The secret of a successful relationship is somewhat counterintuitive: want less from your partner. After relating an anecdote in which I learned this secret, I discuss the importance of getting any need that can be satisfied outside of a sexual relationship met elsewhere. This significantly lowers the burden you place on your partner, and increases the likelihood that the relationship will play to its strengths. Buy my book, "The Value of Others" Ebook: amzn.to/460uGrA Audiobook: amzn.to/3YfFwbx Paperback: amzn.to/3xQuIFK Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Subscribe to my newsletter: oriontarabanpsyd.com Social Media TikTok: www.tiktok.com/@oriontaraban Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: ua-cam.com/video/WrXBzQ2HDEQ/v-deo.html Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: ua-cam.com/channels/SduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXw.htmljoin Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #dating #relationship
Hi Orion :) I love your message! Thank you so much for your work for us. I already have your book, pending to read/listen. I fully agree with your message wholeheartedly. This has also changed my approach massively. Another way to look at this simplified criteria to look for a partner is the concept of 3 C's of core relationship foundations: (life approach and goal) compatibility, (physical/sexual) chemistry and (emotional/safety) connection. All other needs can be met elsewhere, any other needs converging are a bonus
Yeah, just wanted simple 3-4 things but the women couldn't deliver on those either in the long run ... so still had to part ways. They wanted the perks but no continued reciprocity.
The issue isn't about finding a woman who wants to talk about quantum mechanics, it's finding a woman who understands your need to do so. I don't need my wife to share my hobbies; I need her to understand that I need them.
People genuinely never sit down and truly ponder on how crazy expecting EVERYTHING from one person is. It's inevitable for both parties to come to the conclusion that this fantasy is impossible, thus most relationships come to an end.
That does not apply to me. Maybe I'm just broken, but I have much higher expectations of myself, always. Others... Not so much. In fact, I usually don't have very high expectations of others at all. That only leads to disappointment.
@@lukenielsen8397i think most high value people are like this. High expectations get you to where you are, but humility keeps your expectations of others low.
Orion, I think you summarized most men's needs pretty accurately here. The trouble is, there are TWO people in the relationship, and the other person has different needs than I do. Their need for emotional connection is on par with a man's need for sexual connection. To me, one way to provide that is by selecting a partner you have things in common with, or who are on an intellectual level similar to yours so that you can discuss different topics with her, etc. Those moments of shared experience doing things you both enjoy or discussing things you both have an interest in provide the emotional connection she is looking for, which in turn will likely lead to the sexual connection the man is looking for.
This addresses a great point. However it is up to HER to assess if your emotional connection is good enough for her needs. It might surprise you how little in common one can have to give emotional support to another!
Man, can you imagine how fked up it would be if the roles were reversed and someone said, "However, it is up to HIM to assess if your sexual connection is good enough for his needs."
> women's need for emotional connection is on par with a man's need for sexual connection Think of sexual bonding as an umbrella that includes emotional connection. I think OP falls into the same narrative pushed by feminism. As Dr. Taraban mentioned, emotional needs should often be met outside of the context of romantic relationships.
this is really accurate. partners often expect you to be the one and only for everything. it doesnt work like that. also one person is not supposed to take all the mental load from the other.
I was married for 9 years, separated for 4. I told her over and over that I can’t put a 🔫 to God’s head and make him give me materialism. I was working 3 jobs at one point. It was so damn hard. I kept asking myself wtf am I doing wrong? When I finally divorced, my life resurrected. I live a simple life and am so happy now. Women throw themselves at me bc they can feel my strength, energy, joy and aura. But I’m scared that they’re gna try to use me as an emotional dumpster.
My partner for 20 years don't understand everything I say but she look at me as it. Others qualities that make her unbeatable is stability throughout the years and playfulness and fun. Everyday she show me some meme. I think the 3 criteria in the video she just don't have one...the inoffenseveness. The women's ego is complicated.
See: "What men get wrong about women : A psychologist explains") @ psycHacks Joseph Everett interview. (May a strongly recommend the short format) One of his best, IMHO..
This goes both ways. Once my wife and i discovered that we can do all of our special interests without the other one and focus on the things that a married couple should share (romantic love and understanding, mutual emotional support, managing/financing the household, raising the children and of course s3x), we were both set free! I didn´t have to watch girly movies, she didn´t have to listen to my thoughts about Lord of the Rings and instead we´re leaving each other much more alone, coming together for things that we both enjoy and/or that concern both of us.
@@klaaspekala6804 it seems very transactional. Like he just boiled women down to sexual beings as long as they’re there for sex he’ll get all his other needs met outside, which is an interesting relationship. Definitely not what I want.
Watching this mesmerizing video dredges up painful memories of the recent dissolution of my 5-year relationship. The departure of my beloved, the one I adore deeply, has left me in a perpetual state of longing. Despite my tireless attempts at reconciliation, I find myself mired in frustration, unable to shake the persistent thoughts of her. Despite my efforts to move forward, I'm compelled to share my inner turmoil and the overwhelming sense of missing her here.
Letting go of someone you love deeply presents a formidable challenge. I faced a comparable ordeal when my 6 year relationship ended. Refusing to succumb to despair, I relentlessly pursued avenues to reconcile with him. Ultimately, I sought solace and guidance from a spiritual counselor, whose intervention proved instrumental in restoring our connection.
I wish you were around 20 years ago, i would have saved myself much undue stress. On a positive note, my adult children can benefit from your knowledge. Thank you Dr.
@@user-uc7qb1su4ehow is she not taking accountability? She’s thanking him for his advice he has to offer NOW and yet lamenting for not having it sooner. You’re just blaming her unnecessarily for being a woman (generalizing all women) and without context. Please elaborate.
Hey ma’am, I want to provide a supportive comment in response to comments some have left in response to you. Thank you for leaving a grateful comment in response to information you find useful for yourself and your children. May you have peace and success in your endeavors
@@mrchicken2022well, it's the woman's fault if she doesn't understand that she's not a buddy. Her delusion, her problem. Men with proper expectations are not afraid of a breakup.
Thanks for your reference to 'the tribe' and/or 'close family' relationships to fulfill many of our basic needs. I had a woman, for 61 years, who gave me so much but she's gone and cannot be replaced. And, at my age, most of my "Tribe" is gone also. But I'm a very lucky guy cause life is still good and fulfilling.
God bless you sir. I don't mean to be rude or offensive, but no one is irreplaceable... And by saying that I don't mean that you should 'replace' your wife no. But she's been occupying a specific time and space in your life that should be cherished, of course. You still have life though, so why locking the rest of it from a potential meaningful romantic relationship, that could also have it's time and space? And sure, at your age it may not necessarily even be about the romance more that it'd be for companionship. Wishing you're well surrounded anyway. Hope i didn't misread your message.
Esther Perell lays it out pretty well in her books as to how we keep shifting the goalpost and redefining concepts like marriage, dating, relationships etc. over time into untested and untenable new ideas of what these things are to the point where we're dealing with totally new conecpts but still calling them by traditional names.
This advice is what most men know to be true deep down, and yet out social and cultural conditioning leads us to imagine there should be more pieces to a good relationship. Turns out it's actually very simple. Thank you Dr Orion for clarity and honesty.
So I learned this a long time ago. The problem is, of the top 20 things I seek for personal satisfaction, women in general provide very few of them, AND, the ones they can do, the generally don't want to do.
AND....(MOST IMPORTANTLY OF ALL) they're looking for SIGNIFICANTLY MORE FROM YOU in exchange for those few things you want, (but that they don't want to give). This is why the information in the video is fairly limited in its usefulness, really. Whatever the recommended "hack" it always circles back to the same, insoluble issues. Minimising the things you want/ask for from women is a good process of clarification. But it only serves to make the bargain they're driving even less attractive. Because it then becomes even more apparent how uneven the value exchange is.
Another reason why I love my wife is that she takes care of me no matter what. And also the sexless physical contact (cuddles, hugs, soft kisses etc.) is something that nobody else can provide for me.
Another thought: Orion’s initial idea of having all of his needs met by a woman, namely one woman in a relationship or “the one” is a trope installed in modern, western men from a young age by feminism and romantic movies. Consolidating on one romantic partner is a female sexual strategy tied to protection and resource access during pregnancy and as a result of the female need for protection of a man or men. Feminism masculinizes women and feminizes men.
Monogamy benefits both sexes imo. If men aren't monogamous women don't get security, resources and help with the kids. If women aren't monogamous they resort to hypergamy and only fuck the top 20% men and leave 80% of men out of the market, lots of those women become single mothers or they end up alone and childless in their 30s. Monogamy means 1 man for 1 woman, this keeps the sexual market balanced because no one has power over the other... all men get to fuck, all women get to have a partner to have kids safely with. Now that monogamy is dying we are seeing the dire consequences in society and If things don't change it's gonna get bad for both sexes.
