92: The Emotionally Absent Mother & The Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect
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- Опубліковано 29 чер 2017
- Welcome to episode 92 of the Therapy Chat Podcast with host Laura Reagan, LCSW-C. My guest this week is Jasmin Lee Cori, who speaks to me about emotionally absent mothers and the affects of childhood emotional neglect.
Jasmin became a therapist at the tender age of 24 and didn’t last long, as might be expected for someone who had yet to do her own healing work. When she reached 40, she uncovered childhood trauma, which began her journey of descent. She was a student of The Diamond Approach at that time, a spiritual school conversant with the intertwining of psychological and spiritual work. She was discovering her deeper essence at the same time she was dropping into dark places she hadn’t known were there; so during that time heaven and hell were unfolding simultaneously.
This continued, with yet deeper dips into both. She lost her voice, job and suffered significant health challenges and financial struggle. Yet in the midst of being flattened, sick in bed, she midwifed a book of mystical poetry in a matter of months.
Since she is a writer whose personal experience deeply informs her work, the result of this descent was authoring two books that changed her life: Healing from Trauma and The Emotionally Absent Mother. These books were healing not only for her but for tens of thousands who have read them.
Resources
www.jasmincori.com
Thank you To TherapyNotes for sponsoring this week's episode!
❤️ Laura Reagan, LCSW-C
🌺 Owner, Baltimore Annapolis Center for Integrative Healing - Request Appointment: bahealing.com
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Thank you for realizing our mothers were to blame for the damage their emotional neglect caused us. It does damage you in so many ways. You grow up an incomplete person who doesn't know how to get along in the world. You make mistakes and then you feel so guilty about all the wrong things you do.
When you’ve had an emotionally unavailable mother and trying to talk to family about it but everyone blaming me or not believing me feels isolating and so I ended up cutting my family off entirely. I’m much happier now and don’t carry the weight of my mothers constant criticisms even in adulthood and lack of support in any capacity
I already have accepted that fact that i wasn’t fortunate enough to receive a mother that i needed, and lost the guilt of needing her to be someone she could never be as a mother, i am in the progress of mourning... one of the hardest things to do is to mourn a person that is still alive, and from this day forward i am mourning someone under the same roof as me...
I too must mourn my mother, who is still alive.
I need to focus my energy on being the mother I wish I had. I owe it to my children.
@@audfosutv2500 Me too😭
Blessings on all 3 of you
@@Wendyj55 God bless you 100 time more for understanding our pain.... lots of love to your beautiful heart❤️🙏🏼
@@lidiyas7153 Thank you
An emotionally absent parent is devastating in the formative years of a child. Sadly this charts the child’s life path that is totally preventable and makes one prone to choose from unavailable people, hypersensitivity and fall short of their potential.
The thing with emotionally absent mothers (and mine had severe issues) is that you don't know what you don't know. I literally discovered emotions in my 20s and I remember watching movies that I had seen before, and I could understand them now in the context of emotions. Unbelievably I had had zero positive emotional experience up till that time - not love or empathy or understanding (thanks mum) only anger and fear (thanks dad).
My mother truly did the best she could (because of her childhood). I believe she mothered better than her mother and I believe that I mothered better than mine. I hope my children mother better than I do. I hope we all can heal and mother our own inner child to transform our pain into awareness. xoxo
Mine didn’t. My mom was handed a silver platter and handed me shit. But my kids will be taken care of very well, I worked hard to make sure of it.
I agree with you better should always be sought. What I have found is that most people dont hold themselves accountable to the pursuit of better. Here's to better
This! Yes! ♥️
That is a very compassionate perspective. I don't blame my mom all that much for what she did and didn't do.
Still effing sucks because her daughter (me) is paying a high price and now has to work through this one.
