I Feel Privileged to Be A Pediatrician | Confessions of a Junior Doctor | Only Human
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- Опубліковано 17 лис 2019
- This episode, we follow the junior doctors looking after the hospital's youngest patients. Children change so quickly, one minute they're well, the next they're not.
There are over 63,000 junior doctors working in Britain’s hospitals. As young as 23, they are the foot soldiers of the NHS. They welcome us into the world and they will be there at the end. But, they are working in hospitals that are treating more patients than ever before. Everything is stretched, we haven’t got a lot more to give, and something needs to change.
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I love his HONESTY. I don't understand how you have 27 sick kids and ONE doctor, SCARY just thinking about it. Dr. Faree.
They need more Doctor's and hospital's and more people that take better care of themselves
That makes me sad for him and the children. I mean really they want the doctor to jump off a building? That's just insane.
Welcome to the failing NHS
My two children wouldn't be here if it weren't for amazing doctors and nurses who work in NICU/ PICU specialties. As well as high risk obstetrics. They saved all three of us and I now have intelligent, amazing teenagers who test my patience but even then I'm smiling under the stern looks and reprimand/punishment I must delivery for whatever things they are pulling in that moment because I am overjoyed I still have them here to have to have those moments with. Happy, sad, upset it doesn't matter, every single moment I have with my kids is because the doctors and nurses who cared for us chose the path they did and care the way they do about their patients.
Never fear, the nurses will have it under control. He may be a doctor, but as a new junior he wont have the same level of vast knowledge and experience that the nurses do. His inexperience shows in how nervous he is being at births
Fahim talking to the babies and apologizing for everything that might make them cry is just....it made my day.
Same 😭
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Faheem is an absolute darling. I would love to see where he is now and how he's doing.
And if he's single. 😂
LOL yup
Yes he is.
Yes, would be lovely to see him now
According to the GMC register, he's still a trainee paediatrician, and is now working in the West Midlands
This is sad. They don’t have enough beds and those doctors are so overworked with such little sleep.
Welcome to the failing NHS
William Baker it’s been like it for many years don’t help when people abuse it and I remember having c section 23 years ago and dr came get my consent night before anyway he looked tired I said you been at work long he said 16 hours I said wow then he said see you in morning I said hope you have a good sleep he said nooo I’m here all night on shift so he did a 36 hour shift my anxiety was sky high
Jen Xx yup and then they’ll get the blame when things go wrong. Unfortunately we’ve become far too reliant on ‘free’ healthcare
William Baker I’d much rather have free healthcare than have to face a massive bill anytime I go to the hospital. I live in Canada and our healthcare system is similar to the UK.
@@mommabear7981 understable but if free health is the reason doctors get overworked like crazy than we might as well pay a little atleast.
It's been my dream to become a pediatrician one day. People around me all saying it's a stupid choice, it'll be hard etc etc. Watching this, it feels like I got more strength and moral support. This keep me going to pursue my dream
Michelle Clarissa I hope you succeed in making your dream clans true!
@@raeraekhan aww that's so sweet of you thank you Godbless you :)
Michelle Clarissa don't listen to all those negative voices, shut them down !! Believe and pursue your dream you'll get there one day later or sooner, never give up !! Coming from a futur paediatrician😊😎I'm currently a M.O.I which simply translates for medical officer intern, though internship life is no joke, I love what I do ! And my dream job is to become a paediatrician one day. So all the best in your futur career, mate !❤
@Lateisha thankyou Lateisha, hope you can achieve your dream too :)
go for it I believe in you!! there are people telling me the same thing too, but I would just turn that into my motivation to work even harder 💪💪
They put way too much responsibility and stress on these young doctors, it’s not fair, way too much
I agree!
Who are they?
@@MrsGretchen123 I think the seniors
@@loey5317 was more of a theoretical question of who is "to blame". Is it the hospital, the seniors, the government, the population or the system of finance driven medice? Idk tbh
This is why ppl dont want jobs like this
Theses doctors need huge wage packets, not footballers and bloody celebrities that do nothing
@isobel warhurst I think the rate of reimbursement in the U.S is pretty fair, but yes your right. It's all backwards. I am currently a ultra-sonography student!
God bless , Jesus loves you and died for you all
You’ll find it actually pays quite well once you’ve been doing it for a while. Obviously not quite on the same level as footballers though.
