go. I left behind so much that was important to me, including a sweet outside kitty I took care of. But my emotional health is ultimately more important. Maybe one day I'll sneak by and get that kitty..
I love it when he goes into the silent treatment, It is so nice not to have to hear him or listen to him. Wonderful!
Exactly! He thinks it bothers me but I am like... finally!
It's sad that they choose darkness. Because of this they end up dying alone, and the only ones that attend their funeral, are the ones rejoicing that they are gone
It's important to remember that they didn't chose to be that way. They got all of their emotional limbs blown off by multiple emotional landmines growing up from narcissists around them. It's better to understand that they are emotionally disabled; you wouldn't get upset at someone with autism who acted out. The tricky part is that narcs are just as disabled as someone with severe autism, but they are lucid and can function, which is disorienting to a healthy person. Because of this, healthy people will get trapped within "striking distance" emotionally and physically trying to understand what's going on.
@@EnFuego79
They choose alright! They choose to act 'normal' to get people sucked into their game to begin with.
@@divergentone777 That is not an intellectually honest statement.
Id rather hammer nails into my own ears than try having a real and honest conversation with a Narc. They're the most infuriating, impossible people on earth.
that is what i thought as well....don't talk to them unless you want to be psychologically abused and tortured
My husband has never been through even a fraction of the pain and abuse that I endured as a child, yet he enjoys inflicting emotional pain on me purely for his own entertainment. As much REAL pain as I have experienced, I don't turn around and hurt others. There's no excuse!
Absolutely. The narc treats his/her victim as if they're just trash to be used.
Stop whinging and leave. You are in control of your own destiny.
You're right! There's no excuse. Why do you choose to endure that? I have heard that it's better to endure wrongdoing than it is to do wrong. I respect your forbearance in that aspect of things!
"Whining"? STOP BLAMING THE VICTIM! We have not lived together since 2009. He visits on occasion, and when he starts getting abusive, I make him leave.
@@ROBOTkw1 divorce then. The impression given was that you cohabitate still. Giving sage advice isn't victim blaming.
We can never at a personal way '' get back '' at them . I really realized after seeing this video , that the narcs make themselves eventually a real nobody by horrible things they have done over the years , let them mess themselves up , meanwhile live your best life 🥰
They are children with very low self esteem.
Once one realises that, tables are turned.
'Why' would they do any of these things. They don't like being questioned about anything. The answer is always abusive 😮
She tells half truths until she adds more to the story 2 months later, then deflects my dispute by saying she told me all details. Its beyond frustrating.
10:21 "Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing and that is your freedom to choose how you will respond to a situation."
What a great quote.
"I still have the privilege to choose who I am going to be"
"I don´t want to go into that place of contempt and hate and darkness"
Dr Carter, Thank you so much for remember us our freedom to be ourselves, even in pain.
The last of human freedoms is the ability to change ones attitude to a situation (paraphrase)
Mans search for meaning, Victor Frankel
Good job Doc !
Taoism teaches literally the same thing. Maybe look into it, it's full of philosophies that speak of self awareness and giving up trying to control things that can't be controlled. It really helped me in my situation
With freedom of choice comes responsibility
@@jammerjaw it's wonderful how we are given the tools to cope and overcome when we make the effort to do so 🙏✨
Dr Carter -
When I was praying today, I gave thanks to Jesus for you, for your knowledge, for your kindness and for the help you have given me. I know without a doubt that God placed you in front of me thru this outlet and He has saved me because of that. I pray God’s blessings upon you in abundance! Thank you for all the time you give, the professional insight & guidance and the love you demonstrate by helping so many of us who are damaged but are doing everything to survive and thrive! I appreciate you beyond measure! - Traci
Narrissist are dysfunctional and never-ending drama.
I've walked away from so many people with narcicistic traits, but overt and covert. Some are aggressive, some passive, some are both. I just cut them off, walk away and don't look back. My life has become so much more peaceful, as a result! It's taken time to get to this point, but it's been very worth it. I don't miss their crazy anymore, at all!! Including my ex husband! I'm married to my wonderful, normal, loving and kind husband now, nearly 17 years. I'm so happy to have found him!! ❤
In a world where too many cannot afford to access help, your channel gives hope help and validation to so many suffering abuse.
Thank you Dr C for being a steadfast, trustworthy therapist. Your words are like gold to a hurting individual.
Thank you, Wendy. I'm pleased to be on the path with you.
I agree!
Agreed, Wendy!
I was just thinking this and could not have said it better. Dr. Carter’s words are not only enlightening, but healing to the soul.
Spoken like a true Wendy!
I recently asked the narcissist when he was raging, " Do you act this way with everyone? I am sure you don't with those you work with?" He paused as if shocked, said "no" quietly. Then he smiled, and started acting normal, like nothing happened. I saw the collapse. It was then i knew he was a fake.
So strange they can flip so fast when you unlock it!! I've seen it myself and thats when you gotta understand the phoniness and get the heck outta there!
Mine have said:to you I can show my emotions , you are my wife.😂I said: I am not your mum to receive this.Throw this shit of your inner chaos on other people at work, or your mother, sister or " friends".Let see what happens 😂
I told him "You create your own problems".
I said, “If you were married to you, you would divorce yourself.”
I told her the same, and she argues she doesn't have problems. She doesn't think she has drama either.
Someone who says embrace the pain, is like someone who tells you to embrace the bullets from the gun that is pointed at you. They’re not the one under the gun.