This!! Just yes 😊
We have to take care if ourselves... make ourselves responsible for our inner child and stop the neglect here and now🙏🏻
Anybody can abandon us but ourselves
Frau Nunez exactly. Well said!🙏
This is the complete story of my life. It has caused great dysfunction which I am so thankful to be healing from at 53. I have never had this type of childhood trauma explained so clearly. I was the 6th daughter born in 8 yrs. The sister before me has severe behavioral issues which gave her a lot of attention. all negative unfortunately. The child after me was the first son. The golden child who became an alcoholic because he could never live up to the expectations sadly. The child after him a girl was born with a bilateral cleft palate and lip who demanded lots of attention surgeries etc. I was complete invisible,unloved,unwanted, and completely emotionally neglected. The only positive thing I have received from this is the fact that I at 12 years old resigned myself to never allow my children to feel this way. I have an extreme emotional bond with all three of my children. I showered them with love and affection. I would lay in bed with them as I was bed ridden many rears due to 2 major accidents and talk for hours about life and creating themselves and not allowing others to create them. We would talk about the importance of loving themselves and not validating themselves on how other appear to value them. They are all adults with their own lives but we still have that connection and I am ever grateful that my mother gave me that gift. That by no means is letting her off the hook!! I am 53 and am finally understanding myself and why I feel the way I feel and do the things I do. I have spent the last 3 years healing and it is unlike anything I could have ever dreamed off. The peace in my life is unimaginable. I have recreated myself and my entire way of thinking. It is so amazing to wake with love,peace,tranquility.gratitude,and the permission to selfcare emotionally and physically. I have taught my children to love themselves and now I can love myself too. I am good enough finally. Life is good, my Creator is Great!
Elizabeth Khauv Bv
Fantastic Elizabeth!! Glad you broke the cycle and you and your children BENEFITED...sorry for your memories and lacking of ever knowing the love of trust in or of your NM!! You are getting and giving it in/with your children! Bless you in your healing journey!! Shine on!
I'm so glad you have found hope and healing Elizabeth. Thanks for sharing.
sariah alexander what steps helped you heal?
Elizabeth Khauv
What's your email
I can decode some of the conversation.
And, I don't want any apology from my mother.
I'm 41 and I've had 40 and a half of her toxicity.
No contact.
I can breathe now.
Thank you
I am of the cusp of making the decision of no contact with my own mother. At 47, I feel like I've exhausted every option of building a positive relationship with her. I need to breathe...
I tried for 60 years to get my mother to love me, be proud of me. And then one day she said some hurtful things, again. I hung up and that was the day my mother died in my eyes and heart. I feel better.
I couldn't imagine the confidence of being shown mother's love people walk around with such a blessing that money can't buy.i won't give up. I will achieve self are self nuturing. I'm enough and it was not my fault but didn't realize until I was totally broken down. To realize I'm divinely crafted to help others with similar issues.
I cried so many times during your talk. I saw a psychologist resently and I told her tha that I don't ever remember my mother holding me, amongst other things, she never mentioned that I might have had an unemotional mother. I only realized it through talks like yours in the past two days. I only now realize what is wrong with me! One thing I've always struggled with was with people touching me, not because I don't like it, but because I think that they would resent it if they touched me.
When I was 5 I loved to crawl onto my mother's lap and listen to her stomach gurgle and squeeze. Then one day she pushed me away get away. My parents never told me I love you.
I felt every single word.
Hi Mel V, I know this is 3 years ago but I can totally relate. I hate my mother touching me. Not for the same reason but you’ve definitely opened my mind to that. Because I was emotionally deprived physical affection wasn’t congruent to that. It felt inauthentic and weird. Thanks for sharing x
I told many therapists that I can't remember my mom ever saying she loved me, can't remember her touching me, can't remember her asking me how I felt or spending time with me. She never hit me or verbally abused me, however, and provided for all my food, school, health needs. As an adult she showed no interest in my life, never called me, always wanted to get off the phone when I called her. Not one of these therapists commented or seemed to realize how painful and lonely this was. One told me my mother did the best she could. Another told me her mom was like my mom but that they worked out their differences before her mom died. Awareness of the damage done by emotional neglect needs to be studied by therapists.
My mum told me on many occasions while I was a child how depressed she was knowing she was pregnant with me. Part of this was the financial burden of another child, which is understandable. What's not so understandable is why she felt she needed to constantly tell me this while I was still a child, along with the fact that she was sick every day of her pregnancy with me. She also told me of her own abusive childhood. Consequently, I grew up feeling guilty about the pain I had caused her and cried myself to sleep over her awful childhood and feeling responsible for her happiness. This, despite the fact that she never made me feel special or important, and I grew up with very low self-esteem and issues with food.
Thats a very hard childhood.
The cycle is so heartbreaking, all around.
This whole discussion literally describes my relationship with my mother (and to some degree, my father). Both were emotionally unavailable until very recently, and as a young adult trying to find her footing in the world...I feel like I'm struggling so hard to carry the baggage I already have, that I can't start my own life in a healthy way. I don't have a support system of friends because I struggle to maintain any kind of relationship; I only have my parents...