The peace of mind part of a relationship is so important. I’m 28, my business is doing great and I’ve gotten myself into great shape. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for one year and it’s been the easiest, fun, and least stressful one I’ve been in. I lust after women and get approached constantly, but I know if I was with any other woman or gave up what I have now, I would deeply regret it.
Or just learn to discreetly cheat on the side lol. It’s quite normal for top value men to have multiple women. You just gotta find out if you’re high-value enough for your girl to stick around even if you have girls on the side.
Every man who is searching for a satisfying relationship should watch this video at least twice. I wrote down the 4 criteria Orion mentions so I don't forget them. Fortunately I'm presently in a fairly new relationship the meets all 4. Many previous relationship did not and now I know why they didn't work out.
For most men and women it can be distilled to traditional vows. A man needs a woman that will love, honor, and obey. A woman needs a man who will love, cherish, and protect. If you look at all the positive versions of what could be meant under those three headings you have the answer. Friends, community, etc provide that other things in life.
Excellent advice. I have a similar approach, I’ve been with my current partner for 5 years already, and I think it’s because she’s been the most laidback, caring, and inoffensive partner I’ve ever had. Rarely gives me problems. I wrote out all the qualities I want in a woman, and she seems to match nearly all the qualities I want ( introverted, loves to cook, has a great relationship with her parents, very thoughtful, etc). The only thing is that I’ve dated more objectively prettier women than her, but those “prettier women” have cheated on me and gave me headaches. She’s cute in her own way though and I do see myself having a family with her one day.
It isn't excellent advice. It is ugly foolishness. When you make a list of items - you rationalize your way into an inherently defect relationship. Soulless stuff. You don't love this woman, you're using her in a sketchy way. Your house of cards will come down sooner or later.
You didn’t say that you’re with her cause you love her. You said that you’re with her cause she’s convenient. I feel a bit bad for her and I hope she at least, gets something back from you
@@leedlbagginshield8492 I do not need to explain myself to strangers that I love this girl. Actions speak louder than words. I’ve moved in with her, been on vacation with her to many places, and have devoted much of my time and effort to keep her happy. So I don’t know what to tell you 🤷♂️
Thank you Dr. Orion. I've often told guys, beauty of a woman will fade if she doesn't give you peace of mind. My brothers, prioritize your peace above all else. Choose a woman that gives you peace. Looks are secondary... That's my advice
@@digitalsoultech well that will always be a matter of perception. A woman you deem good looking may not be so for most but as long as you're okay with it, who cares? It will only affect you if you're overly concerned about other people's perceptions.
This is true for all Dr Orion's episodes. Each one is better than all the others. It's like the legendary Chuck Norris's balls: each of his balls is larger than the other one.
Great advice, Doc! I found this out when I was disappointed that my wife didn't want to play chess with me. She dropped some wisdom on me, and told me I should go to the office with my buddy, and we can wear monocles, drink whiskey, and play chess all we want. She'll be there for other things.
My dad and stepmom have a beautiful marriage and it’s built much this way. My dad is super active-plays sports, in a band, goes on vacations without her and with her, and she goes on girl vacations alone too. She goes to his shows sometimes but not all the time and his games too but not all of them. They support each other and communicate and always refer to the other about decisions, but they lead lives individually as well as a couple. They’re a good example.
I think Orion stated the most underestimated thing you can look for in a woman that will lead to everything else, the 4th point: RESPECT. With respect, everything else will come afterwards.
And how does respect happen? She admires him and is inspired by him - then respect is automatic. Love and respect come in one package for women. She can't love him if she doesn't respect him, and she can't respect him if she doesn't love him (admire/inspired/looks up to).
I've been happily married 25 years. This analysis is 100% spot-on. What many single people do not understand is, you don't marry someone fully-formed. You grow together over time.
Wrong. You DO NEED the original compatibility in yoke/ilk/predispositions/inner nature, etc. You don't need a dyadic blank slate. You must match a priori because only birds of a feather can "grow together." Birds of different feathers always grow apart.
@@derekgusoff6768 If you're birds of different feathers internally, give it time. If you're old and have a long-lasting happy relationship behind you, you were birds of-a-feather internally to begin with, even if from different backgrounds internally - which is why you were able to grow together in the same direction. Has nothing to do with "different experiences."
1. Minor typo in your title, I know you meant "your needs" instead of "you needs." 2. I'm 52 seconds in, and I already agree with where you're going. Women: Don't look for your partner to be your "best friend." Instead, use your real friends for that. Men, don't try to find a woman who is "one of the guys." Instead, use your real friends for that.
I disagree with 2....married to my best friend for 23 years now...she has her female best friends, but we are truly each others best friends, and wouldn't have it any other way...but thats just us..to each their own, i guess
@@AMIBusinessSolutions Agreed. Most couples that are happily together after many years are indeed very good friends. 11 years into a similar situation, and I can't imagine how it'd work otherwise. Some goes for the happy couples around me. I think these people underestimate how much time will be spent together in that long span of time. It helps a great deal if the majority of that time is well spent; if you have things to talk about and to enjoy together. And when it comes to relying on other relationships for those needs, there'll be periods of life, such as child rearing, when you see a lot less of your buddies. You're going to want to actually like your sig. other during these trying times.
@@edheldude It may be hard for you to believe, but a woman doesn't need to be "one of the guys" to be a friend. Ideally, a person matures out of that boys vs girls mentality by the time they've graduated highschool.
Brilliant message! I have given this advice to both male and female clients before. The question “ WHY DO YOU WANT [insert random trait here] ?” from your partner is often met with a blank stare. Relationships are so much easier to enjoy when the connection between two people is more important than their ability to do every single thing together. The only caveat I will add is that I do think it is important for partners to have at least a slight appreciation for each other’s interests. If not the passions that are not shared can create an open door for infidelity.
@SR77736 I will tell you that the good guys are searching for you. I admit there are a lot of jerk guys too. If you truly give your man peace,you will get a good guy eventually.
Excellent advise dear doctor. I totally agree with your sound advice. After two marriages, one of 25 years and another of 17 years, your fourth point on agreeableness and least offensiveness seems essential to me. Happy to hear you speak of long term relations and even marriage and not merely of a consumer behaviour on the marketplace of the sexual industry that reduces humans to the state of an object. Perhaps you might even speak of family making and child education one day.
This is why you need a good group of brutally honest, dependable friends with whom you can share most things and a priest or male, [And row cent Rick] shrink. With those men, you can vent your frustrations and process your fears and vulnerabilities so you can remain mysterious and silent around your girl, who depends on you not disrupting her fantasy of you as the Übermensch.
I simplified this. Never desire anything from a woman that she isn't offering, and never fear her leaving. This is how you hold power. Women are attracted to power, and will offer you what they want you to desire from them. If you accept what they offer with gratitude, they will offer more.
At 44, male, I couldn’t agree more. This point Orion has been my experience. Figure out how to get your needs met and add a good woman to the mix as a compliment not the focus of your life.
100%. I met and married my 25 year old wife when I was 38. At that time, I remember thinking about how easy she was to be around. She was not complicated at all. I had other relationships that were damn tiring with other women that checked all the boxes but had some traits that caused more turmoil than the good looks and sex was worth. I got everything from my wife of 12 years now.
Great advice! The problem is keeping the criterion stable is out of a man's control/influence. People change over the course of their lives both mentally and physically.
My guess for Orion's top 4 non-negotiable criteria: 1. she must be mentally and emotionally stable (secure attachment style), 2. beautiful, 3. genuine burning desire, 4. she does not want marriage or is willing to sign a prenup.
I require that my wife be my muse. I can get laid easy enough by less than attractive options that throw themselves at me or by professionals who work for cash. What is irreplaceable is inspiration and motivation to desire tomorrow. That is what is really important, the qualities of a muse.
@@waysofzen A muse brings inspiration. That is the defining role. It is inspiration through beauty. This is the same beauty as art is and all artists are muses in themselves through their artwork. So I would say that she would have to be the type of artist that touches my heart in such a way as to inspire me to make the world a better place for her to live in.
I say I have very few mutual interests with most females. What is important is that my female partner and I have similar short and long term priorities.
If you don't have mutual interests, you won't have similar short and long term priorities, and if it looks like you do they will be understood at the shallow level, and your house of cards will come down eventually.
I know relationship were both parties had little to no mutual interests or hobbies and after the kids were big, they got divorced or realised that they had nothing in common with their partner. Having similar interests and values is important
As Stephen A. Smith has pointed out in his chat with Bill Maher, the most important thing is if she's going to be there for you when you get sick. Will she be able to minimize your stress? If she doesn't, none of this stuff matters.