I pity these kind of people,the narcissist,
they may have all that ordinary people do not have,
but they also have something in them that most of us would not even wish, their character.
Amen 🌹
Their *poor* character….morally deficient beings
No such thing as a conversation, it always becomes an argument and usually not about the topic of the conversation.
@@CynderRose-jv5ri let me rephrase she is completely nuts but we have been married 30 years. I didn’t understand what I was dealing with until I found Dr. C’s videos which no doubt saved our marriage and my personal sanity or boundaries as he puts it. I mostly ignore her outbursts and I manipulate her using a map in my mind of her neurotic responses. I love her.
we have taken such a long time to discover narcissists . they have done SO much pain, damage, and even death. If we have “discovered “ narcissism long ago, we might have prevented a lot of things throughout the centuries. Don’t you Agee?
Agree
100%!!!!
In summary: Narcissists do not meet someone half way while letting bygones be bygones. Nor do they behind closed doors want to respect the boundaries of others.
The problem I had with narcissists was: this was never a game, never ever a competition, but somehow it got manipulated into one and I lost! THERE WAS NEVER A GAME, but I ended up with really painful losses. Living in a situation like that now, due to financial strangle, and it turns everything into a bad day. Getting out soon, thank goodness.
You're not the only one. Divorced 8 years, still dealing with the lies and all the blame. It's really amazing
Getting out from under it is the only way to be rid of it, and regain your true self and self-worth. And, as my GP told me: Don't look back!
I’m Praying for my SON in the Grips of Evil & for all victims to be able to See the Truth! I’m always curious as to how Men, in particular… Started Seeing the TRUTH, but, always respect & don’t ASK!
🙏🏻💛🕊🍃
I GOT OUT.. SO CAN YOU GOD HAS YOU HEBREWS 13: HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU, IF GOD IS ON YOUR SIDE WHAT CAN MAN DO TO YOU.... 😊
@@wandajemison4166 YES! This Life is NOT ALL THERE IS! We are in the Middle of a Spiritual Test… Spiritual War! We Learn through Trials. I Believe that Each of us Chooses Exactly, WHO we are Supposed to be With for these Trials & the TRIALS/Challenges Are Specifically Tailored for Our Spiritual Growths! To add to that… I Believe that Our Spirit Also Chooses “WHEN WE DIE!” I have had Spiritual Information Revealed to Me… Through the Holy Spirit & The most Important of Which: “My Son, & I Volunteered to have His Wife as ‘A Spiritual Calling,” (there’s MORE. And he is not aware of that). So, I see things Very Differently! I Love Her & Pray for her Always! 🙏🏻💛🕊🍃
A question that challenges their behavior or threatens their carefully crafted false reality.
Narcissists look to those around them to manage their pain by eliciting sympathy & fawning. Or narcissists "manage" their pain of shame by doubling down on insisting that they are superior to others. Hurting others is what narcissists use to avoid the feeling of powerlessness of their own pain. Team healthy is willing to feel and process life's occasional pain and to learn and heal.
Yes and I also think that they live in a hierarchical mindset that we don't have. Everything is on a totem pole with them at or near the top. I view the world in a completely different way and shun competition and things that induce jealousy in others. We're just so very different from them, it's as if we're two different species.
“Your toxic, vicious venomous text messages are very cruel. The hatred and resentment you have for me is apparent. Please re-read my last text to you . I am trying to be kind and magnanimous when I say this-I hope you can find happiness and peace, I truly do. “
I received this response after I told the Narc to get off her high horse, & the only person she cares for is her self, other stuff….I spilled it all out to her after she said she couldn’t be friends with me anymore cause I didn’t drop everything to come to the ER… The ER doctor told her to go see her psychiatrist. She offered to pay my rent if I left my work to come there with her. Unbelievably ridiculous she text me in the middle of the night she couldn’t be friends with me anymore. I was like Thank You!!
DIGNITY, CIVILITY, RESPECT.
Narcs FIGHT AGAINST GIVING THESE.
Wonderful! And I have Dr. Viktor Frankl’s quotes as part of my email signature… "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom... Everything can be taken from a man but one thing, the last of human freedoms, to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ♥️♥️♥️♥️
That so resonates...thanks for posting this!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you for posting all you do! It helped to change my life and I am now a survivor of narcissistic abuse no longer a victim of something I knew nothing about.
Viktor Frankl’s quote is a result of his observations and experiences in a concentration camp in WWII. This quote has acted as a moral compass for me throughout my life but I will tell you Dr. C that so far the biggest challenges I’ve faced trying to keep this as my true-north has been while in the midst of narcissistic relationships where it seems normal/typical rules for respectful, civil human engagement do not apply… 🙏♥️💪
I am grateful that you started this community as it is so very needed in order to stop this epidemic of narcissistic behavior in our society and homes. 🙏
This is a perfect quote!!
Yes
Thank you, well put. 🙏🏾
Be around a narcissist long enough and you’ll see they have absolutely, positively no capacity for gratitude for any blessings in life. With my 86 year it’s poor me, who did me wrong, holding grudges and anger for someone who did her wrong back in 1952. Hate, anger, a need for revenge-it never ends. So badly you want to say to them “why can’t you just be normal?”
I want to know what the narcissist feels like when that bully- high floats away. When the narc feels like the hulk in their mind, but they walk by a mirror that exposes a little child in their under roos.