I look after animals throughout out the pandemic I saved alot off pets as an advanced animal care assistant
Totally agree all nurses drs careers and staff in care don’t get paid enough it’s ridiculous the wages they on and the pressure they under היילי מור
I wish every neonatal doctor was as beautiful as Faheem, He's just wonderful.
Nita is also amazing and I hope she knows she is doing brilliantly even when she feels that she is not.
Neeta*
I hope Dr Nita knows that even though she feels guilty about "leaving" her son, that she is giving him an incredible role model. My mum often had to work on night shift and I'm so proud that she's my mum.
@@HS-xt2su Nice try, Troll.
@@HS-xt2su the baby is clearly being left in the dads arms.
BRAZIL'S
GRS h
GRAZIELACFUA
GRAZIELA
@@HS-xt2su both mums and dads should share childcare. both should be able to work if they want. pretty easy conversation
When a seriously injured baby blows you a kiss from the transfer ambulance you KNOW you're a brilliant doctor, well done💖💖
hands down fahim is the most kindhearted doc I've ever seen
It depends upon the working environment, a chaotic and overloaded humid warm place often make people angry, but there we still love the babies, however absurdly their parents behave..
No he isn't, you just never bothered to consider that most of them are kind-hearted and overworked.
@@djtk6921 I mean you'd kinda hope they're all kindhearted
Makes me realize why things can take so long at hospital sometimes....and to have patience....and maybe to be grateful that you are last to be seen, because there’s others that are in a lot worse situations.
I appreciate introspective comments like this. Not a doctor, but a few of my relatives are. They are often as disappointed as the patient they didn't get to see It's easier to blame the system, the government, the practitioners, and they may be at fault. Still...
Paediatrian Nita was amazing u have so much courage , we r so lucky to have people like looking after our babies in the NHS ,with so much care .
Rushna Rahmanik a agreed. A million percent agreed.
Yes Neeta is excellent.
So many comments about Fahim (not that he doesn't deserve it) and so few about Neeta. Wonderful woman, wonderful doctor and really beautiful too. Her husband is a lucky man.
Faheem is such a sweetheart. He will make an amazing pediatrician! I know how hard it is to work under pressure, but nowhere near these heroes.
Crying for that little boy with burns. Heart-breaking for him and his parents 💔
Same. I felt so bad for the baby and just as bad for the dad.
imagine how much more stress these doctors are going through this pandemic
I can’t even fathom it
And all they get is a NHS clap and some rainbows..
@@ihaveleftthisaccount3710 blame the Tories
The doctors in my hospital were on special covid rotas which were long 12 hour shifts and increased nights I felt so bad, I'm just a medical student and they probably had no time to worry about teaching us
That young doctor will be a good dad because he knows how sweet it is to deal with those innocent angels 😍
I have a new level of respect for paediatric doctors.
OMG, I must have held my breadth through the entire clip of that spinal tap on that tiny baby. Completely nerve racking
My sin got that aswell😭 heartbreaking
I had to pin my 2 week old baby down so they could do lumbar puncture
Fahim is such a sweetheart.
I remember when my mom worked nights. Having been able to quickly visit her a couple times at work and see her mind race a million miles a seconded while still saying a quick hi to us all, I've just gained so much respect and love for all the nurses and doctors that look after us all. It makes me really proud to be her son
Your mother sounds like a strong, capable, kind-hearted woman❤️
"Dad doesn't know how to hold a baby" - That. is. adorable.
Disagree. While it was funny, would have been better if he had bothered to learn how to hold a baby before it arrived.
Hope he learns quick how to take responsibility for his 50% of the baby work
Most of the time, the first thing we do in life, is cry. It's a sign of life. Scary, that we try to de-emphasize that as adults.
Government should help the NHS instead of filling there pockets
IKR
Where pockets?
@@korpakukac it's a saying meaning that someone instead of giving money away puts it in their own pocket
@@korpakukac autistic moment (I’m autistic not ableist it’s a joke don’t sue me I always take things literally and it’s an autistic trait lolll)
@@drwilsonstoenailpolish3194 lol
Faheem is such an amazing, compassionate doctor! His love for his work, even when he is exhausted, just shines through! Best of luck to you.