Finding a woman who can meet me on my intellectual level is virtually impossible. Most women, I hate to say, are monumentally boring. But you're right, I get my needs met through a diverse set of friends and family. Nowadays I just want my woman be kind, feminine, smile and generally bring me joy. I keep my discussions of high voltage asymmetric capacitors to my nerds.
ok, but... if you marry this woman, how do you live together if you dont have interessing thing to talk about? its a honest doubt.. Im in the same situation. My gf is beautiful and feminine, but not have the same interests than me at all. We live in different cities, so we see each other mounthly and we have always a good time, but for 2 or 3 days. Im not sure we can coexist in the same house.
How sad that you don't want to talk about aliens, the universe, human evolution, time travel or the existence of God with a woman. Many women like it and it amuses us.
@@petergomes6552 I have had a 20 year marriage and a 10 year. Looking back at the first we tried to do too many things together. It really would help if you have 1 or 2 thing that you both enjoy. Finding a woman with just 1 is still quite hard unless you like watching bad TV or endless movies which is all most woman do.
@@nickymaria2023 those are exactly the topics I want to be able to discuss with a partner, oh my dogs, yes! Please marry me or recommend me to your friends!
I remember when Alec Baldwin met his much younger wife (he's 26 years older) he was interviewed as to what they talked about. The interviewer knew Alec liked to talk about current events and wondered if he could do so with his wife Hilaria. Someone who knew Alec well told the journalist, Alec knows several women he can talk about politics with if he feels like discussing that stuff with a woman, he doesn't need to do that with her. Later on, someone asked Alec do you share your wife's musical tastes? He said something like, she likes music of her generation, she talks to her friends about it, I don't need to be into the same thing.
Yup, was thinking about this, lately. I've had enough of rude, angry, bossy women. From now on, i'll look for a passive, feminine, accomodating woman. Don't even care about looks that much, as long as she's passable, but calmness and an easygoing attitude must be the priority.
Priorities "1 - Physical Attractiveness, 2 - Femeninity, 3 - Inoffensiveness" is kind of a rebranding of the old "Fit, Femenine and Friendly" that encompass 99% of what men "demand" of a potential mate, in order too. (some might add "faithful" as a 4th and you add "Sex" as a first, but I would say those are a little too obvious)
Divorce is never the way out, My husband and I have been having issues before I sort out help from a spiritual adviser, I wasn't going to let my marriage of 9years crash
Relationships are hard, but I've learned that there's always a way to fix things. Five years ago, my wife and I were facing divorce because of problems in our marriage, but we managed to resolve them. It was challenging, but we survived.
I remember having this epiphany internally in my late teens/early twenties. Lightbulb indeed. However, if one is looking to enter a marriage, I strongly believe the man and wife should be equally yoked on things like marital roles, desired number of children, faith/spirituality, financial discipline, politics, etc. The primary reason be to be consistent in teaching one’s children
@@funloverdavis1796 I guess my question is more in line to the minimum requirements of a stable mature women, an example comparable to that of Orion after realizing you can't find everything and anything in a partner.
Love this video, it clearly communicates a lesson I had to learn the long/hard way over decades... Rather than trying to find the 'perfect' woman or a woman that can 'do it all', I started focusing a few years ago on finding a woman that could satisfy me romantically and get my other needs met through friends, colleagues, etc. I'm now with a gorgeous, sweet, loyal younger woman who is a great companion, lover, travel partner, etc. When I need to fulfill my needs to discuss philosophy, business strategies, politics, motorcycle racing, or anything else like that - I just talk to friends and colleagues who can fulfill those needs. What I learned in my past relationship is that (1) no person can tick every box, and (2) prioritize in your mate selection process those things that your friends CAN'T fulfill (love, sex, travel companion).
Yeah #4 is the foundation...if that's not there then everything else doesn't really matter. Would love to see an inverse of this perspective for women.
This is brilliant. Thank you for coming up with this distillation of Common Sense practicality. It's so simple I'm sure it's going to work for me . It went directly into my brain , it had a separate section waiting for this information for my entire adult life. I also bought the book just now with one click.
20 years of dating has left me with much the same conclusion, albeit in a more dismal fashion. Having NOT been able to find MOST of the sort of things I want in a relationship from a female companion, I eventually revised downward my list to 3 things (1. Non-leftist political alignment, 2. Artistic/aesthetic preferences that are at least compatible with my own, 3. Sexual attraction). I can't even find those in a prospective romantic partner (Finding #1 is very tough, and it was my pathway to "inoffensive"). I've largely given up as a consequence. The only thing I feel I can get is #3, and it's not worth having a relationship if it's just sex.
This advice only works when you're looking to "date" not "build a family." At that point that criteria (should) increase dramatically and somewhat change.
Other things to add are similar philosphies about finances. Money is the number 1 thing married couples argue about. Even with similar financial visions disagreements will happen but a better chance of being resolved more quickly.
what? did you even bother listening to this video? the chances of you building and sustaining a family are much better if you are not trying to get all these needs met by your spouse. coming to a consensus on what ethical/moral system to in-still in your child is not something you need to look for in a sexual partner or while dating. if you cant date the person you want to build a family with, whose needs are you actually trying to fulfil? it seems like you are trying to meet the needs of a 3rd party, perhaps someone who has expectations of you that you for some reason put ahead of your own.
While I agree that a perfect alignment in values and interests is a big ask for a long term romantic partner, I do believe you're going to want SOME alignment if you want that relationship to last years or 'til death. You're going to spend A LOT of time around each other. It sure helps if you enjoy that time, and it's easy to enjoy that time if you have common interests to talk about, and if you have similar outlooks enough to understand each other. If you're in it for light fun, then yes, sex, attractiveness, femininity and inoffensiveness may suffice. But if you're going to live your life with someone, you're going to need more to get through. I know I'm fortunate to be married to someone I still enjoy being around 11 years in; I know not everyone will have that. But I maintain that there are ways to increase your chances of getting into such a relationship, and most of those ways have to do with your social life. If you're an active part of a community built around shared values and interests, and you meet someone through that community, you're likely to share values and interests with that person. Orion gives a lot of great advice when it comes to personal mental health, and even on dating. But I generally question his advice on long term relationships. What makes for a healthy, life-long marriage can't systematized or broken down into cold, economic terms, because it's about the specific dynamic between two individuals. It's the interpersonal stuff that's hard to put into words; the gushy, feely, right-brained stuff. That's the stuff that goes the distance.
My girlfriend likes to knit. I could care less. But I like video games. She has zero interest. We sit together for hours without speaking. Her knitting, me playing Zelda. It’s all good. I don’t wanna knit and she don’t wanna game. We do share plenty of common interests. She loves to be outside and I love metal detecting. We both have very high sex drives which is nice. My first girlfriend at the age of 40 that can even come close to satisfying my wants. Good thing I didn’t meet her when I was 20. We never would have left the house. 😂
A lot of people both male and female are interested in quantum mechanics, litterature, spiririal stuff etc. You can always find a physically compatible person who also shares some of your intellectual passions. I have never struggled with this, to be honest. A lot of my most enriching interactions have been with a person of the opposite sex on my topics of interest. Also I never separate my contacts in sexual and nonsexual in a checklist. An intimate partner could and should meet my intellectual needs or else the relationship is pretty unappealing to me. In the same time i keep an ever enlarging group of aquientances where I exercise my influence, put my knowledge and strengths into work, contribute, expand etc. This brought me great fulfillment so far. Marriages in the past are not a model to follow at all. Those were just people striving to survive in the physical plane. Our tasks are quiet different already.
How exactly do you go about finding such women who meet your intellectual depth and are sufficiently posessing of other necessary traits like bodily and facial beauty, drama free personality and personality compatibility? I'm not saying it's not possible, I'm just asking how you manage to not have issues finding such women and what your strategies for finding them are?
@@chukwuemmanuel775 moving in circles where women prevail and focus is intellectual or spiritual growth. I mean serious things, not online tantra gurus hah. You can always find a visually pleasing woman wherever women of all ages flock. Aesthetics are only one part though. We all have had cases of beautiful women where intimacy was bland and nothing special. Also for the drama part, there are loads of quiet dramatic men who maybe do not recognise themselves being such but they absolutely are creating a fuss around themselves, for ex going with multiple women without disclosing that because they wanna be in the coveted position of being wanted from all sides. Then when they actually get into that position they are awfully stressed out and desperate to get out. I have personally counseled many such cases where I actually give them the big picture but they still go through with their idea. We say that women are masochistic and choose the worst possible partners in order to suffer dully. However loads of men do the same. People are suckers for drama, they are afraid of the emotional pain yet they fall right in it.
There's no strategies. Men like women who are attractive. The other stuff is "nice to have". I'd rather a sexy, pretty barista than an average looking or otherwise unattractive intelectual with a PhD. Your woman won't leave you if you decide to seek out intellectual needs elsewhere, but she sure as hell will if you do the same to satisfy the sexual ones. So start there.
THANK YOU to the power of 1000. So many people deluding themselves that the rudimentary and brutal ways of the past somehow can still work in this society.
@@funloverdavis1796 It depends on the man. Most men, like most women, are 50 shades of dumb. Intellectual men and women are sapio-sexuals and demi-sexuals and the "rules" you speak of don't apply to them. Humans are dramatically different.