In the case of my little oblivious narc, when trying to shine a light on what's causing the latest "issue", you come to a slow realization that you're not shining a light to produce a meaningful, productive discussion in order to grow together, you are really just picking at scabs that they see as armor, and any growth producing conversation is DOA
My narc neighbor made a big point in showing his gun collection to select people. He pretends to be nice, but he's really a sociopath
Definitely avoid him
Or afraid.
A gun collection in of itself and taking pride of ownership is not psychopathology. Perhaps you did not elaborate more on why you feel he is a sociopath. Some of us collect guns, others coins, cars, stamps, antiques. It comes with a love of history for some of us.
@sunloverII yes and a Narcissist can use them for a point of pride and boasting vs the alleged psychopathy
My dad must be your neighbor. He should not have guns but so far has proven responsible with them. Before leaving the house, he straps on about six of them under his clothing. It’s really ridiculous.
We were once in a situation where he might have needed to take just one out. He ran and hid. It was wild. All those guns and hiding.
Once you realise you’re dealing with a narc, and it may develop slowly as they subtely extend their control, don’t persevere with them as there is no cure, just get them out of your life asap, even if it means breaking a relationship or leaving a job.
"Forces beyond your control can take away everything you posess. Except one thing. And that is your freedom to choose how you will respond to a certain situation." ❤
There is something bigger and better than the pain. There is love and transcendence.
Thank you.
I think Dr Bessel van der Kolk might have suggested that being aware of physical sensations in our bodies is the first step toward overcoming the impact of past experiences. Inspired by this idea, I've started tracking my bodily sensations to process insults and emotional abuse. Recently, after being insulted, I observed my emotions and noticed my tendency to engage in addictive behaviours like mindlessly scrolling the internet. Letting go of this addiction was challenging. When I identified the somatic markers associated with my emotions, the experience was incredibly uncomfortable yet enlightening. Despite the emotional and physical pain, I found it to be a valuable and transformative process. Moving forward, I aim to focus more intensely on my somatic markers and addictive behaviours, as I don't want to numb myself but rather feel alive in the present moment. I've come to realize that somatic markers provide crucial information-those butterflies in my stomach, for instance, are not signs of excitement as I used to believe, but rather warnings of potential danger, particularly in subtle situations.
This is an excellent suggestion. I have Dr. Bessel’s book.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk is my personal hero! Did you know that there is a sense that gives you those inner feelings? It's like a sensor for danger. It will make your heart beat faster, your stomach turn and so on. It's called interoception. Today, health science is finding more and more proof of its importance.
My blood pressure just lowered seeing Gus throughout this video. I'd pay big bucks just to sit next to him for an hour...so therapeutic!🥰
He'd like that.
I really enjoy laughing at Narcs.
I was raised by one. I know that they hate this.
Narcs need to suffer.
Lifelong learner in my 83rd year. Thank you.
Keep it going...I'm 14 years behind you!!
Dr C your words and knowledge have been so valuable for me. I’m married to a narcissist. I’m also 70 and am just plain tired. I can’t afford to live on my social security alone. I finally went grey rock in 2017 without even knowing or had heard of the term. It’s what keeps me in my marriage. I cannot do any online classes with you because he knows ALL that I do…. So I don’t hide things from him, only that I don’t love him anymore, that’s what I hide. My world is black and white behind closed doors. My only escape is when one of us dies.
You are not alone!!! I read extensively I do my artwork and totally cherish my time here with dr C - I am strong and I remain both happy and peaceful despite circumstances. I chose to be happy!
@@unconditionalloveberni4295
Very true! I simply choose happiness and do my own thing. I have many hobbies, I am an avid reader, and am an active senior within my community.
So yeah have created an ambient world for myself and am content with that
@@little-miss-happy these videos are a comfort. Feel peace listening to Dr.C.
@@kathyfoley397 we are for sure blessed to have so much knowledge and support from each other!
@@little-miss-happy for sure!!
I appreciate that a lot
Thank you! The more i delve into narcissistic traits and behaviors i can fully recognize what type of person 8vw been married to for the past 10 years. This information is giving me so much confidence that getting out is the only solution. The blinders are coming off and im happy i didnt spend another 10 years trying to figure it all out.
This is a 73 year old brother and he’s absolutely demented. His narcissism has gotten tenfold worse just in the last couple of months. Mean it’s not even close to description of his personality. This was a great learning moment. Thank you, Dr. C.
Thank you for your post. My husband, the covert narcissist is showing early signs of dementia. Life with him is getting increasingly more difficult.
I had the same experience with my NM. She just got meaner & more destructive in the last yr of her life!
My older brother is 60 and it seems he has gotten meaner. Thanks for posting. It's a warning to some of us and will help me in the future. I can't imagine how bad he'll be at 73. I don't plan to find out.
Wow sounds like mil she's going on 73 in sept
My mother's dementia is what made it impossible for to maintain her mask. This is when I finally began to understand how deep and profound her vindictiveness and disdain toward me, the only child who lives close enough to help her, has always been.
I have an attachment disorder and I shut down emotionally and have panic attacks under stress.
I find it impossible to function alone, yet I'm always stuck being alone. Oh the irony.
So you need someone to be in your presence or you can’t function?, same here. I get so stresseed and scared! I’m glad your functioning enough to convey a complaint! I mean expressing your authenticity😂😂😂😂
I’m stuck being alone as well,perhaps im a covert,malignant narcissist!!!