When they talk about a long, empty marriage--that's my parents exactly. They accept crumbs and yet still feel desperately unfulfilled but can't/won't do anything about it...it's so painful to hear things that I've observed for years but only just begun to understand and sort through. I don't want to end up like them, but I have their distorted patterns written into my personality, and it often takes all of my energy to deal with it. I'm supposed to be starting my life, and I already feel like it's over.
...I'm trying to be brave and want more for myself, but it's a daily struggle.
@ReppinTheCep, please stay grounded with yourself. You have come so far. The best of wishes to you.
Your feelings resonate so much with my situation. Only child loveless emotionally detached parents. Poor choices when younger led to an abusive marriage that I got out of when my daughter was 10 months old. I feel your pain. I'm so fortunate now to have a fabulous family loving husband a d fabulous grown up daughter. I struggle to connect. I found the " crappy childhood fairy" her videos are very good and have helped me . It might be worth a look. Love yourself don't assume others behaviours have anything to do with you. Keep boundaries and don't beat yourself up. Xxx
sending u love
it doesnt matter what the mothers intentions were or the reason she was emotionally absent as far as the effects it has on the child they are the same regardless
This has helped tremendously along with other videos I have watched. I’m 54 and I’m still affected by trying to get my mother to accept me and love me. I’m a good person, I’m responsible to my job and my bills, I don’t have addiction problems to alcohol, nicotine, drugs. I married at 19 years ole to a man who had narcissistic type tendencies. It’s not my job to diagnose him but I know what I lived with got almost 28 years. Recovery from my childhood and my adult is is not easy. What’s so very hard for me about my mother is she seems to really love her first child. There are 4 girls and I’m the third with a 1.5 years between myself and the second child and 1 between myself and the 4th. All 4 of us are close in age. My mother seems to accept other people like my cousins more than she accepts me. She was told I was going to be a boy and well I was born a girl. My parents said they always want 4 children. So I still having a hard time grasping why she can accept the oldest... my. Cousins and others yet not me ??????
Thank you for this. Mother was wounded so it affected her and her treatment of me. I could not relate.. But, I had a great Dad. We learn over time to give ourselves the love we did not receive. This made me more compassionate and empathetic of others and excrutiatingly sensitive. I thought I was the problem..
J. C. I’m also sensitive, everything you said. I too thought there was something wrong with me.
@JenniC. and @RebeccaCarraway, I really relate to what you have both expressed. Thanks.
Brilliant explanation....
Where was this video 40 years ago.....???
From the depth of my heart ... thank you.
Dude.... this was deep AF!!! My mind is Officially blown
Omg thank you. I really resonate with This so deeply. I really appreciate you validating my experience. Two very beautiful women
Everything they are talking about has been true in my life as a grown daughter of an emotionally unavailable mother. I need a break from my mother.
This is so relevant to my brother and I lives. I e shared it with him as well. Ty for all you are doing for all of us on here. You are a blessing
Thank you very much for doing this helpful work and sharing it.
All the best to you and everyone in this community!!
I always knew that my mom didn't like me & I cut her completely out of my life in my early 30"s.I made myself believe it was no big deal,So what my ma don't like me, that's her loss whatever.Fast forward to now, I just turned 60 & I honestly can't explain what changed my mindset but I'm finally able to accept my ma's love and let go some shit.Im working on my own healing and learning how to forgive myself for sadly,being a shitty mom to my own kids,I honestly wasn't aware how much like my own mom I was HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?? I have apologized sincerely to my daughter but my son died a few years and it kills me that I'll never get to talk with him.I can imagine his reaction though I can actually hear his voice "Ma your a good mom I love you, you didn't do nothing wrong" he'd give me the best hug..im crying I miss my baby ok anyways what I'm saying I guess is that shit trickles down from generation to generation All I can do now is be a better person going forward ya know?
I'm glad my mother was emotionally unavailable. She had no choice and she prepared me to enter a humanity that was emotionally deaf that has a collective aim to destroy itself. The people I know who were not prepared don't make it. You won't avoid trauma from having emotionally healthy parents. I come from a sexist make it work, yes u can, by yourself, love your self, do it alone, be a good woman and mother alone in an anti woman anti fam culture. Then take responsibility by yourself when it all falls down culture. There is no healing and wholeness in this relm. My never again and my fix it is being anti life itself.
I have lots of early memories of how dysregulated I felt, but no memories of how my mother responded. I was born with health problems and so she tells about how I cried continuously and drove everyone up the wall for months. I remember being afraid and crying and trying to hold my breath until I passed out or threw up.