Hello Doctor, I am currently reading your book and I am delighted with the way you present the complicated subject of our behavior in an accessible way. I highly recommend it to anyone who likes the content on your channel! I have a question about the book - if we assume that the man should make the first move in the relationship but at the same time he should not put the woman on a pedestal and be the admirer, how does this dynamic transition. I would like to hear more about this topic. Warmest greetings from Poland.
Horses for courses. I believe all places have a version of the same advice: you should find a woman who is the best lover, a woman who is the best cook, a woman who is the best friend, etc. and you must make sure they never meet each other.
Any man can hire a personal chef to come into his home every now and then to cook meals for the month. He does not need a woman who can cook as high priority in my opinion.
@ed you misread my post. I acknowledged it was my opinion. Just like it is Dr. Orion's opinion that it is not a priority to find a wife who is interested in quantam mechanics. I think we would agree there is nothing wrong if men want to prioritize finding a woman interested in similar subjects.
@@gracerules2008 my comment made use of a humorous saying to illustrate the point made in the video that different needs do not need all to be met by the same person. That is valid for all configurations of relationships,M/F, M/M, F/F and all of the most recent hybrid types of it. Different strokes for different folks. You may not find a cook to be essential while someone else might find it indispensable.
Most important qualities I'm looking for in a woman. 1. She should be young (under 30), attractive and have genuine desire for me. 2. Be loyal. 3. Can take responsibility for her actions or lack of actions and don't play victim role. 4. Be financially responsible (I don't care how much she earns, but I do care how she spend money). 5. And last but not least, I shouldn't feel like I'm walking on eggshells, when we have conversation together.
The first component is to make sure that you are a mentally healthy person and she is too. If one of you has a f*cked up psyche, the relationship WILL FAIL.
Same here. I've met guys that were a pain! And I want peace of mind. Jealousy kills attraction. Seeing things that don't exist kills attraction. Thinking that I am your mother kills attraction. I understand (and agree) that guys want a nurturing, caring, sweet, loving woman but there's a fine line between that and being a mother. Peace of mind feels great!!!!! 🙂
Both men and women struggle with finding a good looking, kind, intelligent funny, interesting partner who offers integrity...most people dont have all of these qualities
10:12 - "If you only want a few things from women, its going to be much harder for women to disappoint you" Women: Challenge accepted. Seriously, have you tried dating lately? Seeking "inoffensive" women has become a Sisyphean quest.
First video that’s I’ve had to give a hard disagree. Seeing a woman for sex is no different than a woman seeing you as a human wallet - that’s not a good feeling and you know that. If you are seeing your “sexual relationship” as a “sexual object” as your number 1 priority to satisfy your lust, you are bound to fail with number 2 - Your lust sees no limits and over time you will develop desires over another to satisfy your lust. Why would a woman be inoffensive? You expect them to shut down the emotional aspect to femininity, but you shouldn’t shut down your sex driven/lustful aspect to masculinity?
I feel this. I was with a girl who checked all the boxes, ideal partner, but I wasn't physically attracted enough to her to prevent the "I could do better" feeling.
My girlfriend is crazy, but it kinda makes things hotter for me. Her being crazy jealous makes her wilder in the bedroom, and something about having to regulate her emotions makes me feel needed. I think I'm an outlier here though.
@iamtimnar5289 you're not wrong and sometimes it's exhausting. But whenever I resolve it, and I usually do, or she self regulates after some time apart. Then we come together and it's an emotional high. Again, I think there's something wrong with me though
@@HalfAsianDerp Something Orion has talked about is that past trauma shapes the relationships we enter in now. For me, approval was something I needed more of, so I look to earn approval of women. If they give it to me without me earning it, I feel like they're lying or pathetic. I got some healing I need to do as well.
The secret of a successful relationship is somewhat counterintuitive: want less from your partner. After relating an anecdote in which I learned this secret, I discuss the importance of getting any need that can be satisfied outside of a sexual relationship met elsewhere. This significantly lowers the burden you place on your partner, and increases the likelihood that the relationship will play to its strengths.
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #dating #relationship
Hi Orion :) I love your message! Thank you so much for your work for us. I already have your book, pending to read/listen.
I fully agree with your message wholeheartedly. This has also changed my approach massively. Another way to look at this simplified criteria to look for a partner is the concept of 3 C's of core relationship foundations: (life approach and goal) compatibility, (physical/sexual) chemistry and (emotional/safety) connection. All other needs can be met elsewhere, any other needs converging are a bonus
I’m an attractive woman who would love to talk quantum mechanics with you! 😜
I'm 61. By that metric. I have met exactly 3. 2 cheated, one 1 was engaged to, and she passed away (1997). Back to the drawing board.
@@mikoajsochanski1349 That's assuming your partner provides the 3 Cs in the first place which, in the modern, western world, is getting pretty rare.
Yeah, just wanted simple 3-4 things but the women couldn't deliver on those either in the long run ... so still had to part ways. They wanted the perks but no continued reciprocity.
This is why friends, colleagues, associates , mentors, and family are important. Villages are important. Life outside your partner is important.
Toxic family need not apply
The issue isn't about finding a woman who wants to talk about quantum mechanics, it's finding a woman who understands your need to do so. I don't need my wife to share my hobbies; I need her to understand that I need them.
good point
Well said
Bingo
Changed my life right here
That part.
You can have everything you want in life, you just can't have it all with the same person all at the same time.
Oh yea, its that the selfish feminism misandrist mentality. I want his kids but another man can take care of them. Fuck that.
What a deep thought
@@Katarzyna-h2z Thanks, I decided to write a book as well, so suppose I have these types of thoughts at the forefront of my mind at the moment 🤣
Why not
People genuinely never sit down and truly ponder on how crazy expecting EVERYTHING from one person is. It's inevitable for both parties to come to the conclusion that this fantasy is impossible, thus most relationships come to an end.
Our expectations of others are often higher than our expectations of ourselves.
That does not apply to me. Maybe I'm just broken, but I have much higher expectations of myself, always. Others... Not so much. In fact, I usually don't have very high expectations of others at all. That only leads to disappointment.
@lukenielsen8397 Usually, women do.
Nope. not for most men.
@jackdeniston6150 But yes, for women 😆
@@lukenielsen8397i think most high value people are like this. High expectations get you to where you are, but humility keeps your expectations of others low.
Orion, I think you summarized most men's needs pretty accurately here. The trouble is, there are TWO people in the relationship, and the other person has different needs than I do. Their need for emotional connection is on par with a man's need for sexual connection. To me, one way to provide that is by selecting a partner you have things in common with, or who are on an intellectual level similar to yours so that you can discuss different topics with her, etc. Those moments of shared experience doing things you both enjoy or discussing things you both have an interest in provide the emotional connection she is looking for, which in turn will likely lead to the sexual connection the man is looking for.
This addresses a great point. However it is up to HER to assess if your emotional connection is good enough for her needs. It might surprise you how little in common one can have to give emotional support to another!
Man, can you imagine how fked up it would be if the roles were reversed and someone said, "However, it is up to HIM to assess if your sexual connection is good enough for his needs."
@@DionLYA what the fuck are you talking about? its absolutely up to the man to assess if the woman can sexually satisfy him.
This man is an idiot I would not let him touch me with a 10-foot Pole or even speak in my presence. He has no idea what a real relationship is
> women's need for emotional connection is on par with a man's need for sexual connection
Think of sexual bonding as an umbrella that includes emotional connection. I think OP falls into the same narrative pushed by feminism. As Dr. Taraban mentioned, emotional needs should often be met outside of the context of romantic relationships.
this is really accurate. partners often expect you to be the one and only for everything. it doesnt work like that. also one person is not supposed to take all the mental load from the other.
Yep and most often can't fulfill all of them
I was married for 9 years, separated for 4. I told her over and over that I can’t put a 🔫 to God’s head and make him give me materialism. I was working 3 jobs at one point. It was so damn hard. I kept asking myself wtf am I doing wrong? When I finally divorced, my life resurrected. I live a simple life and am so happy now. Women throw themselves at me bc they can feel my strength, energy, joy and aura. But I’m scared that they’re gna try to use me as an emotional dumpster.
And a lot of today’s women desire multiple loads from various dudes, destroying any chance at a stable relationship
@@Savvynomad225 there are other genres of porn out there…
@@shedparkeryou should have chosen better.
You got me on quantum mechanics, spirituality, philosophy 😂😂😂
Yup! He's got a better chance at finding bitcoin, a new toothbrush, and love at the bottom of an abandoned trashcan.
He was no different from a woman that's looking for EVERYTHING in a man lol.
My partner for 20 years don't understand everything I say but she look at me as it.
Others qualities that make her unbeatable is stability throughout the years and playfulness and fun. Everyday she show me some meme.