Oh the joy! Of being a narcissist and really owning it!!!!!
Dr Viktor Frankl 👍
The pain eventually goes away. Keeping yourself informed is also a part of recovery.
Thank you, Dr. C. Carrying on with dignity, respect and civility.
❤
Thankyou Dr C I needed this today
How shall I manage my pain?
I choose with Dignity, Respect and Civility.
Thank you, Dr Carter ☀️ ☮️ ❤️ 🐕
Wonderful!
My brother and I grew up in the same household just 2 years apart. He was "odd" from the time he could talk. I'm sure his cognitive skills would not have been sufficient to decide why he felt he had to constantly make fun of me, the older sibling. And I wasn't mature enough to ask him why he did that. He didn't develop narcissism - he was born with it. I "divorced" him just a few months ago; enough was enough.
Thank you Dr C. After years of being blindsided by a covert narc I can finally think of a happy future for myself because of videos like this. For so many years the thought of ending my life was in my mind the only way out of this. Now I know better. You and others like you have opened my eyes to this mental illness and have literally saved my life. Who knows how many other lives you will save by doing these videos. A single video was far more valuable than years of therapy for me. This information you are putting out is absolutely priceless. Thank you!!!!
Glad to be on the path with you!
"How to manage my pain?" This is an important question I must remember to heal from the trauma inflicted by the narcissists in my life, particularly my covert, narcissistic mother. Thank you, Dr. Carter for enlightening me with this question.
I choose and lean into love, gratitude,boundaries, self respect, empathy, transcendence and the bigger picture of life.❤
Love Viktor Frankl- his suffering produced incredible higher self stepping stones- to help so many of us - grateful for his work- AND- thank you, Dr. C. and Gus💝- for showing us where those stepping stones are- choosing gratitude and love- and finally self respect😔💝
Viktor Frankl 8 used for my theorist for my PhD. He's great
Great food for thought, thank you! Been married 35 years, and I married into a very narcissistic family system. And just over a month ago my 98 year old narcissistic mother-in-law finally passed away, but I'm still left with my husband's 4 narcissistic sisters who were always my MIL'S flying monkeys (still are). So I will always have to set healthy boundaries with them probably until the end of time lol. But I do my best to establish boundaries with them showing love & respect even though that's not what I'm getting in return from them. And my husband has been diagnosed with Alzheimers so his diagnosis has REALLY put me on the front line with them and stirred up their need for *more* control. But I do limit my exposure to their need to control his health decisions, and we're seeing an attorney next month to finalize my husband's wishes and 'without' their input. So much on my plate ... anyway, I love your channel and find that it's a safe place to share and find encouragement :)
Prayers sent up for your strength. 🙏🏾
I hear every word you say. My MIL also passed, but her 6 (#7 is not narcissist) children carry on her narcissistic legacy, especially 2 adult sisters of my husband, who supposedly (they say) has a “mild autism “ but he also displays characteristics of a covert narcissist. There is a family history of Alzheimer in husband’s family ( grandmother & father) and I see more and more forgetfulness in my 71 husband. It is scary to see how he confused his thought with my voice, for example. He supposedly “heard” me saying something I know I did not say. My attempts to be proactive about our aging but applying for a spot in decent retirement community with memory unit, got rejected by him, because “ too many old people live there.” I am an immigrant without any family of my own, so honestly I feel vulnerable vs him and his siblings, who are very influential vs my husband. Plus his loyalty is also has been to his blood relatives rather than his wife. He stated it more than once. Best wishes to you.
@@gorunsko31 Hugs to you! I understand the struggle and the challenges you face ... and even though your husband said that about his blood relatives the truth is his loyalty should be towards you. You are his first priority, and they come in second. I had to take baby-steps establishing this truth with my in-law's because they all treated me like I was invisible. 35 years later I'm a different person than the gal he married and I stand up for myself. And you don't need your husband's permission to set healthy personal boundaries for yourself ... you don't need anyone's permission to take care of your own personal space. Take care! xoxo
@@druchampion-payne1489 I feel your pain my mil is a covert narcissist and she's going on 73. She only deflects. She wouldn't even acknowledge a problem let alone taking ownership. I haven't spoke to her since 2021. I now refuse to see her or speak to her. My husband can talk to his mom though I can't stop him from having a relationship with his mom but she can't see my kids . Well only one because my oldest isn't her actual grad child. People like her want control and subservience. If you have any other feelings or thoughts that differ from them your disliked and on the outs. Every time you see that person they will make awful comments and make you sick when you know they are coming over. Uts not worth the sickness and mental un wellness it causes to deal with that person
@@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690 Oh I feel your struggle! Yes, that's exactly what I dealt with. Initially I started limiting my contact with my mother-in-law and she was SOOO insulted by that, but I eventually went no contact which really made her mad. She would say the cruelest things to me. She even tried to play match-maker during our 9th year of marriage with my husband's old girlfriend -- someone I think my MIL felt she could 'control' better. And our MIL'S get so jealous of us, on top of being narcissistic. And it was my husband's idea for his mom *not* to call me anymore. He is very passive, so for him to finally call her and tell her to stop calling me, to only call him, was HUGE for me. I was so proud of him. And I was going no contact with my MIL even without his help so he really surprised me, but going no contact made it easier knowing that I had his support. And currently I limit contact with my 4 sisters-in-law but eventually I will go no contact with each of them as well. It helps me having a plan that only I know about. Our mental health is worth it! Best to you dear friend :)
If I can get a second chance at this, I'd go with "Really?" Especially in a disbelieving way, this will likely frantic, double-down, as they try to convince you of something you are already suspicious of. That could bring about their collapse.