It looked easier on grey’s anatomy
Well tbf it is a lot easier in the US as the residents have to pay therefore don’t utilise the healthcare like the UK residents do
Kamal Ahmed which means that there are lots of people who end up dying because they never seek care. Or when they finally do seek care they end up having to stay in hospital because they’re much sicker than if they had gone for treatment initially. Not to mention the massive amount of debt. The US healthcare system is awful.
Apologies
Jane Walker yes, for sure. The Canadian healthcare system quite similar to the UK. I’m so thankful I don’t have to face a huge bill anytime I need to see a doctor.
@Jhanna lol i agree w u, it's just a joke lol
Abolish long work hours for doctors. We're so exhausted
adding to your comment, we are not robots we are humans too.
True
Would be great but their just aren’t enough of them to go around
@Speaking Truth they do, there are huge grants to become doctors, in the same way there are teachers
8 HOUR DAYS!!
**Baby screems**
Doc: oh good to know your lungs are working well. 😂
NOT good to have an overworked doctor with Any sick person. THIS is what leads to errors and possible unnecessary deaths or wrong decisions. How is THAT in anyones Best interest!?😒😞
I hate to say it from the doctors to nurses and even to lab personnel we are basically stretched too thin. I am a lab urchin (XD), but you start damaging your body and lose focus after 12 hrs of non-stop work. It is never good for anyone doing a job that requires focus otherwise mistakes could hurt someone.
I live in country where shifts are longer than 24 hours, it's a living hell, sometimes you almost feel drunk and the thin line between dream and reality just starts fading away ... It's terrifying but you have no other choice but to attend to the needs of your patients
There is fewer staff then the demand and that's why we are stretched thin. It is sad but what else to do?
Exactly.
do you want to be a doctor?
Thank you for saying that you needed to run, even when you get there and everything is fine. I've been that parent waiting; it's terrifying. Feeling like you'd move heaven and earth to save them, while everyone around you has lead in their feet is the most frustrating feeling in the world.
"Did you actually have to run?"
What a dumb question, would you prefer she strolled to a birth where the child is not breathing?
Muppet.
I really wanted to become a doctor until I worked on several wards for a month as a volunteer. NO THANK YOU! These doctors, nurses and all hospital staff do amazing, amazing, AMAZING things every single day. Thank you so much for you all do! You are all superheroes #SavetheNHS
So sad that the conditions are so bad. I would have loved to be a doctor, but I am not willing to sacrifice my life 🥺
33:21 I was so stressed the rest of this video; that lighthearted comment of, "That baby's chillin', eh?" made me laugh out loud for a disproportionate amount of time.
This really means a lot to me, my life goal is to become a doctor. Now I'm more determined than ever. Wish me luck guys.
Partner...🤞🤞
Best of luck to you!
yesss me 2 inshallah!!
Aminnn. Good luckkk everyone!
Good luck 🙏🏾
Im not a person who cries easily,but this video got me weeping like a baby. It's really heartbreaking to see those babies on pain. I wish children never had to bear any pain. Heartfelt thank you to all these people working at the health sector❤️
Faheem has my heart. I literally cried watching this documentary. So heart touching. These doctors are our heroes. Respect. Faheem is so precious.
"That vein is gone"..i feel him, the frustration of not getting tiny vein
Fahim is the most nicest most responsible and most kindest doctor I’ve ever seen in my whole entire life he is so sweet!
Cameraman: Did you need to run?
SuperHero: Yes, it's a baby.
Painful to see the deep insecurities of such talented and successful doctors.
why insecurities?
chris hughes They are only human
How is that an insecurity?? They are meant to run in an emergency! Wouldn’t you want someone to run to you or your child even if everything turns out to be okay and the extra help isn’t needed?! 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
What did I
?? Insecurities?
Faahem is definitely sent from heaven. So lovely.
i’m only 14, but it’s my dream to be a pediatrician. this video gave me so much insight, and seeing how dedicated these doctors are made me so motivated.
These people are angels on earth.
We need a series, Keeping up with Fahim.
“You are so breach, put your legs down lady” oh my gosh that was so freaking funny
We need to look after and value NHS staff more, they’re SUCH a gift.