As a school age child, they would shut me in my room "on restriction" indefinitely. I self harmed and they didn't even check. As a teenager, I attempted s. I also set myself on fire. They didn't get me help.
I always blamed my overt alcoholic narc father. I didn't recognize my mother's role until she came to live with me last year. It was impossible to get along with her and I had to send her back to my older brother.
The grief of the mother wound is inchoate.
Thanks for sharing this Laura. I’m reading Jasmin’s book now.
My mom abandoned me in a bar twice before 2 years old she was scitzophrenic but I didn't know about mental illness as a child. So I've been trying to not think I'm a mistake my whole life. It's been so destructive to my sense of low self. Had a step mom but no emotional bonding. Blessed are those who have a decent mother. I see successful people and usually they say there mom had something to do with thier successes.
I’m so sorry Wayne, you didn’t deserve that. But know you are not alone… at age 5 , a very little girl, I was taken to Mexico by my mother and left with complete strangers in a bar, so my mom could go out clubbing all night with her new “friends”
I can’t tell you what happened to me that night, but my mother never asked, only scolded and shamed me for crying.
Unfortunately, My mother is not mentally ill, only extremely selfish. To this day she refuses to take any accountability for the many horrific things she put me through. You and I, we are survivors and God loves us enough to pull us through every terrible thing that tries to destroy us. Hold your head up high Wayne, because you are
A SURVIVOR!!!
So sorry to hear that Wayne.
I understand completely. My mother also had schizophrenia. My sisters and I were ignored. No hugs. No "I love yous". No conversations. She never asked us how we were or if she could help in anything. No food prepared. Our aunt had legal custody and also lived with us but our mother was still always living with us also. But it is depressing because she was there only in body. There was no care and no love shown to us from her. We might as well have been invicible. I mean this. I'm not exagerrating. Hard as might be to believe. Our aunt lived with us and supported us financially and made sure we went to school, but she did not give me the emotional support that a mother usually gives. Now I'm almost 48 and I realized only recently how we were shortchanged. I'm not doing well.
To everyone out there who has suffered the same or similar I'm with you.
I wish there was a transcript provided in the description area for this conversation... the auto-generated captions are of no help. I'm finding it really hard to make-out what the guest author Jasmin Lee Cori has said here. My hearty thanks to the interviewer for explaining and asking questions eloquently.
I'm 17, this helps me feel better
Thank you for this powerful and rich interview. I have nougat the book.
Dear Ms Cori...I also actively avoid (resist) Social Media. I find it counter productive in my healing of childhood wounds.
Yes I agree, people use manipulative tactics on social media it's better not to get involved.
Stephanie Smith in what way?
Its good to finally know why im such a fucked up mess. Im 52 years old and just this last summer i was visiting my mom who lives in a different state than i do we were out to dinner she got really mad at me left me at a restraunt then came back for me and told me i was the most difficult child she had ever seen. At 52 years old im still hearing how its my fault. She got pregnate at 18 and married my dad when she was 6 months pregnate. they faught horribly and that was my fault as well because if it werent for me they would have not gotten married. I represent to her her mistake in life. Because my younger brother who was conceived after they were married was loved and adored. He was not a source of shame. He was not a physical manifestation of her sexual promiscuity but i was. She cant to this day bond with me. Isnt that interesting and heartbreaking?
wow your mom is a horrible woman. every narc has a golden child and a scape goat so even if you were conceived in wed lock more than likely she would have had the same role for you.
So sorry for what you've been through. If this episode helped you to understand some of the pieces of what you feel, I'm grateful. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Laura Reagan, LCSW-C surely there would have to be a big correlation between this and Borderline PD, or is no one researching that
tammy g. My mother was the same exact way, my mother told me though that she never loved me. She's been dead for 28 years and I'm glad she's dead.
tammy g. - I'm sorry for your pain. I'm 48 & have the exact same story. I work every day to try & move past that. I know how hard it is. Sending you strength & love.
So that explains it all. Thank you
Thank you for your service.
This is only of the best, next to the Gabor Mate one. I am soooo impressed!
Any guys in the comments here? I'm having issues with feeling good enough as a man. I keep longing for a "mother" to confirm my manhood so that I can be "born into" adulthood through nurturing and confirmation, and I project it on to older women.
I struggle with relationships, and in fact have never felt able to accept love. Can't seem to tolerate intimacy in fear of a woman seeing me as pathetic, disgusting or in some way unacceptable..