They always end up collapsing in the end in old age if nothing else...Due to making poor life choices for their entire adult life & all the bridges that inevitably get 🔥 down with no hope of repair😬.
When she gets haughty and lashes out at me, I say "seriously," nothing more or less, and it sets her on her heels every time. I dont do it often, but when the time is right, it is profound.
She is her own worst enemy and hell-bent on hurting me.
She really can't, though. But she never stops. There are no "new days" with a narcissist. Thank you, Dr. Carter that I have come to realize it is not me.
Woah tha k you for spelling this out. This is exactly what happens
@@chickennugget6233 Mine was an experiential guess. Dr. C spells it out on the vid stream.
@@sharenvierra5606
When you say "seriously," do you do it with a raised tone at the end like a question? or do you say it as if followed by a comma or period?
Growing up the only people who ever told me life is not fair were those deliberately being unfair.
The topic seemed to never come up around any other types of people.
I wish schools taught it early on. Because life isn't fair, nor balanced. Their is no right to entitlement. It would be healthier to grasp merit and working for goals , vs Disney, everything is fair and you get the prize.
@@joywebster2678 Most kids know life is not fair. The problem is seeing people that have the power to make it fair in whatever specific instance in play, deliberately take advantage of others using said power at that time.
That was and has been my only real issue with life and fairness or not.
@thecustodian1023 well I grew up believing good people,e would be fair and honest. Schools and churches and parents taught that. So I struggled with the unfairness I encountered I the same school system, family, and still say I wish they'd taught, life isn't fair, I'd have spent less time trying to figure out the hypocrisy.
@@joywebster2678 Good people are fair and honest. The sad reality of life is too many people in our schools and in churches are not good people.
I grew up in the 80's and 90's, and as with millions of other Gen Xers, figured that out the hard way and thus put a lot of distance between them and me and they have paid dearly for it over the years even if they didn't fully deserve it.
Likely why we are having the societal problems we are now. The good people just walked away and stopped participating thus letting the crap we have playing out now take it all over.
I agree...living in reality and awareness is a better approach! @@joywebster2678
I left the relationship with the narc and I am learning how to make better choices, to focus on my passions and treat others with respect. Something the narc could never do
You were in a relationship with a drugs cop?
@@Teenywing
Often people abbreviate the word "narcissist" that way. It can confuse readers, but on this channel, 'narcissist' is what they mean.
You know after 30 yrs of trying to understand why my husband treats me with all that Narcissistic crap and being in so much pain he's put on me, we are still married BUT I no longer communicate with him, I'm off doing my own things...staying out of the house...And every time he opens his mouth to say something.... I walk away because he never has a nice word to say to me.....sooooo no talking ...no eye contact.....not being in the same room.... is how I keep sane..
Just leave. Simple. Take control of your own destiny
I feel like a huge turning point for me was when I had to choose: their way, or my way. Both ways were incredibly painful, but one had the possibility of a better ending. I am glad I chose that one, and am following my own truth now.
Good point, I remember realising that years ago, their way the illusion continues, your way everyone from your past turns on you because you are the scapegoat and how could you stop being there for these people, you pretty much got to start from nothing again and move far away, and you have to understand it because when you get close to people going forward, they will judge you for not having connections to your past, and will make you feel bad about it, most won’t understand, so be prepared to build a life with plenty of judgement, but at least you know what happened.
The ones who DO understand-versus judge-will become your "Family of Choice." They will accept, respect, love, and enjoy YOU, as EXACTLY the person you are! It starts with selective friendship. Some of the new faces before you are friends...disguised as strangers.@@hipsonsogbo
Thank you ❤. I really believe that narcissists are here to put out our light, and turn us to the darkness. Its only when you stand in the light that you can overcome them. This battle has been going on forever. Like you said,byou must embrace the pain they xause,vlook for a reason why, abd always, always, stand in your truth. Light always overpowers darkness.
society and the churches shame people for exiting a sick social environment (Oh, its your mother, its your adult child...) The strong persist in their healing and learn that it is okay to leave adult babies in their own mess...they can change themselves, let society and the churches care for them. Let the dead bury the dead.
What a great closing description - A narcissist, someone burned out, from the inside out.
Very inspirational, Dr. C. The emotional immaturity is constant with them and they can get you going into the circle of nonsense very quickly, which they enjoy I might add! Am working on trying to walk away! You can try to explain your position to them until you’re blue in the face, and it goes nowhere! You can’t have a conversation with people who do not want to understand.
You get it, Laura. Keep leaning forward!
My grandaughters mom is a severe destructive narcissist that has no clue what she is. She just undermines and lashes out at everyone and everything all the time. It's exhausting
I love this thank you. I have recognised recently that my sister ‘dumps’ her pain on me (or others I am sure). It’s truly awful when it happens. After her last ‘episode’ it took me three weeks to recover. I can’t allow this to happen to me again. Learning to understand narcissism has been incredibly liberating for me and you have been an enormous part of that journey. Thank you 🙏
This is interesting to read. I also have to rejuvenate myself after any contact with my suspected narcissistic older sibling. It's amazing how much they can affect us and for how long.