Mad respect to Dr Fahim and Nita
this may sound weird but I finally found someone with my same name
My mum pushed too hard and I just shot outta her, I was basically asleep when I was born and didn't know wtf was going on so I came out totally silent and didn't cry. My mum's dad was a dr and helped with my delivery and so my mum was like " OMG SHES NOT CRYING SHES DEAD" and my grandpa was like " no she doesn't need to she's perfect"
Rude of your mum to disturb your nap time. And parents wonder why their kids keep them up at all hours of the night. REVENGE FOR LOST SLEEP YOU CRETINS.
I came out in 16 hours 50 minutes, quite fast for a first and only baby for my mum, but I came out face first and then yelled for about a minute, so, despite the very real possibility I wouldn't survive my first few weeks, 38 years and 4 months later, I'm still here. I have god only knows, how many doctors and chraneofacial specialists to thank for that.
As a mother with 3 grown sons, I can tell you that Fahim's mum is very proud! Gb~🥰👋
Who would have thought things could get worse only a few months later. Faheem is a treasure. So kind to his patients.
I've been in and out of hospital since I was a young girl. I'm bedridden most of the time now but I'm still fighting. My specialist gave me two years to live at age 32, nine years ago. I often get asked to run seminars for medical students and I was also asked to be a part of registrars practical exams. There are a few things that I find essential in all medical staff. These are knowledge & professional experience, be able to admit that they don't have an answer to my questions but seek out the information and thirdly a good bedside manner makes the world of difference . My health doesn't fit in a nice hole and often junior doctors have no theory or practical knowledge. I'm really lucky that I've had the same gastroenterologist since I was 14. It's hard when you have 5 different medical departments when communication is often lacking.
It takes really special nurses and doctors to work in the childrens ward. Not only having to treat a patient who can't explain how they are feeling, they also have to cope with parents who rightfully want you to treat their child immediately. Thank you to all the medical staff around the world. Xx
I have so much respect for any pediatric worker. I couldn't imagine dealing with someone like myself who would have a sick child.
Especially since children can be stubborn at times 😂 honestly they deserve so much more than what they get
its insane how much you can love children who aren't yours and aren't related too and just want to protect them with everything in you ❤ I cant imagine what these doctors feel as they help these babies. they deserve so so much more than what they're given
Blowing bubbles while a mother held her baby. 🥺🥺Too cute!
1:23
This poor guy's lacking some serious sleep. My condolences... I'm in the same sinking ship
wow Faheem is truly inspiring mashallah
Febrile seizures are so scary from the parent perspective. I was picking up thermometer covers at a CVS when my husband called me in a panic saying our 18 month old was seizing in his arms. I literally dropped my basket in the middle of the store, bolted out and sped home calling 911 on the way. No seatbelt, broke speed limits...reckless yes, on purpose, no. You will do ANYTHING to get to them and make sure they're okay.
Props to them. There's no way I could do it
Do it
I am so grateful for this video, especially the part where Fahim talked about having breezed through med school and now facing failure for the first time. When I was starting out on the wards, I thought I was supposed to be perfect. I thought the fact that it was hard meant I wasn't supposed to be there. I know now that I am supposed to be a doctor and am trying to figure out how to get back into medical training 10 years after passing Step One. It is so reassuring to know that uncertainty and worry are NORMAL when you're training.
That 18 month old baby with the hot water burns on his chest was my little brother during the spring of 1973. Same age same exact accident. My mother was a wreck.
My brother today is my only surviving sibling, now age 49 and has absolutely no memory of that accident.
does he have scars?
He's going to make a awesome pediatrician. Love him. He's didn't make the mistake of detaching too much and lacks the god complex.
watching Fahim look after babies is a new source of happiness for me
Doctors are treated like robots . They don't need sleep , they don't need social life ,they don't need family time . Make it work anyhow and treat this many patients by a single doctor
As a physician it was almost a test to see how long you could function with no sleep. It seems universal and it’s a terrible practice. Changing shifts is also a problem. A schedule of either days or nights allows our bodies to adjust much more than bouncing around. Unfortunately we don’t have enough physicians or hospitals to improve it at this point. What we don’t want to do is lower the standard because then we are all in trouble. She nails it when she said you’re only good if you really actually care about others. Regardless of who they are they matter and often in the minute the most important person in your life. Faith in God is so helpful and more than 99% of us have deep faith.
Aww Anita is an amazing consultant and mum bless her x
I would love to see a follow up episode on these two doctor's. They are incredible!