Doing everything in my power to heal this so that I can experience healthy relationships before I die.
Hi Julian, I understand what you experience. As all of us who have not had "good enough" parents, as adults, we need to remother ourselves, and do it for ourselves. You can surround yourself with good supportive friends, perhaps an older woman. Yet most of the healing work is about giving yourself the unconditional love, acknowledging your qualities and flaws and embracing them all. So you are no longer shameful and can drop this belief (coming from the dismissive parent) and dare to be vulnerable, because you know there is nothing wrong about you as a man, and you are lovable.
@@MissSarahGM Thank you, I will make that part of my mission in life :)
@@fromeveryting29 You are welcome :) I am a woman and suffer from my mother's rejection as well, and so I think it's not so much your manhood that is a problem but the doubt that you are not lovable, if you own mother did not love you enough. Self love is a long journey, but in a way it's becoming our own mother, being compassionate and loving ourselves unconditionally. I also read on emotionally neglectful/ narcissistic parents, so that it makes more sense and I feel less shame and guilt. I recommend the Four agreements by Don Miguel, it's very helpful, especially not to take things personally. All the best to you :)
@@MissSarahGM Thank you so much again! I will check it out. I think you are right. I had this interesting experience one night two months ago. I was trying to tackle this shame I feel, so I put on an "acceptance meditation" I found on youtube. As I listened to it I realized how little self-compassion I had and how much I judged myself. It really was an eye-opener. I cried hard and everything. So after that I felt like I could tap into that compassion more. I guess that was an experience of self-mothering? I then looked into Pete Walker more and ordered his book on C-PTSD, so now I'm waiting for it in the mail. I've analyzed and analyzed my issues to try and understand, but now I feel more and more drawn to the "solutions". I want to DO, and I'm willing to try just about anything. Crying, meditation, socializing, sharing, routines - all of it.
I wish you all the best in your journey!
I will look into Pete Walker. Yes books on attachment trauma, CPTSD and inner child work, reparenting would be helpful. I also feel like this has to go along with surrounding yourself with reliable friends, or forums where you can be vulnerable and supported. This experience you had was like acknowledging the inner child, and with your adult healthy self, giving him the attention and compassion he needs. It won't be an instant fix but the more we acknowledge our inner child and talk to him and soothe with from our adult healthy self, the more we'll feel whole and secure.
Thank you :)
Thanks for this, i enjoy it a lot.
My father was a coercively abusive narcissist. This destroyed my mother. And, I was neglected and used, emotional incest, parentification. My mother had ten kids, i'm glad to be one of then, even with my neglect.
@Makayla ... complex stuff. It is possible to feel enormously negative stuff at the same time as feeling enormously positive stuff, I feel, in a family environment.
Thank you so much! Why didn't I find you sooner? Agape
My mother has never and I have no memory of my mother holding me or hugging or telling me she loves me so I found it weird when she hugged me first time there was no connection but I distance myself more and not wanting her touching me or holding me in any way shape or form. I did mourn my loses and I cut her off after that.
My mother has been an alcoholic my entire life and emotionally abused me. She was abused by my biological father, who is a narcissist who was never in my life. They were together for about ten years before they had me and my mum was unable to have anymore children. I was a sick baby, but I manages to pull through. I've always been told that I was strong. I was very shy anxious and intelligent as a child, and part of my response to trauma was to withdraw. I've always been very solitary as an only child and feel more free. Once I got to a certain age I realise I wasn't like other girls. I never liked to drink alcohol or smoke or take drugs. I've never dated or been in a romantic relationship. Now in recent years I realise I must be asexual because I do not have any desire to have children. Partly because I know I have my own mental health issues and do not want to inflict that on a child. With interactions with children I know I would be too passive and emotionally distant as I've always been. And I don't like the thought of pregnancy and dislike sex. Partly due to my mother's behaviour.
Finally this book. Same effect on me as realizing and working through my codependency over 20 years ago.
My mom was neglected by her husband. Consequently . She was full of distress. I believe I was there to regulate her emotions. I was extremely young... she knew no better.
It was harmful to you though.
The best they could is not enough because in fact they did not do the best they could, if it had been that way it would have been enough.
Didn’t most of gen x have unavailable mothers?
Mom had to work. A lot of kids went to daycare or were taken care of by relatives. This was after the economic changes in the 80s and 90s with two parents working or the single mothers had to work.
My mom did. Which means she was also that way, because she never learned how to be emotionally available from her own mother. And so now I’ve also never learned properly. To add to that, my dad is the same way, as was his father before him.