I know the feeling, I've confronted my narcissistic sister and broken the bond, but now from a good source she 's saying that I was screaming at her,no way just confronted her, she didn't like it and told me to " shut up" that was the last straw as she had said that twice before so finished with her, not nice as she is my sister, but I was getting depressed as I worried she would do it again, glad I've cut ties. Also these type of people do not apologise at all ( they are not wrong, and that sums her up )..
@@raegen5618You should tell her that every time she is negative, you will hum. When she realizes how many times you've hummed, tell her you are no longer her sounding board for negativity. Come back when you have some good news. Otherwise your phone calls should end in a "lost connection", when she starts the BS! As an empath, I've dealt with this from so many friends. I slowly started eliminating them, and I feel a weight lifted off me! They are trying to keep you on a low frequency, so you can't ascend. Don't let them! My X nearly destroyed me. It's your soul that ends up being damaged!
I pain dump too but I feel that's from being abused and not so much narcissism. There's a fine line I think?
@@AG-nn8lp From a person who gets that ALL the time from her friends, try to be more self aware, and not do it, cause all your doing is transferring negative energy to someone else, and people have their own problems to worry about, without adding to it. If any of them are empaths, like me, they hold on to it. Most of the times we make suggestions, just to be shot down, cause the person wants to vent. They don't want solutions. I just recently purged 3 lifelong friends because I can no longer handle the negativity. Read the book, The Secret, or Neville Goddard's teachings. This helped me to be more positive, and understand why we shouldn't speak negative. It doesn't make you a narc. There's a lot more evil things that narcs do. Perhaps you should seek counseling, or watch self help videos on UA-cam. That's what I do.
One statement I’ve made that I have found my narcissist’s collapse is when I told them I was going to record them on video! 😂 This actually had them running like Forest Gump!
So Long as they're not prone to violence; the one I knew would've smashed the cellphone 😭
I did the same thing! My intention was to document how the private narc differs from the public narc. I was shocked by how fast the narc shut up and bolted. Of course as expected within a few days the narc tried to incite an argument reason then record me. They're like kindergartners, it's exhausting.
@@76482 everything I’ve done over the years in building the neuroplasticty of my brain I can ‘act’ like the narcissist and impose those same restrictions on him. I’ll play his game one last time and then it will be ‘game over’. I can spit shine that dusty armor sitting in my closet to bring it back out one last time for the fight of my life. A friend once said I reminded her of snake bowing up preparing to strike…. The spit in my venom I unleash and exercise completely out of my system to remove its toxicity once and for all.
@@ashton1952 when I was not at a point when I was in control of my own faculties I threw a huge watermelon on the floor of my kitchen I was so upset. Lol
@@ashton1952 I understand my own anger intimately. I told her she needed her rest and put her to bed. Every once in a while I hear her snore but hen she goes back into deep sleep once (s)nore. I mean more. :-)
Narcissists should be made to accept treatment or be removed from society, they make everyone around them suffer & that's abuse
Thank you, Dr Carter! Personally speaking, yes, I did question what could have possibly gone on in this person's life to create such pain for themselves and for others. I did get some idea of what caused it, but now I tend to focus on how I'm responding or reacting to their behavior and why that is the issue for me. The reason I do that is because narcissistic abuse has been a key player in my life and I have spent a great part of my life trying to figure this person out and very little on how I feel and what is going on in my head. I think that Dr Malkin spoke about this on his YT channel. We can get caught up in their behavior, their backstory and their issues and spend very little time working through our own issues and pain and why those feelings are really there, really causing distress. One issue that seems to crop up for me is my hypervigilance which has been the source of trouble in my life, The reason for that? The narcissist wanting to take all the energy out of the family unit in any way possible. The squeaky wheel. Now, I look at toxicity in a very different way. How do I respond to it? Why do I respond to it that way? What's a better way of responding, not responding? What was that trigger? And so on. This is my story. Everyone is different and has their own story, but maybe there's someone out there, like me who is hurting from years of damage and is trying to repair their relationship with themselves. Maybe you could create a topic around that, Dr Carter? Thank you so much for your help and assistance in our life.
Well said
My community can have peace , just read the comments of the suffering, they are on the right track, of peace for the whole soul of real peace, for our fellow woman
Wow I hope you can heal sometimes the best thing is cutting them out of your life
Yes please talk about this Dr C
This really resonates with me. Thank you for sharing. ❤
They dig through your belongings.
They sure do! They rip you open, investigate and experiment with your emotions, Ideas and behaviors. They are joy suckers.
Having lived with a narcissist I know the pain and damage they can do.
They see themselves as special, and entitled to special rules of life.
They crave applause and adulation
They see themselves as powerful and strong
BUT they are pathetic and weak. It is all a facade.
Eventually they completely collapse.
I saw the whole spectrum.
I've been thru a lot. I am blessed to have faith. It often takes a long time get thru pain. But I allow faith to surprise me. We're all human. I love learning. I've been blessed to know each pain has a gift. I learned to call it initiation and it helps my compassion grow and maybe even help another. Thanks for helping me remember.
My faith, too, has been what has gotten/is getting me through. When you begin to doubt that there is anything that can be trusted including your own sanity turning to something you believe is inherently trustworthy is precious.
You called it initiation...,well said. I've often thought of it as my baptism in hot water. Yes it makes us better people once we've worked through it.
That attitude gives Narcissists a pass.
“Why do you do what you do?”