41:00 I tears up when he blew those bubbles 🥺🥺🥺
fahim really is an amazing doctor! truly an inspiration!
That junior doc is an Angel xxx
@@strangelove9608 your defo strange.... wow . Go crawl under a rock. 🤔🤣
@@spudzahooo
wait that was 10 months ago nvm
I adore Fahim! I think he’s an excellent physician and has wonderful bedside manner.
Looking after children, more so babies must be terrifying (more so than all of the other medical fields)
Faheem is so warm and lovely 😊
I really hope the parents of that pre-term baby don't get mad when they know their baby got poked 3 times before getting a successful IV access. I know parents tend to get ramped up when their kids are hurt but he was really trying his best. It took 6 pokes and 3 nurses to access a vein when I was hospitalized for a surgery at 6. Some kids just have really small veins. I didn't cry because the pokes doesn't hurt anywhere near my surgery wounds and my mom was constantly comforting me. I was very convinced that the nurses are genuinely trying their best to help so I wasn't in fear. I hope all parents tell their children that. No nurse or doctor wants to do any harm to any child.
I went mental at a doctor because he missed my sons spnial tap twice because he was shaking I asked him what he was playing at and he said he had never done one before a baby is not good first time practice material unless they explain its first time and get ur consent
Especially because it can paralyse them
@@TJSPARKLE I hope your son is doing better now but please know that spinal taps can’t cause paralysis because despite the name the needle doesn’t enter the spinal cord to collect CSF but below it in a the cauda equina region. This is well below where the spinal cord ends so there is no threat to the cord. Nerve branches around the lower part of the spine may cause a electric shock feeling down the legs but not paralysis.
Right after the first emergency with a baby just being born and not breathing , I really cried my eyes out. Just 4 years ago i was a mom having an emergency c section. Now seeing the story behind the dokters present makes me so much more thankful for what they do for us ❤️.
So the baby didn't make it? How do you break such news to the parent? I would feel so bad ..
Why doesnt the government pay for more beds and support for these hospitals that are so stretched to the limit?? This can be a dangerous situation for patients!
Because billionaires and millionaires tka e away rhe government's ability to raise taxes, hence money by earning too much too fast, without angering people. There need to be NO MORE BILLIONAIRES. I dont care what the tax rate is as long as I have some money for myself to find a home and food and utilities. The rest I earn can go to people that need food, or hospital beds, etc.
@@GarlicGrinder9 In Australia we pay a Medicare 2% levy on our salary, which includes free emergency hospital treatment. I think the UK should adopt something similar, to support the NHS - times have changed since it was first set up. (An ex-Brit.)
@@sheilaboston7051 sadly all the UK need to is tax a couple of billionaires a little more than a penny and we would probably be a lot better. But there’s too many torys in our country who stand by the fact they don’t wanna give a penny away
Not like Australia is much better. The current gov wants it privatised, and the 100 top earning companies in Australia pay less tax than a waitress because of loopholes they exploit.
Close tax loopholes and resist privatisation. An ex-Australian now Brit
Why dont they keep more doctors in hospital rather than putting pressure on this doctors.
Lack of doctors due to not enough medical school places, due to lack of funding, so no new and larger facilities for training more doctors
My heart is breaking for all those babies.. I should consider myself lucky to be able to watch this, while my 3 week old baby girl is laying on my chest, half asleep.. ❤️❤️
I have never liked babies or kids and the second I heard that newborn cry and saw dad hold her for the first time I have never cried so hard in my life
when you are a doctor you need to sacrifice many things, the responsibilities on your shoulders is heavy one mistake your patient condition might get worst.
MAY THE LORD BLESS YOU AND TO THOSE ASPIRING DOCTORS😊😊😀
My son had Bacterial Meningitis @ 5yrs. It came on so fast, by the time the ambulance arrived he was already in and out of consciousness. When they did the tap, he was oblivious, and comatose shortly thereafter. He unfortunately wasn't left unscathed, but he was fortunately left alive. I read him a bedtime story and put him to bed that night, and within 45 minutes our lives changed forever. In a heartbeat, so fragile is the wheel of life. 💕
These doctors are amazing. I’m an adult and would trust either of them with my care. Those sweet babies are in good hands!
Seeing babies and children in pain is so so heartbreaking. Massive thank you to our doctors.