Fortunately, I am more self aware than any of them, but it certainly doesn’t solve it.
maplegingko Maybe that's why Gen X is the least talked about generation. Everyone only talks about Baby boomers and Millennials. We are totally ignored as if we never existed :(
Y’all make good points. My parents got divorced and my mom had to go back to work. I’m Gen X. Oh and YAY she gets to live with me, the only daughter.
Doesn't it seem to be getting worse?
My mother was raised by a woman who lost a “golden child” son at age 12, then was widowed when she was 4. My mom was born after her brother died. So she was also raised by someone who was emotionally void. I thank God every day that I didn’t have kids to pass on the sickness to.
But you can break away from it ,if you awake n breaking the old molding
yeah, i don't have children and probably won't. i don't want them to have such a lousy dad. you can't learn what you didn't see growing up, nor do I want to pass on depression and anxiety, adhd to them. I can't see them ever having a close relationship me because i'm sure they'll hate me for some reason or another.
@@sithlordhibiscus9936 how are you doing? Do you still have the same sentiments. I am also afraid of passing my issues to my babies. I don't want kids
this can also happen with out the mom intending it. 1) my mother was drugged with demeral during labor, she is a very small woman and they over dosed her knocking her out for 3 days, i was born dead because of it and after 5 min brought back. my mom didn't even get to hold me til 3 days after i was born. 2) my mom and father didn't live together my first 4 years of life, my mom had to work and i was entrusted to a babysitter at the age of 2 who was a woman who beat me and sexually assaulted me with objects, i would scream and cry but not able to tell my mom what was happening, she didn't know until one day she found me all tore up where the diaper covers took me to er to be fixed and pressed charges against the sitter protecting thousands from this woman who was "welfare system approved for child care" 3) after that so called trusted babysitters would leave and not come back while my mom worked 3rd shift, some times 24 hour shifts,and me left in my crib screaming all night until my mom discovered my plight when she came home from work. 4) after 4 years my parents lived together, my father abusive to me and my mother across the board, my mother always hyper vigilant trying to prevent dad's attacks had little emotional energy to really see me, often pushing me away out of pure exhaustion not cruelty. but yet left me with the programming that im just a pain in the ass, a drain, dont deserve to ask for my needs to be met, deep anger, distrust yet a longing to be accepted and heard and loved. i blame my father more.
I agree Joan, often it isn't intentional on the part of the parent. Sometimes people are deliberately abusive and sometimes they are neglectfully parenting the way they were parented. Trauma and attachment focused therapy can really be helpful. I'm sorry to hear what you went through and I appreciate you sharing it.
If you haven’t yet, please watch the videos from Lisa a Romano on UA-cam. They are very healing. I’m sorry you suffered so much, may you find your find your inner peace.
Don’t make excuses...
So sad what you went through. I hope you are finding peace and joy in your life now. Healing yourself.
Reasoning all of that doesnt help you process the pain though. Have you sat and told that story to an empathic witness. ❤️
Mum devoted herself to her kids in a callous marriage. It was my f , who didn't fit in , n never my mother or her kin. Mum did the best she could for all of her children despite of the fact that she'd experienced abuse, trauma , n atrocities from her NH. Of course, our family life took a toll on all of us , in more ways than one. My sis enables my pain n abuse. Mum , as an empath , was capable of taking the reins in her loving hands , especially , when her parents stood up for her n us. I cannot go along stating this about our NF. Thank you.
I wish I had a mother
Thank you very much
Thank you.
Thank you. So familiar.
TY!
Excellent
Me too. Once I see it in words it makes me wonder how could anyone be that sick as to purposely play head games with a child?
Wouldn't you be more than absent after what my mum had been through in her lousy marriage? She told me she had not wanted to marry after having come across too many coinciding mishaps.
I always thought my mother never taught me to be a mother. I never thought it was because she didn't mother me well She didn't but i missed being a good mother for my daughter more than being mothered by her. She had to remind me i was born breech and how much it hurt Her having 6 chidren ,each about 15 monthes apart didn't help.
I'm 41 now, left the hospital with my grandparents. on father's side... I just for the first time saw a picture of my mother last year. she has lived within a hour of me all my life. the grandparents I hate to say anything bad I guess but I've never said the words mom or dad all my life or ever got off the phone and said I love you. just didn't grow up like that or wasn't raised like that I guess.