The Covert Narcissist I know would not collapse by this question. He just would answer with a harsh voice, "I do not think, I just do!" or he would say angrily, "You are always asking a why!" But at the same time he would demand me over and over again, "You have to think about it. You have to think about it deeply!"
@@roxymovie3938 I hear you! Some other thoughts are, “You know I’m onto you, right?” “Why do you want everyone to feel like you do?”
@@tbunnyshy1 "Why do you want everybody to feel like you do?" is a very good question but I do not know if this would lead to a collapse although. I guess the Narcissist would sidestep or ignore this question. At least the Covert I mentioned, who was very demanding and telling me sometimes right away, "No discussion!"
Do you know the channel "Looking behind the Mirror"? This woman, not a professional, always starts with these words, "making sense out of nonsense", which makes me smile. For us the Narcissists are illogic, illusional etc. because Narcissists live by the feelings of the moment, which can change every moment, which makes them predictable unpredictable. I experienced this with my Overt Narcissistic mother.
@@roxymovie3938 Very true. My mother wouldn’t collapse at any questions. I am stumped and really looking forward to this video. Truth telling gets under her skin a bit but she will be on top and in charge til her deathbed (like her father unfortunately). Sometimes I feel bad for them, but the disconnect is how they refused to “clean their side of the street”. Why are we different? Blessed? Angels stepped in? Why are they stuck and how are we not like them after decades of exposure? I really am stumped!
@@tbunnyshy1 I hear you! We seem to have similiar family dynamics. The father of my mother was also a Narcissist and a real tyrant to his wife and children. My mother can't stand any truth, will get angry immediatly or ignore you totally. Unfortunatly she got dementia, which even makes the rage worse. This still gets under my skin. I am also stumped and looking forward to this video.
My sister (as my counselor tells me) is a huge narcissist. She has my mom, brother and 2 sons thinking I've done to her what she is currently doing to me. My daughter sees it, so I'm not crazy. My sister is wealthy, married. I'm single low income. I need help, she has convinced everyone I've done it to myself and need "tough love".
I HAVE NEVER....drank, smoke or drugs....only depression. I work, always have. I'm going to lose my home, my car engine blew, they think I should be able to fix things myself
When their incapacity to love is exposed, they must build a case to prove its because you are unlovable.
@@weltschmerski thank you.
That is the ultimate healing step, Dr. Carter, as you say--to decide to make your life meaningful in the face of the pain, and not devolve into revenge or vindictiveness. I don't think people can just "let go" of pain, but we can decide how we are going to react to that pain. Sure, we all have our angry and weak moments when we crumble into despair and/or rage, but those moments don't need to define our lives. Thanks so much Dr. C.
How right you are!!! When our lives are instilled with meaning, purpose, and value, it's a "win-win" for us and every life we touch!!! If we have a passion for something useful and positive, it can "carry" us "all the way."
I bid my narc his final goodbye via Skype in his hospital bed all alone in which he died from alcoholism ….totally his demise …I can now take a deep breath of fresh air with much PIECE OF MIND …not worrying about him and his bullshit drama no longer
So sad, but I totally get what you're saying.
« How can I manage my pain in a way that creates growth instead of collapse? ». What a great question to keep top of mind ! Reminding us of self responsibility continuously.
Glad it resonated!!
You're so right about that! We can't deal with what we don't "own." I think the "key" to that is not trying to deal with OTHER's '"stuff!" We really can't...and anyway, that's THEIR "job."
I have received vengeance when I haven’t done anything . I truly want to learn how to deal with the pain and move forward, I have made progress as I have learned from you Dr Carter and my Pastor. I really love peace.🤐
Hi Susan. Your comments illustrate how they have free floating anger they feel the need to unload, and whoever displeases them is the recipient of that anger. Learning to be objective and detach from their immaturity is a true skill, and one I hope you can master. I'm so pleased to be on the journey with you.
The prelude to the ending of my relationship with my narcissist was when I said to him, in complete exasperation, "You have lots of feelings but no empathy." He turned white and I realized I had hit upon an important truth. The thing that ended it completely...He would never "let me" meet any of his friends but occasionally I'd find myself at a party / event with his circle of friends. Watching him interact with them and hearing them recall shared experiences, and later talking to them alone over a drink, I began to realize that he didn't want me to meet them because to them he was me. He was doing an impersonation of me. Telling them my musings, experiences, travels, achievements as if they were his. There were a couple WTF moments but I managed to hold myself back. He told me the person must have misunderstood or some other such crap. Months later I suggested that I join him and some his friends I hadn't met (to be clear he was routinely invited to hang out with my friends, and did) on a kayaking trip. At first he was quiet but became noticeably anxious, and then angry with me - "Why would my friends want to meet you?" "You wouldn't have anything in common." To which I replied "I'm your best friend and faiirly constant companion, I doubt it will be a nightmare and it has a good chance of being a good time." Well, set him off. He proceeded to shout a lot of disjointed sentences lacquered with invective that had no connection to the matter at hand. He was escalating the "argument" and I wasn't even participating. I was just gob smacked by the insanity. I said "I don't understand." He shouted, flushed and devil eyed "Yea, you never understand!" (I can tell you it wasn't from lack of trying.) He stormed off...The end...ish.
I recommend finding healthier friends. Don't become his victim!