That was so cute "actual fallen in love with these little ticking time bombs" that's probably the cutest and funniest thing I've heard a doc day. But after spending months in NICU by my own babies bedside, it isn't far from reality.
It is insane to see the doctors are starting IVs! In the U.S. the nurses do this. Amazing stories and amazing people were shown in this vid😁😁
A Jr doc will start IVs but registrars and consultants usually only do IVs that are difficult (femoral artery IVs, central line placements, etc).
In India, a doctor does EVERYTHING, we really don't know what is it the nurses do other than filling their shift registers and occasionally giving drugs to the in-patients at time. Atleast in government run hospitals this is how the things run. An intern and Pg1 does everything that a nurse does everywhere else and this is on top of his/her obvious doctor duties... soooo yeah.... overworked is as far of an understatement as it can ever be...
In SA as well the Drs generally do everything. You are grateful if a nurse pulls bloods for you.
Why is it Insane? USA isn't only country in the world you know.
They're in training, so they need to know how to do everything. One day, they will also be supervising trainees themselves. Don't forget, too, it was a tiny baby and therefore much more difficult. In Australia, nurses can insert a canula only if they are certified to do so. Now I'm off to watch part 4!
3:25 "It's completely noisy. You can't think. You've got (everyone) shouting at you, and you have a child crying. There's nowhere for you to run."
In other words, it's like retail/fast food but 10x worse and with mistakes potentially costing lives and your sanity/years of study...
Wow that's a lot of pressure...
I need a Fahim in my life honestly. I wanna be as passionate as him and hopefully I will.
Am a 2nd year medical student
I wanna be a *pediatrician*
Ohhhg me tooooo, I’m a second year and want to be a paediatrician 😭😭 I’ll comment on this in 3-4 years when we graduate and we’ll see if we changed our minds 😂
strange love a bit of productive procastination is perfectly acceptable, stop tryna troll a future doctor, just one day in their field of work and they will achieve more than you ever will
you can do it!! i’m only 14y old but i’m intending to be a paediatrician too! good luck
@@strangelove9608 um wtf
When Faheem was blowing bubbles me me tear up... keep strong n keep it up
Oh my gosh watching this has given me a new found admiration for paediatricians! Faheem and Anita are both absolutely amazing individuals who should be so proud of themselves 🙏 and at 41:09 when Faheem says 'oh hey hunny' to the baby then blows the balloons, my heart ❤️❤️
This documentary has furthered my reasoning on why I want to become a paediatric nurse ☺️
Same 😊
when Neeta decided to listen to the teddy bear with the stethoscope first - that was an A+ move in my opinion
I have worked in paediatrics for 4 months and it's very breathtaking
Life is breathtaking. And children are the oxygen of our future, each and every one of us.
Aww bless Faheem amazing dr and can tell how upset her got not getting that babies vein x Thank god he saved baby with croup and how many other lives he and other drs save they are amazing x
I am a pre med and I have two beautiful baby girls. It takes a strong person to pick peds as there speciality. I don't have the will to work with kids especially level 3 my heart would be broken.
1 doctor, and a junior one at that, for 20 babies? That's negligent. I feel sorry for these docs but bless them for doing what they do.
Watching these needles and so forth go into newborns makes me super emotional...so I can imagine how Faheem is feeling...may God bless him especially in what he does🙏
I’m in love with these Doctors-in-Training and their bright spirits & 1,000% dedication. I love the way their faces light up when they talk about doing what they love and although the responsibilities are off the charts and the pressure to be always perfect is overwhelming, this is what they are living for. Imagine doing the thing you love over all other things every day of your life - what an astounding BLESSING!! You never work a day in your life! Astounding! Thank you for this documentary! 😶🙏🏼💕
One of the most unnerving things one could witness on a busy day in a hospital is when Consultants just rely on Registrars to run like a well-oiled machine expecting them to see patients, treat them all and decide on discharging them. While they (Consultants) sit around doing nothing and just let the patients pile up.
As a mum who has experienced a stillbirth and then a baby who was in NICU, this is so incredible to see. These people are angels and deserve so much respect! Thank you from us all!
i am so sorry. may your angel have peace
The little boy with the burns. What a sweetheart. Obviously very loved and well done everyone❤️
God and I thought managing homework and school was stressful...this is just....crazy