Both of my parents are like this
So sad they can't meet there child's needs cause there own needs weren't met either I had an abusive foundation I guess from the internal trauma my mother was going thru because my father was allowing us to go hungry as a result of all this trauma she felt I met an abusive partner who I had my children with and his abuse of me impacted my children I left him but thr after effects were so traumatic of him teaching my kids to hate me not listen to me ect no one would believe me I feel I have been ran over by a bus after such trauma and I'm left utterly sppechless as I was a very loving caring mother
I’m reading this stuff I get it been there it’s really really tough and we all cope in different ways I get the feeling there is someone really going through stuff right now last month!( September for me was living hell with trauma stuff and then I had a falling out with someone i thought didn’t care I get the feeling they do care and am not sure how to tell me I care too I get hurt mad angry and bitter so I can see why another survivor could have trouble establishing communication I have trouble too with it and ya I’m not perfect and have not gone unscathed I feel there is love above all else and it’s why we are both bothered by this loss of contact so I say we both know we are survivors of abuse we both have safety and trust issues the abuse did that to us I do however feel without trauma we do get along well and what causes these things is the behaviours of when we are triggered by the others trauma and feel unsafe I am not a stable person myself I do feel though if somehow we remember we both are survivors that do feel love for one another and love is the reason we still miss one another and again we do actually get along though we are quite different we get along very well when there’s no fear or pressure so it shows me we are compatible by personality and are drawn together with happiness and laughter the enjoyment of many different conversation topics and there is love though I think we both get upset and deny it because we have trust and vulnerability issues and we get so hurt we think we hate eachother but it isn’t hate it’s hurt with lots of anger I was thinking about this and realized that it’s not hate it’s the temporary combination of severe hurt and it mixes with anger and fear and I think it’s actually deep love between survivors scared to feel deep love and it’s actually not a toxic bond because we spend a lot of time laughing and talking about various topics when we are not dealing with trauma I think it the truth is it’s a healthy relationship with well matched personalities that gets strained by trauma from the past that’s how I feel personally
So could these mothers also be Narcissist?
Or codependent
Giving but still out of true give ing
Everyone is a narcissist these days
@@rachelfourie9083 haha. Good comment. Such an overused/misused word now.
Any chance you might know of any providers who have this focus or support groups in the Houston area?
lorenthalas valciari I am in the Houston area as well...I have looked with no luck. I so wish there was one.
@@stephanie_smith --- How possible would it be to start one? Perhaps get together. You need to study the books and videos and tell your own stories and try to tune into your real feelings, I suspect. Also perhaps you could invite guest speakers?
31:58 the mother wound mentioned that really speaks out to me:
"your parents provided food and clothing and etc for you...." its like externally pov everyone ards you go ard this traditional way of speaking, making you feel shameful and ungrateful for even speaking abt your hurt. hardly anyone speaks like the videos speaker does.
-where are such miniority adult children at? are there anyone in recovery from being in this and not having learnt to regulate emotions from such emotionally unavailable mothers whom doesnt validate or connected with them that way? and develop bad coping mechnisms using food when some crisis happens and they dk how to manage it?
-can anyone please please advise on forums or support group for such people?
it seems like the miniority bunch heard online. theres alot of guilt tripped into pleasing others adult children ive heard thus far online mostly. the one that is pleasing others bcos developing this pattern from 'gaslighting or guilt tripped' from mom.
-it makes the other kinds of adult children patterns feel shameful.
(knowing that when in negativity.... seeing the narrative is... like not enough when one doesnt feel the love or given the needed love language.
heard abt the concept about inner child work or self nuture but how does one self talk and self love when the buried deep unmet need was nvr there in the first place? the self talk mechnism isnt fully formed there too. as ridic as it sounds. its there at (perhaps rare) times. ) theres also no support system in place (no friends and super distant relatives that wld simply shake head and criticise at the situation of the child from an external pov) 🙈 if anyone does see some patterns of resemblances in any parts pls pls give some recommendations for support groups and etc that you come across. tyvm in advance!
If you have to strengthen the mother you have no mother, or father. I had ppl outside due to my preemie birth. I was lucky... mum was there but she faded away with exhaustion. I am not a professional.thanks.
Mothers, within their spousal connection with their husbands, can suffer unspoken atrocities . Children sense the distress n anxiety. That's a fact. The mothers are not to blame.