"Telling them my musings, experiences, travels, achievements as if they were his." I've had that with my sister and my first ex. Both are completely off the rails. The second ex told everything, like that I helped with school, scouts, Soldiers' Angels, took care of my parents, etc., like they were great things, to build himself up and sound like he was a supportive husband. Then in private he scrutinized everything I did. He eventually went off the rails, too. So many scary people. Be careful!
Narcissistic people are emotional vampires; they suck your personality, character, friends, family, your history, finances and all else from you. They are such hollow people, they have to take on (essentially stealing) your life to have pretend to have their own.
He also doesn't want them to like you and he wants to be the centre of their attention, and your presence is a threat to that. You are not his best friend, you are competition. It's so hurtful when someone like that intentionally excludes you - it's abandonment. But they're incapable of mature love and connection, and whatever they are mimicking to you in that department will be for their own needs. They are basically using you.
Amazing one would ever spend time with someone like that.
The predicaments we get ourselves into... what a waste
Thank you - very insightful. It’s such a multifaceted problem. Part of it is how to view and respond to such irrational, hateful, and dangerous behavior in a positive, respectful, and civilized manner.
Everything with narcs is a pissing contest.
Burned out from the inside out! That's a good way of putting it! Thank you Dr. C!
To make a Narc collapse, I always use the "parthian arrow" tactic : play their game, appear weak or unsecure about something... and in your last sentence say something with bold assurance. The Narc will be taken by surprise and unable to react.
Do you have an example?
“Thanks; I needed that!” I’m a senior adult, single, from a “family” with generational patterns of NPD/alcoholism. I have one brother, married w/ adult children & grandchildren. The adult children (except one) have grown without learning compassion - not to any person or even an animal/pet. They now made it clear to me that I am rejected for not living up to their expectations. It has been horribly painful to learn of their “hatred”/abuse-accompanied rejection. I do not socialize well (no surprise there!) and this rejection had been grieving me soul-deep. Of course, I knew better, but I’ve been vulnerable. Somehow (!!!) hearing you today, saying again the things I intellectually know, finally focused your kindness and acceptance (in your face & voice) into my soul. I’m now able to gently grieve the deep hurts the adult children recently dumped on me, and I can feel the freedom returning to my soul. I’m pulling words from a song but it describes this: I know the moment is right for leaving the darkness and coming out into the shining sun (thanks to Pink Floyd for the words).
My song for a similar situation goes: "I've been through the desert on a horse with no name. It felt good to be out of the rain. In the desert, you can remember your name, cuz there ain't no one there to give you no pain."
@@deniseclaeys8295classic song “Horse with No Name” by the band America
It's inspiring to me that you're able to "consider the source" and move on!!! In TRUTH, your separating yourself from them is THEIR loss. It's sad that they don't have the "receptors" to realize that. From what you wrote, the live as a pretty miserable and ignorant "tribe." I don't think any of them are actually self-directed. But YOU are! 🙂 Freedom lies therein. 🙂 I'm GLAD FOR YOU!!!
Great video, it’s all about their pain, never for a nano second are they capable of acknowledging that anyone else might have pain too. So sad, utterly draining and cornice. Thank you for your work Dr Carter.
You're quite welcome.
I should have taken it as a sign when months ago the narcissist (a trusted friend I forgave for his heinous behavior 16 years prior) ghosted me and when I, in a rather perplexed state of confusion over the chilly silence finally DID connect with him, he informed me that the issues I had at the time confronting the most real, clinical level of depression I've ever had were "just too much". In an exasperating tone that had the stench of complete psychoanalytic authority over me (he wasn't a psychologist, but a high school teacher...dig THAT), he stated, "I just don't have the bandwidth...!" Good friends are hard to find. FYI, I have finally cut off his supply. People like that need to be constantly acknowledged and applauded, particularly when they are bragging about how masterful, precise, and unwavering they are in their goals and beliefs. They need you to be willing to kiss the ring and sit at their feet with enchanted wonder. I'll pass, thanks.
I think there's a difference between between their being able to overtly acknowledge some else's pain...and their awareness of it. I think they're VERY aware of it, and I think it "fuels" their illness/sense of control. Yes. SAD.
I like this piece of thinking - we can accept things as they are and solve the problem or misunderstanding peacefully. With acceptance of ourselves, with mutual acceptance - belief in other people instead of animosity, we can solve things and learn without causing a lot of stress.
Some people don't appreciate peace though
💯… True. All around.
My experience has been to leave a toxic and exploitive relationship/friendship. I've given people second chances. I've seen myself as having also contributed to the problem. So I went back. Not only did their behavior worsen, but I was triggered all over the place. So I learned, albeit the hard way. I developed boundaries. I finally feel more sorry for them than anger. I see hopelessness for their health and recovery. I have to take care of myself now. I use to tell the stories, complain and feel hurt. Now I just try to be better, understand like I want to be understood. Know I'm healing and have removed toxic relationships that will never get better. Your use of your boundaries with others, and understanding them are crucial. We're all on a learning curve, in a different place and that's ok. Truly be well. Dr. Phil once said "I'd rather be happy and alone than sick with you." I know the few people I now have around me love me, and I love them. Time to heal.
Wow!!! I looks to me like you're getting "A's," here in Earth School! 🙂 And so are the people around you, yes? 🙂
I think this is your best video (that I have seen). I describe it as a downward spiral; I dealt with the pain through faith and spiritual seeking; For years I had no idea what was wrong--just that something was and I am so grateful that there are people like you to help us identify it.