I think the 3 criteria in the video she just don't have one...the inoffenseveness.
The women's ego is complicated.
See:
"What men get wrong about women : A psychologist explains")
@ psycHacks
Joseph Everett interview.
(May a strongly recommend the short format)
One of his best, IMHO..
@@mgtowski395 😂
This goes both ways. Once my wife and i discovered that we can do all of our special interests without the other one and focus on the things that a married couple should share (romantic love and understanding, mutual emotional support, managing/financing the household, raising the children and of course s3x), we were both set free! I didn´t have to watch girly movies, she didn´t have to listen to my thoughts about Lord of the Rings and instead we´re leaving each other much more alone, coming together for things that we both enjoy and/or that concern both of us.
This sounds like a partnership to me, not a romantic relationship. You may disagree, if you do, can you elaborate how it is romantic still?
@@klaaspekala6804 it seems very transactional. Like he just boiled women down to sexual beings as long as they’re there for sex he’ll get all his other needs met outside, which is an interesting relationship. Definitely not what I want.
Sounds miserable if you don't have a son
@@eyekandy3000all relationships are transactional. With this guy’s relationship, its just stripped down to a minimal level.
Where is your side woman? Cold and distant is unacceptable. Your choice.
Watching this mesmerizing video dredges up painful memories of the recent dissolution of my 5-year relationship. The departure of my beloved, the one I adore deeply, has left me in a perpetual state of longing. Despite my tireless attempts at reconciliation, I find myself mired in frustration, unable to shake the persistent thoughts of her. Despite my efforts to move forward, I'm compelled to share my inner turmoil and the overwhelming sense of missing her here.
Letting go of someone you love deeply presents a formidable challenge. I faced a comparable ordeal when my 6 year relationship ended. Refusing to succumb to despair, I relentlessly pursued avenues to reconcile with him. Ultimately, I sought solace and guidance from a spiritual counselor, whose intervention proved instrumental in restoring our connection.
Remarkable! How did you discover a spiritual counselor, and what's the procedure for me to get in contact with her?
Meet Suzanne Ann Walters, a renowned spiritual counselor acclaimed for her talent in bringing back ex-partners.
Many thanks for providing this valuable information; I've just conducted an online search for her. Remarkable!
OMG... Can you scream advertisement-disguised-as-discussion-thread any louder?
I wish you were around 20 years ago, i would have saved myself much undue stress. On a positive note, my adult children can benefit from your knowledge. Thank you Dr.
Typical woman not taking accountability for herself. You didn’t back then and you still won’t today. Your problems are your fault.
@@user-uc7qb1su4ehow is she not taking accountability? She’s thanking him for his advice he has to offer NOW and yet lamenting for not having it sooner. You’re just blaming her unnecessarily for being a woman (generalizing all women) and without context. Please elaborate.
Your a typical modern single mother by the sounds of it as well 😂 never taking accountability 🤦🏽♂️
@@user-uc7qb1su4e What hurt you
Hey ma’am, I want to provide a supportive comment in response to comments some have left in response to you. Thank you for leaving a grateful comment in response to information you find useful for yourself and your children. May you have peace and success in your endeavors
Simply said, she ain't your buddy, your coworker, teammate, therapist, or sounding board. She's your girlfriend/wife
You are there for her, she is not there for you.
Woman will soon be dissatisfied if you won't be her buddy. Then divorce, then all the bitterness: " I didn't see it coming"
@@mrchicken2022well, it's the woman's fault if she doesn't understand that she's not a buddy.
Her delusion, her problem. Men with proper expectations are not afraid of a breakup.
Wrong. She should be your best buddy. You're taking martial advice from a older bachelor. Think about it.
@@Hollowed2wizit is delusional to think you don’t have friendship with your wife or gf.
Thanks for your reference to 'the tribe' and/or 'close family' relationships to fulfill many of our basic needs. I had a woman, for 61 years, who gave me so much but she's gone and cannot be replaced. And, at my age, most of my "Tribe" is gone also. But I'm a very lucky guy cause life is still good and fulfilling.
God bless you sir. I don't mean to be rude or offensive, but no one is irreplaceable... And by saying that I don't mean that you should 'replace' your wife no. But she's been occupying a specific time and space in your life that should be cherished, of course. You still have life though, so why locking the rest of it from a potential meaningful romantic relationship, that could also have it's time and space? And sure, at your age it may not necessarily even be about the romance more that it'd be for companionship. Wishing you're well surrounded anyway. Hope i didn't misread your message.
Esther Perell lays it out pretty well in her books as to how we keep shifting the goalpost and redefining concepts like marriage, dating, relationships etc. over time into untested and untenable new ideas of what these things are to the point where we're dealing with totally new conecpts but still calling them by traditional names.
I also like her perspective. We might be happier if we don’t expect a whole bunch of different stuff from the same person.
@@DoriZuzamost men don’t ask a whole lot, women just have a problem providing the bare minimum.
Yeah... "we" are doing this :)
I wish women know more about men.
this is all I want
This advice is what most men know to be true deep down, and yet out social and cultural conditioning leads us to imagine there should be more pieces to a good relationship. Turns out it's actually very simple. Thank you Dr Orion for clarity and honesty.
So I learned this a long time ago. The problem is, of the top 20 things I seek for personal satisfaction, women in general provide very few of them, AND, the ones they can do, the generally don't want to do.
Would you mind listing those 20 things? And from those 20, which are the ones women provide?
I'm also curious, let's help the man out.
@@djknox2 also curious
AND....(MOST IMPORTANTLY OF ALL) they're looking for SIGNIFICANTLY MORE FROM YOU in exchange for those few things you want, (but that they don't want to give).
This is why the information in the video is fairly limited in its usefulness, really. Whatever the recommended "hack" it always circles back to the same, insoluble issues. Minimising the things you want/ask for from women is a good process of clarification. But it only serves to make the bargain they're driving even less attractive. Because it then becomes even more apparent how uneven the value exchange is.
spill the list
Another reason why I love my wife is that she takes care of me no matter what. And also the sexless physical contact (cuddles, hugs, soft kisses etc.) is something that nobody else can provide for me.
I miss this more than anything. Mine is unavailable now, she’s not with someone else, but definitely unavailable to me
Sexless physical contact just becomes a reminder of a dead bedroom if you are missing the sexful physical contact
You dont get sex that oroves your a weak man and u have no respect walk away
@@thefinaldispatchwhat are you still doing with her
Another thought:
Orion’s initial idea of having all of his needs met by a woman, namely one woman in a relationship or “the one” is a trope installed in modern, western men from a young age by feminism and romantic movies. Consolidating on one romantic partner is a female sexual strategy tied to protection and resource access during pregnancy and as a result of the female need for protection of a man or men.
Feminism masculinizes women and feminizes men.
💯 No one said it better than you 👏
Sounds like somebody’s gone down the red pill rabbit hole too many times
@@TV-oc4mltoo much reality ? No such thing
Monogamy benefits both sexes imo. If men aren't monogamous women don't get security, resources and help with the kids. If women aren't monogamous they resort to hypergamy and only fuck the top 20% men and leave 80% of men out of the market, lots of those women become single mothers or they end up alone and childless in their 30s.
Monogamy means 1 man for 1 woman, this keeps the sexual market balanced because no one has power over the other... all men get to fuck, all women get to have a partner to have kids safely with. Now that monogamy is dying we are seeing the dire consequences in society and If things don't change it's gonna get bad for both sexes.
@@greghamilton9505 no, not reality. A cult
The peace of mind part of a relationship is so important. I’m 28, my business is doing great and I’ve gotten myself into great shape. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for one year and it’s been the easiest, fun, and least stressful one I’ve been in. I lust after women and get approached constantly, but I know if I was with any other woman or gave up what I have now, I would deeply regret it.
Or just learn to discreetly cheat on the side lol. It’s quite normal for top value men to have multiple women. You just gotta find out if you’re high-value enough for your girl to stick around even if you have girls on the side.
Every man who is searching for a satisfying relationship should watch this video at least twice. I wrote down the 4 criteria Orion mentions so I don't forget them. Fortunately I'm presently in a fairly new relationship the meets all 4. Many previous relationship did not and now I know why they didn't work out.
Watch out for the bait and switch. Women change for the worse after you marry them.
For most men and women it can be distilled to traditional vows. A man needs a woman that will love, honor, and obey. A woman needs a man who will love, cherish, and protect. If you look at all the positive versions of what could be meant under those three headings you have the answer.
Friends, community, etc provide that other things in life.
Another thing I would add is that this approach makes it A LOT easier to deal with a breakup/separation. I'm glad I realized this early on.
Excellent advice. I have a similar approach, I’ve been with my current partner for 5 years already, and I think it’s because she’s been the most laidback, caring, and inoffensive partner I’ve ever had. Rarely gives me problems. I wrote out all the qualities I want in a woman, and she seems to match nearly all the qualities I want ( introverted, loves to cook, has a great relationship with her parents, very thoughtful, etc). The only thing is that I’ve dated more objectively prettier women than her, but those “prettier women” have cheated on me and gave me headaches. She’s cute in her own way though and I do see myself having a family with her one day.