I had to take all "responsibility" of my status to ease up the tension between her n her NH. I've come to believe that mum was the faulty person to have had a disabled child , n she had to prove the contrary was true. Lucky for me , i made perfect progress n throve on crutches . I was loved by many , but never by my father or sister or eldest brother. I had a voice n all human value with normal ppl . My f was /still is at fault. Don't turn to ask for help from those who turn their backs on you. Invisible disability is needed with the BPD /covert NF's. I was lucky . So lucky .
This was Very Hard to discern audibly.
My parents have never seen me on a skateboard or snowboard, and that is my passion. Growing up I was in competition (AAA) Soccer, and parents would come to tryouts/games.. my dad watched games, but mom...just drop him off... They wonder why I struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, Early Relationship attachment... and later-on in life, drugs. and had a hard time “moving out” on my own. I just wanted to hear “good job” instead of after Trump won 4 years ago...”if I had a gun I would shoot you” .
I really wanted to listen to this interview , but the authors voice is so shaky and hard to understand.
To take the responsibility of yourself for your parents even if the child would be nothing bad or evil or anything . Immature parenting. N the kid can be no older than 3. Me. Difficult marital relationship. My f(ather). This is good.Emotional abuse/neglect. Not about my mother in any case. She was burdened.
Sometimes , mum was a bit lost in her marriage.
My mum was always obsessed with my biological father, who was a narcissist who was never in my life. I was born premature. He didn't want me and walked out. My mum became an alcoholic who I think blamed me in a way even though the entire relationship of ten years was unstable and emotionally abusive. I despise both my parents now and I never want to have children and I don't think I can feel love.
If you do want to talk let me know and no I won’t say angry things or come at you in any hostile ways just message a little sign or however your comfortable
Is she sick?
"you know"
God loves you. Don’t make Mom your Deity. Mom is not perfect.
Grow, forgive Mom, forgive yourself and truly move on. Do not continue to dwell on your childhood. You cannot change your childhood. You can get over the negative memories.
Flannery O’Connor Don’t dwell on it but address it is what I hope you mean. What your promoting is denial of the issue and keeping it in the dark. I thought the concept of this God you speak of promotes going towards the light/being in the light.
@@rcalphonse2701 yes keeping it till it's fully understand and resolved,not a patch up,chip repairs,deep true hard work
It’s hard to forgive your mom when she can’t even apologize for her behaviour, after you’ve asked her many times for a simple apology and she continues to defend herself, when she knows she was absent because she’s talked about it in context when I was a baby (yet it’s happened my 24 years of life)
Although I am working on forgiving her, it’s a process though, you can expect someone with years of neglect to just forgive in a short period of time.
The voice is very, shaky and unclear. Very hard to understand the words
Sounds like she has a voice disorder...possibly spasmodic dysphonia
people, please just stop having children.
currently, sleep is my mother... : )
@AlifCheck, rest in sleep as long as you need that. Best wishes on your travels.
The effects of an absent NARC FATHER, rather.TY.
psycho emotional neglect
My mother WAS NOT EMOTIONALLY ABSENT! She was bullied n severely! Abused in her narc marriage .
Mum WAS NOT EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE ! A father I never had. You not illicit, are you? !!!
12:49
“you know”.... “you know”... “you know”.... no I do not know. Unfortunately a very annoying verbal tick for an audio podcast.
These topics are coercive n , by the rule, put the put the villains on a pedestal.None the less their allies. Within the narc dynamics the lies need to be seamless . My f (ather) wanted me disregarded n abandoned. Aborted.
How can mothers be good mothers when 1. They have horrid families with no support or nurture 2. They have horrid men who use and abuse and stress them out and 3. They have to raise their kids in a fear based society
This serves as an explanation. If people could do better they would. It was good enough because your not dead. So what is the solution to being an integrated adult????? I hate psych that hammers away at a dead horse.
Who decides if being alive is good enough? You? Suit yourself. It doesn't change anything about the effects of emotional neglect.
Not a solution so part.of.problem hating psychology,loveing animal standard,keeps a good cycle sickness sucking
Recovery From Childhood Emotional Neglect with Dr. Jonice Webb
(39:20)
ua-cam.com/video/2QgyjlpX9Ss/v-deo.html
this is total mom shaming.Where is the dad blame?
nowhere go to a video about emotionally unavailable fathers if you want to hear father shaming. Mothers are human, not perfect angels. They do in fact make mistakes.
HARD Interview! 😂 The author gives such short answers, the interviewer has to pull info! Torture to listen to!
HAS THIS DB INTERVIEWER HAD KIDS HERSELF????????????
The audio in these videos is garbage... how could anyone sit through an hour of this...