It isn't excellent advice. It is ugly foolishness.
When you make a list of items - you rationalize your way into an inherently defect relationship. Soulless stuff.
You don't love this woman, you're using her in a sketchy way. Your house of cards will come down sooner or later.
You didn’t say that you’re with her cause you love her. You said that you’re with her cause she’s convenient. I feel a bit bad for her and I hope she at least, gets something back from you
@@leedlbagginshield8492 I do not need to explain myself to strangers that I love this girl. Actions speak louder than words. I’ve moved in with her, been on vacation with her to many places, and have devoted much of my time and effort to keep her happy. So I don’t know what to tell you 🤷♂️
@@leedlbagginshield8492 This is the "traditional" mindset that destroys lives.
@@leedlbagginshield8492Mutual benefits and trust comes first. Love comes later. This is how any relationship works.
Thank you Dr. Orion.
I've often told guys, beauty of a woman will fade if she doesn't give you peace of mind. My brothers, prioritize your peace above all else. Choose a woman that gives you peace. Looks are secondary...
That's my advice
Amem. But having a sexy and crazy wife is OK for a while. LOL. Bail out before it's too late.
Definitely a lesson to learn.
Easier said then done. If you aren't interested in looks then you are also screwed no matter how much peace she gives you
@@digitalsoultech well that will always be a matter of perception. A woman you deem good looking may not be so for most but as long as you're okay with it, who cares? It will only affect you if you're overly concerned about other people's perceptions.
This is definitely one of the better videos. The logic is super solid and comprehensive.
This is true for all Dr Orion's episodes. Each one is better than all the others. It's like the legendary Chuck Norris's balls: each of his balls is larger than the other one.
Great advice, Doc! I found this out when I was disappointed that my wife didn't want to play chess with me. She dropped some wisdom on me, and told me I should go to the office with my buddy, and we can wear monocles, drink whiskey, and play chess all we want. She'll be there for other things.
My dad and stepmom have a beautiful marriage and it’s built much this way. My dad is super active-plays sports, in a band, goes on vacations without her and with her, and she goes on girl vacations alone too. She goes to his shows sometimes but not all the time and his games too but not all of them. They support each other and communicate and always refer to the other about decisions, but they lead lives individually as well as a couple. They’re a good example.
@@JenishabadooExcellent example 😊
I think Orion stated the most underestimated thing you can look for in a woman that will lead to everything else, the 4th point: RESPECT.
With respect, everything else will come afterwards.
And how does respect happen? She admires him and is inspired by him - then respect is automatic.
Love and respect come in one package for women. She can't love him if she doesn't respect him, and she can't respect him if she doesn't love him (admire/inspired/looks up to).
Love doesn't follow respect, you need to be meeting someones important needs for love to develop ;)
I've been happily married 25 years. This analysis is 100% spot-on. What many single people do not understand is, you don't marry someone fully-formed. You grow together over time.
Wrong. You DO NEED the original compatibility in yoke/ilk/predispositions/inner nature, etc.
You don't need a dyadic blank slate. You must match a priori because only birds of a feather can "grow together."
Birds of different feathers always grow apart.
@@roses6564 well clearly our different experiences have led us to different conclusions
@@derekgusoff6768 If you're birds of different feathers internally, give it time. If you're old and have a long-lasting happy relationship behind you, you were birds of-a-feather internally to begin with, even if from different backgrounds internally - which is why you were able to grow together in the same direction. Has nothing to do with "different experiences."
👏👏👏
1. Minor typo in your title, I know you meant "your needs" instead of "you needs."
2. I'm 52 seconds in, and I already agree with where you're going. Women: Don't look for your partner to be your "best friend." Instead, use your real friends for that. Men, don't try to find a woman who is "one of the guys." Instead, use your real friends for that.
Yes, please advice for women
I disagree with 2....married to my best friend for 23 years now...she has her female best friends, but we are truly each others best friends, and wouldn't have it any other way...but thats just us..to each their own, i guess
@@AMIBusinessSolutions Agreed. Most couples that are happily together after many years are indeed very good friends. 11 years into a similar situation, and I can't imagine how it'd work otherwise. Some goes for the happy couples around me.
I think these people underestimate how much time will be spent together in that long span of time. It helps a great deal if the majority of that time is well spent; if you have things to talk about and to enjoy together.
And when it comes to relying on other relationships for those needs, there'll be periods of life, such as child rearing, when you see a lot less of your buddies. You're going to want to actually like your sig. other during these trying times.
What kind of man is looking for a masculine woman to be one of the guys??? Never ever heard about that nor do I know any man like that.
@@edheldude It may be hard for you to believe, but a woman doesn't need to be "one of the guys" to be a friend. Ideally, a person matures out of that boys vs girls mentality by the time they've graduated highschool.
Brilliant message! I have given this advice to both male and female clients before. The question “ WHY DO YOU WANT [insert random trait here] ?” from your partner is often met with a blank stare. Relationships are so much easier to enjoy when the connection between two people is more important than their ability to do every single thing together. The only caveat I will add is that I do think it is important for partners to have at least a slight appreciation for each other’s interests. If not the passions that are not shared can create an open door for infidelity.
Just give us peace and a few kind words ladies... Simple.
We try 😅
Yeah some of us do but some of you think that's boring and want chemistry and excitement.
@SR77736 I will tell you that the good guys are searching for you. I admit there are a lot of jerk guys too. If you truly give your man peace,you will get a good guy eventually.
Yeah I tried giving him peace but 10 years with no sex is too much. He ain't getting any peace with that. 😅
Excellent advise dear doctor. I totally agree with your sound advice.
After two marriages, one of 25 years and another of 17 years, your fourth point on agreeableness and least offensiveness seems essential to me.
Happy to hear you speak of long term relations and even marriage and not merely of a consumer behaviour on the marketplace of the sexual industry that reduces humans to the state of an object.
Perhaps you might even speak of family making and child education one day.
Every guy deserves a father or uncle like you
Couldn’t agree more! What deteriorated my marriage was the pressure for me to be EVERYTHING to my husband.
In years past it was considered a compliment when a husband said his wife was "my everything". My how times have changed!
@platoon1081 there's a difference in "my everything" ...term of endearment and literally expecting a women to be everything you want
This is why you need a good group of brutally honest, dependable friends with whom you can share most things and a priest or male, [And row cent Rick] shrink. With those men, you can vent your frustrations and process your fears and vulnerabilities so you can remain mysterious and silent around your girl, who depends on you not disrupting her fantasy of you as the Übermensch.
I simplified this. Never desire anything from a woman that she isn't offering, and never fear her leaving. This is how you hold power. Women are attracted to power, and will offer you what they want you to desire from them. If you accept what they offer with gratitude, they will offer more.
This is a treasury summarization/addition folks!!
At 44, male, I couldn’t agree more. This point Orion has been my experience. Figure out how to get your needs met and add a good woman to the mix as a compliment not the focus of your life.
100%. I met and married my 25 year old wife when I was 38. At that time, I remember thinking about how easy she was to be around. She was not complicated at all. I had other relationships that were damn tiring with other women that checked all the boxes but had some traits that caused more turmoil than the good looks and sex was worth. I got everything from my wife of 12 years now.
Game changer thinking. Love it. I've kinda known this for a long time but hearing you articulate it so well is clarifying.
The French are noted for the opposite philosophy - have a solid person as a life partner / spouse & hot lovers for as long as it suits
Great advice! The problem is keeping the criterion stable is out of a man's control/influence. People change over the course of their lives both mentally and physically.
My guess for Orion's top 4 non-negotiable criteria: 1. she must be mentally and emotionally stable (secure attachment style), 2. beautiful, 3. genuine burning desire, 4. she does not want marriage or is willing to sign a prenup.
Pretty would be enough
This is the exact trap that most divorced guys fall into.
I have greatly appreciated your channel since I began watching you. I recently purchased your book.
I require that my wife be my muse. I can get laid easy enough by less than attractive options that throw themselves at me or by professionals who work for cash. What is irreplaceable is inspiration and motivation to desire tomorrow. That is what is really important, the qualities of a muse.
What makes a muse to you?
@@waysofzen A muse brings inspiration. That is the defining role. It is inspiration through beauty. This is the same beauty as art is and all artists are muses in themselves through their artwork. So I would say that she would have to be the type of artist that touches my heart in such a way as to inspire me to make the world a better place for her to live in.
Sex, sandwiches and silence is all a man needs from a woman.Respect and duty is all she needs to uphold during the relationship.
Honestly such a relief hearing this. It really helps clears out some of the noise.
I say I have very few mutual interests with most females. What is important is that my female partner and I have similar short and long term priorities.
If you don't have mutual interests, you won't have similar short and long term priorities, and if it looks like you do they will be understood at the shallow level, and your house of cards will come down eventually.
@@roses6564 - well honestly I think men probably fake having any mutual interests. But most men wouldn’t admit that
I know relationship were both parties had little to no mutual interests or hobbies and after the kids were big, they got divorced or realised that they had nothing in common with their partner. Having similar interests and values is important
@@leedlbagginshield8492 values yes. When I say interests. I mean hobbies.
You can always create mutual interests together. Trying new things as a binding activity might bring you even closer
Heard the entire value of others audiobook. AMAZING read. Thank you for your clearly HUGE effort
Everyone has their own criteria, but it is true that sex, attraction and femininity is a good basic set of requirements.
Hey Orion, just wanted to say - loving the book so far. About halfway through!
As Stephen A. Smith has pointed out in his chat with Bill Maher, the most important thing is if she's going to be there for you when you get sick. Will she be able to minimize your stress? If she doesn't, none of this stuff matters.
Excellent insights on not expecting so many other “needs” in a spouse that “it takes a village” to realistically fulfill.
Very well said.
How about 5. Telling you about the things they admire about you instead of only the things you’re always doing wrong and failing at.
Love your channel, very intellectually satisfying, just waiting for the day you finally come out ;) !
Finding a woman who can meet me on my intellectual level is virtually impossible. Most women, I hate to say, are monumentally boring. But you're right, I get my needs met through a diverse set of friends and family. Nowadays I just want my woman be kind, feminine, smile and generally bring me joy. I keep my discussions of high voltage asymmetric capacitors to my nerds.
ok, but... if you marry this woman, how do you live together if you dont have interessing thing to talk about?
its a honest doubt.. Im in the same situation. My gf is beautiful and feminine, but not have the same interests than me at all. We live in different cities, so we see each other mounthly and we have always a good time, but for 2 or 3 days. Im not sure we can coexist in the same house.
How sad that you don't want to talk about aliens, the universe, human evolution, time travel or the existence of God with a woman. Many women like it and it amuses us.
@@petergomes6552 I have had a 20 year marriage and a 10 year. Looking back at the first we tried to do too many things together. It really would help if you have 1 or 2 thing that you both enjoy. Finding a woman with just 1 is still quite hard unless you like watching bad TV or endless movies which is all most woman do.
Sounds like you need to find an Introverted/Intuitive personality type....
@@nickymaria2023 those are exactly the topics I want to be able to discuss with a partner, oh my dogs, yes! Please marry me or recommend me to your friends!
I remember when Alec Baldwin met his much younger wife (he's 26 years older) he was interviewed as to what they talked about. The interviewer knew Alec liked to talk about current events and wondered if he could do so with his wife Hilaria. Someone who knew Alec well told the journalist, Alec knows several women he can talk about politics with if he feels like discussing that stuff with a woman, he doesn't need to do that with her. Later on, someone asked Alec do you share your wife's musical tastes? He said something like, she likes music of her generation, she talks to her friends about it, I don't need to be into the same thing.
Yup, was thinking about this, lately. I've had enough of rude, angry, bossy women. From now on, i'll look for a passive, feminine, accomodating woman. Don't even care about looks that much, as long as she's passable, but calmness and an easygoing attitude must be the priority.
Yep, i remember talking about Albert Einstein to women who worked at a restaurant.
Working my way through Orion’s book. It…is…dense. But full of mind-blowing insights.
Highly recommend, to all the would-be Captains out there 😉
Priorities "1 - Physical Attractiveness, 2 - Femeninity, 3 - Inoffensiveness" is kind of a rebranding of the old "Fit, Femenine and Friendly" that encompass 99% of what men "demand" of a potential mate, in order too. (some might add "faithful" as a 4th and you add "Sex" as a first, but I would say those are a little too obvious)
Congratulations on the book that’s awesome!
Divorce is never the way out, My husband and I have been having issues before I
sort out help from a spiritual adviser, I wasn't going to let my marriage of 9years crash
Relationships are hard, but I've learned that there's always a way to fix things. Five years ago, my wife and I were facing divorce because of problems in our marriage, but we managed to resolve them. It was challenging, but
we survived.
Amazing, I am kind of in a similar situation, how did you handle it?
well not the orthodox way but I was referred by a friend to a spiritual adviser and healer
please how can I get in touch with the spiritual adviser?
Her name is Quelani Eileen Freja, and she is a great spiritual adviser as well as caster
I purchased your book in paperback version. Can’t wait to read it
I remember having this epiphany internally in my late teens/early twenties. Lightbulb indeed. However, if one is looking to enter a marriage, I strongly believe the man and wife should be equally yoked on things like marital roles, desired number of children, faith/spirituality, financial discipline, politics, etc. The primary reason be to be consistent in teaching one’s children
You gave a clear example on the minimum expectations of a man from a woman, what would be the same example for expectations of a woman from a man?
They want everything. And then some more for good measure. Why do you think they're initiating divorce at such high rates?
@@funloverdavis1796 I guess my question is more in line to the minimum requirements of a stable mature women, an example comparable to that of Orion after realizing you can't find everything and anything in a partner.
Love this video, it clearly communicates a lesson I had to learn the long/hard way over decades... Rather than trying to find the 'perfect' woman or a woman that can 'do it all', I started focusing a few years ago on finding a woman that could satisfy me romantically and get my other needs met through friends, colleagues, etc. I'm now with a gorgeous, sweet, loyal younger woman who is a great companion, lover, travel partner, etc. When I need to fulfill my needs to discuss philosophy, business strategies, politics, motorcycle racing, or anything else like that - I just talk to friends and colleagues who can fulfill those needs. What I learned in my past relationship is that (1) no person can tick every box, and (2) prioritize in your mate selection process those things that your friends CAN'T fulfill (love, sex, travel companion).
Yeah #4 is the foundation...if that's not there then everything else doesn't really matter. Would love to see an inverse of this perspective for women.
This is brilliant. Thank you for coming up with this distillation of Common Sense practicality. It's so simple I'm sure it's going to work for me .
It went directly into my brain , it had a separate section waiting for this information for my entire adult life.
I also bought the book just now with one click.
20 years of dating has left me with much the same conclusion, albeit in a more dismal fashion. Having NOT been able to find MOST of the sort of things I want in a relationship from a female companion, I eventually revised downward my list to 3 things (1. Non-leftist political alignment, 2. Artistic/aesthetic preferences that are at least compatible with my own, 3. Sexual attraction).
I can't even find those in a prospective romantic partner (Finding #1 is very tough, and it was my pathway to "inoffensive"). I've largely given up as a consequence. The only thing I feel I can get is #3, and it's not worth having a relationship if it's just sex.
People who are far-right often have difficulty finding "non-leftist" partners. You're probably the problem.
As always Orion is spot on. Nothing worse than an offensive woman. Fun fit and friendly with a sweet attitude.
The difference between your Bumble before and after write-up must be staggering
Back on track with this one. Very insightful.
This advice only works when you're looking to "date" not "build a family." At that point that criteria (should) increase dramatically and somewhat change.
What criteria would you add then? Wanting a family+compatible parenting values?
Other things to add are similar philosphies about finances. Money is the number 1 thing married couples argue about.
Even with similar financial visions disagreements will happen but a better chance of being resolved more quickly.
what? did you even bother listening to this video? the chances of you building and sustaining a family are much better if you are not trying to get all these needs met by your spouse. coming to a consensus on what ethical/moral system to in-still in your child is not something you need to look for in a sexual partner or while dating.
if you cant date the person you want to build a family with, whose needs are you actually trying to fulfil? it seems like you are trying to meet the needs of a 3rd party, perhaps someone who has expectations of you that you for some reason put ahead of your own.
Thanks! This is the most important advice I have ever heard from your channel.
While I agree that a perfect alignment in values and interests is a big ask for a long term romantic partner, I do believe you're going to want SOME alignment if you want that relationship to last years or 'til death. You're going to spend A LOT of time around each other. It sure helps if you enjoy that time, and it's easy to enjoy that time if you have common interests to talk about, and if you have similar outlooks enough to understand each other. If you're in it for light fun, then yes, sex, attractiveness, femininity and inoffensiveness may suffice. But if you're going to live your life with someone, you're going to need more to get through.
I know I'm fortunate to be married to someone I still enjoy being around 11 years in; I know not everyone will have that. But I maintain that there are ways to increase your chances of getting into such a relationship, and most of those ways have to do with your social life. If you're an active part of a community built around shared values and interests, and you meet someone through that community, you're likely to share values and interests with that person.
Orion gives a lot of great advice when it comes to personal mental health, and even on dating. But I generally question his advice on long term relationships. What makes for a healthy, life-long marriage can't systematized or broken down into cold, economic terms, because it's about the specific dynamic between two individuals. It's the interpersonal stuff that's hard to put into words; the gushy, feely, right-brained stuff. That's the stuff that goes the distance.
Nailed but this audience hears what they want to hear.
The needs you mentioned are exactly what I also needed subconsciously which I was not clear enough but you put into words so beautifully! Thank you!
My girlfriend likes to knit. I could care less. But I like video games. She has zero interest. We sit together for hours without speaking. Her knitting, me playing Zelda. It’s all good. I don’t wanna knit and she don’t wanna game. We do share plenty of common interests. She loves to be outside and I love metal detecting. We both have very high sex drives which is nice. My first girlfriend at the age of 40 that can even come close to satisfying my wants. Good thing I didn’t meet her when I was 20. We never would have left the house. 😂
That's called "shoulder to shoulder time" and it's underrated
Spot on. Thanks for posting, Doctor.
A lot of people both male and female are interested in quantum mechanics, litterature, spiririal stuff etc. You can always find a physically compatible person who also shares some of your intellectual passions. I have never struggled with this, to be honest. A lot of my most enriching interactions have been with a person of the opposite sex on my topics of interest. Also I never separate my contacts in sexual and nonsexual in a checklist. An intimate partner could and should meet my intellectual needs or else the relationship is pretty unappealing to me. In the same time i keep an ever enlarging group of aquientances where I exercise my influence, put my knowledge and strengths into work, contribute, expand etc. This brought me great fulfillment so far. Marriages in the past are not a model to follow at all. Those were just people striving to survive in the physical plane. Our tasks are quiet different already.
How exactly do you go about finding such women who meet your intellectual depth and are sufficiently posessing of other necessary traits like bodily and facial beauty, drama free personality and personality compatibility?
I'm not saying it's not possible, I'm just asking how you manage to not have issues finding such women and what your strategies for finding them are?
@@chukwuemmanuel775 moving in circles where women prevail and focus is intellectual or spiritual growth. I mean serious things, not online tantra gurus hah. You can always find a visually pleasing woman wherever women of all ages flock. Aesthetics are only one part though. We all have had cases of beautiful women where intimacy was bland and nothing special. Also for the drama part, there are loads of quiet dramatic men who maybe do not recognise themselves being such but they absolutely are creating a fuss around themselves, for ex going with multiple women without disclosing that because they wanna be in the coveted position of being wanted from all sides. Then when they actually get into that position they are awfully stressed out and desperate to get out. I have personally counseled many such cases where I actually give them the big picture but they still go through with their idea. We say that women are masochistic and choose the worst possible partners in order to suffer dully. However loads of men do the same. People are suckers for drama, they are afraid of the emotional pain yet they fall right in it.
There's no strategies.
Men like women who are attractive. The other stuff is "nice to have". I'd rather a sexy, pretty barista than an average looking or otherwise unattractive intelectual with a PhD.
Your woman won't leave you if you decide to seek out intellectual needs elsewhere, but she sure as hell will if you do the same to satisfy the sexual ones.
So start there.
THANK YOU to the power of 1000. So many people deluding themselves that the rudimentary and brutal ways of the past somehow can still work in this society.
@@funloverdavis1796 It depends on the man. Most men, like most women, are 50 shades of dumb. Intellectual men and women are sapio-sexuals and demi-sexuals and the "rules" you speak of don't apply to them. Humans are dramatically different.
Hello Doctor, I am currently reading your book and I am delighted with the way you present the complicated subject of our behavior in an accessible way. I highly recommend it to anyone who likes the content on your channel! I have a question about the book - if we assume that the man should make the first move in the relationship but at the same time he should not put the woman on a pedestal and be the admirer, how does this dynamic transition. I would like to hear more about this topic. Warmest greetings from Poland.
Horses for courses. I believe all places have a version of the same advice: you should find a woman who is the best lover, a woman who is the best cook, a woman who is the best friend, etc. and you must make sure they never meet each other.
Any man can hire a personal chef to come into his home every now and then to cook meals for the month. He does not need a woman who can cook as high priority in my opinion.
@@gracerules2008 your priorities are your own and your goal is to have them met. Other people's priorities may vary,
@ed you misread my post. I acknowledged it was my opinion. Just like it is Dr. Orion's opinion that it is not a priority to find a wife who is interested in quantam mechanics. I think we would agree there is nothing wrong if men want to prioritize finding a woman interested in similar subjects.
@@gracerules2008 my comment made use of a humorous saying to illustrate the point made in the video that different needs do not need all to be met by the same person. That is valid for all configurations of relationships,M/F, M/M, F/F and all of the most recent hybrid types of it. Different strokes for different folks. You may not find a cook to be essential while someone else might find it indispensable.
Same applies to dating someone of the same religion. There is nothing wrong with prioritizing that either.
The timing of this video is crazy for me rn 😂 the universe really wanted me to understand something. Thanks Psychacks
Most important qualities I'm looking for in a woman.
1. She should be young (under 30), attractive and have genuine desire for me.
2. Be loyal.
3. Can take responsibility for her actions or lack of actions and don't play victim role.
4. Be financially responsible (I don't care how much she earns, but I do care how she spend money).
5. And last but not least, I shouldn't feel like I'm walking on eggshells, when we have conversation together.
I wish Santa was real, too.
Number 3, how?
My brother, if you wait for a few years, there'll be AI programmable $e x dolls that might meet your requirements.
Leave the West. Head east young man, head east.
@@sleepyjoeatemyiceacream😂
Hey Orion, congrats on the book release, just got the audio version today, looking forward to it!
Please release the book in India. I'd love to buy it
Isn't available in India?
@@DEEPAKKUMAR-ch6cb it's too expensive
Bro get that book, I get all the hoes@@madness5693
You are amazing Dr. Orion! Thanks!
The first component is to make sure that you are a mentally healthy person and she is too. If one of you has a f*cked up psyche, the relationship WILL FAIL.
Same here. I've met guys that were a pain! And I want peace of mind. Jealousy kills attraction. Seeing things that don't exist kills attraction. Thinking that I am your mother kills attraction. I understand (and agree) that guys want a nurturing, caring, sweet, loving woman but there's a fine line between that and being a mother. Peace of mind feels great!!!!! 🙂
Both men and women struggle with finding a good looking, kind, intelligent funny, interesting partner who offers integrity...most people dont have all of these qualities
Good luck finding the one inoffensive woman out there!
Dr Orion Taraban mentions his mentor a lot. Is Rollo his mentor? 😅
I picked up the value of others Saturday and finished it Monday, great book, well worth reading.
10:12 - "If you only want a few things from women, its going to be much harder for women to disappoint you"
Women: Challenge accepted.
Seriously, have you tried dating lately? Seeking "inoffensive" women has become a Sisyphean quest.
The introspective 2nd half of this is Gold. Practical.
First video that’s I’ve had to give a hard disagree. Seeing a woman for sex is no different than a woman seeing you as a human wallet - that’s not a good feeling and you know that.
If you are seeing your “sexual relationship” as a “sexual object” as your number 1 priority to satisfy your lust, you are bound to fail with number 2 - Your lust sees no limits and over time you will develop desires over another to satisfy your lust.
Why would a woman be inoffensive? You expect them to shut down the emotional aspect to femininity, but you shouldn’t shut down your sex driven/lustful aspect to masculinity?
OK, you are either a woman or a beta male
I don’t agree with you on all your points but it does sound like Orion is in RP rage land.
Another banger! Difficult to achieve but the damned truth!👏👏👏👏👏
I feel this.
I was with a girl who checked all the boxes, ideal partner, but I wasn't physically attracted enough to her to prevent the "I could do better" feeling.
She did you favor by allowing you to be with someone who found you physically attractive enough instead of stinging you along
Hypergamy?
@@Digitalknifeparty No, I wasn't physically attracted to her. She practically worshipped me.
@@Katarzyna-h2z Again no, I wasn't physically attracted enough to HER. She thought I was her best match.
@@Katarzyna-h2z that has to deal more with class and status than physical appearance
The book is AWESOME
My girlfriend is crazy, but it kinda makes things hotter for me. Her being crazy jealous makes her wilder in the bedroom, and something about having to regulate her emotions makes me feel needed. I think I'm an outlier here though.
I feel like regulating another person's emotions would almost feel like being a parent. Correct me if I'm wrong.
@iamtimnar5289 you're not wrong and sometimes it's exhausting. But whenever I resolve it, and I usually do, or she self regulates after some time apart. Then we come together and it's an emotional high. Again, I think there's something wrong with me though
You’re in potential danger
@@HalfAsianDerp Something Orion has talked about is that past trauma shapes the relationships we enter in now. For me, approval was something I needed more of, so I look to earn approval of women. If they give it to me without me earning it, I feel like they're lying or pathetic. I got some healing I need to do as well.
eventually you'll have to pay the price
👌🎯 nailed it applying. This can really help my marriage Clothes time to take a step back, apply and re-view
Excellent point, I would like to add one thing. We should consider what needs we are willing to fulfill in our partners as well.